#first one is little 13 year old Chris I was too lazy to finish

[catihere]

Chris doodles!!! The lack of fanart for him is criminal

[brieannakeogh]

Dog Days of Summer- Ch 13

Dog Days of Summer- Chris Evans X plus sized reader. Dog days of summer are usually defined as the hottest of the year, some define it as lazy days. This year ‘hottest’ has nothing to do with the outside temp. You meet Chris and Dodger Evans while taking your own dog to the park.

Previous Chapter / Master List

Warnings: No warnings

Chapter 13

Waking up to a horny Chris is a great way to start your day. Even with a headache from drinking, he refused to take anything until you were both satisfied. After, you walk to a dinner for the big breakfast you promised him. Pancakes, bacon, eggs, all the things he wouldn’t be able to eat for the next few months while filming. 

The rest of the week went similarly. You or he would spend the night at the other’s apartment. Sex was frequent and amazing. He even dragged you to his gym a few times to spend more time together. Time flew by and soon it was Wednesday night and Chris had an early flight out the next morning. 

Laying in bed tired and sweaty from a great round of the old bump and grind, you stare at the pattern on the ceiling, thoughts much too erratic and worrisome for how good he just fucked you. 

“You’re doing that resting bitch face thing again, which usually means you’re thinking too much.” Chris turned to his side looking down at you, blocking your view and bringing you back into the moment. 

“It’s fine. I’m fine.” 

“You’re worried.” 

“But I know I shouldn’t be! You’re wonderful…” 

“I know.” 

You continue, ignoring his interruption and Star Wars reference. “I just know things happen. Not that I think things will happen, but I’m going to miss you, and most importantly miss Dodger. I’ve just never felt this...attached before.” 

He kisses your temple and lays back down, pulling you to him. “You’re right. Things happen, I’ve seen a lot of couples break up over the distance. Hell I’ve had people break up with me because of that. But if you find the right person it can work out. I’ve seen that too. Besides, I’ll be back in like three weeks, we’ve got a small break so I can come back for a few days.” 

“You’re right. I know you’re right.” 

“Also, we can maybe...when I come back, if it’s too much…” He takes a deep breath. “Maybe you can come with me. Come stay with me on set.” He was looking away from you when he said this, but your lack of a response after a few seconds had him turning to focus on your face. 

You felt like you couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t be serious. You had interviews this week, you needed a job, you couldn’t just follow him around like a groupie. “Chris...you know I would love to, but how can I? I’ve got an apartment, I need a job and what about Popcorn? I wouldn’t be able to take him with me.” You had depended on someone before, depended on them being there and got burned. Chris and you hadn’t even been dating that long. How could he be so cavalier with his freedom? If you did this you would be tied to him for everything. You knew he would come to regret it if he ever got tired of you, but would be too nice to do anything about it since he was the one to suggest it. “Let’s first see how we do with the distance. We can talk about it again on your break, I just don’t want you to rush into something and change your mind later.” He looked like he wanted to argue but just nodded his head and changed the subject. 

Sleep didn’t come well to either of you that night, but you got up with him when his alarm went off. You were at his apartment since the driver the studio sent over was to come pick him up there. He finished packing the little bits and bobs he would be taking on the plane. 

“My sister is coming to pick up Dodger later this afternoon. You can stay here if you’d like until then. I know it’s early for you.” He smirked, trying to lighten the mood. It didn’t really work, but you appreciated the effort. 

“That’s ok. I think me and Popcorn are going to head out with you.” You didn’t want to tell him that his place would seem too empty without him. 

Dodger came up and bumped his nose on Chris’ fist. He knew what packed bags ment. “It’s alright buddy, you won’t be left here for long. You get to go play with the kids! You’ll love that.” Chris giving him ear scratches and thumps on the side. Standing beside Chris you gave him pets too, knowing you wouldn’t see Dodger for just as long. 

Chris’ phone dings and from the look on his face you know his ride is here. 

All of the stuff you had brought over through the few weeks are gathered up by the door. Popcorn already in his harness but without the leash. 

“Com’ere Bubbie.” You call to your dog. 

“Did you just call Popcorn ‘Grandma’ in Yiddish?” Chris questions incredulously. 

“Maybe…..What? Don’t give me that look, you call Dodger Bubba.” 

“Fair enough.” 

You stand up from leashing your dog to see a smiling Chris looking at you fondly, before he pulls you into one last hug and a kiss on the forehead. “Make sure you text me when you land.” 

“Yes ma’am.” Scoffing, you turn your back to him to try and hide the tears threatening to fall, and gathered up your bags. He does the same and you walk out, hearing him lock the door while you call the elevator. 

The ride is much too quick and soon you’re standing next to a nondescript black sadan, the driver packing the luggage in the trunk while you try to figure out what to say. 

“It’s been surreal. You’re going to leave and it will feel like it was all a dream.” 

“Come on now. I’m gonna facetime you so much you’ll get sick of me.” 

“Hmmm, I don’t think that will be possible. Your face is too pretty to get tired of.” 

“It’s all movie magic. I’m growing old and balding.” 

Grabbing his chin and moving his head this way and that. “Yeah I can see the CG work from here.” 

You both grew silent, interrupted by the driver telling Chris he needed to leave to make his flight. Chris nodded his head, not taking his eyes off you, before capturing your lips in a heated kiss that made you dizzy. “Hopefully that will last the three weeks I’m gone.” 

“Yep, that should do it. Completely unfair, but I’ll still be thinking about that the whole time you're gone.” 

“Good.” He squeezes your hand and bends down to pet Popcorn goodbye, mumbling something quietly to him. 

You wave dumbly and yell at him after he closed the door, telling him to have a safe flight and to remember to let you know when he lands. The car drives off and you stand on the sidewalk until they turn the corner down the block, before walking in the direction to your apartment. 

“You two were making my teeth hurt.” Charles, the driver, commented. 

“Don’t be like that Charlie. You know we are adorable.” 

A few minutes go past before Charles speaks up again, this time in a more somber tone. “I’m assuming you saw the paparazzi fucker when you kissed her?” 

“Yeah, I know.” 

“Do you want me to call to try and block the photos?” Chris chewed on his lips before shaking his head no. “She doesn’t seem like the kind of girl that wants to be in the trash papers.” 

Chris snorts. “You’re right about that, but I gotta know.” 

“Know…?” 

“If she can handle it. It’s going to eventually happen when I don’t see someone with a camera. We hadn’t been very discreet about it. I already like her too much. I don’t want to get too deep just to have her freak out on me when she sees herself on the internet.” 

“Are you sure that’s the best way to go about it?” 

Chris scrubs a hand over his face. “Can you think of a better way Charlie? Please tell me because I don’t know.” Charles keeps his lips pressed together. “It’ll be fine. I’ve got good fans, right? It has to be fine.” 

Next Chapter

It’s been 85 years...Ok like 2 months, but still. Thank you all for your patience I appreciate it a lot. I’m already half way done with the next chapter so hopefully it won’t take as long as this one. Really ily guys!

@spidey-babe-parker,  @stevieang, @albinotigerpython, @paintballkid711, @katykyll, @avengersrulez1536, @ultrafreespirit, @wantingtobekorra,   @i-had-a-life-once,  @ghostssss​, @babybeluuga​, @bodhi-black​,  @kanupps06​, @hatterripper31, @grandloser, @reniescarlett, @kjidhzyx, @normanreedus5150, @ilovethings-somuch, @spiderman-2013, @bloodyvalentine93, @xx-raven, @passionghost, @prettybubblesintheair, @averyrogers83,  @ria132love, @patzammit, @whom-the-fack, @pooslie, @3dsaunt, @kristiedwyer, @janeyboo, @theonelittleone, @aslandia726, @itsmysticalmystery, @stanclub, @geminimoonbeamx​, @lookwhatyoumademequeue, @eyesfixedonthesun22, @mrsalh32611, @whatmakesmebeme-tblr, @isaxhorror, @kateelyse96, @hidden-treasures21, @aubreystilinski, @tnupsweetpie, @mikaelasingswritesloves, @webcraft4eveh, @fanfictionandjunk, @elizabeth-marie-moon, @linesal

[teddylawrence]

task 001 baybee!

PREFERRED NAME — bri

PRONOUNS — she/they either work fr me tbh

AGE — 22

TIMEZONE — est

HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ONLINE? — literally too much.......... like if i’m not online on my laptop i’m lurking on mobile it’s a Problem

HOW DID YOU HEAR OF WATERSHED? — i’m friends w the asshole who Created It /:

DISCORD — chocalety milk#0458

OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — uh my personal is here n my pinterest is here im always down to give out twitter n insta too if anyone wants it :B

MYER-BRIGGS — istp

HP HOUSE — slytherin

ZODIAC — gemini

DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — like a lot yes an embarrassing amount i am, in fact, that white girl that asks what ur sign is like 3 minutes into meeting them im not PROUD of it its jst me this is real this is me

DO YOU ENJOY ASTROLOGY? — i have the gemini symbol tattooed on me.

HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — i think like 13?? or 12 i cant remember tbh

WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — 2011 or something i dnt wanna do math thts jst a random guess

NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — the magic returns, it was a next gen harry potter rp tht i was in fr im not kidding my entire high school career

WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — idk a kangaroo i think........ i kno they can actually b super aggressive and r jacked as fuck bt its rly cute when baby joey’s r in their mama’s pouches

WHAT PET DO YOU GENUINELY CONSIDER GETTING SOMEDAY? — i want another cat so bad and i’d like to have a dog again someday tbh

NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — the first song on my discover weekly is 2all by catfish and the bottlemen n i put my spotify on shuffle too n the first song that came up was imaginary parties by superfruit

NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — i think besides to kill a mockingbird, brave new world by aldous huxley was my fave??

NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — i genuinely can’t even think of a book i hated......... maybe the great gatsby, its my english teacher’s fave n she was hyping it up sm but it jst kinda bored me??

WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — i’m binging stranger things with my mom rn and shameless on my own, both r Dumb Good i’m quite obsessed.................

WHAT FILM DID YOU LAST WATCH? DID YOU LIKE IT? — i finished texas chainsaw massacre like the original with my bf and i thought it was rly boring NSDGLJSKDLGH film nerds everywhere b spitting on me rn /:

FAVOURITE QUOTE — i genuinely don’t think i even have one............ there’s been a few that’ve always Touched Me bt i can’t even think of one rn

LINK TO A VINE / TIK TOK / VIDEO THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this bad boy right here

DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — i’m attempting nanowrimo but it’s frankly not going well and other than that?? i haven’t in forever but should start again tbh

THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL LOVE & TRUST — noel miller, cody ko, chris klemens

A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — harry styles until the day i die baybee!

EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — i met kurtis conner at the last 1975 concert i went to it was quite awkward i cld jst tell he did not want 2 take another picture LHSDGLKHSDG

WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — tbh in the summer all my friends and i do is sit in my backyard drinking beers and playing card games so that

A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — the mandela effeect

ARE ALIENS REAL? — yes ofc u cannot look me in the eye and tell me we’re the only living species in the universe

PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — /: i have 4 diff versions of candy crush on my phone...............

PLAY ANY OTHER GAMES? WHICH ONES? — i was never allowed to play like any computer/video games growing up so i jst never did it was a sad childhood

WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — i can’t think of one....... maybe surfs up i was obsessed with that when i was little bt i bet if i watched it now i wld hate it LSHDGKLHSDLKG

DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — ticket stubs from the movies i go to, weird like vintage/homemade jewelry tht i never wear, old coins, etc.

WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — politics tbh

THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — spanish, latin, mandarin

MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — tangled........ i went thru a phase fr 2 months where i watched it every day i was so obsessed...........

NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — rue from euphoria probs the most tbh

IS THERE ANY MEDIA (BOOK/MOVIE/GAME/TV SHOW) YOU FEEL CHANGED YOU IN SOME WAY? — maybe the harry potter series...... the biggest rp besides this one i was in was based off it n what not so

DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — like now tht i have a bf who likes sports kind of?? my whole family loves watched the blue jays baseball and maple leafs hockey games so i Sit There bt i dnt rly . care tht much JSDGKLHLDSG

HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — /: reading?? fkin...... Drinking, i do some music stuff tht i need to . focus on again

PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — uh?? watch chris klemens on youtube if u dont

TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? (IF NOT APPLICABLE, WHO DO YOU LIKE MOST IN THE TWILIGHT SERIES) — i was jacob when i was younger now? alice and jasper........ the Real otp of twilight

LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — the lighthouse

DO YOU STILL READ FOR FUN? — not as much as i wish i did /:

IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — the furies fr the watershed book club

ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – i didnt hate it rly i like talking abt myself quite a bit its jst the truth

[got7-markjinson]

FUN FACTS TAG

Tagged by my sister wife / kpop soulmate @park9495 💕

HOW TALL ARE YOU? 5′3

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES? Black

DO YOU WEAR GLASSES OR CONTACTS? Glasses

DO YOU WEAR BRACES? No

WHAT IS YOUR FASHION STYLE? Smart Casual. My style is very boring. 😄 But I love sweatshirts and jeans

WHEN WERE YOU BORN? December 21

HOW OLD ARE YOU? *OLD* 

DO YOU HAVE ANY SIBLINGS? Yes two older sisters. We’re the charmed ones.

WHAT SCHOOL/COLLEGE DO YOU GO TO? I have finished a degree a long time ago, but I’m currently taking extramural classes in a University. 

WHAT KIND OF STUDENT ARE YOU? I’m lazy and cram-at-the-last-minute type 😅~ But I usually don’t get bad grades overall.

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVOURITE SUBJECTS? Hmmm... I enjoyed World History back in High School... and in College, I love Computer Programming (any language) 😄 

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE MOVIES? Depends on the mood, I enjoy watching any movie. Some of my faves are Howl’s Moving Castle, Ever After, Legends of the Fall, Avengers, Kill Bill (The genres are all over the place! LOL)

WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE PAST TIMES? Daydream or Sleep! If I’m awake I listen to music, watch/read anything GOT7 related, watch KVariety shows, anime, drama, cartoons, I sketch and write sometimes too~

DO YOU HAVE ANY REGRETS? I guess so, but I don’t dwell on it.

WHAT IS YOUR DREAMJOB? I would like to own a small coffee shop, and probably bake pastries. 😄💕 That’s still in the works, though I really love my job right now. I do programming work~

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET MARRIED? If you asked me when I was young, I would say yes. But now, I don’t know. If I meet the right person, maybe?

DO YOU WANT KIDS? HOW MANY? Yup, most probably adopt. If I’m alone, maybe just 1, but if I get married, maybe 2

HOW MANY COUNTRIES HAVE YOU VISITED? So far, 2 but that should be 3 by the end of the year. And I do plan to travel more~

WHAT WAS YOUR SCARIEST DREAM? I’m so bad at remembering my dreams. O_O Hmmm... I do remember when I was a child I dreamt of a woman in all black (looked like maleficent) and she has very long fingernails which is also black and she pricked the full white moon and then she also pricked my belly button. (Is that scary though?)

DO YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND? Not currently.

PUT YOUR PHONE ON SHUFFLE, WITHOUT SKIPPING, POST THE 15 FIRST SONGS THAT PLAY

1. ILYSB - LANY 2. Video Games - Lana Del Rey 3. Gondry - Hyukoh 4. Wet - Joo Young 5. All Star - Smash Mouth 6. Miyazawa Yukino IV (Piano) - KareKano OST 7. 3AM - Meghan Trainor 8. Last Leaf - Jung Yong Hwa 9. Jeepney - Sponge Cola 10. Mayday - GOT7 11. Good Tonight - GOT7 12. Take You Down - Chris Brown 13. Just Thinking About You - Vanilla Acoustic 14. Celebrate (Feat. Yonko, Def) - JOMALONE 15. Luna - Smashing Pumpkins

Tagging: @wanderingingot7wonderland, @boochange, @pbandj-hope, @datboichimchim, @moonlitorion, @little-jyp, @jagiyamark, @pinkjy, @jimins-crooked-tooth, @markthescammer, @ungiis, @2jaekisses, @flyera 

Just if you want to, I just tagged to let you guys know you’re on my thoughts 💕💕💕

[natasha-cole]

Ready Steady Part 22

Summary: Reader and Rob begin to breathe a little easier knowing that Chris is no longer a concern. Rob makes a big decision that puts the Reader in an awkward position. How will she react?

Word Count: 5792

Warnings: angst, anxiety, panic attack, fluff, soooo much fluff

Note: For the sake of the remainder of the fic, I’m using some old Louden Swain songs and making them new ones. Also, as you can tell, my reader is a singer/songwriter and a country girl at heart… so for her, instead of trying to write my own lyrics, I’m using songs by Miranda Lambert and claiming them as the reader’s own. Hey, this way, you can listen to the actual songs after you read!

Rob and Reader sing “Pushin’ Time” by Miranda Lambert again.

Another Note: I didn’t want to leave you with another cliffhanger, but I really can’t help it anymore.

Catch up: Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9

Part 10 Part 11 Part 12 Part 13 Part 14  Part 15  Part 16  Part 17  Part 18

Part 19  Part 20  Part 21

When the panic attack had subsided, you had finally eaten breakfast and spent the entire morning lying in bed. You watched some shows, dozed off here and there, and ordered more room service when you got hungry that afternoon. It had been a lazy day for you. At one point you decided to check emails, which had taken over your inbox since you had ignored it all for some time now. You had multiple emails from your manager who had been questioning whether you were going to finish recording any time soon. You still hadn’t explained to him your current situation and the fact that you needed to take a break from work. The last thing on your mind right now was finishing with your recording. You had already ignored phone calls from him for week, not wanting to deal with it, but you considered at least shooting him an email.

