#for real bringing me back to uni when i would stay up typing till like the last miNUTE

[seiwas]

why must i procrastinate writing to the death

[channieswife21]

The Greatest Game

Yandere Chanyeol Imagine

“I need you to pay close attention right now (Y/N)” Baek said to me, I wrapped my arms around my body in the cold Seoul winter wind. I'd heard this spill 25 times on the way to the train station. I was exhausted emotionally and physically and the way that Baek was focused on me only made me want to curl in on myself. I only glanced away before turning my eyes to the concrete below my feet, giving a miniscule nod.

“A nod is not good enough, love. I need you to repeat the plan back to me. ”

He didn’t have to look out for me, a person he had only known for a couple of months from uni. I couldn't help that my mind started to wander...If only things had been different.

“I board the train out of Seoul and head towards Daegu. From Daegu, I will take the plane waiting for me to Barcelona.” I stop when I realize I've forgotten what happens when I get there. Xiumin chimed in patiently. “Then from Barcelona you meet Marlana and she takes you to the airport and you fly to LA.”

The journey across the world sounded excessive, but in reality, it might not be enough.

“And you don’t stop until you’ve gotten to LA. Meet my sister at UCLA” I turn to look at Sehun who was speaking who no doubt feels guilty for all this. He was the one that set us up after all but he couldn't have known this would happen.

“Where's your phone?” Jumyeon asks. “He's a computer science major sweetheart. I'm sure he could track you, don't make it too easy for him that isn't like you.” I ignore the fact that he just insinuated that I'm difficult and handed him my phone.

He was right Chanyeol would never stop looking for me once he got home and realized I was gone. He's always been the right kind of possessive...until now.

“Jesus H. Christ (Y/N)” I look up at myeon with a confused face. “You have 30 missed calls and 60 messages, guess he's back home now which means we're running out of time.” I checked the last message.

“I just know there's a reason my peaches isn't here now. I know there's a reason your shit is gone isn't there? I thought we discussed why you need not run from me, peaches.”  

Looking at the scared look on my face Xiumin takes my phone and puts it in the trash. Kyungsoo looks up and grabs my arm tightly. “We have to go before he gets real smart real quick and finds where we are.”

I didn't always feel like this about Chanyeol, scared and distant, I used to feel the cliche butterflies in my stomach as I looked at his smile and the way he would look at me.

Now I just feel numb.

I met Chanyeol on a blind date Sehun had set us up on. He said he had a friend that needed someone to bring him out of his loner type life. I was that someone, focused on my studies so much that I had forgotten to have a social life, we were the perfect match, he gave me a life and I gave him purpose. I helped him focus on his studies at Yonsei and even helped him discover his love for computer science and technology in general and he had a real gift for it. He would take me on dates to places I had no idea existed. The most beautiful places in Seoul and even Jeju island. Going to parties and public places was a bit of a hassle with him sometimes. He would always get into arguments with other men because they got too close or because they would simply look my way. Once at a bar this man turned and bumped into me on accident and as he turned to apologize Chanyeol decked him right in the face and we were thrown out. I simply took it as him being a little more possessive than others..oh how i was wrong. Sehun had warned me of Chanyeol's possessiveness but none of us could have known the extent it would go.

When I came home late from my shift at the hospital I found Chanyeol asleep on the couch in front of his laptop. I smiled thinking he had fallen asleep waiting on me again. As I went to wake him I glanced at his laptop and saw the familiar hallways of the hospital I had just been relieved from. Confused and but not yet scared I look closer and see one camera focused on the desk area I reside at and the patient rooms I had been servicing. I gasped slightly. Was he spying on me? I had gasped a little too loudly because he woke up with panicked eyes and started gathering his laptop and had the nerve to start questioning me as if I was the one that had something to explain. “Why are you meddling in my things while i'm sleeping!” “ME? You were the one spying on ME!” “I wasn't spying, I was trying to make sure you were ok! It's passed the time you're usually home.” so he felt that he had a right to hack into the cameras at my job? We talked it out but I was still uneasy.

He had a knack for tying me up during sex.

I had been tied to a chair in our room after him not seeing me for a week because of our finals and work. “Oh my god, I missed this,” I gasped, his mouth closing around my nipple and his teeth tugging softly on it. I could feel him smile against me. “Who do you belong to?” 

“You daddy only you.” “That's a good girl.” he unties me and throws me onto the bed and crawls up towards me. His tongue darted down to lick me in my entirety before circling my clit again. I managed to grip the top of his head through the blankets and press him closer. He worked on me and added fingers to help stimulation. He bites the inside of my thigh and leaves marks all over my lower body. He liked to leave marks on me. Whenever some would fade away he would just add more. He was rough holding my thighs tightly and biting every so often. But he never failed to make me feel good. I whined in pleasure as my release finally came, his hands held me down with force as my hips started to buck. “Fucking shit,” I panted, as I felt my body relax. His lips kissed a trail up my pelvis, my abdomen, his head finally revealing itself again as he pressed a kiss to my lips with the sheet framing his euphoric face.

What was the last straw was 4 weeks ago. I had gone out with friends yet I kept feeling a pair of eyes on me. I brushed it off and kept enjoying my night. I started dancing with my friends and this guy came up behind me and started dancing on me. I turned around and politely let him know I had a boyfriend and he left me alone. As we were on our way out we heard yelling and turned around to see a man on the ground with another man punching him repeatedly till he was bloody in the face. I noticed the man as the one that tried to dance with me and….Chanyeol?!?!?!? What the actual hell. “CHANYEOL!!” When he sees me I notice, his eyes go from fiery to soft. “Oh peaches..”

When we got home he slammed the door and turned to me “What have I told you about going out with other people? You're mine! No one is allowed to be that close to you.” “Chanyeol, you cannot stalk me!!” “you're mine peaches, i'll do as I please and you do well to remember that!!”

“Myeon I can't do this alone I can't be alone.” For some reason I still loved him. I didn't wanna leave but it was for my own safety. “He’s never gonna leave you alone if you're still here.”

“Um we have a problem.” “What Jongin?”

“He’s here.”

We all turn around and see him brooding towards us.

All aboard!

“Go, i'll go hold him off” Thank the lord for jongdae. I board the train with my head down and find a seat furthest away from the door. I look straight out of the window and lock eyes with Chanyeol and can't help but freeze. Our relationship flashes before my eyes and I start to think about how maybe the good outweighed the bad and I should stay. Then I remember 

“You'll never escape me.” 

I know I have to get out of here. He looked so heartbroken and defeated as he whispered “peaches…” and I feel a heart string pull at the fond nickname. Then that side comes out and he mouths….

“You're mine. I'll find you. I promise.”

[rkwxnb]

shout out to rookies!

This is going to be short. At least now that I’m typing this I hope it would be since I’m a few seconds from knocking out. On top of that, I know I’m going to forget really important people for the same reason of why I hope this would be short... also because as always, I am doing this last minute. ( peace!! ) 

Rookies as the great Miss Grande once said. “One taught me love. One taught me patience. And One taught me pain.” I hope you all feel me when I say that’s all on you, RK! --- “Thank you, -- my stay tune for my next muse.” 

Now that cringe moment is over with. I wanna do a roll-call at my special people! For those who stuck with me during the times, I was in rookies and while I was out doing god-knows-what.

