#for 20 dollars that potato should give you all the answers to life

[bagels-aaa]

My father is a strange being. So a couple weeks ago he sent me to keyfood because he wanted to make curry when he got home. I was given a fairly big bag and so i expected to go in and get a bunch of stuff.

He then told me to buy a singular potato.

Just one potato, nothing else

A bag full of potatoes cost like no more than 5 dollars, probably a lot less, so i just went to get like a 10 so i could get this man his one potato

And he gave me a 20 "incase 10 was not enough"

I get inflation is a thing but TWENTY DOLLARS for a SINGULAR POTATO???

I walked up to the cashier looking terrified with a 20 dollar bill to buy one potato, you could see pure confusion on her face.

We also had potatoes at home so this was completely unnecessary.

[togachipblog]

Red Dot Chips

I attended Charles H. Brewer Junior High School in Clark, NJ.   Two of my junior high school teachers hired my dad, who was a CPA, to prepare their tax returns.  One day in school, Mr. Dulk, my science teacher, reprimanded me, probably for blurting out a joke, and I said "There will be no refund for you this year!"  

My Dad's other junior high school teacher client was my math teacher, Otto Picard.  Math was always one of my favorite subjects and Mr. Picard was a very engaging teacher.  He employed an unusual scoring system.  If you did anything beyond what was generally expected, such as extra credit work, you were rewarded with one or more dots.  On the other hand, if you failed to deliver on what was expected or were disruptive, you received one or more asterisks.   He left such an impression that one of my former classmates, Rick Clinton, named his company Dot, and this was before the public access to the internet and the

dot.com

revolution.  

Red Dot was one of the major potato chip companies that had very humble beginnings.  In 1931, Fred J. Meyer was a student at the University of Wisconsin and married.  To help support himself, he answered an ad as a salesperson for Karn Parchies. The second customer he called upon made potato chips and explained that his distributor wasn't doing well and suggested that Red take over his business.  Fred added a line of cookies and sold both the chips and cookies between classes and on weekends.  At graduation, the head of the University of Wisconsin chemistry department offered Fred a job as an instructor for less than what Fred was earning from his distributor route.  He felt that if he devoted himself to his route, the earnings potential was greater than the instructor job.  After his supplier's factory was destroyed by fire, Meyer purchased a small chip making machine out of someone's attic.  

Fred faced some major challenges.  He severely burned himself retrieving a wrench that had fallen into a vat of hot oil and his truck was becoming too small.  A peanut firm offered to paint the truck for free.  Fred's wife Kathryn did the books and demonstrated their products at grocery stores and food shows.  

Fred J. Meyer Co. added cheese products and hired another salesman, but was short of the necessary capital he needed.  His father loaned him $1,000 for two new trucks. and the company relocated.  In 1938, the same year as H.W. Lay & Company was founded in Atlanta, GA, Fred and three others formed Red Dot Foods Inc. and purchased a continuous potato chip making machine from Ferry.  The firm moved again.  In 1943, Fred bought out his other three partners and integrated his Fred J. Meyer Co. into Red Dot Foods.  During World War II, cooking oil was limited to forty percent of pre-war limits and both tires and gasoline were rationed.  

The company built a plant in St. Paul MN (later relocated to Minneapolis) and another one in 1946 in Indianapolis, IN.  By this time, it had 100 trucks operating out of ten branches.  The firm owned 3,000 acres of potato farms and started a program in partnership with the US Department of Agriculture to better breed potatoes.  The greenhouse had capacity for 16,500 varieties of potatoes.  

Red Dot acquired several other Midwestern companies.   At one point it became the largest potato chip manufacturer.  It added nuts and Scottish cookies.  It introduced corrugated "Chip Dips."

Meyer was elected President of the potato chip trade association in 1949 and appointed to the Potato Advisory Board of the US Department of Agriculture.  By 1956, the company had 176 sales routed and 22 large delivery vans, close to 1,000 employees, controlled 18,000 acres of potato farms and distributed product in 13 states.  Sales exceeded ten million dollars.  During the 1950's the company continued its acquisitions and also expanded to Alaska and Europe.  Sales in 1960 exceeded $20 million.  

The public was invited to tour the factories on the 25th anniversary of the company in 1956 (based on when Fred started in the business as opposed to when Red Dot was organized).  Among the highlights were a ventilating duct , which forced warm air through the potatoes to convert the sugar that forms in cold and dormant potatoes to starch for frying.  The potatoes then went through an automatic washer and a buffer that removed most of the skins.  Inspectors then removed non-standard potatoes before they headed to an automatic slicing machine.  After some of the white frothy starch is washed away, the slices are fried at 400 degrees in corn oil, and salt is added.  The fried chips are then spilled into an automatic collecting machine from which they are weighed, then packaged with the bag tops automatically sealed.

Red Dot employed a clown, Ta-To, as its mascot.  He sat on a piano and sang:

Ho-ho-ho

The folks all laugh when I'm around

'Cause I'm the Red Dot potato chip clown,

Ir's potato chip time . . . the folks all tease,

Give us Red Dot . . . Red Dot potato chips please

They're crispy . . . dry . . . tasty, and on sale EVERY WHERE!H-ho-ho . . .

In 1961, Red Dot was merged into H.W. Lay & Company. According to Dirk Burhans in his book

Crunch

, the sale had a tragic consequence.

Within days of Lay's purchase of the company in May 1961, Red Dot founder Frederick J. Meyer committed suicide.  According to Leslie Bellais, curator of costume and textiles at the Wisconsin Historical Society, Meyer believed that the sale was best for the company, but apparently became despondent upon realizing that he had sold away his life's work (Bellasis interview, May 21, 2004).  Red Dot bags made after the sale and after the 1961 Frito=Lay merger had "FRITO-LAY, INC." printed on the back.  The chip continued to be sold as Red Dot until FritoLay sold the company to H.H. Evon of Little Rock, Arkansas, in 1970.  Evon closed the Madison factory and discontinued the brand in 1973.  Bellais says that there was a perception at the time that Red Dot lost touch with the Madison community after Meyer sold the company.

  You can read all about Red Dot's history thanks to an online exhibit of the Wisconsin History Society.  Please note that there are four pages and you should use the arrows to navigate to all of them.

http://www.wisconsinhistory.org/museum/exhibits/chip/index.asp http://www.wisconsinhistory.org/Content.aspx?dsNav=Ny:True,Ro:0,N:4294963828-4294963805&dsNavOnly=Ntk:All%7cred+dot%7c3%7c,Ny:True,Ro:0&dsRecordDetails=R:CS2611 http://eatwisconsinpotatoes.com/meet-the-two-founders-of-wisconsins-red-dot-foods-inc/ http://www.surroundedbyreality.com/Businesses/Food/RedDot/RedDot.asp

Enjoy the Red Dot Photo Gallery Below:

August 30, 1945 photo of Red Dot Foods Inc. potato chip display, with Red Dot clown posters in window at Wisconsin State Journal office, 115 South Carroll Street.

September 30, 1947 ohoto of Red Dot Foods Inc., delivery truck outside a Red Dot Foods truck garage, 1441 East Washington Avenue. Background includes portions of Ohio Chemical Company, 1400 East Washington Avenue, and Dairy Equipment Company, 1444 East Washington Avenue.

March 19, 1945 photo of two men painting a Red Dot Potato Chips mural / billboard on the side of a building.

1939 photo of women workers bag and process potato chips for shipping at the Red Dot Potato Chip plant.

1939 photo of a group portrait of female workers at the Red Dot Potato Chip Company. Fourth from the left in the top row is Vivian Harrison Matheson, identified by Ellis Mason

1939 photo of exterior view of Red Dot Foods Inc. potato chip plant at 1435 East Washington Avenue.

1939 photo of 1 woman operating the bagging machine at the Red Dot potato chip factory.

1939 photo of man working with machinery at the Red Dot Potato Chip plant.

September 10, 1945 photo of elevated view of a Findorff truck and earthmover and Madison Sand and Gravel truck standing ready to excavate for an addition to the Red Dot Foods, Incorporated, potato chip factory, 1441 East Washington Avenue.

Photo of Red Dot Foods Inc., potato chip plant, 1441 East Washington Avenue.

Workers doing road work near the Red Dot factory, in the background, on East Washington Avenue.

February 23, 1955 photo of q father and two children at the Kroger grocery store check out counter purchase Dean's milk, Red Dot potato chips, Kroger pancake mix, macaroni, and bread.

February 14, 1956 photo of Ed Schumann, owner of Ed Schumann and Associates, and Frank Pellitteri, the production manager at the business, set up an advertising shot for Red Dot Potato Chips.

February 6, 1952 photo of two store employees of a Kroger store stand by an Old Dutch cleanser promotion for gladiolus bulbs in a store in Lancaster. Other merchandise displays including Red Dot Potato chips, flank the special promotion.

Special thanks to the Madison, WI Public Library and the Wisconsin State Historical Society Library for their assistance in researching Red Dot.  

Enjoy Simon and Garfunkel singing "Red Rubber Ball."

The Toga Chip Guy

[hotchupacabrasinmyarea]

GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER.

can be used for RP  &&  non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen

1. FIRST NAME  : cline 

2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF  : i can’t drink tea. it’s not that i dislike it, there’s some tea flavors that are really good! but tea...drinking it, being around it for too long (as in i can’t go into a fucking teavanna for v long)...it makes my head fuzzy and i start feeling dizzy so i have to sit down. it seems apple cider has a similar effect, but it’s worse when it’s hot. and it’s definitely not the caffeine bc i subsist on caffeine. but like i don’t know if “fresh air” helps bc my best friend dragged me to teavanna at a mall and even when i left the store and sat down on a bench it took me a WHILE to even begin feeling better. don’t know what it is! 

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON  : i...hm. i don’t really know what i find attractive in real people? because it’s pretty all over the place. fictional characters is like... glasses, long hair, and women who can kill me

4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF  : i am a highly picky eater so i don’t know i actually have smth that fits this, but probably potatoes...and i have an issue where my body doesn’t like eating things after having them for a while so!! 

5. A FOOD YOU HATE  : cabbage. mushrooms. bacon. tomatoes. don’t like most steaks, either. 

6. GUILTY PLEASURE  :  i feel guilty for every pleasurable thing i do so joke’s on you but i sure love collecting pins and my father gives me shit for it!!!

7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN  :  ask my partner and they will tell you--i hate shirts. so honestly? my underwear LMAO. otherwise comfy shirts and softe pants. 

8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS  : ooc--serious relationships. ic--depends on the muse. date here is “what he thinks are flings but turn into serious relationships” honestly. 

9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE  ,  WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE  : hahahaha boi this is a question you should Never ask me. if it was something that i could Change No Matter What? then that’d be my mom dying. if it’s smth that’s dependent upon my own power then i would’ve just...idk. ig talked to her abt some stuff that i need answers to and also say goodbye properly. 

10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON  :  very!!! esp when i’ve had alcohol then i tell my friends how much i love them repeatedly 

11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN  :  barbie princess and the pauper barbie princess and the pauper barbie princess and the pau

12. FAVORITE BOOK  :  oh damn. i haven’t like, actually read a book in so long. i would probably say....dealing with dragons tho, the first book in the enchanted forest chronicles. 

13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE  : i just want a cat. and a dog. i want a POM. i know this is supposed to probs be like for exotic pets but even in a world where i can acquire one--not happening. 

14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS   (  IF YOU ARE AN RP BLOG  ,  YOU CAN USE YOUR OWN SHIPS AS WELL  )  : okay umm...hm. top ships rn on date are just date/yomiel, date/kite, date/anna--they’re ALL GOOD. but ough otherwise? sunshine cupcake, fluri, wrightworth, science richass, and juleezen the moon is beautiful tonight. what are half of those ships you ask? it is a mystery ;)

15. PIE OR CAKE  : hmm...i think i like more cakes than i like pies ngl

16. FAVORITE SCENT  :  pink. just. just pink. i went to bath and body works and bought p much every pink soap i could find. 

17. CELEBRITY CRUSH  :  lynda carter probably 

18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO  : hmm...i would like to go to japan. but only if my partner is with me. 

19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT  :  introverted as HELL. i go thru long periods of no human interaction and i build up my energy and then expend it all at once and then i have to go home and die. 

20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY  : nnnnot really when it comes to horror. but irl? i hear a strange noise late at night or if i’m alone? a man raises his voice? i’m in fuckin fight or flight mode baybee

21. IPHONE OR ANDROID  : android bc it’s. the only type of phone i’ve had gksehgh

22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES  : yea. like so many. (gestures @ aitsf??) i like visual novels, jrpgs, and calm shit like animal crossing & story of seasons. literally like. all my current muses (and strongest in reserve muses) are from viddy games. also if i don’t answer ur messages assume i’m either playing pocket camp or sleeping. 

23. DREAM JOB  : 50s housewife. which...is very similar to what sanchan mun said HM. i would love to be an author deadass. and childhood me yells “ballerina” in my ear. but i haven’t done ballet since preschool rip...

24. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS  :  i would...buy myself and my partner a cute lil house. and some pets. and save for our singular child. and also pay for our wedding. and donate to all my friends who need it...

25. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE  : matoba seiji? it’s on fucking sight. 

26. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER  : on god? i feel like quite a few. but there’s one in particular that’s a very cursed...VERY CURSED series and i don’t want to admit to it. 

TAGGED BY  :  sandalphon! 

TAGGING  : Y O U 

[monday--vibes]

Forcefully Optimistic: Spider-Man’s Exit From the MCU… Might Not Be Completely Terrible?

I’m not a big lover of Disney as a corporation, but there’s no denying that they’ve done some pretty amazing things with the MCU. So when the news first broke about this little lover’s spat between Sony and Disney over everyone’s web-slinging spider-child, I was (appropriately) devastated.

Then, because I both have no life and have a great love of knowing things, I started digging, sorting out the facts and the speculation and then taking a good, long look at what this means for Peter Parker and the Spider-Man franchise.

And I realize… maybe—just maybe—this isn’t completely horrible.

Let’s break it down.

The Facts:

As is the case with anything that changes and develops super-fast, there’s a lot of uncertainty and incorrect information floating around, but here are the facts that everyone can seem at agree on.

Tom Holland is still under contract to appear as Peter Parker/Spidey in a third Spider-Man movie; Jon Watts is being considered as the director for this third movie but, as his contract wrapped up with Far From Home, this isn’t a sure thing.

Under the current contract, Sony has the distribution rights of and creative control over Spider-Man and Spider-Man related characters; Disney, meanwhile, receives 5% of first-dollar gross (meaning that Disney would get 5% of ticket sales, no matter if Sony made a profit or not) and the right to include Spidey in the MCU. Disney already owns all the merchandizing rights for the character.

Disney also suggested that it get involved in other Spidey-related movies, including the Venom sequel. (For a price, of course.)

Under the contract initially proposed by Disney, the two companies would co-finance future Spider-Man movies, essentially splitting both costs and box office revenue 50/50. Therefore, while Sony would have to pay less to produce future films, the company would take a huge cut to their profits and would loose a considerable amount of control over Spider-Man and the related characters.

There are rumours that Disney has come back to play, offering a six picture deal wherein Disney would co-finance all Spider-Man related films, splitting costs and box office revenue either 30/70 or 25/75 split in Sony’s favour. Right now, neither company has confirmed this.

Sources:

https://www.businessinsider.com/sonys-spider-man-deal-with-disney-and-marvel-studios-explained-2019-8

https://www.vox.com/culture/2019/8/20/20825631/spider-man-marvel-sony-dispute-mcu-deal-film-rights

https://deadline.com/2019/08/kevin-feige-spider-man-franchise-exit-disney-sony-dispute-avengers-endgame-captain-america-winter-soldier-tom-rothman-bob-iger-1202672545/

https://boundingintocomics.com/2019/08/23/rumor-marvel-and-disney-offer-new-deal-to-sony-to-keep-spider-man-in-mcu/

The Speculation:

In Endgame, we saw the metaphorical baton being passed on to the next generation of superheroes as Black Panther, Captain Marvel, and—yup—Spider-Man played the most high-stakes game of Hot Potato ever while trying desperately to get the Infinity Stones to the Quantum Tunnel. This cemented Peter as one of Marvel’s new Big Three, meant to replace Iron Man, Captain America, and Thor.

It also, when combined with the current contract between Sony and Disney and the commercial success of Homecoming, Far From Home, and just about every other Marvel movie ever, undoubtedly resulted in Sony laughing all the way to the bank.

After all, it was their intellectual property that Disney just set up as a cornerstone for future Marvel movies.

However, Sony is also in the rather precarious position where its most valuable franchise, by far, is Spider-Man. Far From Home racked in twice as much money on its opening weekend than Sony’s second most successful film of 2019, Once Upon a Time in Hollywood. The latest installment of Men In Black, which was made by Sony-owned Columbia Pictures, has yet to break even at the theatres (and, at this rate, it probably won’t).

Source: https://www.boxofficemojo.com/studio/chart/?view2=release&view=parent&studio=sony.htm

Plus, Sony’s had a pretty spotty history with Spider-Man movies—the Raimi trilogy saw a steady decrease of gross revenue across all three films, and The Amazing Spider-Man, directed by Marc Webb, were… not received kindly. Let’s leave it at that.

Venom, for all that it was a box office success that racked in more than US$ 850 million over the course of its run, was pretty much summed up as ‘meh’ by critics, making the success of its sequel not the shoe-in that Sony would surely like. The only Spider-Man movie that’s been an absolute critical success was Into the Spider-Verse.

