#fuck even bodyguards and assassins and that was based off a true story!

[doctorcanon]

Some of y'all really need to watch less shonen and more well...anything else.

so like. obviously it's an immensely tragic route to take but sometimes it's just so satisfying for a story to go "there's no happy ending this time. resistance is futile in this scenario. the 'good guys' can't win. this is a pointless last stand. so for their final act, our beloved characters are going to rock the antagonist's shit so fucking hard it makes you stare at a wall struggling to process what just happened and how you feel about it for hours afterwards."

[maydaymemer]

Reviewing every Hitman level - Part 2: World of Assassination

Part 1 here: https://maydaymemer.tumblr.com/post/635416983034380288/reviewing-every-hitman-level-part-1-the-ps2

WoA1 (2016):

ICA Facility - 3/5

Both Freeform Training and The Final Test are okay. There’s just enough there to be enjoyable, but I wish Freeform had Contracts mode since I think that would bolster replayability. As infamous as Final Test is for newbie Contracts some of them provide more interesting gameplay scenarios than Jasper’s basic route.

The Showstopper/Paris - 4/5

In most of these reviews for WoA levels I’m judging both the mission and location at the same time. As for Paris there’s level design when it comes to the geometry itself but I think the targets leave a lot to be desired. I’m a little harsher on Blood Money and WoA because their rating systems are a lot less flexible than previous games, so they have to make up for that with highly manipulatable targets. Sure I can kill either target anywhere I want but due to Victor standing in a lot of crowds that’s not going to get my SA unless I use accidents, which even then can backfire if a non-target gets caught under them. Victor and Dalia are likeable assholes but I couldn’t find many good ways to manipulate them and break their scripting. There’s still ways sure, the coin is a godsend, but not as many as say Robert Knox in Miami. If IO brought back the escalations this could be bumped up to a perfect score based on level design alone, but right now it’s way too simple and reliant on doing what the devs want. It was their first true attempt at this new style so it’s understandable they were a little squeamish at giving total freedom.

Holiday Hoarders - 3/5

This is a fun little distraction. Unfortunately Harry and Marv don’t react to distractions but their routes are long and they’re alone most of the one which makes up for it. It’s easier to get SA with these guys without using opportunities than it is with the main mission targets. The challenges are also fun, requiring you to stop the targets from stealing from the palace then becoming Santa to kill them.

World of Tomorrow/Sapienza - 5/5

The first masterpiece of the new style. Highly manipulatable targets, great level design and great potential for Contracts. I’m still finding new things about this level, from kills I’ve never done before two areas I didn’t know I could go to. It took a while to grow on me but it’s definitely one of the best maps IO has ever made.

The Icon - 3/5

This bonus mission relies a little too much on scripted kills. There’s still ways to break that scripting but the level is really pushing them as something you need to try. Not a bad thing, they are fun kills, but it’s not a level that holds up and gets better on replays like the main mission. You’ll still find ways to kill Bosco without the Rube Goldberg routine, but not as many as the near limitless possibilities of Francesca and Silvio have.

Landslide - 4/5

This is much better, less of a reliance on the mission stories/opportunities and the scripted moments themselves have lots of variants. You can snipe Marco in the graveyard from afar rather than setting up the electrocution kill, you can drop a chandelier on him as a bodyguard while he meets the lawyer rather than becoming him yourself. You can also just hit him with the Sieker and plant an explosive on the toilet and book it. Great bonus mission.

The Author - 3/5

Getting the targets to meet is a good way of creating your own kills, either partaking in the meeting, watching from afar or letting Craig Black flee. But the routes themselves around up to snuff. Akram stays in his tiny apartment until you ring the bell and Black spends way too much time reading.

A Gilded Cage/Marrakesh - 5/5

This level has really grown on me. I used to say “it’s okay but it is a bit of a disappointment compared to Sapienza”, then “it’s a pretty good level it’s a little unfairly maligned” to “this is one of the best maps in the series and I don’t understand why people don’t like it.” The map does have the big problem of its middle section being pointless but the routes of the targets themselves, their synergy, how manipulatable they are and how easy it is to kill them in all kinds of different ways suit only is an absolute treat. You can snipe Zaydan in his office and no one will find him, you can lure him into the room next to the prisoner and strangle him and you can lure him into the toilet and push him to his death. With Strandberg you can electrocute him sure, but that’s intended, instead you can follow him into his office (keep in mind, in the suit) and when he’s in that area no one goes in you can strangle him, or you can toss a coin into the toilet and if he hears you can drown him. The mission is criminally underrated and I think it’s on par with Sapienza.

A House Built On Sand - 3/5

It’s alright but it suffers from a lack of suit only options for manipulating targets via Mission Stories. The rooftop meeting is actually good for getting non-story related kills like dropping the cafe sign on Kwang, or you can just strangle him when he gets there. It’s neat. You can do something similar with getting rid of the guy the fortune teller is talking to, enabling a suit only kill by distracting the fortune teller when he talks to Mendola. That’s what I like about the scripted kills, when you can do shit with them the devs might’ve not directly intended, or are just secret ways to do them. I love missions that give me a lot of either that or ways to create my own kills, which you can do with AHBOS but since it’s a bonus mission and one set around the crowd it’s a lot more difficult with the rating system we have currently, so having more ways to use mission stories/opportunities for the purpose of getting different kills they weren’t meant for would’ve improved this level.

