#for the record...as a pit perv

[modeus-the-misanthrope]

I am morbidly curious, now that we have seen them actively use a character's feet to advertise Overwatch. Which will occure first, Overwatch 2 imploding in on itself from the game having not enough players OR will they try to make a tweet appealing to pit perverts?

[chaotic-mystery]

ꨄ Pairing: bfd!joel miller x f!reader

ꨄ Summary: Sarah’s home from college and you visit her…and her dad. What happens when you find his lewd magazine collection that resembles you a little too much?

ꨄ Content Warnings: SMUT! 18+ only- MDNI. Unprotected p in v, age gap (not specific but it’s there ya know) daddy!kink, pet names (bunny, baby doll, good girl, etc.) masturbating, Joel cums on your face, cum eating, dirty fucking talk, Joel talks you through it, slight choking if you squint, kinda perv Joel, descriptions of lewd mags.

ꨄ Word Count: 3.9K | I love u

When Sarah visited from college, you were constantly at the Miller’s house for her time being there. She went off to school and you stayed behind in lil Texas but that never changed your friendship as she was constantly calling you and sending you texts about her roommates and soccer team. From time to time she’d ask you how her dad was, he would sometimes forget to answer his phone before he passed out on the couch from working himself to death. You would bring him food whenever you cooked too much and he’d always have this rule about not giving you an empty container back, so after the food was gone, Joel would make it his mission to cook or bake the next day and put some in your container before returning it.

With a container full of brownies and the driveway looking complete again with both of their cars parked, you walked inside and kicked off your shoes, rounding the corner to the living room to find Sarah.

“Saraaah? Where ya at?” You called out in a singsong tone and peeked everywhere for her in the kitchen, even Joel's den. That’s when you noticed him sitting at his desk, his broad shoulders tugging his shirt tightly over his back. Joel turns around and takes off his glasses, looking at you with a smile on his face.

“Hey darlin’! Whatcha got in there?” His finger points to the brownies and the heat in your cheeks rises, knowing your brownies were his favorite.

“Uhhhh brownies for you and Sarah. For the record, I somehow didn’t make enough to share with her friends so I wouldn’t suggest leaving them out in the kitchen if you want to enjoy them.” You grin and walk towards him as he adjusts in his seat and leans back, hands folded behind his head while he watches you open the lid. You reach in and grab a treat for him, handing it off gently, careful not to make a mess. Joel took a bite, closing his eyes in bliss.

“I love when you put the Reese's cup right in the middle and it’s warm. God damn these are amazin’ sweetheart. Thank you.” His beautiful brown eyes meet yours once more and he smiles, shoving the last bite in his mouth.

“Sarah’s out back with ‘er friends if you wanna run off, sure you don’t wanna be here all night with a geezer like me. Think I’ll be in here until I fall asleep.” He chuckles and puts his glasses back on before spinning his chair around and shuffling his papers around.

You couldn’t help but linger for just a second, taking notice of the way his hair curled more towards the nape of his neck, the way he grunts a little when he’s writing down work stuff, the pictures of Sarah scattered across his desk in picture frames.

Being aware not to overstay your welcome in his presence, you cleared your throat and smiled even though he wasn’t looking and for a small second your hand brushed against his elbow as you turned to leave.

When you exited the den, you could feel your heart beating in your ears and your breath still short in your lungs. You were ashamed at how attracted to your best friend's dad you were but there was nothing for you to stop the feeling. You tried dating other men, you tried not coming over as much, but nothing worked. You constantly thought about Joel when it was late at night and your hand was in your panties, trying to give yourself some relief.

As you walked outside to the fire pit where Sarah and her friends were, you tried to blow off your thoughts about her dad and try to be in the moment with her, attempting to be present.

Sarah gets up and engulfs you in a hug, shaking you from side to side.

-

A few hours passed by filled with jokes and old stories being shared, some of which were Sarahs from the last few months at school. The bright moon was high in the starry sky, your mind still wandering to Joel every now and then just dying to know what he was thinking about. He was still in his den, you assumed scribbling notes about work. You really wanted to be in there with him on his lap, playing with his hair while he’s trying to focus on his task at hand but he can’t because your skirt is just a tad too short for his liking.

“Sarah I uh, I think I’m gonna go lay down upstairs for awhile, the smoke is giving me a headache.” You try sounding as convincing as possible and she nods, telling you that her bed is open to you if you want it. Slowly you go inside and steal a glance at Joel to make sure he’s still in his chair. The idea came to you a little while ago when you saw him through the window of his room tugging on his hoodie. How it’d feel to lay in his bed and pretend he was next to you, to smell like him and think about his hands and mouth all over you.

It took you no time to slip into his room quietly, taking light footsteps as the den was directly underneath his bedroom. His room smelled good, like laundry detergent and a little bit of cologne, the glass bottles of scents sitting on his dresser by the oscillating fan. This was definitely his favorite spot to be in, his books scattered everywhere with bookmarks in them, a pair of reading glasses from H-E-B in almost every corner. There was a small night light plugged in that glowed blue, just enough for you to see where you were going to dive straight in his bed. The soft cotton sheets felt like the ones from hotels, they stay cold no matter what and they make it that much harder to get out of.

As you sit down on his side of the bed, you observe everything on the nightstand. His wallet, loose change, some gum and old receipts from gas stations he’s been meaning to toss. Fixated on the drawer handle, you give it a tug and find who he really is inside as the contents come flying to the front. All of his pocket knives tucked away neatly with some car magazines stacked on top of each other. You begin to dig through the pile, it suddenly going from cars to girls spread apart over the tops of them right on the cover. Jackpot.

Your fingers grab the stack and toss the boring ones back inside the drawer, your other hand flipping through the other ones. Many of the pages were dog-eared, noticing rather quickly the model on them looked almost identical to you. Surely it could’ve been just a coincidence he’s got them bookmarked and they just so happen to look like you…right?

You couldn’t focus on anything but this, opening another one and flipping to every page that was dog-eared. Every. Single. Page. Looked like you.

Your excitement was flooding your panties making it hard for you to not want to touch yourself in his bed. You laid back and took the magazine with you, placing it right next to your arm as your hand inched down your skirt into your white undergarment. Your freehand covers your mouth as a whimper tries to slip out. God did you need him. You needed Joel so badly, your pussy was clenching around nothing but the pure thought of his hand touching you instead of your own.

Never in a million years did you think Joel looked at you in that way. He never once gave you the impression he wanted you, maybe he did and you just never noticed.

Your eyes closed as your fingertips circled tightly around your clit, knees bent while you squirm with pleasure wrapped up in his sheets. Joel’s fingers would feel so much better inside you while he kisses your neck, just sending you over the top and making you cum so hard you see stars.

Just as your hips started to lean into your own touch and you were finding that smooth rhythm, the door handle jiggles slightly and your whole body freezes up, fingers immediately leaving your slit. There was no time to put away what you took out, let alone get out of his bed. Before you could react more, there he was standing in the doorway, the hallway light making out his silhouette of his body.

“W-what…the hell are you doin’ in here?!” He shouts and shuts the door quickly, drawing the curtains before he turns on a lamp.

“Mr.Miller I’m so sorry I- I laid down to take a nap and I found these, I just wanted to see them I’m-” The words stuttered out of you as you sit up, smoothing your skirt down on your thighs, hoping and praying he doesn’t see your panties still pulled to the side underneath.

“You shouldn’t be lookin’ at that stuff, especially in my bed. That’s not for innocent girls like you, sweetheart.” Joel starts to gather them together, his knees on the floor on the opposite side of the bed, flailing the lude magazines around in the air when he looks up at you and sighing deeply.

“Jus..get out of my bed please. I can’t, this is so wrong. You’re my daughter's best friend, I couldn’t do that to ya-” Joel leans into his hands with his elbows leaning on the mattress, not wanting to say more than he has to. Of course he wanted you, but it was so wrong. He knew it was wrong to lay in bed at night and stare at your instagram and jack off to your face, moaning your name as he shot his load into a tissue before clearing his search history and tossing the napkin into the trash. He knew it was wrong to even buy all those magazines the moment he thought about putting them back in case someone ever found out why those specific pages were saved.

“Mr.Miller..” You whisper and get on your hands and knees to make your way in front of his face, your skirt falling above your hips. “I’m not a little girl anymore ya know. No one will have to know, I know how to keep secrets. Do you know how to keep secrets?” You grab his hand and gently pull it away from his face for him to look at you, his eyes squinting at the smirk playing against your lips.

“Not a little girl, huh? Well, I know that considering you were touching yourself in my bed, baby doll.”

“I-I don’t know wh-” The heat in your cheeks made it harder for you to articulate your words and Joel chuckled dryly, getting up and soon enough he was towering over you as you laid there on your stomach. A firm spank on your ass makes you yelp in pain and he groans at the sight of you, your tits bouncing everywhere. Joel grabs your face gently and runs his thumb over your bottom lip and makes his way inside, your tongue circling around his skin slowly.

“Goddamnit you make it so hard not to want you, baby. You wanna be a big girl and fuck a man like me huh? You ready for all that y’think?” Even though he was asking, it didn’t feel like he was asking. Joel didn’t give a shit about your answer as he knew the truth, he just wanted to see how eager you were to respond. A soft whimper came before your words, “Yes please, Mr.Miller. I need you so bad, I think about you all the time and it’s clear the feeling is mutual, considering all the bookmarked pages.” You rolled over on your back, nibbling on his thumb still as he towered over you, eyes scanning you over very closely.

“Sit up for me baby, let me sit down.”

You get up and wait eagerly for him to sit against the pillows, his hoodie coming off before he gets comfortable. “C’mere, sit in daddy’s lap.” His hand runs along his inner thigh as he watches your every move, your eyes couldn’t help but look at his growing bulge in his jeans. As you lean your back against his bare chest, his warmth radiating against you while his hands make their way up your shirt to your hardened nipples and pinches them gently. Soft kisses on your neck right below your ear start to make you squirm with your legs clamping shut, your skirt tugging in every direction to keep yourself from pleasing yourself.

