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lisinfleur · 6 years ago

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Better than Me

Author’s Notes | It’s funny how some texts just gain their own life and start running out of what we were planning! Things became cutter than I thought! I hope you enjoy, dear anon. Universe | Vikings Pairing | Hvitserk x Wife! Reader Info | Viking Age AU, requested by anon for 5CW1 Words | 4671 ⁑ Warnings: ANGST, Romance, fluffy.

"She says it's a boy... Baldur. They named him Baldur."

You felt tears forming a line under your eyes, hearing your husband's conversation with his brothers at the table of the Hall. Hvitserk was talking about his younger brother's soon to come son Freydis had just discovered.

Torvi already had given Ubbe two sons. A boy and a girl. Even Blaeja was already heavily pregnant with Sigurd's child and there he was, your sweet husband, being mocked by his younger brothers passing him behind.

"Time to stop being idle, Hvitserk!"

You knew it wasn't his fault. How could it be?

Hvitserk wasn't idle as Sigurd was mocking him for being. Instead, he was full of fire and never missed his chances of fulfilling his tasks as a husband, but you, on the other hand...

Maybe Ivar was right and Margrethe was really taken by an evil spirit when she cursed you after Hvitserk chose you over his brother's ex-wife. Somehow, her words over you were working and now even his crippled brother everyone thought wasn't able to seed a woman was soon to be a father and your husband was still frozen in time.

You couldn't prevent your sobs to come, one of them stopping the conversation between the brothers, causing them to look in your direction.

"Y/N?"

You ran back to your room before Hvitserk could come near you, trying to hide your cry, sinking in the space between your bed and the dresser, holding your knees against your chest, almost converting into a little sobbing ball around yourself.

Why couldn't you give him children?

Why couldn't you just be worthy of his efforts?

Why were the gods closing your womb to his seed when even his younger brother was already passing him behind?

Hvitserk came into your room after leaving his brothers at the Hall, finding you that way, crying helplessly against the dresser, lowering himself to tenderly touch your face, lifting your eyes to his.

"What happened, my love? What is it that makes you cry this way? Come here..."

His hands softly taken you from the ground, placing you in bed by his side, caressing your face to wipe your tears that only fell in thicker lines.

He was such a good husband...

Hvitserk was such a good man, always by your side, always disposed to help you with anything, to make you smile, to care for you and wipe your tears.

And you were freezing his life, preventing him to fulfill such simple goals a man should achieve to conquer the other's respect. Causing him to be called idle by his younger brothers and mocked by the older ones for his seed was taken as weak.

All because of you!

"Stop!" you said, pushing his hands away from you, causing his face to frown without a clue of why were you pushing him away. "Stop being tender! Stop caring for me! Stop!!" you almost yelled this time, getting up, holding yourself and walking away from him and his confused expression.

"What did I do wrong, Y/N?" he asked, making you growl angrily between your sobs.

"Why can't you realize the truth in front of your eyes, Hvitserk?" you said, looking at him.

That expression in his face, mixing confusion and sadness, causing your stomach to turn into your belly. He couldn't see.

He simply couldn't see how toxic you were to his life.

"I want the divorce," you stated, changing his face to a surprised, even scared expression.

"W-what? Y/N... What happened? Love, please, why are you asking me this? Why did I..." he stumbled at the words, totally scared, coming near you, trying to touch you, hold you by your shoulders almost despaired.

So blind...

Your pretty sweet prince, so blind to his own fate.

You were his doom and he couldn't see how much you were destroying his chances to ever have a real family or realize his dreams to become a father.

You were his biggest mistake and he couldn't even see this.

"It's not you, Hvitserk. It was never you. It is me!" you yelled, trying to fight the tears and speak without being constantly cut by your sobs "I'm destroying you! I'm freezing you in time! I'm a burden in your life and nothing more than this!"

"What are you saying, Y/N?" he asked, sounding so hurt.

The shine in his eyes telling you he was about to pour his tears for someone who didn't deserve his most brief smiles in your vision.

You touched his face, caressing his cheek, causing his eyes to fill a little more. He would cry for you...

How could he love you that deeply?

"You're such a good man... So sweet, so loving. But your sweetness and your love aren't allowing you to see the truth in front of your eyes, Hvitserk. I'm pushing you down and holding your life back. I'm an anchor, preventing your boat to reach the sea. And you will end up docked forever unless you let me go." you said, feeling your heart torn into your chest.

