#for something i just drew in like. 10 minutes or so. its fucking awesome

[zombie-vodka]

jitters, it/its

constantly twitching and very very jumpy.

[slasherwife]

Stoic face reader is so awesome! Could you do a tidbit of mikey sneaking into houses and offing people, and sneaking into one to find a super stoic person waiting on their dinner to finish cooking while eating candy, and offer him some?

“Candy”

MichaelMyersxReader

Michael Myers, broken out of asylum, is INCREDIBLY hungry. Lucky for him, Y/n just finished some slow-cooked soup and offers him some when he breaks into her home! warnings: slight violence and cussing!

“Um, Sir, kill me if you must but that crisp twenty you took from the key tray is mine.”

Michael craned his head in absolute awe and confusion, for the fifth time this evening, to the person he had tied up hours ago. Not once did she resist or scream or seem even remotely scared.

“I was going to offer you candy when you showed up but now I’m late for my theatre session— and lucky for you I hold grudges.”

Michael wanted them to shut the fuck up but at the same time he never got a victim so talkative and he wanted to hear more. It was almost amusing.

Also, did they mention candy? Michael stood up, eyes on them the entire time as he walked over to the woman sitting on a chair with her hands tied. He grabbed their hair,

“Ow.” He stared into their orbs with obvious want, until she decided to break the silence.

“What. Do you. Want?” She spat through her teeth.

Michael licked his lips and blinked. His mouth made the movements, and she could barely understand him. When she did, her eyes narrowed, and her expression turned spiteful.

“I’ll take that secret to my gr—OW fuck!”

• one hour earlier •

It was a calm October evening. The sun was just making its way under the horizon, and Y/n sighed in satisfaction. Today was an amazing day. She had just gotten the promotion she worked so hard for, and she didn’t encounter any assholes today. She had such a positive outlook that it was nearly impossible for anyone to change it. For today, at least.

She decided to take up a new recipe in her slow cooker— it was a long process but she knew it would be worth the wait with how delicious it looked! A perfect meal before she went to her theatre tonight!

It would be even more perfect with the box of candy she had stashed from last year’s Halloween. Probably stale, but maybe not! She just loves candy, it would take a lot for her to share— but hey! No one decided to be rude today so maybe she would be generous.

She went to the pantry and found the bag stuffed in the corner, and before she could reach and pull it out, there was a thud from her front porch. It was like the neighborhood cat had gotten into one of her plants incidently, and Y/n huffed in irritation. As much as the loved Petey, he couldn’t stop knocking over her chives.

She pulled her hand away from the bag and marched to the front door, yanking it open. Coincidently, not even a spot was left even near her plant collection. The chives remained untouched, the night breeze moving through the pines, and the darkness almost fully-fallen over Haddonfield.

Y/n shook her head with a smile, and went back into her house thoughtfully, swinging the door shut happily. At least her chives weren’t hurt. She didn’t really care for the noise. Maybe a squirrel fell out of a tree— SHE doesn’t know! Who cares?

Well she started to care a little bit when a 6’7 man with a mask on was standing over her slow cooker with obvious hunger in his eyes.

“It’ll be ready in a few minutes.” Y/n said, grabbing a spoon from her utensil box and walking over the the pot. The man turned slowly but surely, over to look at her with eyes that swirled with thoughts. Y/n thought it was peculiar.

He didn’t even move when Y/n opened the pot and the steam billowed out like a fire, into both of their faces.

“Smells so nice,” she mumbled to herself, and the man tried searching her face for anything— anything at all but her face was a blank page. It was like staring into a void.

After she was done working on it, she turned to him, “Oh! I have some c—“ Michael covered her mouth with his large hand, and dragged her away with her brow furrowed like she was confused as she dropped the spoon and tried to reach back for it but it was out of reach. Then she got this incredibly irritated look on her face and she just sighed and glared at the man the entire time as he tied her up harsher than she would have liked.

Michael then was looking around, observing his surroundings and the features of her home when something caught his eye. Who just leaves money lying around? He thinks. He walked into the hallway near the front door where her key tray was, and plucked a crisp twenty out of the ceramic tray.

“Excuse me? Hi, that’s my Birthday money sir.” Michael stuffed it into one of his pockets silently as he walked back into the kitchen.

“Can you please put that back?” She yelled, face turning red in anger as she fought against the ropes at her wrists.

Michael then was drawn back to her chair where he was afraid she would break free, so he tightened them and added some more ropes to her ankles so she wouldn’t stand up. She was kinda tiny anyway, so he wasn’t too worried.

“Well you know how to treat a girl.” She mumbled, breaking the 5-minute long silence and Michael just stood up with the most perplexed look on his face and walked away so he could enjoy her dinner in peace.

“I told you already that’s not done cooking—“ Michael lifted the lid and started eating out of it with the spoon she dropped.

“Um, that was on the fl— okay.”

Michael slurped from the spoon, and a deep rumbling sound of approval was heard from across the room. Y/n sighed, wishing she could have some herself but these ropes were kind of tight.

At the sound he made, he looked up in embarrassment, looking for any look of judgement on her face so he could kill her— but she just stared at the wall stoically.

Michael literally ate almost the entire pot. He ate until he wasn’t hungry anymore, and dropped the spoon in satisfaction. He sighed. That was all he wanted, a nice meal— all the other houses didn’t have good food so he killed them off and went to the next house. This one takes the cake for sure, though.

Another noise came from across the room, it was her. Again. A pang of annoyance rang through Michael, and he looked up, studying her. She was humming something. Wait, what is that.. melody? Is that... Metallica?

Unbelievable. Michael craned his neck for the fourth time that night in awe of the indifference that she showed him this entire night. All he had to do was tie her up and eat and it was literally that simple. No “catch-me-if-you-can” bullshit he gets from the usual victims, no “let-me-slam-my-door-on-your-fucking-foot-and-scream-like-a-banshee” games— she was literally a piece of cake easy and that made this night 10 times better than usual.

Except sometimes she wouldn’t shut up. Michael grunted, something that seemed to swallow Y/n whole— before she spoke up again.

“What else am I supposed to do?” She asked expectantly. Michael just stared at her. That’s when Y/n remembered her birthday money when she saw the twenty sticking out of his pocket.

“Oh yeah— Um, Sir, kill me if you must but that crisp twenty you took from the key tray is mine.”

• Present time •

“OW fuck!” She exclaimed as Michael’s grip drew tighter, a fraction away from ripping it from the roots— and Y/n’s eyes squeezed shut from the pain.

“Okay! I’ll tell you where it is!” Michael’s grip loosened barely to even consider it loosened, and Y/n looked up at him with calculating eyes. These eyes were different from before. They were, sharp. They were sharp as razors, and they seemed to cut right through Michael. It challenged his own gaze. A pleasant tingle washed through him, but it disappated at the sound of her voice.

“If I tell you where it is, you have to bring me back my cigarettes. Deal?” She spoke unwaveringly, staring into his soul, daring him to break the deal. Michael blinked, then nodded.

“Okay good. The cigarrettes are in the drawer right there. The candy is in the pantry in the bag.” She cast a sideways glance to the kitchen, and Michael examined her, trying to read any lies on her face before letting go. She let out a huge sigh, wishing she could rub the crown of her head in relief.

Michael passed the drawer, and went straight for the pantry, almost immediately finding the bag and ripping it open, candy spilling everywhere as he cherry picked his favorites.

He then took the bag, walked over with his eyes locked the entire time with her gaze, and passed the drawer. He then plopped down on the couch and started eating his candy silently.

“What did I fucking expect.” She mumbled quietly to herself, shaking her head at the man who ate her stale Halloween candy without her on the couch, completely contented.

I hope you liked it!! 💕

jena marie

[makeste]

top 20 favorite quirks

okay, but listen, though! it’s exactly what it says in the title. not best quirks, or most useful quirks, or most creative quirks. not even coolest quirks! I did try to take all of these things into consideration when choosing, but honestly? by far the most important factor was, “I JUST THINK THEY’RE NEAT.”

anyway but let me backtrack and post the actual ask.

you’ll note that at no point was I asked to pick twenty of them. I did that all on my own. so here is my list!

20. Solid Air (Tsuburaba)

Tsubaraba Kousei. all-time undefeated grand champion of The Floor Is Lava. or at least he was until Ochako came along. anyway, so this is an extremely nifty quirk with all sorts of utility ranging from defense to helping him get around. it’s super useful for catching bad guys, and apparently the only real limit is his lung capacity. this quirk has so much potential and I love it.

19. Copy (Monoma)

the fact that he can copy his opponents’ powers and use them against them is badass enough, but add in the fact that he can hold up to 3 (or 4??) of them at once -- for as long as ten minutes -- and this quirk starts getting seriously powerful. anyway so one thing you might note as you read on is that although Copy is on my favorite quirks list, AFO is not! and that’s because Monoma’s limits actually make the quirk much more interesting to me, because they force him (and Horikoshi) to get creative. this is a really fun quirk and I would love to see more of Monoma in action. about time we saw him fight some actual villains and not just class 1-A, honestly.

18. Brainwashing (Shinsou)

as with Monoma’s quirk, what really sets this apart from other mind-control superpowers (to me, anyway) is the fact that it has limitations. he can’t just control anyone at random; in order to take them over he has to get them to respond to him somehow. which leads to innovations like the voice-changer, and which as a result has made his battles so genuinely interesting and fun to watch. anyway so I really want Shinsou to hurry up and join 2-A, and for them to just give him his provisional license all “here you go, son” with no testing whatsoever, because we’re past the point of pretending the HPSC is actually responsible these days, and because I really want to see if he can help turn the tides the next time the heroes battle the League.

17. Zero Gravity (Ochako)

I feel like it’s worth noting that I don’t really have any kind of fear of heights or falling or anything like that. and so I can’t really explain why Toga using this quirk on Ms. Curious and her lackeys was hands down one of the most singularly disturbing scenes in the entire manga for me! but it was!! even now I’m wincing just thinking about it. she just lifted them all up and DROPPED THEM and they just FELL and DIED. just like that. holy fucking shit. anyway, so we should all be very grateful that Ochako is super kind and sweet and more inclined towards helping people rather than murdering them. because holy shit. anyways though this quirk is dope.

16. Erasure (Aizawa)

I once said that this quirk was “not very cinematic”, and I don’t think I’ve ever been so wrong about anything in my life. oh, past me. you truly underestimated the dramatic impact of someone with a terrifyingly powerful quirk going in for the kill, only to be all “NANI?!” as they suddenly realize that their powers are no longer working, and the camera pans over to a man with gorgeous floating hair and intense red anime eyes. I owe you an apology, Erasure. you are cinematic AF.

15. Black Hole (Thirteen)

I really wish we got to see Thirteen fight more often. they suffer from the same “too powerful” curse as so many of the other characters and it’s a shame. anyway so Black Hole is cool af and gives me a ton of Miroku/kazaana vibes, which I freaking love. this quirk is lowkey on a Tomura-level of destructive potential, honestly, and yet no one ever talks about it?? Thirteen could literally destroy anything they touched if they wanted to?? imagine if they ever Awakened, you guys. holy shit.

14. Tape (Sero)

this power is so fucking stupid and ridiculous and completely absurd and I LOVE IT. Horikoshi really drew a skinny guy with tape elbows and was all, “so this kid is basically Spider-Man but with tape. I have not put the least bit of logical thought or creative effort into this power beyond that, and I’m not going to, either.” and somehow we all just accepted it. anyway, dubious origins aside, it’s such a versatile ability and Sero has such amazing control over it. it’s offense; it’s defense; he can use it to set traps; he can use it for maneuverability. TAPE ELBOWS CAN DO IT ALL.

13. Outburst (Ms. Joke)

when will it finally be her time. Outburst is one of those powers that sounds super dumb at first, until you really stop and think what the ability to make someone laugh at will could actually DO to people. true uncontrollable belly laughter is a totally incapacitating thing. she’d have people collapsing to the ground and practically seizing up. and good luck using your own quirk to fight back when you’re doubled over struggling to breathe and can’t even see straight because of the tears in your eyes. that’s assuming any of her opponents are even capable of thinking straight long enough to try it. like, this is such a straight up brutal ability and the fact that we have still NEVER SEEN IT is honestly infuriating.

12. Glamour (Camie)

it’s an illusion quirk. of course I have to put it on my list. illusion powers make every battle approximately 100x more entertaining. and what makes this particular power even better is that in any other series, this quirk would have been given to some Tokoyami-esque super serious emo kid. but BnHA went and gave it to Karen from Mean Girls instead. what a fucking power move. goddamn.

11. Black (Kuroiro)

according to BnHA Ultra Analysis, Kuroiro’s Appearing Out of Nowhere skills are rated a 4 out of 6. I still haven’t figured out if this is meant to be a burn on him or not. this kid can ninja in and out of literally any dark object in existence. if it’s nighttime, that means he can basically move wherever he wants to at will. of course he’s skilled at Appearing Out of Nowhere. so tell me then, why is it ONLY a four out of six?? how could he possibly fuck this up?? who was grading him?? DOES HE JUST SUCK. I don’t know, but anyway it’s really funny to me and also I really love this quirk.

10. Transform (Toga)

Toga went and Awakened herself right into the top ten with the reveal that not only can she mimic other people’s appearances, but that while she is transformed, she can actually use their quirks. like excuse me, what?? holy shit??? it is honestly driving me crazy that we’ve only seen this in action once. Transform is basically Plot Twist: The Quirk. I really want to see Toga use it to its full potential and infiltrate U.A. and/or spy on the HPSC and/or murder someone with their loved one’s own quirk. I WANT HER TO GIVE SOMEONE THE MAES HUGHES TREATMENT. I want her to do something so shocking that people ragequit the fucking manga lol. I know I’m always saying the manga isn’t that dark, but this is honestly the one exception where I would freaking love for it to get dark as shit. anyway so yeah. if you want to fuck with people you really couldn’t ask for a better quirk.

9. Creation (Momo)

MACGUYVER: THE QUIRK. an unlimited inventory in the hands of someone brilliant enough to actually utilize it to its full extent. what’s not to love? honestly if it were me with this quirk it would be completely useless. not only would I get hopelessly bored two seconds into trying to memorize an object’s molecular structure or whatever, but even if I DID manage to figure out how to make stuff, I would never know what to do with the stuff, or when to use it. every time a new situation cropped up I would just create a bunch of random objects in a panic. but Momo is so elegant in her problem-solving that she often needs to create only one or two things to come up with the perfect solution for something. basically this is a good quirk that becomes a truly great quirk when placed in the hands of the best possible person in the world to wield it. the quirk is awesome because Momo is awesome, and I fucking adore quirks like that (see: next entry).

8. Permeation (Mirio)

ah, Mirio. the original victim of the “too powerful to be allowed” curse. remember that time he BEAT HALF OF CLASS 1-A IN UNDER SIX SECONDS, you guys.  small wonder Horikoshi couldn’t even make it through one complete villain fight with him before he had to de-quirk the poor kid. anyway, so Mirio makes this quirk look so mind-blowingly awesome that it’s easy to forget what a terrifying and fucked-up power it is in reality. “yeah it makes me blind and deaf and if I’m not careful I’ll fall into the center of the earth or splice myself in two or some shit.” what the actual fuck Mirio. but because he’s worked so hard and because Nighteye trained him so well, he’s mastered the timing to such an insane degree that he could kick Overhaul in the face without harming a single hair on Eri’s body. and honestly, there’s no way I could not love a quirk that gave us a moment like that.

7. Warp Gate (Kurogiri)

unlike SOME OTHER PEOPLE whose names start with Kuro, I would bet you that Kurogiri’s Appearing Out of Nowhere skills are a full six out of six! alas, the top ten of this list is chock full of people whose quirks are so badass that they had to be written out of the story one way or another. with Kuro at large there was technically nothing stopping the villains from just dropping in on U.A. one night to kill All Might, or rekidnap Bakugou, or whatever else they might want to do. and that’s actually a really scary thought though lol so it’s no wonder that Horikoshi was all, “yeah I’ll just have them capture him now.” anyways do you guys remember that one time in chapter 18 when Kuro used Warp Gate to create an endless loop of All Might suplexing Noumu suplexing All Might?? fucking quirks, though. wild.

6. Fiber Master (Best Jeanist)

another badass quirk, another badass quirk-user incapacitated and taken out of the story before their time. Best Jeanist is honestly terrifying. if he wanted to he could immobilize and even strangle and kill pretty much anyone in the world, whenever he fucking felt like it. that alone would be crazy enough, but then add to that that this quirk for all intents and purposes is basically telekinesis. as long as someone is wearing clothing he can move them around however he wants, as we saw in Kamino. basically, everything Hawks can do with Fierce Wings, Jeanist can probably do with his own quirk. AND THAT INCLUDES FLYING, YOU GUYS. the more I think about it the more I think we truly were robbed. I need Jeanist to come back already and fly everyone at Jakku to safety and tie Tomura to a chair with his own cape before proceeding to style his hair.

5. Rewind (Eri)

IT’S MY LIST!! I CAN PUT WHATEVER I WANT, AND IF YOU SAY I CAN’T, I’M TELLING MOM. okay but listen. everyone always rags on this quirk and how stupidly powerful it is, and look, I get it. but isn’t it kind of interesting that everyone is also always speculating over who Eri is eventually going to heal with her quirk? like, fandom is always complaining about how broken it is but at the same time they’re out here hatching all of these wild theories that center around it. and to me that indicates that in truth, this is actually an awesome quirk -- just so long as it’s used right. obviously there have to be some major limitations or else this is just “Fix Everything: The Quirk.” thankfully, Horikoshi did limit it! it’s super dangerous, she has trouble controlling it, and most importantly, it’s ridiculously slow to recharge and so she can only use it once every few months. it’s basically Recovery Girl’s quirk with a bonus slow-replenishing stamina bar that, once charged, allows her to release one ultra-powerful SUPER HEAL special move. and that’s pretty awesome. basically I think this quirk gets too much hate and not enough credit for the additional menu options it adds to the story. it’s interesting and compelling and I can’t wait to see what Horikoshi does with it.

4. Dark Shadow (Tokoyami)

TOKOYAMI WHY IS YOUR QUIRK SENTIENT. Existential Crisis: The Quirk. do quirks have souls?? if you shot Tokoyami with a quirk-be-gone bullet would Dark Shadow fucking die??? if Tomura absorbed Tokoyami’s quirk would Dark Shadow grow out of his back and be all “hey um, who the fuck are you”?? and would Toko’s head turn back into a normal human boy head?? would Dark Shadow look like Tomura instead of a bird shadow?? what even IS Dark Shadow, actually?? obviously it is not just a shadow because shadows can’t punch people or shield people from attacks or pick people up and fly them around. but yet he’s afraid of fire and grows weaker in daylight?? is Tokoyami secretly the strongest character in the entire series?? is there any way I can possibly justify putting this quirk all the way down at #4 instead of #1 where it clearly belongs?? let me answer that question by not answering it and moving on.

3. Explosion (Bakugou)

is the fix in?? is “exploding hands” really a better quirk than a fucking sentient monster man who lives in your belly button and reads your mind and is made of ~darkness energy~ and is your best friend? apparently the answer is yes! to both of those questions. yes the fix is in. I love Kacchan and his quirk is fucking awesome okay. it just never ceases to amaze me how this one single quirk, which really only does one thing, is nonetheless so spectacularly powerful that it allows Bakugou to compete on the same level as the fucking protagonist with all of his godlike super-strength and Main Character Powers and wacky SIXQUIRKS!! shenanigans. in my opinion the coolest thing about Explosion isn’t even its firepower; it’s the way Bakugou’s adapted it to fly around and to boost his speed. I think he legit may be the fastest character in the series right now, or close to it. he’s faster than Iida and Gran Torino and Endeavor. he can keep up with Deku without breaking a sweat. and he knows how to use that speed, thanks to his insane reflexes. add in the fact that this is also without a doubt the most cinematic quirk in the entire series, and I think I’m justified in putting it this high up. and anyway I still put two others up above it so shh.

2. Search (Ragdoll/Tomura)

Hey, What’s That Guy’s Deal: The Quirk. I just really love this one you guys. it’s so fucking useful. Video Game HUD: The Quirk. one hundred people at a time?? locations and weak points?? works even when you’re not looking at the person anymore and have blinked your eyes, unlike CERTAIN OTHER PEOPLE’S weak-ass quirks?? check, check, and check. is it any wonder AFO wanted this? plus it just looks so damn cool. the visual representation of everyone as little stars on a map. Turn On Location: The Quirk. okay look I feel like I’m doing a bad job of explaining why I have this quirk all the way up at number two. it just has this subtle badassness to it, and its introduction after almost two hundred chapters of buildup was just so fucking cool. maybe it’s recency bias?? I don’t even know; all I know is that I love this quirk and want to see more of it in action.

1. Blackwhip (Lariat/Deku)

listen, I was obsessed with this quirk back when it was called “Venom” and was by far the absolute coolest part of the 1990s Spider-Man cartoon series. I’m not just going to suddenly not be obsessed with it just because fandom is mad that Horikoshi gave Deku an additional power beyond just Smashing Stuff. Blackwhip is hands down the coolest quirk, guys. I’m sorry, it just is. it has the coolest name. it had the coolest entrance. it does basically anything you could ever want a quirk to do in battle. it grabs stuff. it Bloops. what more do you want. you’re all just jealous because you wish that you could Bloop too. I know I am. I wish I had a Bloop. anyway so yeah, Blackwhip is the upgrade to Deku’s fighting style that we desperately needed after 200+ chapters of Delaware Smashes and Broken Bones. all his fights are cooler now. he can save more people! he can fight without instantly dying! plus you just gotta love powers that occasionally explode out of control if their user gets all emotional and pissed off about the fact that you insulted his boyfriend. so yeah. Blackwhip at number one! on this list of favorite quirks. not best quirks!! jesus christ. please don’t kill me I have a family.

 so that’s my list! all 3000 words of it. how does this keep happening.

[artificialac1d]

aswhoa there big ol spirit phone post whoaaaaa. (I WAS ORIGINALLY DOING ALL OF THE ALBUMS BUT THAT WOULD BE TOO LONG SO I’LL DO INDIVIDUAL POSTS FOR THE ALBUMS) (NOT INCLUDING MASHUPS SORRY :[)

alright lets go sorry if theres spelling mistakes i am tired and my keyboard hates me ;[ spirit phone - ok so VERY COOL the first half i feel is supernatural and the second half is more like.... a comment on capitalism?? yeah,, idk either thats what most people say lol. thanks neil!! lifetime achievement award (ebiccc). very long (ab 6 minutes) BUT the length is worth it!! the lyrics are jammin not to mention the instrumental!! the singing is very chefs kiss let alone the effects on the singing!! very cool song. touch tone telephone!! (ttt) so ttt is VERY jammin but its a little overrated. I GET WHY, but it is definitely not the best song made by lemon demon. well i guess thats mostly up to interpretation, but its not the best. the message is cool!!! conspiracy theorist going fucking batshit crazy?? hell yeah!!  cabinet man (😳) how the fuc did this man get in cabinet???? hfgbrfj.. ANYWAYS the beep boop instrumental is one of THE BEST on the album next to the very epic instrumental of as your father i expressly forbid it. anyways, the lyrics and beat are v nice v satisfying!! i love singing this song like, only third to as your father and soft fuzzy man!! singing is hard :[ no eyed girl (where are her eyes???) neil is a monster/alien fucker and you cannot change my mind. no eyed girl is one of my favorite songs!! i mean all of the lemon demon songs are one of my favorite songs but... um,, ANYWAYS. imagine being some guy who just like, made the world get destroyed bc you were horny over an alien. when he died (holy fuck what is up with this dude) the amount of mysteries that are brought up in thius song is AMAZING. when i listen to lemon demon on alexa the only albums i have access to are nature tapes and spirit phone (because i use spotify and not apple music) and i hear this all the time!! its ALWAYS a good time very bangin very jammin 20/10 sweet bod (aha 😳 what do you mean im eating a dead body) neil?? are you sure it isnt sexual??? super synthy and cool!! the funk never ends!!! funky town!! never go down!! (im sorry) the idea of drinking dead bodies to cure cancer though not very cash money. wowie zowie capitalism!! the lyrics make me uncomfortable if im listening to it with someone else BUT if im alone i will  scream sing this song eighth wonder!! (goofy mongoose ends humanity) i heard like in the commentary that neil was proud of this song and honestly, i dont blame him. VERY jammin. i keep saying jammin but i dont have synonyms. i havent read that news article about gef but i should sometime!! the way the song just is is just mwah  ancient aliens!! (caveman go aaaaa) i dont have much to say about this one because it isnt my favorite. NOT because it doesnt jam hard but its just not as good as other ones. man i am mostly just praising neil. this is fun to sing!! instrumental is VERY cool bery epic,,, soft fuzzy man (hhhottie 😳) this is my FAVORITEEEEE i can say SO much about this song on how it JAMS. the little beep boop after the first part is GREAT I LOVE IT. the chorus lives rent free in my brain. singing this is the best source of serotonin !!! ahhh the lyrics and the message!! very cool!! i love that neil made this song as a comment on dudes who think being mysterious is cool (yucfky ew) one lyric taken out of context makes me feel weird but like idk i just link it with something not great (once you go hazy you’ll understand i’m your soft fuzzy man sounds like he roofied someone) BUT i can ignore that because that wasnt the intention of the lyric!! very ebic songgg. as your father i expressly forbid it!! (neils my dad???) whoa,, neil scrEAM,,,, honestly i cant stop thinking of neil’s daughter while listening to this (sorry) but umm THE INSTRUMENTAL IS THE B EST!! the little beeop boop>?>?? YES i love it sorry about like not being able to get ideas across my brain is old computer stalling noise rn i earn my life (he damn earned it) this is my moms favorite!! (yeah she likes it too surprisingly!!) this song is really nice,, verry cool little instrumental bits!! awesome!! singing it is a 10/10 experience!!! reaganomics!! (baby, baby. YEAHHHHHH)  whoa!!! ronald reagan?? and he wants to take you for a ride?? anyways, whoa!! instrumental!! i can tell that neil puts a lot of effort into his songs because ALL of the main tracks are bangers.  man-made object (shit i caught insomnia from looking at the moon😔) SO big ol giant tower towering over everything!!! i kinda have a bad experience with this song because when i drew fanart for it my friend misconstrued the tie i drew with... a sexual organ. (hes fucked up) does NOT mean the song is bad but i get reminded of that whenever i listen to it. very COOL SONG!! YES!! build that giant skyscraper girl you go spiral of ants (im im caught in the spiral of ants girl) whoa last song... ON THE MAIN TRACK AHAHA!! just kidding i cant do the bonus tracks. ANYWAYS whoa!! a tornado of ants? count me in! the lyrics are very epic!! and fun to sing except for the AND WE BECAME A HURRICANE because its a high note and i suck at high notes 😔i did it once but i cant anymore 😔😔this sounds very nice i love it!!  if you read this all the way,, fucking,,,, thANKS because this is hella long im sorry i hope you liked my opinions bye!! <3 i’ll be doing more album stuff in the future (possibly even tonight because i have nothing to do with my life.

