#for mine I got the spamton one about the ways to a man’s stomach; the ralsei one to Susie

[the-kinfesssional]

Hey.. MM.me again.. Spamton G. Spamton... Sniffle sniffle this was longer than i wanted oops sorry so sorry IM FUCKING STRUGGLING OUT HERE How do I tell A memoryfrom a headcanon is it a headcanon if its me? what is it??where ?? what?? huh??? what????????????????? I cant tell. Im a fictionkin I know that. but im like so confused al the time. Like thats me. But also Idk im really used to just dissociating I thug it out ok. i dont really go into kin spaces a lot like at all so I dont know proper terms but I know what i feel Inside but then im like No thats cringe an,d also that cannot possibly be real. I dont relaly know if i believe in past lives(?) ornot at least As a fictional character. for me personally. but at the same time. I Guess i do? Huh. Its strange. Like this guy is just me. I am him he is me because.Thats me. I dont get as bad Kin(?) dysphoria as i do Gender dysphoria. I know how i could still be happy In a human body I Guess. But it just feels like itll never fully be me. Or will it. I dont know. it makes me so happy it makes me feel such a way that I cant even explain its like this feeling in my chest and its like.......Yeah. Thats me. But Iveee been Very. Disconnected from kin stuff lately because ive been super stressed and distracted with other stuff and ive just felt like a wet sack of sand being thrown at a wall and the sand is all like gross and wet and its leaking everywhere and its gross like you know when you get sand all over you at the beach but youre also like Damp and the sand is all Sticky and Grimey and also Scratchy. thats how ive been feeling mentally onfg can someone give me a mental shower i needto get DUNKED. This ended up being a longer rant and also skewing off into different things than i wanted but its ffine whatever. Ugm. Id ont know where else to go. BACK ON THE MEM THING BECAUSE I GOT VERY DISTRACTED. I dont know. I have this one very very very specific Flash this Instance in my mind and I dont know if i consider it a memory or not???????? I thhink i am a.,, Psychological kin mostly. if thats the right term. idfk man. can i still have memories. Are these even memories? do my headcanons count as My canon is that what that is ???? I NDONT KNOW IM GOING INSANE but I can also have conflicting ones existing in separate timelines. but like. im not like a multiple timeline and past life guy. i think? its not a huge belief of mine. i just. I am. i AM. Im spamton. Are memories supposed to be In first person. is it just feelings. is it. what. how do i define. How do i tell? How can i tell. aRe the The little movies in my head the little Blorbo Situations. like. whats those count as. Also why does being canon divergent make me feel sick to my stomach. whenever new DR content is released with me involved i feel sick cause im like IM THE REAL ONE I M THE REAL ONE IF I DIVERGE IM A SICK FAKER AND THEYRE GONNA TAKE ME OUT BACK AND KICK ME IN THE SHINS!!! And its really weird. Like huh. Nobody cares. I care though. uhm. idk. call me boyfail the way i bash my head through a wall and make a hole in it and then put a pillow in it and take a little nap wiwiwiwi hoink wiwiwiwiwi (the sound I make when I sleep)

Its confusing, I know. I think psychological kins don't have memories, but you can have headcanon about yourself, I believe? Im not sure. Im a spiritual kin

[bills-blog-now]

Hey y’all! Sorry for being absent, I’ve been absolutely distracted by Deltarune chapter 2 (specifically Spamton). But, I did have a dream last night that reminded me I have this blog, so I hope y’all don’t mind me sharing this dream of mine. (Image is plot relevant)

So... an important thing to note is that I have this delusion that never goes away no matter how hard I try, to the point that I’ve just accepted it and don’t try to get rid of it anymore. And that is that in my past life, I was a demon. And when I watched Gravity Falls, it evolved to that demon being Bill Cipher.

That’s right, I’m kin with Bill Cipher against my will.

So anyways, to the dream I had.

It started with me being in Oregon, in a gift shop that was Gravity Falls themed. I had gone there with my dad. There were images ingrained in the wood all over the place of characters from the show, including on the ceiling. I was entranced trying to see it all, and in the background my delusion was there. Just, constantly reminding me of what it thinks. There were no images of Bill Cipher in the shack.

