#for the last one: in the more hopeless times i'll also go into the comments of my favorite fics to find a user i think would have similar

[loverscrossmp3]

hi liv!!! 1 3 9 for fic writer questions!! xxxx

leah!! HII how are u omg!!!!!

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

hmmm... i'd say and still the fire burns (sorry i've been on a kick lately! cannot be helped!!) i think as it is my most recent so it obviously reflects my writing style best and is much more developed both character and plot-wise than my others. but cross my heart, cross the line (god i need to come up with shorter titles) also for a more light-hearted approach!

3. What are some tropes or details that you think are very characteristic of your fics?

the idea and fear of growing up? lots of light motifs! lily being cooler than james by a mile?

9. How do you find new fic to read?

it's called the bookmark method where i go into my favorite authors' bookmarks to find a fic, then read that fic, then read that author's other fics, then go into their bookmarks to find a fic, then-

questions for fic writers

[resowrites]

Year Of The Rabbit - oneshot.

Summary: There’s teasing, reminiscing and a big surprise in the lead up to Henry and his girlfriend’s anniversary (following on from this oneshot but can be read as a standalone story).

Pairings: AU!Henry Cavill x Girlfriend!OC

Warnings: NSFW 18+ only, fluff, light smut/sexy talk (f masturbation/slight m dom vibe if you squint), banter/British humour, dialogue heavy, time hopping/vignette style, language, pet names, nondescript OC body type/appearance, hastily written/lightly proofread.

WC: 2662

A/N: This was meant to go up a while ago but time got away from me again, also please forgive the mistakes - my head’s still a touch sore from last night! Happy New Year folks, hope it’s a good one for you all ~ R x

My work must not be copied, reposted, or translated elsewhere. Likes, follows, reblogs and comments are thoroughly welcome and appreciated! Gifs/pics not my own. I hope you all enjoy and thanks for visiting!

Year Of The Rabbit - oneshot.

December 30th

"Er... I'm not sure this is the right turn."

"Henry, for the third time, I know where I'm going." He reached across to the glovebox and popped it open. She took a deep breath and kept her eyes fixed ahead, even when the corners of an unfurled map began to crowd her vision. They'd decided to spend January at the cottage, which meant they had to go home to pick up some more stuff.

"Yep, just as I thought, we're heading the wrong way. Oh no, wait. The map's upside down." She bit her lower lip, refusing to take the bait. "You still should've taken that last exit though, woulda shaved at least thirty minutes off the drive... are you alright? You seem a bit quiet." 

"I'm good... just enjoying the scenery." Henry sniffed and reached over to the glove box once again.

"Yes! I knew I'd remembered to pack it," he unwrapped a large block of tin foil and took a bite, "want some?" 

"No thanks."

"You sure? It's got extra nuts," Henry started waving the Christmas cake near her face, "here, I'll break off a small piece for me wee wife." A big chunk of cake then fell directly onto her lap. She gritted her teeth. "Now, if you take the next right instead of a left, we'll be back to the last exit in no time." She decided to pull over. "Oh darling, you didn't need to stop to read the map, I'm happy to give directions." She cleared her throat and looked directly into his devilish eyes.

"Darling, try all you like, you are not irritating me today."

"Oh? What makes you think I'm trying to irritate you?" Henry took another bite of cake, sending more crumbs flying everywhere. 

"Because you can't help yourself. But that's just fine, cos I'm not rising to it anymore. In fact, it's my New Year's resolution: to remain zen-like in your presence at all times." She then smiled and turned the key in the ignition. He made no reply, choosing instead to take another look at the map. "... Will you please get that bloody thing out of my face?!"

"What?! I'm just trying to help me wee wife get back on the right road--"

"And that's another thing, stop calling me your 'wee wife,' or I won't be marrying you at all!"

"But you are wee as well as my wife-to-be! What else am I meant to call you? Woman? And you can't backsie a marriage proposal, it's not like a new years resolution!"

"… Kill me."

"Oh come on, it's not that hopeless, woman. We'll find home again, I promise."

"Henry, I mean it, you put that map away right now and shut up or I'll take off my seatbelt and crash straight into the next fucking tree." Henry blinked.

"That's alright, I can always catch a lift."

"Christ, why me Lord?"

"I was thinking the same. We could have been back by now, having a shag in front of a roaring fire."

"Pfft, you'll be lucky."

"I know. When are you gunna put out? It's been days..."

"Perhaps when I'm not made to drive miles just to pick up a fucking Sonic game! And it's not even been 48 hours!"

"Yeah, 48 woman hours, in man hours that's closer to two weeks. And excuse me, it's Sonic Frontiers. How many times do I have to apologise for forgetting it?! You were the one who insisted on driving back, I was happy to go by myself!"

"Oh please, with the way you speed down these country roads?"

"Well I thought you'd take any opportunity to get rid of me?"

"I would but not at the expense of the bloody car!"

"Ollie?"

"What?!"

"… Just take a breath," she ground her teeth and ignored his smirk, "WAIT, LOOK OUT!" She quickly swerved, sending Henry into fits of giggles.

"You stupid, stupid twat! What did you do that for?! I could have crashed the fucking car!"

"Don't be silly, even you're not that bad a driver… "

"Oh my God I could kill you..."

"Oh, grow up."

"I need to grow up?!"

"Yes, or you shan't be receiving your anniversary present."

"What d'ya mean? What anniversary?"

"What d'ya mean 'what d'ya mean,' our anniversary! We met New Year's Eve, remember?"

"Oh... I thought we were just going to Mark and Claire's party?"

"Nope, I've got something else planned."

"Oh Henry, no more. You've spoiled me enough, just a quiet evening will do." 

"Trust me, you're gunna love it. And relax, it'll just be the two of us."

"Well now I'm sure to enjoy it..." 

"Don't worry, there'll still be plenty of drink."

"That's a relief, I always find it a rather solemn occasion..." He ignored her. 

"Aww, how could you forget the night your life changed forever? I can remember it like it was yesterday-- what you looking for?"

"The sick bags." Henry smiled.

"You know, you were the only woman I approached who didn't laugh at my jokes?"

"I laughed at you."

"Mmm... what was it I said again?"

"Er... something along the lines of 'nice dress, lucky you're not any taller." He cackled.

"Well it was bloody short! You still got it?"

"Pretty sure I burned it..."

"And what was it you said to me?"

"Um... 'that's a nice shirt, now hand me that Champagne and fuck off." Henry sighed.

"Yep, I knew right then you were my woman," she rolled her eyes, "you know I've still got that shirt?"

"Why? It was too small even back then..." He carried on ignoring her.

"You know, if we'd married back then we'd have been celebrating our seven-year wedding anniversary tomorrow? What do you get for seven years?"

"... An itch? And what kind of woman would I be if I married you straight away?!"

"A most fortunate one, my love. Do you what some women would give to marry me?"

"That's only cos they don't actually know you!" Henry smirked.

"... When did you realise you loved me?"

"Who said anything about love?!" He tutted.

"... I knew you only wanted me for my body." Henry then shoved the last bit of cake straight into his mouth.

"Oh my God look at the mess you've made! And I can’t believe you bought along a whole Christmas cake-- wait yes I can, it's exactly what you'd bloody do!"

"Then why are you marrying me?!" She sighed.

"I don't know... I must have hit my head and can't remember." 

"Well that explains why you didn't even remember our anniversary!"

"Oh my God, are you gunna be like this after we're married? Wait, we won't have to celebrate both anniversaries will we?" He nodded. "But can't we just roll them into one? I'll celebrate today in fact, call it my "prick-iversary.'"

"Oh stop it. You love this prick. And the man attached to it."

"Sure."

"Yes you do! I bet You’ll be a bigger wreck than me on the day…"

"What d'ya mean? Oh you better not start crying, or I’ll turn around and run!" Henry laughed.

"Well how could I not cry? We don't have enough sex now! What's it gunna be like once we're married?!"

***

She was laying beneath the bed cover with both arms under her pillow. She rocked gently back and forth, brushing her nipples against it and her bottom half against the other pillow between her legs. She didn’t even hear Henry enter the bedroom. "Right I've set up the other controller so— whoa, now! What's going on here?!"

"What does it... look like?"

"I dunno, lemme see…" He leaned over and tried to pull the cover down, causing her to grip the edge and roll onto her side.

"No, I don't think so…" She then closed her eyes, resumed grinding, and began massaging one of her breasts.

"So what am I meant to do?! Just stand here and watch?!"

"No but you can go... listen in the next room... if you like." Henry crossed his arms, his eyes still fixated on her chest.

"... Why are you doing this to me?!" 

"What?! I'm just celebrating our… anniversary."

"By having sex with yourself?!"

"When... do I not?" He tutted.

"How long've you been at it?"

"I've been edging for... nearly an hour."

