#figure it out. it's my day off. I handled a lot of shit yesterday and have been handling a lot of shit in general it's my day ooooof

[wizardnuke]

boss lady just texted and asked if I could please come in for a few hours we r slammed. girl it is not my fault u are slammed rn it is if anyone's. your fault. for not prepping for this yesterday bc we all knew this was gonna happen

[cowgurrrl]

When The Sun Goes Down

Pairing: rockstar!joel miller x actress!reader

Author’s note: cue Diet Mountain Dew by Lana Del Rey

Summary: Your first date with Joel doesn’t go exactly as planned [2.6k]

Warnings: Joel being an asshole, reader being (rightfully) mean to Joel, fake dating, a little (a lot) smoochy smooch

There's a knock on your door at 7:15. You think about giving him shit about being fifteen minutes late, but when you open the door, he has a bouquet of red roses in his hand. You take a deep breath as you glance between him and the flowers. He cleans up nicely. He's wearing a sleek white shirt tucked into a pair of slacks and a gold chain peeking from his collar. "You look nice," he compliments with a smile. You glance around and spot a black van down the block with the unmistakable round lens of a camera up to the window. "Ready to go?" He asks, pulling your attention back to him. You smile and nod.

"Let me put these in water first, and then we can go," you say, turning on your heels to walk back into the kitchen. You hear him grumble and you roll your eyes the second you hear the door close behind him. "Did you buy these of your own volition, or was it contractually obligated?"

"It was my manager's idea." He says, stuffing his hands in his pocket as he watches you move around the kitchen. You pull a vase down from the top shelf of your cabinet, your black dress riding up just a little bit. You turn to the sink and catch his eyes on your legs.

"Well, tell Pauly I said thank you." You say, ignoring the unexpected attention.

"Don't call him Pauly."

"Why not? He's the only one who showed me an ounce of kindness yesterday."

"We really don't have to do this. Especially if you're gonna act like this."

"If you don't like the way I act, I'm sure we can find someone else who would happily take your place," you say, repeating his words from the day before. His jaw works as he grinds his teeth together, but he stays silent. You cut the stems on the roses and place them in the crystal vase before resting your elbows on the counter. "We need to set some ground rules before we actually start this."

"Ground rules?" He asks

"I don't care if you kiss me, hold my hand, or whatever PDA our team wants. I'm trusting you with that much," you say. You expect him to say something snarky, but he doesn't. He fiddles with his keys in his pocket and nods. "And I don't want you to touch me anywhere inappropriate. In public and in private."

"I wasn't going to."

"Good." You grab your purse off the counter and walk to the front door without anything further. He follows behind you and opens the door before you can even touch the handle and plaster on a sticky sweet smile for the cameras. He walks you to his expensive-looking car and opens the passenger side door for you. You smile and squeeze his bicep.

The car ride is silent except for the low hum of his radio. It's set on a classic rock station, and he taps along to the drum line on his steering wheel. You watch the movement with curious eyes, and he catches you staring. He doesn't seem annoyed, but he doesn't smile at you, either. He just stares at you with his deep brown eyes like he's trying to figure you out. You look away first and mess with the chain of your necklace.

"How long have you been playing music?" You ask.

"We don't have to keep pretending when there are no cameras." He says, his tone suddenly harsh, and you roll your eyes.

"Jesus Christ, all I did was ask you a fucking question."

"My whole life. I've been playin' music my whole life," he finally relents. It's just enough information to satisfy you and just vague enough for him to be comfortable. You're surprised he even answered you. "How long have you been acting?"

"I've been in the industry for about four years now, but I was acting way before that." You say, and he hums. He doesn't follow up with a question, and you decide to quit while you're ahead. When you get to the restaurant, he makes a show of dutifully escorting you inside and giving his keys to the valet. The hostess gives you a hidden table in the back. It's out of earshot of anyone else, and there are lit candles in the middle. It's all very romantic, and you gush about it in front of the host so she has something to report back to news outlets when they find out about this. Joel thanks the host and pulls your chair out for you before he can cross the table. If this was an actual date, he would win major points for having such good manners.

You order a cocktail, and he orders some kind of whiskey before you guys scan the menu in silence. You're debating whether to get the Rissoto or the margarita pizza when Joel's foot bumps yours under the table. You look up and see him glancing at something behind you. You don't have to turn around to know that you two have an audience. You smile and reach for his hand across the table, his calloused palms sliding against yours. He doesn't hesitate to squeeze your hand and bring it to his lips, pressing a sweet kiss to your skin. "That tickles!" You giggle in a high pitch. He laughs, too, and rests your hands back on the table as the waitress comes over with your drinks. She takes your orders before disappearing to the back again, leaving you and Joel alone.

You two move closer and closer together until you're sitting on the same side of the table, your head in your hand as you gaze at him. You have to admit, he's very handsome up close. His salt-and-pepper beard is full except for a few patchy parts that you could find endearing. His nose is prominent and bumpy, and his lips are curled in a crooked smirk. Not to mention the fluffy curls that fall over his forehead just so. You understand why people throw themselves at him. He smiles and puts a hand on your knee as he nurses his drink.

"You're staring," he mumbles, and you scoff.

"I'm supposed to be madly in love with you. I think it's okay," you say so only he can hear, and he shrugs. You slip his drink out of his hand and take a sip, the dark brown liquor burning the whole way down. "What would you rather me do?"

"Where are you from?"

"Twenty questions? That's what you do on a first date?" You ask, and he laughs. For a second, you think it sounds real.

"Humor me, would ya?" His face is relaxed, and his hand is warm on your knee, and it might be the alcohol, but you decide to oblige. You tell him about your hometown, and he actually listens before telling you he's from Texas. You go back and forth even after the food comes out, asking about first loves, college, and even your worst talk show experiences.

"No, I don't believe you for a second!" You say, crossing your arms over your chest.

"You don't have to believe me 'cause it still happened."

"You were hungover when you did that summer concert for the Today Show?"

"Deathly. Even had to get an IV when we got off stage," he says, and you can't help but laugh at the image of him getting hooked up to a saline solution because of how sick he was. "What? What's so funny about that?"

"Everything! Don't you know the cardinal sin of morning talk shows is showing up hungover?"

"I know people who've shown up still drunk."

"Really?" You ask, and he hums. You glance around the restaurant and realize it's mostly empty, and the only people left are you and Joel. You uncross your arms and rest one on the back of his chair, turning to look at something behind you so you can whisper in his ear. "When you see the waitress coming back to the table, kiss me." He turns his head to look around before placing a hand on your jaw and turning your face toward his. His lips are on yours a second later. His mustache scratches you, and he tastes like whiskey and something dangerous. He's gentle and firm, but he doesn't push any boundaries. His hand stays on your face, his fingers grazing the skin of your neck, making your breath hitch. You faintly hear footsteps approach, and Joel turns away from you to look at the bright red waitress. You pretend to be embarrassed about getting caught and hide your face in Joel's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry to interrupt. I just wanted to drop off your bill and let you know that we will be closing soon." She apologizes, but Joel shakes his head and tells her not to worry. He hands her his black debit card without even looking at the bill, and she's off. You smile as you pick your head up and look at him.

"Alright, I have another question for you," you say. He raises his eyebrows like he's telling you to go on, and you glance over your shoulder to make sure nobody's lurking. "Why'd you punch that guy?"

"What guy?"

"The guy that's the whole reason I'm here." You say quietly. A muscle in his jaw jumps as he thinks, but he schools his expression when the waitress returns with his card. He's silent as he signs the bill, leaving a 25% tip, and you bump him under the table to get his attention.

"I'm done playing this game." He snaps, his attitude completely changing. You're taken aback by his response and even more confused when he stands and pulls your chair out for you once more. You stand, and he shrugs out of his jacket to wrap it around your shoulders before escorting you to the front of the restaurant, both of you wishing the staff a good night. Cameras flash, and people yell questions at you the second you two step onto the sidewalk, and you grip Joel's arm as he steers you to the car. You can practically hear E! News gushing about how cute you look together when in reality your picture-perfect date just got ruined.

The entire drive back to your house, he doesn't say anything. You try to say something about how good that went, and you're sure the waitress will have a story to sell to whatever news outlet wants it. He doesn't even acknowledge you. By the time he pulls into your driveway, you're more than annoyed with how childish he's being over a perfectly fair question. It's not like you asked for his Social Security number. You asked a legitimate question about something that happened not even thirty-six hours ago. Hell, his knuckles are still swollen from the force of the punch. The second the car rolls to a stop, you unlock the door and get out.

"Have a good night, Joel." You say, ready to slam the door in his face, but he's already unbuckling his seatbelt.

"Will you, at least, let me walk you to the door?"

"I thought you said we didn't have to keep pretending when there aren't any cameras," you say. You're being a little dramatic, and you'll be the first to admit it, but after the way he acted yesterday, you think you're allowed to. You fish your keys from your purse and walk to your front door. Joel calls your name and you roll your eyes. "Is there a reason you don't like me, or are you just an asshole to everyone?" You ask as you turn to look at him, the arms of his jacket swinging around you.

"Is this because I didn't answer your stupid question?"

"Or because of pretty much everything that led to tonight. The way you talked to me in the office, not answering my question, ignoring me the whole way home when I thought we had a pretty decent night. Do you even realize how fucking frustrating you are?"

"Right back atcha, sweetheart," he says, and you huff as you grip your keys. "Look, I don't wanna do this anymore than you do. The faster we get this over with, the faster I can go back to my life, and you can go back to whatever big wig you had to sleep with to get here." You take two big steps to get in his face, your chests touching as rage rolls through you.

"Let's get one thing fucking clear: I've never slept with anyone to get anywhere. I studied, and I worked shitty jobs, and I went to every audition, and I lost years of my fucking life to be where I am now. I don't care if you think I'm some bitch who puts on dresses and plays pretend for a living, but you will not accuse me of fucking my way to the top. Do you understand me?" Your words are precise and cutthroat and hit right where you want them to as you stare at him. You worked your ass off to get here. You deserve to be here, and you will not let a man like Joel Miller tell you otherwise. Something flickers behind his eyes, and he swallows.

