#freddy gets serious about the grinch

[clown-bait]

A Very Monster Christmas (Monster Roommate AU) Pt2

WOWW I finally got this out. This one was hard cause theres so much dialogue and I’ve also been dealing with a lot of vacations and work shit going on in my personal life. Finally getting this done though! Lots of Freddy in this chapter. 

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Gifts

Charles Lee Ray sat up from his bed with a scream. The doll frantically checked his body where moments ago clown/vampire hell spawn had been tearing into his rubber synthetic skin. His wife groaned and rolled over greedily pulling the sheets with her, it was too damn early to deal with Chucky’s bullshit.

“J-just a dream just a fuckin’ dream” he mumbled Tiff flipped onto her back and stared at the ceiling through her eye mask. “It’s six in the damn morning Chucky” she growled.

“I’m gonna go downstairs and everything will be fine and normal and Fangs will be smoking a bowl and not filled with demons.”

“Chucky.”

“And they wont explode out of her and eat me alive.”

“Chucky!”

“And Jingles wont be fuckin’ laughing at me”

“CHUCKY!!” Tiff ripped off her eye mask as she sat up. “IT’S SIX IN THE FUCKING MORNING.”

The killer doll stared shocked and silent at his enraged spouse.

“Go back to sleep.” she grumbled as she attempted to lay down again.

“Look its a valid fear.” Chucky began to ramble and Tiff’s eyes slowly rolled back open. “You saw what happened when we had the twins!! Think about what their hell-spawn will look like!”

“Most of what happened was your fault dear.”

“Ok but Jingles and Fangs are both twice as unstable as we are! At least I don't look at a fuckin toddler and think breakfast!”

“I think you’re letting him get to you. By the way did you tell the clown the kids are coming?” Tiff asked deciding that going back to sleep wasn't an option at this point. Chucky’s eyes went wide.

“Fuck.”

“YOU FORGOT?! If he tries to eat them you're gonna be in a load of trouble!”

“Tiff! it'll be fine! At the worst he’ll just eat Glenn and thats not so bad is it?”

“CHUCKY!”

“All right, all right! I’ll let him know sheesh.”

The doll slipped on a Christmas sweater depicting some sort of reindeer gang bang and shuffled down the stairs of the old house. He heard a loud pleasured groan coming from the couch which usually meant one of two unsavory things in this house both of which Chucky would rather not witness.

“Hey Jingles put your dick away my kids are coming over!” he shouted down from the middle of the stairs deciding that proceeding any further would result in seeing something that would ruin his holiday before it even began. The doll was answered with a gruff swear and grumbling.

“Did you hear me clown?” he called down the steps again.

“Shut up Chuck I'm trying to enjoy my holiday!” a shout called out through the rotting halls.

“Krueger? The fuck are you doing here?” Chucky groaned walking down the stairs and into the room then quickly turned around and swore when he saw the scene on the couch.

“Getting laid jackass what does it look like?” Freddy grumbled zipping up his pants as Chris popped his head up his hair a total sweaty mess under Freddy’s signature fedora.

“You have your own damn house for that shit! Where the fuck is Jingles?” the doll turned away. Great holiday already ruined.

“He’s throwing up with Fangs in the basement.”

“And here I thought you were the freak.” Chucky rolled his eyes.

“He is.” Chris added wiping his mouth.

“Oh come on Chrissy you haven't been complaining.” the dream demon swung a clawed hand over his shoulders in a way that came off more as threatening than affectionate. His knife tipped fingers dug slightly into the humans shirt and a disgusting rotten tongue peaked out from between Freddy’s ruined lips.

“I’m fucking you cause I have nothing left.” Chris flinched at Freddy’s touch.

“Isn’t he great?” the dream demon grinned.

“Yeah pretty sure you traumatized this guy.” Chucky folded his arms over his chest

“Nah Fangs traumatized him, I just cleaned up her mess and stole her leftovers.”

“Your friends are awful people.” Chris hissed at Freddy.

“You’re not wrong buddy! Speaking of I need to find Jingles before he eats my kids or whatever.” Chucky turned to make his way to the kitchen.

“Wow you're a real model parent Chuck.” Freddy called after him striking a nerve.

“Like you know anything about being a dad.” The doll turned around and snapped.

“I do! I was great at it!” Freddy leaned back clicking on the old tv.

“Didn’t your kid try to kill you?” Chucky squinted.

“Didn’t your’s?” Freddy cocked a ruined brow.

“I’m sensing a trend here within our community and our parenting abilities.” the doll said deep in thought.

“So how long do you think Jingles and Fangs will last?” Freddy smirked placing his hands over his head.

“I’ll give em a week.” Chucky laughed.

“Eleven minutes.” Chris chimed in and Freddy laughed.

“Harsh Chrissy. You're probably right.”

“Wellp I’ve lost focus back to bed for me.” Chucky stretched and yawned.

“You’re not going to tell Jingles to forgo the Christmas dinner? Tiff’s gonna cut your nuts off.” Freddy began making a dramatic snipping motion with his claws inches from his human’s nose for dramatic effect.

“Eh knowing Glenda she’ll probably scare him first.”

Freddy laughed and placed his arm around his captive once again as the movie he was looking for began to play. “There goes a very brave and stupid man Chrissy.”

“Fuck you too Fred.”

———————————————

“Hey Pen? Is there any way you can make me forget that?” Leech groaned her back against the clown’s as the pair waited for the nausea to die down in the basement. One of his eyes peeled open and a single molten pupil rolled back in her direction. Pennywise let out a long disgusted growl at the memory he'd just received.

“I’d like to do the same for myself” he finally muttered out and felt a chuckle vibrate against him.

“Well I got the next best thing if you’re interested.”

The eldritch exhaled a gravely sigh “For once, I'm not in the mood.”

“Yeah wasn't talking about that Pen. Sheesh and you say my mind is the one that’s always in the gutter!”

“It is.”

The clown sat up and turned his head to his mate as she pushed off him to walk over to a pile of ancient junk. Penny began making clicking vocalizations indicating interest and skittered up to her the sound of insectile limbs that weren't there trailed behind him as he moved. His noises got louder and Leech felt a large presence behind her trying to nose its way into what she was doing. The vampire batted the giant beast away.

