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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: it's time for my first real published piece in...a long time. Spawned from conversations on the ol' discord, here's some adorable Kid Eruri for you all.

Content warnings: some mention of blood, death. Some child abuse?? (i.e. Kenny is not nice to Baby Levi).

Gee and Milk, I hope this is everything you were hoping for!]]

INTO THE SUN

Levi shielded his eyes from the bright shine of the sun as he neared the top of the stairs. His legs screamed from the long climb; he’d had to keep up with Kenny’s long stride and Levi, still small for his age, had to practically jog to stay close behind.

“Couldn’t we have taken the trolley up?” Levi had muttered early on in the climb, back before the shock of the sun’s light had started to swallow up the darkness.

“It’s enough of a cost to get you up here at all for the time I need ya,” Kenny had said after a smack to the face. “You wanna come up to the Surface and help me with this or what? I can just push you back down the damn steps if you wanna stay down there.”

Levi didn’t argue after that; he just rushed to keep up as fast as his legs could carry him.

Now, as he emerged into the sunlight, Levi could understand a little why people paid the high price to come up here, even for a few days. The air was fresh; the stink of sewage far behind them, and the warm rays of late morning sun quickly dried the chronic dampness that lingered on his skin. Letting his eyes adjust, he gazed around him as people bustled through their lives, unseeing of him or Kenny emerging from the stairs. They wore real clothes; clean and in bright colours instead of the drab browns, greys, and blacks he was used to. Shades of blue and green, red and purple, soft pinks and sunny yellows swirled around him as he took in the sight.

A smack to the back of his head brought him out of his daze. He looked up to see Kenny frowning at him, but with some distant look that seemed almost like sadness, in his eyes.

“Keep moving, Runt,” Kenny grumbled as he stepped towards the street.

Levi scrambled after him, trying not to lose focus as he saw tall statues with brown pillars and green crowns that fluttered in the breeze. Smaller statuettes with green stalks and brightly coloured heads delicately danced in the sun. Levi wondered what the monuments celebrated that there were so many.

Across the street, Kenny hired a carriage, and Levi got his first up-close look of a horse. The large, terrifying animal – so much bigger than the mules he was used to – rippled with muscle as it strode next to him and Kenny, and Levi was struck with a desire to both touch it and run far away. Before he could make up his mind, Kenny picked him up around his middle and muscled him into the carriage and slammed the door shut. They began to move, the gentle grind of the wheels on stone, dirt, and dust replacing much of the noise from outside.

Levi tried not to get distracted by the world passing by the window of the carriage, but it was hard not to. Whole families – at least, he assumed they were families – walked together down stone-paved pathways. Market stalls were full of fruits and vegetables and something long and shiny with eyes but no legs. He wondered what those fruits tasted like. The only one he ever remembered eating was a watermelon, split with his mother one time. It had been an absolute delicacy at the time, though he now knows that it was likely half rotten, like most things are in the Underground.

Some minutes into his reverie, he felt a kick from Kenny, startling his gaze from the window.

“Stop gawkin’ and pay attention. We gotta go over the details of the job.” Kenny held a stack of papers in his hand and flipped one over to show to Levi. It contained a bunch of scrawled figures on the bottom, squashed beneath a drawing of a man with glasses. “This is the target.”

Over the next couple of hours in the carriage, Levi learned about the job Kenny needed his help with. The man in the drawing was a teacher in a small city near the Capital, and the rumour was that he was in possession of some knowledge the King didn’t want getting out. It was Kenny’s job to make sure this man didn’t spread this knowledge around to people, since it could cause a lot of problems, not just for the King, but for everyone in the Walls. Before Kenny could act, though, he needed proof, and that was where Levi came in.

Levi would enroll in the school the man taught at and try to get information from him. The man had a son, just a couple years older than Levi, and Levi would be in his class. If he could get the proof through the son, that worked too.

“The grade he teaches is mostly ten year-olds, so you’re going to have to pretend you’re the same age,” Kenny commented. “You’re a bit small even for your own age, but maybe they’ll just figure you’re a runt.”

Levi bristled at the jab at his size, but he fought the urge to respond. He knew what would happen if he did.

“We’ll have to get you some clothes and a bath before the class starts in a couple of days,” Kenny went on. “You can’t go in wearing shit from the Underground. How’s your reading and writing?”

Levi’s shoulders hiked up to his ears and he looked to the floor of the carriage.

“I can’t.”

Kenny frowned at him for a long time, and Levi thought he would get hit again, but the blow never came. Glancing back up, he saw Kenny just shrug and go back to the papers.

“Well shit. Guess Kuchel didn’t exactly have the chance to teach you. And it ain’t like they got schools down there. Shouldn’t be surprised.”

Finally, Levi asked about the monuments out in front of the stairs when they emerged from the Underground. Kenny stared at him, wide-eyed for a long moment before he scoffed.

“Those were trees and flowers, dumbass.”

Slowly, Levi relaxed and glanced back out the window, waiting for something more. It never came.

***

Levi had dozed off on the seat of the carriage by the time they reached their destination; a tiny house on the outskirts of a small city. The sun was edging towards the west, which he later learned meant it was setting. Kenny nudged him with his foot to wake him, then guided him into the house.

It was barely more than a bedroom, a kitchen, and a bathroom, and it was in the latter room that Kenny shuttled him into. He ran a hot bath and instructed Levi to get clean. Kenny shut the door, leaving Levi alone with the steaming water, a bar of soap, and a glass bottle of something Levi couldn’t identify. Whatever it was, it smelled really nice.

Levi had never had a bath so warm before, and it took a lot of concentration not to sink completely into it in a sleepy stupor. He found the bar of soap to be more than the hard, somewhat rancid smelling bar of animal fat he was used to; this one smelled pretty, and reminded him a little of his Ma. He soaped up his hair and then dunked his head under to rinse it clean before scrubbing down his body. When was the last time he had been able to afford a bath? Maybe a week or so before Kenny came for him, and that bath hadn’t been nearly as nice as this one.

When he got out and toweled himself off, he realized that there weren't any clothes for him to wear; Kenny had taken his when he’d walked out of the room. Levi looked in the cabinets and stood on the tips of his toes to check a shelf, but couldn’t find anything. He wrapped the towel around himself and cracked the door open.

“Hey, Kenny?” Levi whispered. “Where are my clothes?”

He was answered by silence. Levi slowly stepped out of the bathroom and into the house, looking around, only to find himself alone. There weren’t any clothes for him in the rest of the house, either. Left without guidance or direction and nothing to wear, Levi made himself a little nest on the floor from the blankets and pillows on the bed and wrapped himself in another blanket he found in a closet and went back to sleep.

He was awakened some time later by Kenny’s boot in his stomach.

“Hey, Runt, who said you could dirty up my bedclothes, huh?”

“I’m clean, so I’m not dirtying anything,” Levi groused as he rubbed his eyes. “Besides, you left me alone and I didn’t know what else to do.”

Kenny grunted in frustration before tossing down a pile of clothes in his lap.

“Get dressed and come to the kitchen. I’ve got your kit ready.”

Levi slipped into the outfit Kenny gave him, made of the softest fabric he’d ever touched, and looked over at a mirror in the corner of the room. A dark blue hooded jacket hung loose over a short-sleeved shirt – just a size too large. Light coloured trousers fit well enough after he rolled the hems up slightly, and dark brown loafers made of real leather made him look like a regular person from the Surface. He wondered how much he could sell those loafers for back home.

Back in the kitchen, Kenny was stuffing some items into a pack. Levi saw his knife, the one Kenny had given him after he found him, on the kitchen table. He reached for it, but Kenny slid it out of his grasp.

“Uh-uh,” Kenny said. “It’s too big. You can’t go walking into a posh Aboveground school with that.”

“But then what will I–”

“Here.” Kenny held out a small fold-out knife, no thicker than Levi’s first and middle fingers put together. “It’s easier to fit into your pocket. Later I’ll teach you how to sew it into the lining of your trousers.”

Levi unfolded the knife and looked at the blade. It was certainly sharp, obviously recently cleaned, the metal adequately tempered. But something this small…could he really win a fight with it if he had to? He slipped it into his pocket and waited as Kenny finished stuffing the pack.

“Take the bag. I’m going to bring you to where you’re going to stay.” Kenny turned around and walked to the front door.

“I’m not staying here?” Levi asked, grabbing the bag and rushing after him.

“No. I can’t have anyone thinking we’re linked. My face is… well, let’s just say it’s recognizable okay? And if this job is going to be a secret, people can’t know you’re working with me.”

“How will you know if I’m doing it right?”

Kenny started down a long dirt path into the forest, Levi walking a few paces behind him.

“I’ll come to you to check in. Understand? Do not come find me. I will come to you.”

“Okay.”

“Repeat it.” Kenny pointed at him, a grave look on his face.

“I will not come find you. You will come to me.”

“Good.”

They walked down the path until they came to a small clearing near the edge of the forest, just barely hidden in the trees. Once there, Kenny made him drop the pack and pulled a big cloth out of it, followed by metal poles. He set it up and stuffed a pillow and bedroll and blanket inside.

“This is a tent. It’s where you’ll be sleeping,” Kenny said when it was done.

“I’m not living in a house?” Levi asked, frowning. He had hoped that his living situation was going to be at least a little better than it was Underground.

“Do I look rich enough to afford a separate house for you for a few months?” Kenny spat. “Just be glad I’m giving you a roof at all. I could have just dumped you out here with nothing.”

Levi frowned, biting back his anger and the small prickle of tears at his eyes. He knew what crying in front of Kenny got him.

“Good. Now, do you know how to start a fire?”

“Yeah.”

“Here’s some flint.” Kenny threw a piece onto the ground and gestured around to the forest. “Burn whatever you can find around here. There’s a stream nearby where you can bathe and wash your clothes. Soap’s in your pack. There’s a quill and ink and paper for the school, and some money. That money has to last you the week, so spend it wisely. It’s for whatever food you don’t catch, got it?”

Levi nodded. He wondered if he could manage to hide some of the money instead of using it, so he’d have something for when he had to go back Underground.

Kenny leaned down to the pack and took out a piece of paper and showed it to him.

“This is the path you take to get to the school, alright? It’s right in the center of the city. You can buy your food there, too. And listen, if anyone spots you out here, you tell them you’re camping with your dad, and you’re waiting for him to come back.”

“Okay,” Levi said.

“School starts the day after tomorrow. Go into town tomorrow morning, get familiar. You can’t be looking like a tourist when you go to the school on the first day. You get in there, you tell them you’re in Mr. Smith’s class. Everything else is arranged for you to start.”

“Okay.”

Kenny made him repeat everything back, correcting him with a smack to the head whenever he messed up. Finally, when he could repeat it back perfectly, Kenny handed him a small bag with a sandwich and a roasted potato, now cold.

“That’s your dinner. After this, everything’s up to you. Last thing.” Kenny reached into his pocket and handed Levi a small, dark red ribbon. “If you get the information, either from the dad or the son, you hang this on the tallest tree branch you can reach over by the river. I’ll walk by every night and if I see it, I’ll know.”

Levi stuffed the ribbon into his pocket and nodded. He watched as Kenny walked back along the path he had come. When he was out of sight, Levi tore open the bag and ate, realizing he hadn’t eaten all day.

***

Sleeping on the street in the Underground, one gets used to the constant noise of people; fighting, laughing, dying. Sometimes dogs bark, but the most prominent noise through all of it is the sound of water dripping. From grates above, from roofs that have been dripped on from the rock and soil, from piping. Out in the open forest Aboveground, the noises are very different.

When Levi laid down on his bedroll that first night, he struggled to fall asleep through the sound of insects chirping, birds cooing, and animals rustling near his tent. When he finally fell asleep, he was plagued by nightmares of monstrous creatures pawing at his tent to get to him, or of people finding him there and accusing him of something terrible, digging a hole in the earth to send him back to the Underground.

Waking just as the sun began to peek above the distant hills, Levi shivered under his blanket and blinked into the hazy morning. He watched small animals rustle about in the clearing he was in; he saw them dig into the ground or pull things out of the trees, seemingly heedless of his presence. He wasn’t sure which of them were actually edible, but that never really stopped him before, had it? Still, he didn’t know how to catch animals up here. Would they be as cunning and careful as the rats he’d learned to snatch with a practiced strike as they nibbled on a bit of moldy food? Hopefully, at least, they didn’t bite like the rats did.

Levi gathered some sticks and found that, despite being damp from the morning dew, they took a spark better than any of the wood he’d ever been able to scrounge up Underground. The small fire warmed him as a morning mist rolled down the hills, over the nearby river, and through his camp, carrying the last of the night’s chill with it.

He was careful to keep his fire small, but found that the sound and smell of the flames kept animals away, so he resigned himself to an empty stomach for the morning. A small growl from within protested, and he quickly stamped down the hunger so he could focus.

He had to go into the city today. That was what Kenny said. Maybe whilst he was there, he could steal something from a stall. He was a good thief, he knew that. Even in a place where everyone suspected everyone else, few thought Levi was stuffing his pockets full of bread. He figured it should be as easy as taking a piss to lift something in a place where they had plenty of food.

With the sun climbing higher and the heat of the day creeping under the shade of the trees, Levi stamped out his fire and covered the coals with dirt before stuffing some money into his pocket and setting out along the small trail leading into town. Along the way, he thought about his job. How would he even know what information was forbidden and what wasn’t? It wasn’t as though he had been told much about the world he lived in. There was never a need to know, not when surviving to the next day was the most important thing as soon as you woke up. That assumed, of course, that you did wake up.

Still, he knew some little things, from listening to adults talk. He listed them off, counting on his fingers, as he walked. Humanity lived within the Walls. It had been that way for a really long time. Outside the Walls were Titans. There were no humans beyond the Walls; just Titans. That was just four things, which meant there were a lot of things about the world he didn’t know. Hell, he only learned about trees yesterday – how was he supposed to figure out the forbidden thing this teacher supposedly knew?

Kenny had told Levi that he could make money for this job, and he wanted that money. With money, he could buy some real food for a while, or some better clothes for when the winter came. He knew he wouldn’t be allowed to keep his Surface clothes when he had to go back. It wouldn’t matter if he could keep them, they’d likely all get stolen anyway. He might manage to keep the shoes long enough to sell those, but he’d probably have to use that money to buy new shoes, since Kenny probably threw out or burned his other ones.

As the first buildings of the city emerged into view through another grove of trees, Levi had a wild thought: what if he disappeared? What if he took the money Kenny had given him and just ran away, right here and now? He could find another city or a town or somewhere and find a way to live there. He didn’t have any papers saying he lived up here, but Levi didn’t have any papers at all; no record of his birth, of Ma. He could just say his parents died and he was living on his own, which wasn’t even a lie. Maybe someone would take him in.

The idea tried to grow inside of Levi, placing roots in the fallow soil of his mind. He didn’t owe Kenny anything, not anymore. Sure, Kenny had found him after Ma died, but he didn’t even know how he knew Ma. For all he knew, Kenny had a hand in whatever killed her. Still, Levi knew nothing about living on the Surface, and he wasn’t confident he could figure it out in time to effectively hide from Kenny.

The idea itself was attractive though, and Levi began to imagine where he would go and what animals he could learn to catch. He imagined a family finding him in the woods somewhere and taking him in and the mom singing to him the way Ma had before she got sick. He’d have a home to go back to and food to eat every day, and maybe he could be something more than a thief coated in grime.

Levi was so distracted by his fantasy that he didn’t see the boy until he bumped into him and was knocked to the ground. Instinct rushed through his veins and Levi jumped to his feet, tore his knife from his pocket and faced down the enemy, but he was surprised by what he saw. His so-called adversary was maybe a couple of years older than him and somewhat taller. Neatly combed hair and thick eyebrows settled onto an earnest face, but what caught Levi’s gaze most were his eyes; intensely blue, seeming to pierce into Levi as they stared each other down.

Slowly, the other boy raised his hands in surrender, a small and nervous smile tipping the edge of his lips slightly.

“Sorry, that was my fault,” the boy said. “I admit, I wasn’t looking where I was going.”

Levi glanced quickly at the ground; a few books and some papers were scattered on the stone walkway at his feet. He slowly stood straight, flipping the knife closed and stuffing it back into his pocket. The boys stared at each other for a long, quiet moment before Levi scoffed and tore his gaze away.

“Well, watch where you're going, Eyebrows,” Levi muttered as he spun away from the boy and walked away as fast as his legs could carry him.

At his camp later that night, Levi recalled that boy, seeing his eyes dancing in the flame of his campfire. He ate a small dinner of two steamed potatoes he bought and a piece of bread that he stole. He was right; stealing food up here was easy. Maybe he could try some of the fruit he saw at the market stalls after all.

Still, there was something about that boy that bothered Levi. Maybe it was the intensity of his stare, or just the colour of his eyes. Levi had never seen eyes so blue before. His own, he knew, were grey with some blue, making them similar to the colour of silver coins, but darker. His eyes were Ma’s eyes; she’d always said she was glad he looked so much like her. Silver eyes like theirs, she used to say, meant that The Moon shined for them. Sometimes, she would take him to a secret spot where they could see the sky through a big hole in the earth, and she would tell him about the stars and how they formed shapes to tell stories with.

That boy’s eyes, though, made him think of the cloudless sky and of the sun. He couldn’t really explain why, but those eyes made him think of just one word: freedom.

***

“I’m the new kid in Mr. Smith’s class,” Levi said to the man at the door of the school. He held his pack at his shoulder, stuffed with his money, the paper, quill, and ink, and the bread and apple he’d stolen on the walk over.

“Ah yes, of course,” said the man, scratching at his beard.

The man led Levi down a hallway and rapped on the glass of a door with his knuckles. After a short nod, the man opened the door and ushered Levi in and then shut it again behind him.

Levi quickly surveyed the room, noting the position of the windows, the location of the empty desk he figured would be his, the students and – there he was again, that boy from yesterday. Those thick eyebrows raised slightly and the blue eyes widened, capturing Levi within them again. Slowly, discreetly, the boy quirked one side of his mouth up and raised his hand very slightly in greeting.

Levi felt his face fill with heat as he walked to the center of the room where the teacher was gesturing to him.

“Welcome to the class,” the teacher said. “I’m Mr. Smith, and I’m sure I speak for all of us when I say we’re happy to have you with us.”

Silence sat heavily in the room as the students shifted in their seats. The blue-eyed boy stared straight into Levi’s face, never breaking eye contact.

“Why don’t you tell us your name?” Mr. Smith encouraged.

Levi crossed his arms and frowned.

“It’s Levi.”

Mr. Smith waited a beat before leaning down with a small smile.

“And your last name?”

Levi felt a pang of embarrassment. Was he supposed to have another name? Ma had never told him that he had one. Kenny never said he had one of his own, he was “Just Kenny.” He realized suddenly that Smith was the teacher’s last name, and he had another one in front of that. He knew it wasn’t ‘Mister;’ he understood that to be a title. He frowned, trying to think something up, but couldn’t force anything to the front of his mind.

“It’s just Levi,” he said, as firmly as he could. Saying it reminded him of the day Kenny found him, of how hungry he’d been that day and of the last look he’d ever gotten of Ma. He forced the thoughts back down into his stomach.

“Well, Levi, it’s very nice to meet you,” Mr. Smith said. “There’s an empty desk over by the window. You can go ahead and sit there. I’ll help you get your books together at the end of the day.”

Levi sat at the spot he was told and forced himself not to look in the direction of the boy from yesterday, who stared at him for a long moment before turning his attention back to the class. Throughout the day, Levi learned what school was like: the teacher went over information and then asked questions and students answered them. They were preparing for some kind of test at the end of the year. Thankfully for Levi, he would not be there long enough for that test.

In the middle of the day, the class adjourned for lunch, and everyone went outside into the warm sun. Levi found a spot under a tree that was suitably away from the other students so that he could think. He took the apple and bread from his pack and started to eat.

“Can I sit with you?”

Startled, Levi looked up and found the blue-eyed boy standing over him with his pack and a book in his arms. His face was blank, betraying nothing of his motives. Levi nodded, but didn’t move. The boy sat down and plopped his pack on the ground, pulling out a sandwich. Levi tried not to stare at it as he picked at his bread.

“I’m Erwin, by the way,” the boy said, holding out a hand. Levi stared at it, not sure what to do, until Erwin dropped it with a small laugh. “You’re not from around here, huh?”

“We just don’t do…whatever that is where I was before,” Levi said, hoping his voice didn’t betray the sudden panic he was feeling. What if this kid figured out what he was doing here, or that he didn’t belong on the Surface? What would happen to him? Could he even figure all that out with just that one sentence?

“You don’t shake hands?” Erwin asked. “What do you do, then?”

Levi thought about the adults in the Underground, and couldn’t think of anything they did that seemed similar to what Erwin had tried to do. He shrugged.

“Well here, I’ll show you,” Erwin said. “Hold out your hand like this.”

