#for real bringing me back to uni when i would stay up typing till like the last miNUTE

[seiwas]

why must i procrastinate writing to the death

[channieswife21]

The Greatest Game

Yandere Chanyeol Imagine

“I need you to pay close attention right now (Y/N)” Baek said to me, I wrapped my arms around my body in the cold Seoul winter wind. I'd heard this spill 25 times on the way to the train station. I was exhausted emotionally and physically and the way that Baek was focused on me only made me want to curl in on myself. I only glanced away before turning my eyes to the concrete below my feet, giving a miniscule nod.

“A nod is not good enough, love. I need you to repeat the plan back to me. ”

He didn’t have to look out for me, a person he had only known for a couple of months from uni. I couldn't help that my mind started to wander...If only things had been different.

“I board the train out of Seoul and head towards Daegu. From Daegu, I will take the plane waiting for me to Barcelona.” I stop when I realize I've forgotten what happens when I get there. Xiumin chimed in patiently. “Then from Barcelona you meet Marlana and she takes you to the airport and you fly to LA.”

The journey across the world sounded excessive, but in reality, it might not be enough.

“And you don’t stop until you’ve gotten to LA. Meet my sister at UCLA” I turn to look at Sehun who was speaking who no doubt feels guilty for all this. He was the one that set us up after all but he couldn't have known this would happen.

“Where's your phone?” Jumyeon asks. “He's a computer science major sweetheart. I'm sure he could track you, don't make it too easy for him that isn't like you.” I ignore the fact that he just insinuated that I'm difficult and handed him my phone.

He was right Chanyeol would never stop looking for me once he got home and realized I was gone. He's always been the right kind of possessive...until now.

“Jesus H. Christ (Y/N)” I look up at myeon with a confused face. “You have 30 missed calls and 60 messages, guess he's back home now which means we're running out of time.” I checked the last message.

“I just know there's a reason my peaches isn't here now. I know there's a reason your shit is gone isn't there? I thought we discussed why you need not run from me, peaches.”  

Looking at the scared look on my face Xiumin takes my phone and puts it in the trash. Kyungsoo looks up and grabs my arm tightly. “We have to go before he gets real smart real quick and finds where we are.”

I didn't always feel like this about Chanyeol, scared and distant, I used to feel the cliche butterflies in my stomach as I looked at his smile and the way he would look at me.

Now I just feel numb.

I met Chanyeol on a blind date Sehun had set us up on. He said he had a friend that needed someone to bring him out of his loner type life. I was that someone, focused on my studies so much that I had forgotten to have a social life, we were the perfect match, he gave me a life and I gave him purpose. I helped him focus on his studies at Yonsei and even helped him discover his love for computer science and technology in general and he had a real gift for it. He would take me on dates to places I had no idea existed. The most beautiful places in Seoul and even Jeju island. Going to parties and public places was a bit of a hassle with him sometimes. He would always get into arguments with other men because they got too close or because they would simply look my way. Once at a bar this man turned and bumped into me on accident and as he turned to apologize Chanyeol decked him right in the face and we were thrown out. I simply took it as him being a little more possessive than others..oh how i was wrong. Sehun had warned me of Chanyeol's possessiveness but none of us could have known the extent it would go.

When I came home late from my shift at the hospital I found Chanyeol asleep on the couch in front of his laptop. I smiled thinking he had fallen asleep waiting on me again. As I went to wake him I glanced at his laptop and saw the familiar hallways of the hospital I had just been relieved from. Confused and but not yet scared I look closer and see one camera focused on the desk area I reside at and the patient rooms I had been servicing. I gasped slightly. Was he spying on me? I had gasped a little too loudly because he woke up with panicked eyes and started gathering his laptop and had the nerve to start questioning me as if I was the one that had something to explain. “Why are you meddling in my things while i'm sleeping!” “ME? You were the one spying on ME!” “I wasn't spying, I was trying to make sure you were ok! It's passed the time you're usually home.” so he felt that he had a right to hack into the cameras at my job? We talked it out but I was still uneasy.

He had a knack for tying me up during sex.

I had been tied to a chair in our room after him not seeing me for a week because of our finals and work. “Oh my god, I missed this,” I gasped, his mouth closing around my nipple and his teeth tugging softly on it. I could feel him smile against me. “Who do you belong to?” 