[hotforharrison]

The 5 Misadventures of Jessica Drew (+1 Adventure)

Check out my Masterlist here!

Pairing: Tom Holland/Reader

Summary: When you meet Tom Holland, you have the worst luck on what’s supposed to be your best day ever.

Word Count: 3,042

Warnings: Smut and language

A/N: This is for the @unholyhaz and @spidey-waffles11 Milestone Celebration Writing Challenge! My prompt was “Stop laughing at me!”

Misadventure #1: Slice of Life

It was starting to sink in that you were about to meet Tom Holland for the first time, and you had no idea what you were going to say or do. Most likely act like a lovestruck idiot, but he was probably used to that.

You were wearing your Spider-woman cosplay for the event, and it definitely accentuated your best assets. There was no shame in wanting to look good for your biggest crush.

When you finally approached him, you nervously handed your photo to him to get your autograph.

“It’s the lovely Jessica Drew!”

You were a bit surprised he knew the identity behind your Spider-woman cosplay.

“And the even lovelier Peter Parker!” And god, was he ever lovely. The videos you’d seen did not do the man justice.

“The British Peter Parker and American Jessica Drew,” he mused.

“But you’re a whole lot better at faking it than I am,” you commented.

He chuckled. “I’m sure you’re not that bad.”

“I can assure you that I’m bloody rubbish at it, darling,” you couldn’t help but say in your best, but you knew still godawful, British accent.

You hadn’t really planned on embarrassing yourself, but this whole thing wasn’t going exactly how you’d envisioned it.

He laughed brightly, though, and that was worth it. You could watch and listen to him laugh all day.

“Maybe you are, but I’m sure you have other talents,” he teased.

“I might have some hidden up my sleeve,” you commented, mysteriously.

You watched as he made eye contact with you with those gorgeous brown eyes, your heart thumping faster in your chest. He flipped the photo over to quickly write something down on the back before he handed it back to you.

“Shit!” You hissed as the photo sliced into your thumb.

“Are you alright?” he asked.

“Just a papercut. I’ll survive! Anyway, thanks!” you told him.

“Any time, darling,” he said, smiling at you.

You smiled back and walked away. He even called you ‘darling.’ You were on cloud nine, and very curious what he’d written on the back.

You took a deep breath and flipped it over to find a hotel name, room number and 8pm.

Was he propositioning you? Why else would someone invite you to a hotel room in the evening?

There had to be other possibilities that weren’t just you being overly optimistic, right?

You weren’t sure what to think.

Misadventure #2: Lovestruck

You immediately headed back to your own hotel room to change into something that wasn’t your Spider-woman cosplay.

After contemplating your sadly limited options, you decided on a floral blouse and a pair of leggings. You wanted something cute, but casual.

Erring on the side of optimistic caution, you stopped by a pharmacy to grab a box of condoms to put in your handbag.

No matter how much you wanted him, and that was most definitely a lot, you didn’t want to leave with anything that you hadn’t come with.

Then, you headed to his hotel so you’d arrive about 10 minutes early. You made your way slowly down the halls to the room number he’d given you and waited outside the door.

After your phone reached 8:00, you nervously knocked and waited, bouncing on the balls of your feet. You knocked again a few minutes later. No answer.

You played on your phone for a while, taking up some time. Maybe he’d been in the shower and hadn’t heard you.

With one last knock when it hit 8:30, you sighed and walked toward the elevators, shoulders slumped and feeling down.

It was apparently too good to be true.

When you were about to turn the corner, someone ran into you and knocked you to the floor, pain blossoming across your cheek.

“Fuckin’ hell, I’m so sorry,” you heard a male British accent tell you, and it couldn’t be?

You looked up, and it was Tom. You hadn’t been stood up.

“Jessica Drew!” he said in recognition until he saw the bruise blooming on your cheek. “Oh my god, I just assaulted you. Shit, are you alright?”

You fell into a fit of giggles at how ridiculous this was.

“Stop laughing at me!” he complained, but started laughing himself.

“Don’t worry, I’m fine,” you eventually told him.

“I was running late, and I was in a rush to get back here to see you before you left thinking I was a dick,” he explained.

“That’s really sweet of you,” you said. “You caught me just in time. I was about to leave.”

“Let me go grab you some ice, and we can head back to my room,” he suggested.

Misadventure #3: I’ve Got My Eye On You

You waited inside Tom’s room while he went to get you some ice for your cheek, going to the bathroom to check your face in the mirror.

It was definitely going to bruise, but you honestly didn’t mind. Spending time with him was entirely worth a bruise.

The door opened, and Tom returned, coming into the bathroom to grab a washcloth to wrap the ice in. He handed it to you.

You placed it against your cheek, hissing at the soreness of the contact and cold.

“I’m so sorry, darling,” he told you, guilt apparent across his face.

“I’m okay,” you reassured him.

“Let me show you a good time to make up for it?” he asked.

Your heart started pounding in your chest. You swallowed. “What did you have in mind?”

“I invited you to my hotel room. What do you think?” he teased, eyes glinting mischievously.

“I don’t know. Maybe some Bible study?” you joked.

“Well, I’m definitely hoping to hear at least a few ‘oh god’s by the time tonight’s over.” He ran a finger down your arm, leaving goosebumps in its trail.

You gasped. So, he was propositioning you. That was something you could definitely get on board with. A bruise and a papercut were so worth this.

He took the ice from your hand and placed it on the vanity. “Is it alright if I kiss you, sweetheart?”

You nodded, probably too eagerly, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care. Tom fucking Holland wanted to kiss you.

“Come on,” he said, taking you by the hand to lead you to sit on the edge of the bed with him.

You turned to look at his handsome face, your eyes meeting his. Instead of waiting for him to close the gap, you kissed him, shutting your eyes when your lips pressed together.

From there, he took the lead.

His tongue made its way past your parted lips and ran across your teeth. You let him in and brushed your tongue against his, exploring each other’s mouths.

The kiss turned from unhurried to heated rather quickly, one of his hands cupping your breast through your top while the other slipped under the hem of your top to brush against the bare small of your back.

You moved down onto your knees in front of him, pushing his legs apart to make space for you between them. You popped the button on his pants and pulled down the zipper, eagerly freeing his erection from the confines of his boxers. 

He was slightly above average in size with a nice curve that you already knew would hit your g-spot just right when he fucked you. And god, he was going to fuck you. Maybe even more than once. Your life was awesome. 

You wrapped your hand around the base and took the head in your mouth, swirling your tongue around it. His precum was bitter on your tongue, but you didn’t mind. You took him as deep as you could, gagging slightly. 

He moaned when you did that. You took his hand and put it on the back of your head. 

"Want me to fuck your mouth, love?" he asked. 

You nodded vigorously. 

"Whatever the lady wants," he agreed. 

You let go of his dick with your hand and let him take over.

He tangled his fingers in your hair and started tentatively thrusting into your mouth, gradually going deeper and faster.

You noticed he seemed to enjoy it the most when you gagged slightly, so you encouraged him to do that, to take what he wanted.

It wasn't long before he pulled out of your mouth and began cumming on your face in spurts, while you watched his face as he climaxed, rapt. You’d always wanted to see him fall apart like that, and it didn’t disappoint.

You realized too late that you'd made a mistake. His cum got in your eye, and dammit, that burned. Involuntary tears streamed down your face at the sting. 

"Are you alright?" he asked, after he glanced down at you, concern apparent across his face. "Did I accidentally touch your cheek?" 

"No, just got cum in my eye. I should have closed them, but I wanted to watch you," you admitted.

"Oh, darling," he said, pulling you into a hug. "You're not having the best luck today, are you?" 

"Well, I am here with you. I assure you that's entirely worth the little mishaps." 

He chuckled. "Let me take care of you now and make it even better."

Misadventure #4: A Breath of Fresh Air

Tom retrieved a damp washcloth from the bathroom and gently wiped your face clean while you sat on the edge of the bed again, careful with your cheek.

“There, that’s better,” he said after he was finished. 

“Can I take these off?” he asked, playing with the hem of your top.

“Definitely,” you replied.

He undressed you unhurriedly, fingers brushing teasingly against the newly bare skin.

When you were finally naked, he quickly took off his own clothes, not making a show of it. 

You were glad because you wanted him badly, and you weren’t in the mood to wait.

“Now, lie down, and I’ll make you feel good,” he told you.

You didn’t have to be told twice, lying down at the top of the bed. He joined you.

His lips were soon back on yours while he palmed one of your breasts, toying with your already hardened nipple.

The feeling went straight to your core, and you rubbed your thighs together automatically.

You broke the kiss. “Please,” you begged against his lips.

“Do you want my mouth or my hand first?” he asked quietly.

“Would you talk dirty to me if I picked your hand?” you requested.

“I can do that,” he agreed.

You spread your legs while his hand slid down your stomach to brush over your mons. His fingers slipped between your folds, and you whimpered.

“Eager, aren’t we?” he commented. “You’re fucking soaked, too. Did sucking me off really turn you on that much?”

“Yeah,” you confirmed. “I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but you’re extremely hot.”

He chuckled. “I might have been told that a time or two, yeah. You’re still talking in complete sentences, though. We definitely can’t have that.”

You moaned when he pushed two fingers inside you while his thumb found your clit, rubbing slow circles around it while he moved his fingers in and out.

“Nice and tight for me, too. You’re going to feel like heaven around my dick. I’ll fuck you into the mattress, until you forget everything but my name. Would you like that, love?”

“Yeah,” you told him, a bit breathlessly. “Please.”

“Nope, you don’t get my dick until you cum for me first.”

“Can you faster?” you whined.

“You’ll take what I give you,” he said, but his thumb sped up a bit regardless, and he pressed a third finger into you.

His fingers curved up to brush against your g-spot every few thrusts, and it felt amazing. No one had ever made you feel this good before, and he was just using his hand to pleasure you. You hadn’t even had his mouth or his dick yet.

“God, Tom,” you moaned, grabbing his free hand and interlacing your fingers with his.

“Love the way you say my name, sweetheart, “ he commented. “Are you going to cum on my fingers?”

“Almost there, Tom,” you said, wanting to please him.

Your orgasm hit you, and it was intense. You called out his name repeatedly.

He fucked you roughly with his fingers, and the worst possible thing you could think of at the moment happened. You farted, loudly and unmistakably.

You immediately let go of his hand and covered your face with both of your hands. Your hand pressed against your wounded cheek, making you cry out in pain.

You could tell he tried to suppress it, but he started laughing and couldn’t seem to stop.

“I’m so sorry,” you groaned, hiding your face still. “I can leave if you want me to.”

“I don’t want you to go anywhere. Really, don’t worry about it. It happens,” he eventually said after he calmed down.

“I’m so embarrassed,” you told him.

He moved your hands away from your face and kissed you lightly.

“You still want to keep going?” you asked.

“Only if you do,” he responded.

“Yeah, I do,” you said.

You were pretty sure you’d regret it for the rest of your life if you didn’t actually have sex with him, bad luck be damned.

Misadventure #5: Ride ‘Em Cowgirl

“I’ll be right back.” You went over to your purse to grab a strip of condoms.

“I think you have more faith in my stamina than I do,” he said, chuckling.

“Just being prepared in case.” You tore one off the strip and rolled it down his erection. “Can I ride you?”

He nodded. “Be my guest.”

You climbed on top of him and positioned him against your entrance, then slowly sank down until your bodies were flush. You paused to adjust. “God, Tom, you’re so big inside me.”

“You’re fucking tight and hot. I can tell you’re wet, too. Wish I could feel it,” he commented.

“With the luck I’m having today, we’d somehow both end up with gonoherpasyphilaids, and a baby in 9 months.” You were only half-joking.

He laughed. “I wasn’t suggesting barebacking. It’s important to be safe.”

You started moving your hips up and down unhurriedly, enjoying the feeling of him brushing your g-spot as you moved.

After letting you set the pace for a while, he started thrusting up into you faster, grabbing your hips to pull you down harder.

You head dropped back as you loudly moaned, meeting his thrusts.

“God, I’m getting close,” you told him.

His fingers moved up to find your clit, collecting some of your wetness before rubbing it with a single fingertip, fucking you faster and harder.

You quickly climaxed again, all uninterrupted pleasure this time, toes curling and nails digging into his skin. It was everything you’d hoped the first orgasm you’d had with him would be.

“Stop, too much,” you told him after you came down, and he stilled.

“Can we try reverse cowgirl now?” he asked, breathing a bit hard.

“Yeah,” you agreed.

You started to crawl around to face away from him and fell off the bed instead, your side thudding very painfully on the hard floor.

“Fuck, are you alright?” he asked.

“This is the worst best day ever,” you groaned into the floor.

He climbed down next to you and helped you to your feet again. 

You hissed in pain, tears dripping down your cheeks, when he grabbed your left wrist.

“Let me see,” he said, looking at your wrist. “I hate to tell you this, darling, but I think it’s broken. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

You sighed, sniffling. “Not really, but do I have much of a choice?”

“No,” he told you. “I’m going to have to insist. I couldn’t in good conscience let you leave without making sure you get it looked at.”

“If you’re not busy, can I have a do over at some point tomorrow? The fucking me into the mattress thing? I want that.”

“Absolutely,” he agreed. “I don’t want you to remember me as the worst sex you’ve ever had.”

Adventure #1: A Do-Over

The hospital wasn’t fun, but Tom remained by your side the entire time, and was even sweeter than you’d imagined him being.

Now, it was time for your do-over.

Your wrist, in its new cast, was carefully placed above your head out of immediate reach as Tom positioned himself on top of you, at the center of the bed where you were unlikely to fall off.

He positioned himself at your entrance and pushed in slowly until he bottomed out, eyes focused on your face.

“Feeling alright?” he asked.

“I’m good,” you replied, “but I’d be better if you moved.”

His thrusts went from slow and gentle to quick and rough in increments, fueled by the noises you were making and desperate pleas.

“I’m so close.” You reached your free hand down between your bodies to get yourself the rest of the way there. He moved it away and used his own fingers to rub your clit in small circles to the pace of his thrusts.

“Tom, I’m going to-” Your climax hit you hard, pleasure coursing through your entire body from head to toes. You cried out his name between moans.

He plowed into you, chasing his own orgasm. With a last few erratic thrusts, he spilled into the condom, your name on his lips.

Once you had both come down from your highs, he carefully withdrew and walked over to the bathroom to get rid of the condom.

“Do you cuddle?” you asked hopefully as he returned.

“I love to cuddle,” he said, lying back down and tugging you close to him, careful of your arm.

“Thank you for the do-over,” you told him. “That was what I’d been hoping for.”

“You know, I still haven’t eaten you out,” he pointed out. “I wouldn’t want to deny you the full experience.”

“Do we have time?” you asked.

“I don’t fly out until tomorrow night,” he replied. “We have plenty of time for me to see how much I can make you cum in 36 hours.”

You grinned. “Sounds like a plan.”

Tag list: @adayasgeorgia @moorehollandplz @thollandss @dasexydevitt13 @imagine-lovebug @relise-thefury @strang-ersclub @hollandisapuppy @goldenpeaxh

[miwromantics]

Tattooing Ryan (part 2 soon)

It was a hot summer day in Seattle, but you didn’t mind the heat at all. It was just another day to you, as a tattooer in a popular shop in downtown Seattle, every day was pretty much the same other than working on different pieces. But today was going to be exciting for you. You had an appointment with this guy, Ryan, who was a guitar player in a metal band. Even though your appearance may lead on that you love metal music, you actually weren’t into it. But nonetheless, you were pumped to meet Ryan. His band, Motionless In White, was on tour for the summer and was coming through Seattle for a few days. He had sent you a DM on Instagram a few weeks prior asking if you could squeeze an appointment in and you agreed to it. And a few days after that began the small talk and slightly flirtatious comments. But as a woman tattooer, you were used to people flirting with you and didn’t read much into it. But as it got closer to the appointment, you were getting nervously excited to meet him.

You got ready to head to the shop, throwing on a classic ‘you’ outfit to show off your tattooed body: black ripped high shorts, a white crop top, and your high top Vans. With your blonde hair falling down to your waist, you popped on some eyeliner and red lipstick and stared yourself in the mirror. You smiled and thought to yourself how you normally don’t care about how your appearance, but you wanted to make a good first impression for Ryan.

You grabbed your car keys and headed out of your apartment. As you started driving, your phone vibrates: an Instagram notification from Ryan.

“Hey gorg, still good for our appointment today?” it read.

You smiled and bit your lip. “See ya soon!” you replied.

You thought about flirting back, but opted to keep it chill.

As you pulled up to your favorite coffee shop that was on the way to work, you felt your phone vibrate again. It was another Instagram notification and your face lit up. As you unlocked your phone, you saw it wasn’t from Ryan, but just another inquiry about getting tattooed by you. Slightly bummed, you put your phone away and grabbed your coffee.

You and a few other tattooers arrived at the shop just in time for opening. A few people were already waiting for their appointments, so you helped them with paperwork while their artists set up their stations. You sipped your coffee and waited for Ryan to show up. As you sat behind the desk with your feet propped up on the ledge, you took the time to reply back to emails and DMs. You heard the doors open, making you sit up quickly, to see Ryan walk in the doors. He had dark sunglasses on, his hair was slicked back, and wore all black.

“Well look who it is,” you said, standing up from behind the desk and walking over to him.

He smiled and took his sunglasses off.

“Y/N! It’s good to finally meet you,” he said as he wrapped you in a hug.

You chuckled and took a breath in, you couldn’t help but notice how good he smelled.

“How’s everything been? How’s the tour going?” you asked as you both pulled away from the hug.

“It’s been going really well! We’ve got a few more shows left, but it feels like we just got it started,” he said with a huge smile on his face, “I’m glad we have a day off today and a show tomorrow.”

“Hell yeah, that’s awesome! Where are you playing tomorrow?” you asked.

“It’s at The Showbox!” he answered. “But hey, if you do a good job with this tattoo, I can get you on guest list,” he winked at you.

You laugh and playfully rolled your eyes.

“Well let’s get this started, shall we?” you said as you motioned to the back of the shop.

He followed behind you as you lead the way to your room. The sound of other tattoo machines were buzzing in the air. When you got to your room, you patted on the chair for him to sit.

“Okay so what are we doing today? You didn’t mention anything specific when you hit me up,” you asked.

He sat on the chair and laced his fingers together.

“Well, I was thinking that you could surprise me. Do whatever kind of piece you want,” he said with a smile, “but keep it black and gray!”

“Ooo anything I want, huh?” you said with a sly smile. You could feel your cheeks start to blush.

“Alright, not anything! I don’t want to walk out of here with a huge penis tattoo,” he laughed.

You laugh and shook your head. You reached for your notepad and began sketching. You could feel him watching you. The room was silent as you drew. After about 10 minutes, you flipped your notepad around to show Ryan what you worked up. You held the notepad to your face and let your eyes over the top. You drew a traditional style bat head, with its flesh peeling away.

“That’s fucking sick, Y/N! I can’t believe you drew that so quickly!” Ryan said, a bit shocked.

You flipped the notepad around and looked at it again.

“Thanks Ryan! Alright, let me go make the stencil, I’ll be right back.”

As you walked out of the room, you couldn’t help yourself by looking at him one more time. He caught your glance and smiled at you. It only took a few minutes to make the stencil and when you walked back to your room, Ryan was standing in the doorway.

“This is a cool shop, I can’t believe I haven’t been here before.”

“Your loss!” you joked. “Alright, so where do you want this little bat guy?”

He chuckled. You were enjoying flirting with him.

“I’m thinking this would look good on my knee cap,” he said.

“Whoa, we got a tough guy in today. You sure?” you asked.

“Hey I’m tough! Let’s do it!” he joked back at you.

“Listen Ryan, just so you know, I don’t allow crying in here. No matter how bad the pain I’m inflicting is,” you said as you winked at him.

He let out a sigh as a smirk formed on his face.

You grabbed the stencil and got down on your knees in front of him. With a steady hand, you placed the stencil on his knee. Peeling it off, you leaned back and looked at it. You looked up at him, only to see him already staring at you.

“First try! Take a look at it,” you said as you stood up.

He bit his lip, trying to hide a smile that was too obvious to hide. He walked over to the full-length mirror and checked out the stencil.

“Looks badass, Y/N. Let’s get this started,” he said.

You motioned to the chair, and pulled up your station. He sat down and watched you pour the ink into little cups. You dipped the needle in the black ink and hit the footswitch, causing it to buzz.

“You ready?” you asked.

He shook his head.

You started off with a few small lines so he could feel how the next few hours were going to be. You could see his body tense up a little bit, followed by a small sigh.

“You good Ryan?” you asked.

“Yeah, you weren’t kidding about the pain. Knee caps are rough,” he answered you.

“Well let’s talk about something else,” you suggested, “just let me know if you need to take a break.

Ryan leaned back into the chair with his arms draped over his head. You could see him taking in deep breaths. To take his mind off the pain, you guys began talking about easy things like the weather in Seattle, and cool things to do in the city. The conversation slowly brought up more deep topics like touring and hobbies. And even though you had only officially met him an hour ago, you felt like you’ve know him for years. One hour into the tattoo, the outline was finally done. You wiped away the ink with a wet paper towel. Ryan leaned forward to check it out.

“That’s killer, Y/N. You’re very talented,” he said as he stared at the tattoo.

“Oh just wait till it’s finished,” you said as you looked at him.

He locked eyes with you, and brushed your hair back behind your ear. Instantly, you could feel your cheeks get warm.

“Lean back, Ryan, still got more to do,” you said as you tried to hide your blushing face.

He chuckled and leaned back into the chair.

As you began shading the bat, he started breathing heavier. The buzzing of the machine helped mask the sounds of his exhales, but they kept getting deeper. And even though you knew he was in pain, you couldn’t help but think about how attractive he was.

“Hey can I ask you a question?” he mumbled in between breaths.

“Yeah go for it,” you answered.

“Have you heard of my band before? Did you know who I was when I first messaged you?”

You stopped the machine and looked at him. He picked his head up and looked back at you.

“First of all, Ryan, that’s two questions,” you said with a smile. You started your machine again. “I actually don’t know your band, I’m not really into heavy music. So with that, I didn’t know that you were some famous rock star,” you joked.

You looked back at him, to find him staring at the ceiling with a smile on his face.

“Sorry if that wasn’t what you wanted to hear,” you said after a few moments of silence.

“Quite the opposite actually,” he said quickly, “it’s nice meeting someone who has no idea who you are.”

You stopped your tattoo machine to wipe away the ink. You stayed quiet after he said that; you were a little taken back. This was the most forward thing he said to you yet and it made you question his seriousness of all the flirting. You looked back at him and he was looking right your way.

“I know I’ve only known you for a few weeks now, and have only met you a few hours ago but I really like you, Y/N,” he paused; “wow, I sound crazy right now..” he trailed off.

“I think it’s all done, wanna check it out?” you tried to change the subject.

“I’m sorry if I freaked you out, I’m normally not this forward,” he pressed on.

You pushed your chair back and stood up.

“I really like you too Ryan. I’ve never flirted with clients before, but I couldn’t resist. There’s just something about you that..” you said as you locked eyes with him.

He stood up from the chair to take a step towards you, but since his knee was quite swollen from getting tattooed for three hours, he nearly stumbled into your arms.

“Jesus!” you said as you try to catch him.

He laughed uncontrollably and you were quick to join in.

“Holy shit I totally forgot how much pain I’m in,” he laughed as he caught himself.

You grabbed his shoulder and he looked at you, still having a huge smile on his face from slight embarrassment. All you could think about at that moment was kissing him.

He hobbled over to the mirror to look at the new tattoo you just gave him.

“Y/N this is insane!” he gasped. You stood behind him, watching him check out his art with a smile on your face.

He turned around and reached his arms out for a hug. You threw your arms over his shoulders while his arms wrapped around your waist. As you pulled away from him, he paused by your face and you quickly gave him a kiss on the cheek. You held his face with one hand and put your mouth by his ear.  

“Oh c’mon Ryan, you really think I’m gonna kiss you on the first date?” you whispered before biting his ear lobe lightly.

