#felt very acomplished

[galaxyofstars]

honestly the debate about whether feyre was qualified or not to be high lady wouldn't be such a big deal if the story stopped trying to frame her as the best at everything. it's ok if the only reason she is initially made high lady was to make her rhys' equal in the sense that he does not hold more power over her, and technically, legally, cannot command her, or force her to do anything. she's his mate, so he feels comfortable doing that very early on into the relationship. it's a statement of his love and trust of her, or rather, his respect of her as her own person. but as @ofbreathandflame elaborates on here, it doesn't actually say anything about feyre herself, and to claim that she has done something to earn being high lady causes problems and conflict, because, well, she didn't. she didn't earn the title at all. there are qualities she possesses that may give her the potential to be a good leader, but she is not there already.

and then of course there's the problem that even if the story focused on rhys 'making feyre his equal', there's still confusion, because she fundamentally is not his equal. and it's never elaborated on because sjm can't without highlighting the contradictory nature of it all, but rhys did not arbitrarily become high lord because he earned the support and was sworn in. it's not clear when a high lord begins his reign officially, but it's implied that it starts when the magic 'chooses' them. the magic chose rhys, not feyre, and that fact will always mean that he holds some level of power over her. and that's a whole other topic with no real solution, but i don't think it would be as much as a problem if the story didn't try so hard to insist that that dynamic did not exist at all.

and to be clear im not trying to criticise or shit on feyre, this is more in defense of her than anything. girl deserves better than being lied to.

[thebestsetter]

Thinking about (lovesick) Hiori Yo keeping a diary.

His parents have always been emotionally unavaible. For them, Hiori was nothing more nothing less than an experiment, the one destined to be what they've always wanted to be and yet never managed to acomplish: someone who wears the title of being "the best in the world".

He also didn't have much (if any) friends. All his time was dedicated to football practice, so the only people he talked to (aside from his parents) were his teammates. And they were nice, sure, but they were not his friends. They were more like acquaintances. The only one he could really call a friend was one of his teammates, Karasu Tabito, and even so he still didn't feel comfortable enough talking to him about the complex thoughts he had.

Because of that, he's never had anyone to talk with. No one to confide about his feelings and emotions. No one to talk about how he wanted to leave his home house (that place didn't feel like a home). How his parents fucked up his sanity. How he didn't really like football that much.

He couldn't keep all these things inside his head anymore. He needed to pour these feelings out. That's why he decided to start a diary.

Grabbing an old notebook and one of those common blue pens, he started writing. The diary was his most treasured possession. It stayed locked inside his bedside table, being away from all of the prying eyes.

Writing felt good. He wrote about his strained relationship with his parents. About soccer practices. About gaming tips. About pretty much everything.

His thoughts about many different themes were written there. That's why his journal didn't really have a specific theme.

Well, at least in the beggining it didn't have.

Because ever since a month or so, all the pages on his diary began to revolve around a girl. You.

He met you during a rather boring math class. The teacher was rambling on and on about algebrics or whatever, and time seemed to freeze because of how utterly shitty the endless class seemed.

"His explanation sucks, doesn't it?"

He heard a female voice coming from beside him. When he turned to the direction of the sound, he saw the prettiest girl he had ever met.

Her hair framed her face perfectly, it's color matching her eyes in the most beautiful way Yo had ever seen. The smile she had on her face seemed to shine, and Hiori found himself smiling back, too.

"Yeah" he sighed, then looked back at the teacher

"I just wish the old hag would shut up"

"I wish he would just shut up"

They spoke at the same time.

Looking at eachother, they both began to laugh. Hard. Clutching your stomach and tearing up kind of laugh. Snorting like a pig laugh. Wheezing. Hitting the table with your fist to try and stop with the loud laughing, but being phisically incapable of stopping.

"Hiori Yo and (Name) (Lastname). Do you want to share with the class what made you laugh so hard? I'm sure they want to laugh to."

"N-No, mister. We're sorry. We-We'll stop" you answered, still trying to stiffle your laugh

"Do not interrupt my class again, or else I'll send you both to the principal's office"

"Okay sir." Hiori answered, not believing a word the teacher said but still a little scared to have his parents find out he went to the principal's office

"Hiori Yo, huh?" You said "It suits you"

"Thank you, miss (Name) (Lastname)." Hiori smirked "Your name is very pretty. It also suits you"

"Oh, so you think I'm pretty?" You smirked, a mischevious and playful glint on your eyes.

"N-no!" Hiori blushed hard, averting your gaze. His accent got stronger like it always did when he became nervous, and he was quick to correct himself "I-I mean, yes! You're very pretty! B-but I didn't mean to say t-that. Not that you're not pretty! Is just that..."

He was interrupted by the sound of your laugh mixed with the bell signalizing the end of the school day. It's obnoxious sound was such a contrast from your sweet, honey-like melodic laugh.

"Don't worry, I was just teasing you!" You smiled at him, grabbing your backpack and getting up "Well, see you on the next advanced math period, mister Hiori Yo"

You then quickly left, leaving behind a red and speechless Hiori.

He has been obsessed in love with you ever since. He wanted to be with you all of the time, no exceptions. You were just so nice! It seemed like his problems disappeared when you were near. Life seemed brighter, and even his parents noticed the change in his behavior. He was more carefree, happier, lighter.

And never once did he forget to write in his diary. In fact, he wrote about you so much he decided to rip the pages about his parents and other things and make the journal solely based on you.

He wrote about the dates he wanted to go to with you. Wrote about how he wanted to hold hands with you, kiss you till you're both breathless, stargaze with you, game with you. Do basically everything with you.

He detailed how he wanted to confess to you: you would both be in a park, having a picnic, when he would suddenly pull a bouquet from his backpack and put his feelings on the table, making it clear he viewed you as more than a friend. And then you'd laugh and say you like him too, making fun of his strong accent and how much effect you had over him.

Not that he'd mind. As long as your attention was on him, you could humilliate him all you want. He was pathetic.

He even wrote about your wedding, the petunias he wanted to give you and how Hiori (Name) had such a nice ring to it.

He wrote everything in his diary. And that was his fatal flaw.

Because he also wrote about how he wanted to spend his practice time with you. How he wanted to give up on soccer and move in with you to a house on the countryside, just you and him. How he sometimes skipped practices just to go out with you.

"Mom? Dad?"

He would never have thought that, one day, he would forget to lock the diary up. And who would've guessed it would fall in the hands of his parents, who have no idea of privacy.

"Yo, we need to talk about this"

When Hiori saw the notebook in his dad's hand, he swallowed dry. He felt like crying just by imagining what they wanted to discuss about.

Maybe they didn't read it. Yeah, maybe they still respected their son, at least a little bit.

"W-what? How did you..."

"It was on your bed." His mom answered, a stern expression on her face "me and your father came to an agreement after reading it, and..."

"You read it?!" Hiori was furious and sad at the same time. Not surprised, no. He knew they would've done this. "You can't do this! My personal thoughts are in there! It's my diary! You're invading my privacy!"

"Bullshit. Teenagers do not have nor need privacy" his father cut him off "Whatever. What matters is that we read about that (Name) girl. And we've decided..."

No. He can say anything but what he thinks they're bout to say. He can't handle that.