You typed up a quick reply, not wanting to go into too much detail. You explained that some things were going on and you would call him once you returned to L.A. You left it at that, feeling bad that you had bailed on everything. A career that you had wanted so badly had been right at your doorstep, you had performed new material, and you were so close to being done with recording. As usual, it had all been put on hold. You knew you were in no condition to even consider going back into the studio, nor could you perform at this time. It was just something that would have to wait even longer.

You finally considered joining everyone else at the convention later that evening. Lying in bed alone all day had you realizing how much you desperately missed Rob. You hadn’t been alone in some time; and although you felt that you needed it, it was causing you more anxiety than you had expected. Glancing at the time on your phone, you knew Rob was busy. He had promised to bother you with text messages while he was working, but he had really only been able to send a few just to check on you. Your replies had been brief and you thought about cluing him in about the panic attack you had just experienced, but as always, your fear of causing him to worry too much stopped you. Still, you wanted to see him. Climbing out of bed finally, you started to get ready, considering just heading down to the convention yourself. Another wave of panic struck you though at the idea of doing that alone. You knew you were safe for now. Chris was in custody and what he had done was grounds for a felony charge. But, you still couldn’t help but feel fearful of wandering down there alone.

It was irrational, you knew that. You began to wonder where the other you had gone; the one who was willing to leave your safe zone knowing full well that Chris was around. You wondered why you had spent years just dealing with whatever it was that Chris threw at you, playing off your abuse as “hey, it could’ve been worse”. You were no longer so nonchalant and used to the abuse. For the first time in years, you were actually afraid. Even knowing that you were technically safe at this very moment; you were a mass of anxiety and fear.

You grabbed your phone again, deciding that it was a better idea to have someone meet you at the room and walk with you. You chose not to bother Rob or Rich since they seemed to be the busiest people at the conventions.

You chose Kim. Kim had been your saving grace for the past few months. More than anyone else, she had helped you out through all of this; never judging you, always encouraging you, and still sticking up for you. If you couldn’t have Rob with you right now, you would certainly feel safe having Kim with you. You quickly found her name and opened up a new text message.

Y/N: Hey Kim, do you have a minute?

You moved toward the bathroom, expecting it to be a minute before she could reply, but glancing down at your phone you saw that your message had already been read.

Kim: hey! Yeah, I always have time for you!

Y/N: I wanted to come down to the con…

You thought about how to ask her to walk with you without sounding like a scared child about it.

Y/N: but I was hoping you could help me cover up these bruises first. I don’t want anyone to see me like this.

Kim: of course! Briana and I were waiting for you to come down. We have everything we need.

Y/N: do you have time to maybe come to my room instead?

You felt really bad for asking, knowing you would also be pulling them away from work and spending time with their friends.

Kim: we are on our way.

You smiled as you read her message. They really were too good to you. You felt a moment of gratefulness. Maybe you didn’t have a family to call your own, but Rob and his friends were more than you could ever ask for.

You tossed your phone on the bed and made your way to the bathroom. Looking at yourself in the mirror, you flinched in disgust when you saw the marks on your neck again. You had been here before. It’s not like this hadn’t been a common occurrence when you were with Chris. In fact, it had happened so often that you just became used to hiding the bruises. This time however, it disgusted you. Seeing these bruises, knowing that he did this to you again; made you angry. Even worse, it made that twinge of panic creep up in the back of your mind again. You felt yourself get dizzy again and you gripped onto the counter as you continued to stare at yourself in the mirror. Through the dizziness and the now growing shortness of breath, you glanced down at your belly. Placing your hand over your bump, you now felt guilty. There was another panic attack brewing within you and you couldn’t stop it. Your guilt was from the fact that, not only was your anxiety bad for you, but it was probably worse for your baby. Why couldn’t you stop this?

You must have been standing there for some time, trying to steady your breathing to fight off the anxiety; because you heard a knock at your door. You knew it had to be Kim and Briana. Part of you considered ignoring them for now so that they couldn’t see that you were struggling with the situation at the moment. The other part of you wanted them here. You wanted them to see and to know what you were going through. Mostly, you just wanted Rob.

Still dizzy, you made your way out of the bathroom toward the door, using your hands to guide you along the walls of the room. Your breathing became more and more erratic and you began to feel your hands and face go numb. By the time you reached the door, tears were streaming down your face as you sobbed loudly without even meaning to. You shakily opened the door, immediately greeted by Kim and Briana, whose smiles quickly fell when they saw the state that you were in. The ladies rushed in, taking hold of you as you allowed yourself to collapse into their arms. You let yourself cry, knowing that you really didn’t have a choice. You were in full panic mode and there was nothing you could do to stop it.

The women practically carried you to your bed, offering hushed whispers of “it’s okay,” and “we’re here, Y/N.” All you could do was cry and do nothing about the shaking in your body and the tightness in your chest. You cradled your belly, still worried about what all of this would do to the baby. You sat on the bed as Kim and Briana sat on either side of you, each running hands along your back to try to relax you.

You watched as Briana got her phone out, knowing that she was going to call Rob. You reached a hand up and covered her own hand and the phone, shaking your head to indicate that you didn’t want that. You had been such a burden to Rob as it was, you didn’t need to add on to it. Briana gave you a disapproving look and you were able to form a few words for her.

“Please, don’t. Not now,” you said in between short breaths. The girls continued to sit with you, trying to sooth you as the attack began to pass. Thankfully, they didn’t ever last long. Sure, they were scary as hell, but you started to feel better as your breathing steadied and the tightness in your chest subsided. Kim and Briana also felt the relief as you began to feel better.

“Are you okay?” Kim asked, still running her hand along your back.

“I-I’m okay. I just… I don’t know why this keeps happening. I should be relieved knowing that Chris is gone for now. But I can’t help but to feel so afraid.”

“What do you mean? This has happened before?” She asked.

“Yes, this morning, after Rob left.”

Briana sighed, “Y/N, this has happened twice in one day? You’ve got to tell Rob.”

“I know, and I will. But, I just don’t want to bother him. I don’t want to pull him away from what he’s doing. I can’t keep doing that to him.” You rubbed your hands together, attempting to help the numbness in your fingers dissipate.

“You’re his first priority,” Kim added, “as it should be. You and that baby.”

“I know,” you mumbled, rubbing your belly again, “I’ll talk to him after the concert tonight. I can’t make him worry before that.  It’s bad enough that he can’t even play guitar because of me. By the way,” you turned to look at Kim, “how is your hand? Rob’s is pretty messed up after he hit Chris.”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Kim replied, holding her hand up for you to get a better look. She had no bruising, unlike Rob. “it hurts a little, but I also didn’t hit the guy in his nose.”

“I’m glad you’re okay,” you said, “I’m still sorry you had to get involved in that.”

“Totally worth it though,” Kim smiled, “I’d be happy to punch him again.”

You forced a smile, remembering why you had called them here in the first place, “hey, can we do something about this?” you asked, lifting your head to give the girls a better look at your injuries. “I really want to be at the show tonight.”

“Yeah, we can cover most of it up I think,” said Briana.

“Good. I’ve also got a cute scarf from Ruth that can hide most of it.”

“Well, let’s get this done before we miss the concert,” Kim started as she checked the time on her phone.

When the bruising was covered as much as it could be, you threw the scarf around your neck and decided that you could finally show your face at the con without worrying about people seeing anything. You followed Kim and Briana downstairs, relieved that you would make it in plenty of time for the concert. If there was anything in this world that made you feel better, it was seeing Rob performing. He had been texting you throughout the day, checking on you and practically begging you to be sure to make it for the show.

When you finally arrived to the greenroom, you spotted Rob across the room and quickly made your way to him. He noticed you as you drew closer, that amazing smile forming on his lips. When you finally reached him, you practically fell into his arms. You just wanted to feel him hold you by this point.

“H-hey,” he stuttered as you wrapped your arms around him, letting your head rest against his chest. You breathed out as he returned the embrace. You felt his hands grip into your back as hip lips placed a kiss to the top of your head.

“I missed you,” you said, not letting him go.

“I missed you too,” he chuckled, “are you okay?”

“I am now,” you replied as you pulled back from the embrace to look him in the eyes. He reached up to cup your face in his hand, allowing his thumb to trace along your skin.

“What’s going on?” he asked. He looked at you curiously, obviously not completely convinced that you were telling the truth.

“Nothing,” you began. You weren’t sure if you really wanted to bring this up at this current moment, especially since he was due on stage very soon. “I just… had a bit of a moment earlier.”

Rob frowned, “what kind of moment?”

“A panic attack… or two?” you responded, raising your shoulders and scrunching up your face as if you were questioning it yourself.

“Two?” He asked. He ran his hand over his face.

“It’s fine, I’m just having a hard time getting past what happened.”

Rob let out a heavy sigh before pulling you in for another hug, “Y/N, why didn’t you call me?”

“Because you’re busy and you have a life other than me,” you stated. it was true, he couldn’t continuously drop what he was doing to help you deal with your anxiety. “besides, they pass pretty quickly.”