"Without even using your fingers?! Oh darling, you must be in agony. Here, let me--"

"Henry! Will you please fuck off?!"

"Why?! I only want a little feel! Christ, I bet you're soaked…" Again Henry tried to pull back the cover.

"No don't... I'll cum too fast…" Her breath was short and she struggled to get any more words out. Eventually, she gasped and had to stop. Even beneath the covers, he could see her legs trembling. Henry snapped back up and unzipped his fly.

"Alright, on your back for me, there's a good girl."

"Nope."

"Ollie, that's enough. Get on your back. Now."

***

"Now, why is it you'll only cuddle me after I've fucked your brains out?" 

"… I think you just answered your own question there." She tried to wriggle free of Henry's arms.

"Oh no you don't. Come on, put your head back where it was, you were almost asleep."

"Nope, I'm going for a shower."

"Not yet you're not," he yanked her back and clamped her hip with his thigh so she couldn't move. Right on cue, she yawned as her face nestled into his chest. "I knew you loved listening to my heartbeat…"

"I'm not doing that!"

"Mm-hm, sure." Henry kissed the top of her head. "You know, this reminds me of when we were in lockdown."

"... How I didn't put your head through a window those first couple of weeks, I'll never know." He chuckled.

"Oh behave yourself, you love having me around. Now get some sleep, I'll wake you when it's dinner…” Suddenly her eyes popped open and she pushed at Henry's chest, forcing him to release her. "What did I do wrong now?!" But she quickly shushed him.

"Is that a knock at the door?"

"What? At this time? Who would it be--" she shushed Henry again.

"Can't you hear it? There's definitely someone there…" She rushed to put on a dressing gown and some slippers.

"Where are you going? Stay here, I'll go see who it is." He quickly threw on a tracksuit and jogged downstairs. Five minutes or so later, she could hear Henry clattering about the kitchen.

"Is everything okay, darling?"

"Yes! Dinner just came early, that's all. Go have your shower then come down…" He hoped that would buy him enough time. 

***

She trudged down the stairs about twenty minutes later, hair still wet and yawning like it was already gone midnight. "Darling? What are you doing?" Henry immediately jumped up and her eyes fell to the blanketed lump on the floor behind him. "What's that?" He stepped aside with a huge grin.

"Why don't you see for yourself?" Warily she took a few steps forward, glancing toward the counter before she crouched to the floor. 

"Wait, where's the food--" she'd never been in more shock than when she lifted off the blanket. 

"… Well? What do you think?" A lump had already formed in her throat. There, fast asleep, was a fluffy and very chunky Akita puppy. She quickly covered her face with her hands. "Ollie?" Henry dashed forwards and flung his arms around her. "Shhh it's alright... no! Don't cry, darling!" He soon found himself wiping away a tear or two of his own. Through no fault of her own, Ollie wasn't very demonstrative. But that moment was easily the happiest Henry had ever seen her.

“You got me… a… puppy? Really?" She could hardly talk for crying. He nodded as he wiped her face.

"Do you like her?"

"It's a girl?!" She sobbed harder, causing Henry to chuckle and kiss the top of her head.

"Of course! I didn't want you to feel outnumbered anymore. Here, do you wanna hold her?"

"No! Let her sleep…" She sunk to the floor anyway and began carefully stroking her fur. He took a seat beside her and continued drying her face. "I can't believe it, she's perfect... thank you so much. Even though you've got me crying like an idiot." Henry snorted.

“Well, I had to find the perfect girl for my other perfect girl! And I'm sorry, she was meant to be dropped off tomorrow but her breeders wanted to avoid the New Year's Eve traffic," he could see her face fall "what's wrong darling? Look, I know I've sprung this on you, and Kal and I are hard work enough, so if you're not ready it's fine I can--"

"No, it's not that! It's just… well what about Kal?" Their beloved boy was still fast asleep on the rug in the living room. "He's an older gentleman now, he won't appreciate being terrorised by a puppy--"

"Relax! they've already been introduced. Multiple times, in fact. It's what I was doing these last couple of months whenever I got a spare Sunday. She's super chill so he's fine with her. We were lucky, she was also the only girl in the litter--"

"Wait a minute, you kept her from me for months?!" 

"Well we had to be sure she had the right temperament! Akita's usually prefer being the only dog so--" she clamped a hand over Henry's mouth.

"It was a joke! She's absolutely beautiful, how old is she? Is she going to stay this colour?" The excitement in her voice made his heart sing.

"Should do, and she's just over four months. A friend of mine's already offered to train her to be a therapy dog when she's a bit older, he says she's perfect for it. And that way she can give you all the cuddles I can't when I'm away. Don't worry though, I'll continue toilet and crate training her in the meantime--" 

"No-- I want you to show me, I've never had a puppy before!"

"Are you sure? It'll be quicker just to teach her," she swatted Henry's arm "so, what are you gunna call her?" She thought for a moment.

"Copper!"

"Copper?!"

"Yeah, I mean... she looks that colour and I think it's also the seventh wedding anniversary gift?"

"Then Copper it is! Happy early anniversary, darling..." He planted a kiss on her lips and she felt the annoying, all too familiar sense of dread. "Darling? What is it?"

"It's nothing, I just... why are you doing all of this for me? First the cottage, and now this... it's not like I've done anything to deserve it--"

"Ollie, stop right there. I..." Henry paused for a moment, struggling to find the right words. "I know your life's not been the easiest, and being with me hasn't made it much easier--"

"Henry--"

"No, let me finish. I hope with time and the help of your sessions, you'll find it easier to trust people. But either way, I'll never stop trying to prove myself to you. Ever. You deserve the world, darling." She wiped away more tears. 

"Stop it. I left the sick bags in the car..." He grinned. "I feel terrible though, I didn't get you anything for our anniversary!" 

"Darling, you've had a lot on your mind. Though there is one thing you could do..." 

"Jesus, we were only at it an hour ago... or is that more like three days ago?" Henry smirked.

"I didn't mean that! Although, as soon as you've recovered just let me know..." She rolled her eyes. "I was actually going to ask you to play Sonic Frontiers with me." Her loving smile disappeared so quickly from her face that he burst out laughing.

"Fine. Copper's worth it. But no bloody cheating! Oh and--" she whispered something in Henry's ear. 

"... Really?! That's what made you fall in love with me?!" They both roared with laughter and shared another kiss.

To be updated on when I post please follow @resowrites and turn on post notifications.

@marytudorbrandon @luclittlepond @fanfictionaddiction99 @caffeinatedfestivalsheep @summersong69

[soullikethesea]

Tw: mention of suicidal ideation

Feeling a bit melancholic. There is so much good around me and yet I find it so hard to be happy. **spoiled whining below**

It's a weird kind of flashback-like thing that's happening. Things felt disconnected with the friend who came to stay over and it was nice, but sometimes it just also felt really sad or annoying. Which makes something in me freak out, and then I feel like I should just end my life because I can't do normal people things and the loneliness will probably always be there.

It's very much black and white thinking.

I think my lack of happiness is also annoying to other people. I totally get that. It's just a bit unfair, I think, if I'd have to mask it further away than I already do automatically.

And this makes me feel spoiled as well... and it's also tied up with that feeling around people thinking I'm younger than I am. Like I'm inadequate and small and lost. Like I'm freezing in place and it makes people think that I can't do things or am not worth respecting.

I've been reading/watching more stories lately and I feel really drawn to the ones about witches and vampires - where they have to hide who they are and that is the central theme. I feel like I have to hide who I am, because I am simultaneously too much and not good enough.

Even though I turn 30 next year, it will probably take 10 more years before I'll actually look 30. And some people would see this as a blessing and laugh about it. It's just, it pairs with not receiving respect. It sucks that most advice to look older is "be very comfortable in your own skin and with taking up space". Great. The other advice is to dress up more, which clashes with Fox and Mae's wishes to be quite androgynous. Lucas is fine with it, which is interesting to me. He said: "I think wearing a skirt could be elegant and masculine, even though others may not perceive it that way."

At some point I showed my friend my full-make up face and asked if it helped, but he couldn't see a difference between that and my normal face. -_-" (Trust me, there is a difference). Putting on very bold make-up is not exactly helpful, I think. But apparently I need to go bolder - or it's really just hopeless. My face just looks so young & I'm short, athletic and androgynous, so my body looks that way too. I also need a lot of sleep every night and enjoy eating healthy foods. Never really smoked or drank, avoid the sun because it's sensory hell. And my mother and grandmother also always looked young, so it's definitely also genes.

One of those situations where I should just say fuck it, and not care so much. Enjoy the good things that are there. "Ring the bells that still can ring, there is a crack in every thing..."

I also contacted my old T and we'll meet up sometime in September. I'm not sure why I asked for that. Maybe it was just to test whether her promise that I could always come over for tea was an actual promise.