And, even though Sony has a whole slew of Spider-Man related movies announced, including Morbius and a Venom sequel, they’re still missing their star character—the web slinger himself.

There’s no way that Disney isn’t aware of this, of course, and considering how successful they’ve made the Marvel brand, plus and their ability to churn out (mostly) decent superhero movies year after year, it’s clear that they have an edge over Sony on that front.

However, if Into the Spider-Verse’s critical success and Venom’s financial success are any indication, it’s also clear that Sony’s been paying attention and taking notes—at least as far as superhero films are concerned. This contract breakdown could be the perfect(?) opportunity for Sony to bring Holland’s Spider-Man under their own brand, using Marvel’s successful adaptation of Peter Parker to help bolster their own Spidey Cinematic Universe.

The “Why It Might Not Be Completely Horrible”:

Whew. That was long. Okay… Let’s keep going.

Right now, we’re in this really not-good point in time where companies are merging and consolidating faster than ever. In some ways this is good, because we get standardized service across different brands and we get the possibility of an X-Men/Avengers crossover.

In other, bigger ways, though, it’s… very much not-good.

1. Oligopolies are bad for creativity.

Oligopolies are the business version of oligarchies, where a small group of people (corporations) hold all the power. Sound familiar?

Right now, Disney owns the rights to all the Marvel characters (except Spider-Man), which according to the Marvel Database Wikia, is more than 60,000 characters. The only other big player out there for superhero movies is, of course, Warner Brothers, which owns the DCEU. You can’t get much more of an oligopoly than that.

Adding one more player to the mix—Sony—doesn’t help this problem much, but it does help to distribute the characters out, giving movie goers more ways to vote with their dollars if a major company makes something that they don’t like.

Big corporations only really care about one thing: lots and lots of dollar signs. When consumers don’t have a choice where they get their consumables from, those corporations know that they’ll make money no matter what, and so they have no reason to innovate and no reason to push their creativity.

And, they don’t have any reason to listen to consumer wants or needs, either.

The result? Complacent corporations, consumers who are ignored, and a stagnant movie culture.

2. Marvel is bowing under its own weight.

With 23 movies, five discontinued series on Netflix, plus at least seven more Marvel series set to stream on Disney+, the MCU is easily one of the biggest movie franchises out there. And that doesn’t even count all the preludes, novelizations, and other add-ons.

My point is, the MCU is really, really big, and all of this bloat is starting to show.

The most recent example of this is in Far From Home, when Fury brings Peter to the underground layer and we first meet Mysterio. When Peter asks why Dr. Strange, Thor, or Captain Marvel aren’t involved in handling the Elemental threat, Fury flippantly tosses out a series of vague excuses.

And we only cover three characters, too. If Strange isn’t available, but we’re still dealing with a guy who—it seems, at least—is wielding magic, why can’t Wong step in to help? Or at least consult? Why not call in Scarlet Witch?

We see this in Endgame, too, in the final fight scene. While it’s a great scene, I’ve heard a lot of people question why Carol Danvers even needed help getting the Infinity Stones to the Quantum Tunnel, or why she couldn’t be the one to snap her fingers. After all, she took the full force of a single Stone when she was fully human and ended up fine, so why wouldn’t she be able to withstand (or withstand better than very-human Tony) the radiation let off why the Snap?

Sure, this sounds like nitpicking, but it’s a problem that’s going to have to be addressed over and over again as we see more MCU films. Why is this character facing this conflict? Why can’t another, better suited character handle the problem instead?

As writers, we should always be asking why we’re putting a certain character in a certain situation—it’s one of the ways to ensure that our plot is an effective one. However, if the answer is “because if I put another character in their place, the plot would be resolved too quickly”… perhaps the conflict or the character choice needs to be revisited.

3. Peter’s never been allowed to stand on his own two feet.

This new, younger, less mature Peter is an absolute delight on screen, and Holland does a fantastic job bringing him to life. In particular, this worked really well for Homecoming. As the first movie that really focuses on how the ‘regular’ world is affected by the Avengers, it’s interesting to see how this happy-go-lucky teenager sees a world that is, once we really get to explore it, surprisingly different from the real world we live in.

However, the MCU has since spent most of its time exploring what makes Peter special, as opposed to what makes him so relatable—one of the very things that made him such a popular character to begin with.

With Thanos’, the Vulture’s, and Mysterio’s motivations being completely unrelated to Spider-Man’s own motivations in the movies, he doesn’t ever have to question his own motivations, opinions, attitudes, or beliefs, meaning that he doesn’t have to grow.

And when the conflict of the movie does catch up with him, he doesn’t have to think his way out of things in the same way that his comic book counterpart or previous movie iterations have always had to do—someone else will always show up. In Homecoming, it was Iron Man; in Endgame, it was Danvers; and in Far From Home, it was Happy.

And, because these MCU Spider-Man movies all always working within the confines of a larger universe, they have to always spend time setting up conflict for other characters and other movies. This takes away valuable screen time that could otherwise be spent deepening his relationship with other characters, allowing him to explore his own thoughts and feelings, or establishing his character growth.

Taking Spidey out of the MCU will let us go back to basics with his character, so to speak. By necessity, Happy, Danvers, Fury, and the Skrulls won’t be in future movies. If something goes wrong, then, Peter will have to use his own grit and intelligence and resourcefulness to get himself out of his messes, grounding the stories of possible future movies in a sense of realism that’s sense escaped the MCU (for better or worse) and better allowing him to learn and grow from his mistakes.

4. It pairs Peter up with his greatest nemeses/anti-heroes again.  

As great as it was to see Spider-Man team up with Avengers, the most obvious down-side, I don’t think, as missed by anyone: if Spidey’s hanging out with another corporation’s IP, then he’s not allowed to hang around with many of the 900 plus characters developed in his own world.

With Venom being as successful as it was, having Spider-Man under Sony’s banner means that the Venom versus Spider-Man rematch we’ve all been waiting for is all the more likely. We could see the Black Cat cinematic appearance that was teased in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, but was never explored. We could see Peter interact with Sable or Kraven the Hunter, both of which have movies in Sony’s line-up. The possibilities are nigh endless.

…

…

…

Or, of course, this could all go down in a giant dumpster fire. But let’s not think about that too much, eh?

[quackspot]

ok ok ok o k so its like 4:33 am y’know so that means i talk about fire spirit because thats normal and i totally didnt mean to sleep around 3 o-o 

but liek uh h h lemme think a bit ok so

from the start before he was a spirit (its in my beliefs that he traded his past life for that sexy little bead) he wanted to be STRONG and powerful so fire spirit skidaddled over to the red dragon and BOOM it woketh or maybe he was already a fiery cookie and he burnded the red dragons nose hairs who knows! maybe he just likes to visit every few years and thats why he was expecting a bigger welcome back party 

so like hes growing weaker right? yeah hes kinda alternating between “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I NEED POWER” and “AAAAAAAAAAAAA I HAVE POWER AHAHAHAHA” and he doesnt like that he’d much rather just be him or more powerful because fuckin YEHA POWER 

so this story ends two ways. fire spirit trying to get his powers back and failing (dustyass lord of ass who looks pretty nice frankly i like the colors a lot to be honest but thats just becuase devsis is making me emosexual. it started with crescent moonlight then fire spirit idk about night raven for sure but oh well)

OR 

dark enchantress. hes like “hurr dburr doesnt corruption make you stronger in a way” and ends up getting “corrupted” but instead since hes already so chaotic neutral he only gets stronger (i stole this from another post i probably reblogged) like the person i rb’d mentioned the horn thing that tommy who is big love de mentioned to because tommy loves dark enchantress and thats about all i know about tommy they also love wasabi and its understandable

im not gonna rant and talk about my internet life so ANYWYAS

fire spirit keeps the same runes yeah? so . yeehaw? idk what to make of that i just thought it was interesting how theyre basically all the same. 

frankly dustyass edgelord is my favorite of the two costumes and im glad i had 15,280 guild coins saved up but now im too broke for the jelly set o-o 

do we even get any fire spirit lore or are we watching him almost die in the event 

oh well i guess BUT fire spirit is really prtty in all his forms the least favorite of mine is god of flame but i still love it of course but really could be better. like. yeah thats a lot of fire and i cant handle the heat and its pretty but its bright and im kinda edgy o-o 

so that explains my preference plus im broke on the internet money i have 20 dollars irl might ask my grandma if she can help me buy fire spirit costume 

almost crying every time i see edgy ass his wings have a little capelike thing and its kinda holey and its beautiful and edgy i should edit him with vampire and he also looks sorta confident

so like hes kinda serious in lord of ash BUT hes also still somewhat him y’know? yeah you do

oh my god i just ghouth of big funny

so picture youre dark enchantress, right? off to go corrupt another legendary! BUT 

you cast ur diddly dark magic and....

FIRE SPIRIT LOOKS MORE PURIFIED THAN ANYTHIGN... chaotic good lord of flames  . 

fire spirit is pretty much chaotic neutral all around besides in lord of flames nothing can stop him o-o fdkljsuadiSKJIOFKLSKL JKLFS JKLFJKL SJKLFFJKLSKJL 

OK SO I HAVE COOKIE RUN OPEN RIGHT I KNOW THIS ISN T THE RIGHT TIME BUT HE LEGIT WAS LIKE “finders, keepers! ahaha!”  I LOVE HIM 

god im excited for tomorrow im getting a haircut and i MIGHT ask for the costume if i feel confident enough though i could get rejected.. . .. . 

dont fool around just chill out you might get REJECTED. .. . . .. . . 

OK BACK TO HTE FOCUS HOW THIS TIES IN WITH FIRE SPIRITS OVERALL STORY SO 

ok bear with me 

fire spirit wants to be powerful, of course. from the start. as not fire spirit yet maybe sweet potato but who knows besides himself and maybe devsis idk, he becomes fire spirit! trading off whatever the bored dragon wanted so fire could get stronger. 

also proof of fire spirit being a powerlover is very much in his relationships . knight and wind ! sea fairy’s is about his hair which is “fire” magic i suppose what kind of hair conditioner does he use

ANYWAYS

over time his flames are starting to go wild becuase of all this CORRUPTION in the cookie kingdom and around and its making his magic funky becuase thats just a random thought i just had like what if corruption messed with magic? imagine that. so hes alternating between too weak and too strong and he doesnt understand so he heads to dragons valley all like “heyo whats the answer” but nobodys there

i havent finished the event but hes basically just looting every dragon he’s ever known like what they left behind? his now 

maybe the dragons will come back home.... .. . . pl eas....... i miss them

anywhoodle 

the thing about two possible ends of fire spirit 

the first end is dark enchantress finding him then boom ur corruption only makes him chaotic good instead of chaotic evil 

(chaotic tends to not follow or give regards to law. chaotic good breaks the law for people, neutrals just do whatever they want for themselves, and chaotic evil goes out of their way to hurt others)

so like 

dark enchantress doesnt know how to take this, right? her magic failed her for once. fire spirit is going batshit crazy becuase hes like “WOAHAHAHAHAH HAHHAHH H H HH H H IM STILL SUPER STRONG :OOOO” and then he goes even MORE batshit crazy and maybe burns down a town or something becuase hes going wild from the power but then he calms down 

he’d probably be willing to do things for dark enchantress if it were a deal or something but lord of flames might not go all the way out to kill tree like what the fuck

ALSO

LORD OF ASHES is probably NOT AS WARM AS FIRE SPIRIT who is already somewhat huggable if ur not fuckin uhh water or ice or if u dont like being a little warm ANYWAYS LORD OF ASHES is HUGGABLE becuase being weak makes him cool down and so you can hug the edgelord (which i would totally do if he were real and not a cookie) 

i like to repeat myself a lot but its almost 5 am anywaysy uhhh im going to talk about his personality 

so hes like really energetic of course and very chaotic neutral he just do what he wana do hes like “finders keepers!” and he probably enjoys showing off his power to other cookies. praise makes him more happy than others and he has a very high ego that can only be doused by less power. the more powerful he is, the more egotistical he is. lord of flames is a fucking pain to be around if you dont wanna listen to him brag about accomplishments and thats the only reason he doesnt work for de 

lord of ashes is a downer and kinda sad but he still has a little bit of fire spirit in him hes basically just “you gotta die sometime” but hes not gonna die becuasei  wont allow it hes only allowed to die in a completely comedic way like he tries to hug wind and hten actual wind blows and he gets thanos snapped by the air and wind is like “OH FUCK OH SHIT” and all that’s left as a relic is his gem and wind archer tries to fix it and fails though who knows maybe hes night raven because in hte game night raven came before lord of ashes so???!? !?!? !? ?!? 

night raven walks up to lord of ashes “bitch im going to fucking kill you” then blows lightly and fires just like “oh noooo aww shit here we goooooooooooo again” and hes just a gem now 

maybe fire spirit causes the next mass extinction as lord of flames because hes like “DSKLJFS KLJ*(UJIORWKSFOR IEKANHWOI JSKFN IJDLASKSF IM SO POWERFUL AHAHAH HUAJKAKL JKLA JAH HA HAHL HAH AH HAH HAH HHAH AH HAHAH A *JUMPS INTO A VOLCANO AND BLOWS THE FUCKING WORLD UP*” 

[therevolutionwillnot]

She Can Fly (a ranty ode to my grandma)

Grandma used to tell me when I was little, I’d take a sheet and run around the house singing, I Believe I Can Fly. I can see the movie version of myself, hair in braids, shoes off, grandma saying “Hohoooo-bapreeee.” Run to one corner “I believe I can touch the skyyy” Run to another corner “Think about it every night and dayyyy” Flying across the rooms, wings flapping “Spread my wings and fly awaaay” I run through that open door, arms flailing drastically the beat beating through my chest as it repeats until the crescendo, “I believe I can flllyyyyyy!” Fast forward and rewind a few hours backwards, Dadu is yelling at grandma. Somewhere in my head his Hindi is slapping the walls and he is the large frame of a giant who squishes my grandma into the mouse form she feels majority of the time around him. I think he slapped her at one point, but all of that is lost or fuzzy in where we don’t like to remember. This woman. This woman who raised my uncle, aunt and dad. This woman… Would say to me “Mimi do you remember the garden. You would said my garten- these are my toe-mayy-toes.” There would be a laugh in her voice, as if she could see the sun shining on my little authoritative face claiming “This is my land” in tiny toddle voice. She liked the Animal Planet Channel, America’s Funniest Home Videos (animals over humans definitely) and soap operas. All the face slapping, facial expressions, dramatic music, my grandma’s reaction. “Oh myyyyyyy.” It was the animals and videos that were the best in my book. Some baby, child thing or animal would do something irreversibly stupid, clumsy and all at the same time adorable. She would laugh. “Oh hohohohohoo oh my.” Her laughter made me laugh, I loved to watch her sit in her plastic cheap looking dollar store chair and smile. And laugh. I think those were our moments. I didn’t realize this, but she raised me. For a long time she was there and I can’t remember most of it. I don’t know those times that my cheeks must’ve ruined the tectonic equilibrium as her face would peer into mine, searching for the many ways to make those cheeks burst even more with smiles. The times we must’ve had each other best. I will not know those. We were learning about human biology, I read the passage, I got all the information-We essentially come from monkeys...or monkey-like things, my brain said. I know things, I’m twelve. What in me decided to have this conversation with my dad? What sparked this ignorance to state boldly, “Dad we come from monkeys.” Immediate downfall, the bible was talked at and thrusted into my hands. “Are you telling me your grandma comes from monkeys?” I can’t answer with a straight face, because it’s all over. The world is ending. Quietly I say, “Yes. We all do.” More fireballs thrown until our words are pure flames. My grandma is praying in the corner, I’m crying. And realized I didn’t want this. I didn’t to see her like this-don’t care about him, he’ll always be this way, but grandma. I made a day in hell for you and I’m sorry. I told her I didn’t care if he lived, one day. We were on the phone. But he was getting sick. He’s always getting sicker. She said he’s in a bad way. I propose the idea that maybe he is, and maybe we should be ready for that...and in a small voice I tell her I don’t care. She was immediately offended that I would ever say anything like that, he was your son. I know that hurt you. I never should have said that out loud to you. She reminds me of the Glass Menagerie-that fucking story always pisses me off (but you are so fragile). She would think so little of herself (you didn’t like new clothes, in fact I have some of them). I tell this story to kids I work with all the time- it’s my favorite to tell and of course I change it up a little more every time. He was outside making chicken, red, so deliciously red but it was always smokey and filled with mosquitoes. You were inside making potatoes. Sometimes you sat on the floor and chopped on this big wooden heavy chopping board with this knife that looked like a mini machete perfect for your everyday brown toddler. I asked if I could help around, you stirring, he’s flipping and drinking. You both say no. So apparently my tiny self managed to drag a sack of potatoes to the bathroom. Plop them in one by one...to which one of you noticed. The door creaks open slowly, assuming it’s just a little girl taking a large deuce (it runs in our family seriously tho), but to her surprise...her granddaughter is smushing potatoes into the toilet. I can imagine what you sounded like “Oriiiiiiii bapreee!!!!” And apparently my father walked in- this guy who loves Beevus and Butthead with the comedic level of a 15 year old boy in the 90s...yeah he laughed his ass off. Secretly struggling with the idea of how to unclog the toilet. You guys loved to tell that story and I always loved hearing it. It was during a time you were happy with him...but we both know how temporary that was. We would go on walks, I’m in middle school...I’m a teenager and you disclose to me how scared you are of him. I’ve heard him yell at you or flex in frustration. We have both seen in this in men, too many times. It’s as if Dadu just couldn’t rest and had to reincarnate himself in your son. 12 pack of beer, everytime we hung out sometimes a 20 pack. Budlight or Budweiser mostly. Every. Night. You told me he did ether one night and died. Granted he was younger...but you’d been carrying his booze problem since. It was you. Alone. With him. And when I called sometimes our secret code language of his angry presence was enough that I would get on the phone with him, make him laugh, something. Just to ease your space. But you called me one day...it had gone too far. He had alcohol poisoning and my brother was there. He had to call 911. He was crying and alone with you and him and...I wasn’t there. To help, to take over, to handle the crisis. I was so young to hear about his abuse to you. I asked my mom what if we moved you...I knew she never would. But I really wanted you gone from him. I wanted to take care of you. I wanted to know you were safe and happy. I hurt you when I didn’t call or visit. I don’t know why I didn’t, but I do, I was too lazy, I was living my life, I was like my mother. She did that to you too. I learned this from her, I take full responsibility for not seeing you, I did not see you when you were here last. I didn’t tell you the truth. Me and Al aren’t together and whe I have a kid I will most likely not be in a marriage but I’ll be happy. Because I can stop this curse of misery and pain. If I am here for anything I am here for that. You gave me love-you showed me what love looks like and that is all I can give back. We all deserve love, hurt, broken, in pieces, in full glasses of water. I’m sorry if I didn’t give it back to you. But please always know that I love you. You met Al. You said his name funny. But it was cute. I knew he wasn’t the one but I never brought a guy to meet you and you deserved to meet someone. He was my first long term relationship. I didn’t love him, but liked him a lot. I think you could tell. I think you liked watching me with a guy. You kept asking when I’d get married and start having kids. You really wanted grandkids, that’s when the very elongated “Graaanddmmaa” would creep a smile around my mouth. It was just cute that you started doing that when I was getting older. You died on the night I was out dancing on a date. It was a really nice date and I don’t know if you said this to me, but I believe you did, you told me, “You love.” And that feeling I’d always dreamed of, dancing with someone where the energy and connection are caught together to hold up the mast to swing in the storm of sound waves. There it was. That feeling. The next morning Felicia texted me. I was on the toilet. I had a great night and a great morning. I knew her text was bad. It was in my gut but I hoped...and then I read it. And I cried so hard muffling the choking sounds shoving my hands over my mouth trying to keep everything from falling apart. You were just gone...I know that’s cliche. But that was it. No will. No letter. No words left for me or anyone. You didn’t exist, you weren’t coming back. And I didn’t say anything to you, I didn’t say any of these things to you because I let him take you and our family didn’t have words for you. They held nothing in your name, no funeral or church event. I didn’t fight for you because I thought I was too small. I should’ve fought for you because no one else did. I was strong enough for you, I was strong enough to fight them off to let them know that you mattered, that you gave me strength and inspiration in this world to fight for my existence. I never told you that I wrote a paper about you for my English class in high school. A very influential teacher, this old white dude read my words about you. Just you and your superhuman ability to survive this world and still have room to smile and laugh. The hug you gave me more which was always more than three times when we would say goodbye. I loved saying goodbye to you. He left me a message, that I was a very talented writer and should follow this road, this path… I never told you, that you gave me that moment, I was proud to exist to feel purposeful in this world. I wrote about the smell of turmeric, onion, curry, garlic in your salwar, the Amla you combed through your hair and always braided. The way you said, “Ow.” and made such a painful yet comical face. The way cilantro chili pepper eggs in roti were simple and yet savory as ever like your dahl, your fried fish, anything you cooked. Your heart that gave away so much love and you only got so much in return. You gave me love and I am so thankful for all that you have been in my life, my Grandma. These are my words for you.