“Doesn’t matter,” he pulled back again, bringing your eyes up to meet his, “promise me that you will always talk to me if you ever feel like that again. No putting it off, no hiding it.”

You nodded your head. It actually felt really nice having him be so insistent on knowing how you were feeling at all times, even if you were on the verge of a breakdown.

“You’ve got a lot going on in your mind, I know you do. You don’t talk about it often, but don’t think that I’m not aware.” He had you found out. As he spoke, you realized that your behavior hadn’t really gotten any better. If anything, you were still pretty damn good at pushing him away. Truthfully, you had been waiting for something to finally click with him so that he would realize that he was wasting his time on a broken girl who was difficult to love. It was moments like this that you knew you were wrong about him. “We’re doing so well, please know that you can talk to me about anything. I’m here to help you get through this.”

“Okay,” you whispered. You gave him a smile as he leaned in to kiss you on the lips.

“We gotta be on stage soon,” he added, “you’ll be out there, right?”

“Of course,” you responded, “wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

He ran his hand along the scarf draped over your neck, eyeing you. “You can’t even tell,” he said, obviously examining Kim and Briana’s work.

“The girls are really good with makeup,” you giggled.

He didn’t say anything else, he only wrapped his arms around you again, pulling you in so that he could kiss you. Rob pressed harder into you, parting your lips with his own. He deepened the kiss, and you melted into it. You hadn’t known it beforehand, but it was exactly what you needed. You just needed him to remind you that he wanted you, that he loved you.

You sat back as everyone around you prepared for the concert. The energy in the room was high, people laughing and talking excitedly. You watched them move about, and couldn’t help but smile at the fact that the events from the previous day hadn’t spoilt the rest of the convention. The last thing you wanted was more attention on you. You reveled in the moment of just being left alone for the time being, until Rich found you.

“Hey, Y/N,” he said as he sat next to you, “how are you doing?” He looked at you with genuine concern and you knew what he was referring to.

“I’m fine mostly,” you assured him, “I’d be better if people stopped bringing it up though.” You hadn’t meant to sound so harsh toward him, but it was true. If everyone would stop talking about it and asking you if you were okay, you’d probably deal with it better. Of course, you weren’t okay. You were currently a mess and on edge most of the time, worrying that you’d panic again.

“I’m sorry,” he said awkwardly. He moved his eyes from yours, looking a bit ashamed at having brought it up.

“No, I’m sorry,” you sighed at his reaction, “I know you’re just checking on me, and I appreciate it, but it’s hard to deal with everything when it’s always right in my face; you know?”

“I get it, and I won’t bring it up again.”

“Thank you,” you placed a hand on his arm, grateful that he was willing to drop the topic completely.

“Look, I’ve already got to go,” Rich said as he noticed the rest of the cast heading for the door, “looks like we’re starting. But,” he turned his attention back to you, “I just wanted to give you a heads up… don’t be surprised if Rob maybe… possibly mentions you tonight and, by mentions you, I mean draws attention to you.”

You frowned, “what do you mean?”

“I can’t really say, and I told him to at least give you warning, but I know he didn’t.” Rich stood up, now looking down at you. “Just, don’t be surprised. And it’s nothing to freak out about… just go with it.”

You felt your heartbeat quicken as Rich turned and exited the room with everyone else. What did he mean? What was Rob going to do? You couldn’t help but to feel a bit of anxiety over knowing that something was going to happen but you didn’t have details as to what it was. The only thing that eased your mind slightly was knowing that Rob would never put you in a scary situation and he would never do anything to hurt you. You finally came to the conclusion that maybe he was finally ready to be open about the fact that he was in a relationship. You both knew that the fans knew about you. There were the pictures from Nashville and even pictures from the Louden Swain show that you had been at where Rob had no qualms over kissing you and signing to you in front of everyone. Of course the fans knew. Maybe he just wanted to confirm it. Or, maybe he was ready to make the announcement about the baby. You were through the first trimester, and it was a good time to make the announcement. You just weren’t sure about announcing it to a room full of fans. The thought made you nervous. You didn’t understand the fan relationship really since you were always a behind-the-scenes kind of person in the music industry.

Whatever it was that Rich had meant… whatever it was that Rob was up to, you relaxed with the knowledge that it would be okay.

A volunteer escorted you to your seat in the theater. You wanted to watch from the crowd, it was your favorite way to see the band play. Backstage was no way to experience a concert. You thanked the volunteer as you took your seat which was a few rows from the stage and off to the right. Not as close as the first time you had seen Rob play, but you weren’t complaining. You looked around the room at the faces of the excited fans, a grin spreading across your face just knowing that these people were here to see the guys play. Occasionally, you’d catch the stares of a few people around you. Some would stare at you, then turn when you noticed them to talk to the person next to them. You chuckled, wondering if you had been recognized.

As you began to relax more in your seat, the show finally started.

You watched them play, with the same excitement that you felt the first time you saw them in Nashville. It didn’t matter, every time they played… no matter where they were, it was always an amazing performance. This time however, you felt it was strange to see Rob perform without playing a guitar. Your eyes fell to his injured hand and your chest tightened when you remembered what had happened. Yes, he had hurt it because of you… but more importantly, he had hurt it defending you. The thought made you feel butterflies again. You decided to no longer feel bad about it, but now you felt extremely lucky to have a man like him.

You caught yourself singing along to the songs with the rest of the crowd, finally feeling like you fit in. The set was similar to the one you had seen in Nashville, so it was easy to sing along. Only this time, there were a few guests who joined the bad to sing. Kim, Briana, Ruth, Matt… Rich obviously joining to play bass.

When Rob started “She Waits”, you realized it was getting closer to the end of the set. So, you tried hard to really enjoy the last few songs. You watched intently as he sang. You loved the way he sang any song, but this one was especially important to him and you couldn’t help but be amazed at how intense and emotional he became every time he sang it.

The usual happened. The band exited, only to return again for an encore. You knew they would probably sing “Amazing” and they would definitely sing “Medicated.” So, you waited excitedly since you really loved “Medicated.” It was always fun; not just for the band and the cast, but for the fans as well. Instead of going right into the first song of the encore, Rob got to the mic and began to talk. You felt your nerves act up again when you realized that he was, in fact, talking about you.

“A little while ago,” he began, “I met someone by chance, and she turned out to be probably the most important person in the world to me.”

You felt your face flush with embarrassment as you watched him scan the room for you. You moved down in your seat to try to hide, smiling like a fool at the same time.

“I know she’s here,” Rob continued, “and I was hoping she’d come join me up here for a moment.”

Rich had been right. Rob had, in fact, just called you out in front of everyone. You had expected him to simply tell everyone you were his girlfriend, but you didn’t expect this. You knew you couldn’t leave him hanging up there by refusing to take the stage, but the nervousness was overwhelming. You started to shake your head in response, even knowing he couldn’t actually see you.

You wanted to go to him, but you froze. You could feel eyes on you and when you looked around, you realized that a lot more people knew who you were than you could have ever expected. Much of the audience in your area were looking right at you.

“Y/N?” You heard Rob call your name from the stage. You had definitely been spotted by him finally. You caught his gaze the best you could, pleading silently with him to stop. But, he only smiled at you, still waiting for you to join him. You felt the person next to you nudge your arm and you turned to look at her. She gave you an encouraging smile and said, “Go!” You nodded at her, feeling a lot more calm when you realized that she wasn’t shooting you dirty looks. You knew that had always been your main issue with being noticed by Rob’s fans. You didn’t want to deal with the jealousy that you thought often came along with fandom. For some reason, this woman’s simple encouragement made you realize that maybe, his fans just weren’t that way.

Before you realized it, you were willing yourself to stand up. You scooted past the other people in the row of seats, heart still racing. You clutched your belly protectively, now wondering if they could all tell now that literally every eye in the room was on you.

You walked to the side of the stage, stopping for a moment to look at Rob. He motioned for you to keep going, keeping that sweet smile on. You finally did as he had asked and stepped on to the stage. When you got to him, he embraced you and you took the moment to try to figure out what was going on.

“What are you doing?” you hissed in his ear. The idea of being in front of all these people had you now on edge.

“It’s okay,” he laughed, “trust me.”

He let you go and moved back to the microphone.

“This is Y/N, I’m sure most of you have seen her around,” the audience cheered which caught you off guard slightly since you were expecting “boos” to start at any minute.

“She’s your girlfriend!” someone shouted from the crowd. Rob laughed at the outburst.

“Yes, she is. But, she’s also a really amazing songwriter who happens to have an even more amazing voice,” He turned his head to face you, motioning for you to come closer. “And, if it’s okay with her, I was hoping we could sing a song that we wrote together.”

The crowd cheered louder now and Rob moved to grab a guitar which he brought back to you. You took it from him hesitantly as you spoke to him.

“Really, what are you doing?”

“Come on, you’ve done this before. I saw you at your show, you poured your heart out in front of those people and you haven’t been on stage since. You put everything on hold for me, and for our son. It’s time.” He brushed a hand against your stomach as you held the guitar at your side.