Current T made me think of her when she commented last time that when I write her emails, they are "fascinating" to read. (Gross). She said that when you are further removed from the pain and suffering - it gets fascinating. My old T also used to say things like that. It's weird to me. Current T said that it's also about *how* I write, that the style is very pleasant to read. Which makes it perhaps even weirder?

But that is somehow connected to this flashback with the suicidal ideation - one of the wishes has always been to write or draw a book (before being gone from this Earth). So strange how it's all connected in a weird web.

[somethingsomethingwords]

Hello everyone. New year, new story. This one is kind of a niche one. It's a PJO!AU, and also keep in mind the myth of Achilles and Patroclus. I wanted to write about destiny and tragedy, and maybe succeeding in escaping them. As always, comments are more than welcome. Enjoy💜

When Charles enters the room, he knows that this is where his battle starts, still miles away from the actual battlefield.

He gently pushes the door to the infirmary open, and is not surprised to see the other sat on the bed, looking as though he had tried to stand up but failed, with his head in his hands and a bandage already stained with blood on his left thigh.

The blonde looks up, and in his eyes he can see the red hue, but not because of his father's powers. They are bloodshot and puffy.

He'd like to kneel in front of him, rebandage his wounds and comfort him, but he can't. He has to be strong. For the camp, for their friends, for him.

So he just walks until he is in front of Sebastian, gathering enough courage to pose the fatal question.

Everything seems to vibrate with the sound of the incoming tragedy, history repeating itself, never ending sorrow.

"Seb, where is the armour?" That's it, quick, simple, clean.

Many emotions cross his face, and then they all disappear, leaving behind a blank mask.

"No" he says, final.

"Seb, you know I have to. I'm the only one that's left to do it" he can feel the fear starting to make itself known, but he can't let it win, not today.

"Charles, you are not doing it. We'll find somebody else. Hades, I'll do it myself"

Even if his tone is low, his words are firm.

"Seb, there is literally nobody else. It's either me or we lose" And just as he says it, the desperation is starting to feel like something solid.

"I said no. Give me some ambrosia and nectar and I'll deal with it" As he says the words, he pushes on the bed to stand up. It's not even a half step later that his legs give out, and his knees dropping on the wooden floor.

Charles could see it coming, but he did nothing to stop his fall or help him up.

"Sebastian, look at you. You can't even stand, and other ambrosia will kill you, we both know it. Just give it to me, and then..."

"And then what, Charles? I watch you leave camp to never come back? Because you and I both know how this story ends"

"Thanks for the vote of trust" But even as he says it, he knows it's not about trust. It's about prophecies, about destiny, about eternal returns.

But Charles has to raise his temper, so that this will be an angry goodbye, not a sad one.

And, just like he always does, the son of Ares sees through his strategy, and the fury quickly fades.

But without anger, all that's left is shaky voices and wet eyes.

"Charlie, please, listen to me. Stay here, at camp. Defend the children. Let me go" he says as if it's the most logical thing in the world. Or, even if it were, as if Charles is going to listen to logic. He never has. He is not about to.

"Seb, we could fucking see your femur through the beast's slashes like two hours ago. Nectar is not magic. I believe in you more than I've ever believed in them, but even you have your limits. We are still human, Seb" he keeps talking while helping the other on his feet, leaving one of his hands in his and intertwining their fingers.

"So help me put on your armour, then let's go doing what we can to save as many lives as we can" This time he doesn't stop the shaking, doesn't stop the tears, but keeps looking straight into Sebastian's eyes, trying to express all that he can't say through them, trying to impress the colours there into his mind for the last time.

Even as Seb shakes his head, Charles knows he has won. Not because of the power of his words that he will use to rile up every remaining fighter towards the battlefield, but because he can see the despair, hopeless and cruel and inescapable.

He presses his free hand to his cheek, and slowly kisses him as if they have all the time in the world. One last kiss, one last shared breath.

When he pulls back, Seb uses their connected hand to lead him to his cabin, limping slightly.

It's dark and empty, all his siblings guarding the still too young kids.

Gods, they all are still too young for this. But they don't have a choice, it's either this or failure, and failure is not acceptable, for neither of them.

Sebastian's bed is the one nearest to the front. His evident need to always protect makes Charles smile, and it also makes him fall even more in love with Seb.

From beneath it, the blonde takes what looks like the sturdiest armour of all times: the Celestial Bronze culrass shone into the low lights, the helmet with its red crest, the wooden aspis.

Charles accepted all of it, except for the xiphon. He will not leave behind his Bronzen spear, nor his Stygian Iron dagger.

Dressed in Sebastian's armour, with the long cheek guards hiding his face, he knows he can get the other campers to fight. He has to.

Sebastian stares at him, maybe thinking this is the last time they will see each other. But Charles knows it is not. Even if he were to die today, he knows his soul will find Sebastian's. Even in another life, they are predestined.

When he begins to turn, Sebastian gently raises his still tied hand to his lips and he kisses his wrist.

"We will meet again. I swear it on the Styx" he professes in ancient greek.

With a final smile, Charles turns towards the door, towards where all the other campers are bundled.

He isn't Charles Leclerc anymore, Monegasque son of Aphrodite with the most powerful charmspeak of the last 3 centuries.

He now is Sebastian Vettel, German son of Ares, ready to lead his cabin towards the battle, ready to win it.

[rou-luxe]

THEORIES

babe wake up tragic yaoi dropped *THIS ACCOUNT DOES NOT USUALLY POST ALNST FANTHEORIES. IF THAT IS WHAT YOU WANT THIS IS NOT THE PLACE. theories / commentary / spoilers under the cut

I don't know 100% ALNST lore... most of this is speculation I think some people have commented on this already but apparently the one in the couple who wears white dies (Sua, Ivan) Following this pattern, Hyuna x Luka's relationship is complicated but if we go by that Luka is dying next round... But the next round is Till vs Luka, which would be different from the pattern (Sua vs Mizi, Ivan vs Till)... so maybe to complete the pattern Hyuna puts herself in instead of Till. mom pick me up I'm scared On top of that, Ivan wore black before, but switched to white. Does this have to do with something... (Was Till supposed to die instead...) Luka and Hyuna evidently have VERY different singing styles though so that would be interesting def Also the characters look older (not only the haircut man... they're taller) so I wonder... how much time has passed in ALNST??? and is it proportional to irl time (probably not) Not sure about the other videos I need to check but this time there are human spectators amongst the aliens in the crowd for the first time??? is alnst so powerful that they want to watch the showdown too??? Till sounds like he's about to break poor bb Till's lyrics in the beginning start off hopeless, asking someone to hurt him. To dissolve and drown in someone, to become one with them. Definitely Mizi. When Till's master shoves his face towards the newspaper, he's probably telling him to snap out of it, sing properly and let go of Mizi??? Then Till gets his ahh beat and he reaches for Mizi, his one hope in the darkness "Icy lips" - he already thinks Mizi is dead??? Ivan's eyes look empty. interruption from mizisua sponsor /j Even though the MIZISUA video is more of a backstory video, it also suits Round 1. I think it might suit Ivantill as well hold on When Mizi and Sua found each other (refer to MIZISUA video), Sua has lost hope already, but Mizi's love gives her some hope in the dark. Then they are torn apart, but still want to be together. The one who lives (Mizi) is in grief. Ivan's empty eyes look like he has lost hope, just like Sua. Till gave him a reason to keep going (see: Black Sorrow, their relationship shown in Cure <- this video)

Back to the video Till laying there by himself, Ivan moves the (muzzle?) restriction, maybe to help him breathe Ivan's verse reflects Till's but it's different in multiple ways "Cold words" - Referring to Till? (well... till has always been naturally sassy...) Similar to Till's statement in the first part, Ivan is saying that Till can break him apart and build him back again (mend) I guess they fought and became friends 💀 "I'll drown in you" as well. Till would sacrifice himself for Mizi, Ivan would sacrifice himself for Till (CRIES) Ivan feels "seen" by Till, Till wants to dissolve in Mizi's gaze Why does he reach for the back of Till's neck? Till unawares (sleeping)? Are the two somewhat related? Ivan reaches for Till (love) but Till unaware (once again 💀) Consume me + licking the blood from Till's wound. they really want to become one person don't they 2:46 Ivan turns away from the camera is he giving Till a kiss on the cheek or is he whispering something to Till in his sleep we'll never know

