#for LOU... also the whole world look at his beautiful fucking face. holy shit

[3416]

blinch, obviously

[harrystyleswatermelon-sugar]

Afterparty

“Stop, what are you doing?” I squeal and try to push Harry off of me. I mean really, how old is he? Why is he always trying to mock me until I explode and he has to apologise the next day, after I usually storm out on him.

I just don´t get it, why he always is like this. He does the most stupid and childish things, triggering my anger and annoyment constantly. If it was for Louis, I would get it. He is my best friend since I can think but Harry…I just met him a few years ago and barely saw him after our first meeting. Now, as the boys of One Direction are nearing their hiatus, they were more often in London and so we see each other more often.

I don´t want to complain, I am happy to have my best friend around more often, during their crazy ride in the music industry we barely had the chance to catch up, feeling like everything was happening at once and the five years were over in just a second.

“Harry just for once behave. My god, I thought I was the childish one” Louis sighs as he enters the kitchen. Harry finally let go of me and frowns at his friend. He puts the cream away, he tried to spray in my face for several minutes and walks out on us.

“Thanks Lou. I was literally going to stab him. What the fuck is his problem?” I ask and grab the cream to put it back in the fridge.

“I really have no clue; he is different when he is around you. Maybe he is insecure or he just thinks it´s funny. I don´t know. You ok, though?” he asks and I nod, shooting a fake smile at him. He raises an eyebrow at me, but he understands my silence and doesn´t bother to ask. I am very thankful for his silence and look at him. He looks stressed and tired and as he now ruffles through his hair and leans back on the counter, I watch him concerned.

“You really are taking a break, aren´t you? I don´t want you to continue with music and this shit immediately because you literally look like crap” I ask and he nods in agreement.

“Sure, taking a break was my plan since the hiatus came up. I need to rest a bit and spend time with my loved ones” he explains and I smile sheepishly at him. I know that I am included in the term loved ones.

“Louis, Y/N! Are you ever planning on getting your butts out here again?” Niall shouts from the living room and I roll my eyes at Lou.

“Coming, Ni!” I shout back and grab Lou´s hand. He snakes his arm around my shoulders and presses me against his side, as we walk back in the living room. Liam and Niall are spread on the couch and Harry is sitting on the massive armchair in front of the fireplace. I am happy, they decided to light the fireplace, because it is quiet chilly outside. And I like the crackle and the smell of the fire place. Sadly, I have none in my flat, that would be the best thing ever.

“Finally, if you wanna be all lovey-dovey you should get to Lou´s” Niall says annoyed and presses play on the remote before we even have the chance to take our spots. I decide, because I am still freezing, to sit near the fire on the floor, which was ultimately next to Harry in his armchair.

“You cold? Want a blanket?” he asks me, but I shake my head. I am fine but also a bit irritated because his concern.

“I would prefer it, if Niall would stop making such fucking bullshit comments about Y/N and I. We are friends, nothing more” Lou says and I knew he was going to say something about Niall´s comment. He hates it, when one of the boys says something like that, he was always scared it would affect our friendship in a negative way.

“Oh, give it a rest, Lou. We all know, Y/N would never ever date anyone of us. She knows us way too well, right Y/N?” Niall asks me and I smile at him. He basically is right. I know Louis way too long. He is like my childhood Bestie, he always protected me in school. I had a crush on him, when we met, though, but for him I was always like a younger sister. As if he hadn´t enough sisters. We met in the school choir and then again in the football club in Doncaster and he teased me, a girl would never make a goal when he is the goalkeeper. He pissed me off so bad, I took the challenge and finished him. He was so impressed after that, he invited me over to his parents´ house and we became friends. Just like that. Sure, we had some major fights over time and even didn’t speak to each other for a few months, but it never lasted.

“I would definitely not date Louis. That would be so weird” I answer and Louis nods in agreement.

“Would be disgusting, not that she is not beautiful. The man, who gets to marry her is one of the luckiest ones in the world, but we just know each other too long. Wouldn’t ruin our friendship, also” he agrees and shoots a smile at me. I look over at Niall, mouth full of popcorn, staring at the screen. He is not even listening anymore, so I shrug my shoulders and watch the show, Niall picked for us. It isn´t long after Louis and Liam fall asleep on the couch and I stand up.

“Time for me to head home, guys. Goodnight” I whisper, so I don’t wake up the sleeping beauties. I walk to the front door and put my shoes on.

“Care, if I take you home? Don’t like the feeling of you going all alone by tube at this hour” Harrys asks behind me and I look at him sceptical. He wants to take me home? Since when is he so concerned about my wellbeing?

“I know the way home; I have walked it so many times from here. I´ll be fine. Thanks for the offer” I reject him and grab my coat. He helps me by holding it up, so I can easily slide my arms in the sleeves. As I open the front door, I freeze. Oh no. It is pouring outside and a very cold breeze is hitting my face. I have no umbrella and no hood, nothing. I will be soaked before I have even walked out of the gate.

“Sure, you don´t want to take my offer?” Harry asks again and I look at him again. His green eyes stare into mine and my heart skips a beat. Wait, what? Why is my heart skipping a beat when Harry looks me in the eye?

“I guess I´ll take it then” I answer and he smiles happily, slipping on his boots and grabbing his coat and an umbrella to escort me to his car. As I sit in the passenger’s seat, I look around and scan my surroundings, as I never have been in his car before. It´s all black and very modern. I breathe in, to see, if the car smells new but all I smell is the familiar smell of fire and an expensive after shave or perfume. It smells like Harry. Wait, why do I know how he smells? What kind of freak am I?

Harry gets in the driver´s seat and starts the engine. He smiles and turns down the volume of the radio. As he sits a few seconds, his smell hits me fully. I try not to breathe in too obviously but I really really like his smell.

He drives safely and relaxed and taps his finger on the steering wheel to the beat of the music. He is a musician with his whole heart, even Lou is not as much into music as him. The awkward silence is interrupted by him asking:

“Are you coming to our last performance in a week?” I look at him from the side, seeing the straight line of his nose, his jawline and the light stubble on his cheeks. His long lashes, framing his green eyes. His really beautiful green eyes.

“Yeah, sure. Wouldn’t miss Lou´s last performance with the band. Why you asking? Don’t want me to come?” I return the question and he looks at me, before returning his eyes to the street.

“No, why would you think that? Of course, I want you to come” he sounds a bit offended and I lough dryly.

“Why do I think that? Because you have been nothing but a jerk when I am around” I explain to him and he hits the break, so hard that I am hurled forward into the seatbelt. He parks the car on the side of the street and turns the engine off. We aren’t even near my home. Oh no, what did I just do? I am really not in the mood for a fight with Harry.

“I am sorry, if that is what you think about me. I thought I was being funny around you, I wanted you to like me. I am sorry, I don’t dislike you at all, Y/N” he says and I look at his beautiful face. He is hands down, the most attractive guy, I have ever seen in my life. But I never told Lou about this, I knew he would make fun of me. If he had been nicer to me in the past, I would probably have fallen for him. Very hard. It helped, that he was a jerk.

“Oh…I, well...I don’t know what to say” I stammer and blush. He likes me? He really does? Shit.

“I hope you accept my apology” he says and I nod slowly.

“Y-Yeah, sure. I accept your apology but I would prefer you being yourself around me, not some douchebag I want to kick in his ass” I answer and he smiles, showing me his dimples. For god´s sake, how can a man be so beautiful?

“I think I can manage that. But I have to warn you, I am quite a gentleman if I don’t try to impress a beautiful girl with being funny” he says and winks at me. Holy fuck, he thinks I´m beautiful. The laugh that escapes my lips sounds nervous, I can hear it.

“That’s okay, I think. Gentleman is way better than jerk…so…you actually like me? I am so confused right now” I confess and look down at my nails. Could get a manicure soon.

“Yes, of course. You are so nice and funny to be around, how could I even not like you. This is so weird…you thinking I didn’t like you. It´s so far from the truth” his smile is nearly from ear to ear now. What is he saying? I am absolutely confused and unsure how to react and as he touches my hand with his, I just jump back as far as I can in the car seat. He bites his bottom lip and starts the engine again. Without another word he takes me home safely.

A week later

I spray some of my favourite perfume on my wrist as I finish my look for the night. It is the day of One Directions last performance. I am so happy for the boys, to finally end this. They were so unhappy with their management and when Zayn left, they decided very quick to take a break and let it rest for some years. Of course, their fans were shocked, but I know how hard this decision was for each member of the band. But this time in five years, they all finally thought of themselves first. Their health, their time and their life in the spotlight. They all just want some peace. I sigh and swipe my hands over my dress. It is simple, black, no cleavage or anything. It is like me. Simple and plain.

I get there nearly too late because of the tube. We were stuck in a tunnel for nearly 20 minutes and I just arrive in time to get to my seat next to the boys´ families.

“Hey, good to see you, Y/N” Jo says and hugs me tight. I greet the other Tomlinson´s and take my seat next to a gorgeous blonde woman.

