#for years everyone on the left jokes abt moving to another country but now it's becoming literally real

[daz4i]

bro i hate my country's politicians so much it's unreal

[jungnoir]

May I please request college boyfriend!yuta in bullet point form? Please please please ❤️❤️❤️ I’ve been waiting so long for your requests to be reopened, I love your work!

a/n: thank you for being patient!! i hope you like this~

name: nakamoto yuta

age: immortal

major: bullshit undecided

if anyone were to try and define yuta,,, there would be a series of words that would be used,,, all of which may or may not be appropriate for ages 13 and under

yuta came to seoul from japan when he was just graduating high school on a scholarship for soccer

there were tons of schools that he really would have liked to go to all over the world, from places like New York to places in Brazil and Germany

and these schools all around the world really wanted him

he was, after all, a star on the rise

so you can see why his family was so confused when he chose to take a scholarship a little nearer to home, right in south korea

at the time, all he’d said was that seoul was somewhere he always wanted to live

which of course his family called bs on lol

yuta; what do you mean i’ve never talked about going to seoul before!! it’s my favorite place in the world!! great city!!! 10/10 would live there

literally everyone who knows this fool: you spelled seoul as seol once and it took you eight minutes to realize it

jk jk but look ok,,, he’s nowhere near as ditzy as he likes to joke about sometimes

cause yeah he’s great at soccer but he’s also got the brains to go with the brawn!! which makes him understand that despite the scholarships he’s getting to these overseas schools, not a lot of them cover all the expenses it will take to both get there and stay there

whereas the school in seoul is only 516 miles away from home, a stark difference to all those schools all over the world

if yuta wanted, he could go visit his family every weekend with the money he saved

and while seoul (shocker!) really wasn’t his dream place to be, it ended up being not too bad in yuta’s mind

to be honest,,, he kinda liked it

it was the actual school part he didn’t like

yuta felt most alive and happy when on the field, so having to take all these classes he neither cared for nor could understand on top of being in a foreign country and trying to master the language was t o u g h

while yuta never liked to admit it, there were often times he would find himself crying himself to sleep because he missed his family and old friends so much and being in another place, even if only 500 miles away, was stressful for him

thankfully, despite being one of the v few japanese students at his school, he wasn’t the only foreigner, and he’d met tons of good friends who were always patient with him when he mixed up his korean

ppl like taeyong, ten, jaehyun, doyoung, taeil, sicheng, mark, and johnny became some of his closest friends, but sicheng was his first

yuta could still remember his first day in classes at the school and how he couldn’t spot one (1) foreigner until his last class, statistics

yuta had just finished introducing himself to the class and he wasn’t really paying attention to everyone else as the teacher went down each table to get names, majors, places they were from, etc.

but then he remembered hearing this soft voice come from way across the classroom and this boy who was just a little younger than himself was introducing himself as dong sicheng and telling everyone that he was from china and would do his best to try and communicate and,,, fuk,,, it was like yuta’s world got a lil brighter

(i swear to god this is a yuta x reader fic and not a badly disguised yuwin fic ok)

almost immediately after class yuta tracks down sicheng and he’s like oh!!! hello!!! and tries to use his best korean for yuta but then yuta just pats sicheng’s shoulder with the most loving look in his eyes and probably tells sicheng he had been looking for him his whole life or something tbh sicheng doesn’t remember much of that moment except now yuta was his Best Friend and that was nonnegotiable

sicheng soon learned that yuta was also a foreigner and had gotten excited for all of five seconds before he found out he couldn’t speak much chinese, but sicheng was still pretty happy to have someone around who was in the same boat as him regardless

and, over time, sicheng began to teach him chinese and in return, yuta would teach him japanese

they would often try to navigate the horrors of being multilingual

and while yeah, it was pretty frustrating not being able to verbalize how you feel as accurately as you’d like, there were some perks

like insults. just hella insults

especially from sicheng to yuta

yuta absolutely loves pinching his cheeks and telling him how cute he is and follows the kid around and is so CLINGy and sicheng sometimes just has to smile and take it but other times,,,

sicheng: *in chinese* i’m going to skin you alive if you poke my cheek one more time you infuriating little man-

yuta: what are you saying, sicheng? *bats eyelashes lovingly*

sicheng: oh i was just saying ur my best friend in chinese hahahaha

yuta: awwww 💕❣️💓❤️💖💗💝💘

despite this though, the two really do love each other and often times do talk smack to each other about korean customs that they just Do Not Get

and all of their korean friends are just kind of like ???? why are u all so negative and yuwin is like “these are just the facts dudes”

it’s the relationships yuta has formed with these boys and more that really come in handy when yuta realizes in the middle of his second year that,,, he doesn’t really want to go to school for soccer anymore

he doesn’t love the sport any less!! but he just doesn’t feel like it’s what he wants to do for the rest of his life

there’s so much dedication and work that goes into it and yuta just isn’t in the same mindset he was in osaka or during his first year

he feels so ashamed when he informs both the school and his family that he was changing his major, and despite how his family still wants to support him in whatever he chooses, it becomes apparent that time is really running out for him at this point. most people say that declaring a major before your third year is crucial, and he has barely months left

of course, after changing his major, yuta also loses his scholarship and is therefore having to try and make ends meet in any way he can

if that’s taking odd jobs here and there and moving from the dorms into a small, cheap apartment a half hour’s subway ride away from the school, he does what he has to

it’s only randomly when he’s just wasting time with the boys at their dorm that one of them turns on this,,, anime

no it’s not hentai

and sometimes the boys joke abt yuta’s anime knowledge being sub par at best but yuta is just like “at least i’m not a weeb”

until they introduce him to this one anime

ouran high school host club

he learns that the basic premise is the protagonist ends up getting forced into working for a “host club” of pretty, rich boys who tend to the girls of their high school and raise money doing silly things like taking photos of the boys and selling them or auctioning off the host’s belongings

and while he thinks it’s pretty ridiculous,, he’s also inspired

and out of the blue after binge-watching all the episodes in two days, yuta asks if any of the boys thinks it would be possible to have a host club in this decade, specifically at their school

at first, most of them just joke about how weird it’d be and that there were hardly any rich students on campus, let alone ones pretty enough to successfully be a part of a host club

but then yuta is like “no,,, i mean we don’t have to be as elaborate as the anime but we could still do things right? like for people who are stressed with exams or who need to talk to someone because they’re homesick and their friends here don’t get it,,,,, and we can get donations and stuff to keep it going. and the more money we get the more fun activities we can organize for students to enjoy,, wouldn’t it be cool?”

so from there, a conversation spurs on and suddenly this thing is actually getting put to work

each boy is in charge of something, whether it’s being a shoulder to cry on and get advice from on (taeyong), a fun, laid back guy who knows where all the cool things to do on campus are (johnny), or a guy who is just a plain pick up line machine (yuta)

they all do something unique and different compared to the other boys and it all just,,, like it just works so well

at first the school thinks it’s fuckin weird and there’s so much they have to smooth out but they eventually end up getting a faculty advisor to look over their activities and soon enough their “host club” is in business

at first, people really don’t know what they’re getting into when they’re invited to the club on campus, only that it’s supposed to be either really funny or really embarrassing

and the boys are just as nervous as the first few students who arrive

but, at some point, something just clicks

there’s this one student who comes to taeyong every week and complains about their annoying roommate and their terrible history professor but by the end of the meeting, they feel so much lighter

there’s another student who honestly just comes to see doyoung bc he reminds them sm of like a goofy best friend who is both awkward and cute at all times and they often just go to the cafeteria and play board games for hours

and there’s another student who is a chinese transfer and finds so much comfort in getting to talk to sicheng in their native language about home bc they haven’t met many ppl on campus who are in the same boat as them and it’s just,,, a blessing

yuta’s crazy, out of the blue idea actually works

and as ppl become regulars, they tell their friends and their friends tell their friends and suddenly they’re really doing something

students who can are sparing a few bucks here and there and when the club pairs up with other clubs on campus, they also get money from the fundraisers they hold selling ice cream or organizing therapy pet meetings during exam week for all the stressed students

a portion of the money that the club gets goes to the members to help with books and other little necessities that they might have trouble paying for currently

now, yuta, like some of the other boys, doesn’t really have a niche in the club

some of them do!! and that’s fine!! but it’s a little disheartening because there’s always that student who is like “is there anyone here who can do [x] for me?” and there will be one of them there and that thing is right up their alley

whereas all the more broad and unexplored requests go to the other boys who haven’t quite established what they can do for their clients

yuta is usually good at cracking jokes and being an overall mood lifter, but,, so is johnny,,,, so is their youngest, donghyuck,,, so is their newest member yukhei

and once again, yuta just feels like he doesn’t know what he wants in life and doesn’t know where he fits in

and yeah, sure, he put together this whole club in the first place, but he leaves management in the hands of taeyong and doyoung and taeil…. the “responsible” ones

yuta was just the “goof”, the “sassy” one, the “greasy” one

he just doesn’t know where he fits….. he feels like a puzzle piece that’s missing its place from the big picture

enter you, someone who was definitely in a similar head space

you weren’t sure what you were doing with your life, if you really wanted to pursue higher education, and your mental health was suffering big time

you were pretty much on your last leg as you tried to figure out whether you should just call it quits this semester and drop out for good or if you should keep soldiering on

your friend notices that you’ve fallen so deep into a bad mood that you haven’t been able to drag yourself out of it yet, so she recommends that you come try this new thing on campus that a lot of students have been talking about

something about a “harem of handsome boys” and “the answer to all your problems”

you seriously couldn’t see how a boy would ever be the answer to any problem but nevertheless u went

after your last class of the day, your friend brought you to one of the empty rooms on the top floor of one of the buildings on campus overlooking the rest of the school

there,,, you hadn’t known what you expected but it definitely wasn’t this

there’s just a bunch of handsome looking boys sitting around the big classroom, one sitting on top of a desk and talking animatedly to one girl about god knows what, another in the back showing a girl some new trendy dance you hadn’t caught on to yet, and another standing off to the side with a kind smile on his face as he introduces himself as jungwoo, a member of the club