"We shall dance", with "our story". TOGETHER. THEY WANT TO BE TOGET- *gets shot* PLEASE LET THEM BE YAOI AGGHGH everlasting memory this moment will last forever THE KISS SCENE I WAS SO HAPPY AT FIRST AND THEN WE ALL KNOW WHAT HAPPENED I rewatched this video too many times the animation just too pretty man 😭 Till pushes him away I noticed this in a lot of promo arts and stuff because yk Mizi

okay back to the video Ivan's expression when he chokes Till kind of looks like him looking down at the camera like he did at the end of Black Sorrow am I reading too into this Till gives up. He doesn't even fight the choking. Normally this would be uncharacteristic but yk Mizi 😭😭 I'm confused how Ivan gets hit??? I think it's bullets but who knows maybe the rain is possessed or maybe Ivan did it himself Like in Till's song (it's been confirmed by the creators that Till killed his enemy to win apparently), if the enemy is killed then you win. Ivan sacrificed himself so Till could win, so Till could live There was also a theory I read that Luka was pissing off Mizi so she would fight back, so she would continue living BUT LUKA IS A WHOLE OTHER STORY THIS ISN'T ABOUT LUKA WE'RE TALKING ABOUT IVANTILL At the end of MIZISUA video, Mizi wakes up crying in the rain. Till stands in the rain staring at Ivan's corpse (but we don't see the body) The light is focused on Ivan, not Till. The light of Ivan's life has been snuffed out, but it also leaves Till in darkness I was expecting Till to make some sort of movement once the lights turned off but nope omg Luka vs Till... Till is gonna kill his ahh for disrespecting Mizi 💀 THE OTHER YAOI DUO!! WHAT HAPPENED TO HYUNA BRO IS MAMA GONNA DIE WHO INTRUDED imagine if the intruder was luka that would be so funny also there is a heavy heartbeat motif in the kick drums for the song omg there is no heartbeat during the music when - Kid Ivan stares deadly at the camera (it stops there) - Ivan enters stage - They build the heartbeat motif again slowly during the backstory part - back to life. Starts with a single kick then double - Ivan is falling insert ivantill my god my universe memes again, Till is literally Ivan's reason for living

thank you for reading my nonsense ramblings it's 3:30 am Ivantill is worth staying up any day THIS IS NOT PROOFREAD I am CRYING 🔥🔥 WE COPE GOOD NIGHT might draw ivantill fanart... doubt I have time though

[gillyweedgrl]

Current Tag Game

Asking me things is dangerous, you almost always get more than you bargained for, but here goes nothing...

Tagged by @thegalwhorants, sorry this is so late, I apparently had my notifications turned off 🤦‍♀️

Current Time: 12:51am and I should definitely be in bed.

Current Activity: Watching Ossan's Love HK and procrastinating going to bed.

Currently (Avoiding) Thinking About: The final episode of Venus in the Sky that I both desperately want to watch and don't want to end and the upcoming finale of Kiseki on Tuesday that I'm also dreading. I don't like endings, okay. I also have a lot of thoughts about Only Friends but there's too much of a pissing contest going on between the lovers/haters of each character/pairing (and the show overall) right now that I'm picking my battles.

Current Favourite Song: I've had Counting Stars by Gawin Caskey stuck in my head all week, I've listened to it on repeat several times. In general my current music fixation is on foreign stuff, mostly Thai and K-Pop and I have go-to playlists for both that I listen to pretty much every day at work.

Currently Watching: Venus in the Sky - Is it fantastic? No. Do I love it anyway? You bet. Am I ready for it to end? Never, I HATE endings! My Universe - Watching this bi-weekly so that I can watch each 2-episode story arc all together. The standouts for me so far have been You Are My So(ul) Mate and Lucky Love. *I'll be watching The Camp Fire tomorrow night later tonight. IFYLITA - I have so many feelings about this masterpiece and no comments. They nailed it. Even the ending, which I mustered up the courage to watch, it was beautiful and sad and hopeful, and I want season 2 right now. I'm sure others have better articulated thoughts about some of it's best points such as Bright and Nonkul's impressive performances, the beautiful cinematography and of course, the HANDS! Kiseki: Dear to Me - I came for the mafia and stayed for the cameos, I LIVE for the cameos! Both couples are great but damn are Chen Yi and Ai Di giving me major side couple syndrome. You Are Mine - Quirky and crazy and cute, loving it. I'm also watching Ossan's Love, the Hong Kong version, and am halfway through ep 7. I can't help comparing it to the original (which I just finished last week) but I'm loving it so far and have twice as many eps to look forward to.

Current Favourite Character: Right now I'm loving Siu Muk from Ossan's Love HK, he's such a sweetheart and he's pining so hard for Tin it hurts my heart. I want him to get his happy ending. My all time fave though is King from Bed Friend, hands down. That man went through the wringer for Uea and the heart eyes he makes whenever he looks at Uea make the hopeless romantic in me weak at the knees.

Current WIP: I'm shotcutting some scenes from Cutie Pie/Naughty Babe and Kixx x Kiss x Kiss, I've got a folder full of photo edits to do from an event back in June (that no one but me needs me to edit therefore I have zero motivation to do so) and I have some 30+ drafts right here I could finish and post but my brain, and the lack of seretonin at the thought of doing that, says no.

Tagging these awesome peeps, but only if you're up for it: @taikanyohou, @forcebookish, @burnsuncomet, @lutawolf

[gaywiththesauce]

Crashed (Hammered, Wasted Even) (RenGiyuu, KNY)

When Giyuu thought of his life, he figured he was lucky.

He thought he was lucky to live under a house with a roof, to go to college, to land a teaching job at a high school, and go to college for his Master's in the summers and loosely in the spring seasons. For the last two years, that's how his life has been. Satisfied, that's how he would describe his life. He got up in the mornings with quick breakfasts, had unremarkable lunches, and ate takeout four days a week for dinner. He liked this life, or at least he convinced himself he did.

"Really? That sounds boring," Shinobu Kocho, one of his students, commented when he mentioned his simple life. She had lockpicked his door after refusing to get it for her on his lunch break. Even having her in here was a risk to his perfect teaching record, but she sat stubbornly in the front row. This is the seventh time she's done this, but classes had only been in session for three weeks.

"That's your opinion," he said calmly, eating out of his premade bento box. He was tired of the tuna flavor. He will buy a different kind tomorrow.

"My opinion is correct! Do you even go out?"

The lunch period was already wrapping up, so he finished what was left, "I shouldn't discuss my personal life with a student, you know." That got a groan out of Shinobu. She had something homemade with her. Curry rice, or what was left of it after she was finished. Shinobu ate faster than him, which gave her ample time to question every damn thing about him.

"C'mon," she stood to throw away her dirty napkins, "I'm not just a student."

Giyuu laughed through his nose. Yes, she was also an employee at the library he visited twice a month. The first time to rent books that won't be finished, and the second time to return them so there wasn't a fee on his card. Oh, and she was in one (1) of his classes this summer. Biology. For some reason, she took a college class as a junior going on to senior. Despite him never asking about it, she explained it anyways. It was something about wanting to be ahead of her classmates and something about her sister he didn't catch. She talked to him the entire course and was his lab partner, so it was ironic when he saw her sitting in one of his afternoon classes. She has insisted that Giyuu is her equal, even going as far as demanding more respect and being treated as an "adult." He had no idea what that meant because his behavior was the same for everyone.

"Fine, I'll drop it, Tomioka-san. I won't pry into your personal life," she said irritatingly.

"That's Tomioka-sensei here, Shinobu-chan," he scolded her. He could bring it up to the principal and have her called in on her manners, but that would be extra paperwork he did not feel like dealing with.

Giyuu threw away the rest of his pathetic lunch. Admittedly, that was one of the worst lunches he's ever bought. He thought for a moment that he might have gotten the wrong brand. He looked at the clock on the wall and looked back at Shinobu. She had been talking to him this entire time, just now realizing he hadn't been listening. "Tomioka-san," she whined, "You are hopeless, you know that?"

Ouch.

---------------

Hello! It's Saucy here. This is a WIP that I'm working on. I only have chapter one up right now but there's at least 11 that I plan to have in the story, maybe more!

I also plan to post updates here about the fic and other fics so feel free to follow along! And here is the link to the rest of the chapter!

Chapter Two - Three - Four

[luckywendysworld]

my sr chart observations

not a professional astrologer !!!

i love reading about sr charts as i feel like you can have a peek at what will happen to you with your solar return year <3 so these are just my own observation and interpretation about my sr chart last year and what happened to me.

i don't know if this is a coincidence or what but i had a gemini moon and taurus mars in the 10th house and all of them had tense aspects in my sun and MC and i happen to graduate a few months after my birthday and i was actually super excited but at the same time get anxiety with the job hunting process. my mindset shifts a LOT, one time i'm believing in myself and next i'm now having impostor syndrome then will go on to improve myself again and the cycle begins.

my virgo mercury in 2nd house also did not help with that lmao, i am so hard on myself most of the time. and i feel like my self-worth this year fluctuates a LOT but leaning toward a more negative side.

my love life is NON EXISTENT this year with my leo venus in 10th house lmao. But I did talk to a few people here and there but I mostly push and pull with the communication bit. my hopeless romantic ass also came back and i daydreamed a lot about romantic relationships.