“No peeking big guy and no mind reading this is a surprise.” she scolded him Pennywise grumbled and turned around as she dug into her hiding place. He began to ponder how she was able to get past him when suddenly he got an idea and a faint glow began to illuminate from his eyes. “You have no idea how hard it was to keep this from you, I wanted to give it to you at the end of the celebrations but Fred had to go and be gross.” she rambled not even noticing that her mate had vanished. “I know you collect this shit so I threatened and tortured several people to get this done since you're incredibly hard to shop for.” she continued to ramble to nothing as she pulled out a large flat gift.

“Ok you can look n-Pen?” the nosferatu looked around behind her. “Pennywise?” she called out to him but got no response. “Oh come on I worked really hard on this!” Leech snarled in frustration. “Pen for real this is important to me where the fuck did you go?” after more silence the vampire sent a cacophony of curses into the air before letting out a frustrated screech. Leech felt her vision blur and her offspring threaten to take hold of her again as her temper flared. She grabbed her abdomen and fought them back. “Kids mamma loves you, but we have got to talk about our tantrums.” she grated out against their hold on her, trying to calmly slide Penny’s gift under her arm and climb up the stairs of the basement.

“I take back what I said about your father being a good mate, fucker has the attention span of a goldfish.” she felt a swell in her mind and slammed the door a little too hard behind her. “What don't agree with me? Please don't tell me you've already inherited his superiority complex, some of you gotta be at least a little like me to balance this household out.”

“WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO FANGS?” Freddy yelled from the couch.

“My spawn Freddy go back to getting your dick sucked!” she snarled at the dream demon.

“Man those kids are going to be fucked up!” he laughed “I’m already finished with that anyway get in here were watching Grinch!” Freddy heard a sigh and Leech grumpily placed the unopened christmas gift by the tree before flopping next to her friend and the man who cut off her finger only a few hours ago.  

“So you're dating someone.” the vampire side eyed the dream demon and made a face when she saw he hadn't bothered to put pants back on.

“You can talk to me too you know I'm right here.” Chris grumbled.

“I’m fucking someone theres a difference Fangs.” He huffed.

“If you were just fucking you wouldn't have brought him home.”

“Wow again right here-”

“Be grateful I didn't eat you too Chris.” Leech snapped.

“What a surprise, the vampire is getting moody. This is why Im fucking a human way less bitchy.” Freddy rolled his eyes and cleaned his fingernails with his claws.

Leech hissed low in her throat as her upper lip twitched over her fangs in warning. Chris quivered a bit in fear remembering the last time he heard such noises. Her mere presence alone made him even more uneasy in this house now it sounded like she was about to snap again.

“I-I oh god how did I end up here what have I done.…” the human ran his fingers through his hair and Freddy rolled his eyes. Great another damn break down.

“All right babe deep breath daddy Freddys here shhh.”

Leech looked up from the dusty decrepit tv “Wellp I’m leaving.”

“Oh yeah like I don't have to endure this all the time from you!”

“Daddy really?”

“You call the clown Snuggle Muffin!”

“Yeah when were alone. By the way Chris, Fred can regrow his fingers. Do me a favor since you owe me one and put him in his place.”

“Sheesh you're grumpy Fangs” Freddy rolled his eyes and placed his gloved hand around the human that Leech was pretty sure experiencing some form of Stockholm syndrome.

“All my friends are dead.”

“Did we traumatize him?” she asked the dream demon.

“I dunno probably. Rides a dick like a slut though!”

“Well I'm glad someones having a Merry Christmas.”

“Hey fangs do me a favor and open the damn red box already I'm getting real tired of your moping. Put up with that enough from Drac.”

“What?”

“Look behind you moron.”

Leech glanced behind her and saw a perfectly wrapped gift sitting in the center of the archway a balloon tied to it sitting unnaturally still in the dim light of the house.

“That motherfucker!” the vampire swore as she stood to pick up the package. It was impossibly light in her hands and there was a little tag hanging off the end. The nosferatu gently opened it and her scowl shifted into a warm smile

Me first Peachy.

It read in poor crimson handwriting with a smiling heart shaped balloon in the corner. The nosferatu’s un-beating heart was practically singing as she tore off the wrapping. She didn't even expect Pennywise to participate and yet he got her a gift! Leech lifted the lid and was flung backwards as something enormous sprung from the present like a giant demonic jack in the box. IT cackled with glee through its horrible rows of sharp teeth as it shot up almost too big to fit in the room. Leech scampered back in surprise and shock claws tearing into the couch as she screamed in reflex to being caught completely off guard.

“I AM GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU” she yelled at the cackling clown that was swaying back and forth holding his sides. Behind her Freddy snorted joining in on the laughter and chris had fainted from shock. “That was fuckin amazing Jingles!” the dream demon shouted to the clown who couldn't stop his cackling.

“YOUR KIDS ARE GOING TO GROW UP FATHERLESS CAUSE I’M GOING TO KICK YOUR RUFFLED ASS ALL THE WAY BACK TO WHATEVER HOLE YOU CRAWLED OUT OF YOU MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF- whats this?” Leech began to scream at him but stopped when a huge box was presented to her, the fang filled grin on her clown growing even wider.

“Take iT!” the beast hissed.

“I don’t trust you anymore” Leech narrowed her eyes at him.

“Take iiiitttt!!!”

“If anything jumps out at me or bites me or screams at me I am not letting you have the second half of your present.”

“Mouth or ass Fangs?!” came a shout from the couch.

“FREDDY I SWEAR TO GOD! ……………….mouth….”

“Heh nice.”

Penny’s smile closed in realization “Wait ass is an option now?”

“We’re not going there.” Leech sighed not wanting to discuss THAT again with him. She opened the large case then quickly shut it. “PEN! This is a fucking guitar case!”

“Oh shit looks like Jingles is getting both tonight eh sweet lips?!” Freddy elbowed the dazed and traumatized human who was currently questioning every choice he had made in the last twenty four hours.