Club 27/Bangkok - 4/5

This level is really poorly designed but I like it anyway. I think it’s the atmosphere but also Jordan Cross as both a character and a target. He’s really interesting but he’s also fun to manipulate and try to take out suit only, of which there are multiple ways to do so without using stories. Even then I do like using the USB story occasionally for suit only runs because it’s so cool. Ken Morgan is a pretty terrible target, not that manipulatable, personality wise he’s really generic and his short route is out in public a lot so it’s a bitch to get him. I’ve gotten an SA kill on him in that little table he phones at but it wasn’t easy. Jordan makes up for it, however, even if getting to him is overly linear due to a lack of climbing in this very vertical location the options you have for actually killing him are numerous and you can really make a suit only run your own with him.

The Source - 2/5

This mission, on the other hand, is just bad. Every time you start you have to jog up flights of stairs to get to the targets, and while they have decent routes good luck intercepting them before they do that ritual that takes ages to finish and come back down. The targets also suffer from being too close to eachother, it’s almost pointless. At least there’s some cool challenges, I’m pretty sure you can use a sniper rifle on a gas canister from the other side of the hotel and get SA but don’t quote me on that.

Freedom Fighters/Colorado - 1/5

The entire location is garbage, I’ve played some pretty neat contracts but overall it’s a boring place whether you’re in the main mission or not. Rose and Graves have decent routes but Berg and Parvati are terrible targets. Sure you can manipulate them if you’re doing suit only but that requires a lot of movement and stealthing via an area that’s hostile to you without a disguise. Almost everything interesting is given to either Rose or Graves, which makes me think this would probably be a lot more fun as a mission if Berg and Parvati were just used as people for those two to interact with as part of their route or mission stories. It’s a very flat map with lots of walking, WoA 2’s maps have a large amount of movement too but they have shortcuts and verticality to remain engaging. Easily the worst map of the trilogy.

The Vector - 3/5

The map lost a lot of its flow with the WoA 2 changes to explosions, but it’s still a pretty fun, frantic mission with random targets to spice things up. It’s also go bushes and accidents everywhere leading to a lot of flexibility, even if you use up a kill there’s always more nearby since the targets can be pretty much anywhere - even clumped together - which is randomness done right considering the short long of the mission.

Situs Inversus/Hokkaido - 4/5

Pretty good mission and a great location. Erich has tons of ways to kill him despite not even being an NPC and more of an objective according to the logic of the engine, and Yuki has a pretty good route with lots of variance, my favourite kill method being sniping her in her private area of the restaurant. I discovered it recently, usually no one sees her. I would say the level design is better than the target design, which is good because Hokkaido is a great jumping off point for secondary content.

Patient Zero - 4/5

This is a great experimental mission. Like Vector but on a larger scale this mission could go different every time. The Virus means anyone in the mission could become an additional target and your playstyle can vary from subtle and sneaky to panicked to mass murderer depending on how much you fuck up or don’t handle the virus effectively. I’d say that WoA 1’s version was a little bit better, I think WoA 2 changed something about like guard placement or just general glitchyness which can make it a pain sometimes. Hopefully H3 fixes it.

Hokkaido Snow Festival - 2/5

This was a free mission made for WoA2 so I’m not going to shit on it too hard, but it’s not very good. It’s overall way too easy to finish this level in under a minute by starting as the ninja, going to the helicopter, shooting an icicle over the target and leaving immediately. That creativity I love about Hitman isn’t really encouraged here, which is a problem with bonus missions in general but it’s at its most pronounced here.

2 God-tier Levels 2 Missions

3 Good-to-Great Levels 5 Missions

1 Average-to-Good Level 6 Missions

0 Bad-to-Mediocre Level 2 Missions

1 Really Bad Level 1 Mission

0 Horrible Missions

For the WoA games I’ve split up levels and missions in the totals. I think it gives a better indication of the quality of each game. WoA part 1 is a good start for this new style but I feel it suffers from inconsistent level design. While Part 2 can feel like they played it safe by basing the design philosophy off of Sapienza for almost every location, WoA 1 has some levels with outright sloppy design like Bangkok, wasted space or locations that are just plain bad. Something the sequel fixes and more.

WoA2 (2018):

Nightcall/Hawke’s Bay - 3/5

Hawke’s Bay really suffers from one exit and a mandatory objective. If you could exit via a car or if some guards were posted at the house before you got in it’d make the rest of the mission up to par with the actual assassination of Alma, which is great but unfortunately a small part of the mission. It’s a neat little puzzle box location ruined by some forced tutorialisation and sloppy story integration.

The Finish Line/Miami - 5/5

The perfect Hitman level. Everything from the geometry to the target routes is perfect. Hitman levels have a problem where sometimes one target is better than the other, this is one of those rare exceptions where both targets are equally fantastic with a balance between scripted kills and having a route that’s ripe for manipulation and creating your own kills even without doing so.

A Silver Tongue - 2/5

As good as Miami is it can’t save this boring target. His route is a small triangle which is a giant missed opportunity when he’s right next to bar area which is mostly unused in the main mission.

3-Headed Serpent/Colombia - 4/5

I’ve made an effort recently to play this level a whole bunch because it used to be my least favourite. I think after really getting familiar with it this is one of the times the rating system used in Blood Money and the new games really lets down a great location. There are cool ways to snipe the Rico and Jorge, poison Jorge with a cocaine brick, blow Andrea up and kill Jorge in the bushes that make this level so much more fun to play, but the rating system discourages bodies found or collateral accident which instead force you to do a lot of walking to each target to get up close and personal. I like how interconnected and intricate everything is, but I don’t like being forced to use that every time I play. It should be a rare luxury rather than a require part of dealing with the level.

Embrace of the Serpent - 1/5

Terrible terrible terrible. A target with a shit route in a small area that’s “repurposed” by just covering it in guards. Not to mention the missed opportunity of making the target a poacher but not giving us a way to make an animal kill him, when there’s an animal in the main mission that can kill a target. For shame, IO.

