#for years YEARS i have kept myself far away from concert related content (as much i could ofc whenever there were announcements)

[xiaojaan]

the fact that im seeing Louis in THREE days still hasn't sunk in yet

[parrishh]

Dig a little deeper

tagged by @gcralts​ thank u libby ily

i’m putting this under the cut because it’s long!

1. do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen? blue!

2. would you prefer to live in the country or in the city? oh i’m definitely a city gal (to be totally honest, i’m actually a suburban homebody, but i couldn’t live in the country)

3. if you could learn a new skill, what would it be? i have owned a guitar for...five years? and have never learned how to play it so that would be good

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? tea sometimes, coffee always

5. what was your favorite book as a child? oh gosh i had so many...ella enchanted by gail carson levine (still my favorite book), the children of noisy village by astrid lindgren (but in polish, the english version is missing too much of the story), & stargirl by jerry spinelli come to mind first

6. do you prefer baths or showers? showers, definitely

7. if you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be? i just want to be a witch/wizard, that’s all

8. paper or electronic books? oh, god, paper, no question

9. what is your favorite item of clothing? i have this oversized forest green sweatshirt from the park my family goes camping in every year and it’s my favorite thing ever

10. do you like your name? would you like to change it? i...really don’t love it, but i don’t think i would change it at this point in my life

11. who is a mentor to you? i mean, to take this question very literally, since i was a new teacher this past year i was assigned a mentor teacher at the school i work at and she’s so wonderful! i text her with so many questions all of the time and she never loses patience with me

12. would you like to be famous? if so, what for? it’s my dream to publish a book one day and of course i’d want it to do well, so, yes, i’d like to be famous for that

13. are you a restless sleeper? i mean, kind of? i’m a light sleeper but i don’t think i move around that much in my sleep

14. do you consider yourself to be a romantic person? very much so, yes

15. which element best represents you? earth earth earth

16. who do you want to be closer to? this is probably not what this question is asking for but i wish my good friends on here lived closer to me (or at least on the same continent) so i could see them irl

17. do you miss someone at the moment? of course! covid has kept me away from so many of my loved ones

18. tell us about an early childhood memory. i remember standing in my grandparents’ living room back in poland when i was probably around two. my grandma gave me a bag of clothespins and i was throwing them out the window for my grandpa to catch and i thought it was so fun! they’ve both passed since then so it’s a memory i cherish

19. what is the strangest thing you have eaten? i ate an entire post-it note once? just because someone told me i wouldn’t

20. what are you most thankful for? i was in a dark place in my life for...a long time, so i’m incredibly grateful for the wonderful people i have in my life now who help keep me away from that place

21. do you like spicy food? yes but my tolerance isn’t as high as i’d like to think it is

22. have you ever met someone famous? literally the most random people. wesley stromberg from emblem3, kaylin white from kaylin and miles, & alli simpson (???) come to mind. also, one time, at a concert in, like, 2013, i met a bunch of youtube beauty gurus i used to watch back then. i don’t even remember who they all were, but one of them was claudia sulewski and i still adore her. i’ve met the members of my favorite band (the maine) multiple times, as well as cameron leahy from the downtown fiction (that was many, many years ago) and the members of the griswolds. ooh, and i met the 1975 at an album signing! 

23. do you keep a diary or journal? i used to! i had one of those “one line a day” journals and i wrote in it every day for five years, but i finished it last year and since then i haven’t journaled at all

24. do you prefer to use pen or pencil? pen

25. what is your star sign? taurus

26. do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy? um, soggy cereal can stay far away from me

27. what would you want your legacy to be? i just want to inspire my students and my future children, if i have any, to make the world a more equitable place

28. do you like reading? what was the last book you read? do i ever! i just finished crooked kingdom by leigh bardugo

29. how do you show someone you love them? if i love someone, i want to share pieces of my life with them, so i’ll reach out about things i’ve read or watched or thought about with them on a regular basis! also, when it comes to being in person, i’m very touchy-feely with people i love

30. do you like ice in your drinks? sure, but it’s not a must for me

31. what are you afraid of? something happening to my younger brother (i have nightmares about it all the time, for no good reason), never finding someone i want to spend my life with, finding out that people i care about are only pretending to like me

32. what is your favorite scent? everyone always comes for me for this but warm milk

33. do you address older people by their name or surname? surname, i guess, but i just try to avoid addressing them by name if i’m unsure lol

34. if money was not a factor, how would you live your life? jeez, i don’t know...i’d travel! a lot!