Meanwhile, my dad was chatting it up with the shopkeeper. About what, I don’t know, but my dad apparently deadnamed me, as when I felt that I had looked at everything the shopkeeper walked up to me and asked if I was enjoying everything while dropping my deadname. It felt gross, yet significant, how he said my legal name. I told him yes, but that my name was Kevin. When he spoke to me again, he didn’t call me by any name. Felt weird, like there was a blank empty space he didn’t want to fill. He told me that the shop was closing soon and I’d better get out. Despite me not wanting to leave, I didn’t make any arguments and I left.

My dad got out of the building first and I was following him. The shopkeeper then called out to me in a friendly way, asking me to come back to speak with him for a moment.

I was curious, but happy enough to do so. When I got close enough his started harshly whispering at me, practically hissing, “I know what you are”

My heart jolted. My delusion came to the forefront of my mind, surely he wasn’t talking about that? I open my mouth, but he keeps talking about how I’m not allowed back in his shack. Calls me a miserable being who’s a failure and will never become good like I try so hard to be.

My stomach drops. It’s my main goal in life to be the best person I can be in my life. To be a good person.

In a desperate attempt to refute my delusion one last time, I try to ask him what he’s talking about, but all that comes out is, “I don’t- I don’t...” I’m in too much shock to properly ask.

He sneers at me and calls me Bill. He says I’ve tried so many times before and that I’ll never be the good person I try to be. Then he slams the door in my face, leaving me in my confused yet enlightened thoughts.

My father completely exits the story, and all I’m left with is thoughts of how to best show I’m a good person. I already knew that I was being judged for something I don’t even completely remember, and that the shopkeeper had no clue of who I was in my current attempt at life. I knew I was a good person.

I.. think I wandered around the woods while lost in thought. It gets fuzzy around this part, but I do know that eventually I come across this cliff with a couple of sheets of glass there. It was standing up against a rock, facing the cliff edge. There was a man there too. He, for whatever reason, knew that I was Bill Cipher too. He explained that the mirrors were ones of alternate realities. I could pass through and prove my good heart in the alternate reality.

So... after trying to figure it out, I managed to travel to the alternate reality. And there was colors there! I realized the world I had been in was colorless the entire time and I never knew. I was still in the woods with the alternate reality behind me. So I made my way to the town. Things felt much the same as the previous reality, just much more colorful.

I run across the shack and the shopkeeper, who has the same face (though this time in color), beckons me towards him with a nod of his head. I go over cautiously, not wanting to be yelled at or chased out. He tells me that he knows who I am, and that his alternate self told him about me. He’s already told the townsfolk about me, though they don’t know what I look like. Just that I’m in a human form. I’ve come to this place many times before to test myself, however I’ve failed each previous time. I’m given a sheet of paper of all the folks in the town, and it tells me about how I’ve got to befriend these people, including the shopkeeper. I look up to see the shopkeeper sneering at me. He tells me that eventually the folks will realize who I am, and that I’ll lose just like everything other time. He enters his shop and slams the door.

There’s a special sporting event going on, so there’s a bunch of strangers in town. I won’t be singled out. I need to befriend the strangers too. I decide the best way to get close to these people is the join the sporting event.

I’m gonna skip this next part, cause it’s boring. Blah blah blah, sporting tournament, I do a good job and people like me for it, but there’s 2 hearts by each persons face on the list, and I’ve only filled up one of the hearts. Only my teammates (who figured out I was Bill) have two hearts filled out by their name.

And then disaster strikes. The shopkeeper, (who has 0 hearts filled still) gets pissed off by my decent progress and spreads word of who I really am. This starts a riot (all hearts back down to 0 except for my teammates) and I’m chased from the town into the woods. They continue to chase and I feel that the only safe place for me to be is in the alternate reality. So I run for the mirrors and head through.