“Ahhh, let’s see this one, let’s see.” He says as he grabs a magazine off the bed and flips to the first bookmarked page, a girl dressed in country attire with her breasts exposed from the flannel and her ass cheeks hanging out of what looked like jean panties but they were just super short shorts.

“You wanna know what I was thinkin’ about when I seen this one baby doll?” His mouth brushing against your earlobe as he kissed and nipped at the skin before continuing.

“I was thinkin’ about you dressin’ up like that for halloween and begging me to take off those tight little jean shorts and take you right there against my truck before takin’ your cute ass back to your house. Bet you’d love to flash me when no one’s lookin’ huh?” Joel chuckles and continues to flip pages, meanwhile your pussy was getting wetter and wetter by the second with every photo your eyes looked over.

Next one he stopped on, he made sure to open the pages wide so you could see the entire photo. She was wearing a sports jersey with little braided pigtails and spread legs over the coffee table, cupping her pussy, panties pulled to the side.

“Mmmmm, this one is my favorite,” He starts and pulls you into him tighter, “see this one, I always think about how cute you look when you’re in your jersey for football sunday, oh how I would love to spread you over my coffee table and eat your pussy right there in front of all my friends.”

You couldn’t handle it anymore, the pulsing in your pussy was eating away at you, clenching once again around nothing. Crossing your legs seemed to help, but not worth a shit.

You moan and lean your head against his collar bone, Joel’s lips automatically attacking yours. His tongue licked into your mouth, looking for yours to play with.

“Touch yourself baby, show me how you think about me when you play with that little pussy, go on baby, make me proud.”

Your hand wasted no time before meeting your clit once more only now was it coated in more slick than originally. “T-tell me more, Mr.Miller. Show me another one.” You beg and he happily flips to a new page, a POV shot of the photographer inside a car with a girl pressing her soapy wet tits against the window.

“You can wash my car like that baby, I won’t say no. Jus’ make sure you’re ready for my cock in your mouth after you do that.” moans and whimpers one after another leave your mouth as he flips through countless magazines while he bites and sucks on your neck. Joel’s tongue licks the spot he just bit, telling you you’re such a good girl for him the way you play with yourself, teasing a couple of fingers at your entrance while he shows you how much of a perv he really is.

“You want daddy to fuck you now, show you what you’ve been imagining for years? I can make you feel so good baby but you have to be quiet okay?” Joel’s hands go separate ways, one on your mouth and one replacing your hand in your panties, his thick fingers curling into your entrance coated in your sweet slick.

“Yesss daddy yes, touch me right there yes- ahh-! Shove your fingers deep inside me please, oh my god.” You growl with gritted teeth and lean into his touch, your hips raising with every thrust inside you he makes.

You could feel the white hot fire starting in your stomach, your orgasm just in reach. Joel must’ve known too because just when you grabbed his wrist and basically rubbed against it, he pushed you on your back and got on top of you, your legs folded against his chest after he ripped off your panties. Your skirt’s pushed up around your waist and Joel groans at the glimpse of your glossy cunt.

He yanked down his pants and kicked them off along with his boxers, kneeling in front of you once more, hard cock in hand. “This is so fuckin’ wrong, bunny. So wrong..” he mumbled as the tip of his cock nudged roughly against your clit.

“Daddy-oh fuck- put it inside me, please, wanna feel you ruin me, break me Mr.Miller.”

Joel groans and breathes in sharply as he tries to cram his thick cock inside your tight entrance. “God you’re so tight, princess. Don’t squirm too much, okay?” A devilish grin meets your eyes and he pushes himself deeper inside you, grabbing onto your leg and putting it on his shoulder.

“Should I get you a new anklet baby doll, one that has my name on it, so you never forget who you belong to?” He mutters against your skin before biting the inside of your ankle right under the jewelry.

You arch your back off the bed as he begins to thrust into you with every inch of him splitting you open.

“I’ll wear it proudly for you baby, no one will know how much of a slut I am for my best friend’s dad.” You cry out and Joel leans down, placing his lips to yours sloppy and getting spit all over your mouth. He drinks in your moans, fucking into you faster and harder with his balls slapping against your arousal covered pussy so good it makes a small clicking sound.

He was drilling into you, keeping your leg bent against your chest while he twisted and pinched your nipple with his free hand.

“Like that don’t ya princess? You’ve got such beautiful tits it’s hard not to wanna pull one out and suck on ‘em every time ya come over.” He grumbled, popping a nipple into his mouth, licking and biting at the hard little bud to make you cry out and tug on his soft curls.

Your body was practically throwing itself onto him, hungry for him to rot your brain and think of nothing but his dick for the next several days while you try to mimic how good you feel right now, chasing that blissful feeling like your entire body is on vibrate.

Joel cups your face with one hand, fingertips digging into your cheek to make you look at him while he pants heavily and you dip your chin down, lips parted for his thumb to find its way back to rest on your tongue.

“Fuck, Joel d-don’t stop- oh fuck!” His palm roughly covers your mouth and squeezes while you cry out louder, trying to close your legs to keep the orgasm at bay. “Shhhh easy sweet girl, easy. I know it feels good but you can’t get us caught, ‘kay?” He slows his rhythm down but it’s still just as rough, making your brows furrow and your eyes pleading for him to keep going.

You didn’t give a single fuck if you got caught. The neighbors could hear you scream his name for all you cared and you’d be proud of that. Proud to let everyone know you got fucked by your best friends dad and he was good.

“Gonna keep that pretty mouth shut for daddy or am I gonna have to fill it so you can’t scream?” He purred against your ear, only making your voice muffle louder against his palm.

The white hot pressure was coming for you again in the pit of your stomach, eyes rolling so far back in your skull you’re seeing stars.

“Cum for me baby, cmon. Show me how you used to cum all alone in your room thinkin’ about a old man like me filling you so full of my cock you’d rub yourself raw because it felt so good.” Joel reached down between your two lower abdomens that were pressed together and started to rub your clit with his thumb, his fingers resting just above your bundle of nerves. His body was on top of yours, weighing you to the mattress so you couldn’t run from what was about to happen as his hips kept your legs from meeting together.

“Daddy, oh fuck- yes please don’t st-top, keep it j-ust like that- yes yes yes yes-”

The shrieking moans you were letting out had Joel grinning proudly at what he was doing to you, how fucked out he had you.

The circling on your clit sent you over the edge and soon enough your pussy was squeezing around him, barely croaking out his name and your body jolted with every wave of pleasure washing over you.

Joel laughed menacingly and pulled his cock out of you, the cold air brushing against your slick covered cunt.

He straddled your chest and started to jerk off right above your face, the tip leaking cum, dripping down your chin. Joels grunts get deeper and deeper the faster he moves his fist over the swollen tip of his cock, his stomach caving with every breath.

Hot ropes of cum splatter on your face and neck, some going in your mouth as Joel’s head tips back while he paints your face. The curls that are stuck to his forehead with sweat make you giggle, his whole entire chest glistening faintly with sweat.

“Fuuuuuuckk baby- Jesus Christtt” he growls as he finishes himself off, milking his cock empty of cum. His thumb sloppily wipes up the liquid from your cheeks and puts it on your tongue, making you swallow every last drop. “That’s my fuckin good girl, yesss” he mutters against your puffy swollen lips, licking at your tongue.

You already wanted him to make you cum again but there was no time, you heard everyone cleaning up outside as chairs were being scooted across the patio and cans were tossed in the trash. Joel got off your chest and tugged on his pajama pants from the dresser, grinning at you.

“Be good and come find me after everyone falls asleep, I’m not done with your cute ass just yet.” His hand slips around your waist and pulls you in for a chest kiss while you pull down your skirt. The back door opened downstairs and there was no chance in hell you’d find your panties, leaving you comando as you ran across the hall and into your sleeping back with the covers over everything except your head. Your smile was from ear to ear, and fuck were you absolutely going to find him later.

A few days later he brought over his famous pancakes for breakfast in the same container your brownies were in.

[danwhobrowses]

One Piece Chapter 1114 - Initial Thoughts

And we are back

TCB uploaded on a Thursday for the first time in yonks, but it had to be midway through my trip back from work

but anyway, GLOBAL WARMING! Vegapunk is pouring the tea, the world is sinking, so what more does he have to say and how will the world react?

Spoilers for the Chapter, Support the Official Release Also!

Yamato's pilgrimage involves taking the long way around Wano to bring Yasuie's sword to the Enma shrine (the god of the underworld not Zoro's sword)

We'll likely encounter a bunch of characters on the trek but it surprises me that he's bringing back Yasuie's sword and not Shusui to Ryuma's grave. Either are still fine but I feel like that had more narrative significance, though if that was the task then Zoro wouldn't have been able to visit his grave off-screen - which should've very much been on-screen!

You know the tea is spilling when the chapter title is 'The wings of Icarus'

Naturally, the world takes in the revelation we left off on

The Navy reacts first, the Vice Admirals in disbelief but Akainu silent

Mock Town of all places is next, filled with nonbelievers of dreams, they mock the smartest man on the planet and deem themselves wise

Water Seven are shocked too, finding it difficult to believe that it's the whole world and not just them

Paulie and Pepe Lulu cameo too (love Franky but in another life I would've liked to have seen Paulie as a Straw Hat, would've been a perfect foil for Sanji too since he's a bashful perv, plus Nami would totally abuse how bad he is with gambling)

Doflamingo of course is revelling in the news, mocking Magellan about how this affects Impel Down

It's so surreal to me how we all know that Doflamingo is a menace, his debut literally involved him pitting marines against one another, but now he's in Impel Down he's just chilling, on his back just vibing with people like Magellan and Tsuru

It seems the Mother Flame's flooding did cause some problems for Impel Down

Doffy predicts that it'll take 5 more meters for most of the world to be flooded

He also implies evacuating 'somewhere high up' - like the Red Line maybe?

Fishman Island also reacts to the news, like everyone else they find it hard to believe

Back at Egghead though, the Buster Call don't care if it's valid, it's coming from Vegapunk so it holds weight but either way it's bringing unrest and discourse

The Gorosei meanwhile are livid, even considering going scorched earth to stop it

York is also annoyed, suck on it

Vegapunk makes a prediction, accurately pointing out the weather effects of Lulusia being wiped out

That for sure has got people more convinced, given how it's pre-recorded

Surprise Smoothie and Mont D'or cameos too!