Erwin put his hand back out and Levi stuck his out. Then Erwin grabbed it and moved it up and down a few times before letting go.

“It’s called a handshake. It’s a greeting.”

Levi looked at his hand and felt warmth racing from his fingertips to his brain. How long had it been since he’d had any physical contact with a person that wasn’t during a fight or a smack or kick from Kenny? He tried to shake the feeling from his nerves by focusing back on his piece of bread.

“Is that all you have for lunch?” Erwin asked after a small silence.

Levi shrugged, biting into his bread to avoid answering.

“Here, you can have half of my sandwich, if you want it.”

Erwin held out the half towards Levi. It seemed to contain some kind of meat and vegetables, green and red. Slowly, he reached out and accepted the piece and gingerly bit into it. He was hit with the flavour of the meat, strong and fresh, and the crunch of the vegetables surprised him. Realizing how hungry he was after that first bite, he stuffed the rest into his mouth as quickly as he could. Even with just that half, he felt more full than he had ever felt in his life. He looked forward, eyes unfocused, realizing suddenly how little he’d eaten over the years. Did people up here really eat so much every day?

“Can I ask why you only have an apple and some bread for lunch when you’re clearly very hungry?” Erwin asked, interrupting Levi’s thoughts.

What could Levi say? He couldn’t tell him that there were whole days he didn’t have anything to eat. That sometimes he couldn’t find, steal, or buy any food for two or three days at a time, and he would drink as much water as he could, tainted though it was, to stop the hunger pangs from keeping him awake at night. Clearly, Erwin didn’t have any experience of knowledge of something like this: surely he had never gone hungry like Levi had.

“It’s just what I have,” Levi grumbled, trying to use pure willpower to prevent his face from heating up and turning red.

Erwin considered him silently for a long moment before biting into his portion of the sandwich. The boys ate quietly for a long time, before Erwin spoke again.

“You don’t have a lot of food at home. You’re probably hungry a lot, huh?”

Levi almost choked on the piece of apple in his mouth at the assertion. He glared at the boy next to him.

“What the hell would you know?”

“You’re small for being my age and really skinny, too,” Erwin said plainly. “And if that was from you just being small, you’d be eating a normal-sized meal. You wouldn’t have eaten that bit of sandwich like it was the best meal you’ve had in years.”

Levi stared at him, mouth hanging open. He knew his face really was red now, and every nerve in his body was telling him to get up and run. This kid was too smart if he could figure out this much about him just from offering a portion of his lunch. What else did he already know about Levi?

“Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell anyone,” Erwin said. “But I can bring you lunch from now on, if you want.”

Levi thought about that. It could be an opportunity to save what little money Kenny gave him, so he maybe could bring it back with him. And if he didn’t have to steal food every single day, he lowered his risk of getting caught.

“Yeah, sure,” Levi mumbled.

Erwin didn’t respond except to smile at him warmly.

***

When class let out at the end of the day, Erwin bid Levi goodbye as he walked out, and Mr. Smith set out some books and papers on his desk.

“It’s nice to see Erwin making friends,” Mr. Smith commented with a smile.

Levi gave him a questioning look but said nothing.

“He’s always reading and sometimes he gets teased for it,” Mr. Smith elaborated. “Always looking for more knowledge and not so much for companionship, so it’s good that he’s reaching out and making an effort to be friends.”

“Oh,” Levi said. He wouldn’t have guessed someone as apparently open and talkative as Erwin to be closed off and teased by his peers.

“Well, no need to dwell on it,” Mr. Smith said. “Here are your books. I’ve added some of the exercises we were going over today; I’d like to gauge your current knowledge and education level so that I can help you catch up if it’s needed.”

When he was dismissed, Levi walked out into the sunlight and into the market area, thinking about what he could find for his dinner. He’d never eaten so much food in one day, and he felt a little sick from just how full he was, but he figured that if he was going to have access to so much food, he might as well take advantage of it whilst he could.

He bought a roasted potato and ate it on a bench that looked over a park where children were playing. As he watched, he realized just how different children were up on the Surface. He was certainly still a child, but he had never played like they were down there. They laughed and jumped and rolled on the grass, supervised by adults that he assumed were their parents. He couldn’t even recall interacting with other children Underground. He’d heard them crying sometimes, or seen them being held by an adult as they walked through the muddied roads. But children Underground did not play; survival was always the most important, especially in winter, when so many small bodies end up piled onto each other in mass graves.

A part of him envied the children he watched on the grass, but he also knew that those kids wouldn’t be able to defend themselves in a fight. And yet, they probably would never need to. They would never need to learn to steal food or worry about finding a safe place to sleep. They wouldn’t ever have to wonder if they would survive the unrelenting cold of winter. His life was abnormal, he realized. Life up here was what Humanity expected, and now that he’d been given a taste of it, he was determined that this would somehow become his life forever, no matter what he had to do to get it.

***

It didn’t take long for Erwin to figure out that Levi couldn’t read or write. One day during lunch, the boys sat together under the tree they’d long since claimed for their own and Erwin showed him one of the books he was reading; a history of Humanity within the Walls. Levi was frowning at the symbols that were apparently letters, when Erwin asked the question he’d been dreading.

“You can’t read, can you?”

Levi turned his face away from the book and took another bite from the sandwich Erwin had brought for him.

“Do you want me to teach you?” Erwin asked gently.

Levi thought about it for a moment. He wondered what use it would be to him to learn if he was going to be sent back to the Underground after this was all done. Still, he wanted to live up here some day, and he’d probably need to know how to read and write if he was going to do that. What’s more, he knew a lot of people Underground couldn’t read; so maybe he’d have an advantage if he could. So he nodded his consent, trying to hide his flushed cheeks.

Thankfully for him, Levi was a quick learner with nothing but time on his hands when he wasn’t at school. By the next week, he was able to write his name and recognize all the letters in the alphabet. Reading was harder, since he found out that some letters made multiple sounds, but he was able to figure that out too, so that he could almost read as well as Erwin within another week.

One afternoon after class, Erwin stayed behind and went with Levi to a park, where they shared a sweet roll and watched ducks floating along the surface of a lake. There was so much Levi had learned in the last three weeks. What names the animals in the area had, the different kinds of trees and flowers, which edible berries and herbs grew wild in the fields and forest. He had Erwin to thank for all of that, despite how cold he had been to the blue-eyed boy for a long time.

Levi, though accepting of the food and the help to learn, had been wary of Erwin and his motives. Several times, he’d pushed Erwin away, perhaps a little too hard, and told him to fuck off if their shoulders touched or if Erwin said something that pried a little too much into Levi’s life.

One time, Erwin had asked after his family, and Levi told him he didn’t want to talk about it. Erwin, cunning and deductive as usual, tried to figure out why, and Levi had gotten so angry that he’d punched Erwin in the mouth, sending him to the ground.

“Just let it go!” Levi had shouted, loud enough to get the attention of the other students in the yard. “You don’t have to know everything about me! In fact, I don’t want you to know anything about me!”

As Levi turned to storm away, Erwin had called to him.

“I’m sorry.” Levi heard the shuffle of his body as he stood up again. “I didn’t mean to upset you. I was just trying to get to know you better, to be a better friend.”

“I don’t have friends,” Levi spat, and walked inside.

Despite the incident, Erwin continued to sit with Levi at lunch, bringing him an extra sandwich and fruit, and Levi let him. They didn’t talk for three days, sitting in silence as they ate. Finally, Levi mustered up the courage to say something.

“I’m sorry I hit you,” he said into the air, staring straight ahead.

“It’s okay.” Erwin rubbed his jaw, where a bruise still shone. “I kind of deserved it.”

Now, as they sat and watched the ducks and ate the sweet roll, Levi wondered if this was what it was like to have friends. He hoped so, because he liked the feeling. He would never say it out loud, but he enjoyed Erwin’s company. When Kenny had found out that Levi was spending time with him, he congratulated him on, ‘getting to the son.’

Levi hadn’t known that Erwin was Mr. Smith’s son. Sure, they’d sort of looked similar to him, and they both had blonde hair, but they didn’t treat each other like family, at least based on how he saw other families interacting up here. The knowledge caught him off guard, but Kenny told him it was a good thing, since the son was likely to be less cautious with information than the father.

“Keep at it,” Kenny had said. “See if you can get him to talk.”

“Hey, Smith,” someone behind them said, interrupting Levi’s thoughts.

Levi turned and saw several kids, slightly older and from another class, standing behind them. His instincts flared up immediately, and he felt himself tensing even before the biggest of them stepped forward.

“I see you’re still carrying your street rat with you everywhere you go. Teaching him to read and write so he can pretend to be one of us?” the leader said, nodding at Levi. “You just love those stupid books of yours, don’t you?”

Erwin said nothing, choosing instead to stare at the older boy and clenching his fists.

“Nothing to say, Smith? Or maybe you’re just not capable of talking to people, only to your books and that rat, huh?”

“Back the hell off,” Levi said, rising his feet. The older kids were a good deal taller than him, and he hated that he had to look up to look them in the eyes.

“Defending your master, rat? I can’t tell if you’re brave or just as stupid as you look.”

“Levi–” Erwin whispered, placing a hand on his arm.

Levi turned to respond, and that was all it took. The leader of the group punched him in the face so hard he spun on his way to the ground, his vision flashing white. One of the other kids grabbed Erwin’s arms and yanked him from the bench, slamming his knee into the boy’s stomach. Erwin collapsed, coughing, and then the group was on him, kicking anywhere they could reach. One of the smaller kids grabbed a book from the bench and slammed it onto Erwin’s head as quickly as they could swing.

As soon as Levi’s vision recovered from the punch he was on his feet, and he jumped to grab the shirt collar of one of the kids and pull him backwards onto the ground. Once he had better access to the kid’s face, he kicked it until the boy put his hands up and scrambled away, crying.

Levi didn’t waste any time; he jumped into the group beating on Erwin and punched and kicked and headbutted his way through. The mob didn’t let up until they spotted the knife he’d whipped out and moved to give him a wide berth.

“Fucking back off!” Levi shouted. “I’ll fucking kill you if you come any closer!”

The leader took a step forward, smirking, and brought his fists back up in front of him.

“I highly doubt that, Runt.”

Levi wasn’t sure what happened next, but when he regained control of himself, he was sitting on the kid’s chest, knife to his throat, growling into his face.

“You doubt that, you say? You wanna try me?”

The kid, for his part, was a lot worse for wear. It was clear that his nose was broken and he would have a black eye in a few hours. His hands were up in surrender, tears pricking at the corner of his eyes.

Levi jumped off of him and watched as he and the rest of the group ran off. Something wet dripped onto his shirt, and the taste of iron made him realize his mouth was bleeding. He touched it and found that his bottom lip was split open in three places. He turned to Erwin, who was still curled on the ground, clutching at his abdomen. Levi held out a hand to help him up.

“Are you okay?” Levi asked as he hauled Erwin onto his feet.

“Yeah, I think so.” Erwin brushed dirt from his clothes and hair and straightened his clothes. When he looked at Levi again, his face collapsed into a frown. “Are you okay? You’re bleeding.”

“I’m fine,” Levi snapped, before taking a deep breath and speaking again. “I’m okay. Just a split lip and a few bruises.”

The boys picked up Erwin’s books, one of which had been destroyed during the fight, and Levi walked with Erwin to his house. He told himself that he did it just to make sure that those kids didn’t jump Erwin on the way home.

It was the first time Levi had seen Erwin’s house; a modest two-story home that was bigger than any place Levi had ever seen someone live in.

“Do you want to come inside and clean up before you go home?” Erwin said, his hand on the door. “My father can give you something for your lip, and we can give you something to eat for dinner.”

Levi stared at Erwin for a long moment, wanting nothing more to accept the offer, but he was worried he wouldn’t know how to act or worse, that he wouldn’t want to leave. So he shook his head and clenched his fists.

“No, I can’t,” he said, pushing his gaze to the ground. “I have to go home.”

“Okay,” Erwin said quietly. Levi tried not to think about the look he might have on his face. “Hey, Levi?”

Levi looked up, about to respond when he found Erwin’s face right next to his, and his lips on his cheek. Time froze for a long moment as all of the heat in Levi’s body rose to his face, painting his skin bright pink up to his ears. He fell backwards onto his butt, a hand on his cheek where Erwin’s lips had been. He looked at Erwin and found that the boy’s face was flushed as well, a hand held out to help Levi back up.

“Sorry,” he said. “I just… well…”

Before either boy could say anything else, Levi jumped to his feet and ran as fast as his legs could carry him. He looked behind to make sure Erwin wasn’t following him, and he ran straight to his camp and stuffed himself into his tent and into his bed. He realized that he was shaking, and his breath wouldn’t come back to him.

Levi had never been kissed before. Not since after Ma got sick, and certainly not by a boy. The warmth of Erwin’s lips still burned his skin, seeming to brand him with the simple touch. He tried to rub the feeling away, to press his cheek into his pillow to mute it, but it stayed with him. Every time Levi tried to think of something, anything else to distract himself and fall asleep, he was brought back to those blue eyes, the soft feel of his lips, the smell of his skin.

Kenny came by late that night and dragged him out of the tent to get a report. Seeing Levi’s lip and the bruises on his arms, he raised a brow and took his hat off to set aside and get a better look at him.

“What the hell happened to you?” Kenny asked, grabbing Levi’s chin and turning his head.

“Got into a fight,” Levi mumbled, not wanting to look Kenny in the eyes. He could still feel the phantom sensation of Erwin’s lips on his cheek. Maybe he really was branded; would Kenny be able to see it?

“That right? You better have won it,” Kenny said, letting Levi’s chin go.

“I did.”

“Good.” Kenny sat on a log he had dragged over for a bench weeks ago. “What was it about?”

“Nothing.” Levi sat on the ground, drawing his knees to his chest.

Kenny regarded him for a long moment but shrugged and let it drop. Before he left, he gave Levi a little extra money, telling him to get his lip looked at.

Levi stored the money in the secret pocket he’d made in his pack, to bring back home when this was all over.

***

Levi couldn’t bring himself to go back to school the next day, or the one after that. All he could think about was Erwin and the kiss and it clouded his mind and made him clumsy. He burned himself on his campfire and nearly got caught stealing smoked meat. What if Erwin didn’t want to see him anymore, since he ran? The kiss was a good thing, a sign of affection. He knew that, and realized his escape meant that he had rejected it, right? Why would Erwin want to see him after that?

Several more days passed, full of rain and chill. Levi spent most of them in the tent, hoping the wind wouldn’t blow away the cloth or make a tree collapse on him. Somewhere in the forest, a tree did fall, the sound thundering and terrible, and the thought of being crushed kept him from sleep. He wondered if he was crushed by a tree, would Erwin be sad?

On the morning of the sixth day since the fight, Levi was placing his clothes on a line of rope, hoping the day would be hot enough to dry them out quickly. A small fire was nearby, and smoke curled lazily into the trees. A metal cup with water and herbs sat on a rock by the fire, steeping a forest tea he had invented.

“Levi!”

Levi turned and found Erwin, his hair messy from running, face flushed, and breathing hard.

“Erwin? What are you–?”

Before he could finish, Erwin rushed him, throwing his arms around Levi in a tight embrace. As much as he wanted to resist, he found himself lost in the warmth of Erwin’s body pressed against his.

“I’m so glad I found you, Levi! I was so worried! I thought something might have happened to you!”

Erwin held on tightly for a long moment whilst his breathing slowed, giving Levi enough time to bring his arms up and return the embrace. He didn’t think he’d hugged anyone since Ma. The thought stung in the back of his head.

“You were worried about me?” Levi asked at last. He pulled himself away to look at Erwin's flushed face and then guided him to Kenny’s log bench.

“Yeah, I thought you were mad at me for… you know. Or that you got sick or were really hurt in that fight or something.”

Levi wrapped his hand in a piece of cloth and pulled the cup away from the fire and set it on another stone to cool. Gingerly, he pulled out the sprigs of herbs and tossed them into the fire.

“I’m not mad at you,” Levi said simply. He sat down on the log next to Erwin with a heavy sigh.

“So…did something happen at home? It looks like you ran away,” Erwin commented, looking around the camp.

Levi tensed and sent his gaze straight to the ground. His mouth opened and closed a few times as he tried to come up with a good lie. He knew the one Kenny told him to tell people wouldn’t work here. Not with Erwin.

“No,” Erwin said slowly. Levi knew he was figuring it out. “You live here. You’ve…always lived here.”

Levi nodded, his head feeling like a stone that he struggled to lift with each motion.

“That’s why you didn’t want me asking about your family, isn’t it? You…don’t have a family anymore. You’re an orphan. And you’re homeless, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Levi muttered. He felt like he wanted to shrink into himself, or fall through the ground, or just disappear like the smoke on the breeze. Anything to not have to face the sad blue eyes he knew were staring at him.

It wasn’t even the fact that Erwin found out that he was living in a tent that hurt. If anything, living in this little camp was a luxury compared to what he was used to. He had a roof over his head every night, and a place to sleep that wasn’t in the mud or sewage or somewhere he might get attacked. No, what hurt was that word, homeless, because he really was, in every possible way. Erwin had no idea how right he was.

“Can I ask why you didn’t tell me?” Erwin whispered. He placed a hand on Levi’s shoulder, keeping it firmly in place even after Levi shrank away from the touch.

“Those kids were right,” Levi said after a long pause. “When they called me a street rat. I’ve never had a home, as long as I can remember. I didn’t want you to think that you were wasting your time on trash, I guess.”

And because it could make the job harder to do, Levi thought. He had to remember that he was here for a job. He wasn’t supposed to be making friends and telling secrets and playing. He wasn’t like the kids that grew up here without a care in the world. And yet, something about Erwin made it easier to feel like a normal kid, despite being anything but.

“You could never make me think I was wasting my time,” Erwin said.

Levi grunted and reached over for the metal cup, cooled enough now, and handed it to Erwin.

“Here, you can have it. It’s a tea I made.”

Erwin accepted the cup and sipped from it.

“This is pretty good, Levi.”

“It’s just some herbs and stuff. Nothing special, but better than drinking just plain water.”

Erwin bumped Levi’s hand with the cup, smiling gently with those sky-blue eyes when Levi looked up at him.

“Let’s share it, okay?”

They shared the tea in silence, passing the cup after each sip. By the time it was gone, the morning had warmed, and Levi felt the last chill from the rains come off of his skin.

“Hey, since you missed school, I didn’t get to tell you.” Erwin placed the empty cup down on the ground. “My dad was telling me about how some of the information in our history books doesn’t add up. According to him, we should have some oral histories of what happened before Humanity was forced behind the Walls, and the fact that we don’t is strange. He thinks that someone in the government might have a way of altering our memories so that those stories don’t exist anymore.”

Levi felt like all the hair on his body stood up. This was the information he needed! This was what Kenny was after. A part of him was excited; he’d done the job he was supposed to do and he could get paid for it. The other part sank; this meant he was going to be sent back to the Underground again. Away from the sunshine, away from real food. Away from Erwin.

“How would someone be able to alter our memories?” Levi asked, trying to control the tremble he thought he heard in his voice. “How could they have that kind of power when we don’t even know why the Titans showed up in the first place?”

“I don’t know,” Erwin admitted. “But if it’s true, that means that we’ve been lied to! It means that Humanity might exist elsewhere beyond the Walls, and we’ll never know!”

“Maybe it’s to keep people safe?” Levi said. He thought about what Kenny told him the whole reason for the job was, to keep the illegal information away from the people. “Maybe something bad will happen if everyone knows about it.”

“Levi, you can’t believe that!” Erwin stood up and threw his arms out. “The people beyond the Walls could have more technology than us. They could have figured out how to destroy all the Titans and are living in peace whilst we continue to suffer. Nothing good could ever come from keeping knowledge from people.”

“Yeah, I guess so.” Levi shrugged.

Erwin sat back down and leaned on Levi’s shoulder.

“Anyway,” he said. “I was so excited to tell you but you didn’t show up at school and then I got more and more scared and… Hey Levi?”

“Hm?”

“Do you wanna come live with me? I’m sure my father wouldn’t mind. And I’d definitely feel better if I knew you weren’t homeless. I mean, what are you going to do when winter comes?”

Levi tensed again. He wanted so badly to take the offer, but he knew he couldn’t. He had a job to finish.

“Thanks, but I can’t,” he said, balling his hands into the fabric of his pants. “Maybe later.”

Levi assured him he would go back to school when the weekend was over and told him to get home before his father started to worry. When Erwin was completely out of view, Levi ran to the edge of the forest by the river, tied the ribbon as high as he could reach, and went back to camp to wait for Kenny.

***

“Well done, Runt,” Kenny said as the carriage rattled through town. Levi was back in his old clothes and shoes. The money he had saved was stuffed into his shoe, pressing uncomfortably against his foot. He’d managed to convince Kenny to let him keep the loafers to sell, but all the Surface clothes had gone to the fire.

“I was gettin’ worried for a while there that you were getting close to that Erwin boy to focus on the job.”

