#fuck James vowels man honestly

[killerandhealerqueen]

I need Logan to tell us where he’s going like YESTERDAY

[lestappenforever]

Quick and Weekly (or rather race week specific) kind of analysis, basically just my takes on what went on during the race.

WE NEED TO GET THE YOUNGER ROOKIES SEATS. Ollie was an absolute beast yesterday, finish p7, managing the tyres, MANAGING A 7 TIME WORLD CHAMPION BEHIND HIM, holding off the rest of the pack, close to overtaking george, just Nico with his experience was able to hold him off a bit longer. Scoring more points in F1 than F2. Scoring more points than almost half of the grid. All with just one free practice session. This kid has a future (the only driver I could actually call kid😂)

Ferrari look fast. Finally being able go see Charles’ pace yesterday, in addition to not being fucked over by strategy or any shit, they’ve done a pretty good iob on that car. I mean, a rookie scored on his debut, and so far, a Ferrari’s always been on the podium. Of course this is just the second race, but still.

Haas aren’t that shit this year. The car looks good. Kevin was an absolute MENACE yesterday. Holding off Yuki, Esteban, Zhou, Valtteri, Alex, Logan, Daniel ALL WHILE HE KNOWS HE HAS A 20 SECOND PENALTY. Also Nico’s pace was pretty good, holding off Zhou and Alex, and kind of with ease. Apparently having a TP other than Guenther is proving to something quite positive.

RB are in shambles. Like, Yuki was pretty good, but wasn’t able to convert his p9 quali to points, and Daniel is just not doing well, that even with that 20 second penalty to Kevin, he’s still dead last. (Maybe it wasn’t McLaren, it was the choice of leaving red bull back in 2019) (I have a whole thing in my head about Daniel, and I still want to make sure if the facts and data before sharing it). But it might have been a miss that RB didn’t get Liam in this season, but we never know. I mean, Helmut Marko did say that there could be mid season surprises. And so far, non of the RB drivers seem or look to be even in contention for that Red Bull seat, in all honesty, it appears so far that Checo is more likely to keep his seat for 25!

I am not 100% convinced with either McLaren or Mercedes. Like yes both are consistently scoring points, and gaining, but I can’t really find that speed. Like they are okay, better than last year, but not Ferrari level improvement. Also, the strategy that both teams put Lando and Lewis on (especially Lando) cost him a better position, more points, maybe even a podium let’s be real.

Williams are okay. Ngl, I love James Vowels, his technicalities and as he said in DTS his geek-inees (hoping to be like him honestly one day). I feel like, Saudi and Bahrain aren’t really their tracks, because they did well, both Logan and Alex gaining positions. They are a team I’m waiting and hoping to see thrive, because Alex and Logan both deserve it.

Stake were okay, especially with that Zhou crash in FP3, like he couldn’t even qualify, but strategy kind of wasn’t ideal, and in all honesty, they’re just kay, not too fast, but not too slow.

And finally, our leaders. Despite everything, they do be cooking (Adrian and Max, you’ve both done it). That speed, the tyre deg, just everything about that car is phenomenal. And Max deserves it, after everything he’s gone through in his life, and he deserves to re-write the history books, which he already is, with re-reaching seb’s record not even 6 months after breaking it. This man who everyone is bored of his dominance are all going to be crying and missing him after he retires (I DON’T WANT TO THINK OF THIS DAY, BECAUSE I’LL BE THE FIRST ONE IN TEARS) but Max Emilian Verstappen is something that hasn’t come and probably won’t come again in Formula 1 and Motorsport history.

So yeah, that’s kind if my inital takes in the race, kind if a mini summary as well, and may we always listen to the Dutch National Anthem because I’ve been emotional this week with Max and everything happening around him.

This is such a wonderful analysis that really doesn't need anything added to it because you've got this spot-on, so I will try to keep my own thoughts relatively brief.

Ollie did incredible and I am so excited to see him in F1 permanently. Him and Liam? The future is bright.

I am cautiously optimistic about Ferrari and I really hope that, for once, they won't fuck themselves over which is in no way, shape or form a guarantee.

K-Mag did so fucking well, and it brings me so much joy seeing my fellow Scandinavian putting on such a performance. And Nico had a decent race, which also makes me happy. It's obviously far too early to be sure, but their new team principal seems to have been a good choice.

VCARB are just... Well, I'm not even going to utter my thoughts. All I will say is that there is no way in hell Daniel will be a good replacement for Checo. Claiming Daniel is better than him is just laughable.

McLaren and Mercedes are giving Ferrari 2023 vibes with their strategy calls yesterday, and it will be interesting to see how they develop over the season.

I truly hope Williams will improve over the course of the season, because I want to see Alex and Logan do well so fucking badly.

As for Stake: they were unlucky, and I'm just glad Zhou made it out of that crash unscathed. It's a shame he missed out on being able to qualify because holy hell did that team do their fucking best trying to get his car ready. I want to see him, and Bottas, do well.