You realized that he hadn’t stopped thinking about you and your career. You had often thought about when you would ever be able to finish recording, when you would be able to perform again. You hadn’t thought about the possibility of Rob caring about all of that.

“You’ve got to play,” he said, holding up his hand to remind you that he couldn’t, “Let’s do ‘Pushin’ Time’”

“We’ve sang it once,” you argued, feeling nervous that you wouldn’t remember it, “what if I fuck up?”

“You won’t. You got this.”

You adjusted the guitar, standing at the microphone as Rob moved to the next one over. You cleared your throat as you tried to look out into the crowd. Luckily, you were mostly blinded by the lights, so you couldn’t really tell just how many people were watching you. You swallowed hard and began to strum the tune. Rob had really put you at the center of attention, and although you were nervous as hell, you glanced over at him again and just seeing his face light up at the realization you were actually going to do this made your worries dissipate.

You started to sing, just as you had done with Rob in the privacy in his home. You started the first verse shakily, not sure if you could gather your composure at this point.

Are we fools for rushing in? ‘Cause already dread the end Lonely ain’t no place to start I guess thats just where we are

You breathed a little easier, focusing on playing the right notes as Rob took over the next verse, just as he had done the only other time you had sang the song together.

Oh, how I remember well The sunset on April 12th I disappeared to get a drink You still kept your eyes on me

You joined him in the chorus again. You suddenly began to feel less nervous. There was something about having him there with you, singing with you. Your voices blended together and you felt the familiar shivers down your spine at the sound.

Sometimes love acts out of spite And good things happen over night Can’t take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin’ time

When it was your turn for the next verse, you glanced over to Rob who met your gaze. He smiled at you, and you couldn’t help but sing just for him. In that moment, you knew there were hundreds of people watching the two of you, but you felt as if they had disappeared; so it was only you and him, singing to each other again.

I didn’t plan on falling fast I didn’t know I could be kissed like that Now I’m trading miles for minutes This bed’s too big without you in it

You both made it through the chorus again, and you watched Rob intently as he took the last verse. You really did love this man. Just the fact that he had pulled you up here to sing the song that you had written together, the song that was about the two of you and this whirlwind of a romance that you had both fallen into; it made you happy to know that he didn’t care what anyone thought of your relationship. He was in this with you and only you.

Sometimes love acts out of spite And good things happen over night Can’t take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin’ time Can’t take it slow 'cause you and I are pushin’ time

You strummed out the final notes, surprised that you had managed to play the song all the way through with no mistakes. While you had started out nervous as hell, you now felt very comfortable up there with him as the audience cheered for the two of you.

Rob walked toward you, taking your hand as you waved to the fans. You laughed as he helped you remove the guitar and returned it to its spot behind you.

“Thank you,” you said as he hugged you again, “that was actually a lot of fun.”

He pulled back and kissed you, right there in front of everyone. You could almost hear the fans screaming louder as you lost yourself in his kiss for a moment. When he was done, you gripped his hand and moved to make your way off the stage finally. That had been enough attention for one night and you were happy to let him get back to performing with his band. Before you could take a step, he gripped your hand tighter and pulled you back so that he could stand in front of the microphone.

“Hold on,” he said to you, not letting go of your hand, “there’s one more thing…”

You cocked your head at him out of curiosity. Surely this night couldn’t be filled with any more surprises. He finally let go of your hand once he was sure you were staying put so that he could take the mic from its stand, then he began to speak again. You expected him to address the audience, but he instead faced you, eyes never leaving your face as he spoke.

“We’ve been through a lot together,” he started; this time, attempting to take your hand again with his own injured hand. You chuckled at his attempt and held onto him softly as he continued, “It’s been really crazy and really difficult sometimes; but I want you to know that I love you and I always have.”

You felt your face flush again. Why was he saying all of this in front of everyone? Your mind began to race with thoughts of what was going on.

“From that moment that I met you in Nashville, I knew you were it for me. I knew you were the one. And we didn’t expect everything to happen so quickly, but it did. Now, we’re starting a family, and I couldn’t be happier about that.” He moved his bandaged hand to your belly as he said the words. You were sure the entire room had finally been validated in their thoughts that you might be pregnant.

“What are you doing, Rob?” you finally spoke, still unsure of what was happening.

You caught a hint of a sly smile cross his lips. He let go of your hand suddenly, moving the mic to his bad hand the best he could, and reached into the pocket on the inside of his waistcoat. He fumbled for a moment, and you couldn’t help but notice that he had become very nervous about something suddenly. When he found what he was searching for, he regained his composure, still holding the mic in his bad hand as he reached back with the other to take your hand yet again. You felt something in his palm and he gripped your hand tightly. You tried to move a bit, to see if you could figure out what it was, but his grip only tightened as you did so. You narrowed your eyes at him in confusion as he dropped to one knee on the stage.

Your heart stopped briefly, still unsure of what was happening, but knowing exactly what this looked like. Rob moved the microphone back to his lips and continued to speak.

“Y-you have to know how happy you make me. You have to know how much I love you,” he began to stutter, growing nervous again. You smiled at how adorable he was when he was in this moment. You weren’t positive, but you had a good idea of what was happening now.

“Rob,” you said, hoping he could hear you. You realized that the audience had grown silent, they too were waiting for… whatever this was.

“Y/N, w-will you make me the luckiest man in the world?” He paused for a moment and you looked into his eyes that were now almost pleading with you. He was now a wreck, and you weren’t sure if he could make it through whatever it was that he was about to ask.

“Rob,” you said again, this time feeling tears well up in your eyes. You couldn’t believe this was happening right now, but you were sure it was. He grinned at the sound of your voice and he continued.

“Y/N… will you marry me?”

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[laughriotgrrrl]

Iliza is wrong. But it’s not her fault (kinda).

By Bobbie Oliver On Twitter: @TheBobbieOliver

Iliza Shlesinger begins her interview in Deadline Hollywood ok, “a big part of my comedy is wanting to speak to women and people that are my age in a funny and relatable way. I think the landscape of what’s available out there for women is not as extensive as it could be.” So far, so good (except the limiting it to people her age). But, then she goes on to say:

“I’m so glad you asked that [the way she portrays female comedy in her new project] because I put in those sketches and no one’s ever asked me about it because I think people were too busy laughing in agreement. As a comedian, I have a set of morals. I have a specific point of view. I think a lot of what I see out there, out in comedy clubs, watching contests, watching TV, watching movies—gathering data from these different matrixes…

When you’re a woman in comedy and you get a break, people get so excited about it, but while we have to work hard to get that attention, I do think many women think, “Oh if I just act like a guy, if I go for that low hanging fruit…” Everything’s about sex, or how weird I am. It all just kind of runs together.

I could walk into The Improv, close my eyes, and I can’t tell one girl’s act apart from another. That’s not saying that 30-something white guys don’t all sound the same sometimes, but I’m banging my head against the wall because women want to be treated as equals, and we want feminism to be a thing, but it’s really difficult when every woman makes the same point about her vagina, over and over. I think I’m the only woman out there that has a joke about World War II in my set. I think shock value works well for women, but beyond that, there’s no substance. I want to see what else there is with such complex, smart creatures.”

I included the quote so no one could say I misrepresented her words. Those were her exact words. Since this was released, Iliza has been bombarded with responses from female comics (myself included) because it turns out people weren’t just “laughing in agreement” and that she did not succeed at talking to women “in a relatable way.” Did Iliza look at those comments, think ‘hmm maybe I am missing something and should listen to these women’s collective experiences?’ Spoiler! Um, no. She doubled down; she attacked; she ranted and raved and blamed women with (since deleted) tweets to the effect of ‘women shouldn’t complain about what I said; women just need to get better; my experience is more valid than yours; I worked TEN WHOLE YEARS and nobody gave anything to me; everyone is just jealous; if it doesn’t fit you, don’t be offended...’

There is SO MUCH to unpack there, and I may be all over the place cause I’m pissed I have to sit down and blog about this shit AGAIN. I just got finished producing the 3rd Annual Laugh Riot Grrrl Festival, which features over 100 female comedians each year in a week’s worth of shows and activities. I was feeling pretty good about the state of women in comedy (rare for me) and thinking we just smashed the Patriarchy, even if it were just a little. And then, I turn on my computer to see yet another dick dissing women in comedy, setting us back instead of propelling us forward- and this time that dick was a fellow female comic. I am angry, yes, but mostly I am disappointed. But, Iliza said this is her experience and we have to take that as gold. Well, here is my experience...

I started doing comedy in college at 19 years old in 1988 (a little longer than TEN WHOLE YEARS). As a elder in the comedy community (I am 49, been doing comedy for 29 years, teaching comedy for 13 years, wrote a critically acclaimed book about comedy, own a comedy school, was on the road for years on the East Coast and moved to LA 20 years ago, etc), I feel like it is my OBLIGATION not only to create as many opportunities for women in comedy as possible (in addition to my women’s comedy fest, I produce women-only open mics, feminist comedy shows, etc), but to elevate other women as often as I can ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC INTERVIEWS. No, I am not rich or famous. Probably never will be. But, I have made my entire living off comedy most of my adult life and my experience matters, too.

