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imogenkol · 3 months ago

Text

— SHE’D DO ANYTHING FOR ME

pairing: Imogen Kol (oc) x Bix Caleen rating: Mature words: 3.3k warnings: possessive behavior, codependency, fight and make up summary: tfw when your ex finds your taste in women extremely questionable

notes: this is another older-ish one that I feel compelled to post on its own.

Everything felt so... calm and peaceful. In the same way the sky looks before a storm. Imogen should be fleeing for her life or at the very least preparing herself for the inevitable destruction. But she didn't — she couldn't.

All she managed was to lie in bed beside the woman she fought so hard not to love. The warmth of her body half draped over Imogen's after a night of passion. It was such a simple thing, to have her beloved's head rest against her chest and feel their breaths as one, yet she could not recall ever feeling so content.

Destruction might just be worth it.

Bix trailed her fingertips along her bare collarbone which caused Imogen to smile. Her own caress lightly traveled up and down the mechanic's spine in aimless patterns. It even felt extraordinary to touch her just for the sake of it.

"I'm starting to believe you actually like waking up next to me," Bix said in a lighthearted tone.

"I have always desired this," Imogen admitted softly, tilting her head enough to nuzzle against hers.

"Meaning you've always been afraid of this."

Imogen tensed. The hard-wired urge to pull away and fiercely deny such an accusation threatened to overcome her, but there was no sense in refuting the truth any longer. Not from Bix. Gradually, the bounty hunter willed her muscles to ease. She wondered how long it would take to train these instincts out of her. "If we... truly commit to one another –"

Bix's fingers suddenly twitched into a fist against Imogen's skin. "If?"

"No," Imogen quickly corrected herself. "No more ifs. What I mean to say is... Well, I have a lot to learn."

"So do I. So does everyone," Bix stated matter-of-factly. She leaned up on her elbow and met the other woman's apprehensive expression. "You're here. You're trying. That's all that really matters to me."

A strand of dark hair dangled over the mechanic's cheek. Imogen reached out and delicately tucked it behind her ear. She took in the unobscured beauty of her beloved for a few prolonged beats, her thumb tracing some of those features that left her in awe.

"I am quite certain there is one thing in this galaxy that I would not be able to bear," Imogen muttered under her breath – almost to herself.

Bix moistened her lips as she inched closer. "And what's that?"

A rhythmic knock on the door interrupted their conversation. Along with a gruff voice that called out "Bix? It's me."

Imogen hoped her glare would burn right through the durasteel to strike Cassian down.

"Hang on!" Bix called back. With an exasperated sigh, she slumped down and hid her face in the crook of Imogen's neck for a beat before she forced herself up. At the sight of the bounty hunter's less than pleased expression, Bix said "Don't start anything. I’m not in the mood to deal with either of your shit today."

"He still draws breath, does he not? That is the extent of my manners," Imogen replied curtly as Bix hastily dressed herself. She, too, summoned a great effort to follow her out of bed and do the same. "Unless he wishes to apologize for aiming a blaster at my heart."

"You held your lightsaber at his throat."

"He drew on me first."

Bix rolled her eyes, though Imogen caught the upturn at the corner of her mouth before she turned towards the door. "Come in."

The both of them hadn't quite finished dressing. Cassian entered as Bix fastened the waistband of her pants at the same moment Imogen pulled a shirt over her head. He halted mid-step, his gaze shifting between the two women as if a complicated equation did not add up. Though, the scene before him must have been fairly obvious.

"What is it, Cass?" Bix impatiently urged.

"I just... wanted to talk to you." Cassian's answer came out distracted. His eyes lingered on the bounty hunter.

Imogen looked to Bix expectantly and received a nod. A part of her had hoped that she would have been allowed to remain in the room, but she understood why Bix dismissed her. Without another word, Imogen collected her coat in one hand and intended to make her exit when an impulse emerged. She would not have Cassian misinterpret anything here, not if she had any say in it.

