#for those wondering how old my dog was when she passed. she was also 15. 15 and a half to be exact

[yaoiconnoisseur]

it's looking like our 15 year old cat is reaching the final stage of her life.. she's not eating much anymore and she's just as skinny and lethargic as my dog was the month before she died a couple of years ago.

[gabriellerudessa]

Compass (Norm Maclean x OC) - Part XXXIII

"He let out a breath and swallowed. More than when in the old LA region, he had seen the signs of people, civilization, as they walked through the road, had seen Filly, and Norm had thought he had an idea of what he was about to see in The Hub.

He had been so wrong.

Filly and his imagination didn’t even scratch the surface of what he was seeing. He had known for weeks already that Reclamation Day and everything associated was lie, but the sight in front of him just solidified it in a way that was hard to overcome.

How exactly Vault-Tec intended to deal with those, bring civilization? It wasn’t something in short supply. It wasn’t exactly peaceful or easy, he admitted, but it was civilization."

AO3 | Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI | Part VII | Part VIII | Part IX | Part X | Part XI | Part XII | Part XIII | Part XIV | Part XV | Part XVI | Part XVII | Part XVIII | Part XIX | Part XX | Part XXI (Smut) | Part XXII | Part XXIII | Part XXIV | Part XXV | Part XXVI (Smut) | Part XXVII | Part XXVIII | Part XXIX | Part XXX | Part XXXI | Part XXXII | Part XXXIV | Part XXXV | Part XXXVI (END)

PLAYLIST ON YOUTUBE

Word Count: 4.379

Warning: None I think

XXXIII

The next few days were more of a blur, filled with walking along the Long 15, crossing ruins and settlements and speeding past caravans and merchants going back and forth, with radstorm clouds moving in the horizon, generally above the road and seeming to move towards the Mojave or generally north.

There were enough settlements that they managed to spend all nights in closed doors. First they lurked and asked well-aimed questions, enough to confirm that Lucy and The Ghoul had passed through, the dog following them. They would also get news about the radstorms, which had plagued the Long 15 in the previous weeks, and it all was enough to conclude that they were being delayed by those, the answers putting them passing through “a week and a half ago”, instead of two weeks.

Marigold wondered if Andrea had made some special petition to Atom too, so the radstorms would cause enough trouble that Lucy’s travel would be delayed.

And then, after all that, they would pay for a room for the night – and Norm would trade for some flora-based ingredients. None of the rooms were as well cared as the one in the crossroads, but it was enough that they had a night of safe privacy.

It was almost weird, because while Marigold was totally down to have sex with Norm again, and those nights would be ideal for it… The reassurance that they loved each other and weren’t on a countdown anymore made her lazy in her affections, more focused on just cuddling with him and talking, discovering more about each other – she was still a little shocked that he was five years younger than her –, hearing him read for her. Some moments she messed up his hair or left small hickeys in the strip of skin not covered by his suit’s collar. Others, Norm would sink his hands under her clothes and pull her close by her waist and hips, the warmth against naked skin more comforting then arousing.

And, usually when she was almost asleep, he whispered “I love you” against her ear. It made her smile so big her cheeks hurt, kissing him and whispering the same against his lips.

---------

The third night after the crossroads they noticed their supplies of healing powder were getting low as they went to verify Norm’s leg. They both sighed, all thoughts of a lazy night away as Norm started piling up Broc flowers and Xander roots, collected and traded alike, and she took her bowls.

Norm started on the Broc flowers in one bowl, while she minced the Xander roots in the other, humming, missing the radio from the crossroads. Their thighs kept in contact as they worked, but it was overall silent and comfortable.

“Hey, love, can you get my canteen, please?” Norm’s hand was extended, the other still using the fork’s handle to macerate the flowers.

Marigold automatically stretched to reach his sidebag, and just as she caught the canteen her brain processed the “love”, and she stopped, blinking, warmth rising along her neck, heart stuttering for one moment.

Love. Sure, he had been saying he did love her, but that absentminded reminder was sweet.

Norm’s head was turning to her when Marigold unfroze, kissing his lips firmly, her smile so big she felt ridiculous, carefully landing the canteen in his hand.

“Here it is, my beloved.” She whispered against him.

Norm blinked at her, cheeks suddenly so red she got worried for one moment.

“Another pet name?”

“Fair trade, you just called me ‘love’.” She grinned and somehow he got redder. Cute.

“Really?”

She nodded, pecking his lips.

“Oh.” His mouth opened and closed and opened again. “Why ‘my’? Not complaining, but I thought I was the jealous one.” Norm managed a grin, some playful sarcasm in his voice.

Marigold’s grin melted into a smaller smile, free hand cupping his cheek. It wasn’t something she really thought through, but after some seconds she had some answer..

“Can’t say with certainty. I guess it’s because you’re mine to protect, keep alive, love.” She shrugged slowly.

He smiled back, gentle, and kissed her, long, firm and sweet, before returning to making the healing powder. She would never tire of those.

---------

During the afternoon of the fifth day after leaving the crossroads, they saw the first signs of the city: farms that started dotting the sides of the road with armed guards, the Long 15 slowly becoming more crowded, the merchants and caravans unable to walk as fast as before. And then they reached The Hub proper, and Norm blinked, eyes going back and forth on the old pre-war buildings and newer ones, made of metal and concrete and wood and looking beat up by the weather. Ratty flags flew in the wind and the entrance was bustling with activity, people, ghouls and Brahmins walking around, trying to get into the city.

He let out a breath and swallowed. More than when in the old LA region, he had seen the signs of people, civilization, as they walked through the road, had seen Filly, and Norm had thought he had an idea of what he was about to see in The Hub.

He had been so wrong.

Filly and his imagination didn’t even scratch the surface of what he was seeing. He had known for weeks already that Reclamation Day and everything associated was lie, but the sight in front of him just solidified it in a way that was hard to overcome.

How exactly Vault-Tec intended to deal with those, bring civilization? It wasn’t something in short supply. It wasn’t exactly peaceful or easy, he admitted, but it was civilization.

“That’s how Shady Sands was?”

“I… I really don’t know, Norm-boy. Never visited it before it was blown out.” Marigold answered quietly, and he squeezed her hand.

“When Andrea described… I didn’t imagine it like this.”

“Yeah… She definitely fails in making it sound as busy. Did she tell anything more specific about here, beyond ‘busy and don’t get lost’?”

“Actually, yes. A place called Salty Men, where we can pass the night.” He squeezed her hand again and looked up at Marigold. There was faint recognition in her face, but nothing deep. “It’s also on the Long 15, on the other side of the city from what Andrea said, so maybe it’s a good bet to ask about Lucy there too.”

“Then let’s go.”

---------

Their progress through the road was slow, the sun dipping in the sky, but they managed to keep to the Long 15, her size and posture making common people open the path, the armed guards ambling about nodding at her with something akin to respect, even if they kept a wary eye on them. Even in such a busy place few people were as tall or muscled, at least from what they saw.

Norm pulled on her hand and pointed to a concrete and wood building to the side, tall and well-put together, a well-made metal plaque above the door with something written that she didn’t bother with trying to read. People went in and left the place, most looking like traders of some type.

“There, Salty Men.” They started towards the building, steps fast. “The owners are Gustav and Nicholas. Andrea said they’re trustful.”

“Oh, those names I remember. Ed always complains that playing caravan against either of them is a nightmare.”

“Caravan?”

“A card game. Ed tried to teach me a bunch of times but I never really got it.” She shrugged and then Norm was pushing the door open.

The saloon was big and open, tables with chairs spread around the sides and leaving the middle free, a long bar counter in the back with stairs leading up beside it. To the left wall, a wooden target that a group of people took turns throwing darts and shooting with a BB-Gun and a cross-bow. Against the right wall, a small platform. A small three-people band was above it, a woman singing and playing a guitar, another sitting at an old piano, and a man on a small set of drums, their music jaunty, lively, even if a bit out of tune.

The place was bustling with people, sitting down at the tables and counter with bottles and glasses, playing cards, dancing in the middle of the floor. She also noticed that some of the men and women were probably the local whores, prowling amidst the dancing people.

Marigold felt a bittersweet pang. The bar in Filly usually had someone singing and playing the guitar – it was the easiest instrument to fabricate and learn in the Wasteland, followed by flutes –, it could get just as busy, and it was where the whores most liked to prowl. She wondered if the Brotherhood intended to end with it. She hoped not.

A look at Norm showed he was grinning and shaking his head slightly.

“What?”

“The parties in the Vault were never this lively.”

Marigold laughed and squeezed his hand, guiding their path towards the counter without getting into the middle of dancing people – even if her feet itched to get into it, the rhythm easy to follow –, sidestepping the group around the target.

“And this isn’t even a party, Norm-boy.” She managed, even as an idea popped on her mind as they passed the group arguing results and the target full of holes.

He laughed too, and then they were leaning against the counter, Norm pulling himself on one of the benches. She threw a last look at the target.

A man with a stained apron and an easy, gap-toothed smile, immediately approached.

“What you’ll have?”

“Clean water, two bottles.” She immediately said; she still regretted the time she had lost that night in the crossroads because she wasn’t twenty anymore and alcohol made her sleepy fast.

Besides, she wanted to be in total control of herself if her idea worked.

“On it. Anything else? My dad makes some mean molerat meatballs with tato sauce.”

Ooooh, that sounded good.

“That too, for two.” Norm answered for them, squeezing her hand. He clearly had gotten good at reading her face. “And talk with Nicholas and Gustav, if possible?”

“I��m Nicholas, Gustav���s my father. Who’s asking?”

“Marigold Bear and Norm Maclean.”

Nicholas snapped his fingers and pointed at her before Norm said anything else.

“One of Ed’s sisters. The frightening one. You fit the description.” Frightening? What Ed had been telling his friends? “One second. Daniel!” He called into the floor, and one of the waiters approached. “Ed’s usual room is free?”

“The Ed husband to Andrea and Willow, that Ed?” Nicholas nodded and Daniel looked at her and Norm. “Yes. I’ll get it ready.”

“Thanks.” Nicholas smiled at them, rubbing his hands. “Anyway, what do you need to talk about?”

Norm sighed and set his shoulders.

“We’re following my sister’s trail. Just need to confirm she passed through here and continued along the Long 15. Andrea said you’re trustful.”

“Andrea has the sweetest tongue. That’s easy enough. What’s your sister’s name, appearance…?”

“Lucy Maclean, long dark hair, around this height. Last we know she was travelling with The Ghoul and-”

“- and a dog called Dogmeat.” That was new information, everyone else had only said “dog”. “They slept here, just a week ago. Had to leave later in the day because of a radstorm, the two of you are lucky they’re moving away. Your sister seemed very taken and surprised with the city and was very nice to the whores.”

Norm sighed and Marigold recognized it as relief. She squeezed his hand and kissed his hair.

“Many thanks, Nicholas.”

Daniel approached and handed her a key before Nicholas could say anything, a wooden keychain with the number.

“The room is ready.”

“Thanks. Hey, Norm-boy, why don’t you settle our tab while I take our things upstairs?” He nodded and she took his bags, a kiss on his temple. He whispered the number on the key for her before she walked away.

---------

Nicholas used the moment to scream in the kitchen about their food and get two bottles of water before returning.

“I was pretty sure Ed said that Marigold was one of the single sisters.” He commented as Norm counted the caps for everything – water, food, room.

“It’s very recent.” He answered, dropping the amount in Nicholas extended hand.

The money disappeared and then Nicholas was grinning and waggling his eyebrows suggestively; it was enough for Norm to feel warmth rising through his neck. For God’s sake.

“Atta boy. Your game must be strong, Ed always made her sound fucking terrifying, carrying radstag carcasses as if they weight nothing, skinning things in half the usual time, strangling raiders…” Nicholas shivered. “Actually I think he downplayed her size.”

Norm blinked and grinned, a weird sense of proudness at the way he had described Marigold, and leaned towards Nicholas, elbows on the counter.

“Wait… Are you afraid of her?”

Nicholas spluttered and grinned.

“I call it healthy respect. Fear I have of Willow’s Root-Curses.”

“Wait until Marigold sneaks on you without a sound.” Norm raised a proud eyebrow and Nicholas blinked at him.

“She can do that? With how big she is?!” Norm shrugged, still grinning. “Fuck. You have steel balls and your woman if even more of a badass than I had thought.”

Norm dry-swallowed, his heart hammering as his brain tried to process the fact that Nicholas had called Marigold his woman. Sure, they hadn’t put any label on it yet, but damn, why his brain and his body had to act like that at simple words?

Nicholas’ eyes moved to the side and he grinned, reaching out to tap his shoulder.

“You’re in trouble. Good luck.” And then he was leaving, just the bottles of water behind.

Norm blinked at his retreating back, more confused yet. He started to look back, wondering what had attracted the man’s attention…

His eyes immediately landed on Marigold, walking towards his place, and his brain fizzled like TV static. The red skirt swished around her legs, a glimpse of her knees between the hem and her boots, and sure, he would’ve preferred pants showing her thighs and butt, but it was the upper torso that stole his attention: a formal shirt, deep crimson with silver buttons, form fitting, her waist and hips so visible his fingers itched to hold. The main attraction were the sleeves, long, billowy, sheer enough that he could see the outline of her thick arms.

Marigold got one of the water bottles, opened it and leaned her back against the counter, the elbow of the arm closest to him on it, giving him a perfect view of how her muscles flexed, scars and all, and how her torso arched slightly, the outline of her nipples becoming visible – fuck. His mouth watered and he swallowed, arousal a forest fire down his body, and Norm was sure that, if Marigold hadn’t gotten before how much he enjoyed her strength, she had gotten it at that moment.

Norm forced himself to look back at her face, noticing the remade braid neatly over her shoulder, and Marigold gave him the extra trouble cheeky grin, lipstick freshly reapplied, before taking a sip of the water.

Nicholas words bubbled to the surface. His woman. Damn it, but he was tempted to use those words aloud.

“I-” His voice failed and he cleaned his throat, hearing a snicker somewhere behind him. He bet it was Nicholas nosing around. “I don’t remember this shirt from what Willow separated for you.”

“Birthday gift from Ed.”

“Oh.” There was no way Ed knew how he would react. Probably had just decided on something that would look amazing on his sister. “I thought there were still some months.” He managed belatedly.

“He decided on anticipating, with me travelling with you and so on.” She capped back the bottle. “I’ll dance a little, while the food doesn’t arrive. Unless you really want my company righty now…?”

A natural smile appeared on his face and he caught her hand, squeezing it.

“I think I can deal with some time alone. Go have some fun.”

Marigold’s grin became a genuine smile and she leaned in, pecking his lips and sauntering away.

Norm followed her with his eyes, the arousal along his body cooling some; she easily towered over most people in the room, attracting looks a bunch of people around. His stomach churned, the feeling heavy, and his hand itched to reach for the knife in his boot. Damned jealousy. Damn reaction to Nicholas’ words.

Then she started dancing, in a place not as full, easy for him to see her. She twirled and tapped her feet and moved alongside the rhythm with an ease that filled the eyes and made him sigh and forget the others looking. He got more comfortable in the bench and leaned his back against the counter, holding the bottles, small smile on his face.

Dancing Marigold got, and damn well indeed. He was happy to watch her, drink in her energy, noticing all the moments she looked at him, grinning and winking and blowing kisses. Happy to have him watch, not trying to talk him into dancing with her.

Norm was happy that she remembered he disliked dancing. Besides, he didn’t have the barest idea of how to dance like that. It was enough to watch her.

Someone crossed in front of him, a large hat hanging around their back and sat on the bench beside him with a heavy sight. Norm threw a look without turning his head, enough to recognize a ghoul, no nose, skin heavily scarred and missing from some places… With the signs of a thin moustache above the lips. They had passed some on the road, but the words had remained just the common cordial ones when necessary, some distance between them. It was still weird to see one so close and not feral, so unlike the day Nip-Nip had captured them.

“Any problem, chico?” A grave masculine voice, not raspy as the others he had briefly met.

“No, sorry.” He looked back towards Marigold, resisting the will of shrinking his shoulders as he felt the man watch him.

“Ah, a Vaultie.” Norm looked down at his Pip-Boy, sighed and nodded, turning slightly his head. The ghoul still watched him, the cataract covered eyes neutral. “Never saw a ghoul before?”

“Not many. Sorry again.”

“Nah, it’s fine. You’re just curious, I get.” The man turned on the bench, watching the room, and Norm caught Marigold’s eyes.

She still danced, but raised an eyebrow at him. He shook his head – everything’s fine, allow me to keep drinking in your happiness – and she threw herself back into it all.

“The one in red with a skirt, that’s your woman?”

That again.

“We… We haven’t, like…” his heart was hammering again and he felt like a fool for stuttering and for the warmth along his neck and cheeks, as if they hadn’t had sex and admitted they loved each other and called each other “love” and “my beloved” when they least expected. Damn it, Norm. The ghoul chuckled lowly.

“Not official yet?” Norm shook his head and the ghoul chuckled again.

There was a moment of silence between them and Marigold captured his eyes, winked and blew him a kiss; the warmth in his cheeks worsened, now that he knew the ghoul was watching it all.

“This old pre-war ghoul has a council, chico.”

“Pre-war? You don’t look a day over hundred.” Norm tested the waters, head turning slightly, and the man laughed.

“Good, chico, good.” He fixed himself, back against the counter, eyes on the throng of people dancing with a slight smile in his thin, burned out and scarred lips. Norm did the same, eyes on Marigold, arms locked with a redheaded woman as the two twirled fast along the song. “Don’t take too long to make it official if you really like each other, even if only between yourselves. And with the way she’s looking at you, she’s head over heels. And you-”

“Swept off my feet. That’s what she said she was trying to do.” He gave a small smile and the ghoul laughed once more.

In the floor, Marigold and the redhead did a complicated choreography of claps and throwing legs and twists and other movements he didn’t know how to describe that fit perfectly with the rhythm of the music.

Where she had learned to dance like that?

“It seems she was successful.”

“Absolutely.”

The ghoul laughed some more, then it died into a sigh.

“Grab what you love and keep it close, chico. This Wasteland’s too fond of taking things away.”

Norm blinked at Marigold, the song changing and her and the redheaded changing paths. She smiled at him and blew a kiss before starting moving again.

“Thank you.”

“Happy to help.” The ghoul got up. “Now I better-”

“It’s your turn.” A woman appeared out of nowhere, in a pretty flowing dress, big smile deepening some of the wrinkles starting to appear in her face, locking her arm with the ghoul’s.

“Oh, c’mon, the sun is setting-” She started dragging the ghoul and Norm watched. The ghoul didn’t resist too much.

“Everyone participates, you know Anya.”

“The Boss always forgets my knees hurt after sunset.” The ghoul complained, a grin on his face. He noticed Norm watching and winked. So fake complaining.

They ended amidst the group using the target, and it was clear the camaraderie between them. Old friends, something family-like in how they pushed and pulled each other.

He looked back at Marigold, still spinning, not seeming half as tired as he would imagine. That wasn’t “liking a bit”, that was loving it, and he smiled, shoulders relaxing.

“Grab what you love and keep it close”, it repeated in his mind, and he let out a trembling breath. It put into perspective their discussion about “people just decide they’re married and that’s it”.

His woman. Two strangers had said it. He wondered if people talking with Marigold would call him “her man”, and his heart hammered inside his chest.

Not a chore. Not for the Vault, for a community in which he never quite fit…

For them, for how she had feared she was dreaming when he first said “I love you” back, for how damn happy he had been at hearing it, for how they kept each other alive and for their sheer, mutual fear of losing each other. For how “love” and “my beloved” had slipped so easily in their day-to-day.

It was obvious, put it like that.

He was an idiot for not getting it earlier.

“Here’s your food… Norm, right?” Nicholas called and Norm looked above his shoulder, two plates of food on the counter.

“Right. Thank you, Nicholas.”

Marigold touched his shoulder, and Norm saw the beads of sweat on her temples and dripping down her neck, breasts briefly stretching the fabric as she panted. Her smile remained and Norm resisted the temptation of leaning in and kissing her neck, tasting the salt on her skin.

“The bottle, please?” He gave her the one she had already opened, and she sat down, draining it. “Thanks. Thanks too, Nicholas.”