“Gemma, Anne have you met Y/N before? She is Louis´ childhood friend” Jo says to the blonde girl next to me and the woman behind her. They both are gorgeous and smile at me friendly.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. I am Harrys mum Anne and this is my daughter Gemma” Anne says and I shake her hand. Gemma looks just like Harry, when she smiles. Same dimples, same smile. Wow.

Finally, the band is announced and when they come on stage, the fans are so loud. I nearly get deaf by the screams. Eventually they get a bit quieter and when they sing their last song, we all stand on our feet, swaying to the words and looking up at them. I think I can say, we are all unbelievably proud of these guys. Maybe, we even cry a bit during their song and I see that Lou is moved as well. He pulls the boys into a tight hug afterwards and smiles and waves at us.

After their appearance we really don’t pay attention, but talk quietly to each other about the boy’s future and a lot more. Anne and Gemma are really nice and I like them very much.

“Are you all going to the after show party?” Gemma asks when we are finally allowed to stand up and walk around. The Fans spot the boys´ family and shout nice things. They wave back at them and I answer her question as the first one.

“I am going for sure” she smiles widely and she looks so much like Harry.

“Great, Mom won´t come so I´m gonna stick with you, if that’s alright?” she asks and I nod. I am happy she will accompany me. I think we go on really well with each other.

We all walk backstage to see, if the boys are ready to leave. It´s a big round of hugs and when I stand in front of my best friend, he smiles so wide, that I laugh at him amused.

“Honey, so glad you are here. Wouldn’t be the same without you” he says and hugs me really tight. I press my body against his, smiling like an idiot.

“I love you, Lou. Wouldn’t have missed it for anything” I say honestly and feel him pressing a gentle kiss on my cheek.

“Leave something of her, for us to hug” Niall says laughing and I hug my favourite Irish Lad.

“Seriously, it was so emotional. I´m so happy for you all” I say and I mean every word. Niall smiles at me and I kiss his cheek soundly. He is sweaty and bright red, but I really don’t care.

“Thanks, Y/N” he says and I hug the next one in line, who happens to be Liam. We smile at each other and I kiss his cheek. We are not as close, as Niall and I but I like him. He is a nice guy and he always makes sure the boys behave properly in the public eye.

“Good to see you, love” Harry says with his deep and raspy voice, as I approach him. I can feel how Louis stares into my back, Harry never ever called me love before.

“Hi, Harry. How are you?” I ask him, as I hug him. His arms are wrapped up all around my body, it´s amazing. I can smell him and he breathes on my shoulder, so I get shivers. As I kiss his cheek, he closes his eyes for a second and I can feel him smiling.

Gemma and I drive together to the venue, where the party will be. As we enter the club, it is already really crowded and I take Gemmas hand, to not lose her. We finally find the boys and sit down next to them. They are talking with some other people and I turn my head, to see if I know someone else here. I see Louis sisters on the dancefloor. We sit there for a bit and try to have a conversation against the loud music until the boys are finished talking and join us. Harry slides in next to me on the bench and I hold my breath, as his thigh and arm touch mine.

“Hey little brother, how about getting the ladies a new drink?” Gemma asks from the right and Harry rolls his eyes at her.

“Yea, I´ll take another one, too” Niall and Lou say and Harry sighs.

“I´m coming with you, to help” I suggest to him and he doesn’t look as annoyed as before. He stands up and holds his hand in my direction, so help me up. I take it in my hand and follow him. As he orders, a man approaches me and looks at me knowingly. What is happening?

“Fancy a drink? You look like you could need one” he says and glides between Harry and me.

“Thanks, no. I´m fine” I answer and smile at him. His hand rests on my hip and I try to take a step back, but it is too crowded.

“Well, maybe you want to join me in my private booth up there. We could have some fun…together” he smiles slimy at me. I shudder in disgust. He is attractive but how fast can someone be unattractive just of their behaviour.

“No, thanks” I answer, no longer smiling. Harry, who was in a discussion with the barkeeper finally turns in my direction and looks confused at where I was standing before.

“Come on, this dress would be very nice on the floor of this club…I´ll pay all your drinks if you join me” he mumbles and comes closer. I try to push him away from me, as I meet Harrys eyes. He has this little wrinkle on his forehead, that usually pops up, when he thinks or is angry, and combs his long locks with his hand.

“Under no circumstances” I scowl and feel, how he presses his body onto mine. I shudder and pull at his hands on my back, very near my ass.

“Hey, you touching my girl?” Harry says and his voice is deep and more like an angry growl. His girl? The man turns around and is met by Harrys glowing eyes. Harry is nearly a head taller than him and stares him down. He immediately puts his hands up and apologizes to Harry.

“Sorry, mate. Didn’t know she was taken. No offense, sorry” he says and I let my breath out.

“How about apologizing to the lady, you harassed?” Harry asks and the guy stammers an apology, before he takes off into the crowd.

“Thank you” I say from the bottom of my heart. The barkeeper puts the first drinks on the bar and I slide a bit closer to Harry. Just in case.

“Sorry guys, I need to get a new bottle of Gin. Be right back” the barkeeper says and disappears. I am pushed from some ladies behind me and stumble against Harrys arm.

“Sorry, I was pushed” I say and shoot him an apologetic look. He just smiles and pulls me right in front of him. I am now encircled by him and the bar. I smell his cologne and the fire from his home and look up at his face. His piercing eyes wander over my face and I can´t hold it back.

“Your girl, huh?” I ask and a smile darts over his lips. I shake my head and can´t look away from him.

“Had to say something, was the best that came to my mind” he answers and shrugs his shoulders. He has left is jacket at the table and I can now see the tattoos on his toned chest, as his black blouse is opened quite a bit.

“What is this that, by the way?” I ask and touch his thigh in this bright red suit pants with an all-over flower print.

“You don’t like it? I think it´s great” he answers and shows me his thigh. I laugh and shake my head.

“Well it will definitely be remembered. Flower boy” he laughs and I hear the barkeeper say:

“Here you go” Harry grabs some of the drinks and winks at me. I follow him with the other drinks and hand them to Gemma, Lou and Liam. Harry has mine and gives it to me. We salute each other to the hiatus and a lot of free time.

Later that night, I am just a little bit tipsy, instead of Louis who already went home two hours ago, I find myself outside the venue to catch a bit of fresh air. Unbelievable how fast the last five years have passed. I am thinking of leaving soon as well, because it is really tiring to be with so many people. I danced with literally everyone in this club and my feet really hurt. I sigh and see the white cloud forming from my breath.

“Cold, huh?” I hear a familiar voice and turn around to face Harry. He´s wearing his flower suit jacket and smirks at me.

“Leaving already?” I ask him and he shakes his head.

“No, I was looking for you” he answers and I turn a light shade of red.

“You getting now overprotective since we spoke last week?” I smile and he sighs.

“Told you, I´m a gentleman” he says and I nod. He is right, he definitely behaved this night like a gentleman and if he keeps being so nice to me…I will be head over heels for him in no time. Oh god, this is going to be really hard.

“What are you staring at?” he asks and touches his face confused. I shake my head and press my lips together. I am really cold, considering I have no jacket.

“Nothing. I´m going to grab my things, I guess” I say and move past him. He follows me back inside and in the little corridor he grabs my hand. I look at him confused, as I look into his green eyes.

“Come with me, Y/N” he says very simply and I am even more confused.

“With you? Where? Why?” I ask and watch how his hand entwines our fingers. What the fuck is happening?

“Just with me, because…I have absolutely fallen for you” he says and I open my mouth in shock. What? Harry Styles is in love with me? How? I mean…what? My brain is sending error signals and I can´t even form a normal word.

“Please say something” he begs me and comes closer. His eyes seem insecure and scared.

“I don’t know what…I´m…I…” I stammer very intelligent and he laughs quietly.

“I am in love with you, Y/N. Do you feel the same? Can you love me?” he asks and I think about his words. I am not yet in love with him, but I have a crush on him, definitely. If I can love him in the future…guess we will see. I smile at him and nod.

��I think that could happen, yes” I answer and he beams happily at me, cupping my cheek with his warm and soft hand. He leans in and as his soft lips touch mine, I know this will be a tough but great journey. Being with Harry. It is a soft and tender kiss, completely different as what I expected from a Rockstar but afterwards, he smiles and leans his forehead on mine.

“Shall we?” he whispers and his eyes sparkle happily. I swear, I have never seen such mesmerizing green eyes.

“We shall” I answer and smile back, as we finally leave the venue, hand in hand.

  _____________________________________

So, this is my first one on here, I hope you like it and don´t be too harsh on me. Feedback is gladly appreciated!

Love, xx

[louisfrecklesss]

I Promise | Louisentine

Description: Louis has a present for Clementine which he’s been preparing for by himself for a while.

Words: 1,293

Ship: Clementine x Louis

Warnings: none, love

Genre: fluff

A/N: this is long requested, i’m so sorry it’s late i’ve had so much pop up and like, i didn’t know i was going to be so busy. i’m really sorry, i love you all so much omg. hope you like this, hope it doesn’t seem rushed and ugly like me ahA 

__

“Just keep Clementine busy until I call you, okay?” Louis tightens his hold on the small boy in front of him watching as he tilts his head to the side in confusion.

