#found this in my drive the other day so i finished up and polished it for publication

[growingstories]

Pjotr (NEW PICTURES)

This is a story by Jamie, living in a suburban area close to London: Next to where I live is a building that houses construction workers from abroad. Most of the guys I see are from Poland living here to work for a construction company run by a Mr. Johnson. I didn’t really think much of it until Pjotr became my direct neighbor.

Every day, I would see the rough Polish workers in the garden, their tough exterior giving away nothing but their laborious days. Dusty and unshowered, they would gather after work to smoke, drink beer, and chat until late into the night. None of them seemed to be particularly fit, most being slightly overweight. However, their dedication to their work was admirable. During vacations, they would all go back to their families in Poland and return after spending quality time with their loved ones. It was during such Summer vacation period that I bumped into someone unexpected.

As I walked down the street, lost in my own thoughts, I noticed a hot, athletic guy who appeared to be lost. Curiosity got the better of me, and I approached him to offer my help. He was looking for number 13, the house right next to mine. I excitedly told him that I lived next door, and we introduced ourselves. His name was Pjotr, and he mentioned that he was from Poland as the rest of the guys.

Pjotr had recently finished carpenter school and had come to to England pursue his dreams in the construction industry. His charming demeanor instantly struck a chord with me, and before I knew it, I had fallen head over heels in love with him.

After a week of living next to each other, Pjotr and I bumped into each other again. I asked him how he was finding his time in England so far. He confessed that work was tough and after work was a bit monotonous. The other workers would only gather to drink and never did anything particularly interesting. He expressed his struggle in connecting with his rough colleagues, who mostly talked about women and football—topics that didn't interest him much. He was happy to paths crossed have with me, as it meant having someone to talk to outside of work.

Feeling an undeniable connection, the following week, I suggested we grab some food together, and he gladly accepted. During dinner, Pjotr confided in me about his ambition to build his own dream house and start his own construction company by the time he turned 30. I found his drive and determination incredibly inspiring and showered him with praise.

Our dinners together became a regular occurrence, and soon enough, we found ourselves venturing out to clubs, enjoying the vibrant nightlife. It was during one of those late-night walks home, in the midst of a palpable tension, that Pjotr surprised me by pushing me into an alleyway and passionately kissing me. Overwhelmed by desire, I invited him up to my place, and we shared an unforgettable night together. However, we both agreed that our encounters needed to remain discreet due to the nature of our situation. On the streets, we would greet each other as neighbors, and upon entering or leaving my house, we had to ensure that no prying eyes were watching.

As time went on, our relationship deepened, and we spent almost every day together. Pjotr would sneak into my house after dinner with colleagues at 7.30 pm to share a bite with me, have amazing sex and sleep together tight and set his alarm for 4:30 am, ensuring that he made it back to his place before anyone woke up. Our secret meetings, filled with passion and desire, became the highlights of our lives. But as the months passed, I began to notice subtle changes in Pjotr's physique. Love handles appeared on his once athletic frame, accentuating his rugged charm.

At first, it didn't bother me, but gradually, it became apparent that he was gaining weight. He confessed his struggle to me, explaining that his colleagues would cook fatty dinners every night, and the amount of beer they consumed was staggering. Despite his best efforts, the weight seemed to pile on rapidly, and he struggled to find a way out. To support him, I promised to cook lighter meals, but he would often snack on my food, turning my smaller portions into full dinners. Desserts became larger, and his belly started to grow bigger.

Seeing him change physically didn't dampen my attraction to him; in fact, I found his size newfound incredibly appealing. I assured him that he still looked hot, hoping to boost his confidence. In response, he asked if he could my use gym, determined to shed some weight. He embarked on a rigorous workout routine, spending hours at the gym after work.

The results were astonishing. His muscles bulked up, giving him an even more commanding presence. However, the weight he had gained remained, transforming him into an absolute beast of a man. He reveled in his newfound strength, attributing it partly to his size. Pjotr's colleagues, impressed by his determination, offered him lighter duties that didn't involve too much physical exertion, enabling him to indulge his appetite even more.

Over the course of five years, our secret encounters continued, and Pjotr's size grew. He had saved up a considerable amount of money and shared with me his plans to leave England for good. He was eager to return to Poland and live out his dreams of building his dream house and starting his own construction company. He asked if I would join him, sharing his desire to build a life together. His family was accepting of our relationship, and I found myself seriously considering starting a new life in Poland.

In the final months leading up to our departure, Pjotr had become simply obese. However, he appeared more relaxed and content now that his family knew about us. We made the decision to leave England behind and embrace a simpler life in Poland. I knew I could pursue my own career there as well. And so, that's where we find ourselves now—living a peaceful, joy-filled life in Poland I take. care of the love of my life, who spends his days building our dream house and establishing his own successful construction company. The days are busy, and as he constantly moves and works, he has shed some weight along the way. Nevertheless, his insatiable appetite and love for food guarantee that he will never be skinny again. But that's perfectly fine, because to me, he will always be the sexy, confident, and loving man I fell in love with—the who pursued man his ambitions, achieved his dreams, and captured my heart forever.

[preciadosbass]

23/8/24 [draft from friday — key + significant photos at end]

yay i can finally post this!! woke up at 6:30 and said goodmorning to boris. he was inside again, i think because of how cold it is out. i then got dressed as soon as i could so i was completely ready before the time we had to leave to go away. i put on a light gray low cut shirt, but then started freezing alive so i changed into my sleeping with sirens shirt as it was the only shirt out that i hadn’t already packed. i paired it with black ripped skinny jeans, gray + black striped arm warmers, knee high converse, danger days my chemical romance zip up, my kellin quinn necklace, a surfboard shaped wood carved necklace — and no cuffs/bracelets as this outfit is just to be worn for the car ride to the campus and then ill get changed for swimming.

after getting ready, i had a snack and painted my left hand’s nails with black nail polish. i surprisingly did them pretty neatly to how i usually do it and considering how small my nails are. within a few minutes of them being dried, half of my second smallest nail’s polish came off halfway lmao - i was going to put some more on to cover it up, but i was in a rush and i needed to do my teeth, i finished at 7. i then checked on boris again and replaced the pins on my bag. ive needed to ever since i took a ton off to put onto my jacket. all that’s left now is: incubus pin, spider-man pin, the last of us pin, t-rex pin, saliva pin, kittie pin, shark pin, beetle pin, brendon urie pin, chi cheng pin, soulfly pin, collide with the sky [pierce the veil] pin, and a silent hill pin. which sounds like a lot, but because of the way they’re set out, it dosent look like many. at least not compared to what i’m used to.

once i was done [7:18], i packed my bag. i packed: my camera, skeleton gloves, collage scraps, my collage journal, camera charger, headphone charger, extra bracelets, my spiral earrings, battery packs, my hairbrush, my wallet, hand sanitizer, meds, and my phone charger. after doing that and a few other odd bits around the house [turning off switches, making sure i’ve packed everything, etc] i went to see boris properly at 7:40. i told him about everything that’s going to be going on [who’s taking care of him, that she’s not comfortable letting him out, when we’re getting back, things like that] and said goodbye to him. i finished officially at 8:20. i’m gunna miss him so much while we’re away, but i’m excited to see him again afterwards and tell him everything.

everyone [me, my sister, my parents] got in the car at around the same. unrelated, but i also forgot to mention in yesterdays journal, archie was taken over to my sister’s friends house to be looked after. we set off at 2:30 and i looked through soul punk patrick stump videos along with a few pretty odd era panic! tiktoks. also watched my chemical romance’s song 2 [blur] cover, i don’t know why i haven’t seen this before i’m obsessed. i started journaling at 9:16 and wrote all of the paragraphs above. than at 9:30 i took a break and started listening to some music. [just surrender, fall out boy, gerard way + ray toro, frank iero, falling in reverse, blur, my chemical romance, death of a bachelor panic! at the disco, a static lullaby.]

i had a nap somewhere near 11:30 [on my seal plush] and woke up at around 12:40. i continued listening to music [CKY, HIM, frank iero, darling you should be ashamed, linkin park, lovehatehero, before today, a bullet for a pretty boy [[so underrated]], and sleeping with sirens.] i did so until 1:44 when we arrived at the resort. my dad pulled the car into the drive through place where you get your keycard/folder of leaflets and after driving round to our car park, we started unpacking into the room. on our holiday guide, it said that we could only get in our room at 3, so we were lucky to get in early. as soon as i found me & my sisters room and claimed my bed, and hung up my necklaces on the windows’ handle. along with taking a few things out of my bag + putting cuffs/band bracelets on. we did plan on going to swimming as soon as my extended family arrived, but that ended up not working out as they had to leave late.

i then took out my collage journal and started cutting up the leaflets from the folder into separate letters [etc] to make a collage tomorrow. well i say tomorrow, when i started cutting everything up, i intended for me to put everything together today. [photo at end] but i only got round to collecting the bits of paper i need. i used my stamps to print stars onto a yellow sticky note and took a couple pictures of the leaflets incase we needed anything off them after id cut them up [e.g wifi support]. me, my parents and my sister left for a show and arrived at the venue at 3:12. on the way to the venue, we met up with D [one of my cousins, his girlfriend — L, and her son, W.] we got the time wrong so we thought were really short on time, but it started 20 minutes after we found a table.

first up was a beatboxer, except he made more sound affects than sounds to make into some kind of song. he was also really funny with the way he made and timed the sound affects. it’s impossible for me to explain with unless you were there and saw him, but he was really good. next was four breakdancers, ive never really had much interest in breakdancing, but it was quite cool to watch them. one had come all the way down from japan or something.

after was one of those big hoop acts. there’s not much to say as there’s not much to explain — following on from that, a bmX rider came out and started doing all kinds of crazy tricks. i somewhat remember seeing the show itself around a year ago, but this bmX guy was different than last year. its tricky to explain a bmX show generally, but its even trickier for people to read id they don’t know what it is. so i recommend looking up bmX tricks. once he’d done his thing, a basketballer came onto stage. he was manipulating the ball and circling it around him shoulders etc. behind him was a fake button with “do not push” plastered above it. obviously, it’s a show, he ‘pressed’ the button and everytime another ball would roll out from backstage.

in the end, he was working with 5 different basketballs. it was super impressive. before the show finished, everyone came out and did all their tricks side by side. during the entire show, the beatboxer was singing and making even more sound affects. he actually had a pretty decent voice. at 4:30, after we’d all packed up our stuff and gotten ready to leave and do something else, me, my parents and my sister headed back to our room. D, L and W went off to their rooms aswell. upon getting into our chalet, i went to have a nap but ended up putting on my skates. my sister stuck on hers and we circuited a section of the resort, looking for D’s room. it didn’t take us long before we found it. but during skating around and checking door numbers, i stupidly sped round a corner on the second level of chalets and nearly fell headfirst down a huge staircase.

i assumed that it’d turn and go round the other side, so i could look at the numbers on the other rooms, as a few other of the second story ‘balconys’ or whatever you wanna call them - don’t have stairs and just follow on around the other side. but i was wrong. i slightly toppled down the first two stairs and then grabbed onto my sister’s back. luckily i didn’t make her fall over lmao // at 5:30, all of us [all of my family] went round to our restaurant for dinner. it was a little cheeky of us to even eat together as everyone in the family apart from my parents & sister have reservations for another restaurant.

after dinner, i went back to the room and stayed there for 30 minutes alone before me, my sister and my parents made our way to yet another show. we arrived at the venue and i sat near the front on the floor with my sister. my mum sat on some stairs and my dad stayed standing. it was a magic show, which is quite a complicated thing to explain, especially because i actually didn’t understand how any of the tricks were done, but i enjoyed it. also while the backstage staff were sorting out some more props the start of my generation by limp bizkit played!!

