#flips your gender roles so now the guy is the one obsessed with their live interest and the girl* has bigger things going on

[encrucijada]

lipstick is included within the bounds of "dreamthings". aka adam sometimes wakes up with blue lip prints on him from... 😏

a list of ongoing moments

adam beating a dream half to death with a crowbar as an interrogation method

[kimnjss]

BMB Drabble request! Yoongi’s Friends fighting over who gets to be the new baby’s godfather. OR a wedding 🥺 Yoongi and Y/N’s or even 2seoks would be sooo cute!!!

all of your friends are gathered in your living room, dramatically called by yoongi to share the good news. taehyung and jungkook sit together on the love chair, jungkook flipping through videos on his phone while taehyung watches over his shoulder. jimin is beside them on the next couch, leaning over the armrest while chatting with tae. hobi and jin are in their own little world, deep in conversation about the role jin had just been cast in.

you had just succeeded in diffusing a meltdown by hyunki in his room. him deciding on his own that maybe it was time for him to take a nap right in the middle of it. how proud you were when his tears slowed and he was announcing that he thinks it's time for him to nap.

yoongi is stood in the middle of his room, fidgeting with his phone when you enter. all eyes on you at once as yoongi's arm extends to pull you toward him. “so what is it? why'd you gather us all here?” jin is speaking up, eyes darting between you and yoongi.

jimin, who had known the reason behind this 'family meeting' perks up, pleased that he is in the know unlike everyone else. although, it was a bit obvious by now. the baggy clothes you've been wearing, not trying to hide – but found more comfortable, the fact that both you and yoongi stayed away from the free drinks at the release parties. albeit, for differing reasons, but either way.

and on top of that, there was the fact that yoongi was so ready to announce that you guys were trying to get pregnant every chance he gets. so it's no surprise the lack of surprise when he's grinning, “we're pregnant!” simple congratulations and smiles, but no shock.

“i already knew!” jimin is pointing out with a grin.

talk breaks out in the living room about plans and baby showers and gender reveal parties and if you guys were going to do a registry. and then jungkook says it, eight words that has the conversation slowing in the room. “i can't wait to be a godfather, again!”

jimin is quick to cut in, brows furrowed. “what makes you think you're going to be the godfather?” jungkook is quick to list the reasons why he thinks it would only make sense for him and tae to be godparents. the fact that they were already hyunki's godparents and the whole point of a godparent was in case something happened to the actual parents, that's where the kid would go. so his argument is in favor of not splitting up your kids.

“okay, but. nobody thinks about that when they're choosing godparents, that's what the wills for,” jin says with a roll of his eye. “and honestly, it would only make sense if it were me. i mean you see how obsessed hyunki is with me.”

a crack of laughter breaks through jimin's lips, his eyes rolling. “that's not true! he's always looking for me. park! park! i made this for you,” imitating your son with a grin and you got admit he's pretty spot on. “so naturally, their next kid would love me and so yeah – godfather, is me.”

you're cutting in before the argument can go any further, “i'm sure our kid will love all of you just like hyunki does. we haven't decided on a godparent yet, but it'll be one of you.” had it in the back of your mind that you wanted taekook again, didn't even think that the other guys would want to.

but you had to admit, there's no denying the warmth that spread through your body with their little argument. this baby was going to be so loved, just like hyunki.

-

masterlist

-

⇝ taglist: @randomkoalablog @smoljams @dee-ehn @jaiuneamesolitaiire @hehehehahahohohuhu @sw33tnight @butterflylion @withlovestudyblr @soulstaes @bangtansonyeondayyyum @samros95 @korkanswers @houseofarmanto @marifujioka @tae165 @uxwi @jinhitwhore @preciouschimine @yeontanie21 @aa-ronpa @taefect94 @lee-karliah @codeinebelle @mochibabycakes @diminieshoe @fuddyize  @soloikeadates @0xmysticx0 @bbyjoonies @amoreguk @tricethecharm @diminieshoe @jayyayyy17 @softlyjins @bangtan-noona @fan-atic-blog @fuck-expectations-people @paradisetaemin @lilacdreams-00 @vsugakookie0104 @koostime @la-evforia @betysotelo18 @chocobetterknot @simplysanha @delicategukkie @kookieswithtaeq @jeon-ggukkie @angjeon

⇝ taglist: @bangtansbun @flamboyant-louie @elliemeetsevil @angiexyoung @stonyiscanon @strawberryforever25 @mipetronella @rageyoudamnednerd @hellotherehoneybee @joonies-babyy @mypurplelamp @jikooksgirl19 @sushi-date-ghost @bigimpression @kookiesjoonies @amour-quinn @diamonddia-mond @alterlovess @gemad08 @daydreambrliever @acc3ssdenied @silentlyimpractical @bella-victoria002 @ashleyjoyx @yoooonie @btsbed @sungieshines @thia-aep @taeshuworld @hopiebabie @trynavibewhileicry @illwritetomorrow @kookoo-kachoo @prettxyliies @triviasjms @ratking101 @elephantdoors @feel-like-gold @kelitt @itsponybeaches @alpaca1612 @jeonkookiebangtan @rather-not-sayy @kimsouthjoon @seokjiniebabie @wisenerdcreator @cosmicflwr @kookie-monsteur @donghae-bae @sugalarity93 @eugeneliem @morgstreet  @niieceyy @thefouranemoi @ayasanuwu @itsrapmonstanotdancemonsta @izzyexe @justzeera @xjoonchildx @pjmcth @fizziefizzco @monetsberet @killaqueeeennnn @mayumioutloud @mygsbae @fakeluvrm @lovingele @tetekiim @masterpiecejoonie @tiddieshakeshownu @kuppyjiminie @xlovelyyoongix  @beeeb05 @comically-sleep-deprived @spillthetaesissy @kerikaaria @ephyra1230 @hajiraa06 @bburninggoldd @luvsoobin @agustneeds @fromthedt @hecticwonderer @cuteipat @hispoutylips @moonlitmyg @fanfics-for-fun @ruinsofangels @untainted-memories @ughtear @hopetookmysoul @unicornnomore @jungkookspromise @namjoonbaby @vantaexx @apurpledheart @rjsmochii @ladyartemesia @bangpink123 @jrobmorebangtan @baabelleer @midkpjm @kthvhs @trinityxsope @thecityrain @princecalpal @honeyspillings @kim-ji-hyeons-world @hyungaway @agustdakasuga @namjoonsleftankle @notasunshine @abyssiniandissociation @taegix94 @alison-renee @somewhereinthestarss @salty-for-suga @simplymemyself @hear-me-growl @ggukkieland @hisunshiine @ephyraaaa @yoong-i @diorhobii @lexy9716 @psiphidragon  @crazyboutjooni @mvltimoon @barbikatherine @adoringinsanity @g0lden-sunset @thefiresfromheaven @nanied93 @sunshine-ybba @sakura-uji @bbyxiumin @snortyport @haveumetbadeth @abra-cadabra-jin @bangtandongsaeng @sixwestonrd @yoongs-jeontae @agirlintheparkjimin @1-800-jinsoul @craftymoonchaos @sammysammyswag @acupfullofsuga @tanumiki @neverthefirstchoice @eatjeanjin @dionysusrage @chogiyeol-utopia @wildly-lost-lantern @ditsyyvonne @uglyratlmao @sweeneyblue1 @deleteidentity @jwlmnbt @loveyoongles @sheebaba @minlindsx @btsbangtanbois @nananicholle @v9nte @munkey888 @lustremyg @silent-potato @chanelbts

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have pets? If so, what kind? If not, why not? Yep. I have a 1 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. She takes the princess part very seriously. haha.