35. do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean? pools! now if you asked me pools vs. lakes, that would be a different story

36. what would you do if you found $50 in the ground? i’d probably just keep it but it depends on the likelihood of determining where it came from

37. have you ever seen a shooting star? did you make a wish? yes and probably

38. what is one thing you would want to teach your children? how not to be an asshole

39. if you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? i already have two! i do want more, though! the next one i have planned is something related to my favorite band (the maine), and i want it on my ribs

40. what can you hear now? air conditioning, and someone rummaging through a bag in the kitchen

41. where do you feel the safest? i’m not sure, but the first thought that came into my head was in the backseat of the car, at night, while my dad is driving

42. what is one thing you want to overcome/conquer? i’ve been telling myself that i should go see a therapist for the past, i don’t know, ten years, so i want to actually overcome my fear of taking that leap and just go

43. if you could travel back to any era, what would it be? i’m as content as i can be in this era, things used to be even more messed up than they are now. if i had to time travel, i suppose i’d like to experience being a young adult in the 70′s or 80′s (the music scene UGH)

44. what is your most used emoji? 😊 or 🙃 or 🥺

45. describe yourself using one word. persevering

46. what do you regret the most? something i’m not ready to share

47. last movie you saw? the hate u give! 

48. last tv show you watched? love, victor!!!!! it was so good!!!!!!

49. invent a word and its meaning i’m lame but i literally can’t think of anything

tagging: @hathawaywrites @gcndalf @remusjlvpins @phantomness @louvegoods @kazbrekkerrs (only if you want to, no pressure!)

[clockworkswans]

thoughts on mots:7?? *eyes emoji*

aaaaaaah it feels like SO LONG since we’ve had music, even though we get so much content!  i feel so spoilt lmao.

think i’m gonna skip the tracks from persona, they’re all legends but i’ll end up making this ten pages long otherwise!

under the cut cause it’s looooooong, oops.

interlude shadow - this had some serious challenge coming after its god-tier predecessor, seesaw, ngl, but WOW. yoongi’s solo songs have such a unique style despite being different genres/moods and his lyrics are always what i especially look forward to diving into and shadow was no different! a lot of people say this too but the autotune works SO WELL for him and the way he plays with the rhythms in shadow is amazing. and that last section?? EXPLOSIVE. that’s gonna slay on tour oh my god.

black swan - i wish i’d made notes when it first came out but it took me a while to get used to this sound because it was so interesting and haunting. the topics in this song are so relatable and frightening tbh, it’s something i feel a lot recently, that fear of losing passion for your hobbies and job, etc, and surrendering to the darker emotions of giving up on those dreams (wow, dark, CHILL). after seeing the first performance of it as well!! omg!! some of their absolute BEST choreo yet, easily.

filter - mr. park. JIMIN. I was not prepared for this song and it’s so sexy and smooth and i want to scream thinking about choreo for this on tour, wtf man. this song was my jam right away!! the latin vibes!! rumba/salsa in a club at 2am vibes!! also idk if this is misreading the lyrics but i love the lowkey dark/seductive undertone of making anyone fall in love with you/celeb perception, etc. (probably reading way too much into it lol but still, loved the lyrics). But yes, WOW. Can he let me choreo pls?? i want him to have a CHAIR and a suit and tie and to absolutely destrOY us.

