#from my brand new totes original series

[loll3]

✶ look how beautiful is my brand new tote bag from @redbubble 🐸🌿 🌙✨

👉🏻 you will find this and other magical items with my art on my redbubble shop 🌻

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Black Toad ~ original ink illustration from the series "Familiar Spirits" ©Lolle (2018) 🌚🖤

[videoplanchette]

TLDR: This is a marketing tool to sell dolls

So, I finished the live-action Monster High Movie last night.

It was fine. Like everything it has its pros and cons which I will be covering.

And I don't know why this is the camel that's breaking my straws or whatever the hell-- but if I see one more hyperbolic clickbaity thumbnail or post describing why this is somehow the "worst" movie people have ever seen, I think I'm going be arrested. I've binged all of the monster high shorts, and 3D animated movies, and my brain is complete goddamn mush at this point. The live-action movie isn't even the worst thing associated with the monster high brand. Like to the veteran fans who have been here and are saying that this series used to be "better"-- What crack are you smoking, just curious? Like this series has been straight-up nonsense at points because it's meant to sell toys first and foremost. I want to highlight the whole nostalgia goggles we tend to wear and tell you what it actually is. It's bias. just call it what it is, it's bias.

There are a few different reasons why this claim of Gen3 or the live-action movie, in general, being toted as "the worst thing ever" gets under my skin. I'll be trying to engage with this movie as well as most of the marketing choices with this new line of dolls in good faith. Versus assuming every misstep or mistake is somehow an attack. During this long tangent of a post, I want everyone to repeat to themselves "this is a show meant to sell toys to children; I will not send death threats over this."

To immediately get this out of the way, if you're mad because they made Frankie Stein Nonbinary/Trans, or if they made Draculaura chubby? I'm sorry but you are beyond even my help-- get well soon.

I mostly want to address the criticism of the changed art style, personalities, dynamics, and interests of the characters themselves. I guess why this is exhausting for me because as a long-time fan of other franchises which has canon routinely altered to adhere to trends or the whim of new writers, this happens a lot.

A

Lot

Actually

Don't even get me started on Scooby Doo.

And I've seen this trend of trying to pigeonhole each new reboot of a beloved franchise as either the "best" or "worst" thing ever. And sure enough, when a good thing like Rottmnt is there, it's canceled before anyone actually realized it was worth a second look, even though the animation and voice cast was always on point. Or in Voltron's case, while met with initial praise, it tried to please everybody, while pleasing nobody. Nobody likes change, I get it.

Personally, I wish we had fewer reboots and more of an emphasis on original projects these days, but then how would we buy dolls?

Speaking of the Monster High Dolls. One thing I find hilariously hypocritical about people criticizing the changes made to the characters complaining about "coherency" and the like-- You folks do remember that this series was made specifically to adapt horror icons from the famed Universal Monster library and Gothic Literature characters into teenagers who attend school, make out with each other and wear gaudy clothes? Like again you guys are watching a derivative of a derivative! Like Monster High is a high school AU of HG Wells, Mary Shelley, Robert Louis Stevenson, Bram Stoker, and GREEK MYTH!

I can understand the reservations to like the reboot, but I can guarantee you it's a more faithful adaptation than Winx: Fate or River Dale. It doesn't even scratch the batshit wildness that either of those series tried to pull. It's not entertainingly bad. The movie is genuinely decent. All the actors look like they wanted to be there and they all deliver their performances (especially Frankie's) with energy and charm.

Yes, the effects, costumes, and make-up are cheap, but I'd rather have cheap makeup done by unionized compensated workers with ambition than CGI everything. If anything it reminds me of my favorite made for TV Halloween movies from my childhood, like Scary Godmother or Halloweentown.

I guess what I'm trying to say, for a commercial to sell me a new line of dolls, it could have been a lot worse.

[theteapotofdoom]

I honestly relate to that feeling too ngl: bnha/shigaraki/shigadabi/DFO feels a bit like my "brand" too at this point, and I sometimes feel pressured to make stuff for it even if I'm not vibing it at that moment. I know its silly as its my blog, my art, and I am totes allowed to do whatever I feel like, but still.....OTL

I still very much love bnha and Shig, and want to see how the series ends, but sometimes I just like...need something else to focus on, kinda?

(There is a bit of a difference with this between us tho; as I'm strictly one fandom at a time person for some random ass reason, when I start not vibing with doing fanart/writing atm, I end up doing lot of oc & og story stuff instead, like I've been doing recently. I just can't get into multifandom headspace?? My brain is Ride or Die With This One Thing until I grow disinterested enough to pick up something new lmao)

So yeah, you def aren't alone with that feeling tea, don't worry! Also hi hello, nice to hear from my favorite teapot again! C;

Yeah I get that! I’ve always been so impressed by how productive you are in the Shigaraki/MHA fandom, so I completely understand that it can be a lot sometimes! You have so many great fics and AU going on, and you make so much art for all of it!

So obviously it’s more than understandable that you would feel a little burn out sometimes! But it’s cool that you can shift your focus on your OCs and your original content (something that I personally tend to struggle with!)

It’s good to know that a lot of us share similar experiences in this fandom! And thank you, it’s good to be back :D I apologize because over the past year I feel like kept switching between being completely absent for months and suddenly coming back to spam content and then disappearing again. I really want to try to be more consistent in the future.

[sleeplessandstubborn]

Emily in Paris episode 4, or how I never got that thing about peanut butter

It's been a long time since I had revisited Miss Cooper's adventures in Paris, and many of you are over it anyway, but I was asked to go on with this so, why not? For that I had to rewatch again episode 4 and be reminded of one of its better characters/reasons to watch/whatever you want to call her. Camille. Oh I love Camille. Just like I love Sylvie. It's harsh, when in a series your least favourite character is the main one. Isn't it? but let's take a look to episode 4.

At the beginning of this episode we find our heroine trying to communicate with a very mysantropic flower seller. As we discover few minutes later, it's not that she's hostile with Emily and wants to give her a bouquet of wilting roses because she's a bubbly American but because she hates humanity. This last part is relatable but it's not good to have a job when you have to confront it constantly. Calm down Madame.

Fortunately a young, gentle Frenchwoman shows up and comes to Emily's rescue, not in a shining armour but with a smile the size of Jupiter. Evil flower seller is defeated and Emily walks away with this charming stranger and a perfect rose bouquet. Our new character's name is Camille, and she speaks good English because she watched a lot of series in her childhood. That's why we Spaniards are legendary bad at speaking other languages I guess. Everything is dubbed! Including this episode when I rewatched it. Not a copy in the original language available right now for me. Disappointing, I know.

Camille also invites Emily to the art gallery where she works at and where a famous hotelier is supposed to show up, along with other people from Chicago. Emily is a fan - its a bit weird to be fan of a hotelier, but who am I to judge - , definitely, and wants to meet him. It's also a good professional occasion, probably. The two girls part ways after accidentaly kissing on the mouth. Emily apologizes. Camille is not sorry at all and disappears from scene, big shining smile and all. We agree and are not sorry at all.

Back at home she finds the packages she was expecting from home have finally arrived. Gabriel helps up to take all that stuff inside her apartment. Unfortunately for her, the peanut butter exploded and has made a mess of what looks like a pile of magazines and the framed photo with her ex. Gabriel makes that unmistakable face. Peanut butter? Yours truly, having spent her childhood and teenagehood watching movies and series from the other side of the Atlantic, always wondered what was that thing. When finally tried it it was... so weird. Maybe it was the brand, maybe it was the concept. Who really knows. Whatever, let's go on.

(Yes, he makes that face, the face of a puzzled European I meant).

Also, I am sure Emily can find that thing in Paris, too. I live in a not very big town in Southern Spain and that thing can be found in our supermarkets. So why not in Paris? Big question that the series doesn't answer, tho, because Gabriel proceeds to ruin peanut butter forever with a simple omelette. Well done, Gabriel. But it's time to go to the office, isn't it?

So here we are, with Antoine and Sylvie clearly in the middle of an argument. While claiming she hopes she's not interrupting, Emily does interrupt the scene. Remember that thing from the last chapter when she claimed she had given up in her quest of being universally liked and/or being friends with everyone including her boss? Yeah, nevermind, that's in the past, it no longer matters. Emily tries to mediate and says Randy Zimmer (that's the hotelier's name) is overjoyed to hear Antoine's company is creating an exclusive scent for his hotels.

Sylvie goes on with Emily's lie, even if we can see she's not happy and later states - while throwing the bouquet or roses she just gave her as a "happy Tuesday" present on her desk - that she doesn't need to be rescued, and she doesn't want to take credit for ideas she doesn't know if she really likes. Sylvie is always the voice of reason and adulthood here. She teases her about the lingerie thing, tho. Emily claims her new friend Gabriel gave it to her.

I don't know about Sylvie, but Luc and Julien clearly don't believe that last bit, as they say clearly to Emily over the lunch. This is a dysfunctional workplace, she complains. Hey, smart girl, you are causing all the drama, Julien answers. His mood during the entire scene is exasperated. They tell her how Antoine and Sylvie became lovers in the first place, and warn her not to come between them. I don't think Emily has that intention.