---------

They ate sitting by the counter, her leg touching his under it, talking with Nicholas – he was both curious and worried about Willow’s pregnancy, wanting to verify she had arrived well in the Boneyard. Half of Norm’s mind was on the half formed decision, still unsure of how to broach the subject.

Norm was finishing his plate when Marigold leaned a bit more over the counter.

“Hey, Nicholas, what’s the rules about the target?”

Target…?

Oh, where the ghoul and his friends were shooting with darts, cross-bow and BB-gun.

“Eh, not much. You just pay the ammo.”

She couldn’t mean to…

“Good. Twenty BB-pellets.”

He heard caps hitting the counter and started to turn his head… Then she was holding his chin, keeping his head in place, and Norm felt her lips graze his ear.

“Not exactly the private show I was hoping for, but I hope you’ll still enjoy it, my dearest.” A shiver along his back with her whisper, and a persistent kiss against his cheek. The earlier arousal returned with a vengeance, burning a path down his stomach, his neck and cheeks hot.

Marigold started to retreat and he grabbed at her hand and braid, searching her eyes.

“Marigold…” He didn’t know what to say, what to think, his brain swerving violently from his previous thoughts.

She met his eyes, the grin and flirting melting into worry.

“Norm-boy? I’m sorry, this… You’re uncomfortable with it? Then forget-”

“Wait.” He cut her, fingers flexing in her hair, and she just watched him.

Was he uncomfortable, with seeing her shooting in a room full of people, knowing how it affected him? No. Not exactly, at least. Was he terrified of something embarrassing happening before they could reach their room? Absolutely. Was he confused because he had been trying to think of how to ask her that he wanted them to be something official? So damn much.

He blinked, eyes again on her shirt. Norm could picture in his mind, how she would look shooting with it, the flexing muscles of her arms visible, together with her focus and ability… The pang of arousal down his body was almost painful and he was glad by the coat, otherwise his half-erection would be noticeable.

Marigold had thought that through. She wanted to do that, knew it was something he liked. “Grab what you love and keep it close”, that was definitely one way of her doing it.

Yeah, it wasn’t private, but they were in a safe-ish, controlled place, where she wasn’t shooting at things that could kill them. He absolutely understood her reasoning.

Norm swallowed, pulling her for a fast, hard kiss.

“Go there and show them how it’s done, Beautiful.” He mumbled against Marigold’s lips and she grinned, teasing him with a nip before retreating.

His hands let her go and she walked towards the group using the target, a small box of ammo on one hand, steps firms, sure, and he swallowed.

[ktorok]

All There Is

My best friend recently introduced me to Anderson Cooper’s now three-year-old podcast titled “All There Is.” It’s about grief, and the taboo topic that it is in our society. Anderson shares candid, raw, and oftentimes very, very personal details of his lifelong grief after losing his father when he was 10, his brother in their early 20s to suicide, and most recently, his mother, Gloria Vanderbilt, at the well-lived age of 95.

He welcomes celebrities, doctors, experts, and regular listeners on the pod to talk about their stories of grief. Each one is unique, different, and includes a new lesson for people who have experienced or are experiencing grief.

I listened to Stephen Colbert, the youngest of 11 kids, talk about the day one of his older brothers picked him up unexpectedly from school. He got home, walked in the house, and saw his mom lying across her bed. “There’s been an accident,” she said. His father and two of his brothers were killed in a plane crash on September 11 in the mid-70s. Imagine the repeat grief he felt on the September 11 we now have etched in our memories?

Molly Shannon talked about the loss of her mother when she was just four years old. She died in a car crash with her younger sister, killed by a drunk driver. Except the drunk driver was Molly’s father. Tragic.

Today, while walking the dog, I listened to his conversation with Ashley Judd, who found her mother shortly before she died by suicide. That one was tough to hear, but included one of the most profound lessons to date.

In it, she said, “I think we all deserve to be remembered for how we lived, and how we died is simply part of a bigger story.”

Wow.

We all deserve to be remembered for how we lived, and how we died is simply part of a bigger story.

This struck me this week, and on this day, the eve of the 33rd anniversary of my sister’s death to cancer. I have written blogs about her before. About my own grief, about her death, and about how my anger has come and gone through these last three decades and through my own life milestones. She missed it, I would think. How could she miss this, I would wonder. Can she see me, I would ask.

And when I think of her, I think of her illness, her bald head, her hospital stays, and her pain – it’s mostly what I can remember from those years, I unfortunately have blurry memories BC (before cancer).

But hearing that line in today’s podcast made my brain switch – and pull up memories of just that, how she lived. How she was always getting in trouble for her smart mouth and comebacks. How she desperately wanted a leather jacket for Christmas when “everyone at school” was getting one. How she played flute. How she played soccer. How she played with us, her younger sisters. How she was adventurous, daring, and a risk-taker. How one summer on Tully Lake, my parents told her absolutely no boats; they left to pick up dinner and she immediately got on someone's boat. How sneaky she was. How she folded her passed notes perfectly. How she was a true, great friend. And how she lived – conquered most days – and rose above her cancer.

She lived loud and she lived proud, if only for 15 short years. My goodness, how…she…lived.

So, I thought, the way she died was simply part of a bigger story. For her, that story is the impact she made on those she knew and how we all work to keep her story alive today.

Ironically, or maybe it was serendipity, I was invited to speak about her just this week to a group that raises money for Camp Good Days and Special Times, a place that serves kids and families dealing with cancer. A place where we grew up. I speak to the group every year if asked, but usually a little closer to the date of the event in February. So to be asked to come just two days before her anniversary, I thought was pretty special. A sign, maybe?

I’ve been often enough, that I have also shared with them the story of the summer of 1997 or 1998 (the 90s are blurry, too) when the Camp dedicated a road named in her memory – Laura’s Way. To my surprise, I was presented with a framed photo of the road sign by the group. It’s a picture I have taken in many different ways, from many different angles, but this one is one I will cherish differently.

It’s part of her bigger story. Her legacy. The story that I will tell every year and to anyone who wants to hear it. She was my big sister, and I miss her.

This year, on her anniversary, I am choosing to remember her for how she lived. That is all there is. Laura's way...

[weasel-b33]

500 Miles (j.p x fem!reader)

Description: A few years after the birth of your son Harry, you and your husband James recall the beginning of your relationship. (NO VOLDY I CAN NOT DO THAT TO MYSELF) 

Warnings: Fluff, Kissing, A little Swearing, idk Cute Daddy James, Prolly many spelling errors I wrote this late and I am very tired...

 (THIS IS MY FIRST TIME EVER WRITING SOMETHING KINDA SIRIUS hehe SO IM SORRY IF IT IS TERRIBLE) 

Also the dates may be a bit wrong so im sorry in advance!! 

italicized is flashback!! 

Lyrics used in the song are from “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” by The Proclaimers (I KNOW THE SONG CAME OUT IN ‘87 BUT SUSPEND YOUR DISBELIEF PLEASE)

(not my gif)

The rambunctious laughter of the four year-old toddler and his father echoed throughout the large estate.

“Daddy!” exclaimed the messy haired Harry, “Can I please have a story.” Heavily emphasizing the puppy dog eyes he learned from his godfather, Sirius, a few years prior.

James Potter, the man unable to say no to anyone, tried to recall a story he had not told his son. Thinking back to the fairy tales of a prince slaying a fictional dragon, even though they are very much real, to save the princess that his mother used to tell him, James realized he was all out of good material. 

“I’m sorry bubs, I have nothing new too share,” the bespectacled man added lamely. The disappointment was instant on the child’s face, but luckily before the waterworks began, Y/N Potter strolled through the foyer into the den.

“Mommy!” Harry exclaimed, jumping up and bonding over to his mother, nearly knocking her over with his brute strength.

“Umph- Where’s the fire lovey?” you questioned with a slight chuckle. The dramatics of your son were never a surprise. Between his father and Sirius, you were surprised he had not acted much worse. Walking, more like sliding due to the child gripping your calves, over to your husband and lightly pecking his lips you ask, 

“What’s wrong now?”

Rubbing the back of his neck, he sheepishly stated, “I sorta don’t have a new story to tell him... he’s a bit peeved, if you couldn’t tell.”

A loud laugh tore through your throat as you pet your son’s hair affectionately.

“Come off Harry, Mommy has a perfect story to tell you,” you crooned softly.

“You do?”Harry questioned, rubbing the tears out of his stunning green eyes.

You picked him up and sat down near James, “Yes poppet, I have a very interesting story about how two very special people fell in love.” 

James quickly turned his head and quirked a questioning brow, “It all started when they were 15...” 

November 7, 1975

Quietly sitting on the vermilion couch of the Gryffindor Common Room, you began to fade out the noise of Lily ranting about the recent History of Magic exam, and Marlene’s long monologue over if she should or should not cut bangs. Instead, you were beginning to rip out each and every one of the hairs on your head because your Potions essay was nearly finished, yet you could not get those final words to conclude it all. 

Across the common room, a rowdy group of teenage boys, better known as the Marauders, were planning the newest prank on Snape. 

"We should give him that shampoo that will change his hair pink,” Sirius added.

Remus shook his head disapprovingly, “Pads, we did that last time come on..”

“WE HAVE NOTHING! WHAT IS WRONG WITH US, MOONY, HELP I’M DYING OF NO CREATIVITY!” Sirius exclaimed throwing himself across the scarred boy.

Although, many people turned their attention to the dark haired pureblood, James seemed he could not take his eyes off the girl nearly burning holes into her parchment, the girl he has fancied since he was 12. 

While playing with the snitch he stole, he said, “What if we tried that new rain spell we learned in charms today?” 

“Too difficult, we have not had enough practice.” Remus dismissed. “Well what if I found someone to practice on?” James added quickly turning to face his werewolf best friend. 

“Sure... Whatever, I could care less- Pads, get the bloody hell of me before I kick your arse,” 

“I’D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY REMUS JOHN,” Sirius yelled beginning his quick climb up the stairs to the boys dorm, with Remus and Peter quickly following.

“You comin’ Prongs?” Remus asked to the brunette still staring at the girl with shaky hands.

“No, I’ll come up in a few, still want to try to figure this prank out...” he said quietly. The lanky boy followed his best friends line of sight and quietly smirked to himself.

“Alright, don’t wear yourself out too much.” 

Even throughout the commotion, you still made no move to change your line of sight. That was until Marlene nudged you and whispered into your ear.

“Psst! Oi! Y/N! Why is Potter staring at you?” 

You quickly shook your head and waved off her question, opting to continue to find the right words.

Well until your blonde friend gripped your jaw, and turned your head to the direction of the boy. You instantly made eye-contact with the messy haired Gryffindor and quirked a brow. He smirked and turned his head away. You thought nothing of the interaction, until you felt a sudden drop above your head...

Instantly, it seemed as though there was a storm in the common room. Looking towards the ceiling you saw the dark rain cloud above your head. Quickly turning your head to the essay you were writing you noticed it completely wet and ruined. You jumped into action, trying to salvage what you could, but it was too late. Ignoring the screeches of your friends and fellow housemates, you began to look for the source of the cloud.

That was until you made eye contact with the laughing and smug James Potter.

“POTTER!” you yelled. Almost immediately the rain stopped, but the damage had been done. “JAMES POTTER! YOU BETTER HAVE A REASON YOU STARTED A STORM IN THE COMMON ROOM!” 

Hearing the commotion, the rest of the Marauders came down to the common room to witness what was happening. But all they saw was a yelling match between you and their brunette best friend.

“YOU ARE A DICK JAMES POTTER! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS COMING! IT’S GONNA BE SO NICE TO SEE YOUR FACE WHEN ALL YOUR ACTIONS FINALLY COME TO KICK YOU IN THE ARSE!” you yelled.

“What? I did nothing, I don’t mean to dampen your mood, but I have no idea what you are on about.” James replies smugly.

“UGH- YOU ARE A BULLY AND A RIGHTEOUS, STUCK UP, EGOTISTICAL ARSEHOLE! I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING THIS BECAUSE-- OH MY! I-” You were quickly being dragged away by your red head companion. 

“Y/N, he is not worth it... let’s just leave.” 

“NO! I HAVE TO RESTART MY ESSAY! I WAS THIS BLOODY CLOSE. UGH- YOU ARE AN ARSE JAMES POTTER I HOPE YOU KNOW THAT!”

“Y/N, it was just a prank, its no big deal relax.” James said.

“RELAX! ARE YOU KIDDING... I-” you paused taking shallow and rapid breaths, ‘you know I can not believe you think its funny. You truly have no regard for people and how they feel do you?” you asked slowly and meticulously. 

“Prongs, just apologize and lets go..” Remus said quickly.

“I- I didn’t realize it would be that big of a deal.” James tried to say to you, but it was no use because you had already dragged Lily and Marlene out the common room and to the library to re-start your assignment. 

“Oh, COME ON! I did not” James stated jokingly.

“Darling, you must certainly did, I barley passed that essay as well. I blame you for me getting an E in that class.” You replied giggling.

“Moooommmyyy! Story, get back to the story,” Your son said dramatically, grabbing your cheeks and turning to face him for extra effect.

Hearing a chuckling from James in the background, “Alright bubs, back to the the story”

January 23, 1976

After months of back and forth between you and James, he was fed up trying to get your attention. From roses to chocolate, to even a firework show in your honor, James believed he had done everything to apologize to you for his stupid prank and prove his affection.

Tired of his friends constant whining, Remus and Sirius decided to take matters into their own hands and talk to someone who knew you better than anyone else, Lily and Marlene.

“Oh Evans, Mckinnon, we are in grave need of your beautiful minds” Sirius flirted. Remus smacked him across the head adding, “Ignore the git, we need some help its about-”

“James?” Lily and Marlene said in unison.

“Yeah...how did you know” Remus questioned. “Are we gonna ignore the fact they spoke at the same time” Sirius said, once again receiving a blow from his friend.

Rolling her eyes, Lily remarked, “Well, Y/N has been complaining about him for months,” Marlene quickly interjected, “...and you never are without him so its an easy assumption. 

Now its was the boys turn to roll their eyes to the back of their heads. “Anyways, he will not shut up about getting her to forgive him... so we were wondering if you had anything that could work to get her to forgive him?” Remus pleaded with the best Sirius puppy dog eyes he could muster.

“Fine,” Lily and Marlene said jointly.

“THEY DID IT AGAI- OH NOT YOU TOO AS WELL!” Sirius exclaimed rubbing the now sore bump on his head. 

Ignoring the dog’s dramatics, the group of four began conducting a plan for James that would knock Y/N’s socks off.

At this point, Harry had nestled between his parents and fell into a deep sleep.

The two of you put him to bed and settle down back into the living room.

Looking longingly at his wife, James says, “Well, might as well finish the story love... it is the best part.”

Giggling at the antics of your husband, you shrug and began to finish the story...

February 14, 1976 

The Great Hall looked as though Cupid had just went on a decorating rampage. The room lined with pink and red hearts and the sight of loving couples nearly made you want to gag. Then, you remembered the boy who has dying to get your attention for the past months and can not seem but to get excited.

What does he have planned for you? Is he gonna get me a gift? Do I look presentable? 

“WHAT!” you quickly think to yourself, “Why in Merlin’s name am I excited to to see Jame- Potter. Godric I can’t feel like this for him... He his as a fly that buzzes and will not leave me alone... but he is not the worst to look at”

You quickly snap out of your thoughts as Lily starts to put food onto your plate. You begin to eat, but can only think of one thing.

James Potter.

“Why?” You begin questioning again, “Godric, Y/N You like him... No I do not.. You realize you are having this whole conversation within your brain, right? It is obvious you like him...” you grumble to yourself as you realize your psyche has won once again.

Lily noticing your strange behavior begins to question if you discovered what they have planned. 

Almost as though the boys heard Lily’s thoughts the beginning of the plan is activated.

Instantly, the candles in all of the Great Hall extinguish and there is the beginning of a song plays.

Suddenly, a spotlight shines onto the teachers table where atop, James and the rest of the Marauders stand, Remus and Sirius with guitars and Peter on the drums. James holding a mic begins to sing...

When I wake up, Well I know I’m gonna be, I’m gonna be the man who wakes up next to you.

Your head snaps to the noise and there you see in all of his glory, James Potter holding a microphone staring straight at you.

When I go out, yeah I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who goes along.

Quickly shoving the breakfast roll down your throat you nearly choke as you see the boy slowly make his way towards the front of the Gryffindor table.

When I get drunk, well I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you.

Your eyes widen comically when you see James Potter jump onto the Gryffindor table. 

And when I haver, hey I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you.

Slowly, the boy begins his walk across the table to where you sit. You try to make a run for it, but Lily and Marlene quickly grab your arms and anchor you down to the bench 

“What friends you are!” you hiss at the two.

Marlene just rolls her eyes and Lily pinches your hip.

And I would roll 500 miles And I would roll 500 more Just to be the man who rolls a thousand miles To fall down at your door

Once the boy is standing in front of you he reaches down for your hand. Stubbornly, you ignore his gesture, well until your two friends throw you up onto the table with the love struck brunette. 

When I come home well I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who comes back home to you And when I grow old, well I know I'm gonna be I'm gonna be the man who's growing old with you.

You grip onto the boys biceps for stability and are forced to look into his ravishing hazel eyes...

In that moment you forget all that he has done to you in the past and all you can think about is him and you. 

But I would roll 500 miles And I would roll 500 more Just to be the man who roles a thousand miles To fall down at your door.

Smiling, to yourself, you grab the face of the boy in front of you and mold your lips together. Ignoring the cheers of your classmates, the only sounds you hear are the background noise of the boy’s best friends signing backup. 

Da da da  Da da da                                                                                                            Da Da Dun Diddle                                                                                            Un Diddle Un Diddle Uh Da Da.....

Smiling to yourself and grabbing the hand of the man you love you start laughing.

“What’s so funny, love?” James asks.

“Nothing.... Just we began dating because you performed a whole song and dance in front of the entirety of Hogwarts.” you reply breathlessly.

“Well, hey, look at us now... happy, healthy, and a true family.” he replies smiling at your antics.

You lay down your head into the lap of your husband, and look up into his hazel eyes you got lost into all those years ago, “Such a sap, Potter, such a sap...”

Kissing your cheek softly, “Only for you, my darling girl... only for you...” 

“I love you Jamie”

“I love you more, my love.”            ______________________________________________________________

AHHH I HOPE YOU ENJOY!!! IM SORRY IF IT IS SO BAD!! THIS IS MY FIRST FIC PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF I COULD DO ANYTHING BETTER!!! AHHHH (but like kinda like this story... kinda proud ;))

[alexjcrowley]

Hi! This fanfiction is based on an idea by @idrilearfalas , she wrote the entire concept and the iconic/important lines you'll find in this fanfiction, check out her blog, she is great.

The Pompeii mission, Mobius thought it would have been an easy one. Everybody knows what should happen in Pompeii and it's usually all natural. You just have to make sure someone dies- eh, sorry Plinius- and someone lives.

It's an easy mission, normally, but not when you have to handle a certain norse God of Mischief. One who likes to throw a tantrum on every other occasion.

It's usually nothing more than bantering, playful and witty at its best, sharp and bitter at its worst, but it's something Mobius can handle. He can even enjoy it, when he makes a stupid joke and Loki tells him how stupid it is and they both chuckle. Loki has to learn something new about being a TVA agent and most of the times he makes a fool of himself before getting the thing right, so Mobius can tease him a little and Loki will respond sharp as ever, but with a sort of...endearing note in his stubborness.

Those are good days, days Mobius comes back to his apartment with a smile and when he closes his eyes he can still hear the God's laughter at whatever funny thing happened that day, or replay the moment when they looked into eachothers' eyes and they suddenly understood what to do with the mission, with a single glance.

Today was not a good day. He didn't know the reason. Maybe Loki woke up on the wrong side of the bed, maybe Mobius accidentally made an unpleasant comment, but the norse God started their mission with a pout you could see on the face of a child when they don't get the Christmas present they wanted.

"Oh well" Mobius had thought. Oh well, it's just another bad day, a day in which he had to watch his mouth, because you don't want to deal with an angered God. The general mood was low, the Minutemen looked already tired before the mission had even started and Mobius knew from the moment he passed through the portal he wanted to come back home as soon as possible.