"We don't want you around that girl anymore. She's getting in the way of your football practices. That's why...

We're moving you to a different school."

No...

No.

NO!

"No she's not!" Hiori screamed, pleaded. He wished that for once his parents would listen to him, think about his feelings at least one time. "I love her! I swear I'll do double the practice! Just, please. Please don't do this" his voice was wavering. He was weak. "Please don't keep her away from me. Please."

"We do this cause we know what's best for you. We're your parents. We know you better than yourself." His mom tried to reason.

"No you don't!" Hiori screamed "She's the best thing that has ever happened to me! You can't do this to me! You can't decide these things in my behalf!"

"We're your parents. We can and we did. End of discussion." His dad gritted out, not an ounce of empathy in his face. "And we also decided you're not keeping a diary anymore. We don't want you hiding things from us."

With a swift move, he threw the notebook inside the fireplace.

"NO!" Hiori screamed, running to collect the ashes and try to save the diary, but it was already too late.

In his knees in front of the fire, Hiori cried. The flames were dancing around as if mocking his sadness, laughing at his disgrace.

He stayed there for so long he lost track of time. His parents were no longer in the room, deciding to finally give their son space. But he didn't want space.

He wanted you.

He stayed motionless until the last flame was unstinguished. And when it finally was, so was his hope for a better future. A future without his parents playing with the strings of his life all the time, treating him like a puppet. A future with no pain.

A future with you.

And so, a single page that survived flew and fell in front of him.

He picked it up.

Dear diary,

I think I can make up with my parents. I didn't told her about the whole situation since I don't want to burden her, but from what she heard, (Name) said we just need to talk. And maybe she's right. Maybe they'll like her just as much as I do, and we can be a big happy family. She makes me feel like everything is possible. I'm sure I love her, and I want to spend all my time by her side...

He couldn't read it anymore.

With a scream, Hiori tore the page apart.

~A/N: Sorry anon, idk how to write angst ☹️

Masterlist

[lilisouless]

Rank all the Grishaverse ships and tell why they are at that rank.

Okay,I’ll rank by personal taste since writing wise I think you would have to be too cold headed to evaluate.

With the exception of one , they are all book wise (i could rank the show ships later if you ask)

From less favorite to most:

10-Sergei and Marie: don't like either character so there are not strong feelings here, the impact is more interseting than the ship

9-Mayu and Isaak: they were boring together, the chemistry was just "eh" , just like before the impact was more interesting than the ship but this one actually needed you to care, which i did but also no, i cared abotu them as characters but not as a couple. Only ranking them higher because i like both characters

8-Tamadia: please don't hang me for this , i wish i could like them more but their writing was kind of lazy, i felt Leigh wrote everyone to have their perfect match, made Zoya , Nikolai and Adrik wait for someone she thought would be good for them but with Tamadia she just paired her with the remaining girl with no real exploration of what they have in common or why they lile each other. I get why Nadia likes Tamar(who wouldn't like her?) but i don't see why Tamar likes Nadia because she is a very lacking character that Leigh keeps insisting is a main one. I am sorry but i read RoW and kept thinking "wish Tamar wasn't married cause she´d be more interesting if paired with Ehri" i shouldn't think that, Leigh never gave them plenty to work with mostly like i said: Nadia hardly was a defined character.

I will say positive things: their existence made homophobes rabid , and it makes Tamar happy, also she is very gentle and romantic in her relationship which is a funny callback on how Sergei said he believes Tamar would be harsh with her future husband.

7-Fivan (show only) /Adreoni: I put on a tie because the things i can say about one can be said about the other: they are fine, they are cute and the reason they are both above tamadia is that despite having less screentime, they do have a pretty defined dynamic so you know how they are behind the scene. I wouldn't say they are the same ship, but they have similar principles in one being grumpy and the other being happy. While i am very skeptical of romance tropes as a basis to the whole ship when we are talking about main ships, in secondary characters it works fine and give personality to otherwise characters with limited screentime.

6-Genya x David : This will be hard to explain, they are cute, i can't place them higher because my liking goes to more balanced couples. Which is very likely related that this are two secondary characters while the higher ranked are at least two mains. The thing is it took me a while to warm up to them.

I´ll explain so i give a better picture: Before the "I know metal scene" i honestly didn't really care about the couple, to me it was just pairing the secondary characters, but i melted at David´s speech. But i can't rank them higher if it took me that long. It´s NOT bad writing, i am not saying that, it´s just what happens when it´s two secondary characters. And btw, it was more personality than the average secondary x secondary in other YA books, so it´s not a place to shame (i just feel the need to apologize to put my beloved David so low)

5-Hanne x Nina: I think the reason they don't make a bigger impresion is that the writing is more focussed on each them as characters than their relationship, which is a sacrifice i can respect. They still have good chemistry, to Leigh it was clearly a challenge to not make Helnik 2.0 (people don't give her credit on how she manages to make it romantic and still respecting fan`s love for Helnik) and i´ll say she acomplishes it. I think the issue is that they are actually too good together so there´s not a lot of room for conflict which leaves me wanting for more, it could have been more interesting, but definitely i am not worried about Nina finding someone that understands her and it´s pretty clear why they are so good for each other.

4-Malina: I don't know how i would feel about it if people wouldn't be so vocal about them being abusive or something. Like, people lower your expectations as crazy, i think Mal could use a bit of more focus on his identidy but thats mostly because tgt would have worked better with a multiple pov. As it is, yeah they are adorable, maybe less original in dynamic than the previous ones but the portrayal of their love for each other is very genuine. It has flaws, maybe some parts were too mean but i don't think it´s something that will cause a future problem, they seemed to have put their act together by the end of Ruin and Rising. And most of the most romantic scenes is between them, Leigh doesn't shy up in giving them casual afection, which is pretty cute.

3-Helnik : I have to reread the books every now and then to remember I do like them, because between the awful netflix portrayal and a good chunk of the fandom. However, despite that the ship itself it´s pretty well written, specially since a lot could have gone wrong. My feelings aren't as strong as it used to be, but they are still pretty good if you turn off the fans that clearly don't understand it and only care about the sexual or tropey etl aspect. If you want an actual problem with canon helping it may be that i never undestood why Nina fell in love with Matthias pre character develoment. Post develoment yes i can see it, but before that not really, nothing that ruins it, just places it lower.

2-Zoyalai & Kanej (shared 2nd) I am not saying a lot here because, what can i say? you people know they are both god (nope, didn't forgot an o) i don't need to sell it to you. Let´s say this: my head said Kanej, my heart said Zoyalai, so they will have to share.

ZN: Not my first GV but definitely the one i started shipping faster, i needed just a couple of sentences because their chemistry is that good. I was writing "Sometimes i like them more than Kanej, just sometimes" then i realized, yeah, i will have to put them both in two"

KI -: objetively they are the better one, they have an unique dynamic,subverts plenty of harmful stereotypes and have great scenes, I kind of like the irony that the best couple in the Grishaverse is the one that features no grisha character. But like i said, this was a personal ranking so...