RKCAP: This asswhole muse of mine who got into scandals and ruined one friendship after another, found his family ( by bond and friendship ) though this rp. Even until now I have to say he is the strongest muse in my whole rp-history. Having played him over at least two-years, before dropping his booty from wanting to become an idol, and evidently out of rookies. Outcast by his own family, with the help of the bro/anti-squad ( @aronrk - strawberry bruh! @rkkangjoon - lover joon! @rkgray - co-parenting daddy bruh + @rkxminhee - little minx min @rkwendy calm and collected sis @borark my get out of jail free card ) Not to mention, his little shit brother @rkohsehun NODDLEBOY! you’re all fam and I don’t have to tell you how many times I wish I can bring this boy back because of you lot! 

Special shout-out to his ladies Jieun- ( @yujurk ) and Elly ( @hyunark ) them girls are his solid. Soulmates and Lovers. They are the core reason that he is still sane. One can say, they are his everything. 

Yo seriously, Maddy you are by far one of the coolest people I’ve met. You’re insanely solid, my utmost respect to you. Shinobi-- the one-third of IwaBoKuro, see we’re even an ot3 in real life! You’re extremely dedicated to your muses, much like how you are with your friendships, never change bruhski! Saaaammmiiiieee!!! You are by far one of the kindest people I have ever come across, thank you for being you! Clara... gurl wait till Toshi’s turn uwu  Em, you’ve made me such a happy puppy by coming back to rookies! I wish you and baby girl the best in life!

To my first child, Stef, sana okay ka na babybear! I’ve known you since why before rookies and in fact, I remember suggesting you play Sehun when Minsoo’s fc was still Chanyeol’s so we can have exo bruhs! Pero despite all that, I’m seriously proud of how much you’ve grown, you are one of my precious people. Though we don’t speak that much any more, alam I’m always here for you!

To my child, Nana, fix yourself before you wreck yourself! I miss you lots crazy and I hope we get to talk soon. I really wanna hear what's happening with life and how you’re surviving uni. What’s more is we both know that Hyo-Min is actually the IT soulmates, and the whole of Rookies know it. ( if you’re a new mun and you’re reading this... It’s true, believe me uwu ) I hope we have muses with that much of a strong connection again! Love you my mad child! 

To my co-parenting mom, Jen, girl what you doing with your life?! We’ve had our ups and down, despite all that bullshit we’re at it again. To a degree, it’ll never be the same but I do wish if anything, our friendship will grow stronger instead. Your muses played as my muses lover, twin and admirer, but in real life, you once told me that you believe people have seven soulmates, though you’re a little shit that believes Yoongi is one of them. You did mention I maybe have taken a spot to, so no take-backs asshole. You’re stuck with me now. Peace!

RKTOSHI: This boy was Minho- then Dean... Then Yuto, heck back to Minho, then finally his sorry ass became Jisoo. He is one of the most complex and interesting muses I have ever played. The shit show he was a part of had been insane, from being a part of the Yakuza to being shot and finally a part of Nova ( like this hoe-man actually got signed! ) Aside from Soyeon ( sit your ass down Jen I already called you out ) he was a part of the Mensa-Squad with his @rkxkjd daddy-D ( KATIE LEE SIGN MY D ) and his @rkjohnny forever-hubby ( that now has his very own princess ). To the only women that kept him on a leash @rkyooa the one that got away and @dahyexrkarchive proxy grandma. Thanks to him joining the mgas he met his adoptive ma @rkjei! 

Yurim!! DADDY-DAE! You’re one of the most amazing people I’ve had the pleasure of meeting, especially in real life. I utterly respect you from moving away from home and following your dreams. You’re an a-class writer; I wish you the all the best for your endeavors! 

Claraaaa ‘te~ The leader of rkpinoy squad-- seriously, even Johnny boy if from the Philippines. You’ve kept me sane and has been the voice of reason to many, including myself and my shit show muse. We once had an almost ship with Toshi and Wendy, but somehow I’m glad it didn’t work out because DANG LOOK AT YOU AND HUGO! Sana happy ka sa work and I’m always looking forward to your sports commentary be it figure staking, basketball, volleyball and cheerleading, Lab you sis! 

Bun, the 2nd-third of IwaBoKuro--!! Man, I love the fact that we embody our muses even outside the roleplay. Still completely in touch irrespective of the fact that you’re no longer in this rp. You still the best! Much like Dahye kicks Toshi’s ass ( literally and figuratively ) you do the same with me, except more in the game-mode xP Whenever you wanna come back, I’ll be sure to have another mess of a muse to latch on to yours like a leech. 

Nic, you angel. Even though we’ve only just gotten closer this year, I swear to God I am truly blessed for having you in my life. You’re one of my persons. You’re exceptionally strong and amazingly kind and considerate. I am sorry for all the bullshit you had to go through here and I’m hella proud you didn’t let those get you down and give up on your muses! 

Roe, my true soulmate. Holy shit. I reckon its more than five years since we’ve known each other. You’re muse almost married mine. Heck, we have plans to platonically get married ( because we gonna cheat the system ). I absolutely cannot imagine my life without you. You are my ultimate person. As you rightly said in your post, my ride and die. The strongest and fiercest of people, both in the real world and rp. You take no shit from anybody and would fight for what you believe is right, especially stand up to those who are getting bullied. Without being anymore sappy, I do love you with all of me and I am always gonna be here for you. Just because you are amazing and worth it all. 

RKNAEUN + RKAVERY: My two latest muses ( actually the ones currently in rookies ) I never imagine there would be a time where I would have only female muses in rookies. Considering my strongest muses here were the boys. But keeping you both and actually maintaining your arc ( plus organizing your points properly ) is something I’m actually proud of myself of. Since Avery is still relatively new ( her strongest bonds have yet to fully form, but one of them is definitely Hoby! ) I’mma focus on Naeun’s friendships! From the chaebol-childhood friends to fam @rkchaeyoung her idol unnie to @rksunwoo best oppa sunwoo. her dancing queen leader @rkhyojeong and her best friend 4eva @rkleeflix . I want to thank all of you for being her inspiration! 

Special shoutout to Amy we too old for optimism but I shit you know if I know anyone who’s going to make it through all this, it’ll be you! You are the most real person that I know. Oddly enough we got closer when I came back in rookies then my first time around here. You’ve been there for me in the toughest times, even though I know you were going through you’re own worries. I’m eternally grateful for that. With everything said and done, I hope I can return even slightest bit of happiness and comfort you’ve given me, because I know I can’t match all the times you’ve had to deal with me.Thank you loads for everything, me hearts you!

Thank you rkmods/admins. Without you, I would not have met all these precious people. Thank you for tirelessly listening to all of us whine about how unfair everything is and still remain here. Thank you for giving us your time and efforts to keep our escape from the real world alive. Most importantly, thank you for being the backbone of all this glorious foundation. You all is amazing. Happy RKFIFTH and I hope many more to come! 

Yours,  ( Lyn | @rkavery + @rkxsnn ) 

P.S. I lied this wasn’t short at all. [ sorry for the grammatic/spelling errors... lets be real if this post didn’t have those, then you can all speculate that I didn’t actually write it. 

[lightning-loving]

You Drive Me Crazy - Mafia Au with Youngjae

Part 2

This was completely written for @lulumonnie as a revenge. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I enjoyed writing it. This also turned out a lot longer then i originally planned. 