Chasing a Ghost/Mumbai - 5/5

Another God-tier level and an atmospheric masterpiece. The Maelstrom has one of the best routes in the series and the other two aren’t so shabby either, with ways to get them out of their fortresses for manual kills like the smoke and the laundry foreman. Having a target not locatable via instinct is so cool, and the Maelstrom goes places I don’t expect him to sometimes. It fits his character that his behaviour is as mysterious and varied as he is, leading to lots of ways to kill him. The only problems level design wise I have other than the rating system is the fact that there’s no big area you can climb up to survey and snipe the whole area due to its weird horizontal layout, and there’s lots of disguise swapping that doesn’t make sense. Why can’t I go into the Crows’ hideout as Vanya’s guard? They’re on the same side. The mission also has mission stories with lots of variance and experimentation, which wouldn’t save the mission if it did have bad routes and experimentation without that but it’s the cherry on top to have scripted kills that can feel unscripted with how you do them. Like suit only Kashmirian strategies, poisoning Dawood’s glass as the actor or using the script opportunity to blow him up in the bathroom. And not to mention that Dawood Rangan is one of the best targets in the series personality wise. He’s so awesome.

Illusions of Grandeur - 2/5

Basil Carnaby’s route is actually not bad, making the chawed a hostile area is kinda neat but all that is thrown out the window when the dude offers to hypnotise you. He takes you upstairs alone, you jab a poison syringe in his back then you leave the level. I don’t know what IO was thinking. What a waste of a pretty reskin of Mumbai.

Another Life/Whittleton Creek - 5/5

A brilliant sequel to A New Life. The clues thing can get old but I won’t let that get in the way of two fantastic targets. Nolan’s route is filled with accidents whilst Janus can be lured out of his home with a couple of coin throws, even then I would say Janus’ house in general I would single out as being one of the best single areas of gameplay in the trilogy. Guard placement, security cameras and enforcer choice is perfect.

A Bitter Pill - 3/5

This mission’s okay. It’s basically just a full level version of Janus’ house but security is way too easy to get past. If they just locked the basement door this mission would be so much better.

The Ark Society/Isle of Sgail - 4/5

Mediocre targets let down some fantastic vertical level design. Sgail is very fun to stealth through and explore but the Washington twins are kind of boring compared to Janus from the previous mission. They’re not outright bad, there’s lots of non-story kills you can do since they’re highly manipulatable, but their routes are usually taken through crowds and take to long to get to those areas. It’s great for Contracts mode however, with the most markable NPCs of any level, in fact the Constant has a pretty good route which is unfortunate since the whole point of the level is NOT to kill him.

Golden Handshake/New York - 3/5

Great level geometry that’s fun to sneak around, this level is also great for Contracts mode, but I feel the actual objective while fun is mostly there to make up for a mediocre target route. You can kill Athena anywhere anyway with some knock outs or items so manipulating her to go someplace else to try new kills isn’t that attractive an option. Plus her route is very short.

The Last Resort/Haven Island - 4/5

This is one of my favourites level design wise, all three targets have enjoyable routes with even Tyson being manipulatable via coins to get him out to his balcony. However what kills the levels for me is the viewcones. To give some context IOI decided to change sightlines for NPCs just for this level in order to accommodate the wide beaches of the map. As it wouldn’t make sense for a guy not to see you jogging on an empty beach you’re not supposed to be if he’s looking into the distance. This was a terrible idea and means you’re never sure when you’re going to be seen doing something or not. I understand the reasoning but some areas like the villa were clearly designed for smaller viewcones, and I think consistency of mechanics trumps realism any day.

The Last Yardbird/Austria - 3/5

The first of WoA 2’s three sniper missions. It’s decent but due to it being the first they made it’s a bit too simple and becomes very repetitive on replays. Most target manipulations are cryptic and slow, and a larger problem with Sniper Assassin is due to it being a shooting gallery you tend to just pick one strategy that works and stick with it, you don’t tend to experiment like you do the main game.

Pen & the Sword/Hantu Port - 3/5

This one is my least favourite of the sniper maps. While manipulations this time are faster and simpler the map being so wide and open means you’re going to get caught when you don’t think you should’ve. I played all three sniper maps again recently and this was the one I gave up getting silent assassin with. The strat I usually used for grinding just didn’t work consistently like the ones for Himmelstein and Siberia

Crime & Punishment/Siberia - 4/5

This is the one where they finally go it right. Crime and Punishment is a legitimately great mission, sniper or otherwise. The riot mechanic gives way to a lot of variance and experimentation that actually consistently works, there’s lots of ways to change target routes in subtle ways that make sense (like killing a guard that was meant to get someone for the target, so the target walks over there himself) and the design isn’t so wide bodies are getting found left and right. Whether you’re starting a riot or playing it quiet it’s an excellent Hitman-style shooting gallery.

3 God-tier Levels 3 Missions

4 Good-to-Great Levels 4 Missions

4 Average-to-Good Level 5 Mission

0 Bad-to-Mediocre Level 2 Missions

0 Really Bad Levels 1 Mission

0 Horrible Missions

As you can see where Hitman 2 excels in pure level design it flops hard when it comes to the bonus missions. Hitman 2 is still my favourite game in the series, I’m very biased towards it and its specific levels, but I’m not close minded and I hope IO can take the little failures and huge successes of Hitman 2 and deliver the magnum opus of the series with upcoming third part of WoA.

