#felt meh might delete later

[choking-on-dandelions]

Anxious is my default state of mind.

[1redheart]

Okk so this is a recording from over a month ago. The question is wtf was I doing?? My heart is slamming like crazy in the beginning and I'm trying to think of what for, my possible guess is I was experimenting with pressure (since this was around the time I was trying it out) maybe I was getting a reaction I wanted recorded. I might have tried pushes too later or something. I'm only really posting this for the thing in the beginning. Also, I need to figure out what to do for future vids, I went through all my recordings I had and just deleted them because I just felt kinda meh abt em.

I wanna make better content, idk what to do or what people want, I could post like a visible hb thing of my chest, but it feels so personal to me idk if I'm comfortable just yet, though I think I'm getting better at warming up, so one day for sure.

If anyone is open to making recs I could try em out and see, I don't have anything to post from my archive anymore so I'll need stuff lol

[danganronpafan777]

Teruya Otori x Reader Comfort

A/n: Things haven’t been going great, and I had a pretty shitty day. Decided to write this since Teruya is my favorite character, and I wish I could help brighten someone else’s day. Idk, I hate how this turned out and might delete it later.

Welcome to part 4 of ideas that no one asked for; under the cut for depressing themes

"...Y/n?"

At the sound of your name, you approached the door. It was a tiring day. Every day just felt like an opportunity to prove your worth by being useful, and every day, you failed. A part of you yearned for company, while another just wanted to be left alone with your thoughts. 

They knocked at the door. You were snapped out of your thoughts and opened the door. 

You recognized the voice of course, he was your boyfriend after all. 

"Yeah, Teruya?"

Teruya held his hand behind his back and looked up at you with his green eyes that never failed to make you swoon. However, his mouth seemed to twitch, and his eyes seemed to scan you before he finally spoke,

"...Is everything okay?"

"...?"

Everything was fine. That's what you told yourself. That's how you got through every day. That's how you got through the tears and the stress. That's how you got past your sob story that no one would care to hear.

"I'm fine."

Teruya continued to stare at you. He blinked a few times before asking again,

"..A-Are ya sure? Ya seemed a lil'... off today." 

Huh... no one else seemed to have cared. So why did he? Why would someone as kind as him ever like you?

"I'm alright, what about you?"

"...I wanna talk 'bout you." 

"What about me?"

You were beginning to feel irritated. Why was he wasting his time with you? Teruya was the heir to a giant company, and loved his job just as much as he loved his friends. Why was he throwing it away for you?

Teruya was hesitant in his response, instead using his hand to open the door a bit more. Now the two of you were completely face to face. 

"..."

"..."

"Y/n, can I hold your hand?"

You were confused, but slowly held your hand out. Teruya took it, curling his fingers around your hand.

"What's wrong?"

"There's nothing wrong, Teruya."

"...You're not happy right now. And I want you to be happy Y/n."

"It's not that simple."

"I-I know...but... whenever I was sad, my pops would always stay with me and bring me som' candy, and it always made meh feel betta. So I wanna do the same fo' you!"

You couldn't help but chuckle at his expense as he brought out your favorite treats, placing them on a nearby table. He was sweet. It was only natural that he'd pity someone like you.

"I don' pity yah! I love you, Y/n!" He cried. Did you say that out loud? How stupid were-

Your thoughts were interrupted as your boyfriend threw his arms around you. Teruya nuzzled into your shoulder, the same way you would nuzzle his neck whenever you teased him. 

Was he crying too? You'd never forgive yourself if you made him cry.

"I love ya, Y/n... and I'm here for you. I jus' wan' ya to know dat..."

"....why?"

"Huh?"

"Why are you here for me? Don't you have better things to do?"

"...There's nothing more importan' than you, Y/n."

What isn't more important than you? What did he even see in you? Couldn't he see that..

"...I'm worthless." The words slipped out. You didn't even bother to stop them. It was like you wanted to say it but hated yourself for it after. Just like every other goddamn thing you did in your life.

"N-No! You're.. you're not worthless, Y/n... Why would you think that?? I- I love ya! S-So much! I think about ya every day and I don' kno' wha'd I'd do without ya!" Teruya cried, looking back up at you and holding you tighter. His words made you feel nothing but numb.

"..."

"...Y/n... have I evah told you how proud I am of ya? I'm thankful for every day I spend with ya, and our whole class wouldn't be happy without ya! W-We all love you, Y/n. I know it's hard righ' now, but I kno' you'll get through it! I'm here for you. Every step of the way." Teruya's fingers fiddled a bit with your own. He kept eye contact, even as his face was coated in a light blush.

Your eyes burned a bit with tears, but you just held him and didn't let go. The two of you sat like that for a while, and you began to tell him about your day. He stayed quiet through your rant, rubbing your back and giving your hand a small squeeze every few minutes.