“You daddy only you.” “That's a good girl.” he unties me and throws me onto the bed and crawls up towards me. His tongue darted down to lick me in my entirety before circling my clit again. I managed to grip the top of his head through the blankets and press him closer. He worked on me and added fingers to help stimulation. He bites the inside of my thigh and leaves marks all over my lower body. He liked to leave marks on me. Whenever some would fade away he would just add more. He was rough holding my thighs tightly and biting every so often. But he never failed to make me feel good. I whined in pleasure as my release finally came, his hands held me down with force as my hips started to buck. “Fucking shit,” I panted, as I felt my body relax. His lips kissed a trail up my pelvis, my abdomen, his head finally revealing itself again as he pressed a kiss to my lips with the sheet framing his euphoric face.

What was the last straw was 4 weeks ago. I had gone out with friends yet I kept feeling a pair of eyes on me. I brushed it off and kept enjoying my night. I started dancing with my friends and this guy came up behind me and started dancing on me. I turned around and politely let him know I had a boyfriend and he left me alone. As we were on our way out we heard yelling and turned around to see a man on the ground with another man punching him repeatedly till he was bloody in the face. I noticed the man as the one that tried to dance with me and….Chanyeol?!?!?!? What the actual hell. “CHANYEOL!!” When he sees me I notice, his eyes go from fiery to soft. “Oh peaches..”

When we got home he slammed the door and turned to me “What have I told you about going out with other people? You're mine! No one is allowed to be that close to you.” “Chanyeol, you cannot stalk me!!” “you're mine peaches, i'll do as I please and you do well to remember that!!”

“Myeon I can't do this alone I can't be alone.” For some reason I still loved him. I didn't wanna leave but it was for my own safety. “He’s never gonna leave you alone if you're still here.”

“Um we have a problem.” “What Jongin?”

“He’s here.”

We all turn around and see him brooding towards us.

All aboard!

“Go, i'll go hold him off” Thank the lord for jongdae. I board the train with my head down and find a seat furthest away from the door. I look straight out of the window and lock eyes with Chanyeol and can't help but freeze. Our relationship flashes before my eyes and I start to think about how maybe the good outweighed the bad and I should stay. Then I remember 

“You'll never escape me.” 

I know I have to get out of here. He looked so heartbroken and defeated as he whispered “peaches…” and I feel a heart string pull at the fond nickname. Then that side comes out and he mouths….

“You're mine. I'll find you. I promise.”

[rkwxnb]

shout out to rookies!

This is going to be short. At least now that I’m typing this I hope it would be since I’m a few seconds from knocking out. On top of that, I know I’m going to forget really important people for the same reason of why I hope this would be short... also because as always, I am doing this last minute. ( peace!! ) 

Rookies as the great Miss Grande once said. “One taught me love. One taught me patience. And One taught me pain.” I hope you all feel me when I say that’s all on you, RK! --- “Thank you, -- my stay tune for my next muse.” 

Now that cringe moment is over with. I wanna do a roll-call at my special people! For those who stuck with me during the times, I was in rookies and while I was out doing god-knows-what.

RKCAP: This asswhole muse of mine who got into scandals and ruined one friendship after another, found his family ( by bond and friendship ) though this rp. Even until now I have to say he is the strongest muse in my whole rp-history. Having played him over at least two-years, before dropping his booty from wanting to become an idol, and evidently out of rookies. Outcast by his own family, with the help of the bro/anti-squad ( @aronrk - strawberry bruh! @rkkangjoon - lover joon! @rkgray - co-parenting daddy bruh + @rkxminhee - little minx min @rkwendy calm and collected sis @borark my get out of jail free card ) Not to mention, his little shit brother @rkohsehun NODDLEBOY! you’re all fam and I don’t have to tell you how many times I wish I can bring this boy back because of you lot! 

Special shout-out to his ladies Jieun- ( @yujurk ) and Elly ( @hyunark ) them girls are his solid. Soulmates and Lovers. They are the core reason that he is still sane. One can say, they are his everything. 

Yo seriously, Maddy you are by far one of the coolest people I’ve met. You’re insanely solid, my utmost respect to you. Shinobi-- the one-third of IwaBoKuro, see we’re even an ot3 in real life! You’re extremely dedicated to your muses, much like how you are with your friendships, never change bruhski! Saaaammmiiiieee!!! You are by far one of the kindest people I have ever come across, thank you for being you! Clara... gurl wait till Toshi’s turn uwu  Em, you’ve made me such a happy puppy by coming back to rookies! I wish you and baby girl the best in life!