And another already flooded island is surprised how much to a tee Vegapunk got the prediction right

Damn even Tonjit from Long Ring Long Land is getting a cameo!

Aokiji bandaged up also listens from Fullalead

Vegapunk also calls out that the earthquakes were not natural, which really sets the Gorosei off

The Straw Hats continue to fend off Saturn to protect Robin, with Lilith also in on the fight

Most of them get knocked away though, being caught by Robin's Spider Web

Saturn does still appear to be showing some damage, so still props to the crew for doing the job

Because Saturn has shifted his priority from Robin, making his way to the power station to protect it

Saturn crashes in, as Vegapunk explains his obsession with finding an unlimited energy source

Back to his 'human' form, Saturn basks in the Mother Flame

I was expecting something different, but it is a tiny flame kept in a giant tank

I wonder if the S-108 and the A&Mu stand for something? The latter are not elements on the Periodic Table

Also it's a flame inside liquid, A FLAME INSIDE OF LIQUID!

The Sleeping Giant still is on the move, passing unfazed through fire and flame

Even the Giants are struggling in the flames, still in pursuit by Warcury

Luffy however is back in Gear Fifth, that fermented shark meat must've done the trick

Marejois is stirring though, because Vegapunk has just brought up the void century

Most of the Celestial Dragons are in uproar, blaming the marines and feeling big enough to take on Vegapunk to kill him themselves

Though, interestingly, Saint Shalria - Charloss' sister - seems almost intrigued, it appears not all the Celestial Dragons know about the Void Century

Vegapunk goes on to talk about how the Poneglyphs are key to the void century

In a woodland a giant lounges as he takes in the news, the familiar laugh of Dereshishishi coming from him

I'm still not certain it's Jaguar D. Saul mind you, why hide his face for so long?

Man we're even going as far back as Orange Town!

With the Mayor and Chouchou!

The benefits of having a 20+ year manga is how you can bring back so many minor characters briefly to just show the entire scale of the world that's been built

We also see Margaret from Amazon Lily, her face seems conflicted

Vegapunk however explains that his second sin was trying to decipher the Poneglyphs, using documentation gathered from Ohara

Since Luffy could hear the broadcast I'm sure Robin is hearing it too, I wonder how she feels about Vegapunk about to lore drop a bunch of Poneglyph stuff she didn't get to discover herself

Brook is also calling for Zoro and Jinbe, not sure what their status is, same with Franky, Bonney, Atlas and Sanji vs V. Nusjuro

'History is a story, after all' is a lowkey banger line

But the Labophase is behaving differently, the clouds are stretching

Edison's plan has come into action, making the clouds wider so the Sunny can drop off into the ocean

Credit to Usopp for figuring it out too

Seems like the little tyke isn't making it out, it may end up being just Lilith at this stage

Vegapunk keeps going, stating that he only knows little about the void century, so he'll give the world some of the only facts he knows

Luffy strikes Warcury again with a Gear Fifth big punch, but the result hurts his hand all the same

Meanwhile Vegapunk details the story of a person born 900 years ago to a bountiful and advanced kingdom

Just like Nika, he had an elastic and stretchy body - which the world will very much connect to Luffy - called Joy Boy

Joy Boy was the first man to take to the seas: The First Pirate

But a break again next week, I know last week was a SJ break than an Oda break but c'mon I feel like he does this every year!

Oda sure loves to set a stage huh? What do you mean Joy Boy was the first pirate? That'd imply he's rebelling against something right? Was the advanced kingdom too restrictive maybe? So much still yet to be said

For the most part, what the characters were doing this chapter were secondary to this announcement built up, it's still cool that the Straw Hats deterred Saturn away from Robin - though we are overdue seeing Jinbe and Zoro do something of substance. Ju Peter and Mars are still kinda floating around, Doll and Bluegrass were circling the island last we saw them too. But yeah, lots of unique and surprising cameos, the mystery deepens as the plot continues somehow to thicken.

[poesbeforeprose]

Chapter 1:

I shifted in my chair as the chime caught my attention. A simple notice of an emergency call being answered. Not by me however. I was currently swiping through another chapter of “Love Lies Lost” as my coffee was going cold. Four in the morning was a haunting time for the base mostly because of how quiet and contained it had become. Most of our troubles were miles away and mine especially were just down the road. Unlike most people stationed here, I was able to finish my shift and go home if I wished but not much was there save my cat and stack of unread books.

“Odie.” My radio called. The voice I immediately recognized as Keaton was on the other line.

I closed my phone and clicked the comm, “Go ‘head Kit.”

“You should see this. Headed to you now.”

The line went dead shortly after which meant a few things. Either Keaton was going to personally show me some fucked up side of the internet he was entirely too proud of, he was about to show me something on his phone that would be suspect to prying eyes, or lastly something big just came to our station. The latter was the one that was the most rare. Keaton took pride in the fine and exquisite taste of raunchy and dark humor, but he also got a kick out of showing off all the subscription sites he was plugged to. In short, the guy was a perv, but who wasn’t in a quiet and lonely place like this?

After a moment or two, he rounded the corner into my small office space. Immediately his eyes were not of wild pleasure and glee, but instead were almost rounded with fright and dismay.

“Dude.” He whispered. He checked back into the hall and gazed about the room before saying anything. “You need to come with me to ER, right now.”

My boots hit the floor before he could say anything and I felt my heart flutter, “What’s up? Is something happening?”

He gave me a smirk, “Calm down cadet, no combat here. Except the Jane that just rolled in. You won’t believe it.”

I could feel my shoulders give way. Keaton also had this knack of sticking his hands deep into my brain and squeezing the exact nerve that triggered my anxiety. I could relax just a beat because I felt like he was about to tell me about the girl that just came into the station was probably “hot” or something.

“What is it? Is she dismembered or something?” I exhaled, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“Dude, no. The opposite. She has a nasty look about her. Scars from nape to neck and everything. I looked at her file really fast and came over. She’s practically a celebrity in some parts of the force.” Keaton, keeping his voice sullen and controlled was remaining vigilant to sharp ears.

“Oh? Big deal huh?”

“Yeah. Spec Ops brother. Task Force One. Four. One.”

I felt the pit in my stomach disappear into the floor.

——————————————

“Dude shut up and keep your head down.” Keaton said. Since then we cut through security checkpoints back to the way he came.

Standard procedure in this case would be extremely off the record and kept close to the chest. For me to even be in the same building Keaton works in made my palms sweat.

“I am not supposed to be in here right now.” I muttered as a nurse passed by. Keaton elbowed me in the ribs.

“Fuckin’ chill Brodie. You’re gonna be fine.”

He grabbed a clipboard off the nearest desk and pretended to be flipping through a chart as another gentleman at least in his forties strolled by. I could see the parade of demerits and flogging coming my way if we ran into the wrong CO. Please God if you’re up there, send as many guardian angels as you can.

“Henderson!” A voice shouted from behind us and we froze in our tracks.

God, you must really hate us right now.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Dr. Josiah Pierce, one of the oldest and crummiest men on the planet could turn anyone’s blood to stone.

“Dr. Pierce! Yes, my apologies for the late call. I was bringing Caleb Thompson up for my walk about. He is an orderly after all.”

Dr. Pierce’s steel grey eyes cut to the bone as he looked me over, “Ah. I’ve heard about you. I understand the skeleton crew call you ‘Odie’?”

“Y-yes sir. That’s a nickname.”

“It’s a shitty nickname.”

Keaton and I stiffened, “Yes. Yes it is sir.” I simply replied.

“Henderson, make this quick. We don’t have time for showboating and sticking our noses in shit that we can’t comprehend. We got her taken care of.”

Keaton was taken aback, “Got who taken care,”

“Cut the shit son, I know you were taking him to the op. Just be quick about it and get the fuck out of my wing.” Pierce muttered. Keaton snatched me by the arm and led me away.

“Yes sir. Right away sir.” He chimed.

After he was hopefully out of earshot I said, “Kit you’re going to get me strung up on display in the front fucking lobby.”

“Relax my compadre, we’re here.”

My eyes scanned the room, and there was a single nurse taking notes at the moment. Keaton, ever the charmer, strolled up to her right side, leaving me in the doorway.

“Natalie, what’s up lady? Doing alright in here?”

She didn’t even jump in the slightest as he approached her. Apparently she was used to this every night. “Hi Keaton.”

She turned to see me standing alone there, “And you are?”

“Thompson. Caleb. I’m just tagging along.”

“Yeah, Caleb here is a little bit of a fan when it comes to special forces, runs in his blood. Too bad he had a few bad run ins which sidelined him.” Keaton droned on. I looked at my feet as she looked me over. As the conversation shifted away from me however, it gave me an opportunity to slide over the bedside of the operative.

I could feel my heart slamming against my chest. First impression showed she was shorter than me, at least five years younger but battle scarred. I was careful not to touch her but just examine anything out of the ordinary. Although I’m certain she had already been in good hands. Her hair fell about the pillow in a wave of inky blackness. Looking over her arms I could see bruises, cuts, and even one long wound that had closed some time ago on her inner bicep. I swallowed hard as I tried not to stare too deeply into her facial features but it was like looking at a porcelain doll. Her skin was fair and taken care of, lips firm and unblemished, and a jawline that seemed so defined for her career choice. In a word, she was beautiful, but then I looked at her hands to see the other side of the story.

They were worn past their expiration date. Knicks, cuts, bruises, scars, and even her fingernails seemed to be damaged. Just looking at her I could tell that whatever past she had, whatever battles she had experienced, all of her stories boiled down to one simple fact. She has killed before and she was incredibly good at it. I gulped down the knot in my throat and exhaled softly away from her.

“So, get this Odie, wanna see something cool?” Keaton snapped my attention and I turned to see he was holding her file. He thumbed through a few pages and stopped on a note.”

“Check her callsign.”

He passed me the chart and I looked to see first her name and then the name that run a chill down my spine. Nyx Stevenson, code name “Cadaver”.

“Holy shit.” I muttered.

Suddenly her hand lashed out and latched onto my wrist. I didn’t realize I was that close to her still?