But this wasn't an ordinary bad day. Mobius was prepared to deal with a bit of coldness, with a lack of enthusiasm from everybody, what he wasn't ready to deal with- he didn't want to deal with Loki acting like an asshole.

"And that's it? Really?"

"What did you expect me to say, exactly? You brought me here, you told me I was living a delusion and you gave me no choice other than being your hound. I apologise if I can't think of you as one of my dear friends."

"One of your dear friends? Who would the others be? Just curious, because I have seen your entire life and there is not one person, except maybe Thor, you actually build this strong and trusting relationship with-"

"Wonderful, so why did you expect you'd be the first one I'd decide to grant the gift of my friendship to? I am not even your colleague, I am subjected to this stupid organisation and to you in particular. We are not friends, we forcibly work together and that's it."

Mobius and Loki had been speed walking during the entire discussion, but Loki stopped for a moment.

"You can't fool me, I know very well I am not anything more than your ticket to the Variant. I'll be damned before I put my trust in you, we both know, after all of this has come to an end, nothing will be between me and that resetting stick."

You see, on an ordinary bad day, this would have never happened. On an ordinary bad day, Mobius wouldn't have seen all of his efforts to build a decent relationship with Loki shattered. Was he used to a suspicious Loki? Yes. To a Loki who said that trust is for dogs and children? Also yes. He had been used to that Loki since he first opened up his file. But he had also started being used to Loki's rare moments when he opened up, to his hidden heroic side which desperately seemed to call for attention, to his awkward, genuine reaction when he was showed any form of affection. Mobius had seen Loki spitting his "trust nobody" one liners with less and less convinction everyday, and then they were only mumbled comments to keep up a façade, and then they had become whispers, and then eyes rolls, to the point that Mobius had thought Loki had started warming up on poeple- warming up on him. But he was wrong. Just because Loki didn't voice his dissent, it didn't mean it wasn't there.

It didn't mean he saw Mobius as more than just enemy, even after everything they had been through, even after Mobius took on himself the risk of whatever would have happened to Loki and because of Loki, even after the trust he had shown him, even after the laughters and the lunches and the jokes and the stolen glances- now, look at who was the delusioned one.

Did this upset Mobius? Absolutely. But it also fired him up. Frustration, anger, embarrassment, Mobius erupted with a fiercety matching the volcano explosion just minutes ago.

"Do you really think I would just let them reset you?"

Although shorter than the God, Mobius stood up in front of him looking him in the eyes.

"After all I have done to keep you alive, after all we have been through, do you believe I'd just abandon you to your de-"

"What else would you do? Keep me with you, as your 'friend'? What, you took pity on me and were planning to give me a desk so I can spend the rest of my eternity working for the same people who robbed me of my future?"

"Now stop it, you two, the passage is open, we need to leave" said Hunter B-15, but Loki and Mobius didn't seem to have any intention of listening to her, so she just signed at the rest of the group.

"Come on, hop through it, they'll come when they're ready" she ordered. She waited for the Minutemen to go through the passage, she looked once again at Loki and Mobius and she shook her head, following her collogues back to the TVA. She closed the passage, aware that Mobius could have opened another when he wanted to.

"Just because you are a selfish, uncaring bastard it doesn't mean we all have to be. Is it so difficult for you to accept some people care about you? Like your mother or your brothe-"

"Don't you dare talking about them, you know nothing about them-"

"I literally know everything about them-"

"And stop pretending you care about me or trust me, I am the God of Illusions, I know all your stupid tricks, I used them before-"

Loki and Mobius were shouting very loud, they barely heard the footsetps of someone approaching. A Variant, not the Loki Variant, another one, an enemy of the TVA, probably.

Mobius noticed them in the corner of the eye and turned around fast enough.

Loki was not minimally done with the discussion, but if Mobius was looking away from him, something must have happened.

Loki has been in battles. Battles on Asgards are usually more "traditional" than what you see on Midgard. Sure, they can use magic, but it's mostly swords and axes and arrows and, sometimes, good old-fashioned punches. When he had been on Midgard, Loki had learned war had incredibly evolved. The glorified Midgardian technology changed the face of battles. He had seen a few of the new weapons, nothing that impressive, incomparable to magic. But he remembered them very well, he knew he was not a good idea to underestimate them. So he remembered the sound of a bullet. It was loud, violent, fast. It lasted a few seconds, and then there was silence. If you aim right, your enemy is not just wounded, he's already dead.

They both turned to see the Variant pulling out a gun, and then Loki heard it.

The sound of a bullet.

He shoved Mobius away, before the agent could do anything about it. Mobius heard the sound of a bullet as well, he heard Loki moan in pain and he knew he hadn't been fast enough. But he made up for it pulling out his gun as well, shooting the Variant right in the chest, it only took one bullet to kill him.

Mobius was suddenly grabbed by the arm by a bleeding Loki, who was trying to stand up in vain.

Mobius kneeled next to him, holding him and putting his head on his lap.

Blood. So much blood. The bullet hit the stomach. A normal bullet? You take him to the hospital and chances are he'll be fine. A bullet like that, with a venom release? Kills you in a matter of minutes.

'He is not going to survive' a voice declared in Mobius's head.

He had seen scenes like this too many times to ignore the truth, even if he was desperately trying to. So many missions ending up with corpses, Mobius had witnessed so many deaths like this. It was useless to try and save them, the most merciful act was to immediately reset them to spare them the pain.

But not with Loki. Mobius had already started pressing on the wound, trying to stop the blood.

Useless, all of this was useless.

Loki was uttering verses more than words, normally at this point he would have neen already unconscoius, but the whole being a God must have come with some sort of enhanched healing capacity.

"I am not...ugh, not surviving this?"

"No, no, you are, I just have to take you through the passage-"

"I am...the God of...lies, I know one when I heard...one" Loki coughed.

No, no, no, one thing was seeing Loki dies in a stupid video, another was to witness him dying between his arms, Mobius thought. He couldn't bear this.

Loki looked so scared. He didn't even have the strenght to talk to pretend he was fine with this, he accepted this death. He just looked pained and frightened. He tried to tighten his grip around Mobius's arm, but he couldn't, he was loosing too much blood too fast.

"He looks so young, God, he looks so young" was all Mobius could think. He had seen Loki die, he had seen him a hero, a son of Odin, a troubled man with a controversial life, but this Loki, he was too young. He was just learning what his life could amd couldn't be, he still hadn't make up with Thor or heard his father tell him that he loved him. There was an entire future for him ready to be rewritten, he couldn't die in that moment, he couldn't die on him.

"Aren't you...you tired of watching...me die..."

"You are not dying, Loki, we just have to press on the wound for bit longer, enough for it to stop bleeding, then I'll take you through the passage and-"

"It's always...so pathetic..." Loki coughed again "of a scene..."

Mobius looked around him for another piece of cloth to press on the wound. He had already sacrificed his jacket, but, in absence of anything else, he ripped part of the sleeve of his shirt and pressed it on Loki's stomach. The white cotton was soon impregnated by dark red blood.

"At least...both times...I died for someone I-"

Loki coughed again, exhaling his last breath.

Mobius stopped pressing on the wound. He stared at Loki's corpse in a silent horror.

His body wasn't cold yet, the blood was still flowing, but he was dead. Loki was dead.

Mobius conceided himself a few seconds to fully realize there was nothing left to do. He wanted to scream, but his mouth didn't emit any sound.

His hands still rested on the wound, wet woth blood.

"It should have been you, is that what you're thinking, isn't it?"

Mobius reluctantly teared his gaze off Loki's corpse, to meet the eyes of another God Mischief, one alive and on the run.

Towering over Mobius with his dark cloak, the Dangerous Variant casted a shadow on the two TVA agents. He then kneeled beside Loki's corpse.

Mobius looked at him is disbelief.

"Why are you here?" was all Mobius managed to say.

Why are you here now? Where were you five minutes ago, when Loki was still alive, when you could have done something? How are looking at your own corpse- they were, after all, the same person- without any anger, or surprise or shock?

Mobius wasn't scared of the Dangerous Variant, on the contrary. Although TVA insisted on branding him as this big enemy, he had on several occasions helped him and Loki out, even saved them from some very bad situations. He had never constituted a threat for him or Loki. Sure, he was a mass murderer, but that was kind of a Loki characteristic in general.

"Okay, here's the deal" said the Variant, without looking away from the dead body "You use your...your- ah, what's its name, the- the remote to go back in time, I'll take his place and it's happy ending for everyone. Except for me" he mumbled "but that was mever in the plans, wasn't it" he smiled bitterly, pushing a lock of the dead Loki's hair away from his face.

"What?" Mobius exclaimed.

"Just do as I say" the Variant kept looking down at the corpse "You turn back time, I take the bullet, you two live, I die. It's easy, Mobius."

"How the hell should this be easy?" Mobius shouted, prey to grief and confusion "Why would you do that? What's- what's the meaning of this?"

The Variant had been willing to lend a hand in moments of need, but he was no suicidal.

Finally, the Variant pried his eyes away from his other self and looked at Mobius.

"You asked me once why I was doing what I was doing, remember?" he began.

Mobius slowly nodded.

“Killing TVA officers, trying to destroy the system" the Variant continued "It was just... revenge. Against the TVA. For taking away the thing I cared the most about."

He then looked Mobius in the eye, with a strange intensity, some sort of regret.

"...I was that Loki"

He looked once again at the corpse.

"Then they killed you." he paused.

Mobius didn't say a word, but he kept looking at the Variant astonished.

"And I decided it was time to stray from my written path again. Because nothing else mattered anymore, except making them pay for what they did and making sure what happened to you in my past... did not happen in your present."

The Variant idly run a bony finger over his other's self pale cheek. He then raised his eyes at Mobius.

"I will take his place because he still has you" he then declared "and he still has time to accept" he made a small gesture with his hand, encompassing his dead alter ego and Mobius "whatever you’ve got going on."

Mobius looked at the Variant ever so bewildered, but the Variant simply closed his eyes for a few seconds, looking for the right words.

"He still has time to tell you...all the things I never said." 

The Dangerous Variant was on his knees, teary eyes and a lump in his throat, but he then stood up and cleared his stance. Despire the shaken voice, he proclaimed with all the courage he seemed to own: "I am Loki of Asgard and I am burdened with glorious purpose." He screamed that to no one in particular, or maybe just to himself.

Mobius had been shocked into silence until that moment. Still looking at the Variant, he stood up too, hesitated for a moment then extends his hand to Dangerous Variant. The other one looked at it for a moment, and then firmly grasped it, shaking it.

Mobius was still very confused over what has just happened- what was going to happen.

"Are you sure?" he asked "You...would die. For good. I- I don't think there's a way everybody can get out safe from this- even if you consider time travel and-"

"I know. That's why I am doing it. So that you two get to live, you still has reasons to do it." the Variant said, no hesitation.

"I was right, you know," Mobius said, still reluctant to leave Loki's hand- the moment he did, the Variant would have to die. It was still hard for him to sentence someone to death. But his lips curled into an almost amused smile, even though with a note of sadeness "You're not a villain."

The Variant snorted- oh, Allfather, he had missed Moby's antics- and rolled his eyes, then looked at Mobius again, trying to hide his amusement. You had to have a sense of humour to live his life, Loki thought, there weren't many moments to laugh in his existence, he had to learn to appreciate rare moments like those, when fate graced him with the last sight of the love of his life.

"Turn back the clock, Mobius."

After a slow nod, his hand still in Variant Loki's, Mobius did as he was said.

***

Two days later those events, ut was a good day. In the previous two days, the TVA had finally declared that one of his most wanted Variants was not a problem anymore. Mobius simply stated he had "been cared about", with a hint of sadness nobody cared for. Loki had been quite shocked to witness his death, he had tried to do something for him, but Mobius had looked at him the way he rarely did- with resignation. Nothing left to do. He had offered Loki to spend some time together after the whole thing, to buy him a drink if he needed, to simply listen to him or leave him alone, if he wanted to. It wasn't easy to be a spectator of their own death.

Loki had recovered quicker than Mobius would have thought. Sure, you could still see Loki lost in his train of thoughts when he was left on his own, but he had seen himself die once, he could handle twice.

"Paperwork. To distract you. As a treat." Mobius put on his desk a stack of papers the size of an encyclopedia.

Loki frowned: "And you call this a treat?"

"Well, you can always go help Casey cataloguing the infinity stones, if you like it best" Mobius chuckles.

Loki mindlessly started playing with the Tesseract on his desk- yes, they let him keep it. After all, it was no more than a glowing blue lamp at the TVA.

"Mh, whatever" Loki sighed, picking up a paper, still glaring at Mobius.

"Oh, you have to file these for the end of the day, which gives you around...hmm, something between one and four hours in earth time, I don't remember now. Good luck." Mobius added before starting to walk away.

An irritated "what" that was probably heard in the entire pocket reality of the TVA made him stopped in place. Mobius couldn't help but smile, but he didn't turn around.

"You must be joking! This is- this is unacceptable! What is even supposed to mean between one and four hours? I may have king ambitions but you are the real tyrant!" Loki shouted.

"Oh, Loki" said Mobius, finally turning to face the God "This is very flattering, but I am no more than a mere bureaucrat."

"Yes, and the worst kind." the other replied. He then looked around him, noticing that everybody has stopped whatever they were doing to listen to his shoutings. With a faint flush on his face, Loki sat back in his chair, just after glancing at the whole room and snarling a "What are you looking at?"

He then looked back at Mobius, sighing a "I hate you so much".

Mobius simply smiles.

"Sure you do, kitten."

I am sorry for the spelling mistakes, I tend to make a lot of them and also I am not a native english speaker, so I hope I everything I wrote makes sense.

[misc-hamefura-etc]

WN Bonus story - Made by everyone

One of the bonus stories from the WN that wasn’t included in the LNs (yet). This was mostly machine translated. If someone has a better TL let me know and I’ll take this down. 

Otherwise it’s another cute story of Bakarina and friends! XD 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Made by everyone

My name is Catarina Klaes, 10 years old.

The only daughter of the Duke's family, the fiancée of the third prince of this country ... and the villainous daughter of the maiden game "FORTUNE LOVER" set in this world.

One day when I was eight years old, I remembered the memory of my previous life when I hit my head, and realized that I was reincarnated as a villain daughter who has only a ruin flag in the world of otome games! 

So, by the time I was fifteen years old when the game started, I was trying to avoid the ruin flag, but ... I've come here and a big crisis has come!

It was this morning.

As usual, I asked Anne to peel off the blankets and wake me up, and the weather was nice, so I was eager to go to the garden dashingly, saying, "Now, let's work hard on the fields."

It was a ruthlessly devastated field.

The crops that were growing are full of holes, and the ones that will fall on the soil and will bear fruit are similar. In addition, there are sticky white things all over the place. 

It's been a few years since I started to make a field in the garden of the Klaes family, and it's a garden of an aristocratic mansion. But ...

A foreign enemy has appeared here.

The garden was surrounded by fences and so that wild animals wouldn't come in easily ... but they were coming from the sky.

The appearance of several birds singing cutely with chips was adorable in the garden with a feeling of "pretty".

Recently, I felt that the number of visitors I saw at home has increased since when i first regained my memories.

However, no way they would ruin the fields I made with great care like this ...

"Damn ~, those sparrows!"

I cursed.

When I approach, it escapes temporarily, but when I leave, it returns to the field and finally pecks the fruit.

Quite a few visitors? No, it's done by the number of birds, so it seems that the precious vegetables will all be eaten.

In addition, their poop is scattered everywhere, so it's sticky with white poop all over the place.

This is bad, I have to take some measures!

Chair Catalina Klaes. 

Congressman Catalina Klaes. 

Secretary Catalina Klaes.

Now, let's break through the current situation and open a strategy meeting to avoid the crisis in the fields.

 "Well, everyone, please give us your opinion to protect the important fields."

"Yes"

"……Can I have a minute? 』\

"Yes, please Catarina Klaes"

"I understand that the fields have been devastated and I'm shocked, but do I need to bother to hold a strategy meeting for this project? 』\

"Well, what are you talking about! It's a critical situation because our important field has been devastated! This is a meeting project! 』\

"... But the fields have nothing to do with our doom flag ..."

"Well, I've been enjoying it as a hobby since I knew that it wouldn't be form of communication with the origin of my magic, but ... I mean, now I've set the doom flag aside and it's a field! 』\

"... No, it would be useless if you left it. The doom flag. It depends on Catalina's life. "

"Well, it's okay, because the countermeasures have been put in place ... Well, the snake toys are getting better, and the dirt bump isn't like it's getting higher.  』\

"The quality of snake toys has certainly improved, but I don't think the soil bump has improved at all since the first year ..."

"No, there are times when it feels a little higher, even though it's a few millimeters."

"... It's probably because of that. I feel that 15 cm is the limit. "

"Oh, we're doing a lot about the Doom flag countermeasures, and for the time being, we've gathered in this way, so let's talk about the field countermeasures now."

"Yes"

"Well, that's right."

"So, do you have any good ideas? 』\

"Yes. You should avoid birds in the field. "

"For example, avoid birds? 』\

"Well, uh, put a plastic bottles on the fence? 』\

"Isn't that cat counter measures? 』\

"That's right. Then, the grandmother of the previous life didn't say that you should smell the dog. "

"I think it was a measure against nyctereutees."

(TL Note: sorry i have no idea what shes trying to prevent here) 

"Then, what to do to avoid birds? 』\

"... a scarecrow?"

"That's it. Scarecrow! Grandma had a scarecrow in the field! 』\

"Good nice. If you put up a scarecrow, it would seem like there are people and the birds won't come near. "

"Okay, let's make a scarecrow right away! 』\

"Yes!"

 In this way, I decided to start making scarecrows ...

"In the first place, how should I make it, can I do it if I have a tree?"

When I was thinking about how to make it, my brother Keith said

"What's wrong big sister?"

He kindly asked me, so I talked about the fact that the field was in danger due to sparrows and I was thinking of making a scarecrow as a countermeasure.

"... Scarecrow to avoid birds ... It's amazing what my big sister thinks. I've heard of it, but I haven't seen it properly, so why don't you ask the gardener or someone who seems to know more?"

"I see!"

Let’s just ask the gardener Tom Ji-chan.

I immediately asked Tom Ji-chan how to make a scarecrow.

 Tom Ji-chan, who knows a lot, knew how to make a scarecrow and told me how to make.

I had gathered the necessary materials as taught. 

Then, with Keith helping me, "Now, let's start making scarecrows!” And started preparing in the garden,

"Catarina, what on earth are you trying to do this time?"

My fiancé Geordo, the third prince of the country, popped up and asked with a smile.

(Geordo comes into the mansion with a free pass, so he always comes suddenly)

"Oh, Geordo, I'm going to make a scarecrow from now on."

"What is a scarecrow?"

Oh, the prince doesn't know about Scarecrows, well, he's the prince.

"Scarecrow is a doll in the shape of a person in a rural field."

"Oh, I think I've seen it from a distance, but why make such a thing?"

"That's right ----"

I enthusiastically talked about the crisis in the fields caused by sparrows, so I decided to make a scarecrow! After he got over his shock, he lowered his head as his shoulder trembled. (this is a common Geordo habit).

"If so, let's help me together." he said.

Geordo is a super high-spec person who can even work in the fields smartly, so I'm grateful for his help.

I asked Geordo for cooperation, saying "please".

This time, Geordo's twin brother Alan and his fiancé Mary also came to visit.

When I explained to them that we were going to make a scarecrow,

Alain burst with laughter, "No, you're just in the field, but I'm wondering what it's like to make a bird ward."

Mary said "Please let me cooperate for Catalina's precious field."

 However, if the number of people increased to this point, it would be better to make several Scarecrows rather than making one Scarecrow together, so it was decided to divide the team.

"I'll make it with Catalina, because I'm her fiancé."

"My big sister originally intended to make it with me."

When Geordo and Keith started say those things,

  "Katarina-sama, I'm here to play."

"Apologies for the intrusion"

Sophia and Nicole, the Ascart siblings also came --- the number of Scarecrow-making members increased to seven in a blink of an eye, so I decided to make three.

 At Nicole's suggestion, "Because it's a hassle to divide up, let's draw lots," the lots divided us into three teams.

 "Now, let's do our best"

"Yes, Catalina, let's make a nice scarecrow."

