#first off the song here is Santa Baby by Michael Bublé himself

[badly-drawn-bbu]

Idea: Billie purposely singing Christmas songs with very different lyrics from the original.

BDBBU Holiday Spectacular 2023 PT. 12!

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[mazzelloiii]

Cheesy Christmas songs - TGIC gift for @fallingprincess

hi @fallingprincess, i’m your secret santa for the fantastic Thank God It’s Christmas event organized by @dtfrogertaylor ❤️ i hope you have a great day filled with many many amazing things!!!!!!!!!!!

this is your gift, a lil Ben x reader fic i wrote. hope you like it!

title: Cheesy Christmas songs

pairing: Ben Hardy x reader (but the whole borhap squad is in it)

warnings: none, really. (i just wanted to say that english is not my first language, so if there are spelling mistakes or wrong structures or whatever, just let me know)

words count: 2.2k

summary: Since you moved to England, your life has been nothing but work. With Christmas just around the corner, you find yourself hating everything holiday-related because you don’t have anyone to share the magic of Christmas with. Or do you?

Christmas was all around you. Decorations were hanging everywhere you went, people overcrowded the streets with their hands full of bags, still shopping for presents, and you could hear All I want for Christmas is you or Baby it’s could outside in every shop, café, even in your workplace and in your apartment, coming from your neighbours’ place.

It was a downright nightmare.

You hated it, and so you had been in a bad mood since the beginning of December.

To be fair, it wasn’t that you hated Christmas per se.

Actually, you loved it when you had the chance to spend it with your family and go all out, hanging mistletoe everywhere in your house and putting a massive tree up in your living room, drinking hot chocolate and blasting Michael Bublé’s entire discography at all hours of the day. Yes, you were just like all those Christmas-crazed people in the streets you had almost yelled at.

But this year… everything had changed. You had moved to another country, and that meant that you didn’t get to see your family during the holidays, and that already put you in a bad mood. Add to that the fact that even though it was the holidays you were going to work most days, because you needed as much money as possible to pay your rent, and that you hadn’t met more than a couple people since moving, and it all explained why you were acting like the Grinch.

You couldn’t help it, really. You wished you could spend the holidays being carefree and light-hearted, but it was all so much… you felt overwhelmed.

Having responsibilities really sucks, you thought while retrieving your small apartment’s keys from the pocket to open the door.

In that very moment your phone started to ring.

-One moment, just one fucking moment!-you yelled, as if whoever was calling you could hear you.

It probably was an advertisement call, or your boss telling you that you had to cover someone’s shifts.

When you saw the caller ID, your eyebrows shot up in surprise.

Lucy. She was a coworker, a fun girl you really enjoyed talking to in between shifts or during breaks, but you still weren’t so close that you would dare to call her a friend. Even though the relationship you had with her was probably the closest thing to a friendship you had made since moving in that goddamn place called England.

You answered, curious as to why she was calling you. You had never talked on the phone, nor you had exchanged texts.

-y/n! Fucking finally!-she said with a laugh. You could hear other people talking in the background, as well as music. Needless to say-a Christmas song.

-Sorry, I was opening the door…-you replied, a little embarassed.

-Oh, it’s okay. Don’t worry. I was calling to invite you to the fucking-best-Christmas-Eve-party eveeeer!

She had sung the last part, and you heard whoever was with her laughing and mocking her.

-Oh yeah, she’s definitely coming after that stunt-said a deep voice, while another added:-Sorry if I tell you this, Luce, but singing is not your greatest skill.

You thought for a moment. Why was she inviting you? You weren’t even that close… and she was clearly in good company already. Was it out of pity?

-Listen, Lucy, thanks for the offer, really, I appreciate it, but I’m really tired, so I think I’ll just get in bed really early…

She interrupted you mid-speech:-Oh, stop already with that, Grumpy! Come on, you’ll have fun. My friends want to meet girls and at first I got really offended because they have me and don’t appreciate me enough, but then I thought that they would really like my amazing coworker. So just come… please?

Despite everything, you found yourself smiling.

Maybe… it wasn’t a bad idea, after all?

You had just got home from a shift, and your next one was tomorrow afternoon. You had plenty of time to stay home nursing a hangover in case things got a little too crazy at that party… for fuck’s sake, you deserved some fun.

-Yes, Lucy. I’m coming.

-Yesss! I’ll text you the address. Come as soon as you can.

Maybe your Christmas was going to be a little less shitty than you originally thought.

 You got out of the uber, trying to find balance on your heels. You had been trying to find the right outfit for what felt like forever, finally opting for a simple red dress that showed your shoulders, elegant but not too much. Then you had put on a layer of mascara and a coat of lipstick.