Levi didn’t say anything; he watched as Kenny counted out his cut from the stack of notes in his hand. Finally, when he was handed the notes, he counted it for himself and realized he could buy a room with this much money. He might even be able to buy something warm for the winter. He stuffed the stack into his pocket.

“What will happen to Mr. Smith?”

“Don’t you worry about that,” Kenny said. “That part is for us adults.”

Just before Kenny led him back into the Underground, Levi had a thought.

“Kenny? Do you think this money can get me citizenship on the Surface?”

Kenny barked a laugh, holding onto his hat to keep it from falling off.

“You gotta be kidding me! That’s not enough to get you up here for the amount of time I had you working for me! You need at least three times that much to get full citizenship, kid.”

Levi looked down the stairs into the darkness and frowned. After three and a half months up on the Surface, he desperately didn’t want to go back down there. He should have run away when he had the chance.

“Look, kid,” Kenny said, suddenly somber. “You’ve got skills. I’m sure you’ll find a way to make it up here, huh?”

“Yeah, whatever,” Levi said. He started the long descent back into the darkness.

“I’ll see you soon, Runt,” Kenny called after him. “I’m not done with you yet!”

Levi learned a few weeks later, when Kenny had come back down to see him, what had happened to Erwin’s father. Levi had attacked Kenny for it, his own guilt turning to rage. He still wasn’t a match for the man though, and he couldn’t move for three days after the beating he’d gotten for his ‘ungrateful attitude.’

Within another few months, Kenny left him for good.

***

“My name is Erwin Smith. What’s yours?”

Levi thought he had known that name once, some twenty or so years ago. It felt so familiar in his mind, but so distant, like something locked away in a box that he had lost the key to.

“Levi.”

He watched the deep blue eyes staring at him shift slightly, unnoticeable to most, but so visible to Levi that the man might as well have put up a sign. Did he know this man? He clearly was not from the Underground; his language was clean and precise, like someone from the Surface. He carried himself like a man who had never had to worry about being attacked from an alley as he walked past. Levi was certain, this Erwin Smith wasn’t from the Underground.

Levi tried to remember anything from the short time he’d lived on the Surface as a child, but it was all a blur, a faded scar slowly sinking back into the skin.

Still, it bothered him, the look in Erwin Smith’s eyes.

He caught that subtle shift again when he, Izzy, and Furlan were standing on the stage in the Survey Corps headquarters, being ordered to introduce themselves. He’d crossed his arms and looked down at the man who’d dragged him out of the sewage and into the sun.

“Name’s Levi.”

It stuck in his mind, that subtle flicker, the hard stares. By the time Isabel and Furlan were dead and Erwin had been made Commander, he still hadn't figured it out. He'd already pledged his life and strength to the man, though he couldn't explain the nature of why that loyalty seemed to pour from his veins to lie at Erwin’s feet to use as he chose.

One morning, nearly a year after he'd joined the Survey Corps, Levi sat under a tree at HQ, sipping tea. He stared out into the morning mist, trying to pick at the dream that woke him from his scant sleep. There was something about a fight, and for some reason, Erwin's eyes kept showing up in the corner of his mind’s eye.

"Can I sit with you?"

Levi looked up to see Erwin standing next to him with a small smile on his face. At the view, he felt like he’d been smacked square in the mouth. His eyes widened and his teacup fell from his hand.

"You…you're–"

Erwin sat down, his smile widening into a grin, his shoulder bumping into Levi's.

"I've been waiting for you to remember," he said.

A flood of memories came back to Levi; the sandwiches under a tree in the school yard, learning to read and write under Erwin’s careful tutelage, the fight in a park. And then Levi remembered why he’d been there in the first place, and what he’d done. He grit his teeth and looked away from Erwin.

“Bastard. You knew right away, didn’t you?” Levi muttered, trying to push away a sudden sense of embarrassment. “Right there in that street whilst Mike had my face in the filth.”

Erwin chuckled and shrugged slightly.

“Not quite. Your movements in that fight definitely gave me hints. The way you told me your name did too.” Erwin looked forward, sparing Levi that penetrating gaze. “But it was the way you had introduced yourself in front of the Corps that really did it. ‘Name’s Levi,’ crossing your arms with that frown, just like that first day you came to school.”

“Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t know if you remembered,” Erwin said, suddenly a little more quiet. The change in tone made Levi look back up at him, and he was startled to see a somber look on his face. “I didn’t know if you…wanted to remember.”

Levi didn’t know how to respond. He drew his leg up to his chest and rested his head on it. They sat in silence for a long time, each man lost in thought. Finally, Erwin stood up and offered a hand to Levi.

“Let’s go to my office, so we can talk.”

Levi wanted to refuse. He didn’t want to talk about that time, about what he did. But he couldn’t refuse Erwin, so he took his hand and stood, then walked behind him to the Commander’s office. He wasn’t surprised when Erwin didn’t just close the door behind him, but locked it, too.

Levi was tense, but he didn’t move from where he stood by the window overlooking the training grounds. It was still early enough that no one was out there yet, but Levi wouldn’t have heard the hiss of gas over the thundering of his heartbeat anyway.

He sensed Erwin move to stand several feet behind him. It was far enough away to give Levi space but close enough to stop an escape. That was fine, as far as he was concerned. He had no intention of escaping this. The bill had come due, it seemed.

“Levi.”

So simple, his name on Erwin’s lips. Back then, it had felt warm and welcoming, giving Levi a sense of something he had never had. Now, it sent shivers up his spine, for reasons he couldn’t understand. He sighed and turned to face Erwin. As it so often was, his face was blank, giving nothing away, but he felt stripped bare and vulnerable in ways he had never felt before.

“Do you remember that last day, in the forest?” Erwin asked.

He did. The surprise and fear he’d felt when Erwin had found his camp. He could almost taste the cup of tea they had shared together. The information Erwin gave him, that led to the guilt weighing him down now. He felt like that guilt would pin him to the earth even if he was strapped into his ODM and burning his gas as quickly as he could.

“Yes.”

“You left after that day…why?”

Was that hurt Levi detected in Erwin’s voice? He didn’t know if he’d ever heard that kind of tone in Erwin’s voice before. He frowned, trying to decide what to say that made the most sense. How much did Erwin know about his involvement in his father’s death? How much was he willing to admit to?

“I…didn’t have a choice.” It was a true statement, but it still felt like he was lying.

Erwin paused, and the silence weighed so heavily in the room that Levi felt like he was being crushed.

“My father died very shortly after you left,” Erwin said, moving to stand at the same window, opposite Levi.

“I’m very sorry to hear that,” Levi muttered. “He was very nice to me, and a good teacher.”

“I think that I played a hand in his death,” Erwin replied. “The information I told you that day, about Humanity being lied to by the government, my father's theories…I’ve never told anyone this, but I think someone in the government got hold of that information, and it led to his death.”

Levi couldn’t respond, and it disgusted him. He had always been so good at holding his face steady, of not giving away what he was thinking or how he was feeling, but he knew the look on his face was starting to shift, and he couldn’t stop it. If he opened his mouth, he would give it all away.

“I’ll ask again. Levi, why did you leave after that day?”

Levi looked back up at Erwin, expecting anger or an accusation, but he just saw sadness and hurt. He knew. Maybe he’d always known, but he wanted to hear it from the lips of the one responsible. Levi grit his teeth, forcing himself to hold Erwin’s gaze.

“It was me,” Levi said, and the flicker in Erwin’s eyes made him want to tear his gaze back away and out the window. “I was born in the Underground, and just like you guessed all those years ago, I never really had parents. I never knew my father and my mother died when I was very young.

“I was raised by a man that brought me up here for a job to find out if your father was in possession of information that would threaten the King's government. I told that man what you told me, and then he brought me back to the Underground. At the time, I didn’t know that they were going to kill your father, I swear. I didn’t even find out until weeks later. That’s the truth.”

Silence filled the room again, seeping into all of the corners and sticking like honey. Erwin was staring at him with widened eyes and his mouth open slightly.

“I’m sorry, Erwin. I didn’t want to leave. I thought about running away, hiding somewhere where that man wouldn’t find me. I wanted to stay in the sun…to stay with you. But he made me go back the very night I told him. And I had to tell him. I…I needed the money.

“You don’t know what life is like down there. Before that job, I slept on the street. I was constantly covered in filth and I had to steal everything I ate. I barely survived the winter; we don’t have coats or fireplaces or even insulated housing there unless you had the kind of money for it. And no one was going to give a job to a brat like me back then. Orphans down there usually die within the first three months if they don’t wise up. I was lucky that man taught me how to survive.

“That job…” Levi gulped down a lump in his throat, remembering how proud he’d been at the time he laid the money on the table. “I was able to buy a room with the money I made. It was tiny, less than half the size of this office, but it had a stove I could burn coal in during the winter, and it gave me a place to sleep out of the filth. I was able to buy a bed with the money I got from selling those leather shoes I had worn up here, although it was barely more than a worn out sack stuffed with some straw. But it was the first real bed I ever had since my mother died, and it meant I didn’t have to sleep with the rats.”

Still, silence. Erwin was still staring at him, his expression completely unreadable. He couldn’t bear that gaze on top of the guilt he already carried. Levi knelt on the floor, keeping his eyes on Erwin’s the whole time.

“I’m so sorry, Erwin. It’s my fault your father is dead. More than that, I benefited from his death. It wasn’t my intention to get him killed, but even if I had known what would happen, I still would have done it. I needed to survive, and back then I had to do anything it took to see the next day. But that doesn’t excuse the pain I’ve caused you.”

Levi lowered his head and turned his gaze to the floor. Without fully understanding why he did it, he pulled his knife from within the lining of his pants and held it up to Erwin.

“Erwin, I won't tell you that I regret what I did, because it gave me the chance to survive, but I wish more than anything that it hadn't been your father. I know I can never make up for what I did to you. But I've pledged myself to you, and I can offer you my life; so you can kill me, if you want. It won’t bring your father back, and it won’t make up for what I did, but maybe it can make you feel a little better about his loss.”

Levi felt the knife leave his hand and let his arm fall back down. He watched as Erwin’s knees touched the floor in front of him.

“Levi. Look at me.”

Levi remembered what Kenny used to tell him about why he preferred using a knife instead of a gun. Ain’t no point in killing a man if you can’t see the life leaving his eyes. Maybe Erwin felt the same way. So be it. He raised his head and looked into the face of the man he offered his life to.

Erwin’s face was so close to his he could count his eyelashes. Still, he couldn't discern the look in his eyes, and he ached to know, just one more time, what Erwin felt.

Erwin raised the knife so that it was in his view and diverted his eyes to look at it. Levi allowed his gaze to follow.

“You offered me your own blade to kill you with,” Erwin mused gravely, turning the blade in his hand. “One could hardly imagine a more personal death.”

Levi remained silent. He had no right to speak anymore. He had said enough.

“I’ve always suspected that you had something to do with my father’s death,” Erwin continued quietly. “The timing was too convenient for it to be anything else. And for years, I imagined what I would say to you if I had a confession like this from you.”

Erwin grabbed Levi’s hand, held the palm up, and quickly dragged the blade across it. Levi winced, but could only look at Erwin in confusion as the blade was placed firmly back into his bleeding hand.

“Let the part of you that helped to kill my father, and the guilt you carry with it, die with the blood drawn from this cut. You’re not that person anymore,” Erwin said, catching Levi’s gaze again. “Once upon a time, I might have thought that killing you would have helped. But I don’t want to trade life for a life, and certainly not yours.”

“What do you–”

Before Levi could finish, he found Erwin had cupped his cheeks with his hands and pressed soft lips to his own. The memory of that first kiss, more than twenty years ago now, came flooding back. That old fire that he had felt on his cheek now flared on his lips, shocking him still, preventing him from doing anything more than returning the kiss. When Erwin bit at his lower lip, he opened his mouth and let Erwin explore him with his tongue. Levi moved his free hand to Erwin’s nape to gain more leverage before pulling away to gasp for air.

“Erwin–”

“Levi, when you left, I was so scared that it was my fault,” Erwin interrupted, peppering kisses on his cheeks and forehead. “I worried I wouldn’t get to see you again. And when I heard about someone who looked like the boy I met all those years ago who was a natural on ODM, I hoped desperately that it was you. And then it was and when I realized who you were, I knew that what I felt all those years ago was real.”

Erwin kissed him again, slowly, gently, like he was afraid Levi would pull away. In truth, Levi was terrified. The warmth filling him up from his chest all the way to head was foreign and invasive, and he didn’t know how to identify it.

“And what was it? That thing you knew back then?” Levi asked when they’d parted again.

Erwin fixed him with a smile so soft that Levi thought his heart would burst right then and there.

“That I love you, Levi. And I have always loved you.”

Levi felt like his heart stopped, hearing those words. Love. Was that the word for the thing flaring up inside of him, filling him from head to toe, lighting his nerves on fire and broiling in his gut? No; Erwin couldn’t love him, certainly not after what he’d done. He didn’t deserve that. He’d just admitted to causing the death of Erwin’s father and his response was a declaration of love? It didn’t fit with any ideas of the world Levi had built in his mind these many years of guarded thoughts and intense self-control.

“No, Erwin, you can’t–”

Still, this draw that he felt towards Erwin – and indeed, hadn’t he always felt it? – was immutable, seemed built into his blood. Would he call it love? He couldn’t pretend to know what love felt like. Sure, he could say that he’d loved Ma, but that bond with the only family he’d ever known was inevitable, and he’d been so young when she’d died that he wouldn’t have known what else to call it anyway. He’d heard songs of love, listened to others describe it, but those flowery words weren’t what he felt now. They were never what he felt around Erwin.

It felt like they were both born from the same pool, created together and molded to fit into and with one another, no matter how far apart they were. For indeed, what were the chances that they had both taken to ODM, despite their motives? How likely was it that they would find each other again, some twenty years after their parting, if they weren’t of the same soul? Being away from Erwin felt like an emptiness that nothing else could fill, and Levi knew that a part of him had searched to fill that hole within him for so very long. He realized then that he would always try to fill that space if Erwin was not within it.

“I can, and I do, Levi,” Erwin whispered into his ear as he drew him in close. The embrace was so strong and stabilizing, just like it had been that day in the forest. “I know what you’re going to say. I should hate you, I should want revenge, I should cast you away like the street rat you still think you are. But I can’t and I won’t, because I love you. I think I’ve always loved you, from that very first moment you bumped into me. And now that I have you, I don’t want to let you go.

“Even if you don’t love me in return, I hope that you’ll stay by my side as my friend. My life has felt so empty since you left, and now that you’re here again, I feel whole. Please, at least say you’ll stay by my side.”

Would Levi call this feeling love? This feeling that seemed to make up his bones and suffused his skin with warmth at the sight of those beautiful blue eyes? If there was another word for it, he didn’t care to know. He would call this love, and hold it as close to his heart as he could.

“Dumbass,” Levi chuckled, pulling Erwin away to look him in the eyes. “Of course I’ll stay. I love you too.”

#ferricfox writes #eruri #levi ackerman #erwin smith #give me eruri or give me death

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theferricfox · 1 year ago

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[[A/N: Wow, it's time for another Adventures of Arla series: my self-indulgent original short story series that no one knows about!

I don't know why, but I had an urge to write some horror-ish stuff. I'm not good at it by any means, but I did want to write it, so here you go, you lucky one person who will read this! (That person is me.)]]

Content warnings: brief implication of military-related PTSD and SI/SA; vomiting; body horror.

OF ASH AND FLAME

This wasn’t the first town that Arla had walked into that had a weird vibe to it, but the way her footsteps seemed to echo on the dirt road left her feeling on edge. Far from abandoned, the little town was positively bustling, but the people seemed more like lifeless automata than flesh and blood humans. She was reminded of the stories she heard as a kid of the wars fought when the balloons didn’t patrol the skies and there was still life in the salted waters of the oceans. In those stories, hordes of lifeless machines stood side-by-side, gunning each other down from across land stripped bare just for the purpose of the battle. In those days, the No Man’s Land between the sides wasn’t seeded with mines and blasted out fox holes like in the early days of war, but with the bodies of the unfortunate, squishy lifeforms that had the poor luck to be in the area designated for war.

Her father had shown her an old video of one such battle from some thirty or so years before she was born. It was an old digital file, corrupted by age and years of encrypting and decrypting, but she still saw those empty, hollow masks on top of humanoid figures, marching into lines and standing still, waiting for whatever counted as death for those never alive to begin with.

‘With the introduction of the Warrior Class Drone, Ma and Pa Civilian will never have to wonder if Little Johnny is coming home! Now, he fights for his Country from the comfort of Centre Command, far from the action!’

Her father had told her that Maroun Tech’s Warrior Class Drone had been adopted quickly, under the banner of saving countless soldier’s lives. What the adverts like the one he showed her didn’t talk about was how neural uplinks with the soldiers operating the Drones had made them feel hundreds of deaths over the course of a term of service. Most of them would ultimately choose a true death over the phantom pain haunting their dreams for the rest of their lives.

Here in this town, the faces of the people, so blank and unseeing, reminded her of that video. Arla thought it wasn’t that they were Empty, like the people in some of the towns in the former tropical regions that she’d heard of, but that they didn’t see the world. Not that she was skilled in that kind of analysis, but she did know that she felt a spark of life in the town somewhere, the Flame beckoning her southward like a whisper. There was some life here, real life, but she just didn't see it in the streets.

Arla checked into a hotel in the centre of town, and the person greeting her at the front desk leaned forward and inhaled deeply near her arm. The action seemed to trigger something in the clerk, because they grinned widely - shark-toothed her father would have called it - and offered her the premier suite at a discounted price. When Arla balked at the sudden generosity, the clerk waved her off, commenting that they simply didn’t get many visitors in the town and they didn’t want such a lovely room to go to waste. She had an unsettling feeling that rejecting the generosity would have unfavourable consequences, so she forced a smile and accepted the key, placing her chip on the countertop.

The room itself was indeed lovely. The bed was wide and soft, the linens fresh and luxurious. A sitting room with a coffee station overlooked what was probably once a park on the eastern part of town, and the fridge was fully stocked with water and liquor, much to her surprise. The bathroom was spacious, with fluffy, copper-coloured towels and robe, the shower walls a deep charcoal grey. For a room that was supposedly used so infrequently, it was spotlessly clean and comfortable, as though it was just tended to earlier in the morning. Perhaps it was, though it seemed strange that a hotel that saw few customers would tend to their twenty-something rooms daily with little hope of the beds being slept in on a given day.

Arla’s plans had her in this town for just under a week as long as she could get her task done quickly enough. She supposed she should be grateful for such a nice room to use in that time, but the taste in the air left her increasingly unsettled.

Still, she unpacked her bag, slipping her clothes into the bureau and pulling out a small metallic ball from her pocket. The ball shone in the light of the sun as a few lingering morning rays slipped through the east-facing windows, rocking gently on the bedsheets as the internal mechanisms started to activate. A soft whirring filled the room as the ball unfurled into something resembling an insect. Arla looked at the construct with a smile.

“Tickle my thistle,” she said to it. The little device shook as though throwing water from its body and jumped to the windowsill. Arla opened the window and let it out, watching briefly as it skittered onto the outer wall and out of sight as the camouflage mechanism activated.

Arla set the rest of her things in place and walked to the bathroom, letting down her hair and examining the soft crust of dust on her face. The ride here hadn’t been long; just three hours by bus after her stay in Jell’s spare room. Still, the dust got everywhere, even with the windows closed and filters on the fans. It had a way of creeping into all the little places, like the confluence of so many insects on a tree after a mudstorm.

She stripped down, her clothes folded and carefully placed on the sink counter-top, and turned on the shower. The spout sputtered loudly, sounding near to a Coalie’s cough, before water began to shoot from the copper-coloured shower head. Arla figured there had been air in the pipes, a sign of the room’s disuse, but when she stepped into the shower, she found a tarry black sludge on the floor near the drain. Bending down to look at the pile carefully, she found the mass to smell somewhat like smoldering embers tainted with putrid meat.

Arla fought the urge to gag as she scooped up the sludge with a towel and dumped it into the toilet, quickly flushing it away. She then scrubbed the floor of the shower with the towel, the water turned to full heat and a generous glob of soap poured on top of where it had sat, before she discarded the towel into the hamper under the sink. She washed her hands in the sink several times, wincing as the water burned her hands somewhat, before she finally stepped into the shower.

Arla didn’t want to spend too much time thinking about what that sludge was or where it came from; she was just grateful that the water coming from the showerhead was clean and didn’t smell anything like that horrific stuff. Still, she stood straddling the area where it had slapped onto the shower floor, a deep-seated feeling in the back of her mind telling her that it was in her best interest to avoid contact with the material as much as possible. She scrubbed her scalp and her skin, feeling the dust slough off her skin with a sense of relief. After, she stood under the spray of hot water for a long time, eyes closed, her nerves finally settling.

