#fix her shit at the same time or value my trauma as the same as her own well

[wordsarefakeokay]

The universe told me to stop and reflect. The universe told me "don't escape the safe place you've built, learn to see it as home again. Reinforce the barricades and the borders, define your home, name your boundaries. Define what is safe for you and cut what is not. Be okay with your decision and while you do that learn to walk again"

My hands are my voice. I'm finding my peace in the writing. These thumbs have written more essays and fairy tales than on this here heaven and earth Horatio....or at least at a computer. There's no end to the strength and dexterity of my thumbs on my phone. Instead of telling trolls on that inconsequential app Twitter off I spend my time playing with words like preschool blocks and building castles out of cardboard. I am a kid again putting the voice to the thoughts I was too scared to express, to scared to share. I was blinded by the idea of happily ever after and that once the girl gets her prince or resolves her issues, that's supposed to be the end of the story. Aren't you happy now you have a man? Aren't you happy now you had one meaningful conversation with your mom, isn't it all water under the bridge by now?

Now I can say no one breakthrough is not a solution. It's an epiphany and how you respond afterwards is your truth. Will you wake up and try better, wake up and try at all, or will you think that the epiphany is enough and that therapy is a quick fix solution. Will you try at all or stay the same. Will you be there or will you be present, aware, active, engaging. Will you just sit in the room and think that's enough or will you try. Your response tells us everything.

So I sit here in my princess and the pea bed of mattresses and it's soft and home and clean and safe. I still watch fairy tales but now I look at all the characters and think about who's storyline has helped me grow the most in that hour and a half. Who's growth is going to help me with my own and now I find that it changes day to day. I am the hero of my own story and sometimes that means I'm the side character for someone else because my relationship with them matters to me, they matter to me but also by listening to my dear ones woes I can reflect on my own. The advice I give them also helps me. And I practice this when I'm watching a movie. It's not just observing cinematic experience in a moment, it's learning how the story unfolds based on how the director sees it and understanding the use and importance of dialogue. Only the best shows make it hard to choose which storyline applies that day because everyone and everything about the story is working in perfect harmony. And everytime I am different, unique, feeling a singular train of thought that day and the movie, the story takes me somewhere else. They still come with a sick beat and melody to match so some things stay the same. It is me who is different and wiser now. And that is okay. That is called growth.

So that is why it must be that the universe said "nah honey take a chill pill" and zapped me with the fortune of a few broken foot bones and some joint fractures for measure. When they bury me in the ground my right foot will look different from my left. Those bones don't look the way they do when I started this trainwreck rollercoaster called life. So I stay comfy and I wait and I wait. I manage pain and I wait and I wait. I see my doctor take the medication eat food and I eat the right food and I wait. And wait. And wait until my doctor says otherwise. I'm healing, and mending skeletal framework and rewiring my muscles. And everytime I get a little closer to having a normal life again I go right back to bed before waking up to try again. Can't you see that I'm trying?

So you're not welcome here. Your presence isn't safe. You aren't a safe space for me anymore and looking back on it I don't really think you were. I don't know how you clearly must be for other people. You are a volcano ready to erupt at a kids science fair at the earliest sign of Pepsi on Mentos. You are a fire hydrant who's lug nut did not get properly tightened on it's last task. You are a hallowed antique store that is precious to your small community that I'm terrified to enter because I'm not worthy. Because the person behind the counter is analyzing my every move my every breath and tallying every close call or smudged foot print I leave. They're preparing to sanitize every surface, polish every piece, freaking sage your safe zone from the enemy that apparently was me all along. I was walking on eggshells in your safe space, even when you opened it up to me. I was holding my breath Incase I breathed funny and triggered something in you. I was recounting verbal chess moves to see where everything went wrong. And at the end of the day I learned

We are not good for each other. We are not safe for each other. Your china shop is at your exact specifications and new elements are not welcome in your life. And that's your problem because you missed out on knowing me. You missed out on really knowing me. You saw what you could gather in a year and you told me I wasn't good enough. You told me the four deadly words to anyone's soul: you're not good enough. You asked me to change and never wondered what I needed from you if we were gonna stay in each other's lives. Stay as family. Be a family. Family makes room in the shops for you to visit. I wanted to look at your antiques and doodads and any memory you ever wanted to share that was neat or painful or funny or raw. Any memory that told me about you. Your antique shop was in black and white while I was there and all I wanted to do was know what colors went where. I wanted to know who you were in all the funny or scary or weird or nice microcosms about you. What makes you a person and can I be good in your life like I thought you would be in mine.

I guess we answered that question the day I broke my foot. It was the day you tried to fix things. It was the day you broke my heart. The kind of break you've been through before but you thought was behind you. The hurt that reminds you of your mom, the mom who's better over there out of my own book store.

And the worst part is that I know if I told you this you'd tell me that the antique china shop I described is actually a mom and pop OG game stop before game stop became popular. Itd be the hit place with the kids in the district or the kids in the group home or the kids in the after school DARE program rode their bikes and scooters and skateboards to while laughing at lessons and thinking about drugs and how the things "you're too young to mess with" are actually something you can get at the guy from the 711 on the way to the mom and pop store. You'd tell me that the antiques found in here we're the treasures of your youth, that the retro pieces of my time were the norm in yours. That every day nostalgia for you was an era away that I can appreciate like a fine wine. We are different and I was trying to understand what was in your store. I was trying to understand why this mom and pop shop stayed at this block with this community and supported this family and these kids. Why is this a safe place for others and not a safe space for me. I was trying to understand. Do you hear that? I was trying. to. understand. And you let me explore for a little bit I think I sneezed or laughed with you about something or maybe it was a comment or my body language or my attitude but I also could have just breathed wrong and you put up hazards saying "this place isn't safe with my little sister anymore" with everyone in your life on alert to figure out how to keep a sniper rifle trained on me. And from that first offense, every little mistake I made got worse, there was no end to punishments or tough fam conversations. I left a job because of that kind of treatment why are you surprised I blocked you? Why did you make your hurt my problem at the end of everything when I told you it was over and that I was done. Why are you like this? I hope you answer that question later for yourself one day so I'll say it again for spiciness. Why. are. you. like. this? Why can't you change?

The worst part about it is I know how you'll respond to all this and it goes a little something like this: you'd respond in a way that would make it about you just so you could have the last say and end this on a note where your hurt is my problem (again) and you would end it in a way that would prompt me to respond. You talk to hurt and be right so you can sleep at night and I talk to heal and grow. We're different. And when things go bad, things are worse before the bull breaks the retro shop.

The bull was you all along. Please know that before we talk again.

[redraven393]

catching up with Philza QSMP Vod. where:

the federation had ruined an old man's front lawn

Rycharlison is adrugdealer

forever took an opportunity and "marries" Philza

immediately met with his wife

the federation send an anarchist an invitation to become a president

Tallulah will rather eat a lime than an avocado or potato

Philza guess Ramon's password

Tallulah's father may or may not be real

Hide and seek in an awesome map Holly shit

the 4th wall has been broken so many times in Philza's Minecraft stream that the admins just let it be broken.

both dad and son thought that the other hid in the same place

the Brazilian are here! :D

there are so many screaming

Tallulah finds him yayyyy

hello Rycharlison

aww there gonna play music

PIG STEPPPP

HESNAMEISPHILZAMINECRAFTANDHEISQUITE OLD-

"my son is DEAD" omg Max

PHILZA OMG u didn't need to describe it

PAYthe SERVER Quackity

Pac and Mike are so cool

BIG LOVE TO MIKE AND PAC

omg Philza is spreading the 4th wall break

the file is so big omg, paper ASMR

"Are you gonna be a president" Sir he is an Anarchist

Max the sound system-the microphone

awww Supportive Philza, opp

Bye MAX

aww the Kids are playing the Guitar

it's nice when the cc are doing lore the admins are still acting like kids

AWWW TALLULAH TEACHING RICHA A SONG THAT WILL TEACH HER

Tallulah BIRTHDAY OMG

yey go stuff that girl with candy

Chayanne is really making plenty of use of his interest in cooking

THE BEES

CATERING LETS GOOO

omg Richa thinks that Will is like Hatsune Miku

Bye guys

is sweet to know that Philza is telling about Will to everyone

OMG Philza the Brazillian magnet

the eggs hear Will's songs too

oh? what do you have Richa

is that a llama

ohhh

omg

Forever is so obsessed with this friend of his omg

HYDRATE BEFORE DIEDRATE

wait the Brazilians are all gone

oh shit

oh no this is like that time with the trio

PARANOIA

Trauma Phil

a Square??

GATINHO and GUAPITO is here

the old man witnesses a shameless PDA

Tallulah is dancing in the background

opp Tallulah not here

the fish is drowning

hey Cellbit

Yay invitations for everyone!!!!

omg

no one believes Wilbur exists

Cellbit nooo

OMG

Chayanne is cooking for the WEDDING

LETS GOOOOO

LET HIM COOK

Cellbit nooo

Cellbit supports Creative Freedom

omg Phil's right Quackity will pull that type of stunt

Cellbit nooo

Richa has never taken a bath wtf???

oh shit he running

yeah show him your dad's picture

omg photoshopped

Forever and Roier is here!!!

omg Forever is gaslighting Holly shit

A Mouth!?

Chayanne is busy planning the catering

Professional Cheft Chayanne LETS GOOOOO

past life Philza omg

Philza is not having it

yeah Richa hit him in the head

your PLAN?????

oh well fair enough

Gaslight vs Guilt trip

omg that is a whole ass restaurant menu

BAGHEERA

yey french

tour pog???

oh shit a BAND??

the band is playing at the WEDDING???

they are so cuteeeeeee

nice home, it sweet that everyone try to make space for the kids in their home

why Cellbit is keeps killing other player

omg Baghera sound so scared that Phill would steal from her the poor lady

nice Megalovania mix it takes me back to 2018

the girls are so talented on music omg

hehe secret

holly shit a bucket full of honey

scary noises

THANKYOU BAHERAA

ohh candy apple

Chayanne professional chef bag

Tallulah is the best

Bagheraa nooo

oh thank god she believe Will is real

Will would have to socialize so much after he came back.

WhOOO THE KIDS FIRST PERFORMANCE

ROCK EGGS

Tallulah is following her old man foot step

bye Bagheraa

oh no the flowers

the Federation building is heighten Phil's property value

ohhh the kids are visiting the build

don't stand on the grass kids

walk on grass anyway

wtf????

what is that???

it is a pretty building

what is going on with the train station??? it was fixed

so they can leave now??

it looks brand new?

fancy train, but bumbpy ride

wat?

AWWW the RACON

aw god no VENUSSS

another venus gone

its okay Tallulah

that is so fuk

oh dragon magic

lol the flies is sitting the trains

lol Chayanne try to catch the bees but got stung

aww Tallulah babby dont be sad

eyy the bois are here

glad they could make Tallulah cheer up

looks like the happy couple happy with the menu

bye boisss

Max is going to get food lmao

it's nice to live near everything but it could also could be dangerous

Tallulah's and will's house really feels like a nice little fantasy corner

yay the kids are now able to get out

sleepy timesss

ohh an album

EGGJOY or RADIO EGG

lol the Wedding photo

Great Album Tallulah

Dragon Story POG

is it Mumza????

you guys will absolutely outlive me

CRY

oh is the Admins asking advice for the Dragon designs???/

if the kids get their wings i hope they also give the bird designed CC wings too

Tallulah pls he's an old man you can't make him run so much

Whooo birthdayyyy

AWWW thank you Tallulah

why is Foolish drowning?

oh god

lol Foolish

omg they were trying to give richa a bath

77777

yeah secur the party old man

kinda sadge

BYE PHIILLL

[acowardinmordor]

A preview of chapter seven, for your sanity, and mine:

--

The bed was huge, incredibly deep and soft, mounded with pillows and layered with downy soft sheets and blankets. They fought an interdimensional wizard. They were laying next to each other in the dark like they were an Amish courting couple minus the board. They had a full day of school. They should be exhausted. They were exhausted. She had her headphones on, playing softly. Manic Monday wasn’t her absolute favorite, but it worked well enough to get them through the night, and it had repeated enough times to become white noise. It was four am and neither of them could sleep. 

Somewhere in the house, he could hear the not-quite-sound of others talking. Not shouting or fear or anger. It was the kind of murmuring he remembered them all doing after climbing back from the Upside Down.Planning. Consoling. Stupid jokes to make each other smile.

“Eddie?” Chrissy asked, giving up the pretense that they were going to get any sleep. “When did you find out? You said you saw things, and the others said… So, when did you see it?” 

“Lunch,” Eddie’s voice broke on the single word.

“Oh my god.” Chrissy’s voice was barely more than air. “And you immediately just came to talk to me? That’s… oh my god, that’s why you were like that at my locker? Why you were trying to get me to skip the game?”

“Yeah,” he managed, “I’m usually more eloquent than that. I’m weird, but even I’m not normally that weird. Sorry. If I’d had a minute to think, I wouldn’t have made it seem like I was trying to seduce you.”

“Yeah,” she echoed, “Everyone seems really sure you were flirting with me.”

Her voice sank at the end, something like disappointment. Eddie leapt to try to fix it. 

“Shit, sorry, I wasn’t, I promise! Unless, uh, wait, I thought we— do you want me to be flirting with you? Cause I can do that. I can totally flirt with you. You’re great! You’re a goddess walking amongst peasants!”

“Eddie, no, you don’t need to —” she breathed out a little laugh, “It’s okay. I just didn’t really think that I was your kind of girl.”

He made an awkward noise in reply. She wasn’t his type. She was objectively adorable, and Eddie wasn’t blind, so she wasn’t not his type, but then again, he'd always put more value on personality than looks. Aesthetic crushes, sure, those happened, some people were beautiful, and, embarrassingly, those kinds of infatuations were most likely to show up for jocks. Shameful for his reputation. But thinking someone was hot didn’t mean he liked them. 

On the other hand, knowing that Chrissy could face down an evil wizard, win, and still have a sense of humor on the other side was affecting the scales. Same as the memories he had of Harrington in the Upside Down. Which, again, was incredible, but was not worth the risk and the blood loss. Scars were hot, but he wasn’t going to wish trauma on the guy.  

That wasn’t why he wasn’t trying to flirt either. Everything she just went through? Not the right time. Too much of his head was fixated on her staying alive. If he heard a twig snap he’d probably freak out again. Maybe after it was over, if he came back to Hawkins after it was all said and done, once Steve and Nancy and the others had saved the day, after supergirl showed up, maybe after all of that, he could talk to Chrissy again and see something other than a victim in need of saving. 

He couldn’t say that though. Calling someone a victim wasn’t empowering, and Chrissy needed to feel empowered. 