She groaned softly, almost a purr, “Simon.”

Keaton and I looked at one another, “Who the fuck is Simon?”

[fartfinder]

It was the beginning of a new school year and all you could think about was seeing all the hot jocks every single day. All of last year you had stayed after school to secretly watch them practice football. You did this with every sport. The basketball boys were some of your favorites because they all knew you were a giant perv. Last year you volunteered to be the basketball team manager since the football team was full. The amount of farts you had to smell were unreal. This one boy especially made you his personal target. His name was Conner Millikan. His dad was one of the main football coaches and his mom worked in the office. He was a beautiful specimen. 6” 5 and 235 lbs of hunkiness. His ass was big enough to swallow 10 basketballs and more. He also had a meaty gut covered in dark brown hair that hung out of his shirt more times than not. He mostly spent his time shoveling food down his throat and belching and farting in my general direction. I was his target for the rest of the year. Sometimes he would stay after practice a little late. And one day I Decided to figure out why, so I made my way to the locker room. As I walked in I was instantly hit with the stench of jockstraps and cum all mixed with hot shit. Then all of a sudden it sounded like someone blew up. It was Conner in the stall taking a massive dump. Ffffflllrppppppppp.

“God damnnn”! He proclaimed. “I ate too many beans last night”.

Last night was the team bonding at the coaches house with all you can eat everything. The coach was pretty well off so he made sure his team ate like Kings.

You were so mesmerized by the sound of Conner shitting that you forget this was real life. All of a sudden he erupted from the stall and tackled you to the ground. He started shoving your head into his arm pits, you resisted the urge to lick the hot stinky crevice. He started spanking your ass and calling you a dirty fag.

“Your such a dirty little cunt, suck me off fucker”!

“No please Conner, I’m sorry I...I don’t know what I was thinking, please don’t make me”.

“None of the girls wanna do it cause I stink to much”! He said. “They come into my room and see my shit stained undies and my pissed covered jock straps and they bolt, but you won’t go anywhere piggy hahaha”! The rest was so foggy only because Conner shoved you so far into his ass crack that you couldn’t feel your nose anymore. He would feel a fart coming and force it out as hard as he could. That’s when he finally forced out a really wet fart and it was all over your face. He didn’t stop there he put his dick in your face continually jerking it and coating you entire existence in thick salty straight boy cum. That’s when he left you stranded on the locker room floor to soak in his stink. Leaving the school that day was hard because it would be a whole season until you got to go back and hopefully get in good with some of the jocks. But before you left you set up a hidden camera in the locker room that could record the football team over the summer when you couldn’t be there. The first day back at school back you were so excited. You finally got to check the camera. You rushed down in the morning to the locker room to check the camera and see all the hot jocks shitting and farting around each other for a whole summer straight. Walking into the locker room you instantly became hard. The boys at this school were absolutely HUGE slobs and so were the coaches and it showed. The coaches room was separated from the main locker room as well as the showering hall. Each area was a different kind of dirty. Coach Oram and his son Dylan were the head football coaches, both were disgusting, smelly people. There was about 7 lbs of shit covered tighty whities stacked high in one corner and about 7 jars full of cum. The coaches loved to jerk off. Both of the oram boys were insane gas machines. They always farted in the teams face as punishment for not playing well. One thing they made sure of is to keep the coaches quarters stocked with plenty of beans and broccoli . The perfect recipe for Giant toilet dumps and raging farts. They also implemented this with the team too.

As soon as you couldn’t find the camera Casey M came up to you.

“You lookin for somethin pervert”? He screamed.

“no uh nothin”. You replied afraidly.

“Alright faggot haha I know you snooped on us over the summer, we can do this the easy way or the hard way”! “The easy way is your gonna tell me the truth about being a big giant perv, or you get a one way ticket to the toilet I just took a shit in and 2 hours under my stinky butthole.

Casey was not a small guy by any means. He was a big lineman. Standing at 5’9” about 300 lbs of fat and muscle. He was very wide with an enormous ass and tanned skin from farm work. He was very masculine and dominant making him more and more enticing. Eventually you couldn’t bring your self to admit being a giant perv as well as secretly wanting to die under Casey’s ass. Casey instantly grabbed you and shoved your head in the toilet his just took a giant shit in. Your face mushed against the toilet bowl. And boy did it stink. Casey flushed the toilet as the smelly water whirled around your face and instantly became sucked into the toilets abyss. He grabbed you by your shirt and slammed you into the ground and made his bare ass comfortable on your face. His hairy cheeks spread giving me the perfect view of his unclean ass crack, and then he sat. He was straddling my face bare assed. I tried to hold my breath for as long as I could but I was already so weak at that point that in only fifteen seconds I was already inhaling his shitty butt. The smell was horrid. I was gagging immediately but I knew things were only about to get worse. "OHHH boy I feel em comin. These are going to be real bad for you bitch boy HAHAH" he laughed at me as I suffered and then he released. PHRSSTTTSSSSSSSSSGRLLLLGGRRRPHHRRPP The fart was godly. It made my face vibrate and the immediately singed my nostrils. The smell was worse than anything I had ever encountered in my life time.

PHRRRT SSHRPHHRLLRP. SHTRTTRTRT "HUFF THOSE FARTS" he yelled down to me joyously as he began to lightly bounce his bare ass up and down on my face.

“Look Casey I’m so sorry I’m a fag and I wanted to jerk off to you guys”

“Now that’s the answer I wanted to hear”! He said happily.

“Will you let me go please”?

“Lemme think....NO Hahahahaha”! “You’re gonna stay here until I’m done”. As he said this he started smacking his giant gut and ripped a 12 second wet fart that splattered the last bit of shit on your face.

At this point he’s been getting creative, so he just lightly bounces on my face, it’s like my face is being patted by his moist ass. He’s laughing the whole time but then he open his ass cheeks and rips a huge gurgley fart lasting 7 seconds. He’s still laughing and sits down. My hearing is muffled and my nose is filled with shit smell but I can still hear him chuckling. He lifts up, “You were in position at the perfect time bud”.

“I think you need a closer smell” he says. “I can smell it enou-“ im cut off again by his huge wet smelly ass rubbing around violently.

Casey finally let me go after releasing a giant belch in my face. “Get lost perv”! He screamed.

With that you left the locker room camera less and covered in jock stink. It was nearing the end of the school and you needed that camera back. So you made your way back to the locker room to make a deal. The football captain Luke sutey came up to you. Everyone on the team called him big booty sutey and that was no lie. He approached you only wearing some stained boxers with holes in the ass and crotch.

“Listen I want to make a deal” you said. “If you give me my video camera I will do anything for the team”.

“Anything haha”? Luke was thinking...

Eventually they came to the conclusion that you would be the water boy for the whole team and you’d also be in charge of other things. As well as you would have to spend the night at a different players house every night as well as get sat on my the Oram boys.

The following week it was time for the first away game. As soon as school ended it was time to load up the bus and head to the stadium for the game. It was about a 4 hour drive and you were stuck and the Varsity bus. You were hoping to sit in the front with the driver to avoid any farts or unnecessary wedgies or wet willies but it turned out that Coach Oram was the bus driver. You know if you sat by him he’d shove you under his asscrack for the whole ride. You started walking up the stairs right behind Louis W. He was know for being extremely gassy. This time was different as he was walking in front of you he let out a loud rip but it was more than a rip. Louis filled the back of his pants with shit. “Oh fuck I shit my self, oh well I’ll just let you sniff it while I sit on your face”! Louis was so cocky about beating you up with his stench. As the bus ride went on you thought maybe nothing would happen, maybe the jocks would just leave you alone.

It was about 2 hours into the bus ride and Cade Williams came up to you and dragged you to the back of the bus. “I gotta shit so bad little faggot”! “And your gonna smell and watch me”

“Please no Cade, you smell like shit”.

Maybe it was because it was shit. The bus soddenly started to fill up with the rotten stench of shit and farts. Every football player was holding there stomache whilst it was gurgling. Every football player was splattering hot farts out of there assholes. Both of the Oram boys were in hysterics, they loved bathroom humor and to be trapped in a shit smelling bus was just the thing to make them laugh. It only got worse from there. Each player brought a giant can of expired chilli with them and as soon as the stank left there ass they made sure to fuel up for more. Number 54 Casey Moddrell was the biggest player on the bus. He took up one seat and ate 5 cans of beans to himself. He and his buddies made there way through the shit smelling hallway and went to your seat. What they did next was unbelievable. Daniel Held open your mouth really wide. You started squirming and whining and eventually your dick got super hard. Konner kept breathing in air through his mouth and Belching it in your face, it was so gross that you even had food particles in your face. Eddie came up next and started to make your situation worse. He spat on his hand and started stroking your cock. It enlarged so much that you didn’t know how much more you could handle. The kept stroking and spitting and burping and and farting and you were squirming around, so confused and aroused. Now was the big moment. Casey pulled his shit stained football pants down and placed his asshole over your mouth. Now that your lips were right against his hole he could do his worst.

“Any last worlds shithead”!!!

All you could do was moan. Casey grunted and out came the loudest, lumpiest most wet sound ever. Farts started pouring out of his asshole right into your mouth. It was so bad but so good that you just let go and came everywhere. Every jock on that bus was soaked in an ungodly amount of sweat. But that didn’t stop Casey. He continued to groan as he farted down your throat. Eventually he ran dry and sealed the deal with some powerful belches. “GOD DAMN IM A SMELLY BASTARD”!! He was so proud of his accomplishment. Your body had changed drastically as well. All of the gas sat in your stomach just waiting to be released, it was the worst feeling. All you could remember was feeling nauseous, sticky and bloated. You’re gut was probably bigger than a 45 year old dads beer gut. Over this course of time you had been destroyed by the football team and the coaches couldn’t even give a fuck. For all you know they probably added to the stench themselves too. They are as equally alpha and disgusting as the team. It was halfway through the ride to the game and we stopped for an all paid for all you can eat buffet. You could already tell this wasn’t going to be good. On your way out of the bus Coach Oram stopped you.

“What the hell happened to you faggot”?

“Casey buttfucked his mouth hahahah”. Konner proclaimed.