he asks you what you’re looking for for the evening, and you have a weird feeling about the way he asks the question but this seems so,,, innocent,,, odd but innocent

your friend nudges you to go on, and you kind of just shrug and tell him you don’t know yet

jungwoo just smiles and tells you that he knows the perfect person for you

and then he runs off to the back of the room, up to one boy who wasn’t talking to anyone yet

he’s got headphones on and the shade on the window next to him is rolled all the way up, letting the sunlight in and it highlights his sharp features and stunning hazel eyes

jungwoo says something, and then those hazel eyes are on you

you barely register your friend leaving, just that her fleeting words are “have fun with him, he’s a mystery”

hazel eyes blinks and then quietly waves you over, and out of instinct you look over to the familiar face of jungwoo to see if it’s ok

the boy who looks much younger in comparison to hazel eyes just nods and smiles that big smile again, waving you over as well

so you make your way over, catching eyes with a few of the boys who were with other “clients” as your friend had called them, some of them giving you a smile and some of them widening their eyes as they watched you make your way over to hazel eyes

jungwoo pulls a chair out for you and faces you toward hazel eyes, telling you to have fun and to talk to him if you had any questions

once he’s gone…. you don’t quite know what to do now

and hazel eyes has no problem staring at you while you try to figure it out

immediately, you decide that’s the first order of business

“so uh,,, i’m (y/n), what is ur name?” you ask, sounding much meeker than you intended

honestly, you were just tired and couldn’t quite believe this was what you were spending your very limited time doing instead of homework or staring at the wall in the middle of an existential crisis

hazel eyes smiles some, “nakamoto yuta, but you can call me later”

it takes you a second to process that he’s just used a pick up line on you,, and a bad one at that

by the time you even get a stunned laugh out of your mouth, he grins wider and you swear that the sun’s light burns a little brighter on his skin when he does, “i’m already taking your breath away, huh?”

“out of disbelief” “i know, right? i’m a marvel. it’s ok, you can admit it” he nods at you understandingly, as if he knew your feelings better than you did yourself

“is this your thing then? you’re the flirty one?” you ask, folding your arms on the desk separating the two of you and tilting your head to the side

the sun reaches you when you do and,, you looked beautiful from across the room but up close

you took his breath away

he has to collect what is left of his bearings, watching you in quiet awe as he thinks of what to say to you in response

there are no more pick up lines or witty remarks up his sleeve all of a sudden

how did you do that?

he finally clears his throat and looks away almost bashfully, “that’s more yukhei’s area”

“then what do you do?”

“uh,,, i don’t. uh. i don’t have a thing”

you hum lowly, “so do you usually get the clients who are indecisive?”

he thinks for a moment before nodding an affirmative

after a small awkward silence, he tries to fill the time you have together, “well, why don’t you tell me about why you decided to come today then? or how you’re feeling? i can find out what to do for you from there”

you try to think about what to tell him, unsure if you should go as deep as to tell the truth but also if you should stay elusive. after all, you had no idea what this club specialized in. maybe it was just for lighthearted interactions between students and nothing more

“i really only came because my friend said i should take my mind off of school stress and well, here i am”

yuta blinks for a few seconds before perking up, pushing himself up from his chair. the sudden movement surprises you, but then he’s walking over to the other corner of the room where there’s a locker located. he pops open the door and pulls out a soccer ball, then turns to you with a grin “wanna play me? loser buys slurpees at the corner store”

your eyes widen in surprise before you decide that you’ve nothing to lose and decide to accept with an added “slurpees and snacks, accordingly”

yuta ends up leading you out to the empty, open soccer field as the sun starts its descent out of the sky, kicking the ball around to you with more force and precision than you had expected

it’s only a quarter into the game when you realize that you are v seriously outplayed and yuta hasn’t broken a sweat

meanwhile you have drowned in your own bodily liquids and are probably watering the grass with it at this point

“you tricked me!” you accuse, breathing hard as you fall to your knees at another goal scored by him, but he just grins and his smile looks more devious out here than it did when you’d first seen it

“i never told you i was bad at soccer, i just told you to play me” “tricked!” “you didn’t ask!”

you rush over to retrieve the ball, wanting so badly to score a goal out of spite but when you kick,,, he just quickly blocks it and gets it into ur goal instead

finally, he decides to pity you and ends the game early with a whopping win 12-1

to make up for completely annihilating you, he offers to drive you both to the store instead of making you walk in your exhausted state and soon, the both of you are perched in chairs outside of the corner store, laughing over your slurpees and snacks and talking about everything that comes to mind, from the strange little trinkets yuta keeps in his car to your ankle socks decorated with little strawberries

the sun has fully gone down now, the night air cool but relieving on your heated skin

yuta brushes his hair back with his hand and takes a long drag from his straw before leaning back into his seat and looking at you, “so, how do you feel?”

you start at the sudden question, realizing that you have no ready-made answer on your tongue

honestly, you hadn’t thought anything about how you felt

the whole time you were with yuta, you just let go. you stopped thinking. stopped feeling. you just had fun

so you tell him just that

“i feel the most carefree right now than i ever have since i started school here”

a look of stupefaction floods his expression, making you shuffle in your seat “sorry, uh,,, was that too much?”

he quickly shakes his head, “no i just,,, uh… i feel the same”

you two just stare at each other like you’d done earlier when you’d first met, bewilderment and curiosity clear in the air

there’s something there, you both note, but what it is is still unclear

all you know is that you felt free, and all yuta knows is that he feels like he might have actually found his thing

he ends up taking you back to the school where it has gotten quite late and all the other boys have finished up with their clients and have gone home by now

yuta is going to wish you a goodnight and get back to his apartment when you turn to him and dig into your wallet all of a sudden, pulling out a few dollar bills

“i uh,, i guess you guys take donations and everything?”

usually, this wouldn’t feel so strange. after all, it’s what the club runs on next to fundraisers and the like

but

between the both of you, it just doesn’t feel right

so he pushes your hand away and grins, “you already treated me to food, silly!”

you look like you want to protest but yuta just smiles and heaves a big breath, “so! i hope i made your night”

you just look at him for a bit before blurting out “can i see you again?”

yuta is taken aback bc… well, he’s never had anyone request that of him before. he never really saw regulars like the other boys, so to imagine that he would have one just boggled his mind for a while

he soon recovered however, putting on one of his carefree smiles, “only if you’ll continue to suck at soccer”

you scowl before breaking out into laughter together, you waving a quick goodbye before slipping out of the car and heading off to your dorm room before the night got any older

and yuta really shouldn’t be surprised when he sees you in their room again the same day next week, hair put up out of your face with a funny looking headband and your body outfitted in a pair of shorts and a tee shirt and some sneakers that definitely aren’t made for running around on grass for hours

he doesn’t even get to ask you what the hell you thought you were wearing before you’re slapping your hands together and demanding a rematch for last week

and when he beats you (again), you treat him to slurpees once more

he expects you to really give up this time because now you’ve learned that he was recently attending school on a soccer scholarship and there was virtually no way that you, without any experience in the sport, could pummel him in it only after two matches

but then when he drops you off at the dorms a little earlier this time, your parting message is that you’ll be back for the next match

you meet him six days earlier, then five days, then four, three, two…

soon, you’re popping by every time you have a free hour or two to see if he’s in to play

slowly, you learn his schedule and he learns yours

the boys become well acquainted with you when you bound into the classroom with bright eyes and slightly more sport-appropriate outfits, simply yelling a “yuta, they’re here!” at the top of their lungs

while yuta starts to complain that all your meetings are the same, he does find that he’s having quite a lot of fun playing you

because, and don’t tell him i told you, but you’re getting better the more you play and he’s kinda proud

for those few hours every other day or so, it’s just the two of you messing around and playing soccer with each other

sometimes, you’ll get some talking in when you eat or when you both take a break and fall out on the grass in sweaty, panting messes

you learn all about how he wasn’t from around here, not too much of a surprise to you given his name, but you were awfully impressed with how he spoke almost like a native korean

he tells you about his life back home, about his family and how he’d gotten into soccer from a young age and adored it more than anything

he tells you how he has dreams of his mother’s homemade food and how he and his father message each other everyday about how much they miss each other

he tells you how ever since he changed his mind about his major, he’s felt lost and confused about his place in life and whether he would be anywhere near productive in the next ten years

and for the first time since yuta’s told someone about it, he feels like someone understands him

because you tell him that you feel similarly, that you don’t even know if what you’re studying for now will have any impact on your life in the future. you don’t have a clue what you want to do with your life and you don’t have a clue who you want to be,, but there’s something in that solidarity

and despite how scared the both of you are of your futures, you both decide that no matter what it is, you two can figure it out together

it’s different. it’s…. good. he likes the feeling of having someone understand him. he loves the feeling of having someone understand him and vow to walk the treacherous roads of life together. he really, really does

he also tells you about his funny habits like experimenting with making new foods (that he forces the other boys to eat and then enjoy) and teaching his unsuspecting friends out of context japanese just for kicks

you tell him if he ever teaches you something messed up in japanese you’ll kick him right in his soccer balls

he makes sure not to play u like that

except,,, maybe once

you: hey yuta how do you say “how much is this?” in japanese? i want to know if i ever visit

yuta: ohhh yeah it’s *in japanese* yuta is the best

you:…. did i just hear your name in that sentence

your friend pokes fun at you for going back so often but you honestly don’t care; you like being around yuta

in fact,, you kinda feel weird when you’re not with him

at first you had attributed it to him just having such a way with words that you would end up consumed in trying to decipher him rather than thinking about your day-to-day problems

but even when school stress was low, if he wasn’t around, you didn’t feel quite as peppy

yuta was slowly becoming something like your other half, fitting the pieces of you that you had long thought were missing

you guessed it might not have been the safest idea to start feeling so strongly for someone whose job was basically making people happy, but you felt that whatever you felt with him,, he felt with you

you could see it in the way he looked at you compared to his other clients, the way he would pretend not to light up when you’d walk in the room, or how he would try to prolong your time together in hopes that you’d stay longer,,,, keep your eyes on him more

you just didn’t know what to do with that information, didn’t know how to go about it the right way

after all, he had become someone you didn’t want to lose. if you screwed it up, you would be right back in the slump you were in before

you try instead to push the tumultuous feelings away for the time being and instead focus on meeting him again for your next match

you had managed to win your last two games and yuta was starting to get nervous, wondering if he was either losing his touch or you were just getting too good for him

when you show up to greet him that day, you notice you’re a little early and he’s with a client that had recently started coming to see him lately

she always came before you and always seemed to be somewhat starstruck whenever she would talk to him. you had eavesdropped on their conversations a number of times, so much so that you had enough blackmail fodder for d a y s

you had once teased him asking him why he never talked in such a cute voice to you as he did her

yuta: i don’t act cute for demons

usually, you would just sit off to the side and wait but you’re surprised when you’re suddenly approached by johnny who is grinning and plopping into a seat next to you, greeting you with one of his million dollar smiles “hey (y/n), waiting on yuta?”