1-Wesper: I have a lor of personal feelings about this, i think its a bit underrated in a way because people think they don't have a lot of drama like Kanej or Helnik but it´s kind of what i like it, i feel it realistic because it´s two people with their own problems leaning on each other. Also, their versatility to work in many aus is great, not to say it´s the ship in soc you actually get to see fall in love since the previous was mostly flashbacks , not saying they are better (like i said, i think Kanej is better objetively) but just more appealing to me. Also well, Jesper being my favorite and Wylan being the fourth help a lot.

-

[marvelstars]

Vader really wanted both death stars gone

I was remembering all those scenes from the original trilogy and Rogue One in which Vader makes quite clear his distate for the Death star and I have come to the conclusion that while he definitely wasn´t a double agent, as much as I love fics like those, he definitely wanted those two technological terrors gone and I am a little surprised Palpatine trusted him with both projects as much as he did.

Lest star with Rogue One, Vader´s scenes are short but they tell a lot about his general mindset about the death star.

In Rogue One Vader´s makes a point of calling to his castle Director Krennic, who is been in charge for years of the death star, Vader´s is quite aware of Krennic´s competitiviness with Tarkin as well as his thrist for greater power which didn´t concern him too much and didn´t seem to care to intervene between the two of them, that´s until Jedha´s main city was destroyed. For many high ranking imperials Jedha was just a small sacrifice neccesary to probe the death star capabilities, for Vader jedha was a civilian city, uninvolved with the galactic civil war and also an old holdout of force knowledge neutral to both the Jedi and the Sith a rare thing indeed, that was destroyed without much thought about it. Vader is pissed off and until Krennic admitted it wasn´t his call but Tarkin, the current favorite of the Emperor, Vader changes the subject and tells Krennic to clean his mess with Erso, protect the plans and also a version of the events on Jedha that hide the Death Star existence from the Senate. It´s very interesting for me to see that of all imperials involved, Vader seems to be the last one who cares about the Senate oppinion on anything, the same happens at the beggining of ANH.

Next time we see Vader, Rogue One has managed to send the signal of the plans for the death star to Leia´s starship and Vader gets to the place of the battle just in time to see Tarkin, again, sacrificing an imperial world and military base for the small chance of stopping the rebels from getting the plans, which is already too late, Tarkin doesn´t acomplish anything besides destroying an imperial intelligence center, soldiers and all.

Tarkin has officially become tigger happy with the death star, has killed Director Krennic, his main competition and now holds sole authority over the death star, with the exception of the Emperor himself, who is on Coruscant and as far as Vader knows, wasn´t consulted on those decisions and neither was him , Tarkin feels confident enough in his position to do bassically, whatever he believes is neccesary to do with this new found power.

Vader technically, isn´t Tarkin´s underling but he isn´t in charge of the death star either, the DS is the Emperor´s baby project but Vader is getting more and more furious over what Tarkin and the other high ranking Grand Moffs are doing with it.

It´s an interesting situation because Vader can´t accuse Tarkin of being unfaithful to the Emperor but he seriously has stopped asking for orders either and he is going tigger happy on the galaxy with the new death star.

Then we have the famous Hallway scene in which Vader does his best to get back those plans, only there´s something curious happening here, Vader is certainly taking matters into his own hands but for someone who has the force, he took a bit more time than neccesary in getting the data disk with those plans. It´s almost as if he expected the rebels to get them.

Then in A new Hope, he doesn´t get the data disk either, thanks to Leia´s quick thinking but when she proves to be resistant to his interrogation, he tries to convince Tarkin not to execute Leia, he tells his soldiers to use non-lethal force on all people from Leia´s Ship in case they know something, Obi-Wan could feel on hyperspace Alderaan´s destruction, can you imagine how Vader and Leia felt in close range as two strong force sensitives?

Later Vader convinces Tarkin to let Leia escape with the plans and in this way, get access to the location of the rebel base, which he does but admits it´s a big risk, Leia was aware of this, she knew they allowed her, Han,Luke and Chewie to escape and knew their only hope was to destroy the Death Star before they destroyed the rebel base.

Then Vader does something very interesting, he decides to attack the rebels on his own, with only two imperial soldiers flanking him a mission that´s frankly below his rank but makes sense for his personality, this takes him out of the death star,maybe because he was already aware of the flaw on the Death Star? after all he is a great engineer even if weapon building isn´t his especiality, why allow the rebels to get so close to the trenches of the death star? plausible deniability? or was he aware of the danger and did meant to try to stop the rebels before they destroyed the death star? In fact moments before the Death Star destruction, Tarkin receives the report that there´s danger in the attack the rebels made agaisnt the death star and some soldiers and high ranking officers are evacuating while Tarkin decides to stay because he feels they are close to victory.

This ends with the death star destroyed, the rebels celebrating, Tarkin dead and Vader alive if chastited and degraded by the Emperor for losing the death star even if he keep his place as leader of the imperial military forces, so Vader could see this as an aceptable sacrifice.

Mind you, this doesn´t mean I am impliying Vader was coming back to the light side of the force at this point but even as Vader, part of his self given mission after losing bassically everything that mattered to him was "Order in the Galaxy" and as a force sensitive, something like the death star probably was seen by him as a cancer that needed to be taken out to preserve Order.

Just some food for thought.

[lyranova]

This is amazing for your event and such a neat idea! Thank you for creating this, truly. So, if I may... can I have Solid x Rosette (my beloved OC) for the Coffee shop AU?

Hiya @vilandel ! Of course you may, I was really glad to see you request for these two and it was a joy to write this for them (Solid was a little challenging since I’ve never written him in a scenario like this, but thanks to @loosesodamarble ‘s lovely help and guidance I was able to acomplish it 🥰!). Also I adore Rosette and could easily see her and Zera gossiping over all the things happening in Clover over tea 🤭. I hope you enjoy~!

Word Count: 1,566

Warnings: None

————

“ Okay Rosette, I’m leaving you in charge while I’m gone,” Rosette’s boss called over their shoulder as they began to walk out of the café. The young lady nodded eagerly.

“ Alright! I’ll do my best.” She told them, and the boss nodded before walking out of the café.

Rosette let out a soft sigh as she began to look around the café; luckily there weren’t very many customers so she wouldn’t have a too difficult time being here alone, but the downside to the café being quiet was that her mind would begin to wander.

Her pale grey eyes scanned the café; there were many couples sitting around the room, some seemed to be in the early stages of their relationships, some seemed to be well into their relationships, and a few seemed to be ending their relationships.

“ I wonder what happened between them?” She thought curiously. “ From what I heard at the butcher’s shop they were talking about getting engaged.”

She hummed in thought as she began to scan the couple. There was certainly some animosity between them now that wasn’t there before, and there was a…hurt and sadness in the woman's eyes, while the man looked resigned and somewhat regretful.

Her eyes moved further down; the woman had her arms crossed and her leg shook as she tried to hold back her anger. Meanwhile the man sat there calmly, but as Rosette looked closer she noticed he was checking his pocket watch constantly, and his phone on the table kept buzzing every 30 seconds.

That’s when Rosette realized what happened: he had fallen for someone else, and was now breaking the news to his former girlfriend, the woman he was sitting with.

A sad sigh escaped her as she turned away, that poor woman. She didn’t deserve to be broken up with like this.

Maybe there was something she could do?