"Yes."

"Good, because if you ever say anything like that to me again, I will ruin your fucking life and have fun doing it," you say. Before you can get one last word in, you catch a pair of tires squealing down your block, and something deep in your chest tells you it's photographers trying to catch a goodnight kiss. Joel seems to have the same thought because he quickly crowds you against your front door, and you let him, despite the burning anger in your chest. You bite the inside of your cheek until you can taste blood. "You better make this worth it, Miller."

His last name gets cut off as he kisses you. This kiss is starkly different from the one at the restaurant. This one is bruising and clashing teeth as his hands splay across your ribs. You're almost sure he can feel your heartbeat through the fabric of your dress. You pull him closer when you hear breaks squeak to a stop and know that the paparazzi are right behind you. His hand slides down your side, past your hip, and encourages your leg up to his hip. He bites at your lip a little too harshly, and you pull at the hair at the nape of his neck, a deep groan rumbling in his chest at the feeling. He dips his head to mouth at your jaw, low enough to look like he's kissing your neck from far away but high enough for you to allow it. His teeth scrape at your pulse, and your body involuntarily arches into him. You think you hear him chuckle as the photographer's car speeds away.

You can imagine how the photos will be captioned in the morning, how they'll all praise what a good couple you already are, and some will even make jokes about how they wish they could be either of us. But this doesn't feel romantic or dreamy like they imagine it does. This feels like war.

[1moreff-creator]

DRDT - Milgram AU: T1 "Voice Reveal" Lines

Hey there! Back at it with this AU. I figured if I'm going to commit to the bit, I might as well commit fully. At the start of every Trial, Milgram gives a sneak peak at some of the lines which will appear in the VDs, combined with "glitchy" lines which relate to their murder. So I'm doing that too! Keep in mind this is not professional in the slightest, so exact wording might change between now and when I actually post the VDs. Especially since it's been a while since I rewatched DRDT so the wording could feel a bit off. Anyways, here we go!

Implied DRDT spoilers and heavy themes. Again not affiliated with either of the series

Btw I'm using crossed out text for aesthetics but there will be a transcript at the bottom if you have trouble reading that.

01- "Levi Fontana, a pleasure"

"Yes, I am a murderer"

"I can't bring myself to pretend to be sorry for what I did"

"I suppose I should watch the other prisoners to learn how normal murderers should handle themselves"

...

I know you didn't want this, but it had to be done

02- "Arturo Giles"

"Ugh. Do I really have to be judged by someone this ugly?"

"I'll have you know, I've never murdered anyone"

[Whispering] "I mean, there is... no, no, that wasn't my fault"

...

How was I meant to know?! Even if she's dead because of what I did, it's not my fault!

03- "My name is David Chiem"

"It seems there's been a mistake. But don't worry! I won't hold it against you"

"Mistakes can be corrected. It's not difficult to change, as long as you're willing to!"

"I try to be as positive as I can, since I know there's a lot of people that don't get the privilege"

...

AGH! CAN YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT, YOU PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE?!

04- "Yo! Whit Young, nice to meet you!

"Are you really sure everyone here is a murderer?"

"That's wack"

"I don't remember doing anything suspicious! Yesterday was normal, the day before that was normal, the day before that... the day before that..."

...

My mom's really amazing! I love her a lot. I would do anything for her

05- "Tch. Ace Markey"

"You wanna fight?! Wait, fuck, you probably have weapons, don't you?! Shit, don't get any closer!"

"You think I'm a murderer?! Horseshit!"

"Get off your fucking high horse!"

...

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit shit shit, FUCK!

06- "Uhm... Nico... Hakobyan"

"I'm- I'm really sorry!"

"You're pretty weird"

"Ah! I'm sorry! Don't get mad at me!"

...

Why should I own up for the mistakes that someone else made?!

07- "J Moreno"

"What do you people really want? Ransom money? There's no way you're doing this just because you want to 'judge our sins' or whatever bullshit you're saying"

"Don't make me laugh. Find evidence I killed anyone, and then we can talk about murder"

"Do you really think you're going to understand everything I've been through, just with a silly little song? How arrogant are you?!"

...

What happened to her was nothing short of a tragedy. Sorry, but I will make no further comment

08- "Mmmm... Rose Lacroix"

"zzzzz"

"Ah, yeah. I killed someone"

"This really isn't that bad. At least I can paint here"

...

I wonder if I can be happy now

09- "H-Hu Jing"

"I know what I did was unforgivable..."

"I really am selfish... I'm scared of receiving the punishment I deserve"

"Please Forgive me!"

...

Wake up! Please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

10- "My name is Veronika Grebenshchikova!"

"If you don't mind, can you choose not to Forgive me?"

"Death sounds boring. I'd rather stay alive if you don't mind!"

"To Forgive what I did... it would be denying everything I believe about my life..."

...

[Cackling laughter, which trails off with a wheeze] I really am a monster...

11- "Arei Naegishi!"

"Pfft! God, you're pathetic!"

"Why the hell are we even here? How could anyone be stupid enough to do anything but Forgive me?"

"Are you really that much of an idiot?!"

...

WHO'S THE WEAK ONE NOW, HUH?!

12- "Uhm... Eden Tobisa..."

"Even when things are looking down, we just have to try our best, and trust each other!"

"I... I never wanted anyone to die!"

"Es... why are you doing this?"

...

Wh- What have you done?!

13- "Min Jeung"

"This is ludicrous. How are we meant to expect a fair judgement when your 'justice' is determind by one person's whims and biases?"

"When an institution is non-functional, it is highly illogical to indiscriminately tear it down. Improving the basis already in place is by far the most constructive way to conduct progress"

"There is no country in the world where I would be judged a murderer. To say one single prison has the authority to decide that I am is a flagrant display of vanity"

...

The condition has been met. There is no need for further intervention

14- "Alexander Matthews. Just call me Xander"

"Don't you see how broken this entire system is?! What makes you think you hold a monopoly over morality, huh?! What gives you the right to Forgive or Not Forgive?!"

"When something is rotten, you throw it away. It's the same with this twisted place!"

"...Warden?"

...

Ah... haha... I did it... You all can finally rest

15- "Charles Cuevas"

"I was hoping the Warden would be competent, at least, but clearly I was a fool to think that could ever be the case"

"Are you stupid?!"

"Warden... Es... I have a request"

...

Hgk...- Ack! ... Kch[sharp inhale]

16- "Teruko Tawaki"

"Are you okay?"

"You don't need to know anything about my crimes. I'm unforgivable. That's all you need, right?"

"If you can find a way to do it... Just kill me"

...

... [sigh] Why did I ever get my hopes up?

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And there we go! Hope they weren't too ooc! Keep in mind different backstories could lead to slightly different personalities; this AU is canon-adjacent, not really canon-compliant. Levi's first trial is coming soon! Hope you enjoyed!

Huh? Secret message? Whatever are you talking about?

Here's the transcript of the glitchy lines:

01 - Levi: I know you didn't want this, but it had to be done

02 - Arturo: How was I meant to know?! Even if she's dead because of what I did, it's not my fault!

03 - David: AGH! CAN YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT, YOU PIECE OF HUMAN GARBAGE?!

04 - Whit: My mom's really amazing! I love her a lot. I would do anything for her

05 - Ace: Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit, shit shit shit, FUCK!

06 - Nico: Why should I own up for the mistakes that someone else made?!

(Yes it's just the secret quote on their page sue me it's a cool line)

07 - J: What happened to her was nothing short of a tragedy. Sorry, but I will make no further comment

08 - Rose: I wonder if I can be happy now

09 - Hu: Wake up! Please! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

10 - Veronika: [Cackling laughter, which trails off with a wheeze] I really am a monster...

11 - Arei: WHO'S THE WEAK ONE NOW, HUH?!

12 - Eden: Wh- What have you done?!

13 - Min: The condition has been met. There is no need for further intervention

14 - Xander: Ah... haha... I did it... You all can finally rest...

15 - Charles: Hgk... Ack! ... Kch[sharp inhale]

16 - Teruko: ... [sigh] Why did I ever get my hopes up?

[nanamikentorp]

Hi Kento,

Been a while. This is “✨” by the way.

Things have been pretty chaotic lately. I finished my semester in the beginning of October and it went so amazing, right after which was my birthday.

On my birthday, I went out with my boyfriend (now ex). He was always a sweet guy and spoiled me with gifts constantly, but on my birthday, he said that he didn’t like what I was wearing and that it looked like I was wearing old rags. The dress was a gorgeous long one and it highlighted my figure so beautifully and every single person who saw me in the dress said I looked stunning, except my boyfriend.

It really hurt me and it made me rethink and reevaluate every decision I ever made about him and I. I did not like it and I started to think that maybe he didn’t really respect me enough as a person, because why would you say that to someone, especially on their birthday?

Anyway, I wanted to talk about it with him, properly after thinking about everything, but just 3 days after my birthday, my grandfather passed away.

I was very close to my grandparents, growing up. And I was devastated, I’m still trying to make sense of everything. When I told my boyfriend that, he just sent a sad emoji, and nothing else. He didn’t check up on me, didn’t try to see if I was doing okay until I snapped.

Yesterday I decided that I was letting a guy who was giving me the bare minimum, be in my life and I broke it off with him.

I know I’m a gorgeous woman and I have a lot of admirers. I know I’m a smart and strong, independent woman and I can handle myself quite well. I know I deserve a better person and I deserve to be with someone who understands who they are dating, someone who truly admires and appreciates me, not just someone who is attracted to me.

I feel good about my decision, but I also feel a little guilty, because my ex just wanted to connect with me probably, but I also don’t want to feel guilty. He wanted a friend but he didn’t even know how to treat me right or give me enough respect.

All of my friends, my parents, everyone supports my decision. Everyone is saying I did the right thing and I know that I did, but still there’s a part of me that feels, maybe I was too hasty?

Did I do something wrong?

~ ✨

I'm gonna need this jerks name and address love.