you laugh, glancing over in the boy in question’s direction to see him fluttering his lashes at the girl “yeah, waiting on him and his girlfriend”

johnny snickers, “jealous, much?”

you fake a pout and rest your chin on your fist, “oh, definitely. i’m just overcome with the green-eyed monster!”

johnny looks over at yuta again and his friendly smile morphs into something a little sinister as he turns back to you, leaning in closer, “how obnoxious do you think we’ll have to be to get his attention?”

you take in a breath, wondering if you really should indulge johnny just for a joke, but then yuta looks over

and you start to laugh far too loudly as if johnny had just told you the most hilarious joke

you slap his shoulder for emphasis and feel yuta staring at the both of you, a slight pout on his lips as he can’t help but wonder what tf u two are even laughing abt

what’s,,, what’s with that loud laugh huh?? johnny’s not that funny??? you only laugh like that when he tells you jokes!!!!

>:(

you two keep it up well until you hear yuta call your name from the other side of the room and you finally realize the girl is long gone and yuta’s got his jacket thrown over his shoulder (all cool like, bc bad boys don’t wear their jackets apparently) and the soccer ball tucked between his hip and forearm, looking as serious as he ever has (but it’s rlly cute ishfiash)

“are you coming or are you two busy?”

johnny turns to you and tries to muffle a laugh, whispering for you to run along and that his “job is done”

whatever…. that means

you follow after yuta but he’s walking faster than usual, barely giving you a chance to keep up except for when he stops at the elevator

you try to jokingly ask him what he and his client talked about but he just mumbles “it’s confidential”

you can tell there’s something different in the air now and you’re feeling nervous, but you follow him out to the soccer field regardless and the game starts

it starts off fine, but you quickly realize that he’s playing in a totally different state than usual

he takes each shot seriously, seemingly getting you back for defeating him in the last two games

at one point, you guys get close to each other, you attempting to take the ball from him in hopes that you could somehow survive this game with more than two points or else he would totally annihilate you

your chests are bumping against each other, arms stretched backwards to fight the temptation of touching the other in order to get the ball

all it is is quick feet and sneaky steals

every time you steal, he steals back

it keeps going back and forth like that for a while, and you finally look him in the face

honestly, he could have gotten his point by now and finished the game

but,, he looks distracted

the mindless movements he makes prove that

he’ll steal the ball only to let you steal it back

“yuta…” you call his name softly, taking the ball from him once more

he seems to snap out of whatever it is that has him on another train of thought, and when he sees you have the ball, he steals it back immediately, but this time he gears up to kick it into your goal

you don’t know why you do it exactly, but you have to think fast if you want to save your ass in this game

your fingers shoot out and make contact with yuta’s sides and he jolts, breaking into an involuntary fit of laughter as you begin to tickle him

he demands that you release him in between giggles, hands weakly trying to pry yours away

you laugh too and manage to get him away from the ball just long enough to score a point while he’s compromised

yuta suddenly catches your wrists and pulls you into him, finally sucking in a breath as he realizes that you’ve just stolen a point from him. his cheeks are flushed from laughing so hard (or maybe from embarrassment, but he’d never admit to it) and he’s glaring at you, but not with nearly the same intensity as he had earlier with johnny

“you cheated” he breathes, voice low and quiet

you look up into his eyes and start smiling, flexing your hands in his grip and fighting the urge to laugh when he keeps that same hold on you, “you were distracted. i had to get your head back in the game” “you tricked me” “now, why does that sound so familiar?”

he opens his mouth to protest but finds himself speechless as he glares at you,,, and then pouts “is this payback?”

you shrug, “maybe… but why were you so distracted in the first place… you okay?”

he looks you in the eye before dropping your wrists, backing away some

and,, you miss the closeness instantaneously

yuta sighs heavily, and you’ve never heard him sound more upset before

yuta folds his arms over his chest and avoids eye contact, “i,, it’s really stupid”

“it’s ok, i expect nothing less from you” you joke, moving forward and softly tapping his chin to try and get him to look at you. you frown when he flinches away “seriously, what is it?”

“don’t you feel it?”

“feel… what?”

“you know what. just now, you felt it, didn’t you? all i do is move away from you and my whole body just feels,, wrong. it doesn’t make sense to me”

you watch as he shuffles quietly in the grass, face turned down in a thoughtful and nervous frown

suddenly, without a chance to rethink it, you grab his wrists like he had done yours and pull him right up against you, only,, you severely miscalculate his weight being thrown against you in comparison to yours being thrown against him

you go falling to the ground, right before yuta’s quick thinking has him twisting the two of you mid air so that his back hits the ground instead of yours

but again!!!! you two are really good at miscalculating!!!

and without meaning to (at least, not like this)…. your lips collide

it’s rough because of the momentum and your teeth knock together the moment you both hit the ground, but the pain disappears the second yuta hisses

and kisses you again

like you had grown so accustomed to, you get thrown into a world of your own, thoughts of the little things flying right out of the window

all you can taste is yuta’s lips and all you can feel is every nerve in your body going into overdrive

honestly, you wonder why you didn’t kiss him before

god, you really wonder why you didn’t kiss him before

you pull away first, biting your lip as you catch yuta almost chasing your lips and then letting his head fall back to the ground in defeat when you’ve moved out of his reach

“…are you still tricking me? so that I don’t call a foul on that tickling move earlier?” he narrows his eyes some, chest swelling with pride when you laugh again. because you’re laughing because of him

you cup his cheek and sigh, “you saw right through me”

that feeling you have when you’re near yuta seems to just intensify when you two decide to start dating

since yuta is naturally clingy too it just,,, works so well sehfiajsd

definitely the type of boyfriend to always be touching you in some way

sometimes if he’s not touching he’s hovering, for sure

you could just be standing and he’s like. There

the boys joke that he acts like he’s surgically attached to you but when they ask about you he always tries to act aloof like oh,,, them? yeah,,,, i don’t care abt them at all,,, i could live without them,,, *phone rings with ur caller id on the screen* wait shut up the love of my life is calling

always in The mood for some ominous reason

he’s just a bit,, kiss-starved ig

speaking of kisses!!! king of kissing you till you turn blue

he can go for quite a while and he has quite the tongue and i will leave that at that my friends

he’s such a touchy guy but if you’re equally as touchy he? goes into overload?

sometimes he might literally stop kissing you just to hyper focus on you touching him and ur like dude!!! come on!!! multi-task!!!

he blames it on the fact that you just mesmerize him and you’re too flattered to scold him again

;-;

you guys ofc still have your soccer matches, and you’ve gotten quite good

yuta had honestly missed playing between classes and the club and such, so you encourage him to rejoin the soccer team just for fun and he just loves it so much. he really did miss playing like he used to

speaking of the club, yuta is still a member, but it’s pretty clear his mind is elsewhere with clients

eventually, he decides that he can’t devote his full attention to clients any more so instead he asks 2tae and doyoung if he can maybe take an executive position

and they’re like?? uh YEH u started the damn thing lol

so yuta starts helping put together fun little outings and just tries to make the club not only more fun for the clients, but also for the members

and steadily, more ppl start to join!!! and not just boys!!!

honestly there’s a personality for everyone and something that everyone can enjoy

one time you came to visit yuta during the club hours and a newcomer mistook you for a member and started shyly asking jungwoo if she could pick you

needless to say yuta was v amused

“wow (y/n), if you weren’t dating me i’d probably hire u right now” “yuta please evaporate”

but anywho, despite all of this, yuta still hasn’t figured out what he wants to major in and do with his life

but also… he’s realized that’s okay

and that not everybody has life figured out like that

and if he has to take a year off and find something to do until he gets it then he will

and if he leaves school and never pursues it again, he’d be alright with that

because honestly, his fear of not being perfect or the rising star he was expected to be back home can’t overshadow the love he’s received not only from you but also his friends and family. and while everything in this day and age tells him he has to have it all figured out by now, he has other plans

he knows whatever he chooses to do from tomorrow morning till the last day of his life, he’ll make the decision because he wants to, because he loves what he’s going to do, and because his happiness is more important than any preconceived notions of “success”

he’ll be alright, he’s more than loved enough to see the silver lining

[castlehead]

beauty seems to be really funny most of the time and i like dat.

this idea that sends pop definitions of beauty running for the hills makes for some

quality distance, if only one step back.

what if i had any idea who i was but could see into everybody else

phone home cheeky cosmic touch m8 gonna think this is too easy

yeah but not let’s feel this way without before examining ourselves

for anything fake about it first parting from the idea that there wasnt anyway

and then parting cuz that knows so much

that part of me knows so much abt what do you call it extreme fear of maudlin

i run naked thru the grass singing abt yesteryear

                        ...There’s a move in social situations I like to call, “around the sun” whereby you wait for the game to end to play music, or wait patiently for one plan of another to say its peace so you can say yours. I like to take it to a more extreme level and say, turn down the fuckin tv, I want to listen to a thing I find beautiful.