“I only had to threaten one person to get your gift” Penny smirked, finally climbing out of the small red box and shrinking back to what could be considered normal size. He shook himself a bit and begun to fix his hair “Your servant scares easy, I almost made a meal of him.” he snickered while twirling the top of his baby curl into place. “Well go on then play us a tune Peachy.” he grinned a little too satisfied with himself for Leech not to be suspicious.

Leech took the instrument out of its case and inspected it carefully. She certainly wasn't amazing at guitar but after traveling with a band for so long she picked up the ability to play a few songs. Her fingers ran up along the neck and brushed a small chain she quickly pulled her hand back in fear that it was another trick from the clown. Which it was judging from the excited grin on Penny’s face as his mate’s fingers traced solid gold chain.

Leech glanced up and glared at him. “What the fuck is this? Where the hell did you get this Pen?”

Pennywise placed his finger on her cool lips stopping the confused swearing from pouring from her mouth. The clown gave her a cheesy wink and with his other hand reached into his ruff. He gave a quick tug and plucked out an ancient tarnished silver bell which he presented to her in his palm not saying a word. Penny’s great blue eyes seared into hers in anticipation as Leech reached to take it but pulled her hand back with a hiss when the silver singed her skin. Pennywise seemed caught off guard then came to a realization swiping the gold chain from his mates hands. His large fingers closed around both objects and squeezed when he opened them the bell shined gold like his eyes before the kill. Pennywise fastened the bell to the necklace and held it up again this time with his signature goofy smile in place. “Pen seriously what is this?” Leech asked quietly now as she took the necklace and slipped it on.

“For you.” the clown grinned wider. “It’s part of me!”

“Just get married already!” Freddy yelled from the couch turning up the volume of the old tv.

“You motherfucker you know how I feel about sappy shit.” the nosferatu grinned twirling the bell in her fingers “Well? Go on get over here.” she smirked glancing up at him. Penny snaked his arms around his mate and held her against him “I hate you” the vampire mumbled into his costume rubbing her nose into his chest. “I hate you too.” Pennywise replied warmly he pulled her back and leaned in but Leech stopped his lips from pressing into hers.

“Hold that thought! I need to finally give you yours!”

“This is disgusting, were trying to watch a movie here!”

“Oh yeah says the guy who just moments ago was getting sucked off on my couch!” The vampire flipped Freddy’s hat off his head as she passed by him.

“At least we weren't doing any romcom crap!” He called after her

“You could always get out of my house.” the clown grumbled

“Nah I keep my bong here! Plus your sofa’s more comfortable than that victorian era piece of junk Drac has.”

“You people and your antique furniture. Ikea exists you know!” Chris grumbled.

“I’m cultivating eeriness human, also there better not be any stains Krueger.” Penny snarled.

“Like you'd be able to tell Jingles, this thing could probably get someone pregnant just by sitting on it…..wait is that what happened to you Fangs?”

Leech rolled her eyes at him while shoving her gift into Penny’s arms. “Freddy for once in your life just shut up.”

the clown clicked and rumbled tearing open the package with claws and teeth. then held the large frame out in front of him. “the derry circus!” he said excitedly and he viewed the poster. “featuring me!” he giggled with pride at the picture of his likeness grinning back at him and beckoning for someone to step closer.

“Had it custom done! Its not as amazing as what you gave me but I hope you like it.” Leech leaned back against the edge of the sofa behind her overly pleased with herself. Pennywise set the frame down and stalked forward pinning his mate against the couch with his hips long limbs wrapping around her. “You’ve given me plenty.” He grinned placing his large hand on her abdomen. “I didn't plan on that part.” the vampire smirked thumbing his ruffles in her fingers. “Comere asshole.” Leech hissed and pulled his ruffles. The clown leaned down and kissed her dipping her back so she could wrap her legs around him as he explored her mouth.

“Look I'm not complaining about the sex but this asshole’s about to swoop in and ruin Cindy Lou Hoo’s day and you two tend to get way too loud.”

Pennywise bit down on his mate’s lip then sunk his teeth into her neck bucking his hips sharply against her making Leech moan. “Ahhh! Penny!!” she shouted enthusiastically.

“I’m warning you Jingles if I miss the damn song I'm gonna be pissed!”

Penny clamped down harder and growled, loudly smacking Leech’s ass through her thin pajama shorts. The vampire hissed in response spurring her mate on to make deep lust filled vocalizations into her skin.

“FINE FUCK YOU THEN! Come on Chris if we hurry we can at least catch the ending.” the dream demon grumbled and yanked the human up who was eager to leave. A moment after their departure the vampires eyes flew open.

“Are they gone?” Leech panted claws running through her clowns hair. Penny grunted and retracted his fangs from her flesh. “Fuckin finally, the couch is ours!” she shouted hopping over the side. “I’m telling ya if I had to sit through The Grinch one more time this week I’d probably go postal.” Pennywise grumbled in agreement and stretched his back shaking himself out his after his spine made a series of loud pops and cracks. “That sounded terrible.” Leech commented thumbing through her movie collection.

“You kept me waiting in that box forever.”

“Aaawww does Pennywhine need a back rub?”

The impossibly tall monster leaned over the edge of the couch to glare at her. Leech grinned up at him and tapped him on the nose with a dvd sticking her tongue out to mock him. Penny snarled and lunged over the edge of the couch at her the two aggressively wrestling trying to pin the other against the sofa. Pennywise was on his way to victory as per-usual, when he saw his own eye color flash through Leech’s glossy blues. Suddenly his back was against the old couch claws pinned against the top his eyes narrowed at his captor.

“Using my offspring against me is cheating!” he snarled at her.

“Cheating? I call it leveling the playing field!” Leech scoffed. She planted an obnoxiously rough kiss on his lips and released him flopping over to the side and crossing her legs over the eldritch’s. The vampire picked up her white and black guitar and thumbed out a cheesy romantic christmas tune, softly singing aloud. Pennywise watched her for a moment taking note of the soft glow peeking out from under her shirt almost flashing to the rhythm of the music. She had a belly full of future dancing clowns. He smiled to himself, leaning back and shutting his eyes. In this moment things were absolutely perfect.

All until there was a honk and a banging at his front door.