I learned a lot about myself by having the sun in the 1st house. i did have a lot of energy to know and take care of myself more and I did venture with a lot of projects (that I did not finish lol)

with saturn in the 7th house, i noticed that my long-term relationships with my family and friends really strengthened. i met a lot of my friends before and did talk a lot about the hard times of being a first-time adult in the real world.

pluto capricorn in the 6th house really changed my routine in 180 a lot of times. I had a time wherein I sleep at 5 am but also times when my routine starts at 7 AM lmao. But I kinda enjoy it just to have a new routine and kinda easy for me to change them (almost all of my planets trine with my pluto.) I also notice that I am very hardworking when it comes to work (1st time lol) but still know how to take my ground and set boundaries with my mars in 10th house this year. I am also surrounded by hardworking people.

i have an earth grand trine that is on the 2nd, 6th, and 10th houses. Those are the houses that had a lot of impact on me this year with the first time job hunting and thinking about how to handle money, switching routines, self-improvement, and self-worth issues.

having uranus in the 9th house, I was traveling a lot this year with my fam and friends. discovered new places and experience a lot of first-times! i also became more open-minded about people's beliefs and try to understand the environment that they're coming from.

maybe this post can help you analyze your sr chart if you have signs and aspects the same as mine! or if you know how to help me analyze my sr chart or have some opinions with my obv, feel free to comment! <3

i am so excited for my next solar return chart since I'll have an 11th house stellium and a kite pattern and yod in my chart lmao but my saturn in 4th and pluto in 3rd is lurking in the corner haha :)

[littlesolo]

Repercussions

(A fragment from a future fic/ or one shot. Who knows, but the scene is in my head and I'm sharing it.)

Kate's sitting on the edge of Lucy's desk after a long case. After a long case, they're all exhausted, but not too tired to grab a quick drink together. They're headed for the elevator when the doors open and a man walks out. Lucy can tell it's for official business from the way he's dressed, but also from how her girlfriend suddenly stands straighter.

"Special Agent Whistler, I need you to listen very carefully. A situation has come to light that has taken an... unexpected and unfortunate turn" says the man. Jane holds her hand up and steps between them.

"Hold on, who are you and what is going on?" asks Jane.

"Um, this is Robert Harper. He's my old boss from when I was with DIA" explains Kate.

"Well, that clears one thing up, but I'm more interested in the unexpected and unfortunate part" comments Jesse. Harper looks at Kate, who tilts her head.

"This is the NCIS team I was a liaison to. I'd trust them with my life" she tells him.

"Well, let's hope it doesn't come to that, but it might." Kate looks over at her and then Jane has them move to a conference room. "An old DIA case has come to light. So far, two individuals who were part of the case have been killed as well as one who wasn't. The last individual was the one who took the team management position back in DC that we offered you."

"The killer was looking to kill me?"

"That is the one of the smaller issues of the situation."

"Not to me!" It comes out before Lucy can stop it, but she means it and reaches for Kate's hand.

"At the moment, it would appear that the DIA is behind the killings" explains Harper.

"And you're here to tell us that you're not and keep Whistler safe" says Kai.

"I'm here to ask if Anson Gephardt has been in contact with you" says Harper, his gaze fixed on Kate. Kate shakes her head.

"Are you saying he's behind the murders?" she asks.

"I'm not at liberty to discuss the matter any further. I've shared what I have already as a courtesy" says Harper as he gets up from the table.

"Wait, so should Whistler be watching her back or what?" asks Jesse. His answer comes in the form of the elevator doors dinging as they closed.

"Kate, you're taking this all really well..." says Jane hesitantly. Kate shakes her head.

"I'm trying to remember the cases I did with Gephardt. It's been a long time. I worked with him in DC. Is it okay if I just bunk here in a back office until all of this is taken care of?" asks Kate. Lucy gives her hand a squeeze.

----

Everything makes me think of them. I'm hopeless. Who knows when I'll get back to this, but for now, it's here.

[htub]

I think what's really most painful to me about Lex's treatment is how much I see myself in him tbh. Putting this baby under a cut to be polite but the last post i reblogged illicited Thoughts and I'm being very autistic about this rn.

I don't wanna get too personal but I also don't actually care so just look. Look. He's just like me fr. This boy's been fucked over constantly from childhood but he's trying, he's trying so hard and so much. And yea, my mother died when I was a kid and left me to be raised by an abusive father, and I got bullied by my classmates, my teachers, even my goddamned therapists that were supposed to help me not make me worse. I swear I'm not trying to make this a sob story, I'm just saying my life was Not Fun, alright? I was just straight up not having a very good time. And one day years ago I just decided this sucks, people suck, and well I want it to be better and for that someone's gotta start. I don't ever want to make anybody feel the way I felt, the way people made me feel, so I'm choosing to do better because this cycle ends with me. So I'm actively trying to treat everyone how I want to be treated, even if they don't do the same, but a lot of times - most of the time - they really do not to the same so it's honestly pretty one-sided and not that peachy. Though thankfully I got no aliens gaslighting me yet, I think. Probably.

Still I'm nowhere near as good as Lex, and my god do I want to be like him, and obviously I also lack the money and influence he has, but I very much try. As much as I hate to admit it, I actually take after my dad a lot, and people even comment on how alike we are when they meet us together, but my dad's an asshole and doing better is a choice. A choice I actively make every day, because it's not how I was raised and not my instinctive behavior. I honestly was raised to be a piece of shit. And it's not always easy, and what I'm trying to say with this incoherent rambling is just, I get it. I get it way too much.

Normally this is why I'm drawn to Superman as a character, because he's got the same goodness I hope to have as well, the same kindness and forgiveness and just love. I'm getting the symbol tattooed on my arm for crying out loud. It's important to me.

But Smallville is really wanting to hurt me in different ways so they're instead giving me someone who's much more like me in backstory and personality and then they're making me watch him get broken into pieces, and there's no happy ending. Knowing there's no happy ending is the worst part. Normally fiction is an escape from reality, but this time it's too realistic, because yep, that's what the world does. It fucks us all over with no mercy, but that's not what I want to see! I want to see this boy be loved! And knowing I won't get that sucks.

And I'm still gonna be the best I can be even if I know the world's definitely headed downhill, because that's the kind of person I want to be, but the hopelessness and despair that comes with watching Lex's character arc is truly a new level of anguish I've received from a damn TV show. Congratulations on that, Smallville. I guess. At whoever was in charge of this, I hope you'll be pleased to know my therapist asks about this damn show every single week, unprompted. He's got it written down in his notes and everything. Probably not the most healthy reaction to a two decades old tv show? But like, I got all the DVDs. I cherish them. I love this show. Don't know if I'll ever actually watch it because it clearly is not good for my mental health but I love it. I hate it too. It just didn't have to go there, you know? That was just low.

[ephrom]

Septy's Apology

Yeah, SeptyPaws released an apology video regarding their various recent actions--and I have some thoughts. The video can be watched here if anybody is curious, although I do plan to summarize the video in the post you're about to read.

The video specifically apologizes to Hopeless Peaches, LioConvoy, Just a Robot, CallMeNil, and Neko Koda. So far the reaction has been mixed, although two of the people Septy apologized to have left comments on their video. Nil congratulated Septy for apologizing and said that he accepts it, and Koda called it manipulative bullshit.

Yeah, that's something that really rubbed me the wrong way. While talking about Neko Koda--who, again, she's supposed to be apologizing too--Septy talks about how close they were to Koda and how they saved Koda after her suicide attempt--as if that has any relevance to the issues at hand. It comes off like they're trying to say Koda threw them under the bus without actually saying if that makes sense--or maybe I'm looking for something that isn't there. I just get this really "after all I've done for you this is how you repay" vibe from it.

Mind you, this was part of a larger issue with the apology: Septy kept talking about how they felt and how they were effected and this and that--when a video like this should be about the people they're apologizing to, not them. 2jun recently posted a tweet that I personally think is very relevant here.

Now, I'm not going to go as far as some people and say Septy only engaged in mindless excuse making--because that's far from the case. Septy did try and say the server that involved drawing NSFW of the OCs of various YouTubers was "showing appreciation" (which is an argument straight out of Carmen's playbook--by the way) and talked about how Neko Koda had no issue with the art of Carmen being gang raped at first. However, I'm at least willing to chalk the first one up to poor wording and the second on up to Septy's habit of including details that really don't matter--especially in regards to Neko Koda.

Also, they seem to be under the impression Lio has actually adopted Hopeless Peaches--that's just not true. Hopeless calls Lio an incredibly strong father figure in her life, and legally Lio is not in her custody nor recognized as a legal parent or guardian. Lio just does this with some people who he feels have especially bad role models or who he particularly cares about--fuck, the last time I talked to him about a year and a half ago he said something similar about Opal.