As she began to walk around the counter to approach the couple and help the woman, the door to the café suddenly opened.

“ Whoever owns that bright red sports car outside better hurry up and move it out of my spot before it gets towed for illegal parking,” The young man announced smugly as he removed his silk scarf from around his neck and took his long, silver trench coat off.

At the newcomers' words, the other man instantly jumped up from his seat and ran out of the café.

As Rosette went to thank the young man for what he did, he began to chuckle.

“ Idiot, wait until he realizes that his ugly little car’s already been towed,” He muttered. “ That’ll teach him to park in Solid Silva’s parking space.”

As soon as the words left his mouth any gratitude that Rosette felt towards him instantly disappeared. Of course this man had the car towed for selfish reasons, and not because he actually wanted to help someone else!

She shook her head before directing her attention towards the woman who had just been abandoned.

“ You okay?” She asked the woman softly as she approached her table, and she nodded.

“ I’m fine, thank you,” The woman replied with a grateful nod.

“ You’re welcome! I called a cab to come pick you up, and they’re waiting outside for you,” Rosette told her, and the woman nodded again before pulling out her wallet. “ Oh don’t worry about paying, I’ve already taken care of it!” She added, and the woman’s eyes widened but she quietly thanked her before slipping out the back of the café.

Rosette smiled triumphantly, proud to have done at least a bit of good, but frowned when someone snorted behind her.

She quickly turned and saw the young man from earlier sitting alone by the window. He glanced at her, and began to try and hide his snickering behind his hand.

“ What’s so funny?” She asked curiously, her head tilting slightly as she looked him up and down. He quickly cleared his throat and shook his head.

“ Nothing, mind your own business,” He told her in an irritated tone as he looked away.

Rosette huffed a bit before walking back around to stand behind the counter, that was really rude and uncalled for!

But he was a regular customer here, so even though she wanted to tell him that he was mean she couldn’t unless she wanted to lose her job…

As she cleaned and organized things behind the counter she glanced over at him. For the past few weeks he had been coming by the café everyday at the same time, and she couldn’t stop herself from being curious; so she began to ask around about him.

Apparently his name was Solid Silva, he was the third child and second son of the esteemed Silva family, and from what she heard and witnessed first hand, he could be a bit of a…jerk to say the least. He was a spoiled rich boy who looked down on others that were of lesser status than him, he felt entitled to even the most minor things, and there were rumors that he would even go as far as to harass and bully his younger sister!

Based on all of that information Rosette had grown a strong dislike for him! She also came from a rich family, but that didn’t give her the right to act better than others!

If only there was a way to change his mind…

“ Tsk she’s late,” He muttered as he crossed his arms and glared out the window, his foot tapping against the floor in irritation.

“ Are you waiting for someone?” Rosette asked curiously as she turned to fully look at him, and he glared at her again.

“ That’s none of your business,” Solid huffed as he turned away from her again, and she quickly put her hands on her hips.

She had had enough!

“ Y’know, with an attitude like that I can’t imagine any woman wanting to meet you!” Rosette told him sternly, and Solid quickly turned to look at her.

“ Excuse me?”

“ Your attitude,” She continued with narrowed eyes. “ You act like you’re better than everyone, you like to flaunt your family’s name and wealth but you never do anything good with it! You’re just…mean!”

Solid stared at her in bewilderment, and then his eyes narrowed in anger as he stood up and walked over to the counter.

“ Do you realize who you’re talking to?” He growled. “ I could have you fired for this!” Rosette nodded.

“ I do know who you are, and to be honest I don’t really care!” She told him seriously. “ It’s about time someone talked to you about your bad attitude and how you treat others!”

“ I only treat others how I believe they should be treated,” He responded. “ Take that man from before; he felt that he had the right to park in my parking space, so I put him in his rightful place!”

As Rosette opened her mouth to argue back, the door to the café opened again, and in walked a man who looked very similar to Solid.

“ Oh good, it seems that the two of you have already met,” The man announced as he walked over to the pair.

“ Nozel!” Solid exclaimed in relief as he ran over to the other man.

Rosette’s eyes narrowed; so this was the new head of the Silva family? But, he looked so young?

“ You need to have this woman fired immediately!” He told Nozel as he stood beside him, and his older brother raised a questioning brow.

“ You want to have your fiancé fired from her job?” He questioned curiously, and suddenly everything went very quiet and still.

Fiancé…?

“ Huh?! What do you mean ‘fiancé’?!” Rosette and Solid exclaimed in unison, causing all the other patrons to turn and look at them.

“ Just what I said, as of this afternoon the two of you are now engaged to be married,” He explained as though it were obvious. The pair looked at each other for a moment before looking back at Nozel.

“ To her?!”

“ To him?!” Nozel nodded.

“ Indeed. I just arrived from a meeting with Mr. and Mrs. Vitrail, as of next week you’ll be moved into the Silva residence and the week after that you’ll be taught how we conduct business operations so you can contribute to the family business.” Nozel explained to Rosette, who just stared at him in disbelief.

This couldn’t be happening…how was this happening?

“ I…I don’t understand,” She began softly as she tried to wrap her head around what was going on. “ How did you meet my family? And how am I in an arranged marriage?!”

“ Your parents have business associates with my family for many years, although our relationship has kind of waned a bit over the years,” Nozel told her. “ As for how you’re in an arranged marriage, your father told me that it was what you wanted?”

Rosette opened her mouth, but paused before quickly closing it; oh yeah, she had asked him to arrange a marriage to a wealthy man for her. The reason she had asked her father to arrange a marriage with another wealthy family was so she could do more good in the world. More money meant she could give more back to society, right?

But she hadn’t expected her arranged marriage to be with the Silva family, or with the one member she seemed to get along poorly with!

————

Thank you all so much for reading and I hope you all have a good day~!

[sherylhooper]

JJK SPOILERS!!!

The new chapter reminded me again why I can no longer be satisfied with Shounen.

Gojo's dead and people think Itadori has a chance to kill both Sukuna and Kenjaku....

"We can now see who's the main character" (ნიშნისმოგებით, თან) cuz Gojo was "in the way of the story" and "story couldn't progress with him in it."

Yeah, if Itadori randomly gets an upgrate out of thin fucking air, when he doesn't even have a innate technique - "but he is gonna develop Sukuna's CT". — How the fuck is he developing anything if Sukuna is no longer in his body but in Megumi's?? You are BORN with innate technique!! Unless Sukuna goes back inhabiting Itadori's body, Yuji isn't developing anything (unless Gege pulls out some residual cursed energy leftover bullshit — i.e. powerup out of blue sky).

As a writer myself, I don't really understand why some people (especially Sukuna's die hard fans) don't get it how killing of Gojo Satoru OFF SCREEN is bad writing so I'm gonna explain (and rant) here.

Okay, pals, sit down, we are having a lecture in basics!

"How to become good at Writing 101" states that the writer can write story in TWO main ways: 1) is called "tell" and 2) is called "show".

Every single writer and critic from centuries ago to today can confidently say that writer using "tell" is one of the weaker writing choice. Let's compare simple examples.

1) "He died." — this here is "tell". Nothing happened, it's boring.