[madame-kiksters]

Rules:

1. always post the rules

2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you

3. write 11 questions of your own

4. tag 11 people you want to get to know better (or however many you want)

I was tagged by @burntsugarandhalfawilltolive

1. What fandom has had the most positive impact in your life?

I think the fandom that has had the most positive impact on me is probably Natsume and the Book of Friends. Apparently there’s discourse [or so I hear] but I’ve only ever experienced wholesomeness...and everybody thirsting for Natsume [in the anime and in the fandom xD]

2. If you could pick any talent to be good at (that you don’t already have), what would it be?

Studying. I have always been able to read things once and retain everything I need, even in my college courses, but the program I’m in... I had no experience studying so I’ve had to try many different things, still haven’t found what works for me. 

3. What do you think is the closest thing we have to magic currently?

Medicine. There’s a med that can stop and restart the heart and meds that can wake someone up from a stroke like *snaps fingers* THAT!

4. Cool or warm colors?

Cool colors, specifically blue and purple.

5. What fictional animal/creature do you wish was real?

Dragons. Mayyybe griffons >.>

6. What is the longest you’ve ever slept?

12 hours in my younger days. Now I hit 8 and I physically CANNOT sleep anymore. 

7. What is one piece of advice you would give to your younger self?

It’s okay to not be the smartest, or the most special, or the best at anything. Just try your best and know that you did the best you could. Because you have people that care about you that think you’re just the bees knees.

But also:

DON’T OPEN THAT CABINET WHERE THE SPIDER WAS AS BIG AS THE ENTIRE DOOR, FOR GODSAKE, PLEASE! I’M... WE’RE STILL SCARRED BY THAT IMAGE!!!

8. What was your favorite toy growing up?

Hmm, well. I guess it would have to be this stuffed dog with a blue bandanna that I got from one of my dad’s coworkers who’d dressed up as Santa for all the employees’ kids one year. I named him Blue and I still sleep cuddled with him :’)

9. You win half a million dollars, what would you spend it on?

I would try very hard to save it... but would probably end up buying games and such that I can’t even play right now bc time and the lack thereof.

10. If you eat fries with ketchup, do you put it on the side or on top of the fries?

>:U THE SIDE! WHAT KINDA HEATHEN??

Look, I’mma level right here. Ketchup directly on the fries makes ‘em soggy. And I don’t disrespect potatoes like that.

11. What is one thing you like about yourself?

I like that I am a loyal friend. Even if you’re mean to me, I’d rather duke it out, let the dust settle, and be friends again than to just cut ties.

12. what is your favorite juice?

Cranberry.

13. is there a certain texture that makes your skin crawl?

I don’t like nuts in my baked goods because when the textures mix.... i just don’t like it okay? xD

14. apple or samsung?

Samsung.

15. do you prefer typing or writing with a pencil?

Typing. As a left handed person, typing doesn’t cause more strain on me to write in copious amounts.

16. where do you keep your phone? (back pocket, purse, jacket, etc.)

Back pocket. Jacket pocket if I am wearing a hoodie.

17. do you move your hands a lot when talking?

ALL THE TIME! *flails wildly*

18. what do you do to pass time?

Honestly? I just stare into nothingness with a blank mind. I wish I could say I was thinking. And sometimes I start out thinking of fantastical stories I could write. But it’s nice to just sit there quietly every once in awhile.

19. mechanical or wood pencil?

Ticonderoga black number 2 pencil, bb. Good for writing and sketching!

20. what is your favorite thing to wear?

An over-sized hoodie. It’s like a blanket I get to wear out in public without getting too many odd looks (I do live in Florida so... if the forecast isn’t imminent rain, you get odd looks).

21. make up or barefaced?

Barefaced. I don’t really like makeup and fully believe it should be an accessory that everyone can wear if they want to.

22. if you could have any superpower, what would it be?

Oh gosh... ummm. The power to levitate myself at will. Even if it’s just a few inches off the ground. I think that would be a nice ability bc I could finally reach things I am too small to get without strain.

-----

Now for 11 questions.. hoo boy.

1. Dogs or cats?

2. Snakes or rats?

3. Cartoon Network, Disney, or Nickelodeon?

4. Cartoons or live action?

5. Comics, books, or fanfiction?

6. Were you in on Vine before all the Vine comps on Youtube?

7. Ever experienced the black hole you fall into while on Youtube?

8. Do you doodle? If so, what do you find yourself doodling most often?

9. Deku. Be honest. Did you think I meant the tree from Legend of Zelda or the MC from My Hero Academia?

10. How would you rate the name of a turtle named, “Sheldon”?

11. Do you like stickers?

Okay, now to tag 11 peeps... uhhh, well. I really wanna know what @burntsugarandhalfawilltolive would answer to my questions, so her.

@redawilo, @oinkyblanketpig, @app-jelly, @thesoundofthunderstorms, @metalwarrior22, @dliessmgg, @birdwives, @fandommother7, @salemq, and last, but never least @alwaysjustnerdythings

[123greetingsimages]

Get Scholarship For People With Glasses

When you think of scholarships, you think in standard traditional scholarships for people with glasses. But if you research the small world of scholarships, there is about every type of award available. Whether you have red hair or love potatoes, then there is a scholarship for you.

Scholarship for People With Glasses

1. Replace My Contacts

If you are a high school student getting ready for college, write a small essay on the way that your eyesight issues affect your daily life' and you could have an additional 1000 dollars for the school. Applicants must complete a brief questionnaire and answer one of four defined prompts in 500 words or less. If you wear glasses or contact lenses, then jump on this informative article. The application deadline is April 15th, so hurry and make that excess cash for your school year.

2. Visine Pupils with Vision Scholarship

Visine sure knows how to measure this up with their remarkable 5000 dollar scholarship supply. To apply, write an essay, or publish a picture program. Having the capacity to reveal financial hardship and this award may be yours. You ought to be a high school senior or a college freshman, sophomore, or junior and be able to show involvement in college activities and/or community support.

3. The Arthur E. And Helen Copeland Scholarships

For those students considered legally blind, this is a solid scholarship. It takes the student to be enrolled in a two or four-year college degree program. In addition they give scholarships for athletics or even a scholarships for people with glasses and for all those who have brown hair. Current USABA member and must have been an active participant in a USABA occasion.

4. The Carl Foley Graduate Scholarship Program

The requirements are somewhat distinct from the scholarship award, but still need issues with vision. It is regarded as one of the premier and greatest scholarships for people with glasses programs out there. This app has been re-written at right now so your Very Best bet is to have your faculty or universities get hold of the CCLVI (Council of Citizens with Low Vision, International)

5. The Christian Record Services Scholarship

Partial scholarships for people with glasses are offered to blind young people striving to obtain a college education. The award number Christian Record Services for the Blind gives for scholarships varies from year to year. An applicant should meet two prerequisites before the program will be considered. To qualify, you must be legally blind (20/200) with correction) and needs to be planning to attend college because a full-time student on the undergraduate level to procure training that will enable independence and self-support.

This award is a bit more difficult to get but rewarding. With a lot of scholarships for having glasses are available, you will find far more stringent requirements. Try your opportunity for their $10,000 scholarship.

6. Delta Gamma Foundation Florence Margaret Harvey Memorial Scholarship

The student is worth $1,000.00 to a undergraduate or graduate student in the field of education or rehabilitation of individuals that are blind or visually impaired. You'll need to complete a very simple essay and supply evidence of legal blindness from your doctor. You want a visual field of less than 20/200 in the better eye.

7. Rudolph Dillman Memorial Scholarship

This superb little award is set at $2,500.00 and will be given to each graduate or undergraduate who'll study within the field of education or rehabilitation of people who are blind. Students must be a fulltime pupil. There is a little essay included together with a brief program process.

8. Guild Scholar Award

This scholarships for people with glasses was made for high school students which are legally blind and are college-bound. The applications are accepted by students at the end of their junior year. The selected students will be given the subsequent year with an amazing award of up to $15,000.00. A few prerequisites are required such as the ACT or SAT scores, schools you've applied to, any monetary conditions for the award to think about, legal evidence of blindness, 500-word private statements, and also a statement of an influential instructor.

[jasoncissell-blog]

The Basic Keto Diet

      Let me start by saying I am not a doctor and nor do I have any kind of degree that makes me a professional. I started Keto on Wednesday September 13, 2017 and within 10 days I lost 14lbs. I read articles and watched videos about the Keto Diet for 2 months before I decided to try it myself. Remember you need to do what works for you. If you don’t agree or do not like something simply try something different. I started my diet with a 24 hour fast. THIS IS NOT NECESSARY. I decided that the best way to start start MY diet. Here was the thought about doing the fast. I wanted to deplete as much sugar deposits in my body as possible before I had my first meal. I wanted my first meal to be within the boundaries of the the Keto Diet. The last 3 to 4 hours was tough but mostly was not that hard since 8 hours of it were sleeping and 3 hours of it were after I ate.

FASTING

Lets talk about fasting. There are so many right and wrong answers. To ME I believe anything after 12 hours could technically be considered fasting. If I’m not fasting for at least 15 hours I do not call it fasting. Fasting is a good way to stay in Ketosis but is not necessary by any means. If I was to do a 15 hour fast I would eat dinner at 6pm or 7pm and not eat again until 9am or 10am. This is super easy to do. While fasting I allow myself coffee (black) nothing added and water. Doesn’t really matter the amount. I would say I wouldn’t drink more than 3 coffees during the fast but you could do more. Drink one water bottle or at least 8 ounces of water for each cup of coffee you drink. I personally would drink two water bottles between each cup of coffee. Here are some reasons I would fast:

If I ate a meal that had a lot of protein in one setting.

If I ate food I probably shouldn’t eat, like potatoes, rice, or bread.

If I feel like I am not losing weight and am at a stand still.

If I had any kind of alcohol.

If I ate a lot of food in one setting in general.

Again FASTING IS NOT NECESSARY but is not a terrible idea.

STARTING OUT THE DIET

The first thing you need to do is buy the foods that you will eat on the diet. Do not rely on the things you already have. Buy Ketone testing strips at Walmart, CVS, Walgreens, or Amazon. Buy either chicken broth or bullion cubes. It would not hurt to buy Potassium Citrate (Yes the Citrate part is important) and Magnesium in the vitamin section at Walmart or wherever you buy your groceries. These are usually cheap considering it will last more than a month.  Last but not least, a food scale. Walmart has food scales as well as most your major scales. If I did it again I would have bought a Microgram scale that also weighed grams. So if you are a cocain dealer you might already have one lolz. I bought a bought both because I decided after I bought the food scale I wanted raw “supplements” instead of buying something in a bottle. I’m a nerd sorry not sorry. I will link as many things as I can at the very end.

SOME OF THE FACTS

Keto is a high fat diet. Your protein is at a moderate level. Carbs and sugar are the devil, “cough” I mean you will eat low carb and avoid sugar. The typical daily diet is 70% Fat 20% Protein 10% Carbs. Mine usually ends up being 75% Fat or a little higher 18ish% Protein and 5ish% Carbs. Shoot for 70% Fat or a little more. Since you are avoiding certain foods your electrolytes will be a little off. Magnesium, Potassium, and Sodium are the three electrolytes in reference. If your electrolytes are off you are gonna feel like absolute crap. A way to quickly fix this is drink Chicken Broth or a Bouillon Cube dissolved in warm warm or……. take Magnesium and Potassium together (this is what I do). I salt the crap out of my food so I know my Sodium is good. Your body will change from using Sugar as a fuel source to using Ketones. This is called Ketosis. Your goal with this diet is to stay in Ketosis. There will be a time during this transition that will most likely not be pleasant. It is referred to the Keto Flu. I will share a link at the end if you want more in depth info.

KETO FLU

Google it! So many different opinions. Here is what I experienced. First of all remember I fasted so that was a little weird to begin with since I have never fasted in my life before. Made me almost feel high the last four hours. Like my mental clarity was super foggy and I was a little tired. So after I broke the fast and had my first “Keto Meal” (6oz Ribeye and a serving of steamed Broccoli). I went to sleep and woke up feeling a little strange. I drank Keto Coffee (I’ll explain later) in the morning and ate Eggs and Bacon a few hours later. The entire day I didn’t feel good and was very tired. Later in the day my body was achy. So technically “Flu like symptoms” without the puking or crapping my pants lol. I never had a sick feeling. Just know that this is something that will pass and everyone deals with it differently.

DO NOT EAT

This is most likely the best information I can give about your diet. Do not eat the items listed below.

Sugar or anything with sugar in it.

Bread (I know I cried a little too).

Grains. ( Rice, Pasta, Cereal)

Beans

Fruit

Juices, Soda, Gatorade.

Gum (This was hard for me).

WHAT TO EAT

Don’t worry this is not an expensive diet. I spent around $130 in groceries and it will most likely last three weeks. Keep in mind thats all meals per day times 7 days. If your breakfast, lunch, and dinner were $5 dollars a piece times 7 days that would come out to be $105 per week. You will not need to buy fancy food or cook different food for your family. If you cook something for dinner that is not allowed in your diet for your family (mashed potatoes or mac and cheese) just don’t eat any.

Meats:

Basically any steak will work. Ribeye is the fattiest out of all steaks. Check this pic out http://i.imgur.com/hXLH5qB.jpg.

Hamburger meat. Get 80/20 or a higher fat content.

Chicken legs, thighs, and wings. Try to stay away from Chicken Breast because its a lot leaner and high in protein.

Fish like Salmon are high in fat. Tilapia and Tuna tend to be more lean. Eat in moderation.

Bacon a Keto Staple.