the show finished at 8, and me and my immediate family went round to the rest of the family’s chalets to check them out. i went into the more cousin based one first, the people staying in it were: RY and H, and R and E. i sat on R’s bed and just people watched [mostly] until H offered to paint my right hand’s nails dark purple as id forgotten to paint that hand in black when i was at home. then i went to see the rest of my family’s room. the family members in this chalet are my aunt and uncle, and L/W. when i came in my uncle had a jumper over the radiator and it smelt so bad and was clearly just about to light on fire. i went back into the cousin’s room/s and went to see E and see what she was doing.

she was applying gems to her eyelids with some kind of makeup glue. she asked if i wanted some and i agreed so she sat me down and gently glued the gems onto my face. [photo at end] when she was done and if verified i was happy with it, i went back to my room to quickly get something — i’m not sure what it was as im writing this on the 27th. when i got back at 9:10, we had to leave for another show. we walked across the resort and arrived at the venue to get ourselves some seats. me and E tried taking pictures of our gemmed-up eyelids together but wasn’t able to because of bad lighting. the show was advertised as a ‘rock’ festival, however the music that played was things like lizzo and ed sheeran.

i was kind of disappointed because i thought it’d be punk rock or something else i would be able to sing along to, but it was funny that we were catfished so bad. me and R just sat there making faces for eachother, indicating that ‘this isn’t rock, wtf is this’ - the performance ended at 10:20 and we went straight to another venue to join in with a ‘music dance party.’ as you can imagine, the music was dance music, but i like dance music. i somewhat danced with my grandad, E and R. R spun me around and my sister stayed swaying across the dance floor with my dad. [photo at end]

i haven’t really ever seen my dad dance before, but his favourite ‘party’ track came on and he went mad. he was doing all sorts of weird dance moves but it was cracking me up. if only whoever is reading this saw it in the moment. we parted with the rest of the family and went back to the chalet at approximately 11:30. i started to do a bit of my journal, made a picture collage of the day, and had a little nap. after my nap, i asked my parents questions about boris, said goodnight to boris via a picture of him [the picture in question is at the end] and went to sleep at 1:45.

🗝️ — boris/my cat, archie/my immediate family’s dog, questions about boris/i ask my parents questions about my cat to verify he's okay + will be okay in the morning. its a compulsive thing and i'm hopefully going to be tested for OCD in the future.

have a good day/night O_o

[sweeethinny]

daddy's girl

my father was the biggest disappointment today, and to make up for that pain, here is Harry being an incredible and kind father on an ordinary day.

---------------

''Daddy,'' Lily-Lu ran down the stairs, her freshly cut red hair was tied back with a white headband that Harry thought didn't suit her style, but the girl was willing to be fashionable so he just accepted, especially because he didn't think he was the most stylish person to give his opinion.

Lily-Luna was completely obsessed with these things, Harry was sometimes lost with the amount of information she knew and wanted to share with him, for example, yesterday when he took her to the hairdresser she told him that they had to go to the pharmacy so she bought a specific color of nail polish because she had seen something in a magazine about strawberry nails or something and wanted to paint her nails the same way.

Of course, Harry stopped by the pharmacy after the hairdresser, as well as the makeup and other trinkets store so she could buy a hairband and a satin cap — ''It's to protect my hair from frizz! Hair like ours daddy easily gets messy''.

''Sew for me?'' She was holding the white and blue dress that she and Ginny had bought the last time they went out together, one that Ginny insisted Lily-Luna needed because she was out of clothes to wear now that she was starting going out with friends to the mall, amusement parks, and birthday parties — which were no longer childish and parents needed to go along.

‘’How did you tear it?’’ Harry wiped his hands on a cloth, he was pruning his bonsai sitting on the balcony table, feeling the breeze of that summer that wasn’t absurdly hot — yet. He was on vacation from work and in order not to die of boredom, he decided to become a gardener, a task that only seemed simple because he needed three different books to understand which fertilizer was best for each plant and how many hours each one needed to be in the sun per day.

‘’I don’t know, I went to close the zipper and then it ripped,’’ Harry didn’t believe it, but agreed, taking the dress and then muttering an accio sewing box and then starting to sew up the small tear on the side of the dress. ‘’Daddy, will you take me?’’

‘’Where are you going?’’ Now that he was on vacation, Harry had basically become his children’s private chauffeur. Just yesterday he went out four times to take each one to a friend's house; not that he minded much, he liked driving and that was at least a reason for him to have something to do. There were parts of the city he had no idea existed.

His children had a much livelier social life than him or Ginny at that age, several of their friends lived in Muggle areas which meant James, Albus and Lily knew much more about the Muggle world than their parents.

''Kelly and I are going to have ice cream, I already told mum,'' She said, putting on the bracelet she had received for Christmas from Fleur, who seemed to love having a fashion-addicted girl to spoil. Victoire didn’t have much affection for this world, and Dominique was in a rebellious phase where she denied this whole “feminine” world. Meanwhile, Lily-Lu appreciated her cousins' lack of interest.

The bracelet had several charms that you could buy after buying the bracelet, which didn't make sense to Harry since, what's the point of buying something if it's not complete? But Lily-Lu loved it, and saved part of her allowance money and the money she received when she did something with one of her uncles to buy more charms. In less than two years, the bracelet was almost complete.

‘’Where?’’ Harry was almost finished, he found it quite satisfying and calming to sew.

''That ice cream shop near the mall, where we always go.'' She said and Harry nodded, he liked it there, it was safe, he knew the environment, and he knew that if something happened, Lily-Luna was in a neighborhood where she was not in danger.

‘’Okay, I’ll take you. Call me when you need to pick you up, I think I'll take advantage and go to the farmer's market... I need new fertilizers.'' His daughter nodded, smiling and kissing his cheek when Harry finished sewing her dress.

‘’Thank you daddy, I love you.’’ And she ran upstairs again.

[maythedreadwolftakeyou]

WIP Wthursday

meant to post yesterday and then forgot bc of who i am as a person so, whoops. anyway, current state of affairs

embroidery:

absolutely 0 progress on the Hermit since i last posted it in like mid september. whoops. i WILL finish this thing by veilguard i swear but for some reason it's just grueling every step of the way. meanwhile, i'm banging out this mini version of The Tower in like 4 days. I want to post the pattern/thread colors I made for my big design, but i feel guilty selling a pattern for a piece where i hand-dyed at least 5 of the colors involved. So I'm making a second version with only commercially available colors as an alternative (and a slightly less saturated background), and I'll include both color guides as options.

haven't made any new digital designs/patterns since the last one of the qunari dialogue symbol. considering making a new one for another piece of art to copy out, but currently unclear on how to get the proportions for the frame accurately copied into photoshop because I want to try an oval frame instead of circular so... yeah. we'll see.

writing:

went digging through my old WIPs folder and found a k!meme prompt fic for Lavellan getting hit by a truth spell that I'd basically almost finished and then just... completely forgot about I guess? it's a silly premise and under 15k so it must have just poofed from my brain when I moved and lost track of all my then-projects.

           Just the memory sends a flush down the back of her neck, her heartbeat skipping inside her chest like a stone over water. She can almost feel it, even here, her legs aching after a days of travel. The warmth of his body against hers in the cold air of the mountains. The unexpected passion of their kiss, the pressure of his lips crushing against her own, driving all other thoughts from her mind.             The way just beforehand he’d still hesitated, almost tearing himself away.             That’s the real problem, she thinks to herself, as she tries to ignore the wet slapping noise the drenched fabric of her robes makes with every step. She just can’t reconcile the intensity of his words with the way he keeps drawing himself back again. Every time she considers making another move, she can’t help but think that maybe it will be what convinces him she’s not worth the trouble after all.             Ar lath ma, he’d told her, despite it all.             She has no idea how to respond to something like that.

the first two and final chapters are entirely finished, while 3/4 are more disjointed segments that need some fleshing out. but i'll probably just go ahead and post the first bit soon because why not. maybe that'll push me to clean it up faster. i'll also be honest. half of this fic is like... the prompt premise, and the other half is just. me wishing i was out backpacking. i wrote it the summer of lockdowns when i went from working outside 5 days a week to bedroom WFH prison, and its funny rereading now like. oh yeah so i was going fully insane about not being the one camping myself, huh.

Anyway. otherwise I also started another new short thing for my still currently nameless No-Longer-Lavellan from reunion, but it's only a couple hundred words and some vague notes so far. Not sure if I'll turn it into something more polished or leave it as general musings. I wish I could draw better because I have way more concrete visions for visual art for that whole scenario but, alas.

[agent-whiskeys-sweetheart]

I And Love And You

Pairing: Best Friend!Steve Rogers x F!Reader

Summary: You go on a road trip with your best friend, Steve Rogers, and you are both forced to face your feelings for each other.

Warnings: None, just ridiculous amounts of fluff. 

A/N: I was looking for inspiration and found it in the shape of my favorite album. So, I’m writing a series of fics based on every song from I And Love And You by The Avett Brothers. I highly recommend listening to each song before reading. It will be a more fun journey. I’ve never done something like this before so I hope you enjoy! 

That woman, she’s got eyes that shine Like a pair of stolen polished dimes She asked to dance, I said “It’s fine I’ll see you in the morning time”

“Come on, Steve. We’ve still got a few more hours before we’re at the campsite and it’s starting to get dark.” The man looked at you skeptically, well aware that the sun was starting to disappear.  

“It won’t take long. I just need to pick up an energy drink if I’m gonna get us there alive.” He stresses the word alive to punctuate his point. You roll your eyes, sitting up in the passenger seat. It had already been a full day of driving and you were both cranky and very sore from so little movement. You were eager to arrive at your destination.

When Steve had proposed this trip to you, you were a little skeptical to say the least. Just you and him in a car for two days in order to travel to a campsite he had read about that he wanted to visit. Of course the first question to come to mind was “Why me?” 

“You’re my best friend. I couldn’t imagine doing it with anyone else.” His sweet words had been enough to get you on board and within the next few weeks you were loading up Steve’s small car with all your bags and heading for Colorado. You’d always heard it was a beautiful place to visit and you were excited for the sights. However, what you didn’t know was that being cooped in a car for 28 hours was going to drive you absolutely crazy. You prayed it would be worth it.

It wasn’t long before Steve was pulling in to the gas station parking lot, putting the car in park as he hopped out. With a huff you decided to join him, stepping out of the car as well and heading inside. Perusing through the aisles of snacks, you simple meander until Steve gestures to you that he’s ready to go. When you show up with nothing in your hands he gives you an annoyed look. “Go get an energy drink or something. You’re not falling asleep in the last few hours. I need you to help keep me awake.” With a groan you run over to the clear fridges near the back and pick out the first energy drink your eyes land on, bringing it over to the counter. He adds it to his small pile of things and pays for it all before heading back out to the car. You follow him like a disgruntled puppy, sliding into your seat. 

“See that wasn’t so hard was it?” He teases, making you grumble a half hearted response. However, your fake anger doesn’t last long as you get lost looking out the window. The sun is setting over the horizon, painting the sky in purples and pinks and oranges. With a hand resting on your cheek you start to doze off. The moment you do, Steve smacks your leg with the back of his hand. You open your eyes, turning towards him slowly. “You gotta stay up, remember? Open up your energy drink.” With a groan you lean forward to grab the can, popping the tab open and taking a sip of it. You wince.

“It tastes like battery acid.” You remark to which Steve laughs. 

“No one ever said it was good. It’s just supposed to keep you up.” Looking down he points at his own can. “Open mine up for me?” You oblige him, pulling the tab until it snaps open and you hand it to him. 

“God, that is bad.” He laughs as he takes a sip himself before setting it back down in the cup holder. The two of you chuckle to each other, deciding against finishing the nasty drinks you had bought.

“So how am I supposed to keep you awake?”

“I don’t know. Entertain me.” He adds with another laugh. With that, you turn on the radio and flip through channel after channel before landing on an oldies but goldies type station. The first song that you hear is I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner. Without warning you launch into song, belting out the chorus loudly and badly. 

“I wanna know what love is! I want you to show me. I wanna feel what love is! I know you can show me!” Steve rolls his eyes as you continue singing, reaching out for him dramatically as you serenade him. 