2) "He felt fatigued, he eyes could no longer focuse on the scene in front of him. The sound of blood rushing in his ears was defeating.. To draw air in his lungs was becoming harder and harder as time went on..." etc — this is "show".

Of course death can come instantly but as a doctor (by profession) I can assure you that human brain even after being decapitated can remine "alive" for few seconds/minutes, can understand commans, can open eyes, can look at someone who is talking to them, etc..

Even Gojo looking down at himself, while he was being cut in two, would have been enough "showing".

But to have another character, in this case, Sukuna, explain i.e. "tell" how Gojo died is exactly how it sounds — "tell".

In every literature: classic books, modern books, manga, etc, "tell" is considered weak writing style and it seems even Gege is bound to it for now.

Also, what was the point of unsealing Gojo if he had to still die in the end? Him remining sealed would make no difference in the story - Sukuna vs Kashimo would still happen and now that Sukuna has "adapted" to Infinity means absulutely nothing, cuz nobody is using Infinity in the manga anymore for him to cut "space".

In fact Gege just replaced Gojo with Sukuna as overpowered character and we can see that he hated Gojo solely based on how "strongest" he was (and on his attitude) and how he couldn't kill him.

And how he handled his overpowered character? Killed him off screen. So how's Sukuna dying now? Also getting off screened??

And Gojo died with no regrets, apparently. His pseudo-son has fried brain, his sister and his speudo-dad are dead (at his own hands (even if Sukuna is using them)), most of his shikigami are gone, and Sukuna is parading around using him as "meat suit" — that should, at the very least, still be Gojo's regret (not saving Megumi) but, no, apparently Gojo is selfish bastard who doesn't care about anything and he is glad that he died (even after not acomplishing anything at all), but just mad that Sukuna didn't go all out???

Talk about anti climatic.

Gojo dying like this is kinda giving Madara and Kishimoto and I do not like that (I don't think anybody does)...

This is why I can't deal with Shounen anymore, because no matter what, at some point story telling gets inconstintent and I better stick with Seinen, cuz story there makes more sense.

Thank you for reading this rant and Sukuna-stans don't interact, cuz I'm blocking you all, if I see one word about "coping" or whatever.

(თქვენი თავი ნაღდად არ მაქვს და დიდი ალბათობით, შემდეგი თავის მერე ამ მანგასაც მივაგდებ).

[sillybond]

I feel like, I need to express myself a bit because there's an emotional bomb right inside me and It's tiking very fast!

Might get a bit cringy lol

Adventure Time brought many thimgs to my life. It has made me think, laugh, love, cry and adore all about it, the characters, story, the world, the art, the creators, everything! But the singular best thing about it has been the lessons it has taught me. I'm the same age as Finn was is CAWM I ended the show alongside him and, (despite not having been through quite the traumatic mind boggeling adventures as he has) I have learn a lot by seeing him and the people around him.

There's a lot of experiences that the whole AT cast have gone trough. Each one might affects people differently. Maybe you relate with Finn and Marcy for their strugglers with their fathers. Maybe you see yourself in Bonny, with her over controling-work focused mindset. Perhaps it's in Huntress Wizard and her inability to open to other people. Whatever it is, we all have at least a bit of thoose problems in ourselves. Thoose are our battles to fight for.

But once thing that stands above all and gives meaning to fighting thoose problems is the simple fact that whever, whenever or whoever you are your life is worth living.

And THAT is the key. We've seen time and time again how characters break down, have fights, loose people or whatever but what keeps them going is that they know their lives are not only worth living, but fulfilling pieces in a gigantic puzzle formed by all, moved by all forms of life, that they exist to love, to love others and to love life above everything else.

That IS the lesson. Yes! your life my life is worht living! Just because you are alive.

I belive that nihilism is a natural force inside of us. To ask ourselves the big questions (i.e. what is my porpuse, why am I here etc) and then realize that nothing that we respond will matter, cause nothing matters!!! I know captain obvious right here. But it does'nt have to matter to be meaningfull. Love is an end in it of itself, LIfe is and end in it of itself. You aren't alive to do anything in particular. My personal belife is that Life shouldn't be seen as a tool to acomplish anything (because again, nothing that you get will matter), life is tool to get itself. I'm not telling you to do nothing or not help people or don't do what you are passionate about. It's the oposite. I'm telling you to do all that, beacuse it's not only your life but it has meaning just beacuse it exists. As long as you are alive you should persue yourself , search for your life and love every part of the journey, even if it's bad. The trip is infinite, but beautiful and full of wonder and terrible and distraughtful at the same time. But loving it is the key and it doesn't matter it's all worth it cause YOU ARE ALIVE!!!

I'm getting kind of worked out, but I think you get my point.

Every time I think about this I remember both Astral Plane and The Comet. Two of my favourite episodes. In 22 minutes it sumarises everything that I've just talked about.

Previous to those episodes I ditached myself from everything in my life, pretty much. And I just wanted to go to Ooo beacuse it felt like it had a meaning, and there's was cool magic and everything. I'm sure some of you might have had a similar feeling.

But after thoose it made me realise that, no, that wasn't the point. Adventure time wasn't created so you could get hunged up on it and just wish everything was magical, (just like Fionna!!) AT exist so you can realise something much greater the same thing Finn realized when he pondered his existance.

In both episodes Finn choose to live. He saw the world around him, he saw pain, regret, beauty and in the end he choose his life, everything that he had experienced. It would have been so easy for Finn to go with the Catalist Comet and disapear. He wasn't in a good place. Everything had seemeangly gone to crap. He lost his arm, father, girlfriend. But even then he choose the pain rather than being detached forever. He has seen life and death, he has been the reincarnation of both thoose things. He choose life because it was simply worth living.

In a cold, dark universe life shines a glimps of light, a speck that lasts for a blink of an eye, even if it doesn't last it's worth experiencing it and protecting it.

Fionna understud this. Fionna was like me, wishing for her life to be different. But in the end. She saw that that wasn't the point. Finn would have choosen his reaity even if it was non-magical, or better, or worse than what it was, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you love where you are. Finn does, Fionna finaly learned that two. It's a long journey, but it has to be started. And I thank Adventure Time, the crew, characters and everything for this oportunity. To see life in a new light. To make the active choice to live and love and trust and die happily, because if I could be in any alternative universes I wouldn't wish to be anywhere else but in this one.

Thank you adventure time, you taught me to live again.

[emotionallyattachednerd]

Army Crawling Back....Slowly....

It's been a long while since I've written stories. This year has been very busy for me as I continue to build a bussiness from home, but its amazing to feel an acomplishment and something positive to make an income over the future for myself.

And now, of course after managing to watch the episodes from season 2 I felt that small kick again. Might slowly get back into writting and go with the flow. My ideas and projects have been untouched in so long, and now have more flooding my mind. It's never ending. Anyway, no promises, but a small update with me. Hope everyone is doing well for themselves, and to stay safe. ❤️

[plasticross]

==> Do.... something!

In a complete episode of hystrical paranoia, you've climbed atop a chair and have sunm your finger nails into the connection point of the fire alarm and the wall, and with a single violent rip you yank that sucker out, the wires and thin plastic pieces holding it in place snapping. Without thinking you make quick strides towardsthe window and drop it. The thing falls seventeen flights before landing in the pool below.