And that means the totals for the whole franchise are (and if you want to correspond this to a tier list it basically means S, A, B, D, E, and F, respectively):

12 God-Tier Missions

29 Good-to-Great Missions

21 Average-to-Good Missions

8 Bad-to-Mediocre Missions

5 Really Bad Missions

1 Horrible Mission

[worryinglyinnocent]

Fic: Dead Man Walking (4/?)

Summary: Prime Ministers don’t normally wake up in morgues after they’ve been murdered, but that’s exactly what Robert Sutherland has just done. Right in front of Lacey’s nose. With limited resources and not knowing who to trust, Sutherland and Lacey must work together to get to the bottom of the attempted assassination.

Based loosely on this dream I had.

Rated: T, eventually E.

Note: This is meant to be ‘darkly humorous and amusing mystery’ rather than ‘gripping political thriller’…

[One] [Two] [Three] [AO3]

—

Dead Man Walking

Four

Lacey’s night just kept getting stranger. Having delivered the Prime Minister safely into the hands of his Chief of Staff, who, although at least three sheets to the wind and probably closer to four, did at least seem capable, she should have just left them to it.

She should have just got them out of the hospital, waved them cheerily away with a cry of ‘good luck, don’t nearly get assassinated again’ and gone home. It was almost two o’clock in the morning, for heaven’s sake, she had better places to be than skulking down alleyways beside the ambulance station. Like bed, for instance.

But no. Here she was, skulking down an alleyway with the Prime Minister, the Prime Minister’s drunk Chief of Staff, and the Prime Minister’s drunk Chief of Staff’s equally drunk mother, for whose presence no one had a satisfactory explanation.

There was a taxi waiting in the shadows and Lacey nearly jumped out of her skin when the lights came on, half-convinced that the secret service had caught them, and they were all about to be thrown in jail for absconding with a supposedly dead body.

These fears were immediately allayed by the taxi driver sticking her head out of the window wearing an incredulous expression.

“Did you two just kidnap the Prime Minister?” she whispered, in as close to a shout of alarm as a whisper could ever get. “I told you I wasn’t getting involved in any illegal activity! You put him back where you found him right now or I’m turning this car around!”

“We’re not kidnapping him, we’re rescuing him,” Carrie said patiently. “And considering we found him in the morgue, we’d really rather not put him back there if it’s all the same to you.”

“Well, technically we found him in a linen closet,” Mrs de Ville pointed out. “Miss French found him in the morgue.”

“Can we please get out of here?” Sutherland asked. “I thought this was a rescue mission; you’re talking more than a fucking cabinet meeting and making about as little sense.”

The stunned taxi driver still did not move.

“Shouldn’t you have a limo and bodyguards and the works?” she asked.

“Well, if we’re going to get technical,” Carrie snapped. “As it is, he’s got us, and I suggest that we get out of here.”

Carrie bundled the Prime Minister into the back of the taxi, much to his protest at being manhandled on top of already having died that evening and been poked with needles by Lacey.

Lacey should have taken this as her cue to leave. He was in good hands; everything would be all right. All she had to do now was avoid the hospital for a couple of days until the furore died down and Sutherland was officially alive and back in Downing Street again.

Her phone buzzed with the arrival of a text message, and the weight of it in her hand reminded her of her earlier phone call to Dorothy and the test tubes of blood she’d dropped off in the pathology lab whilst she’d had Sutherland hiding in the closet. She couldn’t walk away now. Like it or not, she was in too deep. She’d been in too deep the moment she decided to help the poor man avoid the Suits rather than simply informing the necessary authorities that he was alive.

She looked at the message; it was from her father.

DID YOU STEAL THE PM???

She ignored it and shoved her phone back in her bag. She could answer later, once everything wasn’t quite so up in the air.

“Are you coming, darling?” Carrie was standing by the open taxi door. “All things considered I think we might need you. As amazingly put together as I look right now, I’m just a tad worse for wear and a sober brain might be helpful. And, of course, we can work out some kind of recompense for the marvellous help you’ve already given.”

It was not exactly the promise of recompense that swayed Lacey, but she couldn’t deny that when one of the most powerful people in the country – she’d seen Yes Minister, she knew how much power the Civil Service held – said that she might be needed, it did make her preen a little.

“My moped’s round the corner,” she said. “I’ll follow you.”

With that, she thought, she’d effectively thrown her lot in with Sutherland and sealed her fate, no matter what that might be once the Suits caught up to them. If the Suits caught up to them. Maybe now that they’d discovered the body was missing, they’d realise what had happened and give it up as a bad job.

Carrie gave a nod of understanding and got back into the taxi. Immediately a heated discussion started up between her and the taxi driver, and Lacey left them to it, hurrying round the corner to where she’d left her moped, praying that this was not the one night that her luck had run out and she’d been clamped. Mercifully, the tired little Yamaha was waiting for her exactly where she’d left it earlier in the evening, as free as a bird.

A couple of minutes later she was following the taxi down the winding lanes that led away from Stoke Mandeville and into the middle of the dark countryside. She had no idea where she was going, all the roads looked the same at this time of night, and a thought struck her that they might be headed for Chequers. She quickly squashed it; there was no way she’d be allowed in there and Carrie wouldn’t have invited her.

They did not end up outside Chequers. They ended up outside a well-appointed detached house set back from the road on a leafy avenue in a quaint village. It was so typically English and respectable that it made the perfect hideout for a supposedly-dead Prime Minister and his partners in crime, and Lacey had to laugh at the sheer absurdity of the situation as she pulled into the sweeping driveway and parked up next to the taxi.