my time - before i go into this, i wanna say how much i loved the vocal line doing completely different stuff and defying all my expectations. the mood of this song is so unique and the slow rhythm with his just…absolutely gorgeous emotive voice makes it so refreshing. Also!! something i found really cool is jungkook doing stuff that’s more complex in emotion and a bit sadder/darker? he’s always had the happy golden perfect boyTM vibe and that’s cute af but also this song lets him be a bit confusing and mature and lost for once. This song hit me quite personally too because the lyrics about time and distance hit close to home as i have friends and loved ones moving out of my life and i just wanna feel not so stuck. I can’t WAIT to see what kind of staging he’ll do for this?? it could be anything lol, i really can’t guess.

louder than bombs - legit EVERYTHING i wanted from a troye/bts collaboration project oh my god. The music and build-up for this song is so bittersweet and haunting, the VOCALS oh my god?? truly stole my breath, wow. the rap line verses had some seriously hard-hitting lyrics too, the lower ranges of namjoon and yoongi made my heart STOP. (something i’ve always loved with bts is the way they play with flow through members taking different parts, which sounds so obvious lol, it’s what you do with a group, but i always love the way bts uses their members’ tones/styles to create a great mix in a song). I feel like this song truly sets up the recurring theme of acknowledging and embracing the good and bad, the wholeness of it is really vulnerable and - pun intended - explosive! it reminds me of the ‘sing louder to drown out the pain’ kind of mindset. sometimes you just gotta sing louder and sadder and ache.

ON - i actually don’t have much to say on this one because it’s just SO BTS and perfect for a title track and will absolutely GO OFF live. also the choreo is hard as hell lmao GOOD LUCK PEOPLE TRYING TO LEARN IT. also i’m gonna say it alongside everyone else but…JUNGKOOK’S HOLY BRIDGE!!!!!!!!!!!

Ugh! - *aroused and scared.* this beat!!!! slaps!!! rapline songs can never fail tbh, also….i think i already love this more than outro: tear and we haven’t even had a performance lol. I don’t have any coherent thoughts to add other than HOLYYY SHIIIIT. This will be so fierce live??? i’m gonna get whiplash headbanging probably. also…can they PLEASE do choreo for that last bit??? please. please.

zero o’clock - lol some songs just make you ugly sob and then you read the lyrics and ABSOLUTELY SOB. this little asshole right here came for my entire heart. it’s pretty spot on for how i feel right now: just get through the day and wait for the next and try and be a bit happier. the bittersweet, hopeful tone is so lovely and really touching. it’s heartbreaking ngl, but in a healing, therapeutic way. it’s so soft and mellow without being too air-y which is pretty hard to get right tbh.

inner child - my favourite vocal line solo!!! i’m always so in love with taehyung’s solo songs tbh, his voice and songs are always my cup of tea, thank you for being a true hopeless romantic sir. this song is SO end-of-indie-movie and i’m completely hooked on it already, i walk to work and keep looping it and it makes me smile and tear up just thinking about hearing it live already. I love how it’s a love letter to his younger self, comforting, sad and so full of heart and acceptance. We all find it hard to look back but to have a song that says it’s okay to be proud of every version of yourself and your growth is AMAZING. i haven’t stopped thinking of the ‘we gonna change’ and i’ll give you my world’ lines. truly magical.

friends - shut up this is the SWEETEST SONG EVER. so my best friend is finally moving away from the hometown we’ve shared for 11 years and i am very vulnerable about it right now, so this coming out when it did?? a bit of an attack lol. but it really made me smile and be SO GRATEFUL to her, and to everyone else in my life and the bonds i have around me. jimin and tae’s friendship is the sweetest thing and to have them release a platonic love song??? to sing on tour together?? after growing up and becoming legends together? wow. talk about bff goals. the adorable details in the lyrics make it so personal and genuine, and the crowd-chanting bits in the chorus are gonna sound awesome live. also not to get sappy and cheesy but this also makes me think of all the friends people have made in this fandom and community and how we’re all enjoying this awesome thing together? love that, man.