You didn’t want to look like you had put too much effort into it, even though it was the first social event you were attending since moving to England.

You approached Lucy’s building and quickly got in, feeling a little nervous as you found the right floor and rang the bell over the tag that said Boynton.

The door opened and you found yourself in front of a guy with blond hair and the most striking blue eyes you had ever seen. He was tall and quite muscular, but he was wearing the most obnoxious Christmas jumper you had ever seen, red and green with little Santas in different positions all over it.

-Nice jumper-you grinned.

He immediately blushed at your words.

-I’m Ben, and I don’t usually wear clothes this ugly, I swear-he said-you must be y/n.

You shook hands and you felt a shiver go through your body at the contact… who knew Lucy had such attractive friends?

When you walked through the door, you were welcomed with the smell of baked cookies and the view of Lucy sprawled across a couch with another guy, plus Ben who had just joined them.

-y/n!-Lucy yelled-come here, join us, I want you to meet everyone!

You sat with them and the guy introduced himself as Rami. He seemed quiet but fun, and he and Lucy were quite the pair, him all silent and her screaming at the top of her lungs.

-Sorry for her, when she drinks she always gets like this…-Rami explained to you with a smile.

-I didn’t drink anything! Stop saying bad things about me, you meanies-she retorted with a pout, then she hugged Rami and put her head on his chest.

Ben gave you a meaningful look and stretched you his hand to take:-Why don’t we go see what Joe and Gwil are doing, y/n?

You took his hand and he led you to the kitchen just around the corner, where two other men seemed busy with a tray of gingerbread. Ben’s hand left yours, and you had to stop yourself from reaching for it again. It had felt so warm…

-y/n, you are here! Come taste our cookies-said the shorter man of the two, who had reddish brown hair, with an American accent.

You felt kinda dizzy for a moment, realizing that in only five minutes you had had more social interactions than you had in months.

You smiled and took a cookie from the tray.

 -These things you baked… what the fuck are them?

Ben’s question caused Gwilym and Joe’s immediate indignation: the tall Welshman you had met in the kitchen flipped him off, while the other man blew him a raspberry.

You just laughed at their shenanigans.

The four of you were sitting on the living room floor, on the carpet right next to the Christmas tree, sipping hot chocolate and eating gingerbread cookies. Rami and Lucy were on the couch engulfed in each other’s arms, their eyes closed but not quite asleep yet.

-Really, were they supposed to be gingerbread men? This one I’m eating looks more like a rugby ball.

-Shut up. y/n likes them. Don’t you, y/n?

You nodded exaggeratedly at Joe’s question.

-Yes. They are perfect. Don’t listen to this one, he’s just mean-you said, gesturing to the blond man sitting right next to you.

At your words, Ben’s mouth gaped.

-Et tu, Brute?

You shrugged and showed him your tongue.

-I thought you were on my side-he pouted.

-Aw, but I am, you poor thing-you replied sarcastically, but you couldn’t help but smile at his petulant expression.

-Doesn’t seem like it.

You comforted him with a caress to his shoulder, and out of the corner of your eye you saw Gwilym and Joe exchanging a glance and smirking.

You felt your face heat up.

Was it that obvious that you were really flirting with him? But most importantly, was he flirting back?

-So, are they… a thing?-you said out of the blue pointing to Lucy and Rami, trying to divert the general attention from you and Ben.

-Not officially. They are making us suffer so much, for fuck’s sake. It’s so obvious that they are into each other, but first there’s Lucy coming to us worried that Rami doesn’t like her back, then Rami calls me and says he’s sure Lucy doesn’t like him like that. It’s like being back in middle school, Christ-Gwilym answered, his eyes rolling up to the ceiling.

-And you, y/n? Do you have someone special, a boyfriend, girlfriend?-Ben asked you nonchalantly.

-Oh, no. I moved here just a few months ago… I barely have any time to eat or sleep, left alone to find a boyfriend-you said, a little embarassed.

-And no one’s tried to make a move on you? Wow.

You didn’t know what to answer to that, so you just chuckled lightly. So he was flirting back with you.

-Ben, why don’t you show y/n the balcony? Gwil and I will go make some other cookies, since you ate all of them-Joe said, getting up and heading to the kitchen with the other man.

-Shall we go?-Ben asked you, extending you his hand.

You took a deep breath and took it, nodding.

 -Pretty, isn’t it?-Ben asked you.

You were on the small balcony of Lucy’s house, looking down at the park just across from it.

-I mean, it’s not the greatest view, but it’s really rare to find a house with a balcony in London-he added right after.

You nodded and leaned against the white wall next to you, closing your eyes and enjoying the cold air of the night against your face.

Then you let it all go.

