#forgive my terrible sense of drawing from the back pls

[doctorwhommm]

plsss draw owen and tosh on a day out!!!!

day out to a video game museum bc they r both gamers ! owen rage quits Pac-Man bc he is a loser (affectionate)

[prettyboykatsuki]

♡  bakugou headcanons that feel like a warm hug ♡

➳wc ;; 1.2k (oh my god. what is wrong w me.) 

➳ a/n ;; or my bakugou brain-rot that never goes away. thanks for being my comfort character, you fucking gremlin. forgive the silly title. 

♡ always makes little adjustments to the environment for you. he’s observant to a fault so if there’s something even a little off and it happens to bother you, he’s trying to work around it. 

♡ good at playing guitar but not good at reading music. he can throw something together if you give him a chance but he’s not good at trying to recreate someone elses memory. he’s not like.. musically gifted either but he likes how guitar sounds 

♡ thinks about getting a lot of piercings in his ear because he thinks they’d look cool but is kind of too nervous? the idea of a needle going through his skin is a ick. when you start dating, he drags you to his appointments lol - won’t admit it but he thinks he looks so hot when he gets them. takes a bunch of selfies <3 

♡ needs to be moving constantly. can’t sit completely still to save his life. when he listens to music, he moves his head. sometimes he just runs his thumb over his fingers. 

♡ really, really bad at talking. not in the sense he can’t communicate (that too) but he just likes listening in conversation. rarely adds his own thing. but when he does - always accidentally says something super meaningful 

♡ enjoys subtle physical touch because it is literally intimate he melts inside. a hand on his forearm or shoulder. your legs over his lap. small things that show how comfortable you are. 

♡ likes being held cause he’s a big ass baby lmfao 

♡ wont admit it but enjoy when you choose pretty or colorful bandages for his cuts he won’t himself but it’s like keeping you in his pocket wherever he goes.  

♡ really needs you to find him attractive dslksjk it’s not that he ever thinks he’s particularly ugly. but he didn’t really assign importance to his appearance at any point in his life, yet now he puts in a scary amount of effort. readjusts his hair so much more, makes sure his clothes fit good. fixes his fuckin’ face lol 

♡ likes chewing gum a lot and always has a pack on him. really proud of how big he can blow bubbles and will be a little sad if you’re unimpressed. 

♡ is overly sentimental about things you’ve made him - especially if it’s something super dumb. you drew him a silly little sketch of him in a frog hat? it’s in his wallet behind his id. freaks out when he thinks he’s lost his wallet 

♡ LOVES phone calls. yes he still hates talking. but the way his face looks when he listens to your voice. eyes half-lidded, shamelessly smiling - it’s so tender and so lovesick. 

♡ terrible first grader hand-writing. he tries to write them for you in the beginning of your relationship (to be romantic or some shit) but they’re so incomprehensible pls. if he focuses on it - it can be legible but most of the time ... yea no. 

♡ doesn’t favor tea or coffee but prefers tea if he has to drink one. 

♡ crazy good at eyeballing measurement. even in baking. once made a perfectly good bread without weighing anything and doesn’t get why that’s so wild. 

♡ has the phone on his text set to be bigger even though his eyes are fine. 

♡ lets you do the layout thing on his iphone and decorate as you please. says he doesn’t care but when he sees you made it hero themed/fit with his aesthetic - he got so red it was so cute. 

♡ hates shopping in store. will still always go with you because the one time you went alone a store clerk hit on you.  

♡ so practical. he started couponing when he was in his early twenties like an old man. checks the news and weather the night before, every night. never misses doctors appointments. 

♡ shit at any form of visual art. drawing, painting etc - cannot do it to save his life. but he tries. his hands shake when he tries to draw hearts for you 

♡ blows the eyelashes off your cheek super gently whenever he notices. he’ll like.. take your face in his hands and blow so softly like he’s gonna hurt you. 

♡ used to agree to make pinky promises with you as a joke. now though? automatically holds his pink out for you to take it. straight up pouts if you don’t. 

♡ you two have a song and when it comes on, he’ll sing it back to you. any other time? any other song? he wont. but he always sings your song even without realizing, just mouths it. 

♡ enjoys when you put your hands under his shirt and just leave them there and hug him like that. skin to skin contact is elite but only from you. 

♡ hamsters adore this man. they just do. 

♡ draws frowny faces on your eggs with hot-sauce 

♡ soul leaves his body when you play with his hair and scratch his scalp. the tension in his neck literally disappears and he just sighs that shit relaxes him like crazy 

♡ the first time he says i love you, you’re tying his tie for his first hero event. you’re telling him to that the color looks good on him and you’re smiling. it honestly it just slips. he went on to win an award that night. 