moon - THAT’S THE LOML, KIM SEOKJIN, SLAYING AGAIN. awake and epiphany were both so epic and emotional in the traditional ballad genre, so hearing this was just?? SO COOL. it’s so happy and sweet and shows off his high range effortlessly. this has such an addictive melody, i kept humming it at work today and driving myself nuts lmao. it makes me think of summer days and hanging out with friends or on your own in the sun, reading. i also love how he expanded on ‘beauty’ as it’s always a word thrown at him lol, but he made it so innocent and lovely, like idk if he’s fed up of everyone yelling handsome at him and embarrassing him lmao but it was so wholesome of him to then turn around and make a song about appreciating subtle beauty and the bonds between army and bts (god i’m LAME, blame this album).

respect - this song’s such a VIBE. love the founders of bts doing a song together, god, just bros being bros and jamming together?? WE LOVE TO SEE IT. I didn’t realise how much i’d love this duo together but it’s so natural and you can see how much they love writing and working together. the lyrics are so fun and snarky and the throwback old-school bts vibe is PERFECT. it’s that clever thing they do of re-visiting older works and combining it with your present self to make something familiar yet different. so so cool.

we are bulletproof: eternal - omg so the first line of this i started laughing so hard because i was SO SURE it would be a Concert Jam™. then i sobered up pretty quickly and cue the tears and emotions lmao. This song gives me heartbeat/sea/mikrokosmos energy, it falls in that ‘epic emotional singalong’ genre they do beautifully. you bet your ass i’m gonna be bawling at this on the tour. i lost it crying in that last bridge when they say ‘why are you still walking with us’, it just hit me that wow, i’ve been a part of this journey and tbh, it’s gonna stay with me for life. the emotions packed into this song are overwhelming af whilst still being a celebration of the 7 years bts have been together, and the individual achievements too, of them and also armys? idk it feels very collective ‘us’ vibe and it’s beautiful. 

outro: ego - READY, SET AND BEGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MAP OF THE SOUL MAP OF THE AAAAAAAAAAAL THAT’S MY EGOOOOOOOOOO. Oh my god, this song just slays everything tbh. When it came out i could not stop repeating it for the entire week and i’m still so in love with it. By far one of my favourite solos of the album! it’s so colourful, clever and A DANCE BOP. It’s everything about why i bias jhope and his style is freaking awesome. 

okay wow, all done!!!!!

[the-hope-in-my-galaxy]

My BTS WINGS Tour in Chicago Fan Account

THIS IS A LOT. Like 4 whole pages in google docs 😬. Don't feel obligated to read the whole thing just because you follow me. If you have any questions to ask me feel free to message me :-)

OK first things first shout out to the uber guy who was blasting a kpop spotify playlist when he pulled up to get me lmao

He told me he personally wasn't into it but that he had been driving people to the venue since like 11:00 AM and he already saw people lining up so i was like 💀

I got to the venue by 6:30PM and had to wait like 5 minutes to get in

OK…..so I ended up getting an ARMY bomb ewhvfqghrlhotw

And….here’s the kicker……….it was $60 🙃🙃🙃

It was impulsive af but i had the money and i was so afraid i wouldn't get anything else because shiz was selling out fast so i panicked 😬

I waited in this long ass line because i knew I had to get some kind of souvenir but by the time i got to the front the ARMY bombs were the only things left

And you know what's hilarious? i ended up not even using the ARMY bomb because after waiting in the second line i didn't even have enough time to charge it 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃

So i was just like Fuck It and bolted to my seat which was 2nd tier

Even though my seat wasn't close to the guys...it didn't feel too far away? The venue is really nice tbh like i was of reasonable distance and could see everything fine.

My seat was at the end of a row in the middle seats so i didn't feel squished which is a HUGE bonus cuz that was my main concern so overall I think my seat was pretty good.

Before i talk my head off about the performances i want to give a big shout out to the people who filmed, did artwork and put together the VCR’s throughout the concert. Everything was so beautiful and fit the themes and songs well.