As for Red Bull, they are as impressive as I hoped they were going to be so far this season, and as a Max girl it makes me laugh seeing Max haters bitch about his dominance making the sport boring. I, for one, am having the time of my fucking life. I won't even think about him retiring at this point, and will just keep enjoying every race for as long as I can. And seeing Checo starting off the season in such a strong manner fills me with joy. I am by no means Checo's biggest fan, but the shit he went through last season at the hands of disgusting Helmut Marko and the F1 community at large has me wanting him to suceed. Put some respect to his name because God knows he's fucking earned it.

Thank you so much for sharing yet another wonderful analysis, my darling. You have no idea how happy it makes me, and how much I appreciate it. ❤️

[themyskira]

Wonder Woman #35

Previously on the James Robinson Shitshow: Diana and her long-lost brother Jason spent fifteen pages staring sappily into each other’s eyes, gushing about their love for one another and generally just flirting outrageously, but then Jason was like “lol psych i hate u”, turned into a tidal wave and tried to kill her.

On the plus side, Diana actually appeared in the majority of pages last issue, which is an refreshing change, so maybe things are on the impr--

haha yeah no.

In a flashback, an old man peers out into a darkened yard and calls for Jason. This is Glaucus who you may remember as the fisherman-god who was charged by the Amazons with the task of raising Jason in secrecy, for reasons.

A tiny Jason comes flying over brandishing a boat, all, ‘omg omg dad I dreamed that I was super-strong and could fly, and it turns out that I am super-strong and can fly!!’

Glaucus overlooks the massive, gaping plot hole (in her Rebirth origin Diana wasn’t born with flight or super-strength; she earned those blessings from the gods), tells Jason to put down the boat that definitely isn’t his (Jason somehow manages to accidentally hurl it down so hard that it’s smashed to bits) and decides to fill the kid on his true parentage.

We segue into a voiceover from Glaucus, which is irritating, because Glaucus has an obnoxious habit of swallowing his vowels, e.g. “servin’ my captain ’n’ leader, the original Jason o’ lore ’n’ legend”. Fuck’s sake, Robinson, you don’t have to write everything phonetically.

He spends numerous pages recapping all the backstory we only just learned last issue, and I’m seriously starting to wonder whether Robinson is that bad of a writer or whether he’s just padding every issue of this arc with recaps of other comics to try and cover up just how insubstantial his plot is.

Glaucus tells us that Jason wondered why his birth parents didn’t visit him, and Glaucus did not have an answer for him. Even though Glaucus, having taken the infant Jason from Philippus’ hands through a hole in a mystical barrier surrounding the island, should know that Themyscira is cut off from Man’s World — or at least be switched-on enough to infer that Hippolyta probably can’t leave.

Anyway, Jason takes it all in his stride and decides he has an awesome enough dad without worrying about his birth parents.

Then we get the run-down of Jason’s powers, which we were also already given last issue: flight, super-strength, and some vaguely-defined air elemental power that also gives him power over the tides and tsunamis because lol why not.

Glacus decides that Jason will need training, so he calls in his buddy Hercules. We get the stock-standard sequence of Hercules tossing around the scrawny kid like a rag doll, Jason smiling gamely and then a segue into a training montage, until one day Jason is able to best Hercules in a sparring match. It’s dull, soulless stuff.

We’re halfway through the issue at this point and there’s really nothing in here that wasn’t already covered last time.

Herc and Jason have a heart-to-heart. Herc admits that he tends to avoid people, seeking solitude “so I don’t have to think about some of the things I’ve done”. Which makes me wonder what the fuck he does with his days, because being alone with your thoughts for long stretches is a fucking recipe for unhealthily stewing over all your past mistakes. What, does he just spend all of his time hunting and skinning bears and playing video games to try and avoid thinking about all the women he raped and murdered?

And that’s the other thing: Ever since Wonder Woman #1, way back in 1942, Hercules has been the Amazons’ original tormenter. The guy who deceived them, enslaved them and subjected them to the most vile treatment. His more recent comics history involves him trying to steal Diana’s power, and trying to hurt her by assuming a false identity and drugging her with love potions. Why is Robinson trying so hard to portray him as sympathetic?!

But anyway, nah, Robinson’s Hercules is a super great bloke, and even though he’d rather be hiding away in his isolated cabin throwing a one-man pity party for himself, he’s willing to come out of seclusion just to hang out with his little brother!

Next page is a masked teenage Jason, maybe sixteen or seventeen, fighting a rampaging Minotaur-like beast… which, yep, was also covered last issue.

Glaucus finds him later and informs him that Hercules has taken off again and, oh, by the way son, I’m leaving too. Got some vague sailor-y wanderlust to take care of. Plus, you’re basically an adult, right? No, you can’t come with me; somebody’s gotta look after the house.

Then Glaucus gives Jason a shiny new boat, tells him to live, and does a douchey Batman exit when his back is turned.