And no. You absolutely did the right thing. What a disgusting cretin. What a lack of humanity. Absolute dog shit.

You do deserve better than some piece of shit who thinks treating you like crap is the way to go.

[quackity1999]

How do you manage your time?

ok charlie's apologised. i'm back.

AJYWAY LETS FUCKING GO IM A TIME BOSS

there's the quick operations rundown. (shit starts at like 6:00 am. we stay BUSY 🖕‼️😎). i gotta assess updates on revenue trends, slip-ups with high-rollers, VIPs, and equipment. trust me. the fucking slot machine system has issues far too often for my liking. uhhhhh mister bigshot financial officerdickheadshitforbrains gives a briefing, regarding casino revenue vs hotel rates, maximizing the FUCK OUTTA profits and keeping the big spenders from trying to sue us. blah bkah blah theres like 700 meetings a day dude i .'m so tired.

Lol I love Gamblign! um.

ok on wednesdays aroundd 10:30pm i walk the Floor™️ with foolish sometimes, just to ensure there's no maintenance or security issues. i keep an eye on the pit bosses and slot supervisors, god they Fucking love texas hold 'em so i like to toss in my chips if i have a moment. AND since there's such a high turnover in the casino industry, sam and i figure out retention strategies, benefits, upcoming training programs for staff. um. he handles a lot of the payroll costs and promotional expenses. don't GET me started on seasonal promotions holy motherfucking prime. the holiday packages are critically lame dont go for them

running las nevadas is just a bunch of revenue reports, operation logs, staff notes and replacing fucking slime-covered slots or blackjack tables. like yesterday lunchtime i had to sign off on a Fuckton of documents and whatnot to prevent theft + fraud. AJD THEN THERES THE LCO. cuz all of our operations have to meet state board requirements as well as financial auditing standards, so i gotta ensure the licensing is up to date and. oh my GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I DO NOT WANT TO START PREMATURE BALDING FROM THE STRESS OF THIS COCKSUCKING JOB

and yes i have an evening cocktail with chosen partnerships of the casino ‼️ Sometim.es i give the nicest ones a kissy on da cheek. that is how i do business. take it or leave it

By.e !..... XoXo Quackit.

[kariachi]

Some morning fic. What was supposed to just be touching on Kev being not-fully-human from the Tennysons' pov got a little bit heavy and Gwvin-critical there at the end...

~~

“Do you ever get reminded that Kevin’s not human?” Pausing in his chewing, Ben blinked slowly narrowed eyes focused on this cousin across the table.

“I mean, the only people that beat him in teeth around here are Manny and Darkstar, so… yeah, kinda regularly.” Gwendolyn narrowed her eyes at him, setting her soda aside.

“I mean really reminds you.”

“That doesn’t,” Ben asked, mouth hanging just slightly open. “I’ve seen him open cans. I’ve seen him open people.”

“Well sorry I don’t spend my time staring at his mouth,” she grumbled with a frown, glowering. Huffing a sigh, she took another sip of her drink and shook her head. “He dug a hole under my house yesterday.” Another pause, another blink.

“Bet your mom was happy with that.”

“I swear he’s given up doing anything but the bare minimum to get along with her…” Gwendolyn shook her head again. “He literally came out yesterday morning and spent the whole day, with nothing but his powers, digging around under the house.” Taking a bite of his burger, Ben chewed thoughtfully.

“Did he say why, or did he just show up and get going.”

“He showed up and got going. When I asked he said he was ‘adding a den’.”

“Huh.” For a moment Ben continued chewing, then swallowed before asking “Is it at least a nice den?” Gwendolyn’s nose crinkled, lips twisting down.

“How should I know?! I’m not about to crawl down a dirt tunnel to hell just to see what the ass end looks like. Bad enough that eventually somebody’s going to have to figure out what to do with all the dirt he’s removed. Dad says Kev promised to handle it, but…”  Ben’s head tilted, just slightly, to one side.

“But?” Gwendolyn paused for a moment, shrugged.

“…it’s a lot of dirt.”

“It’s Kevin,” Ben pointed out with a snort, “he probably already has a buyer lined up for it and everything.”

“Probably…” Shaking her head, she leaned back in her seat and took another sip of soda. “It’s just, fucking weird. Like, where else does he have these things? Why does he want one? Why there?” Snorting again, Ben shook his head.

“Are you really asking why at the place you live whenever you guys are in town?”

“You know what I mean,” Gwendolyn said with a small huff. “Just, you can almost forget Kevin’s only half human, and then he does stuff like this.”

“No, cuz,” Ben said, flashing a grin, “you can almost forget he’s only half human. The rest of us are keeping an eye on those damn teeth.” Snorting despite herself, Gwendolyn rolled her eyes.

“Kevin is not going to eat anybody,” she said, only for Ben to wave a knowing finger in her face.

“You can sit in denial all you want, but Kev’s an ambush predator and I care about him enough to at least pretend to respect that.”

“You-” She shoved his hand away, glowering again. “-need to have more faith in him.” Ben just shook his head, grin shrinking to something smaller and more serious.

“I know you’ve got all these big hopes and dreams about fixing him up,” he said, “but eventually you have to accept that some of his warts are features, not bugs. He’s not gonna turn into your perfect human boyfriend at any point.”

“You know I’m not looking for perfect,” Gwendolyn said, glowering harder. “He does weird shit sometimes, I can live with that. I just want him behaving better.” Ben reached out and patted her arm.

“Lie to somebody else, Gwendolyn, I’ve known you too long.” The glowering turned to a glare. “I’ve sat there while Grandpa explained that something he’d done was normal Ossy behavior, watching you huff and puff and then go off and still give Kev shit about it. Like I said, you can let yourself deny it all you want, but you’re not taking the Osmosian out of Kevin, no matter what you like or don’t like about it. Fuck, you’re not taking the Kevin out of Kevin.” Gwendolyn glared harder.

“I don’t want to.” Ben ducked his chin, raising a brow at her.

“You keep trying.” He raised his finger again before she could counter the statement. “It’s been three years, he’s turned his whole life around, anything still going on that his shrink isn’t worried about? Isn’t going anywhere. Doesn’t matter if it’s his species or his personality, at this point you have to accept that you’ve got what you’re getting.”

“Don’t act like you’re some expert, Ben. I know him a lot better than you do.” Shrugging, Ben flashed a wider, though not quite so honest, grin.

“If you say so, but I’m not the one getting blindsided by him being weird.”

[sagehaubitze]

I write a lot to deal with my emotions and to process (right now I am processing a lot of anger, still). I don't share a lot of it, but I did write something to post on fetlife yesterday having to do with my friend, Remy's, death. The circles of people I have over there have no real context or frame of reference for any of it though. Since I'm still vaguely furry-adjacent, I figured maybe people (all like.. five of you) would get more mileage out of it here, so I'm crossposting it.

This is a small tidbit of furry history. Before you fly off the handle and send me anon hate, please take a minute to read all of this through. Plus think about what type of person would absolutely fucking loathe both queer people involved in WWII reenacting, and queer people dressing in uniform to do weird kink shit. (it's supposed to be fascists that idealize the era, they would have an aneurysm, but this is a trick question because apparently everybody loathes it)

Anyway. Pushing the Feldpost Envelope (furries and nazis and death in here.)

"History lesson.

I'm at the third year of my home furcon in 2005, attending opening ceremonies, wearing my officer's cap. All day, I've been nervously eyeing someone also in an officer's cap, albeit a different branch, worried that they're either going to be confrontational, or that they're a bad actor and a bigot. We'd unknowingly run in the same circles for a couple years now, but had yet to cross paths in any significant way until today.

"I like your hat" he smiled and piped up after the ceremonies were over. I, a very anxious sixteen year old girl at the time, had a flood of relief wash over me now that the ice had been broken and he didn't seem like a total asshole (joke's on me, Remy was still an asshole, just usually the good kind). "I like yours too..!" I chimed back. And the rest was history. "Living history", actually.

A couple months prior, Remy had created the Nazi Furs community, which I wound up co-running and co-moderating. The goal was to create a space for people with a genuine interest in history and reenacting (which despite the name wasn't limited to the German side of things) and/or for those who get their rocks off in uniform, a little more tucked away from early 2000s internet shock value, and most importantly protected from actual racists, bigots, and all around pieces of shit (which took a hell of a lot of work). Furries tend to cover the whole gamut of kink, and while Remy and I both leaned further towards the leather subculture, we tried to make space for all of the spectrum as long as it was related to that specific time period in some way.

We were not a popular or well liked group. But we were a necessary group. This is the south, if you weren't a cishet good ol boy, it was frankly just not safe to venture into any reenacting groups around here at the time. So, we made our own space for it, to be gay and weird and ourselves while we ran around in the woods. Even in kink, we tried to push the envelope for what was "acceptable" in the eyes of larger communities and carve out a little trench for ourselves, because often in the most accepting places, people would still take issue (and still do). We did our best to push back against people feeling closeted or ashamed for what they were interested in, kink or not. Don't be a shitty person is all we asked. We were young and we stumbled a lot, but we tried our best.

Ultimately, with the shifting perspectives in the fandom, in kink, and in general with online spaces being cleansed to be more palatable and marketable, we lost the fight. Part of it came from the evolving political environment in the US, it did become impossibly hard to weed out bad actors, and not be seen/assumed as a bad actor yourself. But part of it is from lingering social norms on what is "okay" and "acceptable" (even in alternative subcultures), instead of remembering that some interests can be solely academic and not a reflection of your own personal world views. Bleeding over to kink, it's exactly the same, and some people have forgotten that kink should be weird and ugly and not acceptable, it should challenge your emotions and perspective sometimes. It is the opposite of social norms, it's not meant to be sanitized and diluted down for the masses to consume. It's meant for you, and your self expression, self exploration, and your kameraden who share that with you.

Remy died on January 26th. He was one of my very best friends, and there are not many people left on this planet who know me like he did. I rushed to clean his house of things his mother did not want, or need, to see, because I was the only one left to do so. He is survived by communities that did not want him and refuse to see the work he put in for people to have a place they felt accepted.