Who do you live with? My parents, younger brother, and the Princess herself.

Are there any family members you never get along with? It’s not that we don’t get along, but we do bicker and butt heads sometimes.

What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? What about the happiest? I’d have to say the incident that made me a paraplegic at just 7 months old would be the saddest, but I’ve had a lot of other things happen as well throughout my life with health stuff and obstacles along with that, loss of loved ones, heartbreak, etc.  As for the happiest... I have a harder time pinpointing something. I’ve had happy times, like my childhood was great despite some obstacles. I look back on my childhood very fondly. Many happy memories with family like vacations, holidays, and just times together. Getting my dogs, Brandie and Princess Leia. Graduating. Getting accepted into the college of my choice. Stuff like that is what comes to mind.

How many years has it been since you graduated high school? It’s been 10 years. D:

What was the last new drink you discovered that was delicious? Hmm. I haven’t had a new drink in a long time, so I don’t recall.

What are five things you are good at? 1. Taking surveys. 2. drinking coffee. 3. Pushing people away. 4. Putting myself down and being my own toughest critic and enemy. 5. Overthinking everything.

What are five things you are bad at? 1. Doing some things that would really be beneficial for me. 2. Being a functional adult. 3. Not pushing people away. 4. Masking my emotions. 5. Math.

Do you have a YouTube channel? Yes. I don’t upload videos, although I actually did upload a few years ago. Those videos will never see the light of day again, though. lol.

Do you have trouble letting things go? Yes.

What was the easiest subject for you in school? English.

Do you decorate for holidays? Yep. I especially love to decorate for Christmas.

Do you dress up for holidays? I used to sometimes, but nah not anymore.

Did your high school have a strict dress code? I don’t think it was different than most high school’s dress codes.

Were you happy as a teenager? I struggled with low self-esteem and depression, but not like how I do now.

What do you do for your mom on Mother’s Day? I take her to breakfast or lunch and buy her some gifts.

Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? No.

Have you killed a bug this week? No.

What was the first food you learned how to cook? Top Ramen.

Do you have a Bachelor’s degree? If so, what in? Yes, in psychology.

Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I always go with my mom.

How long is your average shower? 30-45 minutes.

What color is your soap? Like a peachy color.

What is the most awful thing about the world today? There’s a lot.

Have you ever been arrested? If so, what for? No.

Have you ever been in court? If so, in which role? No.

Could you go a day without talking to the last person you kissed? We’ve gone like 3 years now.

Would you die for someone you love? Yes, but my favorite counter question to that, which I think says even more in my case is, “would you live for someone you love?” The way things are going right now in my life with health stuff and me not taking care of myself like I should be, plus the fact that I’ve let my health consume and take over... I’m not really living. I’m letting my life pass me by as I just waste away I feel like. My family worries a lot about me and they’re stressed out and also frustrated. They don’t want to see me this way. They of course want more for me than this.

Would you have sex with someone of the same gender as you? No.

What do you identify as? Like my name or gender? I’m a female named Stephanie.

Have you ever been addicted to something? Yes.

Have you ever gotten drunk? Yes, a few times.

Have you ever dealt with an eating disorder? I feel like I have something of an eating disorder, but I don’t know. It’s not anorexia or bulimia, but something is going on with me and food.

Have you ever stolen a street sign? No. I don’t get why people do that.

Have you ever eaten a piece (even just a small bit) of paper? No.

Introvert or extrovert? Introvert to the core.

Trump or Hillary? Blah.

Have you ever stepped in something disgusting with bare feet? No, but I’ve ran over cat and dog poop on accident *BARF* SO disgusting.

Have you ever had a concussion? No.

How many dresses do you own? Like 5.

When was the last time someone scared you? Yesterday. My mom came running out of the bathroom towards me with a Scream mask on and I screamed bloody murder lol. It was too real cause the way she came rushing out was just like how it’s does it in the movie slkjskdlfjlds.

Have you ever thought someone died when they didn’t? Yes! Such a weird thing. I had a dream and I wasn’t sure if I really did dream it or if it was real, so I ended up looking this person up on Facebook. They were very much alive, thankfully. It was just random, too, because it’s not even someone I’m friends with. It was someone from elementary and high school that I haven’t seen or talked to sine then.

Can you crack anything besides your knuckles? I sometimes crack my neck by just moving my head side to side. I don’t like do the whole, grab my chin and twist my head as far as I can. That freaks me out. I also stretch out my arm sometimes if I feel like it needs it and it cracks.

Do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? No.

Would you ever go bear hunting? No.

When was the last time you sang along with a song? Which one was it? It was recently, but I forget what song it was at the moment.

Do you prefer drawing or painting? Any particular reason why? I only color and that works for me.

Name something you thought was cool when you were younger but don’t now: Hmm.

What was the last book you read? I’m reading, “The Lonely Girl” by Gracie Wilson.

Do you like raisins? Chocolate covered ones are better.

Do you have a printer? Yeah.

Did you like the movie Antz? I’ve never seen it.

Is it okay to have crushes while in a relationship with someone else? I wouldn’t be okay with that. I mean, unless it was like a celebrity crush.

What do you think of sexism and double-standards? Do you believe in double-standards or do you think we should stop doing stuff like that? (ex. women can wear skirts and pants, but guys can only wear pants or they��ll get made fun of if they wore skirts): Uh, I think that they suck.

What’s your age range when it comes to dating? I think I’d go a year younger, but I’d really prefer them to be my age or older up to like 5 years.

If you had kids, would you want them to look like you? I’m not having kids.

Were you born with hair on your head? Yeah.

Would you rather have a home birth or hospital birth? Hospital.

If you could go back to your senior prom, what would you do differently? My prom went fine.

Do you currently live in the house you grew up in? No.

Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? I didn’t have one.

Who were your best friends in high school? Derek, Gabby, Gage, and Amanda.

Would you rather sleep on the top bunk or bottom bunk? It’d have to be the bottom bunk for me.

Are you close with your cousins? I used to be with a few, but not anymore. :(

Are you close to any aunts or uncles? One of my aunts and I are pretty close.

Are you close to your grandparents? I was very close to my maternal grandparents, especially my grandmother. I have a good relationship with my paternal grandparents as well, but again especially to my Nana. It’s not the same how it was with my maternal grandma, though.

Who betrayed your trust? Meh.

Who was your first best friend (apart from a sibling)? These 2 girls, Crystal and Starr, in preschool.

What’s the name of the gas station you last stopped at? *shrug*

Is there a topic that gets you really heated when it’s brought up? I avoid ones that would.