Later that same day, Mindy is full of chaotic energy. Who cares if Antoine is married and with an official misstress? Why is Emily so disperate about becoming friends with Sylvie - yeah, Mindy, why, many of us are questioning that part of Emily's behaviour - why don't just enjoy Antoine's attention? What's more, why doesn't Emily introduce her to Antoine, since she doesn't care about what's her name? Is Mindy shipping Emily and Camille? Yes, she's one of us.

Our favourite French girl is there and warmly welcomes Emily, introducing her to Randy Zimmer who, clearly, goes to the same hairdresser than Antoine. No, really, I have certain difficulties to make the difference between the two, if Randy was wearing a suit with a tie I couldn't tell. As Camille and her fabulous bun walk away, Emily behaves like a dork with Randy. She has memorized his interviews and all. Is a bit awkward, but who am I to judge about memorizing completely irrelevant things in interviews. Randy goes from feeling a bit awkward to intrigued to totes wanting her card and finding her proposition interesting. By the way I really liked these paintings.

Randy shows up the next day at Savoir, and after smelling fragances all they agree they could go on talking about the deal with Randy's hotel empire over a good dinner. Sylvie decides to put again our heroine in difficulties by asking for an impossible reservation. By the way, I love her outfit. Sylvie, not Emily's. As she tries to do her best, Emily confronts Antoine over the lingerie thing. She clearly says it's inappropriate which is a thing I can agree with, he says he bought it for her not for him (eeeeh... are you all right?)

Even in front of the restaurant Sylvie is esceptical Emily really succeeded in her mission of doing that reservation. As usual, she's right. Emily got the dates backwards and made a reservation for November, not August. It should have been easy to find that bit of information online, as most of the world follows another datation system. Fortunately Emily lights the Gabrielsignal on and he comes to her rescue again.

The dinner is, as expected, a success, since we are in the last minutes of the episode a.k.a. in the Emily is saved time. There's a deal, Antoine is very happy with Savoir AND Sylvie. Even the latter makes a compliment to our heroine as they leave after the dinner. Less enthusiast individuals would have felt overjoyed in her place, so it's not strange that Emily decides to thank Gabriel for saving her ass, even if it's with another part of her body, that's is, her lips. Gabriel doesn't seem to object to this.

But, oh surprise in this Paris that is like "a little town" (ok... series... I am rolling my eyes at you again) a she goes out of the restaurant she bumps into our dear Camille, all smiles and charm. It turns out that she is Gabriel girlfriend. Ouch. This could be solved with a civilized chat and our three characters, that, we are about to find in the next chapters, get along together, being happy with this situation and riding into the sunset while enjoying themselves. Yeah, the three of them. Writers, unfortunately, have decided otherwise. But that's another story and will be told in another post.

[andromeda-sapphire]

Witchy Then Vs. Now

I was SO inspired by the post by @hermeticimp​ regarding comparing the witchy things of our childhood to the witchy things we do now. I had to write a blog post about it!

Herbal Magic:

Then: I remember when I was a kid, maybe around age 5 or 7, I used to make rose water with my brother in the summertime. But not quite the way I would now! My mom had a few rose bushes in the front yard, and we would pick a bunch of roses and put them in a big bucket of water. Then, we’d roll up our pants and jump in the bucket (or for me, just jump in, as I was usually wearing dresses at that age) and start smashing the roses up with our bare feet! We called the rose water “magic perfume” and I remember wanting to keep some stored in a bottle but my mom always dumped it out when we were finished because playtime was over and it was dinnertime.

Now: I typically don’t even make rose water very often now, as I don’t usually have access to fresh rose petals. I love to use beauty products with rose water in them though, like Thayer’s brand alcohol-free witch hazel. Nowadays I usually use dried rose petals for spell bottles and for smoking herbal blends. My herbal witchcraft nowadays is mostly making tea blends, smoke blends, and of course as ingredients for spells. I’ve also made healing salves and oils with herbs over the years.

Crystal Magic:

Then: Inspired by my mother’s geological rock collection (she was a science teacher when I was a kid), I began collecting rocks when I was a young child, probably as young as 7. I have a lot of crystals that came from my mom’s collection, and as a kid, I remember taking out her rock collection boxes from the garage and placing them all over the living room so I could open them all up and look at the cool rocks inside. I remember reading about crystal healing in a book on home remedies that my mom gave me. I bookmarked so many pages in that book, most of them in the crystal healing section. I had one special crystal that I had found near my elementary school as a kid (but lost over time.. sad!) and I was convinced it was a magic crystal. I carried it with me all the time, I slept with it under my pillow, and I never completely knew what it was (maybe some kind of quartz?) but I felt that it enhanced my dreams and made them much more vivid.

Now: My crystal collection has multiplied... Significantly... (oops) I am definitely a crystal collector, and now I go out and find some of my own crystals as well. In fact, the huge chunk of serpentine in the image above is one that I found, and it’s roughly the size of my face! I love my crystals, and I make crystal grids as a part of my rituals and practice. Crystals are somehow always involved in my practice actually. I make wire wrap jewelry now with crystals also (check out Buffalo Wraps on Instagram) inspired by the healing properties of the crystals.

Astrology:

Then: When I was about 10, my grandma gave me this book. It was her original copy of Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs. It even has my grandmother’s signature on the inside cover. I was visiting my grandparents in New Zealand at the time, and didn’t have any other books with me for the trip that I can remember, so I spent my evenings in bed reading the section on How to Recognize a Libra. (I’m a Libra Sun, and that was all I knew about astrology at the time) As I finished the chapter on Libra, I was convinced there had to be something real to this tradition of the cosmos. So after returning to the USA, I began researching astrology in my free time, reading as many books and online resources as possible about the topic. I gave my friends and family birth chart readings, and was constantly examining my friends’ behaviors as a scientist examines their test subject.

Now: Well, now I’m trying to become a professional astrologer! It’s been my goal since my third year in University to become an astrologer, and I’ve been taking webinar courses since then from well-known astrologers and (again) reading as many books and online resources as possible. I now have shelves and shelves (almost a whole large tote full actually) of astrology books of all kinds that I’ve collected and read over the years, and it all started with my grandma’s little copy of Linda Goodman’s Sun Signs. Instead of only giving free birth chart readings to friends and family, now I offer paid readings of all types as well! I’ve learned so much over the last almost 15 years of studying this beautiful tradition! Astrology is also a huge part of my magic as well. I never cast a spell without first planning it for a specific planetary hour and day that aligns with the desired planetary energies. I’m constantly watching transits and studying how they affect us down here on Earth as well.

Astronomy:

Then: As a kid, maybe 3rd grade through middle school, I was super into outer space. I remember having those little glow in the dark stars all over my ceiling. My dad gave me a telescope for Christmas one year, and I remember him helping me to set it up a few times at night outside on the porch. I was always staring at the stars as a kid, looking at the moon and the constellations. I had (still have actually) a great little guide book on all of the constellations in the sky and the mythology behind them, and all kinds of cool info.

Now: Unfortunately, that telescope got very dusty over the years. It’s sitting in storage now, and I’m dying to bring it out and set it up again, but I need the space for it first! I still observe the sky and watch the stars and moon, but aside from my astrology practice and cosmic witchery, I don’t focus too much on space. I still watch documentaries on space and the planets etc. however! My magic actually heavily relies on my knowledge of both astronomy AND astrology.

Mythology/Fairy Tales:

Then: As a kid, I loved reading fiction and fantasy! I loved drawing dragons and unicorns, and reading about magical princesses and fairies. I wanted to live in a world of mythology so badly. I remember one of my favorite books at the time was Dealing With Dragons by Patricia C. Wrede. I think that book really got me excited about dragons and magic. I also have believed from a very young age, not sure where it originated from, that I am a witch, and have magic within me! I know one influence on that belief was a graphic novel series I used to read all the time growing up called W.I.T.C.H. - I related to one of the characters in that series, Irma, who had water magic abilities. I always felt a deep connection to water for some reason, and as a kid I believed I could control it to an extent. Later in elementary school, I remember learning about Greek mythology briefly, but didn’t get to learn much about it until later.

Now: I went through a bit of a phase a while ago where I thought I had to connect to a deity, or a pantheon. And I feel like I did have a few encounters with deities, but nothing that truly made me feel comfortable worshiping a deity. Don’t get me wrong, I love Greek mythology and religion, and I’ve actually taken a class at University on Greek mythology. Though I’m no expert, I feel pretty well-versed in my myths. They have a few good mythology documentary shows on Netflix that I enjoy as well. I guess because I come from a semi-Christian background though, I have a distaste for worshiping a “god” or “god-like” figure... So I don’t really worship any deities at the moment, but I do recognize the possibility of them existing, and I recognize them as archetypal figures. Same goes for other mythological beings, I don’t really work with them, but I recognize the potential for their existence in another plane.

Divination:

Then: When I was a kid, I had a little pendulum that I made out of blue lace agate and a chain. I used that for divination purposes, just asking yes or no questions. I didn’t know much else about divination though, aside from astrology, so I didn’t know what other directions there were for me to explore.

Now: I use a few different types of divination, and surprisingly, I rarely use my crystal pendulums! Besides astrology, my go-to divination method nowadays is tarot. I’ve learned to read tarot cards over the last few years after one of my college roommates gave me a rune reading and introduced me to tarot and other forms of divination. Now I have several tarot decks, oracle decks, and pendulums all stored in a beautiful box I call my “divination box.”