"I like cute things"

Me, Mary, Sophia's girl team.

  "I mean, what is Scarecrow? Nicole, do you understand?"

"Oh, I've seen it before when I went to visit a rural village."

Alan, Nicole's team.

  "... Well, why do I have to work with you?"

"Geordo -sama, I will return the line exactly as it is."

Geordo , Keith's team.

  In this way, everyone made a scarecrow for each.

Everyone helped me with the fields, but it was also fun to do different work together.

And three scarecrows were completed.

The three scarecrows in the garden, the materials themselves should not have changed so much, but each one has its own individuality.

Scarecrow made by our girl’s team is like a cute girl with long hair and fluffy clothes in response to Sophia's suggestion that "I like cute things anyway".

Nicole and Alan team are said to have faithfully reproduced what Nicole had seen before ... It seems that it had a very good male style ... The result was a macho male style scarecrow. ..

And the team of Geordo and Keith ... they created a very realistic human-like scarecrow.

It was a scarecrow like a work of art that brought together the power of Geordo, who can do anything, and Keith, who is dexterous.

However, the impression of everyone who saw such a scarecrow was: 

 "It looks like it's starting to move."

"It's too real and scary"

"Why did you make it so real?"

"..."

 It was not good enough.

For that reason,

 "I told to make a human shape, so I just did what I was told."

"... I haven't seen Scarecrow. I don't know what it is."

 Geordo looked a little sick, and Keith said that he was a little embarrassed, but when I saw the Scarecrows, I was impressed. They could definitely deceive the sparrows!

"If it looks like a human, you can definitely deceive a sparrow! Thank you for the wonderful scarecrow."

When I said that and thanked them, they looked down a little in the same way.

 "... No. There is nothing like this."

"... Yeah. That's right."

 They answered.

 When I looked closely at the two people who looked strange, their faces were blushing.

 Oh, no!

It wasn't that hot yet, but everyone had to work outdoors for quite a long time, so they got hot flashes!

The two of them made a particularly elaborate work of art.

"I'm sorry I didn't notice it. It was hot. Let's go indoors and rehydrate immediately!"

I'm sorry that I'm mentally older than everyone else, but I'm not sure.

I hurriedly took everyone indoors and served tea.

The tea after work was exceptionally delicious, and we all made scarecrows, so we talked about that.

Geordo and Keith were also glad that when they had tea indoors, their hot flashes seemed to have calmed down and their complexion had returned.

 And three scarecrows were placed around the field of the Klaes family.

Girls, Macho men, and real humans.

Occasionally, the servant I saw was mistaken for a person and made a surprised voice, but thanks to him, the sparrow seemed to be able to deceive him well and did not come near, so he was able to escape from the crisis in the field.

[chidoroki]

TPN ch181

(spoilers! AAAHHhhaha..my children!)

Okay, so remember in my last review when I said I was impressed how Ray, Gilda and Phil managed to narrow down where Emma might be in the matter of a couple months? Well, I take it back because it hasnt been just a few months, it's been two damn years! Oh my god, I can't imagine how hard it must've been for everyone, especially our two boys, to search for so long without even getting on single clue about Emma's whereabouts. Some of the children still doubt whether she's alive or actually in this world with them or not.

(image limit, so imagine the panels of the Goldy Pond kids discussing the lack of clues and Thoma and Lani doubting the reward again)

Thankfully, Gilda gets the idea to search in forbidden zones which is where we see her, Ray and Phil. Speaking of which, oh my poor boy. This is the longest Ray has been without Emma by his side. I thought the one month after Goldy Pond was hard enough on him, but two whole years? Damn, I can't imagine the stress and anxiety he's been experiencing. He's still so frustrated too and gets so close to Emma without even realizing it. Then, surprisingly, his beloved family steps in to help? The people he personally couldn't save now come together to help him save the one person who originally saved his life. Like, hello?? I love this! Conny, who was another sibling he had to use in order to put his initial escape plan in motion to save Emma and Norman's lives, is now assisting him in saving Emma from being alone. Yuugo, who knows firsthand how important Emma is to Ray and how close they are. Isabella, knowing her son kept his promise as he's always set out to do whatever it takes to protect his entire family. The fact that Ray's lost family members can feel how strong his bond with Emma is and they jump in to help reconnect the two of them again.. just, wow. It may be all the rayemma week feels getting to me but that's like a damn soulmate occurrence if i ever saw one!

The two unknowingly pass each other again but thanks to Emma conveniently losing her necklace and finding it with perfect timing, they all finally encounter each other. Everyone expresses their complete shock and relief that they had finally found Emma, and while I am happy they their search ended up a success, the mood changes fairly quickly due to our girls lost memories. She hasnt the slightest idea who "Emma" is, who these people are or why they're so excited to see her. The kids wonder if they have the right girl, as they take notice of Emma's bare neck.

One look at the necklace in her hand though and Ray finally puts the pieces together. Honestly, I'm not at all surprised he's the one to figure out the true reward, as Ray has been very perceptive since the beginning. He's also always been openly honest and blunt when things get serious, so naturally he's the one who has to let everyone know this because while it's a sad truth no one wants to hear, or even believe, they all need to realize it, including Emma. Even Ray has trouble coming to terms with the sacrifice Emma made. He understands how hard it must have been for Emma to accept the heavy price of her forgetting the family she loves so deeply and he looks so broken when he realizes that. He must be feeling so guilty that he couldn't have been there with her when she made the new promise. He still puts the blame on himself and he's so upset that his failure lead Emma to live in a world alone without the family she cares for more than anything.

I wasn't too satisfied last chapter when demon god told us the real reward and Emma's response was a simple "okay," so I'm grateful we learned more about the conversation now in this chapter. She really did want to live her family. She even knew some of them might get mad at her for keeping a secret. She says it's a selfish request, for her to place such a heavy burden on herself, but what mattered to her back then upon accepting the reward is what has always mattered to her, and that's her family's happiness and safety. It wasn't just her loved one either, but for all the demons and cattle children. This girl truly has a heart of gold and demon god himself is left surprised. Of course I wish she didn't think she was being selfish since everyone did agree to follow her as their leader but aahh.. my poor girl.

Spoiling the very end now, but we dont get one last fullscore trio hug. Of course that upsets me since I thought it would've made such a perfect ending, but it makes sense now given how everyone's reunion with Emma happened. While their happiness and relief is completely understandable after searching two years and finally finding Emma, they overreact and this visibly freaks her out. Come on guys, last time I said to gently remind her of her past, not bombard her right away. Having a ton of strangers surround you and tell you such outlandish things is quite jarring. I'm glad she takes the chance to listen to everyone, but she just doesnt know these people well enough to suddenly hug them. I imagined a hug would've happened upon her recalling some of her memories somehow and feeling relived that she met the two boys she often once dreamt about, but oh well.

Norman takes this time to step in and ease some of the tension, saying how happy he is that Emma's alive and even reiterating some of the things he said to her during his shipment scene. While this chapter soon shows how well the escapees have adapted to the human world and changed, it also puts an emphasis on the boy's true personalities that they showed since the very beginning. I've already mentioned above how Ray stayed true to himself, about him being open and honest to the others with the truth and even his own feelings. With Norman, I don't know the word for him really, but his speech about their family and his feelings remind me of ch1/ep1 where we see him trying to calm Emma down after seeing what they did at the gate. He stayed by her side and remained hopeful even though he was just as scared. Right now, I get the same vibes. He's just as upset as their family upon learning Emma lost her memories, but he still wants her to be apart of their family.

Although it seems like a very rushed way of tying up loose ends, I'm happy to hear about how well the children have been adapting in the human world. They're attending school and following their passions. They all look so happy! The entire Lambda crew is healthy and Cislo even has a prosthetic leg! The medicine made from Adam's dna was successful and also helped those children from the mass production farms. Mike Ratri and the clan are actually being helpful and trustworthy. I absolutely love Norman's comment about Ayshe not killing him! It really makes me smile and I assume that means she's forgiven him.. maybe. Her dogs were indeed able to cross over to the human world too and now there's even more! Chris is finally awake! They seriously have to fill the poor boy in on so much news though.

I get it. It took the entire story for me to understand but now I get Norman's intense feelings. He's been infatuated by this girl since childhood. He told us/Ray his feelings at age 11 then "gave his life" to give her a better chance at survival. He kept living just for the slight possibly to see her again. After almost two years, they reunite, only for about a week or two before they all cross over into the human world and Emma is no where to be seen. Another two years pass and while they all find her, she's almost a completely difference person. Yet Norman's feelings remain so sincere for her that he accepts this new Emma. He lets her know that the bright future she wished for came true. (me? speaking of noremma? even im surprised)

Her head might not have the slightest idea who these people are, but her heart surely remembers! Emma's feelings for her family were so strong that they persisted throughout these entire two years, even after she stopped having those dreams about them. Deep down, and without even realizing it, she loves them so much that it makes her cry.

“Why am I... Even though I don't know them. Though I don't know anything. Though I can't remember. Why... Does it feel warm, but also so painful in my heart? I wanted to see you.”

Seeing everyone else get emotional and expressing their feelings to her right back and having all of them accept this new Emma.. yeah, that has me in tears! Demon god truly underestimated these kids and how deep their love for each other went. Emma's family was never going to give up looking for her because, thanks to her influence, they also didn't believe anything was impossible. “Screw destiny” indeed! (also we never did learn the old dude's name or Emma's new one hm? odd.)

Did Emma get her memories back? No. Did Ray pat her head again so I could die from nostalgia? No, because I'm still here. Did we get a fullscore hug like I originally hoped? No, sadly. The ending isn't picture perfect but honestly, this is still okay. Our precious girl is finally reunited with her family again. Most importantly, they're alive. The trio are teenagers about 15/16 years old now, which amazing since they once believed they wouldn't see a day past the age of 12. Yet here they are, living happy and free in the human world without fear and killing, which is exactly what Emma wished for.

I can't believe the manga is truly finished. It feels like it all went by so quick, but perhaps that's only because I haven't been in the fandom as long as others, like if you've been here since the manga started then I applaud you and can't imagine how sad this must be after four years. The anime is what caught my attention and my love for this series only grew when I jumped into the manga right after season one ended. I must have binged all available chapters at the time in like three days, all the way up to ch129. Since then I've waited patiently week after week to see how this suspenseful story would pan out for out lovable and very large cast of characters. Each new twist and cliffhanger made my brain crazy and stressed me out but it was so great to experience them with everyone.

Also, big thanks to all of you who share your comments on these reviews of mine! Even though I started writing them pretty late into the story and at the most stressful time, it was great to hear so much feedback and experience the exciting finish with everyone. The manga may have ended, but don't let that make the fandom quiet! We still have future manga volume releases to look forward to, the live-action movie that is still set for this December along with a live-action series that was also recently announced. Most importantly, season two of the anime is still scheduled for January 2021! You can bet I'll do reactions for each episode as I normally do with other anime! The series still has so much more content to give us, especially if the anime continues to recieve future seasons over the upcoming years, so of course I'll give my thoughts on all that I can.

I give all my thanks and appreciation to Shirai & Demizu for such a wonderful and suspenseful story, for all the memorable characters and the stunning artwork. The series has truly become my favorite. That's right, I said it! My favorite. TPN has taken over Black Lagoon as my favorite series. (Revy can still keep her spot as my favorite character but I'll be damned if Ray isn't a really really close second.)

[lazyevaluationranch]

I was wondering if you would be willing to share the titles of your resilience-inspiring lesbian farm books? My google search led me to a book titled “Attack of the Lesbian Farmers” which, while certainly inspiring, is not exactly what I was looking for.

Here are two very different books in the Farm Lesbians Write Honestly About What Went Wrong And How They Got Through It genre. Hopefully at least one is to your taste.

It's nearly fifty years old now, and can be hard to find, but Country Women: A Handbook for the New Farmer is deeply important to me. Country Women was a black and white xeroxed magazine written by a collective of woman-run farms in California in the 1960s. (There are some issues scanned at the Lesbian Poetry Archive). Each issue was half articles about feminism and half articles about small-scale farming. In the 1970s, the how-to articles on farming were expanded and organized to make the book, along with some scattered journal entries, lovely hippie-style line drawings and poetry about wood splitting, bees, and gazing at one's beloved while fixing the tractor on a summer day. The contributors have names like Jean and Ruth Mountaingrove, Ellen Chanterelle, and Sam♀ Thomas. 

It's written in an informal and pragmatic style, mostly organic hippie farming, but using pesticides or conventional medications when necessary.

This afternoon the Anderson brothers began teaching me how to graft fruit trees - the careful joining of life with life. Even more than I loved gaining a new skill, I loved learning from two old men who have so very much to teach me. I admire the audacity of eighty-three-year-old men setting grafts that will not bear fruit for years: the total involvement in a process they love. Those trees will stand and live; I doubt whether Jake or Fred even stop to wonder if they'll pick the fruit. I want to live my life with that kind of harmony and purpose. I want to be planting seeds the day I die.

The first lamb was born today. Premature and dead. Olivia, the mother, seems to be all right though. I had a dream a few weeks ago that the lambs were born tiny (like mice) and pink. And that I struggled to save them, but they were too small to feed. The lamb today was small and pink, its fleece plastered against its body, thin and sparse. For a moment it was nightmareishly like my dream... This is my first animal death. The beginning of a long cycle. It seems even harder to have death come before life, than to have an old one die giving birth. Hopes for the future stillborn.

Driving home today, I suddenly realized that this really is going to be a sheep ranch, that I have done, and am doing, and will do it. That I'm making my livelihood from the land. The canyon is fenced now. There are  sheep out there on pastures that were open hillsides two years ago. 

The very act of building this place, the simple actions of tamping dirt, stretching wire, dumping hay in feeders, has profoundly changed my sense of self. I'm doing things I never dreamed I could do, and I'm doing them easily without even considering whether I really can. Last night I was talking with Susan about fencing the front meadow for feeder calves, and I realized that I could say that realistically, no fantasizing, no bragging: I can fence the front meadow as soon as I get done with the hay barn and get a little more money.

Like almost every other farmer in America today, I'm in debt and hoping for a good season. I'm only at the beginning now, and I know there are many struggles to come and overcome and come again: Someday I too, like my neighbours, will be counting carcasses killed by a marauding dog or watching the spring oats be wash away in an "unheard of" late storm. No matter how prepared I am, there us always that vulnerability - to the weather, other animals, disease - that seems to strike when things are finally going smoothly. But inside me there is also this incredible joy: This life is real and good, and it has made me strong and real and good too. 

I gotta stop or I'll type the whole book into this post. One more: 

My father is here this week ... working on the truck whose engine has been alien to me. I am learning now what I could have learned at 7, 11, 15. Beneath my truck, side by side, lie his seven-year-old son and his twenty-five-year-old daughter, both of us learning for the first time how bearings fit together, how to remove pistons. And here beneath this truck the patriarchy stops: he has passed his knowledge to his daughter, and from me  it will pass to sisters, from sister to sister to sister. 

That's this book. The things women weren't supposed to know in the sixties. They found people to teach them; they taught each other; they learned through bitter loss. The book says: we have gone before you and you are not alone. Here is what we have learned, and here is how we have learned it. We have failed, and we have wept, and we have gotten up and gone on, and it was alright. Here is the fire, passed from hand to hand to hand. Here is the light that will never be put out. 

The week after we first got goats, we received a package in the mail from my coolest relative, a veterinarian who was the first woman to graduate with a specialization in large animal medicine at her school. People thought that women just weren't physically capable of handling large animals. (Hint: the bull weights 1100 kilograms. It doesn't much matter if the veterinarian weighs 50 kilograms or 150 kilograms.) I remember staying with her a child, in summer, laying on the stainless steel operating table in the barn; it always felt cool when the heat was unbearable.

The package, of course, contained Country Women. An old well-loved copy, with notes on long-ago calving dates penciled in the margins, and random scraps of paper with sketches of possible gardens and goat sheds as bookmarks.  A light passed from hand to hand, a light that will not go out. It was like receiving a video game quest artifact.

Country Women is rooted in second wave feminism, which is not everyone's cup of tea. For something more modern and story-focussed, consider Hit By A Farm or Sheepish by Catherine Friend. These are collections of short, funny autobiographical essays about farming and relationships. Their tone is honest and wry, self-deprecating. You can see Catherine Friend's blog here and decide if you like her writing style. She wanted to call Hit By A Farm "Sheep Sex and Other Disasters" but her editor didn't think it would sell. 

In Hit By A Farm, Catherine - a professional writer - goes along with her partner Melissa's lifelong desire to ranch sheep, and describes the results from the perspective of the slightly reluctant farmer's wife as they start a farm in Minnesota.  Sheepish is written fifteen years later, when they're thinking about quitting the farm, after all the shiny newness of farming and the relationship has worn off. There are different mistakes then, different sorrows, and new joys. 

From Sheepish: 

We rarely pay attention to middles. Perhaps we ignore them because they're problematic. The middles of our beds often sag. The middles of our bodies sag. The middle of a long story told by your brother-in-law is likely to sag, and so you'll need another beer to stay focused. Everyone needs a reason to keep going when they're in the middle. 

And:

Don't expect a farm to fix your life, for once the romance dims, you must still muck out the barn and stack hay bales and give that sick goat an enema...Although there are tons of stories about starting something new, there just aren't that many about how to keep doing something, about how to slog through the middle when the going gets tough.

The quotes are all from Sheepish; I can't find our copy of Hit By A Farm:

My spinning wheel continues to torture and confound me. I realize I'm not interested enough in the craft to really commit to learning it. After a few more tries, I tuck the wheel into a corner of our living room and turn it into what Melissa likes to call a Dust Accumulation Research Project. Clearly our wool market will continue to be the wildly unlucrative wholesale warehouse.

The patron saint of spinners is, interestingly enough, Saint Catherine. She was a Christian martyr in Alexandria. In 307 AD, she was condemned to be torn apart by the spokes of the wheel.

Well. No wonder.

Spoiler: things get pretty rough, there’s illness and hard winters and financial issues, but they do not, in fact, give up the farm or each other. 

The book says: We made it. You will too.

[hockeylvr59]

Secret Love Part 13 || Cale Makar

Requested: [ ] yes [x] no

Authors Note: Days 6 and 7 in Iceland. We’re over halfway through this vacation...are we ready for it to end or do we wish it could last forever? Thanks to @nazdaddy​ for the help with the childhood story. 