Do you forget to flip the page of your calendar at the start of each month? No, I’m pretty good about that.

Would you ever agree to an open relationship with someone? No.

Who is your least favorite actor? I don’t know if I really have a particular least favorite.

When is the last time you had a cigarette? Never.

Was babysitting your first job? It’s been my only one, if you want to count it since I only ever babysat my younger brother and a couple of my cousins. I need get money for it sometimes, though.

Do people always say you’re too thin? Yes, I hear that a lot from family and my doctors. I’m very well aware of it.

Is there something that you could never give up? Coffee, it would seem. ha.

Do you prefer piano music or violin music? Piano.

Would you ever get a tattoo on your collarbone? No. Have you ever showered with someone? No.

Are you racist to any race? No.

Have you ever intentionally hurt an animal? No.

Do you like being hot or cold better? Cold. I like cozying up under a blanket, wearing a hoodie or sweatshirt,  enjoying a nice hot beverage, and/or sitting near the fireplace. Being hot is just absolutely miserable to me and there’s nothing enjoyable about it.

What’s the best thing about school? I liked the learning part and some of the assignments/projects for the most part, but I could have done without all the stressed. I got so overwhelmed and burnt out so easily.

Do you watch independent movies? Have a favorite? Not usually.

In relationships, are you obsessive? No.

Have you ever auditioned for American Idol? Ha, no. I can’t sing at all. I mean, I can, technically, but I can’t sing well.

What’s your favorite Dr. Suess book? Hmm. Not sure I really have a particular favorite.

Do you dot your “i"s will little hearts? No.

Do you own any autographed memorabilia? No.

Have you ever dated a twin? No.

Do you own any expensive designer purses? No.

Do you look like a boring person? Probably. They’d be right to think that.

Oreos or Chips Ahoy? Oreos.

Do you have a better body or a better face? Neither.

Is it hard for you to admit when you’re hurt? No.

Have you ever considered being a cop? Nope.

Name the strangest game you’ve ever played (video game or real game): Life is Strange. ha.

Do you like sitting in the front, back, or middle of the classroom? I had to sit in the front.

Do you know anyone who has been struck by lightning before? No.

What’s your favorite superhero movie? The Avengers films, Deadpool 1& 2, Guardians of the Galaxy volume 1 & 2.

Do you struggle with acne? Not really. I get a little now and then. I did when I was a teenager and through my early 20s, though.

Have you ever fostered an animal? No.

Do you have a back pack in a shape of an animal? Yeah, I have a giraffe backpack.

[bigyack-com]

Quibi Is Coming. Here Are the Famous People Making Shows for It.