His hands gripped your waist and it made you giggle.

You walked over to your station and started cutting pieces of clear wrapping to cover his tattoo. He hobbled back to the chair and waited for you to clean and wrap it.

“So, are you busy tomorrow? Would you actually want to come to the show?” Ryan asked while you finished up.

“Yeah I’ll come check it out,” you said.

He smiled and shook his head.

“Well contrary to popular belief, Mr. Sitkowski, you are not my only client today,” you joked.

“Oh I get it, you’re gonna tease me and then kick me out. I see the games you’re playing!” he joked back.

He stood up and started to walk out of the room, you followed shortly behind him. As you both got to the front of the shop, you saw your next client sitting on one of the couches. You gave them a small wave and Ryan turned around to look at you. You reached out and wrapped your arms around him one last time. You loved how his arms felt around your waist.

“Thanks again for the dope tattoo,” he said as he kissed the top of your head, “see you tomorrow, Y/N.”

He put his sunglasses on, smiled at you and walked out the door. And at that moment you realized that this was the first time you couldn’t wait to go to a metal show.

[latin-dr-robotnik]

Sonic Movie thoughts (spoilers)

So, after spending some days thinking and writing, I finally finished up rounding up all of my Sonic Movie thoughts. Most of these are lifted from my Spanish-written reviews, both with spoilers and without spoilers, so this is something that I've been cooking for a while now.

First of all, I’m sooooo surprised by this movie! I mean, when I stepped into the theater I expected a 6.5/10 to 7/10 movie, but after watching it I consider it to be a solid 8/10. It was a 9/10 in some moments, but there were some nitpicks of mine that hurt that score. Jim Carrey was a 10/10 through and through, of course.

Another thing that I really loved was how the secondary cast was easily capable of keeping the fun factor up in between Sonic-Tom-Robotnik action sequences. Agent Stone was always a personal highlight (he’s so nice and chill, I want him to wake me up each morning), but characters like Wade, Carl and specially Rachel were just too much fun for what I originally expected to be just throwaway characters. Rachel in particular I felt like she carried the movie between Tom and Sonic reaching SF and the final confrontation, her whole shtick was very simple, but effective.

MAN, THAT ENTIRE BAR SEQUENCE WAS SICK. Sonic watching Hot Rods so hyped was funny, and even though the “he’s older than he looks but don’t give him alcohol” joke was weird, the whole Bar sequence was sick as fuck. I particularly laughed a lot at the mention of a “ZZ Top cover band” playing, which may be a result of my dad actually listening to ZZ Top tributes IRL. But then the bar fight happens, and the way the whole sequence was directed, animated and presented was simply mind blowing. Favorite moment of the entire movie, 10/10 would watch again. Also, Fry reference when Sonic stops time? (Futurama gang rise up)

Kids jokes vs adult jokes were something that low-key caught my attention when watching the movie. I noticed that kids enjoyed Sonic’s silly shenanigans a lot more, while we adults were laughing at each single second Jim Carrey was on screen. Also, Rachel’s jokes had a tendency to not make children laugh that much, but man I would be lying if I didn’t say I laughed my ass off when she spelled D-I-V-O-R-C-E to Maddie. Of course there was going to be a generational breach, but I thought it was interesting to see how kids reacted versus certain jokes in comparison to adults.

Speaking of jokes, I saw lots of critics complaining about the way certain jokes would not stick and were potentially “cringe material”, but to be honest I can’t think about more than two or three instances where a joke really made me slap my face and nod in disagreement. I thought even the sillier jokes were mildly funny, maybe due to the fact I was able to completely shut down my brain since the first minute. Either that or my sense of humor is shit.

Now for a complete change of pace. I thought the final sequence was beautiful, not from a narrative perspective, but for the way the whole thing was set and done. Awesome climax, but I could not take the “emotional” moment of Sonic dying seriously, only because this franchise has that fucking morbid tendency to kill its protagonist, and when I realized what was going on I started to laugh. Not only it was predictable, but to be honest, it’s emotional message went over me big time. Though, like I say on my Spanish review, being predictable, by the numbers and cliché doesn’t mean that it’s bad. Not at all. It’s just... I couldn’t take the scene in the same way some of you took it and reflected upon here on Tumblr.

Though that last point could’ve sounded like a personal gripe, it really wasn’t. I only had three major gripes with the Sonic Movie, and those were: 1) Sonic doing the floss... TWICE; 2) Sanic in 2020, are you serious? (at least it was presented with some decent context, I buy the fact Carl drew that); 3) that whole Olive Garden thing. Those three points do really bring the movie down from that 9/10 spot from me, but think about it: those were the only THREE short moments that I did not like during an 1 hour and 40 minutes movie. That speaks volumes about the quality of the overall project.

This one may be a little more local to me, but I was pleasantly surprised to hear that the Latin Spanish dub of the movie was pretty nice. I’m normally a subs or original language only guy, but I didn’t have any trouble with the way the actors were dubbed. Mario Castañeda has been dubbing Jim Carrey for decades now and he’s still top notch, while Luisito Comunica’s Sonic wasn’t nowhere as annoying as I once feared he could be. I’m still going to watch the movie in English whenever it releases digitally or something.

Last point: would you believe me if I tell you I didn’t want to listen to Speed Me Up until I was there staring at the credits? Because that’s what I did. I didn’t listen to a single Sonic Movie track before going, and while I don’t usually pay too much attention to movies’ OST (I’m way more strict with game OSTs), I thought Speed Me Up was quite nice. Now, don’t expect me to spend my days listening to the OST, but I least I was left a good impression by what I could remember. That 16-bits ending sequence was glorious, too.

So, that was the Sonic Movie to me, an unexpectedly better movie than I thought, and the comeback of the century to be honest. I was one of the people that really feared for it back during the first trailer, so after everything that was done to solve that mess I felt obligated to pay up some tickets (because I invited my best friend to go with me, he’s a true trooper and a big Jim Carrey fan). And so I did, and so I was pleasantly surprised.

Can’t wait for Sonic 2 featuring Tails, which is cool and everything... but when are we getting Amy tho? Maybe a vague enough, Sonic CD-esque plot adaptation? COLLISION CHAOS ON THE BIG SCREEN LIKE GHZ? BIG FUCKING YES if so.

[warlockwriter]

To  Lose Thee Were To Lose Myself: Chapter 9

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 |Chapter 7 | Chapter 8

Chapter 9/10

Pairing: Gabriel/Sam

Chapter Word Count: 1578 (Story total so far: 16088)

Summary:  Sam didn’t believe the “new man” speech from Gabriel, but he understood recovery and knew sometimes you just had to put on a brave face. He still struggled with his own recovery journey. Perhaps the two of them could help each other? And gank a few monsters along the way?

A/N: Begins right after 13x20 and goes canon divergent from there. Title from Paradise Lost by John Milton. Many thanks to @archangelgabriellives for the beta read and a couple of awesome suggestions/additions! Story is complete. I’m just trying the serial approach because I’ve never done it with a fanfic before.

Ao3 Link

Sam woke to an empty bed. That shouldn’t have been a surprise to him. He awoke almost every morning to an empty bed. Today, however, he couldn’t help but remember waking up the previous morning with an archangel glued to his back.

That finalized his decision. He genuinely liked touching Gabriel, and that wasn’t going to be possible without completing the bonding. Cas and Dean seemed content with it. Gabriel clearly wanted and needed it, and Sam found himself wanting to give this to the angel.

He cautiously poked at his memory of the Trickster and Dean’s many deaths on a Tuesday. Yes, the memory was still there. Yes, remembering his brother die again and again still hurt, but the overpowering rage he had felt for Gabriel was gone. In its place was acceptance, and, he guessed, forgiveness.

Sam nodded. Yes, bonding with Gabriel was both what he wanted and the right thing to do. He still wondered what it would feel like, be like, but he knew he’d find out soon.

He dressed and tucked his gun in his waistband. Even though he had no plans to leave the Bunker, he still felt naked without it. Dean tended to do the same thing. Years of being on the road and hunting things left their mark.

Sam left his room and headed for the kitchen, figuring everyone would be there. As he entered, he saw Dean finishing up his breakfast. His brother was attempting to convince Cas to try a home fry.

“Dean, I have told you many times that I can not taste food.”

Dean shook his head. “Yeah, that’s not the case according to your brother. He says he can taste food just fine and that you should be able to as well.”

Cas sighed and picked up the piece of potato, regarding it as if it were something he would rather smite than eat. Sam realized that Gabriel wasn’t present, but he was curious about Cas’ reaction to food and decided not to interrupt to ask after the archangel.

Caa put the piece of potato in his mouth, rolled it around, chewed thoughtfully and then swallowed.

“Well?” Dean asked.

“It’s...not bad. I can still discern the individual molecules, but I believe I can also detect the taste of the whole.”

A smile spread across Dean’s face, and he clapped Cas on the shoulder. “See, Gabe knew what he was talking about. You just need to keep trying.”

“If you say so, Dean.” Cas sounded as if he were being asked to do laundry or some other chore.

Sam cleared his throat. Both his brother and angel looked up to see him in the doorway. “Glad you can taste food, Cas. Any idea where your brother is?”

Cas’ eyes grew distant in concentration for a moment before he nodded and said, “He is on the road to town, about a mile distant.”

Sam frowned. Gabriel wasn’t leaving, was he? “Is he coming or going?”

Another moment of concentration. “He is coming closer.”

Smiling in relief, Sam said, “I’ll go meet him then.”

“Have you made a decision, Sam?” Cas asked.

“Yeah, I have.” He was still smiling and knew Cas would figure out his answer from that. “I’ll tell him when I see him.”

Cas gave him a half smile in return. “That is good. I’m sure my brother will be happy to hear your answer.”

Dean was glancing back and forth between them. Then he nodded and grinned at his brother. “Way to go, Sammy.”

Sam turned to leave, but of course, Dean had to have the last word. “But I don’t want to hear anything weird coming from your room, Sam!”

Sam cheerfully flipped off his brother as he left the kitchen.

If Gabriel was about a mile out, Sam would probably meet him halfway, which wouldn’t take long. He found himself excited to see the archangel, and he hurried his steps. Sure enough, he’d been walking less than ten minutes when he saw Gabriel up ahead. Waving, he broke into a half-run. Okay, it was probably cheesy, but he felt like something was pulling him forward.

As he got closer, he saw a smile start to grow on Gabriel’s face, but, as he watched, the smile morphed into a look of horror. “Sam!” Gabriel yelled.

Sam didn’t stop to think. His body moved in familiar patterns as he drew his gun, angled off the road for the dubious shelter of a nearby tree and scanned his surroundings for threats. He noted Gabriel had a blade in his hand, and the archangel was running, expression grim.

The tall hunter finally saw what had spooked the angel. Four creatures were charging across the field by the side of the road. Sam’s mind calmly notified him that they were facing two werewolves and two vampires. Apparently the monsters they had killed had friends.

This wasn’t good. His only weapon was his gun, and it had normal bullets. Gabriel had his blade, but with his grace so low, Sam wasn’t sure he’d be able to smite, and angel blades couldn’t kill vampires or werewolves without grace to back up the attack.

Running was no use, so Sam knelt down to steady his aim and fired five bullets in quick succession. Four hit their targets, with only one going wide. One werewolf landed on his face, his knee exploded. The two vampires paused to pull bullets out of their respective shoulders. The second werewolf tumbled to the ground, briefly incapacitated by a gut shot.

While the monsters wouldn’t stay down long, Sam’s attack bought enough time for Gabriel to join the fight. Even weakened by low grace, these monsters couldn’t cause him permanent harm, and the archangel charged recklessly into their midst. He stabbed one of the vampires, and Sam saw a tiny trickle of grace, enough to cause the bloodsucker to wince but not enough to harm him.

Sam noticed a good-sized tree branch nearby, and he nodded to himself in satisfaction. It wouldn’t hurt the monsters, but it would give him something to parry with, and he might get lucky enough to knock out one of the werewolves. They were slightly more vulnerable than the vampires.

The werewolf who had been hit in the gut recovered enough to manage a hobbling charge toward Sam, who fired two more bullets into him. He got lucky. One was a head shot. That would take the monster out of the fight for the moment.

Unfortunately, one of the vampires must have decided a human was an easier target than an archangel, and he started running in Sam’s direction. The other werewolf was shaking off his injury and was about to rejoin the fight. Gabriel was holding his own against the second vampire, but it was a delaying game, and the hunter knew it.

He still had plenty of ammunition, and he used it all. He fired two more shots into the downed werewolf, three into the recovering werewolf and the rest into the vampire. Then he dropped his gun and brandished the branch.

The vampire shook off the bullets and started forward, confidence in his stride. “You’ve been watching too much Buffy if you expect that to work.”

Sam didn’t rise to the bait, holding his ground, ready for the approaching vampire.

Just then, Gabriel stabbed his vampire, and there was a brief flash of grace followed by a loud scream. The vampire dropped. One monster out of the fight. Sam just hoped that hadn’t been all the juice the archangel had left.

Sam’s vampire whirled toward the scream at the same time Gabriel yelled, “Be ready, Sam.” The archangel concentrated for a moment and snapped his fingers.

Nothing happened.

“Fuck!” Gabriel yelled.

The vampire smiled and turned back for Sam.

Both werewolves were stirring now. Sam wasn’t sure how they were going to get out of this. He watched the vampire approach, ready to defend himself, hopefully to buy some time for Gabriel to do something.

Just on the edge of his vision, he saw Gabriel snap his fingers again. Suddenly, Sam was holding a machete instead of a tree branch. Sam smiled. Now the odds were more in his favor.

Apparently, the vampire hadn’t noticed the change in weapon because he charged the remaining  distance. Sam set his feet, prepared, and, the instant the vampire was close enough, he slashed right through its neck.

The vampire’s head rolled several feet, eyes open wide in stunned disbelief.

Sam didn’t have time to appreciate his victory because both werewolves were now charging him. He heard Gabriel’s yell and presumed the archangel was on his way to help, but the monsters got to him first. Sam was able to cut the arm off of one, but the other ducked under Sam’s machete and took him down, claws ripping deep into the hunter’s belly.

Sam tried to get the machete up and in position to defend himself, but his arms felt so weak that he could barely lift the blade. The werewolf clearly didn’t consider him a threat anymore, and he rose to meet the charge of a furious archangel.

Sam could feel blood flowing down his pants, and he could barely keep his eyes open against the weakness and pain. He was just conscious enough to see Gabriel slide to a halt, standing over Sam’s fallen body. As his vision grayed out, he thought he saw wings arching protectively over him.

TBC

@snips-snails-skittles @idabbleincrazy @sageclover61 @ihaveallthesefeelsokay @calamitychaos @gryffindorofcabin21 @kydrogen-monoxide @everyoneforgetsadam @team-gabriel @shiny-crystaline @samuelwinschester @hankypranky

[massmurdera]

2018 best (and some worst)

2018 was the shittiest year of my life personally and I was a trainwreck almost instantly. I was real hopeful going in, but I got my heart broken as badly as I could get (and it somehow just kept getting worse). Ugh. It’s boring to articulate, but it was a never-ending Russian nesting doll of heartbreak, disappointment, and frustration. But I made more positive changes in the last 12 months than I did in the last 12 years. So that’s something.

TV Funniest go-to show: Desus and Mero (wish they didn’t go on hiatus when they left for Showtime) Favorite shows: 1) Big Mouth 2) Atlanta 3) Killing Eve 4) Bodyguard 5) Haunting of Hill House

Other shows I enjoyed: American Vandal; Homecoming; Americans; GLOW; Better Call Saul; Succession; Cobra Kai; Kominsky Method; Corporate Meh: Barry; Sharp Objects; Who Is America?; Daredevil Favorite Comedy specials: 1) Rory Scovel 2) Bert Kreischer 3) John Mulaney

MOVIES 4 ½ stars: Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse; Sorry to Bother You 4 stars: Quiet Place; Hereditary; Mission Impossible: Fallout; Blackkklansman; Deadpool 2 3 ½ stars: To All the Boys…; Incredibles 2; Game Night; Revenge 3 stars (solid rental): Game Night; Upgrade; Revenge; Ant-Man; Hold the Dark 2 ½ stars (OK rental): Black Panther; Avengers Meh: Love Simon; Support the Girls Probably Good but bored the shit out of me: Roma; First Reformed; Eighth Grade Hated: Mandy; Ballad of Buster Scruggs 

STILL NEED TO SEE: Bad Times at El Royale; Bodied; Creed 2; Death of Stalin; Favourite; First Man; Free Solo; Green Book; Halloween; If Beale Street Could Talk; Minding the Gap; Solo; Star is Born; Vice; Widows

MUSIC Favorite Records: 1) Brian Fallon-‘Sleepwalkers’ 2) Story So Far-‘Proper Dose’

1975 has great songs but they have too much filler in their records. Damn good songs: Foxing-‘Nearer My God’; Wonder Years-‘Pyramids of Salt’; Thrice-‘Beyond the Pines’ PODCASTS Favorite Podcasts personally: -Filmdrunk Frotcast (Movies/comedy) -Dollop (history PLUS comedy) -Bill Burr’s Monday Morning Podcast (one-man rant from the best comic alive) -Conan O’Brien Needs a Friend (comedy + conversations) -Rewatchables (Movies/comedy) -Bill Simmons (conversations) -Pardon My Take (sports + comedy) -Chapo Trap House (leftist politics + comedy) -Press Box (media) 

Intercepted’s takedown of George HW Bush is great. That show and Citations Needed has its moments. I think if you’re a historian/leftist, the best podcasts are Hardcore History or Common Sense (Dan Carlin), Citations Needed, Intercepted, Chapo Trap House, and the Dollop. Dan Carlin is the one you can enjoy if you’re on ANY political spectrum—and the Dollop is not too far behind; that’s truly the most special when it hits.

Other: My Favorite Murder; Revisionist History; Matty + Nick; Hound Tall; We’ll See You in Hell; Binge Mode: Harry Potter; Bertcast/Open Tabs; Gladiator: Aaron Hernandez

Re-listening to Walking the Room for the 3rd time; that’s my favorite podcast of all time. Late pass: ‘Embedded’ series on Trump is amazing. Doesn’t come out often but when it does? Fascinating and goes in on Trump stories that don’t get talked about. Podcasts I’d recommend: In the Dark; RFK Tapes; Slow Burn (S2 on Monica Lewinsky scandal is great)

‘In the Dark’ is by far the best. S1 in 2016 I prefer over S2; check out both.  Podcasts I’m going to check out: Crimetown: Detroit; Serial S3

Vince Mancini (Filmdrunk/Uproxx) has an annual best list on the best investigative/true crime podcasts each year that are the best lists I’ve seen. Best Dollop Episodes of the Year (must-listens on serious subjects): Donald Trump; the Resnicks: Water Monsters; George HW Bush; John McCain; Wells Fargo; Erik Prince & Blackwater 

The above subjects deal with subjects to be genuinely outraged about versus faux things to be outraged about everyday (Russia; Louis CK or what a comic said) and the way the media talks or ignores subjects completely. The way it’s done is so great (Dave reading a topic coldly while his friend interjects with commentary—and then in the end coming together with a South Park-esque take on what the fuck is happening)

Other: Feinstein and the Flag; Levittown: the White Suburb Funniest episode of the Dollop:  1908 New York to Paris Car Race (live w/ James Adomian). Hands down the funniest. Dave purposely saved a great one for the fucking great and underrated James Adomian.

I can tune in and out of some Dollop episodes, but when it goes in on a subject or has a particular guest, you know it’s going to hit.

BOOKS Favorite book: City of Thieves by David Benioff Late pass great: ‘Slaughterhouse Five’ Pretty good: ‘Devil in White City’; ‘Lexicon’ Meh: ‘Sirens of Titan’ Hated: ‘the Bell Jar’

Best twitter follows/online writers: Justin Halpern; Drew Magary; Brian Grubb

BEST EVENTS: 1) Gaslight Anthem 59 Sound 10th Anniversary 2) Boston Calling: the National, Menzingers, Queens of the Stone Age, the Killers 3) Bert Kreischer @ Wilbur: near front row 4) Bill Burr @ TD Garden 5) Pats-Titans playoff game

Biggest regret and disappointment: Moving my ‘ex’ into my friend’s house in January (with the hope that I’d be living there half the time too)—only for her to end up wanting NOTHING at all to do with me that same day after I helped her unpack out of nowhere, threaten suicide in a non-joking manner in front of her new roommates and my friend after a political argument at the end of the first night she moved in, get with someone we work with behind my back almost instantly (a bland and lame cokehead who got busted for cocaine 18 months prior and faced 7 years in jail), try to fuck my friend when I was mid-conversation with them both first time seeing her 3 months after it all ended—and for her to eventually date my friend’s roommate who my friend warned me would try and fuck her but I didn’t take seriously because I thought he wasn’t good looking, tiny, just vaped all day long, and kind of a douche. Cool. Awesome.

I mean, that’s a simplistic breakdown of it all and how I feel about it when I’m angry. It’s more complex and fucked up than that and I could write a book on it to elaborate my thoughts, good and bad. It’s genuinely heartbreaking to articulate it and I withheld that from her:  part of the reason why I moved her into my friend’s place (she didn’t know him or anybody) was because I wanted her in my life and didn’t want to lose her. Instead, it felt like I locked myself out of a party, I’m banging on the door and it’s cold outside, but nobody hears me. It’s just that feeling constantly. At the same time, it’s also very simple: she just wasn’t that into me, valued me, gave a damn, respected me, or cared. It’s NOT as angry or mean as it sounds. It just is what it is. Do NOT move the person you’re seeing into a friend’s place. If it doesn’t work out, make sure you can get a clean break. Oh, and probably do NOT date at work if you can until you know one of you is leaving (or, in my case, she leaves 10+ months after it’. I fucked both up and it’s been impossible to move on. Thankfully, she just left work 2 weeks ago and there’s less anxiety, mental work (thinking about her all the time which I still do but it’s not on maximum overdrive) and tiny heartbreaks each day. I mean, I was devastated when she told me she was leaving and there was finality. I miss her and have missed her all this time, but it’s a good thing: there was nothing I was getting out of it. But still: why did she say yes to moving into MY friend’ s place if she was just going to do a 360 heel turn, be an asshole and resentful towards me out of nowhere, never bother seeing the place I moved into/what I did with it?. Just a disaster of my own creation. I like to think in time I’ll get over it all and move on. I highly doubt I’ll ever see or talk to her again. I refuse to ever go back to my friend’s house for a variety of reasons and I had those thoughts even before the Cinco de Mayo party, but definitely after. I just don’t belong there and it hurts. And I know she’s uncomfortable too if I’m there even if she says otherwise.

Best thing personally: my brother got married, his wedding, friends, and my family. It’s cool to see my brother have his life together, be married into an awesome family, and meet a nice girl. I’ve seen my brother have his heartbreaks, but it’s nice to see him finally have peace and consistency. He’s got a really great house near where the Pats play (closer than where we’d park to games), works 4 days a week and makes bank too. 

BIGGEST CHANGES I MADE moved out to a place of my own in late January-it’s my uncle’s 3-decker, which he intends to pass on to me. So I’m saving $ by being here and it’s decent. The drawback is that it’s 3rd floor and inhospitable during the summer when it’s an oven with no windows where they should be to put an AC unit in (I just stayed at my parents: I would have toughed it out but I desperately need sleep for school). But yeah, I’m over 30 and needed a place of my own. I’d love to live in Boston, but it’s completely fucking unaffordable unless you work 2-3 jobs.

One annoying thing: my driveway gets egged EVERY day since May. We have fake cameras, but pretty sure it’s the next-door neighbor and not some punk kids on their way to school. It is enraging. Who eggs a house everyday? And it’s literally only my car or the lady next to me, not even close to the street. I keep on looking at the trajectory of the eggs and it’s fucking ridiculous. Luckily, because of school (and because I was away during the summer), the egging doesn’t happen until after 8-10 AM.

I’m 10 minutes from my parent’s place (halfway to my workplace and gym as a cut-off place), 5 minutes from the school I attend, and centrally located to things I want to be (Boston, my brother, Cape Cod, possible job changes or to where I intend to move if I can)… went to school to be an electrician-In school 715 to 1245 Monday-Friday. Pain in the ass schedule and tiring, but a big change. I suck at being handy. Most people are sons of people in the trade or went to trade school. Then there’s me: never picked up a drill or a hammer. But I’m working on it. 

I mean, the job IS risky (it’s not an office job) and any job outside of going back to school for a master’s or doctorate to get ahead (I fucking tried!) requires backbreaking manual work that breaks you down in most cases (construction, plumbing and smelling bad to even fixing cars where I hear that breaks your body down). Being an electrician seemed like the least of them all unless you want to be a linesman stuck outside no matter the weather for National Grid or down in manholes—because they pay REALLY well (most people in class actually want those jobs without reservations). I’m fine with being paid pretty well while enjoying myself. I’ll stay away from something monotonous like solar panels or being on a roof all day though.

Jiu-Jitsu-did this for 3 months and loved it. Had to take a break because I can only do weekends and it’s expensive. And I’m too exhausted for 9 AM class come Saturday. After a 6 AM to 12AM schedule M-F, I just completely fucking crash come Saturday. I fully intend on going back and doing yoga too when I finish school in July. 

Most people start doing jiu-jitsu because of Joe Rogan. My answer got a laugh. ‘Yeah, I wanted to try something new. Also, I watched John Wick about a 100 times.’