♡ his favorite memory of the two of you was when you were trying to leave the grocery store one afternoon. it was raining heavy as shit. you pulled him in under your clear umbrella and just stood there. he doesn’t know why but that means a lot to him. 

♡ cares a lot about his dads approval on his work specifically. him and his dad have a really specifc bond and he actually admires him quite a bit. 

♡ nothing makes him cry like “im proud of you”. especially when it’s for something small. it’s just something he didn’t hear enough in a sincere way. 

♡ likes fruit flavored sweets over chocolate (generally needs something to do w his mouth cause it helps him think. bad oral fixation) so he keeps little candies on him 

♡ shit at video games. terrible at them with the exception of mario kart? for some reason. 

♡ always loses his keys 

♡ stutters every!single!time! he tries to compliment you. it’s been YEARS. 

♡ takes a melatonin gummy before bed and always drinks a glass of water 

♡ buys you flowers and keeps them too. like does the upkeep on it and replaces them if the wilt. suggests pressing them to keep them for longer. 

♡ lowkey cries really easily. he just gets overwhelmed w his feelings some times and it makes him cry even if he doesn’t want too. you and the bakusquad are sworn to secrecy over it though 

♡ wears his ring around his neck on a chain bc it’s easier to show off. 

♡ naturally good at doing hair! 

♡ likes sneakers but wears dr. scholl's because he walks a lot and is on his feet for most of the day w his job. just being careful. 

♡ loves u a lot <3 

[daniclaytcn]

quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

title: quiet my fears with the touch of your hand

Summary: “In that warehouse,” Buck says. “I almost gave up.”

Eddie doesn’t bat an eyelash at his words. “I know,” He says, simply.

Buck isn’t sure why he’s saying this. He doesn’t know why he feels the need to confess this to Eddie, why this is something he needs for him to know. He also doesn’t know why Eddie is being so calm about it.

“I almost stopped fighting,” Buck continues, his voice breaking a little. 

“I know.” Eddie says, again. | Post 4x05: Buck Begins.

ao3 link

a/n: i wrote this when i should have been sleeping so it’s probably incoherent...pls excuse me..

tagging some people who may be interested: @malikjavaddzayn @evaneddie @matan4il @prettyboydiaz @firefighter-diaz  please let me know if you’d like to be added to/removed from my tag list!

Seconds after Buck knocks, the door opens and Eddie is looking at him with an arched eyebrow. "Since when do you knock?" He asks teasingly.

 Buck shrugs wordlessly. The weight of the past couple of days he's had—his parents arriving in town, finding out about Daniel, god, the fire—all had been momentarily forgotten in the time he spent with Maddie after his shift, the relief that came with forgiving her making something that had been unbalanced shift back into place in his heart. However, after leaving her apartment, it had all come crushing down on him again, leaving him shaking and breathless in the aftermath. Before knowing he was doing it, he was taking the turn to Eddie's house instead of his own apartment and now here he was.

 "You're just in time," Eddie gestures for Buck to come in. "Dinner's almost ready."

 "I—I didn't tell you I was coming, though," Buck says, confused. Eddie grins at him.

 "I had a feeling you would." Not waiting for a reply, he turns to go into the living room. "Christopher! Look who's here!"

 Buck is greeted with an armful of Chris when he enters the room and he can't help but laugh, hoisting him into his arms. Pressing his face into Chris' hair and hearing his bright laughter, Buck feels some of the tension drain from his body.

 "Hey, buddy! Hope you don't mind me coming over so unexpectedly."

 Chris giggles as Buck puts him down, as if he's said the funniest thing ever. "Don't be silly, Buck! We always want you around."

 Buck feels his eyes burn with tears inexplicably and he's relieved that Chris chooses that moment to turn around to search for a drawing he wants to show him. Eddie says nothing, instead moving past Buck to leave the room, pressing a warm hand to his shoulder as he passes him.

 Chris takes Buck's hand and tugs on it, leading him to the kitchen. Buck's eyebrows raise at the sight of Eddie pulling a pan out the oven

 "Dad cooked," Chris informs him. Buck chuckles.

 "Maybe I shouldn't have come over," He jokes. Eddie throws a dish towel at him, scowling.

 "It's just mac and cheese," He retorts. "And I'll have you know I've gotten better at cooking over the pandemic. Make yourself useful and set the table."

 Shifting into the usual routine of dinner time at the Diaz household has a comforting familiarity to it, Buck thinks, as he moves around the kitchen, grabbing plates and glasses, knowing where everything is supposed to be without even thinking about it. They sit down at the table to eat, Chris chattering away about his day as Buck listens on, barely suppressing an eye roll when Eddie not-so-subtly heaps two servings onto his plate. God, his best friend can be such a dad sometimes.