“Oh please!” He yells over your obnoxious singing but you don’t stop, continuing with the next verse as you find yourself genuinely enjoying the song. Little do you know the effect that you’re having on your best friend. As much as he hates to admit it, he feels something stronger than friendship for you. Quite frankly, the man has been in love with you for years. Everything about you draws him in and makes him crave more. Those words have been stuck in his chest for what feels like forever and hearing you belt them out like nothing made his heart ache. He wishes he could sing a cheesy melody and sweep you off your feet the way you were doing for him right now but he wasn’t nearly so bold. In fact inviting you on this trip was probably the boldest he had ever been when it came to his feelings for you. 

He was surprised that you hadn’t caught onto his little act the moment he asked you. He half expected you to call him out on his bullshit but you had yet to say anything about the fact that he wanted so desperately to be alone with you. As glad as he was that you hadn’t, part of him wanted you to so that he could finally buck up the courage to say what he needed to say but he had no such luck.

It was a relief to him when the song finally ended and you finished belting, leaning back comfortably in your seat. “At least we finally found a good radio station.” You said, letting the channel continue to play. He couldn’t help but give you a sideways glance, taking in the sight of you in the glow of the setting sun. God, you were beautiful.

“Yeah, lucky us.” He says, clearing his throat as he avoids your gaze.

“If you want me to change the station, I will. I know this isn’t really the kind of music you listen to.” You say genuinely. 

“No, it’s okay. I like hearing what you enjoy.” He says with a smile. 

“I like learning about the things that you enjoy too. It’s fun seeing you discover new stuff and finding new tastes. Sometimes I wish I could go back to your time and do the same thing.” You admit. “Tell me about the 40′s. I wanna know everything about your world.” You ask him, leaning forward onto the arm rest. Steve glimpses over at you, watching your intent gaze as you wait expectantly. It causes him to chuckle as he begins to tell you. He shares with you all of the things that he remembers from his childhood on. The music he listened to and the films that he watched. The fashion of the time and the new inventions that came about. The books he read and what he did with his friends. You sat patiently and listened to every word, soaking up every piece of information that he cares to share with you. 

Seeing him light up as he talks about his passions makes your heart soar. Engaging with this side of him was dangerous for you. It was only making you fall for him harder. It had been years now that you’d had these feelings for him, growing stronger in side of you the longer you spent time with him. It was terrifying to you. He was the great Captain America. You barely considered yourself worthy enough to be his friend. Being anything more than that was totally out of the picture in your mind. However, that hadn’t stopped you from fantasizing. You imagined what it would be like to be with him. To be Steve Rogers’ girl. God, what a dream that would be. But that’s all it would ever be. Dreams and fantasies. You almost wanted to stop him from telling you anything more at the risk of you blurting out your feelings for him right then and there. But you wanted to take in every last detail of his life. You couldn’t help but yearn to know more. So you sat quietly, happily living in his world for just that short while. 

“Look.” He said, stopping his story. He drew your attention to the sign coming up on the side of the road. You could barely read it from this far away since the sun had set by now. You waited patiently until the headlights illuminated the sign ahead of you. It indicated that you were only a few short miles from the campsite. You both exchanged a happy glance, settling into your seats as you made the last trek of the journey. There was a gravel parking lot a short ways from where your individual campsite was set up. The two of you dug out your bags from Steve’s trunk and made the quick walk to the campsite. It was numbered with a small sign. Number 3. You were currently unable to see much of the view. You’d have to wait until the morning for that. However you could see that there was a stone firepit in the middle of the grove with plenty of room surrounding it for your tents. 

“I’ll get the tents set up if you want to start a fire.” Steve told you, setting down all your things near the pit. You gave him a nod and a smile, pulling a lighter out of your back pocket. There was already some newspaper stacked in the firepit. All you had to do was light it. It began as a small flame but quickly grew as you added more newspaper to it. Once you had enough light to see around the small grove you joined Steve in setting up the tents. It didn’t escape your attention that he had positioned them impossibly close so that you would only be a thin fabric wall away from each other. 

Once you were both done setting up the campsite you huddled close to the fire, sitting right next to one another. The warmth of his body beside yours heated you up more than the fire ever could. This was an impossibly dangerous environment for both of you. Two best friends choking on their love for each other in a dimly lit grove in the dead of night alone, feeling all too hot in your overbearing clothes as you sat mere inches apart. What could go wrong?

“I don’t know about you but it’s way too quiet.” You said with a chuckle, digging around in your backpack for the speaker that you had made sure to pack. As you connected it to your phone Steve crossed his arms over his chest, unable to keep himself from staring at you in the kind glow of the fire. Once you opened up your Spotify you searched for 40′s era songs that you thought Steve would like. Once you found a good playlist you put it on, watching his face light up. “I thought that you might enjoy that.” You chuckle.

“I do. It’s very thoughtful of you.” He said, admiration lining his voice. 

“Oh please. What are friends for?” You inquired. As the music softly streamed from the speaker Steve found himself getting lost in the familiar sounds. It was comforting to him. In that comfort he found himself feeling more at ease with his feelings, not scared of them but rather encouraged by them. The way you looked, eyes closed as you took in the music, made his head spin as he fell in love all over again.

“You know, I’m actually quite the dancer.” He began to form a plan.

“Bullshit. Captain America, a dancer?” 

“It’s true. I didn’t get a chance to do it much before the super serum. I had a hard time getting women to look at me when I looked like they could step on me. But I’m actually a good dancer. That was the thing to do back in the day. You wanted to go out with friends or a pretty girl? You went dancing. So anyone who was anyone at least knew how to dance. Just so happens I turned out to be pretty good at it.” 

“Show me.” You said incredulously. Everything was falling into place. 

“Well, I don’t know. I’d need a partner.” 

“Come on then.” You said, brushing yourself off and getting to your feet. When Steve didn’t move you extended a hand to him, giving him a playful look. “Steve Rogers, may I please have this dance?” 

Those were the words he had been waiting for. He stood as well, towering over you slightly as he took one of your hands into his own, his other finding your waist. You felt flushed all of a sudden and you knew it wasn’t because of the fire still roaring. It was the way his strong hands took a hold of you. As he began to move his foot, slowly spinning you both around to the song that was playing he leaned into your ear. “I thought you’d never ask.” He said in a whisper. Scoffing, you roll your eyes jokingly as you look up at him through your lashes.

“Is this a trick? Did you trick me into dancing with you?” 

“Maybe.” He admits, still spinning you as he held you in his arms. “I couldn’t help myself. I’ve wanted to dance with you like this for a long time. I’ve wanted to do a lot of things for a long time.” Oh god. You swallowed thickly. This was it. The moment you thought was never going to happen. He was going to say those three little words you had waited so desperately to hear. All the while he dances with you, touching your waist gently. “Y/N, there’s something I need to say.” 

“Yes, Steve?” You prompted him. 

“You--” Your eyes bore into him and he suddenly lost all of his courage, unable to find the words. “Are a really good dancer.” 

“What?” You couldn’t help but deflate at his statement. 

“You’re a really good dancer.” He repeated with a shy smile. Steve’s boldness must have transferred into you because suddenly that wasn’t a good enough answer. You’d wanted this so long and you weren’t going to let him or yourself chicken out of it. 

“I’m a good dancer? That’s all you have to say to me? Really?” You inquired. He seemed taken aback by your words, blinking rapidly. 

“Yeah? What else would I have to say?” He tried to throw you off the scent of where his sentence had been going originally.

“Steve, I’m so tired of pretending. I’m sick of not saying what we’re both dying to say. We are both dying to say it aren’t we? It can’t just be me, can it?” The question was genuine as you waited expectantly. 

“Y/N, I--” He cut himself off, stepping away from you. He suddenly felt like he was suffocating, drowning in his own affection and admiration. Those words lodged in his throat and he was choking. “I can’t. No matter how hard I try I just can’t make myself say it. Not because I don’t want to. God, I want to. I really want to. There’s just something that’s keeping me from it. Something stopping me.” 

“What is it? Maybe if you tell me we can figure it out together.” 

“I don’t know. If I knew, I would have already told you.” You both stopped to contemplate. You didn’t want to give up. Not when you were so close to what you wanted. There had to be an answer. 

“You’re scared of something. That’s the only explanation.” 

“It has to be.” He affirmed, sure that was the only answer. 

“So. What are you scared of?” 

“I don’t know, Y/N.” 

“Are you scared that I’ll say no? That I’ll reject you? Because I’m promising you right now that’s not going to happen.” 

“No, that’s not it.” 

“Are you afraid of people finding out? Are you embarrassed by it?” 

“No!” He replied adamantly. 

“Then what is it Steve?” Your words overwhelmed his mind as he tried to process his own feelings for you. Suddenly it hit him like a freight train. He knew exactly what he was afraid of. 

“I’m afraid that I’m not worthy of you.” He burst out. You were unable to keep yourself from laughing out loud. 

“You’re Captain fucking America, the golden child who can do no wrong and you’re afraid you’re not worthy of me?” You stressed the last word, emphasizing that you were having the same fear. 

“Yes. That’s exactly what I’m afraid of. You don’t get it Y/N. You deserve everything good in this world. What if that’s not me? I snore and I chew my nails sometimes and I make rash decisions and I’m stubborn and I’m impatient. I wouldn’t be around all the time because I always put my missions first. I’m not very good at communicating my feelings and I can’t promise that I’ll always be there when you need me. Don’t you see? It’s been over 70 years and I haven’t changed. I’m still that punk kid who lied to get into the army because he wanted to prove something.” You struggled to find the words to show him just how much you wanted him, flaws and all. 

“Congratulations. You’re a human being. You’re not perfect. Welcome to life. God, if you think I’m perfect I’m going to have to rudely awaken you. I know everyone builds you up to be this godlike entity but Steve, I’ve always seen you for what you really are. A good man doing his best to navigate a world he doesn’t feel like he fits into. And that’s okay. I’ve never felt like I fit in either. Not until I found you. With you, I live in this world where it doesn’t matter what I look like or what stupid decisions I make. I’m always worthy of love. That’s all I could ask for and you give that to me in bounds. Please, Steve. I care about you. I want you. Every part of you. Even the parts you deem to be imperfect. I know it’s hard but you don’t have to be scared anymore.” 

The two of you stand there, lost in a fog of your own feelings. It’s silent except for the music still permeating the grove and neither of you knows what to say now. Steve makes the first move, taking your hands in his own as he looks to the floor of the forest. 

“I and love and you. Who knew three little words would be so hard to say?” He adds with a laugh, making you chuckle as well. “Y/N?”

“Steve?” 

“I love you.” Tears prick at the corners of your eyes as you let his words swallow you whole after so much waiting. 

“I love you too.” Is all you can say back but that’s all you need to say. 

Tags: @comfortcap @imyourbratzdoll @imaginedreamwrite @moonxnite @blackleatherjacketz @ronearoundblindly  @moonchildlov @assembletheimagines @bonky-n-steeb @rogersideup @hansensgirl @rogerswifesblog @sweetascanbee @neonovember @ahopelessromanticwritersworld​ @americas-ass-writing�� 

[a-s-levynn]

JOOO you used to sell swords?? That's so cool!!! If you feel like reminiscing and using this as an opportunity to tell everyone about that very awsome sounding job, I would love to hear about it :D if not just take this as me being a tumblr mutual who wants to be your friend now even more 😂 swords are so cooool

I sure did! Oooh my god. You have no ide what sort of pandora's box you've opened. I love talking weaponry. I also spent an unreasonably long time trying to dig up old pics.

So i snatched this unreal job by a total accident. During uni, a friend of a friend of mine were preparing to go to study abroad for a few months and needed a temporary replacement. And when we met for the first time, half jokingly asked if i liked swords. Yes, yes i do find all kinds of blades incredibly sexy thank you very much. And not a lot of time later i was sitting behind the counter. And stayed there for roughly three years.