“What a fucking loser” Oram said.

At that moment you could feel something unsettled in your stomach things weren’t feeling quite right. In that instance the gas was slipping out of your asscrack so you dropped your pants and everything spewed out everywhere. Most of it was on the Oram boys. Everybody on that bus was smothered in the same farts and you were to blame. What they did next, now not even that could be put into words..

[patina-millers-biceps]

Tell us how you would redo SMASH tell ussssss

OH HELL YEH Thanks.

OK, SO in my ideal world, Smash runs for 5 seasons. Remember that bc I’ll come back to that later. Overall Tone: I would take it all... and dial it up to 100.  Remember Ellis? Now EVERY character is that fucking crazy. It’s like Glee if Glee was self-aware to how batshit crazy it was, and relished it. The problem was that Theresa Rebeck (season 1) knows what NYC theatre is like, tried to be realistic, but also make it relatable to middle America, and that Joshua Safran (season 2) does not but also tried the same things. When really they needed someone who A) knew what NYC theatre was like B) didn’t give a fuck and C) didn’t give a fuck also about if middle America found it relatable.  But Sarah! What about viewings? You ask. Well, if YOU’RE the moron who’s going to write about a hyper-specific industry I think you just gotta dive in. Commit. Make everything fucking crazy and completely unrelatable to literally everyone. Riverdale that shit but make it good writing. Ultimately, it’s why season 1 worked better. Because at least my girl Theresa knew how to write drama without resorting to burying her gays. I think she should have taken it up higher though. Like, when Uma Thurman’s character got an allergic reaction? I think Karen and Ivy should have teamed up to poison her. I said what I said.  As for the Team Ivy vs. Team Karen? We’re balancing a tricky line here bc it has to be dramatic but also not misogynistic. (that season 1 Ivy character assassination? Bad.)   Ideally, these two would go from hating each others GUTS to reluctantly teaming up against movie star Rebecca (Uma Thurman would thus have to appear earlier and stay longer), deciding that they are in love actually like each other, and cheering on their successes and hating on the MEN who force them against each other. (But while we’re on the subject... #TeamIvy).  That Out Of The Way: Season 1: The Bombshell Workshop Phase Season 1 would ONLY follow the workshop phases of season 1. Which is most of it. Here we have Ivy and Karen’s strangers to enemies to reluctant teammates to friends to lovers arc. This is the emotional core of the show. Rebecca Uma Thurman has to show up around the midway point. Julia’s adoption arc? Throw it out. Sorry Ms. Rebeck i stan you but it sucks. Focus on her and Tom’s friendship as the secondary emotional standpoint. They’ve worked with with other for years!! That dynamic is awesome!! But they were fighting the whole ass show??? Nah. Pit them against Derek. I would change nothing with Eileen.  Oh I also don’t give a shit about Karen’s shitty boyfriend. Season 2: The Bombshell Out of Town Tryout/ Enter Hit List  The first half of season two is the out of town tryout with #TeamIvyKaren against #TeamRebecca coming to a head through rehearsals and the first few previews. Like, I’m talking some Phantom of the Opera level fuckery these two are doing. Falling set pieces, costume malfunction, Ivy actually fucking putting the peanuts in her smoothie. It’s seen as OK bc in this version of Smash Rebecca is a terrible person who has no respect for the ~~**~Theatre~~**~~ The creative team still choose Karen as Marilyn (why?) but she doesn’t get good reviews!! This causes Karen to freak out if the theatre life is really right for her when she meets Jimmy and Kyle. Karen jumps ship to Hit List, Ivy rises to her rightful place as Marilyn in Bombshell. Rehearsals begin to reshape the show for Broadway, Hit List lands its Off-Broadway run. Season 3: Broadway Here I Come/ It’s Tony Time Babey!!  Bombshell opens on Broadway, Hit List opens Off-Broadway and KYLE DOESN’T FUCKING DIE (He still gets hit by a car, everyone thinks he died at first, but he’s just in a coma for a few episodes wherein he has weird out-of-body experiences.) Hit List transfers to Broadway.  BUT WE HAVE SOME DRAMA because Movie Star Rebecca has landed the role of Maggie in a revival of Cat on a Hot Tin Roof! We have some cross-show hate bt Bombshell/ Hit List/ and Cat on a Hot Tin Roof because they’re all on 45th street. There’s drama bt Julia and Kyle bc of Kyle’s fling with Tom! But will it last? No! Kyle ends up really hitting it off with Wesley Taylor’s ensemble member character when he visits Tom backstage at Bombshell! Eileen threw one too many drink in her ex husbands face and he’s legally blind now also she’s producing Bombshell AND Hit List! I’m fucking crapping that shit with Ana getting booted from Hit List and Derek being a perv. Karen and ivy still really hate Rebecca (??? it’s Smash it doesn’t have to make sense!) so they stage a coup and replace her in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with Jennifer Hudson’s character! The Tonys happen! I liked how they worked out in the show, so i’ll keep that. Jimmy still goes to prison! Tom gets back together with Sam!  Season 4: That’s How We Keep 8 Shows A Week Fresh Y’all  Basically what it sounds like. We go back and forth between Hit List and Bombshell and the absolute CHAOS of backstage on Fake Broadway. There’s a snowstorm that shuts down the city, people hooking up backstage. Derek has an actual redemption arc. Ivy does not get knocked up bc she knows how to use birth control. The Big Story is how bc Eileen is involved with some illegal shit if it’s going to all come crashing down on the unsuspecting actors and writers. Tom and Julia start writing their Great Gatsby Musical. Fictional Lin-Manuel Miranda is there. Jimmy gets out of prison and rejoins the cast. This season takes up about 2 years of time and will be dubbed the weakest one by critics and fans alike.  Season 5: Big Finish!   Bombshell and Hit List have been running for about 3 years total by now. Eileen’s illegal shit comes out. Bombshell and Hit List have to close! It’s a really long that takes up the whole season. All the camp of the previous seasons is gone now and it actually is really beautiful and sad. Some real “What I Did For Love” shit.  At the end, Hit List is able to transfer back Off-Broadway a la Jersey Boys and Avenue Q with a new producer, Bombshell dies but goes out strong and is recorded for PBS and eventual DVD. Ivy now finds out she’s pregnant and also joins the workshop of The Great Gatsby The Musical as Daisy, Ana is Jordan Baker, Sam is Jay Gatsby, Nick Carraway is played Nick Jonas’s character who no one has seen since season 1. Derek is the director.  Another Op’ning Another Show yall.  Karen and Ivy reunite to sing “Big Finish”  End of Series.    You’re welcome everyone, even though literally only 1 person asked for this. 

[anotherfiveyears]

6: School’s Out

"It fucking burns, dude!"

"Well, I followed the directions on the box!"

"Get it off my head!" David screamed, leaning over the bathtub at his house while Jimmy flailed around behind him.

"If we take it off now it won't dye!"

"Just the part on my head, then!"

He leaned into the tub while Jimmy rinsed the dye from his scalp, careful to keep the white bleach in the ends.

"Better?" Jimmy asked, helping him sit up to keep the water from dripping in his eyes.

"Yeah, thanks," David sighed. "Fuck, dude! How do girls do this shit?"

"What are you two morons doing?" Lisa asked, hurrying down the hallway to see what all the screaming was about.

"We're bleaching his hair," Jimmy replied, focused on re-reading the back of the box of dye.

"Shit," she groaned. "Does mom know?"

"No."

"Okay!" she cried, throwing her hands up and heading back down the hallway to her room. "I officially had nothing to do with this!"

*

"Oh... oh my god," Anna stopped short in the doorway when she arrived for her shift at the record shop. "David! What did you do?!"

"I'm a blonde!" he grinned at her, though it looked more like he was bearing his teeth.

Anna stifled a laugh with her hand as she made her way to him, circling him to get a better look at his hair. "Half blonde, at least," she snickered.

"Yeah, well... apparently, bleach is made of actual fire, so we decided against putting it on my scalp."

She burst out laughing at that, unable to contain it any longer. "It's all brassy! Were you going for Dee Snyder or Debbie Harry?"

"Neither?"

"Good, cause you missed both by a long shot," she giggled and ran her fingers through his hair.

He closed his eyes at the feeling and leaned into her. "I did this for you, you know."

"You did not," she gasped, ripping her hand away.

"You said you liked blondes," he gave her the same grin he gave the cop the night before.

"David!" she cried, scurrying back to the counter.

"Anna!" he mocked.

"No, you know what?" she leaned her elbows on the glass covered table and coyly smiled back at him. "I love it."

"Really?"

"Yes, really," she nodded and watched him carefully as he got closer to her. "I love that it's different. If you're gonna be my boyfriend, you can't be boring."

"So I'm your boyfriend now?" he teased, feeling his heart pound in his chest.

"Sorry, kitten," she laughed. "After being so gallant last night you kinda have to be. You're just gonna have to get used to it."

"Anna honey, I need you to inventory the-," her dad stopped his interruption short and stared at David over the top of his glasses. "Dear lord, son. What did you do to your head?" He looked around in confusion when both David and Anna began to laugh.

*Early June 1985*

"Anne, the office is asking for you."

She looked up from her calculus final at her teacher and immediately gathered her things into her leather book bag before leaving class. She worriedly jogged down the hallway and into the office where she was met with the dean.

"Anne, your uncle is here. He says there's a family emergency."

She frowned at him and looked around, knowing she didn't have an uncle. Her mom had a couple sisters, but they were unmarried and living on opposite sides of the country. A man in an ill-fitting suit waiting just beyond some glass doors was staring hard at her and Anna turned sharply. "May I please leave my bag with you, Dean Morgan?"

"Of course," he nodded solemnly and took the bag from her. "Would you like me to walk you out?"

"No, no thank you, sir," she whispered, pretending like she was about to cry. "It's just that Gam-Gam has been so sick lately and..."

"I'm so sorry, Anne," he said, awkwardly placing his hand on her shoulder. "I've already rescheduled your finals, take all the time you need."