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Awww Pen’s so nice when he wants to be. 

[queenmaracasandlove]

You Make Me Cry - Joe Mazzello x F!Reader - SMUT

Word Count: +:-3100

Summary: You finally watch Bohemian Rhapsody but you cry quite a lot and the next morning your eyes are overly puffy. He makes fun of you and has his very own way to make you feel better (wink wink)

Warnings: Oral sex, swearing

A/N: So… This is very stupid and not my best work but it was kind of inspired by a story: mine, because I’m a complete mess. Except I just had to get on with my ridiculous face and go to work and uni… Tell me what you think :D 

MASTERLIST

Permanent taglist: @reedusteinrambles

You and Joe had not been dating for long, only a few months but it was going great. You had met while he was filming Bohemian Rhapsody. You were a huge fan of the band and you had managed to be an extra in one of the scenes just so you could be part of the experience. You were only on set for two days but he had come to ask for your number and things had started this way.

Because of your work back in London you had not been able to join him for the premiere and you never had seen the film even when it was in theatres, you just could not. It would have made you miss him too much to see him on the big screen while he was on the other side of the ocean. You had waited until you would be together or at least not to far so you could tell him all about your feelings right away. You had joined him in his N.Y. home during your holidays, you had not seen him for a while. He tried to come and see you as much as he could but it wasn’t that easy. 

Because of the jet lag you had woken up in the middle of the night, slowly sneaking out of bed. You did not want to wake him and watched him sleep for a few minutes. He looked so calm when he was asleep, so peaceful. You suddenly wished you could wake up to that sight every time you wanted to. Feeling that you were not going to get back to sleep just yet you went to the living room. You helped yourself with a glass of orange juice and looked at the different shelves, he had quite an impressive collection of DVDs. You found the BoRhap one and decided that it was probably time to watch it. 

Queen meant so much to you and it had for so long. You had grown up listening to their music and Freddie Mercury had always been one of your heroes. So from the start you knew this movie was not going to be easy for you to watch because you clearly knew how it ended. You were such a softy and cried very easily so somehow you were happy to watch it while Joe was still asleep. You decided to watch it on your computer so you could put your earphones on and not make any noise. The last thing you wanted was to be disturbed during your viewing.

                                                   -------------------

You were now a complete mess. The film had not ended yet but your were crying your heart out, tears pouring down on your cheeks. You were completely sobbing. In fact your were not even watching the movie anymore because the tears were completely blurring your vision. You were not even trying to be over dramatic, you were just crushed by your feelings and your love for Freddie Mercury, amazed by his talent and angry at his destiny. You had so many comments to make about the movie but clearly it was still good enough to make you feel that much emotions.

You had tried to be as silent as possible but because of the earphones you had not realise that your sobs had resonated in the silent flat. It was the final scene, the Live Aid concert and you tried to compose yourself, hardly succeeding. Your nose was completely red and your eyes were hurting from so much crying and even as the credits started to roll, your eyes were still wet. You closed your laptop and took out the earphones. You had to take a minute to get it all in. It was just a movie, and an inaccurate one but some things were also true, and not the most pleasing ones.

You were finally able to calm down when you heard someone laughing behind you and that scared you to death.

“That’s probably the funniest thing I’ve ever seen but also the cutest” Joe said, looking at you

You turned back in shock and frowned immediately. You saw him hiding his phone behind his back and were pretty sure he had taken a picture of you ugly crying. You would have liked to say something but you were still controlling the emotions running through you. Seeing that you were still recovering and truly affected your boyfriend smiled and came to take you in his arms. It was nothing bad or awful but there was real sadness in you. It was like saying goodbye to an old friend, Freddie Mercury had been such a role model for you during your entire life. You enjoyed the hug and buried your face in Joe’s chest.

“I’d never thought you’d react like that. I’ve seen you crying in front of stupid things but that is something else”

That made you laugh a little. He had already made fun of you once as you had teared but in front of some reality tv show, just because it involved a grandpa and that made you weaker than anything.

“It’s just. You know Freddie and all. I’m too sensitive”

“I know. That’s sweet, don’t worry about it” he said, kissing the top of your head

You suddenly realised that you were probably looking like a big mess and you tried to wipe your face in your sleeves.

“You know that’s my sweater you’re wearing right?” Joe asked

“Not anymore”

“Well… Not like I want it back now that it’s got your snort all over it”

“It’s called tears Joe. And you’d better get used to it, I’m a big thief”

“I know that. You already stole my heart hey”

He didn’t care that you were looking like a complete mess between the crying and the lack of sleep, he found you cute anyway, beautiful even. He loved how sensitive you were and not afraid to show your emotions. You pecked his lips softly, so happy to have him in your life. You were at peace now that you were in his arms. The distance between the two of you was not making things easy but you were dealing with it in the best way that you could. You knew his life was here and that was fine. You might be considering moving across the Pond one day but it was too early. As much as you loved him you did not want to get ahead of yourself.

“Joe?”

“Yes babe?”

“I know you’ve taken pictures. Don’t you even dare put them on social media am I clear?”

He pretended to be offended although you knew just looking at him that you were right. You had agreed on becoming public a few weeks ago but that did not mean you wanted to have your crying face all over the internet. As he was not answering you pointed your finger at him.

“Am I clear Joseph Francis Mazzello III?”

“But..”

“No but. Just think about it one more time and my ass will be on the next plane back to London”

“Okay. What about I don’t put anything online and your grinch self just goes with me to bed. It’s the middle of the night and I would love to spend some time with my girlfriend during the day while she’s here so we better go back to sleep now.”

You would have loved to argue but you knew he was completely right. You were knackered and you had to fight the jet lag if you wanted to be able to be awake and do some sightseeing with Joe as he promised you. After all it was your first time in New York and you wanted to make the most out of it and of your time with your boyfriend.  You got up with him and followed him in the bedroom. You rubbed your eyes a few times, getting rid of all that was left before spooning Joe with much strength. He loved how needy you were sometimes. He grabbed your hands that were around his chest and kissed them before saying “goodnighté. You could barely believe that you were here with him, you were so happy. Feeling him against your tummy helped you fall asleep in a matter of a few minutes, trying not to think about how sad you were a moment ago. It was a movie but this was your reality and it was so great.