Jason breaks the fourth wall to announce that he’ll be taking over the narration boxes now.

“Glaucus lied”, Jason tells us. “He never came back. And I tried not to hate him.” He gives us the dull rundown of the next few years — fishing, partying, fucking, watching the reports of his twin sister’s heroism and wondering whether to reach out — all of which, again, we already know.

Then one morning, while out fishing, Jason feels something in the water with his air powers (yes, I know), and the Deep Six burst out of the sea and do the villain speech thing. Jason, mentally reflecting that this is what it feels like to be truly alive, grabs a harpoon and leaps into battle.

And that’s it. That’s the issue.

I already had rock-bottom expectations of James Robinson, but I think I’m gonna have to revise them down again, because I honestly went into this issue assuming that Jason had at least not been telling Diana the whole truth and that this was going to be the real, unvarnished story of Jason’s blah blah tragic past and why he hates his sister.

But nope, turns out that everything he told her last issue was completely true and there was really nothing to add to it.

[ejsponge61]

Atlanta and the Rise of African American English

           In the months leading up to its premiere on September 6th of 2016, buzz for the television show, Atlanta, had been growing. The city has been in the spotlight in the last few years. Over a decade ago, Tyler Perry used the city as a filming location for his first Madea movie, Diary of a Mad Black Woman, and ever since, Hollywood has flocked to the area due to its lower relative cost when compared to other locations in America. Movie franchises such as Guardians of the Galaxy and Fast and the Furious have filmed in the city. At the same time, hip hop had blossomed in the Metro Atlanta area, and artists from the region, such as Ludacris and 2 Chainz, were gaining national recognition. This lead to Atlanta becoming a national center for hip hop culture for over the last decade. People looked forward to the show’s depiction of black culture in such a distinctive place, and the show also seemed to be the culmination of years of attention the city has been getting. So, because of this, the show was greeted by widespread success.

           The pilot episode, “The Big Bang”, set a record for most viewers for most viewers of a basic cable comedy premiere, with 1.8 million tuning in. With an average of 888,000 viewers for each of the ten episodes, the entire first season of Atlanta was a financial success. However, the show was also critically acclaimed. The show has won 2 Golden Globes, for best Musical or Comedy Television Series and for Donald Glover as Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical Series. The show has also taken home an AFI award, two Critic’s Choice Television awards, two Writer’s Guild of America awards, and is also nominated for four Primetime Emmys later this year. For the Stone Mountain raised writer, lead actor, and creator of Atlanta, Donald Glover, all this success and acclaim is surely much appreciated. However, some might be surprised by the mainstem success of the show.

           Because the show is set in modern day Atlanta, Georgia, and is written by someone who was raised in the area for most of his youth, it features heavy use of an African American English, specifically of the Southern variety. There are many scenes that would show this, but the best example comes from the second episode of the series, “Streets on Lock”. The protagonist, Earn, was involved in a shooting in the prior episode and is now awaiting bail within a holding area in the local jail. One of those waiting in the room turn to him and express their frustration.  The scene can be viewed here and a transcript can be seen below.

Man: Ridiculous, man. Man, what'd you do to get in here?

Earn: Um Damn, man.

Man: [stammers] I should've just went home, boy. Shit, instead I'm in here, locked up, 'cause this fool I ain't seen in about 11 years, man. Boy, I was at Five Points, 'bout to catch a bus, feel me? And this nigga I ain't seen led me and come on talking about, “Man, listen, hey, I ain't seen you in about 11 years, boy. Let's hang out. You know, get a beer.” So, I followed him to the goddamn gas station. We get two beers, ain't get but two of 'em, but they were the big ones, though; they were the big ones. Anyway, so he like, “Man, come on, let's go up to the house and drink 'em. “So, we get to the house, he like, man, my old lady [murmurs] So we gon' drink 'em on the porch, feel me? I'm like, “Boy, APD be rolling through here, boy.” And he done talked me into it, so, sure enough, APD done roll up and seen the goddamn two cans out there. Locked me up for public intoxication. You know man I'm in here, man, ‘cause this nigga, man, I ain't seen in 11 years, man. I'm gonna be in here till Tuesday 'cause I ain't cash my check.

Earn: That's messed up.

Man: Damn, man, I should've went home! Shit!

Grady: Hey, man, I said I was sorry. I just ain't seen you in, like, 12 years.

Man: Man, fuck you, Grady! Shut up!

           This section displays a lot of aspects of African American English. He uses both boy and nigga as a term of address, and he pronounces boy as bwa. He removes unstressed syllables in some words, such as leb’m years instead of eleven years. He uses filler phrases, but they are sped up to the point where words change, such as him saying “Know what I’m talmbout?” rather than “Do you know what I’m talking about?” He removes consonant clusters at the end or beginning of some terms, such as ‘cause instead of because and gon’ instead of going. Also, the southern aspect of the dialect pops up in the vowel sounds he uses, such as jest instead of just. This might be the heaviest use of African American English in the show so far, but it is still fairly representative of its use throughout the show. However, the use of African American English to this extent has historically been uncommon in hugely successful shows such as Atlanta.

