#focusing on andy imagining we could be friends would make it better

[streets-in-paradise]

For real, my heart won't take it

[fcllederage-moved]

Hyacinthe tried to keep from moving as much as they could, but it was not easy, considering they desperately wanted to look at the woman before them while they spoke. Yet, they kept their eyes closed as she was doing her eyeshadow and liner. "I don't know, Barbara," they replied calmly. "I feel like things-" They interrupted themselves immediately, realising what they were about to say, and shook their head. "No. You're right. Here, it's been crazy. This country is going crazy. It's like going back in time when we were not allowed to even exist. All of these laws they've been passing are just... what the hell is happening, you know?"

A soft yet nostalgic smile peeked at the edges of their lips. "I've just been following the news in France and we're making so much progress over there. Sure, it's not ideal yet but we're on the right track so that's been giving me a lot of hope for the future." As if they still lived there, Hyacinthe had been obsessed by focusing on what was happening overseas instead of looking at the country they were currently living it. But if they wanted to survive here, they had no other choice but to cling to the hope they would be able to go back one day. "But I don't think it was easier back then. Can you imagine being gay used to be illegal? That you could be rightfully murdered for that?" There was a certainly obvious pain in their eyes as they spoke.

"Of course, here, in the US, today is no better than thirty, forty years ago anymore." They could not even express how terrified they were when the time came to close the cabaret for a couple days and Hyacinthe had to walk back to her storage place in drag, in the middle of the night. The terror of being hit, killed, or worse, sometimes torn their insides the second they stepped foot outside and realised that, no matter how confident and untouchable they felt, it was all a mask, an illusion. And in the end, they had often time been proved they were not wrong to be scared. "We should be allowed to exist the way we want."

As Barbara had removed her hands from their face again, Hyacinthe looked back at Andy, hoping he would put his two cents in, not because the conversation was making them uncomfortable, but mostly because they wanted to hear his opinion on the topic. He was such a close friend, someone they trusted and loved, and on top of that, he was part of. the community.

Barbara was hunched over, one hand pressed to their head to keep them in place while the other blended out a neutral shade to the crease- barely noticeable to anyone but the one applying it. It had been awhile since anyone had let her do something creative, typically it was the date night make up request- if she was lucky to get a request at all. If no one else, it was herself getting make up done. Usually reminiscent of the sixties was where she felt the most beautiful. She was only a child then, but it she always admired the color pallet of the times.

Her lips, coated in a thin nude gloss which tinted her lips red, parted in a circle- as if she was about to whistle. She was focused deep on her work, a trait- the only trait- Andy had gotten from her.

As she dropped both hands and closed the eye shadow, she placed it on the table and began to look for a fine detail brush for the liner she would now attempt. "Hasn't changed much, never will," she responded, blunt but offering a motherly smile towards Cin. "Yep, Gone are the days of Bowie and Queen... and Slade. Life was so much simpler back then."

She wet the liner and dipped her detail brush in. Scooting closer to them, she parted her knees, returning to her hunched position. Though she was obviously very much feminine in the stereotypical way she loved her and cared about her appearance, there was a domineering masculinity to her as well in her gestures.

"'Course it wasn't perfect... not by a long shot- but at least back then you could wear go go boots or glitter and no one batted much of an eye."

While she traced the thinnest line just above Cin's crease, Andy had been huddled in the corner, feet propped as he read through a comic he had thumbed a thousand and one times. Every so often, he would listen in on their conversation, but not to be intrusive, and certainly not to insert himself. He simple loved his mother, and loved his friend- and loved even more seeing the ones he loved, loving each other.

[buckyownsmylife]

Moral Insanity - Andy Barber smut

The one where you’re Jacob’s friend and Andy fucks you on a balcony.

Warnings: this is divorced! Andy and college! Jacob, so while there’s a definite age gap there, reader is legal. So other warnings go: semi-public sex, a lot of dirty talking, no daddy kink on this one, which came as a surprise even to me, curse words and really rough sex. p in v, porn with little plot, masturbation (f). A/N: Kinktober Day 27 prompts were sex on a balcony or window + “Don’t cum yet”. Hope you guys like this one, I feel like it was a good one, but if I had more time, I could probably make it better. I think that’s kind of the sentiment behind the whole kinktober, actually.

Andy’s P.O.V.

Even the strongest of wills caved when faced with a sweet enough temptation. All it took was one look and I knew she was mine.

Perhaps I should have known better than to let Jacob invite his friends to our beach house, but I was recently divorced and in desperate need to feel cool again, even if I knew that trying to be seen like that by my own kid would only lead me to the opposite direction. And maybe I also forgot just how old he was, ignored that he was now in college and saw the image of his teenage years when I looked at him, because the truth was, when I saw her walking in, I was frozen in my spot. 

I didn’t even consider that my son was old enough to have sleepovers with girls now. And when I had to confront my own desire for the much younger girl who he introduced as a friend, in my own eyes, he grew up too.

But I still had to face the reality that she was undeniably young enough to be my daughter.

“Good morning, Mr. B.” My head automatically whipped around to look at the ray of sunshine personified in the body of Jacob’s college best friend. I’d heard about her before, obviously, and even teased him about being embarrassed to admit that he was dating her, but now that I knew the girl I could only acknowledge the fact that she was way out of his league.

Maybe I shouldn’t retroactively feel relieved about their relationship being so innocent, but I was way past denying the attraction I felt for her. My goal now was to keep it hidden, despite just how enticing she was.

“Good morning, Y/N. You do know you’re on spring break, right? There’s no need to keep waking up so early.” I chanced a glance up at her, to find her looking out at the balcony, towards the sea. 

“I know,” she nodded, her eyes still focused on a distant point before they suddenly met mine. “I just like to keep you company.” I didn’t know what to say, so I just resumed my previous activity of frying bacon, letting the silence of the morning fill the space between us. Surprisingly enough, it wasn’t uncomfortable. Maybe because in the last few days I’d had the chance of striking up many conversations with her - which only added to my attraction, since she was an incredibly intelligent woman - so I felt like I knew her enough, by now. Enough for what, I didn’t know.

“Well, the eggs are ready. Will you accompany me to breakfast?” We made idle chit chat before two of her friends made their way downstairs, my signal to leave them alone. As much as I liked to view myself as young at heart, I remembered just how weird it was when adults tried to force their presence into a group, and I wasn’t about to do that.

Just before I left, her eyes met mine in a longing stare, and it felt like she wanted to say something, but refrained from doing so. But perhaps it was just my hopeful imagination, wanting her to like my company as much as I enjoyed hers.

The next time I saw her, it was lunch already. Jacob and his friends had spent the day between the beach and the pool, while I remained in the bedroom returning some calls from the office. When I finally joined them downstairs, I was once again shocked by the view of her glistening wet body in what could only be described as a barely there bikini.

She caught me staring, that much I knew and I couldn’t really admonish myself for my lack of restraint, not when I hadn’t seen that much of her body yet and it was driving me crazy. Besides, I definitely wasn’t the only one staring, perhaps just the only who really shouldn’t be doing it.

“Why are you pouting?” Was the first thing I asked her when she approached the kitchen island where I fixed myself a sandwich, making sure to keep my eyes on the bread slices in my hands, instead of on her chest.

“You left me alone with dumb and dumber! In the middle of a conversation about the Supreme Court! You really know how to make a girl feel interesting, Mr. B.” My heartbeat sped up in my chest, my mind racing with the possibility that she was flirting with me. Was she? How could I know? 

From my experience being single, I knew the only way was to slowly reciprocate it and hope for the best. Hopefully I’d be able to get out of it if she ever called me out on it. “You are interesting, Y/N. I’m the one who’s a boring old man. Say, what happened to the bathing suits you were wearing until today?”

My question made her look down to her own body, like she didn’t remember what she was wearing until I asked. When she did return her eyes to mine, she was biting her lip, though it was hard to assess if it was due to embarrassment or excitement for my acknowledgement.

“I lost a bet to the other girls. They gave me one of their bikinis to wear for the day, knowing I don’t usually wear them because they make me uncomfortable.” She looked downright adorable, the pout back on her lips at the memory, and I had to shake my head to swipe away the thought of leaning over and kissing it away.

“Well, I think you look great.” That was all I considered safe to say, but I did throw a wink in her direction before picking up my plate and moving to my bedroom, where I still had some work to go through while I ate. I didn’t look back to witness her reaction, but hoped she’d be at least a little intrigued by my sudden expression of interest.

Y/N’s P.O.V.

“You sure you don’t wanna go with us?” I nodded patiently, confirming for the upteenth time that I did in fact desired to stay back at Jacob’s huge beach house instead of following my friends to a noisy, sweaty club. I’d never really liked those environments, so it wasn’t that weird that I ditched them for whatever crime show was on tv for tonight, but in the back of my mind, I knew it was more than that. 

I wanted to see Andy again. I wanted to have the opportunity to talk to him without the fear of being interrupted or judged. So really, it wasn’t any surprise to me that after everyone left for the night, I could barely sit still in front of the television, quickly deciding to turn it off and go look for the man that had been plaguing my thoughts for the last few days.

I paced in front of the door to his room for a while before finally gathering the courage to knock, expecting him to open it and follow me downstairs so we could talk. So I was beyond surprised when he simply ordered me to get in without even asking who was there, but I hesitated only for a few seconds before complying.

It was clear by Andy’s expression that he wasn’t expecting to see me, and all at once I realized he must have thought it was Jacob that wanted to speak with him, after all, no one else had probably ventured to this part of the house besides his son and himself. So I was beyond sheepish as I remained by the door when he lifted an eyebrow to ask me what I was doing there. “I thought you guys had gone out to a club or something.”

“I-I decided to stay back here and I was wondering if you wanted to chat.” Now both of his eyebrows were lifted, like he couldn’t believe what he had heard. In the seconds of silence that followed, my mind finally processed the fact that what Andy was wearing weren’t swimsuits, but boxers, and there wasn’t anything else covering his body from my wandering gaze. His hair was wet, too, like he’d just gotten out of a shower, but none of that distracted me from the fact that in those few seconds of silence, his expression changed from incredulous to something entirely different, something I couldn’t really pinpoint, but made my body feel hotter than the sun.

“You wanted to chat?” The question sounded more like an accusation and I found myself giving a step back when I realized that Andy had crossed the room to stand right in front of me, his eyes taking in every inch of skin the bikini exposed. “You wanted to chat,” he repeated, and I gulped before opening my mouth to explain myself, even though I wasn’t entirely sure of what I should be explaining, when his hands found their way to the door behind me and he closed it before settling them in the dark wood, caging me between my escape and himself. “You come into my room when your friends are out and we’re the only two people in the house, dressed like that after spending the last few days driving me absolutely insane, and you tell me you want to chat?”

Andy’s P.O.V.

God fucking damn. This girl had to be completely unaware of her effect over me or absolutely intent on having me going crazy over how badly I wanted her, because it was impossible for her to have waltzed into my room without knowing that this was how I would react.

Still, I had to admit it came half as a surprise even to myself, so maybe I shouldn’t judge her too harshly. Maybe if I hadn’t just tugged one out to the thoughts of her and spilled over myself so badly I had to take a shower, I would be able to ignore the temptation. But as it were, she’d just incited the beast within me, and all I needed was the confirmation that she wanted this just as badly as I did so I could take her exactly like I’d been dreaming about for the last few days.

She heaved as she looked up at me with unmistakable lust-filled eyes, and I felt an insurmountable amount of pride spread through my chest at the knowledge that this desirable young woman was affected by me.

“Well, now that you’re offering me an option, I’ve been wanting your cock in my mouth.” The surprise that hit me over hearing those words fall out of her innocent lips was soon overtook by my desperate need to have her, and with a growl, I pulled her by the back of her head to meet my lips in a furious kiss.

Completely immersed in the taste of cinnamon on her lips, I bit on the lower one to beg her for entrance so I could graze my tongue on hers, taking up the opportunity to finally feel her body against mine. I pressed her up against the door, running my hands over her body before I reached the back of her thighs, pulling her to wrap her legs around my body.

In a few quick strides, we were through the open doors that led to the balcony from where I had a perfect view of the sea, and when I let her go to stand on her own legs, she looked around, clearly confused about my choice of place.

“Did you think you could tease me like that and not get punished? Oh no, you tempted me publicly, I’ll fuck you right here.” It was easy to see that the shiver that ran through her body wasn’t completely due to the wind that was caressing our bodies, she was aroused by the idea. Still, I knew she had a fight in her, so the second she opened her mouth to argue, I lunged at her, capturing her lips with mine again.

The beauty of a bikini. One simple movement and the top piece was on the floor and my hands were full with her breasts, my fingers occupied with circling her hardened nipples as I kept kissing her with all that I had.

“Now, princess…” Leaving her lips to kiss down her jaw, my fingers found their way inside her little bottom piece before they teased her, testing her wetness to find her dripping for me. “I know you said you wanted my cock in your mouth, but I think we can leave that for later, huh? Right now, I really need to have you. So you’re gonna cum real quick, with my fingers deep inside this tight pussy, before I bend you over the rail and rail you.”

I fucked her quickly and harshly, making sure to hit her sweet spot every time when I managed to find her, while I distracted myself from my throbbing cock by nibbling on her earlobe and imprinting her scent in my memory. When she did cum, it was with a breathless gasp as she held tightly onto my biceps, and I groaned just from the feeling of her tightness squeezing my digits.

“I gotta have you now.” That was all the warning I gave before I did just what I promised, bending her over before pushing her bikini bottoms and sliding home. Our moans echoed each other, only fueling my arousal to a point where I couldn’t really wait for her to adjust to my size. So I just started pounding into her, keeping a grip on her hip and another on her hair as I watched her ass slap back against me, her breasts bouncing with the force of my thrusts.

“So fucking tight.” I bit my lip so hard I tasted metal in an effort not to cum too quickly, but it only made me hornier. “C’mon, sweetheart. Tell me how much you love being ruined by me. Don’t you wish your friends would get back sooner, so they’d see just how great you are at taking my cock?”

She cried out at my words, her legs shaking with the effort to keep herself up, but the sight before me was too fucking pretty to let her go. “Been dreaming about my cock deep inside this pretty pussy, haven’t you? Just like I’ve been jerking off to the thought of these pretty little lips wrapped around it.” Having pulled her against my chest by her hair, I rubbed her lower lip before pushing my thumb inside her mouth, where she eagerly started to suck just like I imagined. 

“Won’t have to think about it anymore, will I? Because you’ll let me fuck you any time I want. Every time I get hard thinking about you, you’ll bend over for me to take you and I won’t have to say a single word.” I could feel her pussy clenching periodically because of my words, but I wasn’t quite there yet. I still needed a few more minutes of fucking this tight young pussy and I wanted her to cum with me, so I ordered, “Don’t cum yet,” giving a quick slap over her clit before holding her by her throat so I could kiss her cheek.

“Tell me, baby. Tell me how badly you wanted my cock, how much you want my cum and I’ll let you have it. I’ll let you milk me dry inside this pretty little pussy until it’s dripping out of you.” 

I knew she was having a hard time trying to contain her orgasm, but she still managed to beg me while holding the hand that was pawing at her breast. “Please, Andy, Mr. Barber. I need your cum inside of me, sir. ‘Ve been thinking about it for so long. Please, let me cum with you.”

The sir did it for me. With one last command for her to cum, I allowed myself to release deep inside of her, sliding my hand to her lower stomach so I could feel myself and making her clench again at the feeling.

We stayed like that for a few minutes, catching our breath while staring out into the ocean, until my softened cock slipped out of her, and I gave her a quick kiss on the shoulder. “It’s a pretty view,” she murmured, and I chuckled before turning her to look at me.

“Not as pretty as you. And hey, as great as this was, I want you to know that I really want to get to know you better, Y/N. Talking to you every morning has been the highlight of my day and I’m in desperate need of something like that.”

She smiled before standing up on her tiptoes to deposit a quick kiss on my lips. “Sounds good to me, Mr. Barber. Now, have you ever gone skinny dipping?”

[thatfanficstuff]

Impossible - 11

Pairing: Reader x Eric Northman

Warnings: nope

A/N: I no longer have access to true blood so i’m going off of episode summaries and my poor, poor memory so this will be diverting even further from the show than it has been. As a reminder, Jason never met Amy and never kidnapped Eddie. 

***

It was past dawn before Eric and you finally slept so it didn’t surprise you to discover it was after one when you woke. You grabbed a bag and filled it with what you needed for several days. Odds were you wouldn’t make it more than a couple without Eric coming to retrieve you anyway.

When you got to Sookie’s you twisted the knob intending to just walk in as usual. You frowned when you found the door locked. It wasn’t like her to lock up when she was home, but there was a killer on the loose. You knocked but received no answer. A walk around the house to the other door yielded the same results.

You huffed a sigh and pulled out your phone to call her.

“I am so sorry,” she answered before you even said a word.

“Where are you?”

She paused before answering which meant whatever she said next was likely to be at least a half-truth if not a full out lie. “It sort of slipped my mind you were coming. Sam and I are running an errand out of town. We should be back before dark.”

You clenched your teeth to keep from saying any of the many things that came to mind. “I don’t suppose you have a key hidden around here anywhere?”

“Not since Dawn. Jason has a key. I could tell him to let you borrow it.”

Seeing Jason Stackhouse ranked at the very bottom of the list of things you wanted to do that day. “I can manage. I’ll see you later.” You hung up before she could respond. It was probably safer that way.

You spent your time waiting in a booth at Merlotte’s. You ate a meal while you read a book you kept in your truck for when you needed to entertain yourself. When Lafayette had a break, he’d come out and sit so the two of you could catch up.

The sky had grown dark before you noticed and you gathered your things to head back to Sookie’s. You parked beside Sam and grabbed your bag. You didn’t bother to knock when you got to the door. Part of you wished you had when you caught Sam and Sookie making out on the sofa. You cleared your throat and they jumped away from each other. “Am I interrupting something?” Your lips twitched.

“Yeah, you are,” Sam answered with an irritated expression on his face.    

“No, of course not,” Sookie was quick to correct. She gave Sam a look as she hopped to her feet.

His disgruntled expression had a smile flirting with your lips again.

“I think Y/N has it from here, Sam.”

That got Sam off his ass. He turned so his back was to you as if that would keep you from hearing their conversation. “Don’t you think we should talk about this?”

“Not really no.” Sookie had that tight look she got whenever she was in an uncomfortable situation. Apparently, she was having second thoughts about that kiss. That was unfortunate. As much as Sam could annoy the piss out of you, he was so much better for her than Bill would ever be.

“Sook.” It may have been only one word, but Sam’s tone spoke volumes.

“Sam, I asked Y/N to help me out by stayin’ with me. I won’t be any ruder to her than I already have been.” She walked over to the door and opened it. “Now, I thank you for all of your help, but it’s time for you to go.”

Sam’s gaze darted between the two of you before settling on your friend. “All right, Sookie. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He leaned forward to kiss her as he passed. She turned her head at the last moment so he kissed her cheek. His sigh was audible as she shut the door behind him.

She locked the door before facing you. You gave into the smile you’d been fighting and her shoulders slumped as she groaned and wiped a hand down her face. “What am I going to do?” she moaned as she walked past you. She dropped onto the couch and you sat beside her.

She leaned her head on your shoulder. “I sure am glad you’re here, Y/N.”

You hummed in agreement. “While I expect the full story about what I just walked in on, we need to talk about last night first. What happened?”

Sookie took a deep breath and sat up straight. “There was a party at Merlotte’s for Arlene and Rene. I was feeling sorry for myself on account of Bill taking off the way he did so I was helping Sam out to keep my mind off things. I went inside for some more ice when I got this vision of a girl being killed.”

She shivered and you frowned. You couldn’t imagine being able to see the things she did. It had to be horrible.

“He was so angry. That was worse than what I saw. The overwhelming anger. I finally came to my senses enough to realize that the killer had to be there. I dropped to the floor and just missed a knife that slammed into the bar. I screamed and just focused on putting as much room between him and me as possible. The next thing I knew I crashed into Sam as I tried to see what was going on behind me.”

“I assume you called the police? Or what passes for them around here anyway?”

She nodded. “Of course, but there wasn’t much they could do. He was right there and I didn’t get a look at him. I’m so stupid.”

You grabbed her hand to make certain you had her attention. “Surviving is never stupid, Sookie. What good would it have done for you to see who it was if you died in the process?”

“I guess you’re right.” She turned on the sofa so she faced you and bounced in her seat a little. “Sam and I might have figured out who it is anyway.”

Your brows shot up. “Way to bury the lead, Sook. Tell me what you know.”

“When I had that vision last night, the girl that was killed was wearing a name tag from this pie place not too far from here. Her name was Cindy. Sam and I went up there to ask some questions today.”

“You did what now?” You loved your friend but sometimes you wished she thought things through a little more. “And what if the killer finds out you were asking questions? You’re going to make yourself a target.”

She shook her head. “You’re assuming I’m not already. But listen, so this girl named Cindy was killed and her brother disappears while they’re investigating. The police haven’t been able to find him. We tried to get some information from them, but they wouldn’t tell us anything. They’re supposed to be sending a picture to Bud.”

You had no doubt you could get the information much faster than they could. “What’s this guy’s name?”

“Drew Marshall.”

***

You sent the information to your father asking for him to find out what he could. Realistically you knew it would be the next evening before you heard anything. It was unlikely he’d have a contact at such a small precinct but he’d surprised you before. Sookie and you watched a movie and stayed up late talking. Well, it was late for her. You were always more comfortable in the night. That happened when you were raised by vampires.

After she went to bed, you passed your time by texting Eric who kept threatening to come drag you home. It was past dawn before you found sleep. As such, it took you a minute to process what was going on a few hours later when Sookie burst into your room yelling your name.

“Hold on. Hold on,” you instructed as she fired out words in a rapid burst of confusion. You sat up and raked a hand through your hair. “Okay. Start again. Slower this time.”

“There’s been another murder. Some one night stand of Jason’s. He’s been arrested.”

Shit. “All right, Sookie. Calm down as much as you can and go get dressed. We’ll go down to the station and see what’s going on.”

She nodded and hurried from the room. Jason Stackhouse was a lot of things but you weren’t certain he was capable of murder, despite your history with him. There was only one way to find out. With a sigh, you tossed aside the covers and climbed out of the bed.

***

You’d barely put the truck in park before Sookie had her door open and jumped out. You shook your head but didn’t try to stop her as you followed at a more sedate pace. By the time you joined her at the desk, she was already giving Andy Bellefluer a piece of her mind.

“If you’d give me a minute—”

“I’m not giving you anything, Andy Bellefluer. How stupid do you have to be to think my brother killed gram never mind all those other people? How could you believe such a thing?”

“I was trying to—”

Sookie cut him off again. “Did you not get the picture they were supposed to be sending you of the actual killer? Of course, Sam and I had to find that for you.”

Andy turned to you with an exasperated expression. “Help me out here, would you?”

You held up your hands. “Don’t look at me. I’m strictly here to watch her back. You’re on your own.”

He sighed and rolled his eyes as he put his attention back on Sookie. “Your brother—”

“Didn’t do this. That much I know and if you think—”

“He confessed!” Andy yelled over the top of her.

She visibly deflated. “What?”