Pork Ribs or Beef Ribs. Pork Chops and Pork Tenderloin are a lot leaner and high in protein.

Pork or Beef Sausage. Be mindful of the Label and what in it.

Breakfast Sausage or Links. Again be mindful of the type. Sugar is our enemy.

Eggs

Shrimp. In moderation.

Pepperoni. High in calories!

Deli Meats. This is a touchy subject but can be a good snack.

Beef Jerky. Another good snack but don’t over do it.

Turkey honestly should be avoided because its low in fat and high in protein.

Vegetables:

Avocados are another staple in Keto.

Spinach

Broccoli

Cauliflower

Kale

Asparagus

Collard Greens

Lettuce

Mushrooms

Cucumber

Zuchinni

Peppers Jalapeño, Green Bell (say no to red and yellow), Chili

Tomatoes

Radish

Celery

Pickles

Nuts:

Pecans

Brazil

Macadamia

Walnuts

Hazelnuts

Almonds

Peanuts (Be careful with this one. Its a legume (Bean) not a nut.

Pistachios

Cashews are an iffy they are a bit high in Carbs.

Dairy:

Cottage Cheese

Heavy Cream

Butter. Get Kerrygould brand. Its a Keto thing :)

Ghee

Cream Cheese

Sour Cream

Basically any kind of Cheese. (String, slice, stick, shredded)

Oils

Coconut

Avocado

Olive

MCT

FINAL THE INFO YOU ACTUALLY WANT

LETS DO 14 DAYS WITHOUT CHEATING

Wether you start with a 24 hour fast or not lets make sure you’re ready for 14 days of trusting the diet. The first couple days or so are gonna suck. From my experience my appetite suppression started almost immediately. This means you won’t eat as much as you currently do. The first thing you need to do is download My Fitness Pal. You may add me jasoncissell@gmail.com. Next figure out your Macros (Fat,Protein,Carbs per day). Remember to subtract Fiber from the Carb count :). Here is a basic break down.

For a Male 1800 or less Calories, 140-150g Fat, 85-95g Protein, and 10-20g Carbs.

For a Female: 1600 or less Calories, 120-130g Fat, 55-65g Protein, and 10-20g Carbs.

You can go to https://www.ruled.me/keto-calculator/ to get a little more accurate reading of your Macros. You can always keep your calories lower. Your daily percent is the most important thing to remember. Make sure your Fat is at least 70% of your daily diet and the rest should fall into place.

So now that you have your basic tools now its time to meal plan. Here is my basic day of eating. But before here is my Keto Coffee Recipe.

KETO COFFEE

Some people drink what is called Bullet Proof Coffee. You can Google it and find lots of different things. Here’s what I do. I make 8 ounces of any brand of coffee. I add 1 table spoon of Coconut oil, 1 table spoon of MCT oil, and 1 table spoon of Heavy Whipping Cream. However, I do change it up sometimes like use 1 table spoon of Kerrygold butter or use different amounts of oils or heavy whipping cream. The basic idea is to use 3 table spoons of some kind of fats. This morning I had 2 table spoons of Heavy Whipping Cream and 1 table spoon of Coconut oil.

DAY OF EATING

6:30am Keto Coffee

10-11am 2 Eggs fried in Bacon Grease. 2-3 slices of Bacon or Sausage. Every other day I eat 1/4-1/2 of an Avocado.

1-4pm Cheese of some sort. Small amount of nuts

5-7pm 4-6 ounces of meat. 1/2 to 1 cup of vegetables.

I only eat when I am hungry. One of the benefits of Keto is appetite suppression. During the week I work out at lunch so I tend to eat shortly before I go to the gym. After I get back I usually eat a cheese stick and some nuts. I kinda still believe in getting some protein in after a weight training session.

OFF THE CUFF INFORMATION

So there are a few YouTube creators that are very knowable about the Ketogenic Diet and how it affects our bodies. Recently I listen to a gentleman named Mike talk about supplements. He is doing quite a few studies on supplements and Keto. However, he was talking about Selenium. This is a very important mineral and we need a little bit of it in our bodies. The best sources of this mineral are: Brazil Nuts, Yellowfin Tuna, Sardines, Grass fed beef, Chicken, Eggs, and Spinach. Most of us need around 40-60mcg per day. Two eggs have roughly 30mcg. My advice is to eat 1 Brazil Nut a day.

Remember those  Ketone test strips? These are a lot like a pregnancy test. They test for Ketones in your urine. They are inaccurate in a since. The reason is they test the unused Ketones in our body. If you just did a very intense workout the reading of Ketones will be off because you used a whole bunch during your workout. The basic goal is to see any shade of Red or Purple. It will give you peace of mind knowing you are in Ketosis. There are other testing methods that are more accurate at testing for Ketosis. The two I have seen are Blood Test and Breath Test. The Breath Test simple test the Acetone in the bottom of your lunges. The Blood Test is arguably the most accurate for self testing, by that I mean not going to the doctor. It works like a Diabetic Test. You put your blood on little strips and it tells your your Blood Sugar. You can also buy strips to test your Ketone Level. This test is expensive and I do not recommend purchasing the device and strips. However, if you do use them sparingly. The “pee test” is inexpensive and easy to do. You pee on the test stick and wait 15 seconds, the bottle with have markings on it. Let me remind you though, as long as its any shade of red or purple you are good!

Last thing off the top of my head before I drop links, DRINK WATER!!!!!! You honestly need this more than anything. Be mindful to drink at least 6 ounces every hours. I drink 1 bottle 16ish ounces every hour I am awake.

GOOD LUCK! IF YOU HAVE QUESTIONS JUST ASK!

A good read and understanding of the Ketogenic Diet.

https://www.ruled.me/guide-keto-diet/

Food scales.

Amazon https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B004164SRA/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o09_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Walmart   https://www.walmart.com/ip/CO-Z-11lb-5kg-Digital-Kitchen-Food-Scale-Stainless-Steel-Platform-With-LCD-Display/142704909

Microgram scale I purchased.

Amazon   https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0012TDNAM/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Magnesium.

Amazon  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0012619B0/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1

Walmart  https://www.walmart.com/ip/Spring-Valley-Rapid-Release-Magnesium-Citrate-Dietary-Supplement-Capsules-100mg-100-count/38570837

Potassium.

Amazon  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00ENSA93S/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&th=1

Walmart  https://www.walmart.com/ip/Now-Potassium-Citrate-99-mg-180-Capsules/40703770

The MCT Oil I purchased. Debatable if you even need this. Some Walmart stores have MCT Oil.

Amazon  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00XM0Y9SE/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Ketone Testing Strips

Amazon  https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01J9LOP4M/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o02_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

Walmart  https://www.walmart.com/ip/True-Level-Ketone-Test-Strips-For-Diabetics-Paleo-Ketogenic-Low-Carb-Dieters-100-Tests/141656652

CVS  https://www.cvs.com/shop/cvs-reagent-ketone-test-strips-prodid-306412?skuId=306412

Walgreens  https://www.walgreens.com/store/c/walgreens-ketone-test-strips-for-urinalysis/ID=prod6000723-product

The Founders of Creative Cooking for Keto

https://www.ketoconnect.net/

Mike the Supplement Guy. He test certain supplements to see how they change Blood Sugar and Ketones.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aNaB7ljxhwI&list=PLpxGtvV4Cq_Lj1fCzzb3I28ObxdEeiXCt

My YouTube Channel is https://www.youtube.com/user/cissell870. You can always just search Jason Cissell on YouTube. I am in the process of making videos where I go shopping, share tips, and tell you how my journey is going along the way. There are a lot of random videos but once I start uploading I will make a playlist specifically for Keto and upload at least 1 video every week.

[theawkwardterrier]

Fic roundup 2016

Buffyverse All Work The Closing Distance To Question, Squirrels and Books

Gilmore Girls Heads, Hands

Harry Potter (Enough Misadventures) To Last A Lifetime The Biting Yesterdays In the Neighbourhood As Yourself

Leverage Sanctuary Space In the Gray Light

MCU The Madcap Underground Withdraw Their Shining The Job At Hand This Bright Future Homemakers Stand Together Burdens Had The Question At Hand All the Days Woman Borne With Gentleness and Time Duty Bound Like Gravity

The Newsroom A Rousing Debate

Veronica Mars Untitled celebrity/fan AU The Blown Job

1. Looking back, did you write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d predicted?: Considering I didn’t write a damn word for nearly half the year, much much more. I was super surprised when I did a “last 20 fics” thing in October-ish, and found that they were all in 2016. And I also feel like I actually got a decent balance between longer oneshots, little snippets, and at least one decently sized (for me) chapter fic. It also helped that I got less anxious about asking for prompts, and people were nice enough to step up and give them to me.

2. What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you would never have predicted in January?: I never ever would have expected Steve/Peggy and the MCU to take over my life and my writing as completely as it did. I have literally no concrete memory of how it happened, but suddenly they were just there, and I’ve found them honestly delightful to both read and write.

3. What’s your own favorite story of the year? Not the most popular, but the one that makes you happiest? Homemakers. Homemakers. All day, every day. It’s just the right level of fluff, sounds authentic enough, flowed nicely, has humor and sweetness and a solid relationship and a plot but also a bit of a “glimpse into the life” thing. One hundred percent. Homemakers.

4. Did you take any writing risks this year? What did you learn from them? Started writing Woman Borne even though The Ninety-Nine Percent had burned me out so badly. Finished writing Woman Borne even as I realized that I likely wasn’t equipped to do so. On the one hand, I’m proud of the way I handled the act of writing and posting it- I remembered to finish the whole thing ahead of time, I had it read over at an early stage to see if I should keep going and then had it read when it was complete by someone lovely and knowledgeable, I looked over each chapter before posting and made edits if they felt necessary rather than feeling that what I’d written had to dictate the way it would go- but I don’t think I would write something so heavy and controversial and out of my personal experience like that in the near future. Although the readers were overall lovely, it was stressful as heck.

5. Do you have any fanfic or profic goals for the New Year? Just, keep writing. If I could finish a few of my WIPs, that would be nice (especially the Very Large Cameron/Chase one) but I’m pretty satisfied to take things as they come. I think my experience with The Blown Job this year was actually really helpful to me- it was a fairly old WIP, one that I’d put down as a goal to finish this year, and without even pushing myself to do it, I just picked it up and chipped away at it until it was done. It just needed to rest in my folder and in my brain for a while, and when it was ready to be done, I finished it.

6. From my past year of writing, what was… Story Most Underappreciated by the Universe: I think that things mostly got noticed in proportion to how they deserved to be noticed- Woman Borne is long so it got more, Homemakers is actually pretty good so it got props even though it was shorter- but some of my smaller fics sort of sank without a ripple. Part of it is my fault because I’m terrible at self-promo, so they were posted once on tumblr, and maybe on AO3, but I feel awkward trying to be noticed, which means that they weren’t. I’m tempted to say Head, Hands, which was my first Rory/Logan story in a while; or either of my Parker/Hardison attempts, but in the end I think I have to go with Like Gravity, which was my last fic of the year and my Steggy Secret Santa story. I don’t know if it was weird tumblr stuff or if the unevenness really put people off, but I didn’t think it was a bad story and it just seemed to go gently into the fanfic ether.

Most Fun: I think The Job At Hand. Homemakers came out so smoothly and I really liked writing all the showgirls in Stand Together, but there’s just something about the hilarious frustration of trying to keep Steve Rogers under control.

Most Disappointing: Maybe In the Neighbourhood, which was my first Ron/Hermione story. I think the characterization was okay but nothing stellar, the writing wasn’t spectacular, and the situation was a little basic. Overall, it was serviceable but lacked any kind of sparkle.

Actually, I take it back. As Yourself, one of my Lily/James fics. The idea is good and even the individual elements are good. I’m really proud of the title, too: it refers both to the quote “love your neighbor as yourself” and the theme of presenting yourself honestly. But the pacing is all wrong. I rushed it, and it shows.

Most Sexy: Oh good gosh. For years I have been answering these questions and I have never succeeded in this one. I know that there’s a lot of ways to be sexy. I write fluff and angst and everything in between. But my sexy is like “do the characters make physical contact at any point?” I’d say This Bright Future, most likely.

Hardest to Write: Woman Borne is probably the easiest answer, but although it took several months to write and had a LOT of big things tangled in it, it didn’t feel that hard in the scheme of my chapter fic experiences. I struggled with getting through The Closing Distance- I’ve had trouble with Buffy/Angel stuff for several years- but I was really surprised by how hard Like Gravity was. It was the only Steve/Peggy fic I had a particularly hard time writing, which was especially strange considering it wasn’t an extraordinarily complicated AU.

Most Unintentionally Telling: Maybe the fact that I like Homemakers so much and have reread it so many times. Although is it a reveal if my love for fluff is well known and publicized? As is my frustration re: bread-making. And that part was written with full and vocal intention, so...not sure

Choice Lines:

Harry (so normal; James’s dad would have loved that) looks around, pulling on a gray t-shirt. “What’s happening?” he says eyeing the cauldron, his mother, and James eyeing him.

“Your dad had a little incident,” Lily says. She hands Harry a muffin, shrugging when he looks from it to her. “Pre-incident baking.”

“Alright,” Harry says easily. He takes a bite. “‘M going to Ron’s for Quidditch.” He sticks the rest of the muffin in his mouth and leaves the room as Lily pours some of the cooled teal potion into a glass and sets it in front of James, who doesn’t move for a moment.

“Woah. Didn’t mean to step into the morning after.”

“Well you did, and now you’ve got it all over your shoe.”

“That’s fucking bullshit.” Steve considered adding ‘with all due respect, sir,’ but he didn’t think it would have mattered at that point, and he also didn't think it would be honest.

...Peggy Carter is controlled and capable and brilliant, but the only thing that’s stone about her is the strength of her right hook.

Steve thinks of courts martial and the way Peggy's uniform fits her so easily. His chest feels splayed open. “I'd love to come with you,” he says, the words breathing out of him.

He wants to hug her, to hold her against him, calculated and risky and stunning. Instead he finds her hand where it lies in the sand between them and presses it delicately…

...Steve, eyes downcast, gifts Peggy with a drawing- simple charcoal on lovely, thick paper- of what she recognizes with some surprise as her own hands. One is in a fist, the other spread wide like a shield.

She buys a frame for it and hangs it in her office the next day.

“Shut up,” she says, fierce and polite, and swings him around and kisses him. He’s stunned still for only a moment.

He is, in fact, a frankly lovely kisser.

When she pulls away after a few moments, he stands there dazed, and then mumbles something that sounds like, “Seniority.”

“Oh good God,” Peggy says, and kisses him again. When she’s satisfied he’ll be quiet, she says, “Phillips is ancient and crotchety and hasn’t changed his textbook in twenty-five years. You, meanwhile, let them look at naked art and stand up to their parents and are bloody gorgeous. And even if you were useless, you’ll shut up and take it. I’ve earned this.”

“You really have,” he says, and kisses her this time, his hands smiling on her back. And then, long minutes later, “By the way. Who’s the HR/PR Disaster now?” His voice is glancingly smug, which cannot be allowed.

“That was four dollars worth of ingredients,” Steve says dazedly several hours later. He is coated lightly in flour as if he has forgotten to come out of the snow.

Peggy eyes the lumpy dough creature and says, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to shoot it.”

They are two highly capable, mostly rational people. They have wedding rings and work and dinner dates and outings with friends and occasional couple’s espionage. They can cook nearly anything else by this point. There is no reason to be frustrated that they cannot conquer bread.

The next batch comes out of the oven looking perfect. It tastes only and exactly of yeast.

They host Thanksgiving because Bucky’s family wanted Christmas.

There are neat pieces of sushi as appetizers, a huge bowl of excellent mashed potatoes, and three perfect kinds of bread.

The turkey is half raw.

Bucky laughs ‘til he cries.

The girls are leaving first, so Steve stays with them while they pack up, the familiar trappings of the Star Spangled Show disappearing into crates, the familiar faces blurring beneath coats and hats.

The chaperone, Miss Lindon, is staring something fierce at him. (They’d almost driven off a cliff one midnight on a twisty road in California. Everyone else was squeezing hands and praying. Miss Lindon, firm and tidy in tweed, just turned the page of her book with a careful finger.)

He knows that Peggy is ninety-two years old. He knows that she just moved into a new nursing home last week. He knows that she is standing right in front of him, no more than a few years older than when he went into the ice. Dark hair, dark lipstick, dark jumpsuit, and his shield on her back.

Later, watching this Peggy, a shade away from what he knows, he realizes that she reminds him of no one as much as himself, shielding himself from the familiar and the unfamiliar and the memories most of all.

Having someone who understands is a very difficult sort of wonderful.

Natasha is the most off-put by how well Peggy knows them. Her stories have come slowly to Steve, each one a trust-gift. Peggy has her own collection, but for Natasha they are weapons held by someone she does not know.

No one could identify with the loneliness of waking up after the ice like Peggy could, the futile anger of knowing that everyone was gone and it was only him, surviving and surviving and surviving.

The next time Steve sees Thompson, he has fading bruises on either side of his jaw, and actually avoids Steve. As if Steve would hit him if he was just minding his own business.

“-And she said I needed to cut out half my footnotes, even though so much of the good stuff is there, and who doesn’t like extra footnotes? They’re like little knowledge presents!“ Willow finished, turning off the overhead light and enjoying the sound of her slippers shuffling against the carpet. Buffy was still out; she had a midterm the next day and Giles was quizzing her. She held the phone against her shoulder and pulled the covers down.