You're not sure what that acomplished, if anything, but you swear you saw its eye hidden in the flashing red light, staring at you as you screamed into your pillow. Nothing felt real in the moment, your page-filled vision screaming at you "NOTHING IS REAL! NONE OF THIS MATTERS! PAY ATTENTION!" but that didn't change the way your body felt. It couldn't change the fact that, whether or not you perceived pages, you weren't actually a stack of paper. You were a very real man, with a very real spear-AND-head wound.

Your side aches. And it's a reminder that you ARE real. You take your hand and press around the bandages. Not directly on the wound, just around it, to stimulate your nerves. You are real. You have a body and it is yours.

You are "real."

[enderevynne]

Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities: Lot 36

Just tried a new show this morning, one I’ve been wanting to watch - Guillermo del Toro’s Cabinet of Curiosities, and I’m... so confused. So unsettled. And not unsettled in the usual way that thrillers and horrors will unsettle. 

For the first time in my life I’m actually coming away absolutely loving (most of) what I watched and still feeling like it was a waste of time and pointless? 

So, disclaimer: I am an idiot. That’s the first thing to know about me. I freely admit I am an idiot, I have much to learn and look forward to learning it. I used to have a meta heavy blog on here many years ago for various shows, mainly spn (haven’t watched in years no spoilers), and I have a deep love for film and filmmaking. But I am a highly unintelligent idiot. That being said, I still need to sort out my (very rusty) thoughts on this. 

I’m usually pretty easy to please no matter how many complaints I may have about plotholes and such (I’ve been complaining about such things in shows since I was a child and didn’t actually know what I was really even trying to say - Xena being my currently oldest memory but my memory sucks lol, and Charmed being my most clear memory that I never stopped complaining about no matter how much I loved it and still love it, to this day it’s one of my alltime fave shows)

Like, if there is suspense, good acting, flawed characters and good - or even decent - cinematography I am usually hooked and leave feeling acomplished in some way, even if it wasn’t my cup of coffee, even if I downright hated it.

This is the first time I can recall that I have left something having absolutely loved it but still coming away feeling like it was a waste of time, and that feeling in and of itself is very unsettling to me.

Despite very good slow-burn setup, amazing suspense, GREAT cinematography, awesome Lovecraftian scary monster, great unlikeable characters (one spn actor which made me squeal in joy and love the episode even more) I just... that ending was... idk. I can’t for the life of me figure out what was supposed to be the point, even with the obvious “get what is coming to you” thing. 

So, feeling confused and unsettled in a way I never expected to, I went on to read some reviews on what others felt. And a LOT of people seem to have the same thoughts as me. 

Up until the very ending this was a complete hit. 

One review I read was an “ending explained” thing. So, 

SPOILER ALERT 

Hastily explained plot and ending under the cut.

The racist, veteran cruel-to-others-because-others-were-cruel-to me protagonist that is in over his head with debt to mobsters purchases a storage unit to try to pay back his debt, finds some unnerving Nazi memorabilia and occult shit, brings it to be appraised, meets (spn actor woohoo) overly excited occult expert that insist they go back to the storage unit to find a rare book that is missing from the collection and could pay out huge money. The Nazi previous owner apparently sacrified his own sister to a demon that is now inhabiting her corpse but bound in place in a hidden space in the storage unit. 

Both spn actor and protagonist are deeply flawed people (something that could’ve been explored more in my opinion but those things aren’t even my main point in trying to sort this out so maybe for another more in-depth post at some other time), and as spn actor notes that demon will sense inherent evil in people and feed off of it. Protagonist of course will not listen to this, brushes it off as nonsense and breaks the binding holding the demon he still does not believe in. Demon gets free, gobbles up spn actor that very much as suspected had evil in him, and starts going after protagonist. 

Protagonist runs around the storage unit trying to get to the one and only exit, where the woman he was needlessly cruel to before (not the Nazi owner, that was an old guy who died in the beginning of the episode, but apparently she paid for the storage unit and seems to know what it held but she moved and the adress got mixed up so she didn’t know the storage unit was being sold). Protagonist wouldn’t even let her get back some old, useless to him, stuff when he met her before, because no one ever helped him, so why should he be helpful at all,and cruelly only gave her a lock - which everyone watching knew was going to be used in some form at the story’s end. 

However, when protagonist gets to the door, that woman is outside, standing there watching him plead for her to open the door, but she only shows him the lock he threw at her and lets him get gobbled up by the monster. 

That’s it. That’s the ending. 

Now, the “ending explained” thing I read tried to make the case that, surely such a powerful demon would be able to get outside of a locked door once freed from powerful bindings, so hence the only explanation for why it didn’t leave the storage unit and gobble up the woman was because spn actor and protagonist both had evil in them for it to eat them, but the woman did not. Therein lies the morality of the story. You get what’s coming to you, careful what you wish for, treat others as you want to be treated yourself type thing. 

I strongly, strongly disagree with this. 

If the monster truly did feed off evil, that woman should not have survived. 

Because I would argue, if you can stand and watch someone plead, scream and cry for help and do nothing you have some dark, evil shit in you. Even knowing what kind of evil asshole that person is, I would never even consider not letting them out. I felt physically ill at that last moment as she stood there in cold blood knowing not just that he needed help, but knowing exactly what was coming for him. In fact, I felt more sick in that moment than I did when discovering the monster and what had been done to Dottie, when monster got free, when spn actor and protagonist were made snacks for half-cadaver half-tentacle monster. 

In essence, at that point she was doing exactly what protagonist had been doing; being cruel to others because others were cruel to you. Not helping because you weren’t helped. But the added part of just standing there watching his last moments before the demon got to him, then turning around and walking away? Holy fucking shit, lady. If the demon fed off evil, it damn well would have fed off you. 

And that admittedly might just be me being an idiot. A bleeding heart idiot. Maybe that’s why I cannot for the life of me understand what the point of this entire thing was. That ending did not make sense to me, and therefore the entire episode, no matter how much I loved it up until that very last moment, felt completely pointless. 

Because what was the point then? For all this setup that had no payout at all (old Nazi hopping??) and some that had payout that made no sense within the confines of the story as I saw it? I do not understand this. At all.

To me, this could’ve been a masterpiece. I’ve never been so confused as to the meaning of something I’ve watched, never come away feeling like this. 

But again, I am an idiot.

And lastly, again, and maybe even more unforgivable thing about the ending? We never found out why the fuck that old Nazi did the hopping thing. Not cool.

[thursdayarchive]

Thursday's Geoff Rickly

By Auren Suicide Mar 6, 2009

Geoffrey Rickly has been singing for the critically acclaimed, post-hardcore band Thursday for over ten years. But only now could he release an album as acomplished as Common Existence. Finding a balance between his bookish smarts, taste for social and personal awareness, and a decade of being in a band, Thursday have compiled their most aggressive, mature and best work to date. We called up Geoffrey to talk about it -- and share a 'Common Experience.'

[…]

AS: Speaking of which, I've been reading up about your new album, Common Existence, and your writing on this one seems to have a lot to do with the fact that you're more grown up now. The press release even says that this record is your first from an "adult perspective." When did you realize you were a grown-up?