 As dinnertime comes to an end, though, Buck can feel the lightness begin to slip away, tension gathering in his shoulders once more and his smiles come less easily, not even Christopher’s cheer being able to bring them out easily. Eddie seems to notice (of course he does) and quickly stands to gather their plates.

 “Chris, I think it’s time you start getting ready for bedtime,” he says and Chris groans dramatically.

 “Dad, can’t I stay up? It’s not even a school night!”

 “Nope,” Eddie hums. “Rules are rules, Chris, you know how it is.”

 Chris groans again but doesn’t argue his point and gets up. “Goodnight, Buck,” he murmurs, and Buck bends down to receive his hug almost automatically, barely registering it. Thankfully, Chris doesn’t seem to notice that anything is amiss and pulling back, grins at him before leaving.

 “Hey,” Buck startles as Eddie taps him on the shoulder and looks up at the barely concealed worry in his friend’s face. “Why don’t you go wait in the living room? I��m gonna go tuck Chris into bed.”

 “It’s late,” Buck mutters. “Maybe I should leave.” He doesn’t want to. It’s almost more than he can stand, right now, the thought of leaving the warmth of Eddie’s house, of Eddie, to go back to his apartment, that has never felt like home the way Eddie and Christopher have. But he doesn’t want to overstay his welcome. He’d once told Maddie that he’s not really a guest in Eddie’s house, but now, with his entire world, with everything he’d ever known about himself turned upside down, he can’t be sure of anything.

 Eddie shakes his head and repeats, a little more firmly. “Wait for me in the living room.”

 Buck goes, helpless but to do as he asks. He looks around at the room as he sits down on the couch, Chris’ homework on the side tables, the video game consoles scattered around it, Eddie’s jacket tossed over a chair—just a few weeks ago, he had been on this couch with Eddie and Christopher, playing video games and teasing Eddie about his newfound fear of technology. Just a few weeks ago, he had been in this same spot, happy and lighthearted with two of his favorite people in the world.

 Just a few weeks ago, he hadn’t felt this overwhelming sense of wrongness and uncertainty, like everything was collapsing around him and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

 Eddie returns shortly, sinking down into the couch beside him, his shoulders pressing into Buck’s; solid and grounding. Buck lets out a shaky exhale, ducking his head as he feels his eyes burn with tears again. He doesn’t want Eddie to see him like this, cracked in a hundred places and this close to falling apart. Which doesn’t make sense, he knows, Eddie has been there during some of the worst moments of his life; he was there holding his hand while his leg was being crushed under a firetruck, he had seen him choke on his own blood during that welcome-back party; there was no end to it. But this—this was just too much. Too vulnerable. Too raw, and open and exposed.

 Eddie says nothing, just sitting there, a line of warmth and stability against Buck, waiting for him to open up. And Buck does, inevitably.

 “I forgave my parents,” He doesn’t look at Eddie while he says it, but can feel him stiffen momentarily before he relaxes again.

 “That must have been hard,” Eddie says, his words so similar to Maddie’s just a few hours ago. Buck shrugs in response, talking about it with his sister had been hard enough, he doesn’t really want to get into the why’s of it again.

 “I just feel like---” Buck stops himself and sighs in frustration. “I feel like this should have brought me some sort of relief, right? Taken some of the weight off my shoulders? Now that I actually have some context to what they did, and why-“

 “Hey,” Eddie interrupts, almost sharply. “Your parents lost a child, and that’s terrible. But them ignoring the two living children they had, not being there for their kids who actually needed them? That is on them and nothing can excuse that. You are well within your rights to feel angry, Buck.”

 Buck shakes his head. “I am so tired of being angry,” He says. “But---I still am. I thought forgiving them would make me feel less angry, but it didn’t. I am so angry that they kept my brother a secret from me, all this time. I am so angry that they forced Maddie to keep that secret, when she was just a child. I am so angry that I was finally, finally, doing better, feeling more secure and good about myself and my life and it took just one visit from them to turn it all upside down!”

 He sucks in a deep breath and buries his head in his hands, shaking slightly. He did not mean to explode like that. Hell, he doesn’t even know where it all came from. He had no idea he was even feeling like that before it all burst out.

 I sometimes hide my true feelings, Buck remembers telling his therapist that one time, and he chuckles hollowly at the memory.

 Eddie lays a hand on his shoulder, the pad of his thumb drawing soothing circles over his sleeve and remains quiet until Buck raises his head again, eyes wet.

 “It’s clear to me, now,” Buck says. “Everything I ever did to try and win their affection, to win their love—none of it mattered. I was set up to fail since the very beginning. The entire time, whenever they looked at me, all they could see was Daniel and I would never measure up in their eyes. How could I compete with that? God,” He scrubs a hand across his face roughly and lets out a bitter laugh. “I’m jealous of a dead person. How fucked up is that?”