I'll say this: I'm at least willing to give Septy more of a benefit of the doubt than they probably deserve when it comes to this apology. If a year from now Septy really has shown improvement--I won't say I'd be surprised but I'd also say that I'd understand why others would be. This video just felt really performative for lack of a better word, and overly emotional if I'm being honest. I understand the second one, but I know that not everybody will and it can easily come off like Septy's trying to become the victim.

[spirituallyyellow]

17/5/24 pt2

I wonder how long I'll keep writing this much.

In high school, I wrote in my livejournal just about every single day - sometimes multiple times a day, and usually really long entries, too. I kinda believe that writing in my LJ was a major factor in surviving my teens and very early twenties. I wrote deeply personal stuff on livejournal, and I had a physical journal that I wrote in often, too, and then on top of that, I had an online friend who was quite a bit older and pretty much filled the role of my Internet Aunt who I could email for advice about boys, friends, school, body stuff, all that. It's such a risky thing in hindsight, but she was lovely and helpful - a really deep source of support.

I stopped updating my LJ every day when I went to the commune at 19 - this was before internet was easy to access and we had to schedule in half hour slots twice a week, and I was nervous about other people there finding it in search history or something. I'd update occasionally and wipe the history, but mostly I just wrote in my physical journal.

Then a weird shift happened where N and I went from being LJ friends to being RL friends, to dating, to being engaged and then married, and it felt strange to write about my thoughts and feelings when I wasn't always telling him about them.

I worked very hard to try to keep my family from ever being able to see my LJ, and I think when N made the shift to family, my brain kinda went, "my private thoughts are off-limits now".

I don't like it when people I see in real life know about my thoughts.

Anyway, eventually Russia bought and killed LJ, and that outlet disappeared completely. And I had kids, so I had less time and energy to write, and then it kind of became a bad association because every time I did write, it was because everything felt so awful I had to get it out, but then it meant that there would be huge gaps of multiple months or years and then a short entry that basically said, "Everything sucks, I don't know how to cope" and that was it. Just unscrewing the cap juuuuust enough to let out the carbonation, not enough to actually relax.

I think what makes this different is that I finally came to the end of what I could bear. And I do like typing and sending my thoughts out into the internet void - that's a strong hardwired positive thing in my brain, just because I had been doing online journalling for pretty much the entirety of my adolescence, to mostly positive results. I'm still in contact with some of my LJ friends, and obviously I'm still married to N.

The only thing I don't like about this is the lack of comment thread function, to be honest. LJ really nailed that.

Anyway, I've given a couple of people this address - I don't know what will come of it. I did it mainly because I didn't want to actually tell them the whole story - I preferred to link them to what I'd written. It's very exhausting to tell people you wanted to kill yourself because then they have feelings and I feel like I need to attend to them and I can't because my feelings are so horrible.

Also, how do you even comfort someone in that situation?

"No, don't be upset, I'm not really that great tbh"

"It's OK, you would have been a little sad for a short time and then you would have gotten on with the rest of your life"

"It's all right, it's just me, I'm not worth all this"

I don't think that would go over very well, even if it does feel true.

I remember a long time ago, the last time I felt suicidal. It wasn't even that bad, more of a hopeless feeling than anything, an "I'd be better off dead" but not really planning anything kind of deal. I went for coffee with someone I was friends with but not like super deep friends with, and she asked me how I was doing as I seemed a little down. I told her, very calmly, and she started crying, and I was one hundred percent bewildered. Like, girl you do not care about me this much, come on. Couldn't fathom it.

I still sort of feel that way, even with the friends I'm very close to. Like when Pam started crying on that phone call, I felt horrible and ashamed of myself, but there was a little feeling of, "but why though?"

And it's also extremely awkward and weird to try to move on from the conversation, I'm finding. Like how do you go from, Hey buddy, just wanted to let you know I almost tried to kill myself recently, no worries to here's this stupid gif I found? You don't.

I hate it when people say reach out or call me anytime. I have no idea how much they mean that. I don't know what their schedules are like. I don't want to be that person who calls when somebody is already having a shitty day and then all of a sudden they have to be on high alert for their suicidal friend. I don't even know what I want to say, 90% of the time.

It does feel like such a huge thing for people to not know about. It makes it hard to connect to people, especially in real life. I don't want to tell a lot of people, I don't want to deal with the reactions, and I don't want to deal with my inner anxiety gremlin constantly clawing at the walls of my brain, desperate to know what they're thinking.

In early 2020, before covid, I told my best friend from uni about my cousin. And because he was also training as a therapist, we were both really comfortable just straight up asking each other, "How do you feel after hearing this? What are you thinking? What's going on for you right now?" and both of us had the emotional intelligence and self-awareness to be able to name those feelings and sit with the complexity without trying to fix it.

Although, when I told him about my cousin, I asked, "What are you thinking right now?" and the answer was extremely simple.

"I'm thinking about how fucking proud of you I am, and how much I want to fucking kill this guy." He smiled at me, but not in a pitying way. In a caring way. Maybe a little sad. I felt too nervous to spend a lot of time looking at him.

"Do you see me differently now?"

"Of course not. Are you okay?" That of course not did so much heavy lifting. Like it was just a complete given that I was still the same person.

I smiled and said, "Yeah, I'm just - really shaky and sweaty," and he passed me his glass full of ice so I could cool my hands down.

R is really good at just moving on from difficult topics. Probably of all the people I could tell, he would handle it the best, but it's really overwhelming to think about letting somebody else in to all of this mess right now.

I need to do something this weekend. I'm kind of sick - one of these super lethargic, coughing, struggling to breathe sometimes kind of bugs. But I think I need to push through this weekend and do something else because I just can sense how easy it would be for me to spiral.

I've spent all day in bed today. To be fair, I really have been sick and I've slept a big chunk of the day, but it did feel appropriate. This has been such a hell of a week that I had no choice but to take to my bed, like in a Tennessee Williams play.

N and I had a really difficult conversation last night and eventually I said, "I just feel like if this was a Jane Austen novel, I could go live in a mansion in the countryside for a month with a kindly aunt and uncle while I recover from my melancholia."

"So we just need to find a rich aunt and uncle in the countryside," he said with a gentle smile.

I laughed, a little bitterly. "I feel like the closest thing I could have to that is going back to [the commune] but like..." and here I did start crying a lot, "I just don't have the energy for that right now."

He rubbed my foot and said, "Just because it's the right answer sometimes doesn't mean it's the right answer all the time. It does take a lot of energy to be there."

And when I think of going back now, honestly, I'm mostly remembering the amount of shame that got dumped on me, that feeling of, I can never do anything right for these people, I always misread everything, I make it too deep, I'm doing it wrong. I'm doing that place wrong, every fucking time. At this point, to be completely honest, I don't know if I'll ever go back. I'm tired of always being told the same old shit: I'm needy, I'm too intense a person, I always go too deep, I always look like I'm desperate for people to love me. And Andrew, years ago, telling me that I am dangerous when wounded, like I was a fucking dog.

I don't know what I did. That's what really upsets me: people tell me all of this every time I go there, but they never tell me what to do differently. I just have to magically figure it out.

And at home, in my normal life, I have literally everyone around me telling me the opposite - that I'm not needy at all, that I'm extremely competent, that I could do with being more needy, that I'm not too intense for people, that I'm kind and funny and make people feel cared for. It's such a wildly different perception of me that I just have no idea where to even start.

It all feels like a trick. Reach out to people, but not like that. Ask for help, but you have to figure things out for yourself.

You know, like, how am I supposed to deal with this anxious-insecure attachment when literally all the feedback I get about my behaviour is so wildly contradictory? I feel fucking paralysed.

I talked about this with J, my friend and office-share person, and my therapist, neither of whom are Christians, and they were both like, "It's crazy that anybody would see you as needy, I don't see that at all."

And then I have M from the commune being like, "I've known you for a long time, Lauren, and you are..." blah blah blah all those negative things.

And you know what actually, how fucking ridiculous is that. She hasn't known me for a long time - she sees a two week glimpse of me, every few years, during what is usually a really turbulent time in my life, and she's hardly ever even been in the house when I've been there. Even when I was there for the full term, seventeen years ago, I don't remember any significant conversations with her. I had a different tutor, who also gave me shit. It honestly makes me feel like I have Punching Bag written across my face.

I don't know if I'll ever go back - I honestly think at this point that I might not, I might just be done with it, but if I do, I can't see how on earth I could ever sit down across from her and get anything productive done.

I wish I'd had the wherewithal to stand up for myself and tell her to shove her tutorials up her ass. And Andrew, too. And I'm using his real first name because I'm done protecting the identity and role of some asshole who told me that being molested by my cousin wasn't significant enough for him and his stupid tutorials.