I have no place in community anymore. But if anyone reading this feels ostracized for their interests or kinks, I feel the same so deeply inside me that it hurts my soul. You shouldn't have to feel that way. I do not have it in me anymore to try and create a space like Remy and I worked on in the past, but do know that you're not alone. I'll be here. I'm still here somehow."

-----

I would also like to add this summarized post that Remy made to the original group, the last post in the group, in 2017.

"In the wake of recent social unrest, we would like to take a moment to make a statement regarding this community.

Nazi_Furs was created by a bunch of nerds. Yes, you read correctly. A bunch of big old nerdy nerds started nazi_furs to post stories, art, historical articles, images from WWII museums, reenacting and living history events, and sometimes little animated gifs of dancing hitlers that we thought were funny.

Most of our members were card carrying homosexuals. Almost all of our moderators were gay, trans, or some other color of "unacceptable" to ACTUAL NEO-NAZIS.

Many of us have well researched and thought out fursonas that inhabit a world set during WWII era Germany. The setting used in many movies like Bed-knobs and Broomsticks, Indiana Jones, Iron Sky, and Dead Snow lends itself well to fantasy. Setting talking animal people into this backdrop did not seem like such a huge clusterfuck at the time.

Nazis are a cliche', relegated to "the bad guys" in popular culture. The sharp uniforms, advanced military weapons and tactics, crackpot schemes, and paranormal ties are used all the time in modern media. They are a caricature of what they were 70+ years ago, much like ninjas (paid assassins) and pirates (murderers and thieves) are today. Once you have been relegated to a children's Halloween costume you no longer have the influence to command respect or fear.

Let us allow nazis to be just that, a cliche condemned to be the "bumbling bad guys". Let us laugh at them and rob them of any authority they feel they may have. There haven't been any "REAL" nazis since the downfall of the NSDAP in 1945, and any members of that movement would be pushing 90 by now.

The "alt-right" are not nazi_furs. They are hateful individuals putting on costumes pretending to be like people they do not understand who have been dead for years. These people WANT you to associate them with nazis, and calling them that only feeds their egos. Lets try not to do that.

If you take anything away from our group, let it be a reminder of our origins as nerdy nerds pouring over history books, saturating ourselves in history to better understand what happened in the 1930s and 40s. Take a look at our current situation we find ourselves in and ask yourselves if we are all doomed to repeat our past mistakes. Then focus your rage and disapproval in a productive manner. Get out there and vote the real racist out of office. Mobilize in peaceful protest, advocate for the oppressed and downtrodden. Make the world a better place than you found it."

I stepped away from the fandom when my home convention, RCFM, ended after a decade. I had been run into the ground, my wallet taken advantage of entirely too much, and I was burnt out beyond belief. Remy stayed more up to date on fandom things, I know there were issues with other "nazi" groups popping up that were inundated with the alt-right. There was no avoiding getting lumped in with them, so we eventually just enjoyed our interests in silence, away from everyone else.

To be completely honest, the majority of our time was spent in museums and hunting down weirdly specific esoteric research topics, which we'd then attempt to discuss while drunk around a fire (this is the academic way). It wasn't to idolize these people or politics, it was to understand an extremely complicated time period and what was born out of it. There are SO MANY absolutely fascinating aspects to study, not just "woo big scary gun death ubermench". What people saw most though, convention-wise at least, were the room parties where we could let our hair down and be WEIRD. Furcon room parties are fucking weird just as a baseline, throw some uniforms and sadomasochism in, sometimes some LSD, and... I mean yeah. And of course that's all that stuck in anybody's mind. Though, tbh, a lot of the time for the majority of the night, it was just a small circle of friends watching war movies and drinking. We came up with this (not) great idea to take a shot every time there was a depth charge in Das Boot, yeah I can't recommend that lmao.

Even from the reenacting standpoint, Remy was putting together a US medic impression (not even German! *clutches pearls*) over the past few years, because he was an EMT by trade. I've always reenacted a very inept Wehrmacht artillery officer who is a touch cowardly, not great at their job, and is usually relegated to office/paperwork. It's far from the edgy internet shock value people associated us with.

Nowadays I am usually running around in the woods alone, or getting the shit kicked out of me in uniform (consensually). I'm just less visible about it. I wish I didn't have to be. It feels very lonely, extremely so now that I've lost Remy. I think there was a good opportunity somewhere in there to push back against the alt-right by being very VERY gay and trans and queer and weird in uniform, destroy the image they were trying to create for themselves, but the current culture of the internet wouldn't have allowed that. I'm still going to keep doing that, just.. y'know, in my own space, on my own time.

I hope other people are out there being weird too. I'll be weird with you in spirit.

[chronicallyonlinecath]

Wednesday 28th June 2023 - love is a risk, but what's the alternative? /lyr It's been a good few days, and now I am basically being held at gunpoint by Matty and Harley to write this. I'm currently sat in the local abbey, blasting Lyn Lapid in my ears (again) Harry is sat behind me scrolling through football instagram on his phone and Reagan is sat three seats to the left of me stressing because the guy they like has left them on delivered (again) and listening to the school's wind quintet rehearse. My final school summer concert is tonight and though I'm nervous as hell, I'm also somewhat sad and melancholy about it. I'm in wayy too much shit for my little pea brain to handle, and I'm gonna be overwhelmed as hell with emotions too. But the music grind never stops. Not long after I posted the blog on Saturday, Mattson messaged me about Janek's answer, and on Sunday I got a message from Janek. His answer? A no, quite clearly. To be fair, I already gathered it was a no - that's what no answers to questions about romance usually mean. But I suppose I was still a little hurt by it, just a little. Reagan just smacked me on the head with her tenor horn. My forehead aches now. But she and Harry are off to play in the brass dectet alongside Harvey. I'm not the only one to have been rejected recently either - although I wouldn't say this next example is exactly a rejection. Alison spoke to Harvey about her feelings for him. Was this a mistake on her part? Definitely not. Harvey is an absolute idiot with feelings and romance and knowing where his feelings for people lie. I talk from experience of talking to him late in the evening about the girls he likes and he practically falls apart trying to figure it out. I can't blame him, but it's frustrating and hurts people's feelings. Such as Alison's. But to be honest, I don't think she's that bothered anymore - she seems to have a lot more hellish stuff on her mind. And to be honest, so do I. The flute choir have just started playing ABBA - my life is complete. The amount of music shit I have on over the next few days is insane - that and college taster days. Yesterday was the more modern one of the two, and the one I'm least likely to go to. I got the bus with Peter and Reagan though, and it was kinda chill through the whole day. I nerded out completely in Psychology though - we were doing phobias and phobias are something I obsessed over in the lockdown period, so I already knew tons about it and scared the teacher a bit I think. But it's okay, I want to be a psychologist when I'm older, stuff like phobias fascinate the hell out of me. Anyway, I apologise for the lack of posts, and I'm scheduling this post after just watching the senior boys choir perform one of the best renditions of "My Shadow and Me" possible. If the performance is recorded I might post the link (except that'll be leaking my school so I probably won't) ~CM

[violetwinterwidow01]

MEMORY LANE (AU)

A/N: I meant to post this Jan. 1st, 2024, but never got around to it!!!

Feel free to reblog!!!

ENJOY

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

It's Cevyn and Bucky's 4th wedding anniversary, and their 9th best friend anniversary. But since Buck is on a mission, Cev has nothing better to do than go down memory lane from when they first go together.

Quick timeline:

Besties: Dec. 31st, 2014

Dated: Dec. 31st, 2016

Married: Dec. 31st, 2020

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Cevyn walks into the common living room finding Natasha, Yelena, and Clint.

Cevyn: hey guys

C/Y/N: hey! Happy anniversary!!!

Cevyn: Thank you, lovelies!!!

She joins them on the couch as they indulge in some action movie.

Yelena: We know it was yesterday and Bucky couldn't be here.

Cevyn: it's fine, I told him I'd figure out what I wanted by the time he got back today.

They hum.

Out of nowhere, She decides to ask a question.

Cevyn: ...Ya'll remember when i was such a whore back in 2021?

Yelena: SUCH A WHORE!!!

Natasha: ABSOLUTELY, HOW THE HELL COULD WE FORGET!?!?

Yelena: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!

The girls talk over each other making Cevyn laugh, while Clint violently chokes and spits out his beer. Cevyn and Natasha tap him on his back.

Cevyn: Yo, you good?

Clint: *cough, cough* No, no!!! *cough* Im not good!! I- I dont think i should be listening to this!!!

Natasha and Yelena laugh. He tries to get off the couch but nat pulls him back down and crosses her legs over top of his motioning Cevyn to do the same to keep him there. She lays her head in Yelena's lap.

Natasha: Sit down, she was a menace last year. youll wanna hear this!

He gives up. Sounds like good tea any damn way. (We all know Clint is one of the girls!!!)

Yelena: Cevy, what happened?

Cevyn: well after my 2 year relationship failed, i decided to have some... fun. Safe fun.

Natasha: Yeah, a WHOLE year worth of 'fun'.

Clint: that asswhole cheated on you didnt he?

Cevyn: yup

Clint sighs.

Clint: Why didnt you call me?

Cevyn: Cause i handled it... no ones gonna miss him.

C/Y/N: WHAT!?!?

She laughs.

Cevyn: im kidding!... maybe.

Clint looks at nat.

Clint: And what do you mean by a whole year?

Nat sighs and rubs her temples at the very fond memories of the year before.

Natasha: a different guy. Each day. 365 days in a year. You do the math.

Clint: CYNTHIA ELINA VALYN YAZMINE NOELLE STRYKER!!!

Cevyn side-eyes him at the use of her government name.

Clint: what the hell?!?! Didnt you have missions???

She smirks as Yelena burst out laughing.

Clint: my god

Cevyn: yup, i called upon him a couple of times. It was also more ladies than guys.

Yelena calms down from damn near dying.

Yelena: WHAT?!?! ARE YOU SAYING I COULDVE BEEN ONE OF THEM?!?!