Something shutters in Eddie’s expression and he ducks his head for a moment, swallowing. “I understand completely,” He murmurs. Before Buck can really think about it, Eddie is talking again.

 “It was never on you to win your parents’ love, Buck,” He says. “It’s not something that needs to be won, it’s something that has to be freely given. And your parents—they—no matter the loss they were mourning, the way they made you feel like every scrap of their attention needed to be earned was unacceptable. You have to know that. I mean—” He sighs and pauses for a moment. “I have made a lot of mistakes with Christopher, but I can never imagine doing to him what your parents did to you and your sister. It’s unthinkable.”

 Buck manages to smile at that and says, his voice breaking a little, “You’re a really great dad.”

 Eddie chuckles and shakes his head. “I hope so,” He murmurs. “At least, I try to be. And sometimes, trying is the best you can do. It’s what every parent should do.”

 Trying, huh? Philip and Margaret Buckley certainly hadn’t. They had given up on Buck the moment he’d failed to save his brother, Buck is certain of this no matter how they might say otherwise. They had given up on Maddie when she married Doug. They were never willing to try when things got hard, instead that burden had been placed on their children and Maddie and Buck had carried it even into their adulthood, without even noticing.

 He had never felt that burden so acutely as he did in the fire, as he relived his entire life, seeing his past through new eyes as he fought desperately to save Saleh from the flames and himself, from giving into all that despair and guilt and hopelessness. And in the end, he hadn’t had to carry it alone, because the 118, his family, stepped in to carry it with him.

 “In that warehouse,” Buck says. “I almost gave up.”

 Eddie doesn’t bat an eyelash at his words. “I know,” He says, simply.

 Buck isn’t sure why he’s saying this. He doesn’t know why he feels the need to confess this to Eddie, why this is something he needs for him to know. He also doesn’t know why Eddie is being so calm about it.

 “I almost stopped fighting,” Buck continues, his voice breaking a little.

 “I know.” Eddie says, again.

 “You’re not—” Buck clears his throat and says, hoarsely, “You’re not…I don’t know—” He can’t finish.

 Upset? Angry? Disappointed?

 Eddie, evidently, doesn’t need him to say it. “No,” He says, his voice impossibly soft. “I know what it’s like. I’ve been there.”

 Oh. Of course, that’s—Buck doesn’t know whether he is referring to Afghanistan or the well, when he was buried under thirty feet of mud. Or both.

 Buck doesn’t ask, and Eddie doesn’t elaborate.

 “It feels easy, to just stop resisting,” Eddie continues. “But then, you remember that you have something to live for. A family that loves you.”

 Buck shakes his head, almost automatically. “My parents—”

 “I’m not talking about your parents,” Eddie says, firmly. “I am talking about your sister, Bobby, Athena, the 118—”

 “—you?” Buck finishes, something in his heart lifting at the soft smile Eddie gives him in return.

 “Yeah, me,” Eddie says. “And Christopher,” He pauses, suddenly looking almost uncertain. “That is, if you’ll have us.”

 If he’ll have them? Buck almost laughs hysterically—what sort of question is that? Surely, Eddie has to know—to have him and Christopher as his family would be everything and more. He wants it, all of it, so badly that it’s almost terrifying. He wants Eddie, in any and every single way possible, no matter how selfish it is.

 “Eddie, you don’t know what that means to me,” Buck says, instead.

 Eddie smiles. “I think I have some idea,” He says, and reaches out, slipping his hand into Buck’s. Buck can feel his breath catch, his heart leaping at the gentle touch, at the way Eddie’s fingers slot so perfectly between his. It is at times like these, that he thinks that Eddie might return the feelings he has for him, the feelings that are definitely not those of friendship. But he can never bring himself to cross that line, too afraid of being wrong, of ruining one of the best things he has in his life.

 They sit in silence for a few minutes. After a while, Buck glances at the clock.

 “It’s getting late,” He says reluctantly. “I should go.”

 “Stay.” Eddie says. Buck’s pulse quickens, he knows that Eddie doesn’t mean it that way, yet—

 “I think—”

 Eddie shakes his head. “Stay. Please.”

 And how can Buck say no to that?

 He nods wordlessly and allows himself to lean into Eddie, his eyes drifting shut. This is slowly exceeding the realm of best friend behavior, but Buck can’t find it in himself to care at the moment, especially when Eddie turns into him, resting his head on his shoulder.

 For now, he can have this.

 For once, he can be enough.