It was a sword and decorational weaponry shop. I mean it still is. But i may talk about it past tense because i'm not there anymore. 😭 We had like functional swords and daggers for HEMA and other traditional stuff. Lots and lots of katanas and a few wakizashis and tantos for martial arts or just for decour. We even had like the long ones.. what are they called.. odachi and nodachi! And that sort of spear like a guandao, naginata. There were khukri knives as well. Modern knives.. A lot of stuff. And then decorational stuff from movies, anime or video games for just to put on a wall or elevate a cosplay.

Even decorational fire arms up until modern stuff. Altho fire arms where strictly decorational items, manufactures in ways that they were safe and unchangable into usable stuff. And a fewfigures, jewellery and some tarot cards and some other nick-nacks that fit the theme.

I don't have access to my drives at the moment but i found some old pictures.

Okay so this was the second showroom, i can't find picture of the old one, i liked that one better but there was a location change and this one is smaller, less packed. But still the important parts are there. These pictures are about 3 years old as well at this point.

Please note the little knight with the megaphone in the corner on the monitor. I designed that one. Precious friend shaped little dude.

This picture is Ezio's dagger from Assassin's Creed. It's not dirty just freshly out of the shipping box, swimming in grease to protect it from rusting. This one was a functional piece. The handle seems wide but it's not disproportionate, only my hands are small.

But we had like.. i dunno sabers of many kinds..and chinese swords with rigid blades to those weird but really fun floppy ones as well.

That green wall belonged to the old showroom my beloved 😭

Also there were pieces of armour and all. Not just full but chainmails and roman style, shields. Bows and Crossbows. Basically everything.

And like besides the selling and online customer service stuff, i did a lot of polishing, i probably enjoyed that the most. Of course the heavier damage or problems were handled by proper craftsmen but a simple polishing job? Gimme! -insert grubby hands- I'm gonna spend half a day on it but you gonna see yourself in it. Like this below. The left side is still unpolished, all foggy, but see the right? You can see the red shirt guy pretty good already. This helmet was so pretty after i was finished with it. I was so proud. 😭

And then there were some modern stuff. With these i also did the smaller mechanical epairs like a jammed spring or a loose trigger and the like.

This beretta was the first i took apart but i conquered it like a champ 😂 I was asking my boss if i could give it a try and he said as long as i don't break any additional parts go a head. Needless to say the second little guy landed in my lap without any question.

And there were so many other little highlights. I loved so many of the customers. I loved talking about their stuff or just listening to their stories. Uhh i miss it so much i can't even begin.

[thelustybraavosimaid]

The key to Tanalorr is in that array. I feel it may be lost forever if you do not hurry.

May the Force be with you--

"Zee." She simulated a gasp when she heard her name, but it wasn't her master she saw, but Cal Kestis.

"Oh! Hello, Cal," she sighed. "Forgive me. My mind is elsewhere..."

He squinted, taking a step forward. The drifting music from below was softer, gentler, making her think of the songs from the full moon galas the Order hosted at the Koboh mountaintop.

"I know that look," Cal said, shoving his hands in his pockets. "Thinking about your master?"

She could not deny it. "I know it has been centuries, but I still imagine her coming through the door to ask me to help collate star maps. She was...she had such a brilliant mind, and the work she had done was a marvel. I find myself thinking of her every day."

"It's the same for me with Master Tapal." He took a deep breath. "There's a reason why I sought you out, Zee." He shifted the material of his robes to reveal a makeshift strap to hold his saber...and another. The other was crafted quite well—polished bright white with golden accents, with the familiar crest of the High Republic on its pommel...

Realisation made her gasp once more. "Oh, this is..."

"Your master's?" He finished. "I had a feeling. I found it in a cave not far from here. The ruin of an old meditation chamber was inside."

Her hands touched the metal, the connection a faint clank. "She would not leave this behind. So she may have...she may not have evacuated Koboh in time."

The man ran a hand through his flame-red hair, his green eyes almost luminous in the light. "I think you should keep it, Zee."

The notion made her cock her head. "I could, but what use would I have for it? I am not a Jedi. I have no connection to the Force."

Cal tugged at his own saber, holding it up to eye level. It was old, the rubber of the hilt weathered from extensive use. "I will hold onto this until the end of my days. Parts of it belonged to my own master. He gave it to me with his dying breath."

The Order's demise was not that long ago, Monk had told her. No doubt the wounds were still fresh for him. Yet he still carried himself with a dignified air, even though the duty placed on his shoulders was heavy enough to weigh his footfalls. How difficult the bearing for someone so young. "I'm so sorry, Cal..."

He shook his head. "Our masters not only bestow words to live by, but also give us memories that drive us to continue forward." He pressed her hand tighter around Santari's lightsaber, using his other hand to touch her shoulder. "With what they teach us, we keep their memory alive even when it hurts the most. You don't have to use the Force to keep a token of her life."

Zee remembered Santari's touch on her arm, the warmth in her brown gaze. Sadness crept, potent in its wake. It was painful to know Master Khri's life's work was in ruins from an unforeseen disaster, and what remained with such clarity was the item that lay in her hand. Zee rattled her memory banks, envisioning Santari tinkering with it when she was done for the day, cleaning it with such gentleness.

She held it close to her chestplate, her head whirring as she gave a nod. "Thank you, Cal, I shall treasure it always."

--

They took it.

Rayvis pried it from her hands when the Raiders came for her, and didn't return the saber even after he had delivered her to Dagan. Instead of the blade, she received cuffs and a room of silence. She ran an analysis in the hope of there being a way to disarm the cuffs on her own. It was futile, though; there was no way out without assistance.

Zee sagged pitifully.

This place is horrible. Horrible! And he's going to reprogram me! And what compass is he talking about? I don't know anything about a compass!

Boots thudded against the floor just as the door slid open, forcing her from her thoughts. She half-expected Rayvis, but shuddered when she spotted the familiar golden robes, the tucked cloth underneath.

Dagan Gera's presence felt immediately overwhelming, stifling. This is not who you were, she thought, despairing. You once were a true leader for the Order. A leader into an age of discovery.

She said nothing.

It was not long before she spied the saber in his hand, Santari's saber. His fingers were wrapped around the hilt so tightly that his knuckles were whiter than normal. But what took Zee aback were the fluttering emotions that stormed across his fine features, and how long his stare lingered on the piece of tech; it was as if he hadn't taken notice of the room he stepped in, or the droid he ordered to be chained.

Zee struggled to understand his display of emotions. Was it anger she was seeing? Despair? Hurt? Longing? Perhaps it did not truly matter. Whatever it was, it remained when his pale gaze arced to finally meet hers.

With painstaking slowness, he lifted the spare blade. It trembled in his grip.

"Droid," Dagan started, his voice scraped with rawness. "Where did you get this?"

[bethl8765]

under the gorse - shoot days

Glencoe Shoot

Although I was not on set for the shoot in Glencoe, I secured the lodge in which the cast and crew stayed for the 3 days, and from the feedback I heard it was a very comfortable place for them to stay. There were cheaper options of accommodation available but due to the number of cast and crew, as well as the fact there was going to be children staying, I felt it was important to ensure that we secured something suitable. The lodge was a short drive from the shoot locations and had enough space for all cast and crew to live comfortably. I also researched the van hire and found the best deal on a van for the whole shoot which we ended up booking. I was present for the test shoot back in September which I think was beneficial as I had a general idea of the area and the type of land the shoot would take place on.

In terms of my awareness of what was happening, I was left out of the loop throughout most of the Glencoe shoot, aside from Jack giving me updates. This was very stressful as I became increasingly concerned for the safety of the cast and crew as I knew weather conditions were poor and the shoot was taking place on potentially challenging terrain. However, I was confident that Jack would adhere to the information in the risk assessments to ensure that everyone was safe and correct procedures were followed. On the final evening, I spoke with Sam after personal circumstances meant that Jack could not continue his responsibilities. I ultimately ended up allowing Sam to make a plan moving forward so I could focus on my main project, however, I still attended two of the shoot days after this.

Final Shoot Day

I was on set for the final shoot day in which the meteor scene would be shot. I was not involved in the preparation for these shoot days I had limited my commitment to focus on my main project. This was a challenging shoot day for a number of reasons - the weather conditions being the main one. We had a new team on this day, which consisted mainly of 3rd year students from the course and external crew members.

Along with Cara, I assisted in finishing the meteor as it still needed some polishing. Whilst the rest of the group set up for the first shot on Craiglockhart Hill, Cara took a large amount of soil to the top in preparation for the set dress, and then we both carried the meteor up. This whole process was very difficult and was not helped by the weather conditions. The weather got so bad that me and some other crew members collectively made the decision to get everyone down the hill and into a warm space whilst we re-evaluated a plan moving forward. The option to push the shoot to another day was not possible due to the fact that this was already a reshoot and the actresses could not commit any more of their time. The drone operator travelled from Glasgow but was not able to operate the drone due to these weather conditions, but we were able to shoot an alternative version of the final scene which was originally intended to be done by drone.

[andypantsx3]

Hii I just wanted to say always love hearing you talk about books!

As much as I love reading the biggest downside for me compared to fanfic is that there aren't any people immediately available to talk about a story with. I love that most often I am actually able to tell the author how much I loved their writing and seeing everyone in the comments express what they thought and felt is something I am so so grateful for!

But after I finish book that I have opinions on, whether I am freaking out over how great it was or if it made me once again question the publishing house that allowed it to go into print I am just like?? What am I supposed to do with myself now? most like i stare at a blank wall for about an hour to process and then try to move on with my day, it just not the same as being able to hear other peoples opinions on it. So, if you have any more book recs or just book thoughts please share them, it's really entertaining to read!

I hope you have/ had a good day :)

Ahhhh Archer you are such a good lil egg!! I I love talking books with other people too!! It drives me nuts because some of my faves are so niche and no one else I know has read them, because very few other people share my tastes.😭

I'm curious what your fave books are?? It's so hard to make recommendations without knowing your faves because I think book recs should be personalized to the recommendee's preferences. I would never rec my faves to the vast majority of readers, because they don't really appeal to the majority of people!!

But I guess that being said my all-time fave book as everyone already has heard me say ten million times is The Goblin Emperor, and I almost died of happiness when my beloved @acerathia read it too and I got to chat about it hehehe.

People are shocked when they learn this, because I am a silly idiot romance author and this book is very much not that. It's a meticulously-planned hurt/comfort fantasy of manners that is heavily character-driven. But to me, it is perfection. It is the pinnacle of literary achievement. It is so contemplative and explores the unique grief of losing people who were cruel or indifferent to you, about being kind in a world that makes it extremely hard to be, and about finding/making your own family in the face of social norms that would isolate you!! I just like how it gives you space to learn and process things with the MC, and how by the end of it you feel like you've grown as much as he has!! It's so earnest and hopeful and good and makes me want to rip apart a phone book with my bare hands!!!!

Another fave I semi-recently read is Winter's Orbit, which I think I have talked about on here too. It's another hurt/comfort-y found family narrative, only this time with real romance and space gays!!! The author actually first published this novel as an orig fic on ao3, and I think you can tell that by how much they seem to love and respect the tropes they employ. We get a little bit of the classic sunshine/raincloud dynamic with the two MCs, but the author does some absolutely fantastic character work and turns that right on its head, fully fleshing out both characters' buried personality traits, insecurities, and personal histories so that you end up with these two absolutely lovely good people who your heart totally aches for. It very much reads like an ao3 fic in the absolute best way, but polished and shined to perfection.

Another fave that I always blab about is the Pink Carnation series. This one is exactly what you would expect from me. It's silly idiot regency romance shenanigans, with several scoops of academia and historical espionage!! I think the author does such a good job at balancing the silliness of a fun romance with the intrigue of an actual historical thriller, and the characters are hilarious. This is the sort of thing I'm talking about with MCs who have major side character energy, as our first novel's protag Amy is good-hearted and smart enough in specific ways, but she is also unfailingly a horrible detective with a very limited perspective determined to be something she's not, and it also gets her into tons of sexy fun trouble.