Getting out of the shower, she wrapped the robe around herself and tied down the unruly curls of her hair underneath a towel and stepped out into the main room of the suite. The afternoon sun lit the room, highlighting the deep charcoal of the walls, dark wood of the furniture, and stark white of the bedsheets. The contrast of the room design compared to other hotels Arla had stayed in before was somewhat startling, but this was an old town; a very old town. Perhaps this was just part of local design, or some unruly architect had put more personal flare into the building than most.

Sitting on the bed, Arla squeezed her hair through the towel, staring out the window as the bustle of people continued in the street. It was still so odd how a town so small could be so busy. The last recorded population size was only five hundred or so people, and the town itself took up so little land. And yet, it seemed almost as though every single person living in the town was walking the street, carrying boxes or bags, glancing at a book or paper, or staring blankly ahead. Almost no one talked to each other on the street, and even those whose lips Arla could see moving didn’t appear to be holding a conversation so much as talking to themselves.

Moving closer to the window, Arla looked down into the street and watched a man with a newsboy cap and trim beard. He walked down the main street, approaching the hotel, a cup in his hand. When he neared the door of the hotel, he turned around on his heel and continued the way he had come, back up the main street. When he neared the local grocery, he turned again and headed back towards the hotel.

The sight made something in Arla’s chest tighten, and the Flame within her seemed to be tugging her southward again, the sensation a tight rope wrapped around her ribcage. She turned away from the window and pulled the curtains shut, blocking all light from the room aside from the small bedside lamp that she had turned on earlier.

Better to have a nap and try to forget the eerie sight than to venture into the town just yet.

Laying down on the plush sheets, Arla sighed and stared at the ceiling. The soft linens caressed her skin, easing her into a sense of relief. Rolling over and clutching a pillow to her chest, she thought she smelled something like lavender and charcoal before she fell into a heavy sleep.

She woke to the stench of putrid meat. Opening her eyes, she stifled a gag to see the bathroom covered in the sludge that had fallen from the showerhead. It oozed from the shower, the sink, the toilet, even the walls, throbbing and slithering in her direction. Within her, the Flame swelled and contracted in time with the grotesque pile growing before her eyes.

She retched, bile crawling up her throat as the smell filled the room, seeping into her pores and tainting her blood. She reached for the robe, discarded on the other side of the bed, and found it to be slimy, a horrid amalgam of flesh and rust and blood slipping through her fingertips as it melted into the linen.

Arla climbed to her feet, her toes digging into the plush mattress as she walked to the edge and jumped over the seeping sludge of putrescence to what remained of clean floor. The heel of her foot touched the black throbbing mass, and she felt an horrific burning in her leg, bringing her to her knees as she cried out. As if responding to the contact with her flesh, the sludge shifted, moving quickly to cover her body, creeping up inch by inch at a staggering pace, her skin burning as it was engulfed. The Flame surged, seeming to join the sludge as it burned her alive, skin and bone melting into ash. She cried out as her chest was enveloped, heat crushing her lungs as she desperately reached into the room for a saviour that would never come.

***

Arla sat up in the bed, a cold sweat drenching her skin as she frantically looked around the room. It was as spotless as it had ever been, the encroaching sludge a simple, if horrific, dream.

Arla dressed quickly and went downstairs, deciding that it was time for dinner. Perhaps an empty stomach had fueled her feverish nightmare after her strange observations of the townspeople. An irrational thought, really, but one needs to hold onto hope.

In the hotel's lobby, a jaunty tune played on an old radio, but no one seemed to be manning the bar. Arla walked to the clerk's desk and rang the bell, offering a friendly smile as the clerk emerged from a rear room.

"Do you have dinner service in your restaurant tonight?" Arla asked.

"Oh, of course." The clerk grinned, the same broad-toothed smile from earlier. "But not until after service."

"You mean a church service?" Arla asked.

"That's right. It's mandatory attendance, and it's going to start in just about ten minutes. I was just about to head over myself. Why don't I escort you?"

Arla maintained her smile as best she could, even as the hair on the back of her neck stood on end.

"Oh, no, thank you. I'm not acquainted enough with the town's faith to attend, I'm sure. If you'll just tell me when the dinner service will be available, I'll come back downstairs then."

"Oh, darlin'..." The clerk tsked at Arla as two men grabbed her arms from behind. "Didn't you hear me say it's mandatory?"

Arla was marched into the dusty street and southward, the clerk leading the way as the two men held her arms tightly. As they walked, the Flame tugged at her, urging her onwards. She felt on the edge of a trance, tottering on a dangerous precipice of lucidity as her vision tunneled the closer she got to the church.

She tried to focus on what the hotel clerk was saying, but some esoteric force deep within her seemed to team up with the Flame to stop her ears and pull her forward, towards the church, even as her legs grew weak in its shadow. She had a vague sense of being carried, but couldn't tell if it was the men holding her arms or something else.

Reaching the church doors, Arla felt an overwhelming pressure both surrounding her and pushing out from within. She approached the altar, climbing atop the podium. The Flame surged, the birth and death of the universe cycling through her body, killing and birthing her anew, a heartbeat pulse shaking the walls of the church as the congregation cried out in awe.

"She does not Burn!" someone shouted.

"She is the one who will Smolder, turning the world to Ash so we will rise as the Phoenix does!"

She watched from outside herself as someone approached her, some congregant with eyes full of tears, a gleeful smile on their face. They reached out, a trembling hand coming within just a few inches before their skin burst into Flames, their soft moan as they became one of the Burned, slowly turning to Charcoal whilst the room watched in awe.

Arla felt herself become nauseated as the Burned moaned softly on the floor, a quiet writhing that reminded her of the day she inherited the Flame. To her horror, the Ash rose into the air and was sucked into her nostrils, down her throat to settle in her lungs. She wanted to cough, but detached as she was from her body, she could only watch as person after person came to her, reaching out for the Flame within her only to Burn and be subsumed by her.

Her lungs felt like she was drowning in Ash, the dust turning to the hideous sludge from her hotel room. After what seemed like ages, but must have been only as long as ten Burnings, the Flame within her pulsed violently, shaking the walls again. The congregation collapsed and Arla fell with them, slumped over the podium as her vision went black.

***

Arla awoke in her hotel room as the sun started to peek through the curtains. She groaned, cursing herself for not closing the curtains all the way, and sat up, rubbing her eyes. A tittering at the window caught her attention, and she opened it to allow the small construct back in, where it sat upon her console for a long moment, humming, before rolling back into a ball.

Arla shut the window again, watching the town start to wake up. People walked into the diner for breakfast, children took to the streets on their way to school, and conversations in the street floated up to the glass of her room. She watched curiously as one man, with a newsboy cap and trim beard walked from the grocery to the hotel and back again. Every time he approached the hotel, he appeared to be looking up at Arla, holding her gaze, though she knew he could not have seen her at the window.

She put her bags back together and stepped into the bathroom to brush her teeth. Before she got the toothbrush into her mouth, she retched, and rushed over to the toilet just before she vomited. To her disgust, what came out of her mouth was a foul-smelling black sludge. She quickly flushed it away, returning to the task of brushing her teeth to rid herself of the taste of charcoal and putrid meat.

Arla walked downstairs to check out, finding the clerk sitting behind the desk, reading an old book. They grinned at her, in a way her father might have likened to a 'Cheshire cat,' as they took her room key.

"Leaving already?" The clerk asked as they finalized the charges.

"Yes," Arla said, unnerved by their smile. "I'm afraid I've been called back to work."

"A shame," the clerk tsked. "We've enjoyed having you here."

Arla hummed in response, signing the document placed before her and waving as she walked out.

"Thank you for everything."

***

Riding the bus out of town, heading south, Arla watched the landscape pass by. An old church in the distance, marked only by a crumbling, burned-out spire, caught her eye. Within her, the Flame seemed to tug in the direction of that old building.

Arla turned her attention away from the building, a small cough of dust escaping her mouth.

#adventures of arla #ferricfox writes #short story

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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venenatum

Your twisted roots, rotting the soil

Acidifying all it touches

An arsenic that seeps into the skin

And sullies the skies

You poison the air we breathe.

Only Red Phosphorus could burn more caustic

Than the sickness roiling within,

Your matchstick heart coaxed alight at each provocation.

Is it not those dreams, mercurial and dense,

That rend the last of our hope from its seams,

The shroud under which we hide turning to scraps in our fingers?

And though we aim to make gold from lead and

Purify our own hearts along with it,

We must first endure the in-betweens, Rancid with Ichor and Vitriol

Such that we come crawling from the Sludge towards the sun,

Sometimes only to sink again

into the quicksand

Never to rise

Again.

#ferricfox has problems yo #ferricfox writes

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: this started as a random headcannon I thought of as I was driving to work today and then I talked about it on discord and it.gave me more ideas and suddenly it's a thing now. So here you go. Enjoy.

Content warning: mild child abuse?? Maybe?? It's more implied than anything, I guess. But mostly Kenny is just mean. Also Levi needs a hug.

ACQUIRED TASTE

It took a few months, but Levi is finally starting to get used to food on the surface. At first, he found the stews served in the mess too rich, the spices too strong. The thickened broth felt like sludge on his tongue and he had to force himself not to gag the first few times he ate it. Now, the stew is comforting, a sense of ‘home’ that he’s never quite had, and he savours the chew of potatoes in each bite.

He’s learned not to eat so quickly, too. In the Underground, if you had anything counting for a decent meal, there was a chance someone would try to take it from you. Back then, he’d had to eat as quickly as he could chew and swallow down the half-rotten mass that passed for food, but now he can take his time. Everyone gets the same portions, everyone eats. He’s still taking that part in; none of the soldiers go hungry. Everyone gets to eat every day. Even though some of the cadets gripe that it’s bland and meager compared to what they got back home, he can’t help but be grateful to be able to eat decent food multiple times a day, every day.

His first taste of Surface bread was a surprise, too. Bread was uncommon Underground; the dampness made it prone to molding quickly, and more than half of the flour was cut with sawdust anyway. When the delicate crumb of the roll given to each soldier with dinner first entered his mouth, he was taken aback. He’d rolled the piece on his tongue for a moment, taking in the texture, somehow both fluffy and dense, and the chew of it was unlike anything he’d ever felt before. He admits to himself now that he struggled to maintain his impassive expression during those first few meals on the surface.

Now, as summer beats heavy rays on the ground, lending a gentle tan to his otherwise pale skin, he finds himself walking with Erwin to a local restaurant in town. Erwin told him that it’s one of the best in this area and since they have some time off, invited him to lunch. Although Levi is still wary of Erwin, still trying to figure him out, he can’t deny that he’s drawn to the tall blonde, and he enjoys the friendship they’ve started to build. The invitation to lunch was a surprise; on most days off, Erwin spends his time reading or catching up on paperwork, but today he seems determined to spend the day away from headquarters.

The restaurant sits on a river that winds through the outer portion of the town. The simple wooden exterior somehow glows in the early afternoon sun, the windows reflecting the rays to hide the interior. A sign hangs above the door, proclaiming the name of the establishment, and a small one stands near the entrance, listing the day’s specials. Levi observes the list with curiosity; he’s never heard of the dishes advertised on the slate.

It’s clear that Erwin comes here fairly often when the waitress, a pretty older woman with soft brown curls and a white apron, calls out to him in greeting. Her eyes are gently lined with wrinkles, and Levi thinks about people her age in the Underground; either already limping on bones too soft from lack of sunlight or hopelessly addicted to some drug or other. He fights back a smile at her good fortune as she floats over to Erwin, green eyes alight.

“You’ve brought a friend today, Erwin?” she says. Her voice is like a song sung in spring; Levi can’t remember the last time he heard such a soft woman’s voice, at least not one spoken so naturally and not forced to urge customers inside.

“Yes, this is Levi,” Erwin introduces, gesturing at him warmly.

“Nice to meetcha, hun,” she says with a wink.

“Likewise,” Levi manages. He tries to make his voice friendly, but he’s still not used to just chatting with people. He’s impressed that Erwin can manage it so easily.

“Your usual spot is open, love,” the woman says to Erwin. “I’ll bring you menus in a minute.”

She drifts away and Erwin guides Levi to a table in the corner. Levi hurries to put himself in the chair against the wall facing the rest of the restaurant. Instinctively, he touches the handle of the knife at his belt, the blade embedded in his shoe. He flinches when Erwin opens his mouth to say something and hesitates, unsure how to broach the subject.

“It’s easy to get attacked when you’re eating down there,” Levi says, lowering his eyes. He feels a strange pang of shame inching through him, prickling at his neck and flushing his cheeks. “Anyone wanting to steal your food or take advantage of a moment of vulnerability. I have to…” he pauses, clenching his fist. “I had to be ready and careful.”

To his relief, Erwin doesn’t offer some useless platitude laced with pity like, “well, you don’t have to do that here. You’re safe here.” Instead, he regards him with those blue eyes and mutters a quiet, “I see.”

The waitress flutters back to the table and settles a pitcher of water and two sheafs of paper, written in a flowing cursive.

“Anything else to drink, fellas?” she sings.

“How about a pot of tea, Mable?” Erwin smiles at her warmly.

“Sure thing.” She glides away, the bell of her skirt swelling as she departs.

Levi turns his attention to the writing on the paper in front of him. Although he can read and write, this script is harder for him to discern; the loops and swirls are so dainty and more elegant than any writing he has seen. He glances up to see Erwin watching him, his face blank.

“Yes, I can read,” Levi spits instinctively.

“I never said you couldn’t,” Erwin says plainly.

The statement catches Levi off guard. He expected some defense or… he doesn’t know what. A question? A demand of proof that he can, indeed, read? He watches Erwin’s face, waiting for more, but his companion’s face continues to stare back, impassive and unreadable. It’s unsettling being under this level of scrutiny without the immediate response being a punch to the jaw.

“This writing is just hard for me,” Levi says at last, pulling his eyes back down to the script. “No one I knew ever wrote like this.”

“Admittedly, Mable’s writing is a bit of a challenge for me, too,” Erwin replies with a chuckle. “I think she learned calligraphy as a girl and then took it a little too seriously.”

Levi doesn’t respond, stows away the word calligraphy in his head to look up later. He would rather die than ask Erwin what that word means.

“So, what’ll you have?” Mable is suddenly back, laying a pot of tea and two cups on the table.

Erwin looks at Levi expectantly, waiting for his answer. Levi feels his face start to flush.

“You’re clearly a regular, Erwin,” he says, folding his arms. “I’ll have whatever you’re having. I trust your judgment here.”

“Two specials it is,” Erwin says with a gentle smile.

Mable gives a chirp of acknowledgement and flits away.

“What’s the special?” Levi asks, reaching for the teapot. He pours for Erwin first and then himself before setting it down on the table.

“It’s a fish they catch in the river here. Cooked in fat with herbs and served with boiled vegetables.” Erwin retrieves his cup and brings it close, inhaling the steam wafting from it.

Levi hums, trying to imagine the dish. He’s never had fish before. He’s not even sure he’s ever seen one.

“Thank you for pouring the tea, by the way,” Erwin says. His smile is genuine and soft, and Levi can’t stop a small one from creeping onto his own lips.

“Yeah, of course.” He sips cautiously from the cup. It’s not the best tea he’s had by any measure, but it’s competent, and he’s pleased by the taste.

“Did you know that before Humanity retreated to the Walls, there were countries where it was considered rude to pour tea for yourself before you poured for others?” Erwin says. His tone is almost conspiratorial; it makes Levi’s brow hitch up.

“Is that so? And where did you hear that, huh?”

Erwin pauses. Some emotion Levi can’t identify flashes over his features for just a moment. Then, his gaze becomes distant, even as he holds his eyes on Levi.

“I read it in a very old book once,” he says simply, and does not elaborate.

Levi contemplates the statement. He’s certain there’s some other meaning, or some information that was supposed to follow that statement, but decides he won’t press. Instead, he decides to offer Erwin a gift in return.

“In the Underground, it’s customary to pour for your tablemates before yourself,” Levi says. He remembers learning this the hard way, the beatings he took as a brat when he poured for himself and not for anyone else. He remembers the men he gave beatings to for the same infraction. “It’s a token of goodwill, an invitation to share a meal as opposed to fighting for it.”

Erwin takes this information with the slightest smile on his face, but doesn’t say anything.

“You would also drink from it first,” Levi says, taking a sip as if by example. “To prove it isn’t poisoned.”

“Sounds like a delicate dance,” Erwin comments. He sips from his cup, closes his eyes and enjoys the flavour.

“Everything is down there,” Levi says and instantly regrets the statement when Erwin opens his eyes and frowns at him, concern pulling his eyebrows together. He’s quick to follow up: “It’s not a big deal. You get used to it.”

Erwin hums in response but the concern lingers just long enough for Levi wonder if he said something wrong. To his relief, the waitress returns, drifting to the table with two plates held aloft.

“Lunch is served, boys!” she sings, placing the plates down. “You let me know if you need anything else.”

As she floats away, Levi looks down at the dish in front of him. The fish is whole, its clouded gaping eye staring straight to the ceiling. The scales are somewhat browned, contrasting with the silvery flecks that sparkle in the light from the window. It sits on a bed of asparagus and potatoes, and an aromatic sauce with herbs he can’t identify pools underneath everything.

Levi watches Erwin open the fish; it has been split open down the belly, and delicate white meat glistens. He watches as Erwin pushes his fork into the flesh, pulling up thick strands of fish and dips it in the sauce before placing it in his mouth. He moans his satisfaction.

“They debone the fish before cooking it, so you don’t have to worry about eating around them,” Erwin says after he swallows. He smiles softly at Levi, locking his eyes with the warm blue of the sky swirling within them. “Enjoy.”

Levi follows Erwin’s lead, using his fork and knife to open the fish’s middle and scooping out some of the flesh. He raises it to his nose, smelling the herbs, a hint of something acidic, and what he assumes is the smell of the fish itself. He places the piece in his mouth, chewing slowly to absorb the flavour.

It’s horrible. The fish tastes like dirty water and mud. The texture is slimy and the muscle fibers fall apart in his mouth like logs being dislodged from a cart. He fights the urge to gag and swallows. He’s left with an aftertaste on his tongue that he can only describe as filthy.

Levi tries the vegetables. He knows he likes potatoes, and although he’s never had asparagus before, he finds the vibrant green of the spears appealing.The potatoes are soft and familiar and the asparagus is still somewhat crunchy, and the taste reminds him of when he pinched a maple leaf through his fingers to smell the essence of the greenery. Both are tainted by the sauce, clearly cooked with the fish, and the flavour of the vegetables is almost completely hidden if he doesn’t search for them with his tongue.

Despite the disgust washing through him, he eats, trying to hide the grimace that threatens to darken his face with each mouthful. He tries to imagine the flavour of something more pleasant to cope.

“Levi?” Erwin’s voice pulls him from his concentration. “Do you not like it?”

Levi looks up and is stunned by the look on Erwin’s face. Concern is etched there, and something resembling sadness. Levi feels guilt, knowing that he holds the tools that carved that look into his friend’s features. More than that, he feels bad for disliking a dish Erwin clearly enjoys and ordered for him. It was a gift, sharing a part of himself with Levi, showing him something he enjoys, and Levi is taking it for granted.

“It’s fine,” Levi says, sniffing. He brings another forkful towards his mouth but is stopped by Erwin’s hand on his wrist, holding him still.

“You don’t have to eat something you don’t like, Levi,” Erwin says carefully. “We can order something else for you.”

Levi isn’t sure what to say. The horrid fork of fish hovers less than two inches from his face, and the smell is starting to make him nauseous. He slowly places it down, the fork gently clanking onto the plate. He opens his mouth, trying to think of something, anything to say. Something witty, something that will make Erwin stop staring at him with that forlorn look on his face. Nothing comes to mind. He closes his mouth, looks out the window, and clenches his jaw.

Levi watches Erwin get up from the corner of his eye but doesn’t follow his trek across the restaurant. He listens as Erwin speaks in low tones to the waitress and although he cannot hear their conversation, his ears burn with embarrassment as he thinks about what she’s saying about him not liking the food. He’s not sure he’s ever been so mortified in his life.

Erwin returns to the table and pulls Levi’s plate over to his side. Levi would be pissed at him for saying something to the waitress if he didn’t have such a mournful look. He settles for a scoff as he reaches for his tea.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Levi says.

“You don’t have to eat something you don’t like,” Erwin repeats.

“What’s going to happen to that one?” Levi asks, pointing towards his former plate.

“Oh, I’ll eat it,” Erwin says. “So if you’re worried about it going to waste, rest assured it will not.”

Erwin picks through the rest of his plate with ease and waits to start in on Levi’s when the waitress returns, setting a plate in front of Levi. She does not chastise him, nor does she apologize. Instead, she gives him a genuine smile and says, “Enjoy!”

Before him is a roasted chicken breast, skin crispy and coated in a fine dusting of cracked pepper. Next to it are potatoes, similarly roasted, and asparagus. Using a new fork and knife that suddenly appeared next to the plate, he cuts through the skin of the breast and into the meat. It glistens with juices as the flesh separates under his knife. He hesitates before bringing the piece to his mouth, aware that Erwin is watching him.