Warnings: Mafia Au,Smut,Swearing Word Count: 4068

Crumbling what felt like the millionth paper you got up throwing it in some random corner. Your room was filled with many papers laying around. You had tried to write something for uni but somehow nothing was working. Your brain just wasn’t giving into your plead. Wishing for more luck after a shower, you disappeared in the bathroom. Still your brain refused. It might be because you’d been attempting to write this paper for a total of 4 days and were running out of things to put. So far only a small amount was done. It didn’t help writing the already finished stuff down on your computer. With a sigh you grabbed your phone. A friend had offered to take you out to party if you needed and maybe that was the right thing. 2 hours later you were in a packed club barely able to move. Too many people had decided that this club was the best for the night and all headed there at around the same time as you and your friend did. There was no way this would help you relax a bit. Excusing yourself from the small group of remaining friends that had tagged along you made your way to the exit. Breathing in the fresh air helped getting a single straight thought. Maybe you didn’t need to go clubbing but just needed fresh air. A small walk wouldn’t hurt and it may take a few more hours till you were able to get home unless you got a taxi early. Not thinking much and just enjoying the semi silent night you walked into a random direction. All went well until a random person grabbed you and held a gun to your head. You wanted to scream for help until a few men in black clothes came near that is until you saw each of them taking a hold of their guns training them on the guy holding you. At this moment you were sure that it wasn’t supposed to be your week. First you weren’t able to finish a simple paper and now you were being killed by some random dude. Great. Just fucking great. 

„Seriously Dude? Getting some random girl into this won’t save your ass“, one of them said. You couldn’t tell which one as your vision started getting blurry. Were you really crying? Giving yourself a silent pep talk you quickly turned around and rammed your knee in the guys lower area. Frankly he had loosened his grip on you as the 6 people had gotten closer and he wasn’t focused enough to care about you still in his arms. Now he was clutching his crotch, cursing you. Laughing the males come nearer taking the guy into their supervision. You didn’t wait for them to thank you and just ran. There was no way you wanted to stay near this scene any longer. It wasn’t till something hit your back that you stopped. Well you fell to the ground both from the hit and from the pain coming from it. You blacked out a few seconds later. You didn’t know for how long you’ve been unconscious but the moment you were able to hear voices everything came back. The guy who took you hostage. The six guys chasing him. You hitting him and running away. The hit that should have killed you. You sat up faster then you should have as you were welcomed with black spots blocking your vision. „Easy. Take it slow.“ A young man forced you to lay back down. He gave you a small smile. „It’s okay. I took care of your wound.“ He handed you a glass. You emptied it almost instantly. „What happened?“, your voice cracked at the end. You must have been out for a long time. „The guy somehow got hold of one of our guns and shot you. Only the shoulder though. Maybe you should take more breaks it looked like your body needed the rest.“ As he talked your right hand went to your hurt shoulder. Instant pain shot through your body. It was only the shoulder. You didn’t die. „How long was I out?“ As the last pain waves simmered down you looked at him. „About 4 days? Yeah I think so. I’m Himchan by the way. Your wound should heal fast. If you rest.“ You nodded. Not caring much for a name or anything else. „Can I go? I’ve surely taken enough of your time already.“ „It’s not up to me if you’re allowed to leave. Might be to dangerous for us.“ Did he mean they would kill you? You hadn’t even seen any of their faces. Know only one by name and saw his face but that wouldn’t be enough of a reason to kill you. After all they looked after you and made sure the wound would heal. „Don’t look so shocked. We won’t kill you. The guy was stupid to bring someone in this. Once you're all healed up you can go. Just try to not get in our way again.“ You nodded as if you could do anything else. „When can I leave?“ Himchan took off the bandage on your shoulder, inspecting the wound. „It looks good but even if Yongguk lets you leave it would be good to come here every day so I can change the bandage. By the way your friends tried to get a hold of you. Might wanna call them back.“ You nodded, searching for your phone. Himchan handed it to you with a small smile. As he left you alone you couldn’t help but ask: „Don’t you want to know who I am?“ Himchan laughs. „We already found out who you are. I’ll let Yongguk know you are awake. He might have some more questions, so you better finish your calls fast.“ He closed the door and left you alone.

Pondering how they are able to know who you are, you checked your phone, seeing plenty missed calls, a bunch of messages and angry emails by your professor as you missed the Deadline for your paper. You decided to answer him real quick with an half true answer and hope he gives you a few more days to finish. If not this paper surely wasn’t going to kill your grades. At least you hoped it wasn’t. 10 minutes after Himchan left another guy came in. Flanked by two others. He sat down on the stool next to your bed. Holding your breath you waited for him to start asking questions. All he did was stare at you. It made you more and more nervous, the longer he stared the less sure you are you will go home alive. Finally he spoke: „You are allowed to leave but Youngjae will stay with you at least till your shoulder is healed. Maybe longer. Some of your friends seem to have ties with a mafia family. The one the guy was working for.“ You tried understanding all the informations, well mainly the fact that one of your friends had ties to the mafia. That seemed like such a lie but you couldn’t believe that Yongguk would lie. He didn’t seem like the type to lie about these kind of things. „I only walked there randomly. The club was filled with to many people. I didn’t know. Who’s Youngjae? Can I trust him?“ You felt stupid for what you said but your mind was still scattered. How had your life turned this way. „That would be me“, the slightly smaller guy said. You weren’t sure if there was any height difference but it looked like it for a few seconds. Looking again you saw that one has blond dyed hair while the other, Youngjae, had kept his natural hair color. „I trust him and you should too.“ You looked back at Yongguk. Now that you were no longer as confused, you were able to take a closer look at him. He was wearing a dress shirt slightly unbuttoned to show his chest tattoo. He was handsome yet you found yourself glancing at the guy called Youngjae more than once. He managed to catch you every now and then giving you a knowing smile. „When can I go then? I still have a paper to finish and I’ve already missed the Deadline by 2 days.“ „You can leave. Youngjae will keep me updated if anything seem off. If you don’t mind I would find it better if he stayed at your apartment.“ It took you a while to realize what he had just said. Youngjae staying with you. You had no couch so you had to share a bed with him. While it seemed wrong you still said: „If it’s okay for him to sleep on the floor. I’m not sharing my bed.“ Yongguk and the other guy laughed. Youngjae on the other hand seemed less excited about it but still nodded not planing on disobeying his leader. An hour later you were finally back at your apartment. Everything looked exactly the same as you left it.

Crumbled paper everywhere. Unfinished food on your desk. Opening the windows to let in fresh air you started cleaning up the mess. Youngjae sprinted to your side whenever you hissed from the pain as your shoulder still needed rest but you didn’t want to let everything just lay around. Youngjae helped you till you told him to screw off. He wasn’t much help and just stood in your way. The end of the song though was you sitting in his car again, driving back to their hideout. Due to you not letting him help you in the slightest and actually hitting his arm with your bad side the stitches opened up again and blood had started seeping out. Youngjae had called ahead so it was no surprise that Himchan and Daehyun, who had introduced himself after Yongguk left and Youngjae got his stuff to stay with you, were already waiting for the two of you to arrive. Himchan didn’t look happy. Surely it wasn’t good that you managed to open up the stitches but it's not like you wanted to be there again so soon. You didn’t even think about it when you reached out to hit Youngjae not until the pain was back. Youngjae hadn’t even finished complaining when Himchan had already answered his call. Sitting in the room you waited for Himchan to be done. This made you more than determined to not come back till tomorrow to have him check everything. There was no way you wanted go back there more than once a day for a while and then leave this part of your life behind. Well you couldn’t have been more wrong. The healing of your wound had taking longer then usual. Some accidents made it re-open 4 more times. Much to everyones dislike. The longer Youngjae stayed with you the more you’d come to like him. After 3 months your wound was healed and Youngjae disappeared.