Cevyn: im sorry baby, and it was only 364. I didnt have anybody on new years eve.

Yelena mumbles.

Yelena: could've had me...

Cevyn sits up and kisses her cheeks.

Cevyn: Maybe next time, boo. But Doesnt mean i didnt do anything though.

Yelena: whatd you do?

Cevyn: Well...

Flashback: Tony's Avengers ONLY New years eve pajama party 2021

Cevyn's PJs

(For once Tony didn't want a hell of a lot of people around.)

The party was BANGIN'!!! It was getting close to midnight, There was tons of liquor, everybody was dancing, Cevyn got so drunk she gave a full on lipsync concert. After that, she walked into the kitchen to grab some water.

When she walked in she saw her best friend Bucky and the one shady bitch she could never stand: Sharon. It seriously bothered her that bucky would choose that thing to date out of any woman in the world, which she reminded Buck daily about.

Theres a reason why Cevyn hates Sharon. Before Cevyn's last relationship, she caught the bitch sucking him off. After that, Sharon tried to act as if nothing ever happened. (Tryna be her friend and shit, bitch you know what the fuck you did!)

Finally, when she gave up and started dating Buck, Cev plotted her revenge. If bitches feel that they can take and play the delusional card, two can play that game. She walks over, purposely bumping Sharon out of the way to stand on her tiptoes wrapping her arms around his neck and planting a loving kiss on Bucky's cheek.

Bucky: Hi Cevy.

Cevyn: Hi Bucket.

Sharon scoffs as he wraps his arms around her voluptuous body, damn near feeling her up. He returns the kiss close to the corner of her mouth, a sight Sharon doesn't miss.

She shoves Cev out of the way. Cevyn was about to swipe Sharon across her face but Bucky caught her wrist and turned her around slowly.

As she opens the fridge she mumbles about how she was gonna snatch this hoe up by the hair on the nape of her neck and slang her on the floor resulting in dog walking her like the bitch she is.

Bucky: Sharon, the hell did you do that for?

Sharon: Oh, when she does it theres no problem, but when i do it there is?

Bucky scoffs, making Cev turn around snickering.

Bucky: Oh god, im not doing this with you.

Sharon walks away damn near on the brink of tears, which no one cares about. Bucky lets her go, reaching to grab a cupcake from the cake tower. As he grabs it, frosting gets on his metal thumb. Before he can grab a napkin, Cevyn takes his hand.

Cevyn: Dont worry, baby. Ill lick it up

Bucky: Its okay- oh shit!

Hes cut off as she latches her soft, plump lips around the tip of his thumb, gently sucking the tip. She pulls back with a pop that echos throughout the kitchen, even though the music is pretty loud.

Cevyn: What was that?

Bucky stumbles over his words trying to get out of the trance shes put him in.

Bucky: I-I- I dont-

Keeping eye contact, she kitten licks his thumb. She plays confused while smirking.

Cevyn: You dont what, baby? Whats wrong?

He continues to stammer and look between her eyes and her tongue rounding circles on his thumb, placing it back in her mouth.

Bucky: I dont know w-whats happening... but- but i like it.

She smiles. She moves to kiss his lips mumbling against them.

Cevyn: Mm-hm *kiss* I know you do *kiss* Keep your eyes on mommy, ok?

He nods absentmindedly slipping into a place he's never been before: ✨️SUBMISSION✨️ With his thumb back in its rightful spot, and continuous eye contact, she gets on her knees, holding his wrist, sucking faster. She unzips her onsie letting her tits spill out.

She places his right hand on her boob for him to squish. She moves her hand feeling him grow in his sweatpants. She moves off of his thumb to pull his sweats and boxers down to reveal his dick. Before he can say anything, shes fast like lightning, sucking his tip greedily then deepthroats him causing his knees to weaken and a string of 'holy fucks' to leave his mouth, catching him off guard. She giggles and moans sending vibrations around his shaft.

5 minutes go by and Sharon walks back in. She hears moans so she tries to be silent. She gets around the island and sees Cevyn on her knees with her eyes rolled back as Bucky fucks her throat. Cevyn looks over to see her standing with her jaw dropped. She sends her a menacing wink, smirking with her mouth full, cum dribbling down the side of her mouth.

She pulls away from Bucky swallowing every drop. She pulls up his sweats, using his thumb to swipe up his sweet sticky leftovers just to suck it off, and stands up to fix her clothes, but Bucky stops her picking her up to sit her on the island, and latches on to her nipple, making her laugh. She rubs her hands through his hair still eyeing up Sharon.

Cevyn: Enjoying the show?

Bucky turns his head, not so concerned about the situation at hand. Hes had a thing for Cev for a long time. But he made the mistake of dating Sharon to take his mind off of her. He smiles at her, picks up Cevyn wrapping her legs around his waist, walking out of the kitchen.

Cevyn: Paybacks a bitch, aint it?

Bucky: We're done Sharon.

Cevyn laughs. Bucky gets in the elevator.

Cevyn: where we going?

Bucky: To our floor. Where im gonna fuck you SENSELESS and make you cum so hard while we count down. Is that alright with you mama?

She smirks.

Cevyn: Yes, daddy.

End of flashback

As Nat and Yelena clapped and cheered, Clint sat puzzled.

Clint: didnt you ruin a relationship?

The girls laugh.

Cevyn: More like rescued Bucky because that shit show was doomed from the beginning. He's mine now, and I don't plan on letting him go anywhere.

Buck sneaks up behind. He gently pulls her head back, planting multiple kisses on her lips putting a smile on her face.

Cevyn: Hi baby.

Bucky: Hi mama. Happy anniversary.

Cevyn: happy anniversary. Oh, speaking of...

She gets up, rounding the couch.

Cevyn: I know what I wanna do now.

Bucky: Whats that?

She whispers in his ear.

Cevyn: Mind-blowing, life-altering, earth-shattering sex.

Without a second thought, he taps her thighs, signaling her to jump up.

Bucky: SOLD!!!

He runs them out of the room.

C/Y/N: BYE GUYS!

C/B: BYE!

Cevyn: IF YOU HEAR SCREAMING, ITS NOT ME!!!!

FIN.

[bonesandthebees]

Ugh school has been... a lot. It's rewarding, because I love all of my classes and half the reason I'm so busy is because I was cast in the school play not too long ago, but it sure doesn't leave me with a lot of free time. But I caught up on Glass Divine and Strings of Fate yesterday!

So Glass Divine: Love all the complications that arose in this chapter. I'm starting to really get a grasp on Tommy and Wilbur's dynamic. They should hate each other but they don't, and that fact is something they have in common and something they can connect over. Nobody understands why Tommy still wants to guard Wilbur. Nobody can comprehend the amount of cognitive dissonance that was occurring when Wilbur overpowered Tommy. They don't even understand each other, but they can (kind of) trust each other. It's not full trust, but it's still a hell of a lot more than they should have for each other.

(Also sorry to make a comparison, but just thinking about the contrast between how trust is handled in this fic versus in Stars has me screaming. Sorry, I just really love comparing and contrasting things I love)

The scenes with Jack and Niki were so well written. Immediately, you established an interesting, unique, and compelling dynamic just by having the four of them laugh off what happened with Wilbur and Tommy. Jack and Niki obviously knew that the situation was serious. But they (especially Jack) seemed to pick up on the fact that Wilbur and Tommy were sick of serious convos. They also realized that Wilbur and Tommy aren't enemies despite what happened. So Jack gave space for Wilbur to joke about it and Niki was kind

Then there's Tubbo. I understand Tubbo's point of view. At the same time, he said some shit that's gonna stick with Wilbur. The Tommy side of that scene might have been more impactful on his worldview - but still, now he has heard a deathling talk about how it would make sense to kill him. That's got to fuck with him

I'm now wondering if Tubbo is going to continue to be an antagonistic figure in the future. Might some problems arise because of him? I don't know, usually Tubbo doesn't really fill that type of role in a story. Then again, in Stars, you proved that you aren't limited by the confines of how these characters are usually portrayed. If I had a guess though, Tubbo is probably just going to remain the skeptic/voice of reason

-🔥

oh i'm glad school has been rewarding even if it's been a lot! being cast in the school play is so fun, I hope you have a great time!! tech week is hell but it's a fun kind of hell that you and your theater group all bond through lmao

yuppp you get it. the bond between wilbur and tommy doesn't make sense. they should hate each other, but they don't. wilbur can't bring himself to hate this kid who is far too young to be covered in so many marks of near death experiences, and tommy can't bring himself to hate this mysterious religious figure who reminds him more and more of himself as the days go on.

lol don't feel bad about making a comparison to another work of mine. I love when people point out consistent themes that pop up in my fics. sometimes it's intentional, sometimes it's not, and i love seeing the interpretations people make when they read multiple works of mine.

YEAHHH ROCKET DUO!! they definitely picked up on the fact that tommy and wilbur were tired of serious convos and needed a distraction. jack is especially good at breaking tension, so he just shatters the ice and says the thing they're all thinking outright and makes a joke about it. niki isn't as blunt, but she's kind, and tries to focus on being kind because she knows both of them are really stressed out.

tubbo's perspective makes sense, but it definitely hurts to hear. especially for wilbur, who now has justification for the very thing he's been saying this entire time. someone agrees with him that it doesn't make sense to keep him alive. it definitely impacted him.

I love making dynamics complicated as I'm sure you know, so maybe tubbo will occupy a role like that in the future or maybe not. you'll have to wait and see :)

thank you so much for your thoughts though flame!! so glad you enjoyed!!

[addictivepsychology]

Day 64

I feel so much better

Is this what it was like before I had the bacteria? I feel like a new person.

I had in n out last night right before bed and I’m not in a ton of pain. That has to be a good sign?