“Pretty sure you could be my type of girl if I was looking for one,” he offered.

[causticsunshine]

anne sharing her stance as neutral on the genocide through multiple of her instagram stories certainly doesn't help my opinion about this whole staying quiet thing. very disappointed but not surprised.

i literally saw this one this morning (screengrab via @/spacecowboysue on twitter):

(edit: i’m about to get properly irate here but my anger isn’t just aimed at her, it’s at everyone taking similar pages out of her book by claiming neutrality and calling for ‘peace’ and essentially playing I Pretend I Do Not See in this situation; there is no reason or excuse for anyone who claims to want ‘peace’ here to be playing the so-called neutral card anymore.)

like okay, what the fuck is a STATUE going to do? and reconcile what—nearly a century of systematic occupation and genocide pushed and backed by numerous western countries, including her own? yeah, i’m sure a fucking statue is going to just, y’know, poof all the palestinians’ past and active trauma away, rebuild all the rubbled homes and cultural centers and other buildings, regrow the natural flora and heal the traumatized and dying animals and bring back the desecrated olive orchards, rain down clean water and fresh food from the sky… oh and bring back all their martyred dead!

and on top of the fucking insult that it is to still be standing for ‘neutrality’ and just wanting ‘peace’ between an oppressive nation state committing apartheid and the peoples of an actual country continually being terrorized for existing in their own homeland, calling it the ‘palestine israel conflict’? no one has ANY valid excuse anymore to belittle a continual siege as a ‘conflict’, like it’s a fucking playground spat.

and perhaps besides the point a bit, but on top of all that—anne will let the public call her son a slag (since he was a CHILD), a cheater, a womanizer, a queerbaiter AND a zionist, but the second anyone’s come for his bald head? oh, now that’s just too much now!

so today alone, she can make a post and a story calling out people making fun of or talking about her nearly 30 year old child shaving his head, but the best she can do in terms of addressing ongoing genocide that over 290 british MPs voted no on a ceasefire towards, is making a story post implicating her further neutrality and whittling the situation down to being ‘fixed’ with that ugly ass fucking statue?

and for anyone who wants to jump down my throat or go after anyone else talking about this with claims of ‘well you don’t know what she’s doing or saying in private’ or getting mad we upset harry’s mummy—i think sharing this shit publicly tells you whereabouts she’s at on things! she posted 3 separate stories about some fucking boots she recently purchased or was given through sponsorship (tbh i wasn’t arsed to check the detail, all i saw was the same pic like 3 times on her available IG story) and a few others about some ted talk she attended and meeting the speaker there, then one about harry’s hair, and then made an actual POST about his hair and tagged it with TPWK….

she HAS a platform. she has over 2.8 million instagram followers alone. and this is what she chooses to prioritize, to push. there really is no excuse anymore, especially when you’re from one of the countries continually backing israel and voting no on intervening with their despicable terror! there are resources EVERYWHERE including constant updates on gaza, debunkings on the lies western and israeli propaganda are spreading, insights into the entirety of the apartheid, information on palestinian culture and values, on the true history of israel, holy books… what excuse is there to really be had at this point besides blatantly prioritizing your own comfort over the lives of thousands of occupied and terrorized and murdered people?

[cursedomain]

Same vine

tw: self harm & depression

I wonder if, when you made those choices, you thought of me. It plagues my mind as of recent, and I couldn't help but ask myself. I mean honestly, maybe I do have my issues and it makes me contradict if I can even as such things.

Satoru was usually on top of the measurement. He made sure you didn't overthink a lot. As of recent, he went on a trip for a week and was being a bit different. He mentioned a new friend, and your heart dropped.

You've had past issues where you couldn't trust people and had gotten cheated on, what made this different? It disappointed him when your trust showed. But could he truly blame you? Yes, and he did.

"You should trust I wouldn't do anything. Isn't it toxic to tell me I can't be friends with her?" Your heart dropped when you heard this. You pushed it more, you felt texting back and trying to push how uncomfortable you were was important.

She flirted with him, and even asked to be his wife when he didn't set boundaries that he didn't think were needed. To this, he responded calling your relationship toxic. You laughed, out of the fact you had been disrespected and outright pushed to your limit.

It was 12 am now. You sat in your bed after he went to sleep. Still states away, what could you really do? You called your friend, Shoko, she heard you out and agreed.

"Why would he back up a girl he just met? That's so stupid. He doesn't understand how easy it will be to make a close relationship and realize he's happier with her than you but that's also because they aren't dating so it's easier to be together." Her voice was annoyed, why would Satoru do this to you?

You and Satoru have been so well, he fixed issues you didn't think you could even fix. He was a good boyfriend and always valued you and your opinion. There were no other girl best friends it was just you, and now he clicked with a new girl, learned her trauma and even told you to stand down. He didn't bother to really know you were upset. It meant nothing as he thought it was toxic.

"You can have other girl friends, but please just not this one." You said this over and over trying to hold back from the sobs. He kept fighting you. Why would he keep talking to her if he knew it bothered you. Would he even care if it was vise versa? You knew you were down for him, but your past issues made you so bothered.

You went to your car, you turned a song on that felt right. You sat there, rereading all of your texts. You were so depressed by this point. You and Satoru have fought consistently, you felt like the relationship was coming to a end. You had now cut your arm multiple times. You knew your depression couldn't handle everything going on.

Soon you texted Suguru, you knew you needed help. As of recent, your grandma had fallen ill, and your boyfriend was states away and he couldn't support you through your consistent issues. You felt alone because this was never something you had gone through.

After explaining everything to Geto, he got upset. He told you that you pissed him off when you do things like this. "You're overthink really pisses me off because it's about the dumbest shit." You were taken about by the hostility in his message. He never would have done this in the past, but as of recent he has been pushing the limits on how he would speak to you. You let it pass usually though because Satoru wanted to make sure he kept friends.

There was a drop in your heart. You couldn't do much you felt so lost. Blood slowly moved from the cuts, you turned the car on and left your home. You couldn't do anything logically now. You needed the distraction so you drove. You and Gojo came from the same vine, you felt it was meant to be, why is this happening?

You didn't trust you were enough or that at this point you would get cheated on and it would be with the new girl best friend. Satoru told you that you knew nothing about her and you shouldn't judge her. Why was he defending her, you sobbed uncontrollably, you couldn't see the road anymore. Your mind was so overwhelmed. You didn't want to even live. You let your relationship control you and now you were stuck.

"So foolish, I thought I followed the precautions and I thought I was secure enough." You said this in between sobs. You wanted to find a parking garage and really ask yourself what you were doing wrong. Your heart hurt so much, your breathing was shallow and your jaw hurt from clenching it too many times. Your friends told you that as of recently, they don't think you've even been happy.

You started feeling drowsy and knew it was best to try and drive home. You knew pulling over for a nap was risky, so you drove home and went inside to your room. The mirror reflected how disheveled you were and your eyes, swollen, showed just how unhappy you were.

You took sleeping medicine and your body reacted poorly, the anxiety was worse and you were now shaking. how could he? You had to close your eyes and ground yourself. Your brain worked against you, making you feel worse wondering how this could happen.

As your body slowly relaxed, you thought about the few times he said reassuring things like how she wasn't around when he went somewhere, but why would he even say those things, he could have removed her from his life and your mind would never feel this. You started thinking about how maybe you were toxic, but that wasn't your fault that he did this to you. It was his fault.

You should've known better. But again, how could you when he drank the poison from the same vine as you?

[topknotstrunk]

Review Everything 24 - Evangelion 3.0+1.01 Thrice Upon A Time:

It’s the little details I love. Mari signing her song for her own entertainment while she waits to be deployed, the Grip Shoes literally having Grip Shoes printed on them, Mari’s blast impact crosses being pink, little things that make the world feel real and lived in. It’s one of my favorite details about eh original show, too.

Kinda cool getting to see everyone in their plug suits, but I do miss when the boys also had boobie armor.

Seeing other locations besides Middle of the Ocean, the whole earth, and Tokyo 3 was pretty cool. I dislike the red wash that literally everything has but that color is from the 3rd impact and hey, Post-Apocalypse gonna Post-Apocalypse. It’s really cool seeing normal color restored when the red gets wiped out, but the red is difficult to look at while it’s there.

I didn’t realize how much I missed the high-octane Eva battling things that weren't other Eva with the pilots all verbally sparring with each other until Mari’s fight at the beginning of this movie. Watching her pilot her injured Eva like a driver in a Fast and the Furious scene was incredibly fun. I really like Mari a lot, and I’m glad we get some screen time where she’s the feature this time.

At the same time I cannot get over how goofy the Wunder and half the enemy robots are. It really lives up to its name of being a Wunderwaffe with how goofy it is and all the shit its expected to do. Wunder being a battleship plus an arc to hold a backup of all the living material is… weird. Why would you bring your arc into battle where it could be easily destroyed? I guess having it be able to protect itself is smart, but its secondary nature, and the thing we see it spend most of its time doing benign fighting feels like bad strategy. At least they launched them into space for the final battle.

Speaking of big, silly robots I wonder if the row of walking robots in the Paris scene were meant to be an on purpose reference to the Can Can or not. Because if it’s not, that’s pretty funny, and if it is that’s hilarious, and either way it makes the enemy a little difficult to take seriously as a threat

I don’t know if this is actually true or if this is a thing I’ve picked up from Japanese media as a trope and am now projecting onto this movie, but my understanding is that Japanese culture has a much stronger “it takes a village” mentality when it comes to kids than the US has. And overall they seem, from an outsider’s perspective, to value the safety and comfort of everyone as a whole as highly or maybe more so than personal safety and comfort. If that is true it really does shine through in the way everyone is treating Rei in this movie. Sure, she’s a fuckin’ weirdo, but who isn’t these days? What’s more important is to answer her questions, teach her some stuff, and get her up  and working as a valuable member of society who can take care of herself and contribute what she can rather than mock or shun her. One thing benefits your personal emotions in the short term, and the other has the potential to benefit all of Humankind in the long term, with the guarantee of helping the person directly and those around her in the short term. Like one small example of this attitude is when Rei is helping plant rice seedlings and when she trips and falls backward onto all the hard work they’ve just done the ladies helping her learn to plant rice have a chuckle at her fall and then help her fix the issue. She isn’t scolded, she doesn't get in trouble or get punished, because Rei being comfortable and confident in her rice planting skills and everyone getting along is more important. It was cool to see that element of Japanese culture I’ve come to expect be true.

The depth of Shinji’s grief and trauma really hits in this movie. The joke in the fandom is that he’s a screechey little baby but he’s gone through a lot of shit, and this time it really feels real. Like this is how someone in that situation would actually react. It’s difficult to watch, but that’s part of what makes it work so well.

Most of the rest of the animation was either gorgeous to watch or impressive. A lot of the CG heavy scenes were not to my taste but I could recognize the skill that went into making them.

The one thing I was really hoping for from this final Rebuild movie was some forward movement. I want the story to go on, not loop back in on itself and start over again. Just because Shinji spends a lot of his time navel gazing doesn’t mean that the whole franchise should. I wasn’t looking for a good ending, or a bad ending, or even really an ending at all. I just want the story to start to move on, a hint that there is something more for these characters then to be stuck in a perpetual hell of Eva and Angel battles. And that’s pretty much what I got. Of course, I have been burned before, but until something comes out that argues this isn’t the ending of this version of Eva’s reality, I will believe that the ending we’re presented with is the true one.

I like the return, at the end of the movie, to Shinji talking to his Dad. The flashes of still images and sketches were a cool Homage to the original series that didn’t stick around long enough to become too corny. In this show based on inspiration from Christianity it made sense that Shinj’s Father was like Shinji in many ways, that Shinji had to atone for the sins of his Father, that Shinji had to sacrifice himself to rescue everyone. Being as big a Madoka Magica nerd as I am, it felt a little weird to have Shinji have his Madoka moment, but it worked, so that was all right. Seeing parallels in this version of Eva to two of my other all time favorite media, Madoka Magica and The Dark Tower series, that obviously says more about me and my interests then it does anything about Eva, but still. Indomitable Human spirit rising over and over from the ashes, ready to try anew once more, hoping for each result to be just a bit better than the last time. That’s the good shit. And man was getting to see those blue ocean waves at the end of the movie cathartic.

A criticism that has nothing to do with the movie but I want to complain about it anyway: Amazon’s X-Ray feature needs a retool. At 8:11 into the movie X-Ray is crediting Kaworu as being in the movie which, for me, was spoilers. I want the feature to either only ever show actors that are actively on screen [which I believe was the original intention] or for it to have to wait to show actors until AFTER someone says their name in the movie. I have this same complaint with  Closed Captioning. A character should be labeled something like Unknown until the audience actually sees who it is. Don’t tell me the reveal until the audience not using CC would also get it, geeze.

In summary: I think I liked this movie best out of all the Rebuild series. We really needed some time for Shinji and Rei to develop as characters, and Shinji was able to carry that growth forward through the movie. I am sad this is all there is to watch, but happy that I finally sat down and watched the movies, because now I’ve seen all of Eva.

Overall: 8/10

[vrell-is-not-alone]

#17: With a Whimper

My mind has always had an affinity for my own death, and now is no different. As stress piles on and hopelessness rises, it becomes stronger and stronger. I didn’t exactly have a favorable starting condition for this kind of thing either. My mother had suicidal tendencies growing up. There was a few times that I had to beg her to not do anything. I was just a kid. Talking down someone who should be my caretaker from killing herself. While at the same time she blames me as one of the main reasons she wanted to do it in the first place. You know, the type of thing that can mess up adults. Let alone a young kid. I may not remember much, but I distinctly remember that happening. I was also conditioned from a young age to believe that things can’t really get better. School was rough for me to the point that I became suicidal for the first time in early middle school. No matter what I tried, noone would help me. There was nowhere for me to go. Nothing I could do. And the adults around me didn’t do shit either. All they did was drug me up so I wouldn’t feel much. What does this tell a kid? Well, it told me that there is no fixing things. Things won’t get better. That I have to just suck it up and take it. I have largely accepted these facts. That I will never be someone important or interesting. That I will only be wanted for the utility I can provide, and discarded once that is gone. That all my value is predicated on servicing others. Some people in my life are trying to change that. But those lessons were beat in through years and years of trauma. They will take a long time to purge, if they ever do get altered or removed from me. And in the meantime, they sit and scratch at me. They drive my decisions and opinions towards myself and the world. And honestly, I think a fitting end to the story of someone like that would be the great backup plan. The things that lets them go out on their own terms, free the world of being burdened by them, escape their own struggles without bothering others, become a mere corpse rotting in a ditch under the soft sounds of a rainy night, and be forgotten to the indifferent march of time. That sad whimpering out of existence fits far better with someone like me than the other ways to go out. After all, this story is a grimdark tragedy. So, since I don’t believe I will make any real impact on the world, that things won’t change, then what is the point of not taking up the proverbial pen and finishing off my story instead of dragging it along unnecessarily? I’m not fully sure, to be honest. Maybe it is the few drops of hope that remain. Maybe I’m too stubborn. Maybe I’m too lazy. I dunno. But I don’t need to know. I do know something important though: whatever is holding me back gets thinner in times like this and I’m not sure if I hope it holds out or finally gives way. - Vrell, Depressed Trans Girl.