After the first VCR, which was arguably an art film, these guys came out with Not Today and y’all….

It wAS SO HYPE

That was honestly when i realized that this was...Actually Happening.

Like these guys i care about so much were performing right in front of me

I screamed so damn loud lmaooo

After Not Today they did their introductions and they were all SO CUTE ☺️

Ofc Hobi did his iconic “I’m your Hope!” and my heart fell out of my ass LMAO

Yoongi was so freakin Extra™ he took his damn ear buds out and made that cocky hand gesture where he closed his eyes and put his palm to the back of his ear to get everyone to scream for him I CAN’T with him 😒

But.. i still screamed as loud as i could 😏

I screamed for all the members everyone did

After their cute introductions and small talk they continued on with the concert where they performed Am I Wrong (an under appreciated tune), Baepsae (LIT 👅👅👅 they all looked so hot) and the Dope which i hadn't listened to in a while so i felt nostalgic jamming to it.

And then we got to the solo stages...

Jungkook is such a talented kid tbh. Like i joke about him a lot in my tags but he looked so cool performing Begin. His footwork was something else 👌🏾

After him was Jimin with Lie and HE HAD HIS TIDDIES OUT (I’m calling his mama lmao). But no it was just a reallllllly low cut shirt like 👀 I see you chimchim. The performance was literally art in motion for me with the choreography and background VCR, and the song itself is just a masterpiece, my fave solo after MAMA. Jimin is so captivating to watch.

After him was Yoongi with First Love and it was so beautiful and passionate. The background VCR had really well done art and complimented the beauty of the song. Yoongi has such a cool energy to him, very confident and unafraid. I really appreciate what he had to offer.

And look... I already knew Yoongi was a good looking dude but like…Idk what happened but this concert made me realize how beautiful he really is??? Hobi is my bae you guys know that but Yoongi had me swerving a couple of times jesus 👀

After that they came back together as a group perform Lost (vocal line only, and another under appreciated bop) Save Me (my favorite group performance, when Hobi’s part came on I screamed and then loudly repeated the only english line he had in his verse,”The best of me!”) and then I Need U (a classic)

After that was Namjoon who performed Reflection which was very mellow. It is a very vulnerable song that encompasses emotions I think anyone can relate to. I am glad he could openly share those feelings in a song. When he go to the part where he repeats the “I wish I could love myself” line we were all chanting WE LOVE YOU like the fans at Brazil and Newark. It was so sweet ☺️

After him was Taehyung with Stigma and HE DID THAT. Tae really gave his all during that performance. I still worry over his vocal technique tho cuz he is a natural baritone and that solo had a lot of high notes. But he was so immersed in his song and it was so soulful like 😭 I’m super proud of him.

And after him...MY MAN CAME OUT 😰 😰 😰  

Y’all i was NOT ready Hobi KILLED IT. Mama is such a bop but the meaning behind it is so gorgeous this boy really does love his mom. He danced, rapped and during the ending chorus he had his lil singing adlibs and I was just felt so content and happy seeing him perform with all his energy. He really is our Hope 😭😭😭😭

And during Hobi’s solo they showed soooo many baby pictures 😱 they showed pictures of him I never seen before including awkward pre teen photos of him posing like a superhero and I LOVED THAT cuz we all have those super awk photos we took when we were 12 thinking we looked badass and then we see them now and we’re like 🙄 so I’m really glad he was confident enough to show that he’s just as human as everyone else. And then...