Warnings: none

Word Count: 2,102

~~~~

When you woke up with a headache the morning of Monday, June 22nd, it took you a minute to realize why your head was pounding. Oh yeah...you’d almost slipped and told Cale that you love him…

Groaning, you tugged your pillow over your head, not ready to face the daylight. Sadly though, as much as your head hurt, your stomach was protesting the lack of being fed the night before. 

“Morning beautiful.��� Cale whispered from a chair in the corner where he was looking through maps and his phone. 

“Try that again when my head doesn’t feel like it’s hosting a drum competition.” You mumbled digging through your bag for some pain relievers. 

“Sounds like we should get you some breakfast…” Cale murmured softly. 

“Yes please.” You requested, burying your head against Cale’s chest as he moved to hug you. “Probably shouldn’t have passed out before dinner…” You sighed, popping two pills before swallowing them with a bottle of water Cale handed you. 

Thankfully, by the time you’d eaten a full breakfast, your headache had subsided a good deal, enough that you felt like you could follow through with Cale’s plans for the day even if he assured you that you didn’t have to. 

A bumpy hour long drive (which would not have been possible without 4-wheel drive) later you reached Dettifoss Waterfall. You were absolutely astounded by the number of waterfalls on this island because it seemed like everywhere you went there was another one. This one boasted the reputation of being the most powerful waterfall in Europe and as you watched an immense volume of water go crashing over its edge you understood why. 

Taking more touristy pictures for your parents, you, for what felt like the thousandth time, climbed back into the car. Another hour and a half drive took you to the coastal village of Husavik. 

“I think you’ll enjoy this next activity.” Cale declared as you climbed out of the car. 

“Yeah?” You inquired, cocking your head. “What are we doing?” 

“Whale watching?” Cale replied, a bright grin on his face. 

“Are you serious?” You exclaimed. 

“Well hopefully? I mean the whales will have to cooperate.” Cale shrugged. “But it’s supposed to be a pretty cool experience.” 

“Let’s go!” Your excitement only continued to grow as you checked in with the tour company, dressed yourself in the overalls they provided, and made your way onto the boat. 

As you waited for the tour to start, Cale handed you a set of pills and a bottle of water. 

“I forgot these when we went to the lagoon but I think you might need them today. With your headache this morning, seasickness might hit a little easier.” Cale explained. 

Taking the pills, you swallowed them before kissing Cale lightly. Even you forgot about your proclivity for seasickness most of the time, so the fact that Cale remembered and had brought motion sickness pills kind of blew you away. 

Your families had been on a cruise together when you were 15 and Cale was 11. You’d always been fine out on the lake but the moment you were on a boat in the open ocean for the first time you became sick as a dog. You spent more than half the cruise in bed, and had only gotten through the other half by popping motion sickness pills as frequently as you were allowed. Cale had stuck by your side, watching movies while you slept against his shoulder and refusing to go do anything if you weren’t feeling up to it. It had been one of the last times you’d spent such an extended amount of time together until recently, but it had also been so long ago that you were shocked Cale remembered. 

“Thank you.” You breathed, squeezing his knee as the tour guide started to give a quick safety briefing before the boat headed out into the bay. For about an hour you continued out before finally the boat came to a stop for at least the moment. It took some patience but eventually your tour guide pointed your attention to some moving figures out to the left side of the boat. 

“Dolphins Cale...those are dolphins!” You blurted out. They were absolutely beautiful and you certainly hadn’t expected to see them. They didn’t stay in the vicinity of the boat long but shortly after they left, off to the right the flick of a whale’s tail sent water flying. The boat moved a little closer and you were able to see the whale surface again, water pushed out of the blowhole as it took in air. 

Two more whales made an appearance while you were out in the bay, one fully breaching the water before diving back under. It was a surreal experience...one you were certain you would never forget. You weren’t sure if you or Cale were able to get any decent photos but honestly that didn’t matter much to you because you just wanted to enjoy the moment you were in. 

By the time you started heading back to shore, your seasickness had started to catch up with you. Land was a welcome sight at that point and as Cale helped you off the boat, he helped you steady yourself before assisting you in getting out of your overalls. 

“Let’s get some more food in you sweetheart.” Cale led you over to a restaurant for lunch and then the two of you just walked around the village until most of the unpleasantness you were feeling had passed. 

“Was that worth the pain?” Cale questioned as he opened the car door for you. 

“100%.” You replied, kissing him gently. “That was something I think I’ll remember forever so thank you.” 

“Anything for you.” Cale stated offhandedly, but the look in his eyes suggested he really meant it. “So the only other thing on the itinerary is another waterfall...do you want to go, or just head back to the hotel?” 

“Would you mind if we just go back to the hotel?” You murmured. 

“Not at all.” Cale assured you. Like those days on the cruise where seasickness got the best of you, you spent your evening curled into Cale’s side just watching tv. You’d come so far from the kids you were back then and you knew if you’d told your 15 year old self that someday you’d be in love with that gangly boy who had rubbed your back while you cried because you were missing everything, she certainly wouldn’t have believed you. Though Cale was a man who had grown into his body and not a gangly kid anymore, he was still the kind, compassionate, beautiful soul that he was a decade ago and the way he cares for you has only grown. 

____

It was hard to believe that you had been in Iceland for an entire week. It was flying by so fast and the closer you got to the end of your vacation, the less you wanted to leave. This time alone with Cale was so wonderful and the thought of going home to where you didn’t wake up beside him everyday made your stomach twist uncomfortably. 

“I can hear the gears in your head turning.” Cale declared as his lips pressed against the back of your neck and his arms pulled you closer to his body in bed. “Everything okay?” 

“Just thinking about how I don’t want this to end…” You admitted, snuggling closer. 

“Me either.” Cale agreed. 

Neither of you seemed to be in a rush to climb out of bed. In fact, you just laid there enjoying being in Cale’s arms for nearly half an hour before your body protested the stillness and forced you to get up and stretch. Even when you did get up, Cale was quick to follow and as you got ready for the day he was by your side, the two of you moving around each other with a practiced ease. 

Though you didn’t really have a strict agenda, there had been so much to see and do or so much driving ahead of you that it felt like you had to keep moving or you’d fall behind. Today though felt nothing like that. You took your time at breakfast before heading just a few minutes down the road to the Dimmuborgir lava fields. 

Walking around the volcanic structures, you held Cale’s free hand as he took pictures with his phone in the other. 

From there it was another quick drive to Hverir, a fumarole field with boiling mud pits. The smell of sulfur was expected this time and though you didn’t love it, it didn’t bother you as much as it had at Geysir. You’d never known that so many different environments could exist so close together until this trip and it was mind-boggling to experience all of them in such short succession. 

Having checked off the majority of Cale’s list for the day by lunch time, you headed back to the hotel to eat and grab swimsuits. From there you headed over to the Myvatn Nature Baths, another hot spring. 

Honestly, you’d enjoyed the Blue Lagoon but you and Cale had both been so tired from everything else that you were really looking forward to just spending as long as you liked relaxing this time. 

Checking in, you parted to change again and after quickly showering you pulled on your suit, wondering if Cale would flip over this one like he had the last. His eyes went wide, but he wasn’t quite as speechless as before as he pulled you close. 

“Sunflowers for my sunshine…I see what you did there.” He grinned. Though it was the middle of the day, the nature baths were significantly quieter and less crowded than the Blue Lagoon had been and it made you feel more comfortable swimming close to Cale, perching yourself right beside him as he found a spot to lounge. 

After a while, you settled into a small pool with alcoholic beverages, leaning against Cale’s side. 

“This is perfect.” You murmured. As much as you loved exploring, you were basking in just being, not having to do anything or go anywhere. Cale’s fingers brushed lightly against your hip and you draped one leg over his knee as you turned to kiss him gently. “Maybe I should look into a hot tub for the backyard.” You mused. “Iceland has spoiled me and I’m not sure I’m going to want to swim in anything colder than this ever again.” 

“I mean...I’m not going to talk you out of that…” Cale chuckled. “It may not be the most practical decision, but we could certainly have some fun with it.” 

“Head out of the gutter Mr. Makar.” You giggled. “Do you think about anything but sex lately?” 

“Can’t help myself around you…” Cale shrugged, pressing a light kiss to your nose. “But that should be obvious considering I’ve had more sex with you in the month we’ve been together than in my entire 3 year long previous relationship.” 

“My gain…” You replied. You were never going to apologize for wanting to have sex with him. Nor were you going to apologize for the fact that the sex was really good and getting better every time. Being physical with him felt natural and you were glad to hear that he felt the same way. 

“This is something special huh?” You breathed, taking a sip from your wine glass as you looked out across the large pool to the skyline beyond. 

“This trip? Or us?” Cale clarified, finishing off his beer before setting the empty glass off to the side. 

“Both...but mainly us.” You whispered. 

“Yeah beautiful...this is something special.” Cale agreed. “A year ago, I never would have imagined how good things could be...being with my best friend. Now I can’t imagine life any other way.” 

As your eyes met, you couldn’t help but feel there was something left unsaid, but as he kissed you, you felt the weight of those unspoken words deep within you. 

“I can’t either.” You murmured as your lips pulled back from his. 

Breaking the intense moment, you moved to the larger pool, swimming around until you and Cale were both ready to leave. 

Today had been a wonderful day...you felt relaxed and closer to Cale in every way. Though you would leave the Northern coast of Iceland behind in the morning, in a way you were taking a piece of it with you in the form of memories that you hoped would last a lifetime. 

Swimsuit:

[theninjamouse]

Ocean on Fire Phantom of the Opera AU Master List (To be added to as I see fit)

Strap in, this is gonna get long. Big thanks to @thaylepo for indulging me and sending many brilliant ideas. 

This is a basic rundown and ideas that would happen at some point in the story. Obviously some things could change or be added but I’ve just got to get this down before I go nuts

Shore and Grillby were childhood friends.

Shore is the child of a wealthy business man, taught from childhood that the arts are to be treasured and appreciated

However, while she may learn instruments and dance and music, she is to take over the family business, not run away to star in the opera like she wants

Grillby's father (he has parents in this au) was a famous violinist who often was called by Shore's father to perform for parties. He wound up teaching Shore fundamentals of music

Little Grillby was a shy flame. Always trailed along behind his father, clutching his tailcoats

Shore saw the tiny elemental and decided instantly: I'm going to be his BEST FRIEND

Queue stuttering, hesitant Grillby being dragged around the manor, getting into all sorts of trouble and adventures. He's a lot more hardy than Shore is, so he rather often found himself acting as a sort of guard dog. He was utterly distraught when Shore fell and broke her arm. Shore teased him about crying because she couldn’t stand to see him so upset

They also learn music together from Grillby's father. First time Shore hears Grillby sing, she grabs his face and screams with delight until the poor little guy is fully bright blue with blushing

Then Grillby's father dies. A family friend takes Grillby away to one of the opera houses to work. Grillby and Shore are 13 and 10 at this point and have spent the last 6 years together. Shore makes Grillby promise to keep singing, to keep the spark of his father alive through music. He promises

They both wait until they are out of sight of the other to cry

Grillby cries every night for the first 3 months in the opera house. As a monster, he is bullied by many of the other students. He mourns his father's passing and he misses Shore to a near unbearable level. The only comfort he has is when he sings quietly to himself in those few moments when he is alone doing his chores

Then he hears a voice, a soft and gentle voice that asks him why such a bright flame weeps. He runs away in fear and hides in his bed

But the voice asks him again and again. 'Why does such a bright flame weep?' Slowly, over the course of a year, Grillby tells the voice his story

The voice says he is the Phantom of the opera house. Grillby thinks he sounds rather young to be a Phantom

The Phantom replies that Grillby is rather young to have such a lovely voice. He offers to teach Grillby. The fire monster agrees upon hearing the Phantom's beautiful and haunting voice

After all, he did promise

15 years pass. Shore has taken over her family business and is finally able to offer herself as a patron to an opera house that has shown remarkable growth over the years, becoming well known in the arts circles

Partially thanks to the star of the show, a humanoid robot named Mettaton. Most of the monsters we know work the show behind the scenes, so having a monster in the lead is a new leap in gaining treatment that is more fair for monster kind as performers

But Mettaton is also a diva. The day Shore arrives with new managers, he throws his tantrum and quits after a rather suspicious accident.

Shore only has eyes for the fire elemental standing frozen with the rest of the crew. She suggests letting him take the lead role. Promising that she knows he can sing.

Grillby is so quiet most assumed he couldn't even talk so naturally protests break out and Shore maybe uses her power as a patron to insist. 'He promised me,' is all she says, looking right at him

So he sings and everyone is stunned at the strength and grace of his voice. The managers instantly whisk him away to prepare for the show

After the show, Shore goes to his new dressing room and they fall into each other's arms. They speak of times past, of the loneliness of being apart. But when Shore says that she wants to take him out to celebrate, he hesitates. The Phantom will not be happy if he leaves, he knows this

But he agrees and she leaves to let him change

Enter in The Phantom. Showing himself for the first time, a figure in black wearing a simple white mask over his face. White hands punched through the palms. Grillby is enchanted, dazed and follows The Phantom into the tunnels under the opera house

*Music of the Night noises*

Grillby has a bit of a Crisis because he genuinely cares about Phantom and they became very close friends as much as teacher and student but this is kind of odd?? A little frightening?

Phantom sees this, backpedals real hard but hides it and sends Grillby back upstairs before falling into bed and screaming into his pillow

When Shore finds Grillby vaguely wandering back into the theater, she goes, uh??? What happened?? Were you kidnapped? I kind of stayed up all night looking for you??

Grillby, still a little in shock because what the heck just happened "Kind of?"

Now that won't STAND

Shore starts digging to find out everything she can about this opera ghost, keeping a close eye on Grillby. There is no gaslighting here folks like in versions of the story that to this day drive me crazy

As Shore digs, accidents start happening. Loose floorboards, unlatched equipment, a falling sandbag or two. Shore catches on pretty quickly what’s happening when she catches just a flash of shadow more than once right before or after these little ‘incidents’ 

Finally plants herself down in the middle of the stage and calls for the Phantom to show his face. It takes a while then she sees a shadow just barely move. He’s up in the rafters, crouched like some kind of bat

“What is your freaking deal?” 

“Why are you trying to take what’s mine?” 

“Yours? He belongs to himself you dingbat”

That makes him laugh for reasons Shore doesn’t get

Conversation happens, a lot of dodging questions, shifting blame. Phantom is oddly charming. For being an attempted murdering/kidnapping jerk

“Are you the one who keeps trying to kill me? The sandbag dropped on my head, the broken trapdoor, the spiders in my hat??”

“Oh my God, I’m not responsible for every little thing that goes wrong in this place. It’s an old building, accidents do happen. 

“The sandbag was me though.”

Grillby materializes just to smack him in the head for that

And so it goes, Grillby and Shore trying to reconnect, Grillby trying to maintain a level of friendship (and maybe more?) with Phantom and Phantom attempting various levels of accidents to get Shore to leave the theater

Until one day he finds Shore on the stage. She’s singing to an empty theater. She’s not...good exactly but...rather unpracticed. He’s startled enough that he stops his evil giggling and untwisting of the hidden trapdoor in the stage to listen. 

He comes up silently, creeping on the edges just out of sight. When he speaks, Shore shrieks and nearly falls off the stage anyway. Her blushing does a weird thing to his Soul. Like a sort of flip flopping squeeze. 

“Well, if you’re going to think yourself worthy of my Flame, you’d better have a voice to match. Let me hear you sing again.”  

Many ‘threat’ filled lessons later-

“Hmm. Maybe there’s hope for you after all” 

“Maybe there’s more to you than a creepy stalker personality.” 

Past the Point of No Return scene happens at some point. I don’t make the rules

Also Phantom and Shore have a sword fight that maybe starts out as anger fueled but rather quickly changes to a pent up Feelings kind of deal

Grillby’s concern is quick to fade and he watches the two idiots dance around each other, wondering why exactly they don’t see how much they actually do like each other. 

It’s also at this moment he realizes fully that he loves them both

“Well shoot, I love these two morons and they love each other but won’t admit it. This is going to be very ‘fun’ to sort out”

Eventually, Shore asks for Phantom’s name. 

“My name...died with the person I was long ago.” 

“Maybe it’s time you reclaim it.” 

His name is Wing Dings Gaster and for countless years he was held by the Void. He doesn’t fully remember how he escaped, nor what he looked like before. All he knows is that his face is broken with terrible cracks and skeletal in only the vaguest sense with a body that ebbs and flows with darkness. When he first stumbled back into the light after the darkness of the Void, people screamed and ran from him. Or worse, they chased him, calling him an omen of death. So he retreated down below the theater and resigned himself to always be a watcher and made a mask to cover his face. 

He was alone for years until he heard young Grillby crying in a corner and sat as close as he dared. It took a while for him to gain the courage to speak to the elemental

Given the fluid nature of his body, it’s easy for him to change his voice to sing. It’s the only part of himself that he can see as holding any worth. 

Grillby was his only source of socialization and he’s terrified of losing him, which makes Phantom a tad bit clingy with some pretty severe separation anxiety 

Phantom is a sad, sad boy who needs a lot of hugs and therapy

Shore is kind to him despite it all (and despite the irritation at the ‘death threats’) 

Phantom finally admits that she was never in any actual danger because he might be a messed up guy but he’s not a murderer. He might have even nudged her out of the way with blue magic a few times to make sure she wasn’t hurt.

Eventually Phantom realizes he no longer wants her to leave. He wants to stand with her and Grillby. He wants to be a better monster but he doesn’t know how to do that so kind of retreats into his lair 

Grillby and Shore have to track him down. And queue the heart to heart, the great Crying Session, the Unmasking or whatever you wanna call it

And they all live an OT3 happy ending, the end

[prettywordsyouleft]

Forsaken | Part 5

Summary: As one of the Forsaken, Jinyoung had no right to covet anything as his own. When he stumbles across you standing in the middle of the village he had plundered, the memories of old make him risk it all, clutching at the past in hopes for a better future.

Pairing: Park Jinyoung x reader

Genre: warrior au / star crossed lovers / angst / romance

Warnings: death, kidnapping, cursing, a myriad of emotions - this is a really sad love story.

Index: Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 

“You’re a fool.”

Looking at the young man strung up beside him facing the same miserable fate as he now held, Jinyoung couldn’t help but scoff. “You are aware we’re both in this together, right?”

“I knew they would come for me one day. You, however, think you’re still protecting that girl and all those townspeople,” he mentioned with a hollow laugh. “You’re a fool, like I said.”

“Have you no hope in this world?”

“Why should I? No one has ever looked out for me once.”

Jinyoung glanced down at his clothing and then that of the young man beside him. There was a stark difference between the worn, tattered pants and shirt he wore to Jinyoung’s cleaner, newer outfit. Sighing, he wondered if you hadn’t saved him years back if he would be in a similar situation to the fellow prisoner, or worse off.

Jinyoung nodded sadly. “Is it bad to be a fool?”

“Only if you don’t wisen up to the way people use you. That girl really made you forget who you are, didn’t she?”

“Do you have a name?” Jinyoung asked and the man shrugged. “Mine’s Jinyoung. I was gifted my name by the person who led me to have hope.”

“And now you’re here and she’s back there. Doesn’t that anger you?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “Not if it keeps her safe.”

The man mumbled under his breath incoherently and then turned to look at Jinyoung. “How did she give you a name?”

“Part of it was from where she found me. The rest she gave me. Do you want one too?”

Thinking for only a moment, the man gave a short nod. Glancing around the surroundings as they trudged towards the closest camp for their kind, Jinyoung spotted a circus wagon abandoned in the nearest field. He then looked to the sign outside the farmstead they passed. He grinned. “Jaebum.”

“What does it mean?”

Jinyoung frowned, gesturing his head in one direction and the next. “Jae and Sons from the wagon. And Eunbum Estate. That’s how it works.”

“That’s how those people name one another?”

Jinyoung nodded. “That’s how I got my name.”

“Jaebum,” he repeated, looking at Jinyoung, smiling for the first time along their journey. “It looks like I might become a fool much like you.”

“Being a fool paid off,” Jaebum mentioned the following morning as he stopped at Jinyoung’s side, the pair watching as you helped with hanging out the washing. His friend’s sentence irked him, Jinyoung clenching his jaw momentarily. Jaebum noticed and clapped him on the back. “You need to relax. We both know they played us over the safety of that town. We stupidly did as they told us, mere puppets on a string, when their promises were as empty as our pockets remained. By some sort twist of fate, she lived. Isn’t that something to celebrate?”