My stomach feels almost unaffected by food now and it’s almost scary to think about

I hope I don’t gain weight

I just want to keep losing

What will I do if I’m still positive, hope a second round will work

I really think these antibiotics worked

My stomach hasn’t felt this light in months

It’s almost as if everything is how it should be

Besides vitamin deficient

And not fully in shape

I squeezed your lemons yesterday for your bars,

I never know what to say to you

You’re fragile ,

Handle with care

And sensitivity

And it’s cliche but it’s fragile like a bomb, not a flower

I’m the flower

Apparently

I texted you last night but got no response , which figures

You’re hot and I’m me

Let’s see if we talk again

If not, there’s plenty of people in SoCal I want to date

But I felt safe with you, and calm

It’d be a shame if

That wasn’t what you felt

You texted me back ,

I hope you’re doing well, I’ve had a rough few days

But you don’t really care

And you don’t have to , and you shouldn’t

FaceTime dude texted me last night ,

Bland but that’s okay, it doesn’t need to be electric over text

Life isn’t like that

I don’t know what kind of connection I want

I don’t know what I want

I guess in available and emotionally unavailable

Whatever the fuck we all are these days since we’re damaged

Fucking damaged goods given to the bin to be refurbished by someone else who’s damaged

It’s lunch time and I’m sad again

Why does this keep happening,

Why do I need validation, I’ve been on my own for so long , but still somehow depended on someone else

How do I break the cycle

I guess work is really bringing me down too,

I just want it fixed and organized, and nobody to lie, people to tell me how to be better, but they’re all just talking about me now

And I wish I could be fixed

What do I do about my room

Should I get a storage unit

I go back and forth

I don’t want to pay but I think I’d be so much happier with a clean and organized space

It’s about $70 a month

But it’s like rent, you pay for the service and to be happy right now, not for the future

I almost cried at work today

A parent said they missed their child and was so excited to see them

I don’t know if I’ve heard a parent say that while picking up their kids from the daycare

Made me really want kids and a future with someone

I wonder what it’s like to love someone so much that I want a family and a life,

I’ve loved people that much before but I almost can’t imagine it now

I can’t imagine settling down or giving anything up again, I want to live and do what I want for a long time

One of you will be worth it, or multiple of you

I’m so fucking tired , I just want a cuddle and a movie

That’s all I ask for

But I’ll have another date soon, maybe that’ll give me my fix

I had dinner with your mom,

She asked about our breakup and I told her everything,

Because why not.

She helped me with you and she’s my only hope to make sure you don’t go back to stupid shit

She wants the best for you and loves you,

We all do

I just like to be out and you’re a homebody

You need therapy and lots of it

I wish it wasn’t at our expensive though,

Your mom looks like she isn’t in a good place though,

Skinnier and lip filler

That was never her, I hope she sees that she’s beautiful without it

And she can have a beautiful life

I can’t wait to see her again, we always have a good time,

We help each other make sure he does the best he can,

At least he has cheerleaders he doesn’t know about,

He always will

I loved you for years, but you need to love yourself

I can’t love you for you

Mr hippie called me saying he wanted to hear my voice

What a relief,

I hope he forgives me and we build trust

I’ll bake for him and drop off flowers tomorrow

I can’t wait to hear his voice and his calm,

I love his calm and positivity ,

I miss it

Nobody is like him

But that’s toxic to compare and even consider

We all have flaws

And I know yours too well

You are toxic but

I have to see it out

Even if it’s just because you’re hot

[timeoverload]

I don't know what the hell my problem was yesterday but I'm feeling a little better today. I was just crying off and on all day yesterday. I was getting upset about things that weren't a big deal. I have just been a wreck lately and I apologize for that. I don't like being moody and bitchy. I hate feeling that way.

I don't want to talk about work too much because I know it gets old. I had a long day as usual. I had 14 cases this morning and 17 this afternoon.

The morning was ok aside from losing the adapter for my spray hose in decontam. I looked for it everywhere. I even dug through my trash. I tore down 7 sterile pans to look for it and it wasn't in there so I had to redo all of those for nothing. It never turned up so I'm frustrated about that because the one I had for back up sucks and it falls off more than the other one. They don't want to buy me a new sprayer for my sink because they are so expensive. It gets used so much that the handle falls off so I'm constantly having to put it back together. My air hose is the same way. I don't know why they can't invest in new shit for me. I have been wanting a new ultrasonic for a while because the one I have isn't great. Both of the ultrasonics we use have caught on fire before but we are still using them because they don't want to pay to replace them. They have been repaired but they still have a lot of problems. I understand they are very expensive but I know they make enough profit to cover it.

The afternoon really sucked and I'm proud of myself for not crying. My legs hurt from rushing around. I really can't handle all of that by myself anymore. It is getting to be too much. My label printer also broke and I spent like 20 minutes trying to recalibrate it but I was unsuccessful. I have really bad luck with printers and I hate them. Hopefully I don't have to call IT in the morning but I will try to figure it out myself first. I was also annoyed because everyone just ignores me when I say I am overwhelmed or they say, "wow, you look busy!" and walk away. I try to help them when I can but that doesn't matter. The evening team lead was nice and told me he would clean up the last case so I could go home on time. I was so grateful for that because I felt like I was going to collapse if I stayed any longer.

I was planning on stopping for food on my way home but decided not to. I really need to go to the store but it has been scaring me lately. I get panicky at the store. There's just too many people there most of the time. I have things I can eat so I will be ok. I ate breakfast and lunch. I regret buying lunch though. I asked for half of a chicken enchilada and I paid $8 for it. I didn't notice how disgusting it looked until after I paid for it. The cheese on top was so burned that it was inedible and I had to pick it off. I ate what I could but it tasted like shit. I'm not a good cook but I know I could do better than that. I am going to ask to look at the food next time before I buy it since it's covered up in the warmer. I don't want to keep buying food there.

Anyway, I have been thinking about how it's difficult for me to be the person I want to be. I don't feel like I can do that in my current environment. I enjoy being close to my family but I need to get out of this room. I have no space to be productive or do a lot of the things I enjoy. I am constantly tripping and falling. I can hardly get into my refrigerator right now. Sometimes I have to sit in the dark so I don't have to see my mess. I have been getting spider bites while I'm sleeping so I don't enjoy that. I really don't like living the way I do and I know that it's my fault. I wish I didn't feel like shit all the time so I could do more. I also need to leave my toxic job. I feel like a plant that has outgrown it's pot. I want to go outside. I want to try to do new things but I have a hard time with that due to my hyperfixations with other stuff. I have always had trouble with that. I used to get made fun of for wanting to do the same things all the time but I can't help it because that's the way my brain works. I never understood why I did that until I found out that I'm autistic. I would like it if someone could expose me to new experiences because that might help me. I need someone around to help me have more fun. I want to laugh more. I don't want to have the same routine all the time because that has made my life so monotonous. I feel like I don't have much of a personality anymore and I'm boring.

I'm just really tired right now. I don't even know if I'm making sense. I was having trouble talking to people towards the end of the day because my brain was malfunctioning. I kept stuttering and it was difficult to find the right words to say so that was embarrassing. I think I need to relax now. I don't have much else to talk about anyway. I wish I had more positive things to say. I hope the next 2 days aren't quite as intense.

Thank you for all for listening to me vent and putting up with me when I am grumpy. I appreciate you. I hope you all have a wonderful day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, JULY 30, 1990 Yesterday was one hell of a day. To start off with, I slept only 3 hours. When I got up at 11:00, I felt like shit and was bottled up with a lot of stress as I’ve been through so much bullshit lately.

Brenda told me that we were gonna leave at 12:30 to go to this lake with a little beach in Ludlow and that Bonny and Dave decided not to go. So it got close to 2:00, and Bonny still wasn’t back yet so I figured she was angry with me and that’s why she was doing it cuz originally she wanted Brenda with Bonny’s sister Gail, but Gail’s got a girlfriend, and Brenda said long before she met me she wouldn’t really feel comfortable dating Gail cuz they were too good of friends. Brenda says she feels like they’re sisters and it would almost be like incest. Also, Bonny’s the type that likes to do things her way only. So, finally Bonny came back and I called her by phone and she said she didn’t want to talk and I knew right away it was cuz she knew I was mad and that I was right, but couldn’t handle that so it was easier for her to “hide” as she says I do. So I screamed out my open window and into theirs that it was ok for her to be a bitch but God help anybody else if they’ve got something to say. And there’s a lot more to it, meaning a lot of other shit she’s said but I’m not gonna waste my time getting into it, but it’s too bad cuz we’ve had some good talks and she’s otherwise a nice girl. To wrap it up though, after me and Brenda got back from Ludlow, Bonny comes running out as we were coming up the stairs bitching about how I cussed her out and said what I had to say about her smart mouth and false assumptions she’s made about me (she’s jealous of Brenda spending time with me and not with her and Gail), and also, I think Tom filled her head with bullshit. She was saying that they were getting evicted and that if I wanted to fight we could go outside as she went to jump me. Before I could jump her back, Brenda and Dave stepped between us and I really wish they hadn’t cuz I would’ve fucked this bitch up badly and she would’ve deserved it 100%.

Afterward, we talked about it on the phone and she told me she has PMS. But that was no excuse to lunge at me, and she’s lucky they stepped in our way. I told her I’d beat her silly if this happened again, but if not, I’d like to put it in the past and forget it. She said she already has, and asked that I not dump Brenda out of anger.

SUNDAY, JULY 29, 1990 I’m so pissed! I’m going through the same bullshit on this antibiotic being so restless. I can’t sleep for the life of me. At first, I thought it was me and said to myself, “What is wrong with me?” Until I realized what was going on. I slept less than 5 hours yesterday, too. Also, all night long I was exhausted and I figured I’d sleep pretty well. I mean, I do have something on my mind, but still, this is ridiculous.

Speaking of something being on my mind, well, today’s Sunday. Another day of depressing news about the band.

As I was up all night I realized something about myself. Well, people say not to be so negative and to be more positive and I realized sometimes I am positive as well as negative but either way, anything I really want or try for that means a lot to me comes out negative. Seriously. I always fall flat on my ass whether I think positive or negative so what difference does it make how I think? None at all. I know for sure I didn’t make it in this band but make pretend I was all psyched up for it thinking, “I know I won. I just have to win. I know I’ve made this band.” In the long run, it always turns up negative. Yeah, well, no more jokes on me cuz today I know just what to expect. I don’t fool myself or lie to myself either. Same thing if I met a beautiful gay woman like Gloria that was single and looking. I would never get her whether I thought positive and pursued her or hoped she pursued me or if I thought negative.