She kept her head down, darting out the office doors into the breezeway where her "uncle" was admiring a large mural painted on the brick wall. "Come on!" she whispered harshly and opened the doors to freedom. They ran down the front steps and dove into the little blue pickup idling in the drop off lane. Anna slid across the vinyl seat and under David's arm while Jimmy climbed into the passenger seat beside her.

"Go, go, go!" Anna yelled and David threw the truck into gear.

"I can't believe that fucking worked," Jimmy laughed once they cleared the parking lot.

"Where the hell did you get that suit?" Anna laughed, helping him out of the oversized sportcoat and tie.

"My brother," he shrugged. "Can we go get Melissa now?"

*

David and Anna waited while Jimmy ran up the walk to Melissa's house.

"So why'd you spring me?" she asked and leaned into him.

"It's a surprise. No one goes to school the last month anyway, you nerd," he shrugged and kissed her, dragging his arms down her sides to the top of her plaid skirt. "How is it that we've been going out for three months and I've never seen you in your school uniform?"

"Because it's a method of oppression meant to keep girls from getting an equal education," she muttered into his shoulder, sighing when he raised an eyebrow at her. "Because it's itchy and I take it off the moment I get a chance?"

David looked out the truck windows and around the quiet street they were on. "You have a chance right now..."

"Perv," she laughed and punched his shoulder, but let him kiss her until Jimmy returned with Melissa.

The four of them crammed into the bench seat of David's pickup, heading north on the parkway while blasting This Side Up, the latest Scream record Anna had scooped up for David just before it was released in May. He knew she was getting worried, they had been driving for an hour and were just on the outskirts of Baltimore, but he had cleared everything with her father already. "If you can get her out of class without getting caught, I'll buy all four of you hooligans tickets," he had said. The four Scream tickets were waiting in David's paycheck envelope that morning. He slowed down as they passed the venue in downtown Baltimore, an actual club, not some community center or crumbling military building they were used to punk shows being booked in.

"You're fucking kidding me," Anna whispered, reading the marquee. Her eyes slid to David when he only answered with a quiet smile and she shrieked loudly, making Jimmy and Melissa jump. She scrambled to kiss him, pulling his face towards her.

"Anna, I'm driving!"

*

Anna and Melissa sat at the crowded bar while Dave and Jimmy stood behind them, waiting for the support band to finish up. Both girls had fake IDs and had managed to charm security enough to look the other way when their boyfriends followed them to the bar. David had suspected Anna's school uniform had something to do with it and resolved to stick close to her for the night. In an educational setting her knee-high socks, plaid skirt, and white oxford shirt were fitting, but in a punk club, she looked like jailbait or an extra in a Van Halen video. "You guys should go get a spot in the pit now if you want a good one," Melissa said.

David and Jimmy exchanged a look and shook their heads. "Nah, we're fine here," Jimmy replied, though he didn't sound very convincing.

Now was it was Anna and Melissa's turn to share a glance. They had become close over the course of dating two best friends. "Like hell you are," Anna snorted. "Go. We're just fine up here."

"I'm not leaving you alone in a bar in that outfit," he muttered, then immediately regretted it by the look on her face.

"Well if you didn't want me to wear this, you should have gotten me a change of clothes before kidnapping me," Anna said the last words loud enough that several people turned to stare at them.

"Yeah, cause I totally could have walked in your front door and asked your parents to pack up your club clothes, Annie," he shot back.

She frowned and shifted a little on her bar stool. "Will you two just go and have fun? We'll meet you by the car if anything happens."

Melissa nodded and that was all Jimmy needed before setting his beer back on the bar. "Come on, man," he said, nudging David's shoulder.

David stole a glance at the pit which was filling up fast as people arrived for Scream and felt a small shove on his arm. "Go," Anna insisted, flashing him a confident smile over her beer. "Have fun!"

Scream was in perfect form, thrashing their way through the setlist with the kind of vigor that made David wonder if there was a major studio scout in the audience. He would occasionally catch a glimpse of Anna and Melissa leaning against the bar with smiles on their faces before returning to the mayhem that was the pit. Two hours later, the band left the stage and the crowd was screaming for an encore when David saw Melissa and Anna shoving their way through the crowd toward them. He furrowed his brow at the panicked look on Melissa's face and her urgent whisper once Jimmy put his arm around her.

"They do an encore, right?" Anna asked when she made it to his side.

"Everything okay?" he noticed her hair was a little messy but she seemed fine.

"Yes...," she leaned forward to look at Melissa and sighed. "There was a minor altercation at the bar, but it's handled now."

David whipped around to see several bouncers standing in a circle, staring down at someone on the floor. "What-?"

"Some guy wouldn't leave us alone and she laid him out!" Melissa yelled excitedly.

He turned back to Anna, but she was busy watching the band return to the stage. She held her hand up to show him her swollen knuckles and shrugged. "Like I said. Everything is handled," she said over the cheering crowd. *

Jimmy and Melissa had long since fallen asleep, leaning on each other in the tiny pickup cab. Anna rested her head on David's shoulder as he drove with one hand, the other one holding hers in her lap.

"Thank you, kitten" she whispered. "That was so much fun."

"Glad you liked it, lil' lady," he drawled. "Even though you had to get in a bar fight." He was so tired and hoping she'd stay awake to keep him company for the hour and a half long drive.

She laughed a little and turned to kiss his shoulder. "That's gonna be you up there someday." He stayed quiet at that. She was always complimenting his drumming and he never knew how to respond. "I'm serious," she went on. "You're way better than the guy tonight and he was getting paid!"

He snorted a laugh, "Yeah, probably just enough to buy gas to get home."

"You know what I mean. I think you should start auditioning for bigger bands, David. You have the talent. You're that good." Once again he stayed quiet. "Just promise me you'll think about it."

He lifted her hand and kissed her knuckles, tearing his eyes from the parkway for a moment to look at her. "I promise."

[one-of-us-blog]

From Russia with Love (1963)

Today Drew is forced to watch and recap From Russia with Love (1963) directed by Terence Young, the second James Bond adventure. Bond is tasked with heading to Istanbul so he can meet a beautiful Russian agent who promises to provide a valuable cryptographic device in exchange for help defecting. Bond soon becomes entangled in yet another of SPECTRE’s plot, and he must use all of his wits and gadgets to get back to England in one piece. Can he escape Russia before it’s too late?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, it feels so weird for you to have gotten two recaps done since I posted my last Bond adventure! Your recaps for “Never Yell Fire in a Crowded Nursing Home” and “Henny Penny – Straight, No Chaser” were both delightful, and I totally agree on your issues with the latest clip show. I’ve always been interested in Sophia’s shady (pun intended) backstory, but that didn’t quite get delivered as spectacularly as I would have liked. I agree that “Henny Penny” made for a good finale, though, and I’m glad you enjoyed it! You did a great job, Chief, and I can’t wait for you to dive into season seven with the Girls! For now, though, I have an appointment I need to make in Mother Russia.

Buttocks tight!

Screenplay by Richard Maibaum, film directed by Terence Young

We start off on a dark (and not so stormy) night, and see our hero, James Bond, being pursued by a distinctly Aryan fellow (Robert Shaw). Much to my surprise, the Aryan guy manages to get the drop on Bond, and kills him with the help of a garrote wire. We don’t have to be in suspense for too long, though, because it turns out the guy who just died was actually just a Bond impersonator in a suddenly very unconvincing mask and this was all some sort of training exercise.

With a lot of unanswered questions, we head to the very colorful, very jiggly opening credit sequence.

After wading through that ocean of technicolor ladyflesh, we head to Venice where some gents are in the middle of a chess game that everyone’s taking very seriously. One of the players, Kronsteen (Vladek Sheybal), gets a message from SPECTRE and quickly wraps the game up so he can get down to his shady business. Kronsteen heads to a yacht, where a man with a cat and a woman (Lotte Lenya) without a cat watch some Siamese fighting fish tear each other apart. The woman is identified as Number 3, and Kronsteen, who enters, is referred to as Number 5. Kronsteen lays out his plan to pit British and Russian intelligence agencies against each other so that SPECTRE can get its slimy paws on something known as the Lektor cryptographic device. The man with the cat, Number 1, lets us know that Number 3, who’s defected to SPECTRE from Russian intelligence, is going to put a loyal Russian operative in place to get the plan working. Kronsteen lets Number 1 know that in addition to getting a hold of a Lektor device, this plan also gives SPECTRE a chance to get revenge for the death of Dr. No as British intelligence will almost certainly put none other than James Bond (the real one this time) on the case.

From here, we jump to see the Aryan man sunbathing while a busty blonde woman oils him up. This is interrupted by the arrival of a helicopter, bearing Number 3. She’s here to collect the Aryan man, whose name, it turns out, is Donald Grant. Number 3 is led through the training area on SPECTRE Island (no joke, that’s what this place is called) and brought to Grant as he’s being oiled up by the blonde woman. Number 3 inspects the merchandise by punching Grant in the gut, and she’s happy with the result. She orders him brought to Istanbul in 24 hours, and she takes her leave. In Istanbul, Grant follows a beautiful young woman who goes to meet Number 3. The young woman is Tatiana Romanova (played by Daniela Bianchi but voiced by Barbara Jefford), and through her we learn that Number 3 is actually Colonel Rosa Klebb, of SMERSH (Special Methods of Spy Detection) fame. Klebb makes some flirtatious comments about Romanova, so we know she’s evil.

Klebb lets Romanova know her job is to relay some false information to an enemy agent. Speaking of an enemy agent, we cut to James Bond making out with Sylvia Trench. Hey, what happened to Honey Ryder? Who knows. Bond’s make out sesh is interrupted by a call from Moneypenny. He has to come into the office, but he leaves himself time to bone Trench one more time before heading into work. In the office, he finds M waiting for him and is told that Romanova had contacted Station T in Turkey and told them she wants to defect. She’s fallen in love with Bond by looking at his file photo (and never having met him), and she’s so horny to get to the West that she’s willing to bring a Lektor device with her. MI6 will only get the Lektor device if Bond personally comes to Istanbul to get her and bring her back to London. Bond knows this is a trap, but he takes one look at Romanova’s picture and his boner decides he’s willing to go.