To my first child, Stef, sana okay ka na babybear! I’ve known you since why before rookies and in fact, I remember suggesting you play Sehun when Minsoo’s fc was still Chanyeol’s so we can have exo bruhs! Pero despite all that, I’m seriously proud of how much you’ve grown, you are one of my precious people. Though we don’t speak that much any more, alam I’m always here for you!

To my child, Nana, fix yourself before you wreck yourself! I miss you lots crazy and I hope we get to talk soon. I really wanna hear what's happening with life and how you’re surviving uni. What’s more is we both know that Hyo-Min is actually the IT soulmates, and the whole of Rookies know it. ( if you’re a new mun and you’re reading this... It’s true, believe me uwu ) I hope we have muses with that much of a strong connection again! Love you my mad child! 

To my co-parenting mom, Jen, girl what you doing with your life?! We’ve had our ups and down, despite all that bullshit we’re at it again. To a degree, it’ll never be the same but I do wish if anything, our friendship will grow stronger instead. Your muses played as my muses lover, twin and admirer, but in real life, you once told me that you believe people have seven soulmates, though you’re a little shit that believes Yoongi is one of them. You did mention I maybe have taken a spot to, so no take-backs asshole. You’re stuck with me now. Peace!

RKTOSHI: This boy was Minho- then Dean... Then Yuto, heck back to Minho, then finally his sorry ass became Jisoo. He is one of the most complex and interesting muses I have ever played. The shit show he was a part of had been insane, from being a part of the Yakuza to being shot and finally a part of Nova ( like this hoe-man actually got signed! ) Aside from Soyeon ( sit your ass down Jen I already called you out ) he was a part of the Mensa-Squad with his @rkxkjd daddy-D ( KATIE LEE SIGN MY D ) and his @rkjohnny forever-hubby ( that now has his very own princess ). To the only women that kept him on a leash @rkyooa the one that got away and @dahyexrkarchive proxy grandma. Thanks to him joining the mgas he met his adoptive ma @rkjei! 

Yurim!! DADDY-DAE! You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, especially in real life. I utterly respect you from moving away from home and following your dreams. You’re an a-class writer; I wish you the all the best for your endeavors! 

Claraaaa ‘te~ The leader of rkpinoy squad-- seriously, even Johnny boy if from the Philippines. You’ve kept me sane and has been the voice of reason to many, including myself and my shit show muse. We once had an almost ship with Toshi and Wendy, but somehow I’m glad it didn’t work out because DANG LOOK AT YOU AND HUGO! Sana happy ka sa work and I’m always looking forward to your sports commentary be it figure staking, basketball, volleyball and cheerleading, Lab you sis! 

Bun, the 2nd-third of IwaBoKuro--!! Man, I love the fact that we embody our muses even outside the roleplay. Still completely in touch irrespective of the fact that you’re no longer in this rp. You still the best! Much like Dahye kicks Toshi’s ass ( literally and figuratively ) you do the same with me, except more in the game-mode xP Whenever you wanna come back, I’ll be sure to have another mess of a muse to latch on to yours like a leech. 

Nic, you angel. Even though we’ve only just gotten closer this year, I swear to God I am truly blessed for having you in my life. You’re one of my persons. You’re exceptionally strong and amazingly kind and considerate. I am sorry for all the bullshit you had to go through here and I’m hella proud you didn’t let those get you down and give up on your muses! 

Roe, my true soulmate. Holy shit. I reckon its more than five years since we’ve known each other. You’re muse almost married mine. Heck, we have plans to platonically get married ( because we gonna cheat the system ). I absolutely cannot imagine my life without you. You are my ultimate person. As you rightly said in your post, my ride and die. The strongest and fiercest of people, both in the real world and rp. You take no shit from anybody and would fight for what you believe is right, especially stand up to those who are getting bullied. Without being anymore sappy, I do love you with all of me and I am always gonna be here for you. Just because you are amazing and worth it all. 

