#fixation and whatnot. .. i just keep wanting to make stuff and talk about it a little too much SLKDGJSLKGSDG so imma chill

[whatthefuckisasweep]

RAAAHGG. . . . you know when you have the urge to make shit, to do shit, to do SOMETHING but its like. what even is it. and you try all the things under the sun . AND everything sounds not quite right and everything you do is not exactly satisfying and you're kinda frustrated and sad about it... cuz like you're doing what you WANT to do IN THEORY but also its just not the RIGHT THING RIGHT NOW . and you also should probably talk to ppl but ALSO you dont want 2 talk to just anyone. . BUT YOURE ALSO LIKE . I WANT HUMAN CONNECTION. . . ..???!?!?!1 1 1!!!??!?! BUT ONLY IN THIS SPECIFIC WAY!>!?!?

. cuz that iss sooo not me right now. actulaly im so content and conventional and my brain chemicals are balanced and i have gotten enough sleep and i have normal hobbies where i interact with people regularly and very standardly. btw. so sucks if thats u

[leannan-sithe]

I’m wondering where I can learn about like, godspouse courtship processes, marriage rituals, what might be required of each sides in a marriage/relationship, etcetera. Details like that. I get its individual to each Deity or spirit/entity and each relationship, but like, I’m trying to find specific examples.

To be clear, I get that this is a very personal thing, I don’t blame the sources I’ve found for not going in depth. I’m not currently trying to get into a relationship with a Deity or other entity, and I don’t think I’m receiving interest. I just keep getting fixated on this. For some reason I keep ending up down rabbit holes searching, wanting concrete examples, as if I do have a relationship to figure out, even though I don’t. Sorry, if that’s weird. I was just wondering if you had resources that could help.

Yeah! I understand the drive to learn more. If you ever find yourself wanting to engage with the practice with a specific entity, send me a DM and we'll chat.

(You can also DM me to talk in general, I don't mind that, and I don't post callout posts unless it's like the person who dated the ghosts of serial killers and was super racist. Community-level threats get @'d, not randoms with opinions I don't agree with.)

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but there aren't godspouse courting processes or specific rituals, nor are there requirements. I can give specific examples (and I will) but there's not... anything set in stone. Sorry.

I'm going to fictionalize and slightly dramatize some stories of people I know, with changed names and details.

You worshipped Cernunnos for years, getting into the practice because they reminded you of your childhood fascination with the woods and wilderness and learning about how to build shelters and traps and stuff. It started when you were 17 and were a "baby pagan," just learning about how worship and spirituality might look to you. You grew up in a Christian household, so you just don't know what to think or do. You make a habit of talking at Cernunnos over time, then when you get into spirit work, you start to get communication back (in signs, divination, dreams, etc). You joke and laugh and do things with Cernunnos, having fun with your godly buddy. One day, you're chatting with a friend who brings up godspousing, talking about specific things like dating or flirting. You make a joke about how "if that's godspousing, then you've been godspousing for at least a year." Your friend internet-looks at you blankly. Oh, shit. You've been doing godspousing for at least a year. The next divination you do is effectively a smug look from Cernunnos and a request for a "real date". Have you been dense enough to not notice they were FLIRTING flirting with you?

You're a Hellenic polytheist and you have a broad group of deities you work with in various capacities. You're fond of Hera and Aphrodite in particular, but you leave out offerings and whatnot when you want to appreciate the other deities. Or ask for their help in matters. You've been doing this for 10 years, it seems like. Since you were a preteen, and now you're an adult. You've been seeing a lot of things lately, the same sort of symbols. Lets say it's a specific fruit or color. That symbol has been popping up everywhere. What's going on? You mull on it for a few months until someone gifts you one of those fruits out of nowhere. Confused, befuddled, you leave the fruit on your altar for Hera to have. Over the next week you get these feelings that something is wrong, and you ask a friend to do divination for you -- your cards aren't doing shit for answers. The friend says there's a goddess that wants your attention. What? The friend also says that Hera is annoyed at you. You spend the next week pulling cards, looking into mirrors, analyzing your dreams before realizing she didn't like something on the altar. The fruit, maybe? The mystery goddess comes to mind randomly. You look the fruit up and-- of course it's Persephone, why wouldn't it be Persephone. You spend the next two years adding her to your roster of godly friends, until she starts dropping signs in your lap like mad. Daily, even. It takes another 6 months to figure out that she wants to *date* you. What. Why. How. You're wracked with worry about hubris and guilt, before you finally give in and join a godspousing group at your friend's recommendation. It takes you another 3 months to actually ask Persephone on a date. You do dates, shift her to central in your worship schedule, and.... just in case, you double check with Hades via divination that it's cool. (It is. He gives his blessing.) After a year of dating her, you start getting ring imagery everywhere. Repeatedly. She's proposing. You panic for another few months before writing out marriage oaths -- no one in the GSing community ever gives their vows/oaths verbiage in full as examples to others, it's a personal, sometimes sacred thing that we're all a little embarrassed about, you just gotta wing it -- and while you're practicing, Persephone pops in your mind and says "I do". Wait, no, that was. That wasn't the real one. She sends you mental images of putting rings on fingers. You spend a few weeks discussing it with her (and panicking) because you don't quite understand if it was legitimate or not, and it hurts your feelings a little that she just did it while you were practicing, but you come to the decision that you actually do like the idea of being formally married to her. So you decide it's the for real one.

You're in your early twenties, you decide your life is a bit boring so you decide to get into divination, specifically tarot. One of your dumbass woowoo friends you had a crush on was into them, and you kind of liked the art. In learning about tarot, you learn about witchcraft and crystals and stuff. Okay, sure. You'll do that. In a year, you're googling plant correspondences on tumblr whenever you cook a recipe. You always make your coffee with intention. But it still doesn't feel fine? Something was missing. You get into the wiccan side of tumblr witchcraft, and start adding deities into your lineup, making altars and worshipping any one of them that strikes your fancy. It costs a bit of money but it's worth feeling like you're doing something right. Eventually that gets boring for you and you sort of move on to other things. A few years later you get back into the woowoo stuff, and start thinking about the deities again. You feel a little guilty but don't get any closure about those worship relationships. It feels awkward. You swerve back into divination, choosing to pick up runes instead. You learn about how Odin is weird and masculine and can be evil. Whatever, you just want the runes. A few months in, someone questions an offhand remark you make about Odin being bad. You get corrected, learn a bit more about him, and... he sounds cool? You've known about the concept of godspousing for a while now, but you're a little leery about the whole worship thing, especially since it didn't work out last time. You approach Odin but you're CLEAR you don't want a relationship like a godspouse. You work with him for a few months. He shows up in your dreams as a variety of characters, you start to associate him with certain tv shows and watch those to bond. You started out fearing him a bit and worshipping him in a very rigid way, designing your own prayers and protocols, but now he's just the weird dude that watches Warehouse 13 with you and calls dibs on half your nachos when you make them. (You eat them anyways.) Eventually, you have a dream in which he kisses you. Um. Okay. No. You ignore it. You don't say anything to him, you just pretend it never happened. It happens again. This time, you sit down and have a conversation. You weren't interested in dating him. He's interested in dating you. ....... Well, maybe you're interested in dating him now. After all, he's not the terrifying figure you thought he was. You set a date in 6 months upon which you'll give him an answer, and tell him you expect him to behave until then and any misbehavior means you're booting him out of your life. He does behave, but another of your gods has to kick him in the ass for toeing the line. In 6 months, you tell him that you can date, and you set a bunch of rules out. No showing me imagery of the ocean or deep water, you have a phobia. No bothering me at work. Don't send me sexual stuff unless I ask for it. He reluctantly follows through but he does have to be reminded. Eventually, you dating Odin is just. The thing that you're doing. You don't really want to label it. It gives you some amazing sex dreams and weird fantasies that you're embarrassed about, but there's a lot of people who think about Odin that way online, yeah?

I genuinely don't know what information I can give you, but again, feel free to DM. Hope these were entertaining at least.

[angeloferidia]

༄Nico’s introduction!彡✧

Thought since I’ve been posting more and gaining some followers, that it’s time I make an introduction post!

𓆩About me (pt. 1)!𓆪

Hello! My name’s Nico, I also go by Neeks! I use they/he pronouns, and identify as gnc tmasc unlabeled. I’m a lightskin afro latino (puerto rican). I am autistic, ADHD (severe), BPD, C-PTSD, and have major depressive disorder. I am very cool and funny.

𓆩About my account!𓆪

With all that out of the way, hi! I’m a writer/artist that also likes to shitpost and make content of my interests. For more stuff about me and my byf/dni, please read my straw!

𖦹Posting...

✧Most of the time, I post about my hyperfixations, so you’ll mostly see stuff around that on my account. My hyperfixations tend to rotate in a random cycle, so often I’ll be fixated on one for a while, then fixated on another.

✧I don’t have a schedule for when I post, nor do I plan on making one. I don’t post very often due to indulging in my hyperfixations, lack of motivation, loss of interests, and procrastination. My sleep schedule gets fucked up from time to time due to insomnia, so my posting hours may vary.

✧Most of my posts will be in english, as I’m not fully fluent in spanish (no sabo kid fr... f u mom why didn’t you teach me spanish). I can hold a good amount of conversations in spanish, but I’m not entirely fluent. I can understand portuguese to a limited level because I know some spanish, but that’s about it for my skills in linguistics

✧I post NSFW every now and then. (I always put CW beforehand)

𓆩About me (pt. 2)!𓆪

This part will be going over my interests and whatnot!

𖦹Special interests...

✧My OCs, writing, drawing, roleplaying, Tomodachi Life, Papa Louie, fantasy genre.

𖦹Hyperfixations...

✧TOUCHSTARVED, Identity V, Genshin Impact, The Spider-verse saga (ITSV/ATSV), Cookie Run (Ovenbreak + Kingdom), Papa Louie, Bungou Stray Dogs, Splatoon, 8:11, Project Sekai, Dandy’s World, Forsaken, Limbus Company.

𖦹Faves...

✧Kuras (<333), TOUCHSTARVED, Miles Morales, Golden Cheese Cookie, Don Quixote, Nagito Komaeda, Luca Balsa, Yui Hirasawa, Leander, Mhin, Papa Louie games, Tomodachi Life.

𖦹Media interests...

✧Persona series, Chainsaw Man, JJK, Madoka Magica, Dungeon Meshi, Lucky Star, Azumanga Daioh, Nana, Alice in Borderland (live adaptation), Squid Game, Riordianverse, QSMP, B99, Ace Attorney, Danganronpa, Regretavator, Project Moon, Dead Plate, Alien Stage, Shameless, r1999

𖦹Interests...

✧Literature, drawing, analog horror, psychological horrors, thrillers, psychology, baking, emo culture, scene culture, goth culture, vkei, greek mythology, flower symbolism.

𓆩BYI/DNI𓆪

𖦹BYI...

✧Idgaf about spam liking, although it does startle me a little. Like my posts all you want, I appreciate it greatly when people like my content and leave comments! It encourages me to keep posting!!! But please, at least consider following me if you’re gonna like all my posts (/nf).

✧ I need tone tags every now and then, I reclaim slurs, I use humor as a coping mechanism, I do talk about my experiences in mental hospitals and past attempts, I talk about recreational dr-g usage, I’m not very good with socializing or communication, I tend to get anxious posting publicly and interacting with others online. My reply time isn’t the best. I’m autistic and tend to be slow at understanding/processing things, please be patient when interacting with me (or I will cry /hj).