“Right. Coffee, I think,” Carrie said as she helped Sutherland out of the back of the taxi. “Would you like to come in for some, Ursula?” she asked the taxi driver. “You can leave your meter running if you like, but after all tonight’s excitement, I think you deserve something.”

Ursula was very visibly in two minds before she switched the taxi engine off and got out.

“Whatever,” she muttered. “Tonight’s already so goddamn weird. Might as well have coffee with the Prime Minister who just got kidnapped from a hospital.”

Mrs de Ville let them into the house and set about making coffee as everyone else settled in the living room – as stylish as Carrie and her mother looked, Lacey had to admit that the décor was absolutely atrocious. Carrie was fussing over Sutherland, who was not at all appreciative.

“I’m not sure I like you like this,” he muttered. “Worrying like a mother hen isn’t a good look on you. Where’s the snarky wisecracker telling me to get a grip every ten minutes.?

“Oh, she’s still here. It’s not every day that your boss dies and rises from the grave. I was distraught, Robert, I’ll have you know. Ask Mother. She’ll have to get the front wall repaired. I can’t believe how dismissive of my affections you are. I’ll withhold them next time you find yourself waking up in a morgue. You’ll be on your own then.”

Sutherland smiled. “That’s the Carrie I know.”

Mrs de Ville came in bearing a tray laden with cups, cafetière, sugar bowl and milk jug, along with a plate of chocolate biscuits, and Lacey reached out to intercept the cup that was heading towards Sutherland.

“No! I told you, you’re on water until we know what killed you. Besides, you already told me you thought it was your coffee that had been poisoned, surely that should put you off the stuff.”

Carrie raised an eyebrow. “I don’t think anything could put Robert off his coffee.”

Sutherland just glowered at Lacey. “Can I at least have a cigarette?” he asked, looking over at Mrs de Ville slotting one into the end of her holder. “After everything I’ve been through tonight, I think I deserve that small comfort at least.”

As a semi medical professional, Lacey knew that the correct answer was no, but the poor man looked so incredibly done with absolutely everything that she relented.

“Fine.”

He looked to Carrie, who had just accepted the pack from her mother and who rolled her eyes before handing it to him.

“Do you ladies mind if we light up?” Mrs de Ville asked Lacey and Ursula. “I wholeheartedly agree with the Prime Minister concerning the stressful events of the night and I’m not even the one who got assassinated.”

Ursula shrugged. “It’s your house, I’m just here for the ride. Well, that’s not strictly true, I’m here because I am the ride.”

“The one good thing about coming home is that I can use a cigarette holder and not look pretentious,” Carrie said.

“No, you still look pretentious,” Sutherland muttered. “There’s just two of you looking pretentious together.”

“I’m sorry, did you say someone had been assassinated?” Ursula said. Everyone in the room pointed to Sutherland and Ursula’s eyebrows shot to her hairline. “I’ve been in a car all night, I don’t think I’m up to speed here, and if you’re going to invite me in and give me coffee then I think I need to know the whole story in case some government scientists try to do experiments on me.” She looked at Lacey with suspicion. “You’re not a government scientist, are you?”

“Hell no.” Lacey threw her hands up in defence. “I just happened to be in the wrong place at the right time when the assassinee woke up, because the assassin didn’t do a very good job.”

“Right.” Ursula stared into the depths of her coffee cup and the room fell silent for a while.

“We’ve got to get to the bottom of this before someone realises that you’re missing,” Carrie said suddenly, stubbing out her cigarette and jumping up before grimacing and rubbing her head. “Ugh, Mother, why did you decide that elderflower wine was a good idea?”

“Elderflower wine is always a good idea. I think the problem came when we decided to bring gin into the mix.”

Lacey wished that she wasn’t on her moped. She could really have used some gin.

“Anyway, Sir Albert’s up to his neck in it, I swear. He’s locked me out of everything. Why’s he even down here in the first place? If you’ve got me you shouldn’t need him. He should be running the show up in London.”

Sutherland shrugged. “I didn’t invite him. I didn’t even know he was down here. Bad news must have travelled fast when you found me.”

Carrie shook her head. “No, he was already here, there’s no way he could have got here from London that fast.”

“Well, we already know that he’s a fucking piece of work, so it’s not too much of a stretch of the imagination to think he’d stretch to murder. I mean, he’s always hated me ever since I made it clear I wasn’t going to be his lapdog and he couldn’t just shove his hand up my arse and run the country through me like he did to my predecessor.”

Lacey couldn’t help but give a snort of laughter at that summation.

“It’s settled then. Sir Albert was responsible!” Mrs de Ville clapped her hands together. “I told you I was made to be a sleuth.”

“Mother, you did precisely nothing. And besides, as much as we all hate Sir Albert, we need some kind of proof.” Carrie’s eyes lit up. “Ursula! How do you feel about earning another fare?”

“Is this one going to involve illegal activity?”

“Well, that depends on your definition of illegal.”

Lacey’s phone buzzed again; she hoped it wasn’t her dad persisting with questions about the stolen Prime Minister.

Luckily, it was Dorothy with the test results.

D: Who the hell did you take this blood from? Are they still alive? Have you been sneaking around with your dad’s corpses?

L: Classified, yes, and technically no.

D: Technically… You know what, I don’t want to know. Anyway, here we go.

“Ok, it looks like you were poisoned with something I can’t pronounce that was extracted from the rhododendron plant, and you’ll be pleased to know that you can now eat and drink whatever you’d like as long as it does not contain rhododendrons.”

“Thank God.” Sutherland attacked the plate of biscuits with relish.

The conversation with Dorothy brought Lacey’s mind back full circle to the hospital.