The only thing I miss about that place right now is sitting in the small study with a fireplace and a board game. But I miss that a lot, even though it's so small and stupid. It was just the only time in such a long time that I can think of feeling okay in. I almost wish I'd never had it because now I wouldn't know what I was missing.

I believe that God put me there, in that place, at that time, for a reason - so many things lined up to just fit perfectly - but damn, sometimes even gifts feel painful.

[youmustbestrongernow]

Hey, not a question, just a quick reminder that your writing is absolutely amazing and it is currently keeping me company most nights when my insomnia prevents me from getting much sleep - I've said it before and I will say again, no matter what you write or who you write about, I will always appreciate reading it and enjoy your storytelling.

Like, I've talked about your druck fics to my roommate several times this week because I'm re-reading one of them, and she doesn't even know the show. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that you are freaking talented and your writing matters to people! I also hoped you had a good new years and are doing well in general!! Alright, I'll stop now, thanks for coming to my Ted Talk that is: Theo writes in a way that makes me feel less lonely in the loneliest hours of the night and I am grateful for that

All the best! xx

Ok so last night I couldn't sleep at all, my insomnia has been pretty bad too lately. Then i got this message and I went to bed with a smile on my face, it was so touching.

Just the idea that my writing has brought you comfort, I mean that’s really why I shared so much in the first place.

For a little while there I lost... not my passion but my I guess motivation/drive for writing, and I really really missed the comfort it provided me, it felt like such a loss. It’s only really toward the end of last year when my spark came back, everything felt ok and settled again.

But I am writing again now, and like yeah it's not as intense and quick as it was when I was writing druck, but actually that's probably a good thing, I think I burnt myself out there. Now I'm working on something I originally wrote years ago, when I was figuring myself out and everything felt hopeless and difficult. And now things are still difficult but now I have hope and I guess more life experience so the whole tone of the story has changed, and it’s really fun to work on. It’s great fun to kind of work through things, with the fun of a fantasy setting. Butt his is something I originally wrote and filed away, with no plans on sharing, I have a whole host of slightly messy stories on my hard drive like that. But I don’t know, I like the idea of putting it out there (somehow) and hopefully easing a few people’s loneliness

That’s so wild that you talk about my fics with your roommate! But sometimes it hits me like how many people my stories reached and touched, and like I’m not showing off or anything, I just never expected much from them when I started posting. Yeah they were super precious to me. And it was always so nice to get nice comments that they were being enjoyed, but it was the comments that they helped people, or that they resonated with others experiences, those are the ones that made me feel less alone.

The winter break was actually pretty rough and lonely for me, because I was pretty ill, but I’m doing much better now, and feeling so hopeful for this year. It’s going to be damn unsettled but in a good way, lots of good things to come.

Anyway all that just to say, I really really appreciate this message, it brought me a lot of joy on an otherwise uneventful and restless evening. I suffer terribly from loneliness at times, and while writing my little stories was a great comfort, sharing them and hearing that they helped other people was always both astounding and wonderful.

[ddejavvu]

I would run to you - opposite attract eddie munson (kinda like hopeless romantic book lover )

Also congratulations mei i love ur new theme and it looks really great

come celebrate 5.7k with me! - thank you so much!! i'm glad you like it, i do too :D

Book Club - Eddie Munson x Reader

Summary: Eddie doesn't expect to see you in the fantasy section at the Hawkins library. He has to take his chance while he has it, even if it means telling a little white lie that you're far too interested in.

feedback is greatly appreciated! comment, reblog, talk in the tags, send me a message, tell me what you think!

Contrary to popular belief, Eddie Munson visits the library on a regular basis. He frequents the deep fantasy section, and even if he'll never admit it, he has a carefully planned out thought process as to which novel he'll bring home next.

It's a little checklist, the components measured being:

1.) Time since last return: has it been sitting there forever? Could he risk not taking it home right away? Or could he put it out of its misery?

2.) Time since arrival: is it a new book? Is he going to die without the knowledge it contains? Or can he let the hype around it die down?

3.) Previous affiliations: Is it a sequel to a book he really liked? Is it a prequel to a book he's never read? Will he be confused without reading another book first?

Sometimes, though, he just has to go with his gut. And his gut is currently telling him that he needs the book he'd passed up last week, a recently published deep fantasy novel heavily circling around dragons. He's loved dragons for years, since the moment he caught a saturday morning cartoon about their adventures around a fantasy realm. He turns the corner into the shelves where he knows the book is sitting, a confident spring in his step as the leather of his jacket bounces against his chest. He stops dead in his tracks, though, when he sees a very familiar cover, the book splayed open in your hands as you flipped through the pages.

You hear the commotion he makes by strutting in, the near-silent library watching as he makes his entrance. You step back against the shelves behind you, nodding apologetically to the shelf you were just standing in front of, "Sorry. Go ahead."

He's bewildered. He's never seen anyone else in the fantasy section before, he knows that there must be fans in Hawkins because sometimes the books get checked out, but he'd have assumed they were younger kids just getting into their first fantasy novel because there was a wizard on the cover. Not incredibly pretty people like you. And not to mention your age, you seem to be about his own, if only a year or two younger.

He finally lets a sheepish smile cross his face, "You're fine. I, uh, I was going for that one." He gestures to the book in your hands and your eyes widen, your fingers slipping out from between the pages as you snap it shut.

"Sorry! Sorry, I.. I haven't really read anything like this before," You hold the book out for him, "I was just curious. You can take it!"

"No, no, it's okay." Suddenly the burning desire for the book in your hands is gone, the cover looking much more suited in your hands than it would in his own, "You can read it. It's your first fantasy novel, I'd be a dick to take it from you."

You seem suspicious of his generosity, still extending the book towards him. He ducks for another book on the shelf, a title further down on his list, but still present, "I'll take this one. Been meaning to read it for ages."

"Are you sure?" You finally question him, and he nods vigorously, his hair bouncing wildly around his head.

"Under one condition, though." He takes the leap of faith, something funny twisting in his tummy at the sparkling curiosity in your eyes as you nod.

"You read a few of my recommendations."

You cock your head to the side at his offer and he steps forward, plucking a book off of the shelf.

"This one," He starts, "Is super good. Lots of worldbuilding, great character development." He tucks the thin book between his middle and pointer finger, using his thumb to pinch another in his grip, "And this one is more focused on mythical creatures," He hands them both to you, "It's a really good book for getting into fantasy."

You take them both with wide eyes, hooked on every word of Eddie's fantasy elevator pitch. He snatches one last book from the shelves, a personal favorite of his, "And this one's the best by far. It's the whole package, and it's got great battle scenes."

You have the books clutched to your chest and he realizes that if you rearrange them one will fall, so he keeps it in his hands, "If you wanna check 'em out, I can help you to the counter."

You deliberate for only a moment, then you nod once, "Thank you. You're.. you're Eddie, right?"

He should be stunned that you know his name, but something sinks in his chest as he realizes it's probably due to his not-so-great reputation around town. But he plays it off, nodding as his grin curves up to expose a glimmer of his teeth, "That's me."

"Thank you, Eddie." You offer him the first smile of what will be many, the sight warming his heart and bringing a flush to his cheeks, "I didn't know you were a big reader."

He struggles to make himself sound cooler, hellbent on impressing you instead of admitting that he hangs upside-down off of his bed with a book bent in half in his hands, "Um, yeah. I've got a.. book club."

He does not have a book club.

"A book club?" Your eyes shine, "Can I join?"

You cannot join his book club. He does not have a book club.

"Of course you can!" He smiles forcibly at you, though the expression melts into a genuine gooey one as your face lights up, "If you give me your number, I can call you before the next meeting."

"I don't have a pen or paper," You lament, "I'll see if the front desk-"

"No, no." Eddie waves you off, taking the books carefully from your grasp and tucking them under one arm, "Here. I've got a sharpie."

He plucks the permanent marker out of his pocket, handing it proudly over to you. He silently thanks his doodling habit for keeping him prepared.

"I still don't have paper." You laugh awkwardly, but he holds out the hem of his denim vest.

"Here, sweetheart." The pet name rolls easily off of his tongue, but doesn't seem as mindless as it usually does, bringing a momentary flush to your cheeks, "Just sign it there."

"But that's- this is permanent." You remind him, as if that hadn't been the reason for the suggestion, "It won't wash out."

"Then I'll remember you forever." He grins cheekily at you, still brandishing the denim towards you, "C'mon. Digits, babe."

You seem flustered speechless at his bold words, but it shocks you into compliance, and you scribble your number onto the grungy jacket. He watches your tongue poke out of your mouth in concentration with an adoring twinge in his eyes, not bothering to break the gaze when you step back and notice it.