𖦹DNI...

✧Basic crit, proship, 13-, 23+, exclus, partake in discourse, hate any of my interests, Dream stans, toxic people or self proclaimed “haters”. I’ll also just block you if you’re weird or make me uncomfortable.

And that’s a wrap. I’ll make a masterguide and Q&A box rules post in the future. Thanks for reading!!! <333

[caelumsnuff]

I know guy’s not everyone cup of tea but maybe let’s all try to understand Erik’s probably dealing with stuff or busy with his real life. In the last podcast episode he mentioned he got his wisdom teeth out and was still dealing with a lot of pain while talking. Maybe Guy was all he could get out. Big lore stuff talks a lot of talking and time he may not have had. We all know YouTubes algorithm isn’t kind when people stop posting for a while and I’m sure Erik is well aware of that too. He had to get something out to keep up with it. I say this as someone who also deeply wants some lore or to hear from characters we haven’t seen in a while. Erik’s just been having a rough go of it and might need to make some simpler stuff like guy or Ollie so YouTube doesn’t crush the channel ya know? I understand frothing at the mouth for the big stuff trust me (I would do criminal acts to hear from Vega again) but Erik’s also a person with other stuff going on all while trying to work with a broken shitty algorithm that is constantly against content creators. I know it’s frustrating but I really do think there’s reasons for it.

i did not know about the tooth thing, so thanks for telling me.

I do think it's important for me to note that even when i am critiquing the videos themselves and the content in them, no malice is directed towards Erik. Sometimes I really am just complaining to complain on my blog on which i complain. Not everyone likes Guy, but a lot people do and if it's the case that Erik needed to make and upload something easy then so be it.

I will still remain questioning why he has fixated on Guy so much, but its more of a question in regards to what he does (or more accurately: doesnt) do for the story. I think there's reason behind the things he does or doesnt do, even if him choosing Guy is perhaps because his videos are more popular (i do not know for sure, i havent checked. Feel free to fact check this for me. or not), or just to have some semi normal bf rpasmr stuff on his channel.

Either way i wasn't really judging or critiquing Erik himself because of my dislike for Guy, moreso for my longstanding want to see more plot relevant videos or characters that predates just this recent video. I was complaining publicly bc i dislike Guy, but it wasn't an issue that was brought about because of him, it was just circumstantial to my complaining.

I know i have expressed general dislike for Erik's personality and whatnot on this blog, but it manifests more in apathetic feelings towards him. I don't feel any strong way, but i do still wish to treat him as i would a stranger. I am not actually angry at him for uploading or making videos i do not like, a lot of the things i say on this blog are melodramatic.

I do appreciate this ask. though i don't think i was necessarily forgetting the fact that Erik is Just Some Guy, it was nonetheless a reminder. I'm going to continue to talk about how i don't like Guy and how i want other things on the channel, but it's more a general complaint instead of something directed at Erik himself.

[fleuramoureuxx]

[1] life lately 𐙚˙✧˖°📷 ༘ ⋆｡ ˚

okay…where to begin?

I haven’t updated much…like so much. But I’ve been well, so well really. How am I? Well, I am good, life is good and peaceful. I’m now currently in my second year in college and my, I’ve changed a lot. Like a LOT-LOT.

I wanna first talk about how’s my school life, and it’s pretty good to be honest, I was able to catch up to so many lessons and activities, I’ve been getting decent grades, and I am a secretary to our org, EMCSS. It’s a student society within our department and honestly, I was so nervous meeting the other members, (they intimidate me a lot) (˶˃ ᵕ ˂˶) .ᐟ.ᐟ

Nevertheless, they are really friendly, which I look forward too, and I get to meet new friends and acquintances! ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧ ~

Wait…did I also mention that I am also part of our Department’s Student Council? (๑>؂•̀๑) yup!! I am part of our Council’s Executive Committees. I haven’t met them since, all of us have hectic schedules but the idea of meeting them already makes me so nervous (˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )

But I can’t let that get through my head, right? Or so, I thought…

Over the summer, I opened up to my mom about how I am dealing with these panic attacks and whatnot. And I am really thankful for how open she is. So, we did what we had to do, consult a doctor. I can’t fully discuss what we talked about because of doctor-patient confidentiality, but I’ll give you a vague context.

So basically, I am in the spectrum of ADHD. This explains the anxiety, panic attacks, hyper-fixations, why I get so easily distracted, and why I am obsessed with cleaning and organizing stuff. My doctor walked my mom and me through it, saying stuff about how many changes we should make, and how my mom and my sisters would adjust to it blah blah blah ~ ∘ ∘ ∘ ( °ヮ° )?

At first. it was hard because I kept thinking that something was wrong with me or I would never overcome this new information, but with the guidance of my mom and her sisters, I was able to pull myself together. (Also, this explains why I like being alone, lots of things trigger my panic attacks ( • ᴖ • ｡) )

But enough about that (づ ̄ ³ ̄)づ

I also wanted to say I opened a new instagram account, it’s called amoureuxx’s diary. I post short reels about my daily dally do~ and it helps me to keep busy, which I like it very much. (๑´>᎑<)~*

And I’ve been hanging a lot with my friends, (online and in real life) and to be honest, it is so refreshing being with them. So yeah, I guess this is my life recently~ ( ˶ˆ꒳ˆ˵ )

Though, I am really sorry for not being able to post so much, (ADHD IS CONTROLLING ME ( • ̀ω•́ )✧ ) but, I do promise I will post as much as I can.

Anyways, here’s a a song of the day

It’s Kiss Me by Matt Maltese! I honestly love the cover of this song, it just gives me that soft pink girl vibes! I hope you guys like this song (づ ᴗ _ᴗ)づ♡

[iguana-braces]

Top Gun Star Trek AU Headcannons

Okay here are some of my ideas for the Top Gun Star Trek AU, in my own opinion based mostly on the Kelvin Timeline and my childhood memories of TOS and TNG (Haven’t seen Discovery, Lower Decks, or Picard yet, I’m bad watching things in a timely manner)

After being a Captain for a while, then working his way up through the ranks, Ice would be one of the Admirals (i.e Pike in the Kelvin timeline) who continues to bend the rules to let Maverick and the gang do whatever they want

I think Maverick and Goose would have a very Kirk/Bones relationship (original series and Kelvin timeline tbh) in their youth, Maverick as the bold first officer/captain and Goose holding a majority share of their one brain cell as a medical or science officer

Rooster is also very Kelvin!Kirk Coded (dead dad, trying to prove himself, etc) but he’s also more cautious than overtly cocky, so I’m thinking maybe he’d be a first officer (maybe he’d be Mav’s first officer!!!!)

OMG the hijinks they’d get into 

I’m thinking they’d be on an exploratory ship, a 5-year mission and whatnot, discovering new shit, getting into trouble, etc. 

Also, with the hair and the tan, Rooster would look so good in those little blue suits from Enterprise

I’m talking about these bad boys

Okay so Hangman is definitely Kelvin!Kirk Coded for the exact opposite reasons as Rooster. He’s cocky, he has an Ego, he can’t keep his mouth shut for his own good. He’d want his own ship ASAP. 

I think he’d be more likely on a military ship, rather than doing the whole *science, exploration* thing, but “Boldly going where no man has gone before” does have a nice ring to it. But Hangman would FUCK with something like the USS Vengance from Into Darkness (2013) (it’s the biggest, it’s the baddest, it’ll kill you dead)

And Bob is definitely Chekov Coded (pour one out for Anton Yelchin my love). He’d be either science or weapons, something techie that makes you think “Wow what a nerd” and he’s so overlooked, but he actually does really cool badass stuff sometimes and then you’re like “.... Is it suddenly really hot in here or is it just me?”

I’m gonna be late for work now so I’ll add more for everyone else later but I hope you enjoy my new micro-fixation!

[bigskydreaming]

Please just know that literally NOBODY wants me to shut up about my life situation and just talk fandom shit and original projects and inane jokes, like, more than I do. I promise you my offline life bullshit is not my entire personality, I do not depend or rely on it to get people to like me or feel bad for me, I actually have a hell of a lot going on for me personality wise, creativity wise, humor wise, like people liked me before this shit fucked up my life. I have every confidence I can continue to have people liking me AFTER I’m done talking about it every damn day.

So I promise you, I PROMISE you, no matter how annoyed or tired you get by seeing me post or reblog stuff like my donation posts, nobody wants that shit gone and off my dash MORE. THAN. ME.

But as much as I want to like....never have to talk about all that or reblog stuff about it ever again, I ALSO want to like....not have to exist in the state I currently exist in because of it, because that shit is literally unsustainable. I have been sustaining it as best I can for over five years, and that’s just my physical circumstances. We have to go back to like, when I was five, if we’re talking about the full trauma bingo sheet and all kinds of stuff that I was only FINALLY getting a handle on and moving forward from like....idk maybe ten years ago, before the physical legacy of one of those previous traumas decided to be like HAY BITCH IM BACK. I am tired. Energy and optimism and stubbornness are not infinitely renewing resources. I don’t need perkiness or spunk, I need CHANGE, and I have changed literally everything I can about my circumstances day by day by day just from things I can do myself, with my own person, in my own home, and one of those things I do to attempt to change these circumstances and make them a thing I banish from conversation and never have to talk about again....is in the MEANWHILE....these posts where I talk about them and ask for money and shit.

Thus these two things are in direct conflict. My desire not to fixate on my circumstances, blog about them, make so much of my life both offline and online like, revolve around them....

And my desire to CHANGE my circumstances, so that so much of my life does not revolve around them and I can devote myself and the considerable amount of things I DO have going for me.....to other pursuits than just keeping my head above water and trying my best to stay afloat.

So its like.....please understand that me shutting up about my circumstances? Does nothing, and CAN do nothing to actually change them, and thus in the long run get me more capable of devoting myself and my creativity and whatnot to other pursuits that actually are of interest and enjoyment to other people as well as myself.

Me posting shit about my circumstances and donation posts, even when they don’t get a ton of traction, is at least my ATTEMPT to change things, so I can do all that.

And when in doubt, like, I’m always gonna go with the action/choice that at least has the POTENTIAL to change things, rather than just silently stew so that others can be more comfortable. Sorry not sorry, but I value my own comfort even if I do also want to not detract from others’ comfort or enjoyment, and like.....nothing about me not shutting up about my circumstances in the hopes of changing them is done to like, spite other people or make them uncomfortable. Its literally just so that....things change for me so that I can change things about my own output, interactions, etc. 

[calciferstims]

honestly, im gonna watch them, the lotr films, no matter how many pauses i take, its going to be BLOODY WATCHED!! loool, im determined!

haha not mocking you but the "cyborg octopus man" had me chuckling, sounds funny. but yea basically that is what he is. i remember when i first saw him in the movie i was thinking he looking kinda hella mad interesting.

what are some of your favourite plushies, if you have any? i honestly have so many, like i dont even have room for them all on my bed so i have had to put some away in boxes lol...and yet, i want more haha. one heartbreaking, okay kinda exaggerated but not really, is that i threw away some aaaaaaages ago and every so often im bashing myself for it, really, because some were given when i was a little child, and some of my grandparents, that are no longer with us. makes me sad that i threw them away because i just get in what i call "depression" cleaning, so i dont care about anything and will throw away legit anything. luckily last time i had me mum stop me though, so i didnt throw away a massive amount of books...hate when that happens. idk why tf im blabbering on about that lmfao im sorry.

that gotta have been annoying, wanting to talk a lot about your interests that you are more into than others, i imagine?

i dont really have any, like, interests that i know about, like i have zero information about films, stuff i watch and whatnot lol...whenever someone asks me what something is about that im watching, i just cant explain it lol, im like, i- im watching it but idk how to explain it? lol...

yeah that last portion sounds like hyperfixation/special interest in a nutshell for some lol. sometimes it lasts longer, sometimes it doesnt. whats the longest on-going hyperfixtion you have had?

thanks for your reply mate!

