#for more than a few hours without something fuckinf waking me up

[smo-mo]

i cut my hair short. it didn't help. i still hate it. i still hate me.

the new colour dyes arrived but i also saw the work friend of my bf, who just changed her hair colour on a whim to the same as one of my new dyes. and this happens with such frequency i wonder if the universe is trying to tell me i am not special or unique in any shape or way and to just give the fuck up trying to pretend i am.

i was basically told that i'm boring today, visually, that i don't 'stand out from the crowd', that coloured hair is average now. and for a special snowflake like me who honestly wants to fulfill that manic pixie dream girl trope half the time it fucking sucks.

someone said, jokingly, that they hate me today, and my response was 'join the club'. my casual destructive self deprication is something i have no energy to hide.

i only slept for five hours last night. i have yet to fall asleep tonight. i am sad, more than anything else. my bf just giggled in his sleep. it's taken me a year to work out how i wanted one of my final uni projects to look. i handed it in legit a year ago today. it got 42%. it got barely a pass. it got 'you're not good enough but i don't want you to have to retake the year bc i'm fed up with you'. it got 'what happened to the promise you showed' it. i'm. i was never good enough.

at anything.

i can never concentrate on one thing. i can never stagnate. i'm too fearful of failure to put my heart into anything. i am never going to. be good enough at anything because i will only ever dip my toe for fear of looking a fool whilst i learn to swim. or never learning at all.

truth is, i'm utterly worthless. and anything painted over that is just a charade.

exit stage left, persued by bear.