RKNAEUN + RKAVERY: My two latest muses ( actually the ones currently in rookies ) I never imagine there would be a time where I would have only female muses in rookies. Considering my strongest muses here were the boys. But keeping you both and actually maintaining your arc ( plus organizing your points properly ) is something I’m actually proud of myself of. Since Avery is still relatively new ( her strongest bonds have yet to fully form, but one of them is definitely Hoby! ) I’mma focus on Naeun’s friendships! From the chaebol-childhood friends to fam @rkchaeyoung her idol unnie to @rksunwoo best oppa sunwoo. her dancing queen leader @rkhyojeong and her best friend 4eva @rkleeflix . I want to thank all of you for being her inspiration! 

Special shoutout to Amy we too old for optimism but I shit you know if I know anyone who’s going to make it through all this, it’ll be you! You are the most real person that I know. Oddly enough we got closer when I came back in rookies then my first time around here. You’ve been there for me in the toughest times, even though I know you were going through you’re own worries. I’m eternally grateful for that. With everything said and done, I hope I can return even slightest bit of happiness and comfort you’ve given me, because I know I can’t match all the times you’ve had to deal with me.Thank you loads for everything, me hearts you!

Thank you rkmods/admins. Without you, I would not have met all these precious people. Thank you for tirelessly listening to all of us whine about how unfair everything is and still remain here. Thank you for giving us your time and efforts to keep our escape from the real world alive. Most importantly, thank you for being the backbone of all this glorious foundation. You all is amazing. Happy RKFIFTH and I hope many more to come! 

Yours,  ( Lyn | @rkavery + @rkxsnn ) 

P.S. I lied this wasn’t short at all. [ sorry for the grammatic/spelling errors... lets be real if this post didn’t have those, then you can all speculate that I didn’t actually write it. 

[codename-bewareofthefangirl]

Can I have angst future AoKuro where Aomine dreams of their past in Teiko when he abandoned Kuroko, and then Kuroko comforts and reassures him. Fluff in the end, thanks!

Hi dear!Finally some AoKuro! It was really a pleasure to write it, Aomine being my favoritecharacter, and I hope you’re going to enjoy it too. I’d imagined this situateda bit further in time; maybe first year of uni or something like that, and I’vebalanced angst and fluff! Yes, I used and reinterpreted the anime’ scene (waitnot being a bit canon) that I believe signed the turning point and that hypotheticallyin the future would hurt Aomine the most when thinking back.

Have a good read!

 Nightmare

 Aomine blinked annoyed by something and tiredly liftedhis eyelids, his body lying in the wet grass. Above him, in the sky rolled darkclouds like waves of a stormy sea. Cold, heavy rain dropped down drenching him ‘tillthe bones.

I don’t like thistype of sky.

Where am I?

A sudden, worried voice called him. He recognized it immediately;he could have recognized it in an excited crowd, wearing earphones.

“Aomine-kun, let’s go back to practice.”

He straightened up and turned slowly. A young Kurokowas looking at him from the path over him, while Aomine just remained still onthe bank.

He felt the urgency to raise a hand and show a smirk,but his body remained frozen. He wanted to call Kuroko’s name, to answer his call,but his lips moved on their own.

 “Why should I? For what purpose do I need topractice?” he heared himself asking with cold and cynic amusement “You realizedI already win even if I don’t want to?” added walking towards him.

Oh no.

Not again. Notagain. Not again.

He saw Kuroko taking a step back, hurt by his sarcasm.He felt dying inside and wished to close his eyes, but he wasn’t allowed to. Hehad to watch and regret all his acts and words, he had to scar himself withthat memory.

“You want meto crush down my opponents who have lost the will to fight even further?”rhetorically asked again, stopping in front of him.

Just stop.Stop talking. Don’t hurt him any more than this.

“I understandhow you feel but…” Kuroko started to comfort him, eyes filled with worry andhope; he wanted to help him, he wanted to bring back his smile and theirfriendship.

“Understand?Hah! What part of it for you understand?” Aomine interrupted him angry and skeptical,desiring to hurt him, to let him feel the pain he was feeling.

Fucking stop.He doesn’t deserve this.

But his body ignored his own prays and continued totalk.

“Tell me! Howcould someone who can’t do anything by himself understand this?” spittedunamused.

It’s false. Iknow now, you have always been the one pushing me forward. You were the choreof our team, you were my motivation all along. Please don’t speak anymore, don’thurt him anymore. This is not what I want.

“There are timeeven I get jealous of everyone, including you, Aomine-kun. It’s useless to feelgrief over the impossible!” The honesty in his eyes was killing Aomine, helooked at him in that caring way of his that always made him stumble.