[steveharrington]

with the full knowledge that they probably won’t get the best endings bc the duffers don’t know what to do with their own characters, what would your ideal endings be for the st main characters? or like at least the ones you care about? like in an ideal world

this is so fun i’m gonna do as many as i can think of <3 i don’t think the duffers are gonna do a Huge time jump at the end of the series (i could b wrong) so i’m just gonna base these on like roughly anytime in the next year after s4

steve: ideally steve would not be in a romantic relationship and completely satisfied with this outcome. i’m not saying he should like Never get his little domestic dream but i think he needs some time to focus on himself instead of constantly weighing his self worth based on whether or not he’s romantically valued. i also think it would be nice if he found something that gave him fulfillment whether it be a specific job or hobby or even just like continuing to be best friends forever with robin <3

robin: i wouldn’t mind if she ended up with vickie because i genuinely like the way their relationship has been set up, but if she was single by the end too i’d be okay with that. mostly i want robin to get out of hawkins and meet other gay people and find a community where she doesn’t feel like an outsider. maybe make some weird art. and to continue being best friends forever with steve <3

nancy: i’m begging on my hands and knees for nancy to end the show single. i think she gravitates towards relationships because they feel safe to her, but she’s ultimately unsatisfied because she has goals and aspirations that don’t necessarily fit with steve/jonathan and i think she needs to just focus on herself without having to factor someone else into the equation. i think she should go to school for journalism, maybe start some kinda nonprofit, and help barb’s parents get their house back after murray SCAMMED their asses

jonathan: honestly i just want jonathan to have like….someone who acts as a consistent emotional support. doesn’t matter who it can be argyle it can be nancy in a platonic sense i just want him to be given the space to express his feelings without them always taking a backseat to someone else. i think a fun career for him would be music journalism

argyle: we don’t know shit about his personal life or his background but i just want him to be able to return to his life pre-vecna without too much trauma <3 like obv i want that for everyone but argyle especially is so happy go lucky and it would be so sad if he lost his vibes

max: god please i just want her to be happy and have peace. i want her to stay with lucas, romantically or platonically idrc i just want them to be Together in some sense and i want her to feel safe and happy that’s all i ask

lucas: same as above AND i want lucas to get to fully explore his identity with actual genuine support from his friends. i can see him going through high school trying a little bit of every club and hobby and group and i want him to just like grow into himself and have the freedom to do that <3

dustin: again happiness and safety PLEASE also idk how to explain this but i want dustin to like…lower his guard. i feel like in s1 & 2 he was much more trusting and had more faith in people vs s3 & 4 where he’s just constantly assuming that his friends are like incapable of doing anything? i know it’s just bad writing for bad jokes but i’m choosing to believe it’s his defense mechanism and his way of dealing with trauma by being like “well luckily i’m a genius and i’ll fix everything >:)” and i want him to like let go of that and be more carefree again

el: again this applies to all of them but for el especially i want her to have stability and to feel safe. i want her to get the family and home she craves so badly with joyce and hopper and jonathan and will, and i want her to get to try things out and shape an identity kinda like lucas. i want her to have a little bedroom where she can try out new hobbies and not have to worry about packing up because someone died again

mike: honestly this is the toughest for me to envision and i don’t really know why? like obv i want him to be happy feel safe etc but i can’t think of anything like Concrete for mike’s ending that i absolutely want to see. maybe just permanently reunited with his friends idk

will: i want willy b to feel comfortable and find joy in being gay and also come out to joyce <3 and maybe hopper <3 idk i want will’s story to go back to his family, the way it started, and for him to realize that he’s still very young and mike’s feelings don’t have to determine his personal happiness and i feel like the best way for him to reach this conclusion is just by knowing that his mom and brother will always have his back

erica: ugh god i want her to like finish middle school unscathed 😭 the writers ignore her feelings so much so it would be nice if for Once they let her acknowledge what she’s been through maybe via a conversation with lucas. idk why but out of all the characters i can really See erica getting therapy skdndnc like i think she’d enjoy it <3

joyce: lord idk i want joyce to somehow know with certainty that everything is Over and that she doesn’t have to be on alert anymore. that’s probably not plausible given the nature of the story and the fact that she’s naturally always going to look over her shoulder BUT i would be ecstatic if the ending somehow gave her this 100% surety that it was officially over

hopper: i just fucking want him to be el’s dad man <3 i want him to take her fishing and get her a pet cat and help her with homework at the table and do a bad job wrapping presents on her birthday like i just want him to live out the rest of his life with his #1 priority always being el <3

murray: in jail for scamming the hollands out of their house

[flashflashhundredyarddash]

batkids and their relationships with their siblings headcanons. under read more because this got fucking LONGGG

dick

dick is the eldest so he doesnt want to bog down his younger siblings with his problems, but if he DOES, he tends to talk to jason about it

dick and cass start to really begin to bond when Cass shows up to dicks gymnastics class for 3rd-6th graders and then cass shows up all the sixth graders and they get frozen yogurt after lmao

dick and tim are Very much thick as thieves. tim is very much like bruce on the Emotional Suppression scale, so dick just really wants to make sure his little brother is safe and happy ALL the time

Duke and Damian are the only two really permanently at the manor anymore, so when dick drops by he tries to do something with both of them. duke frantically zoom calls dick every other week to help him with his his trig homework. dick shows up to dukes high school graduation with literally the BIGGEST SIGN

everyone insists damian is dicks favorite but he does actually genuinely love all his siblings equally, his relationship with damian is just Very different from the others because of the age gap and being dami's primary caretaker for a year. dick babies dami every chance he gets

jason

would sell Dick to satan for One corn chip

him and cass don't have the greatest start to their relationship because cass is very much Against Killing so it takes a while for jason to warm up to her and earn her trust. now, though, jason is competing with steph by showing cass all the classic American Teenager things she missed out on. steph is currently winning but jason is like 98% positive a crunch wrap from taco bell is going to push him over the edge

tim and jason are currently competing over who can solve the most cases in a month. tim is winning. that won't last long.

jason Loves to Big Brother duke its so embarrassing. duke will get out of school and go to his car and jason is SITTING IN THE FRONT SEAT FRANTICALLY WAVING TO GET DUKES ATTENTION. JASON THAT IS MY CAR. signal has one (1) mission with arsenal and arsenal goes hey did you ask that girl to homecoming yet and duke is like I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU.

Damian is proof that Actually, Little Brothers are Pests. Jason fully believes that he was brought back from the dead PURELY to torment damian and he will fulfill this mission at any cost

cassandra

it actually really upset her when Dick didn't accept her at first. she knows her other siblings really adore dick so his lack of trust was really disheartening. it takes dick a while but once he Actually Accepts that cass is going to be a permanent part of their life and oh, wow, dick you really hurt her feelings he really hyperfocuses on bonding with cass for a couple of months which definitely improves their relationship

she really likes jason!! their relationship doesn't start well but because he's close with steph and tim who are cass's top two favorite people to exist ever, cass is like well i GUESS ill hang out with him more. jason is fun to talk to because he always tries his best to explain jokes and give context to what people are talking about (also tim took her to taco bell already but she didn't tell jason she just wanted to hang out)

cass LOVES tim. they just click okay. tim always seems to know when to give her space and when to push and come closer. Tim's "guest room" is just her room lets be real. tim and cass occasionally get mistaken for twins and Cass Loves it.

duke makes cass listen to metal once and cass loses. her. damn. mind. they bond over music a lot because they both Love Music to a degree the others in their family don't.

damian!! damian is her little brother!!! dami isn't As Hostile to cass at first because he is 100% aware cass has the edge in fighting and respects her. cass likes all of his instagram posts and they have a snapchat streak going

tim

tim Loves dick, dick was his first sibling!! he had Very strong hero worship when he first met dick but it mellowed out when tim got older because wow 17 is really not that cool and mature lol. tim has an open invitation to dick's apartment which he does occasionally take advantage of. tim has more than once scared the shit out of wally when wally comes over and wally is convinced they're being robbed (HA) for half a second. i mean. he's not wrong.

listen. tim understands that forgiving the guy who tried to kill you would be a Struggle for some people and it was! definitely! but also at least he can trust jason to, uh, be open about if he doesn't like tim. which is not an assurance he has with other people. so if the guy who tried to kill him tells him tim is cool now then like. maybe tim isn't that bad or annoying a person? also jason arrested a whole gang and won the cases competition but then it created a power vacuum that the whole batfam had to clean up the rest of the month. thanks, jason.

tim LOVES cass. you know how most of the time theres this empty feeling inside you and you just kind of ignore it because you don't know what will fix it or if you do, you know you can't fix it? cass makes that empty feeling feel a little less empty. they just click. tim always tries to travel with cass whenever she leaves gotham.

tim and duke. Tim is actually the sibling who duke goes to whenever he has questions he doesn't want to ask bruce or alfred about, like, life or vigilante-ing or school or college or whatever and Tim is always like yes!! i love Giving Advice and Solving Problems!! tim and duke and jason fill out their college applications together.

tim and damian. LMAO. ROUGH START THAT'S ALL ILL SAY. at some point alfred goes like fuck it. family therapy. and tim and dami are PISSED. tim and damian get along best when they have a common enemy to work against. their relationship gets much better when damian is older and they actually talk about their feelings like emotionally stunted bats. despite how bad their relationship was, tim will ALWAYS protect damian

duke

very much intimidated by dick at first. dick is so much older and has his own job and friends and life and is very much AN ADULT. dick likes to take duke out to do lots of cool stuff (paintball, lasertag, tech exhibitions, concerts, etc). also, dick PERSONALLY introduced duke to superman and is dating THE FLASH. 10/10 awesome big brother.

was intimidated by jason for 0.5 seconds before jason actually opened his mouth and started speaking. jason is literally. So Embarrassing. which is weird because nobody else really seems to feel that way about jason but duke knows he's 100% in the right here. like yeah jason is also An Adult and does Adult Stuff but he's also at the manor like every other weekend???? and he always complains about bruce but always seems to be in the same room bruce is in????? like okay jason. they bond over literature!! jason and duke and alfred will spend literal hours talking about books and duke loves it. duke is the only one who doesn't think jason is funny and jason gets so upset about it lmao.

cass has this one week where she gets really into photography and by virtue of being nearby (and also not nocturnal), duke becomes her victim subject. duke prints out all the pictures and hangs them up in his room (his favorite is one he took when he stole the camera and took a really bad selfie of them together).

tim is closest in age to duke so duke tends to hang around with him a lot. tim introduced duke to his young justice friends and duke is like yes!!! meta-friends!!!! tim really helps duke out with his powers because tim is always like wow i wonder if your powers would work if we did This? can you see farther than other people? is your visible spectrum of light different than other humans? Bruce does the same thing but bruce is boring about it lol.

damian and duke live in the same house and will be in the same room and just send each other social media posts back and forth. they follow each other on instagram and will, OCCASIONALLY, make tik toks together because they're tik tok fiends. each of his siblings have visited his parents once or twice but damian routinely comes with him.

damian

damian gets a special bullet point to say that it took him. forever to come around to the idea of having siblings. he very much believed that he was Bruce's Blood Son and everyone else were just tagalongs or allies. it took him ages to acknowledge that dick, jason, tim, and cass were his siblings, so when duke came and like a week later damian was like Ah, Yes, this is my brother Thomas everyone else was like dude wtf

listen. LISTEN. Obviously. Richard is very highly skilled. and also Father values him highly. and also Richard will listen to Damian complain about his schoolmates. and also Richard is much more patient with Damian than other members of his family. listen....,,, (all this to say damian kind of fucking adores dick lmaooooo this kid).

Todd is kind of unbearable but damian has been informed this is both a normal feeling when it comes to Todd and also big brothers. damian was an only child for ten years so yes, Father, if Todd attempts to tickle me I WILL break his fucking nose. yes i WILL put money in the swear jar but I want you to know i don't regret it. they always try to sneak up on each other but mostly fail.

DRAKE!!! but no lol once damian grows up and is like I Apologize for attempting to murder you it was wrong and you are just as much a son to Father as I am tim is like UGH i guess its cool since ur being so emotionally mature and all. also im 2 for 5 on siblings trying to murder me so im definitely going to win trauma bingo and damian is like i take it back you are insufferable. When Will My Older Siblings Stop Joking About Their Trauma.

CASS!!! listen. cass is cool. Cass Gets It. They have a special Bond. also damian really likes it whenever cass is home because 1) he gets to hang out and do something cool with cass and 2) he feels significantly safer with cass in the house because Nobody will be able to hurt any of their family if Cass is there. ALSO he tries to call her cain but everyone is like DONT DO THAT and he doesn't want to call her wayne bcus theyre ALL wayne (dick adds it on as a middle name but also Richard John Wayne West-Grayson is just. the lamest name ever so dick needs to reconsider it before his upcoming nuptials)((dick will not reconsider it except maybe whether grayson-west would work better)) and so he tries cassandra but cass is like :) call me cass and damian is like cassandra is more formal and respectful and cass is like :) and finally damian just has to give in.

Duke! him and duke actually live together so they get the Most Bonding Time and have a bunch of inside jokes as a result. (is it bad i wanted to laugh because inside jokes... joker... i'll see myself out). they're eating breakfast together (and also alfred sits with them IM NOT A MONSTER ALFIE'S LIKE 70 NOW OKAY) and duke laughs and bruce is like what are you laughing at, son? and duke is like oh damian just showed me this funny meme and then he shows the phone to bruce and bruce grabs it (both the boys groan) and after WAY TOO LONG is like "i don't get it" and so now duke and damian have to try and explain the comedic intricacy of bob's burgers

[stop-breaking-my-heart-telltale]

Can we take a moment to talk about what a tragic character Minerva is? Y’all know that for the longest time I haven’t been the biggest fan of her, and honestly I’m still not? but I think I might’ve had a breakthrough on why that is. 