[pumpkinpaix]

老师好！Thank you for writing! i found you through your MDZS story and i really adore your insightful writings about the show. In my opinion, i even think the show is better than the novel in their presentation of WX relationship ~ ! it feels more natural and less pandering. Another essay suggestion for you if you want to write --- In the show, who do you think fell in love first in WX? When were the "turning points" when they realized?

sldjfslikl first of all anon, it’s WILD that anyone would address me as 老师 and i’m simultaneously flattered and gobsmacked. (i’m really really really not qualified to be called 老师 friend—thank you, like, a lot?? but yeah, i gotta say i’m not that cool) thank you for reading my fic and liking it and apparently my one meta enough to come talk to me!! also, SORRY this took approximately a million years i’ve been working on it on/off for like. two weeks. (@the other anon who also requested meta—pls forgive me im really doing my best apparently these take a lot out of me)

confession: I wrote a WHOLE ADDITIONAL essay in response to your opinion about show vs. novel that i ultimately decided to cut because it flies a little too close to the discourse sun and you didn’t ask for that hahaha. if it turns out you are interested in it, feel free to hmu and i can post it (though i’ll probably try to keep it out of the tags for my own mental health’s sake im not cut out for this lmao)

that all being said, who do I think fell in love first? it was definitely lan wangji, and it was right here:

[id: screenshot of lan wangji watching wei wuxian making a wish to “protect the weak and curb the strong, with a clear conscience for all my life” from episode 7 of the untamed drama. wei wuxian’s eyes are closed, his hands clasped. lan wangji looks on with a surprised tenderness. /end id]

I think it’s safe to say that he already finds wei wuxian attractive/intriguing (see: his reaction to wei wuxian drawing his portrait, tying the lan ribbon around their wrists, the PEAK gay panic in his voice when wei wuxian trips and falls on top of him), but this is the first moment he’s really moved by him. up until this point, wei wuxian has been teasing, immature, A Nuisance™, too clever for his own good, troublemaker energy personified etc but he hasn’t ever revealed his deeper moral values in front of lan wangji—and he does it like this, without pretension, without irony. He doesn’t spend his wish on something frivolous or material: he wishes to be able to do good for all his life, to be righteous, to be kind. it’s the wish he makes for both of them. “the promise we made together all those years ago,” as he says, half a lifetime later.

like just. imagine, for a moment, being lan wangji, whose whole world is being constantly challenged and needled by this unfairly attractive, chaotic bastard and then he just comes out of left field with this. I think this is where lan wangji first recognizes himself in wei wuxian—that at their core, they share their most important values.

look what i’m saying is this is where I fell in love with wei wuxian.

(sidenote: I really think a lot of the tragedy of mdzs/the untamed is stems from this moment. wei wuxian fails, over and over and over, even when his wish never changes, even when all he ever wanted was to do good without fear.)

i had to think for a really long time to try and decide which moments i wanted to talk about on wei wuxian’s part, because i don’t think he’s nearly as easy to pinpoint. lan wangji falls in love like a lightning strike, but wei wuxian’s love is something that grows so slowly, i don’t think he realizes what it is until pretty late in the game.

so let’s begin with this moment on phoenix mountain:

[id: screenshot of lan wangji and wei wuxian facing each other on phoenix mountain from episode 25 of the untamed drama. lan wangji is waiting expectantly for an answer, having just asked, “what am i to you?”, hand behind his back. wei wuxian is holding his flute, expression complicated and uncertain. /end id]

this is the first time i think wei wuxian is asked directly to label his feelings about lan wangji, and he says, “i once thought of you as a lifelong, intimate friend.” and when lan wangji presses, “and now?”, he doesn’t respond.

two episodes later, when wei wuxian is taking the wen refugees out of their prison camp and lan wangji appears before him, I think he has some kind of answer to lan wangji’s question:

[id: screenshot from episode 27 of the untamed drama. wei wuxian holds out chenqing before him in challenge to lan wangji, who is offscreen. he is smiling, just slightly, resigned and fond and terribly sad. /end id]

“if there really must be a battle between me and them, then I would rather fight to the death with you. if i must die, then at least i would like to die by hanguang-jun’s hand. it wouldn’t be an injustice.”

if that isn’t some kind of confession, I don’t really know what is.

but it’s too late—he’s now a defector in the eyes of the four sects. lan wangji lets him go and wei wuxian rides away. the remainder of his first life, that’s how things stand. even through everything with a’yuan, the final massacre at the nightless city—even though there’s something really meaningful there between them, it’s all tinged with a sense of impossibility, you know? there’s no outcome where they can resolve it happily. wei wuxian has gone too far down that single-plank bridge.

the first moment i think wei wuxian has to confront the unresolved and unsaid things between him and lan wangji comes when lan wangji gets drunk that one night and tells him, “i have regret.”