Don’t say thosewords. You’re going to regret them. Don’t shatter him again. You’re going tolose him. Don’t ruin everything.

But he was caged in himself.

“That’s why,so that I can pass with all my strength-” Kuroko continued with a faint,hopeful smile.

“And who isthat pass for? You realize I can win against anyone by myself now, even withoutyour passes?” Aomine stabbed him in a low, emotionless tone.

That’s not true.I’m wrong. Testu don’t listen to him. Don’t trust his words.

Kuroko instead listened, Aomine could see the memoriesof the fatal match, during which he had abandoned him, passing in front of hiseyes. He could see him remembering his refusal, the moment their fists didn’t connect.The moment he severed the first of their red strings.

“From that dayI haven’t gotten a pass from you. It was so recent but it feels like thedistant past already. I’ve…I’ve already forgotten even how to receive yourpasses.” Aomine concluded, letting his desperation surface.

False! Don’tbelieve it! Nothing, nothing could make me forget the feeling of your passes.Basketball is what brought us together, don’t believe in my words. I need you,I don’t want to drift from you.

Kuroko widened his eyes in shock and pain, Aominecould hear the sound of his heart shattering.

He had broken their friendship like that.

I didn’t wantto say it. Please don’t leave me. I didn’t want to be left alone for real. Iwas stupid. Don’t abandon me. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.

But Kuroko turned his back to Aomine and ran away withshaking shoulders.

Aomine felt an electrifying adrenaline rush that pushedhim forwards, to stop him before it was too late, and finally his body moved.He stumbled stretching out his hand, but found himself suddenly falling into darkness.

“TESTU!” he screamed looking around, but he was alone,”Testu!”called wobbling up and looking around helplessly.

From afar, Kuroko appeared in his Seirin’s uniform.

“Tetsu! I’m here” exclaimed relieved, a hopeful smile startingto spread on his lips, but it died immediately, seeing the way Kuroko washolding someone else’s hand.

“I’m sorry Aomine-kun. You’re not my light anymore. I’vefound someone better.” Kuroko stated deadpanned and his eyes were completelyempty. Not a single emotion directed to Aomine. “And it’s all your fault.” Accusedhim.

Then, shadows engulfed them.

“TESTU!”

 Aomine jumped seated on the bed, his scream stillechoing in the dark room, and he gripped the sheets so tightly his knuckleswere completely white. He panted without recognizing anything, Kuroko’s dead expressionstill impressed in his eyes.

“Aomine-kun, please calm down. I’m here.” A warm voicestartled him and he turned his head to the right with hallucinated eyes. He foundKuroko’s face in the semi-darkness, the real one, and instinctively grabbed hist-shirt to pull him closer into a rough hug.

“Testu!” moaned sinking his head in the crook of theboy’s neck, passing his fingers through Kuroko’s hair and down his body as to verifyhe was the real thing. Aomine’s heart was still beating like a crazy drum.

“I’m here, I’m here.” Kuroko chanted softly, rubbingcircles on his back and waiting for him to calm down.

“I’m sorry.” Aomine muttered against his shoulder, hischapped lips brushing against the bare skin.

Kuroko shivered but managed to pull a lock of his hairhard enough to make him hiss.

“Stop apologizing.” Scolded him quietly, “I’ve alreadyforgiven you a long time ago.” He didn’t need Aomine to explain his dream tounderstand; it wasn’t the first time it happened and it wasn’t going to be lastone, for now. Aomine was still letting his past and regrets haunting him andtorturing him for what he’d done to him, however Kuroko had decided to heal hiswounds slowly, with time. He looked forward the day he could sleep an entirenight knowing Aomine wasn’t going to wake up screaming his name and gazing athis face like he was a ghost ready to disappear.

“Yeah, sorry.” Aomine mumbled, beginning to regain controlover himself. The warmth of his boyfriend’s body was calming him down. It wasokay, he was there in their shared room.

“Are you trying to making me mad?” Kuroko huffedpinching his skin and Aomine finally let out an amused snort.

“Tomorrow I’m gonna punch Kagami.” Growled nuzzlingagainst Kuroko’s neck like a cat, thinking back at his dream,

“Please don’t.” he replied deadpanned, trying to putsome distance between them, but Aomine’s grip around the waist was top strong.The oblivious Kagami had never done anything to deserve it.