“Did you check for antennae? She might be a footnote hating alien.” It was the first time Oz had spoken in a while and she could hear the noise of the party the other Dingoes were having, but Willow never worried that he was getting distracted when she talked. The tone he used now was equilibrious as always, but the kind that curved upward a little in her mind and meant he was smiling.

She woke one morning with Steve’s voice, warm and content and loving, full of wonder, still settled over her like a shroud.

There were things that Peggy had not even known she could miss: slicing apples, newspapers, the moon and rain, handshakes, calendars.

There was a tenement sort of grimness to his voice that spoke of gritting teeth through long winters.

He had become less formal in her presence, knees and elbows expanding outward as he sat in a way that made him look somehow smaller, or at least softer.

She gripped at her tea. The all-purpose English remedy, she and Monty used to joke. Apply liberally to anything from gunshot wounds to heartbreak. It didn’t seem to be working.

Peggy reminded herself that she had quite handily survived a world war, and that there was no reason to behave swoonily just because Steve was being very visibly attractive in front of her.

Peggy tried to forget that the world war hadn’t prevented just the same thing the first time around.

“‘‘Twas I who chopped down the cherry tree’ and all that?” It sounded accidentally Shakespearean in her accent despite her wry tone.

Steve grinned in a way that was startlingly unrestrained, making Peggy realize just how much it had all been weighing on him. She hadn’t seen that grin since early 1945, and it was shameful for it to have been hidden so long.

“Fine,” he said, the way he did when things were not fine. It wasn’t that he was lying, but that he hadn’t yet realized that something was wrong.

Steve ran the miles home. The idea of cars felt condensed and awful.

She saw Barton farther down the street, half sitting, half sunbathing on top of one of the fire trucks.

In the bleary dark: “Why have you done so much to help us?”

A pause. “Because I can’t remember a time when I wished someone would help me.”

“Well, Evans, the thing about that man you married- and I love him like a brother and would kill anyone else who said this- is that he’s not very bright and sometimes exists with his head firmly hidden up his arse.”

“Hey, man, respect the skills of others. Maybe I can’t do any of that either, but I laugh in the face of the blue screen of death.”

There’s a feeling in her chest that reminds her of seeing Michael in his uniform for the first time, a ragged beat swallowing her thoughts for just a blank moment, whispering how much it would hurt to lose him.

He tells Peggy this after they’re adjourned for the day. She does not try to build him up or placate him. “They used to bury suspected vampires with stakes in their chests and bricks in their jaws even after they’d died,” she says instead, tilting her chin up at him.

She has the feeling that he’s from the type of family where handshake lessons were given on Monday from 2:30 to 4.

This woman sounds like she could buy and sell him a couple of times over, and he’s not entirely sure if he means literally or metaphorically.

“It’s good. I like it,” and somehow that’s worth paragraphs and paragraphs. It settles around her heart.

But Angel has had a few centuries to get used to how quickly things shift. He has no more lamentations for the eyeblinks that mean a change. Killing a young girl, seeing one on sunlit school steps; these things took seconds and changed everything.

His voice is hoarse and he speaks slowly, but his Russian is perfect, as if the language is something he stored in an attic chest, one he just creaked open to find it pristine.

Because although she has more responsibility than anyone he’s ever known, the weight of lives and lives, she also has her own, and it is such a young one. He wants to be sure that she doesn’t look with regret on these months spent with him, the cliffside love with someone whose life is endlessly futureless.

She’s been missing him all these months, she hasn’t even been tempted, never in all that time, and she’s not totally hideous, so there were some people trying to tempt. But she’s been waiting, it hasn’t even been a question, and he’s apparently been questioning all over the place if he was going to break his word, the last thing he said to her.

She goes Bronzing with the gang. She spends a couple nights hanging and talking with Will, where they dissect Oz’s latest three words, and try once again to figure out Cordelia and Xander, and don’t talk at all about Angel or about how this feels worse than the entire last year because they finally got to choose and they both chose to be apart. She gets a B+ on her English quiz.

Despite herself, Veronica is disappointed. She had wanted the rush from figuring out a puzzle, from outthinking a group of criminals with rap sheets long enough to ride the big roller coasters without a parent. Now she’s facing a woman who’s pulling the criminal equivalent of faking cramps to get out of gym.

[rohitkkumar]

New barriers put up at George Floyd Square in Minneapolis after old ones removed

My wife and I spent the first couple years of our marriage living under my parents roof. As anyone in that predicament would tell you the situation was less than ideal. The only saving grace was that my parents weren't especially nosy, and the house itself was large enough to offer us at least a sliver of privacy. It never caused any major problems between us, but our intimacy definitely took a backseat because of it. I really began focusing on progressing my career and getting us out of there. As luck would have it, I finally landed a big promotion I was aiming for and we moved into a relatively high end apartment downtown. It was closer to my finance office and my wife was also closer to the daycare she worked at.

I met Ashley during our last year at University. My roommate at the time introduced us and it wasn't long before we began dating. I still remember the first time she walked into the room. To say that my wife is gorgeous is somewhat of an understatement. Ashley is built like a sex pot. She has long dark hair with blueish gray eyes that compliment her porcelain pale skin color. Her face has been described as classically beautiful, featuring a distinctly feminine bone structure and pouty lips. She stands roughly 5'-5" tall and has it where it counts. She's blessed with large natural D cup breasts and a plump ass that is incredibly tight despite it's larger than average size. When you combine all of that with a very slender frame and a slim stomach it's almost as if her womanly assets defy the laws of physics. During that last year away at school I had sex with her every chance I could, sometimes two or even three times a day. You couldn't separate the two of us, and I think that's part of the reason she agreed to move home with me after we graduated. I proposed to her only a few short weeks after graduation, and we were married soon thereafter.

My name is John, as I already mentioned I work in finance - basically brokering trades or helping upper middle class people with investments, the usual kind of dollars and cents business. I guess I'm what you would consider an attractive guy, about 5'-10" with masculine features and up until recently, I was very much in shape. The stress of the move and the more intensive hours that came along with my promotion had yielded an unfortunate byproduct of 20 unsightly pounds, but I planned to work those away once things settled back down.

Even though I was a decent enough looking guy - my friends, and plenty of co-workers, were never shy of informing me that I married up. "Wow. That's your wife?" was a comment I had heard countless times. I really couldn't complain, even though I felt a pang of annoyance by these sorts of remarks I also beamed with pride. Most men, and I mean ninety-nine percent of men, would love to say Ash was their wife. Without question I lucked out, and sometimes I still pinch myself when I roll over in bed and see her laying next to me.

One of the reasons the move was such a positive was the obvious potential to revitalize our sex life. Now don't get me wrong, we did find our moments to make love living under my parents roof, but it went without saying that us having a place of our own would lead to more freedom in the bedroom. I hadn't thrown Ashley down on the couch in the middle of the day since college, and I looked forward to spicing things up again.

I was day dreaming about the possibilities when the phone rang in my small office, which I had newly acquired via promotion.

"John Morefield." I answered in my usual professional tone.

"It's me baby." my wife replied.

I smiled at the sound of her voice "Sorry babe, no caller ID yet - what's up?" I made a mental note to get the IT department in to finalize my office install.

"I was just wondering when you'd be home. I'm making a nice meal to celebrate us finally having our own place." My wife was a bit traditional when it came to gender roles. Don't get me wrong, she was progressive minded when it came to social issues, science, race, and things related to world outlook - but she loved to cook and clean. She was talented in the kitchen and would often be the one who cooked dinner when we were back at my parents place. If I'm being honest, I think even my mom was a bit jealous of her skills as a chef.

"Shouldn't be too late tonight, maybe around six-thirty. Let me run though I need to send something out to a client, love you."

"Love you too." The call snapped me out of my day dream and I resumed typing an overdue memo. A few minutes had passed when my cellphone buzzed from within my suit jacked. I reached in and pulled it out. As I glanced down at the screen my heart nearly skipped a beat. I was greeted by a naughty picture of big breasts that were ill-contained within a lace black and red bra. It didn't take long for me to realize that Ashley had just 'sexted' me a picture of her tits, something she had never done before. Accompanying the image was a subtext that read "Don't be late." I immediately felt my dick stiffen from within my slacks. I quickly adjusted myself before replying "On the way!"

I slammed my laptop closed and headed out the door.

Even though the drive home was technically only five minutes long it felt like an eternity. When I finally unlocked the door to the apartment and walked inside I was greeted by an erotic sight. It was dark despite it only being late afternoon, Ashley had closed the curtains. Candles littered our spacious living room, my eyes scanned the space before falling upon my wife. She was laying face down on our new plush couch, ass up in the air. My jaw nearly dropped at the sight of it. Her ass was prominently on display, as was her pussy, clit concealed by her luscious mound. The combination of her supple ass and sex was framed in almost artistically by a lace red and black undergarment. My dick immediately strained. I tossed off my jacket and instinctively began unbuckling my pants. Ashley looked back at me smiling devilishly, but she didn't say a word. This was hot, really hot - we never did anything like this.

I ripped my shirt off and basically jumped out of my pants, completely undressing in record time. I could hear her giggling from the couch. I approached my wife completely naked, my rock hard dick jutting outwards as I reached out and finally grabbed her ass.

"Fuck yes... look at this sexy thing." I spoke in a gritty tone, fueled by lust.

She wiggled it in response, lace skirt swaying. "You like? I bought the outfit today... and a few others."

"It's the sexiest thing I've ever seen." I pulled the skirt up, exposing the entirety of her lily white bottom. I slapped my palm down on her right cheek hard as I positioned the head of my dick at the folds of her sex. She moaned in response, arching her head back in anticipation.

"Fuck me baby... I've been waiting all day." her request was a whine, a whisper.

I gently thrust forward, entering my wife. The warmth and tightness of her sex sent waves of pleasure coursing through my body. It didn't take long before I was pumping away with full speed. Ashley was moaning softly in response, gripping the couch cushion as I pounded her. I looked down as her large ass bounced back and forth, consuming the view of my dick upon collision.

I wasn't exactly small in the genitalia department, my dick was almost six and a half inches in length, and it had decent girth. My wife, however, as I described - was stacked in every category. She was freakishly gifted when it came to sexual assets and I often cursed myself for not having the same genetic luck. I had seen enough porn in my day to know cocks came in much larger sizes than mine.

I shook the thought from my mind and gripped onto her hips, I felt an orgasm brewing from within me as I thrust into my wife. I hoped I could hold out until Ashley came. I often could, but today's unexpected eroticism had me more excited than normal. She looked back at me with her gorgeous eyes, probably sensing I was about to unload. "It's okay baby, cum. I want you to cum for me." Her tone was sultry and engaging, she bit her plump lip naughtily as the words escaped her mouth..

I relented, unleashing, legs shaking as the pleasure filled waves of my orgasm spread out from my groin. I came, hard, unloading my cum into my wife's willing sex.

She moaned softly as she felt me blow, continuing to bounce back onto my dick, milking me as my body locked up. I leaned down over her body, kissing her back and feminine shoulders while my orgasm subsided. We stayed in that position for a moment, until she spoke "Mmm... That was nice."

I stood, giving her some room to breathe, agreeing "Hell yeah it was... very nice."

She stood, turning to me and leaning in for a kiss. I noticed her tits within the bra and recalled the picture she sent me. After we locked lips I mentioned the text "I'm not sure what came over you, but that text was awesome - It got me rock solid. I almost had to cover myself as I ran out of the office."

She laughed "I don't know... I've been horny all day." She blushed. "I think finally having our own place has put me into a sexy mood. We should have moved years ago!"

I chuckled "Yeah, I'll say."

Ashley headed towards our bedroom, she spoke "I'm gonna hop in the shower, do me a favor and get the roast out of the oven please babe."

I watched her as she disappeared through the doorway, that incredible ass bouncing as she strode - inexplicably getting me excited despite my orgasm mere moments ago. God, I was a lucky man.

Dinner that night was lovely, we ate in the candlelight - lighting only a single lamp in the living room so we could see where we were going. We enjoyed a succulent pot roast with accompanying gratin potatoes and sliced buttery carrots. Ashley had picked up a few bottles of a delicious Cabernet, that we drank readily. I noticed an extra bottle on the kitchen counter, dressed with a bow - as if it was a gift.

"Who's that bottle for?" I inquired.

"I thought we'd give it to Richard, for helping us. Maybe you could invite him over for dinner next week as a proper thank you?"

I nodded in agreement "Great idea."

Richard was our new neighbor across the hall. We were having a hard time during our Saturday move and I assume he heard our struggle from inside his apartment. He spent almost five hours helping us carry the larger pieces up from the moving truck. If it wasn't for his help we probably would have been forced to delay until the next Saturday, costing us an entire week and more money. We thanked him profusely at the end of the move but the bottle of wine and invitation to dinner was definitely the right way to handle it.

He was a tall, older man, black - probably about forty-five years old, which would have put him roughly twenty years older than Ash or myself. He seemed rather soft spoken, but had a deep voice and an impressive physical presence. He appeared to be an attractive man, although sometimes it was hard for me to gauge the attractiveness of men, clean cut and seemingly well put together. He also appeared to be in great shape for a man of his age. He lugged large dressers and various pieces of furniture down the hall without really breaking a sweat. We hadn't learned much about him as of yet but we did find out he was widowed, his wife had passed away nearly 10 years earlier from a rare blood disorder. There was a certain melancholy about him, but Ash and I were both good judges of character, and we had a good feeling about the man. Surely dinner would be an ideal way to get to know him better.

Once we had finished the meal and cleaned up I grabbed the bottle and headed out our front door, it was only a few paces across the hallway before I was knocking at his.

The door opened "John, what a pleasant surprise." Richard spoke with kindness in his voice, smiling.

"Hey there, we wanted you to have this." I handed him the bottle. "Nothing fancy, but we wanted to thank you for helping us the other day. Ashley and I also wanted to invite you over for dinner next weekend - if you're available."

Richard looked genuinely grateful "Oh wow, you guys didn't have to get me anything. I was happy to help." He glanced at the label. He was dressed in slacks and what looked to be an expensive sweater. There was some music emanating from his apartment, it sounded classical, moody. I realized I might have came at a bad time.

"I hope I'm not interrupting anything." I offered as a potential apology.

"Oh not at all, I work from home, I was just taking care of some things. I would love to come over for dinner, I'm afraid I don't get out much these days."

"Excellent. I'll let Ashley know."

We exchanged phone numbers and some more small talk, he thanked me again - and we and said our goodbyes.

The week passed relatively quickly, and on Saturday night we found ourselves sitting down at our dinner table with Richard. The wine flowed and the glazed pork loin that Ashley cooked was devoured by the three of us. We discussed a number of topics ranging from careers and politics to entertainment and hobbies. Richard seemed to really love kids, despite not having any of his own - and admired Ashley for working with them on a day to day basis. Richard himself was a writer of sorts. He provided articles and short stories to a number of online outlets who contracted him on a case by case basis - it seemed to make him a good living. When he heard that I was a finance manager he actually seemed interested in attaining my help in setting up some investments. He had never dabbled in the market, and it was apparently something that always interested him.

"I really do love what you've done with the place." Richard also spent a portion of the evening complimenting Ashley's taste and her abilities as a homemaker. "I was over here a couple times when the last tenant occupied it. Let's just say its a night and day difference."

My wife smiled at him as she took the last sip of wine from her glass "Thanks a lot Richard. I spent a good amount of time planning it out. I'm glad someone's taken notice."

"A designers eye, for certain." He smiled back, and wiped his mouth clean with his napkin.

One thing that I couldn't help but notice was a sort of relaxed energy in the room. Even during the move, upon initially meeting Richard, we seemed to get along with him as if we'd known him for years. Ashley took to him immediately, joking with him, and much to my surprise - flirting with him. Smiling at him with excited eyes or jokingly complimenting his strength while he positioned furniture for us. Richard didn't really instigate any of it, he was respectful, but obviously felt the need to return her smiles and go with the flow. I mean, just like any man - I caught him stealing plenty of glances at Ash. It didn't bother me though. I was very much used to seeing men ogle over or flirt with my wife, I would have gone insane if I let those sort of provocations bother me. But it was sort of out of the ordinary for Ash to be the initiator when it came to flirting, and I planned to give her a hard time about it later.

"So, Richard. Are you, um, dating - or seeing anyone?" Ashley asked with raised eyebrow. The question was a tad forward, although harmless, and I jokingly scolded her for asking it.

"...Now now Ash, that's personal..."

Richard chuckled "No, no. It's quite alright." He took another sip of the Cabernet, and continued "Not really, to be honest. It took a good five years after my wife passed to even think about another woman's company. A few of my friends eventually got me to go on a date, and then another. Over the last few years I've seen a handful of women, but only for brief stints." He paused, seemingly thinking for a moment "... I haven't made much of an effort really."

Ashley was now standing and picking up the plates from our table. "Well, that's too bad. You seem like quite the catch." I stood to help her with the silverware.

Richard smiled again, slightly chuckling "Well... My goodness. That certainly means a lot coming from a woman as beautiful and talented as yourself." He looked in my direction for a moment. "John, I don't think I'd be the first to tell you that you're a lucky man." He raised his wine class in acknowledgement. I looked at Ashley for a moment and caught her blushing.

"You certainly wouldn't be. I'm not the smartest man in the world, but I'm certainly smart enough to know that I'm the luckiest." I leaned in and gave my wife a heavy kiss on her cheek.