            Ever since the 1950’s television has been dominated by shows that have predominately white staff members, and those shows have commonly been the ones that are most consumed. Early television was dominated by variety shows, like Arthur Godfrey’s Talent Scouts, game shows, like The $64,000 Question, and news programs, like 60 Minutes, but sitcoms were and have also been immensely popular. Much like any other genre, the most watched sitcoms were still largely white. In fact, about thirty years after I Love Lucy, nearly twenty years after The Andy Griffith Show, and a decade after All in the Family, a show with a predominantly African American cast was the most watched television series in America.

            From 1986 to 1989, The Cosby Show was the most watched television show in America and it also won multiple Emmys and Golden Globes during its run. Despite the recently discovered controversies and atrocities committed by its star, The Cosby Show was one of the earliest examples of a mainstream, but also positive, depiction of African American life in America. Bill Cosby himself played a doctor, his fictional wife, played by Phylicia Rashad, was an attorney and their family was upper middle class. These aspects made the show more accessible to Caucasian viewers, and the cast resonated with African American viewers, so the show succeeded. However, these very same aspects that made the show easier to watch included the deemphasis of African American English, and honestly, race wasn’t focused on much in the series. Other sitcoms of the time, such as The Jeffersons and Diff'rent Strokes, heavily embraced African American English. In addition, The Jeffersons would often make jokes relating to race, using terms such as “nigger” and “honkey”, while Diff'rent Strokes was infamous for its uncharacteristically serious episodes that would tackle issues such as race. Mentions of race in The Cosby Show were often relegated to discussions of the Civil Rights Movement and black musicians such as James Brown and Lena Horne, and African American English wasn’t really spoken by any of the main characters.

            So, why is Atlanta, thirty years later, able to be so successful both commercially and critically while other black sitcoms have been either wildly successful without the use of African American English or have not reached such highs while using the dialect. Well, to understand the answer to that, other aspects of pop culture must be analyzed, as television, music, and film are all related to one another.

            Atlanta is far from the only media property to feature African American English. Even before the aforementioned The Jeffersons and Diff'rent Strokes, black characters in film had been using the dialect. One of the earliest examples of the dialect in film is the 1934 film Imitation of Life. In it, Louise Beavers played Delilah Johnson, the maid of the main character, Beatrice “Bea” Pullman. Beavers, who had grown up in the North and in California, had to study hard and long to nail the “southern negro dialect”. Her portrayal was relatively well received, as her role was one of the first times in American cinematic history that a black woman’s problems were given major emotional weight in a major Hollywood motion picture. However, she was given even more criticism for the role, as it continued the portrayal of black women by her, and by other blacks in Hollywood, in roles that were subservient to whites. In fact, almost every role that Beavers took before or since Imitation of Life was either a slave, servant, or maid, as those were the only roles available to blacks at the time. Still, while this use of African American English seemed to have mixed reception, countless films and shows have used African American English since. Some of the most authentic of these come from African Americans who have created and casted (or stared in) their own works.

            These works didn’t appear until the late 1970s and 1980s, and Spike Lee’s Do the Right Thing, is a great example of one of these later works. The film takes place entirely on Stuyvesant Avenue, between Quincy Street and Lexington Avenue, in Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn and tells the tale of heated racial tensions between a black neighborhood and an Italian family that owns a local pizzeria. The film has a mostly African American cast, Including Samuel L. Jackson and Martin Laurence, and is written by Spike Lee, whom is also black. So, this film contains heavy use of African American English, from the protagonists to the more ancillary characters. The film was a critical success, is considered one of the most impactful movies of the 80s, and is still considered to be Spike Lee’s most compelling work by most. Similar to Atlanta, the uses of the African American English dialect didn’t prohibit viewers from understanding the dialog or off put them from the deeper messages of the film. However, while Do the Right Thing was a considered a commercial success at the box office, it would take a couple more decades before films with African American English would begin to lead the box office.

            In 2015, the N.W.A. biopic, Straight Outta Compton was released to critical and commercial success. The film told the ups and downs of Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, DJ Yella, MC Ren, and Eazy-E, otherwise known as the hip hop group, N.W.A., and the controversies that came with their massive success.  The film heavily used African American English in line with how it was used in the late 80s and early 90s. It made $ 157 million domestically at the box office, over three times it’s $50 million budget, and made over $200 million worldwide. It is not only the highest grossing film by a black director, F. Gary Gray, in the United States, but also the highest grossing music biopic of all time, beating Walk the Line. So, with Do the Right Thing, African American English was proven to not be a hindrance to critical acclaim, and with Straight Outta Compton, African American English was proven to not be a hindrance to financial success and mainstem appeal.