JIN’S SOLO MADE ME CRY 😖

ALRIGHT so here’s the deal…

Hobi is my Official Bias™ and Yoongi is my now confirmed Bias Wrecker™ but…

Jin is…idk I can’t explain it but he has such a special place in my heart. He gets overlooked a lot and in his solo song Awake he sings about this. Feeling like he is sometimes not a part of his own group and I’ve felt that way before so many times. Hell all my life even. When he was singing his solo I honest to god teared up like he’s just such a great guy with a great sense of humor who works so hard in everything he does. I sang most of the song and I screamed so loud for him, everyone did. I just hope he felt loved that night ❤️

Jeez i teared up just writing that…

And then….after that was the cypher 💀💀💀

EVERYONE was hyped, rap line went off, it was around this time were my voice was starting to hurt ����

After that was Fire, another hype song

And then it was a huge mashup of their debut/rookie years title songs. It made me realize how far they’ve all came when it comes to music.

Diring that they performed Run which is the era i really started to stan them. It brought back some more nostalgia, mainly back to when the fandom life didn't feel so damn dramatic 25/8 😒

After that was when the started to talk with us again. They talked about how they spent their time in Chicago and how happy they felt to be there.

HOBI WENT TO THE CHICAGO AQUARIUM AND GOT THIS CUTE SHARK HAT AND HE WAS SHOWING IT OFF LIKE IT WAS A TROPHY IT WAS SO CUTE!!!!!!

Namjoon said he went to look at Lake Michigan and the Michigander in me was like 😵😵😵

Like yes boys come to Michigan sometime! Swim across the lake lmao 😭

Namjoon also said that if he had to chose any US city to live in it would be Chicago which i thought was super cute and everyone around me was going nuts. I like Chicago a lot too and i hadn't been there in such a long time so it was good to come back for the concert. Hopefully I can stay longer next time

Also! The Chicago Armys did the rainbow project as well!!! It was so pretty. The organizers did such a great job. I remember when American Armys were first talking about making a project with the light sticks but people (including other American fans) were sort of putting them down because they thought we should leave making good fan projects to the Korean Armys which made me go??? But you guys really pulled it off!!!! Im proud of y’all.

The boys looked shocked that the American fans did it again because they had already did the same project at the Newark concerts, they all looked so happy and commented on it and how grateful they were.

After that they performed their more recent songs off the WINGS album including 2! 3! Hope For Better Days which had a beautiful montage of all the members from debut era. I know i keep saying this but it was obviously nostalgic

The also performed the WINGS Intro which I LOVE and wish it were made to a full song but for the concert they made it longer than usual so the boys could goof off and interact with fans and the stuffed animals the fans tossed at them. Jungkook wore these cute bunny ears  ☺️ ☺️ ☺️ super cute. They all looked like they were having a blast with the fans at the floor seats. That was the only time I felt jealous of not getting a floor seat. There’s always next time tho!

The last songs they performed were Boy Meets Evil(Hobi’s other solo that was the album intro, and ofc he freaking killed it!!! He is such a talented dancer and i hope he goes on Hit the Stage one day so everyone, especially non-fans, can finally see how great of a dancer he is) BST(LIT!) and Spring Day(Beautiful performance, a great way to end the concert)

The boys stayed on stage for the longest time even after Spring Day ended. They all took their sweet time doing final bows and saying goodbye to the fans. They were so sweet this whole concert and always kept the crowd hyped when they could talk to us throughout the concert. I'm so thankful I saw them. I'll never forget this and I hope to see them again.

[endlessly-elizabeth]

I know it’s going to happen. I can feel it coming. Fuck, it might even be tonight.

I need somewhere that I can pour my heart out. A place that’s safe, a place without judgment. I’m hoping that’s here, and I’m hoping you don’t find this. Or maybe I want you to and that’s why I’m putting it on here, I don’t know.

Part of me really hates you, or maybe I just hate myself for letting you have such a hold on me. I don’t recall ever letting anyone make me feel so fucking low before, and I’m just mad. I am so fucking mad. I was doing better! I was working out, eating healthier, distracting myself with outings with friends, and avoiding places I thought I might run into you. I gave up trivia, I got kicked out of a friend group (although, you had nothing to do with that), and I tried to lay low. I saw you at a concert, and knowing drunk me, I tried to have a heart-to-heart with you. I remember feeling so invigorated that night-- excited by the possibility of running into you, but also being perfectly content listening to the music and celebrating the summer nights that were ahead of me.