SATURDAY, JULY 28, 1990 This was the day 9 years ago that I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat till December 19th. It’s so hard to believe it was a whole 9 years ago. And it was 8 years ago around this day, this month that I was admitted to Valleyhead and 6 years ago I left.

Well, last night was the finals at the Frontier and several people are pretty pissed off including me, Brenda, Andy, Andy’s sister Marla and others. Once again it was 100% fixed just like the Pub. 500-pound Sue, who looked totally ridiculous, won. Rachel, whom I hear was boring, got second place. Renee got third. Renee is good, though, and so is Bruce who decided at the last minute he was going to perform. I’m telling you, when it comes to amateur productions in a meat marketplace they fuck over any decent person who’s got talent. Another thing is that they hate real women. They’re jealous. Plus, it’s all about popularity, too. Sue’s an ass-kisser and knows everybody and probably fucks everyone and parties with everyone. She has been nice to me, though. She bought me an $11 pair of shoes I needed for Vogue, helped me with my hair and made all the people that lost flowers. It’s still not fair though. They’ve fixed these things before on me, Andy and many others. Of course, Dedra will win the finals at the Pub.

Also, Brenda told me one of the judges they call Roxy gave her dirty looks and Brenda overheard her say, “Oh, she’s just using Jodi,” in the bathroom. All bitter, spite and jealousy cuz she’s not a real woman and the bitch can’t sing. I can’t wait to confront this bitch. I never even saw or met this queen before in my life and neither has Brenda. Andy knows her, though.

Andy’s sister Marla videotaped the show so I’ll have to see it. Andy says he liked my singing and so did many other people and yes, there are a lot of good honest caring people there but always the one or two jerks get in the way and fuck everyone and everything up.

In the dressing room, Bruce and a few other people said they were pissed Roxy was one of the judges cuz she’s unfair. They also lied when they said the judges wouldn’t know anyone and there’d be no favoritism. Everyone said Carl’s singing sucked. I feel he hit some very high powerful notes well but yes, he went quite flat on a few notes and really poured it out too much. I did have a lot of fun with rehearsals and the performance and I do have true and sincere friends there, but life sucks and it’s just not fair. Now all I have to do is wait for Sunday so I can hear some more depressing news about that band Cue. That’s if they even call me, and you know what that means if I’m the one who has to pick up the phone and call them.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 25, 1990 I got up at 3pm and had therapy at 4pm which went quite well.

Yesterday I sang quite well as the Ceftin has been helping me as far as draining my congestion.

Brenda enjoys it when I sing for her. Yesterday Brenda and I talked, watched TV, went to Food Fart and made love. I am getting more and more comfortable with her and I feel less and less tense and awkward. I tell her I feel guilty cuz she does so much for me and I was such a bitter crab in the beginning, but she says she understands me and that you can never do too much for someone you really care about. Here’s someone who loves me for me and who’s had problems but isn’t whacked out. Of course, we’re gonna give it time before we discuss living together. That’s a mega-major step.

She is great in bed, too.

Bill’s here now with his students. I hope we can sing later cuz I couldn’t Monday. I was too sick and thank God for Brenda who took care of all that so I could sleep.

Tomorrow night I have rehearsals, then Friday night’s the big night.

As far as the band, I won’t know until Sunday as they’ve had tons of calls but I called Mr. Grant who’s black. The whole band is, except for the manager Dave, which I think is neat. I said, “I don’t mean to be impatient or pushy, but I’m excited about this. How does it look?” He said not bad. I’ll just keep hoping and praying with my fingers crossed till Sunday.

TUESDAY, JULY 24, 1990 Yesterday morning I went to the ER since the Cipro I was given made me so restless. Brenda took me to the ER and both Dr. McGovern and Dr. Mudawar met us there. McGovern gave me something called Ceftin as I have bronchitis. It has been extremely hot and humid and the air is so polluted.

My two mice, Gremlin and Gizmo, are going bonkers for attention just like Tigger does, and most especially of all, Toffee. They were given to me by Bonny, Brenda’s 20-year friend. They’ve known each other since they were 10 and they’re both 30 now. Bonny’s ugly and butchy looking, but is seeing a black guy.

Today’s the day I get called either way as far as a yes or a no about the audition. Like I said, I tend to be doubtful as it usually takes many auditions before you get lucky. Everyone goes through that whether they’re great singers, mediocre or sucky and whether they stay local or get big-time famous.

MONDAY, JULY 23, 1990 Jesus Christ! I’m so pissed off. I can’t sleep to save my life. I cannot stand summer. It’s so fucking humid. I eat and sleep weirdly in the winter, but not this weird.

Today at 2:00, I have to go to the allergy and asthma Dr. Also, Bill’s supposed to be here and I’ve got to find out what time so someone can let him in if it runs into my appointment. I really should schedule my GYN and dentist and get a complete physical. And also, I’ve got some very serious house cleaning to do and laundry. Then the last and kind of scariest thing on the list is to call SIS and find out how I screwed up my book and bounced something. And these things with the bank always turn out to be worse than you originally thought. If it’s true, I’ll die. I’ll get absolutely no help from Mom, plus we had a huge fight. What else is new?

I have to wait till Tuesday as far as a yes or no to getting in the band Cue I mentioned. They were definitely impressed and the manager said so but for everything you do well, there’s always someone better. My singing was ok but it could’ve been better. It was extremely hot and humid that day. Like almost 100º. They liked my pitch, my keyboard playing but of course, I told them I was better at guitar. Also, they liked my singing in Spanish, my ability to dance, and my looks. They’re very friendly too, and they don’t make you nervous. Even though it looked good for me, I’m always a doubter until proven wrong and something does work out for the better.

THURSDAY, JULY 19, 1990 Oh my God, has the 90s been a major change, or what? For the better, that is, so far. I was telling Martha this today in therapy, and about how the 80s was a definite curse for me. She laughed her ass off at the way I said it even though we both know it’s true. She also cracked up at the way I said, “I should know, sweetheart.”

The lessons here with Bill are going great still, and also, Paula comes over or I go over there and I still speak with Fran, Tracy, Steve, Jessie, Dedra and of course Andy. We don’t hear too much from Nervous, though. This girl, Jackie, I met when I was working at the store, is supposed to come over for a visit but I don’t know when as I’ve been unusually busy but it feels great. I’ve also got to see Allison at the store sometime.

Also, sometime tomorrow I believe I’ll be going for a top 40 band audition.

SATURDAY, JULY 14, 1990 I had rehearsals today and I will again next Saturday. It was a lot of fun. Loopy didn’t show up again, and also Rachel and Carl, whose name I thought was Chuck, was late again. Thank God cuz Carl is an excellent singer and I’ve heard Rachel’s good although I’ve never seen her perform. Carl and I will be the only ones to sing live. Renee may possibly sing live though, too. They changed the prizes for the finals, and the date, too. It’ll be the 27th, rather than the 28th. Also, instead of $1,000 for the winner, it’ll be $500 for 1st place, runner-up gets $300 and 3rd place gets $200.

As far as Brenda’s concerned, well, she is attractive, though not the most attractive, of course, cuz that’s just a dream, yet she really does care, loves my music, we have lots in common, but she smothers me too much and I need to spend more time alone than the average person. If it was someone as gorgeous as Gloria then that’d be different, but like I said, that’s just a dream. Especially in the gay world. Trying to find a very beautiful, sexy, feminine, flashy gay woman that’s decent is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. She’s far from ugly though and life is full of compromises, right?

WEDNESDAY, JULY 11, 1990 As I lay here waiting for my edits to rewind, I realize I have so much to write about and that I really should keep up with it every day so I get in all the details of everything and so I don’t have to stop and ask myself, “Am I covering everything that’s happened since my last entry?” And also, “Have I written about this or that yet, or have I forgotten?”

First I’ll start out by saying that the lessons over here are going great. Bill’s here twice a week and his students are very nice and it’s fantastic getting free lessons. That’s $36 I save. I’ve only had two lessons so far from Bill but already he’s working his miracles once again. My voice is so relaxed and he’s doing exercises that help to widen my range. More soprano-like, even though I’m a definite contralto. It’s a lot of fun and I feel great about it.

Well as far as my edits go, I have one hell of a classic masterpiece here. I’ve completed side A and have started side B. It’s mainly Nervous as he’s got the best voice for it being a sack of nerves “choking up on his breath” as Fran’s brother Rick put it a year ago. The tape contains me, Andy, Fran, Nervous, Rick, Tracy, Tony L, and this other guy. My uncle Marty’s on it, too.

Now everything I just wrote is basically petty detail so now I’m gonna mention two things that will be the greatest and most shocking things I’ve written in all my journals combined. Before I do though, I’ll say that on July 28th I hope I can write something even more great and shocking to top what I’m about to write. Last June 21st on a Friday night, it was a last-minute decision for me to perform at the Pub and the Frontier. Now, the Pub’s contest is strictly lip sync, but the Frontier’s contest was talent, meaning you could sing live if you want to. I won $125 between the Pub and the Frontier! I lip sang Si Voy a Perderte at the Pub and sang live Don’t Wanna Lose You at the Frontier. I got such a major response from the audience too, it was amazing, and I felt so confident too, and really, really enjoyed myself. There were several weeks at both places and I don’t know when the finals will be at the Pub but the finals at the Frontier will be July 28th and me and Andy are both in it competing together for $1,000! The one at the Pub is gonna be for $500, but like I said, I don’t know when yet. I’m gonna sing Si Voy a Perderte live.