Anyway, that’s my Witchy Then Vs. Now! I really would like to see this pick up on Witchblr cuz it’s a fun challenge to make you reflect a little on how you’ve changed, or stayed the same!

Check out my Ko-Fi below to leave me a tip!

ko-fi.com/andromeda_sapphire

[foreheadtouch]

i don’t want your memory. (i want you here with me).

Why do you want to learn Russian? With that question I was suddenly transported to a cold, metal police interrogation room to confess for a crime I was most definitely guilty of committing. I was handcuffed and trapped. Exposed.

*3k words of pure angst* 

———

It was an eerily frigid January night—black and silent—like drifting out in the middle of space. People doing everything in their power to escape it. The wind chill burned against my cheeks and the freezing air seemed to shrink my lungs to the size of lemons. Each breath I drew was sharp and labored.

Inside Hobie’s apartment wasn’t much better. My blood felt hot and thick underneath my skin—the heat was turned up slightly too high, so as to make me sweat underneath the itchy sweater that I couldn’t take off, because then of course, I'd be cold again.

The sky was deep and dark and not a single star was visible. I felt that if I stared too long, its vastness would swallow me whole. Only the bright white headlights of whirring cars seeped through the window and bounced across the walls of my bedroom in a series of dizzying flashes.

I sat on my bed with a half empty bottle of vodka, feeling claustrophobic in an empty room.

The heat made me hyperaware of any nagging discomfort that would have otherwise gone unnoticed. Every itch and ache was pulled out of me, like a magnet with scraps of metal.

I tried readjusting the neckline of my wool sweater, but it would not stop scratching and clawing against my skin, almost choking me. Had it somehow gotten tighter during the day? Why couldn’t I breathe?

I was just drunk enough that my movements were sloppy and my fingertips felt slightly numb.

I looked over at my desk, where a brand new copy of Dostoevsky’s The Idiot was resting, the lamp shining directly on it, like an ironic spotlight, and I felt the walls close in on me.

I didn’t want to, but I thought back to the conversation I had that afternoon.

It happened in the campus bookstore. Dozens of hasty university students were furiously barreling through the narrow passageways between shelves filled with books like Guide to Financial Markets, Plato’s The Symposium, Multivariable Calculus Volume 1, Shakespeare’s King Lear.

How was your break? Did you get the classes you wanted? Oh, I’m actually working at this bank. Doing research in this laboratory.

Their obnoxiously eager attitudes and bright eyes bore a sharp contrast to my own. I couldn’t remember the last night I had gone to bed sober. My eyes were sunken and glassy. Plum-colored patches formed under them and had not gone away. My skin had developed a grayish, sickly looking tinge that caused Hobie to insist I take a multivitamin in the morning. And how many days in a row had I worn this sweater?

I moved, begrudgingly, against the grain of the crowd, and slumped through the shelves while people forcefully shoved against my shoulder and scoffed at me under their breath for going the wrong way. But who cared what these crappy trust-fund kids and pompous brainiacs thought of me. I drowned out their complaints and dragged my fingers across the spines of the books, until I had successfully collected all the necessary novels for the upcoming term.

“Wow! That’s a lot of Dostoevsky! Let me guess… Based on your reading list I’d say… Intro to Russian Lit and… maybe Conversational Russian with Professor Khachanov?” the bubbly girl at the checkout asked as she scanned my stack of books. I wasn’t expecting her to actually pay attention to them.

I wondered how many espresso shots went into her morning coffee or if she was this energetic naturally. She seemed like the kind of girl who kept her customer service smile on 24/7. I could not bring myself to muster up enough energy to match her excitement.

“You guessed it.” I replied with a stiff, lifeless smile and apparently, less enthusiasm than she had hoped for, judging by the little twist her mouth did. She began transferring the books into an ugly canvas tote bag with the university logo on it that I knew cost extra money. I didn’t ask for it, but I also didn’t care enough to tell her to stop, so i just watched her silently and adjusted my glasses.

I thought my curt reply would signal that I wasn’t in the mood for small talk, but she started up again: “You now, that’s not very common. I see a lot of Slavic Studies and International Relations students take Conversational Russian, but not English majors. You guys usually just take Intro to Russian Lit. Why do you want to learn Russian? Is your family Russian or something?” She stuck her hand out for my student ID card.

Immediately after she stopped speaking, my palms grew sweaty and my pulse thumped throughout my body and I felt its rhythm pound in my ears. My mouth went dry and I felt a lump form in my throat. I was suddenly transported to a cold, metal police interrogation room to confess for a crime I was most definitely guilty of committing. I was handcuffed and trapped. Exposed. The harsh fluorescent lights of the store glared and pierced my brain.

I cleared my throat, which felt like sandpaper, unable to force any words out, so I stood there, like a dumbstruck idiot, blank-faced and silent, for an uncomfortably long amount of time.

Finally I managed to stammer, “I uh, I want to be able to read the original translations. At some point, I guess.”

With my head down, avoiding eye contact, I quickly snatched the receipt from the girl, shoved it into the canvas bag, and hurried out the door. God, she probably thinks I’m a psycho. But it didn’t matter. I desperately needed to get away from there. Away from that question.

Now, hours later, in my stuffy bedroom, I sat confronted with my crime, suffocated by the truth. Why had I really signed up for conversational Russian?

———

It was the same reason I found myself buying the cheap brand of vodka that we used to drink together, even though I could afford better stuff now. It tasted like jet fuel and burned my throat, but it was familiar and reminded me of the countless, blurry days we spent in a state of drunken stupor.

It was the same reason that on my way home, I would hesitate and then walk to the gas station around the corner for a pack of Marlboros, even though Hobie had taught me how to hand roll my own cigarettes. “They’re much better this way, Theo. It’s all about the craft. About paying attention.” And it was true, they were better, way better actually, but that didn’t stop me. I didn’t want better, I wanted him.

It was the same reason I took the subway down to Brighton Beach and the Lower East Side on weekends and wandered through the Russian neighborhoods, pretending like I was meant to be there. Because maybe, just maybe I was.

It was the same reason I would lie down with Popchik on my chest and close my eyes, feeling the weight against my lungs as I inhaled and imagined the warmth of him pressed up next to me, boney arm draped over me, holding me.

It was the same reason I curled up in bed at night with my earphones in—the Velvet Underground’s entire discography lulling me to sleep. Except for “I Found a Reason.” I recognized it by the first note and would immediately skip it. I couldn’t listen to it.

The habit we had of maintaining a constant level of drunkenness and snorting whatever we could find up our noses had unfortunately stuck with me. When I removed myself from my own depressing turmoil and looked at my life like a stranger would, I knew it was a problem. Without me realizing, it had spiraled from being a vice to a legitimate addiction.

But I didn’t have a reason to stop.

I tried so hard to forget him. I really did. Every time that feeling started to creep up, to gnaw at me, I would try to press it as far down as it could go. I would crumple it up into a tiny ball and throw it far far away. I would hold it underwater until it hung limp and lifeless.

I had no choice, because if I let it linger, just for one moment, it would consume me entirely.

It was a dull ache that never went away. The sting of tears welling up in my eyes. A lump in my throat. A knot in my stomach. Weak knees, like right before you’re about to faint. Heartache.

Sometimes he would come to me in a dream or in a nauseating, intoxicated hallucination. It was like looking at a reflection of him on water or through a mirror. It was almost real and I could have pretended he was there until, looking at him wasn’t enough and I greedily reached out to touch him. Suddenly, the water around my hand would ripple in expanding orbits and he would vanish.

We existed on two different planes now. I was here, doomed to live in this reality, where at one point, we had faced the disorder of life together, but now he was reduced to a figment of my imagination, a cursed dream, a memory of what once was.

And so that night, I gave in. I surrendered.

While I stared at that book, I let the memories wash over me with a force like a wave, crashing violently against a cliff. The rock I was grabbing onto crumbled beneath my finers and I was ripped away from my pretense of safety and pulled back into the sea—back to Las Vegas. Back to Boris.

———

“Potter. You can’t ask me to read to you and then just… fall asleep.” Boris said, through laughter, as he flicked my head.

My dad and Xandra had gotten into a big fight. It wasn’t their usual bickering about him watching too much football and not paying enough attention to her. Or about her staying out too late after work with friends and forgetting to make him dinner.

I couldn’t quite make sense of the full argument, or even remember why they started yelling. From the broken shouts, I figured out that my dad had lost a lot of money. And he had used some of Xandra’s? Or was about to? I wasn’t sure.

All I knew was that when Boris and I came home that night, there was a dent in the drywall of our living room and they were shouting. Judging by the accumulation of beer bottles on the coffee table, my dad had been drinking. A lot. They hadn’t even noticed us walk in.

We grabbed Popchik, who was a shaking mess in the corner of the kitchen, and we went back to Boris’. His dad was away on “special business.” I knew enough by then not to question it.

“Is great, actually,” Boris said, “when he is gone, he leaves money. 30 bucks this time.” He looked at me with his wide, dark eyes, sparkling with childlike excitement, as if we had just won the lottery.

We got started on our usual routine when we had extra money. Getting fucking blasted and buying cigarettes and a family sized bag of Cool Ranch Doritos.