YOU CAN DO IT!! I BELIEVE IN YOU! YOU WATCH THOSE MOVIES!

Listen. What is very important to understand is that I do not like Doc Ock for deep reasons 😌 He is simply a cyborg octopus man and that is very funny! The tentacles are telling him to do crime!! He’s a funny man and I like him! Also I want him to forcibly adopt every version of Peter Parker until they are all his children ok goodnight

I’m really sorry to hear that you lost some of your plushies that way, that sounds like a really difficult problem to deal with :( I highly encourage you to keep having fun getting new stuffies tho, if it’s something that makes you happy! :))

Hm, well I don’t have many stuffies anymore but one of the oldest ones I have that I care about a lot is Wolfy (yes very creative name I was 5 okay) and he’s a grey wolf I got from Build-a-Bear :) He’s permanently dressed in a Star Wars pajama top and firefighter overalls, one arm is stuck bent backwards for some reason, but his heartbeat still works and he’s a huge comfort item for me 🥺 If I get more soon, I really wanna get some cow plushies and maybe some bee plushies!!! The brown cow Squishmallow looks so freaking cute, and there’s so many adorable Jellycat plushies too!

As far as being into things more than others goes: it’s alright really? I have some very lovely friends that are willing to hear me talk about things even if they don’t know it 🥰 I have developed some insecurities around my infodumping, but they’re always there to reassure me and I’m getting better! :)

Hm, well I can’t really remember all my fixations or how long they lasted, so it’s hard to say what was longest.. technically I think my longest is Loki because I went from Original Big Hyperfix - to general continued interest - to the big Loki Hyperfixation Revival of 2021, so that’s definitely stuck around 😂 but you asked for longest ongoing hyperfixation, so I gotta be real honest as to what I think it was.. 😅

The Rocky Horror Picture Show. AND that spawned an equally large Tim Curry hyperfixation. For seven freaking months. 7 months of hell-brain, baby 😔 I try to never shame myself or others for hyperfixations, but I gotta admit, that’s one thing I’m happy to move on from lmao. But hey, if you ever need to know anything about renowned actor Tim Curry and his extensive filmography, I’m your guy 😂

Thank you for your lovely responses as well!

[michellekyura]

Welcome!

Since I’m rebooting this blog entirely, it’s only logical that the first post to make on the cleaned slate is an introduction! I did not at all think about this in advance I am very much doing this on the spot, so this might be bad, but who cares honestly? I don’t! :D

Firstly, about me: I’m known on the net mainly as MichelleKyura, but you can just call me Michelle if you’d prefer. I will not reveal my age but I am currently still a minor so please be aware of that when interacting with me. I go by she/her. I enjoy roleplaying, but my two most notable hobbies are gaming and drawing! That should cover that. Next, things that I’m interested in! Be aware the stuff I post will rotate fairly often because my hyperfixations change a lot and I also don’t post that consistently (I'm working on that lmao) So if I go from posting one thing to something else and then do it again later, that’s kinda why. Basically, if you’re just following me for one thing, uh.... welp don’t expect that to be the only thing you’re getting from me lmao it’s not. I’m going to try and keep things as varied as I can and post whenever I can (used to not post much bc of being nervous and whatnot but I am slowly learning to stop giving a shit and do whatever I want) but you’re definitely gonna see mostly whatever I'm fixated on at the time still.

My current hyperfixation(s)... are on Deresute and Pokemon Conquest! You can expect to primarily see posts about one or several of these things! 

Other series I am interested in include: My Little Pony, Pokemon, Splatoon/Coroika, Stylve Savvy are all special interests; I also like Uma Musume, Total Drama, Mario, Kirby, The Binding Of Isaac, Slime Rancher, Steven Universe, Little Witch Academia, Yo-Kai Watch, WarioWare, Cuphead, Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid, Sushi Pack and others. I may not post much about them but you are free to talk to me about them anytime if you’d like! 

As for tagging, everything I reblog will use a simple #reblog, text posts will contain #kyura speaks, my art will contain #kyuras art, and all other image posts will have #kyuras content. additionally now we will also has a #kyura writes tag for when I share my writing! Then add all the appropriate tags for any characters or fandoms and general tag ramblings, and bam! A post. If you want to sort through my posts by type, that’s how ya gotta do it. I’ll also be updating this occasionally just to make sure everything's up to date so if i decide i feel like being stupid and posting because i have brainrot and need to scream somewhere at least you can maybe be ready for it lmao

I also have a carrd if you want to check that out! https://kobatohru.carrd.co/ You can also find me on Twitter (@samaa_saidaa), Bluesky  (samaasaidaa.bsky.social), and Discord (sola_iris). (Note that I’ll probably only accept friend reqs on Discord if we’ve interacted before elsewhere)

Notes: There may shipping content on this blog time to time so if shipping bothers you I might not recommend following me, and again I swap fixations often so I won’t always be posting the same thing. (I’ll update this post whenever they shift though)

One last note, this is technically not my main. When I first came to Tumblr it was for different purposes and this account was made later on. Reblogs and such will be able to come from this account, but likes, follows, etc won’t. My main blog should just be empty and redirect here now though since this, functionally, has become my main.

So I’m just kinda here to post art, memes, be dumb, find others who might like the same things as me, and have a good time. Hope you have one too.

[stellar-imagines]

SCENARIO REQUEST: ❝unseen.❞

[ Fandom: Boku no Hero Academia ] [ Characters: Todoroki Shouto ]

「Todoroki falls in love with you who has a chaos quirk but what he doesn’t know is that you’re also in love with him.」

TODOROKI SHOUTO

"Doesn't that mean you like her?"

Todoroki had been a bit concerned over the feeling churning inside him whenever he was with you. His heart races when he sees you. He can't lie to himself anymore, there's always this rush of joy spreading all over his body that makes him feel more alive and adds color to his world. Deciding to confide to Midoriya, Uraraka and Iida was a good choice. They made him realize this feeling inside him. He recalled all the times he thought he was feeling odd around and it turned our that he was really just lonely, and want to involve himself with you.

After labeling these feelings of his, he was warned that he would experience other feelings as well. And they were completely right. At times he can and will be selfish. Sometimes he just wants you all to himself and will be envious of anyone that were overly friendly with you. His body gets electrified by your slightest touch and skin contact that it almost scares him. Even so, he craves for it. He's scared of his own feelings, of what if it knows no limit and of losing you one day and ruining the little something right now between you two. 

Todoroki always thought that your quirk was a really strong one, he had seen it in action countless of times and the destructive power it held was beyond what he imagined. So, he expected you to be very stuck up and confident with your powers. But you weren't like that. You were aware of your own weaknesses and you're never afraid to admit it out loud. He's fascinated by how you use your quirk every time. The colors that emit from your palms reminded him fire but it flowed more freely like mist.

He's not the best at making friends because he came off as a bit cold in the beginning so he believes that you think he's a bit scary unfriendly and aloof. Todoroki admits that he wasn't really friendly during his first few months in UA but he is certain that he had changed a lot, everyone says that to you.Just like everyone else in the class, you just warmed up to him without him having to do anything. You were friendly and thoughtful to everyone, always putting others before yourself. He doesn't admire you for your quirk but also for your kind nature.

At the very moment, Class 1-A was having a barbecue party just because. The summer air was cool and crisp in contrast to the heat coming from the grill. Todoroki was standing by the grill, munching on some meat while he kept his gaze on the ingredients sitting atop the grill. He was helping with starting the fire and now that he's done with his job, he was left standing there. The male's gaze traveled to you who's sitting all alone, poking marshmallows through sticks.

"[Last Name]-san."

"Oh, Todoroki-kun. Do you want some roasted marshmallows? I'm about to head over and make them." you waved some of the sticks in front of him. He just gave you a nod and watch as you head over to where the grill was. There were still people crowding the spot, cooking meat and whatnot. Out of kindness, you decided to back down and wait till they were done.

"I guess it can wait." you said out loud, mostly to yourself while making your way back. Todoroki motioned you over with his hand and you carefully slipped past your friends, stopping right in front of the boy who called you over.

"Sorry, Todoroki-kun, they're hogging the barbecue pit so I guess marshmallows would have to wait." you said. He shook his head, seeing how it was something that couldn't be helped.

"It's fine. We can just make it here." he spoke calmly, lifting his left hand. With curiosity evident in your [Eye Color] eyes, you had your gaze on his palm. Ever so slowly, flames began to form. It started small and gradually got into a size that was easy to work with. Your eyes lit up and a joyous gasp escaped your lips, clapping your hands in delight. Whenever it was outside of school, you rarely use your quirks and it actually feels that you're just normal students for once. 

Todoroki liked it. No, he loved seeing that smile on your face. The way your entire face radiated happiness made him smile a bit. You were sitting so close too, so close that he could smell your body wash so strongly.

"Oh! Amazing, Todoroki-kun." you smiled, moving the marshmallows over the fire that was dancing on top of his palm. 

The group standing by the grill were picking up the pieces of cooked meat and sharing them with those who were idly sitting and chatting with one another. Hands occupied by plates of meat, Kirishima set down the plates in front of the girls who thanked him for his hard work. He took a few moments to examine the current situation. The girls were talking about something that he doesn't really understand and that was when he realized that you weren't there. Kirishima then spotted you sitting together with Todoroki, eating roasted marshmallows together.

"I just knew that [Last Name] and Todoroki were that close." he said.

"What an unlikely pair." Asui commented after shifting her attention towards you.

"Well, Todoroki-san has become much friendlier than before and [Last Name] is just nice to anyone. So, I don't see anything odd from this." the one who speaks based on facts and her own observation, Yaoyorozu was able to say such things with ease. While they were talking about things, you and Todoroki approached them with hands full of roasted marshmallows.

"Hey guys! We made some roasted marshmallows, anyone want some?"

Everyone dismissed your closeness with Todoroki, thinking that it was a normal thing and ate the marshmallows you both made.

"Amazing, [First Name]! You can carry a person now!" Uraraka who was floating, clapped her hands excitedly. 

"Uhnn.....Don't talk to me right now, it's gonna ruin my concentration......" you narrowed your eyes at the brunette who was your text subject for today.

Hearing Uraraka calling you made Todoroki turn his attention towards you. There was Midoriya and Iida by your side, watching as you carried Ashido using your quirk. Your ability was an interesting one as you were able to produce reddish, glowing energy in mist-like shapes from your hands. It relies heavily on your concentration and mental strength. To put it simply, it was like telepathy. The bicolored haired male who had finished with his own training decided to join the small group of spectators. He turned to his green-haired friend first as he was the closest. Todoroki opened his mouth to speak but no words came out when he realized that his close friend was to immersed in taking notes.

"What is she trying to do?" Todoroki asked Iida instead.

"[Last Name]-kun is considering performing a feat she had never done before and that is levitating while carrying a few people!" the bespectacled male informed Todoroki. He watched in awe as you slowly lifted yourself up while Ashido was hovering in the air. Your feet left the ground gradually until you were at Ashido' and Uraraka's level.