'Perfect." He takes back the sharpie that you hand him, then carefully deposits the books back into your grasp, "Now come on, I'll walk you to the front. 'Gotta make sure you don't chicken out on me." He's teasing, but something deep down inside of him is truly concerned that maybe he'd been too forward, that maybe you were just being nice about his fantasy fixation and that you'd put the books back altogether once you were out of his sight.

He watches you check out the books with growing amusement, incredulity at your follow-through warming his chest and making his heart thump. Then he remembers his blatant lie, panic clawing at his lungs as his smile drops.

He needs to start a book club.

[luckydragon10]

P&P Chapters 7 and 8

(Chapters 5 and 6)

As of my last reading, Mr. Darcy hadn't budged from his mean -15 points, but Lizzy rose to +25.

Chapter 7

The village of Longbourn was only one mile from Meryton; a most convenient distance for the young ladies, who were usually tempted thither three or four times a week, to pay their duty to their aunt and to a milliner’s shop just over the way.

Somehow I feel like the milliner's shop might be the bigger draw than the aunt...

They could talk of nothing but officers; and Mr. Bingley’s large fortune, the mention of which gave animation to their mother, was worthless in their eyes when opposed to the regimentals of an ensign.

The female gaze is well represented here.

“I am astonished, my dear,” said Mrs. Bennet, “that you should be so ready to think your own children silly. If I wished to think slightingly of anybody’s children, it should not be of my own, however.”

I have no doubt that you think slightingly of MANY other people's children.

“Mamma,” cried Lydia, “my aunt says that Colonel Forster and Captain Carter do not go so often to Miss Watson’s as they did when they first came; she sees them now very often standing in Clarke’s library.”

Read the room, Lydia.

“No, my dear, you had better go on horseback, because it seems likely to rain; and then you must stay all night.” “That would be a good scheme,” said Elizabeth, “if you were sure that they would not offer to send her home.”

...+5. Yes, please, bring logic into this. Also, that's quite a lead you have on Mr. Darcy at this point.

Will he ever get a chance to dig himself out of his hole?

“Well, my dear,” said Mr. Bennet, when Elizabeth had read the note aloud, “if your daughter should have a dangerous fit of illness—if she should die, it would be a comfort to know that it was all in pursuit of Mr. Bingley, and under your orders.”

It's ALMOST funny but hits the wrong note for me. Mr. Bennet, don't make me start scoring you as well.

“I admire the activity of your benevolence,” observed Mary, “but every impulse of feeling should be guided by reason; and, in my opinion, exertion should always be in proportion to what is required.”

Thank you, Marytron 2000, you sound like a textbook read by an android.

Mr. Darcy said very little, and Mr. Hurst nothing at all. The former was divided between admiration of the brilliancy which exercise had given to her complexion, and doubt as to the occasion’s justifying her coming so far alone. 

Mr. Darcy, your conflicting comments render a net zero sum. That was a missed opportunity to start digging yourself out of the hole. OMG, why do I bother with you? Hopeless.

Elizabeth did not quit her room for a moment,

Good sister points, another +5.

~~~

Chapter 8

The sisters, on hearing this, repeated three or four times how much they were grieved, how shocking it was to have a bad cold, and how excessively they disliked being ill themselves; and then thought no more of the matter: and their indifference towards Jane when not immediately before them, restored Elizabeth to the enjoyment of all her original dislike.

AH! Delightful. Elizabeth is also using a scoring system. 😂🤣

who, when he found her prefer a plain dish to a ragout, had nothing to say to her.

Someone help, what's a ragout? Don't make me google this. I shan't.

“It shows an affection for her sister that is very pleasing,” said Bingley.

You have my full permission to marry Jane.

“Not at all,” he replied; “they were brightened by the exercise.” A short pause followed this speech, and Mrs. Hurst began again.

*suspicious side-eye* I'm giving you a tentative +5. VERY tentative. I feel like you're going to kill it off at any second.

“If they had uncles enough to fill all Cheapside,” cried Bingley, “it would not make them one jot less agreeable.” “But it must very materially lessen their chance of marrying men of any consideration in the world,” replied Darcy.

HA. I'll take those 5 points back now!

Ahh, a nice rousing argument between our leads, yes, very good.

Oops, Jane, sorry, looks like you will continue to be the sickly device by which we keep the leads in proximity. Get well soon, Jane.

(Chapters 9 and 10)

[aseikh]

Could you analyze how will got addicted to warmweed in book 3?

I feel like people forget how that happened

I'm not sure there is much to analyze how it happened beyond what is presented in the book, and if people forget how it happened then it can easily be reread. I also feel somewhat uncomfortable analyzing Flanagan's accuracy in depicting addiction (so if anyone wants to pipe in, then please do so!), but there are a few things I do want to say about this topic so I guess this is as good a time as any.

First things first, same disclaimers as my last analysis post. This may or may not be classified as an 'essay,' but I still want it to be accessible to anyone who may want to read it. Therefore, I'm not gonna be sticking to strict essay rules such as no personal opinions/casual language. Also considering how tired I got of searching through 14 books for my last one, I don't think I'll be using strict citations, but rather referencing what book things can be found in.

First and foremost, I feel like the circumstances leading up to Will being offered the warmweed must be taken into account when talking about this situation. It wasn't just the addiction that was traumatic to Will, it was all of the events leading up to it. Getting captured, the journey to Skandia, the yardwork, etc. It was the combination of everything leading up to the offer, in addition to Will's hopelessness on this situation, that eventually pulled him into accepting the offer of warmweed after being told it would be help. From what I know, this is how addiction usually works. A culmination or catalyst provokes the need/want of a type of release, the release being whatever state the drug puts them into.

Will was addicted for some time before Cassandra and Erak managed to break him out, but even after their escape we know that Will was still on the drug because he had to be weaned off. Off the top of my head, I would say he was addicted for several months before they began weaning him. We also know that while Will was in the slave yards, he went through different types of abuse (which I won't get into) that inevitably weakened him. This leads to the first point that I want to make, in which the process of breaking Will from the addiction was sooooo so so so rushed and just ... inaccurate?

For one thing, he was only focused on the direct need for the drug as well as Will's behavior while on the drug. Besides that, we don't really get to see much more about what Will is probably going through. While this can be excused because this is a children's series, it brings up the question as to why he even included it then. Flanagan does this a lot--introduces things, but when it's time to take another look at them, he just kind of dismisses it. Like the trauma that Will invariably got from this whole Skandia arc, it's rarely brought up again, and when it is--boy do I have some issues with it.

I can recall 2 instances in which his Skandia experiences are brought up again, one of which is completely OOC for Will.

In book 5, when Will finds Shadow on the side of the road and uses warmweed salve. There's like a single sentence about Will being uncomfortable with it. (This one is fine.)

In book 5, Will offers Buttle up to the Skandians as a sort of payment. This is super odd, especially coming from someone who had been a slave himself and freed a bunch of slaves with his actions. Now he's throwing people into slavery?

In book 7, when Will makes a comment about Borsa and still being resentful towards him. (And Horace tells him to GET OVER IT.)

Apparently there are more moments in which Will has a negative reaction to warmweed salve, but I'll only list that one once. What I'm trying to say is that, Flanagan seemed dedicated to including some pretty intense stuff in his children's book, including slavery, drug addiction, and trauma ... but invented the Wargals because he didn't want kids reading a book about humans killing other humans. It's just very odd to not want to include anything too graphic for the kids, but then decide to go into slavery, addiction, etc, later on in his series. He's very inconsistent with his writing, which I think lends to the fact that the trauma from the slavery and addiction is barely touched upon after the initial event.

I truly believe that the ... vagueness from the recovery could have been more excusable had Flanagan gone further with the long-term affects it had on Will. Like we know Will sometimes has issues with warmweed salve and uses a different salve, but if he has issues with that, wouldn't he have issues with other things? Wouldn't he have triggers? Why did Will think it appropriate to sell Buttle into slavery? As a form of punishment? When he'd been previously (essentially) tortured in the slave yards? How can one of Will's closest friend's just tell him to "get over" something that traumatized him?

I know this is less about how he got addicted to warmweed, but we know how he got addicted. The part that people tend to forget, though, is that it wasn't only the warmweed that hurt Will. It was everything else that led up to it as well as everything that happened while he was addicted. That is why Will accepted it in the first place.

Both Will and Cassandra were harmed by being captured and sold into slavery, but it's like the difference between a life sentence and a death sentence in prison. By being sent to the yards, Will was essentially being sentenced to death by work and the elements. Cassandra was given a life sentence, in which she was more valuable the longer they were able to keep her.

So, yeah. That's what I have to say about that.

TL;DR, Will was traumatized before being given the warmweed, which led him to take it. His recovery and reaction to warmweed afterwards is half-assed, and Flanagan shouldn't have gotten into these topics in the first place if he didn't want to deal with the aftermath in a children's series. Trauma isn't pretty, my dudes.