                                                   -------------------

You woke up a few hours later, the bed empty next to you. Your eyelids felt so heavy but you thought that was because of the lack of sleep. You really needed to pee so you went to the bathroom before even looking for Joe who was probably doing his own stuff in the living room. You quickly did what you had to and went to wash your hands. As you looked up in the mirror to see how much damaged you were before you let out a scream.

“Babe, what’s going on?” you heard Joe asking and running in your direction

You put your face closer to the mirror, trying to see what was going on. Your eyes were incredibly puffy, like nothing you had seen before. They were so swollen that you were a little frightened by it. It did not hurt and you could see perfectly but that was kind of upsetting.

“Y/N are you ok? Can I come in?”

You opened the door to him and waited to see his reaction. You were not disappointed to say the least. At first he seemed really shocked, frowning and shaking his head but as soon as he saw how done you were he started laughing.

“Don’t you fucking dare Joe. It’s not funny. I look like Steve Buscemi and it’s just not right”

You probably should not have made that comparison because he was now in stitches. You would have rolled your eyes if you could but that was not the best of ideas but you started laughing too because of how ridiculous the situation was.

“For the love of me” you sighed

“Are you okay? Does it hurt?” Joe asked, calming down

“It’s fine. I think my eyes did not react to well to the tears from last night”

“Is it the first time that happens to you?”

“Yes it is, and it better be the last”

He asked you if you needed to see a doctor but really you didn’t. It wasn’t going to ruin the day you had both planned, they were so rare that you had to cherish them. Joe invited you to follow him in the kitchen for breakfast. He had cooked for you and you were quite impressed by it. As you were putting a dash of milk in your tea you saw him trying to take a picture of you discreetly.

“Are you serious?” you asked, squinting your bulging eyes

“Come on! This is way too hilarious for me not to make sure I have a picture of it”

“Who are you planning to send it to?” you inquired

“I may have sent it to the BoRhap group chat…” he admitted

You put your fist right in front of you mouth, falsely exasperated by his attitude.

“I asked you not…”

“Not to put anything on social media, and I didn’t.. Come on babe, they had to see this”

“Well they are partially responsible for it aren’t they?” you nodded

He put on a face clearly saying that it was not completely false. You tried to ignore the fact that he was sharing your puffy face with everybody and went on with breakfast. The scrambled eggs were really good and he had bought some fresh bagels just for you. You found it sweet.

“So? What did you think of the movie? Did you see yourself? I know you’re not on screen for very long but I was really proud when I saw you”

“Well I certainly should have won an Academy Award for my acting, I was clearly incredible” you joked

“It was not hard to pretend that you were in awe with the band when I was on stage babe”

“Well, I must admit seeing Ben half naked right in front of me during ‘39 made it easier for me, I’m so sad it wasn’t included in the move”

“Excuse me?”

You had been an extra in the audience for a concert scene. They had shot several songs but not all of them had been included in the final work. You raised your eyebrows, obviously teasing Joe as you were insinuating that you had ogled Ben Hardy during shooting. He was making fun of you since last night, you could at least return the favour a little.

“Well, I did not remember Roger Taylor being that muscular but clearly I did not mind the choice of actor at all” you went on

Joe was now in front on you as you were sitting on the stool in front of the kitchen counter looking puzzled.

“I did not know Roger Taylor was your favourite member of the band” he said

“Oh it’s Freddie you know that. But I was not talking about the original members”

“You know Ben’s heart already taken right? Don’t you even dare come close to him”

You opened your mouth, that was not the answer you were expecting. He was not jealous for the reasons you wanted, he was overprotective of his beloved co-star. He could be so annoying sometimes because he always wanted to have the last word and so did you. You put your tongue over your front teeth, you would not let him win this little game.

“Why didn’t you ask him to join you instead of me then?” you enquired

“Well. The poor thing is killing himself at work… Too busy” he sighed

“He would have been such better company”

He was about to answer to that but you were up and took your shirt off in front of his very own eyes, lazily before throwing it on the floor. He did not understand right away what you were doing. You did not feel especially sexy with your puffy eyes but you were hoping that weeks of no physical contact would help you and the little act you were trying to pull on.

“I’m sure he does not leave his clothes everywhere right”

Joe was speechless but enjoying the show. Your pyjama shorts were now also on the floor leaving you only in your panties. You could clearly see the lust in his eyes and that was exactly what you wanted.

“Oh and I’m probably not as good looking as this good old Ben…”

“Babe, trust me you have much more to offer than my good old lad”

“Is that so?” you asked, trying to look innocent “Because if you think he can take better care of you than I can…”

You slowly came back to him, one hand on his chest when the other was slowly going down inside his tracksuit, playing with his cock above the fabric of his boxer. Your bare chest was against his and you could feel him hardening just at the touch. You started kissing him, slowly biting on his lower lip.

“He clearly can’t”

“Perfect then that’s settled”

And just like that you went back to breakfast. You were starting to get wet and you knew this was not over but you wanted to enjoy the game as much as you could.

“Really?” he whined

“You’ve been nasty” you simply replied

“And now you’re being cruel”

Before you could take a bit of your bagel, his hand was on your wrist and his mouth on your collar bone. That felt so good, you could feel his warm breath on your naked skin and that turned you on even more. He went down on your chest, drawing circles around your tits with his tongue, your nipple now hard because of the pleasure he was giving you.

“Joe, that feels so good” you whispered

You wrapped your legs around his hips as you were back to kissing, feeling his bulge against your core. He grabbed you under your butt and put you on the counter, his tongue teasing yours gently. You felt your panties sliding along your legs as he lowered himself. He slowly started kissing your inner thigh, and that felt amazing. He bit in a little, making you moan. The marble of the counter felt so cold against your burning skin but suddenly all you could feel was the touch of Joe’s thumb on your clit.