We were passing a cigarette back and forth in his bedroom, sitting shoulder to shoulder, faces inches apart. Boris was slouched next to me, in silence, but a comfortable silence.

The air was charged with something electric that I couldn’t find a word for. I turned my head and traced his profile with my eyes. I didn’t realize how long I had been staring, but when he slowly turned and looked up at me, softly, my stomach jolted.

“You’re tired, aren’t you?” He asked, sitting upright, still maintaining his gaze. I liked how he could read me so well. It was a mark of how close we had gotten, how we moved in and out of each other’s minds with little effort.

“Yeah. I think I’m too wasted” I said, looking away abruptly and taking another drag of the cigarette before passing it to him, our fingers brushing, as he took it from me and brought it up to his lips.

“Stay here, Potter. I have great idea. You’ll love this, promise. Will cheer you up right away.” He got up quickly and handed the cigarette back to me.

“Where the fuck would I go?” I laughed and watched him slip into a room down the hallway.

He came back smiling and holding something behind his back.

“Please don’t tell me that’s more vodka.”

“Is not vodka. Guess again.”

“Boris, I have no fucking clue.”

He rolled his eyes and held out a thick book. The title was in Russian but fortunately, it was one of the words Boris had taught me. Идиот.

I was a little confused. What did this mean. Where was he going with this. I scrunched up my nose and said, “I don’t know enough Russian to read a whole novel.”

He sat down next to me and shoved me a little.

“No, идиот. I read. You listen.”

So I did. I slid down the wall and rested my head in his lap. Boris put one arm over mine, held the book in his other hand, and began to read the opening chapter.

I always appreciated how he was so forthright and unapologetic with his movements. He didn’t hesitate when resting his hand on mine. Or playing with my hair. Or stroking my arm.

He didn’t leave room for me to resist, not that I wanted to, although my first instinct was usually to pull away.

“This book. My favorite.” He started reading: “В конце ноября, в оттепель, часов в девять утра, поезд Петербургско-Варшавской железной дороги на всех парах подходил к Петербургу…”

I couldn’t understand a single word, but I didn’t care. I liked the sound of his voice when he spoke Russian. The way his mouth shaped the letters was firmer and smoother in Russian than in English—it was sultry, almost hypnotic. I closed my eyes and felt the soft vibrations of his voice wash over me.

I also liked the way I felt in his arms. Safe, cared for, loved, even.

———

That was, after all, why I signed up for Conversational Russian. Because of Boris. Because I might not ever see him again, and the thought of that was too unbearable, so I did everything in my power to feel close to him. To stay connected to him in some way. Any way.

Because I was in love with Boris but somehow I had lost him, caught up in the tangled tragedy that was my life.

I didn’t know if it was for good, but how would I ever find him in this great big world? It had been years since I last saw him and months since I last heard from him.

One day, I realized his face was becoming fragmented. I tried to construct and image of what he might look like now, like I was collecting scraps of torn up newspapers and piecing them together with glue.

Dark wavey hair against translucent ivory skin, a sharp contrast like an old film photograph taken in black and white. I could see the blue and purple veins underneath his skin. I could see his ribs poking out. I remembered his striking but soft eyes, always filled with a glimmer of curiosity—an inextinguishable thirst for life and all its excitement. The way they could communicate thousand of phrases in just one glance. His full lips that were often chapped and bleeding. But I miss them. The way the felt against my own that night. And the many nights before.

The image of the fourteen year old Boris I knew would forever be seared into my memory, in the way cattle were branded with molten hot metal. But what was he like now?

Sometimes I would pull out my old phone and read back through our conversations, then close my phone, and hold it over my chest while tried to hold in tears and catch my breath.

Other times I would look up at the moon and wonder where in the world he was. And if he ever looked up at the moon and thought of me.

Did Boris think of me? Did Boris miss me? Was Boris breaking apart and tearing up inside too?

Oh, the countless nights I would type out long messages with no intention of ever sending them. Are you okay? Where are you? I miss you.

I knew what loss felt like. That’s wasn’t unknown to me. I had lost my mother. For good. But the thing about Boris is that I didn’t know if it was for good. And that small chance is what was killing me and eating me away, but it was also the only thing keeping me alive. Because there was still a chance and I wanted to believe in it. I needed to. Things fall apart. But things come together too. But how many times? Had our time come and gone?

Maybe I would go the rest of his life wondering what could have been. That would be a death sentence I was sure of it. Because it was torture not knowing.

How would I ever be able to know peace when there was that small chance—that infinitely small chance we could meet again.

I wanted so badly to get a text one day from an unknown number. Potter. Is me.

I wanted to shout across the world. Here I am. Here I am. I won’t ever stop looking for you. I love you.

So I would continue hoping. I would keep going to Brighton Beach. I would keep searching the ends of the earth, forever.

But as for now, I had to learn how be content with the memory of him.

[eldritchsurveys]

671.

Do you use wide ruled or college ruled notebooks? >> I always preferred college-ruled, like it was a hard rule for me when I was young. I refused to use wide-ruled paper. It was anathema. I still don’t care for it, but I don’t use paper much anymore, period, so it doesn’t matter.

On a pair of jeans, which pocket do you most use? >> The back right one, I guess, because I usually have my phone in there so I go in and out of it a lot.

Do you have a class ring? >> No.

What about a letterman jacket? >> No.

Do you still have a piggy bank? >> I don’t recall ever having one, tbh.

Is it actually shaped like a pig? >> ---

What is the name of the hospital you were born in? >> It was called Elizabeth General Medical Center when I was born, but now it’s been folded into a citywide system of hospitals all using the name “Trinitas”.

What is the legal drinking age of the country you live in? >> 21.

What type of internet browser are you using? >> Firefox.

What's your favorite search engine? >> Unfortunately, it’s Google. All the shit I hate about Google is the same exact shit that makes it so good as a search engine.

Are you a "Master Googler"? >> I don’t really know what that means. Honestly, it doesn’t take much cleverness to get what you want out of Google -- other search engines, on the other hand...

Do people often buy you photo albums when they don't know what else to buy? >> No. No one even uses photo albums these days.

Have you ever literally lent someone a shoulder to cry on? >> No.

How long do your showers typically last? >> Between five and ten minutes, usually skewing to the shorter end. I really just don’t like being in there, so I got real efficient at it.

What is the most annoying accent you've ever heard? >> ---

Have you ever seen a mariachi music video? >> No.

Have you ever watched a movie with the commentary? What about the subtitles? >> I’ve never watched a movie with the commentary on, but one day I might like to try that with a movie I’m already well familiar with, just to see if it’s interesting. I always watch things with the subtitles on, if I can help it.

What are your thoughts on re-constructive surgery? What about plastic surgery? >> I mean... they’re good things for people who want/need them? I don’t know what kind of opinion I’m supposed to have.

Or should people learn to love their flaws? >> Oh, that’s what you mean. No, I don’t think “people should learn to love their flaws” is an appropriate attitude for me to take. Especially since it’s not like I’m a paragon at unconditional self-acceptance or anything.

Do you style your hair regularly? >> I don’t style my hair at all.

What does your laundry basket/hamper look like? >> It’s round and purple.

Do you have a favorite word? What is it? >> There are words I like more than others, but I don’t think I have a favourite one or anything.

McDonald's sweet tea: Yes or No? >> No.

When was the last time you had a papercut? >> I don’t remember. I almost gave myself one earlier today, putting some papers into my tote bag.

What was the worst Halloween costume you ever had? >> ---

Is violence ever really the answer? >> Sure.

Do you have a favorite brand of pen? >> I don’t think so.

Do you enjoy the smell of sharpies? What about gasoline? Or even chlorine? >> I enjoy the smell of the first two, in moderation. Not chlorine, though.

Have you ever sung in a choir? If so, what section were you in? Bass, Tenor, Alto, Soprano? >> I was a soprano as a child, shifted into alto as a preteen, and I think now I’d be most comfortable as a tenor.

Did you ever pronounce bologna how it's spelled? >> Yeah, to be silly.

Are either of your parents in the medical field? >> No.

What about educational field? >> No.

Can you cry on cue? Do you wish you could? >> No, I can’t, and I don’t really care to.

Do you prefer gold or silver jewelry? >> Gold.

Have you ever shaved your arms? What about your stomach? >> No to arms, yes to stomach.

Facebook or Myspace? Which is your favorite? Or is there another one? >> I mean, only facebook is even relevant now. I don’t like it, though. I prefer to socialise here or on Discord.

Have you ever made a friendship bracelet? >> I don’t think so.

Have you ever been sledding on a real wooden sled with metal runners? >> No. I’ve never been sledding, period.

Are you allergic to any particular animals? What about foods? And medicines? Or are you one of the lucky ones who don't have any allergies? >> I am one of the lucky ones, yeah.

Did you or anyone you knew get swine flu? >> No.

Do you think that people caused global warming? Or is it more of a natural earth cycle thing? >> I think it’s a little of column B and a lot of column A.

Do you watch Curling during the Olympics? >> I don’t watch the Olympics.

Is bright red lipstick classy or trashy? >> It’s just lipstick.

Do the potential lovers you pursue typically have tattoos and piercings? >> ---

Do you like your teeth? Have you had any work done on them? >> I mean, they’re fine. They serve their purpose. No, I haven’t had work done on them.