SONG ONE : like the earth

1. Sit back and dream of clouded metaphors Reveal the schemes that we devised Back in the day, when ur hands were small And the WORLD splayed out colorfully Before our eyes

(chorus)

Take ur thronging bussloads of the living dead Take all the lifetimes of a million busy heads Ur sly intellectuals that laugh in the dome The only place, the only place is in the peaceful tones Of singing birds perched on ascending wires, like notes

2. Caught u up past three, sitting on the porch I woke up from a dream that I immediately forgot That seems to happen a lot, especially if previously I torched a dutch and passed the fuck out But from the ether of my dreams I heard, from the scope of reality I heard you shout

(chorus)

3. The sun and the moon both live in a box And the box is a square made out of lead And the square lies motionless in ur head Like a body on the rocks

Watch the hour tuck away into an evening A day nestled in afternoon light From the beginning In ur mind that made all minds the same The twilight creeping across ur paper brain And I can only burn and burn and burn

And I can turn round like the EARTH And I can be a sphere like the EARTH And I can stitch up the nations With fear, like the EARTH

(chorus)

                        ...people who call it a false flag just don’t wanna think it’s their own who bomb, if it can’t be a towelhead.

SONG TEW : the rainbow

The sinister rainbow blinks over the clover And the dawn is a monster in my brain I'll take a picture before this song is over And I’ll fix u in a wheel to keep me sane

Don’t break out the gin for the old lady creepers Smoke until the blur makes ur head float around I live in hades, burn my tongue on the heater When I lick this heaven ill taste yur sound

(chorus)

What Im saying isnt deep What Im stealing isnt cheap But I know that if i play it loud and long That this song in my head will instead Form a beat

Like a stranger in the rain Slowly driving me insane There's a fork in the road And I dont know whether Or when, all this shit will come together In the end

2. I got a stupid friend who lives in a pause He takes life from the tiger’s jaws, and prays

That life begins again, after it is over And the rainbow shines like a dream, in a daze

Ill take u thru the eye of the needle Ill breathe a testament to ur false gods Ill tell the truth, and contaminate the evil And zap u like a lightning rod

(chorus)

3. Dont you know that the rainbow is the world? Dont you know that the news is already told? Im gettin too old to be unfurled Im seein the rainbow in my mind Im waking up for the daily grind Im singing useless things for useful people The rainbow is not evil, its kind Dont u know that the color kings rattle like a marble In a tin can? And the rainbow eats the darkness like a mother Without a son? Dont u know that u can never be a man? And the rainbow drags across the empty land And the rainbow drags across the empty land

(chorus) (chorus)

                        ...the only division is classical and romantic. all else is contributory to these two. postmodern, modern, no. romantic. it all follows the romantic objective. one is ruled by the time at which it occurred, and the other is ruled by the mechanism of breaking from any present time.

SONG THREE : an ending that promises to begin again

1. A legend sleeps in yur head somewhere You take yur trembling hands And grope for mine, like a bum for spare Change... You cant explain

This strange perdition that engulfs Yur position in the sane... And the trouble of the pulse That leads a broken synapse Up into my eccentric brain... Theres a clot in my neck And the ruins of time Keep me from being able to find A comfortable spot to rest

(chorus)

Im stuck in erasure--a constant exposure To the elements still provides me with eyes To see bad karma writhing in my spleen And I wonder if ill dream While the whole WORLD is awake Will I be the manufactured figure, Will I be fake?

Or will I take these petty abstractions And roll them up into a ball And put them in my pocket Just to feel the reason stall In my throat... Is life a puzzle, or a joke?

2. The life you led one sunny afternoon Is the life you never led again... I can appreciate the reasons For why you did not blend Like a chameleon in the room But cant discern the seasons Of the moon

Yur whispers prosper, loud Like a passionate apostle And the lords are proud of ur Painting on the wall... That skritter of an evening gone Is enough to scatter colors When the sky finally falls, And the lords are like the brothers Of what lorded over them... Take these idols and shatter them... The racket in my brain is loud And does not end And does not end And does not end, even when the jig is up Cuz ive gotten fucked by time: Its an ending that promises To begin again

(chorus)

                        ...Nobody starts an Apollonian, and only those are Dionysian who have the capacity for restraint needed to confer the Apollonian chariot, tho some die without a revision of the vision etc. some die restraintless

SONG FOUR : chauncey ames and the case of jenny preston

1. Chauncey loved the flowers Chauncey loved the trees Chauncey smelled the wind And knew that he was free

Chauncey took a cab home Chauncey felt the air flow Thru the window He paid the driver extra Just for keeping him From being alone... Back, once again To the place that he had left Long ago

In fact, it had been years and years and years Since the man had seen walls Not fortified in concrete... In fact, it had been years and years and years Since this man had put to rest That lying cheat

(chorus)

Chauncey was a killer That was his disease Got off on manslaughter: Fingerprints on a pair keys Got him twelve years For offing someone's daughter Even tho she was eighty three Cuz no matter how old u are Everyone Is a daughter or son To someone

2. Now he's out, but he has his fears... Maybe people will not like him For his past It is unclear Even after all the facts Had been presented... Whether Jenny Preston Was murdered, or just had a bad fall Onto a bed of broken glass They found her in the hall At the head of the stairs, flat on her wrinkled ass

(chorus)

Chauncey was a man of few words But in the end he was unheard His eyes were petrified In delirium His arms shook As he held the gun He took aim On the good book Instead of his brains just to prove a point His neck is craned His eyes like coins That shine their milky matter On the barrel of a luger

(Chorus)

                        ...doubt any of y'all would live up to the wit/confidence/sardonicism y'all judiciously sculpt for hours on the book of face.

SONG FYVE: my summer home

1. This is food for thought Write it down in chalk: The chimney puffs From the fire in the fireplace And erupts in a black plume And with luck The old man Balances a spoon On his nose He sits inside a room As the room grows Smoking from a pipe While its raining outside And the light Is waning, slowly waning, outside

My fingers and my toes Are numb to the bone And I will have my wish To swim with all the fish In the sea of my mind In time ill find A little spot in the country Somewhere peaceful and secluded Ill save up all my money And hope im not deluded And hope that I can find a place Thats nice, a lush spot For a good price

(Chorus) Do you feel that I feel you? Do you feel that you feel me? The time is right to live again To let the atoms wiggle In our spherical galaxy That seems to have no real end But the one that we assume Is reality, and soon We'll eat up all the doom

2. Concentrate upon a single understanding Dont let the sisters on the throne Rage in the dome And find out that this trip Needs more planning to exist

The sky is silver and the universe is green Ill show you things in this world That you have never seen Things that have been waiting So long to be unfurled Things for boys and things for girls Without an explanation Ill bring the nation together And hold it by a tether Show you things for boys And things for girls

(Chorus)

                        ...for example i would never be able to muster the cognitive stones to say all of this, in order, amongst the company of people, even friends

SONG SIX : notion

#1 im in the middle of this phrase Stuck between the lines Bless these simple chains I'll see what I can find In my simple mind To lead to some way out The drip, drip drip of water From the trippy rusty spout Keeps me awake I'll explain that to ur daughter The world is fake The world is miles away:

Chorus: Put a notion on the river And see it travel downsteam Suspended on liquid creature dreams I sweated thru the fever And, between the middle of this phrase Passed all my days in solitude And grew weaker, as the days Passed on in solitude

You can call me daft You can say im frozen In technicolor time That im stranded on an island In the middle of the ocean But I dont have the spine To wiggle thru the shaft And give you back This simple notion

#2 I gots a paper boat Lofting on the water It travels down ur purple throat And dissolves in the water

I set a fire just to see if it could think And I questioned the venom Just to see if it could blink Nonsense on the edge Of the bullshit day Chillin on the ledge, you shape the clay And drive the screws on down And drive the screws on down

I thought of you, thought of you And I felt like a clown

(chorus)

#3 I crawl out, I crawl out I crawl out of bed I walk down the hall To turn the notion into thread And whisper rumors to the dead Sometimes I try to talk And my voice drops Sometimes the vague paralysis Defies analysis And you are left sitting on a chair In a yellow room That is a technicolor tomb Without a door, confined and spare, I crawl, I crawl I crawl out of bed And walk down the hall And fall and fall and fall Into the creation of sound Until I hit the ground And everything is mother night And the imperfections in yur eye Spangle in the strange notion of the twilight

(chorus) (chorus)

                         ...the broad concept of subjectivity has as much to do with a detailed exegesis of one tenet of it as death itself with the specific way we die

SONG SEVEN : collected and connected

You're a sharp one You're a dumb one You got nobody But the people in yur head

And everybody is connected But you aint connected to them Yur a ghost, on the interim While the fringes die out You live them out To the last splinter Until it is winter And the trees are all white with snow And the blue wind blows

Yu spend twenty minutes Feeling for the lightswitch In a room made out of figments That you shovel into a ditch And bury, along with all yur Dangerous ambitions And as you drive away, you feel The religion Of yur memories corrupt u And yu reel

CHORUS. Cuz everyones connected Everyones collected Into the same intangible organism That lives life in the schism Of ur teeth I watch ur lips move And cannot hear u speak I pick up on the clues and watch the pressure leak Until all of it is used And nothing much is left To be abused

Everyones connected by a string That trembles across the space Of every living thing The fractions of my face illuminate in the light I shake when i sing I am a yellow kite Mangled in a tree Forgotten by the breeze I am a thing, wafting in the breeze But I have begun again, my friend, Just by following the string Follow, follow the string

#2 Two days ago the WORLD was made of angles I opened my eyes to the lost ways And came upon a shallow swale The brush and branches tangled And the rays of the sun, barely Coming thru the jail Of the scary fray

Dont you think that yur fellow men Would like to lend a hand? And dont you think That this desert you have crossed Only gets u more lost Until u arrive at the brink Of the sahara, and find A single, solitary house Where a mumbling old man Is confined

(CHORUS) (CHORUS)

i always dress nice when i have no place to go. otherwise i look like a sweaty coked up hobo. its my chic, paranoid hobo chic. my comportment u say? quirky to the acquaintance, somewhat sad to the friend, an endearing mix of both with a dash of worry to the best friend, and an embarrassment to the significant other. im usually the life of the party bc i bring drugs so people are forced to tolerate my horror of a personality.

rejection is a rare and beautiful flower my time is spent tending it my life wants it to be a gift i water the flower it sits next to my bed it is next to a lamp littered under the lamp are dead ladybugs ladybugs are all over my house but if i am not meant i am not meant and i cast my line of poetry here trying to figure out if it was meant to be there wonder exactly why what is innumerable can be rare and think of lots of things