Saying women shouldn’t be offended by her lazy answer in an interview if it doesn’t apply to them is like Trump saying Mexicans are rapists and black people are criminals but don’t be offended if you aren’t those things. Nice try. And women just need to get better?? Seriously? Do you know how tired you sound? How many racists have said, in response to being confronted on lack of diversity in their school, business, organization, ‘black people just need to earn it like the rest of us.’ Yeah, cause Obama was the first black man to ever be qualified to be President? Not even close.

Iliza, your experiences are a lot more limited than you realize. Ten years is nothing in comedy and you know that. It is a well-known adage in comedy that it takes 10 years just to find your voice. Getting to your level of success in 10 years thanks to Last Comic Standing (and yes, I and many female comics voted for you, and don’t regret it) is a fast track to the top, bypassing decades of work that other women have put in. Did you deserve that? Sure, why not? You deserve it as much as anyone. But, don’t pretend it didn’t come fast and relatively easy. Because of that, you haven’t worked in as many low level rooms as most of us, so your experience is limited mostly to comedy clubs. Comedy clubs rarely book women, even more rare to have two or more on a single show. All the years I was on the road, I was only in a comedy condo with another woman TWICE. The comedy clubs that do book women are not booking a representation of the best female comedy. Just like Justin Bieber being mega rich and famous is not a representation of the best in music.  A more accurate comment would have been, ‘I walk into the Improv and they only book a few women and all the same kinds of female comics. Comedy clubs need more diversity.’

Iliza was right when she said that the “landscape of what’s available out there for women is not as extensive as it could be.” Therein lies the problem. But, you don’t begin by basing the state of female comedy on the “handful” of women you see around. For one thing, I know women who have been unbooked from shows with Iliza because her ‘people’ told them she doesn’t like to have too many women on a show (if those emails are false, she should take that up with her people). Also, most headliners, Iliza included (in my experience) don’t stay in the room and watch all the other comics. I am guilty of that, too. It’s easy to roll up in the club right before your set and leave the room right after. I mean, what comedian wants to watch every other comedian? But, that limits your ability to accurately report on the state of comedy. Because I produce so many events for female comics (and have to be in the room), I see hundreds of women perform yearly in open mics, standup shows, festivals, sketch groups, etc. By producing events like my yearly Women in Comedy Roundtable, I get to/choose to listen to women A LOT. Those women are trying to speak now, and we need to listen and really hear them.

Let’s also talk about smart comedy, low hanging fruit and using our comedy powers for good or evil. I have mutiple degrees, am extremely well-read and follow politics very closely. I don’t think I’m unusual. Most comics make it a point to have informed opinions. Iliza boasted that she’s the only female comic with a WWII joke. Well, she’s not. And, even if she were, what the fuck does that matter? I talk about politics, rape culture, feminism, homelessness, as well as marriage, kids, my Trump-supporting  dad, and occasionally, will make a pussy reference if I goddamn feel like it. Men are never policed on their dirty joke subjects, on their ‘bad language’ so I will not be, either. All the hateful rape jokes men tell, and we are worried that a women said, ‘pussy,’ really?? And my pussy does not hang low, thank you very much.

Iilza, like every person you ever hear say women aren’t funny enough, is a victim of the Entertainment Industrial Complex. Art is not TV. If you see a limited number of women and those women all make similar jokes (all jokes that Iliza herself has made), you are not seeing a fair representation of women. You are seeing the ones that made it past the gatekeepers in one way or another. Perhaps they are funny, but perhaps they are also hot, don’t rock the boat, know their place or were in the right place at the right time and got lucky. I have always rocked the boat, never accepted their idea of my place and have never been hot. I do feel lucky because I make a living performing standup and writing jokes for other comics. And I can tell you that I am AMAZED by the state of female comedy. Absolutely flabbergasted at the depth and talent and wit of the incredible women I get to (because I make it a point to) work with weekly. Right after the festival, I was quoted as saying that the only way I was able to get through 14 shows in one week is because every women was not only hilarious, but SO DIFFERENT from each other. My husband, comedian Chris Oliver, said the same. We also book tons of men and, frankly, some of them run together in my mind. Sometimes I can’t remember who made which shitting my pants in traffic joke and which ones told which rape jokes. I mean, let’s face it, MOST COMEDY IS HORRIBLE. It is. It’s painful. But, a lot of those comics get better and wiser and more likeable. Some are given regular spots at the Comedy Store (by some, I mean men, of course) and have an opportunity to grow and reflect and change and improve.

Feminism is already “a thing,” and we are equal, no matter who acknowledges it. As feminists, we need to use our comedy powers for good, to help a sister out. Iliza mentioned hiring women on her show and as openers for her. That’s great. Honestly. It is. Does it make you Feminist of the Year? No. In that major public platform, Iliza was given a chance to be heard by more people than most comics, especially women, ever get. She did not widen the landscape for women, she relied on tired old easily-disproven stereotypes that will not elevate us a profession, but will serve to help keep us as second class citizens in comedy. That statement validated every person who thinks women aren’t funny enough. I mean a famous female comic said it, so it must be true.

There is nothing wrong with misspeaking. We all fuck up. But, after the shock and anger wears off, it’s time to take a real look at our own misconceptions and the role we play in the fight as a whole. And did anyone ever figure out what that “one point” about the vagina is?

[pixelbatsy]

92 things!

yiKes im so late to this but i was tagged by @craighsiao, @kittenmusicals, @pbophelia, @zigisbisexual, and @mermaidwarriorqueen yall are so crazy i love yall thank u w all of my heart :’)))

THE LAST:

1. Drink: water 2. Phone call: my mom 3. Text message: "dont watch princess bride” w a pic of it buffering from my friend lmao 4. Song you listened to: fetish by selena gomez my newest bop 5. Time you cried: an hour ago bc of my shit eyebrows that got Ruined!

HAVE YOU:

6. Dated someone twice: lol

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: lol no

8. Been cheated on: LOL 9. Lost someone special: yes 10. Been depressed: hooyeah 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: not yet djfakld

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS:

12. millennial pink lol 13. periwinkle 14. maroon

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. Made new friends: hooooo boy yeAH irl and on tumblr!! 16. Fallen out of love: specifically w thomas hunt sry bb 17. Laughed until you cried: me 24/7 18. Found out someone was talking about you: hajdhf yeah but she cried and apologized so we’re cool now 19. Met someone who changed you: omg yes so much 20. Found out who your friends are: yesyeysyes i luv them 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: who still uses fb

GENERAL:

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: none?? 23. Do you have any pets: an inside cat, 3 strays outside that we just feed and they just chill out here, and also some fish that are like 6 years old 24. Do you want to change your name: i wanna switch my first and middle name 

25. What did you do for your last Birthday: i went on vacation in florida and new orleans with my best friends hfjakdhf 26. What time did you wake up: 12:30 my sleeping schedule is fucked 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: watching makeup vids lol 28. Name something you can’t wait for: TRR CHAPTER 15!!!!! 29. When was the last time you saw your mom: 30 mins ago idk 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my ability to talk to people bc my anxiety!! ahhaha!!!! 31. What are you listening to right now: FETISH BY SELENA GOMEZ A BOP!! 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: no?? 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: my fukxign eyebrows that the lady messed up ughggjkhsd 34. Most visited Website: is this even a question lmao tumblr and youtube 35. Mole/s: ugh i have one on my stomach and it bothers the shit out of me but i have more in other places im just too lazy to look 36. Mark/s: do cat scratch scars count bc i got a lot of those 37. Childhood dream: my mom told me my 1st grade teacher asked what i wanted to be and i remembered the episode of curious george that i watched before leaving the house and said an ice cream girl in the park but either that or become ariel 38. Hair color: rly dark brown but in the sun it turns rly light like into like honey brown idek 39. Long or short hair: ive had both but long hair is such a chore so short bc i have like medium rn 40. Do you have a crush on someone: who needs that when ur already married to henry cavill but chris powell, drake, the prince, maxwell, dick grayson, jason todd... 41. What do you like about yourself: i DID like my eyebrows smh its ok theyll grow back 42. Piercings: lol i didnt even get my ears pierced so none 43. Blood type: who are u identity theft fuk off m8 44. Nickname: CATLYN, kk, kalina bc me and my friend have a 824 snap streak and its our #goals ship name 45. Relationship status: single married to henry cavill i even had to organize my own wedding for a project in floral design sophomore year 46. Zodiac: cancer im a crybaby ik 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV Show/s: pretty little liars, grimm, young justice, the big bang theory, two broke girls, sherlock, and family feud lmao 49. Tattoos: i want somethin smol but not yet 50. Right or left hand: i was gonna be a lefty but my daycare person literally treated me like shit and made me use my right hand so now im a righty and she got her ass fired :)) not like i remember anything tho lmao

51. Surgery: ortho surgery bc my mouth was too small and my teeth were so fucked up but braces gave me a glo up lol 52. Hair dyed in different color: omg no but i have these rly cool brown streaks on the side of my head and its also underneath my hair but its rly pretty ppl always ask me about it bc its like genetic idk its cool 53. Sport: i fucking live for watching football om Fg

55. Vacation: im guessing this is where ive been?? so uh hawaii, florida, mississippi, louisiana (and bish i been to shreveport, louisiana home of my boi jake mckenzie dshfjs), texas aka my home, las vegas, california, cozumel, jamaica, belize, and soon the bahamas!! 56. Pair of trainers: oh my god i have like 30+ pairs of shoes i love shoes!!