Therapy-post ‘break-up’ I realized I needed help. I spent a month in February not being able to fall asleep (maybe 24 hours sleep in 3 weeks) before I finally got meds. About a million waking nightmares (holy shit that’s a thing). Constantly crying, particularly on the weekends without her, separation anxiety and just anxiety that did not go away at all: a constant weight. We had a Jim-and-Pam relationship at work, even when it was over—but once she started dating my friend’s roommate, she distanced herself more than ever and it was just fake as fuck. I was frustrated with not finding a job to not passing a test that I studied my ass for 3+ months for that would allow me to leave my job AND the girl. They threw in shit that was not on the study guide at all in the test. Blah. I punched a hole through my bedroom wall (like they do in the movies) and fucked up my hand a bit. 

But yeah, I’m working on my confidence, following through with my goals, challenging myself, making adjustments, facing fears, getting over my anxiety, relationships. I’m proud of how, even without therapy, I handled the girl who was cold and distant: I was ALWAYS warm and welcoming, had a good attitude about it with her. It wasn’t a point of pride to be that way; I just was. If I was around her, the hurt just kind of all faded, however briefly. In the back of my head I wanted to light her the fuck up for how she was acting or NOT acting, but I just didn’t. But it’s hard. I am depressed all the time, but not nearly as overwhelming as I was. I’m really lonesome—and I want to reach out, but I don’t know to who a lot of the time. I feel left out and it’s hard to maintain relationships, but I am trying. It’s hard at 32 but people fade away. You think you’re wiser and more mature that it won’t happen, but it does. It’s just harder to make friends, I guess. I ruminate all the time and think too much. I’m trying to be mindful and in the moment. But I keep on thinking about all the things I’m NOT doing or the things I’m waiting for to happen. But there’s always going to be that. I am doing a LOT and the changes aren’t coming all at once. I like my therapist (I had one when I was in 5th grade and again when I was 19: I didn’t like them: finding a therapist that fits you is the biggest thing)

I realized a lot of the problems I had were patterns even going back to the heartbreak I felt at 18-20 when I was the worst mess I ever was. It wasn’t the girl who broke my heart, but it was me. I should have been better and stronger far before I met her. I wasn’t really living I don’t think. In some ways, I gave up and was sleepwalking through things. But everything I thought I was past just bubbled to the surface. And I had to get it right, something needed to change, and I needed help.

I withheld my problems from everybody because I didn’t want to be a burden. I especially did NOT want to be depressing but I think I became a burden for the girl who broke my heart. She had nothing to give and she was upset at me for talking to her at work and being cheerful, telling stories, or anything. Secretly, I was a mess and it was painful. In a way, I was denying myself and that made it worse.

Here’s the thing: I don’t think I’m that big of a mess. I might be lonely, but I got a good head, attitude, and people generally like me. I make people laugh easily and without trying. I got a lot going for me and I got support.

Tattoos -got the lighthouse tattoo I always wanted since I was 18. I didn’t believe a tattoo artist could carry out my idea. Liked the tattoo artist so much that I stretched it out into a full sleeve. I want to do more and have some ideas. We’ll see.

Other-new car; collecting board games; got tour posters and Pats memorabilia framed WORST POLITICAL: the chaos that comes with Trump-Well, that hasn’t changed. I’ll hate the GOP/Republicans and that goes without saying. I have some small hope with people like Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, but I don’t have any faith in the Democratic party at fucking all: they will rather work with Republicans than work with people who actually want to make an actual change. You kind of just realize how shitty a party they and Obama were and how they are bought/paid for and resistant to any meaningful change. We are fucked.

LOOK AHEAD TO 2019: -finishing school in July and starting new career as electrician -cousin’s wedding and going to Las Vegas for a bachelor party (I’m more psyched for the awesome house we are staying in than Vegas itself) -Pats playoff run and possible end of Brady-Gronk: I’m not hopeful, but I’m going to enjoy my favorite Boston athletes of my lifetime. Couldn’t ask for anything more from them. I just wish Bill Belichick did a better job as a GM and not fucking up nearly every draft since 2006 besides 2010 and 2012. They’ve won 5, but feels like Belichick cost the Pats 3-5 more minimum. Every year you have Tom Brady, you’re in the AFC Championship or Super Bowl. Belichick and Patricia mailed in the Eagles Super Bowl on defense. WTF was that? -doing jiu-jitsu, yoga, taking up swimming, continue following through on my gym program: my goal is to delay having a bad back as long as possible. I’m in the best shape of my life by far, so that’s good. I want to cut some of my gut weight out though: when I bend down to put on my work boots, I feel it. -more tattoos? -dating again (I am struggling so BADLY with online dating and need to work on having better pics: I can’t get a single match/date) -looking at buying a condo or home. I’ve got about $100K saved up and just slowly collecting things in my apartment for the big transition. Still would like to see where I end up working. Ideally, I’d love to have a lake house somewhere decent and centralized.

BOOKS: -Don Winslow wrapping up cartel/border trilogy -new Gillian Flynn?!? -Marlon James’ African Game of Thrones trilogy begins -Stephen King

TV 1a) Desus and Mero returns 1b) Game of Thrones final season 2) Veep final season 3) Lovecraft Country 4) Watchmen 5) Stranger Things 6) Good Omens 7) Devs 8) Fosse/Verdon

NEW: City on a Hill; Deadwood movie; Star Wars; Veronica Mars

MUSIC -Boston Callling -new: 1975, Bruce Springsteen

MOVIES: 1) Once Upon a Time in Hollywood 2) John Wick III 3) Us Toy Story IV 4) Fast and Furious: Hobbs and Shaw OTHER: Avengers; Captain Marvel; Glass; It 2; Joker; Lego Movie 2; Spiderman; Star Wars; Under the Silver Lake; Where’d You Go Bernadette; Zombieland 2

[metalandmagi]

October Media Madness!

It’s the last day of the month, so you know what that means! What-no not Halloween! It’s time to see how one person wasted their time this month by keeping track of all the media they consumed! And if you thought October would mean a lot of horror movies and books and TV shows...you are going to be very disappointed because I’m a fucking wimp who hates horror.

September media

Movies!

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World: Scott Pilgrim, aka the most intentionally unlikable protagonist ever, has to defeat the seven evil ex-boy...uh I mean exes of the cool girl he’s dating. Yeah, I’m super late to the Edgar Wright party, but since this movie was finally available on Netflix I figured it was time. And it’s pretty good aside from the fact that Scott is the worst. But at least he owns up to it in the end. It’s crazy over the top ridiculous, has tons of little details that film theorists love to salivate over, and Scott’s roommate Wallace is hilarious. I just wish I could hear what Michael Cera says half the time. Oh well, there’s nothing good or bad I can say about this movie that hasn’t been said before. 8/10

Coraline: Coraline Jones, an imaginative young girl with inattentive parents who has just moved into a new apartment, discovers a secret door that leads to a world where everything is better, and everyone has buttons for eyes. However, under the perfect exterior, things are more sinister than they seem. I got the urge to re-watch this because it’s freaking October, and although I don’t watch horror movies, I felt obligated to watch something at least kind of Halloween-ish. And I stand by my long held opinion that this is the all time creepiest movie marketed for children ever made. Literally everything about this movie is creepy. There’s creepy music, creepy dolls being made and following people around, creepy cats, creepy people with buttons for eyes, creepy ghosts of children, creepy children with their mouths shown shut...the list is endless. And Laika never fails to make beautifully animated stop motion. 9/10

Sierra Burgess is a Loser: The latest film in Netflix’s attempt to dominate the rom-com genre, in which an unpopular high school girl ends up texting a handsome jock while leading him to believe he is texting a gorgeous cheerleader named Veronica who also goes to her school.

Okay, this isn’t a bad movie, so let me start with the good. I appreciate the message of how you need to make yourself stand out to colleges and how high school in general is becoming a toxic competitive environment. There’s a lot of good material about living up to expectations and stereotypes, both from Sierra’s side and her partner in crime Veronica’s. And speaking of Veronica, I was completely blindsided by how much of a great character she was and how much she grew throughout the film. I also liked Sierra’s best friend and the love interest, even if they were a little generic.

That being said...I didn’t like Sierra. When main characters intentionally lead people on for no good reason (and thinking some guy you’ve just met isn’t going to text you back because you’re not “conventionally attractive” is not a good reason) it annoys the hell out of me. Not only does she lie through texting him, but she and Veronica lie to his face multiple times. She also does something really horrible to Veronica because of a misunderstanding that could have been avoided if she taken five seconds to use some common sense. She also thinks she’s above doing a simple homework assignment for her poetry class because she wants to be different. I realize she needs to stand out in order to get recommendations for college, but come on. And finally, when she’s upset about how she looks, she blames her parents because her mom is attractive??? Yes it is frustrating to have these brilliant “conventionally attractive” parents, but they always try to build her up, as opposed to Veronica’s mother who only tears her down. I DID NOT HATE HER CHARACTER, but I think she could have been portrayed better. The other major thing that bothered me is that there is the complete lack of proper conflict resolution. All the problems and hurt feelings just magically go away in order to have a happy ending. Overall, the movie’s just okay. 7/10

Howl’s Moving Castle: Sophie, an ordinary girl who gets cursed by a witch, turns into an old woman and ends up working for a wizard who steals hearts. It feels like Studio Ghibli’s version of beauty and the beast, except Howl is the beauty with a questionable personality, and Sophie is the “beast” who whips him into shape...until the second half of the movie anyway. I’d prefer to watch an entire movie of old woman Sophie interacting with the other characters rather than deal with the war aspect of the plot. Anyway, the animation is awesome, and I appreciate the English voice cast...except for the fact that no one had the good sense to use Crispin Freeman as Howl instead of just having him as Turnip-Head! I know lots of people have talked about the differences between the book and the movie, but I like how the movie portrays that even though being old is physically painful, it can also be emotionally freeing. Either way I think Sophie is a great character with a fun sense of humor! 8/10

First Man: The story of Neil Armstrong and the years leading up to the moon landing...which apparently a lot of people didn’t like? Some people are butthurt about there not being a shot of planting the flag (which if they actually saw the movie they would know the focus of the scenes on the moon were to show Armstrong dealing with wonder and grief, NOT rallying together as Americans). Some people are unhappy that an American hero can be portrayed so negatively, and some people just thought it was boring and dragged a lot…

Okay, yes, the movie is a drama that does not portray Armstrong in a glowing light, and yes there are certain scenes that go on too long. BUT I really liked this movie...and this is coming from someone who doesn’t like Ryan Gosling. It is a family drama that captures how different people respond to grief and stress set in the backdrop of the space race. I also liked learning about this period in history and the controversy around the space program in general. It was beautifully shot and had very creative music choices, which was the main reason I saw it in theaters. I came away from it awed and terrified that we basically sent these people to the moon in freaking tin cans, and that in the sixties men shunned their emotions so much that they wouldn’t hug their children before going to space! Overall, it was good in a solid way, but it did drag a bit. 7.5/10

Mama Mia: Another protagonist named Sophie is getting married and invites the three men who could each possibly be her father to the wedding. But who cares about the plot, the main purpose of the film is to show women having fun with their friends! This movie...isn’t exactly good, but it 100% knows what it wants to be and accomplishes that. It’s a wacky, ridiculous, musical romp that people only watch with their friends when they’re plastered because they want to hear ABBA songs. It’s the very definition of a guilty pleasure movie, and there’s nothing wrong with that. I will say that it’s harder for me to relate to because I don’t have friends that I act this ridiculous with, and sometimes it gets to be a bit much. Although, I have seen the Broadway musical and remember absolutely loving every minute of it...so maybe it’s just the movie overplaying it. Oh well, it’s just something fun to have on in the background or watch when you need cheering up! It’s a 9/10 for being accomplishing what it wants and a 6/10 as an actual movie.

Ant-Man and the Wasp: In this Marvel filler episode between Infinity War and Captain Marvel, Scott is under house arrest and Hope tries to get her mother out of the quantum realm. Okay, this was a fun movie with some great moments, but it definitely had its issues. For a movie called Ant-Man and the Wasp, the two did not do much fighting together...or at all until the end. It felt more like an origin to their partnership than a team up movie (and I’d rather have a Wasp and Black Widow team up movie...or all the Marvel women team up movie). It also couldn’t figure out who the villain should be. It’s like they realized half way through writing it that Ghost was way too sympathetic and cool and had to come up with a bunch of more forgettable villains. And because this was more of a hot potato rather than a heist, I didn’t think it was as fun as the first movie overall. HOWEVER I still really enjoyed the inventive action and the characters. I will always watch 2 hours of Evangeline Lilly kicking ass, and Paul Rudd being himself. And I am convinced that Marvel is using The Adventure Zone route of needing competent women to solve everyone’s problems. But the heart of the movie is really family. Hank and Hope, Scott and his daughter, and even Ghost all had very compelling stories that drew me in every time. And that post credits scene...I knew it was coming, but come on! Marvel is the only current studio who can basically do a horror movie “The End…?” in their credits now. 7.5/10

The Chronicles of Narnia-The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe: The Disney version of the classic C.S. Lewis book; come on we all know the story. Okay, I watched this for the first time in several years because I also read the book this month. And holy cow, when you see what material the movie had to work with, this is a freaking masterpiece. It takes a very simple children’s book and turns it into an epic fantasy! The score, the little details, and the setting are all perfect. All the characters are so real and fleshed out AND ACCURATELY PORTRAYED FOR THEIR AGES! All four siblings are struggling with something, and the actors do a great job considering they were actual children while making this! I am so angry that Disney let this property’s potential slip through their fingers because I truly believe that if they kept making movies like this, it could have been their Harry Potter by now. Prince Caspian was also excellent, though I don’t remember much of Dawn Treader, but I think if they put the money and effort into continuing this franchise it could have been great.

One thing I don’t appreciate about the movie is how they reduce Edmund’s mental journey. I have always especially loved Edmund as a character, and something the movie fails to mention is the fact that APPARENTLY in the book the Turkish Delight is enchanted to make whoever eats it think only of eating more and more until THEY EAT SO MUCH THAT THEY DIE?! He’s not just a greedy kid. And there’s a lot more to his time with the Witch that makes his actions easier to understand. Anyway it definitely goes down as one of the best book to movie adaptations I’ve ever seen, and it is on my very short list of movies that are better than the books. 10/10

Books!

The Chronicles of Narnia- The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis: It’s the first Narnia book; we all know the plot. I am one of the many people who had this series read to them as a kid, but it’s been like...eleven years since I actually read these books for myself. Even then I only got to The Horse and His Boy before stopping because it was boring as hell. I’ve been wanting to re-read the series all year, and with only the Disney movies in recent memory, imagine my surprise when I found out that Lewis’s writing style is absolutely bananas! I think he’s acting as some omniscient narrator, but his style is so stream of consciousness it’s hilarious! He constantly addresses the audience in these 2007 fanfiction author-esque asides. The Pevensies are the most posh, old-timey sounding British kids ever, and it’s amazing to visualize children that actually speak like this. Everything happens so quickly because it is 100% meant to be a children’s story, not this epic adventure we all associate with the movies. So...if you’ve never read it before definitely check it out just to discover how utterly wild everything is. My only real complaint is that it’s kinda sexist, and no one except for Edmund gets a character arc. Even though Susan gets a bow and Lucy gets a dagger, they’re treated like they shouldn’t be fighting because they’re girls and not...oh I don’t know...because they’re children! 7/10

The Ladies Guide to Petticoats and Piracy by Mackenzie Lee: The second installment of...idk...the “Guide” series? I talked about the first book, The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue in my May Media Madness, and this book is just as good! This series takes place in the 1700s, and while the first book follows arrogant bisexual disaster Monty, his (boy)friend Percy, and his sister Felicity through a romp across Europe, this book follows Felicity and her friends on a...let’s just say “scientific expedition” involving pirates. The less you know about the plot going in the better. And did I mention her friends include a badass Muslim pirate princess and an Elle Woods-esque dog loving naturalist? And also did I mention Felicity is CANONICALLY revealed as ARO/ACE?! It’s strongly hinted at in the first book, and in this book Mackenzi Lee basically shoves any doubt about it out the window. It’s fun, hilarious, and also heartbreaking at the same because of all the challenges each character faces because they’re ambitious women in this time period. Sometimes it feels a little heavy handed in its feminist messages, but you can’t deny it’s not accurate. I’m really only saying that because I am a woman, and the struggles are nothing I haven’t seen or read before.  Anyway, this is a fantastic series that I highly recommend to anyone looking for a fun read, and it gets bonus points for including Monty and Percy being disgustingly in love together! 1000/10

Dear Evan Hansen the Novel by Val Emmich (and also Steven Levenson, Benj Pasek, and Justin Paul):

Buckle up.

I really love the Dear Evan Hansen musical (which I talked about in my August Media Madness.) The novel is almost a word for word adaptation of the musical, in which Evan, a teenager with anxiety, writes a letter to himself that is stolen by a boy who commits suicide, leading everyone to believe Evan and the boy, Connor, were best friends because they assume Connor wrote the letter to Evan. There is a lot I could say about this adaptation, but the number one thing is: I really don’t know if people who haven’t seen the musical or heard the soundtrack will like it as much. The strength of Dear Evan Hansen is mainly in its performances and its music, and while they tried to work the music in as best they could, I enjoyed the story more because I can link it back to the actors’ performances. Yes, the story is interesting and the message is important, but I honestly don’t know how much people going in blind will like the writing and how the characters are portrayed. Overall, it seemed like a well written fanfic- in a good way, not a Harry Potter and the Cursed Child way. That being said, I did really enjoy a lot of things about this book. They expanded on a lot about Evan’s relationship with his absent father and the aftermath of the big lie. They also expanded on a lot about Connor…

I honestly don’t know how I feel about Ghost Connor. Yes, I’m glad Connor shows up as a ghost in the book. What he doesn’t do is ACTUALLY INTERACT WITH EVAN...LIKE AT ALL! The best parts of the show are when Connor, as a figment of Evan’s imagination acts as a comedic buffer and his “moral center.” However, here ghost Connor exists to give snippets of Connor’s life. He barely comments on what Evan is doing at all even though he sees everything. All of Connor’s sections made me feel like the author was going through the DEH tag on AO3 and picking things to throw in. I liked his sections, but the writers really missed the more entertaining story of having Connor actually commenting about the shit Evan is doing.

So overall, I’d say watch the musical if you can find a bootleg, or at least listen to the soundtrack and then read the book. It was very enjoyable, although I think the ending dragged a bit in its quest to give more closure than the musical. 8.5/10

Bonus Manga

Shimanami Tasogare: Tasuku Kaname, a closeted boy starting his first year of high school meets a mysterious woman named Anonymous who helps him finds solace in a lounge run by other members of the LGBT+ community. This is the kind of manga that really hits and misses for me. It does a great job at portraying the struggles of a community with different sexualities and gender identities, and it has some really great characters and beautiful moments that I really think would be even better animated. But there are some character arcs that I feel are really...incomplete. It feels like the author was rushed into finishing the manga and did the best they could, but certain characters come off as major hypocrites or suddenly act like their arcs never happened. I also appreciate having an asexual character play such a big role, but the chapter where she talks about her identity as a person is just kind of...bizarre. Not to mention I barely understood what was happening for the first couple chapters because everything Anonymous says is so vague. There’s a lot I could say about this manga, but really I think it’s something everyone should read for themselves (and you’ll definitely need your tissue boxes). 8/10

TV Shows!

Arrested Development: “The story of a wealthy family who lost everything and the one son who had no choice but to keep them all together.” Aka Ron Howard narrates the shenanigans of the worst people you’ll ever see. Yes, I finally got around to watching this, and yes the first three seasons are hilarious. It’s got the same beats as a soap opera (twins, adoption, losing limbs in seal attacks), but in a sitcom format it’s genius. The fourth and fifth (or at least what there is of the fifth) are just nothing special in my opinion. I thought the fourth season was structured terribly, and once the family starts getting into politics the show tries to be a form of satire that just doesn’t work for it. Plus I live with a family of Trump supporters; so it’s not as funny when you have to live with the racist people the show is making fun of who take all the “wall” stuff seriously. 8/10

Documental: A Japanese...social experiment/documentary/game show type thing on Amazon Prime wherein 10 comedians all get locked in a room together and attempt to make each other laugh without laughing themselves. The twist is each of them contribute 1 million yen to play, and the winner gets the pot of 10 million yen. In the first season, the show is more interesting as a social experiment than it is funny. You’ll like it if you like Japanese comedy. But the thing about Japanese comedy is...well, just picture an episode of Osomatsu-san, with all the disgusting and bizarre shit they do, and then picture real people. Though I do love seeing the faces everyone makes when they’re trying not to laugh! HOWEVER, the second season is so much better. I was laughing so much every episode that it hardly felt like the same show. They also changed the format a little so there would definitely be a winner at the end of the time. There’s still gross weird shit, but it’s a much better season. I give season 1 a 6/10 and season 2 an 8.5/10

Over the Garden Wall: In case you’ve been skipping the entire season of autumn since 2014, OTGW is a 10 episode miniseries that aired on Cartoon Network detailing the journey of two brothers Wirt and Greg who are lost in a mysterious wood called “The Unknown.” But really the whole thing is like a stuck in Purgatory story. It’s one of those shows that goes from adorable and funny to dark as fuck real quick. I think it’s impossible to go through the fall season without watching this at least once. This is another one of those things where there’s nothing I can say about it that hasn’t already been said. The atmosphere is perfect for Halloween, the characters are great (Elijah Wood voices Wirt, and it’s the best), and there are so many hidden clues that after it aired we all demanded a Gravity Falls crossover…

I could go on. This show is perfect except for the unnecessarily silly school teacher episode...and fact that it goes by too fast...and also the fact that now I know Elijah Wood has an adorable singing voice, and I’m salty that he didn’t really sing in Lord of the Rings. This is the atmospheric “watch it once a year” type of show that we desperately need more of...it doesn’t have to be the same characters or even have the same messages, but dang it Cartoon Network you can’t just give us this masterpiece and walk away!!! 10/10

Yuri On Ice: Yes, the figure skating anime. This is Tumblr so I doubt I need to post the summary of the show, but I do talk about it in my Hufflepuff Anime recommendations post. Since I couldn’t watch the Yuri On Ice marathon (which was coincidentally held on my birthday!) I decided to have my own dang marathon. There’s just so much to love about this anime: the music, the animation, the characters, the diversity, the humor, and the accuracy to the sport. But I think the main reason I love this show so much is because, as someone who watches a lot of sports anime, I really appreciate this show doing something different and focusing on ADULTS WHO ACTUALLY RELY ON THE SPORT AS A CAREER and using drama that way instead of the main source of angst being “we have to win the match for our senpai!” This is one of those shows you can watch a million times and still find new things to love! 10/10

Podcasts!

I don’t know why I made a separate section for this, since I only listened to one.

Hey Riddle Riddle: A podcast with three hosts that go talk about riddles and puzzles (aka puzzies and riddies) and role play various ridiculous answers to them. I started listening to it because Justin McElroy was on an episode, and it was pretty funny. The podcast is interesting and entertaining, except for the fact that sometimes their role playing and improve can go on for too long, and they don’t know when to let a joke die. Also one of the co-hosts is really annoying, but the other two make up for it. 8/10

Honorable Mentions

Camp Camp released a Halloween episode called Arrival of the Torso Takers and I watched it...probably four times...I don’t have a problem.

Some shows I watch on actual television came back this fall! Bob’s Burgers, Crazy Ex Girlfriend, Fresh Off the Boat, Speechless, Modern Family (yes I still watch that), and The Good Place!

I don’t know if this was a leak or what, but there’s a new My Little Pony christmas Hearthswarming special, and guys...I thought it was pretty great. Say what you want about this show, but it knows how to do holiday episodes. Anyone who has been a fan for a long time or even fans who have fallen off the show will probably love it. It’s very sweet and never went in the direction I thought it would.

And last but not least, shout out to all the anime coming out this fall...there’s just...so much to watch...please help...

[classic-rock-roller]

1. You are playing hide and seek with Crue, Kevin, and Randy. You’ve found Vince, Randy, and Kevin, but not anyone else. They’re helping you look for people when you hear a strange banging noise. Tommy rolls out from under the sink; he’d somehow managed to wedge himself into the small metal cupboard under there. You’re slightly confused, and Tommy is breathing heavily. “So…many….chemicals…..Lung cancer….imminent.” How do the 4 of you respond?

Me: “Why were you stupid enough to hide in there?”

Vince: “From your stupidity, you kind of deserve to apparently get your “imminent lung cancer”

Kevin: *Trying to control his snickering and then breaks out into a full out laugh*

Randy: “How did you even fit in there?”

2.You and Duff are going through a corn maze, and after about ten minutes, you are hopelessly lost. You insist you’ll find your way out if you keep going, but Duff says “Fuck that!” and begins crashing through the corn to find the exit. What do you do?

“Hey, stop that! That’s cheating!” I’d run after him and pull him back to the maze, “Don’t you want to prove to Slash and Axl that we did this the right way? No, come on! This maze won’t complete itself.” He’d roll his eyes but follow along. 

3. You are running around an abandoned farm with Kevin, Randy, Rudy, and Drew. You chase Kevin around the corner of an outbuilding and you hear someone cry out in pain behind you. Rudy wasn’t looking where he was going and he scraped his leg on a broken fence post. You and Kevin decide he needs to go to the hospital, but Randy is nowhere in sight, and you can’t leave him behind. What do you do?