Whenever I’ve asked around to see why people find her so appealing or why they consider her their favorite, I’ll get answers like, “she’s such a complex character and she deserved a redemption arc!” or “she should’ve come back to the school with us! Let Minnie be happy, you cowards! Telltale did her dirty! I could write paragraph after paragraph about her!” all sorts of things along those lines… but like, no one seems to want to actually talk about her. I find that interesting? Since when I do follow up with a “care to explain further?” I get nothing. Radio static. Like…. no, talk to me please, I just wanna understand-

Minerva within the context of TFS is such a tragedy. She grew up in a school for troubled youth where all the adults left them for death at the start of the breakout, they had walkers trying to eat the living all around them, and I’m sure she saw her fair share of traumatic violence and despair… but on the bright side, she always had her twin sister, Sophie, and little brother, Tenn. She had her friend and eventual girlfriend, Violet. She had music, and a dorm full of pretty paintings done by Sophie. She and Louis composed a song together to make everyone feel better. There are worse places to live than the school. 

Then one day she got traded away to a bunch of raiders against her will, having no idea what the hell these people were gonna do to her and Sophie. They were made to be soldiers to fight in a war that had nothing to do with them. The delta fucking broke her. If we’re to believe Lilly’s story about the twins, they started their brainwashing process early on when Sophie was still alive, and it seems like Minerva was easier to control as Sophie was still planning a way out and causing trouble. Then, when Sophie convinced her to steal a boat and get the hell out, they got caught and the delta forced her to murder her own twin sister. 

Like…. I’m sorry, not only did Minerva kill her own sister, but she was made to believe that was the right thing to do? That line she says about how she had to prove her loyalty to the place she calls home? That shit’s ingrained in her brain, you can tell that isn’t the first time she’s heard or said that very thing. That is what made her family to the delta. Delta is her home now, her family. Sophie was just a thing that needed to be dealt with. You keep your head down, do as you’re told, and you survive.  You survive and you get to go home, eat a hot meal, take a shower, and be with your delta family.  If not, you end up like Sophie.

What’s also fucked is that Minerva actually cares about these people now. Think about that. After everything they did to her and made her do, she’s been trained to see them as her family and obey. When you save Louis and he kills Dorian, Minerva actually cries out and is visibly hurt by her death. When she’s with the other raiders on land, she's screaming at walkers to get away from them. She cares about the people who made her kill Sophie… and no one ever talks about that??

She fucking hates Clementine. Clementine is just another thing in Minnie’s way. I know the part of the fandom likes to ship these two together and they think it’s hot when they fight and shit, but within the canon text, Minerva wants Clementine gone. Dead. She is the thing stopping her from having her old family merge with her new family. If Clementine hadn’t made them fight, they all would’ve been captured and they’d all be a delta family now. She would’ve had Tenn back. 

Clementine is the problem, she made everyone fight back and that’s why people are dead. Minerva hates her for it… it’s not a “I hate you but like the sexual tension, y’know?” that I see people pretend it is, it’s “you are ruining everything and if I have to, I will kill you myself and I won’t give a second thought about it when they toss your body overboard.”

Like….. seriously, think about how fucked up all of this is. Minerva is a husk of who she was before she was taken away. Sure, you do have to keep in mind that when Tenn and Violet are describing her, their sights are a bit clouded, y’know? But I do believe that she was someone who was kind and cared about people, she wanted to make people feel safe and comforted. 

Now she’s a brainwashed soldier who won’t help the people she used to call friends when they’re about to get limbs cut off. She won’t hesitate to knock someone unconscious or threaten a child.  She’s willing to trick them into being captured with no regard for what’s going to happen to them. … all she knows is this was the mission, and now they all get to be together again back at the delta. 

Then when she finds out there’s a bomb on the boat, she ditches Violet to blow up with it in order to make it to land herself. She loses her shit seeing everyone die and gets her face chewed off by a walker… and then she tries to blow Clementine and AJ up with a grenade. 

Oh, and who can forget the fact that she tracks the group down with plans of murdering Tenn so that they can go to a better place together? And she’ll take down anyone who gets in her way?

Like….. jesus christ, Minerva’s waaaaay too far gone. It’s awful. 

I think that’s what stumps me about why she’s so loved in the way that she is. It’s not that I don’t understand why she’s complex and well-written, I get that perfectly fine. She’s a compelling character study when you comb over all her scenes and take different factors into account.

What I don’t understand is why we tend to just throw everything interesting about her away? For what? 

These days, I never see anyone talking about any of this unless they’re insisting she deserved a redemption arc which…. Eh, I’ll touch on this later. What I mostly see here and mostly other platforms is how great it would be if she and Clementine made out, or hey what if she and Violet got back together if she did come back to the school? Or they just….the best term I have for this is “uwu-ify.” As in she’s reduced to a caricature of a tall, pretty, mean, white lesbian who has “good damage.” 

People insist that Telltale are cowards or bastards because their predictions of her turning on the delta to save Clem and crew didn’t happen. Instead, Minerva ends up being the final baddie you gotta get away from, and she ends up taking someone down with her. But did you really expect to just do a 180 and suddenly decide being brainwashed for over a year was lame and Clementine and friends are cool? Gonna help them out and be with Tenn again? Sure, there’s some left over trauma but love conquers and fixes everything, right?

Uh…. no? That’s not how people work? Honestly, if we entertain the idea that Minerva wasn’t bit and somehow didn’t murder Clementine when they all got back to the school…. romance is the last thing she is ever gonna think of??

I think that’s what bothers me most when reading these au’s and rants about redemption and the entire idea of clemerva as a whole. It’s the same thing that I see happen with Violet- Minerva only has value to fans if she’s in a wlw relationship. By herself, she doesn’t matter. They don’t care about her canon story, they don’t care about Sophie, they don’t care about discussing what could’ve happened if she and Tenn reunited under better circumstances or had a healing recovery together. But why?

Throwing a girlfriend at her isn’t some band aid that’s gonna cover up all the bad she went through?? Having an enemies to lovers romance with Clementine isn’t going to fix a years worth of brainwashing, trauma or the fact that she murdered her own sister and the delta told her she's proved her worth to them?? 

Having the support of those around her is a good thing, don’t get me wrong. The idea of the Ericson crew as a whole trying to help her out and do the best they can to accommodate her is bittersweet since there’s only so much they can do. They’re not trained therapists, which is what Minerva would need and plenty of years ahead of her to work through and come to terms with everything that happened as well as taking steps forward. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t have friends or that she couldn’t have a healthy romantic relationship someday... but that isn’t the solution, y’know? 

I don’t know how else to explain this, but it makes me feel weird that all of this stuff is flat out overlooked or doesn’t appear to matter to fans of her. 

Look, I get it. We all want these characters to be happy. AU’s are a thing, after all. Sometimes we want to forget about the bad things and focus on the good that bring us comfort. You wanna gush about the idea of an AU where the twins never got traded, the raiders didn’t exist, and Clementine got to meet them the way they were before? I feel that, AU’s are super comforting and fun to explore, and my point isn’t to try and shame anyone who has an AU you like this. 

Hell, you think I don’t have days where I pretend mute Louis isn’t a thing because the whole concept of Louis having his tongue cut out of his mouth breaks my fucking heart? No, lot’s of days I just want to forget everything about that route, I want to set aside all the bad and just intake as much clouis fluff as I can get…. But that doesn’t mean I always ignore or refuse to acknowledge the bad just because I don’t like it. I fucking hate the fact that Louis loses his tongue when you don’t save him, but guess what? That’s a canon route you can play, just like any other route, and the possibilities that come with a mute Louis are vast and compelling. 

This is how it is for me… my favorite characters are my favorite for a reason, and I take all the bad with the good. Louis isn’t perfect, and I don’t want him to be. I was to dive into his backstory about why did that to his parents, I like to talk about what he went through with Marlon’s murder and his feelings about AJ and Clementine at the point, I like to view his love of music as bittersweet. He can stand on his own, and while he is a love interest for Clementine, that isn’t his only purpose. 

I know everyone’s different, they express their love for characters in their own ways, but I do have a genuine question: do you guys actually like Minerva?

Believe it or not, I’m not trying to step on toes or make everyone feel defensive which I know is how people will react to this. “You’re just saying all of this to make us feel bad for shipping clemerva! You don’t even like Minnie so you don’t get to say shit!” yeah yeah, I hear you and look, it’s true that she’s not my favorite character. I know I’ve said I hate her in the past but upon reflection and throwing out fandom interpretations.... I don’t hate her. I get it now. She’s a great character study to dissect and analyze and I think she deserves more than what the writers and the fandom have given her. 

And yeah, what I do hate is clemerva, and I’ve explained why. It’s not for me, it makes me uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, who cares? Me not liking it doesn’t mean anything to those who create AU’s for them. They have their reasons, they can do as they please as long as they’re not hurting anyone. I’m just here pointing out things I see and things that bother me in hopes of starting a discussion.

There’s my ramble about Minerva. I’m gonna go make some tea now. 

[rabidpotato]

I have Castlevania brain rot send help

Ho boy. I have FEELINGS.

Season 4 spoilers and (longwinded) Discourse(TM) below the cut

A happy ending? In MY Castlevanias? It’s more likely than you think. With as grimdark as the series has been I fully expected to have my heart torn out and shat on, so to get an actual satisfying happy ending was a whole lungful of fresh air. Gimme that sweet sweet rush of Everybody Lives Nobody Dies, I need that shit pumped straight into my poor serotonin-starved brain.

What a hell of a season. There was enough material there for at least two seasons (and I would have LOVED to have two seasons, but that’s just because I’m greedy and want more…) and I was skeptical that they could even try to wrap up all those threads..and then they DID IT. Hot damn.

Hot Takes:

In this house we stan Greta and will tolerate no disrespect against our sword-and-hammer wielding queen. I love her, and I love her and Alucard’s dynamic with the deliberate parallels to Dracula and Lisa. I think she’s good for him.

TREVOR AND SYPHA UGH I JUST LOVE THEM SO MUCH I’m out here crying ugly tears at how much this stinky himbo and tiny nuke love each other ;______; Battle Couple OTP.

I would watch the shit out of an entire season of everybody building the new village and Trevor and Sypha learning how to be parents and Alucard and Greta getting closer and everybody just being HAPPY. This is because I am trash, not because there would actually be any storytelling value in such a thing. Same thing with onscreen kisses between Trevor and Sypha. Is it necessary? No. Doesn’t mean I don’t want it. But hey, that’s what fandom is for, right? I’ll just be over here drawing beetus-inducing fluff and being vaguely disgusted with myself.

Papa Trevor would be so soft. I think my ovaries just exploded.

I 100% expected Trevor to die and leave Sypha grieving and pregnant with the way they teased it in the trailer and the way it would have thematically fit with the rest of the series, and I am SO GLAD he didn’t. I’m tired of sad endings. I really love that he gets to be part of this world of people who know how to build things.

“I love you.” “I know.”

That single flash of Sypha’s face as he’s fading out knowing he’s going to die and being at peace with it, augh my fucking heart. T_T

Horse is secret MVP. That horse knows things.

Isaac confirmed for a) stand user and b) monster fucker. King out here living his best life, you love to see it.

But for reals tho, Isaac’s arc was one of my favorites. Nice fakeout with the conquest line in the trailer. The philosophical discussions on the nature of humans and night creatures, the way he comes to realize that he (and Hector, and by extension his own night creatures) is/are more than a tool to be used in the hands of others, the way he reclaims his own agency and decides he’s going to live...I fucking loved it. (Also paves the way for post-series forgehusbands…)

SO FUCKING HAPPY FOR STRIGA AND MORANA. I was holding my breath expecting them to get horribly killed the entire time and then they just...weren’t. The hot vampire wives got to literally ride off into the sunset (sunrise?) together, in a way that made sense. The General and the Organizer looked at the data on the ground, discussed, and made the calculated decision to stick with what really matters to them, not just Carmilla’s ambitions. More of this, please! Would have loved to see Striga fight more than once, though. Also I would shank a man for Morana’s cape.

Respect for Carmilla for going out on her own terms, even if it did feel a little heavy-handed. The cinematography of her and Isaac’s fight sure as hell made up for it though- that was one of the prettiest fights of the series.

Reunited trio’s fight was the other prettiest fight of the series. Holy fuck, what gorgeous animation.

I actually liked that St Germain’s lady friend never spoke- it reinforced the way that he has mythologized her to the point where she’s not even a person, just an ideal. It was also exactly what he deserved that she turned her back on him in the end. She’s just not that into you, bro.

Varney is a hoot. A greasy, flea-infested slimy hoot. Nice twist, too. Death’s design is *chef kiss*

Loved the themes of moving on and rebuilding and change and how there’s a pretty clear split between the people who are able to adapt and change (and live), and those “relics of the old world” who can’t or won’t. Ratko was criminally underused in this respect. I think there just wasn’t enough time.

Quibbles:

Pacing. I know Castlevania is notorious for uneven pacing, but in this case I think this is on Netflix- they should have been given a full two seasons to wrap this up, just to give things a chance to breathe. As it was, though, I think the writers did the best possible job given the constraints they were under.

Zamfir should have lived to learn the lesson about caring for the people who are still alive, and been the one to take charge of rebuilding Targoviste for the living. Having her die was straight-up pointless in a predictable way.

Did Trevor just straight-up forget he has TWO weapons with range when fighting Ratko? You have like a 30 foot reach what are you doing bro

Lenore is Problematic, and I wish there had been more tension between her and Hector. Like, I know Stockholm Syndrome is a thing, but he’s weirdly chill with her in a way that glosses over just what she did to him. Also I would have liked to see more self-awareness of “Oh, being a pet in a cage really is shitty, no matter how nice the cage. Now I know why what I did to you was wrong” before she dips. Her ending sure was poetic, though.

Wasn’t Trevor’s left arm broken in that last fight? How the heck is he even able to use it at the end? Also damn dude it’s been two weeks you should probably at least have washed those gaping wounds by now. Do you want sepsis? Because that’s how you get sepsis.

Unpopular Opinions:

Look I love Dracula/Lisa as much as the next shipper but “Hey we’re alive again for some reason!!” was totally out of left field. It felt like something out of a fix-it fic and it was just kinda baffling and jarring. Also go see your fucking kid, jfc you two are terrible parents.

Is Lisa just...kinda fine with the fact that Dracula tried to commit genocide in her name and almost killed their son? That must have been an awkward conversation.

I’m actually cool with Alucard spilling his life story to Greta on the march. He’s starving for human interaction, who’s to say he wouldn’t just want to TALK about what he’s been through? It’s treated in a way that’s a bit flippant for my taste, but we’ve seen enough of his trauma onscreen. I want to focus on his healing.

I’m hesitant to kick this particular hornet’s nest, but I really don’t think the ot3 has to be sexual? If it is, it damn well be an ot4 polycule with Greta. I see them more as two couples that are close friends and found family. But that’s the great thing about fandom! Rock on, shippers of all flavors, there’s room enough for everybody.