On the other side, the black and white stands out while the shopkeeper is laughing at me for giving up. It all felt hopeless, so I go to see the life of the town in my reality. There is no sporting event here. Just normal people living normal lives. I look at myself and see I’m still in color. Nobody seems to notice. I mingle. Then people form the alternate reality manage to figure out how to get through the mirror and hunt me down just to chase me again. I realize that there’s no way I’m going to put these harmless townsfolk in danger while I’m apparently still in the test, so I head back to the mirror and go through.

After I go through, something changes. Specifically my form. For whatever reason, traveling through the mirror multiple times reveals your true form... kinda. It takes multiple attempts, and the more you do it the closer to your true form it’ll be. For me, I came through looking like the above image. Cat Bill Cipher. I seek out my friends in the test world and they are startled to see me, but they laugh and quickly accept me. The sporting event is cancelled, but the strangers are still in town. I’m hidden while I try to figure out what to do. I figure it’s best to just come out and say who I am. It goes... startlingly better than expected. The riot stops and, though nobody trusts me, nobody is actively trying to hurt me either. People go back home with their pitchforks and torches, saving them for later riots.

After a few days of attempting to befriend people, still only my teammates are my friends. I get angry, and in my anger a spell is triggered. My friend tells me what kind of spell it is, one that results in the death of whoever it’s directed at. It starts to build in my chest, my eye turning a hideous purple and I feel like I’m dying the longer I don’t let it out. I manage to turn the painful spell at a fern and it dies instead.

Turns out the longer that I’m in my true form (or just close to it) the more I learn of the spells I once knew. This excites me, as who doesn’t want to be a powerful wizard? I work on any and every spell that comes to me, and I start helping people around the town using my newfound magic. This is the right thing to do, as people start to like me. They see that despite having power, I’m using it for good instead of evil. The more I use magic, the more my true form is revealed. The more I show off, the more people see who I truly am. Soon enough, the hearts by their names on the list are filled. All except the shopkeeper.

I help out around the shop, I put up with his bullshit, but he doesn’t like my magic tricks, so I stop using them around him. But the hearts only fill to the first heart. He’s still mean to me, so I feel on some level he’s lying to himself. Lying to me. My power continue to grow and he just stays the same. After so long, perhaps a couple of weeks, he finally offers to play board games with me. He’s bored, I’m bored, board games.

I always win. No matter the game he just can’t catch a break. He grows more and more angry, until he pulls out a chess game. I really don’t know how to best play chess, and he knew that, so he’s trying to one-up me. Unfortunately for him, I develop the power to see a bit into the future during the match, so I figure out his moves ahead of time and can see the path to victory... however, I don’t use this new power to win. I use it to lose. And boy, he lights up like a firework, laughing his ass off at my “failure”. We play another game, I lose again. And again. I tell him I’m just no good at chess. He smirks at me. We call it a night.

I look over my list, and all the hearts are filled! I show it off to my friends and they’re happy for me! I passed the test! I’m happy!

...However, though my true form has come to be, and I have powers that I can use to help, I can’t help but be curious about my past self. I still don’t know everything and my spells are lacking. I feel a pull. A tug. And I allow myself to follow the feeling. I’m transported to what feels like an unholy place. It’s a place of my memories and spells. In order to unlock everything I need specific ingredients, which can be found around town and in the woods. I head back to the town and travel about collecting things. It doesn’t take long, and I travel back to the unholy place. I place the random things and plants on each of the alters and allow myself to recall that of my past. Of all the spells I once knew. Of Bill Cipher.

The place explodes with my power, literal black magic vapor seeping out of the alters and into myself. With it, I remember myself, and I laugh. I cackle. I soak it all in.

I know who I am. My name... is Kevin. I know who I am now. Who I’ll be for the rest of my life, and my life is not Bill Cipher.

And then when the mist is all soaked up my form changes to that of a beautiful woman. It’s at this point that my lucid dreaming mind was like, wait, what? Why the hell am I a gorgeous woman. Did some man write this weird story? And the scene changes to that of my human self talking with the shopkeeper, who is listening to my complaints of the dream. He pats my head and tells me to calm down about this. I’m still infuriated.

And I wake up in the middle of the night.