"Uwah, you did it! If you can carry humans then heavy stuff will be a piece of cake for you!" Ashido said.

"It's a bit hard if you both keep flailing about though. Unlike dead objects, I need more concentration to lift up humans." you smiled tiredly, slowly descending and putting your friend back on their feet. You remained in the air, hovering a few feet above ground level, not too far away from the group. Todoroki examined your expression, you looked exhausted with sweat dripping down your forehead. He noted how your face was a bit pale and to be honest, he feared that you might've overworked yourself.

"You're not done?" Uraraka asked.

"I'm nowhere near done, I still have a lot of training to do.....I need to get stronger―"

"[First Name]-chan/[Last Name]-san!" cries of your name echoed in your ears when you lost hold on yourself and began to fall. They all moved simultaneously but only one of them reacted faster than they did. 

"Nice save, Todoroki!" Ashido sighed in relief, stopping right next to you. Todoroki caught you in his arms and let out a breath that he didn't realize he was holding in.

As soon as your friend rushed in to check your condition, Iida suggested that you rest in the infirmary until lunch. You tried convincing them that you were just fine but Todoroki had cut you off, carrying and whisking you away to the infirmary as your protests fell on deaf ears. He had an arm around your back and his other around the back of your knees. What was he supposed to do? He has carried you without thinking. Now he was walking in the hallway, carrying you like a princess. Not to mention, there were people staring at the two of you.

"Sorry." he apologized. He avoided your gaze, not wanting to see you staring at his red face. Your face was so close and he just wished that the blush on his cheeks would calm down.

"I-Its fine." you mumbled gently, clutching onto his shirt tightly. He took a moment to sneak a peek at you. You had your gaze fixated at anything but him with your cheeks bright red. Just when he thought you weren't looking, you decided to glance at him. And thus, the two of you established eye contact. It lasted a few seconds before the two of you looked away, completely embarrassed.

Seriously, why are you so cute?

Total: 1633 words Published: 11.09.2019

Thank you for requesting! *｡٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و*｡ Are we the odd ones for not being like huge fans of Marvel? I watch some of the movies and all that, I like the story and the characters but not up to the point I obsess over it like I do it with BNHA. ― author Hibiki/Lou

Thank you for requesting! This was a bit rushed and the plot is a bit messed up. It’s written mostly in Todoroki’s point of view[?]. More like from his side. Because we like to use you. We have an announcement to make by the end of the day around (00:00 GMT +8)?― author Natsuki

Please do not mind the grammar mistakes and typos.

[misc-headcanons]

(Commission) OP Matchup: magicalberserk

@magicalberserk​

I'm a 5'3" chubby girl, my hair is black and thick and curly and it used to be short but now I let it grow and it's out of freaking control :p.

My hobbies are pretty artsy, I like to draw/paint, bake, make pots, write poems, I also like to sing and love acting/voice acting. When it comes to genres (of anything) I like intense and/or fantastical stuff: thriller, fantasy, superhero, etc. 

I'm mature, but I have the heart of a child. I LOVE theme parks, sweets, toys, and other fun stuff. But since I'm the eldest of two siblings and had care for them when they were babies, that's where the mature part comes in. Funnily enough I'm not much of a mom figure, more of a wine aunt. 

I'm extremely loyal and affectionate as both a friend and lover, and would do anything for them. I'm introverted by nature but sometimes I randomly need a hug or someone to play a game with me. I don't always want to talk and I like to be in comfortable silence with someone, but I get really passionate and fixated on my interests and ramble for hours about them, but that's only when you're close enough because otherwise I'm too scared of boring you with what I'm thinking about.

I match you with...Ace!

You and Ace have some important things in common, imo. He and Sabo were both older than Luffy, and I think that Ace was the one with "eldest brother" status. He's not really a dad figure in the same way you're not really a mom figure; you two are more like the chill-yet-chaotic aunt and uncle combo. You're both mature, but you have a fun/childlike streak. Ace didn't have the chance to enjoy things like theme parks and whatnot while growing up with Dadan, so he'd love to take you on a date to a place like Sabaody Park! He loves spicy things, but he's got a sweet tooth too. Whenever you want marshmallows, he insists on being the one to roast them with his DF. 

Ace really needs a partner who's loyal and affectionate, especially after he tells them about his father and his self-loathing. There may be times where he hates himself because of how kind you are towards him. He feels like he doesn't deserve love sometimes, especially from someone as kind as you. He likes those moments of comfortable silence together, where the two of you can just be. His life's full of adventure and danger, and having a more introverted partner means he's usually the extroverted one whenever you're out together. Still, he appreciates those quiet moments where it's just the two of you, OR whenever you're talking passionately about one of your interests and he can just enjoy listening to you talk with so much excitement.

Ace loves listening to you sing and looking at your art and poems. He can't believe he's with someone that's so talented! If you ever wrote/sung/drew something for or about him, he'd be so flustered and happy and would keep everything you've made in a little safe in his room.

[jeonghansnosescrunch]

Usage of oppa, noona, unnie, and hyung on my blog

I just wanna make a quick psa because I got an ask involving this! 

But also, to the anon who asked this: Please don’t feel bad in the slightest. Please keep sending stuff in, I love talking to you and in no way harbor any negative feelings towards you whatsoever about this. It’s just a personal preference thing of mine

I would sincerely prefer to not use these words on my blog. 

We’re speaking in English, and these aren’t words people use in English. Even if you took a sentence from Korean that had one of these words, you wouldn’t leave it in, you would probably change it to that person’s name or drop it entirely. So it feels weird to me to keep it in dialogue and whatnot, because the rest of my dialogue and discussions are in English, so why would I use these words.

These words are so often hyper sexualized by people who don’t speak Korean, and I don’t want to add to that in any way, especially considering that this is a smut blog

For things like noona kinks or something, as far as I’m aware that’s the same as a mommy kink? If it’s not, we can revisit that, but I’m pretty sure it is. And like, when I say someone has a daddy kink and would call their partner that, I’m not saying I think the person actually uses the word “daddy,” but that’s an English translation of whatever that dirty talk is in Korean. I don’t speak Korean, I wouldn’t know.

Also like, on a slightly more personal level it makes me super uncomfortable. I’m not Korean at all (a lot of people think I am just because my last name is Lee, but I’m not). I’m half black and half white. My boyfriend is Korean American. And people, like who we don’t know, have jokingly been like, “oh I bet she calls him oppa.” It makes me uncomfortable as a bystander, but I also know that it makes him really uncomfortable and feels like a fixation on and a sexualization of his culture. I’m not saying every Korean person feels that way, because obviously that’s not true. Different people feel differently, and I’m sure there are people who view it as an appreciation of culture. 

So yeah. For things like noona, oppa, unnie, and hyung kinks, I’m just gonna take that to mean mommy or daddy kinks.

I’m sorry if you guys disagree. I’m not trying to call anyone out or police how people write/read/talk about stuff. That’s all totally up to you! It’s just not how I want to have these discussions.

[hilli98215]

Announcements, News, and an Update

If you’re new here, welcome. If not, well hello and how are you? I’m hoping good as a lot has happened to myself for the past several days.

Anyway, this will stay a pinned post until further notice. 

Please click the ‘Keep Reading’ tab as this is a long post.

If you notice a lot of Cats the Musical content coming to this blog, that is because I am in the process of transferring some of my original content to my main blog. (The original pinned post has been removed but the rest of this post still stands)

I also want to make this clear. My blog has transformed since it was created back in 2015 when I was into Hetalia and other anime. Then it became a Fairy Tail blog. Then it just became a way to share and reblog what I like such as Disney and Video Games. I then used it as a way to share and build my writing skills. It was all about having fun. As stated in my previous pinned post , that once again changed when I got into the Cats Musical fandom and created a side blog for that specific content. Stuff happened and here we are.

I had to stop using Tumblr once I graduated College and well... life happened. I got a job, and became an adult. I entered a new part of my life. Tumblr was put on the back burner. 

I then understood why I stayed out of specific fandoms in the first place. 

We come to Tumblr to experience a community where we our interests matter. Society itself sometimes take these interests and call us the weirdos, nerds, and geeks. We are all different ages, genders, ethnicity, religions, and more. Tumblr became a much tolerable place over the years too. (Though I think that has to do with the porn purge from a few years ago....) I actually remember being told that my hyper focused interests meant nothing. That was a terrible time.

Anyway, as time has moved on, I learned a lot from growing up and becoming an adult. I actually expected that in a relatively small fandom where most of the participants were either above the age of 20 or in college/university, there would be a sense of maturity as well as this would be a learning tool for the younger members on how to act on the internet.

But in retrospect, I was wrong wayyyyyy wrong. Nothing compares to what happened and I chose to remove myself from that environment.  

On the plus side, I did create a new side blog which will feature my experience as a young teacher as well as my journey to become a certified teacher. When looking for this type of blog on Tumblr, I really couldn’t find any so I decided to make one. Right now it has nothing but a name but it should be ready in a few days with a new post detailing what it will contain.  If you want to go ahead and follow it, it is @education-teachers-and-whatnot If you want to follow my book Tumblr it is @ravenclaw-booknook95 It’s where I usually post anything literature related as well as writing

The following bold section is new content for this post and was a difficult decision to make. I know in an earlier version of this post, I stated that I would be deleting my Cats the Musical side blog. However, after talking to some of those who were involved (as well as a few others) and thinking about what they said have made me really think about why I made that blog in the first place. One of them said something which resonated with me. I created this side blog because I got hyper fixated on a musical a lot of people don’t like. It’s all up to me as a person to make my experience in this fandom my own. I have that power to block those people who either perpetuate or encourage drama based on their views of how a fandom should be handled. I think I forgot about that power and got drawn into that drama I so desperately didn’t want to be involved in. That post still bothers me and I will never stop feeling the regret I felt when I reblogged it. I feel like I betrayed those who made my experience in that fandom a positive one. Especially since I was new to that specific fandom. Like I failed them in a way that should never happen. However, I did make a choice. I chose to remove myself from that environment for a couple of weeks (the most I did was like posts from that fandom) and noticed that my experience was better than it was before. I put the power back into my hands. I am consuming media in this fandom that I like and once again taking back that power that I lost once I reblogged that damn post.

I will still be moving my Cats 2019 analysis posts to my main but will reinstate the tabs that has those posts on this side blog in case I do decide to delete it in the future. So, if you follow me on both, be prepared to see those posts on both blogs.

I understand this may seem hypocrititive since I posted that I would delete the blog. But I want to make this clear. This is a drama free blog. This is a blog that I want everyone to enjoy. My DM and asks for both this and my main are always open if anyone wants to talk or if you have any concerns.

[rhapsody-under-pressure]

Moonlight Magic pt 7

“You two doing okay? I haven’t seen either of you two sit near each other for over a week!”

As soon as Roger asked the question, his lip curled up into a sneer. He took a vicious bite out of the red apple in his hand, scoffing a second later in response. Even with a week passing, he didn’t dare speak to Freddie until he wanted to apologise; it wasn’t like he hadn’t tried either, he had done so multiple times in the past week but Freddie just wouldn’t accept any form of talk with him. Freddie would gladly go speak to John or Roger, but as soon as he appeared, he either silenced himself or straight up left the room altogether. Of course it didn’t surprise him, he’d done this plenty of times in the past, often over petty little reasons too, but never did they occur so close to the moon. The mere thought of Freddie trying to get through the night by himself terrified him and yet, he couldn’t help but let his current contempt corrupt his thoughts. Let him go try it, see how hard it is by himself! Was a recurring thought over the past two days; with the day now upon them, however, he couldn’t help but let it start to worry him that it would indeed become true.