            Now, if you’ve notice, there is a trend with the last two features mentioned. Both Do the Right Thing and Straight Outta Compton are heavily tied into the culture of hip hop music. In Spike Lee’s film, one of the most important characters, Radio Raheem, carries a radio that blares loud hip hop music with him in most scenes. In addition, aspects of hip hop culture, such as radio DJs and stylized brass knuckles, are found in the film. In Compton, the very subject matter of the movie is based around hip hop. N.W.A. is one of, if not the, most influential hip hop group of all time, and their influence can be seen not just in their genre of music, but throughout all of pop culture. Even if one is not a fan of rap music, the names Dr. Dre, Ice Cube, and maybe even Eazy-E are familiar to any consumer of popular culture. In fact, the show Atlanta also has a lot of influence from hip hop culture. The main character acts as an agent for his relative, Paper Boi, who is an up-incoming rap artist. All of these have heavy influence from the musical genre of hip hop, and it is the rise of hip hop over the last few decades that may be responsible for the widespread adoption and acceptance of African American English in mainstream pop culture.

            African American English has historically been much more common in music rather than in other non-literary art forms. Some of the earliest examples of African American English in music can be found in blues, R&B, jazz, and spirituals near the beginning of the 20th century, like with W.C. Handy’s 1914 song, “Saint Louis Blues”. In the song, Handy writes “Cause my baby, he done left this town,”, which uses “done” to indicate the recent past. Another great example would be Nina Simone in 1967’s “It Be’s That Way Sometime”, which uses the habitual be and drops constants like s at the end of adverbs. But going back specifically to hip hop, the uses of African American English are rampant.

            In 1979, The Sugarhill Gang released the first commercially successful hip hop song, “Rapper’s Delight”, and it is considered to be the song that introduced the genre to the United States as a whole. In the song, one of the members says “At the age of seven I was rocking in heaven dontcha know I went off.” This phrase contains a combination of don’t and ya, similar to how the scene from Atlanta contained a combination of talking and about. Also, later in 1983, Grandmaster Flash and The Furious Five released the song, “New York, New York”, which is considered one of the first rap songs to use “nigga” as a term of address. This trend would be a staple of rap and hip hop for the rest of its existence, especially once N.W.A, or Niggaz Wit Attitudes, rose in popularity later that decade. In addition to these grammatical qualities, hip hop has also created and spread lexical items that are now specific to African American English. For example, in the Kanye West and Jay-Z song, “Otis”, Jay raps “the big face rollie, I got two of those”, where the term rollie is a slang term for a Rolex watch. In the Kendrick Lamar song, “Mamma”, he writes “Tossin' footballs with his ashy black ankles,” where ashy here means dry skin. Also, law enforcement has been given many nicknames in hip hop, such as 5-0, po-po, and twelve.

            Now, as rap music has continued to change and popularize African American English, it has also grown into the current largest musical genre. According to Neilson Music, R&B/hip hop is now responsible for 25.1% of all music consumption, beating out rock for the first time since Nelson began measuring music. And hip hop didn’t get this big by itself, as many of hip hop’s most prominent artists have collaborated with those outside of the genre. In 1985, Run DMC released a cover of Aerosmith’s “Walk This Way”, with Steven Tyler and joe Perry as guest vocals. Jay-Z worked with Linkin Park on their 2004 joint album, Collision Course, including their hit song, “Numb/Encore”. Kendrick Lamar worked with Taylor Swift for her hit song “Bad Blood” in 2015, and earlier this year, Katy Perry featured the popular Atlanta rap group, Migos, in her song “Bon Appétit.” This has led to everyone in America being a fan of at least one song from the genre, with even our former president, Barak Obama, showing his love for rap artists like Kendrick Lamar and Chance the Rapper.

            All of this evidence shows that hip hop is quickly consuming all of popular culture, and with the rise of hip hop comes the rise of the culture that the genre was born from. That leads to dances made popular in rap songs, like the Dab, being done by even Ellen DeGeneres. This has led to rappers being popular enough to cast in multi-million-dollar motion pictures, such as Ludacris being cast in the Fast and Furious movies and Donald Glover being cast in Spider-Man Homecoming and Star Wars. And this has also lead to African American English being exposed to more Americans than ever before. While everyone in the country might not speak African American English, everyone now either has a friend who speaks it, or consumes media in which its use is very common. African American English is no longer commonly used to paint characters as a negative stereotype. African American English is now being used by black storytellers and artists to more accurately portray their experiences and to bring viewers and listeners in their own perspectives.

            Atlanta is able to be as successful as it is because the environment in which it was release has changed dramatically. No longer does a black sitcom have to deemphasize race to reach massive critical and commercial success. No longer does the use of grammar and lexical terms from African American English have to mean a show won’t reach the widest audience or win any major critical awards. Thanks primarily to the rise of hip hop in mainstream culture, shows like Atlanta are allowed to thrive, and it is to that genre that most of these shows are in debt.