-Tonight seems so crazy to me. I hadn’t been around people like this in so much time… I only worked and studied, and barely took care of myself. Hanging with you guys made me realize that this is all real… I really moved and my life is continuously changing every day. And I’m so fucking terrified.

He turned and looked at you, but remained silent.

-This is all such a cliché-you laughed then. The whole situation seemed absurd.

He looked startled at you.

-What is?

-Everything. Me, my life right now, you flirting with me and taking me out to show me the balcony… I thought you would use a better excuse to get me alone, to be honest.

He snorted at your words.

-This was all Joe’s doing, actually. He tries to be a good wingman, but I would do much better on my own. Is it working, by the way?

-What?

-Me flirting with you.

You felt butterflies fluttering in your stomach but tried to hide it with a snarky smirk.

-Oh… I’ll have to think about it. Try harder, maybe?

He rolled his eyes, then his face became serious and he took your hand into his gently, giving you time and space to retract it if you wanted. You didn’t.

-And about what you said… I get it. Moving away from home is scary and hard, and you are a hero for enduring it all on your own for so much time. But you don’t have to figure it all out alone. We are all ready to help you if you want. Lucy, Rami, Joe, Gwil and me, of course. I can be your friend, before we try to be anything else, if you want to.

-Wow, I… Thank you.

You were at a loss of words, and you could feel your eyes welling up with tears. Don’t cry, don’t fucking cry now, you told yourself.

You hadn’t realized how difficult it all had become to do everything on your own and not have anyone to share your daily life with, and now you were feeling all the weight you hadn’t even known was on your shoulders leaving you, and the sense of relief was amazing. You didn’t have to do it all alone. Thanks God.

Before you could say anything else you felt loud cheers coming from inside the house, and then someone put on Mariah Carey’s All I want for Christmas is you.

Ugh, cheesy Christmas songs. Maybe you could start to like them again, after all.

-Looks like it’s midnight. Merry Christmas, y/n.

You smiled at Ben. Then you did something that surprised even yourself: you got closer to him, so close that you could feel his breath on your face, and gently put your lips against his.

He immediately responded to the kiss, putting his hands on your middle.

It was quick and sweet, just a brush of lips against lips.

When you pulled away, you both had your cheeks red.

-Merry Christmas, Ben-you whispered.

Maybe your holidays weren’t going to be as bad as you originally thought.

[silverarmedassassin]

To Save Me From Tears

Pairing: Bucky x Reader  Word Count: 2853 Warnings: Jealousy. Clueless Bucky™️ A/N: This was one of the first ones I wrote! It actually helped give me the idea to write all 25 days! I’m not sure how I like the ending (I struggled a lot with finishing this for some reason), but here it is. Day four!

Summary: Another year, another Stark Christmas Party. But this year, karaoke is involved and, even though you didn’t plan on getting up there, sometimes a song is the only way to express your feelings.  

2019 Christmas Masterlist 

“You’ll save me a dance, right Sergeant?” you ask coyly as you finish tying Bucky’s tie. It was light blue, the exact color of his eyes. He smiles down at you as you flatten the collar of his black-on-black suit, those eyes crinkling edges.

“‘Course. Wouldn’t dream of missing the opportunity to dance with the prettiest girl in the room.” He adjusts his sleeves as he examines his reflection in the metal of the elevator door.

You turn around to look at yourself as well, admire the way your cranberry-colored dress sways as you do so. You couldn’t help but notice Bucky did the same, his eyes traveling up the long skirt, up to the lacey bodice. When his gaze finally lands on your face, you can see, even in the distorted reflection, that his cheeks are now bright pink.

“Come on,” he grumbles shyly, grabbing your lace-covered arm as the doors opened. “Stark won’t like it if we’re late.”

You and Bucky weren’t together. Yes, he sent you the coveted “good morning” and “good night” texts every day, and invited you as his plus one to more than your fair share of game nights with the Avengers, but it was because he was a genuinely nice guy. A nice superhero guy.

There was nothing special or super about you. You worked in the public relations department for crying out loud, slaving around the clock to fix any screw-up the team made and making sure the public absolutely adored them. Bucky would never be interested in you, not when he was surrounded by agents and literal super-humans.

Everyone else disagreed, however. Even Tony made a point to tell both of you that if a move wasn’t made soon he would be forced to interfere. And that was the last thing you needed.

That’s why you decided tonight would be the night you were finally going to say something to Bucky. It was a perfect time - after all, there’s nothing more romantic than confessing your love for someone amid the overly-crowded Annual Stark Christmas Party.

Avengers, agents, and employees like yourself were spread out across the Compound. It turns out the room Tony had built specifically for press conferences doubled as a great dance floor.