“Splendid! Absolutely peachy!” Brian exclaimed, taking another chunk out of his apple, the idea now not even bothering him while his anger simmered once more. “Lousy bastard can’t admit he’s wrong for the life of him! Always tries to be the mediator with shit like this when he’s almost always the cause!” He continued, tossing the apple core to the ground. “God and then he pulls this silent treatment with me instead of just talking.”

“It’s Fred. What, is he pissed about someone meddling with his clothes? Or did someone claim dogs were better?” Roger asked, laughing at his own suggestions right after.

Despite his instant panic at the true answer, Brian just shrugged it off, only revealing a sliver of the truth. “I wish I knew! I try to help him out with so much but then he barks at me for being too involved. He’s needy as all hell though and God forbid if I’m not there when he needs me.”

“Bah, give ‘im time, Bri.” Roger answered. “Probably just pissy again cause of exams coming up and whatnot. I mean I don’t even see him eat now and the guy looks like he hasn’t seen the sun in a year! Though, a few other sixth years look like that too and to be honest, I can see why. Fifth years are still worse; good lord have you seen some of them? Those O.W.Ls are scaring them shitless!” He said.

“Don’t act like you’re not nervous either.” Brian added.

“Trust me, I’m in a similar boat as them all.” Fear started to light up his face. “I mean, my whole life is basically riding on how well I do on these tests and I can’t fathom failing any of them. I’ve already seen big old Ts haunting me in my dreams.” He bit down on his bottom lip before finishing. “I guess we’ll just have to see! Bet they’re all just hyping up how hard they are so that we study more.”

Brian only scoffed, knowing full well that Roger had a lot in store if he wanted to believe that tripe. With the bell ringing, the two parted ways. Roger was dashing off towards his class, whatever exactly it was, he didn’t know; for now he headed off towards his defense class, wondering what “surprises” Jenk had in store for them. Perhaps more spells he’d learned already so that he could keep Freddie’s ass safe or some more useless facts he’d memorised the prior year to make sure they wouldn’t fall behind in any of their classes. Amazing, absolutely amazing how much time he’d put into keeping this thing a secret and what did he get in repayment? Nothing, just him being an absolute prick towards him. What he wouldn’t give to hear him say that he was sorry, sorry for what he’d said and done over the past few years and that he would just stop acting like a complete child over something this serious.

He growled as he marched down the hall, ignoring the other students who wanted to get in his way-did these kids not know what speed was-and shoved them off when necessary, earning a few nasty stares from some of the younger years. The door to his class was already open, Jenk’s hard stare meeting his for a quick second before parting. Without hesitation, he laid his work down on his desk and sat in the back, not wanting to be up front and deal with the same stuff over and over again.

As expected, it was the same old stuff again. Jenk went on about various spells: disarming and stunning (something he’d learned back in his fifth year), when to use them (something that should just be common sense), and a quick recap of dementors (a creature he knew plenty about). He mentioned how they’d start working on patroni next class after acquiring a boggart to practice with them, mentioning how Dumbledore had given him the idea. That was the only interesting part of the class and made him perk up, something he seemed to share with much of the class. Jenk smiled warmly, knowing that this was one of the surefire ways to get teenagers’ attention: dangerous activities that might kill them. After that quick announcement, he went over the creature even more so, repeating facts and attacks that Brian already knew, killing the little bit of attention that he had for those few seconds.

Despite every attempt he made, he couldn’t get his mind off of a mock argument in his mind. Constant possible retorts to anything Freddie might say continued to pop up as the class continued on. God couldn’t he just not think about him for once? Maybe then he’d actually get to pay attention, even if it was stuff he’d learned already; anything was more interesting at this point, even if that meant watching a plant grow in herbology. Brian had put up with this for years, shouldn’t he be bored of this? Revising the usual events that would have to go on tomorrow night, if he even wanted to go help out that ungrateful little brat, and then having to deal with John-John...His eyes widened at the thought. It wasn’t the same thing, they had John to deal with. The little fourth year had no idea what it was like and was probably as anxious as Freddie was, though in all the wrong ways; he must be bustling with anticipation to see a werewolf for the first time and completely immune to any fear over what that creature actually did. Brian, in all honesty, couldn’t fathom the idea of being in the same room as another one ever again. Maybe that’s what was keeping him so fixated upon this argument; proving Freddie wrong might mark some kind of change in their relationship and one change often led to another.

“Mr. May, would you like to answer the question?”

Jenk’s booming voice struck him like a tree branch, snapping out of his stupor as both the Ravenclaws and Gryffindors stared at him, awaiting the answer to a question he didn’t know.

“Well?” Jenk asked, “Why are dementors used in Azkaban?”

He took in a deep breath, wracking his brain for a composed answer in the few more seconds of silence that followed. “They’re used there to literally suck the soul out of the prisoners there, ensuring that none would escape due to being left in an empty state. They don’t use the kiss, but they do remove much of the happiness left in the prisoners because if they don’t have any happiness, they’re only left with their worst memories.”

“Very good Mr. May, five points to Ravenclaw.” Jenk said, now returning to the lesson, beaming after getting a well worded answer from one of his students, though Brian knew if any other student had answered the way he had, they would’ve gotten far more than five points. See! There it was again! The fact that all his hard work that he’d put into keeping Freddie safe was now harming the rest of their house. If Jenk didn’t know he was ahead in the class, they could’ve gotten more points and gotten closer to winning the cup! Brian angrily sighed, looking back down at his open book that was probably on the wrong page anyway. Forget it, just forget it. If he wants to believe that he can handle this on his own to prove something to me, fine, let him. He can do whatever the hell he wants and that’s fine.

…

With night now falling, Brian was left completely alone. Both John and Roger were in their perspective houses, unless they’d snuck out to be together in some undisclosed location, and Freddie, as expected, wouldn’t say a word to him. When he’d gone into the dorm, he saw his figure buried beneath his blankets, either fast asleep or pretending to do so. He only scoffed at him, wishing that he had the nerve to whack a pillow across that bastard’s face. In the end, he just grabbed his things and went down the the common room, staring at the purple flames that were brightly lit, curling into little blue wisps that contrasted the golden embers beneath. He just stared and stared, his mind drawing a blank after it going completely nuts earlier.

A soft tapping came from behind him. In the light of the almost full moon sat a rather large owl, a letter sitting in his beak as he continued to tap at the glass with his talons. Brian got up, raising an eyebrow in curiosity as he unlocked the window to let the large bird in.

“Felix!? What’re you doing here?” He asked, seeing his family’s own just ruffle his feathers in response and stick out the letter towards him. Brian took the letter, Felix giving a loud squawk and earning a harsh “SH!” in response.

“Go to the Owlrey, you can go home tomorrow, okay?” Brian asked, Felix seeming to understand enough to fly off, leaving him only with the crackling of both the flames and the envelope.

Brian,

Your father’s fallen ill. The doctors aren’t too sure what it is right now but we want you to come home to be with us just in case something happens. We know how much you care about your studies and we hope that you don’t have much work to worry about at school. Dumbledore knows of the circumstances, we told him with another owl. Let us know as soon as possible.

Mum

A short message, but those dried tear stains told him why it was so abrupt. Brian could only sit down on the floor once more, constantly re-reading the letter until he’d memorised every single word in the message; the weight on his chest was continuing to build with every passing second while his mind rushed with questions. How could they not know what was going on? Was it really that serious? If so, couldn’t they have sent something sooner? No, he couldn’t blame anyone right now. Right now, Brian’s mind was focused on rushing up to Dumbledore’s study.

Before he stepped out of the room, Brian paused, giving a quick glance behind him towards the staircase up to the dormitories. He looked down at the letter, folding it up carefully and sticking it into his pocket next to his wand. As quietly as possible, he walked up the steps and entered his room. Just like before, Freddie was fast asleep, completely immune to his surroundings for the next few hours. In the soft moonlight his skin looked even paler and turned the back of his head silver. Brian clenched his jaw and walked over to his bag, pulling out a sheet of paper and a quill, wetting the tip with his tongue and scribbling out a quick message for Freddie. Without another thought, he laid it on the nightstand and left.

Wasting no time, Brian hurried down the halls towards Dumbledore’s study, dashing up the stairs until he stood in front of the massive gargoyle statue, its golden eyes staring right through his soul. In his frantic state, he could barely think, let alone remember the damned password that he’d put up for him to enter. He rambled off every sweet he could think of, starting with toffee until he ended up at ice pops, wondering what the hell he had put as the password.

“Mr. May?”

A serene voice came from behind him. He turned and saw the headmaster staring at him from behind his half-moon glasses, those piercing blue eyes showing not a bit of anger or wonder. Before Brian could even try to respond, Dumbledore stepped forward, his elegant, maroon robes flowing behind him.

“Bubblegum.” He said, the gargoyle now hopping off its pedestal to let them through.

Where on earth do you get that from? Brian asked, now following the headmaster into his office.

He said nothing to him, he just held out his hand, Brian giving him a confused look for a moment before handing out the letter to him. He gave a quick glance over the letter, a glimmer dancing across his eyes before he tucked it into his robes.

“I understand there’s issues at home. You need not specify anything, your mother gave enough in the letter she gave me.” He said, giving nothing else before walking over to his enormous fireplace. A loud squawk sounded from his right, Brian jumping until he saw Fawkes looking down at him from his perch, now cleaning his wings and completely ignoring his presence. The room turned green, Brian watching the flames lose every shade of red and yellow and glow a brilliant emerald with streaks of white.

“If you need anything you might’ve left here, send an owl.” Dumbledore said, now stepping back to give him time to get in.

“T-thank you sir.” Brian replied, now thankful that his lungs had recovered from his running.

He gave a warm smile, that sight being the last thing before Brian called out his home address before stepping into the flames.

…

“THAT BLOODY BASTARD!”

Shreds of paper laid on the floor as Freddie crushed them beneath his foot, his knuckles going white as he bared his clenched teeth; his face was heating up as every part of him burned with anger. He just left! Left without saying a single word to him and left a note to explain it all! What kind of audacity does someone have to have in order to do that?!

Freddie collapsed onto his bed behind him, his body groaning in pain at the mere act of ripping the letter into little pieces. Yet the anger burned on, trying its best to ignore the stress it was putting onto his already tired body. How could he? How the hell could he? He couldn’t bother to tell him? Hell he could’ve done so much more than leave a little letter that said “Dad’s sick, going home.” That there was such a big help! Absolutely amazing! Freddie growled again, wishing he could rip the paper up once more.

His heart began to sink as the weight upon his chest grew. Did he really not care about him? Was he so obsessed with himself that he didn’t bother treating him like an equal? Or was he starting to realise what he was and felt like he didn’t have to treat him like a human anymore-just someone who was sick and not important. To make matters worse, he had left today. Of all days he chose today. I don’t need him. He tried telling himself. I don’t, John’s there and-what’re you on about, you don’t need either of them! He pushed himself up into a seated position, shivering in his spot as he tried heating up his icy hands. As much as he tried to ignore the impending night, his mind just couldn’t shake the usual fears: hurting someone, hurting himself beyond repair, someone else getting infected; it all was just terrifying and Freddie could already feel his stomach start to twist within him.