“Jason Stackhouse walked into the station and turned himself in. He told us that there was a dead woman in his bed and we needed to lock him up before he hurt anyone else. I’m sorry, Sookie but that’s what happened.” The sympathy in his gaze had you rethinking your earlier assessment of the detective. Maybe he wasn’t so bad.

Sookie licked her lips and gave a nod. “Could I see him? Just for a minute?”

He hesitated for a moment. “Yeah. I suppose that would be all right. Come on.”

You had intended to stay in the lobby but Sookie grabbed your hand and pulled you along with her.

Jason no sooner laid eyes on his sister than he started protesting. “What’s she doing here?”

Andy opened his mouth to answer only to be cut off by Jason asking Sookie the same question. The detective rolled his eyes at once again being cut off by a Stackhouse and you couldn’t help a little grin. Poor Andy.

“Why are you doing this, Jason? We both know you didn’t kill anyone.” She dropped your hand to wrap her hands around the bars that separated her from the last of her family.

“You don’t know that, Sook. Hell, I don’t even know that. Maybe I did kill all those girls and I just don’t remember. But I do know I can’t hurt anyone else if I’m in here.”

“Don’t do this,” she practically begged.

Jason looked from her to the detective. “Get her out of here, Andy. I don’t wanna see her.” He stepped away from the bars and turned his back on his sister.

“Come on, Sookie,” Andy said as he patted her shoulder.

She hesitated only a moment before following him to the door. They glanced back to see if you were following, but you hadn’t moved. “I’ll be along in just a moment. Jason and I have some unfinished business.”

The detective glanced between you and Jason before nodding once and leading Sookie to the lobby.

“I ain’t got nothing to say to you, Y/N,” Jason said, his back still turned. His shoulders were tight with tension.

“Don’t care if you do. I have something to say to you.” You gave him a minute but when he didn’t respond you continued anyway. “Maybe I killed people and don’t remember doesn’t sound like much of a confession, Stackhouse.”

“You don’t know anything about it.”

“I know I’m rarely wrong when it comes to people and you aren’t a killer, Jason. You’re dumb as shit but you aren’t a killer.”

He snapped around, scowling at you for the insult. “I’m not stupid.”

You shrugged as if it didn’t matter to you and it didn’t. You weren’t going to argue the point with him. “I do want to know how someone gets killed in your bed without you knowing about it until it’s too late.”

His chin jutted forward as he clenched his teeth.

“My guess is you were wasted or high and slept through the whole thing.”

Fear flashed across his face before he schooled his features, but he remained silent.

You hummed as the corner of your lips curled into a small smile. “Got it in one. What’s your poison? Weed? Meth? V?”

His eyes widened and he stepped back as you said the last. You arched a brow. He was even dumber than you thought.

“You can’t tell him. Please Y/N, I’ll do whatever you want, just don’t tell him,” he begged.

“Tell who? Andy?”

“No, that scary ass motherfucker at Fangtasia. He said he’d cut my balls off with a rusty spoon if I ever used V again. I like my balls where they are, Y/N.”

“Eric doesn’t want to touch your balls, Jason. Trust me. You’ll be fine.”

[ssajj]

The Anchor

You own a bookstore. One day, Luke comes in.

2.1k, gn!reader. Pure fluff.

You wake up early on Monday morning feeling surprisingly refreshed. The light is streaming in through your window, your cat blinking sleepily at you when you rise. You give her a gentle kiss on her head, smiling when she starts to purr. 

"Morning, sweetie," you greet. She stays there as you get dressed. Today, you pick one of your go to outfits, knowing you'll be comfortable and confident in it. Your friends have accused you of being a cartoon character before, saying that you only wear the same couple of outfits. That's okay, though. 

By eight, you're in front of your store. It's your pride and joy, a product of working long hours at an odd assortment of jobs until you could afford to rent this space. Ever since you were little, you'd dreamt of owning a bookstore, picturing yourself sipping coffee in there while you and the love of your life watch people browse the shelves. 

You don't have a significant other, but you do have the store and a mug of coffee. Two out of three isn't bad, you tell yourself, even if it's hard not to notice that your bed is cold. 

Soon after you get inside, you flip the lights on and unlock the doors. You had a couple employees that would come in sometimes, but you always handled Mondays on your own. They were both college students, so the idea of making their Mondays even worse had made you feel bad. Besides, sometimes it was nice to be the only one. Mornings were generally pretty quiet, so it gave you time to relax and read a little bit. That's what you decide to this morning, grabbing a book off your stack of advanced copies and taking it with you to the front desk. 

An hour in, the only customer you've seen is a regular, a wonderfully sweet old woman named Ms. Thomas. She's always trying to set you up with her grandchildren in the hopes that it'll give her a family discount. You adore her. 

Not long after she leaves, a man rushes in, looking frazzled. You've never seen him before, but holy hell, is he attractive. He's somehow pulling off the tight t-shirt look without looking like a complete asshole, black curly hair windblown in a way that suggests he ran here. 

"Hey!" You chirp, putting your book down. "Can I help you with anything?"

He glances over at you like he hadn't seen you there. Figures. He was attractive enough that you probably weren't even noticeable to him. "Yes. God, yes. It's my co-worker's birthday, and I totally blanked on getting him a gift. He loves books."

"Do you know what he likes to read?" You ask, looking over at the shelves behind him like the perfect title was just going to fall on the floor. After a beat of silence, you turn your attention back onto him. He's just staring at you. "Hello? Sir?"

There's a subtle blush coloring his cheeks. "Sorry. Just- he likes pretty much everything? I've seen him read things from children books to an entire textbook on astrophysics."

You frown. "You work with a guy that reads astrophysics textbooks for fun?"

"Sure do," he replies, laughing. "I'm afraid that I'll get him something he already owns, even though he'll probably be too polite to tell me."

"Hm," you say, drumming your desk as you think. "Well, in my opinion, you really can't go wrong with Russian literature."

"I think he likes Russian literature?" The poor man looks so confused.

"Do you want me to just pick something?"

"Oh, please."

You laugh, standing up and going over to your favorite bookcase. After a few seconds, you pull a couple paperbacks and bring them back over to the man. "I'd reccomend any of these. If your friend likes Russian literature, he's definitely read all the classics, but these guys are pretty uncommon. Honestly, it's probably dumb to have them in my inventory, I just love them so much. My all time favorite Russian book is The Idiot, I-" you cut yourself off, embarasment sweeping through you. "Sorry. Just rambled a little bit at you."

He smiles warmly at you. "No, it's okay. I didn't mind."

The blush doesn't leave your face. God, did he have to be nice, too? It isn't enough that he's hot? You cough a little in an attempt to calm yourself down. "So, what are you interested in purchasing?"

"Oh, I'll just take all of them," he says, still smiling. 

"Really?"

He nods. 

You start scanning the books, telling him his total as you slide them into a paper bag. Once you're done and he's paid, you hand it over. 

"Thanks so much for your help…" 

"Y/N," you tell him. 

"Y/N," he repeats, smiling seemingly softening. "Nice to meet you. I'm Luke."

"Well, Luke, I hope your coworker doesn't already have these books."

As he leaves, you watch him. 

--

A week later, Luke comes into the shop again. He looks pretty lost, eyes wandering over until they settle on you from where you're shelving some new releases. One of your employees, Andi, is at the desk where you were last time Luke was in. 

"Hey!" You greet him. "Did your coworker like the books?"

"He did, actually!" Luke says, once again smiling at you. Maybe he was just one of those golden retriever guys or something. "He was surprised you had some reccomendations he hadn't already read."

You nod. "Well, that is part of my job."

He laughs like you said something funny. Neither of you says anything for a moment. "Do you need help finding anything?"

"No, I uh- I just wanted to thank you for your help last time."

Huh. You've never had someone come back just to thank you. It's kind of cute. "Of course."

After he leaves, Andi comes over to you, a devilish grin on their face. "He was cuuuuuute," they sing, throwing an arm around you. 

"Andi!" You laugh, lightly shoving them off with your hip. "Settle down there, buddy."

"He's totally into you! Who comes back just to thank the person who sold them books?"

You shrug. "Luke, apparently."

"Or he likes you!"

"Aren't you supposed to be working?"

--

The third time you see Luke, it isn't even at the bookstore, but rather the coffee place you frequent across the street. As you wait in line, you see him slumped over one of the tables. Once you grab your coffee, you head over. 

"Luke?"

His head whips up so fast that you worry about his neck. "Y/N! Hi! Do you want to sit down?"

You nod, taking the seat across from him. Technically, you're on your lunch, and Andi knows to text you if they're getting too overwhelmed. "You look kind of tired."

He winces. "Do I look that bad?"

"No! Sorry," you groan, covering your mouth with your hand. "I should just shut up."

"It's okay, seriously." He takes a sip of his coffee. "Work is keeping me busy."

"What do you do?"

"I'm an agent with the FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit," he says. 

You whistle. "Sounds dangerous. Hope you get paid a lot."

You're starting to figure out that Luke laughs with his whole body. It's terribly endearing. "It's very dangerous," he agrees. "But I love being able to help people, and my team is great. How long have you been at the bookstore?"

"Oh, I own it. Opened up last year."

"That's awesome!" He says, and it sounds like he means it. 

Andi texts you soon after, so you and Luke say your goodbyes. 

--

"You missed him!" Andi says, rushing over to you. Bo, your other employee, is standing behind them and shaking his head. "Your man was here."

"I don't have a man?"

Andi stomps their foot on the ground like you're the ridiculous one in this situation. "Luke!"

You look over to Bo for a better explanation. "Luke came in this morning and bought a book."

"Ah," you say. "What did he get?"

"The Idiot."

It's hard not to melt into the floor. 

--

The next time, it isn't Luke, but two of his coworkers. A man and a woman come into the store, asking for you by name. When Bo fetches you, they both have wide grins on their faces. 

"Can I help you guys with anything?"

"Just wanted to see what all the fuss was about," the woman says. "We work with Luke."

The man nods. "I've never actually seen Luke willingly read anything before he came here. I'm Spencer, by the way. But I don't shake hands."

"I'm Penelope!"

You've done research on the BAU since Luke told you his occupation and learned that his job deals mostly with hunting down serial killers. You cannot imagine these two people doing that. It's hard to imagine Luke doing it, too. "I'm Y/N."

Penelope smirks. "Oh, we know."

"Are you the one he bought books for?" You ask Spencer. 

He perks up like he's been waiting for you to bring it up. For the next twenty minutes, you discuss Russian literature as Penelope wanders aimlessly around the store. 

As they're leaving, you hear Penelope whisper. "Y/N would be good for him."

--

Ms. Thomas gets to meet him not long after. You're chatting with her about her family as he comes in. You feel your heart rate pick up a little bit when your gaze locks on his. 

"Who is that?" Ms. Thomas whispers, nudging you gently. "He's awfully handsome."

You shush her as Luke walks over. "You're just as bad as Andi."

Once he arrives, he introduces himself to Ms. Thomas before focusing his attention on you. "Heard some of my coworkers came by to bother you."

"They were nice! Spencer and I talked for a while. Didn't realize you'd talked to them about the store."

Luke shifts around on his feet. "Well, I mostly just talked to them about you."

"Ooooooo," Ms. Thomas butts in, causing you and Luke's cheeks to both flush. 

You turn to her. "Oh my god!"

"Fine, fine, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone," she says, beelining to Andi presumably to talk about you and Luke. 

"Sorry about her."

Luke laughs. "She seems fun."

"Trust me, she is," you shake your head. "But, uh, you've been talking about me?"

"Yeah," Luke says, holding his hand out. After a second, you realize that it's a silent request for his hand, that he hadn't just wanted to grab it with no warning. You give it to him. "I like you a lot, Y/N. I started reading The Idiot the other day. That book is like 600 pages!"

You giggle, making his smile grow even wider.

"Can I take you out on a date?"

"Yeah. Yeah, you can."

--

When Luke isn't on a case, he visits you at the bookstore every day. It's been months since the first initial date, but your heart still flutters every time you see him, every time you see his face soften when he looks at you.

You've never been in love before. You think it feels an awful lot like this, though.

"Hey, babe," he greets, coming over to give you a quick kiss. "We just landed, figured I'd come say hi before I go crash at my apartment."

"Did it go well?" You're already pretty sure it did, since someone would have updated you otherwise. But it's always good to check and see if you need to hold Luke as tight as you can. So far, it's the best way to comfort him after a bad case. 

"It did," he tells you, shrugging. "It was a tough one, but we got the guy at the end. And I got to punch him in the face."

That makes you roll your eyes, even as you grab his hands to check for bruising. There is a little bit, so you press a kiss to his knuckles. 

"Can you come by later?" He asks, looking oddly nervous. 

You smile. "Yeah, of course."

"I can handle the store if you want to go now!" Andi calls.

You and Luke roll your eyes. "Andi, you are way too invested in my relationship."

They narrow their eyes. "So?"

Luke hugs you before he leaves, burying his face against the crook of your shoulder. "I'll see you later, okay?"

"Mm, okay. Love you, Y/N."

You tense up and he pulls back. It's the first time he's said it. "I-"

"Did you mean it?"

He flushes. "I mean. Yeah. Of course. You're pretty impossible not to love."

"I love you too, Luke."

[calumance]

Omg can I request two blurb/imagines?? Or a combined one hehehe Maybe one where we see a protective mom reader again and maybe it’s with a mean parent that either talks bad about her kids but also Cal and his career? and another one where we get to see protective Cal like usually he’s pretty calm and has to calm his wife down but maybe someone or a parent insults cal’s career and he doesn’t mind cuz he always has haters but when they insult his wife/family 🥵🥵🥵🥵🥵 he jumped

I GOT CARRIED AWAY I’M SO SORRY THIS IS SO LONG. 🙈🙈🙈🙈 The Hoods stand up for each other, through thick and thin ❤️❤️❤️

        It was four in the morning when your alarm went off. Calum was half way across the world and four A.M. was just about the right time to catch him getting ready for a show. Although he never asked you to wake up that early so you could call him, it was something you did just because you couldn’t go a day without seeing him. You sat up and turned your alarm off and tapped through your phone to start a FaceTime call with Calum. You were mid yawn and mid eye rub when he answered. Calum chuckled, “Good morning, sunshine.”

        You finished yawning and dropped your hand to your side, “Morning. How was your day?” Sleep still clung to your voice, you were tired, and as badly as you wanted to keep sleeping, you would much rather see him than go back to sleep.

        “It was alright, darling. We go on stage in about thirty minutes. What do you have on your schedule today?” Calum ran his hand through his hair and looked into the phone screen. His eyes twinkled in the light of the dressing room. It was eating you alive that you couldn’t be with him.

        You sighed and then shrugged, “Nothing during the day. One of the moms from Aiden’s soccer team is having this ‘family night’ that I think I might just drop Aiden off at and come home and watch movies with Logan.” You shrugged and looked around the all too empty room.

        Calum pulled his eyebrows together, “Why don’t you want to go?” Calum lifted a red solo cup to his lips and you remembered all the things his lips have done to you.

        You shook your head, shaking the naughty thoughts from your mind and shrugged, “It’s a family night, since you’re not here, I don’t really have my whole family. I’d rather Aiden go have fun with his friends while I cuddle my other son and watch some Disney movies.”

        Calum chuckled, “I think you should go, maybe call Sierra or Alex and see if either of those girls want to go with you.” You shrugged at the suggestion and changed the subject, wanting to talk to Calum about other things before he had to go.

        Throughout the whole day, you thought about what Calum had said to you, and you weren’t sure what got to you, but you ended up calling Alex and asking if she wanted to go with you. It was only a few hours later that she showed up at your house and started to get ready with you. After everyone was ready, you drove the four of you to the event center that the ‘family night’ was being held at. When you walked in, Aiden immediately caught sight of his friends and ran off. Logan found the friend he had made throughout the season and ran off as well. You looked over at Alex and shrugged, slowly making your way into the hall to start mingling.

        Within a few minutes, you found yourself talking with a small group of other parents, Alex standing next to you. You both had a glass of wine, and the night seemed to be going okay, until one parent decided to not keep her mouth shut. “So, is Calum not coming tonight?” She had a stupid smile on her face, the one that made her look like she was about to pry too far into your life.

        You let out a soft chuckle and shifted your weight, “Oh, um, no. Calum is on tour right now, he’s in Germany right now. He won’t be home for a couple more months.” You nodded as if you were trying to convince yourself that him not being home wasn’t slowly eating you from the inside out.

        The stupid smile on her face never faded. “That explains a lot, then.” You narrowed your eyes and shook your head, trying to understand what she was referring to. She shrugged and the stupid smile grew bigger. “I’m just saying with Calum not being home a lot, it makes a lot more sense that Aiden is a bit on the,” You raised your eyebrows and leaned forward just waiting to hear what this woman was about to spit out. “Girly side.” The woman shrugged, the smile on her face making you want to punch her in front of everyone.

        “What the fuck is wrong with that?” You said without skipping  a beat. You raised an eyebrow and tapped your finger nails against the glass in your hand, trying to focus on the sound and not losing your cool in front of everyone and their kids. Alex grabbed your elbow as if to tell you she had your back, the feeling made your blood simmer a bit. You tilted your head waiting for the woman to dig herself out of her hole.

        The same stupid smile was sitting on her face, but her eyes changed to show that she was suddenly uncomfortable. “Well, I’m just saying that if Calum had a normal career that Aiden would be able to grow up with a father figure, and focus on the things boys should focus on.” She nodded to herself as if that was a completely rational thing to say.

        Alex looked over at you as you grinded your teeth together. In hopes of keeping your rage at bay, you tossed back the last bit of wine in your glass and took a deep breath. “What exactly do you propose Aiden should be focusing on?” You narrowed your eyes again and tilted your head the other direction.

        Her mouth hung open as she stumbled over her words. “Aiden should be focusing on sports and cars and action movies, but instead he focuses on things like princesses and music and taking care of his little brother. I think it’s about time you tell Calum to quit the whole Rockstar thing so that he can stay home and teach his boys the right things.” She stood up straight and rolled her shoulders back as if she were standing her ground.

        Your blood absolutely boiled as you looked over at Alex. Alex looked over at you at the same time and you exchanged a look. You laughed and licked your lips before looking up at her, “Aiden has every right to be into princesses because princesses are normally portrayed as strong independent women who just happen to fall in love with a guy that goes through some treacherous adventure with her. Maybe in the future he’s going to learn that the woman he falls in love with doesn’t need him, she wants him. Or man, for that matter, because he could fall in with a man, who the fuck cares, because I know that my son will treat his significant other better than you because of the fact that he doesn’t focus on stupid shit like sports, or car, or action movies. Aiden focuses on music because it’s what his dad does, and it’s what his dad loves, music brings those two closer than I’m sure any of you are to your kids. And the reason Aiden focuses on taking care of his little brother is because he’s not an asshole. Neither Calum or I have ever asked him to help take care of Logan, but he does it because he cares.” You shrug and let out a breath that felt like it might be fire. “But, yeah, let me tell Calum to quit the dream he’s had since he was fourteen so he can teach our child to be a ‘man.’” You waited for a second to see if anyone had anything else to say. When no one spoke up, you nodded once and turned on your heels. As you walked away from the group of parents, you slammed the wine glass down on the table, hard enough that the stem broke and the glass rolled off the table.

        It took a while for you to cool down. It wasn’t until you were at home and sitting on the edge of the pool with your feet dangling in the water, and a drink in your hand that you finally calmed down. Alex sat next to you, her legs dangling in the water as well, laughing at how stupid those parents all sounded. Your phone vibrated, and when you looked at the screen, it was a message from Sierra. There was a video that was taken with someone’s phone and a message under it, “The boys had an interview today that Andy caught on his phone, but isn’t being aired, I think you should watch this.” You pulled your eyebrows together and tapped the video.

        The interview was normal up until the point when the interviewer said something rude about a picture the paparazzi had taken of all of you while you were out with Ashton before the tour started. “Calum, your wife looks as if she’s struggling to get that baby weight to go away, huh?” The interviewer laughed as if that was something most people joked about.

        Calum kept a polite smile on his face, but he pulled his eyebrows together and looked at the camera. You could tell he was about to lose his shit, but Calum was usually pretty quiet and reserved. You felt your heart race as he looked back at the interviewer and asked a simple “I’m sorry?” His leg bounced and his fist rested against his thigh, it was his tell-tale sign that he was absolutely pissed off. The interviewer laughed and waved his hand as if brushing off what he said, “No, no, tell me again what you just said about my wife.”

        The interviewers face fell and he gulped, “I’m just saying she looked a lot prettier before she had two kids, you know, I mean most women look prettier before having two kids. I don’t mean any offense to you or her.” He chuckled nervously, realizing how badly he just fucked up.

        Calum sat up straight and laughed, all of the boys looking at him with wide eyes, almost as if they were waiting for him to say something, because if he didn’t, they would. “My wife was beautiful before having two kids, but after having two kids she is absolutely extravagant. You know why, because the changes her body went through to have those two kids made her who she is, and those changes are absolutely breath taking.” Calum shrugged and shook his head, “Yeah, I don’t think I can sit in an interview with someone who just insulted not only me, but the love of my life and mother of my children.” With that, Calum stood up and walked away, and the video stopped.

        You held your phone tightly, swallowing the lump in your throat. “Damn, I’ve never seen Calum that angry.” Alex said over your shoulder, as you chuckled and pretended nothing that was said bothered you.

        By two A.M. you figured sleep was something that just wasn’t going to happen, still wrapped around the thought of someone realizing how much your body has changed since you had Aiden and Logan. You reached to the side table and grabbed your phone, tapping the phone to FaceTime Calum. He answered, a big smile spread across his face. “You’re not supposed to call me for another three hours.”

        You rubbed the back of your neck and nodded, “I know, I can’t sleep.” You smiled at him and the smile on his face faded.

        He left the room and went to somewhere that was a bit more quiet. “Is everything alright? Why can’t you sleep?” He took a drink from his red solo cup and you closed your eyes.

        “Today was horrible, Calum. I went to that stupid ‘family night’ with Alex and ended up getting in a fight with another parent because she told me that you should quit your career so that Aiden can be more manly.” You looked back to Calum who was frozen in place. “I told her off, Cal, I did. I’m not going to let anyone insult my kid, or my husband.” Calum lowered his head and nodded, obviously realizing that you saw the video. “And then that video, I mean, thank you for standing up for me, baby, but I feel so terrible now.” You shook your head and lowered it to hide the tears that were forming at the edge of your eyes.

        “I told Andy to delete that video. That guy was an asshole, I wanted to punch him, and I’m not usually one who wants to hit someone. I need you to listen to me,” He paused waiting for you to acknowledge that he had your full attention. You looked up at the phone and nodded. “You were, and still are, and always will be the most beautiful woman I have ever laid my eyes on. You should be proud of what having two kids did to your body, because you gave birth to two of the most perfect kids. That guy can fuck off, I love you for who you are, no matter how many kids we have.” The corner of your lips twitched. “Hell, I’m even going to love you and think your beautiful when we’re old and every inch of our bodies sag in places that shouldn’t sag.”

        You laughed and ran your hand along your neck, “You’ll still love me when my boobs hang down to my waist band of my pants?”

        Calum scoffed, “I still love you even if you have to tuck your boobs into your pants to keep them from flopping everywhere.” Calum cracked and smile and shook his head.

        You busted out laughing and quickly covered your mouth as to not wake Aiden and Logan who were fast asleep in the room across the hall. You shook your head and looked into the phone. “I love you so damn much, Calum.”