GR: If anything, a lot of realizing that I was a grown up happened as soon as I felt very out of touch with a lot of things that I felt very in touch with when we started the band. We've been a band for almost eleven years now. I've done all my gowning up in this band. Eleven years later, the Geoff that sings for Thursday is a different Geoff. I'm not hanging with a bunch of punk rock kids throwing shows in my basement anymore. I'm not trying to make rent in a shitty small apartment, you know? It's just very strange to realize that I'm about to turn thirty and my whole twenties will have been spent in a band.

AS: Is it weird for you to relate to younger bands now? Or to your audience?

GR: It is. I don't feel any connection to a lot of the culture that's going on now with young people. But at the same time I think there are a bunch of kids who like bands now who all grew up on Thursday. So I can see, sometimes, where they're coming from musically. If anything, it's more of a lyrical standpoint where I feel a major disconnect [with younger bands]. I don't sing about girls, I don't sing about a lot of the things that today's bands are singing about. I don't know if it's good or bad, it's just one of those interesting things that developed over time.

AS: Well I'm sure a lot of the bands on the Taste of Chaos tour you're on now were influenced by Thursday. That was most likely one of the first bands they liked that was cool!

GR: [laughs] That's funny! You know I've heard that some of the other bands are psyched to tour with us. I really like the Cancer Bats, so I'm looking forward to seeing them.

[fandommemequeen]

my 2022.

alright gamerz itz that time of year again 4 Gamerz Yearly Retrospective!!!

so uhh im not gonna sugarcoat it: this year rlly sucked. a lot of stuff went down this year that id rather not go into detail abt here, but its been rough and unfair and sometimes i felt like it was never gonna get better. add onto that skool being mega rough, facing tons of imposter syndrome over my identity, anxiety, World Events, and fricktons of executive dysfunction, and youve got urself a total recipe for disaster.

but amidst all the doom and gloom.. i had better days. i played videogames and arcade games, i hugged the stuffing out of plushies, i anticipated release dates for new videogames, i got my hands on the g3 monster high dolls and relieved my childhood, i still luv siivagunner and wii deleted you and invader zim and deltarune, i got into just shapes & beats, i discovered the tourney community through mashup week: megamix and made some amazing friends, i got into creepypasta and yfm and osu and taiko no tatsujin and arcane and tmk, i got kirby and the forgotten land and splatoon 3 both on launch day and have had SO MUCH FUN with both of them, i luved watching ghost files and puppet history s5 after school and catching new toh and g3 monster high episodes,,

ive also acomplished some milestones too. first time getting an award for one of my cosplays, coming out as arospec [and proceeding to fall in platonic luv with my irl bestie xd], getting a compression top/binder, getting the awesome short emo hair i wanted for months, first time cosplaying at a convention, getting diagnosed with adhd and finally confirming what i had suspected for so long but never outright said due to self-doubt and fear of faking, starting medication, being in counseling/art therapy, trying sodas and monster energy and starbucks frappucchinos with no coffee, and learning to luv being "cringe".

but overall the best thing i did to make it through 2022 was,, just being me. i wrote. i drew. i roleplayed. i cosplayed. i scrolled through social media and chatted with friends far away from me. i read and wrote fanfics. i crafted. i brainstormed. i coded. i listened to music and cranked the volume on my gamer headset with cat ears. i was so very Not Normal about fictional characters. i made new friends and still kept up with old ones. i revisited old fandoms. i vibed in the front yard while listening to music. i checked the mail pretty much every day, secretly hoping one of my pieces of fandom merch would be there. i supported my family through the hard times, and they always supported me. i imagined scenarios and animatics and animation memes while listening to music. i listened to fandom lofi while trudging through overdue assignments. i rocked out to skrillex and monstercat and camellia playing beat saber at 8 in the morning for my virtual p.e. class last year. i learned the absolute beauty of platonic love. i started making unironic mary sues just for the heck of it. i felt so many emotions. i cried of happiness and of sadness. i hugged. i made vent art on my phone. i had complicated feelings. i felt like a faker at times. i was [and still am] learning to overcome climate doomism and death anxiety. i was weird, i was imperfect, i was cringe... but i was so cool for embracing my weirdness, my imperfection, and my cringiness, and i wouldnt have it any other way.

i know i can survive whatever life throws at me. ive got my friends and family by my side, and just being me in the face of.. well, everything, is the strongest thing i can do. im tired of lying down and just taking it. im tired of feeling hopeless. i will fight. i will persist. i will find ways to cope with anxiety and executive dysfunction. and above all, i will continue to love. i will love my family and friends who always have my back, i will love my interests and hobbies, no matter how weird they may seem to others, and i WILL learn to love myself.

after my 2019 retrospective post, i always hesitated a bit to look to the new year with confidence and resilience and hope, in fear of my hopes being crushed and being miserable. now i see that no matter what, lifez gonna be hard sometimes, but i am strong and i will NOT BACK DOWN.

so, for the first time in years, ill say it again. and i rlly, TRULY mean it when i say this:

BRING IT ON, 2023. this scenekid and tourney-obsessed geek can and WILL handle WHATEVER U THROW AT ME!!

[icarusredwings]

Im sorry your friends never understood you or saw any of your true potential. Im sorry that you've felt so neglected and are so untrusting that you have to resort to healing yourself with yourself because no one else is trustworthy enough not to hurt you. Im very proud of all the acomplishments you've ever had, and whatever you decide to do with your life will be good enough. In fact, im proud of you for simply existing. Im sorry you are so lonely and so afraid of being hurt that you resort to befriending yourself because who else would want to be friends with you?

I would. Because you are brilliant and intelligent, strong, brave, and incredible. You all inspire me so much to better myself every day. ❤️

Im sorry if you cant yet feel the same way about yourself but if you relate, just know that I see you and I can see your progress. Keep going!

Im not sorry however- for this call out post.

"Is anybody going to match my freak?"

No, They're "Can you SURVIVE my freak?"

[megismorallysunny]

25/09/23

i might upload 2 today bc i have a lot, not from today just in general, so much so that i wrote it down. i had science first, turns out the school wanted every teacher for their first class to show their classes the new one way system because they felt it was clogged up. its really fucking stupid and we were supposed to follow it as soon as we left first class.. spoiler alert no one did, absolutely no one, i didnt see any teachers not following but no students are. I feel like using that system its only a matter of time before a 1st year gets hit by a car, your supposed to go outside to get to some classes that would have only been a few metres away now, and the way you go sometimes has cars on it, i seen one going pretty fast just a minute after class started.