You were out on the terrace with a group of your coworkers, watching as liquored-up bodies crammed together like sardines. Outside was just as beautiful as the inside - strands of white, twinkling Christmas lights bordered the open doors, and the standing tables were adorned with crystal votives. Stark hadn’t left a single pebble unturned when it came to this party, so the state-of-the-art heaters littering the space fought off the mid-December chill. It was just warm enough to be comfortable, but still several degrees cooler than inside. Perfect for a breather.

You were only half-listening to the conversation you had found yourself in, your focus more on the happenings around you. You could hear Thor singing off-key to Mariah Carey’s “All I Want For Christmas Is You.” How they convinced the God of freaking Thunder of all people to participate in Christmas karaoke was beyond you, but you were thrilled it was happening.

You smiled as you took a sip of your spiced cider, relishing in the way you could feel the warmth travel from your tongue to your belly as you drink. Maybe after another couple of these, you would finally get the courage to go talk to Bucky.

A hand flapping in front of your face draws you from your thoughts.

“Hello, earth to Y/N,” David, one of the IT guys said.

You feel heat spread across your face and you know it’s not from the cider. “I’m sorry, what?”

David huffs and your little group snickers to themselves. “We were asking about your plans for the holidays. Since Stark gave us the next two weeks off…”

“She was busy looking for Loverboy,” Carley says. You roll your eyes at your officemate’s snark.

“I was not looking for Bucky.”

“I didn’t even mention a name! Ha! I think I know what her plans are for Christmas.” She wiggles her eyebrows at you suggestively and everyone burst into laughter.

“It’s not like that,” you whisper, turning your attention back to the crowd inside.

“The man brings you lunch more days than not, walks you to your car when you stay late, and invites you to family game night. Almost every week, may I add.” Carley points an accusatory finger at you. “I’ve been here for seven years and I haven’t even been invited. It’s been six months for you! He’s got it bad.”

You could feel the embarrassment creeping back to your cheeks. Finishing off your cider in one massive gulp, you turn to the group. “I’m going to get another drink. Anyone need a refill?”

“Classic deflection,” David mutters as they all wave you off. You knew this conversation wasn’t over, but you were happy to dodge it for the time being.

You shove your way through the crowd that was now cheering for Thor. He bows dramatically before passing the mic off to Natasha, who is deeply focused on finding a song. The familiar, sultry notes of “Santa Baby” start to chime through the hall. You’d expect nothing less from Nat.

Finally, you make it to the bar, where you find Steve and Sam in the middle of a heated debate about which era produced the best Christmas music. Steve, of course, is partial to the early 1900s, while Sam insists Michael Bublé is the best Christmas singer to ever grace this earth. You chuckle as you slide your empty flute to the bartender and wait for a new drink.

“Ah, there she is!” Sam finally acknowledges your appearance, effectively ending the frivolous debate. He pulls you in for a quick side hug before Steve does the same. “Where have you been hiding? Been lookin’ for you all night!”

“I’ve been...around. Mostly trying to dodge getting drafted for karaoke. I’m not drunk enough for that yet.” You laugh as you watch Natasha shaking her hips on stage. “I don’t think I’ll ever be drunk enough for that.”

The boys follow your gaze. “Nonsense. You’d have all the men eating out of your hand if you got up there,” Sam sasses as your drink is slid towards you.

You hum in response, ignoring the comment as best as you could. “Have you guys seen Bucky? I uh, need to talk to him.”

Sam and Steve share a knowing look. “Are you finally going to say something to the pathetic sap?” Steve laughs as he peers at you over his whiskey tumbler.

Before you can reply, a familiar, gruff laugh drifts over to where the three of you are standing. Your heart leaps a little as you turn and spot the top of Bucky’s head, hair starting to fall loosely out of the bun at the nape of his neck.

Taking another drag of your cider and straightening your poster, you get ready to make your way over to him. Before you can get more than a step away from Steve and Sam, you’re frozen on the spot. Standing across from Bucky, using one of the tall tables as a rest, is a tall blonde. Her eyes crinkle as she touches Bucky’s left arm as she laughs at something he’s said. He never let anyone touch his metal limb. A slight pang of red-hot jealousy washes over you.

This was it. This is exactly what you meant when you said Bucky would never fall for someone like you. Not when there were women like her floating around the Compound, all fit and beautiful. This woman, who you come to recognize as one of the newest agents Natasha had recruited, exudes so much confidence that you can literally feel it from where you’re standing several feet away. She’s a literal vision in icy blue, the exact color of Bucky’s eyes. And that damn tie.

Steve clears his throat from behind you, placing a gentle hand on your shoulder obviously trying to pull your attention away from the scene in front of you. You harshly shrug him off. You didn’t want his pity, nor did you want to hear the trademark Captain speech you knew always followed tense emotional situations. You watch as the woman leans closer to Bucky as he says something into her ear. She smiles again, a flash of something in her eyes and she takes a sip of her drink. You’d seen enough.