“Randy, get your ass over here. Rudy got hurt and we’re going to the hospital.” I’d wait for a second and when he didn’t show up, “Unless you want to spend the night with the haunted scarecrow that wanders the farm.” Kevin would look over at me and go, “Haunted scarecrow, really?” I’d just shrug, wait another minute, and go, “Ok, Kevin, start the car.” “What?” Rudy groans in the back seat. “Start. the. car. Can’t you see Rudy’s in pain.” Kevin would start the car and Randy would come running. “I’m here, I’m here. I don’t want to be left with the haunted scarecrow.” He’d pile in the back with Rudy and Drew. I’d get in the front seat and Kevin would look over at me, “I didn’t think that’d work...”  

4. You go to a pawn shop with Crue to sell some of your dad’s old tools. After you’re done, you hear, “Aww, wicked.” Nikki found a real antique katana, and he has his heart set on buying it. How do you respond?

“Well, if you want to buy it, sure. But we have some ground rules. First, that is not to be used on Tommy, Mick, Vince, or I AT ALL. Even if just for a joke. Second, it will stay in its sheath AT ALL TIMES. You will not take it out unless absolutely necessary. And third, it must remain on a stand on the wall unless you are showing it to someone. Deal?” Nikki would pout at first but then go, “Deal.”

5. You come home with takeout one day, and when it’s dished, Kevin is eating faster than usual. “Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you ate?” “Dunno, I think a couple days ago. Why?” How do you respond?

“Kevin, Honey, that’s not good. You have to eat every day.” He’d look up at me, “What happened to ‘I eat and sleep when convenient’? You say that all the time.” “I know but I make myself eat at least once a day because it’s not good to go without eating. Please at least eat one meal a day. If not for you then for me, please?”

6. Nikki calls you frantically at work one day. “You’ve got to come home now; somebody drugged Tommy’s coffee at Starbucks and he’s pulling a gun on Vince.” You hear frantic, unintelligible noises before Nikki shouts, “Oh shit!” and hangs up the phone. What happened and what do you do?

Well, first of all. I’d kind of get a jolt of panic going through my body and then I’d ask my boss to leave and try to explain to him what I thought happened. If he doesn’t let me go, I’d quit right there and leave. I’d speed my way home and when I burst through the door I see Nikki and Mick restraining a drugged Tommy and Vince standing off to the side holding his arm. “Are you ok Vince?” “Yeah, I think so. The bullet didn’t hit me. It lodged in the wall.” And he’d point to my kitchen wall. I’d then go over to where Nikki and Mick are holding down Tommy. “Let me see him. I can’t tell but it could be a number of substances that they laced in the coffee. Do you still have the cup?” Nikki points to the trash, “He threw it out.” I’d go over grab a plastic bag and use it as a glove to put the cup in and then seal it. “Well, let’s get him to the hospital. And We’ll have to keep an eye on this. The police might want it.” 

7. You are visiting the wax museum with a friend when you see the sculptures of Ratt. You pose for a picture between wax Warren and wax Stephen. Just as your friend says, “Smile!”, the sculptures come to life. Warren grabs you around the shoulders and Stephen shouts out. They are the real thing, pulling pranks at the museum. What happens next?

I’d scream first because I don’t do well with being startled and then Id go, “Oh my god. I love you guys! Your music is amazing!” And most likely ask for their autograph. 

8. You’re going to Disney with Crue. Everyone is ready except Vince. When he finally comes downstairs, he’s dressed as Princess Aurora. Do you make him change or can he go as is?

“Vince, you look amazing. Are we ready to go?” We’d get there and they’d most likely try to make him change because “Adults aren’t allowed in the park in costume unless it’s Halloween.” So Vince would be disappointed but I’d convince Disney to let him in any way because everyone deserves to be happy at Disney. (That is an actual rule. Kind of a weird rule if you ask me).

9. You’re walking in a field with Kevin one day when he shouts “Aw, no way!” He runs forward and says “Fort!” It’s a partially fallen tree that makes some sort of tunnel. “Come on, let’s see whats inside!” Do you follow him?

“Ok,” And I’d follow him in because it looks cool and I was smart and packed a flashlight. 

10. Your car got towed and you need a ride home from work, so you call Warren. He answers the phone, and when you tell him what happens, he asks what you were wearing when the car got towed. “What? It doesn’t matter, my car got towed! I need your help.” “Oh my God, you’re so bad at sexy phone calls.” How do you respond?

“Warren. This is not a sexy phone call. My car really got towed. And now it’s dark and cold and I’m standing under the bridge in the darkly lit park in the middle of the city. Can you PLEASE come pick me up?” “Sure, Are you sure this isn’t a sexy call.” “No, Warren it’s not. Unless you think me in my grease-stained jeans and polo shirt and apron is sexy.” “Hmmm...I don’t know. I’m trying to picture it.” “WARREN!” 

11. When you get home from work, you find Kevin and Randy in the backyard laying tarps and broken down boxes down in an odd shape. You go out to investigate, and Randy says excitedly, “We made a real life-sized board game!” What do you do?

“Awesome! Can we play? What game is it?” “It’s that kidy game shoots and ladders. We wanted to do monopoly but we couldn’t make large sized bills.”

--------------------

1) You leave Randy home with your daughter, while you go to the grocery store for an hour or two. When you get back, the house is completely quiet. You go into your daughter’s bedroom to find both Randy and your daughter in her crib, sleeping. Randy begins to stir. What do you do?

2) You and Randy are in the house when you realize you haven’t seen Kevin in a while. “Hey, where’s Kevin?” you ask. “I don’t know.” Randy answers. A little later you go outside and find Kevin on the flagpole. “How did you end up there?” you ask him. “Does it really matter? Will you help me down?” Do you help him down or do you go get Randy?

3) You’re in a record store with Randy and Kevin and you’re looking through the vinyl. At one point you pull out one of their records from the stack. “Hey, look. It’s you guys. I think I might buy it. Might sound better than the real thing.” And you give them a smirk. How do they react?

4) You’re in a deep sleep when all of a sudden you feel someone shaking your arm. “Come on, wake up, we’re going to go on an adventure!” Randy whispers in your ear. You roll over and look at the clock to see that it’s four in the morning. How do you respond?

5) You and Randy are sitting on the couch when something falls off the end table and you lean over to get it before you know it, you’ve rolled off the couch and are on the floor. How does Randy react?

6) You’re sitting with your boyfriend Warren and Roommate Stephen at your Kitchen table. Both you and Warren look at each other and start uncontrollably giggling. “God you two are nauseating,” Stephen says. How do you and Warren react?

7) Randy is standing on your couch with your son in his arms. When you walk in you ask them what they are doing and they both respond, “The floor is Lava!” How do you react?

8) While at work you get a text from Vince, you don’t look at it right away but maybe about thirty minutes later you do and all it says is, “I didn’t even think of doing this until you said I couldn’t so really you’re the one to blame.” What did you tell him he couldn’t do and what do you do once you get the text?

9) You and Warren are laying in bed one night unable to sleep when you ask him, “What’s your biggest fear?” He looks over at you and says, “you.” “Me?!” you ask as you sit up. “I’m scared that one day you’ll look in the mirror and see yourself as I see you. You will realize just how amazing you are and that you deserve better than me. I’m terrified that you’ll leave.” How do you respond?

10) You and Kevin are sitting at the table when he says, “Sorry to disappoint you. But you do not have a ‘mean look’.” “Oh, please. I’m sure I have a mean look. I’m sure it makes people quiver in their boots.”  “If by “people” you mean “adorable baby kittens,” then yes. Before they wobble over and lick your face.” You glare at him to which he responds with, “Aw, look at all the kittens coming over! How adorable!” What do you d next?

11) You had to get up for work one day but when you try to get out of bed Randy grabs you and refuses to let go. When you try to move his grip tightens. You soon realize he's still asleep and you know he didn’t go to bed last night until really late because he was working on a song. What do you do?

@osbournebemydaddy ,  your move.                  

[blondiefrommars-blog]

The Flight

(Note: This is also posted on Archive of Our Own. I am known as BlondefromMars.)

January 3rd.

             I was finally headed home, to L.A. and back to reality. My job, my friends, and my healthy food. The holidays are over, I went to Seattle to spend them with my family. I had left for the Pacific Northwest on December 22, and I was just coming home now. I was sitting at my gate, waiting. I am HATE flying. But driving from Los Angeles to Seattle on a motorcycle is not as easy or fun as you think. I was sitting with 2 other women, Jessica and Carly, we had all headed out from LAX together, now we were headed home to So. Cali. I was eating my hummus and pita chips, in preparation of taking my anxiety medication and watching YouTube, when my video paused and I received a text message with a picture from my mom:

 -Are these yours? (it was a picture of a medication bottle.)

 SHIT!!

I texted back:

 -HELL!! Yeah those would be the meds I am supposed to take before getting on the plane. Well, I guess I am gonna have suffer through it. Wish me luck? At least it is a short flight?

 -at least you found the silver lining? I’ll have your dad put them in the mail to you.

 -thanks.

 As the time to board drew closer, I started to notice a serious lack of passengers around for the flight. I walked up to the desk, a brunette woman smiled at me and asked, “How can I help you sweetie?”

 “Hi, I was just wanting to make sure that flight 62 to Los Angeles is on time.”

 “Oh, yes, it is, there aren’t a lot of passengers that booked that flight. And, there is another flight that is having some technical difficulties and so the airlines are placing those passengers on this flight so we apologize for the delay in the boarding process. As soon as those passengers are here, everyone will be able to board.” She smiled.

 I made my way back to the other two and explained what was happening. They were tweeting, and instagraming our waiting. This is when they asked if I was okay. I explained that I didn’t have my anxiety meds and the waiting wasn’t helping.

 15 minutes later…

 My hood was up and I was standing in the jet way, waiting. As I stood there I wondered, if there wasn’t a lot of passengers on this flight then why was it taking so long to get onboard.

 As we stood in the jet way Carly’s eyes became as big as saucers. I stepped closer to her and toucher her forearm, “You okay Carly?”

 She nodded and replied, “Don’t turn around.” I didn’t have a chance to say anything.

 “Nice hoodie.” A male voice came from behind me.

 I knew that voice. This is not happening. I turned and there was Jared and Shannon. My bodies response was to start laughing. “Are you fucking kidding me?” I closed my eyes and shook my head, “Thanks, its cozy. You should know.” I pointed at his jacket. He was wearing the same one.

 I looked at the other girls, they both were staring with their jaws on the floor. “Well, I guess we know whose plane was having issues, yeah?” I said looking back at Jared.

 Shannon snorted, and replied, “That’s an understatement. It was frozen solid and the heaters aren’t working.”

 “Welcome to winter time in the Pacific Northwest. This is why I live in L.A. now. I hate the cold.” I said as we all started getting comfortable, leaning against the walls of the jet way, dropping bags on the floor.

 “Any of you know why we aren’t boarding?” Jared asked.

 Jessica, Carly, and I all shook our heads. The conversation ended and the phones came out. Jared was the first to pipe up. “Alright, you ladies wanna do something with me?”

 I looked up, Jessica and Carly looked scared. “Hell, I’m game. When am I ever gonna be able to say that I got to hang out with 2/3 of Thirty seconds to Mars.” I finally said.

 “Awesome. Come here.” Jared said and opened one long arm. “We are gonna take a picture and post it on twitter.” He pulled me close. Wow, he was warm and he smelled amazing. “Thanks!” He said, and hugged me. I smiled.

 After a few minutes, my phone pinged. “So sorry of the delay everyone, welcome aboard.”

 I didn’t talk to either of them until 30 minutes into the flight. I was in the 8th row in the middle seat, there was a total of 9 of us in the coach area, the first class was full. The crew said that we could all pick our own seats, I had a whole 3 seats to myself. I had my wireless headphones in and Jared was screaming in my ears, and I was writing. That’s what I did when I was nervous. I wasn’t paying attention to the people moving around me in the cabin, until the aisle seat to my left was occupied. I looked up and there Jared was, staring at me, smiling. Then Shannon appeared in the row in front of me, smiling.

 I removed my headphones. “Well hello.” I saved my work, and closed my laptop. “What were you writing?” Jared asked. “Nothing special, I like to write my dreams out so that I can remember them for another time. But I also just like to write in general, questions, dreams, thoughts, basically.” The plane shuddered a little.

 I sighed.

 “Hey, you okay?” Shannon asked, he looked at Jared and then back at me. I nodded. Jared and Shannon shared a look, he then slipped by me. This is when I realized I was in one of the rows with the extra room. Jared took the window seat to my right and then Shannon occupied the seat Jared was just in.

 “You don’t fly well do you?” Jared asked. I shook my head. “Do you have meds or something?” he said quietly.

 I sighed and replied, “I didn’t realize it but I left them at my parents’ house. So, I’m shit out of luck on that.”

 The plane shuddered again. I gripped the arm rests, and groaned. I felt 2 hands, one on each arm. “It’s okay. You can get through this. Do you like amusement park rides?” Jared asked.

 “Yeah” Another shudder. I glanced at Shannon he was looking up the aisle at the other passengers and crew.

 “Hey,” Jared said, drawing my attention, “I just realized I never got your name.”

 “I’m Emma.” Jared was holding my shaking hand now. He motioned with his free hand, pointing at his eyes. “Right here, whole time. Okay?”

 I nodded.

 “Think of this as an amusement park ride. The bouncing and jerking.” Jared said.

 I hadn’t realized that Shannon had left until he came back to our row and said, “Apparently Los Angeles has some shitty weather right now. That’s why the ride is so bumpy. Stewardess said it should pass soon.” He moved to sit when the plane jumped so violently other passengers yelped or gasped.

 “Shit.” Shannon said as he was slightly thrown into the seat. I gasped, and closed my eyes tightly.

 “Em, you okay over there?” Jessica asked.

 “She’s okay, I got her.” Jared replied. “Emma, what did I say? Open your eyes. Look at me.”

 I could feel the blood rushing out of my face. I opened my eyes, and took a shaky breath in. Shannon shifted in his seat and placed one thick muscled arm around each side of me.

 “Everything is gonna be fi--.” Jared started but was cut off by the pilot coming over the intercom.

 “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are going to ask that all passengers return to their seats, and buckle up. We are coming into some rough weather and will be experiencing some turbulence. Please remain seated and calm. Thank you for your patience.”

 I felt like I was going to pass out. The last time I was on a plane that had turbulence I was flying across the country and it wasn’t bad enough to warrant an announcement from the pilot.

 “Okay, Emma this is what’s we are gonna do. Shannon and I are gonna stay here with you. Don’t be scared, we fly all the time and this is normal.” Jared said.

 After the three of us were buckled in. Jared shifted in his seat so he was facing me, blocking the window. “So, how long have you been an echelon?”

 “I have been listening since high school. So, over 10 years.” I replied quickly, concentrating on my breath.

 “You have any tattoos?” Shannon asked.

 “I do I have 2, the triad and the glyphs with the saying ‘This is who I really am.’” I replied. “Both are on my arms. I wanted to be able to see them every day to remember to go for my dreams. And so, I couldn’t self-harm anymore.” I was gripping my sleeves.

 “Oh shit, really? That’s intense.” Jared said, “I’m glad you don’t hurt yourself anymore.”

 “You guys saved me. I found myself in the bathtub with a razorblade when your playlist started, specifically ‘Alibi’ followed by ‘Bright Lights.’ That’s when I put the knife down, and really delved into your music.”

 Shudder. Jump.

 “Jesus.” Shannon said.

 I gasped and grabbed the arm rests.

 “Woah!” Jared whispered, “Hey you want my hand again?”

 I chuckled. I could see his glyph tattoo. I released the arm rest, and pulled my sweatshirt sleeve up, showing him my triad tattoo on my wrist. “We are kind of twins.” I said quietly. He smiled as he grabbed my hand.

 SLAM! The upper compartments opened and threw bags. I reached up to Shannon’s neck and pulled him closer to Jared and me. A giant plastic case came down, right where Shannon’s head had been.

 Jared was leaning on the wall, I was leaning on Jared, and Shannon was leaning on me. All three of us were breathing hard. I looked around at the others, Jessica was holding her head. Carly was slumped over into the aisle; her head was bleeding. “Carly!” I yelled. I went to get up out of my seat, but Jared had me by the waist. “No Emma, you can’t.” He was holding me at this point.

 Adrenaline was running through my body at this point, I broke his grip. “Carly!” I yelled again. “Shannon, help me!” Jared yelled. The brothers had their arms wrapped around me. I was sitting again. “Jared let go, I have to help her.” I said panicking. “You can’t help her if you get knocked out to. Besides the steward is helping her. Calm down baby.” Jared said, gripping my handfuls of my hair.

 Shudder.

 The tears spilled over. He pulled me to his chest, “What did you call me?” I had suddenly realized what he had said.

 I was practically in his lap. Jared’s left hand was in the middle of my back and his right was tangled in my hair. Shannon had a rough grip on my waist, holding me down. My headphones were around my neck and you could hear ‘Alibi’ blasting.

 JUMP.

 I cried out, as did everyone else. Except for the two brothers holding me.

 Shannon moved closer and took the headphones and slipped them into my ears. He slipped his arms up further, I reached up and grabbed onto one muscled bicep. His head was resting on my shoulder.

 Slam. Jump. Shudder.

 The lights flickered. Suddenly the oxygen masks dropped. Shannon grabbed his and slipped it on. Jared followed suit. I could hear people crying, and screaming. I covered my ears. Jared and Shannon helped me get my mask on. Jared made the same motion with his hands, wanting me to keep eye contact with him. Shannon and Jared were holding my arms.

 The lights went out.

 Em! Em! Emma! Someone is yelling my name. I opened my eyes. I was in the airport, SeaTac.

 “Emma, come on! We are boarding.” My friend Jessica said. I had fallen asleep on the floor by our gate. It was all a fucking dream…are you kidding me?

 As we made our way to our seats, past the people in first class, that’s when I heard it….

 “Hey nice hoodie.” Jared said.

 I looked to my right. Jared Leto. “Thanks.” I whispered.

[thecourtreportersportedjorts]

Top 10 Best Hit Songs of 2017

In December of each year, Billboard publishes its list of the 100 biggest hit songs of the last 12 months. In response, I take it upon myself to decide which of these songs were the real hits, and which were the biggest misses. Last week, I tackled the worst, so here are the best. Let’s get started:

10. “Love Galore” by SZA feat. Travis Scott

When I see a fellow New Jersey artist rising up the charts and building a name for themselves, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m a little too quick to douse them in praise. In 2015, I did it for Fetty Wap and Charlie Puth before they respectively waned in relevance and proceeded to pump out some of the decade’s worst music. SZA grew up mere minutes away from me, and after a few years just shy of the spotlight, she finally released her critically beloved debut album Ctrl in June. I took a few months to finally get to it, but once I listened to it, I found a beautifully produced, unflinchingly sincere record that delves into the nuances of youth, romance, mental health, and the various ways they intersect.

I wouldn’t even consider “Love Galore” an immediate highlight from the record, and yet it’s still an excellent song. I do have to take a point off for Travis Scott rambling about “ass and titties” in his verse, a needlessly juvenile moment in what’s otherwise a great slice of left-of-center-but-still-grown-and-sexy R&B. Still, his verse is fine altogether, and he sounds right at home over ThankGod4Cody’s production, which is built on off-kilter, reverb-soaked percussion and analog synths that aren’t too far removed from the Stranger Things score.

This is all well and good, but SZA steals the show all on her own, exploring the complications of reconvening with a former fling. There’s a core of darkness to the lyrics, making passing references to Valium and fetishes as she zeroes in on her partner’s seeming infidelity, but she can nevertheless enjoy the situation as “long as [they] got love.” And in a year chock full of godawful vocals excused for their “authenticity,” it’s so refreshing to hear a singer in the mainstream who sounds both organic and skilled. While I may not like this quite as much as “The Weekend” or “Drew Barrymore” or “20 Something,” it’s no less worth your time.

9. “Passionfruit” by Drake

It’s easy for me to start this entry the same way I did for “Too Good” last year, addressing how “Passionfruit” was a diamond in the relative rough of the lopsided More Life “playlist.” While there is some truth to that assessment, More Life is still a noticeable improvement over last year’s uncomfortable, overhyped VIEWS. Sure, it’s still questionable to hear Drizzy put on another new accent (I’d personally like to hear him attempt a Russian accent), but his curation of global sounds is sharper and more generous than ever, and with the exception of truly annoying cuts like “Nothings Into Somethings,” the lyrics are a lot less patronizing this time around. Despite this net positive, it still remains that “Passionfruit” is easily More Life’s best offering, and perhaps Drake’s best single since “Hold On, We’re Going Home.”

For one, “Passionfruit” is built on the same sort of subdued, late-night disco groove that made “Hold On” an instant classic. But the song goes for a stark contrast from the 2013 smash’s optimistic hookup, which is mirrored by the somber minor chords, gorgeous, muted synths, and what is apparently the manipulated sound of a flute. With the tempos of his songs seemingly dropping by the year, it’s good to hear Drake over something with a more propulsive groove again, and yet it still manages to mesh with his trademark atmospherics.

Of course, the lyrical content will always be the most contentious part of any Drake song, and it’s understandable to read “Passionfruit” as yet another retread of “Hotline Bling.” But where that song may have precariously toed the line between genuine concern and alarming possessiveness, the lyrics land a lot more comfortably this time. Even a lyric like “you got issues that I won’t mention” works far better as he seems to finally understand the consequences behind his words and his actions. The end result is Drake at his finest, low-key and calm while still navigating through the most challenging of emotions.

8. “Castle on the Hill” by Ed Sheeran

Now I know this pick will likely come as a surprise to anyone who saw my previous list, where I gave Ed Sheeran the thorough bashing he deserved. I ragged on him for his appearance, his awkward lyricism and his uninspired compositions. I’m sick of the guy at this point, but that’s because I genuinely want to like him. Ed has always shown a genuine talent for crafting songs with memorable hooks and interesting concepts, so doling out plodding love ballads like “Photograph” and cringeworthy radio ploys like “Shape of You” feels like the biggest possible waste of potential. So as tired as I am of hearing songs like these in 2017, “Castle on the Hill” was good enough to remind me why I cared in the first place.

If I could sum up the sound of “Castle on the Hill” in one sentence, it’d be that it sounds like what that mediocre last Mumford and Sons album wanted to be. Built on an insistent drum groove, warm bass, ghostly organs and guitar strumming that hurts my wrist just listening to it, the verses build up to a triumphant chorus indebted to Springsteen and U2. This is one of Sheeran’s more directly rock-flavored endeavors, so his aggressive howls on the chorus sound a lot better here than on “Thinking Out Loud,” and even his falsetto sounds more vivacious than usual.

And in the midst of an album cycle dominated by anonymous songs about sex and TV montage fodder that even Queen B couldn’t salvage, “Castle on the Hill” is the only (good) single that showcases Sheeran’s distinctive songwriting flair. It’s essentially a song about growing up, but where Lukas Graham got it all wrong, this song gets it right. Like on “7 Years,” Ed recounts his younger, troublesome self, running from authority and drinking with his friends. The difference is that he learns from his mistakes, thanks to the people and the town he was sought to defy in the first place. It’s the kind of vivid songwriting that Sheeran excels at, and if he keeps at it (which is a real possibility), he might very well regain a lost fan.

7. “HUMBLE.” by Kendrick Lamar / “LOYALTY.” by Kendrick Lamar feat. Rihanna

As I stated in my previous list, it’s been really interesting to see what the Billboard charts look like with streaming becoming a bigger part of the equation. I already addressed how album tracks can perform just as well as lower-tier singles. Kendrick Lamar’s excellent fourth album DAMN. boasts the best first week streaming numbers of any album released in 2017, and as a result, multiple cuts from the album remained on the charts for weeks on end. “ELEMENT.” and current single “LOVE.” charted high enough that if they had received the proper push as singles, I would probably be talking about them alongside the two singles that actually made the year end Hot 100, chart-topping “HUMBLE.” and the Rihanna collaboration “LOYALTY.”

“HUMBLE.” was the first proper taste of DAMN., which admittedly took some time to grow on me. Sure, the blisteringly sparse, piano-driven beat by Mike Will Made It commands direct attention to Kendrick’s coded, throne-claiming bars, but it’s a far cry from the rich history and experimentation that made To Pimp a Butterfly an all-time great rap album. Still, it’s important to remember that Kendrick - at least when he’s trying - infuses his songs with some really heady subtext. It’s easy to interpret this as K-Dot proving that he can do trap just as well as Future or Migos, if not better thanks to his skillful lyricism. In the context of DAMN., it’s also a warning from the Compton rapper to himself to not let his remarkable success eclipse his message or his roots. Coupled with an instantly memorable hook and quotables like “my left stroke just went viral,” “HUMBLE.” is a well-deserved first #1 for Kendrick.

Like its predecessor, followup single “LOYALTY.” is fairly skeletal in its production, based around a warped sample of “24K Magic” (of all things!). This time, Kendrick teams up with Rihanna, who continues to prove that she can come through with an impressive flow after “Bitch Better Have My Money” and “Needed Me.” The pair explore loyalty in regards to one’s friendships, relationships, faith and ambitions, creatively quoting Jay-Z and Ol’ Dirty Bastard in the process. While the lyrical content is certainly worthwhile, the main takeaway is that Kendrick and Rihanna have truly fantastic musical chemistry, which becomes all the more apparent when they trade bars during the verses. Like “HUMBLE.,” this track is further evidence that even with sights set squarely on the mainstream, Kendrick always aims high.