It was weird going back to your Youngjae-free life. He didn’t call nor say hey when you passed each other. You’ve went to places the two of you had been to several times hoping to meet him. Well you saw and greeted him but he acted like nothing happened. Nothing at all. Not the night you two got a lot closer than you would have ever thought you would go with a guy like him but he turned out to be the sweetest lover you could imagine. Clearly he was sassy and more often than not on your behalf but it all was fine. Long before you could realize, you had fallen in love with him. You were sure one night he even confessed to like you too. Not when you were knowingly awake. He had thought that you were already sleeping when you heard him whisper: „I wish the others weren’t against me liking you.“ It had taken you all your will strength not to turn around right there and then and say: „Screw the others“ and start making out with him. It wasn’t till weeks later that you two got intimate.

-Flashback- Youngjae had gotten back from a small mission Yongguk had sent him on with Jongup and Zelo. Now that your wound was almost healed he let him go on missions again. Something about making the separation go by smoothly. You and Youngjae had grown even closer and had started making out with each other on random occasions. It never went really far and usually Youngjae disappeared for a while afterwards. Today was no different. It had become normal for the two of you to make out a little after he came back from a mission and then he left to sort himself out before joining you in your bed to sleep. You set yourself a goal this morning. No more just making out. You wanted to go further. Preparing for him to come, you had put on an outfit you had seen him constantly stare when you wore it that one time. It was no different today. The moment he stepped through your door and saw you waiting for him in this outfit all he wanted was to take you right there but Yongguk’s words made him stop. It wasn’t only Yongguk who had told him several times to not catch feelings. Everyone had. Each time they saw how happy he got when your name was mentioned in the slightest they later reminded him that there was no way he should put you in this situation. And they were right. At least he tried to believe that it was a bad idea to get you even more involved. Yet when you walked closer to him slightly swinging your hips more than usual and put your hands behind his neck while also closing in with your face to give him a kiss he was sure to burst. „I want you Youngjae. Take me.“, you can see his eyes widen at the sudden declaration. You pull his head close, cupping his face with your hands. Smiling, you kiss him. It doesn’t take long for him to kiss back, deepening the kiss. You didn’t need him to say anything as you jumped up into his arms and let him carry you into your bedroom. The moment he had laid you down you could see worry flash through his eyes but it was soon replaced by hunger. He crawled on top of you, craving to touch his skin your hands removed his shirt the moment he was close enough for you to grab it. It didn’t take either of you long to undress the other. Starting to explore the body  as you go. Once your underwear was gone Youngjae inserted a finger into your core while still exploring other parts of your body. It took a lot of begging from your side to finally get him to put his member in you. Afterwards he took care of you and your body. Once the two of you have calmed down enough you fall asleep clinging onto Youngjae. -Flashback end-

There hadn’t been a proper goodbye. One morning you woke up. No Youngjae, beside you only a note letting you know that it was decided you no longer needed their protection. You don’t know for how long you screamed and cried and called each of their phones trying to get one to at least answer you. Weeks later and you still didn’t get over him. You couldn’t remember ever feeling like this. Not a single crush you had during your school years had ever left you feeling this empty. Without Youngjae something was missing and you were determined to get it back. Trying to get them to find you in dangerous places you started offering your friend to help with task. It had taken her some time to tell you that she indeed had ties to a mafia family, actually she was the youngest daughter and while her family tried to keep her out of the business she still found herself in it.

Some weeks after your first offer, she let you know about a deal that B.A.P will attend. They all will be there. While you really shouldn’t look forward to the deal it was a chance to see Youngjae again. Hoping he would react seeing you with another group and forcing you to come with him you get ready. 3 minutes after 10 pm you stood next to your friend waiting for B.A.P to come. The men guarding the two of you had guns on them just in case the other group decided to pull some stunt. 10 minutes later a car pulled up. One by one the familiar faces of B.A.P got out. A shiver went through your body once you spot Youngjae. You had only ever seen him after a mission never during one. His whole posture changed same as his facial expression. One of your friends people hid you from their sight. The deal went by smoothly. Before they could go, your friend revealed she has another present for one of them. They turned back around. All of them had their hands at their guns ready to pull them if needed. You stepped out of the shadow and walked up next to your friend. Once the light hit your features all of them took a double take. Daehyun kept Youngjae from running to you. As he struggled to contain him Yongguk and Himchan get closer. „What is she doing here?“ Your friend smiled and suddenly put a gun against your head. „Looks familiar doesn’t it?“ Shocked you look at your friend. This wasn’t planned. Youngjae managed to free himself from Daehyun’s hold only to run into Yongguk’s outstretched arm. Laughing, your friend told one of her goons to take you. „So desperate to be reunited with one of you she was so stupid to believe that I would let her come with me and not use her as bait. Double what you just paid us and you can get her back. Unless you don’t want her back then I might as well put her out of her misery.“ You could see each of them being conflicted with what to do. It wasn’t until the goon forced you to kneel down and trained his gun to your head that Yongguk agreed. Happily she waited for them to leave, reminding them that they only have 2 days before she will pull a bullet through your head. After they were gone she hugged you and thanked you for helping her. Confused you look at her. „Did you really think you just being here would make them care? Now they feel the need to protect you and I also get more money so it’s a win win situation. I would never pull a bullet through your head sweetie but I couldn’t tell you otherwise they wouldn’t have believed us.“

2 days later you were back at the spot to meet B.A.P. This time they weren't late, not even a single second. Even though they weren't near, you could tell that Youngjae and the rest didn’t get much sleep the last two days. Jongup was the one giving your friend the bag with money. On of her goons looked through it, grinning bigger and bigger. Giving a nod towards your friend she made you get up. „She’s all yours. Always nice to make business with you.“ As you walked over to Youngjae who was already waiting for you at the front of everyone you couldn't help but see the other pulling out their guns getting ready to shoot. Once you were back in his arms and away from the group you suddenly heard gunshots. Youngjae’s hold get’s stronger as you tried to get out of it. Wanting to make them stop. Telling them it’s all a misunderstanding but it was too late. When Youngjae let’s go of you, you could see your friends body laying still on the ground. Around her the goons. You started crying. This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. It was all wrong. You’ve lost one of your closest friends and to what cost. Getting the guy? Was it really worth it? The next few weeks they made you stay with them again. You were still trying to get over your friends death when Yongguk told you that you can go back to your apartment. You had learned to hide you real emotions in the short time. You didn’t want them to know how badly it hurt. Youngjae stayed with you again. This time he didn’t care about anything the others said. For him you had proven enough that you wanted to stay with him. Youngjae spent all his free time with you. While he wasn’t sure why the death of your friend had taken you so badly he was determined to help you get over it.