Ashley replied with a sarcastic, but loving "Aww. Isn't that sweet." she raised her hand to her face, shielding her mouth from me. She spoke in a fake whisper so that I could hear "Psst.. He's lying."

Richard began laughing as he stood. He picked up his plate and moved towards the kitchen. "You guys remind me of my wife and I, when we were newlyweds - it's really great to see."

"Richard don't you dare help clean up." Ashley playfully swatted at his arm. "Let me have that. Go have a seat in the living room."

He gently dropped the plate and put his arms up in amusement "Yes ma'am. Don't know what I was thinking." I couldn't help but notice that my wife's ass grazed against his trousers as they moved past each other. Richard gently grabbed her waist as he slid past her. Ashley's eyes darted open for a moment, but she continued placing the dishes in the sink as if nothing happened.

The meal was over and I was in the mood for an after dinner drink, "Come Richard. Would you be opposed to a nice scotch? I have a 30 year and I've been looking for an excuse to crack it open. Received it as a gift." I waved his attention towards the living room.

"Oh wow, a thirty year? I could never say no." He followed me towards the sofa, where we both sat.

Ash called from the kitchen "Guys, do you want it on the rocks, or straight?"

Richard looked at me and then replied, loudly so she could hear him "Straight please." I nodded in agreement, couldn't in good faith water down a thirty year malt.

A few minutes later Ashley arrived with two glasses of scotch. I quickly noticed that the top of her dress was soaking wet, causing the thin green fabric to appear sheer. Her black bra was as clear as day underneath it, the skin on her exposed cleavage was also drenched. She was moving in a hurry.

"Here take these, the sink just attacked me." She quickly handed one drink to me, and one to Richard. Richard couldn't help but stare as she leaned forward, her tits nearly spilling out of the top of her dress. It seemed to catch him off guard, because as she turned to go he continued to gaze at her ass, which was admittedly popping in the tight dress she was wearing.

I didn't want to make it awkward for him, so I simply called out "Don't drown in there babe." That seemed to get him to break away from his tunnel vision, turning his attention back towards me.

Richard hung around for another half hour or so, enjoying the scotch and discussing sports and his love of basketball. He was incredibly thankful in his departure, shaking my hand firmly and giving Ashley a kiss on the cheek. "Incredible meal, and an incredible couple." were his departing words.

Later that week Ashley and I were cleaning up around the apartment, playfully annoying each other during our respective tasks.

I decided now would be a good time to press her on her flirtation with Richard, smacking her ass as she bent down to dust an end table "You know... I think you might have a crush on our new neighbor." I smirked smugly as I spoke.

Ashley immediately stood up "Excuse me? Who?" I made a face at her implying a sort of 'Who else?', and she quickly realized who I meant "... Richard?! What on earth would make you say that?"

I continued smirking "I dunno, maybe it was you giggling at his every word, or you being especially touchy, or you going on about his strong arms..." I rattled off the evidence with auctioneer like speed.

[theliterateape]

A Merry Christmas Punch/CounterPunch On the Sensitive Topic of One Mr. George Bailey, Part Two

(This piece was performed at BUGHOUSE! in Las Vegas at Bunkhouse on December 23, 2019. It is a rebuttal to Don Hall’s piece about what a horrible person George Bailey is. Audience members were handed scripts in the moment to read out loud. Clarence Oddbody was played by Kelly. The bartender was played by Dylan the bartender. Don Hall was played by Don Hall.) 

 It’s A Wonderful Joe

By Joe Janes

Joe: Of course, George Bailey is a good person. This is such a slam dunk. He’s played by Jimmy Stewart who is also a good person. George Bailey saved his little brother Harry’s life who went on to be a war hero by killing as many Japanese people he could. George also saved somebody else because Mr. Gower, the drunk grieving pharmacist, put poison into pill form. George Bailey saved his boss’s ass. Gower stopped drinking and, hopefully, learned not to keep jars of poison right next to medicine. Who does that? That’s day one of pharmacy school – medicine here, poison way, way, way over there maybe not in the same room. George’s relationship with Mary wasn’t some love-at-first sight Hollywood malarkey. It built over time; they grew to love one another. It was earned and lasted, and it only got a little rape-y when she was hiding naked in a bush and he was using her robe for leverage for what we don’t know exactly. Fortunately, his father died of a heart attack and that got him out of there. 

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. It’s just so hard to argue something I no longer believe. Don Hall is right. George Bailey is not a good person. He never took a single step outside of Bedford Falls. His family lives in a drafty old house that he used to throw rocks at. He has a kid named Zuzu. Zuzu—short for Pazuzu, the demon from The Exorcist… I just, I can’t. He puts shredded coconut on his ice-cream for fuck’s sake. That’s just horrible. I never should have agreed to do this. I wish I had never agreed to do this. Do you hear me, God? I wish I had never done Bughouse.

Clarence: Your prayers have been answered, Joe Janes. 

Joe: What do you mean?

Clarence: You never did your piece about George Bailey being a good person at the Bughouse show. 

Joe: Who are you?

Clarence: My name is Clarence Oddbody. I’m an angel, second class. By helping you, I’ll get my wings.

Joe: What kind of name is Oddbody? Irish?

Clarence: I’m called Oddbody because, well, take a look. I have a third nipple, my knees bend backwards, and my nut sack looks like a russet potato covered with eyes. Real eyes. The kind that stare at you. I’m hundreds of years old. People were named quite literally back then. Just ask Honest Abe Lincoln’s postmaster general, Caleb P. Openumbrellaanus. 

Joe: And you’re an angel?

Clarence: That’s usually the first question people ask. Yes. I’m an angel. And I granted your wish. You never performed your piece at Bughouse. 

Joe: So, I can just leave the stage like it never happened?

Clarence: Like it never happened because it never did happen.

Joe: Cool. I’m going to go get a drink. Barkeep, I would like a frosty beverage. And perhaps a mulled wine for my angel friend.

Bartender: I can’t. I’m no longer a bartender. You never did your piece. Don Hall told everyone what a piece of shit George Bailey was and that was it. Itconvinced me there was no hope and that I will die never knowing what love is. I’m a spinster, now…and a librarian.  

Joe: But, you’re right here behind the bar and Don only did his piece a few minutes ago.

Bartender: It’s not my fault your premise is flawed. Now, unless you have a book toreturn or to check out, please move along. 

Joe: But…

Bartender: Move along!

Joe: This can’t be happening. Don! Don! Tell me this isn’t happening.

Don: Who are you?

Joe: It’s Joe. Joe Janes, your friend from Chicago. I came to Las Vegas to do Bughouse. You don’t remember me?

Don: I remember you. I’m shunning you. My friend Joe from Chicago never did Bughouse.

Clarence: See, you prayed that you never did Bughouse and so-

Joe: We get it, Clarence! We get it. 

Don: I was very excited to have you on the show. You’re the most brilliant writer I know. Ruggedly handsome, yet sophisticated, like Captain Picard and George Clooney had a threesome with cyborg Cary Grant who carried you to term like a pregnant male seahorse. More importantly, you were and had always been my friend. Remember that time I wanted to move because everyone in town thought I was a floozie? You gave me $2,000 and wished me luck. Had it not been for you, I would have become a dime-a-dance guy. I still charge ten cents a dance. Two dollars for hand jobs. But I do it because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to. Not doing your piece at Bughouse was like someone dug a hole in my heart with a spork and pooped in it. Pooped filled with thumbtacks, ghost peppers, and old man diapers. I was so distraught from you bailing on the show that I got a migraine. I went home and instead of taking aspirin, I accidentally took poison. 

Joe: How did you accidentally take poison?

Don: I keep it right next to the medicine like everyone does.

Joe: Nobody does that!

Don: Well, I do and now I’m dead. Thanks.

Joe: Clarence! Clarence! Change it all back. Please, change it all back. I want to be able to buy beer at Bunkhouse. I want Don to be not dead. I can be okay with people putting shredded coconut on ice-cream. Maybe. I’ll do my piece at Bughouse. Change it all back.

Clarence: Okay, Joe. It’s all changed back.

Joe: Really! Just like that?

Clarence: Just like that.

Joe: That’s great! Hello, Bunkhouse! Hello, ol’ bar. Hello, bartender! Hello, live Don Hall! I’ll tell you why George Bailey is a good person! He always, ALWAYS, put other people before himself. His family, his friends, the people of Bedford Falls. George Bailey was the least selfish person and he devoted his life to helping people live their dreams. George Bailey had friends. Lots of them. He cared about people and they cared right back because “No man who has friends is a failure.”

(Clarence rings a bell)

Joe: Clarence, did you get your wings?

Clarence: No, I’m still waiting for them. I ordered them 20 god damn minutes ago. They stopped serving food when you turned the bar into a library. I’d like my jumbo wings, now, please!

Joe: Merry Christmas, everyone! Merry Christmas!

Clarence: (Rings bell repeatedly) Give me my mother fucking wings, Bunkhouse!

Joe: And scene.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Questions About Fuel Efficiency, Savings Bonds, Materialism, and More!

