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[teeh79-blog]

Over it!!

Today was THAT day!! The day I realized I was over my baby’s father. I know most people would want to congratulate me me thinking it was a quick year or two that it took me to finally get over this horrible man, but unfortunately it took me eight whole long miserable years. I know like dang right?? Well see when a person physically, mentally, emotionally, sexually and verbally abuses you and takes all the strength you thought you had left, well I was left with nothing else to give. Looking back now to eight years ago when my abusive relationship ended I kinda feel like I went through the five stages of grief, you know denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. The denial I experienced was me allowing him to continue to use me in any way he seen fit after HE had declared us over. See, it was funny how we were over and he moved out but he would still use me for sex when he wasn’t getting any from other females, sometimes against my will and he would never forget to tell me that we were no longer together this is just sex and that I needed to move on from him but when I would find a nice man I liked spending time around I became a whore and he put hands on me to remind me that I was his and couldn’t be with anyone else but he was no longer mine and could do what he wanted and be with whom he wanted so it’s best that I move on but if I did he would fuck me up crazy right, I thought so too and it explains why I was in denial of it being over because he wouldn’t let me move on so I’m my head we were still together. Next came the anger, I experienced anger when he would find a female he was really interested in ( air quotes). He would come around and put me down saying I was nothing but his new girl was everything but what I couldn’t understand was if his new girl was everything why was he still coming around using me, oh yes because I allowed it, and in his mind he wasn’t doing anything wrong as long as I allowed it, and I couldn’t be mad at him for that but I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself and be mad at me just yet. I was angry for a long time and would express it to anyone who was willing to listen this stage took up most of the eight years. So after I stopped being angry which was last summer I can think to say because that is when I believe I began to bargain because he was now single and I had BEEN single for seven years due to the last butt whooping I got when I tried to move on although he had many failed relationships I was afraid to really move on, now don’t get me wrong I had friends or flings I should say ( only because I moved to another city) but I had never let myself get into anything serious because of my fear of both him finding out and wanting to hurt me or the possibility of us getting back together and that not being possible if I was with someone else. Now I know ur looking sideways like why would I want to be back with him but the stages of grief had not fully run its course yet which brings me back to last summer we had to spend a great deal of time together because our son was playing little league football and we would go to the practices and game and would see each other there and our communication was more positive around that time so wanting him felt right again. But that was short lived because once again he shot me down with the I’m not good enoughs, which made me depressed and a whole lot of bad things happened. Depression is very serious and I am sad to say in my depression I Lost everyone I thought I had but like it is always said everything happens for a reason and my reason was God had to remove everything and everyone that was not in his plan for me and I am happy to say I am a better person for it. I am not ashamed to say I was an emotional bag lady ( shouts out to Ms. Erykah Badu) for so long I had been carrying around every bad unstable thing that ever happened to me in life and that is how my sons father was able to abuse me the way he did I was already damaged before he got to me and that is why I mentioned earlier that he took all the strength I thought I had left. A lot of very unfortunate things had to happen in MY life before I was able to make it to my last stage, acceptance December 5th, 2016 was one of the worst days of my life I had just turned thirty- seven years old the day before on the 4th and I was tried, broken, wore down and severely depressed I used some words I shouldn’t have in a conversation with my mother those awful words were, I want to kill myself, yes I know I should have come up with a better description of how I was feeling at the moment but I didn’t think my own mother would take my venting literally. She called my sons father while I was at work and they went to my house and took my son away to live with his father. I felt like someone had taken the air right from out of my lungs, my soul died that day. I became very cold and distant for everything and everyone and that is when I accepted that my sons father was not for me he was just a plot in Gods plan for me to suffer for greatness. They say God gives his toughest battles to his greatest soldiers, and I am happy to be a soldier for the lord and although my story is far from over I have faith that it will end great and TODAY, I felt like God answered a long winded prayer in allowing me the realization threw a conversation with my sons fathers woman, I said his woman in my stages I would have NEVER been able to speak with one of his females without want to physically hurt them but I stood there happy and proud to myself for finally seeing it for myself that I was finally and officially OVER the horrible man and I can say my soul is restored and my heart is warm because of this great revaluation. Hallelujah, Amen, Thank you O’ precious and mighty King for bringing me through every single trial and tribulation you bring me to. I love yah, Love Yah Jesus for all your love and endless gifts. My sons father is a better man today as well then he was when he was with me and his lady is good for and with him I pray great blessings upon their union and that maybe wiring with it become right in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Today my journey to God greatness is sure to began, follow me as I share my journey.