6. “Bodak Yellow” by Cardi B

When compiling these lists, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the critical acclaim or the social value a song might have. This works both ways - maybe this is what influenced me to place “7 Years” and “Treat You Better” as high I did on my worst list last year. But when Cardi B’s breakout single “Bodak Yellow” became the first single from a solo female rapper to top the Billboard Hot 100 since Lauryn Hill in 1998, I immediately wondered: is it a worthy successor? Considering how many critical outlets have named “Bodak Yellow” one of the best songs of the year (including Pitchfork and The Washington Post, who both named it the best song of the year), a lot of people seem to think so. And even though I wasn’t totally sold on the song at first, I’m now more than happy to join that chorus, because this song is fucking awesome.

In one of her legendary interviews, Cardi has stated that the title “Bodak Yellow” is a reference to rapper and awful human being Kodak Black, whose flow on “No Flockin” serves as the foundation for Cardi’s song. Unsurprisingly, she does an infinitely better job with his flow, not only because she doesn’t sound like she’s having an asthma attack, but because she also delivers each bar with such boundless energy. Unlike Kodak, she also knows when to switch up her flow, capping off both verses with an impressive, Migos-esque (!) flow. A lot of hip hop traditionalists might deride “Bodak Yellow” for a lack of originality, but it’s not about who did it first, it’s about who did it right.

Even the production on “Bodak Yellow” stands out from the trap pack. Sure, it’s built on a simplistic 3-note melody, but it alternates between octaves, creating an alluring sense of unease against the changing hi-hat progressions. But what really surprises is how restrained the song first seems in its low end, using the trademark sub bass kicks fairly conservatively. It gives you the impression that it’s building up to something, and then it happens: as Cardi speeds up her flow, the kicks return in full force, resulting in one of the hardest-hitting moments rap had to offer in 2017. In a year where women deserved so much better, Cardi B is a true force of good, proving that she can go harder than so many of her male contemporaries.

5. “I Feel It Coming” by The Weeknd feat. Daft Punk

If you’ve read any of my lists in the past two years, you probably felt this coming (pun very obviously intended). I’ve raved about The Weeknd so much since then that writing a fifth (sixth if you include “The Hills” from my honorable mentions in 2015) entry about him probably scans as blind fandom or ass-kissing. Truth be told, his 2013 major label debut Kiss Land hasn’t exactly aged well, and Starboy was an overlong, frequently redundant affair with occasional flashes of innovation. But the latter album’s closing track, “I Feel It Coming,” feels like a major change of pace, and perhaps a premonition of The Weeknd’s future.

Like the previous single, the chart-topping title track from Starboy, “I Feel It Coming” is yet another collaboration with famed French house duo. While “Starboy” sounded a lot like the duo’s own “Doin’ It Right,” a collab with Animal Collective’s Panda Bear and a notable outlier on Random Access Memories, this song is more akin to the warm, nostalgic disco that dominated the rest of that album. Hell, the robots even use their trademark vocoders on their own voices this time! As unstoppable as the groove of “Can’t Feel My Face” is to this day, never has Abel sung over something that sounded so happy.

Fortunately, he seems up to the challenge of matching this energy. Normally, The Weeknd albums end on a dour note - even the bombastic “Angel” was profoundly melancholic. In one of his most effortless vocal performances to date, Abel shows that he is finally ready to commit to a serious relationship. And while the potent sexuality is still right there in the goddamn title, it comes across as a moment of real, unadulterated joy rather than simply going through the motions of tour life. The Weeknd has proven time and time again that he can switch up his sound and still come through with smash hits, and if “I Feel It Coming” is any indication, that’s not changing any time soon.

4. “Redbone” by Childish Gambino

Holy shit, have I been waiting for this. I’m not necessarily talking about “Redbone,” Childish Gambino’s greatest success to date, but rather that success in and of itself. Like so many people, I discovered Donald Glover’s hip hop project after enjoying him as Troy in NBC’s Community, one of my all-time favorite TV shows. But despite his knack for solid hooks, colorful instrumentals and outright hilarious bars, it always felt like he was close to breaking into the mainstream without ever getting there. Maybe it was the polarized critical response to Camp or the obtuse production of Because the Internet, but it was only with last year’s funk departure “Awaken, My Love!” that his music clicked more universally.

“Redbone” wasn’t that album’s lead single, but it was by far its most successful, charting for nearly a whole year and peaking just outside Billboard’s Top 10. Arguably, it’s the weirdest hit song we’ve had this year: weird enough that it spawned one of the year’s more creative memes. As a whole, the song maintains a rare balance of paranoia and sensuality, the former of which is felt instantly with the intro’s distant strings and gently thumping kicks. But any sense of dread is mitigated by the slap bass, glockenspiel and the generally lush atmosphere. With perhaps the exception of SZA, mainstream R&B in 2017 hasn’t sounded this organic and alluring, even with the inclusion of the crunchy guitar leads or the muted, creepy-as-fuck background vocals in the intro.

Amidst all the window-dressing, this is still undoubtedly Donald Glover’s song, and his vocal and lyrical contributions capture the same balance just as exquisitely. Many have pointed out that he doesn’t even sound much like himself on “Redbone,” rather emulating Macy Gray’s trademark rasp. Despite the obvious point of influence, it’s still one of the many vocal performances on “Awaken, My Love!” that oozes with color and personality. It doesn’t distract from the unsettling lyrics, though, which double down on Gambino’s oft-critiqued insecurities about relationships and racial identity, but through a more mature and knowing lens, with a chilling mantra of “stay woke.”

And while it didn’t have an impact on its placement on this list, the particular case of the song’s success is worth celebrating. “Redbone” first charted out of anticipation for the album, but it returned to the hit parade thanks to its masterful use in Jordan Peele’s excellent film Get Out. Then came the memes, where the song was sung by various characters and played from a range of different spaces. It had a distinctive sound that somehow suited it to both uses, thus making it Glover’s highest charting song. This is the rare case where a great song isn’t rejected for its idiosyncrasies, but instead rightfully embraced.

3. “Slide” by Calvin Harris feat. Frank Ocean and Migos

But then again, Childish Gambino wasn’t the only one finding long-overdue chart success this year. Obviously, I’m not referring to Calvin Harris or Migos - the former has been pumping out hits since the turn of the decade to diminishing returns, and the latter had a banner year in 2017, with their very good single “Bad and Boujee” topping the Hot 100 for three weeks. “Slide” was partially Frank Ocean’s affair, too. After last year’s excellent, understated Blonde seemingly rebuked any desire for conventional pop stardom, the R&B crooner and former Odd Future affiliate proved that he can still write a fantastic pop song that can stick with just about anyone.

What’s particularly interesting about Frank’s contributions to “Slide” is that they aren’t even far removed from the music on Blonde. He still favors a more low-key vocal delivery, and he still manages to draw compelling character portraits in his lyrics. This time, it’s about a one-night stand where the protagonist isn’t so much interested in the sex itself, but vicariously living their partner’s more opulent lifestyle, referencing jewelery and Picasso’s famous Garçon à la pipe painting. But there’s still an underlying feeling of emptiness, exemplified in the line “wrist on a wrist, a link of charms, yeah / laying, we’re still a link apart.”

Complicated emotional situations have always been a characteristic of Ocean’s lyricism, for which he sets the scene with details that frequently read as non-sequiturs. But what makes “Slide” particularly interesting is how everybody else around him is up to the same task. Quavo and Offset of Migos appear for two insanely catchy and energetic verses, but the content feels peripheral to the established theme of the song. But these guys are part of one of the most in-demand rap acts of the year, so for Frank’s character to be rubbing shoulders with them does more to establish the scene. “Slide” is also further evidence of Offset’s skillful, malleable flow, and if his recent joint album with 21 Savage is any indication, he has great potential as a solo artist.

But what about Calvin Harris, the main artist responsible for this song? “Slide” was the lead single for his excellent album Funk Wav Bounces Vol. 1, and served as a dramatic departure from the more conventional EDM he’d been producing for years. Sure, singles like “This Is What You Came For” and “How Deep Is Your Love” flirted with organic instrumentation and classic dance grooves, but the shimmering keys, palm-muted funk guitars, and the irresistible bassline add up to one of his best tracks to date. It’s a perfect summer song that provides an opulent backdrop for Frank and Migos, and it still sounds fantastic in the dead of winter.

2. “DNA.” by Kendrick Lamar

Don’t think I forgot about this one. Over the course of this year’s lists, I’ve already gone on multiple times about the impact of streaming on the year-end charts. All of this is especially true when it comes to “DNA.,” the first full track from DAMN. Despite receiving an incredible music video starring Don Cheadle, it was never released as a single. And considering the aggression on display, as well as the lack of a real hook, why would it be? Nevertheless, thanks to Kendrick Lamar’s staggering popularity on streaming services, it landed a respectable spot midway on the year-end Hot 100. It’s another landmark worth discussing, but more importantly, “DNA.” is just a goddamn incredible song.

Rather than just dissecting the individual components of the song, I’m going to do my best to explain “DNA.” in a more linear fashion. Kendrick breaks through the gate in full-force, once again accompanied by Mike Will’s hard-hitting blend of trap drums, warped synths and ominous guitar loops. The first half of the song can be boiled down to K-Dot asserting that he was born for his current status as a rap god, even comparing his own birth to the immaculate conception. He recalls all his struggles growing up, living in the projects of Compton and encountering all the “murder, conviction, burners, booster, burglars, ballers,” etc. the city had to offer, crossing everything off as effortlessly as one would do for a shopping list.

Then, “DNA.” nears its two-minute mark. After a dazzling extended verse packed with personal detail, a sample of sleazy Fox-News-correspondent-cum-sexual-harrasser Geraldo Rivera actively dismisses Kendrick’s self-justification. He claims that Kendrick exemplifies everything wrong with young black culture in an unabashed show of victim-blaming. Then another sample comes in: the countdown from Freedom 7’s takeoff in 1961. As this happens, Kendrick speeds up his flow, and the beat changes, leading into what might be one of the greatest musical moments of the decade.

At this point, the production becomes even more sparse and dissonant, built mainly on a Rick James sample and the thickest, most face-melting sub bass imaginable. K-Dot offers an intense, well-deserved rebuttal to the thinly-veiled bullshit his critics ever-so-gleefully dole out. He knows that his success was earned through blood, sweat and tears, not “sex, money, murder,” and proceeds to “[curve] all the fakes” and others who seek to undermine him or his message. In an age where Donald Trump and the GOP have been nearly given carte blanche to oppress whoever the hell they want on any given day, it’s so cathartic to hear some resistance to their rhetoric in our popular music, especially when it’s this stunningly well-crafted.

And, just like last time, before I unveil my pick for the best hit song of 2017, here are eight honorable mentions:

“XO Tour Llif3″ by Lil Uzi Vert: “XO Tour Llif3” marks the first time Uzi’s music truly connected with me, capturing both the hedonism and the mental trauma he experienced while on tour with The Weeknd atop a fittingly off-kilter beat. His vocals are among the most impassioned I’ve heard all year, making the decision to nudge this off the list in favor of SZA a particularly tough one.

“1-800-273-8255″ by Logic feat. Alessia Cara and Khalid: Speaking of mental trauma, Logic’s breakout hit exists to lend a hand to those dealing with suicidal feelings. It sees the rapper and guest Alessia Cara acting respectively as a caller and a receptionist for the titular suicide hotline. Top that off with dramatic string swells and Khalid’s potent outro, and you have a song whose impact can’t be undermined, even by the shouts of “who can relate?”

“Sign of the Times” by Harry Styles: This is undoubtedly the best solo single to come out of the 1D camp, a power ballad reminiscent of David Bowie’s best that nails the particular desire to escape that we’ve all felt at some point this year. Cut the runtime by about a minute and you’ve got the perfect template for what mainstream rock should sound like in years to come, rather than whatever commercial filler comes from Imagine Dragons.

“Mask Off” by Future: I wasn’t wild about Future’s decision to release two overlong albums in the span of a week, but both albums had their highlights, and “Mask Off” was one of them. The beautiful “Prison Song” sample is the closest thing to old school hip hop in the mainstream this year, and Future delivers a sticky hook and the sort of secretly personal lyrics that have become his forte.

“Black Beatles” by Rae Sremmurd feat. Gucci Mane: Mike Will Made It hit a stride of excellence between “Formation” and “DNA,” and this song was caught in the middle of that period, boasting a dark, pounding beat topped with alien synths that sounded like little else in the Hot 100. Rae Sremmurd and Gucci Mane don’t really do much different from the norm, but the hook has an insanely catchy melody, and I’ll take anything over “Swang” at this point.

“That’s What I Like” by Bruno Mars: Look, pretty much everybody was hopping onto the trap bandwagon this year, but Bruno Mars made the sound his own by incorporating more organic percussion and a classic soul chord progression. The same goes for the lyrics about “strawberry champagne on ice” and “everything 24 karats.” You know, because the album and its lead single were both called “24K Magic”...

“Love on the Brain” by Rihanna: It’s the final single from Rihanna’s great comeback album Anti, and while I still think “Kiss It Better” should have been a lot bigger than it was, this is a perfectly fine piece of retro soul. 2016 was the end of the Meghan Trainor era, so it was only fitting that we ushered the new year in with what a song of hers might sound like if it were any good.

“Green Light” by Lorde: This didn’t make the year end Hot 100, so by my own arbitrary rules, I can’t formally include it, so I’ll just include it in the honorable mentions out of spite. How the fuck was this not a hit?

And now, for what I consider to be the best hit song of 2017:

1. “Praying” by Kesha

When I wrote my entry on the loathsome waste of space known as Kodak Black, I introduced it by addressing that content doesn’t exist without context. Sure, “Tunnel Vision” is a thoroughly unpleasant listening experience, but what makes it all the more abhorrent is how he lackadaisically prods at the very real allegations against him, all the while taunting those who want to see him lose. While that song is a very unfortunate reminder that rape culture is very much a real thing, it’s at least comforting to see a song from the other side of the spectrum.

Of the few criticisms I’ve seen of Kesha’s triumphant comeback single “Praying,” the only one that comes close to holding any water is if the song would hit nearly as hard if the details of the singer’s abuse at the hands of human shitstain producer Dr. Luke weren’t so well publicized. But for me, a song of this caliber can’t really be performed - let alone written - without this kind of experience. Over somber piano chords, Kesha recounts the feelings of uselessness and trickery she felt under Luke’s wing, only to overcome these feelings and make herself stronger as the haunting mellotron swells behind her. Her message is made all the more stark in the line “I hope you find your peace fallin’ on your knees.”

If this were all “Praying” was, I’d still adore it for its bold sincerity, but what certifies this song as the best of the year is the way the song builds. About halfway through the second verse, Kesha’s voice leaps an octave, and her tone shifts from vulnerable to utterly strident. Gradually, strings, backing vocals, pounding drums and horns enter the fold, giving way to the deeply moving second repeat of the chorus. And then the bridge happens, and after her crushing conclusion that “some things only God can forgive,” she lets out the note heard around the world. Though Kesha’s brand was established on semi-satirical autotune pop, it’s this moment that proves all her detractors horribly wrong in their assertion that she had “no talent.”

And while the high note is remarkable in and of its self, its potency is matched by the very end of the song, where the music fades away. As Kesha delivers her final lines, you can hear her crying as she steps away from the microphone. This moment is one of the rawest concentrations of lived-in emotion I’ve heard in the mainstream in years, and all the more evidence that this is real. Some people might call “Praying” the best Adele song that she never sang, but this is Kesha’s story. Unfortunately, it’s the story of far too many women in our society as well, but as more and more powerful men are being exposed and cancelled for their unacceptable treatment of women, this song couldn’t exist at a better time.

Thank you for reading! I’m considering writing about my favorite albums of the year, so if you’d like to see something like that, please let me know!

[lady-une]

Chapter 1

 Sarah

 The days are getting colder and I’m loving it!

 I thought as I was getting ready to head to the club. It’s my first night off in months and here I am still going back to my job. I let a little laugh out at that stupidity of the thought. I clasp shut the handcuff on my belt and put the keys around my neck. I take one quick look in the mirror. I thought I looked cute, nothing to write home about but I was average I guess. I was 5’3 about 125lbs with a lovely tan to my skin and brown curly hair that is at the moment a little lighter from being kissed by the sun. Tonight I opted to be a little exotic with my eyes, I didn’t want to see the dull ever boring brown in my pictures. Instead I put in my ice blue contacts that made my eyes not super icy but a nice looking blue. I grabbed my bag and walked out of my apartment locking the door and heading off to the club. Tonight would be interesting, since it was my first night off in forever I planned on having some drinks and just letting loose. The only thing I worried about was my boss who was also my father figure trying to weasel me into working on my day off. It wouldn’t surprise me if he called me to break up a fight or to help behind the bar if it got crazy, but if he did he better be prepared to pay up. I had a new tattoo I have been putting off for awhile because it was going to cost me big time, not nearly as much as the one on my back but still would cost a pretty penny.

 It didn’t take long for my uber to pull up in front of the club. I looked up at the flashing neon lights “dragon kiss” not a very interesting name to be honest but the inside is what kept people coming back for more. The loud music could be heard outside and you could feel the buzz in the air from the base in the song. I skipped the long line and went right up to my friend manning the door and waved at him as I walked in. Working here had its perks obviously, no need to wait in a line that could only get longer. It has gone around the corner a few times with people trying to get in during a special performance night. I walked into the back beyond the employee only door to the locker area. I waved at the people working and stashed my bag, there was no need for an ID or cash since employees can have an open tab and pay at the end of the night without leaving their card. I walked back out and right to the bar.

 “Hey sexy lady how about a drink?”

I yelled out to one of my only best friends Hua, she was a small girl about my height with lots of spunk. She bounced over to me with her hot pink hair spiked up making her look like she was recently shocked by an outlet or something.

 “Isn’t tonight your night off Sarah? What the hell are you even doing here?”

“You know me I can never escape this place. I wanted to have fun and well this is one of the best night clubs in my area. Now how about my drink? Give me a double of tequila with some salt and a lime.”

“Starting off strong with a double eh.” She shakes her head as she grabs a glass and my sweet sweet lover jose. She fills the glass up and puts it down with my salt and lime.

“Hey just don’t be switching up your booze, stick to one or you will be sick tomorrow.”

 I wave her off while I lick my hand to prep it for the salt. I wasn’t dumb, I knew if I moved from tequila to something else I would be super hungover tomorrow. I down my shot and I could feel the burn slowly warming me up. I blew her a kiss and made my way to the dance floor. It was about 930 and the place was already packed for it being a Friday night. People were bumping into each other as they let their bodies move to the music. I felt bad for the people waiting in line outside because I doubt they will see the inside of this place tonight.

 Before I knew it I felt a pair of strong arms come up from behind me and snake their way around my waist. I could smell the stench of beer coming off the man behind me when he whispered in my ear how sexy I was. I rolled my eyes and pulled away from him.

 “No thanks.”

 I moved around on the dance floor dancing with some regulars who recognized me. I was enjoying myself so much listening to the music and feeling the base vibrate through my body. I loved music, I really did. Most of the time you would find me humming or singing along with the music, I have notebooks full of lyrics that just come to me throughout the day. I slowly made my way towards the DJ booth where my other best friend Park was currently blasting the music.

 “Park you sexy bastard how are you?”

“Sarah what the hell are you even doing here?” “I missed your face and decided to come see you!” I laughed as I climbed up into the booth and sat on the bench behind him.

“If I were you I would be at home sleeping because tomorrow is going to be insane!”

 I nodded, I knew that’s what I should be doing. He was right tomorrow was going to be insane since it was a performance night. Not just any kind of performance night like how we would have with the locals. No this was a big time show that sold out in a matter of minutes. It was Jay fucking Park and his AOMG crew coming to perform a few songs. Jay was trying to get his boys names out there in the Asian communities’ state side. This was his last stop before him and the boys flew back to Korea. To say I was excited would be an understatement, I fucking adored Jay and his boys. They were obviously good looking but it was their voices that really drew me in, the music they put out was just amazing!

 “Hey since you are here how about you do a little MC work? The boss wants to get everyone hyped for tomorrow, not like its needed but whatever. He wanted me to have a little karaoke sing off with some of the patrons tonight. Let them pick a song and have the audience pick who is the best. What do you say? Will you help me out? I really don’t want to do the music and MC it.”

 I knew someone would ask me to work tonight. I closed my eyes and just chuckled at his question. He knew I wasn’t going to say no, I am always one to help out. Maybe it’s because I was the youngest one here out of the employees or it was because it’s just in my nature to help others.

 “Sure Park I will help yeah out, but call over Chu and have him bring me another double of tequila. I’m not getting up there without something in my system.”

“Sure thing Sarah, just watch your intake. I’m not carrying your ass home tonight.”

 We both laughed because he knew damn well that if I was shit faced by the end of the night he was in fact carrying my ass home and making sure I was in bed safely. Chu came over quickly with my order and I downed it quickly without my normal salt and lime. The dj booth and stage were connect and you could easily just swing down from the booth onto the stage. This is what I did and Park handed me a mic. He turned down the music so he could speak and the crowd got quieter.

 “Hey sexy people!!!! Y’all having a good time?”

 The crowd yelled out with happiness.

 “That’s what I like to hear. Are you excited for tomorrow? Jay fucking park and his AOMG crew will be LIVE on this very stage tomorrow!!”

 The crowd this time exploded with cheers and people jumping around.

 “Yeah that’s what I thought, I know I’m excited for this! So to get us in the spirit for tomorrow we are doing a little contest. Whoever wins tonight gets the full VIP treatment tomorrow! No waiting in that long ass line and you get a VIP room with bottle service on the house! What do you think about that?”

 I thought the crowd was crazy before but this time it was even more crazy with the cheers and hollering and they had no idea what they even had to do yet.

 “I know it’s an awesome prize! But if you want this prize you need to sing you heart out! Yup that’s right it’s a singing contest! The winner will be chosen by you the crowd! To help with this we talked everyone’s favorite spit fire Sarah to MC this little contest! It’s her day off and she still came to grace us with her presence, so let’s show her some love!”

 I walked out and gave a sweet little curtsy to the crowd.

 “What’s up chi town!! Some of you might know me as the ever popular bartender and some of you unfortunate people might know me as the spit fire who is hauling you out to the cops when you get to rowdy!”

 The crowd laughed as I emphasized cops by tugging on my handcuffs that held my belt together.

 “Now let’s get to the rules. We will have two women and two men up here. Each of you will go and let Park know what song you will sing and he will que it up for you. You will have the stage to yourself to do what you want. Please just don’t be taking off all your clothes, save that for the strip club. Everyone will have two minutes to sing their song and do their thing, so keep that in mind when you pick your song. After everyone completes their song it will be up to the rest of you to cheer your heart out for your favorite! To make this fare I ask that anyone who wants to take part please come put your name on a slip of paper and I will pick the two random ladies and guys for the contest. You have 10 minutes to get your name on a piece of paper.”

 With that Park turned the music back up and I sat on the edge of the stage taking names and putting them into a bowl for the ladies and for the guys. The 10 minutes was almost up and Park only had one more song to go. Park knew my love of the AOMG boys so of course he had to throw on a song and I couldn’t help but sing along with it. Bouncing around in my spot as I took names singing every now and then. The song ended and I got up from my spot and took the bowls and danced my way towards the middle of the stage and sat the bowls down.

 “Make some noise for our very own dancer. SARAH!”

 I laughed but went with it, I knew most of the songs dance moves and just had some fun with it. The crow was whooping and hollering for me and it fueled me on. I wont lie, I love the feeling I get whenever I’m on a stage. It’s an adrenaline rush really and the more cheering I hear the better the feeling. The music got quieter again and I knew it was time to pick our 4 contestants.

 “Hell yeah that was fun! I hope you’re ready to have some fun to cause it’s time to pick our 4 names!!! Let’s let the ladies go first, now I don’t want any sour faces if your name doesn’t get picked!”

 I picked up the girls bowl and stuck my hand in making sure to mix all the names around a few times. I grabbed two slips of paper and put the bowl down.

 “Ok ladies here it is the two lucky ladies for the night! First off we have Lin Chang, come on up here Lin Chang!!!”

 A very energetic woman who I assumed was Lin Chang rushed towards the stage with a fruity drink in hand. She walked up the stairs and stood by me downing her drink.

 “Hey Lin you excited for tonight?”

 She grabbed my mic and tried to bounce away with it while she yelled a big hell yeah towards the crowd. I quickly grabbed my mic back before she could get to far with it.

 “Good to hear Lin. Now for the next lucky lady we have Sue Smith! Sue Smith get your lucky ass down here!”

 A woman dressed in the tightest pair of pants I have ever seen came strutting to the stage like she owned it. I knew she would be a favorite for most of the men in the crowd, those pants looked like they were a second layer of skin on her. She winked and blew a kiss to the crowd earning her some whistles and hoots from the males in the club. I just shook my head and grabbed the other bowl that held the guy names.

 “Now that we have are two ladies lets pick the guys for tonight!! Ladies while I do that go and let DJ Park know what song you want for tonight, remember you only get two minutes!”

 I mixed the bowl and quickly picked two names. This contest was already becoming too long and I wanted to get back to my night off. Park is so going to owe me for this! I thought as I glanced in his direction. I sat the bowl down and prepared to announce the two guys.

 “Let’s get this going shall we, the night is still young and we all have some fun that needs to be had! Let’s have Mike Kang and Daniel Nam come down to the stage. Let’s go boys!”

 The guy named Mike came rushing the stage, he was average height but a little on the chubby side. The guy name Daniel was tall and you could tell he hit the gym every day.

 “Alright we have our lucky 4, the ladies are all set with their songs so they will go first. Boys if you could go do the same and let DJ Park know what songs you want that would be great. Lin come stand here and Sue stay by the DJ for now.”

 Lin walked over to me with that liquid courage still running strong and grabbed the second mic from me.