Drunk me wanted to talk. Drunk me always wants to talk.(I can’t tell if I like that or hate that about myself). We talked about our friendship, we talked about our feelings, and we talked about your ex. Nothing got solved per say, but I felt the slightest bit of closure that night. We talked as openly as we could with our friends a couple feet away and a thousand people singing along to the melodies that engulfed us. I felt alive. I felt happy seeing you again, even if I knew it wouldn’t last. You gave me a ride and I texted you the next day asking to meet, to hopefully tie loose strings and put the situation behind us. We didn’t meet up and I was okay. I didn’t check my phone hoping to hear from you or put my life on pause. I just kept being me and hoped that, in time, I’d be able to finally put us to rest...if there even was an “us.”

But then you started talking to me in 140 character or less phrases that only I would understand. It started with a song lyric, and once I got confirmation from Google that it was the exact same song that popped to mind when I typed it into the search engine, my heart started racing. Why was he tweeting that song? Was it a coincidence? Is he really subtweeting me right now? I couldn’t stop thinking about it-- I wanted to know more. I posted a picture of me and my puppy (because, seriously, who could resist her little face), and you did exactly what I thought you would. You liked it. The tweets went silent for a day or two until you did it again. And again.

I couldn’t take the mind games. I found myself refreshing my twitter app just to see if you had gone on and left any additional messages for me, and it became an obsession. I felt so close, yet so very far from you...and I knew that it would only be a matter of time before we bridged the gap and actually ran into eachother. Luckily (or maybe unluckily?), I didn’t have to wait long at all. I heard the doorbell go off in my store and immediately walked up to see if that was a new customer, or if one had just left, and that’s when I saw it. Something big and something very blue caught my eye--your Jeep. I had to do a double-take, but I recognized the bumper sticker of the crab on the side. My heart began racing and I felt so exhilarated. Were we about to run into eachother? Was it a coincidence? I didn’t know, but every nerve ending in my body began tingling. I fluffed a couple pillows, fixed a couple floral stems, touched up the table tops and then I saw you. Handsome you, walking to your car with a Panera smoothie in hand. (At this point in time, I’m remembering how just a couple months prior, strawberry banana smoothies from Panera used to be our thing, and this was your second trip there in two days). You stalled by your car and I waved, hoping you’d see me and half-hoping that we wouldn’t cross paths. You must not have seen me because you pulled out of your parking spot and then drove slowly past the front of my store. I waved again, and I knew you saw. I started shaking and walked away from the window only to walk back 5 seconds later to see if you continued driving away. But nope, you turned around and i immediately busied myself with some remedial task as far away from the door as possible. Then I heard it. The doorbell. 

I walked up and saw you and told myself that it was now or never. After a couple second pep talk in my head, I finally said hi and asked what brought you in, even though I already knew your answer. We played cat and mouse during the last twenty minutes of my shift, smiling, flirting, asking questions, walking away, and creating a sense of wonder. Wondering what the hell was going on.

We sat outside of Panera for hours and talked, and talked, and talked. It’s almost like we couldn’t force ourselves to go in separate directions--in that moment, it was only me and you, us, and our usual vulnerable conversation. You told me everything you thought I’d want to hear-- that you missed me, that you couldn’t stop thinking about me, that you were sorry. You were sorry for talking to your ex again and for pushing me away. That you started tweeting about me as a way of reaching out without having any expectations. You told me that your feelings over the past couple of months weren’t fabricated and that they were very much real and you still had them--you told me that even though we stopped talking, you never emotionally let me go. I melted inside. I was an absolute puddle of emotion--of pure joy, relief, and happiness. I wanted to bask in that moment for as long as I could, and maybe that’s why I couldn’t tear myself away from you even though part of my mind was saying “red flag, red flag!” The real kicker is the last message you left for me. I’m getting emotional just thinking about it again... You told me that, in the weeks we hadn’t been talking, that you found it much more impossible to get over me in comparison to her. And that’s when I knew I was in trouble. All of the progress I had made just turned to shit and I was wrapped around your finger again.

