smo-mo

[smo-mo]

too much and never enough

too much to handle

never enough to satisfy

[smo-mo]

i'm the shady midnight corner shop with the flickering lights

i am motorway rest stops with no open cafes, just a vending machine

i am the long dark alley way at 2am you have to walk through to get wherever quicker

i am liminal, an abstract, a paper girl

[smo-mo]

Your Existing Situation

"Organized and detail-oriented, she has a very precise and methodical manner. she needs relationships which offer her understanding, respect, and approval."

Your Stress Sources

"Looking to stand out in the crowd and wanting to keep her rank and status. her current situation is irritating her because she can't seem to find anybody out there who values the same high standards she does. she is feeling isolated and wants to give in to her carnal urges, but can't bring herself to appear weak in the eyes of others. Wants others to see her unique qualities and character but can't stand to come off as needy, so instead she has an ""I don't care"" attitude and pushing people away. she turns her back on those who criticizes her behavior, but beneath her indifference is a person who is in desperate need of approval."

Your Restrained Characteristics

Current events leave her feeling forced into compromise in order to avoid being cut off from affection or future cooperation.

Feels trapped in a helpless situation and is desperately seeking relief. she is able to find pleasure and happiness in sexual activity.

Is bothered when her needs and desires are misunderstood and she feels there is no one to turn to or rely on. her self-centered attitude can cause her to be easily offended.

Your Desired Objective

"Looking to make a good impression and be recognized for her achievements. she has a strong need to feel appreciated and look up to. she is very sensitive and will be hurt if she is rejected, unnoticed, or not given adequate acknowledgement."

Your Actual Problem

"Needs to be viewed and respected as an outstanding individual, in order to build her self-esteem and self-worth. Resists any type of weakness and sets high standards for himself."

Your Actual Problem #2

"Has been disappointed and let down, believes it is pointless to come up with new goals as they will most likely disappoint as well. Needs to be recognized and respected, but is worried about the future. Reacts by avoiding situations where she will be criticizes or others will attempt to influence her. Tries to take charge of the situation by controlling the details and strengthen her position. "

[smo-mo]

my head is like a carousel and im going round circles

ive been sorting through old pen drives and photos and messages and my head is a mess and i am a mess and nothing makes sense.these photos are from 2013 and back then i thought i was fat and ugly and not good enough and i thought maybe ill grow out of it well looking back at the photos i was two sizes smaller than i am now and i smiled more and i dont have as many scars and i just want to know why my self worth is so low. i was a teenager and i looked normal, fine, average, sometimes even pretty. and yet i hated everything about myself and ive put so much weight on at uni but no one notices or cares and its just me again. why am i alone in everything i think about myself. am i wrong? or is everyone else?

[smo-mo]

-

[smo-mo]

I'm just made of fire

I burn everything I touch

my insides are hollowed and ash

I thought I was burning to keep us both warm

now I think I'm the only source of fuel near by

[smo-mo]

'no but happier is less hassle'

no. but happier is l e s s h a s s l e.

less hassle.

less.

'look a vision of the future'

'look i'm not there'

are you not?

[smo-mo]

i wish i could sleep without alcohol or painkillers

i wish less than everything hurt

i wish things could start falling into place

instead of floating aimlessly

like water droplets in a shower

like blood dripping onto the tiles

[smo-mo]

i cut my hair short. it didn't help. i still hate it. i still hate me.

the new colour dyes arrived but i also saw the work friend of my bf, who just changed her hair colour on a whim to the same as one of my new dyes. and this happens with such frequency i wonder if the universe is trying to tell me i am not special or unique in any shape or way and to just give the fuck up trying to pretend i am.

i was basically told that i'm boring today, visually, that i don't 'stand out from the crowd', that coloured hair is average now. and for a special snowflake like me who honestly wants to fulfill that manic pixie dream girl trope half the time it fucking sucks.

someone said, jokingly, that they hate me today, and my response was 'join the club'. my casual destructive self deprication is something i have no energy to hide.

i only slept for five hours last night. i have yet to fall asleep tonight. i am sad, more than anything else. my bf just giggled in his sleep. it's taken me a year to work out how i wanted one of my final uni projects to look. i handed it in legit a year ago today. it got 42%. it got barely a pass. it got 'you're not good enough but i don't want you to have to retake the year bc i'm fed up with you'. it got 'what happened to the promise you showed' it. i'm. i was never good enough.

at anything.

i can never concentrate on one thing. i can never stagnate. i'm too fearful of failure to put my heart into anything. i am never going to. be good enough at anything because i will only ever dip my toe for fear of looking a fool whilst i learn to swim. or never learning at all.

truth is, i'm utterly worthless. and anything painted over that is just a charade.

exit stage left, persued by bear.