In a few strides, Imogen went to Bix and pulled her in by the back of her neck. While their lips met with intention, it was no less soft or passionate than the kisses they shared in private. Imogen indulged in a few strokes and had to fight not to get lost in the sensations, nearly forgetting the witness she intended to show for.

Once Imogen pulled away, she gave Bix a parting caress and said "I will come find you later."

The mechanic had a knowing glint in her eye, but she nodded again. "Alright."

Cassian had not moved and the nature of his continued gaze turned from dumbfounded to outright suspicion. Imogen glared right back at him as she made her way towards the door. He stood far enough into the room that she could have easily maneuvered around him, but she instead shoved her shoulder into his as she walked past. Just to make sure her point came across clearly.

Cassian let it happen and she exited the room with an air of confidence.

Despite having been dismissed, Imogen’s curiosity compelled her to linger just outside the door. Cassian could be there to simply check up on his friend, or he could be there to stir up tension. Either way, Imogen didn’t trust his judgment or his motives and prepared to intervene if she must.

She leaned against the wall next to the door and shut her eyes to focus her hearing as best as she could past the thick durasteel wall. Through the Force, she could pinpoint each of their positions and the vibration of their voices became clear in her ears.

“I didn’t realize you two were back to your original arrangement,” Cassian said.

“We’re not,” Bix replied curtly.

“No? Then what was all that about?”

“We’re trying something different.”

Cassian scoffed. “Different. With her?”

“Yeah. With her,” Bix asserted and Imogen sensed that she placed her hands on her hips as irritation began to swell in the mechanic’s chest.

“Alright then.”

“Look, did you just come in here to rag on my personal life choices or was there actually a point to this conversation?”

“I’m not ragging,” he insisted, shrugging his shoulders defensively. “I just – I don’t get it.”

“Well, you sound pretty judgmental. Which is rich coming from you, Cass.”

“At least I haven’t slept with an Imperial Inquisitor.”

“She’d do anything for me.”

Cassian did not try to hide his disdain. “Where have I heard that before?”

“Imogen is not Timm,” Bix snapped.

Under normal circumstances, Imogen would never allow anyone to come to her defense. All that mattered was that she had enough power to stand up for herself. And yet… she realized that no one ever has spoken up for her in any capacity. The utter conviction in Bix’s statement filled her with an unexpected swell of pride.

“No,” Cassian agreed patronizingly. “Timm never waved a red laser sword in anyone’s face.”

The jab only seemed to antagonize the mechanic more. “What is your problem?”

The two of them struggled to keep their tones leveled, but as tensions grew, so did their volume. Even in an enclosed space, their disagreement would certainly be heard by anyone that walked by. Imogen didn’t even have to hold her focus through the Force to hear them clearly any longer. Cassian must not have cared because he knew many others held the same prejudices against Imogen that he did. Bix clearly had no issue voicing her opposite opinion.

Imogen loved her for it.

“I don’t know, I just,” he stammered over his argument once again and sighed. “I think there are better options out there –”

“What, like you?”

“Come on, you know that isn’t what I’m trying to say.”

“Then what are you trying to say? Explain it to me.”

Imogen’s patience for eavesdropping wore thin and the discomfort she sensed in Bix only made her own anger rise. The bounty hunter pushed away from the wall and took an assertive step towards the room, fully intending to assure Cassian of her permanence at Bix’s side, but his next words made her hesitate.

“I’m worried for you, being with someone like that,” he said earnestly

There was a pause. Bix did not abandon her stern tone, but Imogen heard it soften ever so slightly as she responded. “She won’t do anything that I don’t ask her to do.”

“Maybe that’s what I’m worried about.”

“Oh, so you’re afraid of me now, too?”

“I’m afraid of how she’ll change you.”

Another tense beat of silence passed between the two of them. Imogen absorbed Cassian’s words and they left a bitter taste on her mouth. He sounded like Cal, making it seem as if darkness only corrupted. Darkness could bring strength. Darkness could bring power. Imogen would not change Bix, Bix would change herself into whatever she needed to be. That is what Cassian truly feared, whether he realized it or not.