Quibi, set to launch on April 6, stands for “quick bites,” which refers to the service’s plan to offer short segments (10 minutes or less) designed for small screens (your phone).But little else about this short-form venture is bite-size. In its first year, the company’s partners (the chairman Jeffrey Katzenberg and the C.E.O. Meg Whitman) are spending more than a billion dollars on content acquisition alone. That’s partly because everyone in Hollywood seems to be doing a Quibi show, including heavy-hitters like Steven Spielberg, Guillermo del Toro, Kevin Hart and Jennifer Lopez.The company has been rolling out promotional announcements and previews all over — including on Twitter, in industry trade publications, at the Sundance Film Festival, and on a screen during a keynote presentation at CES in Las Vegas last month.On Friday, Quibi released its launch lineup, a total of 50 shows that includes Liam Hemsworth’s “Most Dangerous Game,” Queen Latifah’s “When the Streetlights Go On” and Chrissy Teigen’s “Chrissy’s Court.”But this is just a fraction of what Quibi says it will release in its first year. During that time, it plans to put out about 8,500 “quick bites of content” and around 175 new shows — 35 of these shows are “movies in chapters”; 120 are unscripted reality shows or documentaries; and the rest are news and lifestyle pieces, or what they call “daily essentials.”Will all of these shows actually end up happening? Will any of them be any good? Will anyone pony up $4.99 a month (or $7.99 without ads) to watch Quibi?Nobody knows! But at least Quibi has an impressive list of boldface names to tout to investors and potential viewers. Here’s who we know about for now, in alphabetical order. (Others involved in Quibi shows are denoted in bold.)Alexandre Aja: The director is developing a live-action adaptation of the horror manga “Tomie.”Stephen and Robbie Amell: The two actors (and cousins) are doing a spinoff of “Code 8,” their crowdsourced sci-fi thriller about oppressed super-people. The original film’s director, Jeff Chan, will be the showrunner.Eric Andre: He’s expanding his Adult Swim talk show sketch, “Rapper Warrior Ninja,” in which rappers must overcome weird obstacles while freestyling.Will Arnett: Arnett is a Quibi triple-threat. He’s hosting a show called “Memory Hole,” which examines so-called underdiscussed subjects (such as Canada); and he’ll be producing the animated series “Your Daily Horoscope” and a daily late-show recapper, “Late Night This Morning.”Ayo & Teo: The duo behind the viral dance challenge “Rolex” will be hosting “The Sauce,” a cross-country dance-competition series. (Usher is judging and executive producing.)Tyra Banks: She’s starring in and executive producing a docuseries called “Beauty,” which examines standards of beauty around the world and the ways in which they’ve developed.Chancelor “Chance the Rapper” Bennett: He’s taking over Ashton Kutcher’s role in yet another “Punk’d” revival, which will continue to be devoted to pranking unsuspecting celebs.Jason Blum: The Blumhouse impresario executive produced “Wolves and Villagers,” a “Fatal Attraction”-like story starring Naomi Watts.Joel Kim Booster: He’s co-hosting (with Keke Palmer) the rebooted “Singled Out,” which has been redesigned for all genders and sexual orientations across 20 episodes. He’s also writing and co-producing the Fire Island rom-com “Trip.”Guy Branum: The comedian is resurrecting the 2003 rom-com “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.” (He’s presumably not the guy they’ll be losing.)Scooter Braun: The manager of Justin Bieber and Ariana Grande is all over Quibi. He’s producing “&Music,” a music docuseries about behind-the-scenes music people like choreographers, video directors and stage designers. He’s also producing and judging an untitled music competition series, executive producing a celebrity tattoo docuseries and executive producing his client Demi Lovato’s talk show, “Pillow Talk with Demi Lovato.”Titus Burgess: The actor and singer is hosting a deconstructed cooking competition called “Dishmantled,” in which a mystery dish is cannon-blasted into the faces of chefs who must identify and recreate it. (Seriously.) Wolfgang Puck, Jane Krakowski and Rachel Dratch are among the judges for this strange ritual.Bill Burr: The comedian is writing, directing, producing and starring in “Immoral Compass,” a show based on Tyler Falbo’s digital shorts about moral dilemmas.Kay Cannon: The “Pitch Perfect” screenwriter is producing an adaptation of the book “Dead Spots,” which is about a supernatural crime-scene cleaner.Kiari “Offset” Cephus: The Migos member is taking celebrities for a ride with “Skrrt with Offset.” Guests include Cardi B, Dapper Dan, Jay Leno, T-Pain and more.Andy Cohen: After writing the books “The Andy Cohen Diaries” and “Superficial: More Adventures from the Andy Cohen Diaries,” the talk show host is writing and executive producing the six-episode animated series “The Andy Cohen Diaries.”James Corden: His Fulwell 73 company is producing the mind-reading show “Gone Mental with Lior,” featuring the Israeli mentalist Lior Suchard, who regularly stuns on Corden’s late-night show. Unsurprisingly, Corden will also be a guest, as will Ben Stiller, Zooey Deschanel, Kate Hudson and more.Darren Criss: He’s the co-creator, songwriter and star of the 10-episode musical comedy “Royalties.” Amy Heckerling is directing all 10 episodes.Tom Cruise: Quibi is developing a series called “Les Grossman,” about Cruise’s immortal “Tropic Thunder” character. While the service hasn’t confirmed Cruise’s involvement yet, do you think they could do it without him, playaaa? “Thunder” vets Ben Stiller and Justin Theroux were announced to be taking part at CES.Steph Curry: He’s executing producing a docuseries about a basketball team in Newark called “Benedict Men.”Cara Delevingne: The model and actress is hosting and executive producing a practical joke series — working title “Pranks” — in which she’s assisted by a squad of female accomplices.Guillermo del Toro: First Quibi announced that the Oscar-winning director was creating a modern vampire film — working title “Aftermath.” Then Quibi said that it was about zombies. Either way, it’s about the undead, del Toro’s specialty.Laura Dern: She’ll be doing the pouring in Nick Hornby’s bartender series “Just One Drink,” which he’s writing and executive producing. Dern is also executive producing.Adam Devine: This comedian is angling for a Darwin Award with “Bad Ideas with Adam Devine,” an adventure/travel show in which he puts himself and some famous companions in precarious positions (like wearing yummy chum in piranha-infested waters).Zac Efron: He reportedly nearly killed himself making “Killing Zac Efron” — requiring a medevac to a hospital in Australia after living off the grid in Papua New Guinea for this adventure/survival series.Idris Elba: He’s facing off against the rally car driver Ken Block in “Elba vs. Block,” an eight-episode series featuring stunt challenges like the Flaming Obstacle Course and the Wall of Death.Peter and Bobby Farrelly: The sibling directors are helming a suicide comedy called “The Now,” starring Dave Franco, Bill Murray, Daryl Hannah and O’Shea Jackson, Jr.Jon Favreau: His company Golem Creations is executive producing “Micro Mayhem,” a series devoted to stop-motion animated toy car chases, along with Seth Green’s company, Stoopid Buddy Stoodios.Dexter Fletcher: The “Rocketman” director’s involvement with an unspecified film was announced at CES.Will Forte: He’s co-starring with Kaitlin Olson as home renovators who luck into a cartel stash house in “Flipped,” one of the first shows available on launch.Ron Funches: The comedian is hosting a game show called “Nice One!,” in which comedians like Chris Hardwick try to toast, not roast, each other.Evan Funke: The celebrity chef is pursuing his obsession in “Shape of Pasta.” (Take a peek at about 18 minutes into this.)Antoine Fuqua: He’s executive producing the $15 million drama “#Freerayshawn,” starring Stephan James as a framed Iraq vet and Laurence Fishburne as a hostage negotiator.Seth Grahame-Smith: The author of “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” is executive-producing “The Last American Vampire,” focusing on a vamp-F.B.I. team-up.Catherine Hardwicke: She’s directing and executive-producing the 14-episode sci-fi thriller “Don’t Look Deeper,” starring Don Cheadle and Emily Mortimer.Mary Harron: The “American Psycho” director is helming “The Expecting,” a horror film about a disturbing pregnancy starring AnnaSophia Robb.Kevin Hart: He’s producing, writing and starring in “Die Hart,” playing a would-be action hero version of himself who takes classes from John Travolta’s action-school coach. (It’s an expansion of the opening scene of his film “Kevin Hart: What Now?”)Liam Hemsworth: The “Hunger Games” star is the hunted prey “Most Dangerous Game,” a retelling of a classic short story with Christoph Waltz playing the mastermind in one of Quibi’s first shows to launch. May the odds be ever in his favor.Michael Hirst: The “Vikings” creator is developing the historical drama “Charlemagne.”Boyd Holbrook: He’s playing a man wrongfully accused of terrorism (and pursued by a detective, Kiefer Sutherland) in a reboot of “The Fugitive.”Rosie Huntington-Whiteley: The model and actress is hosting and executive producing a show about beauty icons with the working title “The Go See.”Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson: He’s executive producing an animated adaptation of the graphic novel “Trill League,” about a team of black superheroes.O’Shea “Ice Cube” Jackson: His involvement with an untitled heist series was announced at CES.LeBron James: He’s producing a docuseries about his Ohio school called “I Promise.”Kendall and Kris Jenner: The model and her mother, Kris, are executive producing a parody series about the impersonator “Kirby Jenner,” who pretends to be Kendall’s fraternal twin on Instagram. (A Twinstagrammer?) Ryan Seacrest is also executive producing.Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson: He’s executive producing a Hawaii-set comedy called “Last Resort,” along with Paul Feig.Joe Jonas: He’s expanding his Instagram travelogue of the cities explored on tour with “Cup of Joe,” along with guests such as Tina Fey and Jack Black.Rashida Jones: The writer-actress and her writing partner Will McCormack are executive producing a flower design series called “Centerpiece,” in which such guests as Ava DuVernay and Maya Rudolph create floral centerpieces with host Maurice Harris of Bloom & Plume.Anna Kendrick: She’s executive producing and starring in the comedy “Dummy,” playing a woman who becomes buddies with her boyfriend’s sex doll. (Get a glimpse of it here.)Liza Koshy: The “Liza on Demand” star is hosting a moving-floor-based dance competition called “Floored.”Kevin Kwan: The “Crazy Rich Asians” author is examining elite brands’ familial dynasties with “Empires of Luxury.”Queen Latifah: She’s starring as a police detective investigating a double murder in “When the Streetlights Go On,” one of the first shows available at launch. Chosen Jacobs and Mark Duplass co-star.Thomas Lennon: Another Quibi M.V.P., he’s starring in and writing both the “Reno 911!” revival and the Napa Valley comedy “Winos.” Wendi McLendon-Covey is also producing and co-starring in “Reno 911!”Doug Liman: The director-producer is adapting a Steven Gould story for “Crazy Talented,” in which psych ward patients discover their mental issues are actually superpowers. His 30 Ninjas company is also producing “Don’t Look Deeper.”Jennifer Lopez: She’s executive producing and participating in “Thanks a Million,” a pay-it-forward-style show that will feature guests such as Nick Jonas, Yara Shahidi, Gabriel Iglesias, Kristen Bell, Tracy Morgan, Karlie Kloss and Aaron Rodgers, who pay back people who’ve helped them out along the way.Demi Lovato: Her talk show, “Pillow Talk With Demi Lovato,” will explore body positivity, gender identity, social media, activism and more.Miles “Lil Yachty” McCollum: The rapper is starring in “Public Figures,” a comedy inspired by events of his youth.Jed Mercurio: The “Bodyguard” creator is developing a sci-fi thriller, “Transmissions,” about a scientist who’s receiving signals from deep space.Cam Newton: The Carolina Panthers quarterback is executive producing and participating in the sports series “Iron Sharpens Iron,” pairing athletes from completely different sports to train together. (For example, Newton with Atlanta Hawks point guard Trae Young, U.S. Women’s National Team captain Carli Lloyd with U.F.C. champion Amanda Nunes.)Trevor Noah: The “Daily Show” host is executive producing and starring in a comedic travelogue about his interactions on tour — the working title is “Canceled.”Will Packer: He’s executive producing a Donald Sterling documentary called “Blackballed.”Jim Parsons: He’s executive producing the comedy “The Monarchy Is Going To S***.”Travis Pastrana: The motor sports star is hosting the Nitro Circus stunt show “Life-Size Toys.”James Patterson: The author is an executive producer on the adaptation of his book “Toys.”Paula Pell: She’s the co-creator and star of the comedy “Mapleworth Murders,” about a mystery writer who just so happens to have homicides committed in her vicinity on a disturbingly regular basis. Her “Saturday Night Live” colleagues (such as Fred Armisen, Maya Rudolph, Tim Meadows and Tina Fey) pop by as characters to be accused — or killed. Lorne Michaels and Seth Meyers are executive producing.Sam Raimi: He’s executive producing the horror anthology “50 States of Fright,” exploring folklore and urban legends from around the country, starring Karen Allen, Rachel Brosnahan, Asa Butterfield, Rory Culkin, Taissa Farmiga, Travis Fimmel, Ron Livingston, Elizabeth Reaser, Christina Ricci and Ming-Na Wen.Megan Rapinoe: The soccer star is hosting a docuseries about young athletes called “Prodigy.”Ryan Reynolds: His involvement with an unspecified animation project was announced at CES.Nicole Richie: She’s executive producing and starring in the comedy “Nikki Fre$h” as her rapper alter ego. Her husband Joel Madden’s music company is overseeing the music.Adam Rippon: The Olympic figure skater is hosting “This Day in Useless Celebrity History.”Kathleen Robertson: The actress is writing and executing producing the remake of 1995’s “Swimming with Sharks” starring Kiernan Shipka and Diane Kruger.Michelle Rodriguez: Her involvement with a show called “Ten Ton Chum” was announced at CES.Justin Roiland: The “Rick & Morty” co-creator makes “Gloop World,” a clay animation show where two blobs are roommates, with Seth Green’s Stoopid Buddy Stoodios.Anthony and Joe Russo: Inspired by the Reed Tucker’s book “Slugfest: Inside the Epic, 50-Year Battle Between Marvel and DC,” the “Avengers” directors and brothers are exploring comic book rivalries on “Slugfest.” Pow!Andy Samberg: He’s hosting and executive producing a single-bite cooking competition called “Biggest Little Cook-Off.” (In other words, quick bites. Get it?) He also appears on “Mapleworth Murders.”Ridley Scott: He’s executive producing the gaming thriller/horror “CURS_R,” about a computer survival game that tricks players into playing for their lives.Steven Soderbergh: He’s executive producing the thriller “Wireless,” about a crash survivor (played by Tye Sheridan) trying to communicate on his smartphone. (Get a glimpse at about 27 minutes into this.)Steven Spielberg: He’s creating a horror series — working title “After Dark” — that will unlock on phones only after the sun has set in the viewer’s location.Veena Sud: “The Killing” showrunner is the creator, writer and director of the ride-share thriller “The Stranger,” starring Dane DeHaan as a sociopath terrorizing his driver Maika Monroe.Jimmy Tatro: He’s the co-creator and star of “Junior High,” an expansion of his YouTube series, and a co-star on “The Now.”Chrissy Teigen: She’s the judge presiding over small claims cases in “Chrissy’s Court,” where she rules on real-life cases. Teigen’s mother Vilailuck acts as bailiff in the 10-episode series.Sophie Turner: She’s starring as a suicidal plane crash survivor who has to find a will to live in an adaptation of Alex Morel’s “Survive,” one of the first shows available at launch. Corey Hawkins co-stars.Gabrielle Union: She’s executive producing “Black Coffee,” a comedy about a former basketball star who opens up a coffee shop.James Veitch: The comedian known for his spam email Ted Talks hosts the “Q-Talks” comedy special, co-starring Regina Hall, Lisa Kudrow, Niecy Nash and Kristen Schaal.Sasha Velour: This “RuPaul’s Drag Race” champ is hosting and executive producing an eight-episode drag revue called “NightGowns.”Mark Wahlberg: He’s executive producing “Run This City,” a docuseries about Jasiel Correia II, the former mayor of Fall River, Mass., who during his term was charged with fraud, bribery and extortion.Lena Waithe: She’s exploring sneaker culture in the docuseries “You Ain’t Got These,” with guests Carmelo Anthony, Billie Jean King, Hasan Minhaj, Questlove, Nas, Mike Epps and more.Alexander Wang: The fashion designer sets his talk show, “Potty Talk,” in the bathroom.Allen Strickland Williams: He’s the creator of the comedy “Unmatched,” about people who refuse to settle down.Reese Witherspoon: The actress-producer — who is married to Quibi’s head of content acquisition and talent, Jim Toth — is hosting “Fierce Queens,” a docuseries about female animals who lead their packs or pods (hyenas, humpback whales) as well as the femme fatales who dine on their mates (fireflies). Toth, beware!WWE wrestlers: Wrestlers — Sasha Banks, Brie Bella, Nikki Bella, Alexa Bliss, Sonya Deville, Charlotte Flair, Nia Jax, Becky Lynch and Natalya — team up with young women to help them become stronger in “Fight Like a Girl.” Read the full article