“At the cost of all she knows and this wretched Rebellion. Doesn’t that bother you?”

Jaebum shook his head. “Not while I’m here. It just feels like a peaceful settlement.”

“Except all the men here are owned by the Rebellion.”

“We’re going to break free,” Jaebum proposed and Jinyoung looked at the man smiling at Youngjae running with the stray dog that had chosen this place as its home recently. “We’ll take the ones we care for the most and we’ll leave to someplace else entirely.”

“Nowhere,” Jinyoung murmured. He chuckled before nudging Jaebum. “Now who sounds like a fool?”

“Someone told me a long time ago being a fool isn’t a bad thing if you remain wise about your situation.”

“Wait, wasn’t that you who told me that?” Jinyoung corrected as Jaebum started towards the gathering of people.

He glanced over his shoulder, grinning mischievously. “Sounds like I’ve always been wise then!”

“And I’m still a fool?!” Jinyoung griped, dashing off towards Jaebum and shoving him playfully.

As his longest friend in this world, Jinyoung knew he could count on Jaebum to do anything with him. After hearing about your parents and the tragedy he had fooled himself not to believe could have happened all this time, he had gone to Jaebum to announce the need to leave the Rebellion. Dead or alive, he wanted out and wondered if Jaebum was along for the ride.

He needn’t question it; Jinyoung knew all of the names that came to mind would follow him into the depths of hell if he requested it.

Staring over at you now laughing at something Jackson said, Jinyoung chewed on his bottom lip. Would you follow him as well? He was used to leading his men all these years, but there was once a time where it was you who motivated his actions.

You still held that power over him too.

“You’re here,” you commented when you noticed his arrival in the back field, waving lightly. Jinyoung raised his hand in greeting, feeling shy when the others teased him for it. Taking his hand, you led Jinyoung away from the jeers and sat him down at one of the communal tables. You didn’t let go of him, instead played with yet another of his scars on the palm of his hand.

“Don’t do that,” he mumbled and you stopped to examine his expression. He could feel his ears growing hotter and ducked his head away. “Don’t trace my battle scars. I deserve each one of them.”

“You probably do,” you agreed softly and he glanced at you again. “Did they hurt?”

“Some.”

“Do they still hurt now?” He shook his head and you let out a shaky breath. “Some of them look like they would have been painful to receive so I worried that you-”

“You’re adapting to this world too easily, you know,” he blurted out, blinking with some of the sudden emotion he felt. You dropped your hand away and made no effort to respond. “It scares me.”

“Why?”

“You should hate it here. This isn’t a life I wanted for you.”

“Do you think I wanted this for you as well? It’s out of our hands.”

“Is it?”

“Jinyoung, you became a soldier of the Rebellion because of that day, didn’t you?” you questioned and he grew tense, pulling his arm back. You reached over to stop his retreat entirely, gripping at his hand for answers. “You seemed so surprised over my parents and the townspeople. I put it together with some of the information I sourced from Jackson and-”

“Jackson talks too much,” he grumbled and you tilted your head to the side exasperatedly. “What he does!”

“Well, at least one of you talks! It’s refreshing to have someone who isn’t afraid to tell me what this world is like and not treat me as if I’m a fragile doll who might break!”

Jinyoung went to respond, opening his mouth, only to close it again when he thought better of it.

It made you smile smugly. “See, you can’t even tell me the-”

“I had to steal a crown from the castle. Jaebum and I. If we got the crown, we’d be able to save the town and you. This was done three months after I left, which means they played us entirely.”

You gasped noisily. “You stole a crown?!”

“That’s the least of my sins, Y/N.”

“What else have you done that…” Your voice trailed off then, finally looking up at him, a sombre expression shifting away from your surprise. “Right, you’ve done a lot.”

“It’s not protecting you from a vicious truth that I don’t talk about it,” he replied, sighing a little. “I just don’t like to think of what I’ve done. One foot in front of the other. Until you returned to my life, I didn’t let myself think of the past, not even once.”

“You’re lying,” you whispered, tears welling within your eyes. “Tell me you’re lying.”

“Would it ease you if I had? Why think of a world full of hope when the one I live in had nothing of the sort within it?”

“I thought of you every day. I talked to you as I did the most mundane of daily chores. I wished for you to be beside me like today, putting out washing on the line to dry in the sun. To make a living together, eat together, and fall asleep together. Every day I thought of how doing that with you would make it worth living on. You’re lying, you have to be! You’ve thought of me over the years, Jinyoung. It’s why you’re still alive. Hope? You had it all along. If you had lost it, you wouldn’t be on this Earth. You wouldn’t kill anyone but yourself had you lost it.”

“Enough,” he stated, getting up from the table. “I don’t want to think about it.”

“Scared you might share more with me than you want to?” you countered and Jinyoung paused in his retreat to stare at you.

He disliked how easily you were unravelling all the sections within him he had worked hard over the years to pack away into the corner of his mind, allowing him to focus on the task at hand. If you continued to pull at the strings and loosen off each part of him, it would become dangerous.

He was already born reckless; he didn’t need to have you encouraging it.

Deciding he had spoken with you long enough, he walked away hastily, heading to his home to escape the sunny world you had brought into this camp.

“Do you think if you walk away from me that I’ll stop talking?!” you exclaimed, stalking after his retreating back. Jinyoung groaned loudly. He needed space from you right now.

You weren’t prepared to give it, however.

“Jinyoung, Jinyoung, Jinyoung!”

“Y/N, please!” he implored, turning to face you and throwing his hands up in defeat. “You’re never going to stop are you?!”

“No, because when people fight they ought to resolve it!”

“Can’t you see I’m mad with you and need time to cool off first?”

“I’m mad with you also!” you proclaimed, marching past him, and taking the path around the back of the house towards the lake.

Cursing under his breath, he jogged after you, finding you stripping off your outer garments with vigour. He stopped at your side and let out another curse. “Put your clothes back on!”

“Why? I’m mad with you and need to cool off!”

“That water is far too cold right now for you to enter.”

“Then I shall cool off faster!” you snapped back, kicking off your skirt.

“You’re impossible!”

“That’s what I think of you right now!”

“Don’t enter that water.”

You smirked darkly, stepping back towards it. “Why should I listen, you wouldn’t when I said don’t walk away.”

“Y/N, come on, stop!”

You took another step towards it, your heels now within the muddy entrance. You grimaced at the cold surface yet made no attempt to back down. Jinyoung ran a hand through his hair in frustration and as you went to take another step backwards, he lurched towards you, pulling you firmly into his embrace.

“What are you doing?” you mumbled, now less brazen in tone. “This isn’t cooling me down any.”

“You’re like ice to touch,” he pointed out just as softly, holding you as close as he could to his body. “I need to warm you up.”

You stared back at him before crashing your lips upon his, kissing one another until the argument was all forgotten.

You approached him a few hours later, surprising Jinyoung with how long you had managed to wait. A wry smile attached to his lips then, waiting for your reaction.

He wasn’t as prepared as he expected himself to be.

Your arms wound around his back from the stool he sat upon, nestling into him. The book he held fell to the desk with a thud.

Jinyoung was certain his heart was beating just as loudly in his chest. “W-What are you doing?”

“You’re all I have left,” you stated in a voice barely louder than a whisper and Jinyoung swallowed roughly. “It amazes me that I can touch you now after all these years and you don’t turn into dust within my grasp.”

“One day I-”

“Together,” you mentioned firmly and Jinyoung turned around to face you. You blinked back your tears. “We’re not parting again, okay? We either live or die together.”

_________________

Part 6

All rights reserved © prettywordsyouleft

[GOT7 Masterlist] | [Main Masterlist] | [Request Guidelines]

[allie1804-fan]

Kerensa Part 2

This is a continuation of Kerensa which you can find here:

Kerensa (Part 1)

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5 , Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 12, Chapter 13

Chapter 1

Settling down

On their return to Sennen, they decided to stay until the end of October which would give Kerry time to make plans for the cottage. Then they would return, either at Christmas or New Years, to see her sister and her family.

Day to day, life living together was comfortable - they each found the other easy to live with and she was relieved to find that he was a tidy person and didn’t expect her to do all the heavy lifting on domestic tasks which had been a bone of contention with her ex. She did do most of the cooking though as that wasn’t his forte, however he had taught himself a little during his time in lockdown and also in Cornwall given you can’t eat out so easily there as in LA. His forte was definitely sandwiches for lunchtimes - he could wax lyrical about sandwich choices and creation and he could rustle up a couple of pasta dishes his sister had taught him as well as cook a mean steak.

They had a chat about pet peeves to try and head off issues, from the possibly trivial (like no coming in for a pee while I’m in the bath (they had 2 toilets in the house after all) to getting a cleaner and then more fundamental issues like phone privacy, honesty, not sleeping on an argument and so on.

After a couple of weeks, she commented that living together felt good and easy and she admitted how nervous she’d been, after Tresco, that they would be brought back to reality with a bump with the day to day of living together. He warned her it might not be so great when he’s filming.

“I can get a bit obsessive, reclusive. You’ll have to call me on it if I neglect you but I will try not to turn in on myself. But I also used to take on projects more I think to fill my life, I feel now I should get even more picky, now that there’s something, well someone else worth spending time on!”

Kerry had already given up waitressing due to the writing needing more time, so they often split their time between Cornwall and London where he could take meetings and do PR or press if needed while there and she would see her agent and publisher. They established a rhythm of 4 days working and 3 off for leisure and trips back in Cornwall or elsewhere. She took him to Lords to see a cricket test match, laughing as she tried to explain the intricacies of the game. Being a sports guy, he enjoyed it despite the occasional confusion at what was going on!

Another trip was to Oxford, where he’d discovered she studied at university. Their early lives had never come up in conversation til one evening they were watching an old episode of “Inspector Morse” which she said she loved.

“Reminds me of student days”

“Huh? You studied …… there?”

“Yup” she grinned at his amazement. “Don’t you think I’m clever enough?!” her eyes sparkled with mischief.

“No, god, no I mean yes!” he garbled “it’s not that, it’s just wouldn’t that be, you know like one of your highlights you drop in, you know, to impress!”

She giggled.

“Well I guess it wasn’t like that with us was it? Neither of us was trying to impress, and educational or other achievements never came up otherwise you’d have been telling me about all the A list directors who’ve chased you to work with them or how many millions you’ve made or how you were the internet’s boyfriend!”

“Stop, stop, ok, you know all that stuff?”

She nodded yes. “You only have to read one or two decent articles to get all that info you know!”

“OK but anyway back to you, so wow, Oxford!”

She told him how she’d studied English at St Catherine’s, one of the modern colleges (well, one that was built in the 1960s not the 1560’s!) and it favoured a more state school intake than the likes of Christchurch or Magdalen where old Etonians gravitated.

“But I still got to go to tutorials in the dreaming spires parts so it was a wonderful experience. We should go, on the way back from London next week. I’ll give you the tour.”

They fitted in a visit, staying at the Randolph Hotel as a treat for Kerry. She explained to him that it was always there that the well-to-do murderers in Morse episodes had stayed and it was totally central in the city too. He donned a beanie and shades to try and keep a little anonymity as they strolled around the city and she used her alumni card to get free access to some of the splendid college gardens.

There was some publicity while they were there due to fans spotting him in a pub where he’d taken his beanie and sunglasses off while they sat to eat. A small crowd had gathered as they’d left and at first it was fine, just taking selfies but when Kerry got jostled by an overzealous fan, Keanu nearly lost it, starting to drag her away but she stopped him.

“Look, don’t punish the nice guys for that one idiot. Leave her out but I’ll just go sit out of the way for a sec while you do your thing”

“You sure?” She nodded and he went back to the gathered fans, taking selfies for about 15 minutes. The rude fan stalked off when he pointedly ignored her.

“Phew that was a bit intense,” she said afterwards. It’s like news of your presence spread like wildfire!”

“Yeah took me a little off guard too. I mean usually, it only happens in airports or hotels when people get wind you are there due to an event, not so much day to day, at least not a crowd like that. Look try not to worry.” he reassured. Fortunately, the rest of their stay there passed without incident.

He’d already told Cheryl that he and Kerry were now an item and warned Kerry that at some point there might be pictures in the press and some intrusion. After that incident, she also talked to her literary agent and publishers - they were pleased, only saying the attention could be positive for her book but she hoped it wouldn’t distract or appear like she was using him. After all, she’d been pursuing her writing long before she even met him.

Before they left the UK, they made a visit to see her sister and her partner and kids. Kerry loved to see how well he got on with her brother-in-law and niece and nephew and how readily they just accepted him as her partner. But her sister couldn’t help but be worried about her younger sibling. In a quiet moment in the kitchen over breakfast, she said

“I can see he loves you, god those puppy dog eyes gazing at you last night - how do you get anything done?! But I do worry about you going away to America for long spells. Won’t you be horribly isolated, lonely even?”

“I’ll be fine” she reassured “I’ll still have my writing to do and Scout, and we have each other. It will take some getting used to, sure, but it’s just a change of location really. It’s not like I see my friends that often anyway in person. Cornwall might as well be LA if you think about how unwilling most people have been to visit me since I moved!”

@fortheloveoffanfic @kindainlovewithkeanu @omg-imagine @keanureevesisbae @penwieldingdreamer @paperplanesandwallflowers @witty-wallflower @karlee1225 @bitchyslut99 @toomanystoriessolittletime @ladyreapermc @kissmyromanticquote @tacticalchics @utterlynuts @kylosbitch @thebigbubowski @thelightnessofthebeing @donakamark @gatsbynouvel @keanuficfiles @fanficsrusz @jardaniswife @cheezbort @mazzylana97 @maggiemoo1892 @girlfriday007 @siriussnape07 @yomnaislame @soarocks @fadingkideclipseempath @franny-banks-world @keanulowe @babylovejongin @lucky134ever @jasmindaughteroftheworld @tomorrowsanotherday @fokinqueen @littlefreya @leftyreea @wheretheriversrunintothesea @iworshipkeanureeves ' @ficsnroses @fickenstein @popacherryvisitalibrary @aah8903 @thethirstyarchive @cynic-spirit @australianpsychos @meetmeinthematinee@fics-not-tragedies

[astarlightmonbebe]

mouse: eps 1&2

mouse debuted this week - and i have a lot of thoughts after watching both episodes, which i’ll be going over below (also because my memory is so bad that if i don’t write it down i’ll forget all my theories lol)

though the timeline of this drama was initially a little confusing, i think it all fit together nicely, though it certainly left me with a lot of questions

right off the bat, the drama establishes the main topic of psychopathy, and even though it is initially about genetics, we can see that the main theme will also be the environment (i.e. the old nature and nurture debate)

anyways: questions 

who is jae hoon? - is jae hoon han seojoon’s son? or is he the son of the other woman, the pregnant one seojoon’s wife, jieun, met? i mean, there’s definitely a reason the mom’s face is blurred when she tried to strangle him. however, i would find it extremely unlikely that jieun every remarried...

we know that jae hoon grew up to become the murderer. we know he killed his (adopted?) family (all of them, i guess? and the mom?), though he wasn’t found guilty of it (because he’s a psychopath - of course he can lie, he wouldn’t feel guilty about it at all lol).

i was under the assumption that it was the doctor (dr. sung), especially since we get his narration (i’m assuming) at the end of episode two (’my mother told me there was one other child...’), but then i got confused again so who knows. 

i will be shocked if bareum is actually jae hoon - like it would be good - but also his character is so nice so far. but then again, han seojoon seemed like a perfectly nice house husband until he cut off people’s heads and made them into snowmen so. 

han seojoon’s son - the end of episode two establishes it as the doctor, sung yohan, which makes sense - he shares jieun’s last name, after all. however, is he the same as his father? he seems to be aware of his psychopathy gene, or at least that’s the vibe i got, as he wasn’t shocked to find out who his father was. 

however, i will say the drama is set up to put bareum as seojoon’s son, with muchi’s whole crusade to find han seojoon’s son and then ruin his life (angsty partnership & betrayal? right up my alley), and then the two of them becoming partners. 

idk! i feel like i’m trying to work out a very complicated math equation (jae hoon? han seojoon’s son? sung yohan? jung bareum? help).

we know jieun wanted to abort her child, while the other woman said she was going to raise her child and believe in their goodness. jieun obviously didn’t abort - and i assumed she would give her child up for adoption so they could live a different life - but it seems she did keep the child. idk, i feel like if she kept the child she would try and make them different, so??

i wouldn’t put it pass the drama to have baby mix-up bewitchery either though, or some adoption thing. 

the girl who lured song soojung - right now i’m operating under the assumption that the girl is the reporter who knows gu muchi, choi hongju (kyung soojin’s character!). when they went to the gym and muchi pointed out the boxing gloves, she did stare at them for a long time, and we know she saw them in the bag when soojung gave them to her to hold.

(i am also assuming the girl grew up to become one of the characters in the present, probably a main one, as it wouldn’t make much sense for not to be)

that also brings the question of how the girl met han seojoon to begin with, and what happened to her after. did he take her with him? i’m confused.

oh bong yi’s identity - is she someone we know? i’ve seen people mention they think she might be the younger sister from jae hoon’s family, though i’m not sure if the ages match up (possibly, assuming it was like 10-15 years later after jae hoon killed his family) and we did assume he killed both his siblings. but the trauma about the dog might make sense.

if not that, then i wonder if her trauma is going to be connected to the main plot at all...

idk much yet, though i just hope there won’t be any romance between her and bareum because then i would have no choice but to drop the drama lol. 

general thoughts (again) -

what happened to the heads of the rest of the headhunter’s victims? like they found muchi’s parents’ heads, but there were eighteen other victims...he obviously brought those two home, but what did he do with the rest of the heads?

the psychopathy gene for the 1% is said to be able to be activated. however, jae hoon was different since he was a young kid (e.g. having the urge to harm animals) and such. is it possible for someone with the psychopathy gene to not do that when they’re a child?

which also brings me to the thought that jae hoon acted out because he grew up being told he was different, meanwhile bareum is ‘normal’ (maybe, if he’s not jae hoon secretly) because he doesn’t know he has a psychopath, and the gene will be activated sometime during the drama.

they also said 1% of the time the 1% gene is the genius gene, which makes me wonder if the genius gene is activated by anything specifically as well.

they said they found chi kuk’s finger in corner of the auditorium - i’m betting it was pointing to where the priest (mu won, mu chi’s brother) was sitting lol. 

anyways, it is set up to put chi kuk as a victim; however, he’s still alive, so i’m confused.

lowkey have more questions than i did before writing this. oh well. would love to hear other people’s theories!!  

[selfmadesuperhero]

i’m very much not okay 

and i’ll probably take very long for me to explain why

i don’t know how to write this. i don’t know where to even start. i’m here because i just don’t have anywhere else to go. i can’t afford therapy. i no longer have any close friends other than Mabu (gf).

it’s getting pretty bad inside my head

i know most people’s lives are hell this year and i’m not special. i know that. to me, this year is feeling like the last nail in my coffin because 2019 had already chewed me up and spit me out. 

i kept my last job for eight years. after my first year there, another developer came in, and we became friends. we worked side by side less than 4 feet apart for six years. our hours were flexible but we always agreed upon our schedule just so work would be more bearable, because we both hated it and often had to team up against our boss’ downright abuse. it was a very small company (at its biggest we were only 7 employees). we were also going to graduate at the same time from the same school (different majors), so we had a bit of a pact to leave our shitty boss once we’d graduated and start developing our own, way less shitty games.

at the start of 2019, he got an excellent job offer. i was thrilled for him and told him to of course get out of that hellhole we hated so much, we were only there because the pay was decent and the hours were flexible so we could get our degree, you know? it stung, but i was happy for him. on the last day i gave him a ride home (which is also something i did almost daily), he surprised me by hugging me and telling me i was like a brother to him and our plans weren’t going to change. 

i believed him, and went back to work. he was soon replaced, obviously, by a junior developer because that’s how capitalism works. but suddenly, i no longer had someone to take a stand with me against my boss - there was no one left that i knew, everyone had resigned or been fired and i was the oldest employee. you’d think that’d earn me something, after eight years being dedicated to the same company, right? 

(shortly after, my grandma passed, after years and years of agonizing in a wheelchair. we lived together)

fuck that

the first months were fine. i was being the senior developer and teaching the junior constantly, so my boss stayed out of my way. but see, this is where he started to get ansty. the more the junior stopped being a junior and was actually useful for something, the more that piece of gigantic ass just started thinking only about our salaries. i started in that company in 2012 making little more than 3 bucks/hour (remember i live in a third world country, but it was still specialized work), but by 2019, my salary was pretty much double of what the junior was making, and every penny extra i got during those years was a CONQUEST. i also worked six hours while he worked eight, so.