“what regret?”

“that at the nightless city, I did not stand beside you.”

[id: screenshot of wei wuxian looking at lan wangji (offscreen) with tears in his eyes as the full realization of what lan wangji just drunkenly confessed hits him from episode 36 of the untamed drama. /end id]

“so all this time, you’ve been searching for me?”

earlier i said can you imagine being lan wangji for a sec, and i’m gonna say it again except god. can you. IMAGINE being wei wuxian in this moment. finding out that this person that you maybe suspected you had deeper feelings for but never acted on has spent the entire sixteen years of your death searching for you, regretting that he didn’t stand with you before you died? a regret that he’s been carrying in secret, alone, for sixteen years?? that’s A Lot to unpack.

however, I don’t think wei wuxian really, fully understands and accepts how he feels and how lan wangji feels in return, how far they’re both willing to go until episode 42, at the confrontation at jinlingtai.

[id: two screenshots from episode 42 of the untamed drama, right after lan wangji takes a stand beside wei wuxian against the four sects. image 1 is lan wangji smiling at wei wuxian: he is gentle and sure. image 2 is wei wuxian smiling back at him, eyes red-rimmed and wet. /end id]

even though lan wangji has been walking with him since dafan shan, he’s been doing it with a plausible deniability. and here, when wei wuxian is trying to give him an out, lan wangji puts everything he has on the line so that he can clearly stand with wei wuxian, without dissembling, without hesitation. “the feeling of of walking on a single-plank bridge into the dark truly is no worse.”

lan wangji is finished with regrets.

“it’s just funny, that’s all,” wei wuxian says, “back when the whole world flattered me with praise, you were the only one who would scold me. but now that everyone is calling for my death, all hating and condemning me, you’re nevertheless the only one standing by my side.”

i think after that, for all the remaining episodes, there’s an unspoken commitment between the two of them that underpins the rest of their interactions, which I think I can say without reservation that I like more than how it played out in the novel. EDIT 16 APR 2020: I changed my mind a while ago, ahaha. Turns out, I don’t prefer CQL over MDZS. I love them both so much. ;A; there’s something really profound about it, the trust in their unlabelled relationship. it really feels like the inexorable culmination of two adults in their mid-thirties coming together after falling in love for almost twenty years. there’s a maturity to it that isn’t present in the way the novel does the confession (which does have its own disaster energy™ charm) that I think highlights the fact that they love each other, not just because they admire each other, not just because they’re attracted to one another, but because they understand each other—because when they look at each other, they also see themselves.

[mrlenes]

“Downworlder,” the demon breathed, and touched his long, spidery fingers to Simon’s cheek. “You must have had a heart that beat so strong in you, when it still beat.”

marlene mckinnon is nineteen years old and she is a member of the order of the phoenix. the pureblood is a former gryffindor and was from the class of 1978. she is a dragonologist and looks like maría gabriela de faría.

welp it’s 6:19 am why am i this way but hello it is jane again !! marlene is someone i’ve played a bunch, but it’s been a while since i’ve played with a different history, so i’m still ironing out a few kinks but i’m v v excited!! (also despite what the quote up there may imply, a) i do not like cassandra clare as a person and b) marlene isn’t a vampire fhkjsahjkasfkhj i just like the sentiment of it for her very much)

marls is the same age as the marauders & lily, but she’s a july kid so she’s still to have her birthday —- july 21, 1960 (cancer-leo cusp, and we’re going to pretend that her moon is in sagittarius and her rising is in aries (truthfully i have no idea what her moon & rising would be factually so we’re just... gonna direct the stars fhjksfdhj))

the cusp is excellent for her, because the warring nature of the two signs makes a mess, which is a good description of this lil miss! 

x: Cancer is a water sign ruled by the moon, and possesses cardinal traits. On the other hand, Leo is a fire sign ruled by the sun and possesses fixed traits. The sun is associated with masculine energy and is symbolic of daytime, while the moon is associated with the feminine energy and represents nighttime. Fire and water, sun and moon, sensitivity and fierceness, masculine and feminine energies... it all builds into marlene mckinnon, a girl built of empathy & war, with a penchant for night time & wild things

also re: her bday, she’s due to die the day before she turns 21 bc we love smiling

sibling death tw // ok!! marlene was the youngest of five for almost all of her life, but about 5 years ago, when she was in fifth year (i think), her parents adopted a four year old boy named wren, who’s now nine. she had four older siblings: johnny (29), tommy (27), lorraine (24), matthew (22). johnny was in gryffindor, order member, died (possibly saving marlene & someone else on a mission) ; the others are tentatively still alive, though they slowly get killed off during the war, until it’s just marlene & wren & her parents that fateful night at the mckinnon residence (july 20 1981) of Death��. // end death tw