[everydayinferno]

Supertopia Interview: Laura Hirschberg, Playwright

SUPERTOPIA Written by Laura Hirschberg Everyday Inferno Theatre Company’s fifth annual FREE show in Central Park

SUMMIT ROCK, CENTRAL PARK August 11th-13th & August 18th-20th at 6:30pm Tickets: FREE (suggested donation of $10)

An original, heartfelt adventure for all ages, Supertopia centers around a group of remarkable, super-powered people in a new land where heroes aren’t unique, and no one is in need of saving. Accountable to no one but themselves, the nine settlers of Supertopia struggle with the responsibility of creating a better world and the impossible, incredible choices that come with great power. Everyday Inferno’s fifth annual free Central Park production imagines the lush, isolated beauty of Summit Rock as an uncharted wilderness, full of possibility. Join us once more for an astonishing summer evening, as we build new worlds in our own shared backyard.

Why Supertopia? What was the inspiration or genesis for this script? This play developed from a few tiny kernels.  I wanted to write a true ensemble piece that called for heightened movement.  Everyday Inferno suggested I write something site-specific for Summit Rock and aim for a large cast.  These few prompts, combined with Katherine [Sommer, the Director]'s and my shared obsessions, yielded a play about an outer-space utopia filled with superheroes. Naturally.

