#frwl diary

[fromrusholmewithlove]

So it turns out the ADHD referral I had over two years ago was rejected two years ago because they "didn't have enough information" (that they never asked for. So now, to get back on the the 2.5 year waiting list I have to fill out a new for where they ask for a lot more information.

I'm impressed at the fallacy of getting people who think they have a disorder in their attention and concentration to fill out forms by writing out detailed answers to non-specific, open questions. It took me months in therapy to begin to find ways to express and formulate my feelings about my depression into words. How the fuck am I supposed to this about my ADHD symptoms, which I've ignored my whole life, just on my own? This is a therapists job, it's why I want the referral in the first place!

[fromrusholmewithlove]

Bit of a personal post

One of the problems I've had for some time now, since my breakdown in 2018 and made worse by the pandemic, is not being able to properly gauge the passage of time. A recurring theme in my Read More's is that I wake up and 3 months have passed and I've not done anything with them. It's one of the reasons I keep meaning to keep a diary, so I don't lose things in the fog and forget my life, but I can never commit to it. I have a lot of diaries in my house that are mostly blank.

However, I do have a lot of personal text posts that I've written over the years I've had this blog. Inspired by a post about being someone's oldest tumblr mutual, I decided to go through my tags and retag the posts that were like a diary to me.

Going through them has brought back memories, painful and joyful, reminded me of things I'd forgotten, but most of all it's given me a sense of lucidity I haven't had in a long time. I can start order events in my memory again, I understand again the years that have gone by.

Remembering some of the dark places I've been in and the regrets I've had has been a hard day but I also remember the good times I've had, on Tumblr and IRL and that's brought a wave of nostalgia and contentment. I don't deal with nostalgia well but it's been nice going through some of those old interactions with people.

It was sad to see all those usernames I knew and loved that are no longer online or who I never kept in contact with. I'm terrible with establishing and maintaining interactions like that, I wish I was a person who did talk to my mutuals and my followers more.

I'm a naturally awkward person, I always think that people wouldn't want me to talk to them but I'd like to break that shell again and have fun again. I'm also going to make a few more in depth posts every now and again to keep track of my life so in another 10 years I have something to look back at and remind me what I was like during this episode.

And if we have been mutuals for a while, say Hi. I'm terrible at responding but I always appreciate and cherish it

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I don't know where I am, when I am or who I am. All I know is I'm scared and want to cry

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I slept in late and missed the coronation (nothing to do with the fact I stayed up late drinking last night deliberately)

I did see the clip of the archbishop trying not to give charlie a hangman’s fracture was amusing but a load of boring shite otherwise

[fromrusholmewithlove]

Would it be alright to ask how its been off sertraline? I've found it gives me vivid nightmares

Of course! I will be honest, my memories of the last year are not very complete due to stress but I'll do my best.

Vivid dreams are a side effect of any antidepressant but mine weren't as bad on Sertraline as they have been with other medications, in particular Venlafaxine/Effexor. With that I was having very intense dreams that would leave me tired and anxious when I woke up. On Citalopram I'd also get dreams that weren't as vivid or realistic as Venlafaxine but were more psychological - I would dream that my Dad was still alive which was confusing and painful when I woke up

My experience of Sertraline isn't the best to get and idea of it's effectiveness: I wasn't on a very high dose but I felt like it was slowing me down and not doing anything for my anxiety. In fact, when I went unmedicated for 6 weeks I didn't feel too much of difference; I did stop having the dreams. I'm now on Escitalopram which does give me slightly more vivid dreams but nowhere near the likes of other medication,

My advice is to talk to your doctor and try something else. The nightmares can make you feel a lot worse which negates the point of taking the medication. Everyone reacts differently to meds and so you do need to test a few until you find one that's suitable; one whose side-effects are manageable and helps you overall.

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I've been off Sertraline for 4 weeks now and this longest I've been unmedicated since 2014.

Honestly I feel better than I did on Sertraline; today I cooked twice, washed, did 6 hours of work (don't tell my work, I'm gonna still put 8 on my timesheet), hoovered and cycled to the shops. For the last two years I'd be lucky if I did all that in a single month.

I had really high hopes for Venlafaxine but I felt drawn out and had a lot of nightmares on that and Sertraline basically removed all energy and motivation.

I don't know what path I should take from here. I have a lot of energy at the moment and I'm bouncing all over the place but I know this could lead to burnout again quite quickly. Ideally I'd like to see the ADHD service but It's been 18 months since I was referred and I've heard jack shit from them

[fromrusholmewithlove]

Friendship ended with Venlafaxine

Now Sertraline is my best friend

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I need to get off this fucking island

[fromrusholmewithlove]

 @gilbent replied to your post “Friendship ended with Venlafaxine Now Sertraline...”:

Sertraline gang

here we all are now, all the lads

[fromrusholmewithlove]

Someone tell me to get my venlafaxine from the chemist so i don't have another night of fucked up dreams and I can remember things again

[fromrusholmewithlove]

@junk-disorderly replied to your post “Friendship ended with Venlafaxine Now Sertraline...”:

Hope you avoid any side effects! Sertraline has been great for me but the first month was not fun

​That gives me some hope, I've been on so many antidepressants now. At least I'm used to the side effects

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I'm binging It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and I was laughing so much my mum phoned me to ask what was going on

I mean, her exact words were "it's nice to hear you laugh again"...

[fromrusholmewithlove]

The illness is winning again

[fromrusholmewithlove]

i just need someone to take care of me

[fromrusholmewithlove]

I don't use the tumblr app on my phone, I use the mobile web browser version on firefox and sometimes the buttons glitch like this

Why has tumblr replaced the edit audience button and the little animation when you like a post with this random blog's icon???? I don't think I even follow this person

[fromrusholmewithlove]

im out of energy. i ran out over a year ago and ive been running on fumes. now the engine's cut out and it's only rolling momentum keeping me going as i drive off the cliff