Months later your relationship was going well. You’ve found yourself forgetting about the disaster that happened. Now your main priority was being with Youngjae. Since you had missed too many important classes you had decided to start again after everything had cooled down. Since Youngjae knew what might happen to you if people outside the gang found out about your relationship with him he made Jongup teach you some self-defense just in case. At one point the others had accepted you as Youngjae’s girlfriend, no longer trying to get him to leave you. It became the start of a good friendship between you and them. A year after the first time you met Youngjae he suddenly became more closed off then ever. Not letting you know in advance that he wasn’t going to make it home and not telling you what made him late. It wasn’t until one day that you came home later then usual. Opening the door you’re meet with candles leading you first into the living room. No Youngjae in sight but a huge bouquet of your favorite flowers and a small note letting you know that he is waiting for you in your shared bedroom. Even if you didn’t know what exactly he had planned but having an idea you decided to let him know you’re on your way to the bedroom by calling his name. Once you opened the door to the bedroom you saw your boyfriend sitting on the bed. Smirking as he saw your surprised look. He was dressed up in all black. The first 3 buttons of his dress shirt unbuttoned. Getting up he walked over to you. The moments he was near enough you grabbed him, pulling him close. Kissing him with such desperation that he couldn’t help but laugh. It took him a while to actually remember what his plan was, too distracted by your sudden need to pounce him. „Princess. I’ll be all yours soon but please let me get this out before you make me…oh god please do this again.“ Giggling you sucked on his skin again. While you didn’t know what made him so irresistible at this very moment you didn’t care all you wanted was him naked and in you right this second. It took Youngjae 3 more tries before he finally gave up. Throwing you on the bed and following your body with his you were met with plenty pleasure and too many orgasms that you start seeing stars and were sure that you wouldn’t be able to walk tomorrow. After Youngjae was done cleaning you up and having you lay on his still bare chest drawing small patterns on his skin he couldn’t help but say: „You drive me crazy. I can’t even ask you to m..“, you looked up as he spoke and put a finger on his lips stopping him from talking. „I would love to be your wife Youngjae.“ „How do you…“ „It’s pretty obvious. I came home to candles and a bouquet of flowers and a very good looking boyfriend waiting for me.“ He kissed your head smiling against it. „I still want to propose properly. Not today but soon.“ After another kiss this time on your lips you could feel yourself fall asleep. Some weeks later he proposes. At a Restaurant to make sure you won’t jump on him again.

[codename-bewareofthefangirl]

Can I have angst future AoKuro where Aomine dreams of their past in Teiko when he abandoned Kuroko, and then Kuroko comforts and reassures him. Fluff in the end, thanks!

Hi dear!Finally some AoKuro! It was really a pleasure to write it, Aomine being my favoritecharacter, and I hope you’re going to enjoy it too. I’d imagined this situateda bit further in time; maybe first year of uni or something like that, and I’vebalanced angst and fluff! Yes, I used and reinterpreted the anime’ scene (waitnot being a bit canon) that I believe signed the turning point and that hypotheticallyin the future would hurt Aomine the most when thinking back.

Have a good read!

 Nightmare

 Aomine blinked annoyed by something and tiredly liftedhis eyelids, his body lying in the wet grass. Above him, in the sky rolled darkclouds like waves of a stormy sea. Cold, heavy rain dropped down drenching him ‘tillthe bones.

I don’t like thistype of sky.

Where am I?

A sudden, worried voice called him. He recognized it immediately;he could have recognized it in an excited crowd, wearing earphones.

“Aomine-kun, let’s go back to practice.”

He straightened up and turned slowly. A young Kurokowas looking at him from the path over him, while Aomine just remained still onthe bank.

He felt the urgency to raise a hand and show a smirk,but his body remained frozen. He wanted to call Kuroko’s name, to answer his call,but his lips moved on their own.

 “Why should I? For what purpose do I need topractice?” he heared himself asking with cold and cynic amusement “You realizedI already win even if I don’t want to?” added walking towards him.

Oh no.

Not again. Notagain. Not again.

He saw Kuroko taking a step back, hurt by his sarcasm.He felt dying inside and wished to close his eyes, but he wasn’t allowed to. Hehad to watch and regret all his acts and words, he had to scar himself withthat memory.

“You want meto crush down my opponents who have lost the will to fight even further?”rhetorically asked again, stopping in front of him.

Just stop.Stop talking. Don’t hurt him any more than this.

“I understandhow you feel but…” Kuroko started to comfort him, eyes filled with worry andhope; he wanted to help him, he wanted to bring back his smile and theirfriendship.

“Understand?Hah! What part of it for you understand?” Aomine interrupted him angry and skeptical,desiring to hurt him, to let him feel the pain he was feeling.

Fucking stop.He doesn’t deserve this.

But his body ignored his own prays and continued totalk.

“Tell me! Howcould someone who can’t do anything by himself understand this?” spittedunamused.

It’s false. Iknow now, you have always been the one pushing me forward. You were the choreof our team, you were my motivation all along. Please don’t speak anymore, don’thurt him anymore. This is not what I want.

“There are timeeven I get jealous of everyone, including you, Aomine-kun. It’s useless to feelgrief over the impossible!” The honesty in his eyes was killing Aomine, helooked at him in that caring way of his that always made him stumble.

Don’t say thosewords. You’re going to regret them. Don’t shatter him again. You’re going tolose him. Don’t ruin everything.

But he was caged in himself.

“That’s why,so that I can pass with all my strength-” Kuroko continued with a faint,hopeful smile.

“And who isthat pass for? You realize I can win against anyone by myself now, even withoutyour passes?” Aomine stabbed him in a low, emotionless tone.

That’s not true.I’m wrong. Testu don’t listen to him. Don’t trust his words.

Kuroko instead listened, Aomine could see the memoriesof the fatal match, during which he had abandoned him, passing in front of hiseyes. He could see him remembering his refusal, the moment their fists didn’t connect.The moment he severed the first of their red strings.

“From that dayI haven’t gotten a pass from you. It was so recent but it feels like thedistant past already. I’ve…I’ve already forgotten even how to receive yourpasses.” Aomine concluded, letting his desperation surface.

False! Don’tbelieve it! Nothing, nothing could make me forget the feeling of your passes.Basketball is what brought us together, don’t believe in my words. I need you,I don’t want to drift from you.

Kuroko widened his eyes in shock and pain, Aominecould hear the sound of his heart shattering.

He had broken their friendship like that.

I didn’t wantto say it. Please don’t leave me. I didn’t want to be left alone for real. Iwas stupid. Don’t abandon me. Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.

But Kuroko turned his back to Aomine and ran away withshaking shoulders.

Aomine felt an electrifying adrenaline rush that pushedhim forwards, to stop him before it was too late, and finally his body moved.He stumbled stretching out his hand, but found himself suddenly falling into darkness.

“TESTU!” he screamed looking around, but he was alone,”Testu!”called wobbling up and looking around helplessly.

From afar, Kuroko appeared in his Seirin’s uniform.

“Tetsu! I’m here” exclaimed relieved, a hopeful smile startingto spread on his lips, but it died immediately, seeing the way Kuroko washolding someone else’s hand.