“Excuse me,” you say, downing your almost-full flute of cider and ditching it on the bartop. Before either of the men can stop you, you’re shoving through the crowd. You’re on a mission and nothing was going to stop you.

You make it to the front of the room in record time, stopping right in front of the make-shift stage where Natasha is finishing her performance. You catch her eye and she gives you a devilish smirk. “Y/N!” she yells into the mic. “Your turn!”

The crowd, despite more than half of them not knowing you, goes crazy. Good. They gave you the little needed confidence you need to pull this off. You knew exactly what song you’d be singing, exactly who you’d be singing to. You climb up the few steps of the platform and graciously take the microphone. It only takes you a few moments to find the song, and you let all nerves and self-conscious thoughts melt away as the retro beat of “Last Christmas” fills the room.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart But the very next day you gave it away This year, to save me from tears I’ll give it to someone special

You let your gaze linger further out than just the group of people bobbing along in front of the platform. You spot Natasha by the bar, talking animatedly at Sam, who is shrinking in on himself like a wounded dog. Was she scolding him?

Once bitten and twice shy I keep my distance But you still catch my eye Tell me, baby Do you recognize me? Well, it’s been a year It doesn’t surprise me

Thank god he’s tall because there’s no way you would have been able to see Steve’s blonde head making its way through the crowd if he was as short as he was once upon a time. He’s headed straight towards Bucky, who has abandoned the blonde he was flirting with earlier to watch you.

You’re surprised when, instead of feeling triumphant in your ability to get Bucky’s attention, you’re filled with anger. Maybe a little tinge of regret for not telling him how you felt sooner. Definitely a surge of self-loathing and despair. Damn alcohol. You make eye-contact as best as you can with Bucky as you start belting the next verses.

A crowded room, friends with tired eyes I’m hiding from you, and your soul of ice My god, I thought you were someone to rely on Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on

You watch as Steve begins, what you can only assume, scolding Bucky. He’s yanking his hands this way and that, occasionally pulling them through his hair. Bucky breaks eye contact, briefly looking at his best friend in front of him before looking back to you.

The blonde agent is long forgotten now.

When the last line is belted out, storm off the stage and make towards the main hall. You were no longer in the Christmas spirit, and you definitely didn’t want to talk to Bucky off all people right now. You just wanted to sit on your couch with a bottle of cheap wine and wallow in self-pity. Unfortunately, it seems your Christmas wish isn’t coming true tonight.

“Y/N!” Bucky huffs as he runs up behind you, gently grabbing your arm to stop you. “I’ve been looking for you all night!”

You contemplate trying to pull away, but you know it’s no use with his strength. You take a deep breath in an attempt to bury the emotions you’re feeling before turning to face him. The look of pure excitement and happiness on his face cued you in on the fact he didn’t know you were upset.

“I’m sure you were,” you mumbled as you looked down at his hand still holding onto your arm.

“I can’t believe you got up there and sang,” he laughs, dropping his hand and using his metal one to rub the back of his neck. “I was just telling Yelena that…” Bucky trailed off when he noticed you stiffen at the mention of, who you could assume, the blonde agent you had seen him with not 20 minutes ago.

“Uh, yea well...” You shrug not knowing what to say to that. “I’m not really in the party mood anymore, so I’m going to head out. Better go find Yelena again” You know you’re being petty, but it’s more out of anger at yourself for getting your hopes up than anything. 

“What? No, I can walk you out if you’d like?” 

Before you can respond, a heavily accented voice breaks through the crowd you’d edged your way out of. 

“James! There you are!” Yelena says as she shoves her way out into the hall. “You ran off so quickly I wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

“Yea, everything’s fine. I found Y/N and didn’t want to lose her again,” Bucky turned back to you then a beaming smile on his face. “Y/N, this is Yelena. I uh, knew her back when Soldier was in control...”

“It’s so nice to finally meet you,” Yelena interjects, holding her hand out for you to shake. “I’ve heard so much about you tonight. I was about ready to come to find you myself so this sap would shut it.”

She nudges Bucky in the ribs and he grumbles in response. 

“You know, I was just about to say how happy I am that Nat brought you here, but I take even the thought back.”

Yelena snorts and rolls her eyes. “Anyway, I’m going to leave you two to it. Sam challenged Natalia and me to a drinking game. I have some ass to kick.” And just like that, the blonde disappeared back into the crowd. 

As you and Bucky watch Yelena walk away, you couldn’t help but laugh. Watching the way they interacted made you realize that you may have slightly overreacted. Thanks, insecurity. 

“What?” Bucky asks, turning to look at you. 