        “I love you too, baby. Why don’t you get some sleep and I’ll call you later when it’s stupid early here?” You smiled and agreed, finally feeling the exhaustion wash over you. As you laid back in bed, you couldn’t help to think what the hell you did to end up with a man like Calum.

************

Tag list: @mantlereid @notinthesameguey @viiirg0 @wheniminouterspace @thinkofmehlgh @another-lonely-heart @limer-encia @itsmytimetoodream @babyoria @treatallwithkindness

[andythane]

HOLY WATER CANNOT HELP YOU NOW  I’VE COME TO BURN YOUR KINGDOM DOWN

MAY 19TH, 2021. OUTSIDE OF LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA. notes & tw: this is literally all just bloody, brutal violence of every kind. andy, along side wes and wyatt, gets revenge on the rogue’s responsible for attacking rowan in february. italics are flashbacks, ps. tw for very graphic murder, lots of blood, violence, gore (eye, specifically), stabbing, decapitation/dismemberment,  tc ahead. please read at your own discretion, it’s a lot.

The first time he kills someone, he’s twenty years old. Four months after he’d been officially patched into the club, reconciled with Rowan, and started this new chapter of his life. He knew what the patch sewn to his cut meant -- He had grown up next to it, had seen his father come home at all hours of the night covered in blood with a smile on his face as he slapped his gun onto the kitchen table and happily declared he needed a beer. That being said, doing it yourself and hearing stories were so comically different it made his head spin. 

Most of the ride, he’s quiet, staring out the window of the Wyatt’s jeep as they drive through the backroads. There’s not much conversation to be had once they’ve gone over the plan, all three men knowing exactly what they’re going to this warehouse for. It’s roughly a two hour car ride, giving Andy enough time to go mentally go over the weapons he’s brought with him -- The gun tucked into his cut, one tucked into the waistband of his pants, one strapped to his ankle; The knife tucked in his boot strap, the other in the sheath of his belt. He’s nothing if not prepared. Andy goes over their placement for the thousandth, unneeded time, thinking through every what if scenario he could find himself in. It’s not often that his paranoid nature actually becomes a benefit. 

They know the layout of the building, where each of them will cover, and the amount of people that will be there -- But he likes to prepare for the worst and the best, knowing from experience that they’re likely going to meet a mixture of both. Andy’s planned and executed this kind of thing enough times to know how to go about it blindfolded. At this point, it’s just like riding a bike. 

He wonders what Wes is thinking, if his mind drifts back to Jace asleep at home, unaware of the violence going on around him; If Wyatt is imagining Iris in her hospital bed three months ago, scared of the oxygen mask strapped to her face. All Andy can think of is Rowan, sobbing in his arms while struggling not to move and potentially injure herself further, tearfully telling him why she hadn’t shown up to dinner.

It’s been a while since he’s found himself in this kind of mindset, having hung up his metaphoric hat when it comes to hitman jobs in the last few years. After his time in prison, Andy knew he had to lay low -- Being on parole, and having a daughter to raise changed his priorities. While the money from his ‘freelancing’ had been nice, he and Rowan had enough saved to last them a lifetime, especially with his cut of the guns the club sold, and her salary. There was no need for it now, not like when they were struggling to pay rent and put Rowan through school. Though, he couldn’t deny the high that came with planning a job was one Andy didn’t know he desperately missed. It used to scare him, how exciting he found this -- The rush that came from a stake out, figuring out each detail all the way down to the small possibility, the thrill of actually pulling his gun and breaking through the door. Now he welcomes it like an old friend. 

He always imagined it would be a fair fight -- Or at least, not like this. Whenever the thought came to mind, he pictured himself wrestling some bond villain looking guy, the two diving for the gun that had been cast aside. It was naive, childish even -- But he didn’t expect that he’d be pointing his gun at someone who couldn’t be much older than him, one who was sobbing through swollen eyes, pleading for his life. His father kept his hand’s firmly planted on the kid’s shoulder’s to keep him from squirming out of the rickety chair, acting like this was a prize for a job well done. This could easily have been me, Andy thinks. Had this job gone wrong, he has no doubt Cronus wouldn’t hesitate to put him into that chair, make an example out of his son. Only, it didn’t. It was nothing short of an absolute success. 

His father says something, but Andy doesn’t hear it. Jason is somewhere in the background cheering him on. Andy’s heart is pounding in his ears, both hands holding tightly to his gun, fighting to conceal the fact that they’re shaking. The gun is pointed directly at the poor kid’s head, Cronus’ steady hands keeping him from getting away from his obvious fate. Andy glances to his father for a moment, the wild look in the man’s surely meant to be read as adrenaline fueled pride. This is Andy’s first job after being patched in, and he had proved himself thus far. Now he just needed to finish this. Andy wishes he had the strength to lift his arms just that much higher, and put a bullet in his father’s head. 

In that moment, he thinks of Rowan; Part of him wishes he hadn’t, based on the way his jaw clenches and his chest constricts -- He doesn’t want her to ever know about the horrible things he’s going to do, the horrible thing he’s about to do. Rowan shouldn’t have to see him for what he really is, what he’ll grow up to be: A monster. The rational part of himself reminds him that she already knows, and she’s still waiting for him at home, ready to pull him into open arms once he passes through the front door. 

He pulls the trigger. 

The kid’s blood splatters across Andy’s face.

They move quietly, each taking different sections of the warehouse. Wes covers the open space where the guns lie, Wyatt takes the small offices turned into ‘bedrooms’, while Andy takes the conference turned war room. He knows this is only a piece of the Rogues puzzle, but it’s a step in the right direction. They don’t plan on leaving anyone behind to tell the others what happened -- The grizzly scene and blood splattered across the walls will paint the picture for them. 

His back remains against the wall, pulling his gun from his cut as he moves quietly, the three men in the conference room too distracted by their own conversation to notice Andy slipped into the dimly lit room. He makes presence known by firing a bullet into one man’s -- His name is Sam, based on the conversation Andy heard before entering -- knee, which creates a flurry of action as everyone tries to dive for the guns on the table. It’s the obvious move, one that Andy had anticipated. His hand reaches for the underside of the table between the four men seconds after his gun first fires, sending the flimsy plastic table over, their guns scattered and out of reach. 

Sam fits one of the descriptions Will gave him, of a shorter, stocky man, blacked out ink covering him aside from a poorly done mermaid tattoo covering his throat. The man across from Sam fits the bill, as well  -- Blonde, long hair, scar across his cheek, entire right arm covered in blacked out tattoos. Jack, Andy’s memory recalls. The man in question tries to make a run for one of the guns, but Andy stops him with a bullet to the stomach. Enough to knock him down, but not enough to immediately kill him. He wants them alive for this, to feel the same terror and pain Rowan did that night. They’re not going to be lucky enough to get a bullet to the head first. 

The third and final man is one Andy recognizes now that he’s face to face. His name is Danny, but he’d been called Tex during his time in the club. (The nickname was stupid then, and it’s stupid now, Andy thinks.) He had his ink blacked out and left town roughly ten years ago after screwing the club over. The surprise reunion is enough to catch Tex off guard, enough that he hesitates, eyes narrowing as he takes in the scene in front of them. Both Sam and Jack bleeding on the floor, the former clutching his leg and screaming to the third to Do something, you fucking idiot. So, he does. The man charges forward, managing to knock Andy to the ground given the fact that he’s got about a hundred pounds on him. 

They struggle as Tex tries to wrestle the gun away from Andy, before it gets thrown to the side in the fight. Punches are thrown on both ends, a ringing settling in Andy’s ears after a particular blow to the side of his head, though it doesn’t deter him. Andy manages to roll them over, holding the other man down with knee pressing down on his throat. Tex claws, scratches, and hits Andy in an attempt to get out from under him, but the cut off of oxygen makes it more difficult. He gets a few good blows in, though -- There’s blood dribbling down Andy’s arms from scratches, bruises that have already begun to form. He doesn’t notice, too focused on keeping the man under him from getting out of his grip. His hands move to hold Tex’s head, Andy’s thumbs digging into the inner corners of his eyes, gouging them as deeply as he can manage. 

He can’t help but wonder if the three men have realized this isn’t about killing them; It’s about watching them suffer. 

The fact that Tyson is still breathing is enough to send Andy into a tailspin. He had hoped the spineless piece of shit had fucked off somewhere, given that he hadn’t made an appearance in his and Rowan’s life in quite some time. Andy’s attempts at optimism always seem to be met with harsh reality, though, one that consistently proves the obvious: It’s childish to try and see the best out of a situation like this. He knows this as he throws the man off his front porch, knowing he has to take care of this problem himself -- Restraining orders and the local cops just aren’t going to cut it. Not when he and Rowan have a fragile six month old daughter sleeping in a crib down the hall.  

His downfall is the fact that he reacts, he doesn’t plan. Andy knows better. The reason he’s been so successful with the club is his commitment to discretion, detail, and planning. He analyzes that night over and over for the next three years from the comfort of his prison cell, imagining how he would have killed Tyson if he had taken the time to do it properly -- Instead of grabbing his baseball bat, and kicking the front door in. He would have made it last longer, Andy decided. Prolong his suffering, before letting him gain a shred of hope that he’d make it out alive — Before finally putting him in the ground. That being said, the satisfaction that comes from the look of pure fear on Tyson’s face the moment he sees Andy come through the door? Unmatched. 

The mental image is one that never fails to bring him a swell of pride. He can still hear the sound of his bat crushing bone, feel the way his heart skipped a beat with each and every hit. It didn’t matter if there was blood flying, covering him in the evidence; The fact that he hadn’t been quiet in his entrance; The sound of distant sirens headed their way, after a loud, shrill scream rang out. All that mattered was crushing Tyson’s skull, ending the iron grip he’s had on Rowan’s life for the better half of a decade. He didn’t care what happened next, as long as his wife and daughter were able to live in a world where Tyson Grant didn’t. 

He only regrets not being able to finish the job that night. 

It occurs to him, as his foot comes stomping down on Sam’s already shot knee, that he hasn’t done anything like this since prison. He’s gone on runs, jobs, the works -- Hell, he even threatened to brain Will in his own home. Everything pales in comparison, though. In prison, they had to be more creative; Breaking bones, cutting off fingers, slitting throats before the guards showed up. It was all quick and dirty, done by hand. There was no choice in the matter -- If he wanted to finish out his sentence, see his wife and daughter, even have a chance of making it to the end of the week at all, Andy had to get rid of the other guy. The protection that came with being a Primordial didn’t go as far as one would hope. There’s a reason they used to refer to him as the Grim Reaper. Years later, and he’s made it clear that he hasn’t lost his touch. 

This man doesn’t want to fucking die, though. The way he keeps clawing at Andy, yelling obscenities between each scream of pain. He makes proclamations about how he’s going to kill Andy, calling him every name in the book as he tries and fails to fight for his life. A hard kick to the head shuts him up for a moment, disorienting him enough before Sam musters up enough energy to stab Andy in the calf, almost successful in knocking him to the floor. Clearly, the man got a last surge of something, accompanied by a knife he hadn’t realized Sam had on him.  This only provokes an annoyed grunt and eye roll from Andy. He stumbles down onto one knee from the surprise of the movement, a stab to the man’s arm with the knife from his boot strap gets Sam to let go. He does, going limp as his knife is stuck in Andy’s calf. It doesn’t stop him from continuing the effort though, within a moment Andy’s on top of his unconscious victim, stabbing him in the chest over and over again like he’s in a cheap horror movie. 

In that moment, he loses himself  -- Something snaps, taking him back to the night he’d gotten a call that Rowan was in the hospital, the way he so desperately pushed down all of the anger and rage that came with knowing she’d been hurt at the hands of these assholes. Everything he’s fought to hold at bay for the sake of his wife, the kids, his sobriety, the club -- It all bubbles to the surface now, when he’s not worrying about keeping the kids safe and Rowan above water. When all there is is this room, and him, and the people that have to pay for the crimes they’ve committed. 

Every emotion he’s expertly avoided, every ounce of it boils over as he stabs the Rogue over and over until they’re both covered in blood. The need for vengeance for what they did, the way they turned Rowan’s life upside down and left her afraid to look over her shoulder; Guilt over the fact that Andy, yet again, couldn’t protect the person he holds so dearly; The power that comes with knowing these men are at his mercy, ready to beg for their lives in a last ditch effort to survive what’s coming next. It all hits him like a freight train, leaving him a little dizzy. Though, that may be from the hits he’s taken himself, blood he’s lost -- Andy doesn’t take the time to find out. Instead, he comes to once he realizes the man under him is long dead, having succumbed to the injuries inflicted after the first few stabs. 

The revelation stuns Andy momentarily, as he tries to catch his breath. If there was any witness to this, they’d see how frenzied the moment had become, that there was far more pent of emotion attached to this than Andy initially realized. Eyes glance to the two men left -- Tex, having passed out, and Jack slumped against a wall trying to stay conscious, a string of profanities passing his lips in a hoarse voice. His attention turns to his hands after that, steady but covered in a mixture of Sam’s blood and his own. A blood soaked piece of hair falls forward and onto his cheek as Andy wipes his hands off on his shirt, a wave of frustration running through him. Of fucking course he’d get blood in his hair, and now -- More on his face. He makes a mental note to book an appointment for a haircut. 

They cut the man’s fingers off one by one, moving slowly and deliberately. The man in question, Gerald, is tied to a chair in the kitchen of the prison, thanks to a guard that’s on the MC’s payroll. No one is going to give a second thought to the sound of muffled screams or a hacksaw from the locked up tool shed going missing for the night. Andy’s only been out of the hospital for a day at this point -- The guy he’s torturing, having been responsible for his brush with near-death.  Gerald felt bold enough to go after Andy with a homemade shank, trying to get even for some issue he held with Cronus. It was laughable to him, considering Andy hated his father just as much as this sorry bastard.

Andy had hoped to make it through his sentence by keeping his head down (for the most part, at least) doing what he needed, sticking with the right crowd -- Club members who were serving life sentences. His name gained him respect, plenty of other inmates happy to keep an eye on Cronus’ boy, but the revenge he’s getting tonight is what gains him his reputation. He becomes the go-to for these kinds of things, the one his fellow club members call on to take care of problems they have behind bars. Rowan’s words ring in his head -- Do what you have to do to stay alive. Come back to me. Playing executioner for the club wasn’t his first choice, but if it’s what kept him safe and gets him home, so fucking be it. Plus, killing the man who had tried to murder him in the showers brought Andy plenty of satisfaction. What kind of person would he be if he let some jaded idiot get away with almost killing him, right?

First the fingers, then his hands, and so on and so forth -- Dismemberment isn’t something new, Andy himself has had to cut up a few bodies so they can get rid of the evidence before. Though, typically speaking, the person isn’t still alive as they do it. Watching this guy suffer was just icing on the cake. Each time Gerald passes out, they cauterize the wound and pull out the smelling salts to give him a fake sense of safety -- That now they’re done, eye for an eye, the message is sent. Only each time he’s lulled into a half-dazed security, they stuff the rag back in his mouth and cut off another limb. It was going to be a long night.

He finds himself with a moment where he can tend to the wound he’s gotten — It's not a particularly deep stab, but it hurts like a bitch and that stupid knife looks fucking dull once he pulls it out and can actually get a good look at it. Not wasting anytime, and to  make sure he doesn’t lose too much blood, Andy works quickly. The last thing he needs is to pass out and run the risk of getting himself killed, or having to have Wes haul him out over his shoulder. He has to get creative for now, knowing they can’t exactly make a pit stop at the ER on the way back and he doesn’t want to call Rowan after, given the fact that they’re bringing one of the Rogues back with them to get information out of -- So he moves to rip off part of Sam’s torn pant leg so that he can get pressure on the wound. Using a piece of folded up denim, he holds it against his injury, tying a piece tightly around his calf to keep it in place. It’s not great, but it’ll do for now, until he can get to a proper first aid kit. Andy can practically hear Rowan in the back of his head, scolding him for getting hurt in the first place. Once she knows the context, he’d imagine she probably wouldn’t think much of the injury after. 

The sound of Tex’s screams pulled his attention, the man having regained consciousness and begun to panic -- The knee jerk reaction from Andy is to pull his gun back out, silencing Tex with a bullet to the chest. Andy unloads the rest of his clip into the man as he approaches, finding himself feeling lighter and lighter with each shot, despite the fact that he’s now limping. An unbearable amount of helplessness has weighed on him the last six months — Like all he can do is watch these terrible things happen from the sidelines, only able to help tend to the aftermath rather than keep his loved ones safe. What has left him lying awake at night as been the feeling that he’s constantly one step behind, always a minute too late — Whether it’s the shipment getting hijacked and Blake getting to him hours later, homes being burned down while he’s shooting up a warehouse, his own wife lying beaten and bloody in the middle of the street while he sits at a restaurant waiting for her. One thing after the other.

It’s unclear what kind of man it makes him to take such pleasure in revenge -- That he isn’t haunted at night by the people he’s killed or the homes he’s wrecked for the right amount of cash. Maybe it’s proof that he really is his father’s son, or that he’s just as heartless as people believe him to be. Andy’s not sure if it matters much at this point. The idea of knowing he is sending these assholes to an early grave gives him a sense of peace he hasn’t felt in a long time, one he wasn’t sure he’d ever know again after Valentine’s Day. This isn’t the end of the Rogues, but it’s retribution for what they’ve done, bringing him more clarity than ever before. Anyone who hurts the people he loves deserves to die screaming. 

Confusion finds him when the sound of a gun firing fills his ears with a familiar ringing, a bullet hitting the dead man on the ground in front of him rather than its intended target. Andy follows the direction it came from to find a wild eyed Jack, having managed to pull himself across the floor in a bloody heap, far enough to get to a gun, clearly struggling to hold himself up right even while propped against the turned over table. He had the element of surprise on his side, but Andy has the benefit of not having been shot in the stomach -- So he moves quickly across the small room, easily smacking the gun out of the man’s hand. It’s clear Jack is running on pure adrenaline and spite, though now that he got his one shot in, it’s running out. Fists colliding with the man’s jaw only speed up the process, though before he finally gives up and slumps over to side and lands on the floor -- He spits blood back at Andy, clearly trying to get in one last fuck you before he dies. Jack doesn’t get much of a reaction out of Andy, instead he stands up fully, giving the half-conscious man a good look before the heel of his boot meets his head over and over until he is long dead and unrecognizable. 

[palukoo]

amy, cj, donna, and andy!!!

them!!! they!!! the girls!!!

okay. so. this is gonna be another one where i do some sets of 2 first, and because of that it's going under a cut haha

amy & cj!! okay, i know we've talked about them, but... god they're everything. i touched on them in this post basically to say that like. in canon they are set up as friends (and, in fact, close friends) without really giving us much of that. i see them basically as having met at some women in politics function with cj at emily's list and amy at now, and making jokes and hitting it off easily and eventually through running into each other again and again actually talking. the other thing is that... amy and cj are really similar, actually. funny and smart as hell and confident on the surface, kind of a mess beneath that. it's the humor as a defense that josh calls cj out on, the confidence masking insecurities (specifically the fear of letting people down), down to one of my favorite parallels between them of "he thinks of you like a daughter, cj" "that's not a good enough reason to keep me around" vs anything when amy thinks abbeys gonna fire her or when jed kind of does. the difference with them is... cj's focused on public image and conforming to that, on loyalty, etc, and amy's really, really not, and is terrible at working for people.

donna & andy, oh how i wish we'd seen them more! in canon they've got a few lines in gaza, and they seem familiar, plus earlier on during sam's campaign in california there's scenes with the two of them even if they don't actually talk to each other. i... don't think they really know each other well, but i think they could find some common ground, especially after gaza and i really want to write about them dealing with their trauma from it together some, because i think they'd both have a certain level of survivor's guilt, and to an extent i also think that andy would feel really bad talking about it with donna because she wasn't in the car and didn't get hurt and donna did. i also think... i'm not at all an expert, but i assume donna would be knocked unconscious pretty immediately, and so i kind of headcanon that they have a really... careful? conversation where donna's sort of just asking andy what happened, if she's comfortable talking about it?

cj & donna are everything! they (and occasionally others? but mostly them) are like. the emotional, compassionate, optimistic centers of the show, really, which is... something i could talk about more considering they're the only two consistently present female characters really but yk... but it means that you get this thing of kind of reminding everyone else to be like. human, and i like this for them a lot as characters (even if from a gender perspective i don't necessarily). they also both do the quiet loyalty thing without such a complex about it oh my god. and one of the things i really do like about later seasons donna doing press is that she does it in a very cj way at times and that's kind of beautiful. and then... at some point i will put down coherent thoughts about no exit but i love how much they care about each other and calmly call each other out but get really defensive because the other thing about them is that they're both insanely perceptive and sort of evasive, and they're fighting but it's kind of each of them being like "let yourself be happy!!!" anyways. this post. yeah.

amy & andy!! so. amy & andy are really really similar. are y'all noticing a pattern yet? anyways, i mean, it's by nature of being love interest to a main man, and she's angry and funny and yells at him and makes fun of him and he's a little hapless and... yeah. but... any of these characters i can say "oh theyre smart and funny" thats any west wing character. amy and andy also just really want to fight, and don't want to give up or in ever. i don't think of them as super close, but i can't imagine a world in which amy hasn't fundraised for andy's campaigns, or where they haven't worked together trying to get some legislation to pass. in the same way that cj and donna (and abbey and helen) have the quiet loyalty to contrast, say, toby and josh's (and leo's) very blatant, always talked about loyalty, they... just don't have that. i'm not saying they aren't loyal, they just aren't insanely committed to it. they prioritize themselves and their agendas rather than others, which i don't think we're really supposed to like them for? but i find it refreshing. also. the energies they have in process stories? unparalleled. i love thinking about them working together.

oh does this mean it's time for amy & donna? okay. well. i think the thing about them is that people assume they don't like each other when they really actually do. i mean, like, yeah, we rarely see them together, but i also talk about them in the post i linked for cj & amy, and here. I think they make fun of josh together a lot. i think that donna is bothered by amy being antagonistic and frankly hypocritical towards josh but also recognized that it's a two way street, and it makes her frustrated with both of them. i think amy is (knowingly a little irrationally) hurt by josh's loyalty and care for donna over her (i... actually mean this platonically), and donna's seemingly blind loyalty to josh. but i think... amy validates donna's political abilities multiple times, and donna seems to admire amy. i think they become friends and trust each other a lot and make each other better. i can't write this answer and pretend i haven't written a 176k wip about them falling and being in love with each other.

and cj and andy!! i also can't pretend i don't have an outline + some snippets of a fic for them! we don't see much of them in canon, either, but like. there's that scene where they're both kind of yelling at toby that's pretty iconic. when that couple is harassing andy in that hotel bar in the california 47th, cj technically steps in before toby (very differently and i could write a whole thing on that too). andy at one point points out how cj is feeling to toby which is a lot. (that whole scene is a lot), and then in s7 the scene where andy is trying to get cj to get the president to pardon toby makes me crazy. i don't know that i can explain why i ship them, but i really really do, and i think that there's a lot of history in their relationship because of their jobs and because of toby. this is also a thing with amy and andy, but there's this interesting contrast because while i'm sure andy has insecurities, she also seems genuinely self assured. oh also there's... andy is kind of abrasive and accidentally hurtful on top of charismatic, and cj is very quiet with her (negative) emotions, and doesn't often lash out and instead internalizes a lot of stuff? it's an interesting thing about guilt and anger with them.

so... the four of them is fun! like, amy and andy just getting set off about something political, and cj and donna just like quietly agreeing/being amused and bringing up their own points maybe but the two of them are just going on. amy and/or andy being frustrated over something that josh and/or toby did, and bonding over it, and donna and cj being incredibly uncomfortable. i mean, i also just see this really clearly because i parallel their relationships a lot so like, cj and donna talking about... being sort of awkward/guilty/reluctant about being in a relationship with andy and amy respectively bc they don't want to hurt toby and josh, and andy and amy bonding over being really frustrated by this outwardly bc they're there own damn people, but deep down kind of understanding and relating to that guilt... i mean like, i think actually putting the four of them in a room together would be just deeply funny if a little stilted depending on the context, but none of them are the most "let's talk about my feelings" so i don't think a lot would come out between them in casual conversation. you get them in a situation where either donna or cj is doing the thing their very good at about calmly calling people out, or where either andy or amy is angry enough to not be thinking about if they're being hurtful? that's interesting, and because you can see the different ways that all of the sets of two have different ways they can relate or are the same, or even groups of three, and so depending on the specifics you'd get really different dynamics of who is agreeing with/supporting who and how.