[unravelling-the-world]

I was trying my best, and another friend who always took pictures of us (we took pics of him as well dw) documented all of those moments, i even used a not-permanent spray color hair for that day just so the pictures could be special. I didn't particularly like myself, I never did ,but I was too busy to think about it. When i went out, i felt decent at least. Binder, thick under-eye red/black liner, just the perfect e-boy look i wanted. I felt that, as a pre-hrt person, I was looking as masc as I could while doing the style that makes me comfortable and I want to achieve. I was doing my best everytime we went out to look presentable in the pictures, and I did well 9/10 times. At some point, there was a light festival as well. I went with one friends and my cousin and we had fun. My friend and I took pictures, my cousin didn't want hers taken but we still interacted a lot and had fun, I loved the pics of that day. I never got to post them, because my downfall came soon after. At that point in time, I was finally living the dream. I posted frequently on ig (bc i went out frequently) and even though i wasn't anyone big, no partnerships or anything, not even 1k followers, I was growing, and having been intoxicated by fame at age 12, it was just what I needed. My posts started getting 70 likes on average and 7-10 comments, i only had 500 followers but they were growing at an average of 20 followers/month. A lil tween reached out to me and told me he thought I was really cool and was my fan. Bro, that was awesome. Things were moving forward, and altough i felt afraid of the future, I was working on it all. I was making progress in other aspects as well,having come out formally recently and with help from my psychologist, we were going to start looking into hrt, and i just couldn't believe it. I only have read fast and short info. I never really wanted to inform myself more because deep within me I was just afraid I'd never be able to get it and get my hopes up for nothing. We appointed a session to talk about that. This was march, and at my house, we watched a Japanese channel (because we are all interested in Japanese culture and such) So I knew the coronavirus was coming. They started talking about it since the start, in december, obviously, because they are way closer to where the virus started so it spread faster there. I remember it was on a cruise first. I knew it would eventually arrive here, so through all summer i told my mother "it's only a matter of time." I knew it'd come. March was here, and the last time i went out with my friends came along. Inside my head, I felt like I knew that was the last time. I had thoughts about "I wonder if i'll ever get to see a sight like this again". I managed to take some pictures, because,inside me, I knew that was the last time. I wanted to preserve the memory of it. I didn't want to forget. At the time, with a friend, who took the same metro line as me but lives further away, since it was just us two, when saying goodbye we'd always say "see you in five minutes" (like in endgame, because i told her the whole movie and told her when they said that and then black widow died) and she LAUGHED so hard and it became an ongoing joke between us (we are both kinda suicidal ngl but we just laugh abt it.) We said it that day as well, but we actually never saw each other again lmao

At that point, in the country, there were about 4 covid cases. Only 1 in the capital, so it had started, but was only just the start. When I got home, i kind of knew that was the last. My classes started, and for two weeks, it was hell on earth. Online,obviously. I got paired up with the guy I hated the most in the entire generation (I only knew half of them, and liked even fewer, but this guy. fuck. i would have killed him. he was awful.) Anyways. Yeah. But at the end, classes got postponed until further notice. So I was now a Neet! For a while, even though coronavirus was getting worse and worse here as everywhere, I was doing good. I was living the introvert dream, and since I have a decent/good relationship with my parents and grandma, life was just great. All around me I saw everyone struggle with quarantine. I was having a blast. Playing sims, watching anime, anything went. Shit was great. Got Gta V for free when epic released it, and had a blast. Got obsessed with obey me for a while. It was all fun.... Met via discord with my friends. Almost daily with certain friends, once in a while with others, but the whole group would be together at least once. It was good, for me. I felt good. I would ocassionally wake up and tell my mother that I was happy, and hug her. I don't think i'd ever done that. I was at peak, and I knew it. Drew a lot, played a lot. Did a lot of things and projects. Everything felt ok...My dysphoria wasn't great during these times (since now i stay in pajamas all day except when I use camara to meet with friends, and obviously I dont wear my binder with my pajamas) But i had so much free time, that I could just ignore it. (I'm good at avoiding things. at running away.)

Classes started June 1st. First day, I had a breakdown. I don't remember why, but I couldn't connect to class. I felt overwhelmed. I don't know and don't like asking for help because i feel useless when I do. So I didn't. Apparently I seemed more upset than I thought, because my dad noticed. When comforted or confronted, I always cry. I can't talk about my feelings without crying. I feel weak for expressing them. Even writing this, i feel the knot in my neck. My dad saw and ended up helping and comforting. I cried a lot. I went to class, but spent the whole 3 hours of class crying. Things were unstable for a while, but I was keeping afloat, I guess. I started feeling like shit, I wasn't happy daily anymore. Online learning felt so distant and so difficult and so different. I don't like change. At least not without expecting it beforehand. So yeah, that ended up taking a toll on my mental health. The downfall started. I was quite busy, but still tried to meet with friends via discord whenever we could. We had some online birthdays, and season 3 of osomatsu san had already been announced. I was looking forward to it so much. I was in pain, but that thought was keeping me going. I started getting worse, mentally. I started isolating myself ocasionally. I have quite long gaps from this period. I can't really recall much of what happened or what it was like. At some point around August-September I was watching 6teen, because my uni decided that starting a semester and compressing it into a trimester was a good idea, and finals were in september, i think. At the time of finals, i was watching 6teen. I didn't wanna finish it, so I started total drama after. I had a week of vacation in September as well, and I think I was OK for the week.

I won't lie. I don't remember october. I only know Osomatsu-san started here bc I waited for it all year long. I regained closer contact with a friend who lives in japan. Halloween also had an online meeting. I cosplayed, and felt good with myself for the night, for the first time in months. But I ended up having a breakdown later that night. A friend who didn't come and had said he'd come ended up arriving very late (2-3AM ish, meeting was at 10PM) He was very drunk. I don't mind. He says he just came to say sorry he didn't come bc he ended up meeting with irls. We tell him it's ok. He disconnects. He reconnects not long after, but we are confused, since that's not his voice. It was his friend who took his phone, a classic party prank. Doesn't matter, it was fun for a bit. This guy is also mad drunk, so talking to him is weird and funny. But shit gets bad for me in a bit. I was using a voice changer, as I usually do online, because Im ashamed of my high pitched voice. But this guy misgenders me, more than once, and also my friend who lives in japan. He doesn't seem to care, and I act like I don't, but it hurts so bad. My other friend who was there at that time corrects him, more than once. I felt thankful to her. I never thanked her afterwards because I didn't know how to bring out that topic without crying. This guy is very drunk though, and altough i doubt he had vile intentions because of the way he phrased it, he insists, that those are womans voices. They talk about it a bit, verbal comebacks. I wanted them to stop. At some point, my friend who lives in Japan leaves bc its lunch time for him. I felt like shit. I just told this other guy "I'm 10" and he dropped the subject, he believed me and the explanation. My friend laughed her ass out, because she thought I said it as a joke. Truth is, that was just a desperate answer to get him to drop the topic. I dont really care if he believed I was 10 or not though. I just wanted it to stop. He jokes with my friend for a bit more. I didn't talk much after, because I felt ashamed. I didn't want to talk ever again. Even now, even with the voice changer, I don't have the confidence I had when I started using it. I have lowered the pitch twice, just in case. My friend left the call a bit later. When she left, I left as well. I was thankful to her though. I don't remember if i cried or not, but it caused me a massive breakdown for about two weeks. I didn't talk online with anyone until my birthday, I think. I didn't tell anyone but my psychologist this.

I don't remember November much either. I know it's my birthday, and I know I came back to tumblr in november. Yall know when. Canon destiel and shit. Tumblr hadn't felt so alive in years. It felt like home. I remember I was having a bad breakdown during that time. I think it was career related. I can't really remember much. The shitshow happening on tumblr Destiel Election actually helped me get better. I remember this only because of a conversation I had with a friend. I started working on christmas decorations as well. December came along, I worked hard on christmas decorations. I played a bit as well, because on some of my classes I just didn't have anything to do lol. Decorations were finished two weeks in advance for christmas. For the first time ever! I was happy. During these times,Nov-Dec lockdowns started easing up a bit. I still can't go out at all though, because I live with my grandmother, so we're supposed to minimize risks. My parents only go out for shopping essentials that can't be bought online. So it's fair and I understand it, but it started becoming hard on mental health. Not because I can't go out, but because my friends start going out. They know I can't go, they don't exclude me, but they know I can't and I also know I can't. I guess in a form, its jealousy. It becomes hard because there's no one to blame. It's no one's fault. I'm not excluded on purpose, but the truth is, I don't want to hear them talk about what they do when they have fun. I've always been insecure. Even when all evidence points otherwise, I still believe, deep inside,they hate me. They wish I weren't in the group and would be better off without me. It gets hard sometimes.

Even though in general December was quite good, it also came with a major breakdown. One of my best friend's bday is in December. Up until then, Me, her, and another friend had been playing league of legends nearly daily. It was toxic sometimes (the game/community, not my friends) but we had fun. I just liked playing together. But that would come to an end as well. My friend celebrated her birthday, and did invite me, but obviously I couldn't go,and she knew this beforehand, so she didn't get mad or anything. She handled the situation very well, wrote on the gc once, and then did a special gc for birthday attendants to talk about details there and such, and reminded friends who asked in the gc to talk in the birthday gc. (this is how i knew, but i think it was well done tbh, i wish they'd just asked in the bday gc instead so i wouldn't have seen it and felt bad about how i couldn't go) My friend also offered to have me as an online guest, like, being in videocall in the computer on the table. like Karen from spongebob ig. the idea was cool, but honestly i felt bad. She celebrates her bday with her gf bc their dates are near, and I just didn't really want to inconvenience them? I mean, her gf is cool and she used to hang out with our group ocassionaly and she was cool and fit in, and it never felt awkward talking to her irl or anything but it's not like she's my friend and honestly I didn't wanna inconvenience her party, and even though I'm sure my friend wouldn't have minded, I didn't want to be an extra inconvenience for her too. I just wanted her to have fun, honestly. But feeling like a burden ended up weighing on my mind. This caused a bad bad breakdown, beforehand I had started to become better,little by little, but these two weeks waiting for that event to happen felt like a nightmare to me. I didn't tell anyone. I think i wrote it about here once. Around this time, an account on instagram called "matsunoadvice" got reccomended to me, and Oh boy Have I gone to them for advice. Of course, I sent them a message at the time, desperate for someone to talk to, because I couldn't tell anyone about this, because all my other friends know each other kinda and i didn't wanna inconvenience everyone. I didn't want anyone to know i felt like shit. I felt thankful to my friend, because she did try her best to include me, I just didn't really wanna inconvenience anyone. I guess I'd rather suffer alone myself than being a pain in the ass for someone else. After all, I've accepted that I'm alone long ago, and since now there's nothing I can do to maintain my social relationships now,I may as well just accept that theyre ending now. I kind of isolated myself for those two weeks, sometimes i would still connect on discord, but it always felt kind of distant. I stopped playing league of legends around this time.