He doesn’t care. He couldn’t possibly care. Tears started welling up at the corner of his eyes. He’ll never see you as anything but a nuisance. He wanted to scream everything right at Brian’s face or just throw a book right at it. What kind of nerve did he have to have to think he could do this to him? Surely he couldn’t hate him that much, right? So what if he hadn’t talked to him for days, that was Brian’s fault; if he didn’t want to apologise, then that’s on him. He wasn’t giving in first because Brian thought he was right. Every single time he was too stubborn, something bad happened.

Something bad happened...Freddie turned to look down at his blankets. Why did he think that? He ran his hand along the duvet, the very same texture being the one Brian had brought to him one morning. His mind could only throw flashing images at him for a few seconds: the hulking outline of the beast, the door smashing right into its muzzle, Brian’s petrified face. He didn’t know that he’d seen him, nor did he want him to know.

He was fifteen again. Brian was practically carrying him at this point, his hands trembling as he tried to hold him there while finding his wand in his pocket. The door had formed in front of them, Brian rushing through with him as he already felt his clothes grow tighter around his arms and chest. The room was suffocating and the beast was already trying to rip itself out of Brian’s hold around him. While using his last remaining willpower, Freddie just pushed Brian away as hard as he could before collapsing onto the ground. A blood-curdling cry echoed off the walls as his nails ripped through the fabric of his outfit.  

The scene froze on Brian’s terrified face, constantly zooming closer and closer so that he could try and find out what was going through his mind. How could someone have so much going on in their mind in just one second: fear, worry, anger, a convoluted storm of so many emotions that they turned his eyes glassy and unfocused, almost reverting back to their primal state where everything centered around the idea of “survive”.

Everything grew hazy in front of him, Freddie finally blinking to wash away the last bit of the memory. He grabbed his blankets, trying to stabilize himself. Nothing seemed to want to work though: thinking about good things, focusing on his current surroundings, even smacking his hand against the nightstand to try and feel something different wasn’t doing anything. He could still feel the cold floor on his hands and the putrid drool that dribbled down the side of the beasts mouth. When the fact that it’d all happen tonight struck him, his eyes flew back open as his body began to twitch and shake.

Do something, try something. He got up from his spot, his knees shaking and hindering his ability to walk in a straight line; the floor seemed to be made of spikes, every step jabbing at his aching legs and soles of his feet as he finally made his way to the door. His mind began fighting with itself: the desperate half began whining at him to go get Brian so that he’d have some help while the stubborn half absolutely refused to even think of him. Remember, he left you. His lip curled up into a sneer as he swung the door open, slowly making his way down the stairs and covering up as much of his body with his cloak to avoid any probing questions from the other Ravenclaws in the common room. Thankfully, he gained no attention from the others; it seemed that majority of them were more focused on their studies than their surroundings. 

Should he just go sulk in the library? Or go down to the dining hall for something to eat, yeah like that was going to happen. He turned to his left, seeing a cloudless sky in the distance. Unlike the rest of winter so far, it was no longer grey and instead gave the impression that it was a warm day in spring. He could almost see the little budding flowers among the green grass while the trees would start to grow their flowers, ranging from a beautiful white to a rosy pink. If he listened hard enough, he could almost hear the chirps of birds in the distance. But upon moving his gaze ever so slightly, Freddie could only see everything that ruined this illusion: frost still along the sides of the trees that were barren of any life, an absence of any green in the rolling fields, and absolutely no songs from any birds. Maybe in the distance there could be some kind of sign of change, perhaps it wasn’t going to be seen to the naked eye just yet, but spring would come, just as it always would.

He took a seat beneath the giant tree in the middle of the courtyard; no one was outside-who would want to be outside when it was that cold out-yet Freddie didn’t mind; the silence was wonderful, almost a gift to help ease his thoughts. Even with his body feeling so tired, a calm blanket was spreading over his mind. He reached out, playing around with a few strands of grass, the frost upon the tips melting immediately upon touching his fingertips. Every blade glistened in the light of day and made them look more white than green. A small wind blew from behind him, Freddie releasing his hold on those little pieces and watched them dance in the wind. Another wind blew, this time pushing his hair out in front of him and blocking his vision for a quick second. As his vision cleared, he could only see his still outstretched hand, the skin beneath his nails now turning a pale purple. Yet he didn’t feel it; none of the cold was penetrating his body. All he could feel in that moment was the sun shining down on his face, the little bit of warmth emanating from it immediately bringing back that feeling of spring. In that moment, right from above him, a little chaffinch flew onto the tree and sung its loud song.

…

Nerves were bouncing around, every inch of his skin was lined with little goosebumps, and as much as he was trying to force himself up from his spot in the library, he didn’t want to move. He didn’t want to see that thing again, not again. His jaw clenched as he looked up at the line of books in front of him, trying to distract his frantic brain from thinking of the night later on. Alas, it wasn’t working-but what would work? Eating-ha! He was instantly sickened by the mere thought of it. Rest in the room until then? Go find one of his friends?

Friends. Were were they? Roger perhaps was studying up in his room, John might be there too, though it was still bizarre as to why he wasn’t here, especially since he had been so excited to learn about tonight. Then there was Brian; should he even call him a friend anymore? Anyone who just left like that shouldn’t even be called that. Coward perhaps. Brian didn’t even want to say a single word to him before leaving because he was scared. Oh how he wanted to scream every curse at him or hurl a book right at his face.

He leaned over into his bag, tearing out a sheet of paper and his wand. The words immediately came out, Freddie spitting out every single thing he wanted to bark at Brian if he was right there in front of him. His wand collected every single word he read out over the next five minutes, Freddie barely pausing for a breath until he finished his rant. He put the tip upon the sheet of paper, watching it fold itself into a neat, crimson envelope.

With his anger now fueling him, he leapt up and marched right on out, shoving his way through the bustling crowds of students who were going back up to their dorms. A select few seemed to also be heading towards the Owlery, for they too were carrying little parcels or letters that must’ve been going back home, but he was the only one with a crimson letter tucked under his arm.

By the time he’d arrived, he could already see the sun start to set. His skin prickled with fear, but he pressed on, calling down one of the school owls and quickly tied the letter to its leg. He told the little bird Brian’s address, the owl taking no time in flying right on out the window. Freddie turned to head out, only to join the other students in the Owlery who were now staring over at the hunched over frame of a student who seemed close to passing out.

“John? What the hell are you doing here?” Freddie asked, John now looking back up at him with a panicky look in his eyes and readjusting the little bag he had around his shoulder.  

“Ah-uh-well I was gonna try and...catch you to...eh...show you something?” He began, his face, somehow, turning darker under the confused gazes of the other students. “H-how about I go show you?”

Freddie growled under his breath and stomped forward, his own face starting to burn under the stares from the others. He grabbed John’s sleeve and marched forward, another wave of chills hitting his body once he stepped outside. As they walked down the steps, John uttered multiple apologies, all of which Freddie just ignored, his main focus being on getting back inside the castle.

“John, it’s fine, alright? Just stop your blubbering!” He snarled, John instantly shutting up from behind him.

“I-I just wanted to make sure everything was alright. I-I couldn’t find Brian and I got worried so I just...chased after you.”

“Oh don’t worry, no one can find Brian here!” He mockingly said. “That little prick went right on home without saying a single word to any of us! Not only that, he found it absolutely brilliant to just write a few words down to explain what was going on. Selfish little brat!”

“Wait, what did happen?”

“His father’s sick. Wish I knew what! But nope! Just left without specifying! Well, he can have fun with that howler. Maybe he’ll learn what an explanation is!” Freddie spat, his jaw winding up so tightly that his teeth might crack.

Upon entering the hallway, Freddie fell silent. He could already see the darkening sky outside and his fear silenced any of the once burning anger inside. He paused, his body not wanting to move any closer to the room. Those childish thoughts returned: don’t let me go in! I don’t wanna! I’m sick of this! Someone, help me...John reached out and grabbed his hand, giving a reassuring smile towards him as he lead him towards the room. Freddie just stood there, tightly gripping his sleeves as John paced back and forth three times. In a matter of seconds, the door formed, John holding it open for him as he brought himself to walk in.

He raised an eyebrow at the sight in front of him. It looked, almost homey, and yet there wasn’t a single piece of furniture. The room was a good size, roughly a dozen metres long and wide and a large window sat to the left, the navy blue sky already starting to give way to the blackness of night. Freddie just sat down on the carpet, not wanting to look around any longer. His body was already giving its occasional convulsion, all those memories starting to swarm around and only intensify his current fears.

Something struck him right in the stomach: what if something happened to him tonight? Was the last thing Brian would ever hear from him be anger? No, no it wouldn’t be, when has anything terrible happened? Surely it wouldn’t just start tonight! Right? His eyes began to water. What good was worrying going to do him? Brian obviously didn’t care about him. He might just open the howler up as soon as it got there and tune it out. His whimpering grew louder; was everything they had nothing? Did he really not matter to him? After everything they’d done together and been through nonetheless, was it just that easy for Brian to move on from him?

“Fred, you alright?” John asked.

Freddie finally became aware of John’s presence and turned to face him. Immediately, he shouted “No! No I’m not alright! Brian’s gone...A-and it’s my own fault!”

“He’ll be back soon though, you can talk to him then.” John told him.

“Don’t be so daft John! He just left that sort of letter for me! He doesn’t care...I-I know he doesn’t or else he would’ve left something more for me o-or still be here w-with…” He looked towards John. “Why’re you still here?”

“Thought you could use some company.” He replied with a proud smile upon his face.

“Comp-what’re you on about?” He wiped away wet streaks on his cheeks. “Get out of here, I-it doesn’t need company.”

“Come off it Fred, I’m not here for it, I’m for you!” He explained. “Don’t worry, I took precautions.” He motioned to behind him where a brown door sat, Freddie only assuming that another room was behind it.

“What-no! No, no, no. C’mon John, go back to your house and get back down here in the morning.” John stayed still, not budging from his spot, even when Freddie stood up and headed towards him. A look of indignation suddenly appeared on John’s face as he stared right up at him, determination shooting through his eyes.

“Fred, I know enough about these things to know that they’re isolating. You feel alone in here every single time you have to go through this. Since Brian’s never here with you, I’ll do it. I’m not going to have you go through something alone. It’ll help, believe me!” John pleaded.

He backed up ever so slightly as Freddie hovered above him. “John. Get out of here now. You don’t know what they’re capable of.” He ordered.

Out of nowhere, John’s shadow began to grow behind him. Freddie looked down and saw his own shadow interrupt the steady silver light that had already started to fill the room. Just a second of distraction was enough. The fire spread through his body and nearly knocked him right to the ground. As it took hold, Freddie’s ability to speak quickly vanished, despite him still desperately trying to tell John to leave. He could already feel his nails ripping into his outfit and piercing his skin as his clothes grew tighter and tighter around him once more. His groans of pain echoed off the walls of the room, the sound of his outfit ripping to shreds following soon after. Fear gripped his stomach as he managed to catch a quick glimpse of John. Instead of any fear, there was this terribly sad look in his eyes as he stood transfixed to his spot, unable to do anything as he watched his monthly change take hold.

Yet, there was something different this time. As his head and ears started to lengthen, a powerful scent struck the beast’s nose; it smelled of metal and something he couldn’t quite identify, and yet it smelled so familiar. Despite its spine still settling into place and its whole body throbbing with pain, the beast quickly shot up, its blood tainted saliva dribbling out of the corner of its mouth and into a massive puddle on the ground. It wasted no time and immediately leapt forward, aiming right for the door that was now shut with John peering out from behind it, his eyes wide with awe and concern. Both of the aforementioned emotions vanished in an instant as the beast reared up onto its hind legs and crashed into the door, John’s face covered with fear as he backed up, just barely missing the beast’s slashing claws through the little bars in the door’s mini window.