“I’m sorry Aomine-kun. You’re not my light anymore. I’vefound someone better.” Kuroko stated deadpanned and his eyes were completelyempty. Not a single emotion directed to Aomine. “And it’s all your fault.” Accusedhim.

Then, shadows engulfed them.

“TESTU!”

 Aomine jumped seated on the bed, his scream stillechoing in the dark room, and he gripped the sheets so tightly his knuckleswere completely white. He panted without recognizing anything, Kuroko’s dead expressionstill impressed in his eyes.

“Aomine-kun, please calm down. I’m here.” A warm voicestartled him and he turned his head to the right with hallucinated eyes. He foundKuroko’s face in the semi-darkness, the real one, and instinctively grabbed hist-shirt to pull him closer into a rough hug.

“Testu!” moaned sinking his head in the crook of theboy’s neck, passing his fingers through Kuroko’s hair and down his body as to verifyhe was the real thing. Aomine’s heart was still beating like a crazy drum.

“I’m here, I’m here.” Kuroko chanted softly, rubbingcircles on his back and waiting for him to calm down.

“I’m sorry.” Aomine muttered against his shoulder, hischapped lips brushing against the bare skin.

Kuroko shivered but managed to pull a lock of his hairhard enough to make him hiss.

“Stop apologizing.” Scolded him quietly, “I’ve alreadyforgiven you a long time ago.” He didn’t need Aomine to explain his dream tounderstand; it wasn’t the first time it happened and it wasn’t going to be lastone, for now. Aomine was still letting his past and regrets haunting him andtorturing him for what he’d done to him, however Kuroko had decided to heal hiswounds slowly, with time. He looked forward the day he could sleep an entirenight knowing Aomine wasn’t going to wake up screaming his name and gazing athis face like he was a ghost ready to disappear.

“Yeah, sorry.” Aomine mumbled, beginning to regain controlover himself. The warmth of his boyfriend’s body was calming him down. It wasokay, he was there in their shared room.

“Are you trying to making me mad?” Kuroko huffedpinching his skin and Aomine finally let out an amused snort.

“Tomorrow I’m gonna punch Kagami.” Growled nuzzlingagainst Kuroko’s neck like a cat, thinking back at his dream,

“Please don’t.” he replied deadpanned, trying to putsome distance between them, but Aomine’s grip around the waist was top strong.The oblivious Kagami had never done anything to deserve it.

“Then I’m gonna beat him one-on-one.”

“You already do.” Kuroko rolled his eyes and Aominechuckled against him, knowing well that lately his victory against the otherboy wasn’t as sure as it was in the past.

They stayed hugged to each other for some seconds insilent.

“Testu.” Aomine suddenly called just to hear the soundof it, fatiguing to keep his eyes open.

“Yes?” he replied, sensing tiredness in his voice.

“I love you.” Stated firmly, a fond smirk on his face.

Kuroko quieted down and Aomine felt him clinging tohis shirt, he sensed his heart missing a heartbeat and felt the cheek that wasresting against Aomine’s temple becoming hotter.

“Yeah, I know.” he replied with the usual monotonevoice, “You made it pretty clear some hours ago. Even though tomorrow I’ve towake up early.”

At his reply, Aomine burst into laughter and fellbackwards on the bed, dragging the boy with him. He positioned Kuroko on his chestand caged him in his arms, intertwining their legs.

“Aomine-kun, I’m not breathing.” Kuroko tried to arguefeeling squeezed, but the other didn’t pay attention to him.

“Uh-hu…” he just hummed, drifting off with a smirk onhis lips.

Kuroko sighed, failing to restrain a smile, and triedto find a comfortable position against his chest; after Aomine had been fallendeeply asleep, he was going to roll away from his deathly grip as usual. Butfor now, he was just going to stay there counting his heartbeats.

[kingsmanhartwin]

As promised, here’s what’s been going on with me over the last year...

So, I checked my AO3 and the last time I updated anything was the paranormal au in Janurary I think? And I’ve got like a hundred anon messages asking me what happened/where’d I go/where’s the rest of the wips???!? 

So I want to assure you all that everything started there is being finished, just slowly because there’s a build up, and the other fics promised are also coming underway, again slowly. 

There are a few reasons for this:

1. I have been in my fourth year of my undergrad since September. 

Normally this would be enough to explain the lack of activity because, you know, final year of my degree means ten times the workload, but in addition to the normal coursework workload I was writing my undergrad dissertation - a 74 page, 10,680 word snark-laden discourse on gender bias in the news media during national election coverage (10 points to whoever guesses that was written about). It ate most of my time. There were days I would be in the library from 8am and I would stay until 6am the next morning if i hadn’t left at 1am the night before.

2. Etsy Overload. 

My shoe business started picking up! In this year I sold more pairs than in the other three years I’ve been on Etsy combined, and while writing is just as enjoyable as designing and making these shoes is, unfortunately only one of those earns me money, which I kind of need to live on.

3. My writing was getting me down pt.1. 

Related to the dissertation in that I’d been writing analytical discourse for so long that writing anything else seemed nearly impossible for me, so I’d reach a period where I’d have a little time to write for myself and then trying to would bring me to tears of frustration because I hated everything I wrote and deleted it before I could post anything. I lost a few good chapters doing this for months. 

4. My writing was getting me down pt.2. 

Those of you who’ve been here for a while (since I took over the blog from Nicole over a year ago now) may know that I’m working on something original of my own, Metanoia (n.). This was one of the first things I ever talked about with a very dear friend of mine, and they were the person who persuaded me to write it for real. We’d live write on google docs and talk till 3am and headcanon and it was the most support I’d ever received from anyone as far as my writing was concerned, and it wasn’t as if this was something that already existed that we were fanning over, this was my own idea, my own little brainchild and it was amazing. And then that friend had to make an important decision in their personal life and they were unable to continue working with me on it. I was devastated. I had felt that I was writing this for them and then suddenly it didn’t have a point anymore and my enthusiasm died and everything went downhill from there and that had a knock-on effect on my fic writing because I didn’t see any point in that either. 

5. I rediscovered the point to Metanoia (n.). 

I was sitting in a coffee shop with a couple of reenactment bros one Saturday and they mentioned starting a weekly writing club. I agreed at the time and then when I got home I got sad again because what did I have to write that was worth writing. Then I took a deep breath and opened the word document on my laptop. 87,965 words, and I fell in love with each and every one all over again. I read and I remembered how it felt to be writing it, how it felt to be breathng life into characters I created, how it felt to put them through the ringer of everything I felt. I put my Spotify playlist on and for the first time in months my fingers touched the keyboard and I began to type. And then I kept typing. And then I threw caution to the wind and traveled North to where I’d set the book and spent my days writing along the shores of Loch Tay and wandering the mountain path between Kenmore and Fortingall. I’d walk 4 miles in at 8am when the sun came up, grab my favourite chair in the Ewe bar, chat with the locals who were fast becoming my friends, and write until lunch, then walk 6 miles back through the forest to the village and spend my evenings by the lake.