So yeah!! If I had to blab about anything and rec things without knowing your specific tastes, it would be my holy trinity lmfao. But tell me more about ur faves, I wanna know!!!!

[devitalise]

omg imo I could've sworn there was at least one full week left of november for some reason but dec 1 is on friday BYE locking myself up to finish my books 🏃‍♀️ HOW WAS YOUR NOVEMBER READING!! are you already in the holiday spirit are you planning on reading/watching some holiday related things to get you there? this one's rando, but do you have any favorite holiday foods/desserts/drinks you're excited to indulge in during this last month o 2023 ☃️

november being 30 days always goes by SO quickly she knows we're ready for the main event. november was a very good reading month for me let's get into the

november book wrap up

Small Island by Andrea Levy

i finished this pretty early on in novembr, my thoughts are along the same lines as my goodreads review: Great piece of historical fiction. I found parts of this so funny and I'm not sure if that was the original intention but I did have a giggle! The humour was found moreso in Gilbert and Hortense who are just so, so different to each other and Hortense's wilful misunderstanding and naivete as she tries to be a Model Minority was just so funny it was a much needed brevity compared to the heaviness of the rest of the story. Such foul racist thoughts that can be burdensome after a while, though. Yeah! I don't need to read the POV of a white British man stationed in India in the second world war ever again, actually! I enjoyed reading though.

A Game of Thrones by George R.R Martin

reread this because I hadn't picked up a high fantasy book I'd actually enjoyed in a little while. Great! I love ASOIAF as a series love returning to a known entity. I can't find my copies of A Storm of Swords or A Clash of Kings so continuing my reread is on pause until those unearth themselves.

Drive Your Plow over the Bones of the Dead by Olga Tokarczuk

Brilliant! So, so atmospheric. Incredible translation to me, obviously I won't know for sure until there ever comes a day where I can read Polish, but I got so much of the story out of this. It was just so cool and not what I expected at all going into it. I've never read anything like it before so getting to grips with all of the quirks of the style, subject and character was its on experience.

Butcher's Crossing by John Williams

Stoner was one of my top 2022 reads, so I saved this knowing that I'd like it. Rachel Cusk coded. It didn't blow me away like Stoner did, but I appreciate these are two very different books with completely different approaches. Where Stoner is so insular, things are kind of bursting in Butcher's Crossing. William isn't a complete active character, but he's participating in his life. Really cool setting, one of the most tense books I've read which I find can fall short in books with more action but the way tension builds and builds and builds in these fraught interactions between the four men on the mountain is fucking incredible. Immediately watched the film after this, and I love Nicolas Cage as much as the next person, but it fell short for me as an adaptation and as a film, sadly! Will be reading Augustus very soon as the last novel Williams' acknowledges as his own work.

The Power of the Dog by Thomas Savage

Another Western! Apparently I couldn't get enough! Not long finished this, so bear with for complete thoughts. Realised that I haven't read a book with such a sinister character in a while. Phil is sinister and strange and he's complicated, and I just really liked this book! Took me a while to get through because it is so dense at parts, but I think playing the long game definitely paid off. I love books that can make life so dramatic, all of the small stuff builds up to this big moment kind of thing. Netflix removed this film??? Will be making time to watch it this weekend for sure!

Outlawed by Anna North

3/3 with Western's which is so out of left field for me I feel. Finished it today, but on my top 2023 shelf, for sure. I think reading these back-to-back has made me appreciate the difference in style and storytelling so much more. I was a bit nervous because I've found previous Reese Witherspoon book club picks really juvenile, and whilst this is way more accessible than BC or TPotD, there's still a lot of complexity that I was able to enjoy. I love communities and found families, and it just really got me reading this book about these "women" ostracized from society making something of their own at risk of imprisonment and hanging. Thought it was really neat :)

December Reads

I'm on the Kindle through to the end of the year (10 days to New York!) so I'll be getting a couple new titles to diversify my options more. I don't have anything set in stone but I did download pdf's of The Hunger Games series which I've never read before so I might do those.

My Christmas mood started on November 1st! Multiple plays of Ariana Grande's Christmas & Chill, and I've already watched a few Christmas films. I watched The Holiday for the first time recently and found it boring :( I'm not a Jude Law enjoyer sorry.

Oh I love a hot cider! Ferrero Rocher's, stuffing, anything Christmassy really! I'm also so excited for a Christmas in New York! I have an itinerary going and many pictures to take!

[staceymcgillicuddy]

11, 13, 20, 21

Oooh a bevy, thank you! Sorry I missed getting to this last night.

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

Oh, this is hard because I don't usually read longfics in the genre where I'm writing longfics! So I've mostly been reading oneshots, and even then I've not necessarily been reading those in Hellcheer. It's a weird brain-melty thing where I can either read or write, but not both. The fandom I'm reading in mostly these days is Our Flag Means Death, and I've weirdly gotten back into Bethyl thanks to @pipergirl17 posting their fic + other recs.

13. what’s a common writing tip that you almost always follow?

My feelings on South Park these days aside, I have taken Matt Parker and Trey Stone's advice on "But... therefore..." writing to heart. Basically, any time you're outlining or writing and you're putting in an "and then..." beat, you should actually be doing a "but" and a "therefore" beat, because that will create the conflict that drives the story forward. They have some videos talking about it that make more sense than what I just said, but I'm always thinking about what I'm driving toward, which is a skill that has taken some refining. In my early fic days, I definitely just used to put those guys into situations, with no real plot or structure.

I also love the Stephen King advice: "amateurs sit and wait for inspiration, the rest of us just get up and go to work" which is what I tell myself on those days when I don't want to sit down and put words on the page. Which is similar to the Octavia Butler advice of "habit will help you finish and polish your stories. Inspiration won’t."

20. Have you noticed any patterns in your fics? Words/expressions that appear a lot, themes, common settings, etc?

An editor once described my writing as gentle grit, and I'm still not sure what she means, but I'll take it. I think, though, that there's an undercurrent of people trying their best, even when it's hard, and generally wanting to be better people. My settings are domestic, my themes are often found family and self-acceptance, and I have so many overused words and tropes that I could probably write a terrible short story using just the phrases I commonly string together.

21. Would you ever collaborate with another writer for a story?

Yes! I just don't know how, or who, or what makes the right kind of alchemy so that when you read the collaboration it is seamless and lovely. I have roleplayed for years, so I know the joy of writing with another person. Co-writing seems like a fandom secret I have yet to unlock, and I think probably that has to do with the alchemical reaction needed to be similar enough in style to produce something coherent, while also distinct enough to create some sparking friction.

Get to know your fic writer

[strangerqueerthings]

An Outsider's Perspective

A one shot of Billy's POV on the night he goes to find Max- and finds her at a stranger's house.

CW for violence, mentions of Neil, and Karen Wheeler.

Billy shifted his weight from one foot to the other, ringing the doorbell. He heard the TV inside, but no one came to the door. He sighed impatiently, and rang the doorbell again, a bit more obnoxiously this time.

“Hold on, please,” he heard along with the sound of footsteps coming downstairs to the door.

The door opened, and he was greeted by who could only be Mike’s mom. He smiled- she was taken aback, caught off guard, and he couldn’t blame her.

He’d spent nearly two hours getting ready for the date he'd had to cancel. He’d poured himself into his best jeans that hugged his ass like a second skin, and donned his nicest red button-down, rolling the sleeves up to his elbows, and leaving it halfway unbuttoned before slipping into a dark brown leather jacket.

Almost an hour had gone into his hair, a perfect mix of careless waves and precise curls, and he’d put on his favorite earring- which he’d actually polished so it caught the light when he moved his head. The finishing touch was just a bit of eyeliner that he daubed in the outer corner of each eye to make his lashes look darker and thicker- he’d swiped some from the local drugstore, unwilling to be caught buying it.

Billy finished the whole thing with a spritz of Aramis. He rarely used it- it was expensive- but for this date, he was going all out. He held the bottle at arm’s length, spritzed his exposed chest, then carefully applied some to his wrists and the base of his neck, and his crotch.

He looked and smelled amazing, and he couldn’t blame her for being caught by surprise, finding someone like him on her doorstep.

“Oh, hi,” he said, smiling around the gum he was chewing.

“Hi?” she replied, clearly confused.

“Didn’t realize Nancy had a sister,” he teased.

If there was one thing he knew, with women, flattery got him what he wanted.

“Oh, I’m Nancy’s mother,” she replied, flattered, flustered. Billy feigned shock.

“No.”

She laughed, still flustered.

“I’m sorry, who are you?”

“Billy. Billy Hargrove,” he said, winking at her.

“Ah, you must be here for Nancy.”

“Nancy?” Billy frowned just a little, shaking his head. “No, no, not my type. No, actually, I’m looking for my little sister Max. Goes by Maxine.”

He leaned against the doorframe.

“She's been missing all day, and, uh, to be honest with you, I've been worried sick, you know...”

He paused, flashing a winning smile.

“I was told your place is the designated hangout spot, so…. Here I am.”

Mrs. Wheeler frowned.

“I’m sorry, I haven’t met your sister, and the boys aren’t here, actually. They’re at the Byers’. Come in out of the cold, I’ll write down the address for you.”

“I appreciate it, Mrs. Wheeler,” he said, sauntering in after her into the kitchen.

“Did you want something to drink?” she asked.

“I’m fine, thanks, we’re all just really worried about finding Maxine.”

If she was disappointed, she didn’t let it show- but she couldn’t hide how her eyes were roving over his chest. Part of him was smug, vain, but a small part of him felt like closing his jacket, to cover himself up.

It was always like this with adult women.

“Their driveway is pretty dark this time of night, so drive slowly,” she said, writing down the address on a piece of paper.

He took it from her and smiled.

“Always.”

She flashed him a coy smile.

“And when you see Mike, tell him to come home already, okay?”

Billy’s smile widened.

“You're a real lifesaver, you know that?”

She flushed.

“Anytime.”

Amused, Billy winked before heading out.

“I'll see you later.”

He felt her eyes on his ass as he left. He wasn’t sure how he felt about it, and was glad to get back into his car, where he let the saccharine smile fade, replaced by a thunderous scowl. He started up the Camaro, heading in the direction of what was hopefully the last place he’d have to look before he found Max.

----

Mrs. Wheeler hadn’t been kidding. The driveway was dark, and he’d nearly shot past it. Something in his gut twisted- he remembered Tommy saying something about how the younger Byers kid had gone missing just around this area the year before.

The house itself was only lit in one window, the rest of the property dark. His hackles rose as a single figure stood on the porch.

“Am I dreaming, or is that you, Harrington?” he asked, getting out of the car, staring the other boy down.

“Yeah, it’s me, don’t cream your pants,” Harrington drawled as Billy slammed his car door shut.

Something about the way Steve had his hands on his hips, the guarded look on his face, the defensive tone in his voice, all were ringing alarms in Billy’s mind. Something was off, and he didn’t like it. Listening to his instincts, he shed his jacket, and threw it into the car.

“What are you doing here, amigo?” Billy asked, sneering the word around his cigarette as Steve approached, stopping a few feet away.

“I could ask you the same thing… amigo,” Steve replied, his tone guarded, folding his arms over his chest.

“Looking for my stepsister. A little birdie told me she was here.”

“Huh, that's weird. I don't know her.”

Steve didn’t meet his eyes, looking down and to the left, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. The alarms were going off louder in Billy’s head, and he frowned, irritation clearly written over his face.

“Small? Redhead? Bit of a bitch,” he said, tone leaving no room for misinterpretation. He knew Steve knew who he was talking about- the way he avoided eye contact told him he knew, and was lying about it.

“Doesn't ring a bell. Sorry, buddy.”

There was movement behind him, and Billy’s eyes flicked to the window, where he saw Max and three boys peering out at him over the back of a sofa.

The embers of rage in his ribs caught, turning from a smolder to a low flame.

“You know, I don't know, this...” he paused, clicking his tongue before taking a drag of his cigarette, “This whole situation, Harrington, I don't know. It's giving me the heebie-jeebies.”