In Conclusion (jesus fuck how much did I write)

Castlevania pretty

Have you seen my braincell I think I misplaced it

Moar plz

[nothing-more-than-hot-leaf-juice]

Zutara. My otp since I first watched as a 10 year old in 2005. Hopefully you'll be kind to them 😉 I'm convinced they'll be cannon in the live action 😅

Alright... *starts digging grave*, I think Katara and Zuko have a wonderful platonic relationship and for them to have a romantic relationship would (1) undermine Zuko’s redemption arc and (2) undermine the found family aspect of their friendship. I don’t have an issue with anyone who ships Zutara and I do not engage in shipping drama, but I think their platonic relationship is too damn important to favor a romantic relationship I don't really think has chemistry. 

Personally, I have never gotten romantic vibes from them like... at all? I think the progression of their friendship was important in terms of the show’s themes of forgiving those who deserve it and finding support in people you least expect, but I just don’t get chemistry from them. I’ve always been a Kataang fan but how I feel about Zutara has nothing to do with that. Avatar is one of those shows where I would have been totally fine with it ending with no romantic pairings because the found family aspect of it is so much more powerful. 

If anyone has spent 5 seconds on my blog, you know that Zuko is my favorite character and I think he deserves nothing but love and support after all the shit he went through. But a big aspect of why I care about him as a character is that he put the work in to make amends. He didn’t just show up one day saying “I’ve seen the error of my ways, sorry for all the stuff I did, I’m good now” and that was that. He had to work for forgiveness and he did it because he realized the fire nation was wrong, his father was wrong, and he was wrong. His decision to switch sides had nothing to do with any connection with the gaang because he didn’t really know them. His decision to switch sides stemmed from 3 very important things: 

(1) He felt guilty not for betraying Aang and Katara in Ba Sing Se, but Iroh. He realized his uncle was the person who had given him unconditional love while Azula and Ozai’s “love” for him was entirely dependent on his ability to provide them results. From this guilt, he was able to realize that his uncle had made the right decision in siding with the Avatar and more importantly, that Ozai was wrong and that all the abuse he endured under him was undeserved. 

(2) His experiences in the Earth Kingdom as a refugee. This post explains it really well, but Zuko’s realization that everything he’s believed about the Fire Nation has been wrong is rooted in his moment of empathy with Song and her matching burn scar, his empathy with Lee who lost his brother like Zuko lost Lu Ten, his empathy with Jet who lost his way going to extremes for a cause, and, yes, his empathy with Katara who’s mother was taken from her by the Fire Nation like his was. The reason he switches sides is because after all of those experiences, he can no longer be callous or unfeeling towards the Earth Kingdom like his father or sister. The people of the Earth Kingdom either empathized with him for the pain he went through and appreciated him for his desire to help the helpless (Song, Lee, Jet) or feared and hated him for being part of a country that caused their suffering (Lee, Lee’s mom, Jet, Katara). Throughout season 2, Zuko realized the extent of what the war meant for the other side. 

(3) The realization of the extents his father would go to and the truth about Ozai’s amorality. This point is kind of just the culmination of everything in the last two points, but all that set up comes to fruition when Zuko attends the war meeting where Ozai decides to use Sozin’s Comet to commit genocide. By this point he’s racked with guilt over what he did to Iroh, he’s empathized with people who have suffered and is coming to terms with the fact that it’s not only the people of the earth kingdom that have unnecessarily suffered because of Ozai, but him as well. In that meeting, he expresses adoration for the Earth Kingdom being proud and strong and Ozai’s response is to burn it to the ground. It’s the same treatment he gave Zuko at the Agni Kai when he stuck to his morals and refused to fight and was met with abject cruelty. At that meeting, Zuko realizes that his father is wrong and that he was always wrong. He realizes that millions of people will suffer at the hands of this man who is so incredibly wrong and lacking in empathy. 

SO, keeping all that in mind. His redemption arc doesn’t stop when he switches sides, it keeps going as he makes individual amends with Aang, Sokka, and Katara. It keeps going as he learns from the dragons, as he chooses what he believes in over his girlfriend, as he risks his life to protect the gaang from Azula, and as he tries to help Aang, Sokka, and Katara find emotional closure in different aspects. He helps Aang overcome his fear of firebending. He helps Sokka regain his honor. And he helps Katara address her grief regarding her mother’s death. These four episodes are some of the best in the series because it’s not just Zuko working to make amends because he wants them to trust him, but it’s him empathizing with their trauma, their guilt, and their fear of failure because he’s been there. 

Alright, that’s a whole essay regarding why Zuko’s redemption arc works, now what does this have to do with Zutara? Here’s the deal: if any aspect of Zuko’s decisions for his redemption were influenced by romantic attraction to Katara, it would undermine the meaning of his choices for him. He made the choices to be better because he empathized with a nation of people who needlessly suffered. He made the choices to be better because he learned to cut himself off from the need to please his abusive father and accept the unconditional love of his uncle. His choice to help Katara find her mother’s murderer stemmed from empathy and his desire to be better than the people who hurt him and hurt others. The reason Katara’s resentment towards him hurt him so much was because he was trying so hard to be better than the people that were feared and hated. Katara treated him like Lee’s mom and Jet did when they realized he was a firebender (that being said, Katara was justified since Zuko’s decision to side with Azula resulted in the fall of Ba Sing Se and nearly resulted in Aang’s death), and he didn’t want to be that person. He didn’t want to be hated or feared anymore and he was willing to do anything to move past being viewed like that. So Katara’s decision to finally forgive him? It’s the point where she realizes he’s able to empathize with her over his mother’s death where her mother’s killer could not. She realized that he was different and had changed because he put the work in. And that’s huge for his redemption, not for any kind of forming relationship because that’s not the point. 

Now, concerning the whole found-family aspect I love so much? Zutara as a romantic pairing would undermine the beauty of Zuko’s ability to find a loving, supportive group of people that he was missing his entire life. Katara does not work as a romantic partner for Zuko because she works as his replacement sister. The fact is that Zuko’s actual family experience was founded on fear and not love, but the idea of “usefulness”. Zuko and Azula were only valued by Ozai so much as they were useful to him, which is why he favored (not loved) Azula, she was useful to him and Zuko wasn’t until he “slayed the Avatar”. Iroh (and Ursa for a time) was the only person who showed him unconditional love and support, but that wasn’t enough to snap him out of the need to please Ozai. Zuko rooted his entire self worth in what his family thought of him and engaged in very self-destructive behavior throughout season 1 to prove himself because he “didn’t want [his] father to think [he was] worthless”. Even throughout season 3, he still thinks that his uncle’s love for him is conditional (”my uncle hates me I I know it”) until he’s proven otherwise because that’s what he’s been taught. So him joining the gaang, that’s the first time in his life he’s really met with the concept of people liking him for himself, not for his ability to be useful (his family, Jet) or because they think he’s someone he’s not (Song, Lee, Jin). He’s met with friendship: people making fun of him in a playful way instead of tearing down his insecurities and vulnerabilities (”mind if I watch you too jerks do your jerkbending?” “so all we need to do is make Zuko angry, that should be easy enough”, “look, it’s baby Zuko!”, “actually I think [the play portrayal] is pretty spot-on”), people trying to help him fix his problems (”you need to go back to the original source”) instead of making him feel weak for not being able to solve those problems in the first place, and showing him express appreciation and encouragement (”you’re pretty smart”, “to Zuko, who knew after all the times he tried to snuff us out, today he’d be our hero”, “I’m going with Zuko!”). And that’s so. Damn. Important for his ability to heal after how he was treated for his entire life. He’s introduced to the idea that people want him to be around and they want to include him in their circle for being him. Up until the finale, he doesn’t know if he’ll be able to reconcile with Iroh or if Iroh will accept his forgiveness, but these people have given him a home in their group and he’s not afraid or insecure around a group of people for the first time in his life. 

And that’s why Katara has to be the one to defeat Azula: because Azula couldn’t be the sister Zuko had and Katara could be. It’s a tragedy that Zuko and Azula were driven apart by Ozai pitting them against each other, the corruption of firebending throughout the ages so it’s regarded for its power rather than its energy, and Azula’s own insecurities and fears of losing power because, like Zuko once did, she only considers herself to be worth anything so long as she’s better than him. The abuse he endured had an effect on her to because so long as she saw that Ozai’s “love” for Zuko was conditional, that meant that his “love” for her was conditional as well (”you can’t treat me like Zuko!”). Zuko and Azula could never support each other and they could never trust each other in the way that Sokka and Katara could. They wouldn’t sacrifice anything for each other because they were conditioned to survive, to leave behind the lesser sibling in order to get ahead. But at the Agni Kai, Zuko jumps in front of the lighting for Katara because unlike Azula, she has supported him since she forgave him and is there to back him up. She thinks he can be Firelord and she thought his uncle could forgive him in a way that Azula just never could. And that’s why Katara has to be the one to defeat Azula. Not because of any romantic attraction for Zuko, but because he’s protected Aang and Sokka and her and Toph and their little found family. It’s because he’s one of them. So in that moment where Azula is defeated, screaming and sobbing because she’s lost and that means that she’s the weaker sibling, she’s gone and it’s tragic. Zuko looks upon her and he wishes it didn’t have to be like this, but it is and it’s tragic. It didn’t have to be how it was but it did and it was awful and Azula is left broken, hating her brother with murderous fury. But he’s not alone.

He has a new sister who will protect him and fight for him when he’s lost his own. 

(addition: I want to make it clear that this does not mean I think Azula is irredeemable. Her actions and outlook are 100% a product of Ozai’s abuse, as I explained. I do not think that’s she’s beyond redemption, but by the finale she was still a villain and her goal was still to kill her brother so she could be Firelord. That’s not to say that she couldn’t have eventually healed and been able to reconcile with him, but by the final Agni Kai that’s not where their relationship was. The fact that she and Zuko had a toxic relationship was not her fault, but they still had a toxic relationship built on distrust and competition where Zuko and Katara’s friendship was built on support and protection. I am entirely sympathetic towards Azula, but just because she was redeemable doesn’t mean she was redeemed and just because there was potential for her and Zuko to eventually have a better relationship doesn’t mean that they did by the end of the series.) 

[aiyexayen]

re: that "I'll live for you post" - WHERE'S THE ESSAY

this post? [innocent face]

alright, alright, JUST TWIST MY ARM WHY DON'T YOU, just force me to talk more about my boys!

4.9k word essay under the cut

Wei Wuxian

Let us take a look at Wei Wuxian first. Wei Wuxian has no problems throwing himself in-between the people he loves and danger, or even certain death. Hell, sometimes he just throws himself into it for fun and profit!

To some extent, putting yourself in danger to help others and being willing to die is something of a cultivator thing in general, a hero thing in general, right? And Wei Wuxian is a prodigy, exceptionally strong and clever, so he has more reason than most to be a little cavalier. But most of the point of training so hard as a cultivator and getting strong and aligning yourself with a sect is kind of so you can be in real danger of dying as little as possible, one would presume.

So we're going to set aside the danger-as-a-profession thing for now, because I think it's only tangentially related.

The real point is, Wei Wuxian is sacrificial to a fault. If there is a problem, he decides he's the one who needs to fix it. And his first go-to solution is to throw himself at it, to give up anything of himself if it's viable. As clever as he is, if he finds a workable solution that involves his own sacrifice, he doesn't stop to look for anything else.

Some of it is pride--not wanting to admit he needs help from anyone else, and the shame of being seen as weak.

Some of it is arrogance--a very natural kind given his competence, the presumption that he knows best in a given situation (neurodivergent arrogance walking hand-in-hand with self-esteem issues is always a fun time).

Some of it is appropriate--ranging from his own moral imperative to protect the weak and do what's right to his understanding of his place in culture and in his own sect and relationships.

Some of it is a natural bent toward caretaking, "fixing," and heroics--someone has to do it, so it's going to be Wei Wuxian. He won't hesitate to take initiative in any other area of life, and this is no exception.

And some of it, yes, is a lack of value placed in his own life--between a more youthful, dramatic perspective on 'I would die for you/for this cause' taking priority in his worldview, and some genuine self-esteem issues. Issues largely stemming from his uncertain place in the world growing up and his uncertain relationship with parental/guardian/master and other familial figures, all stewing under the surface and brought to light sharply when the world went to shit and choices were made and he lost or seemed to have lost everything from his reputation to his home to his extant support structures. The paranoia and voices in his head (the ptsd and resentful-energy-as-ptsd-metaphor both) only drove that home.

Basically, Wei Wuxian was already trending in some unfortunate directions but his circumstances and the people surrounding him kept him grounded, and the events of the story as it unfolded really pushed him all in. No one thing or one person--even Wei Wuxian himself--is really to blame for that, which is the beauty of the story really.

I also think Wei Wuxian started to buy into some of his own stories at his lowest points--the things he said or came up with, lies he told publicly, justifications he made for his choices once the heat of the moment and the panic was over. Justifications he made to himself and to others. He purposefully led people to believe much that was incorrect about him and his character and his status, to which the response was distaste and horror, and even though he planned it that way in order to push everyone away I really think he started to believe it himself. Depression and trauma are just really fun times.

I'm getting a bit off-topic.

The point remains, Wei Wuxian is extremely sacrificial. He comes by much of it naturally, and not nearly all of it is bad or melodrama or angst or even unhealthy or problematic. It's one of his good qualities, too, and it's one of the ways he knows how to love.

All of the threads weaving together to make Wei Wuxian and the situations he finds himself sacrificing things in are all true, but it also really comes down to love. He loved Jiang Cheng enough to sacrifice his everything and risk his life doing so. He loved his sect enough he was willing to sacrifice his right hand. He loved his sect enough to sacrifice his very ties to it. He loved Lan Zhan enough to sacrifice their friendship. He loved Jin Ling enough to sacrifice himself to the curse he got in the Nie tombs. (And more!)

Wei Wuxian loved, and so he sacrificed. Thus, the initial post.

Jiang Cheng

Let's switch gears for a moment and talk about my darling Jiang Wanyin.

Ah, Jiang Cheng, Jiang Cheng. Taking the initiative and sacrificing at the drop of a hat and so forth are not really characteristics of Jiang Cheng's the same way they are for Wei Wuxian.

And yet, is he not also a disciple of Yunmeng Jiang; is he not also a young hero? Has he not pride, and the incentive to do good?

Does he not also see love as sacrifice?

Zi Zhizhu was his mother. The woman who sacrificed to get Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian to safety. The woman who killed herself and crawled across the ground to hold her husband's hand in death.

You think she wasn't Like That the whole time? You think Jiang Cheng picked up nothing of such behaviours from her, even before that day?