He touched your hand, caressing it softly, wetting your thumb in his cheek when he lost the fight against tears and they poured from his eyes, wetting his words.

"Then I'll be docked, whatever it means in whatever you're trying to tell me. I don't care! I don't wanna lose you, Y/N!"

"No!" you insisted, agonizing with the fact he simply couldn't understand where you were trying to get "You can't! Hvitserk you can't be docked in life forever! Your brothers are far away from you now! Björn is not a reference because he's far older than you, but Ubbe... Ubbe is already the father of two. Sigurd will be a father soon and even Ivar's wife is already holding his baby! Now, look at me!" you pointed your flat belly, furiously touching your dress, pressing it in your hands, agonized "I'm empty! I'm dry, Hvitserk! Dry as a branch under the summer sun or a leaf in the autumn! I simply can't produce you any children and it's making you late! Your spring is going away without any seeds planted to the future! I'm... I'm a dry piece of land you should abandon to find another before is too late for your life to grow..." you broke down, sitting in bed, sobbing.

And his expression finally eased, understanding your agony, comprehensive when you wanted him to get angry, to hate you for pushing him behind his little brothers.

He sat by your side and passed his hand over your shoulders, pulling you towards his chest when you wanted him to accept your ask for the divorce and leave you for someone else who could give him a future.

There he was, being a good husband and a sweet companion once again, kissing the top of your head as you sobbed helplessly against his chest. He turned himself to you, embracing your shaking body against his, silently holding all your tears until your sobs were low and you could breathe again.

Then, his voice sounded low, so full of tenderness and the endless love he seemed to have for you.

"I'm not hurrying, Y/N," he said, and before you could say anything, he lifted your chin up for you to look at him "And I'm not late either. The gods will choose the time when they want you to bear my children as they chose the time to show me you were the one they wanted me to get married to".

"Hvitserk…" you insisted, but he touched your lips with his thumb, softly caressing your lower lip while looking tenderly into your eyes.

"I won't get another, Y/N," he stated, a little smile on his lips as his fingers kept the sweet caresses to your chin and lips "I won't leave you. I'll keep trying to make our dreams come true because I dream with you. I dream about you. And that was why I chose you and not Margrethe or any other women I could have: because my heart told me it was you. It is you, Y/N. I'll stay. I'll keep you by my side. And we'll try again and again, again and again, and one more time and how many times are necessary until the gods think I'm worthy of a son of yours. Because I don't want to be a father, Y/N. I want to be the father of your children. I want you to be the mother of any children I have. Because I love you, sweet Y/N. Put it in your mind," he said, touching your forehead with his index before touching it with his forehead "I love you. You and you only".

"Your brothers are mocking on you! And this is all my fault!" you mourned, feeling when he softly kissed your forehead and embraced you once again, supportive.

"My brothers mock on me the same way I do with them. We are brothers, my sweet wife, we mock on each other and I'm not like Ivar who doesn't understand this. Sigurd calls me idle, I call him lazy, we call Ivar a grumpy, Ubbe a rabbit and we keep telling Björn to take his dick out of his eyes and stop seeding every woman he sees. We are brothers, my love. That's what brothers do," he said, smiling.

Seeming not to be so touched by Sigurd's words that were so harsh to your ears.

However, there was still a heavy stone weighing into your heart.

"What if I never get pregnant, Hvitserk?" you said, genuinely afraid. "What if I'm not able to give you children?”

He sighed, caressing your hair, kissing the top of your head and cradling you softly.

"Then the gods shall find another way to give us children and my name descendants. Didn't Björn raise Guthrum? The gods will find their way."

It was clearly something he didn't want to think about. He would condemn his entire life because of you and if you weren't able to have children he yet would stay and kill his spring by your side. You couldn't let it happen with your beloved Hvitserk.

"I wanna see the Seer," you stated "I wanna see the Wise One and if he tells us I can't have children then you will take another wife. I may stay, if you want it so bad, Hvitserk, but you may take me a sister wife or a slave to bear you children of yours and I will not accept a negative answer!" you imposed when he sighed frowning those eyebrows in a way you knew he would question your decision "You're Hvitserk, son of Ragnar Lothbrok! Your seed is not weak and you're not idle! Enough of people thinking like this. Your children will see this world, through me… Or through another. It is decided".