“I’m just realizing how stupid I am.”

You look to Bucky and are met with a look of confusion. “What do you...Oh, you though...Yelena and...” He lets out a genuine belly laugh then, one that would normally warm your entire body but now makes you want to punch him. 

“Don’t laugh at me,” you pout, crossing your arms across your chest in defense.

“I’m sorry,” Bucky gasps between laughs. “It’s just, I’ve known Yelena since she was younger. Watched her grow up, even if it was from afar. Her attitude reminds me so much of Becca that I practically see her as my little sister!”

Bucky grabbed your hand as the karaoke faded away into the live-music portion of the night. I instrumental version of “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas” started to float through the room. 

"I meant it when I said you were the prettiest girl in the room. I spent the entire night fighting with myself on trying to find you. Yelena was trying her hardest to get me to you but, I guess I was just nervous. The truth is,” he says as he brings his other hand to rest on your lace-covered waist, “I really like you.

“And I know everyone is always making comments about how we, ya know...I just didn’t wanna ruin anything. But,” he starts gently swaying you both the music then. The grin on his face reminds you of pictures of old footage of him back during the war, back when he wouldn’t have given a second thought about coming right up and asking you to dance. “When I saw you up there singin’, it reminded me just how beautiful you are. And how sweet, and gentle you are with me even though hell knows I don’t deserve it.

“So, I guess this is just my roundabout way of askin’ you to be my girl. Because I’d be stupid to let someone like you get away from me.”

“Buck,” you whisper as you step closer into his embrace. You blink rapidly trying to fight back the tears that are threatening to fall down your face. “I never realized how big of a sap you really are.”

This helps break the tension, and Bucky lets out a soft chuckle. “Is that a yes then, pretty girl?”

You smile as you lean in and rest your head against his shoulder. You let yourself get enveloped by the smell of the cologne you gave him as an early Christmas present specifically for tonight’s party. “Of course, Bucky. I’ll be your girl.”

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 12/12/2020

For the first time ever after being released in 1994, Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas is You” has hit #1 on the UK Singles Chart, like it did on the US Billboard Hot 100 last year and will probably do so this year. This is a really short week full of nothing so that might be the biggest story here, and the song deserves it. It’s a great song and it’s genuinely massive. I wonder how newer songs like Kelly Clarkson’s “Underneath the Tree” will be able to enter themselves into the Christmas canon after Mariah Carey proved that it can be done with modern pop. Well, that’s not for us to find out today, because this is REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Like I said in the introduction, this is far from a busy week, which almost surprises me. Sure, nothing important was released – except that Shawn Mendes album which flopped remarkably and debuted at #12 on the Albums Chart this week – but I did expect another festive flood of holiday tunes. To my surprise, this didn’t happen or at least not to the extent that I assumed it would. Sure, we still have a lot of Christmas songs replacing newer pop songs that had already been in the charts, ‘tis the season, but this week only had five notable drop-outs from the UK Top 75, and none of those are that notable. I guess “Ain’t it Different” by Headie One featuring AJ Tracey and Stormzy, one of the biggest hip-hop hits of the year, dropping out is a pretty big deal, but otherwise we just have “Diamonds” by Sam Smith, “UFO” by D-Block Europe and Aitch, “Come Over” by Jorja Smith and Popcaan, and I guess “Chingy (It’s Whatever)” by Digga D. All of these songs are recent and might have a rebound after the Christmas season is over, but I do have my concerns about the longevity of these songs, particularly because of how, you know, none of them are actually good. I guess now we could discuss some of our biggest fallers, which are of some quantity considering the season, so I’ll run these off quickly: “Midnight Sky” by Miley Cyrus at #15, “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #18, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa at #20, “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #21 (these last four songs were all in the top 10 last week, by the way), “Prisoner” by Miley Cyrus featuring Dua Lipa at #22, “Really Love” by KSI featuring Craig David and Digital Farm Animals at #31, “Monster” by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber continuing to free-fall to #33, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur at #35, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #37, “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior at #38, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK at #40, “Lemonade” by Internet Money and Gunna featuring NAV and Don Toliver at #45, “Dynamite” by BTS at #46, “Lonely” by Justin Bieber and benny blanco at #52, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #54, “i miss u” by Jax Jones and Au/Ra at #56, “What You Know Bout Love” by the late Pop Smoke at #57, “Sunflower (Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse)” by Post Malone and Swae Lee at #61, “All You’re Dreaming Of” by Liam Gallagher off the debut at #62 (our biggest fall this week), same goes for “No Time for Tears” by Nathan Dawe and Little Mix at #71 and some long-lasting hits right at the tail end of the chart: “Princess Cuts” by Headie One featuring Young T & Bugsey at #72, “WAP” by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion at #73, and “Looking for Me” by Diplo, Paul Woodford and Kareen Lomax at #74. We do have a lot of Christmas gains and returning entries, so before we get to anything non-Christmas, let’s round off those real quick. Returning to the chart are “Santa’s Coming for Us” by Sia at #69, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra at #66 and “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby at #63. There are a lot more of our notable gains though: “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” by Sam Smith at #65, “Cozy Little Christmas” by Katy Perry at #58, “Love is a Compass” by Griff at #53, “Feliz Navidad” by José Feliciano at #51, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #49 (the biggest gain and deservedly so), “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #44, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Dean Martin at #43, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #41, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #36, “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney at #32, “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #30, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono with the Plastic Ono Band featuring the Harlem Community Choir at #29, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams at #28, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #26, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #25, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #17, “This Christmas” by Jess Glynne at #13, “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande at #11, “Step into Christmas” by Elton John at #10, “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” by Band Aid at #8, “It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #7 and finally, “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens at #6. That’s not all of our gains and returning entries though, as we do have some peculiar events outside of the Christmas singles. First of all, “Blinding Lights” by The Weeknd is up to #39 thanks to a remix with ROSALIA, and secondly, “WITHOUT YOU” by The Kid LAROI returns to the chart at #23. I have no idea why or how this happened but I want it gone as quickly as possible. Anyway, we have three new arrivals to talk about, none of which are particularly interesting, so let’s get on with those.