We opened up so much that night, and talked about so many different things. One conversation we’ve always been able to talk about and relate to so well for eachother are our insecurities. We talked about bettering ourselves and vowed to find things that make us happy. We talked about how much we still care for one another, but I never knew what the point of that conversation was. Were we having it as a sense of closure? Were we finally putting our back and forth drama over the last three years to bed? Were we finally going to take the plunge and see if we could give a relationship a real shot? Those questions haunted me on my drive home and haunted me as I tried to fall asleep that night. Luckily, I had a roadtrip the next day to distract myself from everything.

And then we saw eachother again. And you seemed so sure of your feelings for me and displayed your affection in front of your friends, which hadn’t always been the easiest for you. I tried to come across as distant and detached, but you can read through me, just like I can read through you. I called it right then and there, saying your feelings would change and you’d be acting differently in about a week’s time. If you’re reading this, you probably know what my next words are going to be: I know you like the back of my hand. I called that shit. Within a couple days of you reaching out to me and whispering sweet nothings to me, like how you feel so blessed to be able to say you know the real me, or that you want us to help eachother through our insecurities, you dropped me like a hot potato. You became cold and distant. Was it because we talked about your ex? Because, listen here, friend... you don’t get to be mad at me about that. You literally created the situation for yourself by rotating between the two of us, so I think it’s natural that she is a sensitive subject for me. You don’t get to be mad at me for bringing that up. You made your bed, it’s time you lie in it. Did you get too wrapped up in the idea of me, rather than the actual me? Are you scared? I don’t fucking know. That’s the one thing I can never fully understand about you-- as much as I know you inside and out, I can never understand how your feelings for people you supposedly care so much for (ie, me and your ex), can be flipped like a switch. You don’t get to pick and choose when you come into someone’s life, or do it only at your own convenience. We are people. We have feelings, and you’re manipulating the situation to serve yourself. And I’m not okay with that.

You want to know what my biggest problem is? Internalizing everything. Instead of recognizing that you let your insecurities run your life and you project them onto others, I take it to all be my fault. I tell myself I must not be pretty enough, smart enough, easy going enough to keep you around. Or I constantly worry that I’ve done something to unintentionally push you away. I beat myself up over it for days and make myself feel like shit. I went for a nighttime drive tonight (you know how much I love those, especially with you), and then I just felt so sad. Sad because I don’t get the same enjoyment I once did from my drives, mainly because we have so many memories attached to them. Kind of like how you told me you can never look at your Jeep the same way again, because you know how much I love it and you’re forced to remember all of the times we shared in there. I listened to this one song that perfectly described how I’ve been feeling the past couple days and I almost lost it. Remember that time I cried in front of you outside of the bar? Except you said it was more of my soul crying than actual tears coming out of my eyes. I think I do that a lot. I think my soul has been crying for days now, and one day I’m eventually going to break down and let it all out. I just hope you’re not there to see it. I don’t want you to get the satisfaction out of seeing me so weak.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether we should call it now and just accept our defeat, knowing we can never make it work if we’ve (unofficially) tried so many times. I don’t know if I should text you and ask what happened to make you act so distant, or if I should just let it go and hope that we both find our way in life without one another. I have to admit, typing that just now broke my heart a little. I can remember life before you, but now I can’t imagine life without you. And that’s about as intimate as I’m going to get right now. I can’t take any more vulnerability and emotional pain tonight. Maybe the point of this was for you to read it--to give you a little inside access into my messy, complicated mind. Or to let my guard down a little, since you said the best word to describe me is “guarded.” (Maybe I’m just guarded around you, because I’m anxiously waiting for the next falling out). I hope your night has been better than mine, because all I feel right now is sadness and confusion, and maybe by typing this, I’ll let just enough of the darkness go to let a little bit of light back in.