Growls of frustration rang through the small room, Freddie wishing he could block out all the sounds and ignore the sight of his friend right in front of him. God he wished he could yell at John right now; how could he be so stupid to want to be here with this thing? Every snarl, every bark, and every attempt to break through the wood door to finally attack the first human it’d seen in years sent waves of adrenaline through its body, every ounce of focus being put onto John and nothing else. It finally smelled blood other than its own, it finally saw flesh other than its own, and it finally saw the chance to attack and spread its disease with ease; the chance was right there, less than a few metres away from it and the door was blocking it. Freddie was immensely thankful for whatever spells John had placed on the door, but all he could feel was the beast’s ever growing frustration.

Finally, it walked away from the door, realising that this attempt wasn’t going to work. Freddie wished he could plead with it, beg it to go back to attacking itself instead of his friend, but he had no control for the next few hours. He was just a witness, a being trapped inside another’s body as it did whatever it wanted. All he could do was watch it prowl around, occasionally lunging back at the door to try and grab John. Only once did it come close and that was when John walked up to the window to get a better look, to which the beast gladly sprung back at the door and dug its massive paw through the window, the daggers just barely missing John’s face.

At one point, when Freddie was sure that a few hours had passed, the beast walked away. Freddie just repeated a silent apology to John, wishing that he knew how bad he felt that he had to witness this whole ordeal. But the mortal terror he felt an instant later put those apologies up in smoke as the beast went to the back of the room, quickly licking its chops before rearing back onto its hind legs and letting out a blood-curdling howl that bounced off the walls of the room, John’s face appearing in the small window once again. With all its energy, the beast fell onto all fours and rushed forward as fast as it could, slamming its whole body against the door and sinking its teeth into the metal bars of the window. It glared at John, trying its best to yank its claws out of the wood as it snarled venomously at him, Freddie just barely able to see its icy blue stare in John’s wide eyes. He saw nothing: no joy, no excitement, no anger, just the primal, frenzied light of a monster that was ready to dig its teeth into some part of John’s body. It growled, sending flecks of its infected saliva towards John’s face, Freddie panicking inside of the creature as it continued its attempts over and over again, trying harder and harder each time to break through the door. Even when he was sure it was starting to tire of this quest, it kept up. All the pain in its body, the blood dribbling down its arm from cutting itself on a stray piece of wood, nothing kept it at bay. Not until the sky started to glow a brilliant gold from the rising sun.

Its head whipped around at the first ray of sunlight that hit the room. Outside sat the clear sky; the east held the sun, glimmering in all its golden glory while off to the west sat the moon, casting its silvery glow for a few more moments before it would vanish until night returned.

Once its eyes laid on the sun, the pain returned to its body, its whimpers and loud cries of pain reverberating off the room as his body shrunk back down to its original size, the fur, teeth, claws, and ears all receded back into his body. With one last snap of his spine back into its normal alignment, Freddie collapsed onto the cold ground, immediately clutching his bleeding arm as all those emotions from the past hours resurfaced and grew to the point that brought him to tears.

He curled up, trying to hide as much of his body from sight as he sobbed into his folded arms, ignoring the pain in his right. Across the room came the sound of a door opening, Freddie venturing a quick glance towards John, who still had that little bag from the Owlery hanging on his shoulder. John said nothing and just sat down next to him, Freddie not daring to look him in the eye after all he had to witness from last night. Yet John still prodded at his arm until he looked up at him again. In John’s outstretched hand sat a little muffin stuffed with blueberries, in his other hand sat a bundle of bandages and some cream of some sort, and a stack of folded clothes-which he presumed were his-sat behind John. John just offered a kind smile as he took the muffin, slowly starting to work on the injury upon his arm as he ate the pastry. After getting dressed, both sat in silence, John offering him a massive sweet from his bag, to which Freddie split it in half. The two ate their halves, Freddie feeling a peaceful warmth spread throughout him just as the sunlight took over the final rays of moonlight.

[theamberfang]

Maybe I Could Stop with the Titles; Journal 607

Probably could have written this earlier since I’ve already been tired for a while now. Not much to talk about anyway though: still fixated on Dead Cells. Regarding that, I made some decent progress upgrading the Legendary Forge, which will steadily make it easier to keep upgrading it (since more and more loot will spawn at max quality). I’m also happy about feeling like I genuinely fought and defeated The Time Keeper for once; the vast majority of the times I beat her felt more like I was just using brute force from whatever powerful build got me that far in the run.

I was also thinking about writing a bit about the edit I added to last night’s post: the stuff about having voted. Mostly, I was thinking about how I had actually felt a bit conflicted about whether I wanted to put in a vote for president, even with the ballot in my hands; like, if I even want to participate in these political machinations at all from a more ideological standpoint. But I guess it really comes down to my own understanding that its largely insignificant regardless—relative to the sorts of things I want to get involved with—so I may as well go along with some of the people I care about. Basically, not-voting is as ineffective of protest as voting/electorialism is ineffective activism.

It actually wasn’t too long ago when I thought that getting involved with elections could be good practice for other forms of organizing: the idea being that if you can help organize a campaign, those skills could transfer to other stuff. I also had the impression that getting involved in that stuff would be a way to recruit people towards those other forms of organizing: direct action, mutual aid, protesting, and whatnot. But I’ve since come around to understanding that participating in electorialism at all simply propagates the notion that voting—and campaigning for other people to vote for your team—is the best form of activism, and that anything else is secondary.

But I feel like I’m repeating myself, or at least stuff I’ve reblogged. I don’t have much else to say on the matter, and I don’t think it’s worth talking about anymore. (For me. Not, like, in general.)

[machihunnicutt]

On Cacti, Adult Braces, and Sunshine

Chapter 2

(Or read on ao3.)

Connor was gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles were white. It was still pouring. He leaned forward to see through the windshield, wipers working frantically.  He felt dumb and angry and tired and like he was in high school again. And that was never a good feeling. Evan had leaned in like he wanted to kiss him. Connor knew it and he'd chickened out anyway. He really was just a wimp. He was just a brace faced loser who was too pitifully rooted in the past to kiss a cute boy who wanted to kiss him.

Zoe was seated on the couch with Alana's head in her lap when he got back to their place. He must have looked as bad as he felt because Zoe frowned at him. "Was Dad that bad?" She said. "Did the call screw things up with Evan?"

Yes. But he didn't want to say it aloud. Saying it meant admitting, again that he was still an overemotional fuckup. Great, add that to the list: wimp, coward, brace faced loser, cactus killer, and overemotional fuckup. It was quite the resume.

"I don't know what's going to happen between me and Evan," he said instead.

"What do you mean?" Alana asked from her spot in her girlfriend's lap.

"Yeah, Evan's a delight."

"When I walked him to his door he leaned in like he wanted to kiss me....but after the call with Dad I..."

"Fuck Dad," Zoe interrupted. "It's okay Con, you'll kiss him next time.

"If there's a next time," he mumbled. Evan was probably too nice for him anyway. He didn't deserve someone like that. He didn't deserve sunshine and smiles and collections of plants on makeshift shelves. He didn't deserve boys who liked his braces and laughed at his jokes and knew what it was like to feel alone.

"There will be," Zoe said.

Connor waited before he called again. He maintained Harold the cactus diligently and thought about what he should say.

Hey Evan, sorry I was too bogged down in my past failures to kiss you. Do you want to go out again?

God, no. He should just pretend it didn't happen like:

Hi Evan, remember me? I haven't killed my cactus yet. I know I'm a downer but do you wanna spend more time with me?

Shit, that sounded bad too. He couldn't bring himself to be optimistic.

Maybe this was one of those times he needed his sister. It was late, but he got up anyway and went to her room and knocked gently on the door.

They hadn't been close before he tried to end it. He'd hurt her in ways he couldn't forgive himself for. Before rehab and therapy and countless conversations and years of healing, Zoe had been a stranger to him. Now she was everything.

"Come in," she called tiredly. He could see sleep at the edges of her eyes when he crossed the dark room. She scooted to one side of the bed and held out her arms for him. He accepted, back pressed to her chest, and breath timed with hers.

They did this sometimes. Sometimes she knocked on his door. They were good at calming each other when nothing seemed calm.

"What's wrong?" She whispered. "Do you want to talk or do you just want to be quiet for a bit?"

"I haven't really dated," he said, voice small and strange in the silence. "I...um, it's still hard to be happy.  I know that sounds fake and fucked up but..."

"It doesn't."

He felt a knot in his chest come undone. "I...uh. I know I just met him and shit but it feels I don't know...important? I guess? Like if I can be good at this then maybe I really am moving forward."

"You're moving forward Con. You have been for a while. It's okay to have set backs. Set backs are a part of life."

He laughed nervously and shook his head. "Sometimes I don't want to keep going." Sometimes the voice in his head telling him that no one liked him and that he'd never be enough won. Sometimes he wanted to kill his cactus.

Zoe squeezed him, burying her face in his back. "It's okay. It's all going to be okay someday." He wasn't sure he believed it but he nodded anyway.

"I'm proud of you no matter what you choose," she said. "But I think that if you like him you should call him."

"And say what? If I were him I wouldn't want to go out with me.

"Well then I guess it's good that you're not him. You should ask him to join us at the lake next weekend. That's fun and Alana and I will be there so it's low pressure."

"Alright," he mumbled. "I'll think about it."

"Good," she said. "You do that." She was warm and soft and nights like this he felt close to her in a way he thought would never happen. Things had been so shitty for so long this felt like a goddamn miracle.

"Goodnight Connor."

"Night Zoe."

The next day he called. Evan picked up on the second ring. "Hey! How are you? I mean why did you call? I mean, not that I don't want you to call I just thought you weren't after the party...not that I didn't have fun. I had fun and I uh...Connor why don't you just start talking?"

"Hi Evan," he said.

"Hi Connor."

"I wanted to ask if you'd want to come to the lake with Zoe, Alana, and I. We're going to make a day of it, swimming, and picnicking and whatnot. I understand if you're not about the lake," he stumbled over his words. "Or if you're uh, if you're not about spending any more time with me. I get it so don't feel bad about saying..."

"I like you Connor," Evan interrupted. "I was hoping you'd call. That's what I was trying to say."

"Oh," Connor said stupidly. Then he repeated it. "Oh."

"When are we going to the lake?" He asked gently.

"Uh, Sunday. I can pick you up again. We were thinking of leaving around noon."

"That's fine with me. Sh-should I bring anything? I mean besides my general swim stuff?"

"Alana popped our beach ball. You don't happen to have one do you?"

"I do!" He replied enthusiastically, and then, perhaps realizing the extent of that enthusiasm, repeated himself more calmly. "Yeah, I do."

"Hell yeah, okay bring that. I'll see you Sunday then?"

"Yeah, see you then Connor."

Evan Hansen met him on the patio with a predictably blue striped t-shirt, adorably palm tree patterned swimming trunks, sunscreen that hadn't been fully rubbed in on his nose, and the promised beach ball.

It was sunny, and hot in a sticky way that reminded Connor of Fourth of July parties at his grandparents house: watermelon juice on Zoe's face, aggressive allergies from all the pollen, and someone (usually him) getting angry about something and stalking off to climb a tree or (when he was older) smoke pot while he walked around the block of manicured lawns and American flag adorned houses.