Do you know what a lobotomy is? >> Sure.

Have you ever put ranch dressing on pizza? >> No.

Do you remember the purple and green colored ketchup from the 1990s? >> Ha, I do.

Have you ever taken a dance class? >> When I was a child. I wouldn’t mind taking one now, but I can’t afford stuff like that.

Do you ever actually buy CDs anymore or do you just download music? >> I just use Spotify. I’ve chosen the path of least resistance.

Who is prettier? Jennifer Love Hewitt or Megan Fox? What about Ellen Degeneres or Mariah Carrey? >> None of these people even cross my radar when it comes to aesthetically pleasing faces.

Have you ever been to failblog.org? >> No.

Do you own a guitar? >> No.

Do you pop your knuckles? >> Sometimes.

Do all of your photos in yearbooks usually turn out looking terrible? >> All of them did until senior year, weirdly enough.

Did you have uniforms at your high school? >> No.

How often do you dust your room? >> I don’t. I probably should, but it just never occurs to me.

Do you ever use Febreez? >> No.

Have you ever been to Japan? What about Germany? Or Mexico? >> No.

Does your family ever take fun vacations? >> ---

Where was the last place you went on vacation? >> New Orleans.

Have you ever seen a castle in real life? If you said no, please note that the castles at Disney parks count. =D >> There’s an apartment complex near me called the Grand Castle and it’s just the most plastic-toy-castle looking thing I’ve ever seen. Hold on, here’s what it looks like...

It looks fake, or like one of those photos that plays with perspective and scale, where it’s actually a Lego castle or something. But nope, it’s an apartment complex. smh. Anyway, no, I’ve never seen a legitimate castle in real life.

Do you remember the first book you read by yourself? >> No.

Did you ever read R. L. Stine's Goosebumps books? >> Yep, I read a lot of those as a kid.

What about Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events" books? >> I didn’t even hear of those until I was grown.

Have you ever seen a nun in public? >> Sure. One time back in the day, Sigma and I ran into a couple of nuns on Eighth Avenue and Sigma talked to them for a solid hour. They were... very accommodating.

Have you ever heard of a musician named Priscilla Renea? >> No.

Have you seen the Austin Power's movies? >> I think I saw the first one. This was a long time ago, though. I couldn’t sit through five minutes of one now.

Do you, or did you ever, have a Gameboy? >> No, I’ve never had one.

Are you sitting in a rolley chair? >> Nope.

Were you a Nancy Drew reader when you were younger? >> I wasn’t.

Do you think Twilight is losing lots of original fans because of the movie? >> It didn’t appear that way to me, but I also wasn’t in the fandom so I wouldn’t really know for sure.

Do you think Zombieland was like an American version of Shaun of the Dead? >> I mean, in the sense that it is a comedy film about zombies, sure, why not. But really, they’re just in the same subgenre of movie, is all. They’re their own things.

Have you ever ice skated? What about roller skated? >> I’ve done the latter but never the former.

Do you have a video camera? What about a digital camera? Webcam? >> There’s a camera on my phone, and there’s one in both my computers but I never use those.

What is your preferred instant messaging service? >> Discord.

Do you enjoy being in photos? Or do you prefer taking the photos? >> I prefer taking them.

Know anyone named Gus? >> Sparrow’s former cat was named Gus.

Do you know anyone who seems to break EVERYTHING they touch? >> Nope.

Are giraffe's weird animals? >> They are and I dig it.

[garp19-sophialea-blog]

Proposal - First draft

For my dissertation I wanted to look into one of my favourite artists Frida Kahlo. I find her paintings beautiful to look at with a lot of depth and emotion behind them. When you look through her collection of work, you can see her life story being told, and your able to walk through the events and moments she experienced. Not only is she an incredible artist who painted portraits and images inspired by her personal life, but she was also someone who suffered greatly yet continued to carry on an fight for what she believed in. From the age of 6 she was diagnosed with polio, resulting in one of her legs being noticeably smaller than the other. If this was not enough of an impact on her life, she later was involved in a tragic bus accident, which changed her life forever. After breaking many bones throughout her body, and having a metal pole impale her in the abdomen, she was left bed bound for nine months and would find herself to be in and out of hospitals for the rest of her life. When deciding on a subject with in the umbrella of Frida Kahlos life, I had the option to look into her life story and talk about the influences shes had on people, or to talk about the unusual relationship she had with her husband Diego Rivera, however I wanted to do something different as I feel this has been done many times before. Instead I wanted to look at the reasons why Frida Kahlo is so famous today, and recognised by people not even interested in art. When people see her face, they generally recognise her as Frida Kahlo, something other artists such as Pablo Picasso or Georgia O’Keeffe do not have the privilege of. However whilst undergoing research on these facts, I noticed that even though people recognised and could name the woman with the monobrow, they didn’t necessarily know who she was and why she was famous. You will find Kahlos image on anything from t shirts and bags, to bars of soap and shot glasses. She had the reputation of being a feminist icon that people should look up to, yet they know nothing of her or her life story. Since discovering this I would like to investigate why Frida Kahlo has become famous for reasons other than the artwork she produced, and whether she is known for the strong woman she was or just a face to make money out of. I think this would be an interest to others as it may unveil issues we have in society that aren’t being addressed, due to the ignorance of consumers. By reading my final essay you will learn more about Frida Kahlo as person rather than her simply being a monobrow on a t shirt sold in Primark.

I have began my research by reading Haydn Herrera’s 500 page biography on Frida Kahlos life. The book follows very detailed events that occur from her childhood, all the way through to her death at the age of 47. It contains many photographs and paintings done by the artist, as well as diery entries and letters she wrote through her lifetime. By reading this book, I hope to gain a greater knowledge of what her life was like, giving me more confidence to talk about her in my final essay knowing I have all the facts. Any key quotes or interesting events I find within the book, I log down on my Tumblr account, so that I have easy access back to them when writing out my final essay. As well as reading the book, I have watched the film ‘Frida’ staring Salma Hayek that is in fact based off Herrera’s book. By watching the film as well as reading the book, I hope to gain a new insight into what her life was like, having actual visuals of Mexico back in the 1900’s. By watching the character of Frida acted out by Salma Hayek, you can create a greater understanding for the pain and emotion she dealt with in her life, whether it was through the pain of the bus accident, or the pain of her husband constantly cheating on her with other woman.

When browsing through the internet, I came across a page called ‘Frida Kahlo is not your symbol’. I found this an intreging title, as it wasn’t simply a ‘fan page’ that I had so often come across when researching the artist. On the site I found a list of issues and arguments that have been raised due to people putting Fridas face on anytings and everything in a feat to make money. It talks about how this would not only go against everything Frida Kahlo stood for, but it often wasn’t even portraying her correct appearance. An example of this would be when social media platform snapchat, created a filter for the Mexican artist back in 2017. However when looking at the filter and the changes it made to a persons appearance, it was noticed that it would in fact create a paler complexion to that of the Mexican artist. People investigated further by placing the filter over the original Frida Kahlo self portraits, and the results confirmed that it did in fact lighten the skin tone of the original image. Discovering this sparked outrage to the public and those with different skin tones. But this was not the last time this would occur. A year later in march 2018, the popular doll company ‘Barbie’ released a Frida Kahlo doll as part of their inspiring women series. When reading an article written by ‘The Independent’ aside from the copywrite issues raised by the family, the doll itself has very few properties that made Frida Kahlo the woman she was. The doll once again has a very pale complexion, as well as being extremely skinny, something barbie has been pulled up on many times before. However the doll does not have a monobrow, one of Frida’s most noticeable features, nor does it show any evidence of the fact that she was disabled due to the bus accident, or the fact that she eventually lost one of her legs to gangrene later on in life. Leaving these features out and making it seem that she was a completely abled white woman, takes away all the things that made Frida Kahlo the woman she was. An ironic quote I found on the ‘Frida Kahlo is not your symbol’ website, was that she claimed she hated white people, the USA and capitalism, saying ‘ I don’t like the gringos at all. They’re very boring and they’ve all got faces like unbaked rolls’. Having been a woman that had these views, you would think she would be condemned, but rather she was embraced by white feminists, only reimagined as a ghostly version of herself, free of any radicality and hardship.

This ignorance to who Frida Kahlo was taken even further when British Prime Minister, Teresa May, wore a chunky Frida Kahlo bracelet during one of her speeches. Whilst May is a representative of the conservative party, it seems ridiculous that she would wear a bracelet representing a woman who was a fervent communist and actually had an affaire with Leon Trotsky, a soviet politician. People may argue that May simply wore the bracelet for aesthetic reasons, but that just proves how ignorant people have people on the views Kahlo had and fought for.

During a recent trip to London, I was able to document just how popular Frida Kahlo merchandise is. When travelling round gift shops, clothes shops or just walking down the road, you could find her face everywhere. You could buy Frida Kahlo mirrors, bags, soap, shot glasses, glasses cases, fairy lights… A factor I did pick up on however was the fact that they were all the same image of her.

You never see a painting of her ‘broken column’ or the ‘what I see in the water’, which I feel are beautiful pieces. The only reason I can think of for these pieces never being shown in the public eye or on items being sold in shops, is due to the fact that it shows deeper layers to her, not just the fact that she was a beautiful woman. The broken column does have partial nudity which I could understand some designers not wanting to feature if they target younger audiences, however this is not a factor in all of her artwork so why do people insist on using the same image of her.