[alchemist-shizun]

Walking the tightrope

Read on Ao3!

Word Count: 6.018

Characters: Janus, Virgil, Roman, Emile, Andy. (Patton, Logan and Remus mentioned once.)

Pairing(s): Platonic Anxceit, past platonic Royality

Warning(s): Angst, shooting mention, abuse, toxic parent, yelling, death, suicide, self-harm implication, scars mention, hospital mention, overdose, major character death, funeral, panic attack mention, breathing difficulty, self-deprecation/self-loathing, crying, swearing

Summary: Janus moves into a new town due to a tragedy and makes friends with Virgil. As he learns to support his new friend, he realizes how much life sucks even in new beginnings. When another tragedy dawns on him, he decides he's going to try to prevent this from happening ever again.

A/N: Guess what? This started out as a vent fic and then turned out to be... whatever the hell that is. Please read the warnings carefully. As much as it sounds like the saddest and angstiest thing you'll ever read, I promise that it somewhat has a happy ending. I also don't know how I managed to write 6k words, don't ask. Hope you can still enjoy!

✾

So long to all of my friends

Every one of them met tragic ends

With every passing day

I'd be lying if I didn't say

That I miss them all tonight

And if they only knew what I would say

« I know how it feels. »

« To be the new one around? »

« To be the odd one out. »

« Mh. Doesn't seem like you like it much here. »

« Oh believe me, » the stranger turned to Janus, the zips of his leather jacket clattering against the wooden table they were sitting on. « I'm going to be the first one to blow this town. »

That got a chuckle out of Janus, which made the stranger extend his arm.

« My name is Virgil and I don't usually come up to people and be all friendly, but you know, outsiders might understand how I feel better than the locals. »

« The longing feeling to just head home already when everyone else is staring at you and pointing fingers? Yeah, I get it. » the boy nodded, smiling in exchange, then he took Virgil's hand. « I'm Janus. »

« Well Janus, » Virgil wanted to laugh at the odd coincidence of roman-rooted names. « Let's have some fun in hell while it lasts. »

« Oh I already went through and came back five times. It'll be a piece of cake. »

They let their water bottles meet like they were clinking two glasses of white wine together, ready to cheer for an important occasion.

Three months into their friendship and neither had surprisingly bailed out.

« Come on, » it was dark outside and they, of all places, were making use of the kids' park's yellow light lamps. « Confession time. » Virgil sat on one of the swings and motioned for Janus to join him.

« Is that some sort of town tradition? »

« Nah, I just never got to play thirty-six questions in my golden teenage years. »

Janus got onto the swing next to Virgil, moving slowly and humming lost in thought.

« What do you want to know? »

« Anything you want to tell that comes to your mind. That's how it works. »

« This thing has rules? » Janus raised an eyebrow and watched as the other giggled to himself.

« No, I just made them up. »

He rolled his eyes, still smiling in amusement and tried to travel around his mind for any notion: as much as they had stuck together for a while, they still didn't know each other to the core.

Virgil shifted in his seat, swinging slightly thanks to his feet moving against the ground.

They started off with simple facts, how one of them had stolen candy as a kid and got away with it, how they had never watched some of the most famous movies, how they had pretty unusual interests.

Then something clicked, like a door opening for a safer, bigger space they could enter.

« I came here because we were forced to run away. » Janus let out after a brief pause.

Virgil turned to him, now all serious and focused. Careful.

« We lived in a very small town and there was a pretty brutal shooting in my neighborhood. » he sighed heavily. « They didn't catch the shooters, there were possibilities of them coming again so we were immediately gotten to safety. At least … at least the ones who survived. »

The other boy bowed his head, unable to imagine how that must have felt, leaving your childhood home without a single notice of whether your other relatives or your friends were alive or not.

« To this day we haven't gotten news from the detectives. » Janus reminisced of when he used to spend entire days with Remus and Logan. They did say they were going to hang out that day but he was too busy with homework …

He didn't want to think about it anymore.

« Your turn. » he dryly said.

Virgil got the hint and looked up at the sky as if in search of an answer; he was more debating whether or not to open up entirely like he did. Was it too early? He surely didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

Yet there was like some sort of force pulling him, pushing him to say whatever came up to his mind instantly.

He decided to play it somewhat safe.

« I have some scars. »

« Oh yeah? Childhood ones? Or surgery- »

Virgil shrugged. « More like … accidents. » that was what they were. Terrible accidents he hated but couldn't help but make real.

Janus snorted, definitely not having understood the implication. « Do you need someone to prevent you from tripping over ladybugs? »

Virgil considered it.

« Actually, yes, yes I do. »

If I could be with you tonight

I would sing you to sleep

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

One day I'll lose this fight

As we fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright

It was another one of those nights and Janus was growing sick of it.

Couldn't there possibly be a way to sneak his friend out of such a horrible home situation? If only there were laws permitting something like adopting someone your age …

His phone buzzed on the nightstand and he took it immediately, words of emotional despair appeared on his chat with Virgil.

He was just so done with life and Janus could almost feel it through their chat client.

At first it didn't seem too unusual. Virgil would give him snippets of when he fought with his dad, nothing too serious.

But then he noticed the frequency with which they happened, and Virgil started trusting him enough to explain the entire conversations they had; or, better, what his dad yelled at him for either ten minutes to half an hour before he was done and let the poor boy seal himself in his bedroom.

The worst thing was while he would feel like the worst person existing in the entire universe for the entire night, his dad would already feel peaceful ten minutes later.

In the meantime, he also destroyed Virgil's psyche with every fight that happened.

Not that he cared or even realized. He would've probably laughed at that statement.

Janus was just furious.

It had been six months ever since he'd gotten to know Virgil and there was no way someone so wonderful was being treated like trash.

He picked up his phone and put it to his hear, waiting for the other to respond.

Of course, when Virgil greeted him, he could hear his broken voice like tiny pieces of glass that were already broken, being stepped on time and time again, becoming nothing but dust.

« What the hell happened? »

« The usual. » he heard him sniff. « I simply exist, but I do it wrong. »

« Virgil there's not right or wrong way to exist. »

« I know that. It's him that does not. Everytime he comes pissed off from work he just needs to take it out on any of us back home I just can't do it anymore. I was only typing on my computer, didn't even say a word and it led to him insulting me because he saw one book on the ground. »

« This is insane. He is insane and I'm going to get you out of there. »

Janus started pacing around his room.

« Please. In any way you can find, please do it. »

His heart sank at the urgency.

He still had no clue how to help, so he simply sat on his bed.

« How am I supposed to live like this for another probably five years with all the university stress I'm already going to have? »

« Does his yelling make you less motivated in studying? » maybe grounding him, finding exactly how he was affected, could help.

« I get unmotivated at everything. It's as if a depressive episode just hit you all at once while you were having a pretty okay day. I just … » there was a pause on the other side. « I really haven't told this to anyone else because I was always scared of it. »

Janus was immobile. « Go on. »

« Everytime he even just looks at me with a hint of disgust or any general negative connotation I already feel awful. And when he criticizes me to the point of insulting me it's even worse and it's like all of his negativity transformed into self-loathing in me. »

He bit his lip: he really wanted to punch a man.

« Basically, you believe everything he says. »

« In the long run it's impossible not to have all those degrading adjectives marked in your brain. But it doesn't end there. I feel so angry at myself, not because I wasn't smart enough to prevent the fight but because I can't help myself. No matter what I do, it's always going to end bad. »

« And it's not like you can talk back either. »

« Oh no, » he chuckled sadly. « I'd make everything worse. I just say nothing and wait for him to let it all out. And then … then I leave and that's where the scary part comes. »

« You mentioned it earlier … what scares you? » Janus was afraid of the answer.

« Uh, well. You know how I said that I become incredibly self-hating? It's like this ball of anger at the pit of my stomach and it's as if something inside me were telling me to hurt myself to make it stop. »

« Hurt yourself? » he really didn't like where that was going.

« I hate it as much as you do, but it's a thing I don't control. It's this part of me that keeps screaming in my head or I won't be satisfied. So I do it, I … those scars I told you about, I did them. It's the only way I have so far that quiets down my anger instantly. And what scares me is … sometimes I don't even regret it when I truly realize it. »

Janus considered what to say, he didn't want to overreact or scare him even more than how much he already was.

« Okay, I think maybe you don't regret it because you feel better afterwards, right? »

« Possibly. »

« As for it being the only solution you have. You have already considered having a distraction but it didn't work, probably. Is that because you feel like you can't do it by yourself? »

There was some silence on the other side, so he gave Virgil all the time he needed to come to terms with his feelings.

« Alone I'm sure I can't do anything. I mean, look at what kind of conditions I'm in right now. »

Janus sighed. « Then let's do this. Let's talk like this everytime you feel like that. »

« Janus- »

« Give me a code word you can text me and I'll ring you immediately. »

« J, I already did it. Tonight, I did it, I did it before I was able to write to anyone. » his voice felt choked, like he was about to cry again.

« Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad at you. The important thing is you got yourself treated. Breathe. »

After some more words of reassurance, Janus told him to lie down while keeping his phone close.

He sat with his back against the wall instead, an idea in mind.

« You like My chemical romance, don't you? »

« This is not a good time to shame my musical preferences. » he let out a chuckle. « But yes, I do. »

« Okay then, close your eyes. »

« What, is Gerard Way going to appear in my room once I open them again? »

Janus mentally slapped his arm. « Will you just work with me? »

« Alright, eyes closed. »

The boy took a deep breath, before starting to hum a song Virgil immediately recognized.

It surprisingly worked, as he focused only on Janus's voice and the way his singing differed from the original, how it was softer due to the hour, how everything felt better when you didn't think of the world surrounding you.

« Just remember you will always burn as bright. »

Soon enough, Virgil wasn't responding anymore and Janus ended the call, settling into bed as well with one horrible thought.

How long until Virgil couldn't endure that anymore?

Be strong and hold my hand

Time, it comes for us, you'll understand

We'll say goodbye today

And I'm sorry how it ends this way

If you promise not to cry

Then I'll tell you just what I would say

He should've known.

Ever since he heard a knock on the door so late at night he should have known something was wrong.

Virgil appeared on the other side of the door, looking distraught as though there had been a ghost instead of his friend right in front of him.

« I did something bad. » it was like he didn't even believe his own words.

Janus's eyes widened. « What happened? »

And then, for some reason, he seemed to withdraw.

« It's nothing- I just … Can you come out? »

Janus stepped outside, a little weirded out by the sudden request as it was almost midnight.

Talking to his friend didn't seem to be an option; he just kept quiet, he was distressed and wiping away at his silent tears, trying to not make Janus notice as he steadied himself by holding his hand.

If only he'd understood sooner.

Virgil led him to a spot, a little hill nearby the city you could reach by walking about fifteen minutes from their little neighborhood. There was none at that time, just a lonely bench.

Yet the upset boy preferred to sit on the grass.

« Will you tell me what's bothering you? »

« I just don't want to be alone right now. » Virgil responded through the tears.

Janus felt anxiety rising in his chest as he murmured an “okay” and strengthened the grip around the other's hands.

Only a beat of silence before the world came crashing down and the sky fell on their heads.

Virgil launched himself at Janus and hugged him with all the might that was left in his body. He felt arms around him hugging him back, hearing words of concern he didn't want to answer because once he voiced reality it would have become too true and he was too scared to accept it.

Tic, tac, time was running out.

« I took some pills. » he blurted out.

He felt hands on his shoulders pulling him back.

« What? What pills? How many? »

Janus's stare was unbearable, he couldn't look up anymore, it felt too heavy. Too heavy, too much.

« I don't know, » his shaking hands wiped away a tear. « All of them! » he yelled, finally. He gasped for air right after, he thought this was because of his crying, but he sure as hell knew his body was starting to shut down.

« All of them?! » he could feel the tears in Janus's voice as his grip on his shoulders tightened.

Virgil started sobbing again and brought his hands to his face. « Please don't leave. » he murmured.

« I won't. I- » Janus was shaking as well, he had just sent a text for someone to call an ambulance. What else could he do? « How long has it been since you took them? »

Virgil shook his head violently. « Too long- too late. »

« It's never too late. The doctors will arrive soon- »

« Late. It's- They won't. Not in. Time. » he wasn't able to talk properly anymore, he wasn't sure whether it was a panic attack or his respiratory system failing him. « Almost three hours ago. »

« Three … » Janus was shocked.

He was suddenly stiff. Three hours was enough for a person to die of overdose.

« I was scared to go alone … » Virgil admitted through the tears again, not looking up, fear stuck in his throat. « I needed to see you one last time. »

Janus was took over by an uncontrollable need; he took the other's face in his hands and forced him to look at him. « You should've called me. » he retorted, trying to repress the sobs.

« I couldn't. I'm sorry. » Virgil put his hands on the other's arms. He apologized again and over again until Janus told him he didn't have to and he didn't need to be forgiven for anything.

« You're angry. »

« I'm heartbroken, Virgil. You didn't get what you deserved because of the horrible people surrounding you. That's not fair! » his voice rose at the last sentence. Yes, he was actually angry, but not at him. He was many things and felt many things at once and he didn't know how to handle those feelings again.

« I don't want you to go. » he had hugged him instantly, because seeing his face meant it was happening, while looking at the dark meant absolutely nothing.

« It's okay. »

« No, it's not. »

There were sirens in the distance.

None of them said a thing in their embrace for a whole minute, their silence broken only by the occasional sobs.

« Janus- »

He could feel Virgil's heart rate slowing down.

« No. No, no- »

The ambulance was coming, they could make it.

« I love you. »

« I love you too, just don't give up. »

« I think I will … lie down. »

Virgil's head dropped on Janus's shoulder: the other moved so he could rest part of his body on his lap.

« Hey J. When you see my dad again … » Janus lifted an eyebrow, he had been caressing his friend's hair in a state of panic for the past minutes. « Tell him he can go fuck himself. »

Janus let out some laughter that almost came off as hysterical with the state he was in.

« I will. I will, Virgil. I'll punch him for you. » he promised with a broken voice.

Virgil sadly smiled at him before closing his eyes one last time.

« Remember … » he whispered, voice low and cracked. « Take care of yourself. »

One last wish.

And he was gone.

Janus immediately doubled over himself, longing for screaming right then and there, instead he kept quiet, his face buried in a dead body.

Right after, he felt two arms lifting him up, he wouldn't have been able to register whatever had happened until the day after.

Those were the doctors.

They could make it, he had thought, stupidly.

Janus could only perfectly recall one moment of that night, when, at three a.m., as soon as he had gotten into a decent mental state to go back home, he reached what once was Virgil's household, knocking on the door.

And, when Virgil's father answered it, he punched him in the face.

If I could be with you tonight

I would sing you to sleep

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

I'll fail and lose this fight

Never fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright

Three days.

Three days is all it takes to organize a funeral.

Three days weren't enough for Janus to accept that any of that had been happening.

On the morning right after his death, his mother had commented on how there were news of a student's death and how terrible they were. Then she had looked at her son's shattered expression, his red eyes and marked eye bags.

She had frowned deeply and caught him in a long-lasting hug, understanding.

He didn't remember what happened on the second day apart from him staying in bed for far longer than necessary.

And then there he was.

All dressed up for the occasion on a Saturday morning, ten o'clock in the front rows of a building for a religion Virgil didn't even believe in.

Thankfully his family was on the opposite side of Janus's seating place.

Funerals were those types of events you couldn't miss, but that you couldn't also wait to leave; you promised yourself you wouldn't cry and yet tears would pool in your eyes at any heartfelt confession made, even the most fake ones.

Anything remotely sad is able to break you down where you're on the verge of weeping.

Still, choking back tears was the usual answer.

Janus looked up when Virgil's sister stood and walked in front of the altar, she was holding a letter and a microphone with both of her shaking hands.

She began talking about her brother and their childhood experiences, all the siblings stuff one would expect. Then she mentioned the letter in her hand.

It was a note Virgil had left before meeting with Janus. Something he knew nothing about.

She wanted to read it aloud.

He zoned out for most of it, not registering her voice like he actually didn't want to know. He caught glimpses of memories of his past and present, of the real people who cared, not one mention of his dad was made.

Then he heard his name and suddenly he couldn't focus anywhere else.

« I've only known him for a little less than a year and yet he's been better than anyone I had ever met in my eighteen years of existence. »

Janus put his hands on his face. How dare he leave him like that?

« It's going to hurt. Don't blame yourself. You couldn't prevent this. It was a choice I made alone. I know it sucks and it's selfish, but I wanted a way out. I'm glad I'm getting to spend my last instants with you and that I got to meet you in time. I'll greet you on the other side when time will come. »

She looked up at him and was met with a longing look that hoped she was over and done with that. She gave him a small nod and smile, then went back to read the conclusion.

Janus wanted to laugh, laugh and cry and curse Virgil.

The rest of the ceremony went by and it was now his turn to bid his last farewell.

He knew words were useless when it came to those situations, so instead he gently leaned in and started off humming a familiar melody.

« If I could be with you tonight, I would sing you to sleep. »

He wanted to reach out and shake him, tell him he knew he was pretending to be asleep and it was all a big prank so he could leave his family and run away.

Janus would've gone with him.

The light behind your eyes

Virgil looked like he'd taken the form of a storm cloud.

His skin gray, almost non human. Fully clothed with a suit he would've hated, Janus could hear his usual groan in his memories, which made him sadly laugh.

He looked cold and dead and too real and he hated it.

The light behind your

Janus closed his eyes only for a second.

A second in which that whole night came back to him; he felt Virgil's arms surrounding his chest, tears soaking his shirt, panic rising in his lungs.

He wished he could hold him again, take him away and let him into a safer zone.

Instead Janus's mind took him to the instant he watched as Virgil's eyes darkened, as if you could turn off a star, as if you could turn off the sun with a click.

Sometimes we must grow stronger and

You can't be stronger in the dark

When I'm here, no longer

You must be stronger and

The Monday after, Janus felt himself pushed by an incredibly strong and ardent force.

He had gone to school no problem under the aghast stare of his parents, impatiently waiting for the bell to ring for break time. Perfect, as he dared to admit they were, ideas had started to squirm in his mind ever since the funeral.

As he had gotten out of the church, he remembered meeting Virgil's sister, she had given him a hug, showing him how there was a spot in Virgil's letter she hadn't read in which he asked her to do so.

Right after that, his mother had approached him, knowing how close they were, she had uncomfortably mentioned the school therapist Virgil had wanted to meet, doctor Picani.

Emile Picani walked right past him as Janus had started going on the search for his next class.

« Excuse me, »

The doctor turned around in no time, a calm smile placed on his lips. « May I help you? » he spoke softly.

There was no way he didn't know who he was, given that the news of Virgil's suicide had ran around pretty quickly.

« Yes, I was actually looking for you. I'm Janus Dean, from the senior year, I was hoping I could ask you a favor. » there was a sort of electric buzz in his chest as he watched Emile furrow his eyebrows in interest.

« A favor? Therapy sessions aren't a favor I do for students, sweetie, it's my job. » he explained kindly.

Yeah, he didn't get it.

« That's not what I was looking for. I need another kind of help. » he tried, this time Emile simply nodded, letting him finish so he could understand.

« I know this is not the biggest city but as we've seen it doesn't mean there aren't people who need help, even with the smallest things, especially when they're young and experiencing hard struggles for the first time, »

« What I want to try to do is organize a support group made by youth for youth here in this school. I know Virgil was too afraid to actually come to you and I know there are more kids who would rather express their issues to people their age cause that's what happens everyday with online friends. »

« People understanding each other because they're going through the exact same thing at the same time, thus they can empathize so much better and feel at ease. I'm not trying to downgrade your job, on the contrary I wanted both your help to set this up and … well, I was hoping to be able to host it by myself so I'd need a hand on how I should … behave? » he finally looked up at the doctor, breathless.

Picani was smiling the widest he'd ever seen anyone do.

« Janus you are the most incredible person I have ever met. I would love to help! But at one condition: I'm going to stay with you in the first support meetings, then, when we agree you can handle it on your own, I'll leave you be. »

Janus's face lit up with hope and excitement, he sputtered out multiple thank yous and, afterwards, they set a day to work on their project and contact the school's principal to get the permission they needed.

He started walking towards a class he'd have had in ten minutes when he heard a younger voice call him. Janus turned around and found a boy he'd only noticed once or twice in the halls, he only remembered him heading for theatre club at times while he was leaving for home.

« Sorry, I couldn't help but overhear your conversation with doctor Picani. My name is Roman and I just wanted to say that … well, in short I have gone through a similar thing as you are right now, some years ago. » he looked down, reminiscing of his own experience.

Had Janus lived in that city long enough, he would've known of a middle school student's suicide case, Patton Jones.

« I always had this longing feeling to do something about it but I had felt hopeless until now. What I'm trying to say is, if you need help with your idea, I'd be more than happy to assist. »

Janus hoped that Virgil had been watching over him on that day, because that was the first time he felt like the wind was blowing his way.

« Thank you, Roman. You can already come to Picani's studio tomorrow after class if you'd like. » the other boy gave him a nod. « Until then. » they exchanges smiles and parted ways.

His project was going to see the light of day and there was nothing else he would've asked for in the world right then.

If I could be with you tonight

I would sing you to sleep

Never let them take the light behind your eyes

I failed and lost this fight

Never fade in the dark

Just remember you will always burn as bright

It took maybe a month for the support group to finally be successful: at first it was only Janus and Roman, waiting for people to show up and thus chatting along with the school's therapist.

Things started off as awkward until they worked together so well that more and more people were encouraged to show up.

Christmas holidays were drawing near and Janus was nothing but amazed at how far they had come.

He had just said goodbye to his co-host, Roman, and given Emile that session's achievements when he caught someone standing in front of the room's door as soon as he opened it.

« Oh? »

That couldn't be real.

There was a definitely younger boy standing before him, hands in pockets and the same grumpy expression he used to see on Virgil's face. He … he did somehow resemble some of Virgil's traits.

Janus shook that thought off of his head, reminding himself it was probably only because of their similar clothing choice.

When he noticed him, the stranger's eyes widened.