I still hadn't confirmed to my friend if i was virtually going or not. Truth is, i kind of knew I probably wouldn't want to go in the end, bc im Like That™ But i told her in advance that i'd let her know the date of the event early in the day because of how unstable I am and I wouldn't actually be sure until the day (which was true when I told her) So the day of the event i told her that I was thankful but I wouldn't be assisting virtually and told her to have a great day! She replied okay in a nice way as she always did. I don't think she seemed weirded out by my answer. I hope she didn't feel bad, because she's very empathetic so I hope she didn't think about me at all that day. I hope she never reads this, and even if she does, she didn't really do anything wrong and handed the situation the best she could, the pain was unevitable for me due to the situation. beforehand i had also had a similar breakdown though, because 3 friends who i was/am? still very close to started meeting each other to skate together. I don't know how to skate/have never skated and obviously can't go either way, and sometimes they'd talk about it in the vc. I remained calm always until the call ended,but I did cry about it late at night. It's selfish, of course, but when no one saw anyone, it was easier. we were all the same. But now it felt like they were all moving on without me. In a way, it's what I always wanted, but I always wished to die first. I know it's not sane, but i'd imagined situations like that in my head, where I die and then everyone moved on and it made me feel calmer. But seeing that unfold before my eyes, when i'm still breathing here, i'm still here. It felt lonely. I'm glad they're having fun. I'm just upset I can't do it as well? And it makes me feel like inevitably my relationships with them will break and fall apart and dissapear and they're all still gonna be a interwined network, even though I did everything I could to maintain it because it's all I've ever had outside of my direct family? I didn't make any friends at uni or have a different group of friends so it just...hurt? It still hurts, i'm just more used to it. Also after the bday i did try to connect in vc but it just made me worse, like a friend said like "noo it got too wild honestly u didnt miss anything" and i was like lmao ok but i felt like kinda sad anyways but if i was there i wouldve probably slept through it anyways

...after i felt awful bc i have another friend who is just kinda blunt and kinda dumb when it comes to how others feel, and he was like ohh yeah but after the bday [friend] took us and some of [friends gf's friends] to our houses and since it was early we went to a mcdonalds and it was so fun !! and it was just so uncomfortable bc obviously im glad you have fun but like i dont wanna know??? bc it hurts a fuckin lot???? and my other friend who was also in vc (he was the one w the car) he was like "haha yeaaa it was fun" but he seemed quite uncomfortable talking abt it he could probably tell i didnt wanna hear and ik my other friend only did it bc he's naive not bc he had bad intentions but yeah it sucked i was like haha thats great heh.....like what ya want me to say babe

Christmas arrived and it ended up helping me a lot. Christmas is my favorite holiday and I decorated a month in advance, baked cookies for the first time (with my mom) and we just did a lot of things this year. It made me happy and kept me occupied through the pain (I know i described a lot of pain here but I only paid attention to it at night, which is why it still hurts now probably bc i've had it all repressed) And of course the gifts, honestly I didn't know what to expect because this year I didn't really know what to ask for and just asked for a surprise (because i love receiving things! anything) And my dad definetely outdid himself with all the gifts, I loved them and they're all useful too! I was amazed and i told my friends abt it and it ended up in me talking more in the vc again, and i also started playing genshin impact in late december as well. We also held a secrer santa in the group but not everyone participated (mostly bc of money) but the 4 of us that did was fun! i knew everyone's secret santa bc 2/4 asked to me for help and they were mutual </3 so i knew me and my other friend were mutual too lol but it was cool. I kinda was a bitch a bit though bc he delievered my gift to my home and was going to come a random day and I just wasn't prepared bc I was afraid of seeing him honestly I didn't want to see him and I hoped he wouldn't come? He didn't come that day but he did come some days after, I truly wasn't ready at that point anyway and my mom said we could let him inside if he sanitized, but he came with his mother and didn't get out of the car, we just exchanged the gifts, and honestly I was glad, i was polite and just said hi to both and thanks and all! Obviously i love him a lot bc we're close but idk why i didnt want him to come into my house i just feel like im so boring now and I dont know what we couldve talked abt and honestly ive always been shy but now i just forgot how to socialize and i was terrified so when he didnt get out i was just glad.....well, also

I feel like all of these incidents separated me and my friend who had her birthday on december. Now she wouldn't join the vc or gc often (or say she couldn't, which she usually did before) so I just assumed she hated me, but i didn't really have the guts to ask? She still liked my memes on the gc sometimes but not as she used to, she always used to like every single meme (or nearly all) and she never talked over me (I always get talked over except when I'm drunk bc i become a bit less shy therefore more violent) and would even call others out for me when talked over and always respected everything i told her abt me (Through the years, i've told her some of my deepest shits bc i just trust her like that i dont mind if she knows) but it just felt distant? Also a bit before that, at the start of december we started streaming on twitch, and that week i was very bad I told her i wouldn't play much bc i wasnt doing well but I was up for streaming bc i rly wanted to be professional abt it even if we dont pursue it as a career, but in the end we didnt stream, and fell out of streaming a bit after that. I was kind of afraid to ask her if she wanted to stream again, but we'd talked once and she said she'd finally gotten the cat earphones for the streams (she mentioned she wanted them beforehand) yeah anyways i dont think she actually hates hates me but idk the idea still lingers in my mind

uh yeah also i felt like shit for a bit bc i thought she definetely hated me bc we hadnt talked in a bit and she didnt like my memes anymore so i just assumed the worst, i even listened to break up music (which is what i do when a friendship ends bc altough ive never rly had strong romantic feelings for anyone that kind of song helps me move on after friend breakups too bc no one warns you abt how painful these are) and i cried obviously, but again i never mentioned it to anyone (i made a few vague textposts here though) and just got my shit together even if it hurt? lol, well a bit of time passes and everything seems to go back to normal, i dont remember how she told us but she said she had a job now which is why she didnt connect much and slept earlier and i felt relief lol bc i legit thought she hated me and i felt like shit abt it lol i mean the idea they kinda hate me lingers in my mind all the time but at that point in life i was like. SURE she hated me until that point. now we ocasionally play genshin together but i cant really talk at that time and that also makes me upset bc i do wake up late and im trying to fix my schedule a bit by waking up at 2pm instead of 5 pm but it doesnt even matter bc i play board games with my grandma daily (bc its good for her and its fun i do enjoy it) i just wish we could do it earlier bc lately she gets up at like 9pm and i end up finishing playing at 11/12/1 and its just kinda late to meet w my friends bc i always have smth to do/finish after and i just cant make it in time even if i wake up earlier? lol but i cant change her schedule so theres nothing i can do but cry about it

oh also ik matsunoadvice gave me advice on this but like there's this friend who i love obviously but sometimes he just talks abt his meetings w other friends and like it only makes me angry as fuck and i cant ask him to not bc im too shy but i wish he could stop. and also when he complains abt skate related stuff it makes me unexplainably angry but like i have no reason or right to im just angry bc i cant do that and probably never will bc i doubt ill ever be able to go out again ?? lol. and he even offered like "when we go out again u should come and ill lend u my skate and if u like it u can get one" and honestly its all super nice and i appreciate it and ive thanked him and told him yes but it just makes me feel angry inside bc i dont see an ending with all the mutations and shit and my voice cracks when i tell him haha yeah if we ever meet again bc honestly my youth is already over and i just spent it like a social recluse and i read a post here when i was younger that said like lgbt people spend their teens closeted and ashamed and live their teens in their twenties but now im gonna miss my twenties to the pandemic and then ill be too fucking old and itll be too fucking late and ill have to die and i just never lived bc i still havent even transitioned yet and i doubt ill ever be able to (this also causes me a lot of pain but i will ignore it) and the other day he said like i hope i can see u this year bc i miss u and i just said that honestly ive lost all hope of ever seeing anyone again and my voice cracked and my other friend said something related but not so related and im just glad he talked in bc i didnt rly care i just wanted to change the topic bc i know ill never see them again and eventually probably lose contact and see them all have fun together without me just as if i was dead but just didnt pass away and its difficult but i have to accept it and it hurts a lot now but in 7 years itll be fine, just like i accepted im unlovable and will never have a s/o and when i was 12 that hurt a lot but now it doesnt so someday i will be alone but i hope it doesnt hurt anymore.

this is all a mess and the format is everywhere and theres no timeline i hope no one reads it. if u do read it im sorry. i just honestly been carrying all of this for a while now and i want it out of my system honestly bc i dont know what to do with it and i was on the verge of a breakdown for a minimal thing hours ago i just want all this info out of my brain.....also obv these are only the bad things that have happened/good things that took me out of the hole but a lot of good things happened too lol and i skipped a lot of imp points like i changed careers and shit and also i met a lot of cool mutuals since i got back to tumblr and ososan been carrying my mental health every monday but yeah i just wanted the negatives out of the system. the frustrations and the anger. i hope no one reads this fr its so messy