So a key concepts that I will be looking at for the final essay is whether or not Frida Kahlo has simply become a face used to sell products and occasionally represent feminism. Has she become a hallow shell that the public eye no longer recognises for her artwork and life story. Do people no longer know her belief or what she stood for, and now simply see her as a pretty face with a monobrow on a tote bag. I feel like this has unfortunately become the case, as we are living in a society were we only care about making money. As well as this I want to see if there is a reason that in many products created around the Frida Kahlo brand, that some of her key features have been left out, such as in the snapchat filter or Barbie doll. I will be interested if this is a common factor that happens to other women and men of colour, or if it has simply happened to her, and if so why? To continue researching down this question I would need to understand some more background information on Mexico in this time period. What the Mexican revolution was all about and why Frida had the views she did. When alive she would always wear very traditional Mexican dresses, rather than anything influenced by European clothing. I need to fill in the gaps of her reasoning behind this. Her farther was originally from Germany, so what exactly was it about Europe and the USA that she so much hated. By filling in these gaps I would have a better insight of the history and beliefs she stood for, and then get greater understanding on the outrage some people have toward what so many companies are doing with the Frida Kahlo brand.

I would also be interested in researching and finding out more about the Frida Kahlo exhibition that recently took place in London. I was unfortunately unable to get tickets on the event, however I think I could find some interesting points from the exhibition, and to get feedback from anyone who went to the event. To find this out I would need to do some more research online and find articles written in review of the show. As well as this, I could possibly email people that went or were involved in production of the show, and get there opinion, not only on the exhibition, but on some other issues previously raised in my research. To carry this out I would need to create a consent form in order to prevent any issues possibly raised in the future, should the person I interviewed decided they no longer wanted to be a part of the research.

Over the summer I shall continue to read Frida’s biography by Herrera, as well as carrying out online research. As well as this I will be researching Mexican history in the 1900’s to gain greater knowledge on Frida’s beliefs and understand on a greater scale why the Frida Kahlo of today would outrage Frida if she were alive to see it today. I think I need to have a greater understanding on communism and the politics in general around this time, as some of the gaps in my knowledge on the subjects may become an issue when I am later writing my essay. Finally I will try and investigate further into the barbie doll of Frida Kahlo and the issues that revolved around it. I would like to see what exactly happened with the copywrite laws that resulted in the doll being removed from shop shelves, and why the doll didn’t have any of Frida’s attributes in the first place.

[loll3]

✶ let's celebrate spring with a brand new wallpaper set! ✌🏻🌿✨

✧ Poisonous Plants ~ wallpaper set is now available on my shop 🌱 || 👉🏻 tap to shop 🪴 ✨

- - -

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- - -

👉🏻 tote bag from redbubble

[lesbiancarat]

Lol ah if I ever do cross line, slap this book anon with a fish lol

PREACH IT!!! facts, facts and once again facts were spoken. You have summed up that entire section brilliantly love! Dare I say, mic drop

Onto the merch and I saw! I was surprised in a good way to see them! Hybe must have heard us complaining lol but no, they can create nice merch! While not the svt color scheme,it is very much in line to what you can think of merch for the boys. Simple and cute I think! Very bright from the orange shades i remember seeing, granted I will admit the bag is very similar to the one they sold for txt's online fan concert as well(?) So idk if this is just their common purse style they have pre-made and will change it up via color scheme wise but nonetheless, we can see decent merch being made. I think we will see over time improvements, I could very much see hybe adopting the bts album inspired merch for svt (idk how long that lasted but I do recall seeing merch inspired by their love yourself album or their tear albums so I could see maybe hybe putting out merch related to a mini series of the YMMD era? Of course please do not take my words as facts. I sadly don't work for hybe xD but just an idea I could maybe see happening and I think that could be cool! These might be a bit more pricier because I remember those merch were like limited edition so they cost a bit more which funnily could be the going svt merch idea you gave! I think that would be fun like imagine a makeup purse or a small bag based off the old pastel title screen ahh that would be cute!) Now brings us the ahem, more obvious cash grabs. Now, I will say the only time I can recall this also happening with sm artist. I always remember seeing those bday limited edition merch being sold and this was usually small items like a necklace, key ring, etc. It wasn't a t-shirt or something wild so maybe this is where hybe got inspired? Idk if this will be for all hybe artist though, would be weird if it just for svt. Like I get it, more members means more money but like ??? Make it make sense. I do agree with you, if we do have a good balance of good quality merch and have the few not so great merch it can work out? Of course call out merch that isn't ok like the plastic water bottles (I doubt that helps because fans of bts did this and welp, the resold it like I said so I doubt bighit would listen but still, we should make our voices heard!) And oohhh gotchas! Yeah I haven't hear of the rings situation at all, am happy they didn't do it. I guess in a way, I could maybe see what pledis wanted to do? But why replicas? They could have just done a simple svt inspired ring, not the personal one the boys own jdjajdjajs

Oohhh touche, while I'm personally not a fan of streaming parties, I can see why companies do them and it is valid c:

Caratland, ah yes. I keep forgetting about it fjsdns. Are you planning on watching it? I'm sure we will see some new songs being performed and knowing the boys, they will find a creative way to mix things up haha.

Before I go, I must say I remember finishing hoshi xD bro I remember seeing this happen live while my twitter gc were all watching the kcon livestream and we were all losing our minds xD like the timeline was in chaos and laughing about how they could lose hoshi but also how very on brand it was so anon, a great way to become a fan lolol

(is the slapping with a fish a reference to something or just something you like to say? dhfjfh either way it makes me laugh!)

yeah it makes sense if they would have the same template/design for basic merch items like totes, shirts, hats and things like that and just changed the color or print design. honestly that doesn't bother me so long as the basic sort of merch is in addition to more unique merch items if that makes sense.

ooh old album inspired merch is an interesting idea! although honestly I'd just settle for reprints of the old albums themselves OTL idk if that's something hybe can do directly though since they're not the original manufacturers of the old albums. like I'm sure pledis could reprint the old albums if they really wanted to, but there may be legal issues to work out if they want to switch to hybe manufacturing them + selling them permanently on weverse shop. idk how easy or hard that is since I'm not a legal expert but that would be my guess! i still hope it happens some day though... finding old albums is hard TT

yeah i wouldn't be surprised if other companies have done birthday merch, it seems like the type of thing kpop companies in general would try to make money off of dhfkf. honestly the concept of birthday merch in general I'm just like... *sigh* yeah, ok. like i don't think it's immoral to profit off of it or anything but it's just an example of capitalism at its finest you know? at this point I'm just like, if you're going to make birthday merch at least go all in with the individual member customization instead of making it all plain black TT like I'm sure some ppl do like that kind of design and no judgement there. it's not inherently bad. but its all very... professional? corporate? not sure if those are the words I'm looking for dhfkf but like they could have incorporated a lot of personal elements like the cherry motif or let cheol dress up in his favorite clothes for the photoshoot and things like that you know? also the hand thing was just weird at the very least i hope they scrap that idea for the other members if they get bday merch TT and yeah I'll also be interested to hear if other hybe groups also get b-day merch...

I actually can't remember if the rings were "replicas" in the sense that they had the members names on them/were the exact design SVT members had. it may have been a "carat" version of the ring, in which case replica may not be the right word to use. but either way they were definitely marketed as being like... the equivalent of a seventeen ring if that makes sense? and that being the case even if wasn't the exact same design it still wouldn't have sat right with me, it just feels too close to home. i do remember thinking at the time that they could have made something like a bracelet or necklace that could be like a mirror to SVTs rings but still something distinctly different. like it could still show SVT and carats connection while not intruding on SVT members status and the work they put in to get that title... but i digress!

I'm almost certainly not gonna watch it live dhfjfh for one online concerts and fanmeetings just aren't worth the cost for me... maybe if it was $20 or less id spare the money but I'm not gonna pay $50 to watch a livestream at 3am DHFKFH. and even if i were considering it, I'm traveling on the 9th so i can't be up late to watch it live even if i wanted to. i know they have delayed times for replays but if it's not live then it's even less worth it to spend the money imo. so likely I'll just keep my eyes peeled for a pirated version after the fact dhfkf

it really was so chaotic... its interesting to hear sometimes the crazy ways ppl got into the fandom or were first exposed to SVT dhfjfh especially since my own stanning story is more sentimental(?) rather than funny

[royallypsychotic]

Celine Envelope Bag

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[dragimal]

alright just finished Crybaby, and here are my Opinions

(big spoilers for anyone who wants to watch it, and if u do plan on it, be aware of major trigger warnings like hardcore gore/body horror, death, full-on nudity/sex, and sexual assault. some of these elements are present in most dman adaptations to some degree anyways, but imagine those adaptations ramped up to 50)

things I liked:

- art style! I’m a HUGE fan of the fluid, gangly style, and it works so well w/ the high-action, intense fights

- the crying theme. it's a rly nice visual indicator that Akira is still in there, and how much he was affected by all the death and heartbreak. one of my fave parts of Akira as a character is how he has to reconcile his demon instincts w/ his humanity, so to see Crybaby Devilman break out into tears is esp powerful

- the development of the side characters. the bullies are some of my fave characters in the original, and I rly like how they were adapted into disenfranchised rappers in this one (and I esp love the relationship the one rapper had w/ Miko briefly like?? precious). speaking of Miko, she was EXCELLENT, easily one of my new faves, and her confession to Miki was heartbreaking. I also love that one gay runner (forgot his name..), and his camaraderie w/ Miko was truly mlm/wlw solidarity at its finest (before he y’know.... betrayed humanity...)