MORE GENERAL:

57. Eating: nothing rn i ate steak for dinner tho 58. Drinking: water! 59. I’m about to: start watching a youtube video 61. Waiting for: my bday party w my friends on wednesday (lowkey those choices chapters too i wish my bb chris powell could wish me happy bday :’)) 62. Want: a BIG FAT bank account 63. Get married: to a nice rich husband yuh finished the sentence

64. Career: im a senior in hs and i got accepted into my pharm tech class aaaah were gonna get to go to hospitals and and wear scrubs and shit im so excited i wanna be a pharmacist or like somewhere in the med field bc they make BANK and also they help ppl :’)) 65. Hugs or kisses: from my future bb kisses 66. Lips or eyes: eyes yus 67. Shorter or taller: im 5′5 so im smol and theyre tol 68. Older or younger: mmm i prefer older but only like a year younger if theyre worth it dhfgsk 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: this is so hard but arms bc abs arent a requirement but arms,,,, yes 71. Sensitive or loud: how am i both sensitive and loud (tru) 72. Hook up or relationship: lol relationship i want it all 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant but troublemaker when im feelin big mood

HAVE YOU EVER:

74. Kissed a stranger: uh kinda 75. Drank hard liquor: not yET LMAOOO 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope 77. Turned someone down: jkasjdf lowkey yeah 78. Sex in the first date: no omfg sfdhgj 79. Broken someone’s heart: wym 24/7 lmao jk no 80. Had your heart broken: by many fanfics lord lol 81. Been arrested: nonoono 82. Cried when someone died: im making animals count so yes 83. Fallen for a friend: almost but skrtskrr were still friends

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

84. Yourself: if i try really hard YUH 85. Miracles: 11:11 twice a day for extra good luck yuh 86. Love at first sight: lol no 87. Santa Claus: yeah until i was like 14 88. Kiss on the first date: YUH WHY NOT if theyre not shit 89. Angels: meh not really

OTHER:

90. Current best friend’s name: omg irl alina and caroline my bbs and online @evisms i rly love u,, so much 91. Eyecolor: brown 92. Favorite movie: the man from uncle that ive seen 7 times!!, wonder woman!!, ex machina, hidden figures, coraline, and moana

im not gonna tag anyone bc prolly the entire choices population has done this but hit it up if u wanna!!

[darling-stay-with-me]

Tagged by @vampirefairyestelle (sorry this took so long it got lost in the freak out of the Supergirl episode)

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: Coke

2. Disney or Dreamworks: Disney

3. Coffee or Tea: Coffee

4. Books or Movies: Movies

5. Windows or Mac: Mac

6. DC or Marvel: I really don’t give a fuck

7. Xbox or Playstation: Playstation

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: Mass Effect?? Heard more about that

9. Night Owl or Early Rise: Early Rise?? I dont like waking up early but once I am up I am fine

10. Cards or Chess: Cards

11. Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate... duh

12. Vans or Converse: Converse. I live in these shoes

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: Dont know what this about

14. Fluff or Angst: Both?

15. Beach or Forest: Beach

16. Dogs or Cats: DOGS

17. Clear Skies or Rain: Clear skies if I have to go somewhere, Rain if I dont

18. Cooking or Eating Out: Cooking. Just because it saves money

19. Spicy Food or Mild Food: Mild Food. I have a shit stomach

20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: Christmas. Halloween isn't a thing in NZ

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot : a little too cold. Just but more layers on

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? Telekinesis would be cool. If I had the powers of the Charmed ones I would be happy

23. Animation or Live Action: Animation

24. Paragon or Renegade: Again dont know what you are talking about

25. Baths or Showers: Showers.

26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: Team Cap

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi: Both

28. Do you have three or four favorite quotes? If so, what are they: 

“Any other illness, any other disease that we're faced with, there's sympathy and understanding. We get help for those. With mental illness, our go-to is to categorize them as, 'Oh, they're crazy,' to belittle the problem.” -Chris Wood (read this one recently and thought hey he has a point)

“Theres nothing more badass than being who are” - Darren Criss (classic one)

“Everything happens for a reason” - Charmed (I'm sure someone else said this but it was mentioned a lot on the show and stuck with me

29. YouTube or Netflix: Youtube

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Harry Potter

31. When You Feel Accomplished: After finishing an assignment that I thought was never going to get finished.

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: Star Wars?

33. Paperback Books or Hardback Books: Hardback

34. Handwriting or Typing: Typing. Handwriting is like a five year old

35. Velvet or Satin: Velvet

36. Video Games or Movies: Movies. 

37. Would you rather be the dragon or own the dragon: Be a dragon

38. Sunrise or sunset: Sunset

39. What’s your favourite song: Dont have one at the moment

40. Horror Movies yes or no: YES

41. Long hair or short hair: Long hair

42. Opera or Theatre: Theatre

43. Assuming the multiverse theory is true and every story ever told has really happened somewhere, which one of the movie/book/tv show/game/etc worlds would you pick to travel to first: Harry Potter

44: If you had to eat only one thing for the rest of your life what would it be: Potatoes or Chocolate

45: If you are stuck on an island..and you could be stuck with ONE celebrity..who would it be: Chris Wood... of course

46: What is your special talent: Ahhh I'm really good with dates and peoples birthdays?

47: If you could have the life of a celebrity for one day, which celebrity would you have the life of: Maybe Melissa Benoist because I want to soak up as much awesomeness as I possibly could from her and the rest of the cast

48: Team Edward or Team Jacob: Was Team Edward back in the day but have since grown up and realised I am Team Bella getting the fuck out of there

49: Vampire Diaries or Vampire Academy: Vampire Diaries

50: Your biggest fear: Family/friends/dog dying. Also Snakes which is a stupid one coz I live in New Zealand where this isn't a problem but still 

51. What is one of your strengths?

I am not tagging 51 fucking people! Just anyone that wants to do it. I am too lazy to tag anyone! 

[tune-collective]

The 20 Best deadmau5 Songs

The 20 Best deadmau5 Songs

He may not be one for metaphors or lofty album titles, he may not know how to refrain from weighing in on any given subject, he may not really know how to play a bunch of traditional instruments, but Joel Zimmerman, aka deadmau5, is absolutely one of electronic dance music’s greatest producers.

He’s quite prodigious with eight studio albums released in 10 years, a successful label that helped spawn Skrillex and others, and his own music production Master Class series. You get the feeling he does everything the hard way, but he somehow does it so well.

Here’s a list of the 20 best deadmau5 songs to date, in our critical opinions. Enjoy, and feel free to disagree.

20. deadmau5 – “Bot”

For Lack of a Better Name is deadmau5’s fourth studio album and one that cemented the noise artist as one of the greats. It spawned tons of hits, and while “Bot” isn’t the LP’s grandest achievement, it is one of deadmau5’s most interesting songs. It’s full of wacky textures and frog noises. It sounds like the tribal music of exotic aliens who dwell in some kind of fantastic cyber jungle.

19. deadmau5 – “Alone With You”

This glittering bit of progressive house come from Random Album Title, deadmau5’s beautiful third LP. The persistent beat keeps bodies moving through the sparkling, melodic mist. It’s the kind of emotional build one happily and aimlessly explores over and over again.

18. deadmau5 – “Closer”

That exciting five-note progression should be instantly recognizable as John Williams’ alien-speak melody in Close Encounters of the Third Kind. Daft Punk also used the sample, officially titled “Wild Signals,” as the intro to its Alive 2007 set, but deadmau5 takes the motif and turns it into something even grander. He deviates after the first two minutes, though those five notes continue to make their way in and out of the melodic lines. Maybe the aliens are listening.

17. deadmau5 – “Snowcone”

The first official single from deadmau5′ latest album, W:/2016Album, earns its name. It’s light and airy atmosphere captures the feeling of a light snow, and as we move forward into the beat, we find ourselves exploring deadmau5 hidden love of hip-hop rhythm. Kanye West and Pete Rock are fans. They shared a video of themselves listening to it in the studio, upon the reception of which deadmau5 announced “Snowcone” as one of his favorite songs on the new LP.