Hvitserk wasn't happy with your decision, you knew. But you couldn't allow him to remain dry. It would hurt you to see him resting in another's arms, but you wouldn't deny him what he deserved. And maybe a sister wife wouldn't be so bad. It would be good to have some company while your husband was raiding with his brothers since you had no children to enlighten your life in his absence.

You straightened your dress and placed your cloak over your shoulders, seeing Hvitserk doing the same, a little bothered. And you two left the house towards the Seer's cabin where the strange figure you respected so much for your entire life was walking around the house, lighting some candles and herbs.

"Ancient one…" you said, taking a seat while Hvitserk remained standing by your side.

"Hvitserk, third son of Ragnar Lothbrok. And his wife, Y/N, the impatient one." He said, turning himself towards you and causing Hvitserk's frowned face to relax into a principle of smile "You came all the way here for something you already know. Or at least, with all the signs, you should have seen already".

The smile in died in the corner of Hvitserk's lips and you felt your throat closing.

Heavy tears poured from your eyes and you got up, running away from the tent before Hvitserk could hold you or prevent you to leave.

"Y/N!" he called.

But you didn't turn back, running towards the little beach you knew wasn't so far from there.

Hvitserk prepared to leave the tent when the laugh of the Ancient One reached his ears, causing him to look back at him, face frowning in an angry expression that only made the Seer laugh a little longer.

"Young fools. Your wife is blind. Will you be blind as well, son of Ragnar?" the ancient said, causing Hvitserk's face to contort in doubt and confusion.

If you were blind, then maybe, the answer you were seeing wasn't the real answer. But something was escaping Hvitserk's mind and it made the Seer smile in his direction.

"It would be easier if you were the mind, but you are the strength, the bravery, the guts. Ragnar Lothbrok can be seen through his sons and his mind is crippled, hungry prince. It is never that simple as we think it is… Never the easy way. But the signs are everywhere." He said, confusing Hvitserk a little more while coming back to his chores.

This was the reason why Hvitserk never liked to see the Wise One! He barely could understand the words that man was speaking!

"Why don't you tell me the answer? You're not helping me!" Hvitserk complained, annoyed.

And the Seer turned himself towards him one more time.

"Why should I talk about something that's already in your face, young prince? I am the blind man in this room and I already saw it in her tears when she made her way through my door. Your answers are in her. Now leave. I have nothing to tell you that she can't say by herself".

Even more confused than when he got into that tent, Hvitserk licked the hand the Seer extended towards him and left after you, knowing you would be near the sea.

You were always near the sea when you were sad or crying – something he had to admit: he didn't see too often. You were always a strong woman, sometimes even holding your tears in situations no one would condemn you for crying.

But there you were, sobbing like a child once again, this time in the sand of the beach, looking at the sea.

Hvitserk's mind making him think that in the last month, it wasn't the first time he was taking you in that beach. To be honest, it was already the fourth… Stopping to think, you weren't eating properly as well. And it happened since Blaeja commented she was thinking funny her baby was always more agitated when you were near her at the table.

"Maybe she's with child! People say children can feel each other…"

You cried a river that day and discretely started sitting away from Blaeja at the table to avoid her baby to be agitated because of you.

With your change of positions, he lost the attention, but looking back into his memories, you weren't really filling your plates the same way you used to, even rejecting the herb bread you loved so much – even he being sure and warranting you it wasn't tasting strange as you said not far from that day.

You were strange. It was a fact.

Hvitserk sat beside you at the sand, but didn't hug you as he was intending initially; instead, forcing his mind to work on that information somehow the Seer's words brought to the light in his thoughts.

"The signs are everywhere".

Was it what he was talking about? All these changes on your behavior? Since when did it start?

"Fuck", he cursed mentally. It would be so easier if he was Ivar with his brilliance! But even Ivar used to come out of the Seer's tent dizzy. Like he did when…

"That's it!" he exclaimed causing your crying face to look at him surprised. "The last raid! It started around a month after I came back from the last raid. You started rejecting your favorite herb bread, you said Freydis perfume was making you sick, you started sitting away from Blaeja last week and you're crying easier than never! And it started a month after I came back from the last…" his voice failed and he looked at you.