            However, with the use of African American English being more widespread than ever, this has led to some non-whites using the dialect. In hip hop, it is commonly done to show “street cred” or to fit in with other rappers. But in some cases, specifically with the use of nigga as a term of address, much criticism has been given to those who attempt to use the dialect without being black themselves. However, if hip hop continues to grow in popularity, then everyone will have to deal with some big changes either way. We’ll all either change to align ourselves within the previously set rules of African American English, or we will simply change those rules according to how the dialect is used in the future. And only time will tell if we’ll still be using the same dialect we are discussing today.

[dapperfvck-arc]

Uncommon Questions. 1-12

What position does your character sleep in? ( i.e; stomach, side, back, etc. ) Describe why they do this — optional.

John doesn’t sleep, he passes out from exhaustion. Seriously tho, usually on his back.

Does your character have any noteworthy features? Freckles? Dimples? A scar somewhere unusual? etc.

Honestly, though boring, I would have to say his eyes. Their shade, brightness, and intensity are very arresting. Since I have space to talk about John and unique characteristics in another question, I’ll save it for then.

Does your character have an accent? What does it sound like?

John is English, therefore he has an British accent. However, it is a very specific regional accent. John was born and raised in Liverpool until he moved to London at the age of seventeen. His vowels tend to be noticeably rounder while at the same time he tends to “eat words” for lack of a better well to put it. I do have a carefully selected voice claim in Jason Stathem (if you don’t know his name offhand, you prolly know him anyway. He’s in most of Guy Richie’s London gangster movies, but more notably in a bunch of action movies, Transporter, Crank, and some of the Fast and Furious films).

Do they have any verbal tics? Do they have trouble pronouncing certain words or getting their thoughts across clearly?

No, though his accent might make it sound like it because he can come off as somewhat marble-mouthed.

What are their chief tension areas?

Shoulders and he’s prone to sore throats.

If you were to pick one song — and only one song — to describe your character, what would it be and why?

Oh man. Shit. I’m thinking. Probably Up Jumped the Devil by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. 

How does your character perceive themselves? Positive? Negative? Neutral?

Neutral to negative, honestly. He’s not a fan of himself, but I mean, he’s obviously got a lot of self-confidence, too. So it’s a weird balance. The mix of arrogance and self loathing.

Are they a quick thinker or do they need time to sort through their thoughts?

Quick thinker. Always. John is brilliant on his feet. He only needs to sort out the really big problems.

Does your character dream or are their nights filled with an empty blackness? 

He has horrific nightmares. Part of the reason he doesn’t care much for sleeping.

Describe a dream they’ve had or a night they couldn’t sleep and what they did to preoccupy their time.

Most of his dreams run the same kind of course, either vaguely prophetic, NEWCASTLE! ASTRA! NORFULTHING!, or The First of the Fallen killing friends and loved ones again. Oh yeah, and probably Cheryl being tormented in Hell. That’s probably a fun one. I would also argue that that stupid fucking storyline that Millligan wrote about John’s demonic other half (which, never mind shouldn’t have even been a thing since he retconned Nergal’s blood back into him but lololol what’s continuity?) attempting to rape Gemma and she believes he was actually him reads like one of John’s worst nightmares. But ANYWAY. Let’s not go down that road before I start screaming hysterically about how Peter Milligan single handedly unravelled all of Andy Diggle’s sublime character development and building of John, who had written immediately previous to Milligan. As for what John does when he can’t sleep and isn’t working, he goes to pub, and I do think to some degree, he uses sex as something to exhaust his body and mind enough for maaayyybe dreamless or at least sleep with unmemorable dreams.

If they had a choice, would they prefer a subway or a bus for public transportation?

Neither. He’d walk or take a taxi. He doesn’t really care much of public transport. 

What do they think of creation? Do they believe in evolution or do they believe in God? What is their religion like?

Hooooo boy. So, one of the best scenes in the Constantine film is the conversation between John and Gabriel and at one point they question John’s faith and of course John is like wtf are you talking about, of course I believe, and they’re like there’s a difference between believing because you know it’s true and having faith, and that’s the perfect way to describe John’s relationship with religion and the divine. He believes in everything. All religions. All deities. Most mythical spirits/creatures/figures but he doesn’t have faith in any of them. Basically he’s an agnostic that knows the score. He believes, however, in evolution and largely believes Biblical creation is from the imagination of man. At his strangest (or highest), John might concede to the possibility of evolution being a part of intelligent design.

Describe 5 unusual characteristics your muse has.