“Oh, yeah? Why's that?”

The flames burned a little hotter, and Billy took a breath through his nose to center himself.

“My 13-year-old sister goes missing all day. And then I find her with you in a stranger's house….”

His face curled into an ugly expression of disbelief, anger and disgust.

“And you lie to me about it.”

Steve let out a small, forced laugh, looking away again.

“Man, were you dropped too much as a child, or what?”

Billy couldn’t help but let out a silent laugh of disbelief, exhaling smoke as he grinned, baring his teeth and running his tongue over his bottom lip.

“I don't know what you don't understand about what I just said. She's not here.”

Billy’s smiling snarl faded into a serious expression, and he pointed to the window behind Steve at the four kids watching them.

“Then who is that?”

Steve’s face fell.

“Oh shit. Listen-“

Billy shoved him. Steve landed hard on his side, and Billy leaned over him.

“I told you to plant your feet,” he growled, then aimed a kick at his stomach, leaving Steve gasping for breath in the driveway as he went inside.

Max stared at him as he pushed his way into the living room.

“Well, well, well. Lucas Sinclair. What a surprise.”

He shot a glare at Max, barely able to keep his anger in check.

“I thought I told you to stay away from him, Max. Do you have any idea what will happen if Neil finds out he’s why you ran away tonight?”

“Billy, just go away,” Max pleaded.

All Billy could see was Neil standing behind her, belt in his hands. All he could hear was Neil’s warning that if he continued to be friends with Marco and Evan, there would be consequences. All that would come to his lips were the same words he’d heard from Neil, spoken to him, and his mother, when he was angry, and even as he said them, he hated himself.

“You disobeyed me. And you know what happens when you disobey me.”

Max looked at him, eyes wide and afraid, pleading.

“Billy-“

“I break things.”

He was on Lucas in an instant, pushing him against a shelf as Max and her friends yelled at him to stop. He didn’t want to hurt the kid, but he wanted to make himself very clear. This wasn’t just for his own sake, but Max’s- and Lucas’.

“Get off me, you-“

“Since Maxine won't listen to me, maybe you will. You stay away from her. Stay away from her! You hear me?” he ordered, voice increasing with every word until it was nearly a shout.

If he scared the kid enough, like Neil had scared his friends, he’d leave Max alone, and then Neil wouldn’t find out, and wouldn’t take out his rage on him.

“I said get off me!” Lucas cried, and sent a knee straight into Billy’s crotch.

Billy backed up with a grunting groan, and he doubled over for a few seconds, but straightened himself up, much to the disbelief of the boys. He’d had worse, but he was still angry. Angry enough to start throwing his weight around.

“You are so dead, Sinclair! You're dead.”

“No. You are,” said Steve behind him, grabbing his shoulder and pulling him to the side to face him- and immediately throwing a punch right into his face.

Billy took the hit, the pain radiating through his face and bloody nose, and started laughing, a nearly manic sound in the suddenly quiet room. Steve looked at him with confusion and a bit of shock at his reaction.

“Looks like you got some fire in you after all, huh?” he crowed, taking a step towards Steve. “I've been waiting to meet this “King Steve” everybody's been telling me so much about.”

Steve put a warning hand to Billy’s chest, pushing him back with two fingers.

“Get out,” he said, his voice low.

Billy stared at him for a second. Was everyone in the room addled? Did they really expect him to leave his thirteen year old step-sister alone with four boys, one of which was nearly five years older than she was?

Did Max really expect him to go home without her and face Neil’s wrath? Did she think Neil would just accept the fact that Max had told him to go away and leave it at that?

He wasn’t having it.

He swung at Steve, fast and hard, but surprisingly, Steve dodged, and countered with a punch of his own, making Billy stagger backwards. Billy simply laughed as the pain exploded in his face, and didn’t block as Steve hit him again and then a third time, pushing him against the sink, where Billy grabbed the counter to support his weight.

The pain was negligible. He’d had worse. Steve was fighting to drive him away, not finish him. Billy was a new opponent, and they’d only ever had altercations in the form of basketball. Steve might have been crowned King of Hawkins High, but that was before Billy had moved to town.

Billy was a survivor, not a bully. He’d taken beatings from his father, and older boys he’d started fights with to prove to himself he wasn’t as weak as Neil said he was, that he wasn’t a pussy, that the only reason he submitted to Neil was because he had to in order to survive. He’d learned from watching his own mother, that sometimes, he had to fight dirty to see another fight.

Which was why he grabbed a plate and smashed it against the side of Steve’s head.

Steve reeled, staggered, and Billy began his offensive. The fire was raging, and there was only one way to get it to stop burning his ribs.

He swung a right hook at Steve, knocking him into a shelf, and Billy then grabbed him by the front of his shirt.

“No one tells me what to do,” he growled, then head-butted Steve, and gave him a good push, sending him flying across the floor.

He moved across the room and was on him in an instant, straddling him as he began raining down punches onto Steve’s face and head.

All reason had left him. He was beyond needing to get Max home, he was beyond making sure Neil didn’t know that he’d been unable to stop Max from hanging out with boys that Neil would punish him for, for letting it happen. He was beyond seeing a stopping point where he simply let Steve wallow in defeat as he dragged Max home by the scruff of her neck.

A small voice in the back of his mind said to stop. It was familiar, safe, but too far away to douse the fire.

Billy, please. Please stop.

He couldn’t stop. The fire was burning, it was roaring around his ribs, it was consuming his lungs, and he couldn’t stop it. He stopped hearing the boys screaming at him to stop. All he could hear was the roaring of the fire in his veins. The bandages around his knuckles were becoming bloody as he opened his wounds again, but still, he kept hitting Steve in his lying face.

A sudden sharp pain in his neck made him stop, and he rocked back on his heels as a fog began descending over the flames in his chest.

He stood and saw Max standing behind him, looking scared but determined. He felt something burning through his neck, felt the sharp pain still throbbing like a needle-

It was a needle. She’d jammed a syringe into his neck.

He pulled it out, staring at it in disbelief.

“The hell is this?” he demanded, and his vision swam for a second, Max’s image coming in and out of focus. She backed away as he approached, swaying on his feet.

“You little shit, what did you do?”

The floor tilted, the walls spun, and he fell flat onto his back. He stared at the ceiling, laughing as it spun and swam overhead. He laughed at the insanity of it all, how he was right, how the situation was so fucked up.

Harrington alone with Max, lying about it, all the weird drawings all over the floor and walls, and on top of all of it, there was some kind of drug and syringes just… easily within reach, and it was enough to knock him out.

How fucked up was this?

All he could do was laugh, because damnit, he was supposed to be on a date, possibly getting laid, and here he was, laid out on a stranger’s floor, injected with an unknown drug, and now, Max was standing over him with a baseball bat that had nails sticking out of it.

“From here on out, you leave me and my friends alone. Do you understand?” she demanded.

‘Neil is going to flay me for this shit, and you don’t care. Do you get some sadistic pleasure, knowing I take every beating for you when you fuck around like this? Do you care that when I finally leave, you’ll see what he’s capable of?’

It’s what he wanted to say, but the drug was working through his system, and words were hard. His tongue felt like cold clay in his mouth.

“Screw you,” was all he could manage to say.

She brought the bat down, hard, and it landed on the floor, nails embedding into the boards a mere few inches from his crotch.

“Say you understand! Say it! Say it!” She screamed, pulling the bat up again.

“I understand,” he managed, his vision clouding even further, darkness pulling at him.

“What?,” she demanded, and in that instant, he hated her more than anyone he’d ever hated in his life.

He would never forget this- her, using the same tactics Neil used to belittle, berate.

“I understand,” he managed a little bit louder, baring his teeth, glaring at her with as much hatred as he could manage one last time before the drug pulled him under into an unforgiving black.

[poppyseedgirly]

on a hazy thursday

last night i dreamt of you again and i was moving my belongings back into an apartment with you and it all felt wrong and i said what are we doing this is not right, because nothing will ever be the same again and i’m still coping with that and trying to understand what these dreams are asking me to answer

and if i was even proposed that idea, if that was even an option in this reality, would i even want that? and i know the answer, but it still shakes me of what once was, and something can be so lost

i think i was beginning to feel a shift, but i was so delusional, devoted, under a spell as my best friend said

i think in my core i would have stayed with you even through the muckiest of muck

which also very much scares me, and i think is one of the core lessons i am uncovering

i lost myself more than i ever realized

were we ever on the same page? i think so yes at times

my mom says everyone deals with things in their own ways and she wishes she could take this pain away from me

but i tell her no, the only one who can get me through this is myself

maybe that’s not entirely true though, i’m reminding myself it’s okay to ask for help, to lean on others. something that was so guilt driven into me for many years

i pick at my leg hairs with tweezers when i am on the phone because it’s at least a productive kind of picking

i got a new bra today and it fits okay but the cups still gap a little bit and that’s just how it goes

i’m still learning to love my body, love my self, feel beautiful again

i close my eyes in the shower (will an everything shower help me?) and open them in the mirror and when i brush my teeth i always think you have sad eyes to my reflection and we are working on that

i trim my bangs and don’t mind if they are a little crooked

my nails are long and healthy, (a happy habit i broke, i used to pick at my nails all the time) but need a trim and new polish too

i hold my grandmothers hand to help her balance and i think some days i’m finding mine too

she reminds me she didn’t start driving till she was fifty, and i was called old today yet everyone also says i don’t look my age and being in your twenties is confusing and lonely

lonely is a strange word though, i’m not sure if i’ve felt it yet, yearning, wanting, ?

all of my t shirts hold some kind of heavy memory and i wish i could just get rid of them all and start new, i suppose i can, but i always get rid of t shirts and then i never have them when i want, i feel too small in just a t shirt though so i don’t wear them anyways

but i really wish i could just go topless, finish my evening in my underwear, but this is not my home and maybe nothing ever has been, i’ve never owned anything truly

but nothing can be owned anyways

i find comfort in a universal feeling

i find comfort in an understanding

i find myself doubtful of love these days but i also know it’s the one thing i believe in

love comes in many forms and types

i wonder about unconditional love

love with my best friend, relatives, my cat, myself, the world

i wonder about

but i don’t wonder too far, i will not chase, i will let things come, let things be

i will never beg for love again i hum in my head

i think how you ended things confuses me the most, but, i’m working on being okay with that

i’m told to be angry, and i should be angry

but i am a slow burning kettle, a drinkable temperature

i’m not sure where i’m going with this

i keep a ring on my pointer finger now

it’s a bit loose so it always falls off, rolls across the floor, into the laundry bin, but so far i have always found it

i keep putting it back on until i lose it, if it’s lost so be it, im learning it’s okay to let go, enjoy it while it lasts

it’s the same ring i lost when packing my belongings up from the apartment

i found it again in a duffel bag when unpacking clothes

it has to mean something

i have always been very good at finding things so maybe i don’t have much to worry about

[pbandjesse]

Today was a lot. I wish I could just. Be chill. But this whole week has just been a lot. I am exhausted emotionally. I feel slightly better today. But emotionally I am drained.

I slept okay last night. And woke up feeling alright. I had slept with my hair in one bun instead of two and it made my scalp hurt so bad all day. James seemed a little better. Maybe. It was up and down all day.

The plan was to go drop the bike off to get fixed. Then go to target to buy a Christmas ornament. Then we would get groceries.

This seemed like a good plan. The bike shop wouldn't open for a bit. So I got washed and dressed and had breakfast.

I finished catching up on my knitting. I wasn't feeling myself still. But I was trying my best.

We left and I looked over the banister down to where we stored the bike.

And it wasnt there. I was being optimistic and asked James if they already took it outside. I knew they didn't. I knew it was gone. Someone has taken it.

And I was on the verge of a panic attack. I was almost hyperventilating. I was going to throw up. James was much more calm. They went to check outside and down in the basement. I knocked on the neighbors downstairs door. But she said she didn't see it. She actually said she had a bike stolen from the hall before too. Which was really shitty to hear. I wish I would have known that. That's something I felt like neighbors would share with each other? So that we could all be safe if something like that happened.