 “Hey DJ Park drop that beat.”

 SISTAR “touch my body” started to blast through the speakers and the ever energetic Lin started to dance around the stage having the time of her life! I was at the other end of the stage from the DJ booth just enjoying the show. She had some good dance moves but that liquid courage she has going for her was also causing her to slur her words making the ever popular pop song sound off. The buzzer rang at the end of the two minutes and I walked back to the center.

 “Woot woot Lin has some moves on her! Lin go walk over to the guys and lets have Sue come on out and show us what she is working with. “

 Once Sue was at the center CL “Baddest Female” started up. I shook my head because I knew where this was going. She was going to use her sexiness to win this crowd over. Poor Lin had no chance in hell against Sue. I had to admit she did have a nice voice but the tightness of the pants limited her ability to really dance. The guys especially liked it when she got on all fours and started to hump to the floor. Thankfully the buzzer went off because I could see this going bad when she started to pull at the hem of her shirt.

 “Hey hey hey Sue, keep that for the strip joints. Let’s give a round of applause for Sue. Sue go wait with Lin and let’s have Mike come out here.”

 Once Mike was at the center ZICO “Eureka” played and the crowd loved it! Mike could sing and the boy could dance. He was working the crowd with his moves and his quick tongue action not missing a single word. I was even getting into it dancing a little bit on the stage. The buzzer went off again and I thanked Mike and welcomed Daniel to the stage. His song of choice was Sik-K “Habibi”. This boy better know what he is doing because this happened to be one of my favorites of his. I was kind of surprised he picked a slower song but he had the body to pull off some of the sexier moves. The guy all of sudden turned towards me and started dancing his way towards me. He grabbed onto me and pulled me into the dance having me grind right back onto his knee that was between my legs. I knew he was a good dancer and maybe it was the booze but I was really feeling this dance.

 “Woo when I found ya lips fuckin wet and I start to kiss im like French im like damn”

 I just about lost it when he winked at me after that verse. He let me go and I just stood there dumb founded at what just happened. This boy knew what he was doing that’s for damn sure. I kept moving with the song now that I was alone again at my end of the stage. Everyone was so into the song that no one was watching the clock, his two minutes were up and finally the buzzer sounded but he kept going.

 “yeah habibi habibi really, you nasty don’t swallow my kids”

 The males in the crows especially liked that he was able to finish that part.

 “ok ok now Daniel, don’t be putting that business out there.”

 I gave him a quick pat on the back and everyone laughed.

 “So people what did you think of our lucky 4? Can you pick a winner?”

 The crowd cheered on. I put my hand over each of the contestants giving the crowd a chance to pick their winner. As I thought the two with the least amount of cheers was Lin and Mike while the ones with the most were Sue and Daniel. I thanked Lin and Mike and asked them to step back. I had Sue on my left and Daniel on my right. I asked the crowd if Sue was the winner and they all cheered and clapped. I then asked them if Daniel was their winner and the crowd erupted with their cheers and the winner was chosen. I thanked Sue for participating and grabbed Daniel’s hand raising it in the air and crowning him the winner of the night.

 “There yeah have it people! We have the winner for the VIP night tomorrow. Daniel my man make your way to the boss man by the bar so he can get your contact info and whatever else he needs. Ladies and gentlemen lets hear it for our little spit fire Sarah who looks like she herself had a little fun! How about you give us your own two minutes of a song, I have the perfect one for you!”

 The crowd cheered at Park’s idea but I shook my head ready to get back to my night.

 “Oh come on Sarah, boss man says he will make it worth your effort.”

 I looked towards the bar where my father figure gave two thumbs up and moved his fingers together telling me I will have some cash coming my way for playing along.

 “Fine, fine. You all win. Park you better not have picked something dirty!”

 The crowd cheered in excitement and crush’s “give it to me” came on. I mentally made a note to kick Park’s ass later that night when this was over with. The lights got a little dark and a red hue was added to them. That man was going all out for this and probably having fun at my expense. I just went with it. Slowly moving my body with the music making sure my moves matched the music and lyrics.

 “Gonna take you on a ride. Our Skin will touch tonight. Forget about your man for a moment, ooo baby. Lying is bad so I will blame it on the alcohol. Start by taking your clothes, I wanna melt your body.”

The crowd was loving it! I made sure to do some turns and to give the crowd some attention. I slowly did some body rolls and made sure I dragged my free hand from my breast all the way down to my crotch. I walked down the stage and went into the crowd, they cheered even louder when I did that and started to sing to some ladies in the crowd. I almost dropped my mic when jay’s verse came on and it wasn’t the track vocals that was coming through. Myself and the crowd looked back towards the stage and saw none other than Jay park dropping from behind the DJ booth.

“Welcome to my bed, baby. Welcome me in between your legs, baby. Tonight, I’ll be your teacher, baby (let’s get it on). Let’s start with some simple math, baby (oh year). First, take off your clothes. Second, separate your smooth legs. Me plus you is a hot night, a sexy night. I’ll never let you go (ooo woo oh oh oh).

Fight or flight was kicking in but I didn’t want to make a fool of myself. I was a grown ass woman and I was going to own this chance to be on stage with this sex god. I went back up and finished the song. It was so weird to be on stage with him. He oozed sex at the same time was so gentle with his touches. He pulled me into an embrace and we swayed around doing the most erotic dance I have ever done in my lifetime. His embrace was lighting my body on fire, and his smell…..was euphoric. There really was no way to describe his smell, but it only added to the fire burning inside me. If this song didn’t end the moisture between my legs was going to get into my pants and I would die right then and there. Thankfully he let me go and helped me finish out the song. I thought the crowd was loud before but this time it was so loud my ears were starting to hurt.

 “Put your hands together for Jay Park people!”

 I clapped along with the rest of the crowd when DJ Park introduced our surprise guest.

 “Thank you, thank you. I hope I didn’t interrupt. Me and the boys were stopping by to talk to your boss and I heard the song and couldn’t help it.”

 I blushed a little and my heart sped up with the fact that this man was talking to me. Me a nobody from Chicago!

 “Oh no don’t worry! Thank you so much for even coming up here. I don’t compare to the original singer but it’s always a fun song to do. I just hope you all enjoyed it!”

 I turned to the crowd in hopes they could save me. We both thanked the crowd and DJ Park turned the music back on as we walked towards his booth to turn in our mics.

 “You know you’re not bad at all with your singing and you really know how to work the crowd.”

“Um thanks Mr Park, it’s always fun being up there. But you probably already know that.”

 Lord kill me now before I make a fool of myself!

 “Please call me Jay, if you’re not doing anything how about you join me and my guys up in the VIP room?”

 What girl in her right mind would reject that offer. I shook my head and followed him towards the stairs that lead to the VIP area. I looked back towards the DJ booth and saw Park give me two thumbs up and a wink. The place was packed still but people parted like red sea for this man and cleared our way to the VIP stairs. With every step I took my heart was racing faster.

 Get yourself together Sarah! Don’t make a damn fool of yourself! Just be yourself and make sure to speak clearly and don’t forget to use the formal words if you have to speak Korean!

 Giving myself a pep talk and remembering to breath was starting to become easier. I knew exactly which room he was going to, it was the biggest one we had. I was actually the one in charge of this room on my bar tending days or when I was requested as a bouncer. I took pride in the fact that this was my room and I designed it. We walked into the room and my heart skipped a beat. Sitting down without a care in the world were my favorite Korean hip hop artists and producer. When you enter the room you are faced with a big couch that can seat 5 it’s made of leather which would be easy to clean when accidents happened. It was all black with silver stitch work that made it sparkle if the lights hit it just the right way. In front of it was a white marble coffee table that had the normal spread of bottled liquor sitting in a chiller and fruit platters laid out. On either side of the couch were winged back chairs also made of leather but these had a mahogany wood work on the arms and around the top of the chair. Sitting in the chair on the left was ChaCha Malone in all his glory, he was taller than I thought but still just as attractive. On the couch near him was Gray sipping on a glass of what looked like orange juice probably mixed with vodka. Behind the couch was Loco looking at the pictures I had displayed of previous VVIP members who have partied here. They were a mixture of fellow musicians or actors, either way it was a great display for us to have out and our way of kind of bragging about the club. I honestly hoped that I would get a picture of these guys to put on our display before they left for the night. Jay walked right in and sat down in the other winged chair across from ChaCha.

 “Hey guys this is Sarah, she works here and the one singing down there. Sarah since you sing in Korean let’s keep the conversation also in Korean for the two younger boys. Their English isn’t that good yet”

 They each said their hellos and I also said my hellos.

 “Jay I’m not sure if the person in charge of your room told you but this is actually a door.”

 I grabbed on to the door and started to slide it shut.

 “It’s actually a two-way mirror. It’s to give our guests a bit of privacy but still allowing them to enjoy things going on in the club.”

 They looked surprised at this and I knew I was going to have to talk to whoever was in charge of the room on my day off. I figured if they didn’t talk about the door then they probably didn’t talk about the rest of the room. I walked over to the tv behind Jay and started to do my normal speech on the room.

 “This TV here actually is hooked up to the stage and allows you to watch whatever is going on the stage or you can click and you can see the dance floor. You also have cable access if you need it.”

 They all shook their head in understanding and I made my way to the back-left hand corner. I pushed on the diamond that stood out more than the rest of the diamonds that littered the wall. Upon my pushing the wall popped out revealing an emergency access.

 “This isn’t something we would show civilians who are renting the room but for our VVIPs we do give you an emergency exit in the event of needing it. This way leads downstairs where only employees can access and right out to the back exit where a car can be waiting if needed. It’s not something that is used that often but when needed it turns out to be extremely helpful.”

“Wow this room is really something else. Who designed it?”

 I looked at Loco who was staring at me in aw.

 “Actually, I did. We had some clientele come in and they wanted a bit more than what we originally had. I sat down with them and listened to what they would like to see. I then did that with everyone who came in for the rest of the month. I wanted to make sure everyone was happy when they came here. After I had all my info I designed it and gave it to boss man and he went to work on it. I’m really proud of this room and we haven’t had an unhappy customer since.”

 I smiled with pride and felt my confidence go up. I could do this. I could be in the same room with these guys and totally be fine.

 “Please sit, you’re not working right now. Take your jacket off and enjoy yourself.”

 I thanked Jay and did take my jacket off. I was so lost in everything that had happened I didn’t even think to remove my jacket. It was just a normal black blazer that was a bit shorter and went well with the black jeans I was wearing. I crossed the room to hang it up. My top was a dark red shirt that was completely open in the back. It was tied at the top and hugged my chest while leaving the back open and then hugging my waist.

 “Wow, that’s an interesting tattoo.”

 It was ChaCha that spoke this time. He was sitting forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands clasped together under his chin. I walked toward them and stopped right in front of the coffee table, not sure if I should sit or stand.

 “Oh my tree? Yeah it was something I had always wanted to have done. When I was little I really loved cherry blossom trees and use to ask my parents to go buy me one. They would laugh at me and tell me it’s not something we can have here. So when I got older I decided I would finally get my tree and had an artist friend draw it up.”

 “Do you have any more tattoos?”

“Gray let the girl sit and have a drink. Please Sarah come and sit here and have something.”

 I laughed and walked over to sit on the couch near jay and poured myself a shot of tequila. I had a feeling I would reach my limit with drinking tonight if I didn’t watch myself. I quickly downed my drink and sat the cup back down before sitting back and turning to Gray.

 “Actually, I do, I have three more tats but they aren’t visible unless under certain circumstances.”

“Oh really what might those be?”

 I turned to Jay and he had a sly smile on his face. I didn’t doubt this is the same smile that many women see when he is trying to charm his way through something. Who could possibly turn down anything when they are faced with that smile, but I wouldn’t be caught up in it.  I could play this game too Jay.

 “Well the first shot you have of seeing them is if I’m swimming and I was wearing a two piece that is small. The other chance you have is if you become a lover.”

 I also put a sly smile on my face before Loco plopped down between me and Gray laughing extremely loud.

 “Jay I like this girl, let’s keep her!”

 Loco pulled me into a hug and rustled my hair a bit. Everyone started to laugh at his comment and a knock came at the door. I got up and walked to the door and opened it a bit to reveal the head bouncer Bobby.

 “Hey Sarah I really hate to do this but I need your help. Some girls came out and said there are two girls fighting in the ladies room. I need you to go down there and break it up. Boss man says whatever you want you can have if you do this. He doesn’t want us guys in there with this fight.”

“Damn it Bobby where is Mary? It’s her day since I’m off?”

“Mary is handling something for the boss man. We need you. Please.”

 I felt him before I heard him come up behind me.

 “Is something wrong Sarah?”

“Just duty calling Jay, everything is good. I have to go handle something and then I will be right back.”

 I pulled my necklace out that held the keys to my cuffs and unlocked them from my belt.

 “I didn’t think those were real.”

“These? Yeah they are real Jay, they help scare the rowdy ones and they help me stay safe until backup arrives. I will be right back. Bobby right here will take care of you guys until I come back.”

 I walked down the stairs and towards the ladies room. I was pissed. Of all the times for a fight to break out it had to be now. I hope these two girls knew it wasn’t going to be pretty for them.

  Jay

 I watched the girl walk away and couldn’t help but become even more curious of her.

 “Bobby, come sit and tell us about this Sarah.”

“What would you like to know?”

 I sat back in my chair while he stood at attention by me.

 “Well how old is she? What exactly is her job here? Just give me a run down.”

“Sarah is 25, she lives alone and has no family. She is the youngest of all the employees and boss man treats her like his daughter. She started off as a bartender here but after she got her black belt boss man started to put her in charge of handling the female altercations to avoid sexual harassment law suits. She also does the MC work when needed and is in charge of the VVIP guests when they come here. She is actually really popular and brings back at least 85% of the people coming in as VIPs. She loves music and when she was bar tending she use to do a little song and dance routine with her friend at the bar. The guys really loved it but boss man stopped it after a couple of guys tried to grab her. Now she is only allowed to dance or sing when she is on the stage because it’s easier to keep an eye on her for me and the rest of the bouncers. Anything else you want to know?”

“Does she have a man in her life? Know anything about her future plans or wishes?”

“No man, boss man keeps an eye on her to make sure she stays safe. When he brings up the topic of marrying her off she always threatens to run away. The only future plans I know of is her saving for a trip to Korea. She has always wanted to go there. She grew up here in the community and after her parents died the community took care of her. Some of the older moms have saved up to send her but she doesn’t want to use their money.”

“Why hasn’t she looked into becoming a singer? She has the talent?”

“She has but she isn’t what the American industry wants.”

“Interesting. Thanks bobby. You can go, we will be fine until she returns.”

 Bobby bowed and walked out the door closing it.

 “Jay what are you thinking?”

“Nothing much Gray, I just have this feeling she could be something with the right help. She won’t get it here.”

“So what you want to help her? Why?”

“I just do gray. I know I shouldn’t but the girl has talent and it needs to be polished. She isn’t what they want here…”

“She won’t be what they want back home either, she isn’t Korean.”

“They don’t need to know that. We could give her a Korean stage name and just test her out on some of the tracks we are working on. See what the people think.”

“Well looks like you have it all planed out. So much for not thinking of much. How are you going to convince her or her boss?”

“I doubt it will take much to convince a girl who has always wanted to go to Korea. Her boss might be a bit harder, I don’t blame him. I wouldn’t want to let my daughter run off across the world with a group of guys who I don’t know. But I’m sure I can talk him into it. I’m jay park, I wouldn’t be where I am if I didn’t know how to sell an idea.”

NEXT CHAPTER

[juuvio]

Kill Our Way to Heaven

Haikyuu!! [Sawamura Daichi / Kuroo Tetsurou] 

Genre: Angst, fluff, friends to lovers, eventual romance, dancing AU. 

Rating: Mature

SUMMARY

When Daichi watches the alluring creature move in harmony to the music, he feels the freedom he hadn't felt all his life.

Also available on AO3!

CHAPTERS: 5/?

The club venue oozed with class with its blend of sophisticated style and sumptuous velvet furniture, combined with contrasting fluorescent lightning flashing from above; the classic color changing dance floor brought life to the party that raged on each night.

The dark haired man fumbled in his pockets for his wallet as he sat on a stall at the bar counter, watching the dance floor flare with vivid colors to dance with the people on top of it. Daichi wasn’t one to dance himself, but he often liked watching others give it their all while they were wasted. Amusing at the very least. A bulkier man, muscles protruding through his form-fitting shirt and wild, spiked up silver hair scooted up next to Daichi, throwing an arm around him. The guy sure didn’t have boundaries, and Daichi often wondered how he managed to get along with someone so touchy-feely. In all honesty, they wouldn’t be friends in the first place if they didn’t happen to sit by each other in class. But Daichi couldn’t deny he was glad they did, Bokuto was a good friend even in the short amount of time they got to know each other.

“Daichi, man! So I want you to meet my boyfriend.” His raised voice was barely heard over the blaring music, which was a surprise considering Bokuto is very loud. He nodded towards the bartender who sported a striking icy gaze, pretty much perfectly proportioned features and messy, dark wavy hair. Good looking was an understatement. He gave Daichi a soft smile as he held a towel and a glass in his hands.

“Hey, I’m Akaashi Keiji. Bokuto mentions you a lot.”

“Sawamura Daichi… But just Daichi is fine. Nice to meet you.”

He nodded and briefly glanced away to place the glass down, directing his attention back on the two men. “Fancy drinking anything? It’s on the house.”

“Oh, I’ve already drank quite a bit before coming out—”

“Oh come you had like half a glass!” Bokuto whined beside his face, Daichi feeling his intrusive breath on his cheek. Bokuto was always so close, his touchy habits training Daichi to not be so bothered if he ever felt someone jump on him in the middle of the street. That wasn’t an entirely a good thing, what if he was getting mugged and he assumed it was Bokuto?

“If you don’t remember correctly, I didn’t even want to come out.” Daichi groaned. This whole night had been unplanned. All he wanted to do was sleep, but Bokuto was ever so persistent and basically dragged Daichi out of his apartment. Although, perhaps it was a good thing. That apartment had been feeling increasingly suffocating in the recent weeks, following a break up with Yui. He still loved her, the same as he always did when they were friends, and even now after all they went through. But Daichi needed time to heal before anything got back to normal again.

“But you never come out.” The owl like man turned away from the bar and his almost golden gaze widened at the dancefloor. “So about that other friend I wanted you to meet…” His eyes were unmoving from the area and Daichi furrowed his brows before sliding himself around on the stool to face the dance floor. There was some sort of commotion, and it was hard to make out what was going on until he focussed properly. A song Daichi hadn’t heard before rang in the background, the lyrics English and hard to understand, yet from his frequent exposure to various musical artists being young and all, he managed translate a few words.

The figure in the centre of the attention moved gracefully yet firmly along with the tune, his hips moving erotically against the low vibrations left by the bass, head thrown back in a dramatic motion for the rest of his unruly hair to follow, the look in his eyes fierce and deadly as he ran a jeweled tongue along his parted lips. His face was mesmerizing, those dark long eyelashes that stretched out for days on end, elongated by the casted shadow under the harsh lighting that occasionally crossed him, the subtle perkiness of his nose, the way his skin was as golden as the sun and echoed back the vivid colors of the strobes. The deep obsidian hair fell over half of the dancer’s face, and the rest of it reaching out in every other direction. Chaotic may have been an understatement, it looked like the guy just rolled out of bed and got on with the day.

His movements however, were not so lazy and disorderly. It felt free yet organized into this perfect sequence that flowed in perfect timing to the tune that surrounded him.

Daichi was totally and utterly captivated by this alluring creature, and that’s not something that happened every day. In fact, recently he had been numb of emotions that run along with being attracted to another person, fear settling in the depths of the cracks in his character, but this performance unfolding before him washed away the clawing at the corners of his mind. It drew him in, embraced him, trapped him in a world detached from reality. The surreal feline glare landed on him many moments ago before Daichi tore himself out of the daze, realizing only when the otherworldly beauty ran a warm touch down the side of his face, amber gaze locked onto him viciously. His skin shon with the sweat sheened upon it, gleaming off the unnatural lighting surrounding them.

“Wow,” Daichi breathed, releasing that breath he wasn’t even aware he was holding. The mischievous smirk that crossed the dancer’s face sent skin crawling chills down his spine.

“Aw~ Bo, this your friend? He’s adorable!” Daichi was startled by his blissful laugh that followed his words, shooting a look at Bokuto.

A cackle sounded beside Daichi, this time coming from the his two-toned hair friend. “Next time, don’t watch him so intently. He’s a witch, or somethin’. Puts a spell over you and once you start looking you can’t look away!”

Daichi felt the sheepish heat crawl across his face, raising his hand to hide himself away some how with a groan. “Sorry.”

“What? Don’t apologize man, I love it when I get stared at.” He patted Daichi on the shoulder and dropped himself down on the stool next to him, leaning over the counter to speak close to Akaashi so he could hear him.

“That’s Kuroo. Fucking awesome dancer, right?” Bokuto spoke in Daichi’s ear, whose face was pulled into a sloppy grin and cheeks warmed to a pink shade from the alcohol.

“Pretty impressive...” Daichi agreed, side glancing this Kuroo person who turned back to face them as Akaashi passed him his drink.

“So, who’s handsome?” He asked, Daichi being too dense to realize he was referring to him.

“Bro, meet Sawamura Daichi! Daichi, Kuroo Tetsurou.” Bokuto gestured between the two men as he dragged his stool over to sit more in a circle like form with the other two. “Daichi here is in my class!”

“Oh sick, first time I’ve seen you though. Surprising you’re Bo’s friend and he’s only just dragged you out now.” A short snicker left him and he took a sip from his drink.

Before Daichi could fit a word in, the conversation was yet again overpowered by Bokuto. “Couldn’t scare him away as soon as I meet him! Now he’s warmed up a little I’m totally bringing him out all the time.”

“Are you now?” Daichi challenged the owl, hearing Kuroo crack up. “Good luck.”

“Ooooh, man he’s putting up a fight. Someone doesn’t want to go out partying with Bokuto?” Kuroo’s tone was laced with playfulness and taunts, earning that much wanted reaction out of Bokuto when he blew up in his face and demanded Daichi to come out with him every weekend starting from now.

Kuroo excused himself to head out to the smoking area, Daichi accepting his request to join him to leave Bokuto and Akaashi to have some time to themselves. He still didn’t really know this Kuroo, but his entire being intrigued him. So far he gathered he was an amazing dancer, Bokuto’s best friend, and insanely attractive. What was Daichi thinking, was he having a crush 10 minutes into meeting someone? He felt like a schoolgirl. And on top of it all, he was crushing on another guy. He knew it was okay, Bokuto and Akaashi are perfect together. But Daichi never imagined himself to be attracted to guys, this was most certainly a first. Or maybe he had the feelings deep down the whole time, but buried desperately in denial.

Daichi caught the flick of the lighter ignite the end of the cigarette, the smoke curling upwards and danced with itself, very much like how Kuroo did. “So that dance earlier… You practiced that for a while or something?”

“Huh? Oh, nah I improvised. I was being sloppy as hell, I’m too drunk to dance properly.” Daichi had lost count of the times the laugh that left the taller male made his heart stutter on a beat and the way it made his stomach fill with wings.

“What? That seriously wasn’t you dancing properly?” Daichi gaped his mouth in disbelief, pretty convinced that his performance was something the gods themselves choreographed.

“Oh god, I’m embarrassed!” He raised a hand to cover his face, tips of his ears growing warmer. “I can’t even see straight! My footing was all wrong and I was totally out of time with the music.”

Daichi had always heard of performers of all sorts to be self-critical, but seeing it in the action truly shocked him. “Well, for what it’s worth… I thought it was perfect.” Did I really just say that? He swallowed back his tongue and nervously rubbed the back of his head while he mused over what to say next to make Kuroo forget he ever said anything.

“Really? That actually means a lot.” Kuroo gave him a soft smile— or a smile that was at least softer and more innocent than his recent devious smirks and grins. Even those sharp, amber eyes softened which made him look significantly younger. Cute. Daichi mentally shook himself, was he already drunk to start thinking these things? Not a chance, he wasn’t so much of a lightweight regardless that he didn’t tend to drink a lot. “Hey, Daichi?”

“Yeah?” Daichi thought he might have responded too quick, but Kuroo continued on as normal.

“Well, forgive me if I’m wrong but, you kinda seem upset,” Kuroo stated honestly, cocking an eyebrow up at Daichi’s stretched out silence. “Sorry—”

“Ah no, no it’s okay. Was just thinking.” He trailed his eyes around the small outside smoking area surrounded by this wooden fencing and some overhead wooden shelter rimmed with festive wired lights that hung down loosely on some areas. He took a large gulp of his drink before speaking again. “Few weeks ago me and my girlfriend broke up, guess I’m still not over it…” He didn’t understand why he was sharing this with a guy he just met, he could have lied and said he was fine. But he didn’t. It was only now that it was clear he desperately needed to lift that weight bearing down on his chest that he would willingly tell anyone nearby.

Kuroo gave him a sympathetic smile and lightly tapped Daichi’s shoulder with his fist. “Where there’s love there’s no getting over that crap. There’s just moving past it.” He spoke as though from experience, and Daichi drew his eyes to look at the brief sullen expression that masked Kuroo’s features. He turned his head to look at Daichi again, holding up his glass towards him. “Cheers to failed love.”

What a dark way to put it, but Daichi found himself chuckle anyway. Maybe because it was painfully true. “Yeah, cheers.”