Levi has had chicken before; not often, but enough times to know roughly what it tastes like. In the Underground, real meat was ridiculously hard to come by, and even then, it was either half-rotten or counterfeit. After a particularly lucrative job, he would treat himself, Isabel, and Furlan to a chicken dinner, paying the absurd price for a live one, and then the absurd additional price to have it killed, gutted, and plucked in front of him. It was the only way for him to know he was getting exactly what he paid for. Paying someone else to cook it properly was another drain; Levi frequently found his share of the take was gone by the time the dinner was prepared, but it made his friends happy and put good food in their stomachs, so he had been happy to skimp for a few days after.

Now, as he sits with a piece of chicken on his fork, real chicken raised on the Surface, he is overcome with a sense of nostalgia. He misses his friends. He wishes they could have tasted this food, even if he didn’t like it.

Finally, he puts the meat in his mouth, chewing slowly, and the flavour is nearly enough to bring him to tears. It’s juicy and tender, not the tough, scrawny meat he had in the Underground. It’s bursting with a taste that can only come from being raised in the sun, and he relishes it. He takes a second bite and then a third before remembering Erwin’s eyes on him. Levi feels his face flush as he returns his gaze to Erwin, expecting his companion to laugh or tease him. Instead, Erwin is looking at him with relief and a fond smile.

“You like this better, then?” Erwin asks softly.

“I do,” Levi admits. “Thank you. For ordering it for me.”

“Of course,” Erwin replies, before returning to his own plate.

Levi continues eating, adding a roasted potato to his mouth. It’s drier than he’s used to, the feel on his teeth is different, but he doesn’t hate it. Still, he likes potatoes inside of a stew better. The asparagus has a similar taste to when it was paired with the fish, a flavour that only makes Levi think of the colour green. He decides he doesn’t necessarily like it, but he eats it all anyway.

He and Erwin eat in relative silence, pausing to thank the other for pouring another cup of tea. When both plates are empty and the bill is paid, Levi follows Erwin out of the restaurant as the waitress bids a hearty farewell to them. Instead of heading towards headquarters, Erwin turns the opposite direction, guiding Levi down a path that traces along the river.

“I hope I didn’t put you on the spot too much, ordering you something else,” Erwin says after a few minutes of silence.

“Don’t worry about it,” Levi responds quickly, instinctively. He cringes at his defensive tone and decides to try again. “It’s okay, really. Thanks for doing it.”

Silence walks between them. Although this is fairly standard for them now, enjoying each other’s company without needing to fill it with words, this time feels heavy. Levi can feel that Erwin wants to ask him something but isn’t sure how to say it. Levi decides to open the door first.

“You never know when your next meal is coming down there, no matter how successful you are,” Levi says quietly. Erwin stops and turns to face him, and Levi halts, too. “You never know, especially not when you make your living as a… like I did. And you didn’t always get the luxury of eating whatever you wanted. You didn’t get a menu in a restaurant like you do up here. You sit down at a tavern and you eat whatever they put in front of you.” He pauses, takes a breath. “If you’re lucky enough to be able to shop at the street vendors selling real food, you had to just buy what you could afford and would give you enough energy to keep going. Most of it was halfway to rotten anyway, so you could never eat all of whatever you bought, unless you had a strong stomach for it.”

Erwin is silent for a long, agonizing moment, staring him down.

“So you ate things you didn’t like the taste of? Did you do that often?” Erwin finally asks, and his tone is so sad Levi has a wild urge to hug him. Instead, he offers a mirthless laugh.

“Of course I did. You learn to ignore it, fight back the urge to gag.” Levi feels defensive now, though he isn’t sure why. “You either suck it down and be grateful for something in your stomach or you go hungry. It’s not like up here where you can just choose from a piece of paper with fancy writing on it and then send it back for something else if you don’t like it.”

Levi’s voice has more bite than he means, but he’s suddenly swarmed with memories. Of when he told his mother he didn’t like something she’d managed to buy for them and she sadly begged him to eat it and think of it being something else, something tasty. Of Kenny, backhanding him in the mouth when he said his food tasted like shit. He’d thrown the dish against the wall, making Levi jump as it shattered into pieces and clattered to the floor. Kenny had tied him to the table and told him he was going to sit there all night and look at the food he’d wasted. Before he left the room, he’d told Levi that if he found any of that food gone, he’d beat the shit out of him. Kenny didn’t come back for two days and by that time, Levi had been so delirious from hunger, the first time it’d been so bad since his mother died, that he’d gratefully eaten the horrid bowl of mush that was shoved in his face.

He never complained about food again.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” Erwin says, bringing him out of the memories trying to drown him. “I didn’t know. I’m sorry.”

Levi comes back to himself with those sad words and realizes his fists are clenched so hard his nails have bitten into the skin of his palms, making them bleed. His cheeks are wet from a small trickle of tears that have escaped from his eyes. He rubs them roughly away and turns away from Erwin, towards the river.

“It’s okay.” Levi says, and he means it. He’s not mad at Erwin. He’s not even sure that he is mad. “It’s not your fault.”

Erwin’s hand settles on his shoulder, a gesture Levi knows is meant to be friendly, consoling, but he can’t stop himself from gently leaning into the body standing next to him. He finds comfort in the warmth pressed against his skin, even as the sun continues to warm the air around them.

“Can I ask you a favour, Levi?” Erwin says suddenly.

“Yeah?” Levi responds, hoping Erwin won’t ask him to stop leaning into him.

“If we’re out and you eat something you don’t like, please tell me. Please don’t be afraid to ask for something else.”

Levi pulls away and looks up into the deep blue eyes he’s losing himself in more often these days. He studies Erwin’s face and finds no deceit, no pity, no disgust. Just empathy. Levi feels something inside of him soften.

“Yeah. I will,” he says at last.

“Thank you.” Erwin returns with a warm smile. After a pause, he continues, “So, what do you like?”

“I… I don’t know,” Levi says. “Even the same food tastes different here. I feel like I have to relearn tastes all over again.” He offers a chuckle, hoping Erwin understands his joke.

To his relief, Erwin laughs softly.

“Well, I guess it’s up to me to help you figure it out.”

“What the hell does that mean?”

“We’ll go out for lunch every day we have off and you can try new things."

Levi thinks for a minute, absorbing the offer.

"Alright," he says. "I'd like that."

—--

Levi looks at the small notebook in his hands, his scattershot handwriting crawling the pages. The pages he has open have a list on each side: one says 'LIKES' and the other 'DISLIKES.' Under each header is a list of foods Levi has tried and placed into these categories.

The last few months, Erwin has been taking him to various restaurants for every conceivable meal so Levi can taste what the surface world has to offer. He's found that soft and sweet apples are bland and boring, but crisp and tart ones light his taste buds up in ways he can't describe. To his shock, eggs have made it onto the LIKE list.

In the Underground, he hated eggs; the sulfurous smell of half-rotted sludge was enough to make his stomach turn whenever he was around them. The fact that they were always overcooked to kill of as much bacteria as possible didn't help. Eating them made his guts feel rancid and bloated, so he had avoided them as much as he could.

On the surface, eggs can be cooked in a variety of ways, from fried in fat with soft runny yolks the colour of the sun to boiled until they become like a firm jelly. He likes most preparations of eggs, but he enjoys them scrambled with just a hint of pepper the most.

He does not like spicy food. Hot peppers and the spices they yield make his mouth burn and his guts twist. The first time he ate a spicy dish, he coughed violently, rushing to put his napkin in front of his mouth so he didn't spit onto the table. Erwin had asked if he was okay and after a violent shake of his head, his friend had gotten the message and requested a different dish for Levi.

Now, as he sits in a small bakery with Erwin, a cup of tea at his lips, he wonders where the items they've ordered will land on the pages before him. They've ordered a slice of several kinds of tarts as well as a chocolate cake that Levi found very appealing to his eyes.

"I'm surprised you asked to come to a bakery, Levi," Erwin says. He finishes rolling down the sleeves of his shirt and buttoning the cuffs.

"Why is that?" Levi asks, arching a brow.

"You just don't strike me as a sweets kind of guy."

Levi shrugs, sips his tea.

"I guess we'll find out."

It turns out that Erwin is right. Most of the things he eats are fine, but certainly not a favourite. He flips the page in his book and adds those to the 'OKAY' list. The strawberry tart is too sweet for him, and he hastily offers the rest of the slice to Erwin, who enjoys it immensely.

When Levi bites into the chocolate cake, he struggles to understand the combination of earthy and sweet of the chocolate. He must make a face as he tries to reconcile the tastes on his tongue because Erwin frowns.

"No?" Erwin asks.

Levi pauses, then his lips lilt into a smile he gives only to Erwin.

"I think this is the perfect thing to share," he says warmly. He cuts a piece and holds his fork out to Erwin, aiming at his lips.

Erwin grins and opens his mouth. Levi slips it into his mouth, and Erwin moans in satisfaction and he swallows.

"You're right," he says. "It’s perfect for sharing."

Levi slides the plate to the middle of the table and they share the rest of the cake. He's grateful that Erwin doesn't mind sharing; the richness of the chocolate would have him struggling to finish the piece.

The table cleared, Levi finishes his tea and leans back, satisfied. Just as he's about to suggest they go for a walk before heading back to headquarters, a slice of another tart is placed in front of him. He looks to Erwin after he thanks the server.

"I took the liberty of adding something to your tasting menu today," Erwin says. A coy smile settles on his features as he steeples his fingers under his chin, eyes eager. "After watching you try things for the last few months, I took a guess about something you might like. It's a lemon tart."

Levi eyes him with some suspicion before cutting a piece off with his fork. Erwin watches him earnestly as he carefully places the piece in his mouth.

He is blown away by the flavour. The tartness of the lemon, a fruit he's never heard of before, breaks through every taste lingering on his tongue, bright and summery, as though it was made of the very essence of sunshine. Underneath the lemon, a crumbly crust, buttery and sweet, lends themselves to a balance that Levi has never experienced before. A soft whipped cream, unsweetened and floating atop the tart, seals everything together in a silky texture that he rolls over on his tongue until it seems to melt.

He doesn't realize his mouth is gaping after he swallows until Erwin laughs brightly.

"So I was right?"

Levi regards Erwin for a moment, before shoving another piece into his mouth. Instead of eating it, he stands, crosses the length of the table, and presses an open mouth to Erwin's own, forced open by a squeeze to his jaw. Lips locked, he uses his tongue to shove the piece of tart into Erwin’s mouth, before pulling away.

"You tell me," he rasps, his nose barely brushing Erwin’s as his companion struggles to regain his breath.

Levi returns to his chair and sits, arms crossed, smirking. Erwin hesitates, wide-eyed before chewing the tart.

"Yes," Erwin says, clearly flustered. "It's definitely the perfect dessert for you."

Later, as Erwin is paying for the desserts, Levi opens his notebook and flips to a new page. At the top, he writes, 'LOVE.' Directly underneath, he writes, "lemon tart."

Below that, he writes, "Erwin Smith."

#levi ackerman #erwin #eruri #if you read between the lines #but at the end it's pretty much there #i relate to levi's feeling about food scarcity childhood more than i care to admit #these boys are so soft #ferricfox writes

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: another little one-shot inspired by random discussions on Discord. Moral of today's story is that Levi needs a heckin hug, friends.

Content warning: PTSD (implied)

@levmada I hope this is everything you hoped for!]]

BRITTLE STEEL

There’s one thing that everyone who’s never fought in a war always gets wrong: The fighting doesn’t stop once all the battles are over.

You had been wary when Levi suggested moving to Marley after Eren was killed and the Titans were no more, but you conceded that a change of scenery for him might do him some good. Maybe living a whole ocean away from the horrors of his life would help to ease the tension on his shoulders a little.

Settling into a new house had been a chore. With Levi’s right eye scarred and unseeing, he was constantly bumping into things or tripping. The corner of the wall between the bathroom and bedroom. The bottom step on the stairs. The table leg in the dining room. You begged him to use his cane around the house so he could at least give himself a buffer, but he refused.

“If I’m so crippled that I can’t even get around my own house, then I should just stay in a chair all day,” he’d said with a huff. Argument over.

He started mapping out rooms extensively before moving. He would swivel his head, scanning one side and then the other, before standing and walking the route he had plotted in his head, quickly so as to avoid any sudden obstacles from manifesting on his right. It had initially drawn some attention in restaurants and cafes, but no one wants to tease the man who walks with his cane like he’s ready to break someone’s skull with it. Once you two were better established in the community and everyone knew the two of you, no one stared anymore.

You’d made a point to walk on his left side, where you could stay in his vision. At first he’d scoffed and complained about being coddled, but you didn’t miss the look of appreciation in his face when you kept doing it. Whenever you startled him by touching him or saying something on his right side, you felt terrible, even though he always waved it off.

One night, as you were walking past Levi into the kitchen, socked feet and fresh floorboards muffling your steps, you playfully bumped your hip into his right one in passing. You tittered with a soft, “boop!” as your hips connected.

No sooner had the sound left your lips than you were thrown onto the floor, your head knocking hard against the wood and a grunt being thrust from your chest. Pressed to your throat was a small knife, the kind one hides in a sheath hidden in the waistband of a pair of trousers. Attached to that knife was a left hand, trembling and, trailing up the arm, across the collarbone and up a scarred face, was a single steel gray eye, pupil blown and focused on prey.

“Levi?” you could barely choke out the word. Fear surged through every nerve as you slowly raised your hands in submission.

Eye focusing, Levi looked at you, emotions speeding through his face. He pulled himself off you and stood, sliding the knife back into place. He hung his head, grit his teeth, and turned on his heel.

“Sorry,” he muttered before stomping to the bedroom.

You lay on the floor, your bones calcified into position, for untold minutes. You realized, slowly, that a sharp and biting pain lit a small fire at your neck. Hot blood ran a pencil thin line from a small cut at your throat towards the floor, and you sat up, pressing your palm to the wound.

As you cleaned the wound and pressed a bandage to it, you were struck by a pain in your chest, worse than the cut in your skin. Levi was still carrying his knife. After all these years, and after he had told you that he had stopped modifying the inner waistline of his pants with a pocket to hold the sheath, he still had it. And he was still willing to use it, even on you.

You walked into the bedroom, not surprised to find the lights off. In the pale light of a half moon, you found Levi sitting on the edge of the bed, hunched over himself, head in his hands. You made a point to close the door loud enough for him to know you were in the room and walked towards him. You sat down on the bed to his left side, and waited.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered again. He inhaled a shaky breath and held it for a few beats before letting it out.

“You said you didn’t have the knife in your pants anymore,” you said plainly.

Levi’s breath hitched and he tightened his hold on his head.

“Yeah.”

You sat and waited for an explanation, but nothing came. When you reached out and gently rested a hand on his shoulder, he recoiled, shrinking away from you with a hiss that would make the neighbourhood cats envious. You stood up and left the room with clenched fists.

***

Dawn found you on the couch, still in your clothes. The smell of tea brewing drifted over you and you sat up and watched Levi as he pulled cups from the cupboard and set them delicately on saucers. He turned to the right to reach for the teapot and bumped it with his hand, pushing it onto the floor to shatter and splash the contents everywhere.

“Fuck!” Levi shouted as he knelt to pick up the pieces.

“Hey, are you okay?” You stood and moved swiftly to the kitchen. Levi clearly didn’t hear you as he muttered curses to himself. You grabbed a towel from the counter and knelt to mop up the liquid. As you did, you placed a hand on Levi’s right hand in an effort to reassure him.

You were quickly thrown on your ass and pressed into the cabinets behind you, a shard of teapot at your throat. You kicked up, landing your foot into Levi’s gut and shimmied away as he doubled over with a cough.

“What the hell is going on?” You knew your voice was shrill. You didn’t mean it to be, but you were getting scared. And angry.

“Why the fuck do you keep creeping up on my blind side?!” The response was full of rage, but tinged with something else, too.

“I’m not trying to! Why the fuck do you keep trying to slit my throat, huh?” You threw the tea-soaked rag at the man on the floor. It landed on his head and dripped loudly into the silence that filled the room.

“You keep acting like someone’s broken into the house and is trying to hurt you, but you know it’s just us in here, Levi! There’s three goddamned locks on the door. Who the hell is going to get in here?”

Silence.

“And why are you still walking around with your knife in your pants, huh?” You gestured at his waist. Levi stared at the floor, unmoving. “You told me that you didn’t need it anymore! You promised that you wouldn’t hide it in your pants, ready to rip out and slash someone’s throat at a moment’s notice! You better tell me what the fuck is going on here, because I can’t deal with this sudden paranoia. It’s a lot, even for you.”

Finally, after an agonizingly long moment, Levi pulled himself up onto his knees and tugged the sopping rag from his head. Tears lingered on the edges of his eyes, even as he kept his breathing even. He looked up at you, fear twinkling in his gray iris.

“I’m vulnerable on that side,” he said at last. “And if I’m vulnerable, that means I can’t protect you, either.”

Your shoulders sagged at his words and your mouth opened as if to respond, but Levi kept talking.

“Remember that trip we took downtown last week? People kept bumping into us, and I couldn’t see the people on my right side. I knew they were just shoving past me, but I kept thinking, 'one of these people is going to have a knife and they're going to stick it in my side, and I'll never know until it's too late.'

"And then I started having nightmares again –"

Glass shards dug into your heart as you watched Levi crumple back in on himself. Tears started to fall into the puddle of tea he knelt in.

"Why didn't tell me you're having nightmares again, Levi?"

"And in them," Levi continued as if you'd said nothing, "I get attacked from the right, or my leg gets smashed and I can only watch as you try to fight and –"

You knelt in front of Levi and cupped your hands on either side of his face, making him gasp and he looked up to you, frightened.

"Levi." You placed a kiss to his forehead. "Levi, it's okay. You're okay."

Gray eyes, shiny and dull alike, stared at you, searching your gaze. Tears soaked into your palms.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. "I'm sorry."

You leaned down and pressed your forehead to his and shook your head gently.

"You don't have to be sorry. It's going to take getting used to; not having sight on one side."

"It's been months." It was a feeble excuse, but he still felt guilty: for all his aptitude in so many things throughout his life, this one thing seemed so difficult to overcome.

"It doesn't matter," you assured, rubbing a thumb along the scar trailing the right side of his face. "It doesn't matter if you need eight years to get used to it. Your journey is yours."

You lifted his face and gently pressed your lips to his.

"But you're not walking this road alone, yeah? And we'll protect each other along the way. No need to take that whole burden on for yourself. You've carried enough."

Levi pressed a kiss to your cheek and sighed.

"Thank you," he whispered against your lips.

After a short silence, you watched tears cloud his vision again and you frowned with worry.

"What is it?" you asked.

"I'm sorry I broke the teapot and wasted all that tea," he said. He wiped at his face with the back of his hand.

"It's okay. We have a spare pot; we can make some more."

"No." He took a shaky breath.

"No?"

"That was the last of that expensive tea you got me for my birthday. And I wasted it…"

You couldn't help but chuckle as you pulled him close.

"Oh, Love," you whispered into his hair. "That's alright. I'll get you some more soon. In the meantime, let's brew some of that stuff from Hizuru and clean up, okay?"

Levi wrapped his arms around your waist and pulled you close.

"Okay, but you're pouring."

#levi ackerman #captain levi #levi x reader #levi x you #ferricfox writes #cried a little writing this

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: it's another fic inspired by a convo on Discord: Levi dies AU. Full on angst; there's no happiness here.

Content warnings: death, blood, grief, alcohol consumption

ME WITHOUT YOU

Erwin stood in a small huddle of soldiers, overlooking maps. Based on the speed they’d been traveling for the last few hours and, given the relatively few Titan spottings since leaving the Walls, they were on track to make their target; a small grouping of tall trees as yet unexplored and uncharted, by mid-afternoon. It was good news. If they could map out the size of that forest, seen only from a distance on previous expeditions, it could potentially give them a huge advantage. A whisper in the back of Erwin’s mind told him that he was getting closer to the truth with this small step.

He was so engrossed in the conversation and planning that he only hardly registered that Levi hadn’t joined the group yet. He knew that there had been a Titan sighting in that area of the formation; it was entirely possible that his squad was still working on eliminating the threat.

Route decided and everyone in agreement, the huddle broke and Erwin ordered a halt until the remaining soldiers could be accounted for.

He walked to his horse and took a sip from his canteen. Something in his chest felt off. Levi should be back by now, shouldn’t he? Surely his squad wouldn’t take so long to dispatch a few Titans, even if abnormals had been among them. His thoughts were interrupted by a loud call and the thundering of horse hoofs.

“Commander!” came the shout, and he turned to see Gunther racing towards him. “It’s Captain Levi, Sir!”

Erwin was on his horse in seconds, ordering Hange to keep everyone in place until his return. He followed Gunther back the way he came.