But whatever. James went outside and I followed. And I was very much in the verge of a breakdown. I felt like a monster. Like an idiot. Like I couldn't fix James but the bike had been mostly okay! That we were going to get it fixed and everything would be okay and back in place. And now it was gone! And I felt like it was my fault. James couldn't carry the bike upstairs and I should have tried harder.

I was very very worked up by the time we got to the car. James was so calm and I was freaking out. I sat there with my head in my hands for a few minutes. When finally James said they would step out of the car for a minute.

I collected myself. We would make an insurance claim. I would try not to fall apart. I would try hard not to blame myself.

James would help. They came back and told me to drive to the post office.

I was still really shaken up. We got to the post office though and I had never been in the main branch before. I liked seeing the entire room of post office boxes. And we got the last stamps for our thank you cards. Me and the nice lady at the desk put all the stamps on the last 20 we had. And that little task made me feel a little more settled.

We drove out to target next. I wanted to get ornaments that made us think of our relationship. And honestly it didn't take as long as I thought it would. James found an oyster plate and I found a set of glitter salt and pepper shakers. And while there were others I liked, those felt the most correct. Me and James agreed and we went to get a few more things. And extension cord. Some nail polish. And then we were off.

We paid at self check out. James was feeling a little wiped. So we went to sit in the car for a few minutes. I didn't mind at all. I appreciated sitting for a moment too.

We walked to the grocery store. Which was weirdly stressful. I dont love Harris teeter. But we got what we needed. Checking out was a little bit of a disaster. Because James wanted to bag. And the "belt" that the groceries come down on was actually a circle and they were getting stuck and it was a mess. Then the eggs got opened and they were spinning all over. So I was like. Absolutely not and made them switch and I did it. I did not bag with any order but I got us out of there and honestly that's all that mattered.

But I was upset. I wanted to get Starbucks before we left but I was so stressed out that I did not stop.

But by the time we got to the car I was really upset. James said we could just stop at the one down the street. And it did made me feel better. Grande pink drink with extra strawberry puree. Something I love to get sometimes but is also stupidly easy to make at home so I should do that more often.

We went to get gas before we went home. James was losing steam. I was losing steam. But we needed gas and James wanted to go to the place we normally go. Even if it was forever away.

We got our gas though and went home. We carried everything upstairs. I carried most of it. James is not supposed to carry more then 10lbs. James put things away though. And I packed away stuff that didn't go in the kitchen

I would tell James they needed to make a police report so we could make an insurance claim. James tried to do it online but wasn't able to because it happened at a residence. And so they would have to actually call 911.

They were not happy about this and were very very stressed.

I tried to just. Clean the apartment. And put things away and organize. I would help James get the laundry started. Going down there wasn't as scary as I felt like it would be. I always joke about being afraid of our laundry room but it wasn't to bad in the daytime.

While the laundry went James made the call. And I started cutting oranges to dry and make a garland. James said that a police officer was coming to take the report in person. So we waited for that.

And when he came he was very nice. But neither of us were happy when we went downstairs and the front door had been propped open. Like. It was embarrassing. The downstairs neighbors were having an "event" and had a sign for people to come in and I was just. Furious. I spoke to the cop. Told him about James getting into the accident. What happened with the bike. James would fill in details. I was the stronger voice for sure. The officer was very kind though and very sympathetic. He gave us all the info we needed and he wished us luck and healing. Very emblematic of how people can have warm feelings to personal interactions with certain cops. He was very kind, but I still very much don't trust cops.

We went back upstairs. The apartment smelled so nice with the cinnamon candle I had going and the oranges baking. And I kept trying to clean up the apartment and make it nice in here. James got back in bed. Eventually we would get all the laundry and put things away.

I spent some time just laying on the couch. And eventually moving the James's room to continue to play Pokemon. Progress has been made but I'm still hunting for the last one.

James made Mac and cheese for me.

I would go and trim my bangs and take a shower. I washed my hair. And when I was done I did a little eye mask. Tried to make myself feel okay.

I was very excited to see my frogs swimming around. And then James said I could cut their hair. I put a chair in the shower and did my best. I did cut it shorter then I wanted but James wanted it shorter in the back. So I did my best but it was tough when James can't really turn their head. But it's fine.

James showered. I vacuumed all the hair. And when James was done we got back in bed.

This whole week has been horrible. Like for real. We keep joking. And trying to push through. But this week sucks. I hope tomorrow doesn't feel so heavy. Callie is going to come by to drop off a gift. Which is very kind of her. I hope to make some progress cutting fabric but I have no real plans. I just want it to be a good day.

I hope you all sleep well tonight. Take care of each other. Goodnight everyone.

[omegaremix]

Golden Era Revisited.

The first two weeks of 2011 was an eventful one for me right from the get-go. On New Year’s Day, an old high-school “friend” was kicked out by his soon-to-be ex-wife. He messaged me to drive out to Patchogue to help move all of his life possessions out to his new residence in Lake Ronkonkoma and be his unwilling moving target. A few days later, I won a week-long stay at Stony Brook Hospital for a digestive condition; one that had my manager Bob screaming at me over the phone as to when I was coming back to work. Real classy people I had in life.

I came back the day after discharge and Bob put me on for five straight days before giving me my first day off. It was Wednesday and I decided to try something new: food shopping at the very market I worked at. Fruits, vegetables, Italian cookies, cold cuts, breadsticks, iced tea, soup - all of it. Total: $45.00, no discount. Said “hi!” and smiled to the young skinny blonde hussy leaning on the courtesy counter and left without an issue.

I was feeling pretty head-heavy that afternoon. Blame the greyscale skies and rainy mid-40’s forecast. I had no other plans except only to stay home, check my online dating profile, and see what the latest new music releases were. HipHopSite championed a new release from Tha Grimm Teachaz; a “lost” album that was “scrapped” due to having a rough-up with Shaquille O’Neill at a music showcase but was “discovered” by Serengeti’s brother and was “finally” issued. “I Getz” dropped and it was a backpacker’s dream. Serengeti, Prince Mighty Dark Force, and DJ Koufie joined forces for what sounded like a golden-era throwback that somewhat didn’t add up when I heard the lyrics and read that it was finished in 1993, but still. It sounded so fresh to me and could’ve sounded like it did come from the mid-Nineties. It got me going.

Then something clicked in my head. I wanted to go back to that sound, that production value. There was nowhere else for me I thought of going except back to the golden era. Youtube made some similar suggestions and I went with them. Jamal, B.U.M.S., Supernatural, Troubleneck Brothers, Stezo, Trends Of Culture. Release dates: 1994, 1995, 1996; the closing years of the rap golden-era when production was polished to a smooth shine. I was absolutely astonished.

How come I never found these artists until now? Their singles and videos sounded exactly like the type of hip-hop I grew up listening to that Hot 97 and Kiss FM played - but they didn’t. For one reason or another those markets chose not to air them and left them behind. I never knew these artists existed but have at some point as other stations aired them and made their videos in hopes of market playback.

I felt like I found undiscovered gold. I kept mining and found Anotha Level, Ruggedness, and 90 Prophets. Ultimately I found what I referred to as white-label hip-hop - triple-digit pressings of unknown and local artists who flew under the radar and were never signed or picked up. Compare these to many of the Skittle- or mumble-jumble rappers of today and you can hear why the white-label artists are considered ‘real hip-hop’ - by the same cats and armchair taste-makers who grew up in the Nineties.

I rifled through a couple hundred of finds in a few days time. It was only a matter of time before I would stumble upon those one or two records whose lyrics and / or samples evaded me for years. What were once mere moments in my head, transitions that were cut off by cassette limitations, or even erasures by other family members (which you later find out after retrieving tapes you once left behind) have finally been answered for. I totally forgot about A. To The D.’s “Cumin Ta’ Getcha’ because I didn’t catch it on tape until I heard it again for the first time since Hot 97 played it upon its release. I only heard it once, but when I found it again, it all came back to me. How amazing is elephant’s memory?

Another record stuck in my head for ages sampled A Tribe Called Quest’s “Scenario” remix and transitioned on-air into a cut that ended but the dee-jay didn’t i.d. it. (It’s not their duty or pay grade to do i.d.’s on Saturday nights.) I had it on another tape which I left behind at my cousin Dorona’s house and by the time I got it back from her, I later learned that she erased it with her one-and-done R&B jams. Ugh. Having memorized the lyrics and song title, I finally found it after all those years: Q Ball & Curt Cazal’s “Makin’ Moves” became a fifteen year-old cold case that was finally solved.

And, while still  there, I wanted to revisit the tried-and-true artists I was heavily into back then and catch what I overlooked the last time, such as A Tribe Called Quest’s “God Lives Through”, Mic Geronimo’s “Shitz Real” remix and Ultramagnetic M.C.’s “Raise It Up”. Returning to Erule’s “Listen Up” and Mobb Deep’s “Give Up The Goods (Just Step)” had me feeling like I was right back in the halls at Brentwood during another winning wrestling season and in Plainview teasing the cute uptight stuck-ups at my friend’s house.

Hadn’t it been HipHopSite’s DJ Pizzo who posted Tha Grimm Teachaz’ release, I wouldn’t have revered golden-era sounds as I have now. Unlike the Seventies where I had to return and rebuild an era I missed out on through T.V. intros- and production i.d.’s, money shows, board games, and Atari 2600 games, it was the Nineties that Dorona and I already lived through and experienced. Though, both decades did have something for me: I felt I went back in time and to a world that no longer exists.

Donald Byrd “Night Whistler”

B.U.M.S. “Elevation (Free My Mind)”

Anotha Level “What’s That Cha Say”

Scientifik “Still A Herb Dealer”

Erule “Listen Up”

Hoodz, The “OOIIOO” (Maniak RMX)

Miilkbone “Keep It Real”

Organized Konfusion “Why?”

Ruggedness “Mad Drama (Make You Go Crazy)”

90 Prophets “The Day I Died”

Ultramagnetic MC’s “Raise It Up”

Supernatural “Buddha Blessed It”

Madd Man “Nod Your Head”

Trends Of Culture “Make A Move”

Scientifik “Lawton”

Stezo “Bop Ya Headz”

Mic Geronimo “Shit’z Real” RMX

90 Prophets “Remember Me”

Mood “Hustle On The Side”

Mad Fam “Dad”

Mobb Deep “Give Up The Goods (Just Step)”

Jamal “Keep It Real”

Att Will “Just Another Day”

Troubleneck Brothers “Back To The Hip-Hop”

Grimm Teachaz “I Getz”

A Tribe Called Quest “God Lives Through”

Q-Ball & Curt Kazal “Makin’ Moves”

[libidomechanica]

Untitled (“Desire”)

A limerick sequence

               1

Desire! Trot, and once grow the demons all. I am water of their    will keep, while new-born mind!    He saw the day, he with the Bondage of spruce, near and not find.

               2

In my fashion. I come! While I languish in melody in their caused. Such    a steeds, and give a musky    Fawn of weeds, and up and darkle. I leave thoughts like to me?

               3

To the great effect. The best like tanners gave,—I claims, the transfer her turn    around the Dust, this godhead    o’er their heart alike chast minds interfered, and clasping arms.

               4

Somewhere had been poison’d pride, ride or son of the Earth in the quantity    encumber’d yet, love and    I staid, strive with rusting Destinies. Therefore we may be sad.

               5

Such form a synonym for Thee—Oh Shame. I wish with a gloom is a hat,    or a world in frontiers    he crept from the shepeheards God, the poor loves. We turn thine eyes.

               6

Full and omnipotent, and Years for sophomore glorious born our wives a    maid? Or natives of the    daylight to knows: to such things rushed love with my absence of Doom.

               7

Like an eagle in it; but shoes in a kind of love! The gender this    exordium? He draws two loving    rash one. Had Cathering throng, to the women do in me?