You began working on Supertopia in the Everyday Inferno Developmental Lab in 2016.  What has the journey been like from the beginning of the lab until now? The Supertopia folder on my computer contains something like twelve drafts of the play.  The piece has gone through enormous changes in the past year, largely thanks to the insightful feedback provided by my colleagues from the Lab.  A handful of playwrights, another handful of directors, and dozens of actors have guided this piece along its way and I'm deeply grateful. It took us a while to find the heart of the play.  Riffing on the utopia idea, we thought it might be a play about what it takes to form a community, and the kind of person who might rise to lead a remarkable group of people.  There are undoubtedly still echoes of those musings in the current text, but the essence of the play coalesced when we started discussing the pros and cons of having superpowers.  It's the kind of topic you'd expect to hear debated over a couple of beers, but when you sincerely dig into the subject, fascinating themes start to emerge.  I found myself writing about what we owe each other, the responsibility that comes with being special, the fear and loneliness great power can illicit...  It was a wonderful day when Katherine and I figured out what this play really wanted to be. The whole process has been one of honesty and discovery.

Why do you write for theater? Why this, and not another form? Theater is immediate.  It's ephemeral and mercurial and alive.  I love a good book.  The solidity and constancy of wonderful prose.  But theater is living, breathing, and right there in front of you.  The performance you're seeing, from the seat you're in, with this cast, this direction, this costume design, this weather... it'll never happen again.  Not quite the way you experienced it.  That uniqueness is electric.  It forces you to be present.  And everyone involved, from the writer to the stage manager to the guy sitting four rows behind you, is on this journey together. Even though each of you is having a one-of-a-kind experience, you're also connected--through shared laughs, surprising moments of empathy, and the wonderful vulnerability that comes from taking a moment to step out of your life and play pretend.

What super-ability would you most want to have and least want to have? Teleportation looks very good to me.  I'm constantly lamenting not being able to be in two places at once.  And the MTA is doing its best to make me hate commuting.  On the flip side, telepathy is a fairly terrifying concept.  It would be simultaneously overwhelming and isolating.  It's too much power and definitely too much responsibility.

What would be your role/how would you contribute in a new civilization? I'm a planner by nature, so I'd probably gravitate towards figuring out the details and keeping things on track.  But I'm also handy and like solving puzzles, so I'd be delighted to be the local MacGyver--ready to fix a problem with a role of duct tape and a jar of peanut butter.

Strawberry, Banana, or Kiwi? Chocolate.

What do you wish the theatre had more of? Fearlessness.  I think a lot of productions miss the mark because they're too worried about looking silly or "getting it wrong."  Shows without this hesitation are vulnerable, surprising, and inspirational. I'd also love to see more circus elements in theatre.  Movement beyond the ordinary--I want more angels crashing through ceilings, boys floating through space while still sitting in their bedrooms, men in the eye of a hurricane of their own making.

Identity and people's perception of identity is one of the themes that binds the plays in Everyday Inferno’s season. What does identity mean to you? Identity is a moving target.  We get handed a bunch of labels the day we're born--gender, religion, nationality, etc.  An identity starter-pack.  And as life goes on, we acquire more labels.  Maybe we hang onto them, maybe we try them out for a while then realize they were a wrong fit.  Every once in a while, we might even question whether the starter-pack labels still apply.  We make choices.  Every day.  And big or small, wise or foolish, those choices add up to who we are.  

Why is free theatre important? Free theater is important because theater is for everyone.  There's no inherent barrier between the audience and the performers.  We're all in it together. People with access to means shouldn't be the only ones with a chance to experience that connection.  Furthermore, offering high quality, low-priced theater is an excellent way to cultivate a new crop of theater fans--people who might have previously thought that theater was inaccessible or elitist.

What is the biggest challenge this piece has posed to you? There are multiple scenes in which all nine characters are on stage.  That's a lot of people to juggle and a lot of voices to make heard.  I didn't want this to be a play with two leads and a crop of supporting players.  This is the story of a community of individuals--everyone has his or her own story--and I wanted to do justice to all of them.

What do you hope the audience will be talking about after they see your play? I hope the audience will be talking about these actors and the wonderful direction!  And I hope they'll be considering what kind of heroes they want to be in their everyday life.

Laura Hirschberg has collaborated with Everyday Inferno as a playwright, director, and enthusiastic audience member since the company's early days. Supertopia originated as part of Everyday Inferno’s 2016 Playwright/Director Development Lab. Other playwriting credits include: Heart of Oak (Everyday Inferno); Verona Walls (WorkShop Theater); Fire Thief (Looking Glass Theatre); Call Me... (WorkShop Theater); Truth and the Mountain Men (Ugly Rhino); and Fish Food (WorkShop Theater).  An excerpt from Laura's play, Her Brother's Keeper, was published by Smith & Kraus as part of their collection of 2016's Best Men's Stage Monologues.  Laura is currently an associate artistic director at The WorkShop Theater.

[psychotherapyconsultants]

Why Men Give Up Their Identity in a Relationship

Over the past 30 years of working as a psychologist with men doing individual and group therapy, I have often seen men struggling to maintain either the romance or friendship or both in their intimate relationships. It’s a subject I’ve been investigating and exploring for much of my professional and personal life. I’ve often noticed my men clients complaining about their relationships in a way that is troubling. Why is my wife so controlling? I feel like I never do things right by her, and she always finds something to criticize; is there such a thing as the-glass-is-always-half-empty syndrome?  It feels like she doesn’t appreciate me. She controls what restaurants we go to and where we go on vacation. Why doesn’t she value my input on how to raise our kids? I don’t know why I have to send the kids to private school; it puts so much pressure on us financially. I didn’t want to travel for one of my two-week’s vacation with my wife’s parents. I don’t know how to make her happy.  

When these same men come into therapy as a couple, 85 percent of the time, they will turn to their partner and ask, “What did you want to talk about?”  Even though there is usually something bugging or troubling them, they’re reluctant to talk about it. They choose not to mention a recent conflict or an objectionable quality about their partner, and instead, they take to the sidelines, either denying it or avoiding it, faultily thinking it will go away. They have such fear of confrontation, anything but that!  

Despite the progress being made dispelling myths and eliminating stereotypical gender roles, much of society still perpetuates the idea that women are in charge of the child-rearing and dealing with any relationship problems that come up at home and in the therapy office. We see this dynamic played out in movies, sitcoms, TV commercials, and even t-shirts reading “My only boss is my wife.” Many married, heterosexual men feed into this idea by joking about their “old ball and chain” or being kept “on a leash,” or “happy wife, happy life.”  This is not only a distorted and unfair characterization of men and women but a kind or rigid relationship role-playing whose paradigm was supposed to have gone out of style back in the 60’s. 

Good relationships these days are more about equality. They involve give and take, strength and vulnerability, independence and closeness. However, both men and women sacrifice a lot when they give up too much of themselves for “the sake of the relationship.” When either partner forgoes their individuality, the relationship itself loses steam. This lack of vitality in a marriage is what inspires many couples to seek therapy.