“I’ve already changed. And Imogen had nothing to do with it. So do us both a favor and mind your fucking business from now on,” Bix said firmly.

The mechanical door suddenly slid open and Bix came into view as she stormed away from the conversation, coming up short once she spotted Imogen. Her eyes widened slightly and she quickly glanced behind her, but Cassian hadn’t made his retreat from the room yet.

“Are you alright?” Imogen asked. The urge to confront Cassian herself remained, though she doubted any of her intentions towards him would improve his reservations about her.

Bix continued to briskly walk away, reaching out for Imogen’s waist to usher them along — or more likely move her as far away from Cassian as they could get in order to avoid a possible blood feud. “How much of that did you hear?”

“All of it,” Imogen casually admitted.

“Don’t let it get to you, alright?” Bix rubbed her hand up and down Imogen’s back. Whether her intentions were to pacify herself or the dangerous woman next to her, it was difficult to say. Imogen still accepted her touch.

“While he made a fool of himself… some of his concerns are not entirely unfounded,” she said slowly.

Bix shot her a deeply confused look. “Are you saying you care what Cassian thinks?”

“No,” Imogen replied with a scoff. “I simply mean that he harbors the same judgments everyone else holds against me. I have accepted them long ago and so should you, lest that scowl overstays its welcome.”

The mechanic shook her head bitterly, ignoring Imogen’s attempt to lighten her mood. “They just don’t know you.”

“And they never will. Not like you do.”

“Maybe that’s the problem,” Bix pointed out as she came to a stop in a secluded corner of the hallway. “All he sees is the Inquisitor.”

Imogen tried not to roll her eyes. “I have nothing to prove to him or anyone else. Why should I waste my time with such an endeavor? Especially when they are not wrong.”

“They are wrong.”

“No, they aren’t. Not about me. Not about us.” Imogen placed her hands on Bix’s arms. Her caress had a sort of melancholy that lingered in the small smile across her lips. “I do not believe I am the best option for you, but I will be yours for as long as you’ll have me.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Bix asked incredulously and shook off her touch.

Imogen felt a tightness at the back of her throat. She moistened her lips and swallowed with difficulty, her voice hollow. “Have you considered that your feelings for me might be influenced by gratitude? By the simple fact that I got to you first on Ferrix? Would it not be Cassian’s embrace you’d wish to fall into every night had it been him?”

It deeply pained Imogen to voice an insecurity that she had failed to bury. The way Bix had looked at her differently since Ferrix filled Imogen with a warmth that she had never experienced before, but she could not shake the whisper at the back of her mind that gradually became another scream in the cacophony. A part of her did not care if it was true, she would be grateful to have Bix in any capacity. But the much larger part that truly loved her felt she needed to hear those words.

An intense and furious expression twisted Bix’s features as her body stiffened. She fixed Imogen with such a hard look that the bounty hunter nearly took a step back.

“Fuck you,” Bix said with a shocking amount of venom. Imogen realized her grave mistake, then, and it felt like a harsh slap to the face. “And fuck what you’re insinuating.”

“Bix–”

“And I’ll tell you why you’re wrong,” she continued fiercely and took an assertive step towards Imogen, entering her space. It wasn’t until that moment that Imogen noticed she had, in fact, backed away. “What I feel for you was there before all of this. So, despite what you might think of me, I won’t just fall for the first fucking person who comes to my rescue!”

Imogen’s gaze became downcast in shame before she responded softly “Forgive me. I misspoke.”

“You sure did,” Bix snarled bitterly. She turned to walk away and Imogen felt conflicted on whether or not she should follow.

She refrained from pursuit, but she couldn’t help calling out after her. “You know I don’t truly think that.”

Bix hesitated. Some of the tension dispersed from her shoulders as she released a weary sigh and glanced back. “You still don’t believe that I can love you for you. I thought we were past this, Imogen.”