Your face was frowned, really dizzy with his aleatory words when he got up, extending his hand towards you.

"Come with me. I think I know what you need".

"Hvitserk," you tried, but he just extended his hand towards you a little more.

"Trust me!" he asked, helping you to lift yourself up when you accepted his hand and starting to walk towards the city.

His steps firm towards a place you stopped before coming into.

"No! I won't do it to myself!" you stated, seeing when Hvitserk's steps turned towards the midwife's tent. "Enough, Hvitserk! We tried the more we could! You heard the Seer: with all the signs, I should have seen it already! I can't have children, Hvitserk!"

"And what sign did you seen towards this answer, Y/N? Except for the fact that we tried a long time without a result, there is no other sign of anything! However, you're blind as he said! You can't see what's in front of your eyes and all the signs around you show me something only a midwife can confirm to me. So please, come into this tent with me, trust me one more time and if I'm wrong, if all the signs I saw are pointing the wrong place, we'll leave this tent to the slave market and you'll choose me a slave to bear my children as you said I should do. And I will never question you about this subject once again. But I need this answer. I need to see if I'm right. Please, only one more time, trust me, Y/N" he asked, holding both of your hands.

Bringing tears to your eyes once again when your heart clenched into your chest.

Visit a midwife's tent. A tent you, with your dry womb, would never be able to really visit for the right reasons. Almost a torture Hvitserk was asking you to go into, for him.

What wouldn't you do for him?

You followed his lead going into the tent with tears pouring down your face as Hvitserk conduced you to the bed of furs they had to their visitors to seat. And the midwife came, smiling at him.

"My prince…"

"Can you do me a favor? Tell me how is it possible to know if a woman is with child?" he asked, causing you to lower your head.

But even in face of your tears, the midwife smiled coming near you.

"There are some classical symptoms, my prince, like she'll probably feel sick and different, maybe depressed or too smiley, her skin and hair will become brighter and smoother" she explained, touching your hair for him to understand "She might feel hungrier or less hunger than she is usually and surely she'll stop bleeding."

"Anything else?" he insisted.

"Her belly may be firmer in the first months of her pregnancy, not so soft or smooth as it is usually," she said, giving you a wiper for your tears "Is everything ok, my princess?" she asked, worried.

But Hvitserk kneeled in front of you as you cleaned your tears and looked at your eyes.

"You're not dry, Y/N. You're with child!" he sentenced, causing the midwife to smile and you to look at him completely surprised with that affirmation.

"What?" you said "Are you insane, Hvitserk? Didn't you hear what the Seer said?"

"I did! He called you ‘impatient one'" Hvitserk started, trying to make your brain to work as his was working over all that information "And he said you were there for an answer you should already know with all the signs around you. All the signs, Y/N, not a single sign. When you left, he told me you're blind and asked me if I would be blind as well. He said my father can be seen through his sons and that I'm the guts and my father's mind is crippled. It, I know, means I'm the heir of father's ferocity in battle and his courage to face the things ahead, but Ivar inherited his mind and his ability to see things and think straight. It would be easier for me to see what I saw If I had Ivar's mind, so it took me a little more time to put the signs together, but as he said, the signs are everywhere, Y/N."

Hvitserk held your hands, continuing that strange speech that was starting to make sense in your head as well.

"The Seer told me he saw the answer in your tears when you came into his tent and also that my answer was in you, so I came all the way to that beach trying to see in you the answer to my questions. And there it is: in your tears, Y/N. You don't cry that much! You never cried that much but in the last month, this was the fourth time I went to that beach to find you crying, for many reasons. And to remember it, made me remember Blaeja's words about you and her baby becoming agitated in her belly when you came near her. You started seating away from her at the table, but I also noticed you're not eating properly. And you started refusing your favorite herb bread. There is nothing wrong with the bread!" he said.

"Is strange!" you insisted "someone must have changed the recipe! Is tasting like shit!"

"No," Hvitserk smiled "Is not, Y/N. You're feeling a different taste. So, as you're feeling sick with Freydis' perfume and you're the only one who can't stand be by her side when she's using it. My love, can't you see? The Seer told me he saw the answer in your tears... In your tears, Y/N! You never cried this much! You were never so emotional! It is clear as water, but..."