i had irish after science and turns out that irish hw i was doing wasnt even the hw, and i had already done the hw a week ago, omg i just cant but it was a-ok. after that was maths, everyone was in for once so there wasnt enough seats for everyone, hopefully 4k4 and his other friend 5k5 dont steal my seat, i worked my ass off for that. a student who came 2 weeks ago, nickname -bluebird, is just annoying, its not that shes done anything wrong its that shes a complete loner, wont talk to anyone, not like ive tried but more in the sense, you wont hear even a squeak. in business she doesnt take down notes, in maths she doesnt do questions (not that i can say much) and in french she doesnt even know ça va and wont do her french hw. so yeah plain infuriating. i did my english hw wrong after i spent an hour carefully constructing only a third of my answer for an hour last night. my friends went to the shop but i didnt bc i wanted to stay in the cspe classroom and eat my lunch and maybe also read trollhunter fanfics, hard enough to find good ones involving a very cute and fluffy relationship between jim and walter. anyways we had to have a fake election in cspe, to try out ballot box voting, in first year for student council i tied with another girl for top votes. guess how many i got this time? yeah thats right a solid one, thinking about it makes me sad, does no one like me anymore??? but i laughed at the time even tho every1 looked back at me, it felt really dehumanising, the only way i deal with bad situations is by laughing and joking, and that situation made me feel a little shit.

made me also feel real great when aprciot turned back at me and said i put you 5, its like he constantly tries to talk to me and be my friend and when i ignore him he gets mad, its not great that i was standing beside granite today and apricot started pushing granite and while he did that his hand touched my tit. great. made me feel just great, it wasnt on purpose he wouldnt even try.. well he did say consent didnt matter today if it was me. he was obvi joking but considering he tried to sa someone before and this day a year ago, "mango" his friend and apples friend sent diorite a voice message saying apricot said he was gonna do a thing to her. idk im sorry i feel uncomfortable typing out the word rape. but yeah thats what he said apparently. doesnt make it better he could walk to her house and he knows where that is. but unfortunately it is what it is no matter how cruel it can be.

anyways, after cspe i fucking raced through the classroom to get to another because it had a door to the outside which was closer to the door to the other outside door to get to or religion classroom, we had a proper sound sub, she was rly nice and i thought she was a bitch because of her hairstyle but she really wasnt, AND I GOT MY FAVOURITE SEAT!!!! mission acomplished, my friend was happy bc i always run to get good seats and i actually did unlike last time where some people were unfortunately quicker.

idk if i mentioned this but i learned about shifting maybe early 2021 and it didnt really go anywhere, id tell you where i have planned out for me to go but it would be embarassing, i have one for the embarassing one and one for a library, filled with extensive knowledge and characters from shows i watch. anyways my body felt like it was floating last night, just like my first shifting attempt nearly 2 years ago now, i nearly did it but i chickened out, opened my eyes and couldnt ever do it again or get those symptoms. when i woke up at 4 in the morning i was half stuck in a dream, and was trying to do my tasks to meet my goal, i dont even remember what my tasks or goal was.

i skimmed the entirety of sex education, it was my first time watching it, it was pretty good, i really liked ruby she was definitely my favourite i also really loved roman but cmon ruby, she was so good also aimee. i redownloaded farmville2 so its time to relive my farmer life whoop whoop. ill do another blog post later. anyways goodbye have a good morning, good day and good night

[finsterhund]

you know? I think once after the camping trip I want to finally start streaming again, fix the internet connectivity my gaming PC has (my wifi dongle perhaps? IDK. it doesn't like to stay connected) because I want to play HoD online again and I want to talk to people and my friends and such. I miss gaming with my friends so fucking bad. I had a dream that there was a pikmin mod where one player gets to be Olimar (maybe have more captains too?) and then this person, the main streamer, has their friends all log in and each play a singular pikmin and I think that would be complete and utter chaos and also super fucking fun.

I still haven't played a single pikmin game yet though. I wanna set up Dolphin at some point I did download an older version on icepack laptop but idk.

There's points where the grief ebbs away but it makes me realize how much I wish I was closer to my friends. It's a very painful feeling. I try and make friends in real life and my neighbors turns out to be a deranged old asshole, all my friends I do have live in like California or Illinois. I want to go back home to southern Saskatchewan, etc.

In the end no matter what sacred cherished childhood hobbies I get back into it doesn't fill the hole in my heart. My plants lose their luster, they grow at such a slow rate and die so easily, my beloved Heart of Darkness is just me talking into a void with no fandom, and Scott will never be Cazza. I love him so much but he isn't my baby girl. No matter how close we get it can never reverse how it felt having her die in my arms. I am so alone. And the only time I don't feel like wanting to lie down and never wake up I feel like I'm wasting my life by wanting to lie down and never wake up. At no point am I actually doing anything or feeling acomplished.

I am hoping now that Will, Paula, and Lucas have finished moving in we will be able to play games together again. I will be able to watch their streams again. But in the end there is still a distance.

I shouldn't have to travel across the fucking world to spend time with my friends. At this point having a cult of ass kissers who do whatever I ask of them despite how much I fucking hate those people who curate a cult around them in that way would be preferable. Because I wouldn't feel alone at that point. So many doors open up for you if you have money and influence and power.

I'm tired of hoping that someday things will get better.

[keefwho]

May 04 - 2023

1:56 PM

Today is not very good, I’m not sure what to do with myself. My tummy kinda hurt this morning but I think that is about over. That stopped me from wanting to stream and I still have a hard time stay dedicated to my work if I’m not being watched or otherwise held to it so I didn’t do as much as I should have. I want to take the L today but alternatively I could just do the work later when I’d usually be doing other projects. The reason I made my 6pm cutoff time is so that I know when to stop. If it’s before 6, I still have time to do the commission knowing I’m not overworking. 

I’m trying to apply my recent self awareness skills to this but I feel like my brain just isn’t functioning right today. I’m trying to view myself from an outside perspective to motivate me to do more because today I’ve been pretty lazy.

12:09 AM

Today sucked at first but it got a lot better. I woke up with tummy problems that were bad enough that I didn’t wanna stream. Then I barely got any work done and ended up taking the day off which I can barely afford without messing up my schedule. I was supposed to do some kind of mental health exercises/planning today but I didn’t do that. Maybe tomorrow I’ll plan something for me to focus on until Tuesday. I can sort of count taking time off as mission acomplished because of how I had to convince myself to rest like I did, and was successful at actually taking it easy. 

In the afternoon we had GIGA horny hours. It felt really special because in the past I’ve felt the need to perform and that’s almost always made the event stressful for me. But these days I understand it’s about the intimacy, not the performance. At least with someone I’m very close with. I get how hookup culture really is all about performance and nothing else. 

In the evening is when I took it easy and actually chilled out for awhile. I felt extremely tired and my appetite hadn’t healed yet. I ate a light lunch and relaxed playing Spyro while watching a very captivating Star Wars stream. I got to call my bestie and chill with Spyro and then some Minecraft. 

Tomorrow I have to pick myself back up and make sure I do my work, stream or not. Today I sort of forgot that what I do is in fact a job. I do have the flexibility to take a day off when I need it but doing that today was really a stretch. To recover I have to make sure the next commission is done within the next 3 work days which should be doable. I’ll still barely be caught up after that. 

It’s not a big a deal as I make it though. I’m cushioned a little by the guy that pays double to have his commissions guaranteed every month and by the YCHs I’m doing. I only stress because I don’t like having to rely on those cushions because since they are not actually done, it’s like spending money I don’t have yet. I only want to do that in a real emergency. 

I really gotta start getting to bed on time. I almost made it tonight but I was playing Minecraft. I didn’t want the cozy to end. Ideally I’d stop everything I’m doing at 11:30, do my nightly chores, and my nightly journal entry. I should always be in bed on time if I do that.