M lets Bond know that Q Branch has a special gadget for him to take on his trip, provided by the Equipment Officer (Desmond Llewelyn). It’s a briefcase, containing some hidden ammunition, a knife, a gun, some cash and some tear gas that will explode if the case isn’t opened the right way. What an accessory! Armed with his fancy new briefcase, Bond gets his plane ticket from Moneypenny and the two share a healthy dose of flirtation before M interrupts. With that, Bond is off to Istanbul! Bond is met at the airport by a gentleman with whom he shares some coded dialogue, and Grant and some Bulgarian agents follow behind them as they head off to their destination. Bond arrives at Station T and meets the head of the Station, Ali Kerim Bey (Pedro Armendáriz), who prefers to use his sons as chauffeurs and waiters. Kerim Bey tells him that Romanova is going to meet them when she chooses to, and until then Bond should just enjoy Istanbul. Bond heads off to his hotel, with Grant (who’s taken the liberty of incapacitating one of the Bulgarian spies) close behind him.

We watch Bond check his hotel for bugs while his theme music blares. Once he finds a bug, he calls down to be moved to a different room. This is the sort of thrilling action we’re in for, folks! Grant leaves his car, with the now-dead Bulgarian officer inside, outside of Bond’s hotel. Grant meets up with Klebb, who congratulates him on his work; the Soviets will blame the British for their dead agent, and hostilities will rise. At Station T, Kerim Bey is bugged by his neglected mistress. It’s a good thing, too, because if she hadn’t dragged him away from his desk he would have died in a sudden explosion. Bond arrives at Station T and Kerim Bey explains that someone placed a mine on the wall outside his office in the hopes of killing him at his desk. Kerim Bey doesn’t understand why the Russians would take an action like this out of nowhere, and Bond suspect his arrival has something to do with it. Kerim Bey takes Bond to and underground aqueduct below Station T, which leads to a periscope through which they can spy on the Russian consulate.

Through the periscope, they learn that an assassin named Krilencu is responsible for the bombing. Romanova enters, giving Bond a chance to ogle her ass for a bit. Kerim Bey isn’t thrilled to see Krilencu in town, so he tells Bond they need to get out of town. They visit a Romani village, where racial stereotypes abound and there’s a half-naked dancer for Bond and the other men to enjoy. Krilencu and his men prepare to attack while Grant looks on. After the dance it’s time for a few women to fight to the death over a man. This bit of male fantasy is interrupted by the arrival of Krilencu and his men, who begin shooting up the place. Krilencu shoots Kerim Bey in the arm and Bond chases after him. Bond is almost killed by one of Krilencu’s men, but Grant, watching from above, saves Bond’s life. Krilencu and his men retreat, and Kerim Bey resolves to track Krilencu down tomorrow. Bond saved the Romani leader during the fight, and naturally Bond is presented with the two women from the catfight to screw all through the night.

With that out of the way, Bond and Kerim Bey decide to actually get some work done and track down Krilencu. Kerim Bey shoots Krilencu in the back while he tries to flee his hideout through a secret hatch in a billboard attached to his building. The hatch is in the mouth of the woman on the billboard, prompting Bond to give a classic line about the woman keeping her mouth shut. Delightful. With this revenge assassination taken care of, Bond returns to his hotel room where he finds a nude Romanova waiting for him. Bond asks about the Lektor device while the two make out and then they bang while SPECTRE observes in secret. Those pervs! The next day, Bond observes while Romanova drops off a blueprint of the Russian consulate, where the Lektor device is being held, and he notices a Bulgarian spy tailing him. Grant kills the Bulgarian before Bond has the chance, ensuring Bond has the chance to pick up Romanova’s blueprints.

Bond compares the blueprints with the ones Kerim Bey has, and the two joke about banging Romanova while Bond plans to use the blueprints to break into the consulate and steal the Lektor device. On a boat ride Bond records Romanova as she describes the technical aspects of the Lektor device (when she’s not busy begging Bond to make love to her all the time after she defects) and he relays all of this to MI6. At the consulate, Bond waits for a distraction (provided by Kerim Bey in the form of an explosion) and he’s able to meet up with Romanova and steal the Lektor device. They meet up with Kerim Bey in the aqueduct and the three, along with the Lektor device, make it back into the city safely. They rush to catch a ride on the Orient Express, but Romanova catches sight of a Russian security officer who boards their train after them.

On the train, Kerim Bey provides them with false identification and then Bond gives Romanova some old timey lingerie to wear in London. Kerim Bey catches sight of the Russian security officer spying around, and he lets Bond know about him. Kerim Bey is planning on arranging for an unscheduled stop so the trio can depart and make their way to London, but first Bond and Kerim Bey tie up the Russian agent. Bond returns to Romanova, unaware that Grant is still skulking around on the train. After presumably screwing some more, Bond and Romanova go to meet Kerim Bey in the dining car as arranged. Unfortunately, they learn that both Kerim Bey and the Russian are dead; it looks like they killed each other, but Bond is unaware that Grant killed both of them. Without Kerim Bey to stop the train, Bond and Romanova miss their rendezvous and are stuck on the Orient Express. Bond roughs up Romanova to find out what her orders are, giving her a good slap like a proper hero should, but she says she doesn’t know anything.

The Orient Express arrives in Belgrade, and Bond lets one of Kerim Bey’s sons know that his father is dead. He asks the young man to have someone sent from Station Y to meet him at the train’s next stop in Zagreb and help him get back to London. Grant overhears all of this, and when the train arrives at Zagreb he kills Nash, the agent sent from Station Y, and assumes his identity. Bond buys Grant’s story about being Nash and asks for his help to get through customs without the Lektor device falling into the wrong hands. Grant and Romanova head off to dinner, while Bond snoops through Grant’s briefcase to make sure Nash is who he says he is. Bond eventually joins the two in the dining car, but Grant drugs Romanova during dinner and she passes out as soon as they get back to their car. With the dame out of the way, Bond pulls a gun on Grant because he knows he slipped Romanova a drug. Grant is able to knock Bond right the hell out and disarm him.

When Bond comes to, Grant has him stay on his knees and settles in for a villain monologue. Bond figures out that Grant is from SPECTRE, and that SPECTRE is trying to pit MI6 and SMERSH against each other. Grant boasts about keeping tabs on Bond and saving his life until Bond got his hands on the Lektor device. Grant makes a point to let Bond know that Romanova isn’t working for SPECTRE, as she thinks Klebb still works for SMERSH and this is all for Mother Russia. Grant lays out the rest of his plan; he’s going to plant a copy of the film of her and Bond screwing in the hotel on Romanova, then on Bond plant a fake letter from Romanova stating that she’ll release the film to the press unless Bond marries her. Because the press would care, right? This is all to make it look like Bond killed Romanova for trying to blackmail him and then killed himself.

Bond puts on a ruse in an attempt to buy Grant’s loyalty, but Grant’s too interested in killing Bond in the most painful way possible. Bond asks for a final cigarette, offering to pay for it with the gold sovereigns from his suitcase. Grant inspects the suitcase, causing the teargas inside to go off in his face. Bond and Grant beat the hell out of each other, with Grant almost choking Bond to death with his garrote wire. Bond is able to use the suitcase’s concealed knife to escape, and then chokes Grant to death with his own wire. The train is stopped by a SPECTRE agent, and Bond drags the drugged Romanova off the train. Bond steals the truck Grant was going to use to escape, and he and Romanova make a break for it with the Lektor device.

The truck is pursued by a SPECTRE helicopter, which is able to disable the truck thanks to some grenades. Bond lures the helicopter away while Romanova hides under the truck. Bond is able to save the day by shooting the helicopters copilot with his sniper rifle, causing him to drop a live grenade which Bond couldn’t possibly have known the man was holding in that instant. The grenade explodes and the helicopter crashes, allowing Bond and Romanova to make it to a dock where an escape boat is waiting. They head for Venice, while Number 1 confronts Kronsteen and Klebb for their failure. Klebb kills Kronsteen by stabbing him with a poison-coated blade hidden in her boot. Number 1 explains that SPECTRE plans to sell the Lektor device back to the Russians, and SPECTRE’s reputation relies on them always keeping their promises. He gives Klebb one more chance to capture Bond and get the Lektor device, and she agrees.

Bond and Romanova are pursued by SPECTRE agents in speedboats, but Bond is able to escape by dumping barrels of fuel into the water and igniting them with a flare gun, causing the enemy boats to explode dramatically. Bond and Romanova make it to Venice, where Klebb, in the guise of a maid, enters his hotel and tries to steal the Lektor device. Romanova recognizes Klebb, and saves Bond when Klebb pulls a gun on him. Klebb tries to stab Bond with her poison boot knife, but Romanova is able to shoot her former boss and kill her. With that out of the way, Bond and Romanova set out on a boat ride and probably bang in the canals or something while the From Russia with Love theme, sang by Matt Monro, plays us out.