I worked out every plot kink that had been troubling me. I took the time to clear my head - something that really needed doing because my mental coping mechanisms were entirely self destructive - and I felt better than I had in years. I rediscovered a point to my writing, and my writing Metanoia in particular. I rediscovered my love of writing. I came back to uni with a new sense of balance and a determination to manage both the dissertation and Metanoia. I actually went to the writing club I’d helped form. My rejuvenation culminated in the rather large back piece inked into my skin, and while people kept warning me that it was silly to get something I might never finish let alone publish tattooed across my back, I love every line of it, and I don’t care if it’s never finished because that’s not the point. I’m not doing it to have a finished product, I’m doing it for me, to better my writing, to bring to life something I want to read. Even if I don’t have my friend reading it with me, and even if they never read it, all that matters is that I’m reading it, and I’m enjoying it. 

So, long story short, my life over the last year has been filled with a considerable measure of stress and anxiety, but my headspace is much clearer than it was before and from now on I am absolutely living the truth of Morrison’s words every day I draw breath:

“If there's a book that you want to read, but it hasn't been written yet, then you must write it.”

- Phoebe x

[dpdr-dreams]

hi, i was wondering how i can get diagnosis independently such as online or something because im finding it difficult to tell m y parents about my symptoms. im regularly dissociating and nothing feels real and im constantly suicidal and have intrusive thoughts and do impulsive things like harming myself,,, i need answers

HI anon ! Thank you so much for your ask !

depending what you want from a diagnosis will depend where you go. I’m glad you're talking about your worries about parental involvement into your health, as i actually was referred without parental involvement at all to my child and adolescent mental health service (uk mental health system) ! be it from the issues being sources from home/ worried about parents potential negative outlook to treatment or diagnosis/ family circumstance which can in turn result in a difficult treatment process as you can already be maybe experiencing , but i strongly still advise if there’s a way to educate (if its not a case of safety or worsening mental health obviously) parents, family or gradually open debates on general mental health or provide a way for any parent or carer to then be in a better mindset and moral position to help you when you may need it most or support you along treatment, and if this is not possible find friends you can be open with or a teacher, therapist, social worker/counselor, just someone you can trust ! :). some adult try to think of (especially their) children in the best light so mental health issues can be a little confusing and feel most helpful cover it up (till its over) kinda thing (which any professional will tell you ‘off the bat’ is not how it works with mental health, brain is an organ that requires care on top of that body part being also linked up to your whole body, so is a priority and no care can make things much worse) especially very confusing for a parent or someone who has never experienced dissociation before. thats my step one, step two is back to thinking who to ask! so, for example, if your looking for help with your symptoms or a treatment path, but step one if family isnt working out right now or you don’t feel now is the right time (which i understand, and agree with you if thats your choice trust me aha) i would recommend counselors that can work into your school schedule with our disrupting a school timetable and take notes of symptoms and then transfer them to a phycologist that can privately come in for you to meet with you outside of school, remember often admitting discomfort around parental involvement is often respected and makes things easier! if your not at school or uni/college a local church or temple will have someone you can talk to and they tend to be a lot more private with information, as they won’t, have a name and document attached to you like in a school setting, but can be a more lengthy wait to meet a genuine diagnostic phycologist who can recommend you then for dpdr treatment as unlike a school there’s no laws ensuring time limits for waits, but i can almost guarantee they will know your local centers or services specific to you too during that wait.  ,or if you’re rather looking for the validation of a diagnosis and less of a treatment (which i do not recommend without then digging further for treatment after diagnosis as of the serious nature of dpdr) making appointments with your doctor and use key symptoms and words, bring up dpdr prior if possible, on phone or email etc and prepare your doctor to learn about dissociation before appointment as they will be a general practitioner and likely not even be aware of dissociation so dont let this hold you back from receiving help., use bus routes and learn your transport to your doctors and work out how to get there by yourself or with non-family related transport like friends etc. if being physically present for an appointment doesn’t work discuss with local church/temple or school to write a recommendation for as you said ‘online’ are “skype”/video call or “phone based” therapies and appointments which my university has and i believe is a method being implemented universally around the world atm, although I’m not sure how comfortable most diagnostic doctors are with creating a fully diagnosable profile of a person without seeing you interact in real terms with them and talk face to face but this can help create a profile, speed up the whole process, as less in centre time for a doctor to schedule and limit total of parental questioning visits out of the house without an excuse if your a bad liar like me aha. if your still worried about your privacy? discuss legality of search up on your age and information sharing laws of where you live. but this should in no shape of form limit your ability to get support when you need it, so don't let fear or other people come between you’re health and especially with what your describing its critical to find treatment as soon as possible as it can have longer lasting and faster recovery from damaging symptoms. so step three you’ve found the path of entry to a doctor best suited for you, create a list of symptoms, as i know i certainly dissociate during a session and can’t imagine the bravery it takes to make that first jump for you so to avoid your dissociation limiting your treatment again ill reiterate, use keywords, key symptoms ideally in perspective to how its effecting the main “three life indicators” social life, work and school life, and day to day routine functioning and use depersonalisation and derealisation, dissociation, etc as this helps your doctors more than imaginable in figuring out what’s going on in your head, remember  even the experts aren’t experts  and will need your guidance sometimes to reach a conclusion to help you or recommend you to the right people for you, be honest!. some resources to help you find some words that will ‘click’ better with a doctor and other help dpdr related->  (http://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/types-of-mental-health-problems/dissociative-disorders/dissociative-disorders/#ddd). as i know with my doctors at least they we’re very confused initially and then extra time had to to be spent on rewording my experiences to what they were taught as they were not very well working with dissociative disorders but of course had the basic training as a phycologist. dissociation is terrifying as im sure you know so i recommend finding grounding or ‘time slowing’ techniques that help to slightly regaining enough time to prevent impulses taking over your ability to control your own bodies actions. its key to not panic during dissociation and sometimes sit and accept the sensations even if quite violent or sensory distressing, gaining control when your not there to be in control is something i combat every day and it can feel scary but certain techniques like going limp or short term solutions to keep you from harm is important right now till you get the support you feel you need. i also recommend discussing medication before talking any as many effect dissociation and should be taken into consideration which many doctors forget and EMDR is the best and latest treatment for chronic dpdr ! so make sure this is mentioned in your first appointment as to put you on the waiting list asap i write a bit more on it here -> and dpdr in general to help you or anyone your talking to to understand it all a bit better ive written and used external information to help me put this page together https://dpdr-dreams.tumblr.com/about%20dpdr  

although treatment can vary too , remember they will be trauma-related treatment rather than only grounding technique worksheets as your symptoms are 24/7 dissociation,( some suffer from off and on anxiety induced moments of dpdr , so dont let your doctor confuse these things and put you on the wrong care programme) the treatment list will be, CBT, talk therapies, medication for other emotional health issues you may also be experiencing, but the most important treatment at the moment  for dpdr is EMDR, so as of your long lasting sensations i’d say it would be best fighting for that care plan :).

again if its more you feel you struggle abit to talk with parents but are able to if possible persist! and educate! u can use some of the information i provided to help you make your point to your parents if that’s easier or write down how you feel or the symptoms of a real illness you’re experiencing to your parent, find a way if possible! :)) 

if you feel you need a sense of validation of dissociative experiences i recommend DES like tests online as they’re linked to most clinical tests and can help you label your illness to yourself as it is common in dissociation to feel confused over it all as of the nature of dissociation-> http://www.traumatherapyboulder.com/mental-maladies-and-the-history-of-the-dsm/treatment-of-ptsd-dissociation/the-dissociative-experiences-scale-des/

and of course if you are in a state of crisis or need someone externally to have a talk to about what your going through which i know can happen so easily when dealing with such persistent and uncontrollable illnesses here’s a mix of phone, text and live chat spaces to help you when you need-> 

  The Trevor Project Call 866-488-7386 (24/7) Live Chat with the Trevor Project (Fridays 4:00 PM to 5:00 PM EST)

Crisis Text Line: Text SUPPORT to 741-741 (24/7). Our trained counsellors can discuss anything that’s on your mind. Free, 24/7, confidential.

thanks again for your important ask :) sorry if it was wordy and general or was a bit of a word jumble.of course i have experience with it so if you have more questions, or later questions at any point after you found your pathway and/or plan for care i will be willing to be more specific as i dont know your country and its laws of practice of course, and stay safe anon, seriously hope you the best ! x

[katkershaw-blog]

22 lessons I’ve learnt in 22 years

1. You’re in control.  Of everything. You’re life is in your hands, from the moment you wake up to when that head hits the pillow. You are in control of how you feel, react, the decisions you make and the things you do. Don’t like something? Change it. All comes back to me, myself and I.