“Then I’m gonna beat him one-on-one.”

“You already do.” Kuroko rolled his eyes and Aominechuckled against him, knowing well that lately his victory against the otherboy wasn’t as sure as it was in the past.

They stayed hugged to each other for some seconds insilent.

“Testu.” Aomine suddenly called just to hear the soundof it, fatiguing to keep his eyes open.

“Yes?” he replied, sensing tiredness in his voice.

“I love you.” Stated firmly, a fond smirk on his face.

Kuroko quieted down and Aomine felt him clinging tohis shirt, he sensed his heart missing a heartbeat and felt the cheek that wasresting against Aomine’s temple becoming hotter.

“Yeah, I know.” he replied with the usual monotonevoice, “You made it pretty clear some hours ago. Even though tomorrow I’ve towake up early.”

At his reply, Aomine burst into laughter and fellbackwards on the bed, dragging the boy with him. He positioned Kuroko on his chestand caged him in his arms, intertwining their legs.

“Aomine-kun, I’m not breathing.” Kuroko tried to arguefeeling squeezed, but the other didn’t pay attention to him.

“Uh-hu…” he just hummed, drifting off with a smirk onhis lips.

Kuroko sighed, failing to restrain a smile, and triedto find a comfortable position against his chest; after Aomine had been fallendeeply asleep, he was going to roll away from his deathly grip as usual. Butfor now, he was just going to stay there counting his heartbeats.

[dpdr-dreams]

hi, i was wondering how i can get diagnosis independently such as online or something because im finding it difficult to tell m y parents about my symptoms. im regularly dissociating and nothing feels real and im constantly suicidal and have intrusive thoughts and do impulsive things like harming myself,,, i need answers

HI anon ! Thank you so much for your ask !

depending what you want from a diagnosis will depend where you go. I’m glad you're talking about your worries about parental involvement into your health, as i actually was referred without parental involvement at all to my child and adolescent mental health service (uk mental health system) ! be it from the issues being sources from home/ worried about parents potential negative outlook to treatment or diagnosis/ family circumstance which can in turn result in a difficult treatment process as you can already be maybe experiencing , but i strongly still advise if there’s a way to educate (if its not a case of safety or worsening mental health obviously) parents, family or gradually open debates on general mental health or provide a way for any parent or carer to then be in a better mindset and moral position to help you when you may need it most or support you along treatment, and if this is not possible find friends you can be open with or a teacher, therapist, social worker/counselor, just someone you can trust ! :). some adult try to think of (especially their) children in the best light so mental health issues can be a little confusing and feel most helpful cover it up (till its over) kinda thing (which any professional will tell you ‘off the bat’ is not how it works with mental health, brain is an organ that requires care on top of that body part being also linked up to your whole body, so is a priority and no care can make things much worse) especially very confusing for a parent or someone who has never experienced dissociation before. thats my step one, step two is back to thinking who to ask! so, for example, if your looking for help with your symptoms or a treatment path, but step one if family isnt working out right now or you don’t feel now is the right time (which i understand, and agree with you if thats your choice trust me aha) i would recommend counselors that can work into your school schedule with our disrupting a school timetable and take notes of symptoms and then transfer them to a phycologist that can privately come in for you to meet with you outside of school, remember often admitting discomfort around parental involvement is often respected and makes things easier! if your not at school or uni/college a local church or temple will have someone you can talk to and they tend to be a lot more private with information, as they won’t, have a name and document attached to you like in a school setting, but can be a more lengthy wait to meet a genuine diagnostic phycologist who can recommend you then for dpdr treatment as unlike a school there’s no laws ensuring time limits for waits, but i can almost guarantee they will know your local centers or services specific to you too during that wait.  ,or if you’re rather looking for the validation of a diagnosis and less of a treatment (which i do not recommend without then digging further for treatment after diagnosis as of the serious nature of dpdr) making appointments with your doctor and use key symptoms and words, bring up dpdr prior if possible, on phone or email etc and prepare your doctor to learn about dissociation before appointment as they will be a general practitioner and likely not even be aware of dissociation so dont let this hold you back from receiving help., use bus routes and learn your transport to your doctors and work out how to get there by yourself or with non-family related transport like friends etc. if being physically present for an appointment doesn’t work discuss with local church/temple or school to write a recommendation for as you said ‘online’ are “skype”/video call or “phone based” therapies and appointments which my university has and i believe is a method being implemented universally around the world atm, although I’m not sure how comfortable most diagnostic doctors are with creating a fully diagnosable profile of a person without seeing you interact in real terms with them and talk face to face but this can help create a profile, speed up the whole process, as less in centre time for a doctor to schedule and limit total of parental questioning visits out of the house without an excuse if your a bad liar like me aha. if your still worried about your privacy? discuss legality of search up on your age and information sharing laws of where you live. but this should in no shape of form limit your ability to get support when you need it, so don't let fear or other people come between you’re health and especially with what your describing its critical to find treatment as soon as possible as it can have longer lasting and faster recovery from damaging symptoms. so step three you’ve found the path of entry to a doctor best suited for you, create a list of symptoms, as i know i certainly dissociate during a session and can’t imagine the bravery it takes to make that first jump for you so to avoid your dissociation limiting your treatment again ill reiterate, use keywords, key symptoms ideally in perspective to how its effecting the main “three life indicators” social life, work and school life, and day to day routine functioning and use depersonalisation and derealisation, dissociation, etc as this helps your doctors more than imaginable in figuring out what’s going on in your head, remember  even the experts aren’t experts  and will need your guidance sometimes to reach a conclusion to help you or recommend you to the right people for you, be honest!. some resources to help you find some words that will ‘click’ better with a doctor and other help dpdr related->  (http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/dissociative-disorders/#ddd). as i know with my doctors at least they we’re very confused initially and then extra time had to to be spent on rewording my experiences to what they were taught as they were not very well working with dissociative disorders but of course had the basic training as a phycologist. dissociation is terrifying as im sure you know so i recommend finding grounding or ‘time slowing’ techniques that help to slightly regaining enough time to prevent impulses taking over your ability to control your own bodies actions. its key to not panic during dissociation and sometimes sit and accept the sensations even if quite violent or sensory distressing, gaining control when your not there to be in control is something i combat every day and it can feel scary but certain techniques like going limp or short term solutions to keep you from harm is important right now till you get the support you feel you need. i also recommend discussing medication before talking any as many effect dissociation and should be taken into consideration which many doctors forget and EMDR is the best and latest treatment for chronic dpdr ! so make sure this is mentioned in your first appointment as to put you on the waiting list asap i write a bit more on it here -> and dpdr in general to help you or anyone your talking to to understand it all a bit better ive written and used external information to help me put this page together https://dpdr-dreams.tumblr.com/about%20dpdr  