my boss basically started treating me even more like shit. he wasn’t nice to be around before, but he was bearable in small amounts. suddenly it was obvious to everyone that he was really fixating on me and my performance, and to me it was obvious he just wanted me to walk away too so he could replace me with TWO junior developers instead of just one measly charlie. 

then, the nationals elections began. oh boy.

this probably wouldn’t read as news to anyone, but i’m a huge leftie, obviously. if you’re at all interested in politics, read about what socialist policies have done for uruguay during the past 15 years and how they turned us into AT LEAST a developing country, but i digress. 

the people that sat in my office even shared my political views or whatever, but my boss is actually part of the conservative party and started actively campaigning. every time something involving politics happened, he made a point to come barging in the office and telling me and specifically me about it like i was personally running against his party. i actually recorded him once to have proof of him at least screaming at me, so i could check if i was crazy for thinking he had something against me. he frequently called me communist and just mocked my views. if you’re wondering, yes, this is illegal, but nothing happened. 

then, two big things happened at once: we lost the election, and my recently adopted puppy was diagnosed with distemper. yes, it happened on the same that and it’s a day i’ll never forget. 

my girlfriend and i had talked about getting a puppy once we moved in together. we’d named him like two years before it actually happened. we moved in together on may 2019 and on september i found the most precious boy for adoption on facebook and i was innocently all like “oh i’ve had to put rescue dogs for adoption before, let’s give back!”. 

on october 27th, he had a seizure and the vet told us it was likely we’d have to put him down because only 20% of dogs survived, and it was even less for puppies. 

when i went to work, i had to put up with my boss laughing and mocking me for winning the election “against me”. i guess i missed my running for anything?

this post is already too long for me to get into details about my dog’s disease. for months, every day we looked after him constantly. i read everything there was to BE READ about distemper online, spent thousands of pesos on medicine and treatments just in case he had a chance. good news is he did! this is the only positive note in this post. 

it still wasn’t easy. he made us cry at least three times a day. we really thought he was dying, and we’d made the mistake of naming him 2 years before he was even born. we’d taken PERFECT care of him while he was unvaccinated, but the vet told us it was most likely he was already infected before he came home to us. i’d never seen such a small puppy so sick. he hallucinated constantly. if you don’t know, distemper is a neuro/digestive/skin/bone/HELL disease that’s really nasty. he’d have seizures almost daily and poop and pee himself. he stopped being able to control his body other than his two front legs, which he didn’t even have full control of. when he stopped being able to walk, he started crying constantly, it really tore the heart out of my chest

we called another vet, a dog physical therapist, so she’d tell us how we could help him. she told us to make him stand as long as possible, so every time he had a meal, i’d bend down with him and hold his hips - so he’d be able to stand, and slowly gain back some muscle mobility. every day we massaged his legs and flexed his joints, even his tiny toes, so he’d avoid atrophy. and we did it!! as i’m writing this, he’s one year old now, he’s no longer sick even if he’ll carry with him plenty of lifelong sequels, and he walks and runs and barks like the best of them ♥ i wasn’t going to plug anything but if you wanna see his progress, it’s on instagram @hamiltonthefighter

okay, i guess i ended up talking at length about his disease in the end, sorry. his walking again had a price to pay for me: my own back. for two or three months i was bent over this dog, you know? i still can’t get out of bed without help sometimes lol around december it got really bad but i just kept popping pills because joy oh joy, i was doing my thesis and i didn’t really have time or money for anything else. my job was basically paying for our rent, my university classes including the thesis course which was ridiculously expensive, and our dog had given me credit card debt out of desperation (we even had to buy those rubber things used for yoga to place on our floors so he’d have something to use his nails against instead of constantly slipping on the floor, we tried every medication that might help, we gave him CBD oils, all kinds of vitamins, constant vet visits where during the first two weeks he got like three different shots every day, etc)

i’m rambling, and i’m sorry, but i don’t really think anyone will read this. i started this post crying my eyes out and writing about my dog at least has been calming, because even if he’s a drooling mess now, he’s still the same he ever was and i love him very much and he’s sleeping soundly next to me and he’s finally close to fine. 

remember the friend i talked about like half an hour ago? the one that worked with me for six years? nothing changed between us during the first months. for my thesis, i was going to develop a videogame with Mabu, but we were allowed to have external coding help because it was about GameDev, not the actual coding. i knew how to code, obviously, but Nico (the friend, guess we’ll give him a name) was also part of our project so he was gonna help us code so i had more time to focus on art and 3D modelling. the idea was kill two birds with one stone, make something we all liked, mabu and I were going to graduate with it and then we’d keep working on it during 2020 as we’d always always talked about.

by december, even if nico and i still talked regularly, i could tell he had just moved on with his life. he’d said he’d help us, but he was doing his own thesis, so i told him not to worry at that time, our final due date was in february. he asked us to forgive him during december and promised us he’d come back in january to DEVOTE himself to the project. i started coding the project besides working on the art and i was thankfully able to meet all the deadlines, so it was really fine, of course i understood where he was coming from. 

then, on january 7th, Mabu’s grandma passed away. she was scheduled for a heart surgery that supposedly only had 1% risk, and she passed on the table because of a doctor’s mistake. the surgery was here in the capital, but Mabu’s family lives five hours away. she comes from a very big, very loving family, and her grandma (being the mother of five children) was very much the center of it. i also loved her. she’d replaced my grandma the second she passed and every time i saw her she hugged me like i was a lost grandson. 

when my girlfriend called me during her surgery, i immediately left work because i just knew she would be crying if things were okay. this was a nightmare come alive for a family of 20+ people, and most of them were 5 hours away from their own house. my mother in law was (and still is) devastated by the lost of her mother because she was the one to encourage the surgery and she still thinks she killed her. i drove my her, my girlfriend, her sister and her sister’s boyfriend on my mother’s in law van for five hours while they all cried or slept and i had to really, really pinch myself because i was EXHAUSTED but what else could i do? 

logically i missed work the next day. LOGICALLY. i had the service to attend and i was 5 hours away from the office and i didn’t even have my own car with me. i told my boss to discount the day, since i wasn’t entitled to the mourning day by law because it wasn’t my grandma. he didn’t even reply - he almost never talked to me by this point unless it was to berate me for something. i went back to work the day after the service.

now, remember we were doing our thesis and it was due in february? it really wasn’t great timing for anyone to die, but i was trusting Nico’s promise that he’d have more free time and he’d make up for not helping us code sooner. i told him the news about Mabu’s grandma, and then basically had to tell him to say something to her for her loss because he was supposed to be her friend, what the fuck, why aren’t you at least sending her a text.

let’s just say, january wasn’t a great month for Mabu and myself. two weeks after the passing, we still hadn’t had news from Nico. Mabu didn’t even have time to properly mourn because we had to turn our thesis in like, little over a month. i wrote to nico just downright ASKING if he was gonna be able to help us or WHAT, to which he said to me...

he’d never promised anything because he was really busy with his own stuff and he didn’t want to bring it up sooner because he knew Mabu was mourning and things were hard for us at the moment? 

like that’s great pal, thanks for telling me at the last POSSIBLE second you were just dropping out altogether, what the actual fuck? it still baffles me that someone can be so thick headed, but he kept saying he had made no promises and both Mabu and I knew that was a lie and i honestly just couldn’t deal with someone so selfish he couldn’t at least give a heads up sooner

the icing on the cake during the beginning of this year is someone i haven’t even mentined: MY PIECE OF SHIT BROTHER. talking about him may deserve another post, because this is already so long and convoluted and i haven’t even talked about his involvement in my misery during 2019-2020. i’ll try to make the story short if anyone’s still reading this far: 

a lot of years ago, our maternal grandmother moved to uruguay from russia and bought a tiny shitty house here next to my mother’s. my mother still hasn’t talked to me since 2013 because i’m trans, but that’s neither here nor there. i tried to keep in touch with my brother (we don’t share dads so he was no relation with my side of the family), and around 2017 i finally succeeded in making friends with him. or so i thought, clearly. 

that grandmother passed... sometime. i don’t really know because they cut me off. she didn’t speak to me either, she was literally a crazy old nasty woman and i didn’t even care when i heard she’d died, to be honest. she was such a nasty woman, she’d put her tiny shitty house to my and my brother’s name just to keep her own daughter out of the inheritance when she bought it. 

that also meant i was inheriting something for the first time ever, even if it was shitty. BUT my brother had his own fake grandma (the woman who looked after him his whole life instead of our mother) who was very old and frail and asked me if he could house her there. i said yes because again, i didn’t give a shit about the inheritance or the house or anything regarding my mother’s side of the family (other than him obviously), so for years this woman occupied the house. my brother basically took all existing furniture and appliances because he was moving in with a girlfriend and i even loaded up my shitty car with his stuff. all i wanted to inherit was the couch set, which had come all the way from russia and everyone had promised me since i was a wee lad, but he started whining about his fake-grandma not having a living room set and nowhere to sit and i didn’t even live by myself yet so i let them have the fucking couches, too. 

oh boy this is already too long but now i’m too lazy to make a separate post

anyway, sometime during 2019, the woman moved out to an old folks home because she could no longer take care of herself. i immediately asked about the couch set with hope in my heart that it could finally be mine, but my brother told me our mother didn’t want me to have it. 

he wanted to rent the house to make a profit, which sounded good to me because of that dog related credit card debt i talked about. and here’s where you might think i’m not that there in the head, but all my life i didn’t want anything to do with that house until my mother was in the ground - not out of hate but because i thought it was a shitty thing her own mother had done to her, and the inheritance should have been hers. she doesn’t have a degree or a stable job because she’s a russian translator so hey, whatever, they needed it more than i did. but then my brother starting getting ideas about improving the house so we’d make more money, and how we should do it together, and... i think i might have mentioned already why i didn’t exactly have time to redo a house? i was doing my thesis? about to graduate? my boss was constantly on my case? my dog was about to die? 

i helped as much as i could at first, but then december came, and then january, and my brother just kept nagging me about the house like i was purposefuly sitting on my ass doing nothing, because oh every day it’s not rented it’s money lost. no amount of explaining how stretched thin i was seemed to suffice, not even when mabu’s grandma died and nico left us hanging with the thesis and i had less than a month left to code the whole project by myself while ALSO taking care of the art. 

by the end of january, i was so stressed, i called a doctor after a panic attack. he gave me a weeks rest because of my back, because i wasn’t even able to get up without help at that time. it wasn’t much of a rest because i still used that time to sit at the computer and code 15 hours a day at LEAST, but hey. 

it was the first time in 8 years i’d taken medical leave of ANY kind. i didn’t even get medical leave when i got my chest surgery. it happened on a friday and i was back to work the next monday. i’d never skipped more than 2 days of work at best when i had a bad case of the flu or something, but that was it. 

when i went back to work, my boss immediatelly called me to his office. he started berating me about my performance again, bringing graphs comparing the amount of lines of code i’d written next to my coworkers. i didn’t mention this, but the graphic designer had also quit during 2019, so i was also covering that workload and no, that didn’t exactly translate to lines of code. i also had to spend HOURS every day tutoring the junior because he was too much of a cheap shit (didn’t use those words) to hire an experienced developer. i’d even WORKED AS A GRAPHIC DESIGNER FOR MEDIA CONTENT FOR HIS POLITICAL CAREER, EVEN IF IT WAS AGAINST MY BELIEFS AND NOT AT ALL RELATED TO MY JOB. he denied everything. EVERYTHING. he stuck to the narrative that i was just lazy and the proof was i’d just taken AN ENTIRE WEEK because “my back just hurt a little” and i had the audacity to skip work for someone else’s grandmother dying

i’m not exaggerating, i swear to anyone who might be reading this. that day was brutal and i’m still not over it half a year later, i don’t care if that makes me sound like a wuss. i worked eight years of my life in this fucking place. 

this argument lasted for hours, but i kept my head down because i couldn’t afford to lose the job, specially not then. i even apologized for any loss in performance and tried to explain my point of view and what i was going through (which i’d already done to another superior weeks ago anyway). but just when i thought i’d MAYBE be able to keep my head above water, he told me he was denying my the request i’d made to take two weeks of holiday days before the thesis final due date. 

i had already explained everything to him. everything, even nico dropping the team and my having to do everything by myself. i broke down and i told him he was forcing me to leave my job, i’d just have been certified by a doctor and i was asking for leave for SCHOOL (all things that are protected by law here), but he just kept repeating i could either walk away from my job or show up during those two weeks. he just wanted me gone, but he couldn’t fire me right away without having to pay me THOUSANDS because of my seniority (by law). he knew what he was doing to me and he didn’t care about it. he didn’t even let me TOUCH MY COMPUTER, he told me he wasn’t the one pushing me away, that i was doing this to myself, and he’d ask for a lawyer to check my computer for any “inconsistencies in my activity”, even. i really have a hard time just thinking about that day and how utterly humilliating it was. i lost a lot of personal files, because i sat at that desk for eight years and of course i had personal files because sometimes i stayed after hours before going to class. 

imagine for a second a sixty year old man, rich as shit, political candidate, standing in front of a computer, disconnecting the mouse and keyboard so i couldn’t touch it, yelling at me i was doing this to myself and i was losing my job because i had the audacity to ask for two weeks leave to finish my fucking school thesis. 

and yeah, i lawyered up. i didn’t have actual money to AFFORD a lawyer, but mabu’s cousin’s girlfriend was a lawyer and lived one block away and i immediatelly told her everything there was to tell. she brought me to the firm she worked in and they guaranteed me i had a pretty strong case and i was at least gonna be able to walk away with something.

that put things in hold for a while because the “trial” or whatever wasn’t gonna be held until after the thesis, so i tried to forget about it. my boss even owed me my untaken paid vacation days, which i told the lawyers because i was pretty sure he’d just forgot, but i wanted to know if it made a better case against him. they agreed, and i left it at that. 

but you know who was still making my life miserable even when february began and i had less than three weeks to finish our project right? MY SWEET BABY BRO. he was constantly nagging me about having to do all the work himself, like I’D ASKED ANYTHING FROM THAT HOUSE TO BEGIN WITH. but see, the nastier he started getting, the more apparent his lies began to appear. he got nasty to the level where ON THE DAY I WAS TURNING THE PROJECT IN he kept calling me demanding MONEY for stuff he’d paid for the house without checking in with me. i was honestly baffled by his level of selfishness, i was already sleeping three hours a day tops and he expected me to what, paint walls? he was FIERCELY against having to wait for my project to be done even if it was two weeks away and he was asking and asking for money when i’d just told him i’d lost my job without a penny to show for it. nice guy, really. 

suddenly, the following lies became clear: 

 my mother didn’t care if i took the couch set, he told me that because he was moving again and he was planning on taking the couches himself. (he ended up doing just so, too). he lied to me with the thing that hurts me most in the world: my mother hating me. he had even made a joke about it, because my mother had bought a new couch not long ago, and he didn’t “get” why she “didn’t want me to have anything”

 years ago he’d told me he had refinanced a tax debt the house had, and i gave him money for it. now that the house was about to be put up for rent, he pretended that had never happened and suddenly started talking about how we needed to take care of that

 he wasn’t planning on splitting the rent three ways between him, our mother and i. he was gonna keep two thirds, and i later even found out my own mother had given him the idea. 

 then poor mabu confessed to me once, two years ago, she’d wore a skirt one time visiting my brother and his then girlfriend, and he had told her nasty stuff to her year upon saying goodbye and she had never said anything because didn’t want to hurt our sibling relationship 

talk about final nail huh? 

i confronted him and he denied everything, obviously, he instantly played the victim card, how dare i think that way about him, how dare i break his dreams of reuniting the family again. he said things to me i’ll also never forget like, apparently, it shows that i’m a shit person because i have no friends and no one wants me around, unlike him that has so many. he told me i thought the world owed me when i was shit and i believed anything anyone told me before believing him. no one told me any of his lies, i caught them all by myself, but whatever. he cursed me and told me he never wanted anything to do with me because i was rotten and i only cared about money and i was so so selfish. this must have been around march and i still don’t know anything from him, or care.

what do i have to do for that side of the family to leave me alone, i wonder? all i ever wanted to do was be his friend

the “trial” against my boss came and suddenly every lawyer that worked at that firm was taking a fucking holiday except for the one that was supposedly leading my case - except suddenly, i didn’t have much of a case at all. i walked away with less than 2 thousand dollars and that was WITH the vacation days i hadn’t taken. the agreement was the lawyers were gonna keep 25% of however much i made but THAT vacation money wasn’t supposed to count because it didn’t come out of the “trial” thing, you know? 

well, it did. the lawyer screwed me over too. but hey, at least he’d gotten me unemployment for a couple of months (you only apply for unemployment if you’re fired, not if you walk away from a job, and my having been fired or not was what was being contested), i still tried to be optimistic, i had a few months to figure things out while i looked for another job, and at least i was able to finish paying for school with that money.

yeah, this was late february, beginning of march. joke’s on me for being optimistic at all

my own brother plotting with my own mother against me has done a number for my mental health. i already had baggage aplenty, like every trans dude or girl whose parents would rather see them dead than be a dyke/fag (my mother’s own words, ladies and gents)

my boss of eight years kicking me to the curve at the worst moment in my life in the most humilliating of ways while blaming me for it has left me feeling so worthless to people in general. i’m getting better with time, i think, but i’m still all not there. i have a really hard time thinking my work is worth anything at all.

i keep thinking my brother was right, and i’m a shitty friend, and i don’t deserve anyone around. my only real friend at the moment is my girlfriend, which makes it really hard to have any arguments because i start feeling like my life is ending because she’s pretty much all i have left and she’s the most important thing in the world to me because i wouldn’t have survived all this shit i’m writing without her by my side. i would walk to hell and back for her. but nico also left me behind without a second thought, after telling me i was like a brother to him, no matter how many times i invited him to hang out or anything to keep in touch. i’ve been a shitty friend to a lot of people, but not him, and he still didn’t care about me at all, so i just stopped trying. 

but now social distancing has got me all fucked up. i can’t trust people. i can’t go outside. everything is scary to me, i have at least two or three panic attacks per WEEK and they get nastier and longer every time. i know i need help, but i can’t even afford rent, let alone therapy. Uruguay has the worst unemployment rates since 2006 now thanks to our baby-Trump right now. i look for jobs daily even if the notion of having a job even SIMILAR to the one i had before gives me the shakes. programming isn’t as hard as some people may think, but the workplaces are usually VERY toxic because you’re valued by the amount of lines of code you write, and i’m so so tired. i’m still looking because I NEED. TO. PAY. RENT. but not because it’s something i want in life, at all. i’d much rather be poor and just do freelance work instead, but i’m failing.

i thank the people that have helped me or commissioned me these past few months from the bottom of my heart. i’m sorry i’m not more active, i’m sorry i’m still rusty and can’t draw faster, i’m sorry i sometimes spend half a day crying my eyes out because i just don’t know how to move forward. i have a week left, i still haven’t made enough for rent, let alone the bills or food. mabu used to get plenty of art commissions on etsy, but she hasn’t sold anything since march either and she’s younger than me so our financial struggles have an even deeper impact on her

i’m just so, so tired. i’m lucky to have mabu, and that is about it. i honestly don’t think i could have survived this year without her. for months the future has looked like a black screen to me. i can’t even trust the vegetable market in front of my fucking house because some piece of shit spread the rumor that i’m trans and now i can’t even open the door to my front house without getting stares sometimes, it’s ridiculous. i wish i could trust more than one person in the world so that everything wasn’t on her shoulders.

