#fuck an organ transplant at this point i'll take having a shoulder strong enough for me to lean on! | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pochapal · 2 days ago

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some of you haven't experienced true hell until you end up drowning in Horrors and your only lifeline is an individual who completely sucks and only views you as a feelgood accessory to augment their own life and you can't seek anything better for yourself because there is a rot inside your body that you cannot fix and scares literally every other human being away no matter what you do so it's either settle for being shoved into someone else's myopic fantasy mold or let every minute of your life be ruled by unfathomable loneliness and terror. as you do.

#:)#the illness is survivable the material circumstances the illness has locked me into are unbearable however #i feel wet and pathetic moaning about this because all this shit really should pale in comparison to the Literal Organ Failure #but you know how much it sucks when everything in your life either stresses you out or bums you out!#like i have uni but that's stressful on account of how unstable my schedule it is #my ability to go places and do stuff is dependent on if i can work around constant hospital appointments #and other people in my life all fail me in various ways!#my parents are understandably traumatised and 24/7 fixated on my health so no reprieve there #my friend is good and lovely but she's barely keeping her own head above water herself #and my partner....complete flop #can't talk about my illness because it upsets him and he needs comforting instead #i have to go visit him on his terms because he won't take time off work and his ocd means he refuses to leave his city #so this obviously limits when/how much i can see him since it's 2.5 hours to reach his house #and when i do see him he only really entertains Cute Gay Romance fantasy so vibe killer conversations are no go #since obviously i'm way less desirable when bumming him out talking about my mortality lmao #but that means that i can't and shouldn't really lean on him in literally any way in any matter #so i spend so many days sitting in my house dwelling on scary thoughts with not much to break it up! absolutely maddening lol #think i would kill sometimes just to have someone around who i can uncomplicatedly cry to but being in your 20s is about Not having that #fuck an organ transplant at this point i'll take having a shoulder strong enough for me to lean on!#maudlin on main again but i'll get over it

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