#for the record its not a like. ultimatum or anything. and this choice isnt for one relationship vs another. bc that WOULD be hella unhealthy
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#okay heres all the things. i think i want to do this but is there a thing i havent considered?#do you agree with me? do you disagree but i realise id actually already made up my mind and hadnt realized it?#brief follow up to my last emo tag post#bc apparently im not done crying and saying thingsand despite having slotted journal time for myself today#im so idk. dramatic? overwhelmed? that i cant wait to fet out of bed and do my morning routines and then joirnal#nope. i have to come on here and tell all of you my inner thoughts and emotions right now#anyway. ik this isnt how its supposed to work and the different kind of loves dont really. idk. compete?#but how does a grouping of multiple loves attached to one person compare to my love for my family and these traditions that ive been#a part of every year since i was born?#are they equal? does one outweigh the other?#is this a case i need to be firm in my boundaries and it's a healthy thing? or is this an exception?#which choice makes me the least upset? going to family or going to them?#for the record its not a like. ultimatum or anything. and this choice isnt for one relationship vs another. bc that WOULD be hella unhealthy#it's just this particular time bc time fucking sucks#also idk if i hope they see this or not.#on one hand im doing that shouting into the void thing and just take comfort in the presence of the void#on the other i feel like ive put my feelings to words here better than before bc it IS shouting to the void#and i want them to see and maybe understand and then give their two cents#but then also ik they tend to be self-sacrificing#so how can i know that two cents is genuine and not just sparing my feelings?#should i bring this up to my mom? i hate pulling her into a mess im trying to undo in myself#bc then i either feel judged or like shes trying to unravel it for me. which ik is unintentional on her part but#i much prefer bringing her in and asking her thoughts after its mostly been unraveled#like once i know all the pros and cons and how i feel about everything and why and which direction im leaning#THEN bringing her in and be like#bc then i feel more steady and confident in myself. idk.#i need to actually journal and maybe meditate on this but again as i said my feelings are just impatient this morning apparently
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