“I’m sorry, Sir!” Gunther called as the wind whipped their faces. “The Captain’s wire got grabbed mid-flight by an abnormal. It slammed him into the ground. He’s got a really bad head wound and probably internal bleeding. He keeps asking for you, Sir.”

Erwin tried not to let the fear that was threatening to liquefy his heart show on his face. In his head, he begged his horse to gain just a little more speed.

“Are medics on site already?” he asked, hoping that the trembling in his voice could be attributed to the pace of their riding.

“Yes, Sir.” Gunther leveled a grave look in his direction, which Erwin did his best not to look directly into. “They don’t think he’ll make it.”

Erwin didn’t respond. He grit his teeth as he spotted a cluster of people and horses slide into view in front of him and he urged his horse onward. Just a little faster.

Coming up on the cluster of people, Erwin could see Levi’s squad standing together, in various stages of hugging each other and holding back tears. Miche loomed over the medics, who knelt on the ground around a crumpled body. He could already tell there was too much blood.

His horse had barely trotted to a stop before Erwin leapt off and jogged the rest of the way. Miche turned to him, a deep frown on his face. He placed a hand on Erwin’s shoulder, halting him for the barest of moments.

“We took down the abnormal. Levi was the only one it got.”

Erwin fixed him with a stare that he knew betrayed his fear. He couldn’t hide it anyway, not from his best friend.

“He doesn’t have long, Erwin. I’ll get people out of the way, leave you two to it.”

Erwin managed a whispered ‘thanks’ before breaking through the group of medics and kneeling by Levi’s broken form. He held out his arms and the medic holding the man passed him over, their entire lower body soaked red when they pulled away. Erwin distantly heard Miche order everyone to form a perimeter around the area and give some space.

Erwin could hardly breathe as he stared down at Levi. It was clear that he had suffered a skull fracture, and blood coated his face. Every quivering breath that Levi took caused a sickening crunch of shattered bones that Erwin felt under his fingertips. His mouth hung open, teeth crimson, wheezing bubbles gurgling past his lips. Blood freely flowed from his nose. Erwin felt nauseated, the sting of loss already seizing his heart as he bent down to whisper to the man dying in his arms.

“Levi?” He was afraid of saying it too loud, as though death would hear him and snatch him away more quickly.

“E-er-e-” came the reply as Levi struggled for air.

“Ssshh,” Erwin stroked a hand through sticky hair. “It’s okay. I’m right here.”

“I-I’m sssso-sorry,” Levi gasped. His chest heaved and ragged coughs tore through him, spraying blood on Erwin’s chest.

“Don’t try to talk,” Erwin urged. His free hand moved from Levi’s hair to grab a limp hand laying in the grass. “Just stay with me a little longer, okay?”

Erwin squeezed the hand he had wrapped in his own, but he didn’t feel a response. Levi fixed him with a stare, drifting as the light fell from them. Erwin though he saw tears mix into the blood on the man’s face. Levi’s mouth moved without sound, and with a final cough, he was gone.

***

Levi’s funeral was meant to be small and private, but the news of the death of Humanity’s Strongest drew people from the smallest villages all the way to the capitol to observe the procession and service. Newspapers throughout the cities questioned how much hope Humanity had of regaining territory if even Captain Levi could not avoid death at the hands of Titans.

Some argued that Erwin should resign, saying that it was the recklessness of the Long Distance Scouting Formation that killed a man who could otherwise have been protected by others had the ranks been tighter. Dozens of soldiers transferred to the Garrison or left the military altogether. The Special Operations Squad was handed over to Miche, who initially offered them a leave of absence but ultimately, per their insistence, drilled them harder than they had in months on the training grounds. The whole squad seemed determined to sweat away their grief.

Erwin stayed in his office for days after the funeral. Officially, he was signing death notices, coordinating with squad leaders to deliver said notices, and reading and writing reports from the expedition. Unofficially, he was drinking a half bottle of scotch every night. He struggled to fall asleep at night and struggled to find the will to wake up in the morning.

Miche brought him food, but it wasn’t until his normally quiet friend scolded him for ignoring his last three meals that he ate anything. Even then, it was a struggle to keep it down. Miche asked him one morning, as he supervised Erwin eating breakfast and drinking a cup of coffee, if he wanted to talk about Levi’s death. The only reply he received was the slamming of the bathroom door and the sound of retching.

Erwin lost count of how many days he’d been in his office. Something in the back of his mind said it was two weeks, but the concept of time had been lost to him. He sat at the window, staring out over the training grounds. The Special Operations Squad was training again, and Ouro skidded to a stop in the grass and sank to his knees. It was quick to see he was crying. He was followed quickly by Petra and then Eld and Gunther, the four of them huddled together. Erwin couldn’t hear their wails, but the shaking of their bodies told him enough. He finished his third glass of scotch for the day.

A knock brought him hazily back into his office and he grunted to allow entry. Hange carefully opened the door and peered in. They quickly entered and shut the door behind them. Hange crossed the distance to where Erwin sat and looked at the emptied glass in his hand. They snatched the glass and the bottle of scotch and opened the window and tossed them out. Erwin could only watch with a distant apathy that he couldn’t connect between the front and back of his mind. A glass of water was shoved into his hand.

“Drink up, Erwin.” Hange resolutely leaned against the wall near the window. “Time to sober up and move forward.”

Erwin watched Hange’s face for a long time before turning to look back outside. Miche stood below the window, in front of the mess of glass and spilled liquor, looking up. Hange gave a thumbs up. Miche returned the gesture and returned to his squad.

Erwin sipped from the glass and stared blankly forward, through Hange and into some dark space he couldn’t identify.

“Levi’s dead,” he whispered. They were the first words he’d said in days.

“Yes. He is.” Hange’s tone turned soft.

“It’s my fault,” Erwin said. “He trusted me and I killed him.”

“Everyone in the Corps trusts you, Erwin.” Hange pressed a hand to his cheek and rubbed a thumb against the stubble. “And many of them die in the field. But you don’t drink this much scotch for all of them.”

“Levi was special.” Erwin was surprised by the challenging tone of his voice, like he expected Hange to argue with him on that fact. He became aware of a voice in his head supply, to me. He was special to me.

“He was,” Hange agreed. “He was incredible in so many ways. But he was also human, just like the rest of us.”

Erwin didn’t have a response for that. He drank the rest of the water and felt his stomach flip. He willed his body to hold it down. Hange went to the bathroom and poured another glass. Within two hours, filled mostly with silence, he had drank five glasses of water, pissed three times, and sobered up completely.

“Erwin, I actually came to ask you a favour,” Hange said after he emerged from the bathroom again.

“What is it?” Erwin didn’t like the apologetic look on their face.

“I was going to start cleaning out Levi’s office and, well. He left something for you on his desk. It’s a note.”

***

Sitting neatly in the centre of the desk was a small envelope. Written in thin lettering was, E.S. and Erwin picked it up, running a hand through his hair before opening it. He was expecting a long letter or a will, but instead was written simply,

Third drawer left. Underside.

-L

Erwin reread the note several times before looking around the room. Hange was busying themselves with the small bookshelf across the room, muttering quietly to no one in particular.

Glancing down at Levi’s desk, he furrowed brow with deeper confusion. Levi’s desk had two drawers on each side, not three. His bedroom didn't have a desk, and the small dresser had a single row of drawers.

The realization hit Erwin like a horse at full speed. He left the room, only vaguely aware of how abrupt his actions were by the confused noise Hange made. They did not follow him.

Just a minute later, Erwin was standing in front of his own desk, looking at the third drawer down on the left side. He glanced at the note again and something in his chest churned. He set the paper on his desk and pulled the drawer out and away from base, lifting it above his head, but he didn't find a note stuck to the underside. He set it down on top of the desk and stared at the contents; shoe polish and a rag and brush, a spare comb, a cluster of documents, a tin of sweets he kept for late nights. Nothing he hadn't seen hundreds of times, and nothing out of the ordinary. Slowly, he pushed at the bottom of the drawer, overhanging the edge of the desk. He did not expect it to lift, nor did he expect it to keep lifting as he continued to push upwards.

The bottom plank of the drawer peaked out over the top, followed almost immediately by a second plank. Curious, Erwin pressed the index finger of his free hand to hold the upper plank and slowly allowed the lower one to settle back down into position. In the space between the two planks sat a larger envelope, Erwin’s name written out in Levi’s unmistakable penmanship. Erwin slid the envelope out and let the upper plank drop unceremoniously back into place.

This envelope felt a good deal heavier than the one that contained the cryptic note. Erwin leaned back in his chair, breath caught in his throat, unsure he could handle whatever was contained within. Slowly, he spun the envelope around and pulled the flap away from the wax seal keeping it closed. He pulled out the sheets lying inside and unfolded them and read.

Erwin-

If you're reading this, that means I've died during an expedition. I've been leaving the note with the clue to finding this letter on my desk just before we've left for expeditions for years now. This letter has changed over time; I've written new ones as necessary, but the intention has always been the same.

I hope you didn't have to see me die. I hope I was already gone when you found out. I know all too well what it's like to watch the light fade from someone's eyes, to feel their heartbeat stop, to feel the warmth leave their body. I desperately hope you didn't have to endure that for me. If you did, I'm sorry. I hope it was quick.

I hope you don't mind that I modified your desk drawer to hide this note. I didn't want to risk someone else finding it when they were cleaning out my office. At least this way, I have more hope that you will be the only one to read this. (By the way, I did it when you were in a meeting at the capitol one day. Yes, I learned how to do it in the Underground. No, none of my own drawers have a false bottom.)

Do me a favour, and do not blame yourself for my death. Whatever the circumstances were, just know it wasn't your fault. I know you'll probably still blame yourself, but I want to say it anyway.

Just know that everything I did, I did for you, and your dream. I know that sounds hopelessly subservient and like I'm just trying to make you feel good, but it’s true. I don't know that I've ever been able to explain it, but ever since we met, I've felt this draw to you. Like I waited my whole life to find you so I could follow you and be the strength you needed to accomplish anything.

Erwin, I hope you know that I have no regrets about following you. Just the opposite in fact. You may not have realized it – or maybe you did, you're always so damned perceptive – but you gave me a freedom I could not have achieved on my own. You gave me the wings I used to fly – literally and figuratively. With you, I had something to live for beyond just surviving through the day so I could survive through the next. I could never have enough words to tell you how grateful I am for that. You looked beyond the street thug with bad manners and saw something more, something that you thought was worth giving a chance. My whole life, no one had ever been willing to do that. Maybe all you saw that day was my strength and maybe that's all you wanted, and that's okay. I hope it was more than that. I hope what I've been sensing from you means it was more than that.

There's something you should know, and I've been too scared to tell you. Even now, I'm hesitating to write it out.

I love you, Erwin.

I'm so sorry I never told you. I've loved you for so long, and I was too much of a damned coward to say it. I hate that this is the way you'll find out. I hate that I'll never know if you feel the same way.

I love you.

Erwin, please keep living, for me. Get your answers, fulfill your dream. Learn what really lies beyond the walls. See the world, however large or small it may be. I'll be with you, standing by your side. Even if you can't see me, or feel my hand wrap around yours, I'll be there. I promise.

I love you in every lifetime, in this world, and the next, and all the others after that. I'll wait for you at the end of time.

-Levi

Erwin held the sheet of paper in his hands and stared at the words for a long time, tears streaming down his cheeks. He placed the papers on his desk and held his head in his hands as sobs wracked through his body, heaving his chest and shaking him from head to toe.

“God, Levi,” he said to the room. “I love you too. I’m sorry I never told you. Fuck, I’m so sorry.”

He let himself cry until there was nothing left, being only distantly aware of Miche and Hange taking turns to poke their heads into the room to check on him. When only miserable groans fell from his lips and his head ached with grief, he allowed himself at last to pick up the papers and turn beyond Levi’s letter. Behind it sat a much shorter one.

Erwin-

I’m leaving everything I have to you. I know up on the Surface, people would call it “my estate,” but I don’t really have anything that would amount to an actual estate. So just, my stuff. I’m leaving you my stuff. All the shit in my office can go wherever; you can even leave it for whoever takes it next for all I care. What I actually want you to have is in a small chest under my bed. It’s not locked. There isn’t a lot in there. Just my other cravats (did you know I made them from one of my mother’s old dresses? It’s the only thing I have left of her. I promise they’re clean), the Survey Corps patches I took from Furlan’s uniform after he and Isabel died (I couldn’t find the rest of Izzy’s body to take hers), and that history book you gave me for my birthday that one year. I know I made fun of you for giving me a gift of something you like, but I did read it. I read it over and over and over. It was a part of you that you gave to me. And I have cherished it so much. I hope it’s okay for me to give it back to you now.

-Levi

Erwin walked into Levi’s bedroom and found the chest under the bed. He slowly pulled the contents from it, pausing to smell one of the cravats. It still had a hint of Levi’s scent underneath the smell of soap. When he pulled the book out, he found that the cover was held up slightly by something. Pulling it open, he felt another sob catch in his throat. A thin golden ring sat pressed into the first few pages, with a twist of paper wrapped around it.

Erwin pulled the ring out and unraveled the paper. It read simply:

Even after death do us part.

I do.

Erwin slid the ring onto his finger and whispered through his sobs, “I do.”

In the darkness of the room, he had the distant sense of a kiss pressed to his lips.

#levi ackerman #erwin smith #ferricfox writes #eruri #tw: death #tw: blood #tw: grief #cw: blood #cw: death

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: okay so this has been months in the making! It all started as an unhinged convo in the discord and I took on this story as a project, despite only just starting to write fanfic again.

This story will be posted in multiple parts (it's still in progress!) But I wanted to start putting the finished parts up.

I've never written this kind of fantasy before, so I'm sorry if it sucks! 😅]]

FAMILIAR TERRITORY

Part 1

You lightly tapped your pen against the paper in front of you as your eyes drifted back to the window for the umpteenth time in the last five minutes. You were supposed to be taking notes about Victorian Literature, but with spring edging away the last dregs of winter, you could only think of being outside. Only twenty minutes left.

Your gaze was drawn rather suddenly to the window near the front of the classroom. A small black cat sat perched on the outer sill, staring intently into the room. If you didn’t know any better, you’d have thought that it seemed to be staring at you. You slowly tilted your head to the side and watched with a quiet horror as the cat did the same. After staring for another minute, you shook your head and turned your attention back to the lecture. You decided that your recent string of late nights doing homework and writing papers must have been getting to you.

You tried to focus on the professor’s words, but movement at the corner of your eye pulled your attention back to the wall of windows to your left; specifically to the pane of glass closest to you. The cat had moved and was sitting directly across from you; continuing to stare.

And it was definitely staring at you.

You forced yourself to turn away and spent the remaining minutes of the lecture desperately trying to ignore the tingling feeling seeping into your nerves. In the back of your head, you swore you could feel the unnaturally silvery eyes of the cat boring into you.

When class finally ended – the last ten minutes a veritable eternity – you sprang out of your seat and shuttled through the crowds on your way to your room. Once outside, you spotted the cat again; it was following you at a distance. People stepped around it, and you heard someone comment on the number of strays in the area. Someone bent to pet it, but it easily stepped away, eyes on you the entire time.

You slipped into a larger throng as you neared the campus centre, hoping to lose the animal. For a while, it seemed to work; you didn’t see any flashes of black fur between the bodies crowding around you. As the people dispersed in different directions at a junction in the sidewalk, you picked up your pace, speedwalking through the parking lot that separated your row of townhouses from the rest of the campus.

Just before you reached the walkway to your unit, the cat nimbly jumped in front of you, a small petulant meow breaking into the air between you.

“Holy shit!” you exclaimed, dropping your keys.

The cat settled onto the concrete of the walk and watched as you very slowly reached down to pick your keys back up. You couldn’t decide if it was because the feline made you nervous or because your gaze was held in place by some other force, but you found that you couldn’t break eye contact the entire time you bent to retrieve your lanyard.

A long silence followed as you stared each other down. Somehow, it felt like the cat creased its expression into a frown as it considered you.

“Get out of here!” you yelled out. You waved your free arm for emphasis, but the cat did not budge. “Go on!”

Another thirty seconds dripped by, slow as molasses.

“Fine. Suit yourself,” you huffed as you walked past and to your door.

The cat followed at your heels and slipped into your townhouse immediately behind you. You shut and locked the door, setting your keys onto a table near the entrance. You watched as the feline jumped onto the counter in the kitchenette and spun to stare at you again. You slipped your shoes off, set your backpack down on the couch, and stepped to the refrigerator.

“I guess you’re probably hungry, huh?” You rummaged in the fridge and pulled out a can of tuna. “Well, all I’ve got that’s remotely cat-friendly is tuna fish, so I hope you don’t mind being a cliche.”

You popped the can open and set it on the counter. Steely eyes watched you for a moment before the cat leaned down and gingerly took a bite. You heard what sounded very near to a scoff before it continued to eat. You sighed and sat on a barstool in front of the counter.

“You’re kind of a weird cat. Stalking people. Staring at them with that look like you might eat them or something.” You slid your hand up to cradle your chin as you watched it eat.

Another scoff-sounding noise came from the animal between bites.

“Look, you can’t really stay here, you know?” You drummed your free hand on the countertop. “I’m not allowed to have pets in campus housing.”

When it finished with the can, the cat sat again and returned to staring at you with its icy grey eyes. The intensity of its gaze half convinced you that it was debating saying something. Some part of you wondered how surprised you would be if it started talking, right there on the countertop.

“Right…” you murmured uneasily. “You can at least stay the night, I guess. The shelter’s probably closed by now, anyway.”

The cat swished its tail and you heaved an exasperated sigh.

“Okay. Well, I have homework to do. I can’t exactly spend all night talking to you like you understand me.” You hauled yourself off the stool, grabbed your backpack, and walked to your room upstairs. You were unsurprised to find that the cat followed close behind.

With your bedroom door closed and the curtains drawn, you slipped out of your day clothes and into a loose t-shirt and shorts. You sat at your desk, woke your computer up, and opened a playlist you liked to listen to when you did homework; instrumental music that was upbeat enough to keep you energized. The lack of lyrics helped ensure you wouldn’t get distracted by the background noise.

You started in on your homework, spending the first couple of hours picking your way through the stuff from your core classes first. A light tap on your door startled you from your concentration.

“Is that you, Casey?” you called out, pausing your playlist.

“Hey, roomie,” your roommate said as she pressed the door open and poked her head through. “You’ve been up here for hours and didn’t come down for dinner, so I bought you some of the stir fry I made.”

Casey carried in a plastic plate of food – comprised mainly of fried rice – and set it down on your desk. She fished a spoon and chopsticks from the back pocket of her jeans and set them down next to the plate. She glanced around the room, her eyes pulled to the uncharacteristically black mass on your pale blue bedspread and let out a startled shout. You twirled around in your chair to catch the nightshine of your new companion staring back.

“Is that…a cat?” Casey asked, placing a hand to her chest as though to steady her breathing.

“Oh, yeah.” You turned back and spooned a mouthful of rice into your mouth. “It followed me back home earlier. Not really sure why, but it doesn’t seem to want to leave my side.”

“Well, it’s cute at least,” Casey said, recovered enough to give the animal a little wave. She nudged your shoulder with a wink. “I think you should keep it. I won’t tell if you won’t!”

“Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, okay?” you said with a laugh. “It’s probably someone’s cat that got out or something.”

“Well, I’m just saying: if you decide to keep it, I’ve got your back,” Casey said. She placed a hand on your shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Anyway, it’s late and I’m going to bed. Don’t stay up too late!”

You waved as your roommate closed the door. Another spoon of rice made its way to your mouth and you spun in your chair to face the cat. It was staring at you again, the nightshine of its eyes capturing your gaze. You struggled to blink and look away, your nerves pricking up again.

“Look, I don’t have a cat bed, obviously, so you can sleep at the foot of my bed.” You gestured with your spoon. “If you try to attack my feet in the middle of the night, though, I’m going to lock you in the closet. And would you mind not staring at me constantly? It’s pretty creepy."

You spun back around and started on your calculus homework, interspersing the scratches of your pen with spoonfuls of rice before you finally found the vegetables and meat hidden underneath. After another half hour or so, a bored-sounding baritone voice broke into the room.

“So, are you going to give me my name, or what?”

Your pen scratched to a halt on the page in front of you, your every nerve instantly on edge. Slowly, you spun back around to face the cat. It stared, not moving beyond a flick of the tail.

“Uhm…” Your mind raced, trying to form a coherent string of words. “Cat? Did… you just talk?”

“Does it look like there’s anyone else in this room?”

As the cat spoke, you watched its mouth open and move very similarly to a human mouth. You felt your head get fuzzy with realization as you struggled to process what you were seeing.

“So? My name?” the cat repeated.

“I’m not sure… what? Why?”

“The summoning ritual isn’t complete until you give me my name, idiot.” The cat scoffed. “What kind of witch are you?”

“Summoning ritual?”