Ok, as mentioned way back in the second question, I have a much more complex answer for this. John is, by and large, considered a bit of an every man. A blue collar mage. Yes, he’s considered quite handsome, but I’d posit even that supports the every man image. I have seen so many different fan casts for John. Paul Bettany, Daniel Craig, Jude Law, Ewan McGregor, Joe Gilgun (which is hysterical), even Gordon fucking Ramsay (I know he’s not an actor, but shit it’s funny to think about), just to name a few off the top of my head. John’s appearance was legitimately based on a musician/actor in his inception for Swamp Thing. The point is, you could conceivably cast just about any attractive blonde haired, blue eyed (preferably English, but I’ve seen James Marsters fancast as John, too, who’s an American actor that’s made a career of playing an Englishman, or in the case of in Torchwood, an alien with an English accent. So I mean, as long as they can pull a proper accent right?) actor and it would probably work out fine. This is also why I argue the choice of Keanu for the film might have been more deliberate than mere popularity at the time. But I’m already going on too long on this question. So yeah he has a few distinguishing characteristics, intense eyes, a scar over one of those eyes, and I have my whole scarification head canon, and a tattoo on his ass, but there’s nothing really unusual about him. John is meant to blend into a crowd, and while he might have a pleasant face, it’s ultimately forgettable unless he’s doing something unusual. Of course you’re going to remember the man who exorcised a demon from you, but you might not have remembered that same guy if you saw him on queue for a cup of coffee in a local cafe. 

[fanfictionreviews-blog1]

Fan Fiction Review - Dan Howell x Reader ~ It Doesn’t Have A Title What  A Great Way To Start This Off ~

Before I start this off I’d like to issue a disclaimer:

If you wrote this fanfiction, or you know who did or whatever, I don’t hate you, and this isn’t made to bully people who write fanfiction, I’m just having some fun, you know? Don’t get butt hurt, essentially. Also, I’m no grammar-Stephan Hawking, so don’t be surprised if I make a few mistakes myself, I am human after all, but as I say - this is just for fun.

This fanfiction can be found here.

Right then, let’s get started. *Purposely avoids making a Keemstar joke.*

~Analysis:

I walk around he cold streets of London. I am wearing my leather jacket a llama shirt and skinny jeans. I walk down the streets listening to alphabet boy.

So we’re four words in and we can already see that this author evidently doesn’t proof-read their work. Also, just in case you didn’t pick it up, they’re walking down the streets, alright?

I mumble the song. “My alphabet boy..Alphabet boy..” I then walk into a anime store where I see a tall man looking at the death note things.

Aside from the speech, every sentence has started with ‘I’. How captivating. We can also see that the author doesn’t like to capitalize names, apart from one occasion, but that was almost definitely due to the two full-stops placed directly before the letter A. That’s another thing. An ellipsis has three full stops in it, like this:

...

No more, no less. Three. So when you use two, it just looks like you had a second long stroke when you were pressing the period key and only managed two full stops before passing out.

~~~~ This means I skipped a paragraph or two by the way. 

I saw him on a book. The Amazing book is not on fire. I looked at one page of the book. (And only one.) His name is Daniel. He likes the color black and also llamas are his animal of choice.

Back at it again with the lack of capitalization! Is that a stale meme yet? Anyway, on this occasion, we got the first word of the sentence AND the next word capitalized in ‘The Amazing book is not on fire’. This is, truly, random capitalization. Author, do you know what sentence variation is? Please use it, because, correct me if I'm wrong but, I haven’t seen one comma so far.

~~~~

“Yeah me and my best friend are sorta like the people who made ‘PROTIP’ and ‘don’t cry.. Craft’ I’m the comments on every YouTube video..” He laughed.

 So they’re ‘sorta like’ the people who made ‘PROTIP’ and ‘don’t cry... Craft.’ Some say that Pyrocynical is ‘sorta like’ leafyishere. See what I mean?

It seems to be a reoccurring theme in Dan Howell fanfictions to often refer to Phil as his ‘best friend’ and not just Phil and vice versa... Why? And I’m pretty sure Dan isn’t the comments on every YouTube video, as he probably would have killed himself by now.

“So that’s why ok pewdiepies beard video people commented PROTIP.. Thank god you told me! I was worried a tip was taking over the world!” (Woah you’re so funny.) I say in a sarcastic voice. “to be honest it sorta has” he puts down something he picked up.

Guys, today we don’t even get capital letters at the beginning of a sentence. 

Thanks for more evidence to support the fact that you don’t proof-read your work.

You know, the rule ‘new speaker, new line’ is a very useful one, as it allows the reader to distinguish which character is talking without having to read the passage seventeen times, but it is also a rule that many fanfiction writers don’t use. Shame. 

“Want to go get some coffee or something?” He asked. “If not I can give-” I cut him off. “Sure we can get some coffee. Do you want to buy anything first?” I asked him. He nodded and grabbed a L plush. I went with him when he got it and we walked out together.

I don’t know Dan aside from watching a few of his videos, but I’m pretty sure if he just met a fan, he wouldn’t ask them on a date straight away. Have you ever seen Evan Edinger’s video on dating a YouTuber with Ash Hardell? Watch it. 

Grammar lesson time! When addressing an object that begins with a vowel, (in this case, the name ‘L’.)  you would USUALLY use ‘an’ instead of ‘a’, if you don’t it just kind of sounds bad.

As we walked down the side walk we talked about movies, songs, bands.. At coffee we honestly most likely won’t have anything to talk about.