“What are you doing again?”

Louis has tried to explain this to AJ for a long while but he doesn’t seem to understand what Louis was trying to do; why did he need to have Clementine away from him? Clementine loves being around Louis and not only that, but why does he need to get her away from him so he can give her a ring after? Rings get caught on things, which means danger which means Clementine could die.

“I’m giving Clementine a promise ring, I explained it little man.” AJ nods slowly before knocking his knuckles together with Louis and doing their signature handshake. “Just take her fishing, you know shi-”

“Languge.”

“Sorry, crap she is at fishing; she’ll take forever.” Louis comes down to AJ’s level holding his shoulders before smiling thankfully. “Thank you, AJ.”

AJ smiles before running off to Clementine screaming about how much he needs to practice fishing; Louis can see visually from his girlfriends face that she did not want to go fishing but nevertheless she gave in, how could she say no to AJ?

Louis has been preparing for this for what feels like forever, his palms are sweaty, he hasn’t wore his coat in days because he’s sweating all over and just feels on edge and uncomfortable with all these nerves. He just wants this to be perfect; him and Clementine have been together for over two years now and if he could he would ask her to marry him but in a world like this is just doesn’t seem possible anymore. 

Instead he settled for a promise ring, he even wrote vows for the moment; the moment that is very near to come once Clementine returns from the distraction. 

“Hey Lou, what you up too?” Violet comes up behind Louis before he walks into the building; of course Louis has told her already but he never said when he was doing it. From the sweat building on his eye brow and the worried look in his eye, Violet could tell he was planning to do it today and very soon. “Aw shit Lou, it’s okay.”

Louis does nothing but pull Violet into a hug, almost instantly Violet returns the hug rubbing his back softly. “Why are you so worried?” 

“What if she says no? Or thinks I’m completely stupid? Then breaks up with me?” Louis mumbles into Violets shoulder; the blonde girl lifts Louis from her shoulder screwing her eyebrows together before spitting out her words.

“What the shit Louis? Are you serious? She loves you! For some reason I don’t understand, she adores everything you do and you’ve been together for like almost three years. If anything, she’s just going to say that there’s not reason for you to give her one because she’ll never fucking leave you.” 

If there was any type of reassurance that Louis needed, this was it; and this is why he love Violet with all of his heart because without her he doesn’t know what to do or what to feel. 

Louis smiles down at Violet before inhaling and exhaling deeply. “I got this.”

After hours of preparation, Louis found an old candle and lucky enough a least one match stick still in tack alongside some very old stale pretzels which he knew Clementine loved because she said she used to eat them a lot when she was younger. He placed the candle onto the piano careful not to put it in a place where it could easily tip and burn the whole place down; the pretzels placed somewhere near Louis on the floor wanting to surprise Clementine when she comes in. 

And there he waits, he wait for his princess to arrive. 

Louis doesn’t even play the piano to calm his nerves but rather tries to come up with what he would say once Clementine arrives; no matter how long they’ve been together, he still gets nerves as if it’s the first time that they are meeting all of again.

“Clementine. No, that won’t do. Clem! Clemmy! Oh, no she hates Clemmy. Clemster? Ugh no, maybe I should just go wi-”

“Lou?” Louis jumps in his seat as he turns his head rapidly to look at Clementine at the door, she look tired and drained yet still so beautiful in his eyes. “Violet told me to find you here, why aren’t you in bed? it’s getting late.”

Louis gestures for her to sit next to him on the stool, and she does looking at Louis which such love and safety as if she’s home; because she is. 

“How are you, my darling?” Louis moves the loose strand of her hair. She moves into his palm resting her cheek in his hand closing her eyes softly; Louis does nothing but admire her. How her eyelashes kiss the top of her cheek as she rest her eyes, the light dirt on her face painted as freckles along her eyelids. 

“Tired. AJ made me go fishing, you know how much I hate fishing.”

Louis sighs before slowly removing his hand. “Actually, I told AJ to take you fishing.” Clementine’s eye shot open as she death stared Louis.

“Is this another fucking prank because I’m not playing Louis, I really hate fishing.” Louis shoots his hands up in defence laughing saying sorry multiple times before speaking. 

“No, I just wanted to surprise you. With stuff.” Clementine finally took the time to look around and see the candle he hand lit up, beside his feet she could see the pretzels but she didn’t want to ruin his surprise.

“What stuff, Louis?”

“I went hunting for this, I was looking very hard for anything that could possibly be a ring or look like something nice to give to you as just a token of my love. After we were captured, I realised that at any point we could be split from each other and a simple memory of our ‘I love you’ would not get us through times like that.” Louis pulled up one of the piano keys to reveal a ring underneath, Clementine could feel the tears building up in her chest and she almost couldn’t breath. “I wish i could marry you, but in this world it wouldn’t be possible, so I wanted to give you this ring. And this ring is a promise ring, do you promise me that you’ll love me forever and be nothing but honest and genuine with me my love?”

Clementine looked down at the ring then back up at Louis, then down at the ring, then at Louis. “Yo- You planned all this?” Louis nods nervously looking at Clementine for her answer. Clementine put out her hand allowing Louis to slowly place the ring on the correct finger.

Clementine jumped on Louis giving him a kiss filled with nothing but love and desire, she didn’t want to let go of Louis ever. 

“Of course Louis, of course I fucking promise.”

Louis grins widely letting the tears escape his eyes also. “Holy shit, I love you so fucking much.”

“I love you back, ten times more than you could ever imagine. I was really excited for the pretzels but now I know this I don’t know what to feel.” Clementine says leaving pecks all over Louis faces giggling in the process. 

“Wait, how did you know about the pretzels? That was the best bit!”

[jlf23tumble]

1D Day: Hour Four

Over the past few years, I’ve seen people try to insinuate that Zayn wasn’t into 1D Day, that he was moody or distant or some other adjective that implies he was on his way out the door, and to those people I ask, did you actually watch any of this, especially hour four? I mean, seriously, watch Zayn over the course of the whole day, but hour four is a revelation if you’ve ever had that notion. He’s witty, charming, happy, smiley, completely on board with every stupid game, and so professional with the fans and the rest of the team that he makes Liam look like an asshole (and Liam is so very far from being an asshole, like, ever). 

In fact, both Zayn and Liam are naturals as hosts; they’re a dream broadcasting team, and for all the (justified, mind you) attitude Louis and (especially) Harry throw down as the day progresses, it’s the complete polar opposite with Ziam. I could watch hours and hours of these two because they manage to convey that fake on-air TV personality chirpiness with a sincerity that’s endlessly compelling. They’re also off-the-charts HOT on this here day (Louis, too, but Jesus CHRIST have mercy on us in hour four). Let’s break it down under the cut.

Hour four kicks off with Zayn and Liam skateboarding onto the set, and Liam is honestly me with his plaintive “I’m really rubbish at skateboarding” as he basically stands on a board that somebody literally pushed in a straight line into the shot.

Zayn’s all excited that this is his first hour (like, he’s literally pumped up for it, and some could argue that he’s as coked up as Harry appears to be, but he’s not as aggressive, he just seems legit happy to be there). Liam’s an old pro by now, and the general mood is positive and calm, in spite of the mega fuckups in hour three and the immediate in-ear issues they’re both already experiencing. Help, they're so hot:

The first segment is about invention ideas from fans, and joining them in the Google+ Hangout (lmaoooo) is Peter Jones (Liam: “a very rich man”) from Dragon’s Den, aka the UK’s Shark Tank, and for all of his cash and presumably all of the D’s, this feels VERY low rent. Way to sell this Google ad, team…maybe that’s why Google+ is a total failure, hmmmm, makes you think. Anyway, the first invention is a 1D Kube, and noah fence to this fan, I’ve made better merch, c’mon, people think outside the box:

Because Peter’s gross, he suggests using nude body parts of the boys instead of their faces, and me as Liam, completely creeped out by that suggestion. The next idea is a 1D pillow, where you go to sleep, and the pillow pipes two 1D songs directly into your brain before powering itself off, but Liam wisely says this might be more distracting than soothing. Peter’s right there with the idea that it should instead offer up soothing pillowtalk (Zayn, take notes!), which instantly worries both me and Liam because it’s weirdly sexi instead of sexy sexi.

The final invention is fart pants, which boils down to deodorized boxers for people like Niall who practically shit themselves when they fart in closed tour buses (paraphrasing). Naturally, Peter likes this idea a LOT, and asks Liam a low-key invasive question about someone stealing his underwear, which leads to a riveting tale of the missing pants and a nervous Liam asking Peter exactly how he knew about this incident. Peter laughs it off as something he found online to embarrass Liam with, but try harder, asshole…they answer worse questions than this before breakfast.

Next, we get Julian “I can’t bother to find out how to spell his last name,” one of the D’s cowriters, in a cringe VT about picking up girls with 1D lyrics. It’s so fucking gross that only Ben Winston could have come up with it, and it goes on FOREVER, even though nothing about it is interesting or cute or witty or anything other than tedious yikes for the women involved. Even Julian knows it’s creepy, and he seems like a guy who’s pretty comfortable with creepy.