You suddenly remembered the ‘spell’ you had copied out from an old dusty book you’d found in the library the other day. You’d been writing a paper on pagan rituals in Victorian literature and you’d chanted the ritual out late at night, just for fun. You’d thought the rhyme had sounded menacing, almost macabre, and you’d used an exaggerated theatre voice when reciting it. It had just been for fun, or so you had thought. Now, staring at the cat that had been talking to you just a moment before, the gravity of the realization was enough to make you jump from your chair.

“That was a real spell?!” You struggled to push your volume down to avoid waking your roommate.

“Of course,” the cat deadpanned. “What did you think? Someone wrote it down for fun?”

“Well, yes!” you countered. “It’s not as though… look, I wanted to use it for my lit paper. I didn’t think it was a real spell…” You paced tight circles as you thought. “So um… if I give you a name, then what? You said it completes the ritual but what di–”

“It binds me to you as your familiar, yes.”

Somehow, it seemed like the cat sounded more annoyed every time it spoke. You walked over to the bed and sat down next to it. The animal turned to look at you, tail swishing impatiently as it waited. You considered your options for a long moment, chewing your bottom lip.

“Look, you’re clearly not prepared for this,” the cat said with a click of the tongue. “Just speak the release spell and I’ll–”

“Levi!” you blurted. “Your name is Levi.”

You watched the cat freeze, and a flicker in his eyes seemed to suggest some kind of change passing through him. You tilted your head to better watch his face and waited.

“Levi,” the cat said at last, tail swishing up into a broad circle. “I’m now bound to you through the spell. As your familiar, I will protect and advise you for as long as we both live or until you recite the release spell.”

You released the breath you didn’t realize you were holding, shoulders sagging with the exhale. Levi stared at you as though waiting for further instructions. You opened and closed your mouth, unsure what to say.

“Hey Levi?” You finally whispered, feeling ridiculous even as the words left your mouth. “Can I um… Can I pet you?”

“Yes,” Levi replied simply. “Just don’t touch my underside, or I will bite you.”

“Noted.”

You slowly reached your hand out and ran your fingers through Levi’s fur, rubbing behind one ear. On contact, you could swear you felt a vague tingling, like electricity, shoot through your arm and nestle in your chest. The sensation brought the prickle of tears to your eyes as your fingers relished in the silk-soft fur.

Levi leaned into your touch, letting out a deep groan that melted into a loud purring. As you moved your hand to scratch at his cheek, the noise got louder, filling out to the corners of the room.

“Your hands, they’re…” Levi hesitated, his eyes scrunched in concentration as if he was struggling to put his thoughts together. “Your hands are very soft.”

“So’s your fur.” You curled your hand and ran the backs of your fingers slowly down his back, smiling as Levi arched in response. You ran your hand back up towards his shoulders, ruffling the fur along the way before flattening out your palm and smoothing it back into place on the way to his tail. With each pass, Levi let out a soft moan that broke through the purring, his body arching and dipping in tandem with your strokes.

You chuckled softly to yourself, and Levi stiffened under your hand.

“What’s so damn funny all of a sudden?” he asked, pulling away and shaking his head.

“I was just thinking about how I’d better get a really good grade on that paper if I managed to summon a real life familiar whilst writing it.”

You reached out your hand towards Levi again but he sidestepped out of the way, huffing as he moved.

“Nice to see you take the contract seriously,” he muttered.

“Oh come on, I was just joking. Don’t be so grouchy.”

You yawned, stretching to expand your lungs.

“Hey, I gotta get some sleep, okay?” You stood up and walked to your desk and flipped your laptop closed before opening the door. “I’m gonna brush my teeth. I’ll be right back.”

Whilst you were in the bathroom, you thought about the spell you’d recited and the old book you’d pulled it from. Part of you wondered if all of the spells in it were real. Another part of you wondered if you were a witch now that you had a familiar.

When you returned to your room, you found Levi at the foot of the bed, curled into a tight ball, watching you. You turned off the light, shimmied out of your shorts, and slipped under the covers.

“Goodnight Levi,” you mumbled as sleep slipped in beside you.

Silence settled into the room, and you wondered briefly if he’d already fallen asleep.

“Goodnight,” Levi muttered finally. A soft smile settled on your lips as you dozed off.

#levi ackerman #kitty!levi #ferricfox writes

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: just a short little blurble about Eruri being soft, inspired by a convo on the discord. No warnings, just fluff.

@levmada sorry it's late but here you go]]

STALWART

The first time Levi stayed in Erwin’s room, he sat on the end of the bed, nervous and unsettled. Erwin came behind him, wrapping his arms tightly around Levi's chest, pressing his own to Levi’s back. He meant the embrace to soothe Levi’s nervousness, to make him comfortable. Instead of relaxing into him, Levi immediately tensed and struggled against his hold.

"No!" Levi shouted. He ducked his head, ready to reel backwards into Erwin's face.

Erwin managed to dodge the hit in time and let Levi go, hands up in surrender. He tried to ignore the cold sweat prickling along his shoulder blades. Levi rose to his feet and spun around, fists raised and eyes wild.

"Hey, Levi, you're okay, it’s okay," Erwin whispered as gently as he could. "You're okay. I'm sorry."

Levi remained ready for a counterattack for an agonizingly long moment before his shoulders and head sagged. Erwin thought he looked so much smaller in that one moment and felt his heart ache for the man.

“I’m sorry.” It was barely a whisper. Erwin wasn’t sure he’d heard it until Levi raised his eyes again, waiting.

“It’s okay.” Erwin lowered his hands slowly and pressed his palms into the bed. “No need to apologize.”

“I… I can leave if you want. If I… ruined things,” Levi kept his gaze steady on Erwin’s, though it was clear he wanted more than anything to look away.

Erwin considered Levi’s expression for a moment before extending his hand with a gentle smile.

“I’d like you to stay. If you still want to.”

Levi’s eyes widened slightly and he hesitated briefly before he reached out his own hand to place in the one held out. He let Erwin gently pull him back to the bed, but instead of sitting next to him, Levi placed himself in Erwin’s lap, pulling a gasp from him. Slowly, Levi guided Erwin’s hands, one to wrap around his back and settle on his thigh, and the other around his middle, the hand resting on the forearm pressing into his spine. Once he adjusted himself in the light embrace, Levi settled his head on Erwin’s chest.

“I’m sorry,” he said again.

Erwin, still catching his breath from the tenderness Levi had just gifted him, shook his head.

“I should have asked.” Erwin breathed in deeply to absorb Levi’s soft scent. “I should be more cognizant of your boundaries.”

They sat silent for a long while, absorbing each other’s warmth.

“This is okay,” Levi said at last. “Just… not so tight, okay? Not yet.”

“This is perfect for me,” Erwin replied, leaning to press a kiss to the top of Levi’s head, earning him a contented hum in return.

***

Levi was restless. Another day of shitty meetings and training and paperwork made him start to count down the minutes before he could leave his office and head to Erwin’s quarters. He struggled to hold his impassive expression as another document for him to review was brought to his office; late by several hours. He was livid, but didn’t let it show as the poor sap bringing it to him offered profuse apologies.

Levi waited another couple of minutes after his door was closed before he extinguished the lamp in his office and left, locking the door behind him. He forced himself to control his steps and not appear as though he desperately wanted to rush down the hallway to the officers’ quarters.

He entered Erwin’s room without knocking and shut the door behind him, clicking the lock into place. He noted that Erwin was in the adjoining bathroom, so he walked to the window and waited, arms crossed. He buried himself in his thoughts, pacing in his mind as he worked his way through the events of the day. He hated bringing his stresses to Erwin’s room, and he wanted to deposit them on the side of his consciousness quickly.

He was startled from his thoughts by thick, strong arms wrapping around his torso, and the feeling of a broad chest, slightly damp from the shower, pressed into his back. At the feeling of the embrace, Levi relaxed, melting into it and letting his hands wander up to trace the veins of the arms around him.

“You’re stressed,” Erwin muttered in his ear.

Levi hummed and leaned his head back into Erwin’s chest.

“Come on, then.”

Erwin guided Levi backwards, still wrapped in his arms, towards the bed. They stepped in a practiced unison, strides matching until Erwin’s legs bumped the bed. He briefly let go of Levi so he could unbutton and set aside his shirt, and then pulled him into his lap and swallowed Levi up in another embrace. Levi felt his shoulders relax, and he leaned his head into Erwin’s shoulder, inhaling the scent of soap and soaking up the heat of the water from his skin.

Silence permeated into the room. Levi immersed himself in it, feeling the safety of the anchor wrapped around his body. He lightly nuzzled Erwin’s bicep with his cheek, enjoying the gentle friction of skin on skin. He felt himself start to get drowsy when he heard Erwin chuckle in his ear, perking him back up.

“What’s so funny?”

“I remember a time when you wouldn’t let me hold you like this,” Erwin said. He pressed his nose into Levi’s hair and hummed contentedly.

“That was months ago,” Levi retorted.

“I know. But you tried to beat me up that first time.”

“I said I was sorry.”

“I’m just teasing.” Erwin pressed a kiss into Levi’s hair. “What changed, by the way?”

Levi was quiet for a moment, his gaze distant. Then he turned his head up to face Erwin, his expression soft and endearing.

“I came to realize that this is where I feel safest. Just like this.”

Erwin stared at him, eyes wide, a blush creeping onto his cheeks despite himself. He moved one of his hands to cup Levi’s cheek and pulled him in for a kiss, soft and slow.

“I’m so glad, Levi,” Erwin whispered against his lips. He felt the faint prickle of tears at the edges of his eyes. “I’m so very glad.”

#eruri #levi ackerman #erwin smith #ferricfox writes

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: here's part two! It's more goofiness. We'll get to more interesting stuff soon]]

FAMILIAR TERRITORY

Links: Part One

PART TWO

In the morning, you woke up to find Levi sitting at the window, watching people mill about outside.

“Mmm…” you groaned as you rubbed sleep from your eyes. “G’morning, Levi.”

“It’s about time you woke up,” Levi said. He stretched deeply, dipping his back downwards and tipping his bum up.

“How long have you been awake?”

“Three hours. I couldn’t sleep.”

You stood up and walked to the window and scratched behind one ear. Levi leaned into the touch even as he scoffed.

“Aw, sorry,” you cooed. “Hopefully you can get some rest whilst I’m in class today.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Levi swatted your hand away. “I’m not going to be staying here. I’m your familiar, not a common housecat. I’m following you.”

“Levi, you can’t come into the classrooms with me - animals aren’t allowed.”

You started to undress to get ready for the day. As you pulled your shirt over your head, you watched as Levi’s eyes briefly grew wide before he quickly turned his head back to the window. You resisted the urge to laugh at his bashfulness.

“Then I’ll stay outside and keep an eye on you through the windows,” he said. “Like I did yesterday.”

“Don’t you think people will think it’s weird for a cat to hang out on the window sill, lurking around like a creeper?”

Levi shot you a look that you swore carried disgust. You paused in slipping your clean shirt over your head, raising an eyebrow as you watched his gaze travel down to your bra. When he glanced up again and caught your expression, he turned away again.

“I’m coming. Argument over,” he declared.

You shimmied into a pair of shorts and sighed as you buttoned them closed.

“Fine. Suit yourself. Just don’t blame me if some grounds keeper calls animal control on you or something.”

You turned around, opened your bedroom door, and grabbed your backpack to head downstairs. Levi followed close at your heels.

Downstairs, Casey was nursing a cup of coffee whilst picking over a muffin. She smiled as you came in and poured yourself a mug of coffee.

“Good morning, sunshine,” she sang lightly. She reached to pat Levi’s head as he jumped onto the countertop. “And good morning, little kitty.”

“His name is Levi,” you said as you set down a can of tuna for him. “I named him last night.”

“Wait, really?” Casey gawked at you as you sipped your coffee. “Didn’t you say that he’s probably someone’s cat? Shouldn’t we bring it to the shelter and check for a chip?”

You thought for a moment, trying to come up with an excuse to avoid bringing Levi to the shelter or a store. You settled for shrugging your shoulders and sipping your coffee again.

“Honestly, the more I think about it, the more I don’t think he is someone’s cat. He’s way too small and skinny for a housecat, and he doesn’t behave like one. None of my friend’s cats ever just followed someone home for no reason. We can still check, though. It’s probably a good idea.”

“Yeah, that’s a good point,” Casey said thoughtfully. “We can go after class tonight.”

“About that.” You leaned forward and pinched a piece of your roommate’s muffin and popped it into your mouth. “He’s super clingy with me; I could hardly even go to the bathroom without him trying to follow me. I’m kind of worried he’s going to try to follow me to class.”

Levi shot you a look from where he sat eating.

“Just let him, I say.” Casey shrugged her shoulders. “He’ll learn pretty quickly when a janitor tries to swat him out with a broom or something.”

“I guess so.” You chugged the rest of your coffee and rinsed the mug in the sink before setting it aside to dry. “In any case, for now his name is Levi, unless and until we discover he’s chipped.”

“It’s a cute name,” Casey said, reaching to scratch between the cat’s shoulders. “Little Levi!”

You giggled as you watched her tap his nose. Levi shook his head and swished his tail, then thumped it on the countertop.

“I’m going to head out,” you said, hiking your pack up on your shoulders. You walked to the door and grabbed your keys. “See you later!”

Casey waved at you as you stepped out. Levi followed, keeping by your side.

“Little Levi,” he scoffed. “Should have scratched her hand right there.”

“Relax,” you said. You wondered briefly if you should act like you were talking on your phone so that people walking past you wouldn’t realize you were talking with a cat. “You’re a cute cat. What do you expect?”

“Tch.”

“Look, you can’t be walking right by my side all day like you’re my pet. People are going to think that I smuggled you onto campus or something.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Levi said. “I won’t be far. If you need me, just shout my name, and I’ll come to you.”

You watched from the corner of your eye as Levi banked wide through a crowd of feet and disappeared into nearby bushes. Someone nearby squealed that they felt something touch their leg.

You sighed heavily. How on Earth were you going to keep your head on your classes when you knew that Levi was going to be close by, watching you? You had a hard enough time yesterday when you weren’t sure that you were the object of his attention. Now that you knew that he would be watching you and that he was going to follow you home and… Well. It was going to be a trying day.

***

Your classes inched by, and you found yourself constantly glancing towards the window of whatever room you were in, trying to spot Levi. Somehow, the black cat managed to disappear quite well, despite the bright sun of the day. Still, your gaze frequently drifted sideways, scanning the outer sill, bushes, and trees for a hint of silver eyes.

It wasn’t until you were in Calculus that you finally glimpsed him, sitting on a nearby dumpster with a mouse in his mouth. You grimaced at the sight and turned your head back, trying to focus on the lecture. Despite your best efforts, you found it nearly impossible to completely ignore him as he carefully picked it apart on top of the dumpster. When your morbid curiosity drew your attention back to him, you found that he had placed the mouse on a large leaf of some kind – likely from a plant the landscaping crew put in – as though it were a plate.

“He may be a cat,” you thought. “But he has got to be the weirdest cat I’ve ever seen.”

At the end of your classes for the day, you stopped at the campus cafe and grabbed a coffee before walking back to your townhouse. Once outside, you glanced around, looking for Levi, but discovered he was still out of sight. Part of you felt relieved, and you wondered if he had found a better way to follow you at a distance. You were still lost in thought, raising your coffee cup to your lips, when a hand snaked casually around your waist, startling a shout from your lips.

“Sshh,” you heard Levi’s voice next to your ear. Chills raced down your spine, halting you in place. “Don’t draw attention.”

Your neck twisted haltingly like a broken marionette to see a young man about your height, with black hair cut short and an undercut skating down the back of his head to his neck. Silver eyes returned your stare, somewhere between bored and annoyed. Pointed cat ears sat atop his head, and they flicked slightly as you gaped at him.

You couldn’t help but let your eyes travel from his face down his slender neck and to his body. Toned muscle hid beneath a plain grey button-down shirt, and black pants trailed downward to meet black loafers. You peeked quickly behind his back to see if a tail poked out from his pants – nothing.

“Le-Levi?”

“Who else would it be?” Levi muttered. He gently pushed on your back with his hand, ushering you along and away from the small clusters of people who had stopped to look on.

“But… how?! What –?” you stammered, your voice rising in pitch as you struggled not to short circuit.

Before you could ask another question, Levi stopped, spun you to face him, cupped your cheeks in his hands, and captured your lips with his own. You let out a startled shriek against his mouth, dropping your coffee in surprise. As he kept his lips pressed to yours, you found yourself growing intoxicated by how soft and plump they were. Recovering from the shock, you placed one hand around Levi’s neck and returned the kiss, losing yourself in the warmth that spread down your throat and into your chest.

A soft moan vibrated against your mouth before Levi abruptly pulled away, his cheeks flaring red. You looked into his eyes, breathless and confused.

“Get a room!” someone shouted distantly.

“We’ll talk about it when we get back to your apartment, alright?” he said, his voice husky. He shifted his eyes away to avoid yours.

“Uhm, yeah. Sure,” you whispered.

Levi wrapped his arm back around your waist and guided you in a daze towards your townhouse. Once inside, you locked the door and dropped your keys. You watched in bewilderment as Levi walked over to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of juice and drank deeply from it. You felt confusion and frustration simmering up from deep in your belly even as you became mesmerized in the bob of his Adam’s apple.

“Okay, what the actual fuck?” you shouted, reaching your limit and stomping into the kitchenette.

“I don’t know where your drinking glasses are,” Levi said simply, as though that was the issue here. He tipped the bottle back to his lips and drank the rest of the juice. You caught yourself staring at each contraction of muscle in his throat as he gulped it down.

“Not what I meant!” You held a hand to your temple and pinched your eyes shut.

“You’re not going to tell me you didn’t know that familiars can shapeshift to blend in, are you?” Levi scoffed when he was met with your dumbfounded silence. “Unbelievable. You might be the worst witch I’ve ever heard of.”

“I told you - I didn’t know it was a real spell! I don’t even know if I am a witch!” You felt like you were fighting a current of madness as you struggled to make sense of what he was saying. “I recited that stupid spell for fun – I didn’t think anything would come of it. So no, Levi, I did not know that you could shapeshift. Any other powers you want to tell me about? Laser eyes? Fireballs from your fingertips?”

“Don’t be stupid,” Levi scoffed again. “Obviously I can’t do those things.”

“Fine, whatever. Okay, you can shapeshift. Excellent.” You slumped into a chair, watching Levi as he searched the cupboards for a trash bin for the now-empty juice bottle. “Hey, why do you still have your cat ears?” You pointed to the top of Levi’s head; one pointed ear instinctively twitched.

“I like my ears,” Levi said quickly and then stammered slightly, a blush returning to his cheeks. “What I mean is… I can hear better with them. Human ears are terrible; too much sound gets muddied.”

You hummed in response and watched as he finally found the bin, both ears perking up triumphantly as he dumped the bottle into it.

“Hey Levi?” you whispered.

“Huh?” Levi turned back to face you, one ear twitching.

“Can I touch them? Your ears, I mean? I wanna feel what they’re like when you’re human.”

You watched the flush on his cheeks deepen and tumble down his neck with a certain amount of amusement. Instead of responding, Levi walked over to where you sat and knelt down, bowing his head slightly to present his ears to you.

“Just be gentle,” he muttered.

You slowly reached your hands up, fingers spread. Just as your fingertips grazed the ends of the soft hairs, the ears twitched, and you drew back, hesitant. An impatient grunt from Levi convinced you to ease your hands forward, and your fingers gently wrapped around them.

“They’re almost softer than yesterday,” you marvelled quietly. You rounded your hands to better cup the ears, gently rubbing vertical lines into black silk.

A soft buzzing drifted into the room, vibrating into your fingers and lighting up every nerve on its way to your brain. You felt dazed and distant for a moment before you were able to focus your eyes on Levi again, finding his eyes closed and his lips parted slightly. That buzzing, you realized, came from those lips, and you watched as he shifted to slightly arch his back. He leaned his head into your right hand and the noise grew louder.

“Are you… purring?” you asked, at once brimming with embarrassment and pride.

Levi’s eyes immediately shot open and he batted your hands from his head as he twisted away from you.

“You were, weren’t you?” You chuckled and craned your body around Levi’s hunched shoulders to view the deep crimson blooming onto his cheeks.

“What’s it to you?” Levi demanded, folding his arms and glaring at the floor to avoid your gaze. “Is it really so funny?”

“I wasn’t laughing to make fun of you. I was just surprised.” You held your hands up in a show of goodwill.

Silence crept into the room, holding both your voices captive for some time before Levi peeked at you over his shoulder, muttering something just barely inaudible.

“What did you say?” You leaned forward to try to hear him better.

“I said I couldn’t help the purring.” Levi turned to face you again, his eyes shining with something like need. He grabbed one of your hands and brought it back to his ear, guiding your fingers back into the long, vertical strokes you had done before. “It… feels really good.”