Whats inside? Here are the questions answered in todays reader mailbag, boiled down to summaries of five or fewer words. Click on the number to jump straight down to the question. 1. Trading up for fuel efficiency 2. Average age of credit accounts 3. Switching to one vehicle 4. Found this great stock! 5. Canadian pharmacies 6. The rental lifestyle 7. Investing in treasury notes 8. Toaster oven purchase 9. Series EE savings bonds? 10. Spotify worth it? 11. Library book sale excess 12. Books on curbing materialism I regularly spend a lot of time thinking about ideas that are really useful in shaping my life as a whole, with personal finance as a significant part of that life. The challenge for me is relating those ideas in a context so that their value to my financial life is clear. I basically see life as a series of interconnected areas. Physical health. Mental health. Focus and concentration. Spirituality. Intellectual ideas. Marriage. Parenting. Key social relationships. Community relationships. Hobbies. Finances. All of those things are interconnected. All of those areas have at least one strong connection between each of those other areas. Your finances do not live in a bubble. I could literally write an article on the connection between any two of those things. In fact, I might actually write an article about each of those areas and how they connect to finances. Because of that perspective, when I find an idea thats really useful in one area, it turns out that the idea is often useful in many other areas as well because it tugs on those connections. For The Simple Dollar, Im interested in all of those things, but Im particularly interested in exploring that areas connection to finances and how that improvement lifts up ones financial state. That goes alongside topics that are focused largely on financial benefits, like frugality topics. The truth is that if I didnt see those connections to finances and I didnt realize how much the other areas of my life support good healthy financial habits, financial independence would be a far more difficult journey. While the actual mechanical steps for improving ones finances are easy, maintaining them requires strong connections and support from the other areas in life, which is something Ive really come to appreciate in recent years. Its all connected. On with the questions. Q1: Trading up for fuel efficiency I am trying to make a decision about trading in my vehicle for a more gas efficient one. My daily driver is a Jeep Wrangler and while I enjoy driving it, it isnt so great on gas mileage. I currently relocated to California where gas prices are higher than my previous home in Texas. With my commute to work alone (approx. 40 miles) I spend about $100 a week on gas. My Jeep is paid off, but Im wondering if it makes sense to trade it in for something that does a little better on the gas mileage front. Crunching the numbers, it makes sense to think about trading it in but I really enjoy having the vehicle. Any suggestions on making a decision about getting rid of something you love for the greater good of saving money? Rick Based on my guesstimation as to the age of your Jeep Wrangler, it looks like it gets about 15 miles per gallon on average. That lines up well with your $100 a week in gas costs given your commute and the assumption that you use it for a few other things. If you swapped it for a Toyota Prius, for example, your fuel costs go down to about $30 a week, as a Prius approaches 50 miles per gallon. Over the course of a month, thats about $280 in savings. Its probably going to be cheaper in terms of insurance, too. The thing Id ask myself when comparing the Jeep and the fuel efficient car is what exactly you get out of the Jeep that you wont get out of the fuel efficient car, and is that difference worth $300 a month to you? That is the lens through which I would evaluate that purchase. What I usually find in situations like this is that the lower cost item often has much of what I like in the higher cost item and breaking it down to paying a lot of money for relatively minor features seems silly. Its also worth noting that you actually have more options here than just keep the Jeep or sell it and get a very fuel efficient car like a Prius. You also have the option of moving closer to where you work which saves a lot on fuel regardless of what vehicle you have and cuts down the time invested in your commute. You might also look for work closer to where you live if moving isnt an option for some reason. There are lots of things to consider here. Q2: Average age of credit accounts Instead of opening a new account which would lower the average age of my credit accounts, should I increase my credit limit on a secured card? Currently it is at $800. I could deposit another $200-$300 to raise my limit. Stephen Its not the average age of your credit accounts that really matters in terms of your credit score. Its the age of your oldest active account that matters. There is a minor negative impact on your credit score from opening a new line of credit, but its minor and short lived. Often, that impact is counterbalanced by having a better debt-to-credit ratio (meaning the sum total of your credit card balances divided by the sum total of your credit limits). If you open a new card with no balance, your total credit limit goes up but your debt stays the same, this improving your credit score (this only works to a certain extent, but will definitely work if youve only got one card and are opening a second one). In your shoes, I would definitely open an unsecured card if youve been handling the secured card well for a while. I wouldnt close the secured card for a while, though. Leave them both open, then close the secured one (and get your deposit back) in a few years. Q3: Switching to one vehicle While evaluating my year-end financial moves, I wondered if I could switch down to one vehicle to cut expenses. A Google search led me to an article you wrote on eliminating one car. Id like to give you some information and get your thoughts on it. I live alone and travel regionally for work. I bought my second vehicle in late 2017 to tow a trailer with my sons racing kart. I can probably drop the full coverage insurance on the vehicles to save some money. I have a 2010 Honda Civic with 248,702 miles on it. I get about 32 mpg and drove 34,529 miles last year. I had $1933.36 in necessary repairs last year. The 2018 annual insurance was $467, the 2019 cost is projected to be $594. I also have a 2006 Honda Ridgeline with 147,422 miles on it. I get about 20 mpg when I am not using it to tow and drove 4,851 miles last year. It may be higher but I only used it when needed. I had $572.07 in necessary repairs last year. The 2018 annual insurance was $148, the 2019 cost is projected to be $301. Kevin If you think its possible with your lifestyle to cut down to one vehicle, you probably can do so. Its usually professional constraints or other life constraints that keep people from being able to pull it off, so if you dont see such an issue in your life, you can probably do this. The big issue I see is that the Civic is going to be far better for commuting, but the Civic cant tow. Do you have any other option for towing that cart? Do you have a solution in place for what the Ridgeline does for you if you drop it? If you do (or if you come to the conclusion that you dont need the towing ability), then Id drop that Ridgeline like a hot potato and keep the Civic. As many miles as youre driving, the fuel efficiency of the Civic is going to save you a ton of money on gas versus driving the Ridgeline that much. I think that if you drop the Civic and keep the 2006 Ridgeline and put almost 40,000 miles a year on it, the gas costs are going to be stupendous. My back of the envelope math says youre better off keeping both cars as they are right now rather than switching to an all-Ridgeline solution. Q4: Found this great stock! Heres a brain teaser for Trent: My boyfriend bought shares of MORL about two years ago and put it on automatic DRIP. Now he gets about $600 a month on average gross. I studied this stock and I just dont really understand it, but it seems like its just about like printing money!! But if it is so great why isnt everybody in it? So dont publish this on your Q&A thing, because I want to keep this quiet. Not looking for a pump and dump scenario, just wondered your thoughts on it. Anna MORL is the stock ticker name for UBS ETRACS Monthly Pay 2xLeveraged Mortgage REIT ETN. Basically, its a bundle of mortgages put together by UBS using borrowed money. Imagine that someone borrows $100,000 to buy an investment. They owe interest on that loan, but theyre fine as long as the investment offers a better return on that loan. Now, imagine you used that investment as collateral for an even bigger loan, which you then used to buy control of mortgages, so that people paying their mortgage bills are actually now writing the checks to you. You can often buy mortgages at below face value a $200,000 mortgage might be on sale for $150,000 or whatever if someone needs money fast, so if that mortgage ends up getting paid off, you make $200,000 plus the interest over the course of a few years. This is a great way to multiply your money, but its really risky. If enough people stop paying their mortgages, you are in bad, bad shape because you cant afford to pay the interest on the loans you have. The whole thing falls apart. Thats what MORL is. MORL is an extremely risky investment that only works well while the housing market is stable and interest rates are low. Its double-leveraged and uncollateralized housing debt, which basically means that if people were to suddenly have difficulty paying their mortgages (like what happened in 2007 and 2008) MORL is going to tank hard. Double-leveraged essentially means it rises twice as high when things are going well and falls twice as hard when things are not going well. I would not hold that investment for anything I was relying on for the future. If youre playing around with investments with money you can afford to lose, sure, but thats basically to gambling. Q5: Canadian pharmacies Im curious about your opinion on Canadian (or other foreign) pharmacies. My husband used them back in the day while caring for his mother. I tried one or two and wound up (computer) virus laden. Are there any good sites for Canadian pharmacies? Is it better to go straight to Canada for better prices? Doug So, heres the deal. Bringing prescription drugs into the United States from Canada is illegal under the Prescription Drug Marketing Act of 1987. However, because of the vagaries of having to deal with every special case of people living along the US-Canadian border, the DEA and the border patrol do not really enforce the law provided youre getting 90 days or less of a prescription filled and its not a narcotic. Basically, they just look the other way because its easier than dealing with the specifics of a case and the bad press that would come from taking away an 87 year olds arthritis prescription or a diabetic persons insulin. To exploit this loophole actually, just an unenforced law a lot of online pharmacies have popped up supposedly dealing in Canadian pharmaceuticals, but a lot of them are pretty dodgy. Theyre already doing something illegal but unenforced and its a market that reputable companies will largely stay out of because the whole thing relies on the US government not enforcing its laws. You may be able to luck out and find a reputable seller online, but there are a lot of sharks in the water because its actually illegal. Id avoid it unless youre actually going to Canada and buying the prescription drugs in person there, buying a small amount, and then coming home. Even then, youre breaking the law, but its a law thats not been enforced for a while. Q6: The rental lifestyle We are at retirement age and are thinking about buying a 5th wheel as our home for a number of years, as we are late to the savings game. It seems that used vehicles are the same price as new, and all of them expensive. What do you think about this alternative lifestyle choice that doesnt include real property? Amber It seems reasonable. I have met many people who have retired to a camper or a trailer. Many of those wind up parking semi-permanently at a campground and serve as campground hosts, so it doesnt seem like that unusual of a choice to me. (This shouldnt be surprising our family goes camping somewhere probably half a dozen times a year.) I think the key is to be sure youve priced everything out and be open to part-time work, both as a way to make ends meet and as a way to fill your time. I also know a lot of retirees who find themselves without much to do to fill their hours once theyre retired. If it seems appealing and the math works out, go for it. Thats my advice. Q7: Investing in treasury notes Question for you: I recently recovered some unclaimed property that I had lost to the state 12 years ago that they sold 8 years ago. I lost dividends for 12 years and lost the value the stock rose after it was liquidated. I wish to make up for my mistakes, so I was thinking of investing the money in T bills as I could use more stable investments. Do you have any opinions on T bills? Amy My feelings on US treasuries are that theyre about as stable as can be in terms of an investment but the returns they offer are really low these days, so low that theyre often matched by savings accounts. Theyre rock-solid and they do offer a tiny return thats as guaranteed as can be in this world, but the return is so small that I would not bank on them as a long term investment. You dont want to lock your money up for many years in treasuries that are returning less than 3% unless you truly need something rock solid. At this point, Id probably just put the money in a savings account or a money market account instead and buy them when interest rates rebound. The question of what kind of stability you need in your overall investments is something I cant judge without seeing your full portfolio. Q8: Toaster oven purchase Im hoping youll evaluate a recent purchase using your buy it for life philosophy. This detailed evaluation is overkill for a single, cheap purchase, but it would be valuable to have a good strategy for similar future purchases. I needed a new 4-slice toaster oven and decided to buy one at Walmart during a weekly shopping trip. Given the low price, I couldnt justify spending the time or gas on a trip to another store. I also didnt think Id find many quality online reviews of sub-$30 toaster ovens. The options that satisfied the size and features criteria were a $20 Mainstays brand model or a $25 Black & Decker brand model. I was skeptical that the Black & Decker model would last 25% longer, or be 25% more effective. Second, a toaster oven is relatively simple I doubted there was any game changing technology that B&D incorporated into this model that the cheaper version lacked. My cynical mind also suspected the B&D model was only branded as such after being manufactured in a random factory. I bought the cheaper model. What would you have done differently? Kevin I would have bought the cheaper model, but I would have probably waited a week and scoped out the local Goodwill first and bought whatever I could find there, as you can usually find toaster ovens there. Aside from the Goodwill caveat, I basically agree with your way of thinking. I might have done some homework on toaster ovens beforehand by looking at Consumer Reports or other guides, but honestly, theyre simple devices to perform a simple task and arent overly expensive, so youre probably fine in this case. While I have no evidence for it, youre probably right on the relabeled Black and Decker. Many items like this are functionally identical inside and have just a slightly different case on the outside. There really isnt a whole lot of variance in toaster oven internal parts. Q9: Series EE savings bonds? I have been buying series EE savings bonds for my grandson for years. My son says that theyre not a good investment right now and that a better gift for his future is to contribute to a 529. Thoughts? Amber I agree with your son. Series EE get very low returns right now; theyre best in environments with high inflation and high interest rates, neither of which is true at the moment. With a 529, the money can be invested more aggressively for much better long term returns if the account manager so chooses. My only qualm here is the gift horse in the mouth issue. I hope that this discussion was a tactful one. Its hard to say from the description. I consider complaining about a gift to be a pretty rude move. If you have a relative giving savings bonds and would rather they contribute that money to a 529 for your childs future, thank them for the bond, wait for a while, and then have a conversation with them about how youre saving for your childs college education. Mention that anyone can contribute to the fund, but let the gift-giver decide what to do with their gift. Its their choice, not yours. Q10: Spotify worth it? I used to listen to the radio constantly. There used to be a radio station near here that played great music of a wide variety, from rock to bluegrass. The station was sold and now plays modern bland country music. I have tried listening to other stations but havent found anything I like. Considering trying Spotify or XM but wary of adding a monthly fee. Are they worth it? Ashley We have a Spotify account that we use as a family. It is often being streamed through speakers in our family room or in our daughters bedroom. My feeling is that such an account is worth it if you listen to a lot of music and want it to just stream and mix up song selections on its own without ads. If you dont listen very often, I wouldnt subscribe. My suggestion would be to try Spotify with a 30 day trial offer heres the link. Set a reminder on your phone 27 days from now that reminds you to cancel it if youre not using it. Then, install the app and try using it as you would a radio. My best experience has been with an inexpensive Bluetooth speaker. Q11: Library book sale excess Our local library has a book sale every year where you can go in on the last day and fill up a box for $2 which I have done for years. I finally realized that I had filled up half of our spare bedroom with books Ill never read from those sales. I would end up grabbing 4-5 that Id actually read and 40 that I wont. What do I do with all of these books? I dont want to throw them away. Anna My first suggestion would be to have a super cheap yard sale. If your town has a community wide yard sale, announce that youre selling books, put them all out there for a quarter each on the first day, then knock it down to a dime each the second day, then a nickel each the third day. People will clean them up if you advertise it a little. Another suggestion is to start dropping them in little free libraries around town. Just take some with you and whenever you see a little free library, stick one or two of those books in there. Itll put that book in the hands of someone who will read it. If nothing else, you can always donate used books to Goodwill or the Salvation Army. Theyll almost always accept used book donations. Q12: Books on curbing materialism Something Im struggling with is my relationship with stuff. Ive been thinking about it a lot lately. I think I feel like to some extent that my worth as a person is tied up in the stuff that I have, like I cant really enjoy books without a large personal book collection or I cant really be a good home chef without a lot of kitchen gear. The thought of getting rid of stuff really hurts because I feel like Im agreeing to be worse at something or less at something. I think this is a feeling youre familiar with. Do you have any advice or any books on how to curb this way of thinking? I need to stop accumulating stuff and start downsizing. Jim The easy answer would be the ever-popular Marie Kondo book, but I think youre asking a somewhat different question than what shes answering. I have three suggestions for where I think youre at, ranging from the more practical to the more philosophical. The first is The More of Less by Joshua Becker, which is definitely the most practical of the three books Im suggesting here. Beckers key argument is that owning too much stuff keeps you from the experiences you want to have because youre constrained by space and clutter. Thus, take the approach that even a small fraction of your stuff represents more than a lifetimes worth of experiences and pass on the remainder to those who will value it. It only takes a small fraction of the stuff you have to represent your life. The second is Goodbye, Things by Fumio Sasaki, which is in the middle in that its a mix of philosophical and practical. This book, to me, focused on the connection between your sense of well being and the environment you inhabit and how that interconnection flows both ways. While it dives into practical steps, it focuses on how those steps reveal and promote a symbiosis between your own well being and your immediate environment. The final book is very philosophical Erich Fromms To Have or To Be? Fromm steps back from the practical but rather dives in a very thoughtful way into why we accumulate things. His argument is that we do so because we view them as a shortcut to a particular type of experience we yearn for, but that the item often serves as a substitute for that experience, an empty calorie that leaves us unfulfilled. This book ends up being an argument for experience rather than possession and I found it to be the most convincing but least directly practical of the three. Read this one to feed your thinking and inspiration; read the others for more connections to practical steps. Got any questions? The best way to ask is to follow me on Facebook and ask questions directly there. Ill attempt to answer them in a future mailbag (which, by way of full disclosure, may also get re-posted on other websites that pick up my blog). However, I do receive many, many questions per week, so I may not necessarily be able to answer yours. https://www.thesimpledollar.com/questions-about-fuel-efficiency-savings-bonds-materialism-and-more/

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9 Ways a Clean Eating Diet Can Help You Feel Better

A poor diet can leave you feeling sluggish, groggy, and lethargic.

You may even find your cravings for junk food are actually stronger, rather than satisfied, after indulging in salty or sweet snacks; unfortunately, your health and your waistline will pay the price.

With all the diet fads out there, it can be difficult to weed through the hype and find concrete information on what you should be eating, what you should be avoiding, and most importantly, why to do either.

Outlined below are 9 ways a clean eating diet can help increase your energy, reduce bloat, improve your health, and maybe even slim your figure– all while making you feel stronger, more focused, and in-tune with your body’s needs.

Clean Up Your Eating Habits

There are many different opinions out there on what constitutes a “clean” diet.

In general, and broadly speaking, clean eating means to focus on nutrient-rich, whole foods. It suggests you minimize pre-packaged, overly processed foods, and it encourages you to make your food from fresh, natural ingredients whenever possible.

It is imperative to note that however you would like to interpret those guidelines is entirely up to you.

Some people choose a paleo strategy, some prefer a vegan diet, and some find their body responds best when they limit dairy.

Either way you need to choose a path that fits your lifestyle, and give yourself permission to be flexible. Once you start to weed out the processed, high-sodium, -fat, and -sugar foods, you will find it easier to pinpoint which options agree and disagree with your unique tastes.

1. Protein = Satisfaction

Some examples of lean protein include chicken, turkey, white fish, beans, lentils, and low- or no-fat dairy. Proteins are the building blocks of your muscles and help make up other structures within your body such as skin and cell membranes.

Protein is slow to digest in the stomach, which helps you to feel fuller longer, and will keep hunger at bay between meals.

Because lean proteins have a low fat content, they are subsequently lower in calories, making them easy to incorporate into any meal. For example, throw some hard-boiled eggs and chopped chicken breast into a salad and it goes from rabbit food to a filling meal.

2. Scrub Your Intestines

Fiber, or roughage, is important for keeping your digestive tract moving smoothly; it is like a scrub brush for your intestines.

While that may sound a bit harsh, both literally and figuratively, it is exactly what people are looking for in popular cleanses and fasts, but without the drastic measures and high costs.

Older adults especially, can get deposits of build-up in their intestines which cannot only lead to major discomfort, but is also been known to cause colon cancer and other significant health problems.

Fiber also naturally helps regulate your blood sugar levels. Without the spikes and dips that accompany a processed diet, your cravings for sweets will remain regulated and on an even keel. This can not only help your metabolism stay humming throughout the day, but it can be a huge emotional and mental relief as well.

A healthy portion of fruits, vegetables, peas, whole-grain foods, and beans are all great sources of fiber. These foods have also been linked to a decrease in the risk of cancer and heart disease, due to their fiber content specifically.

3. Skip Added Sugar

One way to clean up your diet is to start limiting the amount of added sugars you consume throughout the day.

Fruit naturally contains the sugar fructose; when you are looking for a sweet treat around the house, reach for a fresh piece of fruit for a satisfying snack instead of a candy bar or sugary, baked confection.

The sugar-type fructose is a form of carbohydrate. It will give you that boost of energy you may be looking for during your mid-afternoon slump, but without the blood sugar hike, and subsequent crash, of sugary candies.

It is important to note that sugar hides in many foods parading around as “healthy.”

Many popular brands of yogurt or granola bars, for example, can have an astronomical amount of added refined sugar. Be sure to read food labels and steer clear of any foods with a sugar content in the double-digits.

4. Cut Back on Saturated Fat

Less than 10% of your total daily calories consumed should come from saturated fatty acids. Total fat intake, of all types, should be between 20 and 35% of all calories. That means that if you are following a 2,000 calories per day diet, no more than 700 of those calories should be from fats; this equates to an absolute maximum of about 77 grams of fat per day.

Please read food labels; many people will find a heavy portion of those 77 grams in their “healthy” salad dressing alone!

One helpful fact is that most saturated fats are solid at room temperature. Think about the white fat on bacon and other meats versus the healthier oils (also fats), such as olive oil, that are liquid at room temperature. This is an easy way to keep yourself in check with how much saturated fat you are consuming; you can often literally see the fat in many popular foods.

5. High Salt Means High Blood Pressure

The recommendation by the AHA (American Heart Association) is no more than 2,300mgs (about 1 teaspoon) of salt for adults, but they set an “ideal” limit of no more than 1,500mgs.

Far too many people reach this limit in a single meal alone, especially if they are eating out at restaurants often.

Salt enters the blood stream and disrupts the balance of electrolytes in the body, making it difficult for the kidneys to do their job. To be fair, a low potassium intake is just as likely to cause high blood pressure as an excess in salt might. However, so many people consume prepackaged foods as part of their everyday diet and still have no idea how much salt they are really consuming.

Salt is used a preservative in many foods; years ago, meats were even packed in salt to extend their shelf life.

Now, so much natural flavor is cooked out of foods during the manufacturing process, that salt is added to heighten the flavor that is left. This is why the spaghetti sauce you make at home can have drastically less salt and yet loads more flavor than the same sauce bought pre-cooked in a jar or can from the store.

Lastly, high salt intake causes your body to hold onto water as a way to dilute the sodium absorbed into your body and its tissues.

This is the reason behind that post-meal bloat you may feel up to two days after a salt-heavy meal, such as a dinner of a burger and fries from a popular chain restaurant.

6. Indulge in Complex Carbohydrates

One of the most popular diet misconceptions you will find these days is that the answer to weight loss is to eat less carbohydrates.

This is totally true if what you are eating is highly-processed, sugar-laden foods made in a factory. It is not true, however, if you are consuming nutritious, fiber-dense, complex carbohydrates that provide your body with fuel and energy.

Carbohydrates are the go-to fuel for organ activity; this includes the heart, skeletal muscles, and in particular, the brain.

White bread, bleached flour, and other processed carbohydrates are the ones to avoid when you are looking to clean up your diet.

These have little-to-no fiber and turn into sugar and then fat when not used as energy; they also likely contain many added sugars. However, fresh vegetables, 100% whole grain breads, lentils, beans, and whole potatoes are excellent sources, of energy and fuel for your body and mind.

7. Hold Out for Homemade

Here is a fact that will both astonish and astound you: legally, food labels and calorie counts on packaged foods and in restaurants only have to be accurate within 30%.

This means that if you choose to indulge in an entrée listed as a whopping 1,000 calories, it may actually contain as many as 1,300 calories, and this does not always account for the butter and oils used to grease pans during cooking.

At home, you can create the same dishes with far less of an impact on your health.

There are endless healthy-food swaps you can make to decrease calories and increase your intake of vital nutrients.

Some examples would be using condensed milk in the place of heavy cream in recipes, cauliflower in place of rice for a low-carb alternative (if you are into that sort of thing), or a quick spray of olive oil to prep a pan instead of a pat of butter.

Quite possibly the best parts of cooking at home is that you have the ability to alter recipes to meet your liking, and you can save hundreds of dollars each month with proper planning.

Some things to keep in mind if you are trying to save money on groceries is to shop farmer’s markets for fresh produce, buy foods that are in-season for peak freshness and the best value, and when necessary, opt for frozen foods over canned; frozen vegetables tend to be flash-frozen at the peak of ripeness, increasing their nutrient content when compared to their canned counterparts.

8. Boost Your Antioxidant Intake

If eating a diet low in saturated fat is cleansing for your arteries and heart, and eating a fiber-rich diet is cleansing for your gut, then antioxidant-rich foods promote the same type of health benefits for your body’s cells.

The long and short of it is this: oxidants are radicals found in the environment through some unavoidable circumstances such as air pollution, but also from lifestyle choices such as alcohol, cigarette smoke.

These oxidants have been know to cause damage to our cells, possibly leading to diseases and certain cancers. Antioxidants, however, perform just as their name implies; they help balance the oxidants to a healthy level that the body can handle.

A popular tactic of modern food manufacturers is to boast the health benefits of their food on labels. Buzz words like “anti-aging” and “cancer-fighting” appear on packages as a way to draw you in. The truth is, none of these foods compare to the health benefits of whole foods in their natural state.

Grapes, blueberries, nuts, and yes, even chocolate (cocoa) contain nutrient-rich antioxidants that can help keep your cells healthy and your body operating with efficiency.

9. A Clean Kitchen Leads to a Clean Diet

Have you ever cleaned out your closet of all your old, unworn clothes?

After doing so, the next time you go to pick an outfit you open your closet doors you feel relief at the organization; suddenly you find yourself at ease in your own wardrobe! Now, imagine if opening your refrigerator or pantry made you feel the same way.

Many advocates of a clean eating diet are also fans of meal prepping.

To meal prep means to cook a batch of meals at once and save portions of them to eat throughout the week. This is ideal for people on-the-go or who often struggle with what to eat. You can cook once or twice a week and not have to worry about what to do for your next meal.