While a lot of men complain about deferring to the women in their lives, they don’t always recognize the ways they’re drawn to, seeking out, or contributing to this dynamic. Some men find it more comfortable to feel directed or taken care of by their partner. They ask, “Where do you want to go on vacation? Eat? See a movie? etc.” They don’t realize it, but they’re actually actively giving up a part of themselves that is vital, independent, and attractive to their partner.

Writer, poet Robert Bly, offered insight into this phenomenon. He observed from his work with men that many boys growing up are more sensitive and able to care about their partner’s feelings and health. They are better at sharing in domestic responsibilities such as childcare and household chores. They may be more emotionally attentive to others, and yet, they’re not always in tune with their own life energy, the life-giving, wild side of themselves (not to be confused with the savage side of man). He explores this very cleverly in his book Iron John.  They may lose touch with their unique initiative, ideas, and passion, and ironically, these are often the traits that drew their partner to them in the first place.

David Finch, captures this best in his book titled How to be a better husband: One Man’s Journal of Best Practices.  A few years after publishing the book, Finch told the following story, while speaking at a conference.  He described how he was just about to take off for a speaking gig and while saying goodbye to his wife, she told him that the marriage was over.  Finch was stunned (and thinking at the time, wasn’t I the guy who had a bestseller on being a great husband?), but he couldn’t address the shock and discouragement he felt at the time. Although he was freaked out, he had to leave on his work trip .Here he was, a guy who really thought he had figured out how to make his wife happy, who believed he was in the “happy wife, happy life” phase of his life, and now he had to face that his marriage was over.  While he was away, he felt pretty bad and obsessed about what had gone wrong in his marriage. 

Finch returned home feeling really deflated. As soon as it was possible, he spoke with his wife. She explained that what she really meant was that their marriage, as it had been, was over, and that she wanted a different kind of marriage.  He was greatly relieved to realize that it was their relationship dynamic that, in his wife’s view, had to change, and the marriage was still alive, even if it was on “life support.” He found out that his wife wanted their relationship to be very different than it had been.  She told him that she found him far too focused on fulfilling her desires and needs and, in the course of doing that, had forgotten aspects of his own identity. She found their marriage had become routine and predictable. It seemed that the more Finch focused on pleasing her, the more she lost touch with her attraction and interest in him. Where was he, the person?  She missed the collaboration, energy, and unpredictability, agreeing and disagreeing, but having two points of view, not having her point of view always trump his. She wanted what mattered to each of them individually, the things they were really passionate about, to go on mattering, and she believed that the dynamic recipe was made up of sharing life and being strong and feeling individuals.  This was the vitality or wildness that was missing for her, the adventure of two people finding their way down and through the stream of life.

Because Finch is such a revealing and entertaining speaker, he was able to present his marital struggles in a humorous light. But what he captures in his personal story is the importance of being alive and true to yourself as well as to another.  The goal for any two people in a relationship, regardless of gender, is to be equal and adult. To be life-generating, involves knowing yourself, your passions, your wants, your feelings, including what you like and dislike. It doesn’t mean being selfish, rigid, or controlling, but it does mean, sometimes saying no and standing your ground. It’s possible to be vulnerable and available without giving up important parts of who you are, and this is the ultimate struggle for any two people who choose to intimately share their lives.

For many people, this disconnect from themselves comes from lessons learned in early childhood. For example, a good number of men I’ve worked with grew up without a father with whom they could identify. Their mother may have been more accessible or felt more emotionally safe. These boys developed a stronger identification and connection with their mothers than with their fathers. In some cases, their mother taught them how to respond and take care of her or the family’s needs. Some of these men described this relationship as giving them more confidence; even feeling they had an advantage over other men, in terms of being able to be more sensitive and attuned to a future girlfriend. 

Of course, any mother-son or parent-child relationship will influence a person’s budding sense of identity and future relationships. One study found that a healthy relationship between a mother and son directly affects his sense of morality and ability to have healthy romantic relationships as an adult. However, if that relationship is more strained or the mother has a more critical view of her son or men in general, the son often internalizes these attitudes toward himself. In addition, if he had a father who seemed weak-willed, emotionally vacant/distant, or too critical and punishing, or if he had no father figure at all, he may struggle with his own identity and the concept or expectations surrounding masculinity.  

  While I’m not personally advocating or even identifying certain characteristics as “masculine” or “feminine,” most people are being raised or have been raised in homes with limiting, even hurtful attitudes or expectations surrounding their gender.  The distorted views of masculinity that some of the men I’ve worked with were exposed to as young boys left them feeling suspicious of the masculine. Some described adopting their mother’s fear or distrust of men or taking on the guilt of their father’s absence. Many described feeling either guilty or ashamed of their maleness, or on the flip side, thinking they had to constantly prove themselves and become workaholic providers.  As a result, they grew up struggling with their personal identity as a man.  

As adults, most of these men possess important traits of sensitivity and attunement to others, but they lack gumption when it comes to expressing themselves. They’re hesitant or unwilling to be bold or take initiative. They may date people who are more controlling or seek direction from their partner or spouse, even when she or he isn’t trying to take the reins. These men often struggle with connecting to their own convictions or their anger, and they find it especially challenging to express their point of view directly.

The work in therapy, for these men ,has been for them to find their way in their relationships. They have to identify ways they may put themselves down or keep themselves “in their place.” They should explore any negative or distorted associations they have around the concept of “masculinity.” They need to determine for themselves what it means to be who they really are — to feel strong and self-possessed, sensitive and attuned — both toward themselves and toward those close to them.

For me, it was a combination of men’s groups, therapy, male mentors, and my male friendships that helped me come to feel more comfortable and confident as a man. It is from this place that one can experience all that that embodies: being able to access one’s natural wildness, openness to adventure, the capacity for serious focus, the ability to recognize and express the full range of feelings, sensitivity to others, knowing and expressing one’s wants, and saying “no” when one feels like it.

  from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2017/06/14/why-men-give-up-their-identity-in-a-relationship/

[erraticfairy]

Why Men Give Up Their Identity in a Relationship

Over the past 30 years of working as a psychologist with men doing individual and group therapy, I have often seen men struggling to maintain either the romance or friendship or both in their intimate relationships. It’s a subject I’ve been investigating and exploring for much of my professional and personal life. I’ve often noticed my men clients complaining about their relationships in a way that is troubling. Why is my wife so controlling? I feel like I never do things right by her, and she always finds something to criticize; is there such a thing as the-glass-is-always-half-empty syndrome?  It feels like she doesn’t appreciate me. She controls what restaurants we go to and where we go on vacation. Why doesn’t she value my input on how to raise our kids? I don’t know why I have to send the kids to private school; it puts so much pressure on us financially. I didn’t want to travel for one of my two-week’s vacation with my wife’s parents. I don’t know how to make her happy.  