Hah.

Besides which, there's absolutely an underlying theme of Jiang Cheng trying to be like Wei Wuxian for much of their lives.

Partially just...Wei Wuxian, strong and clever and popular shige, always manages to get credit and glory and good stories and good favour, exemplary of the Jiang motto--the one Jiang Cheng's own name is tied to. They were supposed to be shuangjie, besides. How could he not want to be like him at least a bit? If nothing else, it's a little brother's curse.

And partially this is also due to Jiang Cheng's parents and that whole Situation.

It was complicated for so many reasons, and absolutely left Jiang Cheng feeling inferior to Wei Wuxian. As though he needed to be more like Wei Wuxian, to emulate him, in order to be worthy of his title and station and inheritance, something that turned out to be categorically untrue in the end. There are many kinds of leaders, and many kinds of strengths.

As an aside, I personally think that's something Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan knew, themselves, as adults and leaders and political figures in their own rights. Adults often don't realise or think about how the things they say can influence children's entire worldviews and senses of self (why, no, I don't speak from experience, why would you ask such a thing ahaha).

Jiang-zongzhu and Zi Zhizhu got a lot of their own relationship difficulties and misunderstandings and conflicts and conflicting attempts to want the best for their children (and ward) tangled up in everything. I think if they'd ever been able to speak plainly, if they could manifest into the Ancestral Hall and speak to Jiang Cheng, they would say so.

Just as Jiang Cheng would have cause to be horrified by much of what Wei Wuxian believed about himself, I think Jiang Cheng's parents would have cause to be horrified by much of what Jiang Cheng believed. (I mean, and Wei Wuxian, probably.)

Anyway.

Jiang Cheng has plenty of reasons to aspire to those same ideals of sacrifice. And it's not just aspirations, either--we see him follow through.

He walked outside from that inn, saw Wei Wuxian in danger, and made a decision in the space of a single breath--a decision with full understanding, too. He knew he was giving up his entire life for Wei Wuxian's. He said goodbye in his head.

I would argue (and I'm sure I've said this before somewhere too) that his sacrifice was the purest example of this in the entire story.

Perhaps some of it is that many of Wei Wuxian's sacrifices are premeditated and just about all of them have alternative solutions that don't involve him just diving in and giving pieces of himself up.

That isn't to say that Wei Wuxian wouldn't see a sword aimed at Jiang Cheng and take the blow himself. But we never see him do that, exactly. As much as Jiang Cheng has internalised this ideal of Wei Wuxian's, he both encounters fewer of these situations and has other problem-solving tactics in his repertoire.

The way Jiang Cheng hates himself doesn't lead him to think of himself as disposable. I could get into a (very amateur) discussion of negative schemas formed in childhood and their various similarities and differences, and the different ways Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian's brains appear to work (Jiang Cheng sees himself as inferior, while Wei Wuxian willfully dehumanises himself in other ways), but basically, it's simply a different set of psychological issues.

But! When he is faced with the choice, Jiang Cheng absolutely dies for the ones he loves.

He loves his sect and his family, and he internalises love as sacrifice, and when it comes down to an extreme moment he chooses to die for them.

And then he doesn't die.

And then the war happens.

Jiang Cheng's Growth

There are a lot of reasons for Jiang Cheng to grow in this area, and I think it starts with inheriting the sect.

(This leads to excellent thoughts about What If Wei Wuxian Had Somehow Become Sect Leader but that's an au for another day.)

If sect heir was a position full of responsibility and reputation management, how much more so is zongzhu? Jiang Cheng is suddenly responsible for all these people. Whether he's good enough or not doesn't even matter. The job is there and it's inescapable and he's the only one there to do it.

I'm absolutely sure he still has all kinds of inferiority shit he's dealing with by post-timeskip and he only just gets to touch on some pieces of resolution by the end of the story, with the one person still in the world who would even know anything about the life that gave it to him.

Jiang Cheng has been responsible for people before, in small ways--night hunts and such, I'm sure, and he was certainly in charge of the Yunmeng Jiang disciples who went to Cloud Recesses. But being at the top of that hierarchy entirely is such a different matter, and he did so at a very young age and in a very fraught time.

The fact that he had to deal with all this new responsibility and duty to people more than his family and to causes greater than the first people in need he encounters is a huge perspective shift. Especially as a sect with nothing to give and no wiggle room where it comes not only to basic resources post-war, but to things like reputation and political standing. This is, of course, a huge facet to the conflict between him and Wei Wuxian (and the Wen remnants) at that point in the story.

But on a personal level it also speaks to the sacrifice thing. If Jiang Cheng sacrifices his life, he is not just sacrificing his own life anymore.

When he gave up his life for Wei Wuxian, he had not yet inherited. His parents were only barely gone. There was nothing to inherit. There was no surety of there ever being something to inherit ever again. Everything else was already gone. It was only the three of them, barely surviving, running for their lives. It was only him and Wei Wuxian in a street, and one of them had to die.

But once he inherits? He's a commander. He's a leader. He has all the knowledge and all the networking connections. He has the reputation. He has the social standing. He might still have a long way to go in developing his skills, but he has a natural leadership ability and he does have training appropriate to his station.

What happens if he personally sacrifices his life? What happens to all of that? What happens to everyone depending on him?

That's not very satisfying, very epic-worthy. That's not very dramatic or romantic. It's gradual, and messy, that kind of change and realisation. Becoming that kind of person. Making choices based in that reality. Deciding that you do not belong to yourself.

And I think it really comes to a head when his siblings die.

I think it comes to a head personally. Not just in his role as Jiang-zongzhu. We don't see Jiang Cheng choose not to die, in as many words. But we certainly see him choose to live.

Or, perhaps, we see the evidence of that choice.

Jiang Cheng could have faded away. He could have started delegating all his responsibilities, gotten help from other sects, trained up a replacement. He could have made such things necessary by getting more and more reclusive. He could have pulled a Qingheng-Jun.

Hell, with a-jie gone already, he could have just said fuck this and followed Wei Wuxian off that cliff, and if you don't think he wonders about that sometimes--at least at first--then we have very different interpretations of Jiang Cheng as a person.

And no, none of those are sacrifice. But at some point, he still chose to do the opposite.

He chose every day to live for his sect, to keep growing it into something powerful and secure. He took that vow that he made and he fucking stuck to it.

And he chose to live for Jin Ling.

I don't half wonder if that was a bigger driving force at first than anything else.

Jiang Cheng could absolutely have left Jin Ling to be raised by his Jin family in the absence of his parents and fucked off to hide away in Yunmeng and had nothing to do with him. He could have done a lot of things, let himself develop in a lot of ways, unhealthy ways.

But he so very clearly did not.

Jin Ling and Jiang Cheng have a close relationship. Jin Ling defers to Jiang Cheng, is answerable to him on night hunts and beyond them. It's never questioned why he's basically just in the Yunmeng Jiang party by himself. Yunmeng Jiang disciples answer to Jin Ling in turn, follow his orders without question in the absence of their zongzhu. It's a Yunmeng Jiang disciple who hands Xianzi off to Jin Ling outside the Guanyin Temple in Yunping, and Jiang Cheng is intimately familiar with Xianzi's commands and is apparently a trusted person to give them (which, we find out, Jin Guangyao is not.)

As much as Jiang Cheng is not good at saying what he means, and especially after everything he's been through his softer bits have grown harder and harder carapace around them, Jin Ling never seems to misunderstand what Jiang Cheng means. They snipe at each other and snark and bitch and roll their eyes and so clearly love each other.

Jiang Cheng's love for Jin Ling shines brightly the second you know how to interpret Jiang Cheng, and Jin Ling absolutely does. Jin Ling's trust in Jiang Cheng is incredible.

Jin Ling is practically Yunmeng Jiang's heir, and practically Jiang Cheng's son.

That sort of thing doesn't just happen, because you're related or whatever. In fact, the story goes out of its way to present blood relations not being close, especially father figures.

Which means from a young age, Jin Ling knew Jiang Cheng's love. Jiang Cheng, struggling young zongzhu of a struggling newly-rebuilt sect, who just lost everything, barely more than a kid himself, figured out he needed to not only stay alive, but needed to live for Jin Ling.

He needed to teach him everything, needed to figure out how to be the best of his own father and mother, and the best of Jin Ling's father and mother, and live up to every lost bit of love Jin Ling should have had, and try, and try, no matter how unworthy or unfit or inferior he felt. No matter how much he fucked up and didn't know. No matter how much grief he was dealing with. No matter how many people hated him and how few friends he had. No matter how much there was to do. No matter how overwhelming the endless tide of days, of forever in front of him felt, horrible and empty of everyone that had come before. Jiang Cheng still chose to live.

He carved out that new life because of love. He didn't die for anyone, and he didn't die for anyone's memory. He lived.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he did, for his sect, his disciples, his family's legacy, his siblings' memories, and Jin Ling.

And, as a bonus knife, the things we see him chide Jin Ling the most for? Are specifically things Wei Wuxian would have done, and even things he would have done in following him. Grandstanding, not asking for help when needed, wandering off alone, making unnecessary sacrifices.

Wei Wuxian's Growth

That brings us to Wei Wuxian coming back. And, well, the boy still has a long way to go. He goes through a lot of kinds of growth post-timeskip. And I think this is one of them.

For one, he's already fucking died once.

Honestly, almost ironically, that death wasn't even fully a sacrifice. Perhaps in some ways it was, in some ways he internalised that it was. But regardless, after all his sacrificing, he finally died. And, much like Jiang Cheng's sacrifice, it didn't stick. He woke back up. Albeit 16 years later.

Now, he wasn't keen on dying, or he maybe would have just gone back. But that doesn't mean he'd suddenly decided to live for anyone rather than die for them.

And, indeed, we still see that side of him come back with him in full force. He starts off by deciding he will just live this new life without Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan altogether.

I think, for Wei Wuxian, this matter of sacrifice ends up being tied into a lot of other pieces of his growth--none of it happens independently of each other.

First, he is shown and told that he is wanted. That's the first thing. He cannot simply go on without inconveniencing/endangering/roping anyone else into his shit because his ties to other people don't work in only one direction. He is wanted.

Lan Zhan wants to be at his side, has not forgotten him, and loves him unwaveringly. That is a huge first step, right there at the beginning, when Lan Zhan grabs his hand, and they make eye contact, and by the time Lan Zhan turns to look away Wei Wuxian is grabbing his hand back desperately and that pretty much says everything it needs to right there.

The idea that Wei Wuxian can act at all without having any negative affect on anyone tied to him is something we see even outside the concept of sacrifice--how many times before his death, even before his defection, do we see him say things like "you can insult me, but don't involve the Yunmeng Jiang sect" like. Like. Wei Wuxian please. That's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

So I think him realising that other people will willingly be tied to him and there's nothing he can do about it, that his actions affect the people who care about him all the time, is something he still has to learn/relearn even after everything that happened leading up to his death. I think, in particular, Wei Wuxian realising that it's not just his mistakes and fuckups that affect people, but his intentional actions, too. Like sacrifices. Even if they're at his own expense. Because people care and that's okay and good.

Lan Zhan drives that home with things like noticing that Wei Wuxian has transferred Jin Ling's curse to his own leg, and then insisting on carrying him.

Lan Zhan notices. Lan Zhan cares. This act of sacrifice does not end with Wei Wuxian suffering. It has cascading effects, even something this small. It is, perhaps, more effective a lesson on a small scale with fewer complexities woven in, than it would be on the larger scale issues he dealt with before his death.

This idea that his sacrifices affect people beyond him is carried through the rest of the story, too, from the way everyone seems to fret about him after the Burial Mounds and Lan Sizhui runs to hold him, down to the fact that he has to answer for how his sacrifice of his golden core to Jiang Cheng affects Jiang Cheng. Both the absence of his own golden core being a catalyst for a lot of other shit, and finding out about the core transfer actually fucking Jiang Cheng up. Which, it turns out, Wei Wuxian kind of knew would happen, he just thought he could get away with not dealing with it if he kept the secret better.

Wei Wuxian can't escape his sacrifices and his actions having an effect on those around him, the ones who care and the ones he cares about, or even the object of his sacrifice, and he really does have to have that hammered home.

He also deals with growth related to his pride and arrogance. He learns how to be weak, he learns how to have alternate forms of strength, he learns how to let others in, and let others stand with him.

Most of this is related to Lan Zhan, and I've already covered it at least somewhat in another meta, but it relates back to this, because those are two driving forces behind his sacrificial nature.

If Wei Wuxian is allowed to be weak, is allowed to hesitate, is allowed to go to others for help, is allowed to look for alternative solutions, that sets a better precedent for cutting down on the habitual self-sacrifice tendencies.

Additionally, he learns that others can and will stand with him in his sacrifices, when they are necessary.

Look at the way he pushes Lan Zhan away on the steps of Jinlintai, but Lan Zhan steps back toward him, and draws his sword, and declares his love before heaven and earth, saying in as many words that Wei Wuxian need not walk his path alone, and they fight together.

And the next time Wei Wuxian goes to sacrifice? In the Burial Mounds? He doesn't even think twice before volunteering Lan Zhan to stand with him. His entire plan revolves around the idea that Lan Zhan will stand with him--without even consulting Lan Zhan--and in doing so, they may be able to prevent Wei Wuxian from actually sacrificing his life.

Already we see him internalising a lot of that growth. He doesn't need to grandstand or prove himself; he doesn't care what everyone there thinks of him, and for the ones he does care about he is secure in their regard for him. He doesn't first attempt to sacrifice himself and be bait to draw the fierce corpses away while everyone including Lan Zhan runs off. He doesn't have to be convinced to accept Lan Zhan as part of his plan. He doesn't have to have Lan Zhan simply stay behind and then deal with the addition of him later.

Compare, if you will, the Xuanwu cave. Wei Wuxian absolutely expected everyone else to leave while he drew its attention, and Lan Zhan staying was not part of his original plan. Yes, later on they attacked the Xuanwu together, but that was different entirely. At first, he was just being bait to get everyone else to safety.

In the Burial Mounds? He's already worked Lan Zhan having his back into his plans.

It's still a sacrifice, but he's come a really long way about it.

So now that we've mitigated some of the sacrificial tendencies, modulated their effects on his choices, we come down to the "live for you instead of die for you" issue.

My positing that Wei Wuxian has reached this point by the end of the story has a lot more to do with having seen the patterns of his growth, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng regarding the issue of the golden core transfer being revealed, watching the way he interacted with Jiang Cheng and Lan Zhan in general evolve, and watching him allow himself to have more and more attachments by the end of the story. And getting the overall vibe that living is now important, and there are things to live for in this world now that he's back in it.