You smiled warmly as you continued to rub the ear, enjoying the feeling beneath your fingertips. A soft purring poured into the room again, and when you glanced down to Levi’s face, you found him staring at you, silver eyes boring into your own. It almost felt like he was stripping away any guards and barriers you had, leaving you bare before him. You lost yourself in that silver glint, captive and compelled.

Slowly, Levi fully turned himself and leaned into you, shifting his head into your lap, one cheek pressed into the meat of your thigh. His eyes closed when you shifted one hand to rub at the soft bristle of his undercut whilst the other continued to play with his ear. Levi wrapped his arms around your leg, his hands kneading into your calf.

The purring became louder, echoing through your bones as they radiated out from the epicentre in your thigh. You felt a tight warmth bloom in your belly as you watched Levi in your lap, seeming to unravel under your touch.

Suddenly, the lock of your apartment jiggled, signaling the return of your roommate. You snapped your gaze towards the door, frantically trying to come up with some lie about why you had a boy with cat ears in your lap. As your mind raced, a heaviness spread out over the top of your legs and you looked down to see that Levi had returned to his cat form, nestled into a small black loaf. He gave you a pointed stare and you returned to petting him, trying to look natural as Casey burst into the townhouse with a theatrical sigh.

“Thank the entire Greek Pantheon it’s Friday!” she declared loudly, shifting the door closed with a bump from her hip. Seeing you sitting in the kitchen, definitely looking natural, she cocked an eyebrow and said, “You look like you’re trying to hold in a shit you’ve already been brewing for three days.”

From your lap, Levi let out a small stifled laugh. Thankfully, it sounded somewhat like a sneeze and therefore unlikely to arouse suspicion. Still, you squeezed his ear slightly to keep him quiet.

“Sorry,” you said, frowning. “Levi was kneading my legs really hard just before you walked in, and it still kind of hurts.”

Levi lifted his head and shot you a look that you tried very hard to ignore. He pressed one paw’s claws slightly into your leg, making you flinch.

“Hey, I get it,” Casey said. She flung her bag to the couch with surprising accuracy. “My aunt’s cat did that all the time. Supposedly it means they really like you or something, but I always hated it.”

“Yeah,” you muttered, still ignoring Levi’s stare.

“Anyway, let’s go check for a chip, huh?” Casey jabbed her thumb towards the door behind her. “I just found out I have to go home for the weekend – cousin’s birthday party.”

“You’re leaving me all alone again?” You picked Levi up off your lap and set him on the floor. As soon as you stood up, he wrapped his tail around you and let out a long, pathetic meow! You sighed and picked him back up, cradling him against your chest. He nuzzled his head into your neck and purred loudly. Under the purr, you could swear you heard him whisper, Don’t want you to let me go yet.

“You won’t be alone,” Casey said, opening the door for you. “You’ll have your new best friend here to keep you company!”

#levi ackerman #kitty!levi #ferricfox writes

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theferricfox · 2 years ago

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[[A/N: Oops, it's time for a Kuchel Lived! AU that sprouted in the discord and grew into my brain. Inspired by a convo @happybird16 started this morning.

Honestly, I shouldn't be allowed to have days where the samples I make have long mixing times; I can't control myself.

Content warnings: illness, death, mentions of prostitution/sex work

A FIELD FULL OF DAISIES

Momma’s cough had gotten worse again, and Levi couldn’t get her out of bed. Try as he might to pull or push her into a sitting position, he was just too small, too weak to manage it. He became afraid that he hurt her in his efforts; she’d groaned and grunted, and a weak and heavy sigh puffed from her lips when he gave up and sat down next to her again.

“Momma, you need to sit up,” Levi whined. He didn’t know what was wrong with her, but he was convinced that laying down all day wasn’t helping. She already hadn’t eaten for three days, and her already slim figure was shrinking further.

A bony hand softly patted his knee.

“I will soon, honey. Momma just needs to rest a little, okay?”

It was the same thing she’d said yesterday.

Levi decided to return to the task he’d started last night: scrubbing their tiny living space into the closest approximation of cleanliness he could manage. If he could just make everything clean, Momma would surely get better. Filth was probably what made her sick, and even if he couldn’t understand the sickness, he could definitely clean until it couldn’t hurt her anymore.

He pulled out their little bucket of supplies and a rag, still damp from yesterday’s work, and set to task in the little bathroom, standing on the very tips of his toes to reach the front area of the sink. Unable to reach into the basin, he walked into the bedroom and grabbed the little stool he used as a table for eating and dragged it into the bathroom. One leg was a little shorter than the others, so he had to balance very carefully when he climbed onto it, his toes gripping the edges of the little round circumference.

Even on the stool, he had to stretch to reach into the basin of the sink, and he held on with one arm as he scrubbed with the tips of his fingers. To get to the far back, he had to stand on the tips of his toes again, and the stool tipped on its shortened leg and sent him tumbling to the floor with a cry. He landed hard on his butt and scraped his elbow and felt tears well up as pain surged through his little body.

“Ooowww,” he moaned, rubbing his elbow. “Momma! I fell!”

He waited, hoping she would come to soothe him. Wondering if maybe this would get her out of bed, but he was left alone on the floor, crying. She always helped him when he got hurt. She must be really, really sick. That meant he had to be strong for her. He had to be a big boy, and that meant no more tears, no more complaining about scrapes and bumps. Momma never complained when the men left marks on her. She cried, sure, when she thought he was asleep, but never complained and asked for someone to kiss and make it better. Now he would have to do the same.

He wiped his tears away with the back of his hand and stood up. The stool was thoroughly broken now; the short leg not so much snapped as crunched inwards from a combination of the damp rot in the wood and the weight of his body when he fell. He decided the rest of the sink would have to wait.

Later that night, with his fingers rubbed raw and his stomach growling, he ventured out of their room into the main hall and went to the man at the desk. He reached up and waved to get the man’s attention, and nearly ran away in fear when he loomed over the top of the wood to stare at him.

“What the hell d’you want?” the man asked. “I told your mother you could stay here as long as she always accompanied you. It’s bad for business, you know? Seeing a little kid here.”

“Momma’s sick!” Levi shouted over the noise in the room. “She needs something to make her better!”

“You need money for that, kid.” The man spit off to the side and Levi cringed. “If you ain’t got money, you don’t get shit.”

Levi thought for a minute, did he have money? He saw Momma give pieces of paper to people for their food or when they went to the bathhouse. But he didn’t have any of those.

“Hey,” a man said, standing next to Levi very suddenly. “I’m looking for Kuchel.”

“Kuchel? You mean Olympia? She ain’t for sale anymore. Apparently, she’s sick. But I can hook you up with another girl, eh?”

The man grimaced and Levi acted before he knew what he was doing. He knew Momma’s name was Kuchel, and this man was looking for her! Maybe he could help.

“Hey Mister!” Levi grabbed the man’s long coat. He reminded himself to be strong when the tall man bent down with a deep frown on his face. “You’re looking for Kuchel, right? She’s my Momma! Come on! I’ll bring you to her!”

He pulled on the coat and was relieved when the man allowed himself to be led down the hallway to their little room. Momma was having another one of her coughing fits when he closed the door behind the man.

“Damn, Kuchel,” the man said, leaning over the bed. “You look like shit.”

“Kenny?” Momma asked softly between coughs. “What are you doing here?”

“Do I really need a reason?” the man called Kenny asked.

“There is always a reason with you, Kenny,” Momma said.

Levi watched them talk, not quite understanding everything they talked about. He wanted to ask so many questions. Who was he? How did he know Momma? Why did he come see her?

When Momma got too tired to talk anymore, Kenny reached down and patted him roughly on the head.

“I’ll go get a doctor for her, okay kid?”

He walked away without another word. Levi sat on the floor across from the bed and waited. He didn’t know how long he waited, but he did count the number of times his stomach growled from hunger. Forty-three.

The doctor came after growl number forty-three and did some stuff to Momma whilst Levi looked on. Kenny stood in the corner of the room, arms folded, watching. The doctor put something into Momma’s arm and she groaned. Levi wanted to say something, to tell him to stop hurting her, but the look on Kenny’s face told him to stay still and keep quiet. As he left, the doctor held a bag of something out to Kenny and told him, “Twice a day. Make sure she eats.”

Kenny put the bag on the little table that held the oil lamp – almost dry now, since Momma hadn’t been out of bed long enough to buy oil – and patted her head.

“She’ll be okay, kid.” His voice sounded softer than it did earlier, even if it was still rough. “Let’s let her rest and I’ll buy you something to eat, huh?”

Levi let Kenny lead him out of the room, but not before he scrambled onto the bed and gave Momma a kiss on her cheek and told her he would be back soon. Kenny didn’t hold his hand like Momma did when she took him out, so Levi held onto his coat.

Kenny brought him to a place that was barely a pub. All the chairs and tables were outside on the street and the owner and kitchen and bar were behind a counter that Levi could barely see over the top of. When the order had been placed, Kenny guided him to a table with a chair he had to climb to get into.

“You sure are a short little runt, ain’t you?” Kenny said as he sat down. “What’s your name, anyway?”

“Levi,” Levi said quickly, drumming his fingers on the table.

“No last name?”

“No. Just Levi.”

“Probably smart,” Kenny said, though Levi could tell he wasn’t saying it to him. “Well then, I’m Kenny. Just Kenny.”

“Thanks for helping my Momma, Kenny,” Levi said. He looked at the man and saw the tiniest hint of a smile on his face.

“Sure.”

Food arrived, and Levi found himself confronted with a big plate of dinner rolls and stew and almost keeled over in shock from the sight of it all. Kenny was handed a glass with brown liquid in it.

“They didn’t give us another spoon for the stew,” Levi commented. He stood up on the chair and raised his hand to call the server back.

“Stop that!” Kenny pulled him back down, a rough hand on his shoulder. “We don’t need two spoons. What the hell are you talking about?”

“To share?” Levi said, pointing to the stew. He didn’t understand how Kenny didn’t know what he meant. He and Momma always got two spoons.

“It’s all for you, idiot,” Kenny said. “Doesn’t Kuchel feed you? Maybe that’s why you’re so small.”

“Momma gives me food!” Levi protested, arms crossed and trying his best to look angry. “But she doesn’t have a lot of money, so we always share.”

Kenny only hummed in response before gesturing roughly to the stew and bread.

“Well, that’s all for you. Don’t let it get cold.”

Levi ate ravenously. All forty-three stomach growls got satisfied with the biggest bowl of stew he’d ever had and two rolls. He saved one for Momma.

When he was full to bursting and picking his crumbs off the table, he looked back up at Kenny, who had watched him silently whilst drinking his brown liquid.

“Hey Kenny?” Levi reminded himself not to be scared to ask the question burning in his head. He was a big boy. He had to be strong.

“Yeah?”

“Can you teach me to be strong and make money so I can protect Momma and make sure she doesn’t get sick again?”

Kenny stared at him with wide eyes for a long moment, a frown on his face. Finally, he gulped down the rest of his drink and patted his head.

“Sure, kid.”

***

Over the following years, Kenny would take Levi out with him whilst Kuchel worked. He learned how to use a knife, how to fight. He learned how to get out of a fight, too. Kenny always told him not to show Ma the knife he’d been given as a present. He told Levi to tell her that he got in a fight with another kid or got kicked by a horse when he came home with bruises.

He could never tell if Ma believed him, but she never said anything.

When he was thirteen, Kuchel pulled out an envelope, yellow and crinkled, from a drawer in the dresser. She showed Levi all the money she’d been saving.

“I’m going to get enough money together to get you residency on the surface,” she said proudly. “It won’t be long now.”

“You’ll come with me, right?” Levi asked. He had a feeling he already knew the answer.

“Oh, my little sun,” she sighed sadly as she pulled him in for a hug. “It costs a whole lot of money to get residency. I only have enough for one of us, so you’ll be going by yourself, okay?”

Levi wanted to say there was no way he could live up there on his own, but he stayed quiet in her arms. He knew what he had to do next.

It wasn’t long after that that Levi made a name for himself in the Underground City, and he and his friends made bigger and bigger hits. He set aside money after each one, but Kuchel had been right; it was absurdly expensive to get residency up there. He knew there were more lucrative jobs he could take up, but he couldn’t risk his friend’s lives. Several years into it, when he tried to pull one off on his own, he limped back to his apartment with a broken leg and two busted ribs. He refused to go see Ma for two weeks whilst he healed.

At the start of the third week, she burst through the door, walked straight over to where he sat on the couch drinking tea, and slapped him in the face. Furlan, who had been coming out of his room to grab breakfast, turned right around and shut the door.

“Idiot!” Kuchel screamed at him. “What the hell were you thinking?”

Levi frowned at the tea spilled onto the couch and looked up at her. He had learned to keep his expression blank around others, but around Ma, he struggled. Especially when she stood in front of him, holding the hand she’d just slapped him with and tears in her eyes.

“Ma, I–”

“Shut up, Levi!” she bellowed, laying another slap on his cheek. “You know why I keep working at that disgusting brothel? So you don’t have to do shit like that. A thug! Everyone’s talking about you!”

“I told you, you should stop working there and come live here,” Levi said as evenly as he could. Tears pricked at the edges of his eyes from the welt on his cheek.

“And I told you I’m saving up so I can get you residency on the surface.” Kuchel settled down on the couch next to him with a heavy sigh. “Levi, my love, please. If you’re not going to stop doing this kind of work, then at least promise me you’ll be more careful.”

“You know there isn’t any real honest work here,” Levi responded. “We have to do what we can to survive.”

“I know, angel,” Kuchel said. She placed a hand on his thigh and looked at him earnestly. “I know. Just please; be careful.”

“Sure, Ma.”

She stayed the night, and he’d asked Furlan to buy something from the market to cook. He knew it was the first good meal Kuchel had had in a while, even if she didn’t say it. At least she looked a little more filled out and healthy than before he’d moved out. Now that they didn’t have to share a single plate of food, she could eat more, even if it was still shitty and half rotten.

One morning nearly a year later over tea, Kuchel held out the envelope of money to Levi. He could tell it was considerably larger than it had been the last time he’d seen it.

“I’ve saved up enough for you, Levi.” It was a triumphant declaration, and Ma had hope in her eyes. “Now you can go live up there, where the sun shines just as brightly as you do.”

Levi barely thought before pushing the envelope back to her.

“I can’t. I have a big job coming up,” he said plainly, trying to hide behind his teacup from the look of heartbreak on her face.

“Levi, with this, you don’t have to do any more jobs down here! You can go start a new life!”

“Ma, what would you do if you could live on the surface?” Levi asked in response.

The question caught her off guard, and she took a long moment to answer.

“I’d open a flower shop, I think,” she said finally. She rested her head in one hand, gaze turning dreamy. “With flowers so pretty and colourful and fresh, and I’d make special arrangements for big events.”

“With this job, there’s a chance we can both go live on the surface. And Izzy and Furlan, too. And you would be able to keep your money and open your shop.”

She shifted startled eyes towards him, pulled out of her daydream.

“Are you serious?”

“Of course, Ma. Have I ever been anything else?” He sipped the last of his tea and placed his teacup down.

“Oh, I remember a time when you were a goofy little boy!” Kuchel leaned over and ruffled his hair, making him groan.

“I’m serious, Ma.” Levi batted her hand away and fixed his hair. “But it’s dangerous, and it might take a while before it’s done. I don’t want you to get involved in any way.”

“But–”

“And I want you to leave the brothel and stay here.” Levi stood and walked to his mother, pressing a soft kiss into her hair and dropping the apartment’s key on the table in front of her. “Wait for me to come back, and then we’ll live on the surface together.”

***

After the deaths of Isabel and Furlan, Levi was at odds with himself. He was committed to following Erwin, but his ghosts knocked on the door of his dreams every night, placing the blame at his feet. Weeks went by before he remembered his promise.

Levi entered Erwin’s office without knocking, but the taller man didn’t seem surprised by the intrusion. Indeed, the look on his face suggested he had been waiting for this moment.

“What can I do for you, Levi?” Erwin asked evenly. He shuffled the papers he had been working on to the side, granting his full attention to the conversation.

“I need your help with something,” Levi said. He hated admitting that he needed the help of Erwin Smith of all people, but he knew he couldn’t do this alone.

“And what is that?” Erwin quirked an eyebrow.

“There’s someone I want to get residency for. Someone I left in the Underground.”

“Levi, I can’t exactly just bring up your lover or best friend or gang buddy. Without a valid cause, I could get in a lot of trouble. I got in plenty bringing you and your frie–”

“It’s my mother,” Levi blurted. Erwin stopped in his tracks and eyed Levi carefully. “I left my mother there and I promised her I would get her residency. And I have the money but I need the paperwork, and until my own documents are finalized, I can’t file for it. They said it could take months.”

Levi looked out the window at the bright sun of the afternoon.

“A lot people died in a week down there, let alone months. I want to make sure she isn’t one of them.”

Erwin sat in silence for so long that Levi was certain he would turn him away, and he braced himself for the gentle, articulate apology he would surely hear. Instead, the tall blonde stood, walked over to Levi, and placed a hand on his shoulder. When gray eyes turned and looked up into blue ones, they were met with deep compassion.

“Don’t worry, Levi. I’ll help you.”

***

Levi woke up in a small room above the main shop and heard his mother fluttering around downstairs. He stretched, washed himself up and shaved, and dressed in his civilian clothes. With winter staring down from the horizon, additional expeditions were on hold until spring, and he had time off when he wasn’t running drills with his squad or in meetings. It meant he could spend more time at his mother’s house.

Stepping downstairs, he found her in a deep green long sleeve shirt and trousers. Her hair, cut short in a wavy bob, was partially tied back. Soft streaks of silver ran through the strands. She was arranging a bouquet in a glass vase for an engagement party, singing a wordless tune to herself. Levi recognized it as one of the songs she would hum when he was a kid and couldn’t sleep.

When she spotted him, Kuchel set down the branch of juniper berries she had been preparing to stick into the vase and ran over to hug him.

“Good morning, my little sun,” she sang. She pressed a kiss to his cheek, and he let out a soft chuckle.

“Good morning, Ma.” Levi walked to the teapot and poured himself a cup, sipping gingerly. “Let me help with the other arrangements today, okay?”

Kuchel’s flower shop was positioned within a stone’s throw of the Survey Corps headquarters and, as such, she became the de-facto florist for Corps members’ funerals. Seeing as an expedition had returned two weeks prior, she was busy. Erwin told him once that casualties used to be much higher before the Long Range Scouting Formation had been implemented, but Levi still thought they brought back way too many bodies, or pieces of bodies. He liked to help his mother with the wreaths and bouquets for the funerals. It helped him process the loss of his comrades, and it was the easiest way he knew to pay his respects. It was no mystery that he wasn’t exactly good with words.

“Of course you can help, Love,” Kuchel responded with a sad smile.

Kuchel had taken to the surface like a bird to the air. She was quick to learn the ins and outs of a society so different from where she spent so many of her years. When Levi asked her about it, she’d winked mischievously.

“I grew up on the surface, you know.”

Levi had been shocked by that information; he’d never known she was raised where the sun shown and birds flew. Why did she leave? Why choose the Underground? She never answered his questions.

The money she’d saved proved more than enough to buy the defunct building that became her flower shop. Levi spent months helping her to clean the interior, clear the overgrown field behind it, and plant flower seeds. She foraged for branches and wild flowers to add to her arrangements, and they became the most famous part of her business; catered beauty with a bit of rustic wildness.

She learned to cook and insisted that Levi bring his squad over for meals. She became a second mother to them, and frequently sent Levi back to base with baked goods to distribute. She’d had him invite Erwin over as well, and although Levi was embarrassed to be asking the Commander over to his mother’s house for dinner, he was happy that he did. Kuchel and Erwin got along well. To his credit, Erwin never pointed out that it was because of him that both Levi and Kuchel could live on the surface. Instead, he actively engaged her in conversations that Levi was content to listen to for hours.

Now, as he helped arrange a group of white lilies and bluebells grown in pots on the windowsill of a glass-covered room, Kuchel started talking about hosting another dinner.

“You should bring Erwin over, too,” she said.

“Why would I do that?” Levi asked, delicately adding a single red rose to the middle of the arrangement.

“Because you like him.”

Levi nearly knocked over the vase as his hands stuttered in place.

“What the hell do you mean by that?” he asked, shooting her a glare. Kuchel only laughed.

“I’ve seen how you look at him, Levi.” She tied a bright orange bow around the vase she had just been filling and stuck a heart-shaped pin into its knot. “It’s the same way I’ve looked at you every day since you were born. You’ve got a special kind of love for him. I think you shouldn’t let it go to waste.”

Levi didn’t respond; he only tried to hide the blazing red blush that was pasted onto his cheeks and ears. Later that afternoon, he walked to headquarters and asked Erwin to come to dinner.

#levi ackerman #captain levi #kuchel ackerman #ferricfox writes #surprise hinted eruri at the end!#i can't help myself #also hinted ackerbond???

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