2. You are worth so much more. God. I spent so much time crying over heartbreaks over stupid boys who treated me like shit, or friends were just as bad as those boys. Why? Because I didn’t put me first. It’s okay to be selfish. It’s okay to want the best for YOU. Because if you’re not looking out for yourself, who is?

3. It’s okay to ask for help. I feel like growing up especially as a teen were taught you need to prove a point, or prove yourself. But asking for a helping hand doesn’t diminish that, if anything it proves that you’re more mature because you’re willing to learn in order to move forward. And if rolls are reversed you don’t mend lending a hand! Half the time, doing something with someone else is a lot more fun as well, so why wouldn’t you?

4. You don’t have to be the best, but you do have to give your best. This one speaks for itself. You can’t be the best at everything you do in life, but as long as you try, take with you what you’ve learned that’s all that matters.

5. Partying isn’t the key to life. Well, I’m still trying to figure this out. The fact I can now say no to a night out to save money or prevent dying the next day at work from a hangover is a miracle in itself. But don’t get me wrong, I love me a dance.

6. Your parents advice is better than you think. (Again- Mum, Dad, I’m sorry for doubting you) The amount of times I would say “You don’t get it” or “You’re too old, times have changed” But despite the changes in technology or fashion- boy do they get it. They’ve had hormones raging around their bodies,the stress of trying to find a balance, having to figure out what the fuck to do with their lives after high school. Yet, teenage me couldn’t picture them being anything but my parents. They didn’t pop out of the womb adults with full time careers and three children. They’ve been there, they get it. Listen. At least listen. 

7. Save. Do mundane jobs. I think this has been a biggie for me, I used to be really good at saving growing up… then I found fashion and makeup as a teenager and it went downhill from there.. and boy did that shit make a dent in my piggy bank (Still does… hahah)  Get a job on the side of school or uni, even just a eight hour shift on a Sunday will teach you so much, about patience, the real world, commitment and organisation. Work those forty hour weeks in hospo for six months to buy that plane ticket across the world. Give up the extras, smile or grin and bare it but either way LEARN, it will teach you so much about yourself and what type of career you may or may not want in the future.

8. Change isn’t all bad. I hated change. I hated moving houses, schools, changing my schedule. When the earthquake happened my whole world was turned upside down.. because I had to change and be flexible. But it made me who I am and showed me it isn’t a thing to fear but to embrace. Change is what helps us grow and improve, without it life would be bland and mediocre. 

9. Learn how to say no.  I’m still working on this. How do you say “No” confidently without being rude? I don’t know, but when I figure it out I’ll let you know. But what I do know, is it’s okay to not want to do something, or to feel like you have to much on your plate and that one little extra thing is going to topple you over the edge. 

10. If you don’t know the answer- find out. Google. Ask people questions. Go to the library. Life is too short to just keep wondering… Speaking of, I’m off to Google where St Kitts is located in the world after having a new bikini arriving the other day at work named after this vacation destination...

11. Stay true to yourself. I know this is your typical mushy advice but seriously, if someone doesn’t respect you or like you for who you are THEY. ARE. NOT. WORTH. IT. Full stop. Not if they’re popular, not if they’re a cute boy or girl you’re interested, they won’t bring you happiness and they aren’t the type of people you should be surrounding yourself with. Stick to your gut, your morals and your inner workings. They are what make you special in a sea of millions of people. No two people are they same. We spend the first twenty years of our lives trying to blend in and then realise being unique is okay. Stay true, and stay classy San Diego.

12. It’s okay to cry. This one is just to make me feel better because I do this too much ;) It’s okay, sometimes you just gotta cry it out. Emotions aren’t a bad thing (Unless it’s ruining your sick ass makeup you spent an hour on). So do it, guilt free.

13. Friends come and go. And that’s okay. I don’t really have much to add on this. We grow up and our goals, paths and opinions change. You can drift from people, it’s okay. It’s life, sad, but everyone comes into your life for a reason- good or bad and if they’re meant to stick around they will.

14. TRAVEL. I’ve only learnt this in exactly the last rotation around the sun. Looking back at my 21st birthday, who the fuck would have known I’d be where I am now? Not me, dats fo sure. Travelling changes you. You meet other people with different opinions and plans, you learn how others live and you see some pretty amazing sights. But you also see sad, unpleasant sights as well. And you end up in tricky situations but you learn so much about you and the world you live in. My god it’s the fucking best. Travel. Just do it. 15. Document. Photos. Letters. Do it. Looking back on memories and getting all nostalgic is one of my favourite things to do. It lets you reflect and shows you the progress you’ve made to be who you are in this moment right now.

16. It’s okay to not know what you want to do with your life. I still don’t know and I know many people older than me who don’t know. Just keep doing what makes you happy, don’t feel like you need to grow up or conform to what society thinks you should have achieved by your age.

17. Follow your gut. Its 99.9% of the time right. 

18. Stop worrying about things you can’t control. Ha. If only this was easier done than said.

19. Tell people how you feel for real and stop wasting time. I’m still working on this. But time flies, why waste all your time and effort on someone if it’s not going to work out. Follow your gut, you can either end it now and save yourself time and pain or let it drag.

20. Put your phone down.  Look around you when you’re on the bus or train, enjoy the view. Enjoy the people around you. My phone causes me a lot of anxiety, camp helped severed that attachment and I’m not looking back.

21. Feminism isn’t about women being better than men, it’s about equality. And accepting people for their colour, race, religion. 

22. You don’t know what you have till it’s gone. I also learnt that in the song by Joni Mitchell the lyric is “Play paradise” Not “Hey Paradise” Like my childhood singing had me believe. Although if you know me you know I’m bad at lyrics. More to the point, make the most of your loved ones and what’s around you. Life can change in a flash.

Update: St. Kitts is the larger of the 2 Caribbean islands that comprise the nation of Saint Kitts and Nevis. It’s known for rainforested mountains and beaches of white, gray, and black sands. Think I’ll add it to the travel list.

I spent my day getting my adrenaline fix with two bessies at Thorpe Park and then crying over receiving Lion King Musical tickets from my beautiful UK family all while receiving so much love from everyone back home. I’m unbelievably blessed.

And that’s all I have for you this post. Thanks to all the amazing people in my life. Cheers to twenty two years.