i’m not okay. we’re not okay.

that’s about it. i’m sorry i can’t end this on a more positive note. at least we graduated with an excellent score. not that we had a graduation, obviously. thanks corona.

thank you for reading if you read this far ♥

[aelaer]

Uhh can I ask for BBC Sherlock fic recs? (Preferably friendship and/or familial fics, but romance is okay too)

Ooohh boy are you in for a list. I know you asked this like, at the start of quarantine or at sometime where I decided that I was no longer interested in communicating with the wider world, but hopefully this will still be of interest to you?

Throughout 2018 I did very little writing because I was busy consuming everything offered by the Sherlock fandom produced over 7-8 years. I definitely read well into the millions of words. A lot of them were from specific collections on both ff.net and AO3. I recommend looking in “collections” on ff.net in particular (as I still can’t really figure out how collections work on AO3 and how to find them easily... it’s really easy to find them on ff.net).

To my knowledge, these are all complete.

If there is any romance tagged here, it’s because it’s really, really fucking good as romance is my least favorite genre. I cannot remember all of them, but there’s a lot of angst, definitely humour, and definitely some great canonical bits. Also whumpy ones that are either really really good or a bit ridiculous but there you go.

It’s long, so under a cut. If the cut doesn’t work, I have tagged it as well.

From ff.net (alphabetical order) - NOTE: I did NOT include anything from the authors I recommended because the list was already too freaking long! But be sure to check out the authors, you can sort by “category” on ff.net on their author page and then go down to “Sherlock” to find their works:

Anything by A Wandering Minstrel (sooooo many genres)

Most anything by chappysmom (tons of genres, some are excellent, some I could take or leave, overall good stuff)

Most anything by Dayja (she writes in a ton of genres, so some I *adore* while others aren’t my cup of tea, but overall good stuff)

Anything by Gwen's Blue Box if you want angst up the wazoo.

Anything by ivywatcher for fantastic character studies.

Most anything by Jennistar1 (another multi-genre writer, both friendship and slashfic)

Anything by Radon65 - a mix of stuff. Canon IIRC.

Anything by Richefic for good, canon-friendly gap-fillers

Anything by StillWaters1 for good, canon-friendly gap-fillers

A Brief Account Of Life With Zombies  by Silver Pard Sherlock thinks it's all a bit of a nuisance, John is having the time of his life, and Mycroft is Not Impressed. With anything, but mostly his minions' inability to provide a good cup of tea. Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,384 - Complete

A House is not a Home  by selenityshiroi  This is a prompt fill from the LJ Fic Meme.  John and Sherlock got a flat share because they needed to split the rent.  But when John comes into money, people wonder 'why hasn't he found a place of his own'   The actual prompt is inside the story Rated: T - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,190 - John W., Sherlock H. - Complete

Annie's Song  by Berouge She has a second engagement with a man and his violin, in the park, at night. Sherlock's not going for it! ONESHOT! Rated: K - English - Romance - Chapters: 1 - Words: 8,869 - Sherlock H., Molly Hooper - Complete

Basic Training  by chai4anne Summary: A death at a boys' school leads to conflict and revelations among Lestrade's team, Sherlock, and John. Set between "The Hounds of Baskerville" and "The Reichenbach Fall." No slash. Rated: T - English - Mystery/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 10,851 - Sherlock H., John W., DI Lestrade, Sgt. S. Donavan - Complete

Breaking Point  by Haelia  When Sherlock and Donovan are abducted and Sherlock is grievously wounded, it is up to Donovan to get them both out.  "First things first, Freak.  You do not give me orders.  You are going to do everything I tell you to," Sally said sharply, "because we are getting out of here."  Can they both escape with their lives from the most dangerous gang in London? Rated: T - English - Mystery/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 3 - Words: 14,401 - Sgt. S. Donavan, Sherlock H. - Complete

Firestorm  by Dustbunny13 Sherlock returns, but his friendship with John is damaged. Nevertheless, they embark on their final hunt to finish off Moriarty's net, but it ends in a catastrophe: Sherlock is shot and lapses into a coma. As John keeps vigil, he reads Sherlock's diary written during the hiatus. Slowly, he begins to understand and finds himself wishing for another miracle. Completed. Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Adventure - Chapters: 53 - Words: 133,754 - Complete NOTE: Probably my favorite novel-length multi-chapter you find only on ff.net for this fandom.

How To Accidentally Summon a Demon  by patster223 Sherlock is possessed by a demon. A damned, wicked soul that uses the kitchen table for blood rituals and experiments. John doesn't even notice the difference. Rated: K+ - English - Supernatural/Humor - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,411 - Sherlock H., John W. - Complete

Kidnapped! A Comedy by scuttlesworth Poor kidnappers. Kidnapping John Watson is like pulling on a thread tied to all sorts of crazy. It's enough to make a bloke get a job and go straight. Rated: T - English - Humor/Friendship - Chapters: 2 - Words: 10,758 - John W. - Complete

Mobile Phones, Rubble and Shock  by prettybirdy979  In the aftermath of the explosion, Lestrade must work to keep Sherlock Holmes alive and make sense of his communications... with only a mobile phone and Sherlock buried under the rubble of the pool. Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,679 - Sherlock H., DI Lestrade - Complete

Mouth of Babes  by Morgan Stuart  Several weeks after the explosion at the pool following "The Great Game" episode, Lestrade visits the recuperating Sherlock and John at 221B Baker Street. He brings case files and food... and a visitor in tow. Rated: K - English - Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 2,495 - Sherlock H., DI Lestrade - Complete NOTE: This is a whole series. If you like it, look up the rest under the author. It’s super cute.

Of Surgeons and Soldiers  by EmRose92 Being a doctor has its advantages. He knows how to put people back together, and he knows how to take them apart. 221B is forced into a hostage situation, and John seems to be the only one who has the power to get them out of it. Includes BAMF John, protective Sherlock, and several unfortunate criminals who mess with the wrong army doctor. No slash. Rated: K+ - English - Adventure/Family - Chapters: 2 - Words: 9,695 - Sherlock H., John W. - Complete

The Empty Home  by chai4anne Sherlock would always be haunted by memories of one particular case. The first body, its once-so-familiar features blurred by the passing of time and death, moved him more than he would ever have expected. But the worst was the skeleton he uncovered later, bits of hair and clothes still clinging to it—which had no effect on him whatever, until he looked up and saw John's face. Rated: T - English - Mystery/Suspense - Chapters: 28 - Words: 150,773 - Sherlock H., John W. - Complete

The frigid trench  by Nova-chan Sherlock is badly hurt. And alone. And incapacitated. Rated: T - English - Drama/Hurt/Comfort - Chapters: 15 - Words: 13,118 - Sherlock H., John W. - Complete

The Hand You're Dealt  by Lady Sam Mallory Sherlock, John and several others are trapped in a building when an explosion disrupts the crime scene they are working. COMPLETE. Rated: T - English - Hurt/Comfort/Angst - Chapters: 1 - Words: 12,092 - Sherlock H., John W. - Complete

The Secret Identity of John Watson  by scifigrl47  Taken out of context, John Watson leads a terrifying life.  You have to wonder what those poor women he dates thinks of it, especially if John decides to try keeping one away from Sherlock, and Sherlock decides that it'd be best if he could get rid of her Rated: T - English - Humor - Chapters: 3 - Words: 29,251 - John W., Sherlock H. - Complete

This Is What He Does For Fun  by nyssa123   Sherlock and John go to the pub after a long day and Sherlock realizes that the man sitting next to them is a serial killer. He then proceeds to tell everyone how he knows. Written for a prompt on the LJ kinkmeme.

Rated: K+ - English - Humor/Mystery - Chapters: 1 - Words: 1,147 - John W., Sherlock H. - Complete

Totem  by IshkabibbleScribble  Rescuing Sherlock from the clutches of a violent terrorist cell forces John to rely on a long-unused, lethal skill. Rated: T - English - Friendship/Drama - Chapters: 2 - Words: 8,752 - Sherlock H., John W. - Complete

War Wound  by SoulfireInc  Set sometime after Sherlock's return, before John's wedding to Mary Mortsan. An old comrade of John's arrives at 221B Baker St, scared and desperate for the consulting detective's help. Perhaps, had Sherlock known the consequences he and John would suffer as a result of this surprise encounter, he never would have accepted the case ... [Written before season three aired.] Rated: K+ - English - Drama/Friendship - Chapters: 1 - Words: 21,319 - Sherlock H., John W., DI Lestrade, OC - Complete

From AO3 (alphabetical order) - NOTE: Just like the ff.net list, I did NOT include anything from the authors I recommended because these lists are just ginormous.

NOTE: I did *not* include warnings, pairings, etc in these summaries (too many tags to try and organize in the messy copy/pastes). Read the tags if you have any sensitivities/squicks/etc for all links!

Most anything by CaffieneKitty (over 100 shorts, so some I really love, others I can pass. Well worth checking out)

Anything by dragonnan if you want a huge wallop of angst. Also illustrations. Also writes in the MCU.

Anything by Jolie_Black (You thought stories written in script could only be bad? You thought WRONG. Very very canon-compliant goodness).

Anything by sgam76 (another multi-genre writer)

A Freak Adventure   by  dioscureantwins Words:    13,719    Chapters:    1/1    Teen And Up Audiences Sherlock Holmes Sally Donovan John Watson Mrs. Hudson Oh Christ, the Freak will be like a dog with two tails if she turns to him for assistance. Sally can feel her hands curling into fists ready to punch the condescending smirk off his face as she glares at the lift panel, willing the lift to go faster. But this is about Susy, Sally tells herself, not about him or Sally’s abhorrence of the atrocious git. She’s still convinced he gets off on it but he can wank himself into a stupor over Susy’s disappearance for all she cares as long as he finds her.

A Smelly Affair  by  dioscureantwins  Words:    13,756    Chapters:    1/1   General Audiences Sherlock Holmes John Watson Mrs Hudson Greg Lestrade Molly Hooper Anthea Mycroft Holmes Sherlock had published an interesting thesis on the splintering of various woods on his website. As well as an equally fascinating treatise on different types of ropes and knots and the best techniques for securing someone. Obviously, his captors had followed those instructions to the letter; thereby disproving John’s theory nobody took notice of Sherlock’s website. A victory, perhaps, but one Sherlock felt he could have done without. Trust his readership to turn the tables on the author.   Morons.

Constantly      by thesignsofserbia Words:    4,530    Chapters:    1/1    Mature Sherlock Holmes Mycroft Holmes Mycroft and Sherlock have a tenuous relationship at best, but with Sherlock taking down Moriarty's web, they might need each other more than they'd care to admit.

Croatia-Water-Blue      by hollyesque Words:    12,117    Chapters:    1/1 Not Rated Sherlock Holmes John Watson Mycroft Holmes “I…” John licks his lips, twitches his fingers as though he wants to reach out, “I’m here, Sherlock,” he says; “I know I haven’t been, but…but I am now.” Sherlock wrinkles his nose. Haven’t been—? “What on earth do you mean, you haven’t been here?” he asks, “You’ve been living here.”

Getting to Know You      by  Dimity Blue (Arnie) Words:    4,605    Chapters:    1/1   General Audiences Arthur Weasley/Molly Weasley Sherlock Holmes John Watson Mycroft Holmes John picked up the kettle.  "Nothing from Lestrade?"Sherlock flipped himself over on the sofa and presented John with his back; John sometimes felt he was living with a cat.Clicking the switch on the kettle, John grinned to himself and, keeping his tone casual, said, "Maybe you could send him an owl."There was silence for a few seconds, then Sherlock asked, "Why would I send him an owl?"

Landscape With The Fall Of Icarus      by CaitlinFairchild Words:    4,572    Chapters:    1/1   Teen And Up Audiences Sherlock Holmes Mycroft Holmes John Watson Closing his eyes, Sherlock allows himself a brief swell of feeling--let’s not put a name on it, just call it a feeling--for his big brother. He knows that when Mycroft opens that steel door again, every man now inside will be a fresh corpse.The East Wind will take them all, Sherlock thinks fuzzily, before the curtain of sleep descends.

London Orbital   by merripestin Words:    13,642    Chapters:    1/1    General Audiences Greg Lestrade Sally Donovan Sherlock Holmes John Watson "I'm driving first," Sally said.  "Guv can take over after me. If we're all still mad enough to be at this after that,  John can drive third shift.  Then the freak, if we decide we can risk it.""John doesn't drive," said Sherlock."Then what's John along for?" Sally protested. Which Greg reckoned had to be just Sally trying to wind Sherlock up.  She knew better.  All night in a car with Sherlock was bad enough.  All night driving round and round the M25 looking for a killer, with Sherlock deprived of John Watson, sounded like a new circle of hell.   

Official Recruiter by Captain_Author Words:    49,469    Chapters:    21/21   General Audiences  Clint Barton Phil Coulson Sherlock Holmes John Watson Stephen Strange Crimes were so simple before aliens, gods, and supernatural abilities made themselves known. But Sherlock Holmes never enjoyed simple and these inhumans and mutants provided quite a challenge. SHIELD needed someone to find the superpowered. Funny how both their needs can be met.

Rigging screws, size 1 3/8 inch, galvanised  by  AJHall    Words:    15,250    Chapters:    6/6    Teen And Up Audiences Sherlock Holmes John Watson "How's a woman supposed to prove her husband's a murderer, dammit?" On the eve of a planned voyage to Brittany, Marjorie Jameson starts her day with no problems more pressing than forcing a boatyard to do an emergency repair to the family yacht.  A chance encounter at the Cowes hi-speed ferry terminal begins to unravel a web of conspiracy and murder, with her charming, untrustworthy husband Julian right at the centre and Marjorie as the next intended victim.But no-one's going to trust the word of an aging housewife whose complaints of abuse the police have previously dismissed as delusions.

Somewhere in the Dinaric Alps      by  drpepperdiva91 Words:    1,735    Chapters:    1/1    General Audiences Sherlock Holmes John Watson Sherlock is caught off-guard by a flashback to his time in Serbia, just before John arrives home from work. Sweet, but still semi-realistic, hurt/comfort.

The Case of the Missing Bus Ticket      by  Unsentimentalf Words:    10,543    Chapters:    1/1   General Audiences Dirk Gently Sherlock Holmes Richard MacDuff John Watson Mycroft Holmes When Dirk and Richard's new client inexplicably fails to stay alive long enough to pay them, their ailing finances mean that a certain amount of subterfuge is required to get them back to London. The sudden death of their client has, however, attracted the attention of another rather more famous (if less holistic) detective and the stage is set for a long distance bus ride of suspense…

The Green Blade   by  verityburns Words:    72,929    Chapters:    15/15   Teen And Up Audiences Sherlock Holmes John Watson Lestrade (Inspector) Mycroft Holmes Sally Donovan Anderson (Sherlock) Mrs. Hudson As a serial killer hits the headlines, the police are out of their depth and the next victim is out of time. With faith in Sherlock Holmes at an all time low, this is a case which will push loyalties to the limit... WARNING: COMMENTS CONTAIN SPOILERS!

The Holiday    by Scriblit Words:    18,962    Chapters:    9/9    Mature Sherlock Holmes John Watson Mycroft Holmes Mrs. Hudson Greg Lestrade Molly Hooper Mary Morstan ACD Canon Characters A month following an horrific, sadistic attack during a case, Sherlock is still physically incapacitated and emotionally damaged. A holiday is suggested, but even stuck out in the middle of nowhere, he and John happen upon a case that could make Sherlock begin to feel like his old self again - or could kill him.BBC Sherlock Reworking of ACD's Devil's Foot, with Illustrious Client in flashbacks. Scenes of violence and implied "off screen" sexual violence/sexual assault.

The Shallow End      by  hollyesque Words:    6,923    Chapters:    1/1   Teen And Up Audiences Sherlock Holmes John Watson Mycroft Holmes "I told you once that I don't have friends," he says to John's back, "Now you know why."

The Silence of the Bees  by  trappedinathoughtbubble Words:    14,169    Chapters:    7/?    Mature Sherlock Holmes John Watson Mary Morstan Mary Watson Greg Lestrade Mycroft Holmes A kidnapped teenage girl. A political conspiracy. Bees. And somehow in the midst of it all, John learns a few things Sherlock forgot to mention about those two years. Note: Not completed, but the author's around and one of the sweetest people ever if you want to give encouragement to take a look again at this story!

The Triple Bluff    by SarahKnight  Words:    28,331    Chapters:    8/8   Mature Sherlock Holmes Greg Lestrade Mycroft Holmes Sally Donovan Philip Anderson Sherlock annoys his landlord at Montague street, grows to hate Donovan and gets into trouble a lot on a kidnapping case involving a woman who bullied him as a child.The events leading up to A Study In Pink. A case fic that answers questions from the first episode such as why Sherlock had to leave Montague Street and find a new flatmate, why he and Lestrade both quit smoking but didn't know the other had, why there's so much animosity between Sherlock and Donovan, and why Sherlock hates traveling in a police car.

Welcome Home    by   thesignsofserbia Words:    3,435    Chapters:    1/1    Teen And Up Audiences Sherlock Holmes John Watson Mrs. Hudson Mycroft Holmes "All my nightmares escaped my head. Bar the door, please don’t let them in. You were never supposed to leave. Now my head's splitting at the seams."

And of course I have my own Sherlock/Doctor Strange crossover up on AO3 if that tickles your fancy, illustrations and all. :D

But if you haven’t delved deep into the fandom, this should tide you over for some time.

This list is by no means an exhaustive list of recs. I didn’t really include anything that concentrated on a romantic pairing, for instance. I left off anything explicit as well. But yeah, here’s a small amount of the overall goodness produced by the BBC Sherlock fandom over the last 10 years.

[modern-oedipus]

Therapy Notes #?

I haven’t mediated or wrote in my mental health journal for nearly two months, and now, starting them feels overwhelming. So instead, I’m making a Tumblr post about 5 things I’ve successfully done today, to remind my brain that I’m not only unfinished tasks. (This was a psychiatrist advice— when I told her I don’t want to use medicine and I want to regulate my mental health without antidepressants. Thankfully, it worked for me, as I wasn’t a severe case. Anyways.)

• I read 3 stories from Rashōmon, Akutagawa’s book. Moreover, I borrowed that book from my girlfriend yesterday, which makes me feel like I’m running through her brain, which is equally exciting as— just being lovers. But like. Intellectually. I remember how she always gets very excited showing her books from her chaotically huge library. I think I even interrupted her speech midway just to kiss her. Life is quite fanfic-like nowadays. 🧿🎈

• I posted one Instagram post at @nilashh and wrote about how and why Akutagawa’s stories and his life inspired me. I developed a sense of genuine respect to him as I read his stories. Our writing style is similar. I think I understand what he means at the core of his writing. But, I had to google some specifics parts to see if I missed anything. I also made a private instagram as Nila because I want to share more photos of just me being me. It’s private, though, I only keep those who are dearest to me, those whom I trust. I also don’t keep anyone irl on that account. Which means I’ll probably have 10-15 people only but 😂Good enough! Some things are better in privacy 💖 I hear a lot from people that, I look attractive to them, and some were quite to surprised to find me looking like that because you know, they just so happened to read my fics and didn’t expect I’d look “this good” or something? Anyways, it surely is a pleasant reaction when I do a face real. I also feel the same thing, like most of my friends are FREAKIN gorgeous! Some have colored hair and all! Inspiring!

• Told my mom to bring our canary over the grandma’s since he was home alone. Here, there are 2 more pet birds. It is more fun for him to hang out with them. I’m happy I came up with the idea. He is here now.

• I called my father to check up on him. I also vented him about how I saw in my dream that he had a new baby daughter and how I wanted to strangle the daughter because I’m his only princess, and my dad was freaked out at my agression and ensured me he’s not gonna have any more kids 😂 It was funny. But, seriously. It may sound odd but I’m glad I only have my brother. I feel like I’d constantly compare myself if I had a sister (who’s prettier? Who is thinner? Who has more friends? etc.) but with a male sibling, I don’t feel any competition. Of course, I am only talking hypotehtically, maybe I would love if I had a sister, but honestly? I always hated the thought of sharing my spot with anyone. So I am glad I only have my younger brother and no one else. My father is my most beloved human on the earth so I would feel very jealous if I had to share him— and funny thing is, I told all of these to my dad, and he was freaked out 😂 Well, not my fault. If he didn’t want me to make him my favorite person, he shouldn’t have been a fantastic gentleman with an interesting personality (outside of him being a parent) and also a safe parent. Only natural that I’d strangle a potential sister if she were to ever ask to share my spot. I wonder why I had such a weird dream, tho. Both my parents are passed the age of getting kids and we are old, no one is getting kids. It was so weird for sure. Anyways, it was just a dream in the end.

• It’s so hard to find something I productively did today. But I was having a chat with my 15 years old cousins— and I noticed, the parents usually do not listen to them wholly. But I decided to listen until they finish their words, be kind, validate their ideas and respectfully tell what I think as well. Because I think teenagers, kids, or even pets; deserve personal space and respect. It’s not good to act all high and mighty even if you “know” the best as an adult. This lead to a very entertaining conversation with 5 male teenager cousins in a room. I feel like I can actually talk to them better compared to when we were younger. I guess we all are growing up and that’s inspiring.

Anyways, I’m too tired, so here are 5 QUICK notes of things I’m grateful for: 🧿 (I saw that this evil eye emoji thingy is kinda?? Like a charm?? To keep bad shit away if you’re happy? I AINT TAKING ANY CHANCES)

• being alive

• having my loved ones alive (and RIP to all loved ones we lost this year..)

• my dog— actually I’ll just share my doggo

That’s the doggo! 🤍💖🧿

• being healthy. I am kinda having some health problems ritht now but they are not too harsh and I am not on any medication.

• hmmmm what else

• my lover ofc

• the fact that I finally can read books after training my brain and patience for so long. I sometimes have symptoms very similar to adhd (but I don’t have adhd, I learned that some other issues can MIMIC the symptoms of adhd but are not chronic like it) so I kinda tried adhd hacks — consistently for. 2 months and they worked!

Anyways my head hurts and i was just gonna write them on notes section of my phone but since some of my mutuals said they do benefit/enjoy therapy notes series, i decided to share! Give me a hug we all are tired!!