[smo-mo]

all my friends from high school are still friends. except for me.

they stuck together through college and uni and they still keep in touch and then there's me.

alone, outcast, ignored. i should have known, from those lunches in college where i would have to perch at the edge of the group, the edge of conversation, hoping there would be more than two of them because any less and it would be awkward because i was Not Welcome.

i don't even talk to the other people i knew in college. don't even keep their social media. they never knew me. and now it's going the same way with uni and i. im so lonely and i'm so depressed and i'm so lazy i can't do anything but barley function. am i to drift through what's left of my life knowing any one person for only a few years? is anyone ever going to actually learn the patterns of my heartbeats? i am so disenchanted with this common concept of lasting, meaningful, deep friendship.

i wonder if they think of me, i wonder if they remember anything more than that freaky emo girl who said odd things and spent lessons scribbling on paper.

they do not think of me. no one thinks of me. there is no me to think of.

[smo-mo]

might stop using all social media, except maybe my art account.

might stop trying to be what i am obviously not. dye it black, be done with my selfness.

just accept that dirt i am, and only weeds will grow, then to dirt and sand i will return.

[smo-mo]

fuck everything about everything fuck it all just burn it

dig me a grave and tell me to get in it bc i probably couldn't even do that right

[smo-mo]

i could just go

there are other places i could live and pay the rent just as easily, if not more so, even by myself

there are theatres all over the country

i could ask for a transfer to manchester or brighton or newcastle or edinburgh

there is one person working in this coffee shop with me i actually like working with. and he's planning on leaving at some point so

i could just get on a train. take a backpack and grab a sleeping bag from the place near work. maybe not even that. stay in shady hotels and b&bs. where no one will know me. dye my hair black and take my piercings out. remove identifying factors. get on a boat. go and sit in coffee shops in amsterdam and act like a tourist. is this enough for people?

is this enough for you? ........

[smo-mo]

happy halloween // merry goth christmas // blessed samhain i am spooky scary skeleton

[smo-mo]

kinda want to cut all my hair off. kinda want a new tattoo. a new piercing. new wounds to heal.

i just want to lie down in a darkened room forever. i want to be somewhere far away and quiet. i want to retreat into myself. i'm distant and quiet. i don't want to have to earn rent and bills each month. i just want peace and creativity. i need to change something before i go insane. i am not fulfilled. i am not stable. i am not.

i wish i could get a few months away, travel around the country and work for a few days in all the different chain store coffee shop locations. i wish i could do something i really liked. i wish i wasn't on plan f already. i wish my dad would stop talking to me as if this is all i want.

i should skype home soon. ask when they want me home for winter so i can book it off. but really it's so much stress to skype or go home. i wish my home felt homely. i wish i belonged somewhere, not constantly the sore thumb.

i want to be more. but i also want to sink into wet earth and wait for winter to pass, in the hope i can sprout something worthwhile when spring comes round.

[smo-mo]

twice now i've written long rambling posts about all the thoughts running circles in my head and tumblr crashed and lost them both times.

so all i will say is: when do i just give up. when do i let the fantasy go and sink and live down here will the average society, amoungst the hub caps and shopping trolleys. when do i tell everyone i have failed by saying 'barista' and not mentioning dreams or hopes. when do i give up the aspirations im quickly starting to see we're never meant to be attained by me.

how much longer can you hold on to hope, like a flame flickering in my stomach, how long before it burns out.

[smo-mo]

i dreamt that i had friends that were like me. girls with dyed hair, who wore black lipstick and were excited about halloween. we would go to the pub every few nights- a rock/metal pub where no one stared and drink and eat and one of my past lovers had two kids and a polaroid camera and would take photos of us and talk about his kids. i would keep the polaroids. i walked home by myself but smiling.

i woke up sad.