We get back in the studio to some actually attractive people who have chemistry together, and, no, it’s not Julian and John “I can’t bother to find out how to spell his last name either” (they make sure to sit far enough apart to maintain their extreme masculinity):

Liam has some good interview questions for these two, such as, “What’s your favorite song that you wrote on for this album,” and John thinks he’s clever by saying it’s both “Little Black Dress” and “Little White Lies,” but the real gem here is the audio of Liam creating “Better Than Words” out of thin air. Look at this fondness while we all listen to Liam’s genius (it’s kind of embarrassing, this whole bit):

We move to fan selfies, and Liam does a terrible Irish accent to request potato selfies for Niall. Moving on to the call box of doom, the two Larries currently rocking out in there seem to dig “Strong” the best (as you do), and Zayn, valiantly battling someone in his ears, politely whispers, “You can crack on listening,” before shutting the door softly.

The VT of randomness from New Zealand prompts Liam to ask, “Zayn, what did you get up to in New Zealand?” (the answer is getting a snake tattoo that’s one of Liam’s favorites on him, in case you’re wondering). But before we can ponder any of that too closely, it’s time for opera singer Rebecca to return for the excruciating opera version of tweets.

Scott’s on the scene to point out the obvious, i.e., Ziam makes it all look so easy, but this next segment is not for the faint of heart. The boys have to blindfold each other (!!) and then feel up crew members to see if they can identify them. Whyyyyy is this so tender:

Someone else blindfolds Liam after he does Zayn (Liam, after it’s done: “Nobody touch me”), and there’s a brief moment where they can feel each other, and Zayn says, “That’s you, Liam,” and fuckkkk me up, wowwww, it’s a lot to take in:

 Anyway, they go on to feel up a lot of doughy white guys to see if they can blindly identify them, and AGAIN, it’s gross because Scott keeps encouraging them to feel this person up below the waist, too (note, they don’t know if it’s a guy or a girl). Fortunately, it’s a parade of doughy white guys until they get to Lou Teasdale, and Zayn identifies her immediately because she’s so fidgety.

We head over to another Google Hangout, and god, words cannot express how good Ziam is at this because even though the same shit happens here as it does in the last hour, these two handle it all like pros. I live for Zayn’s, “Have you been watching the whole show? Are we doing a good job?” with an intense amount of sincerity, and thank god these girls give him the thumbs up because they truly are.

My fave part of this segment is the girls who ask them what their first CD and concerts were. Liam says Linkin Park for CD and Gareth Gates for concert, which earns him boos from the homophobes in the studio, but warm hugs from me. Zayn, who answers this fan question to Liam instead of the girls who asked it, says he can’t remember his first CD, but his first gig was JLS with the boys, and wow, the first date realness here:

Zayn’s genuinely sweet throughout all of these fan segments, asking questions and being invested in the answers, dawwww. The last question is about where they get the inspiration for their dance moves, and Liam says he blags its, but Zayn is here to kill us all by saying, “My inspiration for dancing comes from you, Liam (Louis in the background: “hahahahaha”) because you’re such a good dancer,” and god, I’m not ready for this right now, tbh.

There’s a BSE VT from the fans before a bingo spin to figure out who to follow (again, just follow them all, what does it even matter at this point, ratcha fratcha). But the most annoying part of this bit is that even *I* can hear the in-air buzz of chatter from Ben’s team, so I cannot even imagine how annoying it is in actual ears, holy fuck.

Next up is a live link to Finland, to say hello to the fans who created a massive fanbook that Zayn carefully flips through and sincerely thanks everyone for creating. The VT he introduces next is Louis playing footie, and YES, look at this angel who’s only 22:

Naturally, there are LOADS of technical problems and fuckups, but it’s so refreshing to hear that “hahahahaha” in a massive, empty arena, and to see him practicing a sport he clearly loves.

We’re back with the poor bastards running the Guinness Book of World Records, this time with Liam’s ass smashing balloons (Zayn: “If he wins, do we get our names put down as well?”). The first time is a bust (ha) that ends up hurting Liam’s balls (how, I don’t know):

Everyone agrees they can do better, but Zayn’s not having any further fuckups as he literally coaches Sandy in the background about how best to hold the balloons so that Liam’s ass can smash them in the most efficient manner:

Sadly, it’s not enough to smash the record, much to everyone’s chagrin, but there’s no time to fret or redo, we're off to Stan teaching Zayn’s school to sing (ooops, the VT is incorrect, it’s Scott teaching the X Factor staff to sing “What Makes Your Beautiful,” and they’re the shittiest singers ever, so go off on judging people, I guess).

As per usual, the highlights are fucking horrific. Can’t wait for hour five!

[tessatechaitea]

Kid Eternity #1

I swear to God I ruined my underwear when I saw Ann Nocenti wrote this.

I like the vague ambiguity of the phrase "ruined my underwear." Did I come in them or shit myself? Probably both since it's Ann Nocenti! Her writing is fucking terrible but in that way that I can't get enough of it! And I have no memory of this comic book so I'm actually pretty excited right now. Like the first time I realized I could make my own dick hard by shoving a finger up my ass. The story begins with three homeless men having a philosophical discussion about how terrible women are. You know, the way men do. Men like to defend this kind of talk as "locker room" talk, as if the locker room is some kind of special out-of-bounds timeout area where nothing said or done actually counts. Which, if it were true, would mean I was never bullied in 8th grade for having man tits. I will say this: boys and men behave like monsters in a locker room. Some of us have avoided locker rooms, to the best of our abilities, for most of our lives because of men who somehow think it's their safe space to act like the sociopaths they truly are. Fucking thank God women exist if being in the presence of women means terrible fucking men think they can't be themselves. Because nobody needs a society of men acting in public the way they act in a locker room. And anybody who uses the phrase "locker room talk" as an excuse for certain types of behavior are telling on themselves. Because that person in the locker room is who they truly are and the person hiding behind the mask is the one who leaves that locker room and knows they have to hide some secret, terrible side of themselves. What I'm trying to say by way of Ann Nocenti's homeless people is that Donald Trump and his defenders are sociopathic monsters who would tell me to get over it and it's just a joke after they came up behind me in the locker room and grabbed one of my man boobs in 8th Grade. Fuck them and fuck you, Steve Garcia. One of the homeless men, Josef, is all, "I love the way you sing, Willie, but you call women a lot of derogatory names in your songs!" And Willie is all, "Oh, you know I love them so much! We're the bastards and they're the best for loving us!" And then the last one whose name I don't know yet is all, "Josef, you're a bigger chump than your Biblical namesake." Which made me think, "That's not cool! Why call poor Joseph a chump? How was it his fault his brothers were jealous pricks who stole his beautiful coat and threw him in a pit to be devoured by wolves?!" Was that what happened or am I mixing my Biblical stories with Aesop's fables? Anyway, it turns out he meant Joseph as in Mary and Joseph. But why would I think of that Joseph before the Old Testament Joseph?! Mary's Joseph is practically the least important character in The Bible! Probably because he was such a chump. Does "chump" mean "a super understanding and sweet and compassionate and not at all jealous (although maybe a little naive and gullible?) kind of person"? After the nameless homeless person makes their joke about how Josef would buy the virgin birth excuse, he laughs uproariously. People who laugh at their own jokes confuse me. Sometimes I'll laugh at something funny I've said but generally only after other people laugh at it and then their laughter might be infectious. Or because I've said something that I didn't know I was going to say and it catches me by surprise as well. But you know how many people say a thing and then laugh immediately after? It's like they've been trained by laugh tracks to think that other people won't know something is funny if you don't chuckle at it immediately. I know a few people who sort of chuckle after everything they say and it infuriates me! Sometimes it just feels like they're doing it to say, "Ha ha! I know what I just said is nonsense and wasn't worth uttering and shouldn't be taken seriously so here's my apologetic chuckle." I'd prefer the statement without the laugh just as I prefer my sitcoms without the audience laughter. And while it might be forgivable for a person to laugh or chuckle at their own statements while in conversation with others, it's absolutely reprehensible when somebody writes something on Facebook or Twitter and ends with a "lol" or the crying while laughing emoji. The level of hilarity in your statement ain't for you to decide, bruv.

"I wish I were alive." Wait. This homeless guy's dead?

Across the street from the homeless encampment stands a warehouse where strange things have been going on. Or, at least, one strange thing has been going on: a guy that looks like John Lennon reincarnated has been squatting there. That's a strange enough premise for a comic book, right? Maybe the looking like John Lennon isn't the strange bit. That's just the descriptive bit. The strange bit is that he dreams about finding water in a toilet with a divining rod while a little kid shoots him in the stomach. He wakes up with a bullet wound while some paranormal government investigators drop by to get help him on a case. And don't think they're just clones of Scully and Mulder because of their hair color. The guy, Jerry, is a dead comedian returned to life in the body of a homicidal killer (no, he's not Shade the Changing Man) and the lady, Val, has been chased by demons and serial killers who never had a proper father transference and loves to quote psychologists. They've got a real Bud Abbott and Lou Costello vibe going. Kid Eternity (the John Lennon clone) squats with an angel named Keep. I don't know what's going on yet but it'll truly be weird seeing as how Ann Nocenti wrote it. Not because she's good at writing weird things. She just writes things that sound like a non-native speaker translating something from their language into English. You know, Engrish. Ann Nocenti writes in Engrish.