« Can I help you? »

« No, I was just- Well … »

« Did you want to listen? »

The boy probably took that as an attack as he retreated and made himself smaller in his black hoodie.

« It's okay if so, people can come and listen and not say a word if they aren't comfortable with talking. We want it to be a safe space for everyone, without being judged. »

He seemed to consider, standing still. « Okay. I'll see. »

« Well, » the older boy extended his arm. « My name is Janus, pleased to meet you either way. »

He gave him a weak smile. « I'm Andy. »

« Well then Andy, I'll see you around or at next week's meeting? »

Andy nodded and looked down, still hunched over himself; they waved at each other and went home.

It was nothing more than two days later that Janus found Andy sitting at the same wooden table he and Virgil had met.

All those coincidences were making him both dizzy and filled with energy: he reached his new acquaintance and sat with him.

« I know how it feels. » he found himself saying.

Immediately a pair of dark eyes were set on him, a questioning look in them.

« Being the odd one out isn't fun, is it? »

« I guess. I just want to finish high school and leave this town. Living with your parents this much can be unbearable. »

There was some silence, before Janus resumed talking.

« I can perfectly understand. You know, I actually had a similar conversation at this very table one year ago. »

Andy seemed to catch on what he meant right away, he looked up at Janus for the first time, finding a confident young man in front of him.

Janus let his head rest on his palm.

« When he used to vent to me, I'd be able to soothe him with a song sometimes. I'm not saying this exact song would help you in particular, but the concept of it can. Find one peculiar song that grounds you, make it yours for when you need it. »

Andy kept watching him as he explained. He looked at him as though a guardian angel had just dawned on him. How did he know of his profound passion for music?

« And you'll see that soon, unbearable will become conquerable. » he looked at Andy with seriousness in his eyes, but spoke with a kind voice. « Remember to always take care of yourself. »

He sat up. « I will leave you alone now. » he chuckled. « B- »

« No! »

Both of them stared at each other in surprise.

« I mean, » Andy cleared his throat. « You can stay if you want. »

Janus smiled at him and nodded: sitting back down, he noticed Andy's much wider smile.

« So, what music do you listen to? »

The light behind your eyes

He couldn't believe he had come that far.

Janus walked down a street in town, a few years older, his face's structure bolder, his mood as high as ever when he was about to approach the building where his organization resided.

Which was kind of surprising as it was the anniversary of Virgil's death.

Janus was satisfied, to say the least.

He recalled a conversation he had had years prior with Emile Picani about what profession he was thinking of going for and, without missing a beat, he had answered he wished to follow the path of clinical psychology as well.

He had found his call, becoming a therapist and hoping to help as many people as he could: he now was a full time therapist, with his own studio, also visiting schools and participating in the nightly Community Support Group he had founded along Roman.

Sometimes he crossed paths with Emile and, now kind of colleagues, they shared each other's words of wisdom and finally talked more as friends than as mentor and student.

The support group had grown into a pretty big organization and he had succeeded into raising awareness at least in the town he lived in; of course, the challenge was to extend it further, but ending up on local newspapers and in broadcasting services was already a good start, along with multiple online platforms he was trying to maintain with the help of both Roman, Emile and every kid who offered their help.

Their main goal as of then was to expand the meetings to different issues so they could try and work on more specific problems instead of having a messy general one.

Janus stopped to look at the poster on the building's wall.

Some graphic design students had designed the support group flyer: it showcased mainly a picture of Virgil, since they had founded that group in his honor.

It was his favorite picture of Virgil, with his soft smile and that sparkle in his eyes he could still notice even after seeing it leaving his irises firsthand.

It didn't matter what he saw, though, cause his memory lived in him, he lived through him and he knew he would have been proud of him.

Janus looked away with an enormous sense of nostalgia and walked up the stairs.

« Just remember you will always burn as bright. »

Janus entered the building, taking with himself the light behind Virgil's eyes.

[youvebeenlivingfictional]

Where You Want My Lipstick Part Nine

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Notes: This turned out way longer than I thought this chapter would be, soz If you’re viewing on mobile, I’ve noticed that the italics can get  a little wonky. For the conversations below, the texts that start with   ‘-’ indicated Reader’s texts. Thanks for all of the likes/comments/reblogs/replies. I’ll be honest, I was pretty nervous posting this story and the positive feedback has made me feel way more confident, so yeah. Thank you!! Not beta-read

The warnings below lists a running/growing list of warnings that vary from chapter to chapter. Not everything on the list below will be in every chapter.

Warnings: This fic has explicit sexual content.

Sugar daddy-esque relationship, oral sex, dirty talk, fingering, vaginal sex, Daddy kink mention, Dom/Sub dynamics, alcohol, under-negotiated kinks, possessive behavior, jealousy, public sex, cock warming, shower sex, phone sex, praise kink If you dislike these, please don’t read. Thank you. Pairing: Andy Barber x Reader

Summary: Andy wouldn’t give me any hints or clues about what he had up his sleeve.

After our little... talk, we seemed to have defined some of the invisible lines. Andy still teased me about coming into his office to fool around, but he never pressed, knowing I was wary of becoming the talk of the office. Our meet-ups weren’t limited to his place or weekends anymore. I told him when I was going out people (I hadn’t seen Max again after our drink, and hadn’t gone on anything that could be classified as a date) and he told me when he and Selena got another drink...And then another (though it seemed to stop at that).

--

AB: What are you doing this weekend?

I glanced at Andy. He rarely messaged me during meetings; he was typically too immersed in work, but the staff meeting had devolved into whether ketchup should be drizzled over fries, or left on the side.

I’ve got some stuff to do.

AB: Stuff you can put off?

Maybe. Why?

Andy’s eyes narrowed at me playfully.

AB: Can you clear your schedule, yes or no.

What are you planning?

AB: Yes or no. I leaned back in my seat, eyeing the chat window before I minimized it, opening my email and pretending to skim on as I considered the question. I had loosely made plans with a friend of mine, but we hadn’t set anything in stone; I needed to do some laundry, but besides that and maybe a Breaking Bad marathon, I didn’t have any pressing business. I glanced up at Andy, knowing he was still watching me, before I opened the chat window.

Yes.

--

Andy wouldn’t give me any hints or clues about what he had up his sleeve. He wouldn’t even come in when I invited him up that night. “What was the point in following me home, then?” I asked, folding my arms across my chest. He tipped his head to the side, amused at my irritation as he kept his distance, hands tucked in his pockets as he leaned against his car. “To tell you to be ready to go at one tomorrow afternoon,” He said. “Could’ve told me that over the phone.” He quirked a brow. “And because I feel like I never get to see you anymore. I mean outside the office, and besides...You know.” I averted my eyes, shifting from foot to foot. There was some truth in that. When Andy and I had had our disagreement, I hadn’t been ready to own up to the feelings I had for him - I still wasn’t, especially not to him. Before we’d fought, I’d gotten used to spending my weekends curled up in bed with him, or hanging out on his couch, ribbing him for the boxes left unpacked. We’d order takeout, or I’d talk him into letting me poke around in his fridge, making do with what he had there for dinner before we wound up back in bed. It felt sweet, domestic. It was one of the reasons I had felt so fucked up when we finally talked. What we had worked better now - I’d un-planted the mental flag I’d once staked at Andy’s apartment, on Andy, with that stupid, possessive, vicious little voice in me that whispered, “mine,” when I looked at him. Spending less time with him took the sting out of the truth: the relationship Andy and I had was sexual, full-stop. “We’ve both been busy,” I pointed out, lifting my head again to meet his eye. Andy didn’t say anything to that, just pulled his hand out of his pocket and held it out to me. When I didn’t take it right away, he asked, “What, you think I’m going to bite?” I rolled my eyes. “No, I’ve seen your face pre-bite. This face is much more calm,” I waved my own hand in the direction of his face before taking hold of his. Andy smiled, pulling me closer. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, and I felt myself relax a bit. “I’ll see you tomorrow, alright?” He said. I sighed, nodding. “Alright,” I agreed, looking up at Andy, “Are you coming to pick me up?” His eyes glinted mischievously, and I groaned. “Come on, you can’t even tell me that?” I whined. Andy leaned in, giving me a soft, teasing kiss. His tongue skimmed over my lower lip, then his teeth. He leaned away before I could chase the feeling. I groaned, closing my eyes. “... I deeply dislike you right now,” I sighed. Andy laughed, giving me another quick peck. “One o’clock. Don’t be late,” he said as he let go of me.

--

It felt like it took me ages to fall asleep. I couldn’t fathom what Andy was even planning. When I woke up the next morning, I had a text.

Sir🖤     Good morning, princess

I was glad he wasn’t there; every time Andy started in with a new term of endearment, it threw me at first. I could feel a blush rising to my cheeks and a warmth spreading through me. I read it over a couple more times, imagining how he’d say it - as a murmur, or a moan, or a growl. -Good morning, sir

Sir🖤     Pack an overnight bag. What time are you gonna be ready by?

A bag? I had at least one outfit’s worth of clothing at his place.

-One o’clock

Sir🖤     Good girl

I squeezed my thighs together, groaning in frustration. This wasn’t making me any less impatient for the day ahead. 

--

I dressed casually; Andy hadn’t given me any indication that we’d be doing anything outlandish or fancy, so I figured casual was a safe middle. I had gotten a text at 12:58 that the car was downstairs. I had assumed he’d meant his - with him in it. I was wrong. There was hired car waiting for me. The driver introduced himself as Joey as he took my bag from me, setting it in the trunk. “You’re not allowed to tell me where we’re going, are you?” I asked as I go into the car. He smiled a little, shaking his head. “I’ve been told it’s a surprise.” I leaned back in the seat, pulling my phone out.

-What are you up to? Sir🖤     Just relax, baby

I shook my head, narrowing my eyes at the phone. ‘Relax’. Like that was so easy.

-- Our first stop was a lingerie boutique. I was told we had half an hour before I got out of the car. I’d been there before with Andy - it had been a pretty quick trip, as we’d both wanted to get back to his apartment as quickly as possible. I flashed the salesgirl a smile as I began to look around. I fingered a few price tags, thoughtful. I found myself looking for things with Andy in mind. I usually didn’t - I focused on what made me feel hot - but I also knew from experience that when Andy was feeling impatient, he tended to get a bit hurried and rough, and was more likely to rip something off of me than to try and get it off the right way.

I picked out two sets - one white and one black. The white bra underwire framing, with no fabric anywhere else but a band than stretched across the nipples; the matching underwear were equally sparse - thick elastic bands to hold up the lace that covered what needed to be covered. The black set had a similar underwire cut, but there was a vertical black band to cover the nipples, as well as a floral crochet pattern that decorated the cup; the matching underwear was black mesh, high-waisted and cheeky. I knew we’d both love how my ass looked in them. I headed over to the counter to pay and when I passed the salesgirl my card, she frowned at it. “Something the matter?” I asked. “Oh! No, the opposite. It’s already taken care of,” She passed my card back to me before she turned, rooting around for something on her station. She produced a small handwritten card, passing it to me before she turned away to bag my order. I looked down at the card, reading Andy’s message, Can’t wait to see what you picked, sweetheart. Get back in the car for your next surprise.  I smiled down at the card, unable to help the giddiness I felt. It was like a treasure-hunt where I didn’t actually need to do any hunting. I thanked the salesgirl before heading back out to the car.

--

-Thank you, sir Sir🖤     You’re welcome, princess

-- The next stop was a clothing boutique. Joey mentioned that I had another half hour, and I thanked him. I was a little irked, though. Half an hour did not feel like enough. -I’m gonna need a tiny hint about what we’re doing

-Please, sir?

Sir🖤     Dinner.

And that was all I got. I raised a brow. Dinner. Well, if he was going to all this trouble, it was safe to assume he wasn’t going to just take me to grab takeout and then back to his. Us going out somewhere like that would be...New. I looked over the dresses, keeping the lingerie I’d just bought in mind. The black set would be easier to pair with something. I grabbed a few dresses that caught my eye right off the bat and tried them on. I settled on a low-cut, burgundy dress that hugged my body and had a hemline that stopped just above my knees. I figured I had finished with a few minutes to spare, but when I reached the cashier and handed over my card, the sales attendant looked dubious and said, “Mr. Barber asked me to tell you not to forget shoes and a purse.” So I wouldn’t be heading back to my apartment? I grabbed a pair of gold heels and a matching clutch, texting Andy as the sales attendant bagged the purchase. -How’d you know I’d forget?

Sir🖤     Just a hunch, sweetheart. You happy with your pick? -Yes, sir

Sir🖤     Good

-Am I heading to see you now?

Sir🖤     Not yet. Get in the car

I took the bag from the sales attendant with thanks and did as I was told.

-- When Joey pulled up in front of a spa, I was confused. “Um... You’re sure we’re at the right place?” I asked when he opened the door for me. “Positive,” He smiled. I thanked him before I headed inside. I gave my name and the receptionist smiled, informed me that I was right on time, and that my esthetician would be with me shortly. I sat in the reception area, pulling my phone out. I glanced at the ‘No Cellphones Beyond This Point’ sign and hurried to text Andy.

-You’re spoiling me.

Sir🖤     You deserve to be spoiled, princess

-I have to shut my phone off when I go in

Sir🖤     I know

-I like being able to talk to you :(

Sir🖤     You’ll get to talk to me later

I looked up as my name was called at I stood, still texting.

-I’m heading in now.

Sir🖤     Have a good time, princess

--

I had never been so relaxed in my life. Andy had pre-arranged for me to have a Swedish massage, a body polish, a manicure and pedicure, and for my hair and makeup to be done. I spent the entire time almost in a daze. There were moments when I selfishly wanted Andy to be there with me, but I pushed those thoughts away in favor of happier ones - how nice tonight was going to be, how good I felt... How much I liked Andy.

--

Joey drove me to a hotel a couple of towns over. I had no idea where we were going; Andy hadn’t answered my text asking when I got to see him once I got out of the spa. He helped me out of the car, getting my bags for me. When I went to tip him, he waved me off saying, “Mr. Barber’s got it.” There was a chilled bottle of champagne waiting for me in the hotel room when I got inside, and a handwritten note from Andy on the bedside table.

I’ll pick you up at 6:30, princess                                               -Andy

I smiled, putting the note back down where I’d found it. I opened the champagne, pouring myself a glass and setting it down beside the note. I took a picture of the two, texting it to Andy and adding Wish you were here. x

Sir🖤     Soon

-Can’t you come by and have some fun before dinner?

Sir🖤     Don’t be a tease

-Then can I have some fun before dinner?

Sir🖤     Don’t be a brat

I pouted, picking up the glass of champagne and taking a sip. When I didn’t answer his text, I got another one.

Sir🖤     Don’t touch yourself. Promise me. -I wanna

Sir🖤     I know you do. I want to, too, but we’re gonna wait. I’m gonna take care of you tonight. Understand?

-Yes, sir.

Sir🖤     Good girl

--

I didn’t know why I was so damn nervous. This wasn’t a blind date, it was Andy. But there I was, standing in the middle of the hotel room with paper towels folded in half and tucked under my arm pits to stop the stress sweat. I jumped at the knock on the door. I pulled the paper towels out from under my armpits, tossing it away and doing a quick double-check to make sure there were no bits stuck or left behind before I walked over to the door. I smoothed the fabric of the dress down before I opened the door. He looked good - he always looked good - in a slate grey button down and a pair of black slacks. “Damn,” I commented, looking him over. He laughed, cupping my cheek. “I was about to say the same about you,” He murmured before he leaned in, kissing me gently. I smiled, resting my hands on his chest. That smile quickly turned to a pout when he leaned away. “None of that, sweetheart, we don’t wanna be late,” He said, tapping the tip of my nose with his finger, “Grab your bag and let’s go.” As soon as I’d made sure I had my phone, room key, wallet, and lipstick, I met Andy at the door. He took hold of my hand, intertwining our fingers as we walked down the hall. I had the immediate urge to pull my hand away from his, but pushed it down. We weren’t in our town, where it was highly likely anyone could see us. No one around here knew us.

--

Dinner was at an Italian bistro a couple of blocks away. It was a quiet spot; Andy got us a table in the corner, where we could play footsie, hold hands, sneak the occasional kiss. It felt foreign to me, but definitely not unwelcome in any way. Even when we weren’t being touchy, things with Andy just felt comfortable. We could talk about work, sure, but that wasn’t all we had to talk about. It felt a little bit more like it had when my burgeoning crush on him had yet to be a fling, when we would still eat lunch together on a regular basis. It felt domestic and romantic and sweet. I ached for that.

-- I was on him the second we got back to the hotel room. “Slow down,” Andy laughed. I didn’t even care that he was laughing at me; I didn’t look away from where my freshly manicured, carnation pink nails were making quick work of the buttons on his shirt. “Hey,” He added when I didn’t stop, catching hold of my wrists to get my attention. I looked up at him, biting my lip, a bit bashful as I lowered my eyes back to his chest. “You’ve been taking care of my all day,” I said softly, “I wanna take care of you, too.” Andy’s eyes softened. “You know that just because I give you something doesn’t mean you have to give me something, right?” He asked, letting go of one of my wrists to push a lock of my hair behind my ear, “Sometimes I just wanna do things for you.” “This was more than just something, Andy, today was so much, I just--...” I trailed off, closing my eyes. I didn’t trust my words right now. I leaned in, pressing a kiss to his neck, then another, then another. I pressed my released hand to his chest, sliding it down over the skin I’d exposed and slipping it into his shirt. “Let me,” I begged, “Please.” I could feel Andy hesitate before he let go of my other wrist. I leaned up, brushing my lips against his a few times and drawing away before he could press in for a kiss. His hands settled on my hips, squeezing whenever I drew away, frustrated. I smiled as looked up at him. I hooked my fingers in his belt loops, pulling him further into the room. I nudged him to sit on the bed, watching as he went down. I reached behind myself, unzipping my dress and pulling it up over my head. I watched Andy’s eyes wander my body as I tossed it aside. I felt a swell of self-satisfaction as Andy’s lips parted, speechless at the sight of me. His hands came up to skim over the outside of my thighs as I stepped closer, resting my hands on his shoulders as I straddled his lap. “Do you like it?” I teased. Andy’s eyes lifted from my chest to my face as he slid his hands up to cup the swell of my ass. “You look beautiful.” I dipped my head, hiding my flushing face in his neck and peppering kisses along the skin there as he squeezed my ass. I pressed back against his hands before I pressed down against his hardening dick, gently rolling my hips. I felt Andy’s lips skim over my shoulder tenderly, a hand slipping up my side to slid under the bra’s strap, thumbing over the skin. It slid back down then, settling on my rib cage and gently pushing me back. I sighed as he kissed over my collarbones, mouthing a hot, wet line down to my breasts. His tongue traced along the skimpy floral pattern, teasing the exposed skin. I slid a hand into his hair, lightly scratching my nails along his scalp as he lapped at me, tongue lapping over the fabric covering my nipple before he moved on to the other breast. I whined, pressing my breast against Andy’s mouth as he gave it the same teasing treatment.

When I couldn’t take it anymore I tightened my hold on Andy’s hair, pulling him up for a kiss. He groaned into it, tightening his grip on me.

“Careful, princess,” he growled. I squirmed at the tone, unable to ignore the throbbing between my legs as I ground down against him harder. “Sorry, sir,” I breathed. I dropped a light kiss to his lips, then another, and another as I undid the rest of the buttons on his shirt. Once I’d undone them all, I reached up, pushing it away. He let go of me for a moment, pulling it off and tossing it atop my dress.

I climbed out of his lap before he could reach for me again. I felt him watching me as I got down on my knees. I slid my hands up his thighs, taking my time as I undid his pants. I saw his hand in my periphery. I figured he was going to slide his hand into my hair, but he cupped my cheek, tipping my face up to look at him. When he didn’t say anything, I turned my head, pressing a kiss to his palm. He smiled, trailing his thumb over my lips. I leaned out of his touch to take him into my mouth. Andy hummed low in his throat as I swirled my tongue around the head. I didn’t take anymore of him into my mouth, just trailed my nails up and down over his shaft. I did this a couple more times, then flicked my tongue over the slit. I leaned back, letting the head go and flicking my tongue over it once more before I leaned down, kissing along the underside. I started with gentle pecks at the head, then increased the pressure as I moved down, adding my tongue. Andy’s hand slid into my hair as I reached the base, and I tipped my head to peer up at him from under my lashes. He was watching me with this unguarded lust, licking his lips as my tongue flicked out before I pressed another wet kiss to his dick. I trailed the kisses back up, getting sloppier as I got closer to the head. I kept my eyes on his as I took him back into my mouth, hand working over what I didn’t take into my mouth. “Feels so good, princess,” he breathed as I swirled my tongue around his head. I moaned around him, clenching my thighs as his grip tightened in my hair. I pulled off of him, hand still working over his shaft. “I’ve been thinking about this all day,” I murmured. “Yeah? You’ve been thinking about getting on your knees for me?” Andy asked. I nodded. I didn’t know why the admission made me feel so open and dirty. “What else have you been thinking about?” He asked. I leaned down sucking a kiss against the side of his dick before answering, “I’ve been thinking about you fucking me,” I murmured, “Just thinking about you gets me so fucking wet sometimes-- It was so hard not to touch myself earlier, I wanted to so bad--” “But you didn’t, right?” Andy gave me a sharp look and I shook my head quickly. “I didn’t, I promise,” I pouted. That look melted and he leaned down, catching my lips in a heated kiss. “I believe you, baby,” He murmured, “I know you’re a good girl for me.” I nodded, leaning up for another quick kiss as I murmured, “Yours.” Andy’s face changed after I said that. It was like something overtook him, something hungry and frantic. He hauled me up, back into his lap. I gasped against his mouth as he kissed me greedily. I could feel his dick pressing against my clit through the mesh of my panties. “Please,” I mumbled, pressing down against him harder. He reached down, slipping his hand into my underwear and pressing a finger into me. I sighed into his mouth, working my hips against his hand. He added a second finger, then a third in quick succession, working me open faster than he had before. I leaned away from him, reaching under one of the pillows where I had stashed a condom earlier. Andy lightened for a moment, turning and pressing a kiss to my shoulder. “Someone’s prepared,” he teased. “I need you in me,” I whined, not in the mood to be teased anymore. I rolled the condom onto him, stroking him a couple of times once it was on. Andy slid his fingers out, slapping my clit once before he pulled his hand out of my underwear. I keened, hips bucking at the pleasure that chased the sting. Andy pulled the seat of my underwear aside. “Go on, sweetheart,” He murmured, “Take what you want.” I rested my forehead against Andy’s, closing my eyes. “Look at me,” he ordered. I opened my eyes, watching him as I took him in. I didn’t bother trying to cover up the desperate little sighs and moans that fell out of my mouth; now and again my eyes would start to drift shut from the feeling and he’d squeeze my thigh, reminding me. I kept my eyes on his as I settled in his lap. “Feels so big, Andy,” I murmured, kissing him gently as I began to move. “Yeah?” He breathed. I smiled, watching a flush spread over his cheeks. I felt his hands on my hips, even as I took control of the pace. I nodded. “Mhm,” I murmured, “You feel so good-- You always feel so good.” I leaned in, biting at the hinge of his jaw. "I‘ve never wanted anyone the way I want you,” I murmured, “Never liked being anyone’s the way I like being yours.” Andy groaned lowly, arms wrapping around me to still me. His hips drove into me in quick, sharp thrusts. I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, moaning as he fucked me. I closed my eyes, pressing my face into his shoulder and meeting his thrusts as best I could. “Fuck-- Andy,” I warned, feeling myself growing close. Andy turned his head, catching my mouth with his. “Cum,” He murmured, “Cum on my cock, princess, I wanna feel you tighten up on me-- Fuck that’s it--” I threw my head back as I came, gasping his name as his thrusts quickened. He drew me into his chest so I didn’t tumble off of his lap and I slouched against him, flushed and panting. He nuzzled into my hair, gently laying us both on the bed. I curled up against his chest, closing my eyes for a few moments. I felt his hand drift over my back in slow, soothing circles. I whined when he got up, but let him go. I didn’t open my eyes as I felt Andy take hold of my ankle, undoing the strap of one shoe and removing it before removing the other. He gently peeled my underwear off next. I lifted my hips to help him, settling down again once they were off. “Lean up just a little for me, baby,” Andy’s voice was soft in my ear. I did as I was told, propping myself up on my elbows as Andy reached around, unclasping my bra. I sighed as he eased it off my shoulders, settling back down onto the bed. Andy chuckled, pressing a kiss where one of the straps had been. “C’mere,” He laughed softly. I opened my eyes, watching him settle by the headboard. I pushed myself onto my hands and knees, crawling up the bed to join him and climbing under the covers. I curled into Andy’s side as he pulled me in, wrapping my arm around him and sliding a leg between his. I heard him murmur, “Sweet dreams, baby,” before I drifted off.