POTENTIAL CONNECTION/WANTED CHARACTERS: i would absolutely love her siblings around, any of them. i’m semi-flexible abt the names & fully flexible abt when or how they die (if we’re following canon, my only request is that some die before the 20th of july and nobody survives after it) —- all of her older siblings are adopted. i was thinking tommy (& johnny) were taken in after tragedy struck their parents, who were either sibling or cousin to one of marls’ parents (chants: sean teale! sean teale!), but that’s just an idea. i’m rly open to anything, and i’m down for some to have been biologically full-siblings to marls (preferably matty or lorraine, though) if you have a fitting fc in mind, but otherwise!! i would love any of them, and while i do have some ideas (mostly broad strokes —- johnny as the guidance, lorraine as the beating heart), i’m genuinely just really keen to have any of them around and am super open to talking abt anything that you might want to change!!

ok back to marls

youngest of five for most of her life, now scored a kid brother whom she’d do anything for (she thinks) (she hasn’t exactly had to test it) and four elder siblings whom she loves completely and who were instrumental in how she grew up —- surrounded with love and people who protected her even as they challenged her. ( who’s that back there, trailing after tommy and lorraine —? little marlene mckinnon, tiny fists balled up as she marches behind them — where’s she gone now, the little rascal —? oh, up that tree, get down from there, no not by jumping merlin fuck — ) 

her siblings are all pretty different from each other & johnny was the only one in gryffindor and he’s a completely different kind of gryffindor than marls. whilst both had that same good heart at their core, johnny was noble and brave and an excellent leader, and marlene has always preferred being a second, being there to back someone up (she’s never been good at letting people go in alone) & was something impulsive and daring. between her siblings, she learned how to fight, how to trust, how to land and, possibly most importantly, how to fly

hogwarts shenanigans

marlene was a chaser at hogwarts, but she’s always been a slightly better flier than player. she’s never been particularly focused on getting goals —- her talent and interest was always in setting up the goals, in the daring of diving for the quaffle, in the speed and risk of rocketing across the pitch to get the quaffle to one of her teammates to score. she likes racing to get the quaffle, and setting it up, like the gameplay dynamics of the chasers working in tandem to get the quaffle down to the other end of the pitch. she’s always been fast, that’s the thing about marlene mckinnon: on the ground or in the air, she’s always been quicker than you can believe. quite possibly was the fastest player in the school, but that in no way translates to the best — her personal vote for that is james, though she acknowledges the skill of others such as gwenog jones, lucinda talkalot, ludo bagman and emma vanity for the one year she saw her play. a good player, she thinks, tends to be a little better-rounded, and not only has good instincts, but also good insight, and an ability to both strategise and to take direction. marlene’s flying is often characterised by the risks she’ll take — as well as her creative moves, like the mckinnon flash — and under leadership she disliked, it probably wouldn’t end as well. however, she trusted, respected and loved james, and she was very happy to have him as a captain. 

appalling at herbology and potions

like, awful

in second year, she once had a situation with these magical vines that attacked her, and that pretty much sums up her entire herbology career & then potions is terrible because of the fiasco that is her focus

she managed to scrape a high enough grade to get into it at newt level, thanks purely to her wonderful friends who managed to get her studying on track enough, but then she dropped it in seventh year — she’d kept at it because it’s necessary for a few career paths, and many of her friends, she knew, focused on it because it was a requirement for aurordom, but she had an inkling that aurordom would actually be a poor choice for her, especially given how little she trusted the ministry, and by the time she was starting seventh year, she had decided to drop it (despite her father being a member of the wizengamot & one of her brothers being involved somewhat in the ministry, the trust was.... not present fdshjsdfahjk)

on the other hand, she loved comc

comc, dada and charms were her three best subjects, and she was v good at all three of them

dragons!!! she spent her time in history of magic classes drawing up schematics about how they could obtain dragons, manticores and other xxxxx creatures

she quite liked history of magic, though it’s v selective bc she can only focus on the elements which interest her

she’s got a lot of thoughts on the treatment of lycanthropes by the wizarding society (they’re not positive thoughts lmao bc the treatment of werewolves and other part-humans is so terrible; she has a lot of thoughts about the registration system, and its initial purpose and what it’s used for now, and also beyond werewolves, the treatment of vampires and other part-humans) and she had them prior to her discovery of remus’ “furry little problem” but they’ve certainly not subsided since

general (this is all over the place i’m sorry)

empathetic and it can be a real problem for her honestly?