The End

~~~~~

Jumpin’ Jehosaphat! What a rollicking ride! I think this instalment had a lot more action in it than Dr. No, and I appreciated that. The final fight between Grant and Bond was really intense, and I thought Klebb’s poison boot knife was a lot of fun. I could have done without any of that Romani stuff, and seeing Bond slap Romanova around wasn’t fun. Romanova had all the substance of a soap bubble, and the idea that she could actually fall in love with Bond to the point that she was willing to betray Klebb kind of made me roll my eyes. I know I need to suspend disbelief a bit when it comes to the women in the movies, but c’mon. Also, it was pretty clear from the way Klebb was flirting with Romanova and feeling her up that we were supposed to know she’s evil because she’s a big old lesbian, and that wasn’t fun. I liked Kerim Bey and his army of sons a lot, but I had a feeling that he, much like Quarrel, wouldn’t make it to the end of the movie. I feel like Connery had a lot more swagger as Bond this time, and I thought the music and some of the stunts were really fun. There were plenty of puns flying around, but I was mainly glad that the briefcase got used after it was given so much attention early on. As far as gadgets go it wasn’t mind-blowing, but by golly it came in handy. There was some gross stuff, like Bond slapping Romanova and his line about the billboard woman keeping her mouth shut, and there were some moments that got a bit dull, but overall I liked the action and stunts enough that I managed to have a good time.

All in all, I give From Russia with Love QQQQ on the Five Q Scale.

Tune in soon for Eli’s recaps of the next two episodes of The Golden Girls, “Hey, Look Me Over” and one of my favorites, “The Case of the Libertine Belle”, and then after that I’ll be back to post my recap of Bond’s next adventure in Goldfinger.

Until then, as always, thank you for reading, thank you for that briefcase and thank you for being One of Us!

[sachablack]

This week, sees me turn the corner into a new decade.  On Friday, I’m going to be 30.

I’ve gone on a bit of a rollercoaster of emotions over this birthday. I think most people do the same when they reach a new decade. So I figured, rather than do a philosophical reflection that’s all deep and meaningful, I’d just shamelessly confess all the dumb shit I’ve done over the last 29 years 11 months and 28 days.

MISTAKE ONE

When playing football indoors, don’t kick the door frame instead of the football cause you’re guna break a toe.

MISTAKE TWO

After an intensive night of drinking Sambuca shots, don’t assume that you’re safe to drive even at midday. You’re not safe. Especially not over road humps. Those humps make you projectile onto your windscreen. Five humps, five projectiles.

MISTAKE THREE

Don’t mistake mouldy cheddar cheese for stilton. Definitely not the same thing.

MISTAKE FOUR

When riding a rev and go scramble motorbike for the first time, it’s vital to know the difference between ‘accelerator’ and using the break. Especially if you’re about to ride past a big ass mound of mud. Using the accelerator will cause you to ride over the mound and do some aerial acrobatics you really weren’t expecting.

MISTAKE FIVE

Don’t step backwards in a tree house unless you’ve checked the trap door is shut. Stepping back without checking leads you to fall out, scrapping several layers of skin off your ribs, and a rather peculiar monkey impression half hanging to the trap door and half hanging on to a branch.

MISTAKE SIX

When taking friends in your first car (a mini) remember it’s not a Range Rover, but a tiny car. Seven people do not fit into a mini. Seven people should also not be driven over speed bumps while in a mini. The resultant sparks from the rear of the car is your exhaust hanging off.

MISTAKE SEVEN

Learn the roads routes around your home. Because after 10 years of living in one area getting lost on a journey you’ve taken 3498589344528943789 times is frankly embarrassing.

MISTAKE EIGHT

If you’re allergic to milk, make sure you triple check the Starbucks barista is putting coconut milk in your coffee. Otherwise, ensure private toilets are in close proximity.

MISTAKE NINE

Yes, yes those really are my legs!

When dressing up for Halloween as a zombie, try not t0 forget you’re actually human.

N.B. Jumping in driver side window of a moving car is dangerous.

MISTAKE TEN

When approaching the deadline for your university dissertation, ensure you haven’t partied all year and have actually done some work. Because turning up on Monday morning for your final tutor session, after having pulled an all-nighter and sheepishly handing over your dissertation will get you the following response: “I suggest you go get a coffee because you’re not handing this shit in.”

It will also result in a university sweepstake being set up with bets placed on how long you can stay awake and not leave the library for. To this day, I still hold the record for 52 hours straight. Got a First though! Muhahaha.

MISTAKE ELEVEN

Image By Brocken Inaglory – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=2219327

Check the consistency of the beach on your honeymoon before visiting. Should you inherit your mother’s shellfish allergy, and you’re on a nice beach chock full of crustaceans, you’re going to end up looking like a puffa fish on steroids. No holiday snaps for you, Mrs. Black.

MISTAKE TWELVE

When inviting your new colleagues out on a ‘let’s get to know you night.’ They don’t need to get to know you’re flesh. So don’t flash your naked ass cheeks at them. Monday is awkward.

MISTAKE THIRTEEN

Walk around with an extremely sore toe all day. When your wife suggests you pull the toe because it might be dislocated, don’t then pull the toe. ‘Re-locating’ you’re own toe is fucking painful.

MISTAKE FIFTEEN

If you have olive skin and dark brown hair. Bleaching it really isn’t sensible, cool or stylish. You’ll look like Spongebob Square Pants.

MISTAKE SIXTEEN 

Going out in see-through lacey tank tops – not cool. Ever. (and no, I am not sharing the photographic evidence of this one) Pervs.

MISTAKE SEVENTEEN – this one is for Geoff’s benefit.

God no!

WTFFFFFF ARE THOSE BROWS?

Eyebrows – it’s better for everyone if you just go to a professional to get them shaped.

MISTAKE EIGHTEEN

Don’t go on holiday to Italy with one of your besties, and have too many oranges juices:

You sleep on kitchen tiles…. and throw up in the middle of an Italian food shop. Apparently Italian’s don’t like lettuce with their vomit.

MISTAKE NINETEEN

Overachieve on your mid-life crisis, and have your existential at 25. The result is YEARS of pain, sacrifice and nights burrowed away behind a screen. Okay, I lied. Writing is awesome. This one wasn’t a mistake.

MISTAKE TWENTY

Don’t come out of the closet at 16, only to dive back in at eighteen and have to come out all over again at twenty-one. It’s just inefficient.

MISTAKE TWENTY-TWO

While in labour, remember that the gas and air is not for sale. So don’t repeatedly ask to buy it, or threaten to steal it while the midwife isn’t looking.

MISTAKE TWENTY-THREE  

Don’t smash your BRAND new glasses on your car door. It’s expensive.

MISTAKE TWENTY-FOUR

Smash a glass, drop the base on your toe and then wonder around the kitchen waving your toe (which is now pissing blood) everywhere. Applying pressure is much more useful.

MISTAKE TWENTY-FIVE

When getting off a plane after extreme turbulence due to severe wind. Take the wind direction into account when strategically aiming your vomit. Otherwise, you puke up the back of people’s trousers.

MISTAKE TWENTY-SIX AND TWENTY-SEVEN

While sober, don’t assume people are drunk, grip railings and dance like a lunatic – people think you’re on drugs instead of water.

Don’t willingly enter a mosh pit – ribs usually get broken.

TWENTY-EIGHT

When taking the best man to a wedding abroad. Ensure you’ve checked the tickets for the airport information. Turning up to the wrong airport and you’re screwed.

TWENTY-NINE

When sleeping outside under the stars. Remember that if you sleep on a hill, you’re liable to roll…into the river at the bottom of the hill.

MISTAKE THIRTY

When pulling dumb faces, ensure that no sly fuckers have cameras.

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30 Mistakes to Avoid Before You’re 30 #MondayBlogs This week, sees me turn the corner into a new decade.  On Friday, I'm going to be 30.

[tessatechaitea]

Midnighter and Apollo #2

White covers like this make me realize I really need to clean the glass on my scanner. Gross.

For a nerdy Lobot motherfucker, Bendix isn't as smart as I would have thought he was programmed to be.

The gauntlet that Midnighter must run to escape from the Bendix's Samoan Bunker (that sounds like a dessert I might one day invent) consists of a swarm of eagles with lasers on their heads, a screaming holograph of Thomas Jefferson that shoots eyeball lasers, GI Robot, a hail of throwing stars and arrows, vanilla pudding dropped from the ceiling like boiling oil, and a pit full of hungry babies. Midnighter manages to get through it all in time to stop Mawzir from shooting Apollo in the head. But I still think he's too late because the cover of the third issue shows Midnighter at the gates of Hell. The Mawzir flees from Midnighter for some reason. Maybe because Midnighter reminds him too much of Tommy Monaghan. Or maybe The Mawzir is just smarter than me and knows when it's gone too far. Not that I've ever gone too far! Pshaw! Oh! I've got an aside. Don't worry, it isn't about how truly stupid Donald Trump is. It's about the other Republicans in our government! Hey, Republican voters? I'm a big time liberal pinktard (is that what you call us?) and I don't totally disagree with some of Republican policies. I mean, I disagree with all of them currently (and probably have sense they decided governing should be closely related to elementary school recess interactions without an adult supervising (as I perceive it, that was sometime in the 90s after Clinton was elected and they were all butthurt that they weren't in control of filling their pockets with corporate and lobbyist money)). What I'm suggesting, Republican voters, is fucking do something about the people you want representing you. They're all selfish assholes who only care about maintaining their position of power and easy income. They don't fucking care about anybody and Trump is the best example of these monsters you've decided are somehow representative of the white working class (they're not. I'm fucking white working class and I would never agree with anything any of these current load of smegma-smelling idiots ever). Oh, I guess this was a little bit about Trump. Shit. I just realized that off-topic paragraph was probably a waste of time. This is a comic book about two gay dudes! Why would a Republican be reading it?!

Stop fucking the bullet wound and get him to a hospital, you sicko perv!

Midnighter decides to put Apollo in a room pumping in solar energy to try to bring him back to life. I really hope that we don't have to put up with an Apollo Boy and a Cyborg Apollo and Apollo Steel followed by Red and Blue Electric Powered Apollo! I don't know if I could go through that again and I didn't even really pay attention to it the first time. When the infusion of solar radiation doesn't seem to be working, Midnighter visits some guy named Extraño to find out where Apollo's soul went. It's so fucking obvious he went to Hell. You know why I think that. You know. I mentioned earlier how I've already seen the cover to Issue #3. Midnighter discovers Apollo is in Hell being tortured by Neron. Uh oh. Apollo is in for a terrible time. Not because he's in Hell! But because shit rolls downhill and Neron has just recently been shat all over by Constantine. He's definitely looking to make somebody else's life crazy miserable. And by life, I guess I mean death? Midnighter decides he's going to go save Apollo. Do you think he already knows how this ends? I do and he'd better not fucking look back on the way out! The Ranking! +1 Ranking! Reading well-written Midnighter stories makes me happy. It's like reading Batman stories but where Batman doesn't have a huge stick up his ass. Instead he has a huge dick up his ass! Har har! That joke was entirely too immature even for this blog because I really meant the thing about Midnighter being like Batman minus the stick up his ass. Comparing it to another thing that happened to me today — finding a used sanitary napkin on top of my work clothes — I'd say this is the best comic book I've ever read in my entire life! Also enjoyable today: using the term "sanitary napkin"! Now I'm picturing a vagina dabbing daintily at its ketchup-stained lips after removing the hot dog from its orifice. At a picnic, of course!