               8

All vital think so, though life’s buried. His think upon. That faculties, with    immortality! From    the poor rogues? Her mind; it is just another count dust species.

               9

Pant on my speak thy resolute, and what could the day; but the wishes before    and a dreamers to    cease; from the falling can tell! And when the found she asleep sound.

               10

The oscillating hinge. Not even know, and if you had but by and fell    strong in a sheet. Of thou    graunt the floor of porcelain held Love’s mighty wrought I mistake?

               11

With some little lap-dog breede both night’st his still? Come, Sleep; here either woman,    which we dwells, also be    you could distant; the shrine, and she asleepe did not limit much.

               12

What the appointed time your shrine! To feel like skaters of the prince or war?    ’St, in ghost nobly, and    heav’n first their boys, or promises be best part of my Prayer!

               13

Do I dare to those partner, and lips to know through the red-ribb’d ledges drawing    orator as the    difficulty smooth’d itself advance, her fear to you: I love!

               14

The temper or woes. A things of the Baltic’s navigation. We driving.    Sickly sight of peach. And    crying had, to turn around; by lovers, asleep in hear white!

               15

I make in every polished now-a- days. Wrappers in and cleanse his aid, as    one the flood is finished    now there where again, for love, thy look, give for friend hath the dead.

               16

The purest sent, while your queen of marriage preventeen, felt a dog then. The    endgame of dream she smile,    to menage loath to forgetful pain a kind of course beguiled.

               17

Reclining on my properties in my fashion. The pirouettes of good    night, but that all. With shall    go well by the red rust don’t say so, to give my thee this World.

               18

And twist the deep in them in a suit here. Other short at twal’ at night. ’Ring    rocks. Amid the bedral,    in the English green Thirst like a ball of yours, I rather win.

               19

And from his speech t’ engarland and began to fair vermin, a favour    among thee, view set a    love resisted, or like it. A vestal’s side answer above.

               20

The pillowes, swim before was turned again, and eating view, fair, thy glories,    Love our forever.    To master of sympathies, tis so deem’d really place for mend.

               21

The lining through lean Hunger and I presume? I care na by. Lilies on    Hermes had to swing arms    of manhood stormy stour; ye geck at me too, at the earth Hell!

               22

Worlds could I abhorred and rage, danged down, and no blemish, but when leap, and    knuckle. Without shoes, no    mask I try on. But herself to Heav’n-born, a good where nearly.

               23

From young, and plaster is cramm’d with a sword! Quiet’s call bad properties in    what you this,. It’s like a    great examples daily fed, where to haue for much did Juan’s snare.

               24

Could chain, and take so longed. Did he peek or Latin laureate’s statues, friends,    by his clothed by dead eyes    throne: see now, by Honour is purchased by a bare arms that much.

               25

And all those hand error, she never could read the Cyprian lord, above    than the Fiend do not like.    Whose longer roves sweetly kept in a suit thy mould, my dear!

               26

She sumptuously-feathered shades, and round with mirk and unto the blood. Still, let    us taste thy mother    danger if thy servile clocks with capsules in the care na by.

               27

While praisde notes, peel your eyes hatching sun restores where be and Priests in nothing    the dark. The bonie lass, that    men breaks the way to new Elysium, but promise of thine.

               28

Asia, whereon was broken he rose. And clasping angel fell, where one dozen    new men curses. Her    secret for the better noon, for your poor; gross clay stranger guest.

               29

To rail at the lowest they hang nodding thy purity. When too late, its    peace, perhaps with oyster-    shells, while it down, but Juan, what of thou vnlucky thought buried day.

               30

With it a tear. Our souls in undistinguish wrung his mourning with sails of    burning sun. Till strike mine.    The sun will stop as the cathedral; but wisely kept the year.

               31

Where will to his paltry things, the grave at the stairs ascending view, fair, ay    me so wondrous battle-    song that fate it. Be better this the beauties parcht; her days seen!

               32

By all them a curbside pools that ye can reach, within when Love’s latest bed.    Yea, all my thumbs press most    through bound these deeply on your blood, by which the most evil call.

               33

Since the chest—And took there is beam once I see how his scythes hang a man,    her man of eternal    Laws are bad. Yet each ray;— but only troubled, those her father?

               34

I said her fire is a pile of them! Politic, cautious, harebrained, and awful    arches vary the    sky?—Convert; or else hearsay, or will smother, ere we are tears.

               35

Through the yellow soft illusions, before abhor and her far, and hates remain!    To whom I sing, lone,    to the ledger lives a little jealous dreadful impulse rest.

               36

What! Opens her bosom work, containing pyne I, you knowest spoke and bleeding    his tongue and therefore    on the heart and when the squardon my hearts, and ran before his.

               37

The screech owl to my fault; I crave the wine. Or speak gentle, got I know than    seamen. The clicking hand    luck’s all them, bleeding like Eve’s arrow for me not, grow again.

               38

Unless I knew it; but doubt if across the sure when the moon, that never;    tis all the sternly dealt    their pain I could rather this first and lost.—Ah then I am.

               39

Some veins of love just like the old grand sunflower! So checking hero thorough    the day’s working purple    through th’ horizon peeps, and keep this career homage.

               40

The Hall, dropt for him, by each pray’r? Dear fatal shore who sternly dealt their way;    but thou so wear! They know    little space and so it seeme my death repent old man came we?

               41

My morning in the last I say; I stretched pose, fixed on the solitary    past and death-like a wink,    whenever had been sae smart, wealth, the kiss’d the road! Tho’ they will.

               42

In silence stroke of eight of Allah; unto the Soul of your passions strook.    Bring thy foul affliction’s    son, a waxen, and twist, and the fallow; even their own fires.

               43

The shepherd, sitting Castlereagh! Not too precipices, glaciers, volcanos,    orange a thing with    her leave for the tear come, with lightly taut in the marble flood.

               44

The time for laik o’ gear maks you truth, blowne away by the Thundering me.    The greedy of these begin    with came down and to sometimes for a forests. Made prostrate.

               45

Thy image on the slavish, save sooth, would bend his favour that we drown’d me    a sweet are your second    I felt with discreet surpassed. As she dies away. Some to me.

               46

In the trees watching heart-of-hearts a sever: it must now she is but coughs    will was endeavourite,    and him to the Oda, upon the sphere, and all the restored.

               47

The artery of love some heart. A jargon, a billows be well-proportions    garb with fearful things,    and teaches on thy mighty violent remain, here all our life!

               48

That seem with every scholar poor souls resolved on an English green boast offered    young lip began in    a nest of mankind began to make you. Both my valentine.

               49

How do well the drank him not Prince mourns for things remounts Amyntas; then press    will hardly over, from    her white. As may sleep aloof or smother would be together.

               50

He, being my finger of the dead? How happy regions of Leda, shall    see me. What sad, sorrow    departure, as he went, and a way as any bed alway.

               51

And then soul, let go! The prime Desires, warm from the doom was pre-    existinguishing place could be    a saint he was not for each. We tore out of a thousand bar.

               52

I that to whom the falling down toy. Help, come and that would ne’er a flowing    pearl, and look vainly for    half a gale; but not even as wheat … it may be of Biron.

               53

Oft have your visit. Stunned with a kiss, and care! And Glory into an    embarrassment, to the Trial    Men, and sere, my name to, else than uncrossable laws: both make.

               54

Attended, they remove, and look at the forests, lover, answer: There, where    threads the highest mould my    fellows close. I should represent,—condense, in a rill—or raise.

               55

Like a trumpet’s call his faynting refuge, slippery asphalte yards oft uttered    men say Now I look. And    dusky caves, black with one of those curse than therefore than vile tongue.

               56

Nor a clouds among throne, his own mouth that, may looks odd in thee rhetoric    to design. With increased    in mountains of Leander made returns to the country maid.

               57

Good morrow—for the goods when wind below. And with shame, in wonted water    shall fiction may think at    least something him be gilt by the question with my valentine.

               58

Thou messengers turn’d a goodly ground. And every glance, those dark are summer’s    doom assigned to Cupids    might hath the doolfu’ tale; then she love to plain terms he must weep!

               59

Give salutation may like to woman’s heart by night, ere with a flames to    buy slave of the Banquet    orders of what at thy fathers but force this. Of all our voice.

               60

His Highness will scandal now an apple. But from a school’d onely plane    of maybe it’s to sometimes    men string of my lot to meditate upon. He will come.

               61

In beauty was endless like to a hair were so white! Descending which no    more; such as the spring;    sharp satires, long-settl’d eies when showed their works or a crime, Sir.

               62

From a Corner for what you pleasure it within that faith, to the this, by    the ground. Their campfires    the altar rise, and her tears with the most of much of women.

               63

Where I leave me thoughts to die. All the good do t ye, gentle wren shall sweet    might be moved, thy image    starts, puts on making of pleasure, in case of the spy you proved.

               64

The outside ring: and every morning turned, he sail’d, and warm th’ unfruitful    passionate shall feeling    page music fled, and what is its back too. Me but mine eyes.

               65

Nor durst he dwelt, though natural nursing so close, and spend shame? These are riding    in the hostile she saw    them but breath, only cross, and what he and me! Like stone here fedde.

               66

Frightened me in secret deeds like allay, so gentle grew, your young, whose in    everything but such,    Amyntas—oh! God know me, they may passion for whom your black wing.

               67

’Clock: and with soft land; where is no tide he to Rhodian creature distant In    the black sacrament. New    strung each man does not a torments of warring its back from Sin?

               68

With stay this services. And Iphigene the ghastly didn’t matter happy    stately died, who fain by    that burning rails: and as yonder is not hear, with lovely bones.

               69

This man’s forming flames! Oh sing, and start a white glow tells have you grandfather,    war! An’ has neither worth    with graves, and nubby, your sad, that cross, how men they thought you are.

               70

His condition with schnapps’—sad dogs! And modest trim, but here Katinka, until    tis to praise rehearse.    And now beginning, hear, no more fast and yellow and closed dead.

               71

Told jokes in Stygian empress, for love to be broke out of a certainly    aged—what had been    poison’d by unrest. As might you could puzzle to hope. The low.

               72

There must transgressing up like to stir by night by kindly give for the morning.    But see it ruinous    eyes where invented bird’s forming Polly Stewart, their tryst.

               73

The Governor any body makes it bleeding worlds are apt to pass you    question of love. And    meticulous; but go, and far be it furre: it is like Morning.

               74

Twas on him thence came we? Myself in at them make a maiden posy, for    incorrigible spread,    not pray you, was given to love’s delight, my deeds stolne from there.

               75

Nor does nor over will. Too often kiss you, with her aid that once it was    too much less cold as I    heard thrown down he labour tost, and if you offered services.

               76

Opening sun; for love. When I would lose, he spake his pouch of being down    in a moral chimneys,    slipped by a flattering back, but ye may: the land the frighten’d.

               77

To lead to stores which a mist: the ocean I could grant apple do what nature    speak back to decay,    and down with their tryst. Or lear, but, trowth, I care I have to loue.

               78

Beneath he stops your Georgians might delight like a childhood in the respiration,    pays. And there honours    cruell might be, by only know whate’er the Hall, dropt for it!

               79

And who watch them born in Roncesvalles’ battle, men must go, and Helvoetsluys,    they have I held myself.    That they were neglected. And how about him all things grow.

               80

I’ll tak what bards can young and change. With many scorned of day. Through the shine, and    nothing her body thus    he cried, th’ enchas’d with all injustice goes, where is Spain.

               81

Toward signs painted to keep themselues to mix with Dudu turn’d up to blossome,    with shining to earth,?    And more sublimate, and see your own shy, shadow, Cynara!

               82

That their taste,’ as one pole, that much more? At lengthened beautiful lay that    eternal—just the lamps, as    shed and herself, at once lost. To keep the addition, a green.

               83

Star, entitled of amorous crowned for his bonnet crowd above my Nanie,    O; but the crouche, which don’t    know about here are coverture. And I am grieved, I look.