[cnisms]

ok wow... here are some v basic intros for beck, aja, veronika, bella, angel n natalya ! they won’t be super detailed bc... theres fricken 6 of them... some are longer, some are shorter, they are all ugly. but i do know my muses inside out so if u ever want me to expand on anything or fill in any gaps, just lmk. no stat pages for any of them yet, so i’ll list the basics in here. plotting ? yk what to do ! im me or just punch me in the face ! n ofc if theres specific plots u have in mind already just lmk bc as yall know... im always gonna snatch them up anyways (also ONCE AGAIN sorry for never replying to ims, i’m just a lot of foul moods these days n obviously it’s got nothin to do w yall so i wait... aka i get five minutes of peace a week... but i 100% always wanna plot n be friends !!! i WILL reply... eventually...) v brief mentions of miscarriage, drug addiction, neglect, murder n obviously death.

i lied i actually did start this ugli’s stats !! barely, but they’ll be here.

you will never met a bigger nerd than beck ever im tellin u now

had a nice childhood, parents are both scientists n lowkey hippies, v v v smart household. they were always more friendly than parental with him due to the fact that he’s always been (not super mature but) very intellectual.

grew up interested in everything. studied hard n fast. has graduated too many times. thought maybe the goal was to be a lecturer ? couldn’t pick on what tho. ended up staying to hang around his last university and instead tutors literally everyone in literally any subject. if ur muse is studying @ imperial college ? beck is their favourite tutor. srry it’s law !

just a nice guy ? unfortunately doesn’t have very many negative traits to him bc that’s just the way it worked out but he does talk a lot n has trouble effectively communicating anything he hasn’t studied so he may not always appear to be the nicest guy but ? he rlly is just a ugh jesse mccartney vc beautiful soul.

barely getting by bc how much can u charge uni students ? the answer is the minimum. he’s never been super materialistic or anything so it’s not a rude shock to him but his social life suffers (i mean he could find plenty to do himself but he is always rejecting invitations) due to lack of funds.

so boring.. so vanilla..

has to told be told to shut up or he will go for two days n yes it does hurt his feelings xx

megan ajala parekh (goes by aja), 22, cisfemale, panromantic, pansexual, listens to too much usher

was raised between the city n a farm a lil while out of town. had to deal w all of the divorce drama worse than either of her parents. they all cut each other off when she was 16 and she’s fake af making jokes abt it, acting like it was the best decision ever but she wasn’t prepared at all ? she was just couch surfing n surviving on birthday money from her grandparents n she was scared but v “no goin’ back now ig!” about the whole situation/

big mess ! also had no idea what she wanted to do but she was actually a huge flop education wise (no offense gf, me too) n ended up in a government programme n through that she just did whatever was recommended so she ended up in aged care n she loves it !

to be fair she loves everything tho so ? that’s not really sayin much. 

super excitable n ott. is always goin’ head first into everything.

as a result she’s also always exhausted n grumpy. one or the other. she can’t calm herself down n maintain a healthy lifestyle. it just doesn’t work.

lives in a disused hospital bc why not. she’s savin’ up for a nice van... to live in... that’s rlly where she sees herself.

except she’s not really saving up bc she’s the definition of headassery and is spending all her money on fast food and expensive sunglasses n hats that she will lose that same week.

i’m falling asleep but naomi scott is a goddess so whom cares 

veronika erikson, 40, cisfemale, biromantic, bisexual, old as mc’heck so she’s actually got a life for me to talk abt

born in denmark, was scouted at 16, lived between paris and new york after that, had massive success as a model. made money, set trends, still pops up in every other #goals pinterest board and #mood instagram tag. was an entire it girl back in the 90s but ! it was never fulfilling.

literally all she wanted ? her entire life ? was to be a mother ? nothing else ? modelling was a good way for her to make money bc realistically she wouldn’t have been happy doing anything that wasn’t raising her own children but she was never satisfied.

NEVER GOT HER BABIES ! despite marrying very young (she was v keen to start a family but she was also super in love) n immediately gettin into it and giving up her career at 23 to be at her prime health-wise, she had no success. suffered a LOT. the fact that the problem could never be identified was obviously super frustrating n stressed her the frick out ? the miscarriages my dude... she’d been through it n would tell herself not to get her hopes up but it was obviously always worlds worst heartbreak every time.

grew to resent her husband bc tho she knew he wasn’t to blame, she needed to put it on someone. never adopted or looked at other options out of (irrational) fear that she’d have the same kind of feelings towards any children that she didn’t birth herself so ! shit didn’t get better. it literally started 10 yrs ago... and it the negative feelings changed in intensity over n over but they somehow managed to survive 10 years n only recently separated so ! she got rid of everything n moved to london for a fresh start where she now flips houses bc she can ig n it gives her smth to do !

honestly would make the best mother ? she’s aunt to the yates siblings (hey huns) and always did the most for her fricken mini-me imogen. beautiful vodka aunt who brings gifts and gushes about u n is here to gossip but is ready to go off on ur ass if u force her to. won’t go around babying people but... if u give her the chance... 

that... that’s her personality... ideal mom in every way.

separates her private n public life very well but doesn’t share her important thoughts or feelings at all. generally a nice but passive person. 

courtney love tweeting about riverdale vibes.

arabella gomfrey, 23, closeted pan princess (literally a princess (cici is shaking)), sofia coppola’s marie antoinette

the whole gomfrey situation will be developed eventually but for now here is this.

they may not be, but bella is a v affectionate person. is wedged firmly up her entire family’s ass. loves her parents n lets them n everyone else know. rlly thinks they’re right about absolutely everything. will agree to n do anything they say.

will do anything anyone says honestly ? as long as it doesn’t come in conflict with what her parents want for her ? tell her to walk off a building bc it’ll make her parents happy n she’ll sit there stressing and considering it for hours.

won’t think for herself but still manages to be a major fake. only tells u what you want to hear, excessively sweet, will not be the one to deliver bad news ever hell nope she’s paying someone to do that for her. 

v cliquey n judgemental. her inner circle is literally just other pretty rich girls. 

loves the whole situation she was born into n has no shame. milks it. does the most. will throw a tantrum when she doesn’t get what she wants. entitled brat !

idk how but she’s the most catholic person you’ll ever meet ? the pope is jealous.

models bc she knows can do whatever the hell she wants without trying ig. just likes the applause.

angela (angel) rosado, 24, panromantic, pansexual, loves girls, Is Beautiful .

yea rosado as in the resort aha... nbd ... was adopted by the rich old rosados when she was 10 n has lived the good life ever since but before that . it was p ugly.

she was literally left on her neighbour’s doorstep when her parents got evicted from their home when angel was 6 months old ? they took her in but ! they struggled ! so a year later when angel’s mother was pregnant again n sorted herself out for a min n came back to claim her so they could be a family or w/e, the people who had been caring for her were obviously like um we rlly should not trust this bich with a baby but we’re abt to be kicked out ourselves so ... they basically forced this image of angel n her mother n the next baby livin happily ever n let her go.

her mother had another girl n angel loved her even tho she was tiny herself... she was (and still is dw her sister is thriving still) crazy abt this baby. she rlly could not love her sister more. their mother wasn’t clean for long, but their father was much worse. when he died 2 yrs later, she quickly worsened too. she was ill n not fit to parent at all but the girls lived with it for 4 yrs before they were taken away. they were told their mother passed away a few months later but neither ever looked into it.

it did not get any better ? in foster care they were bullied ... so bad. they would sneak off everyday to avoid it n then they got in trouble from their carers for doin that like ig you can’t win ! so they were gonna split the sisters up n angel was so ,,, dependent on her lil sister (n got teased for this bc her sister was literally tuckin her in and singing her to sleep every night as if she was the baby) n was not feelin too good about the situation my dudes !

anyways they snuck off to the library soon after n ig hit up The Google for a solution ? n they accidentally ended up reading some story on wtvr gossip site abt these hotel tycoons adopting for the fifth time. angel’s sister.. literally found rosado resorts’ business email . ASKED THEM TO COME ADOPT HER N ANGEL TOGETHER N TAKE THEM AWAY TO LONDON...

n it worked ? luv a (kinda) happy ending

obviously becoming part of a big, rich, sober family in a different country was weird n difficult once the excitement wore off but they made it work. her sister fit in better than her n their parents saw that ? n they noticed she was p much living off of her sister entirely ... but they were v good abt it, they put a lot of time n effort n love into angel n she grew to be THE daddy’s girl of the bunch. like he was good w all of the kids but they always had their (jealous) memes abt angel being the favourite. everyone grew up n moved on, still all v supportive of eachother. angel ? still living near her parents, checkin’ in everyday, still getting everything she wants handed to her.

doesn’t even pretend she’s effectively dealt w the bad memories of her childhood, just straight up acts like she remembers nothing except for her sister singing her to sleep. remembers everything n struggles with it everyday but that’s her business apparently.

likes to let u know that she knows she’s better than u ? better than everyone ? except maybe her sister n her father. doesn’t even like her other siblings. loves them yea, but she doesn’t like them n always starts drama crying to her parents abt how they don’t like her either.

kinda just a real snob yk what i mean ? she’s lit abt her work and her like.. total of 2 friends but otherwise likes to act real unimpressed all the time. 

u would think w the shit she’s seen she would be an understanding person but nope if she doesn’t like it, she doesn’t see it.

her parents bought her .. a gym .. for her 20th bday n she opened a few more in the yrs following that and now has celebrities up on instagram posing in angelfit activewear, pretending to drink her protein shakes, u know the deal. she’s v proud of herself.