[whatcouldgowrong-ohthat]

Us and Andie. Ch. 8

Summary: Bucky works as an Avenger because it’s what’s right. He feels he has sins he’ll never be able to make up for, but he’ll spend the rest of his life trying. However, his life takes an unexpected turn when he comes across Andie, the daughter of recently divorced Y/N. The life he had once “maintained” in hopes of surviving changes as his heart warms for a tough-as-nails nurse and her wonderful daughter.

Pairing: Bucky x singleparent!Reader

Word Count: 4529 words

Series Masterlist - Masterlist

Steve couldn’t have been more wrong on his timeline. The mission, something they thought would only be a couple days, was now going on a week. A week of hunting down an evasive Zemo. It seemed every time they thought they were ahead; he revealed the reality of always being four steps behind.

And it was pissing Bucky off to no end. 

“Cool it, Tinhead. I can hear you grinding your teeth.”

Sam’s voice over the comm made Bucky adjust his grip on his gun. He wasn’t just angry anymore. He was furious and bitter. “Shut it, Sam,” he growled out. The hall creaked underneath the weight of his and Steve’s footsteps. He didn’t apologize when Steve gave him a look, simply gesturing for him to walk ahead.

This was the fifth location they had come across. After the third, Bucky was starting to wonder how much of this was a goose chase and if there was actually any potential in finding their target. The two looked down the grimy hall. Lights were busted, mold practically painting the walls, and the other three rooms they checked on this floor were empty. This was the last one. Still, Bucky felt they were at a dead end. This wasn’t the type of place that seemed to be Zemo’s style. He liked comfort.

Bucky and Steve shared a look as Bucky raised his gun, ready to fire at whoever or whatever was on the other side of the door. Steve took a slow breath, calming his nerves before putting all his strength in kicking the door in.

It gave way, splintering and shattering inside the room. Steve, shield in hand, and Bucky ran inside – more than ready to catch Zemo.

But there was nothing. Just an empty room and open window.

Bucky dropped the gun, squeezing his eyes shut. He knew what the next steps were. Search the room, find Zemo’s next clue, keep going. But he didn’t want to. As much as he knew he had a lifetime’s worth of sins to make up for, he couldn’t bring himself to want to keep going. Not anymore. Not with how much had changed.

“Buck?”

Bucky opened his eyes. Now wasn’t the time to mope. He crossed the room, taking note of the quaint furniture and lack of food…It almost looked like no one had been here. However, when he saw what Steve had found, he cursed. A map was hung on the wall with X’s marking every city they had already searched. Zemo was turning it into a game, taunting them, reminding them that he was brilliant. He didn’t have to be found unless he wanted to be.

And already the next city was circled.

“Great. We’r failing so spectacularly that Zemo thinks we need hints,” Bucky spat.

“Where’s the next location, boys?”

Steve glanced at Bucky, knowing his friend wanted to go back to New York. They hadn’t had any contact with the Avengers which meant they also had no contact with Y/N and Andie. But they couldn’t call it quits yet. Not with this guy on the loose. If it was anyone else, Steve would send Bucky home. But Zemo had a soft spot for targeting the Winter Soldier last time. He needed his friend’s knowledge. As much as they both hated it, Bucky was a necessity this time.

“We’re going to figure this out.”

Bucky scoffed, certainly not believing him at this point. Instead, he pressed on the comm, eyes fixated on the map. “Set a course for Rovaniemi, Nat.”

“Finland? What the fuck is he doing there?”

Bucky and Steve shared a look, unable to give her an answer. Truthfully, neither of them had any idea.

Once again, they were left four steps behind.

-.-.-.-.-

Y/N found herself checking her phone again. Still nothing. Bucky had said he’d be gone a couple days and she knew she had no right to be worried. Bucky was just a friend. He was an Avenger. This lifestyle was normal for him. But to not hear anything? Not even Tony knew where they were, but she tried assuring her that this was okay. It was normal.

But it wasn’t. Three weeks with no contact? That wasn’t normal.

Taking a slow breath, she tried to ignore that worried feeling gnawing at her gut. She couldn’t mother an Avenger. She sure as hell didn’t have the strength for that job.

“You look thoughtful.”

Y/N blinked, pulled out of her thoughts when she saw there was a to-go mug in front of her. She looked up at Ciara and smiled, taking the warm beverage. Her best friend took a seat on the table next to her, neither of them in the mood to sit in a chair like normal people. She sipped the warmth, humming when she realized Ciara had surprised her with hot cocoa. “Thanks for this, I needed it.”

“I could tell.” Ciara was never one to push Y/N, understanding that she always needed time to process things. And it wasn’t every day that someone like them dealt with such high levels of stress in and outside of the workplace. “Where’s Andie?”

Y/N nodded and Ciara followed her gaze. There, Andie was playing with two boys. They couldn’t be older than Andie. She was sure one might even be around Andie’s age. “Who are they?”

Y/N didn’t answer, her bitter smile enough of an explanation.

“Are they…”

“Yup.”

Ciara took a drink from her own mug, mumbling a small, “Fuck.”

Y/N laughed. “You got that right.”

“And Bucky hasn’t…?”

Y/N shook her head. “Honestly? I think the only reason Ethan’s made any effort with Andie is because he doesn’t like Bucky being so involved in our lives. As long as he thinks he’s priority, he makes an effort.”

Ciara scoffed. “Sounds like him. Possessive and a dick like always.”

“You met him once,” Y/N reminded her, laughing.

“And I regret it. You know, I will never get those thirty seconds back.”

Y/N chuckled, pressing her palms against her mug in search of warmth. “This is the fifth time she’s seen them since the Aquarium.”

“I didn’t think Ethan wanted her to have a relationship with any of them.”

“He doesn’t.” Y/N sighed softly. “He keeps it short. No longer than two hours. Always some outdoor activity. Leaves little room for talking. I’m honestly not even sure they realize she’s their sister.”

“And you just let him do this?”

She clenched her jaw, body trembling. Whether it was from the cold or her anger, she wasn’t sure anymore. “I have to give her something, Ciara. If I don’t, she’ll think I’m keeping her from them.” She exhaled sharply and if Ciara didn’t know better, she would have mistaken it for a laugh. “He played that conversation so well. It was like we were married all over again. There was nothing I could say or do before he was saying he wanted to get to know her.”

“Well…” Ciara looked at her. “Has he?”

Y/N shrugged. “This is the most they do. Throw a ball around or go to the park. Something where there’s distance. People.”

Ciara looked back at the three kids, noticing Ethan a little ways off. He wasn’t watching his sons or Andie. No, he was watching Y/N, hands in his pockets and jaw set. He looked almost like a predator stalking his prey. “What about her being a mutant?”

“Hasn’t come up.”

“That’s bullshit. It’s part of who she is. How can he just – “

“Andie is smart, Ciara,” Y/N reminded her, finally looking at her. “And the only time she can’t control her powers is when she’s nervous or scared.” Gesturing around them, she asked, “How can she be scared in this environment? It’s always out in the open. I’m always here.”

“He just acts like it doesn’t exist?”

“Simple enough, isn’t it? He still acts like we weren’t even his first family,” she spat, her voice venomous. Y/N looked back at Andie, tucking the mug into her chest. “So imagine how easy it is to act like she’s human when her mutation never makes an appearance.”

Ciara watched her carefully, shifting in her seat and drumming against her drink. “You know you have a say in all of this, right? You could tell him to go to hell.”

“And then tear away Andie’s hope of having a relationship with her half-brothers?” Y/N shook her head. “No, I’m not doing that to her. Besides…” The words felt heavy, tasted wrong on her tongue as she told Ciara, “A girl needs her father.”

“A father figure would be liked, sure, but it isn’t a necessity. Besides – Bucky was looking pretty cozy with you two.”

“Three weeks ago, remember? He was in our lives for a month and now he’s been back out of it for almost as long.” Her thumbs stroked the slight ridge and bump of the mug’s words. She was trying to ground herself in some sort of way. “Andie needs someone dependable.”

“And you think that’s Ethan?”

“No, but,” Y/N sighed. She wanted to crawl in a hole and die. “Ethan hasn’t backed out on any of the visits we’ve set up. He hasn’t rescheduled, nothing.”

“Don’t you think that’ll change though? You just said the only reason he’s even been making any effort is because of tall, dark, and handsome.”

“I said ‘think’. I’m not sure about anything when it comes to Ethan.” She focused her gaze on Ethan, biting her lip. “Not anymore.”

Ciara studied Y/N in that moment. She noticed that her friend had been working more shifts and the darker circles under her eyes seemed even more prominent. She looked like she’d been dragged through the dirt. Emotionally speaking at least. And putting her trust in Ethan to do right by Andie? Ciara knew it wasn’t doing her friend any good. Both of them were going to get hurt and nobody was going to be able to pick up the pieces. “Has…Has Andie been spending any time with the Avengers?”

“Uh…no, actually. Bruce has offered to come get her. So has Tony, but…” Y/N gnawed at her lip, stopping when she tasted blood on her tongue. Oops. “She’s just not interested.”

“Because of Ethan?”

Y/N didn’t answer. She really didn’t feel like there was a point to it. Instead, she took another sip of cocoa, relishing in the feel of her insides warming up. Sadly, it vanished just as quickly when she saw Ethan heading her way with Andie. The boys, like always, were still playing. And judging by the smile on her brilliant daughter’s face – Andie was still oblivious. Y/N hated it.

“You wanting to go home?” Y/N asked Andie, raising a brow.

Andie giggled and Y/N’s heart splintered. Smudged dirt on her cheeks and sparkling eyes, Andie hadn’t looked this happy in a long time. “Not at all,” she told her, catching her breath as she adjusted the cap on her head. That cap was the only thing that made Y/N hopeful that Ethan hadn’t taken over in Andie’s heart.

“Unfortunately, I got to get the boys home. Their mom’s finishing up dinner.”

“I’ll bet she is,” Y/N agreed, too-perfect smile in place.

Ciara choked on her drink, coughing as Andie started pounding on her back. She knew that smile of Y/N’s all too well. It was her you-can-go-fuck-yourself-up-the-ass smile. A personal favorite of both women.

“Can I actually talk to you for a second, Y/N?”

Her brow quirked as her eyes studied him. Ethan never went out of his way to ask Y/N to talk. They didn’t need to. Everything was through text and she preferred it that way. It gave her the space she absolutely needed to survive this. Sighing softly, she glanced at Ciara. “Get her some hot chocolate?”

Ciara glanced back at the nearby vendor and nodded. “We’ll be back in a bit,” she promised Y/N. Turning to Andie, she slipped on that beaming smile of hers. The one that made Andie giddy. “Let’s sugar you up, girl! I want to feed that sweet tooth of yours.”

Andie giggled, racing ahead of her as Ciara pushed herself off the table. Looking at Ethan, she promised, “We’ll be right back.” And then they were off. Out of hearing range, but within sight.

But Y/N never tore her gaze away from Ethan. She couldn’t. “What do you want?”

Ethan chuckled and raised his hands. “I come in peace.”

“I’m pretty sure Hitler said something similar,” Y/N told him, smile still in place. “So what is it?”

Ethan sighed softly, glancing over at Andie and Ciara before taking the seat next to Y/N. Her shoulders tensed, but other than that, she made no show that she was uncomfortable. She refused to let him get the upper hand. No, this wasn’t the same situation. She was stronger now. She’d grown. And Ethan saw that. “I wanted to thank you for letting me spend time with my daughter.”

Y/N snorted. “Letting you? Ethan, you never showed interest in her until the Aquarium.”

“That’s…” Ethan sighed, nodding ever so slightly. “You’re right.”

“Of course, I’m right!” Y/N turned to face him. Her eyes were filled with a fire he never would have seen in the time they were married. “It only took you eight fucking years to decide to play dad for her. Tell me, do your boys know who she is?”

Ethan grimaced, looking down at his clenched hands. “No. Not yet. But I want them to.”

Y/N scoffed. “Bullshit.”

“I just wanted to ask you first.”

She hesitated, fingers digging into the plastic she clung to. “Ask me what?”

“I – We’ve seen her a few times these past few weeks. And I have to ask – are you sure she’s a mutant? I haven’t seen any sign of any powers or anything, but I need to know.”

Y/N simply stared at him, unable to piece together why the fuck that had to matter. “Yes, five times in three weeks and suddenly you’re an expert on who your daughter is. That is such a realistic expectation for you to have.” Venom laced her voice, lashing at him and slicing through his façade as if it were nothing more than a thin blanket with which he hid behind. She rose to her feet, determined to walk away. She didn’t need this. They did not need this.

Ethan grit his teeth as he rose to his feet, catching her forearm. As far as the rest of the park was concerned, he was a boyfriend or husband trying to make amends with the woman he loved. At least – that was how it looked.

But appearances can be a funny thing.

Y/N stared straight ahead, eyes on Ciara and Andie. She refused to show that his grip hurt, already knowing there would be fingerprints in the morning. “You should really win an Oscar for these performances of yours,” she hissed, finally looking back at him.

He chuckled at that, leaning into her ear. Y/N was barely able to avoid flinching, doing everything in her power to keep her strength. She needed her strength. “Keep in mind, your daughter has become quite a fan of me, Y/N. So let’s just keep up appearances, hm?”

Y/N looked away from him, everything in her wanting to throw up in that moment. She felt dizzy. Panicky. “What do you want, Ethan?”

“Well first, I’d like for you to answer my question.”

“Yes. She’s a mutant. And she’s your kid. Congratulations.” Something similar to a growl slipped past his lips and she smirked, meeting his gaze. “Let me guess. Still an active member of the Friends of Humanity?”

Ethan’s grip never wavered, instead twisting her skin sharply and earning a sharp gasp. He was satisfied with just that, the smallest reaction. “Actually no. I’ve made new friends. Better ones, I think.”

“Of course, you have,” Y/N sneered. “You never change. You’re still the same arrogant, manipulative prick.”

“And you’re still the same frail, naïve, little girl.”

Ethan released her, knowing the jacket she wore would hide any sign of the strength he used. The anger in his eyes vanished quickly as the smile appeared. Y/N whipped around, the faintest hint of relief fluttering in her chest when Ciara and Andie returned. “Mom! Aunt Ciara bought me the biggest cup of hot cocoa!” Andie took a long sip, making the ridiculous noise and smiling to reveal her cocoa-stache. She looked from her to Ethan and back again, smile tilting to a frown. “What were you two talking about?”

“That’s what I’d like to know,” Ciara muttered.

“Actually,” Ethan told Andie, ignoring Ciara. “I was inviting your mom on a double date.”

Andie’s brow furrowed as Y/N felt her heart squeeze. Nope. No, she was not okay with whatever this what. Whatever Ethan was planning, she wanted no part in it. “A double date?”

“But only if it’s okay with you, Sweetheart,” Ethan said, earning a smile from Andie as Y/N’s stomach churned. “I would be going with my wife and I would be setting your mom up with someone I know. A really close friend of mine.”

Y/N shoved her trembling hands in her pockets as she looked to Ciara, silently pleading for help that she knew her friend couldn’t give her. So she was left with Andie. A child that hadn’t been thinking clearly for several days.

Andie really thought about it for a moment. She was thinking about how long her mom had been alone. How hard she was constantly working. Her mom never took a break or a night to herself. She was always sacrificing for Andie. If there was a chance for her to do something for herself…Andie wanted her to take it. Looking at Ethan, she shrugged. “Okay. Just don’t keep her out too late.”

Y/N felt a chill run down her spine, only one thought on her mind. Where the hell is Bucky?

-.-.-.-.-

Four more days passed. Finland was a failure. Then they went to Romania. Another miss. Then and then and then – every fucking time they had missed him. And every time it looked like they had been so close. The guilt and anger – they were eating Bucky alive. He slouched in his seat, straggles of his long hair falling in his face. He wanted to go home. That was all he wanted.

“Want to talk?”

He didn’t look up, eyes merely glancing at Steve’s boots. “Not really.”

“I’m sorry it’s taken so long.”

Bucky leaned forward, pressing the balls of his hands into his temples. He didn’t want apologies. He didn’t care about apologies. He just wanted to go home. But what was home at this point? His apartment in Brooklyn? The compound? Neither mattered to him as much as the broken family he had stumbled upon.

And they hadn’t heard from him in almost a month. Bucky knew Y/N. He knew she was guarded and careful because he was the same. Their reasons were different, but their actions? They were the same. And it was already hard enough for her to trust them this past month. Letting him in to the extent that she had? All that progress had been undone while he was gone. And it hurt that he was completely aware yet unable to do anything about it.

“I feel like I’m out of control. Like I was with Hydra.”

Steve frowned. Bucky’s voice had barely been above the smallest mumble. If he hadn’t been standing so close, if he didn’t have the serum coursing through his veins, he was sure he wouldn’t have heard him. “Why do you say that,” he asked, taking a seat next to Bucky.

The brunette sighed, shaking his head. He didn’t want to talk.

“I can’t help if you don’t let me in, Buck.”

Bucky looked over his shoulder and it was then Steve saw it. The tears shining in those endless blue eyes of his best friend. Fuck. This was hitting him hard. “You know, I didn’t even take her on a date. Not a proper one at least,” he muttered, hanging his head. “I told her I cared about her. That I wanted to catch her when she falls. I wanted to be there and protect her and Andie from that dick she calls an ex.” He ran his metal hand through his hair. “But she called it.”

“Called it?”

He swallowed thickly, refusing to cry in front of his teammates. “She said our lifestyles are different. And she’s right. I’m an Avenger now. Being that means I can’t be anything more than a friend. A babysitter.”

“Clint has kids. He’s a father.”

Bucky looked at his friend. Steve had never seen him look so pitiful before. “And how much time does he actually spend with them, Steve? Besides, it’s different. His wife – She went in knowing what Clint does. She signed up for it. Y/N? She has so much on her plate already. She needed consistency. She needed something steady.”

Steve looked between them, finally understanding. Bucky and Y/N had clung to each other subconsciously – relying on one another for that one little thing the other so desperately craved. Bucky needed something good. Something that wasn’t a fight. Y/N needed something consistent. Something safe.

They needed each other.

“I needed normal, Steve And the one piece I had…the one good thing I had…” He sighed, tilting his head back and staring at the ceiling. “I don’t think I have it anymore. I can’t – No, I won’t ask Y/N to be okay with this lifestyle. I won’t ask her to let me in and trust me to be that missing piece they need. Not with this.”

“Then quit being an Avenger.”

Bucky scoffed, closing his eyes.

“I’m serious, Buck. You are holding yourself accountable for a lifetime of crimes that weren’t your fault.”

“I still did them.”

“And you still deserve something good.”

Bucky looked at him, nothing but an ache in his eyes.

“You deserve to live a life where you are happy. You deserve that. And you deserve to have a family.”

“That’s just it, Steve,” Bucky murmured, shaking his head. “I don’t want any family. I wanted to be a part of that family.”

“It’s not too late.”

Bucky shook his head, already tuning Steve out and fixating on the ceiling of the quinjet once again. “Yes, it is,” he murmured.

Steve watched his best friend for a few moments. He could never fully understand the thoughts racing through Bucky’s head. He could never imagine the guilt that wrapped itself around Bucky’s heart, squeezing and suffocating it. All he could do was try to help. Rising to his feet, he walked to the pilot’s seat and leaned over, catching Natasha’s and Sam’s attention.

Sam raised an eyebrow, asking Steve, “There something we can do for you, Cap?”

“Chart a course home. The sooner we get back, the better.”

Natasha and Sam glanced past Steve, their gazes landing on Bucky at almost the same time. They shared a look before turning back to the controls. Sam shrugged. “You got it.”

-.-.-.-.-

“Mom?”

Y/N turned to the door as she finished slipping one of her heels on. Andie was watching curiously. Her baggy jeans and that Winter Soldier shirt were a sharp contrast to the black dress Y/N was currently wearing. “What is it, baby girl?”

Andie took in her outfit, smiling softly. There was a time she would have hoped she would wear that dress for a date with Bucky. But that was just a kid’s dream. And seeing her dad more gave her hope that maybe Ethan would be willing to let them all be one big family. She hoped at least… Smiling at her mom, she whistled. “You look really pretty.”

Y/N smiled and rose to her feet. “Remind me to thank Ciara for lending me the dress.” She took a shaky breath, murmuring more to herself, “I – I’m really nervous.”

“Do you not want to go?”

Andie’s brow furrowed as her concern was mistaken for fear. Y/N smiled and ruffled her hair. “I do, but everyone gets nervous for a date. Don’t you know that?”

Andie giggled and followed Y/N into the living room. Her mom hadn’t looked this pretty in a long time. It was a simple black dress with a halter top and open back, reaching the floor and hiding red heels. To Andie, she looked classy. Like one of those old movie stars in Steve’s and Bucky’s favorite movies. “What time do you think you’ll be home?”

“I’m not sure. I’ve never been to an opera before,” she told Andie, putting her phone and some cash in her small purse. Just in case.

“It sounds boring.”

Y/N laughed and kissed the top of Andie’s head. “You’re probably right. Anyway, Peter should be here in fifteen minutes. So, anything I’m missing?” She did a small spin for her daughter, waiting for the final verdict. But instead of judgement, Andie hugged her.

“Just that,” Andie mumbled, looking up at her.

Y/N smiled and brushed her hair back. “No matter what happens tonight, you know you always got me, right?”

Andie nodded. When a knock came from the door, Y/N took a shaky breath. She was not ready for tonight, but she could do this. She would do it for Andie. And then she would never go on a date ever again. Well…probably not at least. Untangling herself from Andie, she turned to the door and opened it. There, standing just outside, were Ethan, his wife, and –

“Y/N, allow me to introduce you to your date this evening. This is Quentin Beck.”

He stepped forward, taking her hand and placing a chaste kiss to the back of it. “It is a pleasure, Ms. Y/L/N. Ethan has told me a lot about you.”