“This Sir Albert guy you keep talking about,” she said. “Tall, grey suit, not much hair and what’s there is white, grey eyes, looks like he could kill you at fifty paces with dour expression alone?”

Sutherland nodded. “Yes, that certainly sounds like him. Head of the Civil Service.”

“Yeah, he was at the hospital. He was the one who kept delaying your autopsy and the one who, according to Dad, went ballistic when he handed off your effects to forensics without his say-so.”

“Yes, that definitely sounds like him.”

Carrie and Sutherland looked at each other.

“Bastard,” Carrie said. “Right, that settles it. We’re going to Chequers for evidence.”

Sutherland grabbed the last biscuit. “Can you get me some clothes whilst you’re there?”

[solivar]

WIP: Matryoshka

A slice of life in Hong Kong.

Written for my dearest @exmachinus ‘ natal day. I’m afraid it’s going to have to be a fic in two parts, my fic-daughter, because my brain is running out of coherent sentences.

Hanzo Shimada was a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside an enigma, and, frankly, is was driving Jesse McCree out of his goddamned mind.

For a significant number of years Jesse had cherished a rather fixed idea of who and what Hanzo Shimada was: the sort of man who, at the behest of his clan’s elders, would murder his own brother, then turn around and abandon the whole lot of them to their fate when Blackwatch came calling to end their criminal empire, scampering out ahead of a whole can of asswhup, only to turn up years later as one of the world’s best and most sought after and highly paid assassins, with corporate robber barons, corrupt military officials, and the heads of at least two fairly nasty and dysfunctional states on his confirmed resumé. A coldly self-interested bastard, in short, who valued nothing more highly than the sanctity of his own admittedly very pretty skin and the resources necessary to maintain it in the fashion to which it had become accustomed during his brief stint as kumicho of the Shimada-gumi. That idea had calcified over the years and settled into the bedrock of his preconceived notions with nothing to alter or dislodge it -- particularly not Genji Shimada, the aforementioned murdered brother plucked more dead than alive out of Hanamura and reconstructed as a moderately psychotic cyborg killing machine with knives for ankles and a seething hatred of his brother matched only by his seething hatred of himself, and certainly not the years he spent on the run after the fall of the ‘Watches, trying to avoid the sort of attention that would shorten his own lifespan rather significantly.

At some point in there, though, Genji found religion. Or he found himself. Or he found religion and himself and, upon doing so, decided that he didn’t really want the brother who had wronged him so profoundly dead any longer. Jesse could respect that in a man. Revenge was the sort of vice that lacked any meaningful step-down program and learning that his dearest friend, his brother in all but blood, had decided to forgo it for his own emotional and spiritual good was entirely understandable. Less entirely understandable? When he found himself looking at a combination contractual/emotional blackmail agreement under which he found himself relocating to Hong Kong to act as the bodyguard for said stone-cold snake/coldblooded assassin brother.

The least comprehensible part of all?

The moment he watched Hanzo Shimada, startlingly hot ice-cold rat-bastard, hurrying across the lobby of the ritzy arcology complex in which they lived to help one of his little old lady neighbors with her shopping bags, a thing he seemed to do on the regular. Regularly enough that she greeted him by name -- not his real name, of course, but Kira Ishinomori, the alias he used to all his neighbors and to Jesse himself -- and patted his arm and called him a good boy and gave his hulking giant of an American boyfriend the stink-eye when he came over to help. Hanzo/Kira’s neighbors were more or less evenly split among those who thought that Jesse/Jesse was the best possible thing that could happen to their shy and withdrawn neighbor who clearly wasn’t actually a serial killer despite his weird habit of disappearing at random in the middle of the night and those who wanted him to walk off a balcony in the dark and fall thirty stories to his death because they had cherished some hope of setting said neighbor up with one or more of their grandchildren. Mrs. Takaguchi-Simmons was one of the latter and regarded him with baleful disfavor even as he helped hump approximately six thousand pounds of groceries up five flights of stairs because the lifts were acting up again.

Hanzo/Kira’s neighbors would, each and every one, flatly refuse to believe that he had ever been a gangster-lord, a brother-murdering kinslayer, or was currently a professional assassin, even if they were shown incontrovertible evidence to the contrary -- which, as a matter of fact, they saw at least semi-regularly in the form of elaborate ink because the man didn’t always wear button-down sleeves. Hanzo/Kira was the sort who, when he knew a neighbor or a neighbor’s child was sick, would turn up on the doorstep with a pot of warm okayu and another pot of tea and would sit with the invalid while they ate and do the dishes afterwards. Hanzo/Kira always remembered birthdays and anniversaries -- Jesse knew because Toshokan-in’s calendar was full of reminders -- and he always bought or made at least a card and usually acquired some small but appropriate gift, as well. Hanzo/Kira was respectful of and helpful to his elderly neighbors with the reflexive deference of someone raised from the cradle to honor his elders, even the immensely crotchety Old Man Zheng, who had been the leading proponent of the serial killer explanation for his erratic comings and goings and who had lost quite a bit of money in the arcology betting pool when Jesse showed up to disprove it. Hanzo/Kira could occasionally be found sitting on the balcony smiling wistfully over the antics of the neighborhood children and slipping them candy and small bits of spending money when their parents weren’t looking. Hanzo/Kira interrogated him with immense casualness about his likes and dislikes, the things he preferred and those he merely endured, somehow sussed out his birthday from that information and baked him a cake, bought him a box of his favorite cigars and a fifty year old bottle of bourbon, and watched a John Ford movie marathon with him as they snuggled down together on the kotatsu and got happily shitfaced on forty-thousand dollar hooch.