“I do not doubt you.”

“Some part of you does.”

“Maybe… But I swear not to give voice to those thoughts ever again.” She dared a step towards the mechanic.

Bix held up a hand to stop her. “Look, first it was Cassian and now it’s you, just… give me some time, okay?”

Imogen hated Cassian. And she wasn’t particularly fond of herself at the moment, either. She conceded. “Of course.”

As she watched Bix walk away, Imogen felt the invisible tether between them tighten. Disbelief filled the pit of embarrassment in her gut as she tried to make sense of what just happened. She knew better. Imogen knew better and still she plucked out the most absurd thought from the back of her mind and spoke it out loud like a witless scoundrel. If her utter foolishness is what finally made the tether snap, she would never forgive herself.

Hours passed and Imogen kept herself scarce until evening approached and she could sequester herself to the comfort of her own ship. Though, The Huntress felt far colder and emptier than it ever has before.

Imogen ate a quick supper and prepared for bed early. As she settled into the cot, silence sounded more unbearable than a cacophony of tangled voices. The longer she stewed in the memory of her own foolish words, the more Imogen felt like she could hear the shouting of those imaginary voices at the back of her mind. Some sounded like her own voice. Others sounded like her Master. They sounded like Vader. They sounded like Cal.

They sounded like Bix.

After a while — or an eternity — Imogen groaned and sat up in the cot, swinging her legs over the side and contemplating numerous methods to get her brain to shut off. All felt fruitless.

Then she sensed a familiar presence approach, making her spine perk up like an alert animal.

The entrance to The Huntress whooshed open and Bix trudged in, looking as exhausted and dejected as Imogen felt. The bounty hunter couldn’t deny the immediate feeling of serenity at the sight of her lover, but she still gripped the edge of the cot and half expected another round of disciplining.

The mechanic came to a stop before her and crossed her arms, appearing less stern than earlier, but Imogen still noted the twitch of her jaw. They simply breathed in the tense air for a few long beats until she finally spoke.

“You didn’t come to bed.” Bix tried to hide it, but she sounded hurt.

“You asked for time,” Imogen replied pointedly.

The mechanic sighed as she stared down at the floor and shook her head. “I didn’t mean the whole night, I’m sorry.”

“You should not apologize.”

“I want to,” Bix insisted as she stepped closer to the cot. Her fingers twitched in a subtle fidget at her sides. “What you said earlier –”

“Was careless.”

“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “Yeah, it was. But I know you didn’t mean it that way. I’ve been thinking about it and you’re not entirely wrong. Well, you are when it comes to Cassian, but about gratitude...” Bix’s shoulders lifted as she took in a deep breath, her gaze shifting over the interior of the ship that she knew as well as her own home back on Ferrix. “I’ve always wanted to be near you, but after everything you’ve done for me, it feels less like a want and more like a need. I don’t know, but I start to lose my mind a little bit when you’re gone. Even with how upset I was earlier, a part of me still hoped you’d come after me.”

Imogen took a quiet moment to contemplate the confession. She understood Bix’s words because she had seen the evidence. All that she missed was the true extent of her suspicion. But before Imogen allowed her emotions to settle, she offered one single question.

“Does that bother you?”

“No,” Bix answered confidently and closed the distance between them. She reached out and took a strand of Imogen’s hair between her fingers. “Does it bother you?”

It should, her thoughts responded immediately without voicing it. Imogen recognized this attachment had grown to an intensity Bix did not have full control over. She recognized it because it was the same attachment she had within herself. As if Bix were a vital organ her body would not survive without.

Could Imogen’s devotion still be pure in that case? Did it matter? It certainly did not feel like it did when her beloved gazed down at her with a mixture of adoration and concern.

“No,” Imogen said and accepted that for all it could possibly mean.

A small smile of relief brightened the mechanic’s features. “Good,” she said. Bix placed her hands on Imogen’s shoulders and pulled herself down onto the bounty hunter’s lap. “Because I’m done arguing with people about loving you.”