Y/N glanced from Ethan back to Quentin. Her nerves hadn’t settled. If anything, the unease in her gut was ever more prominent. She didn’t have a good feeling about any of this. But…she would play the part of supportive mom. The smallest smile curved her lips as she said, “Good things I hope.”

Quentin smiled. “Only good things, I promise.”

-.-.-.-.-

“What are we doing back at the compound?” Bucky’s gruff voice earned a chuckle from Sam.

He looked over his shoulder, asking Bucky, “Can’t you just be grateful? Like ever?”

“Not to you.”

Natasha chuckled. “Easy, you two. We figured it might be time to ask F.R.I.D.A.Y. for a little help.”

“Meanwhile, Bucky can reach out to our favorite family,” Steve offered, earning a glare from Bucky.

“Steve, you didn’t – “

Bucky’s argument was cut short by Clint running out of the compound, greeting them with a rather…panicked sort of appearance. “Guys, we gotta – It’s important. I – Oh, I need to work out more,” he said, huffing and catching his breath. “This place is way too big.”

“Slow down, Birdbrain,” Sam teased. “What’s going on?”

Clint straightened, eyes shifting from each of them. He lingered on Bucky for the smallest moment before turning to Steve. “Tony has reason to believe that…Y/N’s ex-husband is connected to Zemo.”

-.-.-.-.-.-

Tag List:

@mr-robot-x

@buckyssoul​

@purplekitten30​

@booktease21​

@lets--be-honest​

@amnahs9695​

@niahmariec​

@maggyme13​

[multimetaverse]

Jamie Johnson 5x10 Review

Tonight was a surprisingly busy ep that did a good job balancing angst and levity. Let’s dig in!

Dillon finally went home tonight after what was probably a couple of weeks. The show continues to do great work with Dillon’s sexuality. Graham begins to make amends by coming of his own accord to the Walker-Cotton house and apologizing to Dillon but he hasn’t magically become a good person. He wants Dillon to keep his sexuality a secret which Dillon pushes back against but as loathsome as Graham can be he does have a point that being openly gay could very well derail Dillon’s football career; after all it’s the same conclusion that all the gay professional players in Britain have reached. This whole story line has been surprisingly nuanced especially for a kids show. Shaun Duggan mentioned that Graham would have a journey of his own and I would assume we see more of it in the final eps 

One thing I do think the show has failed to do is include Dillon’s mom. Presumably they don’t have the actress this season but we really needed to see her support Dillon on screen when his dad and brother are homophobes. Hopefully they bring her back in S6 (and bring back Elliot)

It’s a minor detail but I really liked that when Alba comes into the living room to share her news that through the window we can see Graham walking towards the front door; it shows a real attention to detail on the part of the production team. Also the ‘’We Are Family’’ poster with the rainbow on the kitchen wall while Dillon and Graham talked was an inspired touch

The small moment when Dillon asked Becky and Dawn what he should do was really cool; seeing adult lgbtq people give advice to kids dealing with their sexualities is rare on tv in general, on kids tv it’s virtually unheard of; Cami and her gf trying to help Bobby on Doafp being the only example that comes to mind. The show did a great job normalizing lgbtq parents and families and there was an excellent implicit contrast drawn between the loving and supportive ‘non-traditional’  Walker-Cotton family and the cold and strained ‘traditional nuclear’ Simmonds family

I’m so glad that Ruby and Alba have finally been adopted and the photo album Becky and Dawn made was very sweet. I wonder if they stick with Osborne as their surnames or start using Walker-Cotton

Dillon being second in the credits? We love to see it folks

Zoe gets a recruitment montage for a heist soccer game so her and Kat can have one last chance to impress Geri Seddon who apparently doesn’t work very hard at her scouting job if she’s missed all these players. In the first good deed Jamie has done in weeks he calls up Jack and she gets Archfield to play against Zoe’s ragtag team. To the show’s credit Archfield pretty easily wins the day at Goodfield as they realistically should. Zoe and Kat get into Hawkstone though and Alba gets flagged as a future talent so all’s well that ends well

Zoe vaguely apologized for being an ass to Jack and she finally did the right thing with Kat and returned the pendant which which Kat promptly lost again. Zoe treating other girls as the enemy has been a core part of her story since she joined the show back in S3 and it looks like that’s behind now as her and Kat are real friends

I think Mike calling for girl power was the funniest line of the night

This Eric/Aisha/Freddie love triangle is a right mess but I’m finding myself invested regardless. Freddie and Aisha have good chemistry and their commentating was cute. Freddie not knowing Kat’s last name was funny as was Aisha’s observation about Mike’s yelling. Aisha was also right about peanut butter and honey being a delicious combo

We got a refresher on Eric’s sad backstory, brutal that he hasn’t seen his mom in 2 years.  Well I’m sure that Eric’s issues with abandonment won’t come into play as Aisha and Freddie grow closer! Imagine tuning into a livestream for a football match only to hear two 13 year olds get into a pissing contest over a girl they both fancy

Also nice to see the kids be kids and go to the cinema

This show has really done a good job with diversity especially since the series isn’t set in or around London (S1 was filmed in Nottingham and recent seasons have been filmed in Wales). In particular, JJ has avoided having their two black male characters, Eric and Freddie, fall into stereotypes. As much as I can’t fathom why the show needs this love triangle, it is refreshing to see two black kids shown as the closest thing this show has to romantic leads. American kids shows have done a great job with female black characters but when it comes to black male characters things are much worse. Zay on GMW largely fell into the sassy black friend stereotype. As for Walker on Andi Mack, the less said the better about how he was romantically involved with two girls of colour only to lose out to two white boys before being written off as a shoe gifting player in a way that played into harmful stereotypes about black men being promiscuous 

Another ep where Jamie basically just makes a cameo but because the show has such a wide bench it doesn’t hurt the ep at all. Boggy is basically Jamie’s housewife at this point and it’s sad as hell to watch

I think this is the first time Jack has been back where she hasn’t had a scene with Jamie. The official insta account reposted someone asking the show to make Jamie and Jack a couple, we’ll one day learn if that was straight baiting

Interesting to think about how different the show would be if Jack was still a main, would Dillon’s story be getting nearly so much focus? 

Looking Ahead:

Liam thinks Aisha is Eric’s soulmate? I wouldn’t have pegged him for a romantic at heart. I love that he keeps bouncing around the friend trio trying his chances with a new member every week, at the beach he tried with Freddie and now he’s trying with Eric

It seems likely that Eric is denying that he likes Aisha because of his abandonment issues and it looks like he skirmishes with Freddie on the field. I wonder if he’ll be honest with anyone about his feelings

Boggy’s breakdown is upcoming, I really don’t think he’s Jetpac11. Looks like 5x12 is the video game tournament with the Jetpac11 reveal, I still think it’s Archie Royle, but Jethro Stevenson would be a great twist

I lean more and more towards Dillon signing with the Northport Rovers as a way to forge his own path and because he trusts our problematic fave Duncan Jones to stand firm against homophobia. It would also bring Duncan’s S5 story full circle, he was so focused on trying to bamboozle Jamie into signing for Northport that he overlooked the other very talented player he had right in front of him. It seems like Dillon’s story line is trending towards him wrestling with coming out publicly as a professional player in S6 and proving to himself, his father, and the world that an out gay man can be a professional footballer

Until next week Jamie Johnsoners

[purplesurveys]

1193

Have you ever been cheated on?  Nope.

Whose car were you last in?  Other than my own? Hans’s, but that was over two months ago. 

Have you ever thought about getting your nose pierced?  How timely is this, Andi literally randomly asked me how I feel about septum piercings this afternoon haha. Anyway, I have no problem with it on other people but I personally wouldn’t pick my nose as a spot for piercings.

Have your parents ever smoked pot?  I don’t know, they may have but there’s a big chance they haven’t. They don’t really share much about their youth so I would never know.

Do you tend to make relationships complicated?  That’s definitely not me.

Are you good at giving directions?  Not at all; if anyone asks me directly I usually immediately refer them to whoever I’m with at the time. Or I tell them to check Waze.

Would your mom care if she found condoms in your room?  She would and she’d definitely be pissed about it. Not that I have to worry about this ever happening, though.

Did you speak to your father today?  Yessssssss, I literally just caught a glimpse of him like two minutes ago.

Did you kiss someone before you were sixteen?  No, I was 16 turning 17 when I had my first.

Could you go a day without eating?  Yeah, but I wouldn’t feel well by the end of it. I’ve formed a habit of skipping breakfast and lunch on weekdays now, and I always feel like complete shit once I clock out. Considering I only eat dinner these days, I guess I can say I do regularly go entire days without eating.

Are your nails always painted? I never paint them/have them painted.

Have you ever met any bands/band members before?  Just local ones.

What color is your hair?  Black.

Your best friend needed somewhere to stay, could they live with you? Yes.

Have you danced in the rain?  Maybe? I don’t know. Doesn’t sound like something I would do, though.

When you said something naughty when you were little, did your parents wash out your tongue with soap?  Nope. I never liked getting in trouble, even as a kid, so I stayed out of it.

What do you think of spanking little children when they do something wrong? Okay or not?  That’s a common practice where I live, at least it was during my time. My mom didn’t believe in spanking her kids, which I’ll always be thankful for; but the cousins I lived with didn’t have the same fate so I regularly had to watch them get spanked - with sticks, slippers, belts, etc basically anything that was within reach. I think today’s generation of parents are different; I hope they are.

Who was the last male you hung out with?  Gab, Kyelle, Al, and Hans.

Who is your favorite person to text?  I don’t text anymore, but I do chat with Angela on Messenger everyday.

Who did you last take a picture with?  Does an online photo count? We had an event held through Zoom last Wednesday and we had a photo op by the end of it.

What’s your favorite brand of jeans? I don’t have any. I just wear whichever pair I’d feel good and confident wearing.

Which show is better: Spongebob or The Fairly Odd Parents?  Nooooooooo you’re making me pick between my two absolute favorites. I might have to go with Spongebob, but it barely barely barely won. Fairly OddParents is great too, at least until they added the baby fairy.

Has anyone ever told you that you looked like someone else?  Many times. Idk if I’m happy about it because something tells me it just means I have quite the common face. Idk. I don’t think too much about it and as long as I’m compared to someone I personally find pretty, it’s fine lol.

Do you enjoy the sound of crickets at night and birds in the morning?  Not so much. I find them too loud, especially the crickets.

Who is the most overrated singer?  Taylor Swift.

What is your favourite planet?  I don’t have one, but let’s go with Saturn.

Do you have any pets that you had since you were born?  Wow no. 23 years is a very long time.

Do you own anything that you had when you were a baby?  Yep, my mom kept all our umbilical cord stumps. It’s in our baby albums.

Do you enjoy Mario games?  Very much so. It’s the only franchise I can play HAHAHA

What’s your favorite online game?  I don’t play online games.

Have you ever been hit with a ball in gym class?  I probably have been.

Do you ever turn your cell phone off?  I used to sometimes shut it off whenever I’d fight with my ex and I didn’t want to deal with the world for a while. Now with the toxicity out of my life I never turn it off lol.

Who was last to cook for you?  My mom made pasta for dinner tonight. Then after that I asked her to make me coffee mixed with Milo.

Do you check your texts right away when you receive them?  Depends on who texts. I get anxious when it’s media texting, so I tend to ignore those for a few hours unless they ask something urgent. If it’s someone from my inner circle, like a friend or one of my parents, I would check and reply immediately, or at least as soon as I see the text.

Who is your most trusted person?  Mmm, probably Angela. I literally reached out last night to ask her to log on to my Facebook so she can unfriend Gab and her family on my behalf. I don’t think I would’ve asked that from anyone else.

How late did you stay up last night?  A little earlier than my usual, around midnight or so. I knew my load was going to be packed today since my manager had filed a leave which meant I had to cover for her tasks as well, so I wanted to get enough rest so that I didn’t wake up sleepy and cranky.

When/where are you most likely to sing?  As long as I’m alone, I’ll sing. I like to do it, just not in front of other people.

Would you ever wish to explore a cave?  That would be soooooooo nice. It’s been a while since I’ve been in a cave. :(

You see the person you fell hardest for. What do you do?  I imagine giving her an awkward smile and probably being the first to approach. Then I would ask how she’s been. I’m in a place in my life where I’m sure I’ll be able to do that.

Have you been/are you depressed?  I’ve been there many times.

Are your pop-ups blocked on your computer? Yes.

Have you ever ridden in a car with someone who was high?  No. I would hate to be in that situation.

Who is the best hugger you know?  Laurice.

Have you ever had to be put to sleep for an operation?  Nopes.

Does anybody have any proof of stupid things you have done?  I know Angela has a few. Gabie took a few as well; whether she still has them or not I’m not updated on anymore, nor do I care.

Why did you text the last person in your inbox?  I was just reminding Angela there was a BTS video coming out tonight.

Have you ever been able to do a split?  No but I’ve attemped to do it many times.

Did you ever date the last person you kissed?  Yes.

Are you intimidated by the last person you know talked badly about you?  I never keep track of things like that. I know it would bring nothing but unnecessary stress, so I never snoop or ask around to check if anyone’s been talking not-so-nicely about me behind my back.

Have you ever cried in school?  Maybe only about once or twice in the 18 years I was in school. I absolutely hate crying in front of people, and I mainly do it when I’m alone. I don’t think I’ve even ever cried in front of Angela; that’s how much I hate it.

Last person of the opposite sex you screamed at?  I don’t remember ever screaming at a guy.

Do you have any weird sleep habits?  I...wouldn’t know, since I’m asleep when I do them. I always sleep alone too, so no one would be able to tell me how I sleep. All I know is I’m not much of a mover and I usually wake up in the same position (or almost the same position) I fell asleep in.

Do you consider yourself an emotional person?  Yes, I’m sensitive in every sense of the word.

When was the last time you had a headache?  Last Wednesday when not eating for the entire day finally hit me like a truck by the end of my shift. :/

When was the last time you encountered a puppy? Cooper circa September.

Is there anything that happened a long time ago that you still laugh about?  Yes, many instances.

Do you ever try to interpret your dreams?  No, I don’t think anything of them beyond “just weird scenarios of people I know doing weird things.”

What was the last thing you bought impulsively?  Three orders of sushi, 24 pieces in total.

How do you feel about singing songs out loud in front of other people? No amount of money would make me do it.

When was the last time you were feeling really, really nervous?  This afternoon when a supplier we’re currently working with asked to call. Normally my manager would be the one mainly in touch with people like them, but since she was out today I was next in line.

If you’re no longer in school, what is something you miss about it? If you’re still in school, what’s something you think you’re going to miss about it? I miss seeing my friends everyday and being able to hang out after our classes, even if it just means sitting at a table doing nothing together.

Do you use your turn signals when you’re driving?  Excessively. I use it even in the subdivision lmao, or on one-way roads.

How exactly are you feeling right now?  Content. It’s a little hot and mosquitoes keep flying around me, but I’m not letting these affect my mood. Just focusing on the fact that it’s a Friday night and I can let go of work for a couple of days.

Have you ever had to board up your windows because of a hurricane?  Never happened before. I just close up my windows completely so that they don’t slam if ever the wind gets too strong.

Do you tell anyone to chew with their mouths closed?  I don’t recall ever feeling the need to do this. The sound doesn’t bother me much anyway; definitely not as much as it annoys most people.

Have you ever ordered pizza and sent it to someone else’s house?  Yup I did that for Angela and Kata recently, for my birthday, along with truffle mac and cheese. Basically my favorite orders from Mama Lou’s, haha.

What was the first thing you drank when you woke up this morning? I believe it was water.

Do you think stretch marks from having a baby are ugly or badges of honor?  Ugh this question is so outdated I don’t even want to take the time to answer it.

Ever done a keg stand?  No.

Who is the last person you lent money to?  I don’t lend my money.

Do you share clothing with anyone?  Mmm, sometimes. It’s usually me borrowing clothes from my sister, though.

Have you ever visited anyone in a rehab?  Nope.

Was the last thing you drank a Coke or Pepsi product?  No, it was just water. I’d never be caught craving for soda.

Honestly, do you think that you’re going to be an overprotective parent? No. I experienced having strict parents, so I know it’s not something I would want to pass on to my kids. I want my kids to be able to go out with friends and attend parties and get tattoos (when they’re older) and express their identity without being scared of me.

What was the last kind of chips you ate?  Piattos cheddar chips.

What is one thing that you really wish you could understand, but don’t?  Investing and stocks.

What is the last thing you charged?  My laptop.

Have you ever held a snake?  Yes. I’m always the only one in the family willing to do things like this when we go on vacations haha.

[elizabeth-mitchells]

Fire, help me to forget - The Old Guard (2020) - Andy/Quynh

They had taken her. They had separated them. After thousands of years, how did it happen? After killing thousands of men and surviving thousands of deaths. How the fuck did it happen?

What happens when Andy and Quynh are accused of witchcraft and separated... but Andy gets a chance to fix it.

Andy realized she had been right. Being burned alive was excruciating. There was, however, the possibility that what caused Andy the most pain she’d ever known wasn’t the flames licking up her body, but the thought of Quynh. They had taken her. They had separated them. After thousands of years, how did it happen? After killing thousands of men and surviving thousands of deaths. How the fuck did it happen?

If you are being burned alive, you are not supposed to bear the pain long enough to think about the fact that you are being burned alive. Still, Andy’s mind wouldn’t stop working, even against her most desperate wishes as she begged for her body to for once and for all let her die. She gritted her teeth and focused on every agonizing inch of her skin. She tightened her hands into fists and hoped with all her might that drowning was better than this. She closed her eyes firmly and wished the fire would last for as long as the ocean lasted for Quynh.

There was a group of people gathered around her, watching her burn and burn and continue to burn. She could hear them talking to each other even over the roaring sounds of the flames eating up her body again and again. In normal circumstances, Andy would try to escape as quickly as possible and leave behind as few casualties as possible too. But this time was different, so different. She made no move at all to escape. And she hoped, for the sake of these ignorant, foolish souls surrounding her, that they will leave before she escapes her blazing prison. Because she didn’t feel like being merciful this time.

She deserved this, Andy told herself. It was the least she could go through after letting them take Quynh. It wasn’t fair, it should have been her, Andy repeated to herself each time she healed and woke up after passing out from the burning pain. It went on and on. Andy focused on soaking in the pain and the equally as violent thoughts, she passed out, and then came back again. It was an unrelenting loop of It should have been me, I’ll kill them all, How will I find her, I deserve this, She needs me, I miss her, It should have been me, I wish we’d both died, It burns, Is she drowning, I deserve this, I love her, She loves me, Until the end, Is this the end?

Andy could only keep count of how many times she died burning there for so long. Just as the fire had to die at some point. Before she did, most likely. And yet, Joe and Nicky arrived first. They were heroes, they never give up, they believed in achieving impossible things and usually just their presence was enough for Andy to believe as well. For all the love they gave each other and the bravery in which they faced every battle, Andy admired them, she was proud of them.

They came riding horses, with their swords in hand, and they dispersed the crowd around Andy as if it were nothing. While Nicky guarded his back, Joe jumped from his horse and worked on getting Andy out of the fire. The woman collapsed on the ground. Gone was the frail, little and dirty dress that didn’t stand a chance against the fire. Her burns healed too fast for the liking of her own scorched heart. She made no movement but that required of her lungs to breathe. And she hated the relief she got from laying on the ground for she knew her love wasn’t as lucky. Or so Andy thought.

“Andromache! Andromache wake up!” Joe shook her body and turned her on her back. Hurried and clumsily he managed to cover her still-healing body with his cape that he had taken off for her. “Andromache, the ship has not sailed.”

“What?!” Andy exclaimed. This time she opened her eyes and had never, for as long as she could remember, felt as glad to be alive.

“Her ship is still here, we can get to her,” Joe stated. He sported a small, encouraging, and hopeful smile, and his eyes shone with more determination than entire armies could gather in hundreds of men.

“We should move,” Nicky called them from his horse, and threw over a sword for Andy. He was focused on the task at hand, protect Andy, protect Joe, save Quynh. Still, he couldn’t avoid meeting Andy's eyes and giving her a nod. They could do this. They would.

They were surrounded again. Nicky was doing a spectacular job at keeping their enemies at bay, but the other two easily jumped into the fight. It wasn’t difficult to get the upper hand in a fight when you have thousands of years more of experience than your opponents, and you have the fervent urgency to save the love of your life from a heinous fate. One by one the English soldiers started to fall. Andy jumped on Joe’s horse and Joe joined Nicky. The three of them with bloody swords and overflowing valor sped up toward the shore.

They had to their advantage that everyone around was terrified because, to their knowledge, an undead witch was coming to take revenge on them. They realized all was well when the witches were chained and locked down. But Andromache the Scythian, stronger than ever even after being burned alive, riding on a horse and wielding a sword, well, none of them could compete. The smarter soldiers moved away before Andy could reach them.

When the sailors and soldiers on the ship watched the chaos from afar and were notified that one of the witches was coming their way, they got to work on leaving the dock in record time. They removed the plank and got moving, but that didn’t stop Andy, Nicky, and Joe from jumping. They were grasping whatever piece of the ship they had managed to hold on to as if their lives depended on it, or something more, something that couldn’t be replicated, someone depended on it, on them. From the dock, people shoot arrows and watched in absolute horror as the unstoppable creatures dismissed the wounds and continued to climb over the hull of the ship. The difference between them was that three of them were fighting and not giving up just out of love, while the hundreds of people around them were relentless out of sheer anger and fear.

Impressively so, the men on the ship were still overly confident. That mistake would cost them their lives. The immortal warriors didn’t come to negotiate. They were taking their friend back, whatever it takes. The problem was, they did perhaps too good of a job at taking down the first wave of men that came at them. It was enough to terrify the rest of them beyond rational actions. The ship had started to move and many men started jumping off of it as they watched that woman and two men seamlessly take down the best soldiers they had, two at a time. The real problem, the actual tragedy was that they scared the captain of the ship, the priest that came on board with them, and enough sailors that would help them make the final push of the iron coffin over the board and to the ocean below.

In thousands and thousands of years, Andy was certain that no other sound had ever pained her as much as Quynh screaming her name as they locked her into the iron coffin. That was desperate fear like Andy had never seen. People think they are scared of dying but she and her family knew there were worse things. They had enough imagination to figure out what that prison would have meant. So, Andy fought like she had never fought before to make sure she got to Quynh on time. And she had heard it. As soon as she got on the ship and started killing men in any and all directions, among the deafening noises of the battle, she heard Quynh again. She heard her screaming her name. She sounded hopeful. Selfishly, Andy also felt better for herself, knowing she wouldn’t have to go on with her life carrying that one scream of her name as the last thing she ever heard from Quynh.

But then it happened. Fear drives people to act on irrational impulses, to take every last desperate measure to escape from danger. In the minds of those miserable men, the greatest threat was the two witches together. Even when facing death coming at them at full speed from every angle, their pride and their ignorance didn’t leave room for bargaining or giving up. The last thing they did was push Quynh over the board of the ship.

At least, Andy hoped that Joe and Nicky would make sure that was the last thing those men did. She didn’t have the time to make sure of it herself. She echoed Quynh’s screams with one of her own and this time, without chains, without restraints, Andy ran after her. She ran and she jumped and she fell into the water.