- I also rly like the approach to Miki’s character in this one; making her strong and capable was a good move. some ppl may know that I have mixed feelings abt og Miki, b/c I like her individually, but I hate how whenever she’s w/ Akira she bullies him for being soft (at least pre-Devilman) and forces him to protect her in fights she instigates. I like how Crybaby completely cut that from this adaptation and just made her awesome and actually nice to Akira. and believe it or not, I actually ship them in this adaptation, which is shocking to me b/c I’ve only ever shipped them in the chibi “Go Nagai World” adaptation and Devilman Grimoire. like that bit where Akira was all over-acting like, “oh yes, I saved you!” and swept Miki off her feet? I die. actually I ship Miki w/ several ppl in this adaptation, like Miko (of course), and that one bald rapper. also, was her “witch” nickname a reference to Grimoire? if it was, that’s cute <3

- the restructuring of the plot points to fit a slightly new plotline were mostly p good. like it was cool how Crybaby had Jinmen possess Akira’s dad, making for a double-whammy of pain seeing both his parents die at once. or how Devilman sucked Ghelmer straight out of Miki and burned the water out of his own body. just some neat changes. also I didn’t think any adaptation could ever top Jinmen’s subplot in terms of heart-wrenching pain, but look at that! Miki’s demon-bro topped it! thanks Crybaby I didn’t need my heart anymore!!!!!!

- Miki’s cat became a demon?? 10/10 easily the best part of the series

things I didn’t like:

- Ryo. just.... fuckin Ryo. part of me wants to like Ryo in any dman adaptation, so I didn’t actively hate him while watching the show, but the more I think abt how his character was portrayed in this, the more frustrated I get. like, Ryo is easily my top fave character from Devilman as an overall franchise (if not necessarily every specific adaptation), alongside Akira. so to see this character I love just whittled down to what he is here... it hurts, man. for those who aren’t super familiar w/ og Ryo, let me show u a panel that I think encompasses his temperament

Crybaby Ryo is cold, calculating, and largely unemotional. og Ryo, on the other hand, rapidly flips between stone-cold, almost comically blank, and hysterical. he’s not a “cool” character necessarily; Go Nagai may have attempted that portrayal originally, idk for sure, but any reader will tell u that’s not the outcome he achieved, nor how he was eventually portrayed in the OVAs. og Ryo is unhinged and clearly not emotionally prepared to take on the world, but by GOD that fucker’s gonna run in guns a-blazin’ or die trying. the simplest way to describe him is, “nihilist conspiracy theorist with a gun, oh god why does he have a gun who gave him that-”

just imagine this guy w/ a gun, shades, and blonde mullet, and that’s Ryo. but instead of getting that Ryo in Crybaby, we get, “unemotional nihilist (with a gun)” Ryo, and that’s rly all there is to him

and one of the worst things abt Crybaby Ryo is that he’s so.... reprehensible. not that og Ryo doesn’t do some terrible things-- he absolutely does-- but he either does them in such a hilariously goofy manner, or he’s so earnest u can’t help but shake ur head at him like, “Oh Ryo~” (again, not to excuse him, but trust me, there are ways to make villains charming, and Go Nagai originally hit on that p damn well, whether intentional or not). plus I don’t rly remember og Ryo ever killing ppl for the sake of “covering his tracks”. I only ever remember him killing ppl who were directly harming himself/Akira, and then just injuring ppl as a part of his goals (like that scene w/ him slashing ppl at the black sabbath is in the og version, b/c the sabbath needed fresh blood to initiate the transformations). I could be wrong, but I don’t think og Ryo particularly cares who sees him committing crimes, so long as he’s not directly confronted abt it. he’s.... not exactly a gr8 strategist in that respect... or at all....

and this is double sad for me b/c not only does og Ryo actually have emotions, but he’s so clearly pining for an oblivious Akira throughout the story, which is why they’ve always been my dman otp. there are some cute moments b/t Akira and Ryo in Crybaby (the pool scene, mainly), but they seem more instigated by Akira on an unwilling Ryo, and Ryo seems to only keep Akira around for the muscle/demon-power, so I can’t rly buy Ryo’s apparent “affection” for Akira here at all....

- there was too little build-up to Akira becoming Devilman. like the whole first volume in the 5-volume og series is dedicated to Devilman’s buildup and initial transformation, yet only one ep of this 10-ep series is dedicated to it. this fails for several reasons: 1)  the longer build-up in the og establishes how close Ryo and Akira rly are, and how willing Akira is to help Ryo, even at the expense of his life. 2) the og build-up gives you time to get attached to Akira before his transformation, and not only feel his pain at losing parts of himself to the transformation, but also the ability to recognize when his Akira-brand humanity is making an appearance post-Amon. 3) why the hell did Akira believe Ryo so readily? why isn’t he concerned at all about either demons’ existence or Ryo’s mental health? where’s Akira’s classic, “WHERE’S THE PHONE,” reaction??

- now setting aside my love for og Ryo, and Crybaby Ryo’s likability as a character for a sec, Crybaby’s approach to Ryo RLYYYY fucks up the entire Satan plotline for me. in the original, Ryo also doesn’t remember being Satan, so he is also trying to help humanity. but in the original, you FEEL that! you can feel how hard he's trying, and yeah he goes abt it in often dangerous/morally dubious ways, but in the end (before he regains his memories), his goals are for humans. he's a, “sacrifice the few for the many,” kinda guy-- which is absolutely questionable, but still has humanity as a whole in mind

Crybaby Ryo, on the other hand, doesn’t feel like he has ANY protectiveness for humanity, even when he's still under the impression he's a human. hell, I thought this adaptation had him start out knowing he’s Satan and actively manipulating Akira for his plans the whole time, that’s how little I believed in his want to protect humanity (I mean, the 2004 live-action film went that route, so u can’t rly blame me for being wary). maybe it would have been different if I had come into this fresh, not knowing Ryo was Satan, but I just never bought that he was anything but manipulating everyone specifically for the demons, so I was kinda surprised when he started to “regain” his memories b/c I thought he already HAD them. which is just frustrating b/c that big reveal is one of the best twists ever, in the original! b/c u believe this weird gun-toting dude’s rly truly trying to help out humans, but it turns out he’s been in the demon’s league the whole time!

b/c of this, the Crybaby ending also severely lacks the emotional punch of the og end, when Satan realizes they were wrong (and no, ”you taught me abt love,” is not the same thing as confronting their mistakes)

- and that leads into how Crybaby dropped the ball on the demons in general too. in the original, the demons were Earth’s original lifeforms, but this didn’t please God, so he tried to wipe them out. Satan was the only angel who defied this, trying to protect these creatures who had the right to keep living. THAT was why Satan was cast out of heaven, and Satan convinced the demons to freeze themselves into hibernation until they could later confront God together. upon reawakening, Satan and their demon crew are pissed to find the world taken over by humans, and THAT’S why demons have a grudge against humans. thus, Satan decides to disguise themself as human and tuck their memories away in order to intimately learn the weaknesses of our species in order to end us. all the demons were in on this plan, and were willing to sacrifice themselves to the cause. in the end, when Satan is sitting on Sadness Island w/ (half of)Akira, they realize that in their rage, they turned into exactly what they originally opposed, but it’s far too late to reconcile their mistakes

what’s the motivation of Crybaby’s demons? uh... fuck man, idk. snuff films? I guess they want to be revived, but why aren’t they in on Satan’s plans? why are they all surprised when Devilman is made, when this is a specific goal in Satan’s grand scheme? why didn’t Jenny reveal this plan to anyone else? how did demons’ “essence” survive, can we plz have more of an explanation for that? it doesn’t make sense???

not that the og didn’t have its own weird explanations for things (”global warming is melting the demons out of their hibernation! also here’s a complete misinterpretation of evolutionary theory!”), but idk man, at least it mostly made sense w/in its own canon, I think. 

