#frwl diary

[fromrusholmewithlove]

Had my house broken into two weeks ago while I was asleep. Laptop, wallet and ID all stolen. Lots of work, personal files, photos and memories just gone. Even the memes which had memories attached to them is affacting me

It's the last thing I needed right now

[fromrusholmewithlove]

im out of energy. i ran out over a year ago and ive been running on fumes. now the engine's cut out and it's only rolling momentum keeping me going as i drive off the cliff

[fromrusholmewithlove]

YESSSS got full marks on my test!!!!

[fromrusholmewithlove]

My laptop has stopped charging, is falling to pieces and I have no money nor willpower to do anything.

[fromrusholmewithlove]

had something to eat so I'm feeling less like I'm falling into a catatonic depression. but only a little less

[fromrusholmewithlove]

is there any hope? i dont feel any

i dont feel much of anything anymore

[fromrusholmewithlove]

It's my 12 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I don't think there's anything quite as soul destroying as being on the dole, looking for jobs you know you could do and would love but because you did the wrong subjects for A-levels, to do a degree you ultimately dropped out of, you can't. Or even just looking at jobs you'd tolerate but don't have "the right experience" and there's no way for you to get that experience because you're in your 30s.

[fromrusholmewithlove]

Bit of a personal post

One of the problems I've had for some time now, since my breakdown in 2018 and made worse by the pandemic, is not being able to properly gauge the passage of time. A recurring theme in my Read More's is that I wake up and 3 months have passed and I've not done anything with them. It's one of the reasons I keep meaning to keep a diary, so I don't lose things in the fog and forget my life, but I can never commit to it. I have a lot of diaries in my house that are mostly blank.

However, I do have a lot of personal text posts that I've written over the years I've had this blog. Inspired by a post about being someone's oldest tumblr mutual, I decided to go through my tags and retag the posts that were like a diary to me.

Going through them has brought back memories, painful and joyful, reminded me of things I'd forgotten, but most of all it's given me a sense of lucidity I haven't had in a long time. I can start order events in my memory again, I understand again the years that have gone by.

Remembering some of the dark places I've been in and the regrets I've had has been a hard day but I also remember the good times I've had, on Tumblr and IRL and that's brought a wave of nostalgia and contentment. I don't deal with nostalgia well but it's been nice going through some of those old interactions with people.

It was sad to see all those usernames I knew and loved that are no longer online or who I never kept in contact with. I'm terrible with establishing and maintaining interactions like that, I wish I was a person who did talk to my mutuals and my followers more.

I'm a naturally awkward person, I always think that people wouldn't want me to talk to them but I'd like to break that shell again and have fun again. I'm also going to make a few more in depth posts every now and again to keep track of my life so in another 10 years I have something to look back at and remind me what I was like during this episode.

And if we have been mutuals for a while, say Hi. I'm terrible at responding but I always appreciate and cherish it

[fromrusholmewithlove]

The GP I had for 6 years and treated me for my depression has been exposed as a fucking nonce. Struck off the medical register for downloading CSA content. I feel absolutely sick. I feel stupid because I actually trusted him and thought he was a good doctor. My skin's crawling

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I no longer believe a better world is possible. We are drowning in blood and fire and all people care for is their own chance to perpetrate cruelty. Now really is the time of monsters but a new world will never be born.

The only thing I feel is despair

[fromrusholmewithlove]

You can tell I'm unmedicated and functionally but deeply depressed again because I'm listen to Lana del Rey on repeat, like it's 2013 all over again

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I don't know where I am, when I am or who I am. All I know is I'm scared and want to cry

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I grew up knowing how bad it would be to an emotionally repressed man who didn't show his feelings and thinking I'm not going to do that. Now I'm in my early 30s and I've realised that for a long time I've been an emotionally repressed man who never shows his feelings. I think it's because if I started crying I'm not sure I'd ever be able to stop

[fromrusholmewithlove]

cunt of a rat just tried chewing through my back door so it’s going to die tomorrow

[fromrusholmewithlove]

 @gilbent replied to your post “Friendship ended with Venlafaxine Now Sertraline...”:

Sertraline gang

here we all are now, all the lads