Andy was still holding her sword and the fall hurt like hell but there wasn’t time to dwell on pain anymore. Andy’s entire focus was the rapidly sinking iron prison. She swam with all the strength she was ever capable of and still, when she caught up with it she was met with a lock. Two soulmates met at the bottom of the ocean with a wall of iron and a lock keeping them apart. Their fists slammed against the barrier from both ends in a painful rhythm, a furious beat, a tragic symphony. And they died, they drowned together for a first time.

Coming back to life while still underwater was an indescribable feat. They awoke screaming with water already invading their lungs. But Andy fought back with nature and the unnatural and she did it all for Quynh. She used her sword and she slammed it against the lock. She managed it the best she could and still it wasn’t enough. They died once more, drowning together a second time. But giving up wasn’t an option. Andy was prepared to live an eternity under the sea until she could get heart love, her heart, her everything out of her imprisonment. It was unjustly difficult and it was tempting to describe her goal as impossible and her efforts as futile, but Andy kept going, Quynh kept hoping, they kept drowning and coming back to life together.

When the lock broke down, it felt like a miracle had been achieved. When Quynh managed to slip out of the cage and her hands touched Andy again, they could recognize the real miracle was in each other. Drowning one or five times in the process was nothing compared to the feeling of feeling invincible as they swam together toward the surface, as they met Nicky and Joe that had jumped in the water already searching for them. Finally, they got to the surface. Finally, Andy and Quynh could breathe again. They could kiss again, they could swear out loud, again and again, that they wouldn’t be separated again, they wouldn’t have to be alone ever again, they would be together until the end.

Andy’s experience through the centuries had let her know that humanity’s perception of her immortality was uncertain. Some people had worshiped her as a God for her gift. Some people had made it their personal duty to make sure she died. In different ways, but they had all failed. The result was that Andy figured that it didn’t matter if her inability to die was a blessing or a curse, what mattered was to keep it a secret, to do the best she could with it, and to protect her people, her family.

She had already lost one. Lykon. When his time to go arrived, there had been nothing she could do to fight it. It wasn’t such a bad thing, that he got to finally rest in peace. Still, the heartbreak for her had been enough to leave her absolutely certain that she would fight heaven and hell to protect Quynh, and then Nicky and Joe too when they found them. Maybe Andy couldn’t help them and keep them from dying. But about any other kind of suffering, there was nothing she wouldn’t do to save them from pain.

That day at the docks had been one of the scariest of Andy’s life. Even though they were all exhausted beyond measure, after they had escaped from the soldiers and priests and violent crowds, they continued to run. They put as much distance as humanly possible from that event in their lives and them. It was late at night when they finally sought refuge in a small and well-hidden cave. They had started a fire and scavenged the minimum of food to satisfy that need, then they collapsed down in exhaustion. Joe and Nicky laid down and curled up together and were lucky enough to fall asleep almost immediately.

Andy and Quynh, on the other hand, and despite how tired they felt, couldn’t even conceive the idea of falling asleep. Andy could still so clearly recall the feeling of the flames kissing her skin. It had burned so badly, and now she felt so cold. Quynh still felt chills in her bones, the unforgiving cold of the sea rushing around inside her. They were sitting on the ground, with their backs resting against the wall of the cave. Andy had one arm wrapped around Quynh, who had her head resting on Andy’s shoulder and an arm draped over Andy’s stomach. They were safe and sound, but still restless and upset. They were trying to pass their touches as just gentle and not at all nervous as they were and yearning for the reassurance of the presence of the other one close to them.

“Have I said thank you?” Quynh said after a while, knowing full well Andy was as awake as she was.

“There is no need,” Andy whispered back to her, “I would do it again a thousand times. I… I can’t imagine… Quynh, what if…”

“Andromache,” Quynh lifted her head to look at Andy, and found the woman couldn’t look her in the eyes. “Look at me,” she requested as she gently placed a hand in Andy’s cheek. When their eyes met each other, Quynh smiled, “It is fine, Andromache, we are safe.” She saw Andy open her mouth, ready to protest, but she interrupted her, “We can rest now, we deserve it.”

Her words worked like a charm and she was delighted to feel Andy’s body relax, some of the tension slip away from her shoulders. The cave was mostly quiet save for the crackling of the fire and their breathing. Andy hadn’t stopped feeling on high alert the entire day, but she was beginning to absorb the peace that the other woman radiated. “I feel safe with you,” Quynh whispered, as her fingers drew mindless shapes on Andy’s skin, traveling on her jaw and down her neck. The caresses dissolved Andy’s walls and fears in the most tender of ways. Her hand grazed Andy’s shoulder and finally, she settled her palm on Andy’s chest. The feeling of her heartbeat there, that was the most sacred of experiences Quynh could remember feeling. Her thumb brushed the necklace that she’d given Andy some centuries ago. “I want you to promise me something,” Quynh whispered.

“Yes?” Andy replied. It was at once a question and already an agreement.

“Promise you will never take it off,” as she said the words, Quynh’s hand toyed with the little necklace.

The moment felt so immensely precious that it drew a small gasp from Andy. She didn’t want to make that promise, because she knew what it meant. Will you keep my necklace, this tiny piece of me, even if you lose me, even if we never see each other again, will you keep this part of me with you forever?

“I promise,” Andy replied. As much as it pained her, she meant it. Her voice quivered and her eyes were glassy and even then they were the most beautiful pair of eyes Quynh had ever seen. There was nothing in this world she loved more than those blue eyes.

Quynh leaned up and placed a gentle kiss in Andy’s jaw. That act was her other side of the promise. Andy would fight anything and everything for her family, but she had to know they were there to fight for her too. Quynh specifically needed her to know, and she reminded her in every kiss and loving touch, that they’ll always have each other, that they were bound together in a way nobody could ever replicate or begin to understand.

A peaceful feeling enveloped them finally. This time, their bodies had forgotten the desperate pressure of the bottom of the ocean, and were now gently replaying the soft swaying of the waves. Still, there was something else pulling on Andy’s heart. Her hold on Quynh tightened. There was a pressure on her chest that felt like it could crush her. And if she didn’t say the words aloud she would scream and she would cry. She needed Quynh to know that above all things, beyond their courage, their power, their promises, and the fights, she loved her. She wanted to tell Quynh that she loved her, simply. She loved her, completely. She loved her in a way that was theirs and theirs only, and she said it in the words that they had claimed over the centuries and meant everything and more to them.

“Quynh” Andy whispered, her voice tense with emotion. She waited until the woman in her arms turned to look at her in the eyes. “Just you and me?” Andy asked, she was almost begging, she had desperately needed to say it, and to hear the answer.

“Until the end,” Quynh replied, promised, swore that was their truth.

Just like that, the raging fire inside Andy settled down, the furious seas inside Quynh calmed down. They were free from the terrors of that day, they were together to move on and continue to fight the wrongs of the world and love each other in the right ways. Andy smiled, she smiled genuinely and she smiled mostly because she knew that Quynh would return the smile. There was nothing she loved more than Quynh’s smile.

[moscow-jackboot]

Someone Old

Plot: Y/n sees her ex-boyfriend, Andrew Hozier-Byrne almost 3 years after their breakup. Y/N and Andrew started dating around the Fall of 2011 and broke up in December of 2016 because Andrew couldn’t balance his career/touring and their relationship. Y/N initiated the breakup due to Andrew’s neglect. They are seeing each other for the first time since their breakup in this story, which is set around October of 2019. I plan on doing some more writing with this storyline, some of it before the breakup and some it of afterwards.

Word Count: ~2.3k

“Do your friends know you’re here?” Andrew asked you timidly.

You smiled. He knew your friends weren’t fond of him after the breakup. “No. I didn’t want to give them a chance to talk me out of it.”

He nodded and finished his whiskey, motioning to the bartender for another.

“What about yours?” You asked hesitantly, wanting you to fill the silence.

“Yeah. I wasn’t sure if I should go through with it.”

Ouch.

He noticed the pained look on your face caused by his words and tried to fix it. “Not because I didn’t want to see you. I really wanted to see you tonight. Maybe too much. I just wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to disrupt your life like this.”

“You’re not disrupting my life at all, Andrew,” you reassured him. You never imagined that you’d be spending a Monday night after work seeing your ex-boyfriend perform at a theater half an hour from your apartment, and then going out for drinks afterward. When Andrew texted you asking if you wanted to see him when he was in town for a show later that month, you couldn’t bring yourself to say no. You considered pretending to be sick when you woke up this morning. You were too nervous about seeing him again after almost three years of no contact between you two.

“I didn’t think it would be so slow here tonight,” you commented.

“Well, it is Monday,” he said with a shy smile. You noticed that not only had his face thinned out a little since 2016, but apparently, he’d done something to his teeth. They were perfectly straight now. How could you miss something so big?

“So why did you reach out to me? I mean, I’m glad you did, but what made you decide to call me after almost three years without talking?” you asked, shifting your body towards him.

“I couldn’t handle being in your city on another tour and not even trying to see you again. It would drive me fucking crazy.”  

You knitted your eyebrows a little, pleasantly surprised by how candid his answer was.

“Did you want to talk about…?,” you trailed off, not wanting to say the words “the breakup.”

“Uh, yeah. There’s some stuff I never got to say. Is it… is it okay if I say it now?,” he asked you gently, not wanting to upset you.

“Better late than never,” you responded with a chuckle, which you were sure looked more like a grimace. He licked his lips and started talking.

“I ehm, I never wanted to hurt you. That...that truly wasn’t my intention. And I know that that sounds fucking ridiculous now, since how else could my behavior have affected you, you know? Ehm, of course, I hurt you. We were together for so many years, and we were so... intimate with each other.” He looked to you, cautious of his words. “And I don’t just mean sexually. You knew me inside and out. And I don’t think anyone can ever figure you out, but I think I was pretty close.” He smiled at you sheepishly. You chuckled and looked down shyly, your body filling up with the same feeling of warmth you’d felt the very first time you’d met Andrew all those years ago in university. You looked back up when you heard him speak again.

“I remember when we broke up, you asked me how I could throw you away after we’d shared so much of ourselves with each other….after we’d experienced so much life and-and... love together. And I just didn’t have an answer for you. And I hated that. I hated that so much. I hated that for you and I hated that for us. Because there’s never a good reason to not put somebody first when they’ve always been good to you. And you’re the one who got hurt because I was so focused on my career that I always let you —us— become my second priority. And losing you hurt for me too, but I earned that, you know?” The words rushed out of his mouth as if he’d been dying to say them for a long time.

You nodded, your eyes wide open, still absorbing every detail of his appearance after three years.

He continued. “Those were the consequences of my own actions. I always hated seeing you sad, or frustrated, or angry. And you felt all those things those last few months that we were together, and probably for months after. And I couldn’t fix it because I was the one who was making you feel that way.” He pursed his lips in thought.

“You never called.”

“Hm?,” He asked, raising his thick eyebrows. His green eyes looked so sweet and earnest. You’d always loved his eyes. They were the first eyes that made you understand the saying “the eyes are the window to the soul.”

“After we broke up. You just let me go. At first, I just thought you were giving me time to cool off, but then you didn’t try anymore. You never tried to get me back. You just let me walk out of your life and that really fucking hurt.”

“I didn’t think you’d take me back. And even if you did, I knew I didn’t deserve you again. You’re the most amazing person I have ever met and I absolutely destroyed everything we ever had. You deserved — deserve — someone who loves you too much to do what I did to you. And after all the shit I put you through, I just wanted you to be happy, and I knew I couldn’t do that for you anymore. I changed too much. I’d already been selfish and it tore us apart. I wasn’t going to be selfish again by asking to be in your life again when I didn’t have a place there.”

“That’s such a fucking cop-out. You could have made me happy if you just cared enough to try!,” you exclaimed, tears welling up. “Andrew, you said it yourself. We broke up because you stopped fucking caring. You stopped making me a priority. You treated me like shit. You would go on the road and you promised to call me every night and instead you left me by the phone crying myself to sleep wishing you would keep your promises. You would cancel trips to see me for gig offers or to record. The last year we were together, you forgot my birthday and our anniversary. You stopped caring, Andrew.” You waited a beat to verbalize how he’d made you feel all that time ago, amazed that you were able to keep yourself from raising your voice even if you were getting emotional. “I wasn’t important to you anymore.”

“Sweetheart, you were always important to me. I know I was kind of a shit boyfriend at the end, but you still meant the world to me.” Andrew said. You could see the heartache in his eyes. They were filled with tears too.

“Then why did you make me feel like I wasn’t?”

He sighed and looked down for a few moments, toying with the sleeves of his flannel shirt, something he’d always done when he was anxious. When he looked back up at you, a tear had fallen down his angular face. He closed his eyes and began to speak.

“I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. And…honestly, I didn’t realize that I was making you feel that way until almost the end of our relationship. I was too caught up in my own stuff. I wanted to make you proud, and I thought that doing more shows and bigger tours would accomplish that. And that was fucking stupid,” he said, shaking his head. He sighed and opened his green eyes, looking into yours. “Because after we broke up, I had a lot of time to think, and I realized that I didn’t need to perform in front of thousands of people to make you proud. You loved me before I had all this shit.”

“I did.”

“And I swore to myself that once the tour ended I would make it all up to you. That I would come home to you and I would spend time with you and just love you the way I used to...the way that you needed me to.”

“How was I supposed to know that though, Andrew?”

“I don’t know. I should’ve told you. I realize that now. I stopped opening up to you like I used to. Ehm... we stopped opening up to each other.”

You didn’t say anything. You just stared at him. You didn’t know what to say. For the longest time, you’d wished he would admit his wrongdoings and take responsibility for everything. Now he was finally doing it and you didn’t know what to say. He seemed to close off a little in response to your hesitation. He cleared his throat and straightened up a little.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have asked you to come here. I just knew that if I didn’t I’d regret it forever. And I don’t want to live with any more regrets when it comes to you.” He paused, and held your gaze for a moment, as if to ask for permission to say more. You nodded slightly, urging him to continue. “I didn’t think you’d come. I-I didn’t think you’d answer my text. I thought you hated me,” he said gently, looking down.

“Oh, Andy,” you put your hand on his bare wrist, which was exposed by his sleeve that had ridden up. He looked up when you said his nickname. “I could never hate you. Never. Even when we’d just broken up, I didn’t hate you. In fact, I still loved you so so much. I wanted to hate you sometimes. It would’ve made getting over you a whole lot easier. But you don’t stop loving someone just because they hurt you.” You paused for a little bit, unsure about whether or not you wanted to say what you were thinking. You decided you would, because you didn’t want to regret anything about this night either. “I still love you,” you said moving your hand down to his.

“I still love you too, baby. So much. So fucking much,” he confessed, wrapping his large, pale hands around yours.

Your heart fluttered when he said those words. You hadn’t heard them in almost three years. You weren’t sure you’d ever hear them from him again, but hearing them sparked something in you.

“You do? I thought you moved on.”

“I never stopped loving you though. Moving on from you didn’t mean that I stopped loving you. It just meant that I learned to live without you. I still think about you all the time. I always wonder how you’re doing...how life is treating you. I miss everything about you, y/n. The big things, like how you always supported me and stood by me; and the little things, like the smell of your hair when you’d put your head on my chest before bed or watching you play with Elwood. Or the way you’d make me porridge, and how you’d always insist on calling it oatmeal. I even miss you hogging the bathroom getting ready even though I always thought you looked beautiful no matter what.”

“Well you don’t have to miss me anymore, Andy,” you said earnestly.

“What do you mean? You wanna do this again?”

You nodded, your hands still intertwined.

His entire demeanor changed. His emerald green eyes went from looking anxious to hopeful. He licked his lips and started searching for his next words. “I ,ehm, I won’t be in town again for a little while because we still have about another month of touring. But once it’s over, maybe I can spend some time here and we can just, ehm, catch up-“

You cut him off. “No I mean, I want to try this again. Us.”

He raised his eyebrows, his mouth slightly open in surprise.

His silence instantly made you regret the risk you took with your words. “I mean, only if you want to. If you don’t want to, or if you’re already seeing someone, then you can just forget I said anythi-“

“Of course I do, y/n.”

“Okay, then...good,” you said with a grin. “But Andy,” you paused, gathering your thoughts. He looked at you intently, leaning in slightly. “Things have to be different this time around. I mean it. If you don’t treat me right, I’m out the door for good this time.”

He nodded his head, his wild, post-show hair moving with him. “I know, darling. I learned my lesson. Trust me. I don’t want to mess things up this time around. I feel really lucky to be able to do what I do, but I was even luckier to have you.”

“You’re such a fucking cornball,” you said, laughing loudly, but melting inside. You smoothed your hair and looked around, trying to hide the fact that you couldn’t stop smiling. That’s when you noticed that there was hardly anyone left in the bar. Andrew seemed to notice as well.

“Should we...?” you both asked at the same time with a chuckle.

“Yeah we should probably get going,” you answered your own question, getting off the barstool.

“Is it okay if I do something first?,” he asked softly, his tone cautious.

“Yeah, of course,” you responded, wondering what he had in mind. Your curiosity was satisfied a few seconds later when he tenderly pulled you closer with one hand on your waist on and the other on your face. He leaned down, his eyes closing. You stood up on your toes, grateful that you’d chosen to wear your heels that not only made your legs look long, but made his lips that much easier to reach without straining. Everything fell into place for the first time since that December night three years ago as he put his perfect pink lips on yours.

“I missed you too, you know,” you whispered before kissing him again.

-

This is my first time writing any kind of fanfic. Constructive, respectful criticism and feedback is welcome and appreciated!

[evans-heaven]

My review...ish (tbh it's just some notes I made lmao) on Defending Jacob

I'm strictly focusing on the Barbers here, and their relationships. I'm saving all the comments I might have about any other characters, and the performances of all the actors for a final review of the series-if I decide to do one lmao. Also, this isn't completely spoiler free, I couldn't resist y'all I'm sorry 😅

It's also straight from my notes, long asf and unedited asf and I won't take offence if you don't read. I did however enjoy writing it 😁

(This is all in good fun and yes and I'm biased and no you're not getting my time of day if you attack me)

Okay I'm done let's get into it lol

The Barbers are picture perfect. That house belongs on the cover of Better Homes and Gardens and that kitchen belongs on a Food Network show. They eat sleep and breathe privilege, but they probably won't admit it, or are even aware of it. To them, it might seem normal, maybe they believe every family is like that, or at least, should be. Their lives mirror that of basically any white family on TV these days. They're the cookie cutter American household, a damn poster family. Which makes their situation all the more interesting.

I adore Andy and Laurie's marriage. Lowkey they make me feel like I'm third wheeling, with the way they handle each other 🤣🥺 but eventually something began to hang over their heads, and the atmosphere surrounding them only, completely changed. The differences became more clear and God knows where thats gonna take them. Andy hid the truth about his Dad being in jail for 17 years really makes us wonder what else he could be hiding, and tbh she may be wondering the same. If theres anything else below the surface it could ruin them even more, and that's scary.

Andy's relationship with Jacob is the perfect representation of a healthy father-son dynamic. Andy's not rough around the edges and tough with him. It's an unashamedly loving relationship, and something we need to see more of. Let's put aside everything that happened after Jacob was accused. Closed off as he might seem, it's so clear he admires his dad. And Andy is a man who would risk it all for his kid. It's as simple as seeing the way he looks at him. He can't imagine anything ever changing the way he feels about him. And he probably thinks Jacob will never give him a reason for that to happen. He says "I love you" to him without sounding like there's a knife to his throat, jokes around with him, calls him 'buddy' more than he does his actual name, overall it would seem like we're watching best buds with a big ass age gap rather than a father and son 🤣

But back to reality, even after his son is being accused of murder, and him and his wife don't seem to agree on where they stand, Andy believes Jacob. He just sees a scared kid. On the surface, at least, that seems like what Andy thinks about the situation. However, given how good a certain someone portraying Andy (which is very easy to forget, as said certain someone fucking transforms and i see very little traces of him in this peformance) is at conveying emotion without saying a word, Andy won't have to open his mouth for his true feelings to come about. But let's not forget, he went off the handle in a very hot way upon finding a knife in his kid's room. His kid who is a very heavy sleeper might i add lmfao. He also, felt it appropriate to bring up his imprisoned father, which I honestly feel like had to be on account of some of his true feelings, whether he'd admit it or not.

The moment shit hit the fan for the Barbers is moment, I'm sure, we all felt a shift. I said last night that my anxiety was high even before Jacob's accusation, but after, I felt like I was experiencing the Barbers panic and helplessness with them, almost as though I was the accused.

Which brings me to my next point. We need to talk about that scene. You know the one. Where Lynn informed Andy for a situation I'm sure he never, in a million years anticipated. The level of talent radiating out of a certain someone is unmatched. Y'all (who have seen the show) saw the way the emotions raced across his eyes-his entire damn face? The disbelief in his voice, the tense, defensive stance he fell into? The heavy breathing, the anxiety that fell over him, the way he raced home desperately? If there's anything this show did for me and I'm sure so many others, is making us feel like we were experiencing the severity in person. And that's so special to me.

I won't get too much into this, but the way Jacob was handled by the police...well let's just say we know that wont be the behavior with everyone. And it has very little to do with his age, btw 😅

The way he pleaded for his dad almost had me tearing up. Being a lawyer, he feels as though his dad will protect him and make this situation go away. And if I was a 14 year old boy who was arrested for such a brutal murder, a lawyer who just so happens to be the man that raised me would be my first request.

Idk how I feel about the whole murder gene thing. I did however love the way the scenes kept switching, from Jacob finding out about Andy's dad to Laurie finding out. Their reactions were so similar and relatable. However, if that gets brought up in court as "evidence", that person is going to, and deserves to, get called tf out 🤣

Andy was entirely too polite to that waitress who was, very rudely, staring at Jacob. Maybe it's my inner drama lover, but if she stood there like an idiot looking at my kid, another thank you isn't all she was getting. Avert your eyes or lose them sis 🤬

Seeing everything progressively fall apart for the Barbers, while Jacob remains quietly oblivious broke my heart. Laurie being sent home (and highkey being fired lbr), losing her best friend, and seeing her son be treated like a criminal. Andy being increasingly protective of Jacob's every move, is understandable. I'm super excited to see the lengths he'll go to when it comes to protecting his kid, which, if the trailer is any indication, may not have boundaries.

A few more short notes:

Neal needa get hit by a bus and I volunteer

Leonard is a creepy mf which isn't really surprising but STILL

Pam shooting Andy down was lowkey harsh but she still pulled through so 🤷🏾‍♀️🤣

Andy not giving Neal the satisfaction of being closed off and succumbing to whatever drilling Neal thinks he doing is satisfying asf

Andy Barber is a dilf™️ in every scene

Am I the only one who heard Michelle's accent coming through in some things she says?

Laurie throwing the food Toby brought her in the trash without batting an eyelash, I got how she felt but that shit hurt to see 🤣

The actor playing Ben looks like the love child of Harry Styles and Grant Gustin

Wtf do Sarah and Derek know 😭 its killing me

Cherry Jones is killing it 🙌🏽

So is Jaeden, kid is blowing me away.

So is Michelle, her emotions are fucking mine up

The score is intense and adds to the anxiety we feel watching the show and I don't appreciate my emotions being played with in such a way

Chris Evans deserves an Emmy and if he doesn't get it we riot.

That's all for now, if I post anymore notes on the other episodes, obviously it won't be this long as from this point we're only getting one episode a week. Hope y'all enjoyed (if anyone bothers w this 🤣)💕