He started playing with it and he was really good at doing this. You closed your eyes, overwhelmed by the feeling. He went faster and you started to ask him to go on, making sure he knew how good he made you feel. He massaged your inner thigh with his other hand, without stopping  what he was doing. You could feel him grinning against you as you were whining because of the pleasure. You knew he loved to be in control and to make you feel good in all the possible ways. You could feel that you were close and your fingers eventually grabbed his hair has he approached his tongue to your clit to replace his finger, now going inside you.

“Fuck Joe ! I’m so close”

You did not need much more, he pumped a little, making sure that your clit was still taken care off. He barely had the time to find the perfect angle with his fingers that your body started to tense completely. You arched your back, overwhelmed by the sensation. 

“Cum for me babe” he asked

And you happily obliged, reaching your orgasm and out of breath. He went up again and smiled at you, helping you getting down.

“So, can we now finish breakfast before you introduce me to the big apple?” you finally said

"Really?”

“If we start now, I’m never going to see the city. But I promise I’ll be all yours tonight” you winked

“Alright I guess...”

You almost wanted to skip the tourism part of your stay and go on with it but you really wanted to see the city. Joe did not have to worry because this morning was just a taste of what you had planned for the two of you. You both finished breakfast, took a shower together and got yourself ready for the most perfect day in New York City. You sneakily took one of his pair of sunglasses to hide your still puffy eyes and he noticed immediately as he opened the door for you.

“Alright Steve Buscemi let’s go”

You laughed and kissed him before he closed the door and grabbed your hand as you felt happier than you had been in ages.

[suburban-satan]

shit my friends say

So I made a list of all the wild shit my friends say, started in January 2018 and still going. It's one year old I guess? Well, enjoy what I have so far!

2018 -d a d d y w i s e -well there’s chains on the ground so that must mean this was a kinky sex dungeon -GORSH MICKEY NOT MY G SPOT -I can wait until I turn 40 so I can troll Japanese Girls on roblox -what if we all looked like mike wizowski but our heads were the same size as they are now -I wanna give pot to a bird -I take pills without water -daddies cummie wummies are the best cummie wummies -enjoy your nonexistent stomach acid -cum glaze -I hope you choke on MY meat -who hasn’t been on pornhub -(wipes tears away and starts belting despacito) -MY GAY IS BEING TRIGGERED -that omelet looks delouse -is semen a liquid or solid -iTs nOt aQuaNauTs yOu uNculTurEd fOoK -vaginas are scary -what is menstruation -you should change your name to pussy something -my gay has been activated -“have you ever owned a vibrator?” “No” “would you like to rent one” -“do you like glazed or cream filled” -wHaT dOeS cUm sOuNd LiKe -he is on too much fertilizer -sometimes cum is hot I know from experience -if you jerked off at the speed of sound would your dick be on fire -I don’t have a sonic fetish -can your dick ignite because of the heat of your cock -aren’t dicks like cannons -who the fuck draws a glowing peepee on a skeleton -honey Freddy freaker is dancing in the living room -does penis smell like garlic -she don’t swallow in this household -*downloading garrison nudes* -don’t you realize that tentacle porn is just using octopus arms as a dildo -frickle my nipples -Minecraft porn consists of the male genitalia replaced with a stick -OOPSIE WOOPSIE!! Uwu We make a fucky wucky!! A wittle fucko boingo! The code monkeys at our headquarters are working VEWY HAWD to fix this! -“I’m big for an asian” -cockilicous -“His anal glands need milking” -fready flipper -FREADY FAPPER -daddy better make me choke -does Freddy freaker have a mutated alien dick -sonic breaks the sound barrier by beating his meat -the sun looks like it’s gon vore you -bootyhole exploration -is megalovania sex music -i like to drink cock -cum is just genital snot -penis musk -Shid piz and farbt -Bull + shit = sis it don’t add up -Hey don’t tell me at least once in your life you haven’t thought about being gently caressed across the genitalia by the kraken -I swallow boba like i swallow cum -I wuv fungus kun, the way he waps a awond my tosie wosies so tight! He’s gibing me a huggie!!!! Fungus kun gibes my tosies a new color too!!!! Wat a good fungus kun make my doki doki go “ UAU” heeheehee -eating banana with the banana peel -orang juce -father I want cheddar -don’t you just look at someone and think about how long their neck is -breathing is just boneless vaping -get outta here juuling criminal -yall ever succ a dick for juul pods -unironically drawing miss piggy -“Jack don’t let go 😱🤭🤭, jack sweetie 😐👀 if you let go 🙊🙈 you’re weave 🙀🙀 gone 😇😘💅” -I've been watching spooky movies for 5 hour -omg it’s daddy sans undertaker!!! -bröther -I ate my sister -are you'd's't've kidding me? -oh youtube please don't show me the shrek movies rn -My brother is calling me out on the family group chat for eating a bowl of peanut butter -Hamilton is best girl -get outta here you fuckin loyalist -what doesn’t cum have -drink flex seal and you won’t have to worry about a marriage -I feel water. -“Superfood or supergross? Is Sperm good?” -coochie hands gucci bands -just imagine trying to cast a spell and then you get disturbed by a banjo -toto africa is sex music now and everytime they say rain it’s just cum -y'all ever burp in your mouth and exhale it through your nose like a vaper -how dare them make my green senpai an honorable member of society -If you didn’t search big boobs video on google at least once are you really a Gen Z kid????? -laugh pussies -i’m watching the history of japan on pornhub -we have the same name because we are secretly the same person -what if you eat your phone and it’s all in your tummy -why would you ever think i’m not serious all the time you silly dragon but we’re both (my name) so we can be the silly dragon together -why would you wash your face before you go to bed when your tears wash it off for you *wooshing noises* -I want to drive a bus because I like busses -my shoe broke -why does everyone talk about the drugs i’m eating -i’m going to break her because she’s talking about smoking cocaine and I don’t like drugs -(stage whisper) metal heads live among us but we don’t know because they look like normal people -oh bye mr music teacher -the pussy? designer. cucci, if you will. -DID I HEAR S A N S P O R N -"i'm about to nay nay on your dead fucking corpse" -alert alert the toes are coming -you got a fucking problem with my 𝐩𝐢𝐬𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐛𝐬? -imagine using an oven for something designed for a microwave this post was made by the doesnt have much motivation gang -Please take my Minnesotan snow Wait that sounds like Minnesotan cocaine -when you funny scream -"dating the Bill of Rights for fun" is now exactly how I'm going to describe my hyperfixations -the penguin  from fruit loops is a twink (bitch its a toucan) -if white cheese exists is there black cheese -What’s rosum opossum -whale cum -dicko mode -(GETTIN SOME CHRISTMAS SPIRIT UP IN THAT PUSS) -pennies more like penis amirite -It’s Sunday don’t forget to squeeze cheese on the cat -the grinch is dr seuss’s fursona -everyone is gangster until the trees start speaking vietnamese -big chungus is my dad -“if the apocalypse happened what would you do” “eat bees” -I'm tired as fuck but I gotta wait until it's 4:20 to go to bed -mom: you need to be reasonable and wait two hours before having another brownie me, stuffing my mouth full of brownie: br o w n y s -This honey in whole foods is in fucking comic sans -it's more likely that I'll guess someone is gay before I remember the existence of women -im gonna say it again for the people in the back:

i eat bees -Thanos penis, it's actually called a thenis -yort -uwu its the mowst thorstiewst time of the yeaw uwu -It is I Teh gromc -The gronk is here to say eat all the dish soap in the house -the grinch but he's wearing crocs the entire time -answer my question or else i will establish sans porn -You make him doki doki uwaaaaa!!!! -birdbox but all the bird sounds are replaced by cardi b noises -THE GROMPK IS TOO POWERFUL -consume ocean sauce -square up in judge judys court -half consumes ocean sauce -ice juce -frick stick -you guys wanna read undertale fanfiction     -2019- -it might be 2019 but thats not gonna stop me from terrorizing my family's groupchat -(pineapple voice) first date idea: digest eachother -Wait dennys will arrest you for doing illegal things?? -pls purify me -my toes are very succulent today -two succs having flex two succs having sex my muscles my muscles involuntarily checks -f u r r y , N a s h . -Perfect for all occasions! Spill something on your nice shirt, give a messy blowjob, and sphagetti!!! -Do you want cum on your nice shirt??? -it would be nice if i had cum on my shirt -cocc succ machine -I KNOW TONGUE JUTSU -I feel like i’m in a meat prison -hi you obese elephant -plant porn is just flowey porn -We all love the out of the box 4am messages we get -YOU LIKE SNAS PEEPEE

[bogwithanlforluck-blog]

My Friend Tom

DISCLAIMER: Music plays [aaargh, the puns!] a huge part in my personal life and the life of my family. As a result, I have many, many musical thoughts, questions, ideas, etc. to put out there. They are all to come. However, one music topic must take precedence above the others, for reasons I cannot fully articulate. This topic consists of my friend, my very, very good friend, Tom.

     Tom actually is an acronym for “Take On Me.” I realize that if this essay ever appears online, or if it ever happens to waft its way into the public somehow, some readers will click off or carry on without reading further. Why? Because they know exactly what “Take On Me” means. It means the a-ha song, “Take On Me.”

     Grinches or folks in denial or people who simply don’t like pop will not really understand why a quintessential pop song, played ad nauseumto this very day since its debut in the U.S. in 1984/1985, will warrant any kind of serious discussion. I understand differences in opinion, so those folks can go on their merry way. However, if the rest of people who happen to read this note about my buddy Tom also happen to consider Tom a friend, then please, continue along.

    I love radio: I listen to it while driving, and I hear it played in stores, etc. Radio, to me, possesses an otherworldliness that I find hard to describe — its siren-like quality may have something to do with the fact that I have very little control over what plays. So, on a daily basis, as I listen, I have to take what I get. Some days are better than others, let me just say. Some days the radio Gods have tapped into my mental playlist and decided to give it a spin; other days, the radio Gods have gone on a god-awful tangent which sometimes can get funny but usually brings me quite a bit of despair. Yet, that’s a whole other topic.

     One consistency about pop radio: at some point during the day, one of those pop stations is going to decide we all need a little Tom. Thank gracious goodness that Tom is out there watching over us.

     When this song debuted in the U.S. in the mid-1980s, at the height of the MTV era, I was 14. I loved pop music and pop stars, my favorite band being The Police. I watched MTV before school and after school, and then again, before bed, after I finished studying. I forced my parents to tune in to pop stations while riding in the car; I bought pop cassette tapes; and I watched MTV with friends. I disliked the hook-up I was in because my best friend at the time, Abigail, did not like pop music AT ALL and thought MTV was for, and I quote, “less intelligent people.” She may have had a point, but I was 14, and I wanted my MTV and pop music, and — outside of our hook-up —  I pretty much got it.

     So sometime in 1984/1985 I heard Tom and probably thought it was quite catchy, but the video had me hooked. To me, the a-ha video, still to this day, qualifies as one of those elusive masterpieces we can only define as Art. The song — well, the song, too, has to go right into the same category. The song is no less than a masterpiece of pop music, with a shut-down-all-arguments upbeat intro, immediately identifiable and immediately uplifting, and never to be forgotten.

     I pretty much had all my suspicions about this song’s juggernaut over the human race when I was having lunch one day with my 11-year-old niece, in early 2018. My niece is no stranger to music. In fact, she IS music; lives and breathes it; she is USDNA-certified music. Her mother — my sister — is a former radio disc jockey with an encyclopedic knowledge of country music history, especially women in country music; my sister also knows a good deal about modern singer-songwriters, as she is a popular singer-songwriter, herself. My niece’s father — my brother-in-law — is a music programmer at Sirius (meaning that he is actually one of those radio Gods who gets to decide what on earth we humans are going to listen to day-by-day) who also has an encyclopedic knowledge of rock, blues, etc. My sister and brother-in-law together make a powerhouse of know-your-music and know-what’s-good. So, if they ever had a child — well, there you go.