When these same men come into therapy as a couple, 85 percent of the time, they will turn to their partner and ask, “What did you want to talk about?”  Even though there is usually something bugging or troubling them, they’re reluctant to talk about it. They choose not to mention a recent conflict or an objectionable quality about their partner, and instead, they take to the sidelines, either denying it or avoiding it, faultily thinking it will go away. They have such fear of confrontation, anything but that!  

Despite the progress being made dispelling myths and eliminating stereotypical gender roles, much of society still perpetuates the idea that women are in charge of the child-rearing and dealing with any relationship problems that come up at home and in the therapy office. We see this dynamic played out in movies, sitcoms, TV commercials, and even t-shirts reading “My only boss is my wife.” Many married, heterosexual men feed into this idea by joking about their “old ball and chain” or being kept “on a leash,” or “happy wife, happy life.”  This is not only a distorted and unfair characterization of men and women but a kind or rigid relationship role-playing whose paradigm was supposed to have gone out of style back in the 60’s. 

Good relationships these days are more about equality. They involve give and take, strength and vulnerability, independence and closeness. However, both men and women sacrifice a lot when they give up too much of themselves for “the sake of the relationship.” When either partner forgoes their individuality, the relationship itself loses steam. This lack of vitality in a marriage is what inspires many couples to seek therapy.

While a lot of men complain about deferring to the women in their lives, they don’t always recognize the ways they’re drawn to, seeking out, or contributing to this dynamic. Some men find it more comfortable to feel directed or taken care of by their partner. They ask, “Where do you want to go on vacation? Eat? See a movie? etc.” They don’t realize it, but they’re actually actively giving up a part of themselves that is vital, independent, and attractive to their partner.

Writer, poet Robert Bly, offered insight into this phenomenon. He observed from his work with men that many boys growing up are more sensitive and able to care about their partner’s feelings and health. They are better at sharing in domestic responsibilities such as childcare and household chores. They may be more emotionally attentive to others, and yet, they’re not always in tune with their own life energy, the life-giving, wild side of themselves (not to be confused with the savage side of man). He explores this very cleverly in his book Iron John.  They may lose touch with their unique initiative, ideas, and passion, and ironically, these are often the traits that drew their partner to them in the first place.

David Finch, captures this best in his book titled How to be a better husband: One Man’s Journal of Best Practices.  A few years after publishing the book, Finch told the following story, while speaking at a conference.  He described how he was just about to take off for a speaking gig and while saying goodbye to his wife, she told him that the marriage was over.  Finch was stunned (and thinking at the time, wasn’t I the guy who had a bestseller on being a great husband?), but he couldn’t address the shock and discouragement he felt at the time. Although he was freaked out, he had to leave on his work trip .Here he was, a guy who really thought he had figured out how to make his wife happy, who believed he was in the “happy wife, happy life” phase of his life, and now he had to face that his marriage was over.  While he was away, he felt pretty bad and obsessed about what had gone wrong in his marriage. 

Finch returned home feeling really deflated. As soon as it was possible, he spoke with his wife. She explained that what she really meant was that their marriage, as it had been, was over, and that she wanted a different kind of marriage.  He was greatly relieved to realize that it was their relationship dynamic that, in his wife’s view, had to change, and the marriage was still alive, even if it was on “life support.” He found out that his wife wanted their relationship to be very different than it had been.  She told him that she found him far too focused on fulfilling her desires and needs and, in the course of doing that, had forgotten aspects of his own identity. She found their marriage had become routine and predictable. It seemed that the more Finch focused on pleasing her, the more she lost touch with her attraction and interest in him. Where was he, the person?  She missed the collaboration, energy, and unpredictability, agreeing and disagreeing, but having two points of view, not having her point of view always trump his. She wanted what mattered to each of them individually, the things they were really passionate about, to go on mattering, and she believed that the dynamic recipe was made up of sharing life and being strong and feeling individuals.  This was the vitality or wildness that was missing for her, the adventure of two people finding their way down and through the stream of life.

Because Finch is such a revealing and entertaining speaker, he was able to present his marital struggles in a humorous light. But what he captures in his personal story is the importance of being alive and true to yourself as well as to another.  The goal for any two people in a relationship, regardless of gender, is to be equal and adult. To be life-generating, involves knowing yourself, your passions, your wants, your feelings, including what you like and dislike. It doesn’t mean being selfish, rigid, or controlling, but it does mean, sometimes saying no and standing your ground. It’s possible to be vulnerable and available without giving up important parts of who you are, and this is the ultimate struggle for any two people who choose to intimately share their lives.

For many people, this disconnect from themselves comes from lessons learned in early childhood. For example, a good number of men I’ve worked with grew up without a father with whom they could identify. Their mother may have been more accessible or felt more emotionally safe. These boys developed a stronger identification and connection with their mothers than with their fathers. In some cases, their mother taught them how to respond and take care of her or the family’s needs. Some of these men described this relationship as giving them more confidence; even feeling they had an advantage over other men, in terms of being able to be more sensitive and attuned to a future girlfriend. 

Of course, any mother-son or parent-child relationship will influence a person’s budding sense of identity and future relationships. One study found that a healthy relationship between a mother and son directly affects his sense of morality and ability to have healthy romantic relationships as an adult. However, if that relationship is more strained or the mother has a more critical view of her son or men in general, the son often internalizes these attitudes toward himself. In addition, if he had a father who seemed weak-willed, emotionally vacant/distant, or too critical and punishing, or if he had no father figure at all, he may struggle with his own identity and the concept or expectations surrounding masculinity.  

  While I’m not personally advocating or even identifying certain characteristics as “masculine” or “feminine,” most people are being raised or have been raised in homes with limiting, even hurtful attitudes or expectations surrounding their gender.  The distorted views of masculinity that some of the men I’ve worked with were exposed to as young boys left them feeling suspicious of the masculine. Some described adopting their mother’s fear or distrust of men or taking on the guilt of their father’s absence. Many described feeling either guilty or ashamed of their maleness, or on the flip side, thinking they had to constantly prove themselves and become workaholic providers.  As a result, they grew up struggling with their personal identity as a man.  

As adults, most of these men possess important traits of sensitivity and attunement to others, but they lack gumption when it comes to expressing themselves. They’re hesitant or unwilling to be bold or take initiative. They may date people who are more controlling or seek direction from their partner or spouse, even when she or he isn’t trying to take the reins. These men often struggle with connecting to their own convictions or their anger, and they find it especially challenging to express their point of view directly.

The work in therapy, for these men ,has been for them to find their way in their relationships. They have to identify ways they may put themselves down or keep themselves “in their place.” They should explore any negative or distorted associations they have around the concept of “masculinity.” They need to determine for themselves what it means to be who they really are — to feel strong and self-possessed, sensitive and attuned — both toward themselves and toward those close to them.

For me, it was a combination of men’s groups, therapy, male mentors, and my male friendships that helped me come to feel more comfortable and confident as a man. It is from this place that one can experience all that that embodies: being able to access one’s natural wildness, openness to adventure, the capacity for serious focus, the ability to recognize and express the full range of feelings, sensitivity to others, knowing and expressing one’s wants, and saying “no” when one feels like it.

  from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2t2v8Te via theshiningmind.com