However, if I had to narrow it down to one moment to exemplify this, I would point to the moment where he's caught around the neck by Jin Guangyao.

Wei Wuxian absolutely knows that if Lan Zhan sheathes Bichen, they're all fucked. Lan Zhan could easily take everyone here who would fight him, but not if he sheathes his sword and seals his spiritual power. And at this point it's increasingly likely that if they let themselves be captured they're simply not going to make it out alive. None of them. No matter what Jin Guangyao says.

Lan Zhan's best chance for survival and Jin Guangyao's best chance at being brought to justice/captured are one and the same in this moment--Lan Zhan keeping his sword, and either taking Jin Guangyao down himself or escaping to go fetch the assembled sect leaders and such at Lotus Pier.

Wei Wuxian knows this. It's why he begs Lan Zhan to be okay with his death and to do this Right Thing anyway.

Lan Zhan is not, and does not.

I don't think Wei Wuxian is surprised by this, to be fair.

But he could have ensured it would happen. He could have ensured that Jin Guangyao would go down. He could have ensured, more importantly, that Lan Zhan lived. He could have prevented Lan Zhan from sheathing Bichen to begin with.

He could have sacrificed himself.

It would have been incredibly easy at that point. All he had to do was fight back instead of hold still. Jin Guangyao was not bluffing, probably, though he just as surely knew if Wei Wuxian died then he was next, he counted on everyone wanting Wei Wuxian alive more than they wanted him dead. So if Wei Wuxian had tried to fight back or escape, he would have died.

Jin Guangyao would have been shocked, very very briefly. The resulting chaos would have seen everyone in custody who needed to be. Perfect.

And, you know, Lan Zhan would have been once more Wei-Ying-less.

Wei Wuxian very notably does not make this sacrifice. Even if it means they get captured. Even if it means they likely die together instead of only one of them dying. Even if that math is terrible on the surface of it.

He doesn't make Lan Zhan watch him die again. He doesn't presume that his loss means nothing. He doesn't presume that his life is not worth it, that his sacrifice is worth it.

Wei Wuxian actively chooses to live. He chooses to live for Lan Zhan. For the chance that they will both find a way out, and if they don't, then they are together in this and that matters more.

And he keeps making that choice. At no point in the confrontation with Jin Guangyao, for all those hours and hours and hours of back and forth and monologuing in that damned temple, does Wei Wuxian try to grandstand or throw himself sacrificially into the mix in any way. He is always working with everyone there to whatever extent possible, to the ends that everyone (including people he cedes the political superiority to) decides upon. He releases ownership of the situation, of needing to fix the situation, of needing to fix the situation by giving himself up.

I've been writing this so long I'm starting to lose the threads of my own thoughts, but yeah.

By the end, I think Wei Wuxian learns a lot and grows a lot and finally hits the point that Jiang Cheng hit years and years prior.

"I never thought I'd be worth the work it would take to piece myself together," but he was confronted with the idea of it again and again until it had to stick, and so he did. For Lan Zhan, for Lan Sizhui, for Jin Ling, for the other juniors.

I do think there will always be some element of self-sacrifice to Wei Wuxian's character that remain unchanged. He is a caretaker and a fixer at the heart of him. He is a big brother and I think maturity has only expanded that trait. He's also notably not a leader, and to some extent he does belong to himself both more and less than he ever could before his death.

But that doesn't have to be a bad thing. And it doesn't negate him embracing the idea of living for the ones he loves, getting better for the ones he loves, and letting them keep him in their lives.

I'd like to think that this piece of character growth is another significant thing in favour of Wei Wuxian and Jiang Cheng being able to forge not just a healthy relationship but a healthier relationship post-canon than they may have ever had before, or at least in a very long time.

[fktonofwhatnow]

ok hold on. acomaf is my fave book out of the whole series (it's mostly out of emotional value, i read it when i was younger and didn't have a real understanding out trauma and abuse only that i saw a character i loved getting out of a bad situation and getting happy) so obviously i didn't mind feysand being endgame and the development all of the characters had. i can accept tamlin turned out like that is realistic due to his trauma, i can accept feyre had to flee because it wasn't right for her, but the thing is after acofs i see no point to feyre leaving tamlin when rhysand ends up doing everything they told us tamlin was evil and unredeemable for. hiding the risks of her pregnancy, putting on shields on her, having feyre need to compromise over it. i honestly felt so betrayed by that. i'm not saying feyre and tamlin were good for each other, but it doesn't feel worth it to dismiss the potential they had for what we got with feysand.

also, sarah learn to treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge. no they don't need to learn to physically fight to fight it. no they don't need a love interest to overcome it. yes the behaviors acquired from trauma and abuse aren't pretty but that doesn't mean a person is undeserving of kindness and compassion.

i think i had a point somewhere but i can't get to it. so hope you don't mind my rambling. anyway i loved your meta about tamlin i think he deserves better too

HOLY SHIT THIS ONE IS SO GOOD OK IM SO EXCITED

Bro you are so fine, I'm the one who doesn't make any sense and I totally get what you're trying to say. (Acomaf was actually my favorite book in the series too ngl)

BUT FUCK YEAH LETS TALK ABOUT RHYSAND.

I don't think it's a secret that Rhysand is one of my least favorite characters in media, probably ever? (How do I even put this into words) He is a bad character and to me, laughably so. You know how if you've ever written a character, there's that little phase that's like "what if people don't like this character' and then you're sad for a little bit? That's how Rhysand feels to me. He feels like SJM looked at this character and thought "I can't stand the thought of people not liking this character because I love him so much" and then did everything in her power to make sure we know how great he is.

Idk if this is just me screaming into the void, but I get to this place with my characters where like, especially if they are a little more morally gray or their decisions have negative impacts, I understand that I don't need the audience to like my main character. they can stand on their own, they can own up to what they do and they can grow from it. Thats what a good character does. That's how you keep your audience rooting for them. You gotta knock them over sometimes.

SJm doesn't knock Rhysand over. She doesn't push him to make mistakes, apologize, own up and move on. Rhysand has never made a decision that ended poorly for him. Everything goes the way he wants it to, because SJm wants us to know how cool and great he is. People who are cool and great don't make bad decisions! SJm doesn't let Rhysand fail, and she doesn't let him suffer his own decisions. Everyone else suffers his decisions, not him.

Rhysand's reputation as a good person hinges entirely on the audience liking him and/or thinking he's hot. And then what happens when the audience thinks neither of those things? Ya get a rly long post like this by a lil enby who is mad all the time. Rhysand loses all credibility when you look at him through a critical lens. Not a single thing the man does makes any goddamn sense. Here I thought acosf would give us a different perspective on Feysand and I was desperately hoping that Nesta would tell us what she really sees in them and how people around them really feel, I hoped that SjM would throw us for a loop and tell us that hey, she does know that Feysand are fucking toxic as hell and ruin the lives of people around them and she wants to show us that from an outside perspective but noooOoOOOoOoOOOO...

Instead we get Nesta hating herself because Rhysand told her that she shouldn't tell Feyre that Feyre could uh die in childbirth. Hey what the fuck.

Now I don't actually ship feylin, I kinda always sorta knew, even without spoilers, that it wasn't going to work out. Tamlin isn't sjm's idea of a good partner because he's not charming and witty and dark and handsome ya know? We met Rhysand and I knew that I was going to fucking hate this romance. Which sucks because I found Rhysand so intriguing in the first book. Ngl all the time spent in the spring court was kinda boring and every time Rhysand showed up to throw dead faeries at Tamlin I was like "oooooo" and I wanted to know more about why Tamlin, this awkward, blunt and kinda shy dude had beef with this super duper sly and shady man from another court.

I don't know if I've ever said this before, but SJm doesn't let her love interests grow. Rhysand doesn't change over the course of the story because he was already a good guy and his motives were for Feyre's sake I swear, the same goes for Rowan in TOG. SJm doesn't give Rhysand room to change. She needs to get to the part where they fuck make sure everyone knows that Rhysand is a good guy and actually he was good all along so that we like him more than Tamlin. It backtracks on everything bad Rhysand has ever done because you know... He had a good reason! It's fine!

I know it's probably just because SJm doesn't actually know how to write a good character growth arc but... Like can you imagine if Rhysand stayed the bad guy? Or at least remained the bad guy through acotar and acomaf? And then when Rhysand comes to take Feyre for his bargain it really was only to spite Tamlin? What about Rhysand, taking Feyre to the night court with him once a week every month for a long time, if only to see Tamlin's eyes grow darker and emptier every time he goes, and then he really starts to fall in love with Feyre. He's been a monster all this time, angry and cold and cruel and then he actually starts to fall in love. And then to get Feyre to stay he really does try to change, he stops antagonizing Feyre, he stops throwing dead faeries at Tamlin, and he stops harassing the Spring court. He starts spending genuine quality time with Feyre, he starts to learn about her and all the things she likes and he stops trying to get her to come with him just so Tamlin will be mad. He starts asking her to come with him because he wants to be around her and he prays that someday she'll want to be around him too. What if SJm let him grow.

But nahhhhhh instead we have a character who always knows the right answer to things, and he always knows how to fix every issue, and he is always so innovative and outside the box except that he isn't. We get a character who does the same shit as Tamlin but it's ok because he had a good reason not to tell Feyre that she could very well die in childbirth. Uhhhh don't know what that is but uhhh I know he has his reasons because all he has are his reasons.

It would be so easy to hold a mirror up to Rhysand and say "look at this. Look who you are. Do you not look just like Tamlin right now?"

But nooooooooOoOOOo Rhysand doesn't get to be wrong. Rhysand doesn't get to look like Tamlin because Tamlin is evil and Rhysand is definitely NOT I SWEAR.

But yeah I think the point I'm trying to make is that Sarah thinks so highly of Rhysand that he could never do wrong. He could never be like Tamlin, despite the narrative literally telling us the exact opposite.

Like you said, we lost the potential of what feylin could have been if SJm didn't suddenly decide that her audience needs to love Rhysand as much as she does. I think feylin could have been slow and sweet and a story of true healing and learning about one another. I think it would have been kind and steady and lots of "are you ok"s and "I'm sorry"s and "talk to me"s. Everything about Feysand feels rushed and hard and fast and the rest of the world doesn't have time to catch up. It's fucking exhausting to read it ya know what I'm saying.

(also can we talk about Rhysand like dying and Feyre finding the suriel and learning he's her mate and then instead of being like "k let's put a pin in that and fuckin save his life first" she like throws him around and everyone is like "wtf woman" and she's like I neeD tO Be alOnE these people have no idea how to prioritize)

Truly, I think it's innocent to a degree. There is absolutely no harm in wanting people to like your character. The harm comes when you destroy another character with no reason or explanation other than you want people to like a different character. Villain arc? Completely out of left field. You gotta build to that shit or like... Make it so that when you look back you slap your forehead and yell at a wall "OF FUCKING COURSE I SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT"

anyways, SJm treat "ugly" trauma with respect challenge SECONDED.

WELL IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK ME WEEKS YO WRITE IM HAVING A HARD TIME I know it probably doesn't make any sense I can't find my braincells BUT thanks for the ask @xelly

Tell me all your acotar things I love yo hear them !!

[uwuwriting]

How would the Todorokis be with their s/o?? Like Natsuo, Fuyumi, Shouto and Touya/Dabi??

I really believe that there should be a spin off called ‘Keeping up with the Todorokis’ where each one of them brings home their s/o and shit hits the fan. I love this prompt and I love ya. 💖💖💖

P.S It’s 4 am and I can’t sleep so please excuse any typos or grammatical mistakes. I’m in a daze. Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Natsuo Todoroki 

-He met you at a convention.

-He was in his second year of university and he decided to attend one of those medical conventions, to feel more like a doctor.

-You bumped into him as you were entering the conference room and being as smooth as always, he asked you to sit with him.

-After that your friendship blossomed.

-You found out that you were actually in the same university but in different classes and that’s why you didn’t know each other.

-Being in the same campus helped a lot with the development of the relationship.

-It didn’t take long for him to fall head over heels in love with you. 

-He realized just how in love he was with you after a particular brutal confrontation with his father.

-He had been so angry and desperate for comfort that his body responded by itself and led him to your door.

-You of course helped him as best you could, making him some tea and quickly fixing him up with something to eat.

-You could see his anger as it radiated off of him.

-Also the temperature dropped so...yeah.

-You didn’t push him to talk, opting to stay silent and allow him to talk when he felt like it. 

-And it worked.

-He opened up to you, letting everything go.

-About his past, about Touya, about his father and eventually how much he wants to just hold but is afraid that he’ll just be like him inn the end. 

-He is terrified at the possibility of him hurting you like his father did his mother and making you miserable. 

-He told you that he truly loved you.

-You were in tears at that point.

-His past accompanied by his confession was just too much for you to handle.

-You jumped into his arms, wrapping him into one of the tightest hugs he had ever experienced and you just sobbed. 

-You said you loved him too and that he was one of the loveliest and sweetest people you had ever met, he could never be like his father.

-Of course at some point he started crying as well and you two became two sobbing messes on the floor of your apartment. 

-Your relationship was like a fever dream. 

-Natsuo is a fun guy but he’s also one of the most crackheaded people on this earth. 

-One minute you’re being smothered with kisses and the next you are being manhandled to the floor in an attempt to get the TV remote. 

-It’s...it’s a fever dream. 

-He likes showing his goofy self to you and making you question his intelligence. 

-I mean how could one person be an astounding medical student while challenging you that he could fit more marshmallows in his mouth than you?!

-He values his family even if it links with his father’s abuse. 

-So expect to meet Rei and Shouto after your one year anniversary or so.

-Fuyumi is the first family member you meet and that’s completely an accident.

-You were over at Natsuo’s and she came to drop off some food because he can’t cook for shit and she saw you.

-All the Todoroki’s adore you. 

-And when I say all I mean all.

-Even fireball man.

-He doesn’t really like you at the beginning because YoUr qUIrK iSn’T gOoD enOUgH, but later he warms up to you and is actually excited for your visits.

-Shouto claims that you make incredible soba so he automatically worships you.

-Lowkey had a mini crush on you but it lasted for like a week and then he got infatuated with his s/o so you were long forgotten.

-Rei loves you because Natsuo loves you and because you are literally a ray of sunshine. 

-Dabi....he takes his time because being in contact with his family after so many years is weird and seeing them slowly building their own families is even weirder, so you get the point. 

-All in all, they can’t wait until they get to call you an official Todoroki. 

Fuyumi Todoroki

-MY GIRL IS A LESBIAN.

-Change my mind....see you can’t. 

-She’s the shy one of the Todoroki group and it shows. 

-You have to do the first move and every move for that matter. 

-You two met when you were dropping off your nephew off at his school because you are a responsible AUNT!!