I had to include this because, guys, WE GOT OUR FIRST FUCKING COMMA. Hell yeah, it’s not like we’re halfway through the narrative or anything! They don’t even use the commas in a correct way to form a list, like you’re meant to have ‘and’ before the last item in the list.

Who refers to a coffee shop/cafe as just ‘coffee’? Actually, that whole sentence sounds like a seven-year-old wrote it - I think it’s descriptive enough to use one adverb. Look:

‘we honestly most likely won’t have anything to talk about.’

Or

‘we honestly won’t have anything to talk about.’

Which sounds better? I think the only time you would use more than one adverb in this particular context would be to add emphasis, but there is no evidence in this passage to suggest that that’s what the author was trying to do.

We walk into scooter (no Starbucks) and get our drinks. (Damn you’re so original and unique, yeah, Starbucks is for trashy white girls and basic bitches.) Once we sit down Dan puts his phone on the table. “Wanna like.. Swap numbers?” He asked in a shy tone. “Yeah! Sure.” I handed him my phone and he handed me his. I went to the contacts and added a new one. I put my number and the name as ‘weird anime girl’ (weeaboo) and handed it back in him.

What, you just put his phone in his mouth or something? At least I hope that’s what you meant by ‘in him’. God, I’ve got no one to blame but myself for that one.

The fact that you felt the need to clarify that you’re not going to Starbucks made me laugh and cringe at the same time. Thanks.

This would be the perfect moment for a crazy-stalker-fangirl to steal Dan’s phone and make a run for it, so I think the chances of this happening in real life is slim to none. Sorry guys.

~~~~

A bunch of basic white girls look at us like we are crazy. (Most likely cause we are) and we but out lip trying not to laugh.

I’m full on fucking cringing now.

Damn, those pesky basic white girls we so much better than them because we’re crazy!

I guess the basic white girls found your even-more-hipster coffee shop, better go to the strange man in the dark alleyway who sells ‘human poop’ coffee beans, I’m sure they won’t find you there.

What the hell does ‘but out lip’ mean? I honestly don’t know what they were trying to say either. I have no fucking idea.

~~~~ Dan invites Reader to go to Dan’s flat. Reader accepts the invite.

I looked at Dan again. (Why did we just switch tenses?) His eyes where (ugh) on phils computer. Looking at what Phil was scrolling though. I bit my lip. Not on purpose I just.. Did it.

I was thinking about what I could compliment about this fanfiction, and I thought that I should mention the author’s ability to stay in the same tense. But no, you blew it. Sorry.

This is where Reader gets really dreamy about Dan, by the way.

Dans perfect his hair.. (Makes perfect sense.) His eyes. His eyes are not even blue they are just so beautiful. His everything. Then his personality. It’s perfect. It’s a mix of so many wonderful things. He is just so..

Great.

Perfect.

I can relate to him too.

I feel in love at first site.

Oh, fuck, just that last line with the janky English and the wrong use of ‘site.’ That’s it, this can’t get any worse from now on. 

No, it can. It definitely can.

When I read this, all I can hear is James Veitch reading it to me, like he does with the scam emails and the broken English. If you have no idea what I am talking about, click here.

There’s a three years time skip into the future from now on by the way.

Mentally prepare yourself for this next part. 

I think. That’s how I met my boyfriend. “You know.. I feel in love with you at first sight.” I turned over to him. “I did too. And that’s why” he got down on a knee and took something out.

“Will you merry me?” He asked opening the box up to showed a wonderful ring. “Y-yes!” I managed to say and he stood up and kissed me. I kissed him back.

I can’t believe it.

WILL YOU MERRY ME? FUCK. The ‘a’ key isn’t really near the ‘e’ key on a keyboard so I have no idea how you fucked that one up. 

The sentence ‘I feel in love with you at first sight.’ makes you sound like English isn’t your mother tongue. And to be honest, it’s fucking hilarious.

That’s the end of it by the way.

~Conclusion:

That was painful.

I'll give credit when it’s due, at least this isn’t the Hat Fic. Who the fuck actually wrote that anyway?  

Right.

I suppose it wasn’t the worst, but it was also nowhere near the best. Author, you still need to make some improvements. I give this one shot three Casey Neistat Okay-Hand-Signals out of ten.

On a serious note, I think it’s definitely worth proof-reading, as when you make grammar mistakes it just makes your work look half-arsed.

Try not to use scenarios that wouldn’t happen in real life, otherwise, you might just become the early Review Movie World of fanfiction. (Can you tell I watch Pyro?) I suppose this includes writing about dating and sex if you’ve never dated or had sex before because that can definitely lead to some inaccurate scenes. Not all sex is like porn, horny fourteen-year-olds.

Thanks for reading guys, do feel free to leave me some constructive criticism. (That’s not gonna fucking happen, is it?) 

One like = One kid who identifies as an attack helicopter, sent straight to your door.

And yeah, I’ll see you in the next review!

-Pluto