UM OK WOW its 8am i’ve been working (slowly) at this whole post for 6hrs now n i just forgot i was keeping these short but i can’t pick which details to remove so u know what ? this one stays meaty. thats it tho i think !

also peep her nameless sister in case anyones lookin for muse ideas in the future :P x

N FINALLY... natalya nikolayevna belyakova, natasha works, 27, demiromantic, demisexual, cute ! dont know if u noticed but she’s russian !

these muses just get more n more extreme as u go down the list o wow n still none of them get a coherent introduction. especially natasha bc ? ok so she was raised by dirty money but ... criminal organisations in moscow ... lets not even get into it. let’s say they were big in weaponry.

anyway ! it was just her, her brother n her father. v close. they were weird, everyone knew this. she had no friends, even when she was living out of home to study. her social life was literally whatever dangerous dinner parties her father invited her to n that was it.

it was never that deep (AKA IT WASNT GROSS LIKE EVERY1 MADE IT OUT TO BE) she's literally just shy n angery pup meme. she’s the pretentious smart girl in every story ever who is like “i hate ppl... books cant stab u in the back” like ok relax who asked NERD but she rlly could not escape her family so might as well love them !

um ig her father had her mother killed when natasha was abt 8 yrs old. apparently she was havin an affair. her brother spilled the beans to her yrs later when he was mad at their father. she wanted to be horrified for a second but thought it would change nothing so there was no point. she rlly stanned her father huh ?

he dead too now rip. while natalya was away studying, every1 in their home... her brother, father, everyone workin’ there ... all ... got killed n then the house was torched quick. she knew business had been gettin uglier but this ugly ? [ mari vc ] ruined her fricken LIFE.

one of her father’s creepy old friends eventually had to let her know what happened n how everyone saw it coming or whatever like ok thanks buddy ! natasha’s rlly sad obviously ? doesn’t last long. now ... she’s mad ! now... She’s pissed.

so she’s come to blame this gang that’s heavy in london. she REALLY drops outta school, comes on over, worms her way into their major rival gang n WAITS. she’s been here . for yrs now . and is yet to do . anything ... despite being obsessed with the idea of revenge. she’s playing the long game and making sure she’s getting all the details right bc she’s like Well this is a suicide mission might as well make it count ! its sad but -.- what are u gonna do ? (rival gang subplot coming soon btw whew!)

keeps her desire for actual bloody revenge to herself bc she doesnt wanna look like she’s gonna cause trouble for anyone when she DEFINITELY IS. she only acts angry enough to have her >.> allies >.> belieb that she’s loyal.

obviously committed . obviously she needs some milk .

not a fun person ? unless u tryna die also. but she’s very put together, v professional, cultivated, charming ig when she wants to be, unfortunately adorable, v organized, um what else ? nothin. that’s that. thanks !

THIS IS SO UGLY I CANT BELIEVE I EMBARRASS MYSELF LIKE THIS BUT U KNOW WHAT ! [ CHRIS TRAEGER VC ] LITERALLY ! A MEMEY INTRO POST IS BETTER THAN NO INTRO POST ! GOOD LUCK WITH UR LIVES ! LOVE U ALL !

[topicprinter]

good evening fellow redditers!​tks in advance for reading the following tale and for any advice you may have! buckle up, its a long one (although hopefully our collective wisdom can come up with a few lesson to help others).​---​So, 2.5years ago i joined a startup active in the autonomous robotics field, focused in increasing efficiency in renewable energy maintenance and ops. Clearly, a very specific niche, completely b2b and whose clients are ultimately rather large organizations - but in a very "exciting" and "upcoming" tech space blending hardware/software, iot, etc...​The company actually began 4 years ago by a friend of mine who was solo founder, but backed by a public-private investment firm that only funds renewable-related startups - (apparently this made valuation go from 0 to 1M kind of "magically", before any prototype or really, any actual product work was started. clap-clap?).​As the entrepeneur in this case had a science background (i myself am a business major and have worked in different countries, for organizations of different sizes, and had my own business in the past) we actually spoke at length during the process he went through setting up the business, getting his first coupe engineers, and actually having an MVP. When he needed to create a board of directors, he asked me to join, as his "delegated" director (4 members, founder has casting vote).​At that moment, the company started getting its first enquiries from potential clients, and since they could finally afford paying a salary, i was invited to "officially" join the pre-client, pre-revenue startup as their "COO" (LOL, i know! :D wtf does that mean anyway!?).​The actual job was to ensure all the daily operations of the business run smoothly. This meant creating and maintaining systems from acc/fin to HR admin/hiring to marketing to ops, and I even helped in the tech/IT admin side as I find that calming! :) I thought "hell, why not? these guys may actually be on to something but they clearly dont know a lot abt running a business, and i know i can help" - so i said yes, even though pay was shit (literally minimum wage!!!) and NO EQUITY WAS OFFERED AT THE TIME (the usual "lets talk about it latter" scenario... i think you may know where this is going now! :D)​After i joined the company (sept 2016), we won a few awards and grants, from applications/submissions i wrote (and stellar pitches given by the founder/ceo!!), got our first client (i went to a different continent to deliver the 20k usd kit to equip the client's robots and link up to our software, then did it again last xmas when his operation doubled in size) and hired a few more engineers. Tech wise, we're still using 2 year old version in "production" - suffice to say shit runs on ubuntu 14!!! theres only 3 engineers fulltime, all above average, but only 1 (!!!) is actually a computer scientist, the other are engineers who code... but the product does work, we've served over 1000 "units" of it, and feedback from industry has been pretty great (although its clearly still seen as a "nice to have" and not a "must have" kind of solution)​Fast forward to 2019 and the company is kind of stuttering even though we had our best year last year in revenue (100k,,, :/) and have actually signed up two new clients in Q1 - but the industry is moving fast, our CEO spent most of last year depressing about a failed fundraising round, then on a "startup accelerator" program abroad to "recover his mojo",,, and finally the competition has MUUUUCH deeper pockets (couple of companies,, have raised dozens of millions from vc and work with some of the same enterprise clients we have). Basically he spends most of his time selling, as he should, but unfortunately most of it is spent selling chunks of his company, rather than his companies products/services. In the meantime, I've actually been crazy busy building his business, haven't taken a proper holiday since I joined (literally, 4 days off in 2.5 years!!) and never felt this close to burnout (but im a horse,,, and can handle it "well"-ish. just gimme my caffeine!)​"Fortunately", there finally seems to be a new investor in the picture, and a binding TS has been signed for a 1M round at aprox 4M valuation. (YAY??). Now here's where the fun stars,, right? Well, in truth, the 4x members of the core team, myself included (but excluding the CEO and current 66% (!!) owner) have been feeling increasingly uneasy with the "overworked and underpaid, but too busy to talk about equity" routine and have started to care less and less - at least, i see clear signs of this in the team. I've brought it up with the CEO and he seems to think that its "my opinion" and that "the team is fine"... so, after much talking and little doing over the years (everyone is always "so busy",,,,) CEO finally found sometime to prepare a 7 slide presentation that concluded with a table that was borderline funny, if it wasn't so tragic!!​He listed our 4 names in the columns (myself, and the 3 engineers, which he now deems the "core employees", and the rows were: "percentage of my equity", "money value of that equity" and "cash bonus". The percentages was around 4% each,, then he had the nerve of multiplying that by the valuation of the upcoming round (!!!) and presenting us a dollar value in the hundreds of thousands... the cash bonus row on the other hand read "8 thousand". The "cherry" on the cake? 50% of the shares on offer were actual shares, from his stash... the other 50% were actually to come out from a "to-be-created-eventually" esop, WITH TWO YEAR VESTING!! :D:D:D:D:D:D​Naturally, I left that meeting and went on a two-week "vacation" immediately.​Which brings us to the present day. I came back from holidays, all is "business as usual" he keeps saying that "end of next month" the deal should close (and paperwork signed,, making us 4 "official shareholders", and "getting a Mill in the bank", while "maintaining control" (barely,, like 50.01% counting with us 4). We are about to start another season of field operations, meaning ill be out of the office most of the time actually "bringing home the bacon", while him and the engineers keep "daydreaming" next-version-features back in the office.​Ok, now, all bitterness aside (hard, yes, but i think I can do it), i actually think this is mostly just the work of an unseasoned and naive entrepreneur, who CLEARLY, has never done, nor thought abt any of this before (before going on holiday, i told him to read "hard thing about hard things", which he actually did for once - first business book he has completed in years!!! likes to say hes a "slow reader"!!!) - and NOT the work of some evil genius visionary. The team is almost as "oblivious", none of the engineers ever heard or really understood what an esop even is!! (ye, have i mentioned we're a loooooooooong way from silicon valley here?)​Which brings me to my options:​A) "fuckit!" you know how Jared from Silicon Valley always has his resignation letter ready to hand in!?! :D well, I've been carrying one in my pocket for the two weeks I've been back. Just need to date and sign it and done! but there goes the 1%, give or take, of common stock i'd end up owning after this round. Then go start/join new projects in completely different industries, etc.. (is the ICO craze still going on!?!?! :D)​B) "take a job with the competition" Im pretty sure I can walk into a job with one the leading competitors, at the middle-management level. funny thing is that job would pay me around 5x what i take home today as "COO" :D However, that would get me back to working for "the man", which is exactly what I thought I was "escaping" from when I joined this startup! :P​C) "show him how its done!" Not being one that likes to admit defeat, I thought if there are any "checkmate" moves available to me. Here's what I came up with.. (warning: the following is VERY Machiavellian! :D) Remember how I said the whole team is pretty inexperience? well, turns out neither the company name, nor the main brand that the company uses was ever registered neither in the US, nor in the EU, only in home country. I can incorporate a delaware company using the name of his company (but that name is then "taken" for business, as a japanese company owns that trademark), then register the trademark of his company's product name (which is available also for incorporation), then buy a bunch of related domains and URLs - perhaps even file a utility patent, just for that "patent pending" stamp :P. Then I could either turn around to his company's competition and offer this corporation (effectively blocking his entry into US market without a major rebranding/marketing/legal costs) or offer it back to his company - for the 10% total ownership he should have offered me in the first place!! (im cheap, i know! ;)​D) ... you tell me... how do i keep my dignity, not to mention my motivation, to stick with this prototype of a company when clearly, the owner is looking for employees and staff,,, not co-owners and partners?​et pour la piece du resistance*,*​the CEO and I are high school friends, have been in each others lives for decades, and very much enjoy each other's company outside the professional setting. I actually "miss" just hanging out, as you can imagine this whole mess has put quite the strain of the friendship. There's a saying in a funny language,, that translates to smtg like "you can lose the friend, but you can't miss the joke". Ideally, I'd like to keep the friend, but the joke DEFINITELY won't be on me...​ok,, you did it! thanks for reaching ::: THE END ::: go get a cookie before you get busy replying! you deserve it!! :DHave a great weekend!---TL,DR? hmmm founder of startup i helped build to 100k revenue over last 2.5 years offered me less than 1/5 of the amount ive put in sweat,, a.k.a abt 0.5% at NEXTs rounds valuation