-You almost left without him tbh.

-You were being led to the class by him because you had lost every sense of direction.

-Once inside the class you were greeted with 17 pair of eyes on you which later changed to squeals of excitement. 

-Kids are weird okay... they get excited from the tiniest of changes and seeing a new face in the class had them ECSTATIC. 

-They asked you question after question and you were slowly suffocating by a particular kid having wrapped his arms around your middle and squeezing, until a soft voice was heard from behind you. 

- “Kids go to your seats please, and Daichi please let go of the lady.”

- “But she’s so pretty.”

-It took some time to get him off of you, mainly because you weren’t helping.

-You were to busy being in a daze as you looked at Fuyumi.

-She apologized about their behavior and asked if you were okay. 

-You, trying to be smooth, said you were fine and asked for her name. 

-She answered with a smile and you started talking until a cry was heard from inside the class and she had to leave. 

- “I hope to see you around, Todoroki-chan.” you said with a wink and left.

-She was blushing like crazy and barely mustered a ‘goodbye’ before hurrying into the classroom.

-After that you would regularly drop your nephew off only for a chance to see her again. 

-Finally, after many attempts, you mustered up the courage to ask her out and were taken aback by her excited squeal of approval. 

-Your relationship could be described as the definition of softness. 

-Fuyumi is a soft person and prefers tranquility over anything else, so that translates to a relationship argument free and just a ton of fluffy dates and cuddle sessions. 

-You’re relatively protective over her, especially after she shares her past with you, and become a literal watchdog every time Endeavor is in the proximity. 

-You click with Natsuo mainly because you have your crack moments and he can’t help but vibe with you.

-She’s super understanding and knows when work has been especially hard on you.

-She will make some tea and give you a massage, followed by a mini make out session and maybe some steamy times. 

-She introduces you to her mother only after you two have exchanged ‘I love you’s because that’s when she knows that you are serious with her.

-Rei A D O R E S you.

-She lights up when she sees you with Fuyumi. 

-Shouto is a little more closed off so you’ll have to try and get him to really like you. 

-With some help from Natsuo’s s/o you’ll be on his good side in no time. 

-Endeavor was from the first people to meet you mainly because you were visiting Fuyumi at their house frequently and he didn’t like you. 

-You two could become feral if Fuyumi didn’t intervene. 

-Eventually he warmed up to you.....because Fuyumi was marrying you so he didn’t really have a choice. 

-After he realized the importance of family he started having the mindset that if his children were happy he was happy.

-And you made Fuyumi happy.

-Still salty over your nonexistent/normal quirk though.

Shouto Todoroki

-You were in the same class.

-And he found you beautiful since day one.

-So it was kinda inevitable.

-Like come on, you were perfect to him.

-You were beautiful, smart, caring and super strong.

-He fell head over heels after he fought you at the sports festival. 

-He spoke to Midoriya about this weird feeling he was feeling in his chest and he diagnosed him with love.

-Okay, Shouto has no idea what to do.

-His perception of love was obliterated by his dad and his mom wasn’t in his reach for advice. 

-Fuyumi was an option but he didn’t really feel comfortable. 

-So what did he do?

-He googled it.

-He googled how to flirt and how to make a girl like you.

-And you can imagine the results. 

-Kaminari level flirting.

-Thankfully you found his attempts cute and finally comforted him about the whole flirting thing, asking him if he liked you. 

-He said yes, you know, bluntly and asked you out.

-Your relationship was awkward at first because he had no idea what he was doing and you didn’t want to overstep and make him uncomfortable. 

-After some time, and many kisses and reassuring later, he relax and let himself go.

-TOUCH STARVED BABY BOY!

-He’s clingy af and if he traps you in his arms, he won’t let go.

-You’re his now.

-End of story.

-You help him cope with his trauma and encourage him to reach out to his mom and siblings.

-You become his shoulder to cry on/ rant about his father and you are there for him for everything. 

-During the Nomu incident with his father, he was really shaken and that’s when he said ‘I love you’ for the first time. 

-You were in his dorm room, him having his head in his hands as his breaths became labored.

-You didn’t say anything, instead opted to massage his back and just envelope him in a loose hug.

-Everything he felt for his father, the hatred and the anger, had momentarily disappeared and had been replaced by dread for his safety. 

-He had destroyed his mother and their family, but he was still part of him. 

-Shouto stayed there, in your arms, and just contemplated about his feelings towards everyone, not just his father. 

-And that’s when he realizes that he loves you.

-And he just blurts it out. 

-You are taken aback to say the least, but you still return his sentiment. 

-He decides to introduce you to his family after that.

-First stop is Rei, who loves you.

-Seeing her Shouto looking at someone like that, with so much love in his eyes, is addicting and she couldn’t be happier. 

-Next stop, Fuyumi and Natsuo.

-You go out on a triple date and things are hectic. 

-Chaotic energy overload.

-But everything works out and the all of them end falling in love with you.

-Endeavor, tolerates you because of your quirk.

-Not that you care.

-Shouto keeps you away from him anyways. 

-A wholesome boyfriend.

-Husband material right here.

Dabi/Touya Todoroki

-Burn me you flaming ball of daddy issues.

-Friends with benefits. 

-That’s how it all started. 

-Just some fun nights, shared between two partners in crime before returning to murdering people.

-The thing is that, in order to make Dabi fall in love you have to do something crazy af.

-You two were on a mission to spy on Overhauls rookies, when someone spotted you.

-He was about to shoot one of those quirk erasing darts right on Dabi’s back when you pushed him out of the way, getting your quirk erased and hitting your head because of your unceremonious landing. 

-You have never seen one (1) Dabi roast 20+ people faster before. 

-Your whole body felt stiff and heavy, making even the slightest of movements a challenge. 

-Dabi was on his knees in no time, calling your name like a mad man and trying to keep you conscious. 

-He scooped you up in his arms, cold sweat running down his spine as he watched you fall in and out of consciousness.

-Even after you closed your eyes, you could here him faintly calling out to you, spewing nonsense just to stir a reaction.  

-Once at the hide out, he almost roundhoused Shigaraki’s ass because he got in his way, he rushed over to the new healer of their group. 

-After being told that you were going to make it, he disappeared for a week. 

-You woke up and he wasn’t there, which kinda hurt.

-Okay, you may or may not have feelings for him for some time now, but of course you won’t say anything..

-You will scare him off.

-Little did you know though that Dabi was getting himself wasted in an attempt to drown his feelings for you. 

-His plan failed and he decoded to confront you about it.

-Get it out of the way. 

-He came back and dragged you out of the hideout and aggressively confessed to you. 

-You two are now exclusive.

-Congrats!

-Things are really chill.

-He worries when you go on missions by yourself, especially after seeing you like hurt after that Overhaul mission.

-Cuddles with him are based on his mood.

-If he doesn’t really want to cuddle, he won’t .

-You can’t change that no matter what.

-You are the only one who knows about his backstory and his family.

-After being together for a long time you encourage him to reach out to his siblings or his mom.

-His dad is a no no from both of you.

-And eventually he actually does.

-He introduces you to them and they have to warm up to the both of you.

-Because having your until recently deceased brother introduce his s/o to you is kinda....overwhelming. 

-In the end, they are happy to have their brother back.

-And seeing so happy and trusting with another person, had them warm.

-Dabi deserves love.

-Poor baby suffers and he doesn’t deserve it.

[infinitecrime]

Spoiler free TFATWS Episode 5 review:

Another very solid episode. A huge amount of pay off for many of the various subplots at play and a great progression of the overall story. Some conversations that really needed to be had were finally had and it was immensely satisfying. Other than a strong opening action sequence, this episode was mainly character and dialogue focussed, which I think is going to upset some of the fanboys, but for me it might have been the strongest episode yet.

Spoiler heavy review:

Writing/Plot: 

The opening fight was fantastically choreographed and heart breaking in a lot of ways. The acting was noteworthy which is rare for a fight scene where people normally phone it in or we don’t really see much of their expressions because they’re stunt doubles. I’m glad this was the only real action this week - it felt nice to get a break and return to character and plot driven scenes.

Overall this episode was just really satisfying in terms of plot progression and pay off. We resolved Bucky’s beef with Wakanda, Zemo’s fate, Bucky and Sam not seeing eye to eye, Isaiah’s story, Sam’s issues with the shield, and closure for Lemar’s family. We’ve progressed Sam and Sarah’s money/boat issues and whatever the fuck Sharon and Batroc have going on. Next week we’re setting up to give Yori some closure and put an end to John and the Flagsmashers.

Even the Flagsmashers, who we barely saw, got more development than it seems they have for a while - we now know they are all in on criminal behaviour, are willing to kill, have a distinct target (the GRC), and a distinct goal (stop the Patch), and have a mini army to do it with.

The vibe of this episode was just... soft, which is surprising for a hyper masculine superhero bro show. The whole community coming together to help the Wilson’s and Bucky being inducted into the family was just so wholesome. Even the Isaiah scenes, heart wrenching as they were, would have been intercut with violent and graphic torture flashbacks under some other director, but Kari knew that the story was powerful and upsetting enough on it’s own.

Sam:

Sam and Sarah are just amazing. Really really hope we see her in future Marvel properties. It's so nice to see the perspective of someone so grounded in a world of wizards and shit. I love that he seems to tell her everything and values her advice just as much if not more than that of soldiers and superheroes. 

Watching him grapple with Steve and Bucky’s expectations of him vs Isaiah’s expectations of him vs Sarah’s expectations of him vs his own wants and needs was very impactful, and in the end, he’s going to honour them all and pick up the shield, but on his own terms, as his own man, because he wants to, not because some old men told him to/not to.

Sam finally got some of those deeply emotional beats that I have been hoping for this whole time, which gives Anthony a chance to really flex his acting muscles. He’s great at subtlety but he really shines in this episode now the writing has allowed him to. Everything with Isaiah and the scene of him wiping blood off the shield was so raw.

Isaiah, who gets his own section this week:

God, his entire section was so powerful and well done. I’m so glad he came back and we got to learn more about his story and his situation. I’m so glad it was explicitly addressed what was done to him, why it was done, how it affects Sam and his perception of the shield, how it affected his family, and how he still carries all that trauma to this day. I’m so glad it was a one on one between them.

Carl Lumbly was absolutely fantastic and Anthony played off of him wonderfully. The injustice and pain is so stark in this scene. I would love to see more of him in the future but I also want him to be able to finally rest.

Isaiah did exactly what Steve did. Went against express orders to do the right thing and saved a group of POW's that the top brass had written off as expendable. In return, Steve got his fake Captain title made real, a fancy new shield, and was lauded as a hero. Isaiah was imprisoned, tortured, experimented on, and treated as a criminal. For the same. damn. thing.

I was perplexed in previous weeks about people condemning Bucky for not telling anyone about Isaiah, when doing so would have disturbed his well earned peace and put him in extreme danger. In this episode we get the confirmation that Bucky’s choice was right: Isaiah is legally dead and in hiding and the government don't know he's alive. He wants to be left alone ("Leave me dead, my name is buried") and that’s more important than what Sam wants or what you think Bucky should have done. It’s up to Isaiah; and Bucky (and later Sam) respected his wishes.

Bucky:

Ayo calling Bucky White Wolf, telling him to steer clear of Wakanda “for the moment” but not forever, and making Sam a vibranium Cap suit shows he’s fully forgiven. To be honest, they likely don’t have an extradition treaty with Germany so they actually never would have gotten their hands on Zemo if Bucky hadn’t broken him out, so they’re probably happier with him than they let on right now.

The Zemo-Bucky relationship and the grudging respect and understanding they have for each other is so interesting. I honestly don’t believe this is the last we’ll see of Zemo. He’s straddling the anti-hero/villain divide and he’s just so fascinating. Bucky getting his closure with Zemo and showing him that he isn’t the weapon Zemo treated him as was powerful, although I don’t think Zemo actually thought he would kill him. He knows that Bucky wasn’t corrupted by the serum, and even admitted as much.

Fighting John with the shield must have given him flashbacks to the helicarrier fight with Steve which can’t have been pleasant. The pure rage on his face at seeing the shield misused was clear here.

Seeing him helping the Wilson’s and being integrated into the community and the family in a way he hasn’t had since the Howling Commandos (and even then, they were at war) was just so, so sweet and wholesome. And his boat fixing skills corroborated my science nerd/mechanic Bucky headcanons.

Bucky and Sarah lightly flirting is very cute and I would like to see that relationship be developed more. 

It was nice to see him explicitly apologise and recognise why Sam didn’t want the shield, as well as explaining why he reacted the way he did. I don’t understand the people saying it wasn’t good enough at all - it was a clear and sincere apology and completely proportional to the actual offence, which was not quite understanding a perspective that he wasn’t really equipped to immediately understand. He doesn’t need to beg or plead - just acknowledge his ignorance, say sorry, and improve, which he did. Sam was perfectly happy with it and accepted the apology, his gift, and his help on the boat. Drama over nothing as per usual amongst the Bucky antis.

I still wish they would be more explicit about Steve’s fate and how they both feel about it, but I liked the scene we got.

Other characters:

“You built me.” - Wyatt is extremely good at mining sympathy out of an otherwise unsympathetic character. As much as I hate him, I did feel for him in the courthouse scene and with Lemar’s parents. He's an example of the veterans that are exploited until they crack then left in the dust as damaged goods when they do. I’ve been so, so impressed with Wyatt and the nuance and complexity and sympathy he’s managed to inject into the character. In anyone else’s hands he would be a two dimensional power crazed villain, but in Wyatt’s he’s a lot more than that.

Val is intriguing. Skrull? HYDRA? Power Broker? Something new entirely?

I wish John’s wife got a name. This is the second love interest minor female character (after the bartender) without an onscreen name, unless I missed it.

I am still somewhat perplexed by Sharon. Is she a double agent? A triple agent? Is she the Power Broker? Is she against the Flagsmashers, or with them, or only out for herself and against everyone? I’m not sure how this can all be resolved in only one episode but I guess we’ll find out. I wonder if she’s being set up for a future project. Is she a Skrull?

I knew Batroc would be back when we didn’t explicitly see him die - is he being used by Sharon without his knowledge for some other purpose, or does she genuinely not give a fuck if he kills Sam?

Nice to see Torres and to see that he has an obvious crush on both Sam AND Bucky. He’s for sure swooping into the final battle next episode having fixed Sam’s wings.

Is the inclusion of Eli Bradley setting him up for a future Young Avengers series, or is he just a nice comic cameo and nothing more?

Lemar's parents had me tearing up. Fuck Walker for lying to them but at least he gave them some closure I guess? Poor Lemar. He deserved so much more and we deserved more of him.

Fuck John Walker and his fake shield.