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Real Stuff” – Juice WRLD and benny blanco

Produced by Dylan Brady, Jack Karaszewski, Henry Kwapis, Cashmere Cat and benny blanco

The song’s not called “Real Stuff”, but come on, this is a family show. About a year ago, Jarad Higgins, or Juice WRLD, died tragically at age 21 of a substance abuse-related seizure. Naturally, since it’s Juice and his label we’re talking about, they’re still pumping out unreleased content. Two songs of this nature were released around this time, one with Kid LAROI and Kim Petras we’ll probably see next week and even higher on the chart, but first of all, an emo rap anthem produced by benny blanco and Dylan Brady of 100 gecs. I mean, okay, sure, it is 2020 after all. Blanco posted on social media about how this was his first ever recorded song with Juice when they had a studio session before Juice was that recognised, and before he was signed, they cooked up a lot of music. This makes it surprising how it didn’t leak after all this time but it shouldn’t matter. What’s important is the quality of the song and since this is a genuine song from a real-life studio session, it’s not nearly as insincere and cynical as some of the other posthumous projects from Juice. Sadly, I don’t this makes it any good. The clicking, stuttering trap beat doesn’t sound bad with his bumping 808s but doesn’t complement the acoustic guitar strumming or even Juice as much as it should – and this is really early Juice, so it’s not like he’s mastered his style of emo-reminiscent self-loathing and painful, drug-induced relationship ramblings. It’s not even as catchy as Juice would start to be later on, so it is just a primitive version of whatever Juice’s sound would end up being. Sadly, we won’t get more development from the guy other than these cheap releases, and if benny blanco guided Juice more into a lane he’s comfortable with and more importantly, Juice was still alive, this could be an example of something great yet to flourish but since his incomplete discography of disposable output is all we have to evaluate, it makes Juice’s work much more difficult to appreciate, especially posthumously, where every throwaway bar about substance abuse has this haunting, unnerving impact it didn’t have before. Oh, and I really like the first verse, which is just aimless flexing but with more charm than he usually has, and with some promises of extra detail he could have gone into, before of course, it switches onto a different topic, an issue plaguing much of the man’s work. In conclusion, the song is fine but I don’t think I can listen to Juice’s work, complete or incomplete, released when he was alive or scrambled posthumously, without feeling sad or just having this contempt for the yes-men who surrounded him. Rest in peace, Juice.