Jesse was having significant quantities of trouble believing it himself and he knew every bit of it was true. Had trouble since the moment they’d met, when Hanzo/Kira had swooped out of nowhere to literally step on the heads of obnoxious punks causing him grief and seriously testing his desire to avoid attention from local law enforcement. Had trouble since that first morning/afternoon when Hanzo/Kira had floated the obvious explanation for his sudden advent with the word lovers and then took to cultivating the appearance with enthusiasm and verve. Had trouble because nowadays he was waking up every morning with his arms and head and heart all full of him and, oh, was he ever fucked.

Flickers of the sort of cold he’d expected from the start showed through every now and again, but they were few and far between. The most obvious and most persistent was the spare bedroom he’d turned into a walk-in storage and manufacture closet for his weapons, protected from accidental access by its own security system, to which he’d only been permitted entry once, and he had come out with a cold shiver lodged in the base of his spine that had refused to thaw all day. Hanzo/Kira had not, to his knowledge, accepted any side contracts since taking him in, ostensibly to protect him from his numerous enemies both real and fictional. Jesse was legitimately unsure of what he’d do or say if he did, since at least some of the proceeds from that particular profession were fueling his current lifestyle, which involved eating delicious food prepared by a man who really knew how to cook, drinking the best class of booze he had enjoyed in many a long year, indulging his favorite old hobby (photography) and his favorite new hobby (lounging in the sun smoking and playing endless games of Mah Jong with two salty old men), updating Joel Morricone’s blog on a significantly more regular basis, and sleeping safe and warm in the arms of a man who could probably kill him with his toes alone.

(“How much of this comes from…” He’d begun to ask one day only to come to a halt when one of those flickers of cold happened -- Kira’s warm amber-brown eyes icing over and his face going utterly still and he knew he was looking on the last thing at least a few people in the world had ever seen.

“My day job?” Hanzo Shimada had asked, and the silky-cold smoothness of it had sent a chill rolling down his back. “Less than you might think. If it bothers you --”

“Oh no. No. I was just --” He reached over the breakfast table and caught his hand. “A li’l curious, is all.”

“Ah.” A little smile twitched at the corner of his mouth and a certain impish gleam came into his eyes and the cold was gone just like that. “To be honest, before I left Japan I extracted my entire trust fund and moved it into an anonymous offshore account. Genji’s, as well. Once matters settled enough to allow it, I laundered it through a number of different operations, and placed most of it in a highly diversified investment portfolio. I have been living off the proceeds ever since.” He picked up and nibbled at an apricot. “Honestly, the first goal of any Yakuza worth the name is extracting as much profit as possible from any enterprise in which he involves himself. You have no idea how close I am to being a CPA.”

“So, uh,” Jesse had asked, “why the killin’ people?”

“Some people deserve to die,” Had replied Hanzo Shimada and Jesse fell a little bit more in love than he’d been before.)

And, yes, he was in love. Deeply, fucking stupidly in love, with his best friend’s big brother, with whom he was sleeping nightly, chastely, platonically. And it was killing him. Killing him dead. It was not only that he was hotter than the photosphere of the sun, all warm golden eyes and silver-threaded black hair and regal aquiline features you’d find in paintings of Heian court noblemen and a body kept in shape through regular exercise that did not partake of the hellborn abomination known as jogging. It was not only that he seemed perpetually bathed in a gentle, intoxicating blend of cedar-cinnamon-sandalwood-spice that invaded the senses and worked its way into his dreams and likely was the sort of thing that would make men far straighter than himself seriously question their sexuality. It was absolutely not only the cooking.

It was a blend of all the things he’d show himself to be since he’d come into Jesse’s life, or Jesse had come into his, and Jesse was absolutely, one hundred percent certain that Hanzo or Kira or Hanzo and Kira recognized absolutely none of them, because the man could, transparently, only barely stand to live in his own skin.

He had come upon the knowledge, randomly and unexpectedly, in the dead of night, when he was woken from a deep and dreamless sleep by the desperate, pained whimpers of an animal with its leg caught in a trap. Or, at least that’s what he thought it was, as his mind swam up from the depths, and then crashed into reality, which was a cold spot at his side that Hanzo usually occupied and sounds that were half-words and half-not, emanating from where he lay curled around himself at the edge of the bed.

“Kira?” Jesse had asked, thoughts fuzzy and muddled with sleep and then, when some of what the man whispering, over and over like a panic mantra, made its way through, “Hanzo?”

He hadn’t responded, except to curl up tighter and sob aloud, words in Japanese he wished he didn’t know but did, from experiences similar. It had taken him awhile to bring him back down, with soft words and gentle touches, and in the morning he had still been quiet and withdrawn. Kira had spent the next few days making a good attempt at being the Best Human Ever, with not a single glimpse of Hanzo peeking through, not matter how alone they were. Jesse had spent them mulling over the knowledge that, even though Genji was alive and had granted his forgiveness freely, Genji’s brother didn’t think he deserved it and still dreamt of why. Spent even more thinking of Kira and of Hanzo and whether or not Hanzo realized they weren’t two different people, not a role and a real person, but one whole being, because nobody, no matter how dedicated they were to verisimilitude, actually bothered to make friends with other people’s kids unless he really enjoyed it, or made his best girl friend a medicinal rub to make her nasty asshole granddaddy less unbearable, or behaved like a basically decent human as completely and reflexively as he did without actually being one. Wondered if there were anything he could do to make him see it, or believe it.

*

[mordredbi]

who wants to hear me rant about a fe x fate stay night thing here: 

Noire is Shirou (the protag) and has parts of Sakura's development, Sev is Rin (resident tsundere), Lucina is Saber (lucinoire/lucisevnoire agenda), Lonk is Kiritsugu (sad dad), and that's all the ones based off of FSN and I'm thinking about more unique storylines for the rest (ie. I did not put much thought into them or I haven’t thought about them at all). 