Weird how the guy is into a plan that he'll only be involved with for five minutes and the woman who will have to deal with it for the rest of her life is all, "Fuck this nonsense!"

One of Kid Eternity's super powers is to yell the word "eternity" which summons a historical personage. He tries to summon Cupid to get the FBI agents to fuck but it doesn't work. Probably because Cupid isn't real but also maybe because Cupid is dead, according to Keep. He reminds Kid Eternity that gods die when people stop believing in them. Which is weird because you'd think Cupid would still have quite a bit of life in him. Isn't Valentine's Day practically a holy day dedicated to him? If Cupid isn't still alive, no way is The People of the Book's god, God, still alive! I bet there's more actual worship of Cupid and love on Valentine's Day than all the religious fervor for the monotheistic God during the whole year. And that God has three big religions worshiping his ass! I just think a large percentage of his worship is lip service (which is also a large percentage of Cupid's worship, if you get what I'm saying (oral sex)). Next there's a scene in a church where a Reverend Murphy gets drunk on confirmation wine and gropes a nun. She then hides a thorny cross in her underwear and he grabs it and gets cut. She then says, "See?" And he's all, "See what?" And that's it. That's the scene. I suppose it sets up Kid Eternity in the confessional but I don't know why. Also I don't know if the nun hides the cross in her underwear. But you have to make your own calls when reading an Ann Nocenti scene. Often, two characters who seem to be having a dialogue (based on my years of experience reading comic books where if two people are in the same panel and both have word balloons, that means the people are speaking to each other) wind up having two separate conversations in which neither seems to be responding to the other. Maybe Ann Nocenti has only ever had conversations on Internet messaging systems? Knowing that Ann Nocenti has never talked with another living being face to face would go a long way to explaining her writing. Actually, nothing can explain her writing. I keep trying to explain it but I'm really in over my head here. Maybe this is what it's like being a dumb ass? Maybe Ann Nocenti is so much smarter than me, I'm like a mentally disabled person trying to parse Shakespeare. I just don't have the brain power to understand this stuff so my natural defenses kick in. "I'm not too stupid to understand this; Ann Nocenti is stupid! She writes dumbly! Like a huge dumb moron dumby!" Since the FBI agents won't fuck to produce a special Buddha Christ child, Kid Eternity needs to search the world for the next step in human evolution. So he screams "Eternity!" and summons Madame Blavatsky to help. I began reading the Wikipedia page on Madame Blavatsky so when I make a joke about her fraudulent spiritualism, I could do it being well-informed. But I was immediately derailed when I read that her mother translated into Russian the novels of Edward Bulwer-Lytton. How do I get past that?! I'm fucking flabbergasted. I'm fucking stunned that this is a thing. The cogs in my brain ground to a halt. Now I'm never going to understand Blavatsky's theory of Theosophy because this fact has rerouted all of my processing power to mull it over. Even if I read about her spiritualism and belief in Theosophy, I won't retain any of it. I can only learn one fact per day as extraordinary as this Edward Bulwer-Lytton/Madame Blavatsky connection. The more I read about Madame Blavatsky, the more I feel like maybe Ann Nocenti considered herself a modern day version of the spiritualist. Maybe she even thought she was the reincarnation of the woman. I suppose I only think this because Blavatsky was so well educated (both by others and by her own insatiable reading habits) and Ann Nocenti's writings, while confusing and off-kilter, are full of things a well-educated person would mention if they wanted people to know they're well-educated. I know this because I don't understand most of it. The worst part about reading about Madame Blavatsky is thinking, "What the fuck have I done with my life?" after every single sentence of her biography where she's learning something new, or going someplace new, or convincing more people that she's traveled astrally and been visited by a mysterious Indian man in a mystic vision. Although reading that a lot of historians mark about 10 to 25 of her years as being "unreliable" and "largely uncorroborated" makes me feel a little bit better. I suppose if I had to make an accounting of my life without worry of anybody offering a conflicting opinion, my life would be super exciting too! Just think! I could get people to believe I've slept with more than four women! Or three women. Is four already sounding too unbelievable? Maybe two? Well, at least one! And it was so good! Madame Blavatsky's Wikipedia article contains the most uses of the word "allegedly" right after O.J. Simpson's. I wish I'd lived in an age where people couldn't corroborate anything I said I'd done and the only reason people wouldn't simply outright believe it would be because none of the things I said happened were ever mentioned in anybody I knew personally's diary. "Well, sure, Grunion Guy said he had marital relations with more than four women but we couldn't find proof of his relations with any of those women written down in their diaries. Maybe the mysterious entry 'Had a terrible night. Will not repeat that experience' possibly backs up the assertion but, if so, a night with Grunion Guy was no more memorable than a night of eating bad seafood." I'm sorry. This is now becoming a review of Madame Blavatsky. But I feel like I need to know everything that Ann Nocenti knew to understand her story.

Err, or maybe I don't. Maybe I'm reading too much into Nocenti's work.

Madame Blavatsky's first question to Kid Eternity is "What's to eat in this century?" That's because she's fat. It's funny, right? Speaking of being fat, I was watching some Community last week and they're discussing whether a name sounds like a fat girl's name. Mostly Pierce is discussing that because the others are too young and woke to think in those terms. But Pierce says the name is a fat girl's name, "like Gravy Jones." My cat's name is Gravy so now I keep telling her that she has the name of a fat girl. Which is probably appropriate because she's such a coot widdle stocky lady with the shortest little back legs and oh my God I'm so in love with her.

It's only fair that if I mention Gravy, I have to supply a photo of Gravy.

Being a Vertigo title, there are tits. Lots and lots of tits. But only in a scene of the Greek Gods as they awaken from a two thousand year old orgy coma. Kid Eternity woke them up by calling for Cupid. Except Cupid isn't the first to wake for some reason. That reason is so that Hermes can switch his love arrows with Ares' hate arrows. Who knew Ares had hate arrows? Zeus doesn't care about any of it because he just wants to rape something. But Hera is all, "Rape is way too hard now! They made, like, laws against it!" Which seems like a weird thing to say. As if rape would be acceptable without a law against it? Hmm, what am I saying? Even with laws against it, it's almost acceptable with all of these "boys will be boys" banner waving frat boys running our world into the ground. Meanwhile, Madame Blavatsky stuffs Twinkies down her throat followed by Coke chasers. She jumps to a lot of conclusions while trying to figure out who Kid Eternity is and why he summoned her. But since she thinks up those conclusions, they must be true. You need somebody in a comic book who somehow knows more than they should know to explain things to the reader. I find it an annoying shortcut because it just spits out a bunch of truth from an absolutely trustworthy source instead of finding a reasonable way to present the information through actual events in the story. It's like in the HBO series The Outsider where they're investigating the murder of a child and things are getting really weird. So as the show moves from a seemingly normal murder investigation into the paranormal realm, an unknown woman happens to overhear one of the investigators talking to a lead, takes her aside, and explains exactly what the fuck the murderer/monster is. Did the writers think that this just looked like hard work by the investigator paying off as opposed to what it really was: random luck that the investigator happened to run into some omniscient character who isn't a mental patient with a crackpot theory at all but the one person who knows the absolute truth of one of the craziest mysteries of the universe? At least Madame Blavatsky's revelations are just mild speculations about Kid Eternity's part in the universe and who might have created him to be a key player. She doesn't just hand out the answers for free. Speaking of characters who give the answers to the mystery, the only acceptable one was M. Night Shyamalan's character in Signs. The characters should have believed that he knew what he was talking about when he said the aliens were probably susceptible to water because he was the writer and the director. I mean, why aren't you listening to that guy?! Although I still hate the movie because the whole point is that all the "signs" point to a proof that there is something greater in the universe (like, you know, God) directing our movements and lives. But that only makes sense because the story was written by a person and so that person is basically the God setting the events in place. Of course everything in the script happens for a reason because it was written that way. Life isn't a fucking M. Night Shyamalan script (thank God!). Double meanwhile, some Catholic priests and nuns are releasing a bunch of demons they've kept in captivity because the Pope said they should. I'm sure it has something to do with Kid Eternity and his search for the new age Buddha Jesus but I can't logically connect the dots. Reading an Ann Nocenti story is like looking at a magic eye painting. You can't really understand it by simply looking at it. You have to cross your eyes until your head hurts and hold your breath until you nearly pass out and maybe ingest some bad oysters to boot. You know there's probably a recognizable image in there somewhere but fuck it if you have the patience to see it. I just grabbed a Magic Eye picture at random on the Internet and screwed up my vision to see what it was and it said, "I

A typical Nocenti page. She just throws every idea in her head at the page and hopes it sounds profound. I suddenly feel like I have a lot in common with her.