#67 – “Oh Santa!” – Mariah Carey

Remixed by Ariana Grande and Jennifer Hudson

Produced by Scott M. Riesett, Marc Shaiman and Daniel Moore II

“Oh Santa!” is an original Christmas tune Mariah Carey wrote and released with Jermaine Dupri in 2010, for her second Christmas album, aptly titled Merry Christmas II You. The song wasn’t a success, and it couldn’t live up to “All I Want for Christmas is You”, which is fine. We don’t need more Mariah Carey songs in the Christmas canon if we already have an absolutely perfect one at the top of the charts, but if she wants to start flooding the market, I guess it’s best to do it with two experts at vocals, because for her little Apple TV Christmas special, she’s bought along Jennifer Hudson and Ariana Grande for whatever the triple version of a duet is. I assumed this would have been a returning entry because it’s a remix but the original never charted in the UK so I’ll have to talk about both here, and, well, there’s a reason “All I Want for Christmas is You” has never been replicated in terms of success and just sheer quality. I talked about this on my best list but there’s never been a song I feel is so ubiquitous of modern Christmas in the current millennium than “All I Want for Christmas is You”, an outright rejection of festive commercialism in preference of just having her significant other around for the holidays. “Oh Santa!” has a similar presence, but in this one, Mariah Carey’s asking for Santa Claus himself to wrap her crush in wrapping paper and gift it to her for Christmas, with a lot less of the warm intimacy of the classic song and without any of the charm. The 2010 version has this really gross drum machine and a lot of cheerleader-type chanting and clapping that starts off as really ugly – and the chanting still is – but honestly makes a pretty good backing for Mariah sliding over the beat with vocals that may not be as impressive as her best but are just as smooth as they should be over a more coy, low-key festive instrumental. My main issue with it is pace because whilst it is a short song, and she does treat us to some whistle notes and runs by the end, it just fades out and the instrumental doesn’t feel like it goes anywhere, making this song sound slow as all hell. If anything, this remix sounds dated, especially with the more modern vocal production with Ariana Grande and Jennifer Hudson, both in a constant struggle with Mariah for getting a word in, to the point where Hudson over-sells her belting and Grande is the only voice recognisable enough here that actually works. Half way in, the song completely devolves into a bridge of aimless runs and “harmonising” from everyone with that ugly chanting, seemingly unchanged from the original. Yeah, this isn’t pretty, and if anything is a remix of an older song that needed a lot more updates to make it work in a 2020 context and fits all of these incredible vocalists in. This could have been great with an original song that was completed to flatter everyone, but there’s too many cooks in the Christmas kitchen here and the cookies being made are being overcooked. Sure, let’s go with that analogy. Next.

#59 – “Daily Duppy – Part 1” – Digga D

Produced by AceBeatz

It’s not uncommon for freestyles to chart in the UK, particularly important British hip-hop tastemaker GRM Daily and their “Daily Duppy” freestyles, which have been the break-out moment for many rappers like Aitch or DIgDat because they reach a level of viral fame and attention that music videos can’t do as well, mostly because of the platform just letting them spit bars over usually decent beats. Digga D was actually opposed to doing one and even sparked some kind of feud with GRM Daily but that dried up soon enough for him to provide them with two “Daily Duppy” freestyles on two different beats but with one cold verse each. Only the first part charted here, as you’d expect, but I’ll cover both. The first part, produced by Ace Beats, has a pretty nice pitch-shifted vocal sample quickly abandoned for the same sample pitched differently, and then it comes back, under a pretty messy drill beat, and whilst Digga D’s riding it really well, I find it hard to be convinced by his delivery here, which is either checked-out or edited so heavily it’s bizarre. I mean, I thought this was a freestyle, right? He can just spit bars over the beat and it’ll be fine, but they add all these stuttering effects, ad-libs and censors that censor pointless words like “juice” but keep actual vulgarities completely intact, as well as censoring some locations but not others. It takes me out of the whole verse, honestly, even if some of it is some pretty slick and nice wordplay, with some funny punchlines and the typical pop culture references you can expect from the more lighthearted of UK drill. I know that people like to make references to their guns in ways that make them even more threatening and eerie, but just like 21 Savage calling his Draco a paedophile, I don’t think Digga D saying that he grooms young ethnic minority boys to sell drugs is “hard” or even enjoyable. I just think it’s pretty awful. I said I’d talk about the second part here, but honestly, it’s a lot less interesting, with a more trap-adjacent beat and boring synths instead of the cool vocal sample. Admittedly, it sounds more like a “freestyle”, but he wastes the moment where the beat cuts out by just rapping filler, and the quarantine references are going to date this, so, yeah, whilst I’m impressed by Digga D’s flow switches here, I’m not a fan of really anything else.

Conclusion

There’s not enough here to give an Honourable or Dishonourable Mention, so I’ll just have to give out the big ones... but everything here is mediocre, so I’m left with not a lot of content at all. I guess Best of the Week can go to the late Juice WRLD and benny blanco for “Real Stuff”, almost purely out of respect, even if the song is just listenable. Worst of the Week was really a toss-up, but I think I’ll give it to “Oh Santa!” by Mariah Carey featuring Ariana Grande and Jennifer Hudson for being such a waste of talent and potential. Only time will tell what comes next week, but I predict a busy one with Christmas music, Taylor Swift and hopefully Kid Cudi, but we’ll see really. I’m going to hazard a guess that we’ll get at least two songs from Taylor and only the Skepta track from Cudi, but I think we could easily have three from each. Here’s this week’s top 10:

You can follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for Imanbek fan-girling and thank you for reading, I’ll see you next week!