The glasses left a ringing aftermath from the clink, the two men proceeding to drown themselves in the rest of their drinks and pulling away with a gasp for fresh air. Daichi pulled a strained face at the burning down his throat, not remembering the last time he drank that quickly before. Kuroo crushed the end of the cigarette butt on a nearby table and motioned his head towards the door. “I’m hearing some tunes going off in there, let’s go.”

Daichi was taken aback when the bed head took his hand, pulling him by the arm through the heavy door and weaving past various clubbers. He watched Kuroo’s nape as though he was in a trance, unable to tear his eyes away from the man guiding him. He only just noticed, but it seemed like Kuroo had an undercut, though only noticeable and visible from behind. Little details.

Kuroo swirled back around to face Daichi, his lips slowly pulled in a grin before leaning in closer to the slightly shorter man, soft lips brushing against the other’s ear. Daichi felt chills in this heated environment. “I’m gonna go grab us some more drinks.”

He nodded and watched Kuroo make his way towards the bar, Bokuto throwing his arms up in one of his over exaggerated motions upon seeing Kuroo again. Daichi finally mustered the energy to force his legs to follow on, joining the others at the counter. When Akaashi lined up several shot glasses in front of them and filled them with a clear liquid, Daichi could feel already tell he wasn’t going to make it out alive tonight.

“Ready?” Bokuto asked, pushing over an even amount of shot glasses between him, Kuroo and Daichi. On the count of 3, they threw back the shots one after another, pushing past hesitation on the following shots they had to come while their throats and chests felt like they were on fire. This time, Daichi wasn’t the only one pulling a face. Bokuto let out a victory howl of some sort, while Kuroo groaned dramatically as he scrunched his eyes shut, tears threatening to spill over the corners.

“Fucking sambuca. I’m gonna throw up.” Kuroo rasped, cupping his mouth following up an unnerving gag.

“Please not over the counter, Kuroo-san,” Akaashi said, concern curving his brows from the fear of having to clean up vomit.

“Ugh, man you got soft. You could take way worse than that!” Bokuto’s laugh boomed, turning on his chair to face Daichi. “See, even newbie here is fine!”

“I’m not.” Daichi held back a burp in case a cup full of vomit came up instead of air. “I’m never doing that again.”

Another presence made itself known when unknown arms wrapped around Kuroo’s hunched over torso from behind, a ball of cinnamon hair briefly made out under the dim lighting. “Assholes doing shots without us.” His voice was whiny and almost child-like, bringing his head up to rest his chin on top of Kuroo’s nest. “Akaaaashi, give me and Iwa-chan the strongest shit here. We gotta catch up.”

“Oh shit, you two losers.” Kuroo chuckled from under his arms, raising his head up from the sticky counter. “Man get off you’re breaking my neck.”

“Are you calling me fat?”

“Fucking obese.”

Daichi found himself laughing at their little bickering, the previous burning now morphed into a warm buzz lingering in his chest. He watched another man whom he recognized from University as Iwaizumi Hajime, pry doe-eyed man off Kuroo and the dancer raised from his seat and took confident steps towards him. He stopped before him and looked down at Daichi, expression completely unreadable. “Yes?”

“Let’s dance.”

“I don’t think I could keep up with you, Mr. Professional Dancer,” Daichi remarked, watching Kuroo’s signature smirk make another appearance.

“I’ll lead the way, just trust me.”

“Trust is a strong word you know.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t let you fall and break your neck or anything crazy.”

“Maybe I could trust that much, or should I be worried?”

Kuroo’s toothy grin beamed at him, feeling as though he could melt under that smile all night. “Depends, do you deem me to be dangerous?”

The way the word rolled off his tongue raised the hairs all over Daichi’s body, the slight glimmer of his tongue bar gleaming through his rosy lips and pearly teeth as he spoke. That was enough to prompt him to grab onto Kuroo’s plain black T-shirt and pull him in close, their sheened skins almost touching. “You reek of danger.”

Kuroo’s hands locked around Daichi’s arms, pulling and tugging him wobbily onto the luminous dance floor and spun around with added drama to the effect. His stray strands fallen on his face made the most movement, swinging across his entire face and small pieces matted his to glowing face. Daichi felt the other’s hands travel past his waist, brushing up to his back to gain leverage. He didn’t know what Kuroo had in mind, but if it was anything like what he pulled off earlier that night, Daichi would most definitely be left with broken bones.

Daichi’s body was forced backwards, but before he could register he was about to fall or completely lose his footing, a firm grip was planted on his arms, twisting him into a twirl then landed him in Kuroo’s ‘X’ positioned arms across his chest, his lips barely glazing across his skin and breath sending waves of ice across his body from ghosting upon it. It wasn’t long until Kuroo had pushed him out again and held only one arm securely to twirl him out. Daichi felt his vision flash when Kuroo suddenly disappeared from his field of vision, realizing moments later he was down below, crouched down with his slender legs parted outwards and his expression directed upwards towards him sultry and bone-tingling. Fuck. That tongue piercing again, Daichi could never get bored of seeing it run along those dreamy lips of his.

Kuroo planted each of his hands on Daichi’s thighs, oh those thick, toned to death thighs. Kuroo had to hold back his request of having Daichi choke him up to hell’s door with them to avoid looking too crazy. He felt all the bumps and curves that shaped his legs through his jeans, only leaving his imagination to run wild about what monsters could be hidden underneath. He stumbled a bit on way up, the alcohol finally taking it’s toll on his coordination, but Daichi’s strong arms held each side of Kuroo’s, his warm, dark eyes staring intently at the antique gaze. They continued on with their semi-graceful movements, likely not to be due to intoxication hindering their balance, but Daichi still felt like he was on clouds when Kuroo pulled him around like a marionette. He felt alive, as though those movements were his own. He felt free and serene, surrounded by the blaring music and blinding colors that felt like anything but wild like they were suppose to be. This dreamlike state he was lost in consumed his mind, intoxicated him as the alcohol did, dragged him into an untouched world where it was only him and Kuroo.  

When warmth grew against his lips, Daichi never expected it would be Kuroo’s lips crushed against his own. They moulded and fitted perfectly, the movement smooth and flowed in with each other. It felt so right, or at least right for now. Tomorrow when he was sober and hungover he could regret this, but for this very moment he let himself go. They eventually pulled away, but in no hurry. They left a small space between their faces, and it was rather disorientating to begin with, seeing Kuroo so up close like this. Kuroo literally looked flawless even at point-blank.

“You’re beautiful,” Daichi breathed out, his warm breath brushing against Kuroo’s skin.

“You’re undeniably hot,” Kuroo responded, his lazy grin crossing his features. “Thought you were straight?”

“I’m not sure anymore,” Daichi answered honestly, mentally questioning his lack of bewilderment at this moment. He was kissing Kuroo, a guy, a guy he just met, a guy who he finds insanely attractive. “I suppose this answers all my sexuality questions…”

Kuroo giggled at Daichi’s confusion. “Guess so, am I seriously your first gay kiss?”

“Uh-huh.” Daichi admitted, their faces pulled further apart now as they shuffled off the dance floor without tearing their eyes away from one another. A few whistles and hoots sounded from the bar counter, the two drawing their attention towards Bokuto, Oikawa, Iwaizumi and some other newly joint students Daichi recognized from University. Right, everyone just witnessed me make out with Kuroo. The burning under his skin made itself more prominent in the short space of 5 seconds and he whipped his head away sheepishly. “Oh god.”

“Whoops, can’t hide now.” Kuroo snickered close to his face.

Daichi stole a glance towards Kuroo, noting that he was right. “Fuck it then.” He clutched the back of Kuroo head, intertwining his fingers through his silky locks and pulled him down for a second make out session. I don’t regret this now, but later is a different story.

.

The soft quilts were not his own, but Daichi still felt right at home. The surroundings were not familiar, but he felt comfortable. Or better put it, he felt too lost in the depths of lust to care where the hell he was. The increasingly large gaps in his memory and awareness was not concerning, he was drunk, it was expected. Now what was worth caring about was the immensely seductive devil beneath his weight, his sinful lips dancing with Daichi’s, wandering hands trailing in those regions Daichi wouldn’t think another man would venture in. Daichi held the other’s heavily decorated wrist above his head, feeling the ropey texture of the many cord bracelets lined up on his wrist. He pulled away to take in the marvelling sight before him. Kuroo was beautiful. But so was Yui. So why did he never feel this way towards her? Why did he not feel this intense, mind consuming light when laying his eyes upon her beautiful body? Why?

Daichi hadn’t noticed the drowsy voice from below him speak multiple times until a warmth spread across his cheek. It was Kuroo’s hand, his thumb soothingly tracing circles along his skin and his eyes glazed with concern. “Daichi?”

“I— I’m sorry. I’m not sure…” What I’m doing. He couldn’t force the words out, and he was scared to look back at Kuroo’s face. Afraid to see the look of disappointment. “I’m just—”

“Daichi. Relax. We don’t have to do anything.” He gave a soft chuckle, but it sounded more sincere rather than humorous. “I mean I wasn’t gonna let anything further than this happen, I’m too drunk to see what I’m doing.”

“Fuck, I’m really sorry.”

“Honestly, don’t worry about it!” When Daichi rolled off Kuroo he sat up with a groan, running a hand down his weary face. “You can still crash here if you want.”

Daichi glanced around the room, noting the sophistication and modernism to it yet with a little added personality. Book shelves were organized neatly, almost too neat to be considered simple need for tidiness, the desk home to a Macbook, surrounded by a few action figures from whatever series Daichi couldn’t make out, his sight gravely hindered by his intoxication. He snickered briefly to himself, this guy’s a bit of a dork… “I— uh… This your place?”

“Yeah, live alone so don’t worry about running into anyone else here,” Kuroo assured, leaning his head back on the leather headboard. His voice was slightly slurred and drawled out, as expected. “There’s spare room round the corner, come I’ll show you.” Kuroo hopped off the bed in a stumble and almost lost his footing, but thankfully regained his balance. Sort of. He shot out a sloppy grin to the rather terrified looking Daichi who thought he’d have to look after someone with a concussion for the rest of the night. He held out a hand towards Daichi, who took it gratefully and in which it aided him in not falling over like Kuroo almost did.

Their fingers remained interlinked as Kuroo led Daichi down the dark hallway, the only light source coming from Kuroo’s supposedly bedroom behind them. They stopped at another door and entered, the room looking less personal and more guest roomy. “Ta-da! Make yourself at home, I need to go pass out or somethin’.” Daichi didn’t have time to question anything; before he knew it Kuroo was stumbling back down the hall and was soon followed by the sickening sound of him hurling his guts out in the bathroom, the splashing against the toilet bowl causing Daichi’s stomach to turn.

“Eugh,” Daichi expressed with a chuckle, looking ahead in the dark room. He dragged his feet and let himself drop on the bed like a pile of rocks, feeling the room shift and spin uncontrollably as soon as his feet left the firm ground. The spinning was almost enough to make Daichi throw up himself, but he thankfully had a strong stomach.

His eyelids grew heavier with each passing second, the spinning becoming more intense as the darkness began to engulf him but his entire body had already shut down, leaving him incapable of moving now regardless if the spinning threw his brain out the window. Eventually, finally, he was lost in the bizarre and wonderful world of dreaming.

The luminous, mid-morning gleam peeked past the wooden blinds, the fluid light creeping through even the tiniest cracks to intrude on the peaceful darkness. Daichi’s eyes had not yet met with the waking world, but his mind cried at the persistent ache brewing behind his eyes and in the depths of his temples. His mouth and throat felt like the desert, and his body ached like the after-workout curse. In other words, Daichi felt like shit.

Minutes passed by too quick for Daichi to process, the crippling hangover preventing him from making a move out of this unbelievably comfy bed… A bed that wasn’t his. He pushed himself up and looked around the room, perplexity settling in his mind as he mulled over if he booked out a hotel or something, or maybe he broke into somebody’s house, or something that could explain where the hell he was.

Ignoring the pain behind his eyes that only grew with movement, Daichi pushed himself off the bed and took a few unsteady steps towards the door, opening it as gentle as possible. He glanced up and down the hall before following the sound of maybe the television playing distantly in the background. The short hallway opened up to what seemed to be the living room, a large television playing Tom & Jerry with a certain bed head huddled up on the sofa, knees raised his his chest and a cigarette between his fingers. Now it started to come back to Daichi, he crashed at Kuroo’s. After doing nothing with him. He wasn’t sure if he should be disappointed or thankful, and he was rather surprised he was still painfully attracted to the memory of that gorgeous dancer. The same gorgeous dancer watching cartoons in the morning. Adorable.

“Tom and Jerry, really?” Daichi asked, his sudden voice clearly scaring the crap out of Kuroo who reacted faster than a spooked cat.

“Fuck, Daichi. And yes I will never grow out of Tom and Jerry.” He held a hand over his chest to calm his nerves and relaxed back into the sofa while still sat to face Daichi, a tired smile stretching his lips. “Had a good sleep?”

“I think so, but I feel shit now.”

“Same man,” he groaned, turning back to face the television. He seemed genuinely interested in the episode. “Grab yourself a drink or something, there isn’t much food unless you fancy pocky for breakfast.”

Daichi followed his outstretched arm towards the kitchen and laughed. “I’ll stick with just water. Hey uh, thanks for letting me crash here.”

“Don't mention it.”

The kitchen held the undertones of something freshly furnished or just very modern, the entire apartment looking on the high-end spectrum of living areas. Bokuto had mentioned his friend, now known to be Kuroo, was the same age as them. How did a 20 year old afford something so nice? “So, you always lived alone?”

“Yeah, surprisingly this place isn’t so expensive. But still a bit pricey to handle alone. Actually looking for a roomie so we could split, it’s kinda a struggle to pay it all myself.”

Daichi felt his eyebrows raise at the roomie part. “Looking for a roommate?”

Kuroo turned his amber gaze towards him, an idea sparking the light behind them. “You know anyone? Or like, are you looking by any chance?”

“Actually…” Daichi hesitated, musing whether or not this was a good idea. Kuroo was acting normal as ever about the night before, so Daichi should too. It meant nothing. Yet he couldn’t rid that clawing feeling at the back of his mind about what he felt when he watched Kuroo last night, and why he lacked that with someone he thought he was in love with. “I mean I still live with my ex. So I guess I am kind of looking. How much is it?”

“Oh ouch, you need to get out of there,” Kuroo smirked playfully, “well if it’s split between us two then it’s ¥30 thousand a month. Kinda pricey but then again it’s Tokyo… And this place isn’t rat infested!”

Daichi wasn’t even surprised at the price, he was more surprised Kuroo was able to pay the full ¥60 thousand on his own up until now. “Oh that’s actually okay…” This isn’t a good idea. “But I’ll probably have to think about it a little, I mean moving is a big deal.” Moving is a big deal, that wasn’t a lie. But it’s an especially big deal when moving in with someone that confused the hell out of your sexuality, and the fact they get stupidly drunk and semi-hooked up.

Kuroo gave a shrug and smiled, looking back towards the screen and drawing in a long drag from his cigarette, the end flaring brightly between the cracks in the dull ash. “Sure, if you make up your mind and all just call me.” He tossed his unlocked phone at the end of the sofa closest to Daichi, who walked over to pick it up. He added his contact information onto Kuroo’s list and shot himself a gibberish text to get Kuroo’s number, the buzz felt faintly in the jeans pocket. He stepped over to Kuroo to hand him his phone back, their hands lingering on the slight touch for a moment too long before they pulled away.

“Nice meeting you, Daichi.” He smiled, that lazy, taunting smile which screamed out to Daichi ‘I know I’ll see you again.’

“You too, Kuroo.”

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[skiasurveys]

sex sex sex sex.

1. What’s your favorite position and why? i like doggy style a lot because i dont know it just feels really great and its pretty dominating..but i also like missionary but its boring but i like it when i want to feel “romantic”. lmao.

2. How did you lose your virginity? If you’re still a virgin, is there any specific reason?  I lost my virginity at 19. Basically I was preparing to bang my boyfriend ( my current one!) but I was super nervous ( I already had some trauma from the past). I was scared and stuff and so we tried and I was like Idk man im scared. Then later that night we just started to kiss and make out and he asked if I wanted to try again and I said sure so I got naked blah blah, I was sitting on him kissing hm and then bam he fucked me but it felt really awesome and nice, didn’t hurt because he was slow at it and then he fucked me from behind after i got used to it lol. Great times. That was like a year ago!

3. If you could have sex with any porn star or model, who would it be?  i dont know any porn stars and im not attracted to any models either.

4. What’s one thing in particular that makes you want to tear off your lover’s clothes? Sometimes if he looks at me a certain way or if were doing something . Or if he starts touching my thighs and/or kissing my neck 

5. Five turn ons. 1. Strong looking/masculine 2.Taller than me but no taller than 6′3 3. kissing my neck. 4. man handeling me (without being too aggressive).5. showing me off ( Not like “OH LOOK WHAT I HAVE” but being proud you have me. 6. Five turn offs. 1. Being an asshole. 2.Acting like you don’t care about me when youre around others. 3.Racist/sexist/etc 4.Creepy. 5.Hating my friends

7. Have you had any embarrassing sexual experiences?   its so embarrassing.. so I had just finished my period ( OR so i thought) and we started to fuck and it was going well.. after we finished he was like “Um i think you still have your period.” and Im like “what?” and yeah there was blood on his dick and I legit ran and cried in the bathroom like a little bitch LOL. He came after me and said it was fine and that hes done more awkward shit but DUDE...

8. Do you have a fetish? not really. I like calling my boyfriend daddy in the bedroom but i dont like the ddlg fetish at all. 

9. Have you experimented with anyone of the same sex?  no 10. What’s “out of bounds” for you during sex?  Choking, or tying me up, or like bondage stuff. I just have a severe panic attack if that happens and I dont like it and I had trauma so its actually triggering.

11. What’s the best sexual unsolicited advice you can give?  Just dont fuck them if youre not ready. 

12. Hickies - get ‘em or give ‘em? both

13. Do you like giving head? im that weird girl who actually enjoys sucking cock

14. Do you like getting head? yes 

15. What’s one thing you look for in a partner?  loyalty and companionship. 

16. How many partners have you had?  1 and im still with him :)

17. What’s your sexual orientation? Straight

18. If you’re bi/pansexual, what gender do you tend to prefer? n/a

19. Describe the best sex you’ve ever had.  Theres a few. It usually is when he goes hardcore with teasing me and kissing me. One time he was kissing me and teasing me. He ate me out for a bit which was amazing, and the he kissed me from my tummy to my lips, and he fucked me hard but slow and said I love you which was awesome. But i also had one where He was teasing me and doing lots of foreplay and he told me he owned me and that he wanted all of me and then he fucked me so good. especially when he cums inside me. MMMMM.

20. Describe the worst sex you’ve ever had. It wasnt bad but I just have depression and sometimes it hits me when were fucking and  i lost my sex drive and just didnt care and it didnt last that long but i lied i orgasmed so he could finish because i wasnt feeling it lol

21. Have you ever had a funny sexual experience? What was it? i dont know. Im sure. 22. Are you okay with rough sex?  Yess just not too rough ok!

23. How big was the biggest dick you’ve ever seen? Was it in a porn or in real life? well i mean guys in porn always have huge dicks but my boyfriend is the only one Ive had and he is pretty big.

24. Boobs or ass - which is better? ass. 25. Do you prefer sex or masturbation? sex i hate masturbating.

26. Describe how you usually masturbate. ill leave that for your imagination. 

27. Do you like tattoos on a partner or do you like them to have a clean slate, skin wise?  i dont care. either or.

28. How do you feel about daddy dom/little girl roleplaying? some people go a little too far with it. Like for example actually acting like they are 4 years old in public. You can leave it to the bedroom, please.

29. What’s your fantasy?  pay off my student loans.

30. Do you have any sexual regrets? no

31. When did you last have sex? april 1st before Connor moved! He will be back in the end of May or start of June so it will be a while before we have sex again :(

32. When did you last masturbate? last night

33. Have you had anal? yeah. Its ‘ight. 

34. Do you like to spank/be spanked?  i like to be spanked.

35. What do you want done to you right now?  well since  I havent seen my boyfriend in like a month i would love it for him to just push me against a wall. mmm.

36. Are you comfortable with getting tied up? no

37. Did you have sex in high school? nope. No one really liked me back then. I had like 2 boyfriends then and it was shitty then. I met Connor the fall after i graduated. Hilarious.

38. How old were you when you lost your virginity? How long has it been? 19 years old and its been a year now.

39. Do you like teasing or would you rather get straight to the point? teasing.

40. Sexting or phone sex?  ive done both. sexting is fun but phone sex can be pretty hot. I just dont like phone sex..i rather sext tbh

41. Have you had sex in any interesting places? One time we were hanging at our friends place and everyone had gone to bed and Connor was cuddling me on their couch and he said , “ I bet its just bothering you that you cant touch me” and im like whatever idc and then hes like “lets lowkey fuck” so we fucked on their couch while they were sleeping! It was pretty fun but nervous cus if someone walked out. oh god..and then we fucked behind a couch like 3 times while there was a party going on. cool.

42. Are you sexually active?  i guess so. since he moved its hard to say but its only for short time.

43. Have you had car sex? no our car is too small for that. but i want to.

44. Have you ever had sex with anyone else in the location you were at? (i.e., while your sister was in the other room) yes..see above

45. Why aren’t you fucking anyone right now? well the only person i would fuck is in a nother city obvs so thats why.

46. Are you able to have emotionless sex? not rly

47. Does penis size really matter? yes

48. What has been your most memorable experience sexually? theres a lot

49. If male, are you well endowed? n/a

50. If female, what’s your breast size?  34 B cup.

51. Have you ever been the other person? no

52. Have you ever cheated on anyone?  no!

53. Describe an orgasm.  i just felt really weird and shakey but it felt so good.

54. What’s the longest time you’ve had sex for? I dont really keep count.

55. What’s the shortest time you’ve had sex for?  like 5 minutes. -___-

56. If you could change the person you lost your virginity to, would you?  no

57. Have you had any pregnancy scares? Yeah kinda. my one period didnt come once and i was so scared. I bought like 3  sticks.

58. Are you comfortable naked?  kinda. Ive been with Connor for a year now and I still feel awkward naked. lol

59. Are you comfortable sending pictures of yourself to others? depends.

60. What’s your sexual comfort zone like?just dont do rape play.

61. What’s something sexual that you thought you wouldn’t like, but ended up liking?  i cant think of anything

62. Do you have any piercings in fun places? (i.e., clit, nipples, dick) no

63. Would you say you’re good in bed?  i think so.

64. How do you get sex tips? internet or i ask him how he wants me to do something. like i ask him if he likes what im doing and he will tell me how he wants it.

65. Have you ever had sex with anyone while they were on their period? Have you ever had sex while on your period?  no except that one time when i thought i was fkn done but i wasnt. kill myself.

66. If you could be the other sex for a day, would you and what would you do first? idk.

67. What’s your favorite part about being the gender you are? I dont know really. I can buy cute drinks without looking dumb?

68. Slow but passionate, or fast, furious, and kinky? slow but passionate. But also depends on the mood or whatever because sometimes i want rough, sometimes i don’t.

69. Have you ever 69’d? Did you enjoy it?  yes but it feels too good to suck him while hes eating me out.

70. Have you ever done drugs and then had sex?  weed

71. Have you ever had sex with someone you’re in love with? yes

72. How are you with BDSM? Would you ever engage in it?  nope.

73. Do you like gagging on cock/having someone gag on your cock? Why?  i love gagging on his cock.

74. When it comes to oral, are you gentle? Do you use your hands too? gentle. i dont want to hurt him but if i do go hard kinda. and yeah i used my hands.

75. Okay, how do you feel about handjobs?  sometimes i do hand jobs but its only when im making him hard. Lol.

76. Have you had any unwanted pain during sex? yeah.

77. What is something that’s not sexual that can turn you on more than anything sexual?  arms? 78. Can your sexual partners be categorized by their zodiac signs? no

79. Have you had sex to music? What’s your favorite sex song? we fucked to Wish you were here by Pink Floyd.

80. What’s something you want to try in bed?  i dont know.

81. Has anyone drew blood from you during sex, whether it was by cutting, biting, or scratching? How did you feel about that? no. if there was blood from biting/scratching/etc i would feel awful.

82. Have you ever fucked someone who was sad? Did it help them emotionally or make it worse? I have fucked him when he was sad and it helped and same for me sometimes it makes me feel way better.

83. Do you like sexual anons? no

84. What’s your ideal round of sex?  i dont know.

85. Do you like the use of whipped cream, handcuffs, chocolate, and cherries?  nope.

86. Have you ever been walked in on or caught?  almost got caught.

87. Have you ever had sex in public? Would you? yes and i would.

88. What’s a good sex joke?  i dont know. 89. Do you like to be called a dirty slut or would you rather be treated like royalty?  i love it when he calls me a slut but theres a time and place during sex when i want to be slutty and then loved LMAO.

90. Are you more submissive or dominant? sub 91. What’s your naughtiest secret? i almost fucked a 33 year old when i was 18.

92. What’s the weirdest thing you’ve encountered sexually?  i cant think of anyting

93. Have you ever “stuck your dick in crazy”? Was there a lesson learned?

94. Do you like playing with balls/having someone play with yours? i like playing with them because he loves it. 

95. What’s the best nonsexual feeling?  feeling safe and loved by them.

96. Do you like feet? ew 97. Do you look at rule 34/hentai? ew....

98. Pick a random question off this survey for yourself. N/A 99. Who’s your ideal sexual partner? MY BOYFRIEND.

100. Do you have a partner right now? Would you like one? have my boyfriend :) 101. Are you accepting “applications” for a partner?  um no