also, she’s not very good at letting go emotionally? she’s absolutely capable of caring about someone and not endorsing or forgiving them, but she tends to carry people around in her heart and under her skin forever and that’s an immensely difficult thing for her to try shake or even address

bad at processing emotions, like,,, so bad LMAO

she really needs to talk things through to make sense of her emotions but does she? not that often! a good example of this is when johnny died & she didn’t rly process it well bc she considered it her fault & therefore didn’t want to waste people’s time talking abt it which.... marlene pls

a v tactile & physical person, so she’s often shown affection that way (when people are okay with that) but also means that when she wants a distraction, she often craves physical connection (but also like, in hogwarts and stuff, before the war Really Hit her day-to-day life, kissing and sex and the like were just kind of... a fun and good natured end to some shenanigans & she never considered it more than that & it wasn’t even really a distraction, it was just... a natural evolution to some of her nights —- whereas now, sometimes it’s a v genuine distraction) —- sometimes that just looks like sitting w a friend in their kitchen in the quiet of the night, drinking until they can’t see the reflection of people they couldn’t save in each others’ eyes anymore, but sometimes it’s Touch. truly just being in people’s presence, particularly the presence of her friends & people she trusts, just... rly helps her 

really really good for a fun time though!! hit her up for shenanigans always

loves sugar quills, like so much,,, eats sugar quills like most people breathe

does Not Like cats or birds

diehard for her friends

she’s very much led by emotions, and when those are conflicting, it can be a situation — but she tries, and she has a good heart, and when it comes down to it, she’ll always do what she thinks is right, even if it can be a messy road to getting there

she laughs a lot, idk, she’s not rly one to back down from a fight but her general state of being is probably more quips and laughter

and going off above abt how she’s a pretty physical person — she just always has been, running around the grounds when she was younger, being so involved with quidditch when she was older, and things being tangible are really grounding for her? it’s also sort of how her reflexes work best — she can duel, absolutely, but she’s also pretty good in a physical fight

not v good at defensive or healing magic though so if any of her friends want to help her out w/ that, hmu!! esp if your character wants to get more proficient at physical fighting as well, marls is defs down to help w/ that! i’m hoping like... it’s been a year and a half, i would hope she’s better now at defensive and healing magic, but she’s still never going to be Great so that’s always connections fodder

after graduating, she went into magizoology!! she just... rly fucking loves magical creatures

her focus is on dragons

she lived.... somewhere after hogwarts, and then some time later (6-12 months ago) she and mary moved in w alice after frank and her split up

marlene’s empathetic & angry abt it

v good at shades of grey, not so good at black and white —- you know when harry and ron save draco from fiendfyre, and it’s like... harry insists they have to save them, and then ron punches draco in the face later? marlene is Both. she’ll try save you — risk herself to save you, even if you don’t deserve it — but she’ll be Mad abt it & happily deck you later ( she’s not exactly mad about saving people, or trying to, she’s more mad at herself for it some days )

joined the order straight out of hogwarts

sits on benches at 2am eating cake batter

rly good at making breakfast food, less good at proper food

she will come to ur flat / ur always welcome wherever she’s living to pop in at 2am after an order mission and she’ll make you french toast

night owl

wanted connections

just... quickly

hello mckids // siblings!! 27, 24 & 22 (can be order or not)

god help the girl // i would love someone to have been appalled at her defensive/healing magic skills (lack thereof, rly) and forced her to accept their help, which might have been in the past or still going! marlene is v happy to help w physical fighting in return

we don’t talk about fight club // marlene is actually a good teacher in some ways, bc she’s p good at connecting to people, so going off the last point: if you want some physical fight training or you just want something to spar/rail against, mar is available. also, less friendly, but if you’re someone she doesn’t like, she’s also available for an actual fight

fwf // you know porn without plot? this is fuck without feelings. or maybe fuck w friends! which sounds like a bad tv show but there u go. anyway! people she’s hooked up with at hogwarts as generally a laugh / good time, people she’s hooked up with post hogwarts as both that & as a distraction

learn to process bench // i would... rly dig someone (possibly someone her age but could be older, cant be younger) who was on the mission w/ her where her brother died bc heck maaaaaybe they got her to talk (or maybe they’re both bad at processing & they just. Look At Each Other and don’t talk lmao) // MARY MACDONALD.

feelings are too hard // fwf but........ with feelings that she hasn’t rly given a moment to think abt. possibly does still hook up with & resolutely ignores that feelings are there, possibly hooked up with once & never has again bc wow she is not examining that, or perhaps she’s never actually hooked up w them and managed to get complicated feelings that she won’t address (which... is a double problem if they have feelings for her) regardless! either way, it’s v possible she’s somewhat aware there’s Something going on in her chest but hasn’t addressed it so doesn’t Fully Know bc she’s a fucking idiot (and it’s equally possible she does know and is just... Ignoring It)

more to come!!