Basically there's a certain timeline that flows into the modern world. It's based off of the Future Past timeline, but Lucina fails in this one and dies with the rest of her comrades. Before dying, she manages to get Robin back to their senses long enough for them to stab each other, and then Lucina's spirit is summoned from there into the modern timeline like how Saber manifests in FSN. So Grima does not destroy world, but it is a bitter victory that becomes a legend.

Fast forward to Shirou's story, Noire is adopted after the fire that ravages the town is unleashed from the Holy Grail, only this time it's the Fire Emblem that's the artifact of doom, in the _th Fire Emblem War. So Lon'qu adopts her along with his husband, Libra, bc why the fuck not lmao. Ten years later, Libra has to go to the Mage's Association to go dismantle the entire concept of the wars, and Lon'qu has to follow bc he's also his bodyguard. So they're forced to leave Noire, who did not know about magic aside from simple healing that Libra taught her, in the capable hands of Severa's family. 

Yeah, so Severa... has an inferiority complex towards her family's gift for dark magic (it's true it's in their default classes). She's an ambitious young mage who wants to win the Fire Emblem, but does not exactly have the qualifications to summon a Saber-class. Nevertheless, she sneaks out to spy on the rituals. Of course, this doesn't end well when Noire and Severa accidentally get caught witnessing two Servants fighting with no defenses, which forces Severa to summon but to no avail. Unbeknownst to them, Noire has the correct artifact to summon Saber, and Lucina rescues the two of them.

So now we have two school students trying to fight off other mages while juggling with their daily life as like any eroge VN (there will be none of this mana regeneration “ritual”; they’re high schoolers).

Major plot shit:

Reincarnation is a thing. Those who aren’t considered a Heroic Spirit just reincarnate. So a major source of angst will probably happen due to Lucina being stuck in the past and will probably never be released from her status as a Hero.

Noire encounters her real mother. This is Tharja, except she is the exact same Tharja from the old timeline who has been body surfing for centuries in order to find a way to resurrect Robin/Grima. She’s become very even more misguided in her devotion to Robin and will do anything to win a chance to revive them. She’s probably Kotomine’s counterpart, in which she summons a spirit (or killed for one) and is a secret master.

Lucina is afraid of going back to the past and wants the Fire Emblem to fix her failure. Because of this, she has the inability to let go of people close to her and is terrified of the thought that she’ll remain in that state forever as a hero who couldn’t save her kingdom. Anyways there’s pretty much a cheesy ending where it turns out Lucina was reincarnated all along but it’s like at the very end where this is revealed. Which means Lucina as a Heroic Spirit will always disappear in the story. Oh and her reincarnation can cameo for a short bit in other routes it’s not like I’m taking this seriously.

Noire and Severa have a strange joint partnership with their spirit. Noire is the one officially bound to Lucina while Severa can help in battle tactics as well as fight alongside Lucina. Of course, Severa does like to brag a bit about this.

The Fire Emblem is corrupted from a while ago, which makes a lot of the characters dreams and wishes pretty much for nothing.

Background character plot:

Lon’qu is assigned as Libra’s guard in the previous war, and they fall in love. They both happily raise Noire while being cautious of the Mage Association watching them, as Libra is a high ranking mage but dislikes getting any more involvement with them.

Noire is still messed up because she did live with Tharja for a few years before being dropped off at an orphanage. She still underwent the experiments Tharja created and has a dormant edgey side as a result. This manifests into a dark vessel that wants to consume the Fire Emblem’s power to become even greater than Grima.

Other (?) routes I’m thinking about:

Alfonse and Sharena are the heirs for the Askr family and summon their servant. Their family is partly responsible for bringing the Fire Emblem into the magic ritual. As so, they have high expectations placed on them, and they are extremely knowledgeable on the history of heroes and are confident that their time has come to bring honor to their family. However when they summon their hero, it’s the Masked Man/Bruno, someone who they never had seen before. Later on it turns out that Bruno is probably most likely c’mon it’s a little obvious Zacharias, their best friend, who is a bitter future version of himself. He’s from a timeline where Alfonse and Sharena die from the war, so he’s here to save them without giving away his identity because he’s full of self-loathing and is pretty much a cryptid. He’s almost like Archer, except his class may be Caster or Assassin.

Veronica is from another high-end mage family that took part in the creation of the Fire Emblem Wars. However, the previous war greatly damaged the family, leaving her the sole person left. Her loneliness makes her wish for the destruction of the world, although that is actually an influence from outside forces (as evidenced in Xenolouge 1). Like the Askr siblings, Veronica possesses high talent and knowledge over the summoning ritual. Her Servant is Xander as Rider, who bonds with her in a fatherly way and allows her to (as much as I hate to admit it) open up as a person and break away from the tool the mages see her as.

I’m not really sure about this one, but Camilla from Birthright’s timeline will become Berserker, who is maddened with sorrow and betrayal over her family. I was originally thinking about having the Hoshido kids piss around with summoning (Takumi and Sakura), but maybe I should try pairing her with someone else since she can’t really interact very well due to most Berserkers trading in sanity for the strength boosts of their class. I keep thinking about Louise making her the unofficial mom of Nino, and now I can’t stop thinking about this kid walking around with this off-rails mom with a big dragon while the competition looks at them in fear lol.

Well that’s like 4/7 combos I guess that’s enough. So the others will be based on older FE games bc this looks biased af but I’m too tired to think of other shit bye.