"You've got a little sunscreen on your nose," he grinned. Evan quickly brushed the white smear away, blushing. "Alright, we're good to go then. Zoe made sandwiches and we've got lemonade and cookies in the cooler. I'm driving so you can take shot gun if you want?"

"O-okay," Evan said. He climbed in after Connor and Zoe and Alana greeted him warmly. Zoe suggested they play whatever music Evan wanted and after some brief, embarrassed, protesting he agreed to plug his phone in.

Evan liked love songs it seemed: bubbly, poppy, sweet love songs and his ears were burning pink when Connor turned to smile at him and compliment his music taste. It took them half an hour to get to the lake. Zoe and Alana were playing an intense round of the license plate game in the back seat while Evan stared out at the trees they passed.

"How'd you get so into plants?" Connor asked, eyes trained on the road.

"I um...I didn't really have friends in high school so I read a lot instead. And my mom got me this plant and tree ID book one year and after school I'd just walk around my neighborhood and identify different plants. It was kind of like having friends, knowing all the trees and flowers you know? I mean you probably don't because you probably had real friends or whatever. Anyway, I guess from there I started buying plants to take care of and then I joined my school's eco club because my mom wanted me to get involved and I realized that it was easier to talk to people if I was talking about plants or trees or gardening. Nature just makes me feel really calm. It's like...I don't know, like everything melts away."

"That's really cool Evan," he said sincerely. "I wish I had something to make me calm." Zoe could, sometimes, when he fought the impulse to snap at her or when it was late at night and he was too tired to be angry. The breathing exercises he'd been taught in therapy helped when he really worked at them. But nothing made everything melt away. When his brain wanted his blood, or tears, or violence his brain usually won.

"You mean you aren't at peace when you're grilling?" Evan joked.

Connor laughed and punched him lightly on the shoulder. "Shut up Plant Boy."

***

Evan was fixated on the way the stray pieces of Connor's hair that weren't secured in his bun stuck to his neck and curled with his sweat. It was probably a bad thing to be blushing about how a boy's hair looked when he was sitting right next to him, but this was the situation in which Evan had found himself.

Evan stared out at the trees to keep from staring at Connor Murphy. Before he knew it he was dozing off with his face pressed against the window.

"Hey Evan?" Evan's head shot up and he nearly knocked foreheads with Connor but stopped just before he did, their faces perilously close. He flushed. God he was so sweaty. Was he always this sweaty?

"You ready?" Connor smiled wide and Evan's gaze caught on his braces again. Evan didn't consider himself a violent person but he'd gladly punch every boy who'd made Connor feel ashamed of them.

"Yeah."

Alana and Zoe set up the cooler and lawn chairs and Connor grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the water. "Do you swim a lot?"

"My mom used to take Jared and I to the pool in the summer when we were kids. He always tried to talk me into going off the diving board but I was too scared."

Connor laughed. "Me too. I don't like feeling like I'm falling." Evan knew that feeling. When so much felt out of your control you couldn't let yourself give up anything more, even if it was just the feeling of your bare feet on the concrete of the public pool.

"C'mon," Connor said. He pulled off his shirt and threw it in the sand. His chest was pale and his shoulders were broad and sharp. He had some scars on his arms that he covered up by crossing them for a moment. When Evan didn't say anything he uncrossed them and sucked in a breath. "I uh...do you wanna go in?"

"Yeah, he said. He thought maybe he should say something about how he didn't care about the scars just like he didn't care about the braces or the way he crumbled after a phone call from his dad. He had a bone that would never feel quite right and a dad who didn't bother calling. He had an obsessively large plant collection and a stutter that got worse the more nervous he was. He thought maybe he and Connor could understand each other.

But he couldn't think of anything to say and the sunlight was catching in the stray curls that fell out of his bun. Connor took his hands and walked him into the cold water. Evan laughed and so did Connor and then he was up to his waist in the cold murkiness and Connor was daring him to go under and then they both were. Connor's hair was stuck to his forehead and Evan coughed when he accidentally swallowed some lake water.  They swam for awhile. Alana and Zoe joined them and they played a few rousing rounds of Marco Polo (in one of which Evan ended up inadvertently hugging Connor.) He and Connor got tired first and headed to shore to start on the sandwiches while Alana and Zoe giggled and tossed the beach ball back and forth. They were kind of adorable.

"Is PB&J okay?" Connor asked, towel draped around his shoulders.

"It's perfect, thanks." He took the sandwich gratefully and Connor sat down on the lawn chair beside him. Evan's eyes burned a little from the water and he felt the the sun tingling on his skin which meant it was time to reapply sunscreen. His mom had always been a stickler about proper sunscreen application.

Connor tucked the towel so it covered the scars up his arms and took a bite of his own sandwich. Evan knew he had to say something. It would just bother him if he didn't.

"Hey...c-can I tell you something?"

"Sure," Connor leaned toward him. "Speak your mind Plant Boy."

"Okay, um...I don't u-usually tell p-people about this out of the b-blue but I have the feeling that maybe you'll understand a little and I t-trust you so...anyway, when I was in high school I tried to kill myself by letting myself fall out of a tree. But I uh...I mean obviously it didn't work and I just broke my arm. I g-guess the diving board thing is kind of dumb in hindsight. I um..like I said I don't go around just telling people that but I l-like you so I thought you should know before we get any closer or whatever. Assuming you still want to..."

"Of course I still want to," he cut in. "I'm sorry high school was that shit. And I'm glad your still here Evan." He let the towel fall down his back and rubbed his hands down his arms nervously, looking down. "I mean I know you probably noticed the scars. I went through a similar thing. And uh, I'm recovering but it's always hard."

"Um..." Connor met his eyes and Evan was nervous again. "Y'know trees keep growing even when assholes carve things into their skin...er bark. They're not just fixed but they uh...they keep growing and changing and moving forward. I mean not literally moving forward cause they're trees I g-guess it would be m-moving upward but what I'm..."

"Thanks Evan," Connor put a hand on his knee. "Really, thank you."

"You don't have to..."

"Is it okay if I hug you?" Connor's eyes looked kind of teary but he was blinking wildly to hide it.

"It's okay." Connor's skin was warm despite the cold of the lake water. He held on tight and Evan was conscious of his face in Connor's mess of hair and the scent of sunscreen. He wanted to kiss him. Maybe Connor wasn't like a cactus. Maybe he was like a peony: fragrant and soft and able to make him smile. When Connor pulled away Evan felt stupid in the way his face flushed and fingers quivered.

"Do you want a cookie?" Connor asked. "We should also put on more sunscreen. I don't know about you but I burn. Zoe gets all tan and I just look like a tomato."

Before, when he'd told people the truth about the day he broke his arm it made things weird. His mom had cried and spent more time at home. Jared had been weirdly nice to him for weeks until Evan told him to stop. This time things were normal. Connor just hugged him and offered him a cookie like it was no big deal. Oh God, if the past could just stay in the past. Things were better with time, but sometimes Evan got impatient.

Evan tried to keep his staring at Connor Murphy more covert on the way back but it was hard when he was so smiley and his nose was sunburned. Connor caught him a couple times but he just laughed and Evan's chest felt lighter. The sun was setting when they dropped him off. Alana and Zoe waved from the backseat as Connor walked him to the door.

"Goodnight Plant Boy." Maybe Evan would always think of flowers when he saw him: big, beautiful blooms in vibrant reds and pinks.

"Goodnight. I'll see you at the greenhouse okay?"

"Okay," Evan said. He felt tired and dreamy and ridiculously happy.

"Okay," Connor repeated. He smiled one last time and then turned to leave.

Jared was still up, seated on the couch watching Undercover Boss and wearing a green face mask and headband to keep his hair out of the goop. He was eating cheese balls.

"Sup Ev?"

"Hey," Evan replied, leaning against the door frame.

"How was your date with the emo kid?"

"His name is Connor and he's lovely."

Jared laughed obnoxiously. "Here, come watch the Steak and Shake CEO fuck up a milkshake."

He did, and they sat in relative silence until Evan's eyelids started to droop.

"Take care of yourself okay Evan? If this new guy hurts you I'll..." he cleared his throat and when Evan looked over at him he looked embarrassed. Jared stuffed a handful of cheese balls in his mouth.

"Thanks Jared. I'll be fine."

He nodded reluctantly and turned his attention back to the CEO floundering with the fryer.

***

Evan looked at peace in the herb section. Connor watched him pick up a thyme plant and inspect it closely. He smoothed his hair out his face and approached him carefully.

"Harold's not dead yet just so you know."

"Good," Evan replied, nose crinkling when he smiled. "How are you?"

"Bored, do you wanna hang out when you get off? I'll get you ice cream." He was trying to sound casual and doing a poor job of it.

"Okay, I get off at six though."

"I'll be back."

Evan got a strawberry shake which was kind of the cutest thing ever. After, they drove out to the forest and Connor confessed that he wanted to see the kind of calm Evan talked about. The sun was setting when they got there.

"Can I ask you something Evan?"

"Sh-sure."

"Why did you choose an um...oh god this is a weird and invasive question I shouldn't just..." he felt his face flush and suddenly felt very panicked.

"N-no its okay just ask me," Evan said gently.

"Why a tree? Why not something away from what you love?"

"I um..." Evan looked down and Connor's mentally kicked himself for making things weird. He just couldn't keep from fucking up.

"I didn't really plan it until I was up in the tree. I guess up so high it started to hit me that my only friends were plants and that's so p-pathetic so I-I don't know. I wanted to go back to the earth. I felt alone. I felt so alone and so small."

"You're not pathetic. And you're not alone Evan," he said haltingly.

Evan bit his lip. "Hey look, the sun's setting."

"Do you want to see my room?" He blurted. C'mon Murphy you idiot. Stop asking weirdo questions.

"Okay."

***

Connor's room was small and relatively empty. Harold the cactus was in the windowsill and a pile of records and accompanying player were tucked in one corner. His bed was unmade and ceiling had a mess of glow in the dark stars stuck to it.

"I like your room," he said. Connor shrugged.

"It's not much."

Connor Murphy still made him think of flowers. His room smelled like nail polish and lemon air freshener.

"Thanks for coming over."

"Thanks for having me."

Connor sucked in a breath. "I'm probably not better than a plant friend. I'm more work. And I say dumb shit sometimes. And I'm kind of a coward but...I'm happy you've stuck around this far. I think you make me calm."

Evan's chest ached. Flowers. He imagined a peony behind his ear. "I think you're better than plants. I have fun every time I'm with you. I say things I'm afraid to say. We haven't known each other long but I feel like I've known you my whole life. I'm sorry that sounds so cheesy and dumb. I mean...I'm pretty ch-cheesy and dumb but I don't want you to know that that's so weird...I," he stopped and took a step toward Connor. Mom was always saying that sometimes you just had to take what you wanted. He leaned in and kissed Connor Murphy right on the mouth. He was so nervous he was afraid he might miss. He was about to melt into a puddle when Connor started kissing him back. His arm curled around the small of Evan's back. He relaxed into it. Flowers and fireworks. Flowers and fireworks and Connor Murphy's braces catching on his lip. He yelped.

"I'm sorry!"

"No I'm sorry I should've been more careful!"

"Do you want to date Evan?"

"Yes! Yes, I do."

"Cool." Connor smiled. He still loved the braces. He could feel his lip bleeding but he wanted to kiss him again anyway.

"I'm sorry I didn't kiss you the first time."

"It's okay. It was worth the wait." He looked at Harold in the windowsill. "You picked the best cactus. I knew it would work out."