Oh, the demons were let out to kill anybody who might have a Buddha Christ child! I finally fucking understand Ann Nocenti! It took some work (I've been reading this comic book for five days now) but I got there! She's working on a sort of a "spirituality is good and can save mankind but religious dogma is bad and wants to keep them in the dark" theme! That's probably why she brought in Madame Blavatsky. Because she founded that whole Theosophical Society which believed the answers to everything would be born out of religion, science, and philosophy. There were some truths in all religions (having been, she believed, based on one Ancient Wisdom) but none of them practiced it correctly and most were frauds to keep elites in power. Maybe she was a fraud as a spiritualist and as an autobiographer but she might have been on the right track in the core truth of existence. Not that I believe there's a core truth of existence. Einstein said that God doesn't play dice with the universe. But I say it's dice all the way down! Most of life is us trying to maintain the illusion of control. It's why we seek answers. We want to have as much information as possible so that all of the choices we make have an absolute 100% known outcome. But we can never have that and that's what makes life a tragedy. The proof of my theory is Pulp Fiction. The arc for most of the characters in the film depend almost entirely on random happenstance. We might control every aspect of our lives as much as we can but can we control when we need to take a shit? Fuck no. I mean, a little bit! But not to the degree that our lives won't be affected by taking one. Vincent dies because he takes a shit at the wrong time. Jules manages to stop the diner robbery because he's in the bathroom when it breaks out. That one guy almost kills both Jules and Vincent because he's in the bathroom when they come for the glowing briefcase. And it's not just that we can't control our bowels. John McClane runs into Wallace at a crosswalk. It's all fucking random, man! And if you don't accept pop culture entertainment as theoretical proof of the workings of the universe, I have a personal anecdote! I once applied for a job at a comic book store. A day or two later, I was taking a shit when I heard the phone ring. It was the store leaving a message to call them back about the job. I tried to call them back but either had the wrong number or couldn't get through somehow. So taking the shit made me miss my dream job! Taking a shit is the worst thing you can do for your health and your dreams.

I totally get where you're coming from, Gregory, but the "enforced" part of your plan might be a problem.

That plan by Gregory was considered a woke thought in the early 90s. Pretty sure I had it in college. Not the enforced part! Just that vision of the future we've all had or heard somebody come up with while drinking late into the night and feeling particularly melancholy. That vision where everybody has mocha skin and brown eyes and beautiful, thick black hair and nobody hates anybody for superficial differences. Although as Anthrax pointed out, "Would we hate each other by the sound of our voice? Tell me how it feels to be hated! Tell me how it feels to be loved! Tell me what it means to be respected! Or is the answer none of the above?!" Have I hit on what makes Ann Nocenti's writing both interesting and not very good? She somehow has a photographic memory for every profound thought she's ever had throughout her life and when she sits down to write, they all crowd up to the front clamoring to be added to the story. And so her story becomes a jumble of mixed up theories and random shower thoughts that never quite fit together into a coherent narrative. Holy fuck! I think I've finally cracked her and the reason why I love reading her terrible stories! Do I love the heart and determination of her need to profess profundities while lacking all control of the story?! Fucking hell. She's my Tommy Wiseau, isn't she/ "The stranger" in the above comic book caption is Cupid. He's been summoned by Kid Eternity but he arrived late because he had to wake up from a God coma. Plus he has hate arrows on him instead of love arrows. Oh man, just think of all the mischief he's going to create!

Fuckin' amen, Gregory. And by the transitive property, fuckin' amen to Ann Nocenti too.

I refuse to believe that Ann Nocenti's writing has moved me in any way. I have just hit myself in the side of the head with a hammer and am blacking out. When I come to, I shall have no memory of this every happennaodgigk Man, my head hurts! I guess I was reading this Ann Nocenti comic book and I had a stroke! I guess I'll never know even if the me having the stroke typed something about it in the previous paragraph because, as anybody who has read anything I've ever written knows, I don't fucking proofread, edit, or rewrite. Keep and Madame Blavatsky have gone around putting a huge 'X' on the door of every person who might produce a Buddha Christ child. The demon angel babies have gone around murdering all of the people behind those doors. And they're working for the church! I love a good story where the church is the bad guy. So close to real life!

Either the murderer is Madame Blavatsky or this panel is part of a Hostess advert.

Actually, the demon angel babies are also into 20th Century snack food because all the church ever fed them was the blood of innocents and priestly confessions of pederasty. Although if those were Oreo flavors, I'd be all over them. Somehow Kid Eternity has convinced the feminist (who spent at least one full page discussing how much she hates dicks and erections) to consider carrying the Buddha Christ child. She's totally against dicks getting anywhere near her love portal but when she sees the dead guy, she's all, "Oh! Never mind! He's cute! Maybe do that He-man yell where you summon somebody from the past to this guy and I'll fuck the fuck out him." But instead of Kid Eternity remembering he can bring anybody from the past by raising the Sword of Grayskull over his head and screaming like a maniac, he decides to not remember that. Guess what happens that you've already guessed by all the clues in the story so far? That's right! Cupid shoots the two FBI Agents with his hate arrows! And now they want to fuck each other even less than before! Now they want to Human Centipede each other! But not in a hot way like the term "Human Centipede" suggests. Kid Eternity has a dream that Jesus is old and getting drunk at a bar. He's expecting Kid Eternity to save the world. Jesus can't do it because he's just a dream. I think the real Jesus has turned goth and been sent to Hell.

So is this Satan? He's different than Lucifer in the DC Universe, right? Maybe Satan is also Andrew Bennett!

If not for the "I've gotten a bum rap for all the evil ever" speech, I was hoping this was Jesus Christ in Hell. But I get the whole Last Supper thing but for Satan is some kind of analogy or metaphor that's supposed to make me think. So let me think. Oooh. Ahhh. Profound! Kid Eternity and Suzie the Feminist meet a guy named Dog who hunts the little dirty angel demon babies. He acts like an animal and quotes Susan Sontag. I probably went through a phase where I quoted Susan Sontag. But then my critical lit theory course ended and I was all, "Why was she so afraid of flying?" That was a joke that I'm leaving in even though the few people who understand it will simply think I'm an ignorant moron. And even after understanding it was a joke, it probably will just downgrade "ignorant moron" to "asshole misogynist." Still, it made me chuckle. Suzie points out to Kid Eternity that Madame Blavatsky was a charlatan and he's all, "Dammit! I spent my whole budget for the month on Hostess snacks!" And then Madame Blavatsky pops in eating a Twinkie and a Ding Dong and is all, "It was all worth it for the delicious creamy center and spongy golden cake!" Also, they discover Suzie's computer is now pregnant with the Buddha Christ child. Thank God! That takes care of the problem of finding a woman to incubate the thing. Who would fucking want that job?! Even Mary probably would have turned down the job if God had asked for consent. Later, Kid Eternity finds a baby in a trash can beneath his window. A woman runs up and is all, "My baby!" And Kid Eternity is all, "Oh, yeah. Here you go. You must have left it in the trash." And she runs off with it and Kid Eternity finds the baby healed his bullet wound. It was the Buddha Christ child! Thrown out like last week's tampon! Is that how long a tampon stays in? A full week? Kid Eternity #1 Rating: B. While confusing at times because Ann Nocenti really has a lot to say and seems to think it all needed to be said in this comic book, I still sort of enjoyed it. The dialogue wasn't as confusing as some of Nocenti's dialogue can get although there were times I clearly recognized Nocenti's handiwork. Mostly in the way characters methodically explain what they're doing so the reader understands exactly how the plot is moving forward by the character's actions. It's such pure Nocenti that had I not known she wrote this, I'd have assumed it was her. Some of her ideas, she just throws out there in a way which you can tell she isn't going to explore them any further. Those ideas are some of her best in this book. But even the ones that seem to be making up the foundation of the book (more abundant than you would expect. This comic was dense and long) have the potential to be interesting. I only bought three issues of this book before I came to my senses which either means it gets absolutely confusing or I just couldn't follow a story with this much going on in month to month intervals. Hopefully the next two issues just get worse because I don't want to feel tempted to seek out the rest of this series. Oh, and judging by the "Next Month" blurb at the end, the Satanic figure is Beelzebub. Although wasn't he a fly-shaped demon in The Demon?