16. deadmau5 – “Infra Turbo Pigcart Racer”

Track five from while(1has got to be one of the most unique weapons in deadmau5′ musical arsenal. At just more than nine-and-a-half-minutes, it tells the supersonic story of, well, let’s pretend it really is a piggy racecar driver. It’s called Fast and the Furriest, and it is all about one adrenaline junky porker who makes his way into the Tron world and unlocks the true supersonic potential of those light bikes. Alright, I just made all that up, but doesn’t it sound like that?

15. deadmau5 – “Hi Friend”

This song perfectly captures the vibe of going out to your favorite nightclub and running into everyone you know and love. Lots of electro, heaps of filters, and dope party raps from MC Flipside.

14. deadmau5 – “Aural Psynapse”

Though it appears on 2011’s 5 Years of mau5 double-disc compilation, “Aural Psynapse” was first recorded and released in 2001 under deadmau5′ former alias Halcyon441, another Joel Zimmerman screen name lost in the annals of time. Proving the old adage that everything old is new again, the single went on to peak at No. 7 on Billboard‘s Dance/Electronic Digital Song chart. It’s a beautiful, emotional song where synths take the lead in all shapes and forms. Definitely a classic deadmau5 atmosphere.

13. deadmau5 – “HR 8938 Cephei”

This stand-alone release never graced an official deadmau5 album. It was one of Zimmerman’s Soundcloud dumps, but it’s nothing to overlook. At nearly 11-minutes long with a distant star namesake, it’s a progressive journey that starts cold and somber, builds into a hopeful, shoulder shaking beat, and here and there blasts the listener with strong, powerful moments.

12. deadmau5 – “Brazil (2nd Edit)”

Whatever happened to the first edit of “Brazil?” Well, deadmau5 decided it wasn’t that important. He might have been right. This track has been sampled by Kylie Minogue, Alexis Jordan, and Taio Cruz. It’s got an infectious beat and an easy-going staccato synth melody. Does it make you feel like you’re in Brazil when you listen to it? It’s a lot cheaper to enjoy than a vacation, in any case.

11. deadmau5 – “Maths”

Who’s ready to get weird? We are, and deadmau5 is bringing the electronic, alien funk heavy on this cut from 2012’s > album title goes here It served as the album’s lead single, and originally, it was supposed to be the final track on 4×4=12. The anxious, rising motion of the hook is the stuff dance floor come up dreams are made of. No one can stay seated when a tune like this gets dropped. This weird little tune is a get-up-and-go machine.

10. deadmau5 – “Moar Ghosts N Stuff”

Question: Why does “Moar Ghosts N Stuff” precede “Ghosts N Stuff” on 2009’s For Lack of a Better Name? Answer: Because deadmau5 is a troll, and he does whatever the hell he wants. This creepy organ intro is bone-chillingly cool. It’s actually a sample of Frederic Chopin’s Piano Sonata, Op. 35, No. 2 in B-Flat Minor, if you care to know. The vocal sample is from a monologue in The Brain From Planet Arous, a black-and-white, 1957 sci-fi indie flick. It also is an incredible way for deadmau5 to say “yeah, I just totally changed the game, and I am one of the best ever. Part two comes before part one. -shades fall on eyes- Deal with it.” This motif is one of deadmau5’s most memorable and instantly recognizable melodies. It just had to crack the top 10.

9. deadmau5 – “Sometimes Things Get, Whatever”

Another absolute fan favorite, this one being an early cut from 2008’s Random Album Title. It’s an easy song to relate to. We’ve all been overwhelmed by life to the point that we revert to cold robot mode, right? Zimmerman probably feels this way all the time. He’s totally that perfectionist sound engineer guy who frets over everything. I can’t actually say that with certainty, but c’mon, listen to this. Ironically, it’s a pretty straightforward and simple composition. He’d probably have a big explanation for why that’s not true, of course. It probably took like a million hours of engineering to create this. It’s probably too complicated to explain, so, you know, whatever.

8. deadmau5 – “Animal Rights” with Wolfgang Gartner

Storytime! This jam dropped a couple weeks before I turned 23, and the night of my birthday, I was partying in college, and some drunk frat guy wandered into our after party and heard it was my birthday and decided he was gonna give me a lapdance. So I put on “Animal Rights” and he was like “Hey, I really like this song. Who is it?” And I was like, “Don’t worry about it and take your clothes off.” That has nothing to do with how awesome this Wolfgang Gartner collaboration is, how it’s super funky and was totally exciting and fresh at the time, how it blends Gartner’s signature “complextro” sound with deadmau5’s awesome, techy atmospheres – but then again, maybe it does. Either way, go get a lap dance from a frat boy to it. It’s a pretty fun experience, even though he’s totally feeling himself more than you are.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_esYONwdKuw

7. deadmau5 – “The Veldt” feat. Chris James

Grab your reading list. This tune is inspired by a Ray Bradbury short story, also titled The Veldt. That’s more to do with Chris James’ original lyrics, but it’s still totally awesome. You should know Ray Bradbury as the guy who wrote Fahrenheit 451, and if you don’t, get it together! deadmau5 created this song live during a 22-hour livestream. Dude is insane, right? The original version is just more than eight-and-a-half minutes long, and when the radio edit ends at just more than two-and-a-half, you’re like “wait, where is the rest of the song,” but the video is really cool, so we share it with you. This is a majestic bit of music, a perfect combination from deadmau5 and James.

6. deadmau5 – “Some Chords”

I nominate this track for Best Song Title of All Time. Basically every song in the history of ever could have this name, but only deadmau5 was lazy and clever enough to think of it. The chords in question are the backbone for the song, the musical template around which the beat aimlessly meanders. The chords evolve through different instrumentation, all the while the texture accents weave in and out to build the song to an aggressive fever pitch. 

5. deadmau5 – “Raise Your Weapon”

Heartbreak is never easy, but the music is inspires is some of the best ever written. “Raise Your Weapon” is a rallying cry, something to cling to in times of sadness. It’s opening piano notes, matched by singer Greta Svabo Bech’s listless vocal entry, welcomes your sorrow, but soon, the song finds strength, just as you will, given enough time. Bech is positively powerful by mid-section, and of course, so is the music, which eventually dissolves into a dubstep breakdown. It grips the listener from beginning to end, and though it’s a rather primitive bit of dubstep, it’s got some of the cooler noises we’ve heard in the garish genre. We’re happy to hear those piano chords finish it out, though. Part of your sadness never dies.

4. deadmau5 – “Faxing Berlin”

Faxing is an outdated form of communication, but it may have still been slightly relevant when deadmau5 first released this track in 2006. Email was totally relevant by then, but old people, you know? Famously supported by Pete Tong, “Faxing Berlin” is actually deadmau5’s first single ever, which is worth celebrating in itself. It’s also the first-ever release from mau5trap records. It’s also a constant favorite among fans, it’s slow build progressive vibe being absolutely quintessential to the deadmau5 sound. It’s one of his chillest, prettiest compositions. It’ll put you in a trance you’ll never want to escape.

3. deadmau5 – “I Remember” with Kaskade

“Faxing Berlin” is beautiful, but “I Remember” is one of the most luscious, gorgeous, all-encompassing electronic tunes of all time. It’s got classic written all over it, from the moment the beat and chords hit your ears, to the transcendent minute vocalist Haley Gibby sings into the mic, on through its full, spell-binding nine minutes. It’s kind of the perfect rave anthem, with soft female vocals whispering vaguely positive messages and chords in the tone of soft blues and whites. Something about it makes me reminisce about raves I went to in the mid 2000s, or maybe that’s just the song’s reminiscent vibe creeping into my head. I see what you did there, guys. Good game.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h7ArUgxtlJs

2. deadmau5 – “Ghosts n Stuff” feat. Rob Swire

Here we are again, these instantly-recognizable synth chords, this moment-defining sound. Of course, this time, we get the incredible Rob Swire, a man who was already a legend for his work with Pendulum, and who would go on to be even more famous as Knife Party. Swire is a beast on this track. This song was originally created at the request of Pete Tong, who essentially dared deadmau5 to make a new tune in time for his appearance on BBC Radio 1 Essential Mix. It’s one of deadmau5’s biggest hits ever, which is more than impressive for a last-minute production. This beat matched with these scream-along vocals makes for one of dance music’s most memorable refrains. It’s a classic. Kids 20 years from now will be like “have you heard Ghosts n Stuff,” and wish they were around to party in 2009, for sure.

1. deadmau5 – “Strobe”

I don’t think anybody would argue against “Strobe” being deadmau5’s best song. It’s iconic. It’s got all the elements that make deadmau5 the producer he is. It’s slow and pretty, it takes time to evolve, it’s got a slow and steady build, it erupts into progressive house perfection, it even carries a bit of hard electro edge. It’s just the jam. It’s such the jam, deadmau5 recently reimagined it for mau5trap’s 100th release, then he gave it away for free because he knew all you fools wanted it so bad. It’s one of those perfect electronic tunes that stays with you forever, and for that, we owe deadmau5 our eternal thanks.

Source: Billboard

http://tunecollective.com/2017/02/14/the-20-best-deadmau5-songs/