      When she was first born, Bella, my niece, received, thanks to my brother-in-law, a steady diet of the Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds. I thought that was a good move; I think a lot of new dads who are really, really into music start their kids off with Pet Sounds. As Bella grew and became more independent, she went through her Katy Perry phase, sure, but then, as she matured, her genes started firing up, and by age 10, she was a Beatlemaniac with an encyclopedic knowledge of the Beatles. Her love of the Beatles did not waver for over a year; she would not listen to anything else, and she could blow away any 60-something-I-lived-through-it Beatle aficianado in a Beatles’ trivia match. She could not be stopped. I, myself, was delighted to watch this train passing through, because the Beatles — well, you kind of cannot argue with the Beatles. They are like Tom, except exponentially multiplied. I would contend that everyone on this planet can find at least ONE Beatles’ song that he/she likes. Everyone.

     After over a year of the Beatle-front battle-line that no other song or rock group could cross, we all kind of gave up trying to suggest songs by other artists to Bella that she might like. I was okay with the prospect that she might travel through the rest of her life in the Yellow Submarine. She had other interests, anyway, outside of music. For example, she had started — rather randomly — a semi-infatuation with Norway; she was Googling Norwegian words and trying to teach herself Norwegian online. If she could translate “Hey Jude” into Norwegian, I thought, well, then, Let It Be.

     One day she was visiting Nashville from her home in Queens, and I took her to a local deli which has a New-York-Delicatessen-wannabe vibe. I was very busy chatting away (can you imagine that??) at her when I noticed that she was kind of bopping in her seat with a wide, happy grin, looking like she had just gotten a text from Paul McCartney. I wondered what the deal was — when it hit me. Bella is plugged into the amp of the Universe, and she had caught it before I had: the opening bars of Tom had started up on the deli’s in-store speakers. And she was happily dancing along. Folks, believe me when I say I was floored. I halfway shrieked to her, “You know this song?” Bella: “Yeah.” Me: “You like this song?” Bella: “Yeah. It’s pretty cool.”

     ??? And here is our miracle: Tom was flitting at the fringes of the Fab Four Fog, telling Bella: “I am your friend. I am fun. I will never play you false.” And Bella, with her innate musical divinity, understood Tom and allowed him to be that friend.

     But back to the booth at the deli. Still halfway shrieking, I quickly said, “This song is one of the best pop songs ever. Did you know that the group, a-ha, is NORWEGIAN?”

    “I think they’re from Sweden.”

    “Uh-uh. Don’t doubt Auntie Julie on her ‘80s pop, Bella. They’re from Norway. I’m going to Google them.”

    “Okay.”

    “A-HA! They are from Norway! Look:” (Auntie Julie brandishes her phone in Bella’s face. Bella then gets out her phone and pulls up the Wikipedia site.)

    “This says that the lead singer, Morten Harket, has a 5-octave vocal range,” Bella informed me.

    “Well, that’s obvious,” I replied. Then I added, “That’s an octave more than Freddie Mercury of Queen had, and he could really go up and down the scale.”

       We both pondered what I had just said for a moment. Somehow, it seemed slightly irreverent to compare Freddie Mercury unfavorably to anyone, so I added, “But Freddie Mercury had that grit.” And then I gratuitously (VERY GRATUITOUSLY) started to try to convey my meaning by imitating Freddie Mercury singing part of “Bohemian Rhapsody.” In that restaurant, at full volume, I sang, “Momma, life had just begun/But now I’ve gone and thrown it all away,” with a heartrending growl added to the word, “thrown.”

      “Oh, he was the greatest.” Over Bella’s shoulder, in the adjoining booth, a stranger — a man with a 5-year-old little boy — couldn’t help himself. Bella’s and my conversation was way too important to ignore, and he had turned to face us and had spoken up.

      “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to barge in on your conversation, but I heard you talking about music and Freddie Mercury, and I couldn’t help but comment.”

      In my head I was thinking, delightedly, “Come one, come all.”

     “Oh, I understand,” I said to the guy. “This is important stuff.” Because it is.

     He replied, “Yeah, I grew up listening to Queen and that guy — Freddie Mercury — he’s legendary. Anyway, I just had to say something; I didn’t want to seem like I was listening in.”

      “Hey, I’m happy you did.” Because I was. I felt that Tom was spinning his magic all over the restaurant, even if he had politely tipped his hat to Queen and let us unite ourselves around a whole other band. Tom is generous like that. He’ll put a crowd into a happy mood, and all at once, no matter what walk of life we’ve walked, what road we’ve taken to get to where we are, we hear Tom, and, simply, we feel better.

      Meanwhile, the Goddess of music was still pondering the feats of a-ha outside the U.S. via her Wikipedia information. She informed me that the band had achieved a world-wide popularity that the U.S. had never quite grasped (imagine that). We were becoming more and more impressed. However, the basics of the situation remained the same: it all boiled down to Tom: my very, very good friend Tom.

      Armed with enthusiasm over our deli experience, Bella and I went home to inform my father and her father about our Tom moment at the restaurant. We played the song for my dad (who claims not to “get” pop music), and I cannot say for sure, but I sensed he caught on at least to Tom’s benevolent spirit, if not also to Harket’s massive vocal range that will never, ever be topped, at least not in a song so damned perfect. Meanwhile, my brother-in-law, who was present at the introduction of Tom to my dad, seemed to approve of our musical love-in at the deli. Then my father, out of the blue, decided that, when my 73-year-old mother returned from work, we — Bella, my mother, and I — should all dance to Tom. That suggestion totally energized my brother-in-law, who was dead-set on taking a video of this ad-libbed dance moment. So, when my mother did arrive from work, dead on her feet, she reluctantly agreed to dance. We turned up the volume on my computer to Tom’s fullest effect, and Bella, my mother, and I, got down. We all danced separately; Tom was a partner for each of us. Tom’s a great dance partner, by the way. If you have no dance ability, no rhythm, no coordination, Tom does not care. Tom just gets you moving with a smile on your face. And he doesn’t charge you an admission price, either.

     In sum, this is the story of my friend Tom. I daresay Tom has LOTS of friends, around the world. We are all more than happy to share that friendship. And Tom also had some serious help from other friends in his early years, friends who supplied him with a music video that ranks #2 of all time behind Michael Jackson’s “Thriller.” As I said at the beginning of this little story, music means a lot to not only my family and me, but to the world at large. And I cannot think of a better place to begin future stories/thoughts on/opinions about music than with Tom.