although treatment can vary too , remember they will be trauma-related treatment rather than only grounding technique worksheets as your symptoms are 24/7 dissociation,( some suffer from off and on anxiety induced moments of dpdr , so dont let your doctor confuse these things and put you on the wrong care programme) the treatment list will be, CBT, talk therapies, medication for other emotional health issues you may also be experiencing, but the most important treatment at the moment  for dpdr is EMDR, so as of your long lasting sensations i’d say it would be best fighting for that care plan :).

again if its more you feel you struggle abit to talk with parents but are able to if possible persist! and educate! u can use some of the information i provided to help you make your point to your parents if that’s easier or write down how you feel or the symptoms of a real illness you’re experiencing to your parent, find a way if possible! :)) 

if you feel you need a sense of validation of dissociative experiences i recommend DES like tests online as they’re linked to most clinical tests and can help you label your illness to yourself as it is common in dissociation to feel confused over it all as of the nature of dissociation-> http://www.traumatherapyboulder.com/mental-maladies-and-the-history-of-the-dsm/treatment-of-ptsd-dissociation/the-dissociative-experiences-scale-des/

and of course if you are in a state of crisis or need someone externally to have a talk to about what your going through which i know can happen so easily when dealing with such persistent and uncontrollable illnesses here’s a mix of phone, text and live chat spaces to help you when you need-> 

  The Trevor Project Call 866-488-7386 (24/7) Live Chat with the Trevor Project (Fridays 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM EST)

Crisis Text Line: Text SUPPORT to 741-741 (24/7). Our trained counsellors can discuss anything that’s on your mind. Free, 24/7, confidential.

thanks again for your important ask :) sorry if it was wordy and general or was a bit of a word jumble.of course i have experience with it so if you have more questions, or later questions at any point after you found your pathway and/or plan for care i will be willing to be more specific as i dont know your country and its laws of practice of course, and stay safe anon, seriously hope you the best ! x