Imogen’s arms automatically wrapped around Bix’s waist to keep her close. She grew weary of the discourse as well, but she did not wish to see Bix angry with those she held dear – no matter how much Imogen detested them. “They argue because they care.”

“I know.” Bix leaned in until their foreheads touched, her hands coming up to rest against Imogen’s cheeks. “But they should see how you make me feel.”

Imogen felt her face flush with a warm grin at that. “You were right earlier.”

“About what?”

Their lips brushed together. Chaste at first. More of an innocent expression of her fondness. Then Imogen tightened her grip around the woman in her embrace as she deepened the kiss. Many emotions were conveyed in the cadence she led. Her kiss was possessive as she lightly nipped at Bix’s lower lip. It was passionate as the tip of her tongue greeted hers. It was desperate as short breaths escaped their lungs and tickled their skin. It was everything.

Imogen finally pulled back, but only the smallest amount to utter her answer. “I would do anything for you.”

tag list (ask to be added or removed!): @socially-awkward-skeleton @neonshrike @inafieldofdaisies @voidika @florbelles @adelaidedrubman @simonxriley @tommyarashikage @buggknife @aceghosts @carlosoliveiraa @risingsh0t @unholymilf @thedeadthree @cassietrn @jackiesarch @d-esmond @loriane-elmuerto @shellibisshe @katsigian @captastra @simplegenius042 @theelderhazelnut @g0dspeeed @strangefable @statichvm @sevikagf @cptcassian @hexmaturgy @auricfog @confidentandgood @e-the-village-cryptid @raresvtm @minaharkers

#oc insp: imogen kol #ship insp: if i had a heart #prompts: if I had a heart #bix caleen #I love writing Imogen having beef with men tbh #I’d say Imogen and Cassian may develop a bit of a frenemy dynamic similar to Cal but she would never view Cass on the same level as Cal #in her mind Cassian is extra lame because he can’t even move things with his mind so why would she bother having fun w him #nah. Cal is the only Tom to her Jerry. unfortunately for him.#she’ll just begrudgingly accept that Cass is important to Bix #and try to be satisfied with her fantasies about killing him since he's off limits #sorry for reposting old writing. feel free to ignore for those that have already read parts of this #I'm mostly trying to organize my writing a little more/preserving the stuff I do like before it gets altered in the final fic

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dataframe · 6 days ago

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I loved your peak lords thought-reading comic. The line "besides, i simply couldn't handle everyone lying to my face; acting as though i'm a woman when i'm obviously not" hit me like a truck. Is that a common feeling for trans people? I'm figuring some shit out and this really rang true.

holds your hand. i can only speak from my experience, but i would say it is a fairly common line of thought for trans people, yes. especially when someone is just starting to figure themself out, or those for whom treatment/gender affirmation is generally unattainable

unfortunately, society at large makes it particularly difficult for nonbinary people to find their place - especially if you live in a place that uses many more gender markers in conversation (he/él/etc. as opposed to sya/ta/etc.), it becomes more difficult to avoid casual misgendering outside of specifically gendered terms (in fil, siya/niya is neutral but kuya/ate/etc. would be gendered and common, even from strangers).

however - throughout my entire experience being 'transgender' (genderless), i would say you should still strive to avoid what makes you explicitly uncomfortable. if only a standard held among friends

(and, just a small note, if in the future your 'friends' are purposefully/repeatedly disregarding something as simple as "please do not use masculine/feminine terms for me" ... they are not your friends! or not friends worth having, at least. the trans stuff is not the point here: this betrays a larger issue irt not having the decency to respect your boundaries. if they can discard this on their own whim, it doesn't matter if you're cis or trans or what, they will treat you poorly if they consider your boundaries to be "irrational" in my experience... you deserve much more than that!)