[briteboy]

stealing @bratsims format because i need a less ugly way to mass answer your messages which will hopefully motivate me to stay on top of this! at least i can say i tried

so if you sent me an anon message in the past...idk MONTH (i’m bad i know) it might be here. (older ones are near the bottom) if not, check my faq because it’s probably answered there. (and if you’re the person/people who sent the twin flame & 7th house asks, i plan to answer those separately because i have a LOT to say. get ready)

game of thrones, nuclear war, real life santis, lou theories, i’m evil, HERE WE GO!! i literally had to cut it off at the last one because it was just too much for now. i’ll try to answer some more later ok

we’re starting off on a great note

Anonymous said: gaddamn rooney's tiddies lookin' hella ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

STOP!!!!!!!!!!! THAT’S MY CHILD soaidfnjds she’s supposed to have like b/c cups (goals for me tbh, the big boob life is not fun) and sims 4 pregnancies just fuckin make them...NYOOM i’m mad you can’t edit sims’ bodies during pregnancy even with cas.fulleditmode on -___- so i let her live with her giant preggo tiddies for now

Ngl I want a kiss between Santi and Gianni (I'm sorry I'm literally trash)

then i’m here to satisfy your desires: they do kiss periodically because gianni is one of those people who’s like “why shouldn’t you kiss your friends?” free love 4 everyone

IM SCREAING AT UR YOUTUBE CHANNEL OK!!!! I LOVEEE IT, WOW

DON’T IT’S UGLY EXCEPT FOR LIKE TWO VIDEOS

hey this is kinda random but i thought joe seaward from glass animals looked kinda like santi? he has quite a weird face too lmao

oMG i actually love that, i know what you mean. that dude reminds me of a bull terrier lmao i actually saw glass animals like two weeks ago!! i didn’t really get a good look at the drummer but now i wish i did. missed connection

i just finished reading santi's story and ugh it almost had me in tears! beautiful, your story telling skills and editing skills are perfection!

ahhhhsdkgkds thank you so much ;____; that means the world to me <333

Unpopular opinion: im so done with game of thrones tbh. It's not even good anymore :/ I liked the first season but since then i've skipped through episodes because they are just sooo fucking boring and dragged out!

see like the first three seasons were pretty good because they stayed true to the books. (actually that’s a lie, littlefinger’s chaos speech in the s3 finale was real fuckin bad because guess what: it was original material LMAO) the fourth season was where it started to get messy and then the fifth season was a fucking shitshow because they completely IGNORED the fourth book and cherrypicked all the “good” parts out of it (read: the most action-y parts, while ignoring all the most important pieces of character development) and they botched the dorne storyline, oh and who could forget the iconic moment of throwing in a rape (THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN IN THE BOOKS) just for fun :) love it! but anyway if you think the show is boring i probably wouldn’t recommend the books, they’re even slower getting through them lmao. but it’s worth it in my opinion. there’s so much they don’t include in the show and it makes me Angery

Okay, game of thrones fan here, I haven't read the books (yet at least, I bought book 1) but I feel like dany is going to practically turn into her father, this season she is already showing traits like his.......

OH YEAH i definitely feel like they’re moving in that direction in the process of revealing jon as the “true” king of westeros and it’s so bad lmfao. the thing is, like...cersei is already mad king 2.0? why do we need another one?????? the entire point of dany’s arc is that she’s constantly trying to deviate AWAY from the way her father ruled, demonstrated by the fact that she freed the slaves (whereas all the targaryens before were slave owners), the fact that she’s not perpetuating the whole incest thing (LMAO GUESS AGAIN BECAUSE JONERYS HAS TO HAPPEN FOR SOME FCKING REASON), the fact that she has dragons which haven’t existed in how many years...like, if she ever ends up being like her father in the books, it’s NOT gonna fucking happen like this. but i don’t think she will anyway, george rr martin has been pretty clear about her trajectory thus far. anyway this show is so ugly, next question

rooney's eye are so BIG

just like her tiddies lmao i kno sometimes i forget how big they are and then she does one of those silly endearing animations and i’m like o ;-; hello big dumb baby cow eyes

Cows? Are you secretly Matthew Daddario?

WHO i had to google him lmao i was about to say “oh the teen wolf guy” but jk @ myself u idiot it’s shadowhunters damn i literally googled “matthew daddario cows” and

tru

I love how fragile Lou looks like but the truth is that she is strong af and you can't play with her bruh

SHE IS ;-; and that’s a huge theme in her story, i’m excited <3

ima leave ur blog and come bk and spam you so you will finally notice me

im part of this online forum of girls that talks about our period and weather or not one of us might be pregnant and once this girl posted saying that her husband invited his mom without telling her to thier honeymoon and she didnt find out until they arrived at the hotel and she was already there. the most recent part reminded me of it. but long story short, her dad moved all her stuff out of his house and her friend came to pick her up and they got a divorce.

OISOJDFAKNLJSD WHAT!!! i’m guessing you sent this because of that thing i said about the reddit post lmfaooo imagine your mom on your honeymoon. why. that’s soooooooooo good 4 her u know. u don’t need to be married to his mom as well

thanks 4 trusting my love santi. he's beautiful

thank u he thinks ur beautiful too 💘

do you have any tips for runing game in good quality and fast?

euhhhhh the only tips i have for you are to merge your cc, close all other programs while you play your game, maybe invest in a cooling pad uhhhhhh yeah idk any other tips you can probably find on google

You told that thing about unfollowing people and I thought you unfollowed me, but then I checked and you didn't and I'm crying omg

lmao omg ;-; i literally cut my following list in half, it was so chaotic and it was making me anxious. so if ever unfollow any of you please don’t take it personally (i know it’s a stupid thing to say, and it’s a lot easier said than done) it’s just my brain explodes when there’s too much going on at once and some content blends into others, i’m trying to only follow people who i’m genuinely interested in enough to keep up with their posts from now on

I haven't been able to sleep in over 72 hours thanks to the constant fear over the looming world war. I'm fine. Completely fine

Oh shit, have you noticed that the media has been putting out more 'what to do during a nuclear attack' kinda articles? This world is slowly going to shit, for real. I'm not even near any of the danger really, but it still absolutely terrifies me to see all of that bc it could very well go wrong and hit my place as well yknow? I have no idea why i send this to you but you seem chill and calm so thanks for reading my freakout askfjsls

YEP it’s pretty terrifying. but at the same time don’t let fear overwhelm you, fearmongering is an ugly, ugly thing and you don’t want to live your life constantly worrying. so just prepare yourself for what might come, but at the same time, just spend as much time with your loved ones as you can, do all the things you’ve ever wanted to do, and then if it doesn’t turn out as bad as we thought it would, you *tim mcgraw voice* lived like u were dyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyin’

@ Jesus anon: I really don't think it's the right time to complain about "using the lord name in vain" when there are people terrified of leaving their homes bc they are afraid to get killed (aka that poor, poor Jewish anon in charlottesville)

yeah idk like i want to respect everyone but it seemed to be in poor taste to bring that up at a time like that lmao. and also i’ve literally never in my entire life met someone who actually takes “don’t say the lord’s name in vain” seriously. 

I asked about the poses and HOLY CRAP THANK YOU SO MUCH! I finally have good poses to use for story telling. Thank you soo so so so sooooo much!

YAY i’m glad you found some good stuff <3 and honestly just going through lana’s blog you’ll find a ton of good poses, it’s a gold mine

Idk how much tv you watch, but have you've ever come across a tv show that used music from The Sim? Because once in a while I'll hear Sims 3 build/buy music on some random show and I'll get a lil shook because I find it so weird that the generic music they're using comes from a major game title.

OMG LMAO NO what i wish i’d come across that tho. one time i used sims 1 music in a video i made for school and someone recognized it

I love your stories gosh I check your page "it's everyday bro with femmesim flow" Lol sorry for that awkward Jake Paul "poop" ❤️

lmao thank u i had no idea who jake paul was until my friends started talking about him

yo, I also remember once in french class real life santi asked me what videos games I like to play. When I told him the sims, he looked at me for a while and shaked his head. He was like, "why do you want to watch your sims use the toilet?"

WHY DO YOU WANT TO WATCH YOUR SIMS USE THE TOILET SAME that’s all i care about when i play

that rooney face in the 5 facts is so iconic, its my fave picture of her. You should blow it up and frame it

i should tbh. i should print it out and put it in my wallet to show everyone because she is my child

sorry the bother you, merging cc makes your game smoother? can you explain to me please?

boop

hi i love you ♡ pass it on

I LOVE U

Can I say that hearing a MacBooks fans screaming for dear life as they try to cool down when playing the sims has actually started to haunt my nightmares

SAME my macbook is actually doing it right now for no reason. thanks laptop

Maybe Santi should go to therapy to talk out his issues.

maybe he should 🤔  but tbh he’s already talked out everything, there’s nothing really more to talk out. he just has to cope with it. he’s treated lou like his therapist thus far and that’s not okay

i love ur story and omg i totally get where lou is coming from with being tired of being compared to molly by santi, thatd hurt so much esp with how much she cares about him

thank youuu ;-; i’m glad you understand, this was a part i’d wanted to get out for a loooong time now, and i know you guys were always like “um why does she put up with this” lmao. she just loves him, that’s why. but you’re right, it does hurt.