- the one other big thing that bothers me is the fact Devilman, the franchise, exists Crybaby? like I get that it’s just a joke, but it wasn’t just one-off, like this is brought back SEVERAL times, and it rly breaks my immersion every single time. like if the dman franchise exists in Crybaby, why is anyone here surprised by anything? and it’s not even an obscure story in-canon, it’s popular enough that ppl recognize the character, and Miki’s brother is obsessed w/ it. so if there’s a rly popular story that already reveals more-or-less Satan’s entire plan to the public, why are ppl so shocked?

the only way I can justify this is that it seems like maybeeee the only part of the dman franchise that’s present in the Crybaby universe is the 70′s tv show, which has a distinctly different plot from the original, and doesn’t feature Satan at all. but even with that explanation, not everyone who’s watching Crybaby knows that, and it’s still immersion-breaking even knowing that. like if they wanted a cute reference to Go Nagai’s works, why couldn’t they have featured Mazinger Z, or hell even Violence Jack

- some of the psych horror of the og/OVAs was cut and that’s a real bummer b/c it was honestly more horrifying than the gore. like og Miki’s parents phasing thru the walls/furniture when Ghelmer is attacking? that haunts me. also a lot of the demons in the og sacrifice themselves by merging w/ humans and killing the humans and themselves in the process in order to increase mass panic in the humans, which is a horrifying but cool tactic

- thankfully these bits were p quick, but everything involving the Amazon natives was....... uncomfortable at best. like, fair-skinned boy being worshiped as a god by darker people? hmmmmm. like idek why that part even existed, why didn’t Ryo just immediately wake up on that island where Akira lived, why did he have to be raised by the people in the Amazon only for him to become an orphan on that island anyways. Akira could have still found him on that cliff later on, it’s not like Satan Themself would have died if he wasn’t cared for as a baby. it would even make sense for Crybaby Ryo, considering that lack of affection in his formative years could have made him into the sociopath he is today

also when Ryo was explaining how old monsters of myth are demons, there were a few shots of gods shown, like.... Ryo.... those aren’t monsters those are religiously/culturally significant figures wtf are u doing...

- this adaptation is weirdly sexual? I mean, most dman adaptations have weirdly sexual elements, but most of the time it’s purely nudity with some /hints/ at sexual elements. like, ppl just Happen To Be Naked, and also sometimes make sexual comments. not that this isn’t questionable in and of itself (Silene’s og design, w/ her tail feathers UNDER her buttcheeks is uhhhhhhhhh), but it never felt like sexual assault or anything when ppl were fighting; ppl just happened to have their Whole Titty out when fighting. in Crybaby, there’s a blatant connection between the violent gore and the sex, and it’s uncomfortable at times. like I’m not necessarily a squeamish person, so most of the time I wasn’t that affected, but when Akira-- our hero-- effectively raped Silene on-the-fly during their fight I was like NO THANKS

overall opinion?

despite how long the “didn’t like” section is, I do like the show a lot. it’s strong as an independent series, and there is a lot to love as a dman fan as well. however, Ryo is not only an important character to me, but to the Devilman franchise as a whole, so to drop the ball on his character isn’t just insulting to me personally, but weakens Crybaby’s overall lore/plot in places it should be strongest

[lenfazreads]

My Manaconda brings all the fans to the yard

So, as you might know, some of us decided to read together this wonderful piece of literary art called Manaconda.

I don’t know who found the book originally-.- yeah, as if you’ve ever believed that one.

Here’s my take on Manaconda (under the cut for spoilers) 

The pain is real for Hunter *Manaconda* Jordan. He has it all: a successful band with a killer new album, a killer body, good looks and a great brother (we will come back to the brother, several times.) But yet, all goes down the drain when Rolling Stone decides to put him in the cover shirtless and with the caption of Manaconda on top of the bulge of his jeans.

Sales skyrocket, fans go crazy, and poor Hunter only wants people to see him for more than his large toolset.

Like I said, the pain is real for our hero. We have branded a term for this pain: cock angst.

Now queue in Kennedy McManus, go walks into the hotel where the band (Hammered, for crying out loud, there is no subtlety in here) is presenting it album. She walks in with high heel shoes, professional attire and an iPad with a pink case, all ready for business because Kennedy here is a career woman. Oh yes, all career, no fun for Kennedy. The only interest she has in Manaconda is how she can milk that buzz for all that is worth PR wise. She’s a PR Princess on a mission as she owns a favor to the owner of the record label, a guy that can totes make and break your career with just not naming you again. So yes, Kennedy needs to be in her A game in here, and she is as she checks social media accounts while doing a power walk and having everything under control as she finds the band manager, a woman by the name of Indie (Indie is a terrible manager, btw, but we will get to that later)

At this point we’re introduced to the rest of the band, whose names I can’t remember other than Keys (the only chick in the band) and Bats (who’s crazy as fuck, and we will go back to him over and over again). Then I think there was Wyatt, and an Irish guy… bc there is always an Irish guy (according to @winterbythesea ). Then I think there were two more, but they didn’t do nothing to be remembered… sadly, they had failed to stand out of the shadows of the manaconda long enough to grant them page-time (or their own book).

Now Kennedy has her first major task. Hunter has gone missing and she has to go fish him out of the kitchen where he’s cooking with his pal Tristan (we like Tristan, and we picture him as a cooler version of Chad Michael Murray in Gilmore Girls, as he defied his family and moved to LA to become a cool chef with blue hair.)

It all goes downhill from here. In a matter of 15 minutes between meeting him as he’s finishing putting together a bowl of pasta and the trek back to the stage Kennedy “I’m too professional so don’t call me Kenny, Mr Jordan” ends up making out in a dark corridor with the actual man of the hour after some really weird pasta eating that is supposed to be sensual but it only came out as someone had cut too many carbs out of her diet.

Of course, they get caught by a huge crowd. There are pics, social media posts and all that jazz. OF COURSE.

First plot twist: Kennedy doesn’t get fired on the spot. She actually stays for the show and doesn’t even get reprimanded by big tycoon that is supposed to be a hard ass career maker or breaker.

Sure, Jan.

Second plot twist: She kisses him again during the press conference because they are asking him about Bats hanging out with his ex-fiancee Victoria and poor Hunter is not reacting well.

She doesn’t get fired either. Actually, the suits decide she and Hunter now have to be a fake couple (fake dating!).

You can all imagine how they ended up that night… in his room. Yes, eventually. Before that there was some action on the back of a truck that was large enough for Kenny to pace (yes, I’m calling her Kenny from now on. Much like Hunter)

I’m going to stop in here and start with some bullet points because I think you get the idea.

The smut was subpar… he uses a rosary and she’s thinking more of that than what is happening in the bad. It’s a rosary, he uses it as a necklace, move on. We don’t care about the worn out walnut beads or the details of the crucifix… really, no.

He gives her six orgasms in one night. Manaconda can deliver. Point for Hunter.

Then he takes her to a breakfast buffet and tells her they had good coffee there. I have to put a stop in here. I can deal with unrealistic smut but this is too much. No breakfast buffet has decent coffee. Not unless they have a state of the art espresso machine and a well-trained barista. Let’s not lie to the people like that

The book is told in alternating first person PoV and it’s co-written. You can tell the difference in styles and it kind of makes sense if we think there are two different people, but is a rollercoaster.

The brother shows up. I’m immediately drawn to Liam Noah. His description only fuels for me to like him more. His first words to Kennedy make me want to go down on him on the spot.

Hunter and Kenny are a hot mess… they fuck and then they fight because he wants more and yet cannot deal with Bats maybe dating his ex (intro backstory drama of the cheating ex)

Kenny refuses to come second to anyone (intro backstory of her father having another family and her being a cast off) and that is why she’s a career woman, so she doesn’t end up crying over a man like her momma,

Hunter volunteers for a charity that helps people adopt dogs. He had several. Hunter is ready to settle down and he wants Kenny to play home with him and the dogs. Kenny is still figuring out how to get out of the tight professional clothes she wears

Kenny has an assistant called Carter. Carter wants to have a threesome with his girlfriend Felicity and Hunter’s brother bc Noah is that hot. I love Carter. Me too, Carter, me too.

Hunter and Bats engage in not one, but two fights in the span of three days and both times they end up with the cops. Funny enough Kennedy “you can’t call me Kenny but here’s my cop friend Remy who’s totally into me and let him call me Ken and I hug him” pulls some strings to get him off the hook. Him, not poor Bats who’s never given the chance to tell his side of the story. Neither does Vic, tho. She’s been labeled the bitch villain of the book.

Hunter then realizes he has to fight for Kenny, bc Noah makes him realize what is important after telling him he’s a good for nothing. I really don't understand why this book is not about Noah. He’d be a lot more fun than Hunter. He probably has the same equipment and none of the cock angst.

Hunter convinces Carter to let him into Kenny’s place and gets Tristan to cook for her. I like Tristan, he can slice vegetables while flirting… somehow Kenny still only has eyes for the Manaconda.

We gotta give props to Hunter for romancing the hell out of Kenny with pictures he takes while on tour framed in glass and little notes underneath, lovely texts and a plain old move out of Say Anything that almost bumped him with Noah’s on top of the list. Almost. Like I said, Noah still wins. A lot less baggage and a lot more game if you ask me (he works security and is an ex-Army. Go Noah. Come to mamma)

The words cock and dick are used as interchangeable... this is not good. is either one or the other... and it should be cock. I can’t with dick... it is used as an insult;  so if a dick is an idiot, a dick cannot be a wonderful specimen of a male organ

You know your novel has a problem when people are more engaged with your secondary characters than your main ones. That is not a bad thing per se if you are laying out the ground for the series (These things are always a series) but sadly, there are no books planned for Noah, Tristan or Bats. Next books are about Keys, Wyatt and Irish Guy.

Kennedy has a weird fixation on wood. The rosary makes another appearance.

“Pound” is used several times in the book, so much that I want to have a drinking game over it.

I still want to know what the fuck is going on with Bats and Vic.

Noah needs his own book.

All in all, at the end of the day, Hunter Jordan was just a guy with a huge bulge on his pants and a pack of adopted dogs, standing in front of a girl career woman, asking her to love him (and not just his manaconda).