This works particularly well if you work during the day and want to be able to grab your breakfast or lunch on your way out the door.

While this strategy for weekday eating will definitely save you money and calories, the biggest benefit is the peace of mind and mental relief you may feel from taking the uncertainty out of the equation.

Many people find going out to eat stressful when they are trying to follow a clean diet. Others feel overwhelmed at the options at the grocery store and what to buy and cook at home. By preparing batches of food you can experiment with recipes, shop according to grocery store discounts and sales, and you will always have a healthy meal ready when in a pinch.

Clean Eating Can Clean Up Your Life

Clean eating can mean a number of different things to different people. Although, experts and nutritionists urge against cutting out any entire food group, such as fats or carbohydrates, from your diet.

At its core, clean eating is really about balance and fueling your body with nutrient-dense food that keeps your metabolism, muscles, and brain in peak performance.

Your body was designed as a well-oiled machine; it comes equipped with everything it needs to keep itself in gentle homeostasis, and the better quality fuel you feed it, the better you will feel.

Many people find that just by adopting a cleaner diet, they shed unwanted, excess pounds, lower cholesterol and blood pressure, and eventually find themselves being taken off diet-related medications.

As you delve deeper into what foods you choose to cut out and what foods you may want to add in to your diet, your tastes will change also.

You will eventually find your body craving the healthy stuff as much as you might have once craved the junk food you thought you could never live without. This transition may take time, however, so be patient with yourself.

Finally, a clean eating diet does not mean that you never get to indulge.

Food is about satisfying your body and its needs, even if that sometimes means a treat or guilty pleasure.

When you take care of your body every day, these instances will become that much more enjoyable–especially when they don’t leave you feeling sluggish and tired afterward. So, next time you get a craving… be sure you’re reaching for foods that are “clean”!

The post 9 Ways a Clean Eating Diet Can Help You Feel Better appeared first on Lifehack.

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We Tried the Reverse Holiday Diet

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We Tried the Reverse Holiday Diet

This piece was originally published in December 2015. Can you even freaking believe it? An oldie but a goodie, we wanted to share our joint holiday extravaganza. Honestly, it’s all for you, Seth Cohen.

Amelia is Jewish only when it is convenient. That is, if you call her on Yom Kippur, you can rest assured she is eating a sandwich and reminding you about her baptism. When Purim rolls around, though? She’s the queen of costumes and alcoholic beverage consumption. Eating at a restaurant and the special is tender pork belly? She’s on it! And then as though it never happened, there she is, smearing white fish over her bagel, gossiping about the girls from Bridge club.

But I’ve had it, you know? She’s never even attempted atonement. So this year, at the intersection of our faiths: she put on her Hanukkah hat, I test drove (without a license!) right down St. Nick’s lane. There was only rule, which was that Amelia would write a diet for me and I would write one for her.

Here is what she put together, annotated with my reactions.

1) You’re going to need some sort of tree, or a wreath, or at the very least something to decorate.

I cannot commit to bringing Christ into my home, but I will happily pose with a tree on 1st Street, which is close enough.

Leandra: 1, Christmas: 1, Amelia: dead.

2) You will exclusively play Christmas music, and it has to be playing non-stop.

This was absolutely no problem whatsoever — I listen to the Frank Sinatra and Ella Fitzgerald holiday stations on Pandora almost exclusively, which I mentioned in a post that went live on December 11th. Two for me, Glen Coco. But I hate peppermint.

3) Throw/Attend at least one ugly sweater themed party.

Does claiming ownership over a photo of Beyoncé in the ugliest sweater party sweater count as having completed this task?

4) Drink eggnog

No.

5) Watch: Love Actually, It’s a Wonderful Life, Elf, Home Alone (or please refer to this list)

I watched Home Alone at least six times. Catherine O’Hara has one of the craziest faces I have ever seen on television. It is so underrated that she asks a flight attendant at the airport in Paris if they could help her charter a private plane home to Kevin for Christmas. Also, here’s a fun fact: John Candy improvised that entire scene where he talks about leaving his kid at a funeral home in the polka polka van when they’re getting O’Hara home to Kev. As you can see, I murdered this movie dance floor.

6) Send at least a few Christmas cards.

I did you one better and sent Christmas gifts. Each came with a card, and every single one said the same thing:

Dear Recipient,

Merry Christmas!

Your Jewish friend with a soul made of gelt,

Leandra

And then I attached a phone number for the orthodox Jewish conversion hotline!

7) Bake festive cookies and bring to office

I defer to you, Amelia, to tell the community about the vegan, gluten free cookies that I made for the office. Leave all tales of chipped teeth out — thx.

8) Order/drink a holiday special at Starbucks. Here’s the 2015 lineup:

Caramel Brulée Latte. Chestnut Praline Latte. Christmas Cookie Latte. Eggnog Latte. Gingerbread Latte. Honey And Almond Hot Chocolate. Peppermint Mocha. Toffee Nut Latte.

Leandra and Christmas: 2, Leandra’s waist line: 4777387219.

9) COUNT DOWN THE DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS.

No. Why would I count down the days until the end of my favorite Pandora stations? You are a masochist and I won’t engage with your antics.

10) Dress festive (red/green/sparkly).

I defer to this.

And this.

And this!

And here’s an outfit I wore last Sunday night.

Johanna Ortiz polka dot top and pants

And now, for Amelia’s diet.

So I grew up half-Jewish.

The entire world seemed to buy this or at least let me live until I met Leandra Medine about six years ago and she told me this made no sense. Technically, I understood her reasoning. Theoretically, however, I understood mine more. Dad: Jewish. Mom: Catholic. Me: Guilty.

But whatever, it meant I did a little bit of it all: a first communion here, a cousin’s bar mitzvah there, Easter, Passover, Christmas and Hanukkah. I’ve got about 10% of the prayers on both sides memorized and mumble along with the rest, just like how I sing along to the 2nd verse of Brandy and Monica’s “The Boy is Mine.”

When this holiday season rolled around and Leandra and I decided to swap customs, I secretly assumed I’d win. Channukah was only 8 days long — Christmas starts the second Thanksgiving ends so technically, she was already behind.

But that right there was first mistake. Not assuming I’d win, of course, but in spelling Hanukkah. Chanukah. Ḥanukah. חנוכה. I mean how the fuck do you spell this word if Google gives you 8234567 versions?! Watch me explore the variety in my diet below.

Next came Leandra’s insane assignment list that was designed to raise my cholesterol, get me arrested for cocaine consumption and make me broke.

Behold — her instructions, copied & pasted verbatim, in bold, followed by my results and notes:

1) You must consume at least one powdered jelly donut every single day. You must also make sure that powdered residue remains above your top lip for at least 20 minutes post consumption.

Finding traditional powdered “sufganiyah” with strong-enough Yelp reviews in New York City proved more difficult than one might imagine, especially considering that I am lazy and hate walking into stores.

I ended up spending 20 excruciating minutes on the phone with Doughnut Plant to confirm that their Hanukah doughnuts were legit and another 20 excruciating dollars to have them delivered.

They sent me the wrong ones (these were covered in peanuts as opposed to powder) so unfortunately, no Pablo Escobar ‘stache. They were, however, filled with blackberry jelly. I ate both of course and consider this a win.

Also of note: Leandra baked cookies, and they were actually good. Since she’s Jewish, I now consider these Jewish cookies and give myself an extra credit point.

2) Light the Menorah every night starting tonight and recite the prayers. 

Arguably the most important part of this holiday, I only lit the candle once.

And on the 2nd day. However, my excuse is that upon calling my (Jewish) grandmother to wish her a Happy Hanukah, she told me that lighting candles was very dangerous and not to do it ever again.

2a) You should also tell everyone Kendallabra is trying to steal Hannukah’s thunder.

No, Leandra.

3) Give up meditation for a week and instead play dreidl (basically the same thing)

I don’t meditate (can you tell?!?!?!?!? EIieoSIHG OSHOUh!! ! ! ! !) so this was easy to give up. Meanwhile, dreidel — the 10th word in this “diet” with 100 different variations on its spelling — became my new favorite way to make noise in the office.

4) Eat potato pancakes for breakfast, tell people they’re latkes and that eating them sure beats doing homework.

Another culinary fail. The restaurant “ran out.” I was mad but I’m also half-Irish so I know the struggle of a potato famine well.

5) Buy me a gift every night for all eight nights

It’s the thought that counts?

6) Whenever asked how you’re doing this week, you must answer, “Wonderful! I am celebrating the miracle of light!” — and then go into the extensive Biblical narrative wherein the Maccabees light a menorah in the holy temple and the light lasts for eight days. Then interrupt yourself and say that this is just one of the stories we tell ourselves in order to live.

I opted out and wore a menorah hat instead.

6a) Remind people that though Joan Didion is not Jewish, her birthday does overlap with Hanukah this year.

Mostly I just reminded people how Thanksgiving coincided with Hanukah last year and repeatedly brought up Seth Cohen’s creation of Chrismukkah.

7) Learn to say “suvganiyot,” which means jelly donuts in hebrew.

Easy like the Internet.

8) Memorize the lyrics to this song, become a pubescent boy with the vocal talent of an angel on acid.

I remain a post-pubescent woman. However, I also much prefer the Maccabeats:

9) Stop spending US dollars, force vendors to take “gelt” (it’s gold coin chocolate)

Uber loved this!!!

10) Commit an orthodox conversion

Awkward…Christmas is coming soon, so no can do.

But you didn’t think I’d let myself lose, right?

Just like the Maccabees said — it’s a miracle.

Feature illustration by via The Miami Herald/MCT via Getty Images; collages by Krista Anna Lewis and Emily Zirimis.

[cook-the-beans]

For what I had read before going to Cuba I was expecting that a month there would be quite expensive, and definitely can be, but you can also travel on a tight budget.

I spent an average of 23€ a day, but I traveled with another person, so for solo travellers  this amount would be higher for sure, and of course everyone travels differently,  so no one ever has the same travel budget. I just put mine here as a reference, so you know that’s possible.

First tip, never take a no for an answer, it’s important to negotiate, and it’s normal to ‘argue’ and ‘get upset’, always always speak out, if the situation is not fair or reasonable. Other wise you will be paying more than in Switzerland or Norway.

Be prepared to sometimes be ignored in a cuban shop and to be always the last one to be served (but not in a touristic place) 😉

👉🏽 Money

Cuba has 2 different currencies – Cuban Peso (CUP) also known as moneda nacional MN and Cuban Convertible Peso (CUC)  (25CUP = $1 USD =1CUC). Foreigners CAN (and should) use CUP it is not illegal, so don’t believe if someone tells you the opposite.

Probably the best tip I can give is NEVER ask the prices in Cuba, expect Cubans to give you always the prices in CUCs and to see other tourists using only this currency. When you ask they know you are not sure… Assume always that the prices are in Pesos Cubanos (CUP), and pay for it straight away, the only exceptions are the touristic restaurants and bars, long-distance taxis , hotels/casas and tour operators, but you’ll realise that they always write CUC in front of the price. So if you see a menu (carta) with coffee – 1, it means that the price is 1CUP (about 4 cents) and not 1CUC ($1 dollar).

You only need CUCs to pay for: long distance transports, accommodation, museums, touristic spots and water. (0.5L – 45CUC;   1.5L – 0.70CUC;  5L – 1.90CUC) for everything else use CUPs. We came across some upsetting situations in Trinidad and Havana when buying water, the staff from the supermarket didn’t have the prices in the water and despite the fact that we knew the price and gave the correct amount they asked for much more. Step your foot down and argue loudly so everybody now what they are doing,  they don’t just ask for a few more cents, they ask for a 1,5L 3 o 4 CUC.. what they are doing is ilegal and you can ask to speak with the manager or even call the number that is on the wall for the costumer service. Demand that they scan your product and give you a receipt like they do when serving a cuban.

Always choose places that have the prices displayed, it’s a current practice, so when they don’t have it, they will probably create a new price just for you. (check out the pictures below they all have prices displayed in CUPs and keep in mind that $1=25CUP)

The prices don’t vary much around the island, so having the average food prices in mind should help (all prices in CUPs):

sandwich  2-12 CUP

pizza  5-10 CUP

natural juice/milkshake 3-5 CUP

coffe 1-2 CUP

chocolate bar 5-10 CUP (depended on size)

small sweets 1-2 CUP

peanut bars / seed bars 5-7 CUP

ice cream 1-5 CUP

popcorn 5CUP

one paper cone with peanuts 1 CUP

1 big avocado 5-10CUP

3 big mangos 5-10CUP

1 hot dish (rice with beans and salad)  – 10-25CUP

fried banana 5CUP

All snack vary from 3-10CUP

Piña colada 5-10CUP

mojito 10-12 CUP

pasta 10 CUP

beer (cerveja dispensed is the cheapest one) 5-25 CUP

soda in a cup 1-2 CUP

hot chocolate 5 CUP

churros 3-5 CUP

malt beverage 10-25 CUP

average price for local transports in CUPs:

bus – 1CUP (they call it guagua)

bici taxi – 5CUP – 10CUP

I brought cash to fund my whole trip so don’t really know how reliable are the ATM, but saw a couple in each capital district.

Exchanging money it’s easy but like everything in Cuba takes time and queuing outside. Ask for the CADECA the official place to exchange money and of course don’t do it in the street. It is possible to exchange U.S. Dollars, Euros, British Pounds, and a few others. But U.S. Dollar is by far the worst one, because it gets charged a 10% fee in addition to the exchange rate.

Exchange your money to Convertible Cuban Pesos (CUC) first and then some Convertibles(CUC) to Cuban Pesos (CUP). (Don’t forget to take your passport).

Paying in convertibles (CUC) and getting change in CUPs is the most popular trick so familiarize yourself with the money and always check your change.

👉🏽Where to stay 

The cheapest options are the casas particulares, a kind of airbnb or guest house. Finding a casa, is extremely easy, there are plenty available everywhere, we didn’t book any house in advance and was always easy and quick to find one. Simply walk around the area you want, knock on the door of a house with the blue sign and ask to see a room, then decide if you want to stay there or see the next one.

We always negotiate our price to fit our budget that was €20 per night and we found always a house that was willing to do that price for us, even in the more touristic areas like Havana, or Trinidad, so don’t get afraid when they start saying that is the high season, all the casas are full, etc.. Cuba truly has an huge offer.

Breakfast is normally not included and the price is between 5-6CUC, but to be fair you will eat exactly the same out for a fraction of that price, so we never ate at the casas.

👉🏽Eating and drinking 

Someone that I met there told me “we are not here to eat” when I was complaining about the food, and lack of options…. and that really needs to be the attitude, because cuban food is by far the worst I ever came across.  In the other hand its ridiculously cheap and why to worry about eating when you can drink 🙂 natural fruit juice of course 😉

The lowest-cost options are at street-side stores they normally have sandwiches, pizza, rice with beans, pasta, natural fruit juice and coffee, but not all the options at the same time.

They have two types of places, the state-run restaurants and the particulares, the last one is a bit more expensive than the other one but not really a big difference, it’s like instead of paying 1 dollar for your meal you will pay 2, only if that private restaurants (particular) serves locals.

Cooking your own food its not an option at all, but what we did to complement our meals was to buy fruits like avocado and mango and ask at the restaurantes to cut it for us.

Fresh juices are amazing and very cheap, if you have an empty water bottle with you, ask them to refill it with juice (1,2,3.. cups) it’s a normal practice between locals.

We never got sick from the food or drinks (only feed up😂)

👉🏽Being Vegan (or) Vegetarian 

Well where to start… to say the true, being vegan in Cuba can be very hard when you are traveling on a budget, and off the beaten path.

While you always have the option of eating at the casas particulares, that with your guidance will be able to cook something for you,  it’s not the cheapest option or any different from the things you can eat outside. Cooking is also not an option, because they will not allow you to use their kitchens.

Carrying a knife, is truly a life saver, you can just  eat some salad or fruit, when you want. Cubans sell seasonal fruit and vegetables using street carts, it is more likely to find them during the morning. Fresh fruit is by far one of the top foods you can eat, the most common are guavas, papayas, pineapples, bananas, mangoes, avocados, mamoncillo and coconuts.

Here are some names of the most common food, if you don’t speak Spanish it would be important to get familiarised with them:

arroz (rice)

ensalada (salad)

frijoles (beans)

arroz morro or moros y cristianos  (black beans + rice)

fruta (fruit)

maduros (fried sweet plantains)

tostones (fried green plantains)

Yuca frita or cassava (root vegetable)

pan (bread)

papas (potatoes)

Batido (milkshake)

jugo natural (natural fruit juice)

Cucurucho (desert with coconut and pineapple)

pudin or flan (pudding flan)

Pasteles dulces (bakery)

mani (peanuts)

More touristic places, like Havana, Trinidad or Viñales will have better option than the rest of the country, but not much..

So far, for me, Cuba was the hardest country to eat well as a vegan (sorry to say that if you are planning a trip to cuba 😆) You will definitely not to starve but you will get sick of the same food everyday, specially if you are travelling like me for a long time, by the end I couldn’t think about eating more of the same again 😫 the smile in my face holding the food was just for the photos  hihi 😂

🚌 Part 2 – coming soon 🚌

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Cuba travel tips: everything you need to know to travel on a budget (part 1) For what I had read before going to Cuba I was expecting that a month there would be quite expensive, and definitely can be, but you can also travel on a tight budget.