Last Saturday we had rehearsals for the opening song, Vogue, that we’re all doing and funny enough, I am the lead dancer. We have rehearsals again next Saturday. Last Saturday, Bruce, Chuck and Rachel didn’t show up so they lost points and I hate to say it but I was glad cuz they’re great performers. The MC, Wally, made us pick a number out of a hat and I picked 6 so that means I’ll be the sixth one to perform. Andy was number 2 which pissed him off, and now he’s even more pissed cuz he’s number 1 as Bruce is now refusing to perform when Andy told him he’d be number 1 at his store today. They say it isn’t good to be number 1-4 cuz the judges tend to forget about you once they get up in numbers. I just hope to hell Chuck and Rachel don’t show up, but then again, I’m sure Renee will and she’s good. There are going to be 4 judges and so Wally says they cannot fix it or play any favoritism, but my main worry is Chuck cuz he’s gonna sing live and he is good. I mean good. And also, he’s not a real woman.

Later…

I thought I had therapy today, but I guess not. When I went down there today Martha was nowhere to be found and the receptionist whom I know but keep forgetting her name said she’s got me written down for tomorrow at 10:00. Why I don’t know, cuz she told me she was changing the time to late afternoon at 4:00. Rose said she’d call me later.

Bill is here now with Cindy who’s pretty good, but he also has some sorry cases. I bet he can make them all good, though, after all he’s done for me.

Brenda’s gone to Palmer for the night to babysit her son, daughter, a foster child, and 3 other kids who all live with her sister Donna and her brother-in-law Kevin V. He’s a cab driver who used to know Crystal C.

Since I haven’t yet written about 30-year-old Brenda S, I’ll start by saying that I met her through Tom next door, who she was seeing and also living with till he moved out. She’s 5’ 6” with dark eyes and dark hair to the middle of her back. She’s a quarter Cherokee. She’s too thin, too. I had met her many weeks before we actually had begun speaking to each other and noticed her very, very intense stare as I was coming into the building and she and Tom were on their way up from the laundry room and to the apartment next to me. So finally, several weeks later, she came over and said, “I don’t mean to be personal, but are you gay?” When I said yes, she told me she was bi and that she liked Tom but that he can be very immature at times since he’s only 18 and very vulnerable. She also told me she had been married for 10 years and of course, like most males, he beat her up and used her for sex and he also fucked her over as far as the kids go. Also, the courts screwed her over just like they always do when it comes to women and children. They’re living with her sister and Kevin who have been married 10 years and they seem happy and Brenda’s glad they’re still in the family even though she misses them to death.

[midwesternorcprincess]

i feel like i've gotten so much better at interacting with people and being, by my standards, gregarious. not all the time. there are still tons of situations where i still feel horribly unable to break in anywhere. which feels bad, but even then i don't FEEL shy and nervous in the way that i used to. used to be i couldn't hardly say a word to anybody and was so distressed and avoidant toward so many social situations, the kinda kid that was too afraid to order at restaurants, etc

the first time i remember a change, i was in my early 20s, was somewhere with my family and made a light joke to the person we were talking to. i did this naturally, without thinking of it, and my mom told me later how surprised she'd been. so i don't know how the change started. this was in my horrible four-years-off-from-school era where i wasn't doing shit, a pretty low point in my life. i've joked that after such long and intense isolation from most other people, i reverted to a sort of penguin-like state, you know how penguins lived isolated from humans for so long that they never developed a fear of them like most other wildlife. because i went from having really debilitating social anxiety to being like, fine

i had had to quit school over this and then i came back and really flourished there and am continuing to do so several years later. i teach, something i never in my life would have dreamed i'd be able to do, and i'm fine. it's not like 'playacting social skills because i have to' either, like a lot of other autistics say they feel like they're doing, either. i've found i genuinely enjoy the chance to strike up conversation with someone. i went to a ren faire for the first time yesterday and this happened a few times, where i'd chat with a vendor or someone in line or something and it would turn into them giving me a lot of useful information and advice and i felt like i'd made a connection. like i'd finally leveled up personality and passed a speechcraft check. that's what prompted me to think about this again, although in hindsight i can see a lot of such improvements in the last few years

so i wonder if i can get my new skill into wider use to cover the other kinds of social situations where i still feel like i don't have a good handle on things. i'm trying to figure out the patterns for where things go well for me. i think group size and dynamic is an obvious one. i do well with like one-on-one-or-two interactions, much, much worse in medium-sized groups, and then i go up to being fine, if not particularly enjoying myself, if i have to address a large group, like in teaching or giving a presentation or something. i think my trouble is i feel like i have a hard time "competing" for attention in those medium-sized groups, like i tend to feel invisible and like i don't have things worth saying. i will have to think on this.

but anyway i like people and i feel good when i have pleasant interactions with them and i like making them happen. so all this recently has made me feel good (even a pleasant little interaction with a bus driver the other day). i will never be the life of the party and i'm not interested in being; everyone still universally describes me as mysterious and having subdued energy. that is true of me and i'm okay with that. but, you know. it's cool to observe myself improving at a major weakness over the course of my life

[allinthefeels]

Chapter two: I’m the cool one now!

After high school is really where things went the totally wrong way. Both in a month just a day apart, I lost a sweet school mate, and my uncle whom I was close with, he had diabetes so I helped take care of him. Trigger, I’m also missing my first ever best friend and another uncle who I was close with as well, he passed when I was young and don’t remember too much, just that I wanted to be in the room with him and was told no, apparently because he was hooked up to a lot of things and my aunt thought it would traumatize me. I again never got to say goodbye.

This is where we cue my first interaction with drugs. I often hear people call Mary Jane a “gateway” drug, let me tell you this was absolutely not the case with me. I didn’t want to be stoned and just there, no I wanted to feel happy and alive. Enter the white snow. I had a job a I moved into an apartment, I was alone. Happened to run into this guy and he gave me some attention. He talked , hung out, and one day he pulls that snow out and asked if I trusted him, I did… I thought I did at that time. We did a whole 8 ball in one night, omg what was that feeling??? I didn’t care about the past, I felt a feeling I don’t remember feeling…. Was this … yea I was happy! I was smiling and felt great.

Days, weeks, months went by, this was my drug, the happy powder! I met new people, they liked me, or maybe just my car, doesn’t matter I wasn’t alone and I was happy. Wasn’t I? I learned that doing said drug made me open up and talk, laugh, cry, didn’t matter I didn’t feel like my life sucked! I had a lot in common with one of the girls and we became good friends, we both got clean for a while , she got pregnant, I was alone, hey I remember something that won’t allow me to care, reenter Snow White. I had this handled I quit before I could quit again, I’m not an addict because I can quit! Aren’t we loving those demons??? They are so convincing.

Let’s speed up a tiny bit, now I have new friends, thanks to this one chick we hung around and asked me to drive her to this dudes house, not her dude anymore! I just didn’t care, I was hurt so much that I figured why not soo some hurting? Hey wait, what’s this stuff? It’s clearish not white like snow! *shrugs* different place , different people, maybe it was just a version of snow that I didn’t know about. Oh my that freaking burned! That was weird. I feel weird, not bad , not good, just confusing. Oh we write after taking it! Bet I love to write! Wait what day is it?? Friday??? How yesterday’s was just Monday! How freaking long have I been awake?

Oh well, we are having a non stop party! I have friends again!!! We’re they really friends? I call them fake friends, at this point I could get money when I needed it, they had no money , we shared this new icy looking drug. Oh well I’m not alone and I think they actually like me! But do they? This time this fiasco went on for months. I dropped so much weight that my pants were falling off of me, but can’t buy new pants, I need this stuff to make me popular, loved, excepted.

Days and nights awake… can lead to some crazy stuff. Before I saw my own crazy stuff I watched others, and thought “man they have a problem they do too much” but not me , no problem here . Remember I quit snow, I can do this too if I wanted. I wasn’t an addict. More days and nights passed. Who said that??? Omg are they talking about me? Is this dude really banging someone in the living room while I’m in his bed? What are they saying , I just heard my name. They are going to hurt me and deceive me. Oh yes the ice goblin got me! I was hearing shit that wasn’t real, not another soul was there, they left to get more. It seemed so real, it had to be real, I’m not trippin like them others.

I finally fell asleep! With nothing to use I crashed. I slept for a week. No one bothered me, but they did check on me. I was alive they were good! When I finally woke I realized I needed a damn shower like now! How long did I go wearing the same clothes with no shower! Gross! I’m going home, I’m done! See I’m not an addict I quit! I left everyone , ignored phone calls, went through a small withdrawal and I was alone. All alone. Depression is back with his loser friends and of course who tagged along??? Demons!

[shamelesshussythoughts]

Turn around.

So, I sent an article I found about working out and weed since we had pretty much said, let's be work out friends.

I didn't expect an answer or anything, I just thought it was something interesting. But he messaged back later in the day. We talked about that, he confirmed that we were still going to be friends, and we kept talking. He asked about his spectrum diagnosis and if that bothered me. Of course it doesn't, I told him I remember when he first told me and that I thought it really made a lot of sense, but that his "personality quirks" were just part of him that I accepted and liked.

We talk some more. I dump a bunch of baggage, he dumps some baggage, then he drops a damn bombshell right as I'm getting ready for bed. He wants to know why I said what I said yesterday. I broke it down, I'm lonely and saw him and am a sucker who never got over him. He asked why now, told him when I first found him on FB he'd been married and mine wasn't the shit show it is now. But I saw his running post, my life is confusing, and I just figured that it was better to try to reach out and tell the truth and maybe get rejected than not find out anything at all. I told him I never tried to get back to him because I didn't think he'd want me. I fucked him over hard.

Seems like if we hadn't lost touch he might have.

Anyway, we finally end that and he asks a silly question, I stop crying, we say goodnight.

Sent him a happy 420 message this morning.

As much as that conversation with him hurt, I'm glad it happened. I'm glad he was able to tell me what he thought/felt, even if it made me hate who I was then even more. I'm glad he was able to finally get it off his chest and I'm glad I was there to hear it.

Who knows what lies ahead for either of us? He did give some good advise on handling things through therapy and that it really wasn't so difficult at all since it was amicable. Which is what I would want if things don't work out for DM and me.

I'm glad he's back in my life and I'm glad we seem to be talking through all the shit.