My theory is very similar to the other anons in that Fiona's dad/Lou's ex had a mental illness (schizophrenia, depression, what have you) but he actually did kill himself and that's why she's not completely losing it on Santi because I feel like most people in that situation would have not handled it as well as Lou did

🤔 you’re right about the last part, and there’s a reason she has so much patience, das all i’m sayin

i started your story from the beginning last night and i am in awe. Its amazing. It inspired me to put a little more effort in learning to edit and write. It was like reading screen caps from a movie! I didn't want to stop reading. Anyway thing was a super sappy ask, but i appreciate your stuff. And i'm bad at putting my thoughts into words.

omg ;__________; when people tell me i inspired them it means the most to me, my brain just can’t process it lmao. so thank you so so much ;-; <333 THE MOVIE THING ESPECIALLY GOT ME IN THE HEART because i feel like that’s my aesthetic with most things i create because i’m such a film person lol. don’t worry i love super sappy, and you did a good job of wording everything because it got me right in the feels <33

Okay I've been snickering for about 43 minutes bc SANTI GOT THAT GRU CHINNN

WOT is that i googled it and the only thing that came up was the dad from despicable me lmfaosdkjfs but ok

Please, please do punk edits of your some of your characters! I'd die.

WHAT DOES THIS MEANNN do you mean like. those 2010 tumblr edits of punk disney characters and then the joker from suicide squad looked like one of them. do u want santi to be the joker. because my boyfriend already relates him to suicide squad joker because of his face tatt lmao

You love to make me cry

i do i’m sorry. if it makes you feel any better i love to make myself cry too. but my biceps grow stronger with every tear

I reeeally dont think those chancla comments were offensive??? Why would they be?? I'm hispanic (born and raised in the sunny Dominican Republic, received a fair amount of chancletazos myself) and I laughed out loud when i read them 😂😂

I JUST WANT U TO KNOW I SHOWED @ichosim THIS MESSAGE AND SHE LAUGHED FOR 12 HOURS AT “CHANCLETAZOS”

whATT my little brothers name is santiago n we call him santi for short!! guess it's not rly that uncommon but we live in a small country and he's also 4 so like,, no other santiagos!! idk why im saying this its completely irrelevant just kinda surprised me :'))

OMG wow hell yeah another real life santi...santi acts like a 4 yr old so he might as well be your brother

Just curious.. Do you play sims or just use it for storytelling? Sorry if thats weird haha

well my recent gameplay pics should answer your question lmao. i do like to play but i don’t have enough time to both play and pose scenes so i mostly just pose scenes for now. :[ i am gonna be off work for like two weeks tho so hell yeah gameplay here i come!!

I'm starting a Fiona appreciation movement because she is the real star of santis story RT and i love her and she is way underappreciated and I love her KThxBi

SHE IS THE REAL STAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i’ve said this before but santi’s relationship with her is the most important to me, out of every relationship he has in this story. i’m so glad you love her so much, sorry about what’s about to come in the next few scenes tho

Oh my heart, Santi is alive, god exist

I have a pretty hard time understanding Santi's story mostly because I'm not English but I'm sure I'll figure it out:)

ahh oh no D: i’m sorry i wish i spoke every language in the world lmao. if you want, you can message me off anon and i’ll help you understand it!!

Lou is an angel honestly

“there are worse things than seeing an angel before you die”

what tablet do you use? or how do you draw hair? it looks so pretty.

omg haha i don’t have one! i wish i did tho. all of the brushes i got from deviantart, i’m trying to find the specific ones but they’re all elusive wtf. i’ll post them when i find them! for now, here’s a good guide to drawing hair, by airi <3

Nah nah I always knew you'd save him.....eheheeh.....THANK YOU FOR NOT KILLING BABBY SANTEEEEEEEEE DNDDNSKANW YOU WOULD HAVE HAD SO MUCH BLOOD ON UR HANDS AS ALL UR FOLLOWERS COLLECTIVELY DIE FROM A BROKEN HEART BUT DW WE DIDNT BECAUSE UR QN ANGEL....but I toooootally knew you'd save him... /sweats/

I’M GLAD U HAD FAITH <3 i know omfg i would’ve expected a mob at my house if i’d actually killed him. if i ever killed him i would just lay down somewhere and die. that’s it for me

Lou & molly almost always have teeth showing, do you draw them on each pic?x

no, only sometimes i’ve drawn them when i felt like their mouths weren’t matching the expression i wanted. but most of the time it’s just the pose.

is it too late to send 16k dollars to guarantee santi's inclusion in a loving home with loving friends

it is absolutely never too late to send me 16k i promise you that

I just bought school books for $550 who knew studying marine biology could be so fuckING EXPENSIVE

EWW WTF...i’ve been lucky and haven’t had to spend a ton on books in my college career (one time i even went to such lengths that i got access to free trial version of one of my school books in a pdf, screencapped EVERY SINGLE PAGE, which was more than 400 pages, just so i wouldn’t have to spend $70 on it. i love cheating the system)

waIT i never saw ur selfie where is it, must see

u could probably just search “selfie” on my blog and find it, or enjoy the ugly closeup drunk snap i posted last night

Hey guys I'm a happy trans man that has no mental illnesses. I'm fucking pissed about Trump's ban. And to any one that says it's logical FUCK YOU! I'm having flashbacks to don't ask, don't tell because this is the same fucking wacked up logic. I'm so angry, like I'm a human, yes I may require testosterone shots once a month but that's it, I even administer them to myself. I pay for them with my own god damn money so fuck you transphobic bigots who say this law is fair. It's not. WE ARE HUMAN TOO Also same anon that ranted. Sorry about that I'm just really pissed and I love and thank you for sticking up for the community. We love you and I love you. And you're right not all trans people transition. We all do what we want to. Some start on T or E and have the full surgery. Some just have top surgery. Some just do testosterone or estrogen. Some never do anything. We're all still trans and we're all valid.

YES ALL OF THIS, sorry i didn’t answer this when it was all happening. but askdkjfas thank you for this message, I LOVE YOU TOO, SO MUCH <333 and i’m glad you feel comfortable enough to voice this in my inbox. yes every trans person is valid no matter what they decide to do with their bodies <3

One of those old hot topic shirts that said " if Darryl dies we riot " but with santi instead of Darryl.

OMG LMAOOOOO NOW THAT’S A CONCEPT who’s making these i want one

your use of references and reaction pics and gifs fucken KILLS ME

Crystal anon here. I googled around my area to find there are none of those y'know, crystal, candle, incense, magic type shops. I have panic attacks when I go outside and I wanted to look into alternative stuff since I'm on meds and w/e. I wanted to know if you or friends had any experience or recommendations for buying crystals online like on etsy or amazon. How can you tell if they're real?x

ooooh ok. usually there are shops like those in cities or even in towns with like kitschy little promenades with independent shops. (i know there’s one around the town over from mine, which is so random lmao) i do have friends that have crystals but i think they mostly just collect them for the ~good vibez~ and don’t really look too far into the healing aspects of them. i would say first go with the one that coincides with your birth because those are the ones that are like specifically catered to you and strengthen your being. as for buying online, hmmmmm i mean i don’t really know any specific trustworthy sellers because i don’t have much experience with this, but definitely read the reviews! those will help you a lot <3

Hello could you please tell us how you edited the pic of rooney in that one post that the anon asked for the unedited version?

i honestly didn’t do much of anything that differs from my usual editing process! i made her eyes a bit bigger by using the clone tool, cloning the top of her eye and applying it a little bit farther up...if that makes sense. it’s hard to explain how to use that tool lmao. and i think i used the liquify tool to bring part of her eyebrow down to look more worried.

there's still a part of me that says she ain't dead and molly is just in a coma lmao end mE

OMFLDKGKJS yeah she’s not dead surprise. i WILL say there is still flashback stuff that will be revealed. well not “revealed” like molly’s death was revealed, like i just still have to showcase some things that happened afterward. because it doesn’t just end with molly’s death, there’s stuff after that as well :~}

I'm Mexican, have lived around Mexicans, have been to Mexico multiple times growing up, just came back from a family trip at practically the border between Mexico and Guatemala and never in my life have I ever heard the word "joder" i had to look it up xD (not hating or anything I just thought I'd mention it cuz I found it funny...lol) k bye...

OK NOT SURE IF the ppl you’ve been around just don’t curse or whatever but...joder is DEFINITELY something i’ve heard mexican people say before lmao

Okay so this is random, but i was telling my sister the name of one your characters in ur story (santi) and she kinda just starts singing his name, and she said "santi high, santi low, santi go." And im just sitting there, like woah.

LMFAO WHATKNJDSKJGD “woah” same

u gonna incorporate fis hat into a really like emotional sad thing in her story huh

oMG i wasn’t planning on it but hmm 🤔

Why no el chingo? NO ME GUSTA (I'm joking btw ily)

LMFAOOOO because i didn’t wanna have to defile my son by downloading the penis mod RIP

let santi grow out dem eyebrows 2kforever

omg he does let them grow out except for the little line he shaved in when he was 14 that never grew back RIP

in ur bio it says "kt" and i know why,, it means killing them as in killing off ur characters slowly i see u gurl

i bet this story was just an excuse for you to see the world burn. well done.

OMG i mean, that was definitely one of the side effects of it all. but really it was just that i NEEDED to get this story out after it had lived in my brain for so long.

ur dead 2 me

I... just.... can't... too much pain Y U DO DIS 2 UZ?!?!!!