many people, when interacting with those they do not know, will put up a guise of some sort. i, being autistic, do mask often and have become more keenly aware of doing so recently - as such, i've begun to consider my gender presentation to be part of this 'mask'. at times i will still be uncomfortable, but generally speaking, i don't... take the opinions of strangers to heart. it is only natural that in brief encounters people will make assumptions to navigate social spaces. the only times where it really matters, in my opinion, is when you know you will be taking this mask off. when you are meant to be around people who you are spending a lot of time with (thus, seeking comfort with) and trust. these are people who you are actively keeping in your life, and who would need to know how you want to be perceived.

it will be easier to quell your apprehensions/doubts around other trans people, of course, regarding the idea that "everyone knows i'm just pretending to be this thing i'm not" (because then, aren't you all?) -- but if you have good friends, cis or not, they will hear you out and. as a genderless person, i'm pleased enough when i hear their conclusion of "you're just you" ... the one benefit to gender being a social construct, is the social aspect. it really is much easier for cis people to reform their views if they are around trans people and are willing to listen. in turn, trans people who are still upholding a firm gender/sexual dichotomy are that much more difficult to speak with. it is in part just a matter of exposure and patience to have someone become accustomed to letting down the walls between what constitutes as "woman/man/'something else' (derogatory)" ... because there are so many examples of even cis non-conforming gays who have defined those standards and are still fully women or men. spending time in [lesbian] spaces with such people has been immensely helpful for me, personally, in breaking down my own preconceptions of what women "should" be. it truly isn't as clear-cut as society often insists upon!

and. well. going back to the trans friends thing... i really do sympathize with the uncertainty, having to just. offer your heart on a plate and be like 'please don't secretly take pieces of this and destroy my trust' (misgendering you privately/in their minds) -- but, on the other end of things? once i got used to it, i've never once thought about my friends as anything but what they've said they are. and i imagine, and hope, that your friends will feel the same if you do pursue this any further. even if treatment isn't available to you/not something you feel comfortable pursuing to make your gender identity more "obvious" at a glance, you really do deserve a space where you'll feel accepted and at ease to experiment with how you'd like to be referred to - even before making any explicit adjustments to your identity. there is no pressure to figure everything out right away. hell, even if you're not trans, you're still well within your right to bring something up like "i like being called beautiful/pretty more than handsome" or even outright "can you substitute 'bro' for 'girl'" in slang contexts. there's a gay bear i know to have asked for the latter while still happily referring to himself as his bf's husband.

ahhh i've gotten so long-winded, but... tl;dr, i do hope things work out well for you. and even if the practicality of being transgender in certain ways is difficult to handle, it is a burden you should be able to trust your friends will take, because they care for you and you deserve at least one place to feel at ease.

#i've. ah. just woken up... so if this is a bit difficult to parse; please do feel free to ask for clarification!!!#honestly i. put a lot of my thoughts & feelings toward gender into writing/portraying sqq(sj). especially in terms of practicality #so i am glad to hear that it was felt by someone else. though i wish there was more to be done (and quickly) to make the world easier #for trans people; but esp those who just. cannot reasonably transition. or for whom transitioning isn't the final goal #and it shouldn't be! you should be allowed to still be your gender even without needing to go through that trouble - pursuing it should be #for yourself; not for the convenience of other people to take a glance and just Know #but. sighs. yeah. in the end... i do not think those who truly care would believe you're lying. or that you're a fool for 'pretending'#most people are surprisingly decent! it just takes time. and it is difficult to unknot the preconceptions you have toward yourself as well #but it can be done; even if it's a slow process. even if it's not ideal - i am glad to come back to people who Know Me #and who i no longer have to worry about. performing in front of.#i am lucky though. in that i've been trans a long time; before i knew most of them. so i made it clear once we began to spend time w them #but if they're anyone worth keeping around; they will care for You foremost. and to keep you. changing gender markers shouldn't interfere #wagh. i'm going in circles now. but yes. i hope this helps at all & well wishes 🫶#asks #anonymous

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