His eyes went to the midwife and she smiled again looking at you.

"May I?"

Her hand ready to exam your lower belly.

You looked at Hvitserk with tons of agony in your eyes. All the hope in his killing you inside.

If it went wrong, you would never be able to recover from the deception.

And with all the hope in his glare and on the smile he couldn't help himself from open, you knew neither would him.

He saw the fear in your eyes and caressed your face.

"I know. I know I may be betting everything and I know what we can lose, but Y/N... Look at me, look deeply into my eyes and tell me it doesn't make any sense for you. Tell me nothing I said makes any sense into your mind? Love... One last time... For us." he asked, fighting with his entire strength to keep what you two had with each other.

To keep the love and the marriage he never wanted to see broken.

How could you deny anything he wanted?

You laid down your head on his chest and nodded, giving permission for the midwife to touch your body, feeling when she started untying your cloth to expose your lower belly and softly touch it, making little careful pressures as if she could hurt anything in you with more of her strength.

With your face hidden in Hvitserk's neck, you felt her fingers touching and running your belly, making some few pressures until something different happened. She pressed a certain spot under your bellybutton and you felt your entire interior moving as if she was pressing a firm small ball swollen into your body.

She made it again, touching one of your sides and the strange ball moved to the opposite side she was pressing, making a small, almost invisible little mound in your skin.

"Lay down, please, my princess," she asked and Hvitserk helped you to lay down at the furs with your belly up for her to see.

But as soon as you laid, she smiled, touching your belly with both of her hands, surrounding that strange swollen volume in your belly and showing the area to Hvitserk's interested eyes.

"Can you see this little volume? Can you feel how firm it is, my princess?" she asked and you looked at her, not understanding what was that until the words came out of her mouth "It is too young yet, you shall care for yourself with great attention, my princess, for this is your inside, swollen with my prince's child".

Hvitserk's smile became wider than you never see and he laughed, getting up, celebrating.

"I told you! I told you, Y/N! The signs were everywhere!" he said, like a foolish boy, laughing off his own foolishness, causing the midwife to laugh when he went out of the tent, screaming to the whole Kattegat to hear.

"She's with child! I gonna have a child!"

The midwife helped you to close your dress and sit, smiling at your shocked expression.

"Is true, my princess." she said "I have no reason to lie. Your belly is full with prince Hvitserk's child" she affirmed once again and you looked at your belly so flat, so small, but firm into you with something you haven't noticed yet, but now, was so clear to your touch.

"You must be careful and tender when touching your belly now. And also, don't miss your meals. The baby will need everything he can for growing healthy into you" she continued explaining and you looked at her, confused.

"I thought I was supposed to... feel something... I... I can barely see..." you started and she giggled of your innocence.

"Some pregnant women come here with six or seven moons of pregnancy and nothing but a small hip, my lady. Your hips will change. Only forward there will be some belly for you to see."

Hvitserk came back into the tent, celebration sounds and his messy hair indicating everyone around was celebrating prince Hvitserk's news.

The smile in his face was never so beautiful and he kneeled in front of you when you got up, touching the little firmness in your belly with so much care.

"Welcome, my child," he mumbled, kissing your belly and getting up to cup your face and kiss you softly, touching his forehead against yours, passionately nuzzling his nose with yours. "Never lose hope, my love. And never ask me what you asked me once again. Never ask me to leave you for anyone else. For any reason. Because I love you, Y/N. With or without a child I would and I will always love you, my love. You made me a happy man, Y/N. As I always knew you would make".

He pulled you into a hug and then lifted you up to his arms, kissing you softly, nestling your body to his.

One of your hands softly landed over your belly, still absorbing how good was to feel your desires growing into you.

"We must make the sacrifices. For thanking Frey and Freya for finally listen to my prayers" you said, smiling.

Seeing Hvitserk nodding, happily taking you home in his arms with the men around patting his shoulders sometimes in the way to the Hall.

"And Sigurd shall have to find another way to mock you" you continued, causing him to laugh that way you loved so bad to see him laughing.

"He'll gonna have to come back to the 'gluttony' cause this prince here is not the idle anymore" he joked.

Bringing joy and relief to your heart.

After all, the Seer was right once again. You were impatient.

And everything would be ok.

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