Whether you knew it or not, you were everything to him. Even if you thought the world was against you, he was always by your side. Even if the world thought of you as one person, to him you were the world.

Art by @hydrabeebers on Pinterest

[literarykaypoh]

Was Avatar ahead of its time?

Synopsis: Jake, who is paraplegic, replaces his twin on the Na'vi inhabited Pandora for a corporate mission. After the natives accept him as one of their own, he must decide where his loyalties lie.

Rating: 6.5/10

Rewatchability: Meh, a bit too long for my attention span

I think the story really was not what I expected it to be, and given that I watched it almost 10 years after it came out, I'm surprised by some of the things (or lack thereof) they put in.

**SPOILER**

So Jake wakes up from a scientifically-induced coma and is transported to Pandora on a ship. I may be forgetting certain scenes, but I'm pretty sure I was really confused by the start as it wasn't till Jake wheeled to the meeting room that I started to understand our main character. These instances of either deleted or missing scenes is also commonly found throughout both movies.

One thing I also forgot to mention is that after alighting from the ship after all his comrades have done so, inducing several teasing remarks by other recruits, there was no more mention of any non-positive responses to Jake's disability. It's interesting that the director did not pursue this course, as it could have possibly been another reason why Jake found himself being pushed and drawn more into the Na'vi culture.

After the meeting, Jake is seen wheeling himself along the hallways when a friend of his deceased brother introduces himself to him, and they go to the labs to see their avatar bodies. I did find it intriguing that the scientists were chosen to be in the Avatars instead of people who were actually trained to be in combat, considering how they are essentially entering 'enemy territory', whom at this point they were convinced were hostile. For all we know, they might not even have been trained to weld a gun, assuming that it wasn't part of their mandatory training. By extension, it is weird that they decided to use Jake, considering that he isn't a scientist and merely resembles his brother. Really makes you wonder how they chose the people they chose, huh?

Later on, Jake and his team get dropped off in the forest near where the Na'vi live. After being chased by the various wilderness in the forest, Jake gets separated from the rest of his team, leading to fruitless searches from the latter. I would've thought considering how important and dangerous this mission was, and the fact that their avatar bodies are essentially 'test tube babies', there would have been some sort of tracking device imprinted on the body. But perhaps they did not see it necessary as the humans can just inform them where they are once they return to their human bodies.

Eventually, Jake meets Neytiri, the chief's daughter who saves him from the animals and subsequently her village, teaching him about the ways of The People. His newfound friendships with these individuals had mixed responses, one of which was jealousy from Norm. I was relieved to see that this jealousy wasn't something that lasted throughout the movie and eventually subsided away, replaced by more of a brotherly instinct as seen by Norm teaching Jake about the supposed training he missed out on. Speaking of jealousy, it was mentioned in the video how Neytiri, who was to be the next spiritual leader, and Tsu'tey, the next tribe leader were supposed to be mated. Unsurprisingly, Neytiri and Jake eventually fell in love, which led to my growing concern that Tsu'tey would be filled with jealousy, creating animosity between the 2. However, I was pleasantly surprised at the fact that this concern was unfounded as although the 2 weren't exactly friendly, their animosity was not fuelled in any means by Tsu'tey's supposed affection for Neytiri. in fact, it could be said that the 2 hardly held any affection for each other at all, a welcome change from the typical movies of such a genre.

As such things go, we eventually find ourselves at the final battle, which let me just start off by saying that I felt that it was a mess. Sure, an attempt was made at 'uniting all the tribes by having the great leader who rode the best creature call to them', but I felt it could have been more cleanly executed instead of having so many things just left to plot convenience. For starters, the chief's death was one that I felt was quite random. The chief is shown lying on his side with a short, splintered-off branch speared through his front. First of all, if he had gotten stabbed through the front by a fallen branch, he would be lying on his back with the branch through his front. Secondly, I think it's highly unlikely that the branch could have splintered off that close to his chest without something else happening to him. I don't think branches that thick could have splintered off that cleanly and that small naturally. In a similar vein, I think that Tsu'tey's death was also rather cheap. He was said to be the best warrior in the tribe but he got taken out by a random gunshot? At least let him go out fighting or something... All this was done, just to show that the Toruk Makto was undeniably the strongest fighter, when in fact the only reason why Jake received his title was that he had taken the creature by surprise, which put up even less of a fight than his original one did.

Final thoughts before I end. I think that though Trudy's rebellion was expected, it also could have been better established throughout the film. For example, at the start when Jake first met her. There could have been some kind of dialogue sequence, hinting at where her loyalties lay.

"So what made you come here anyway?"

"It's the only place that'll let me fly. Back home, you can't fly if you don't have 20/20"

This way, it kind of hints that she isn't drawn into this political scheme that the movie operates under, and also makes more sense when she comments later on that, "This isn't what I signed up for."

Something else that I thought of is that Grace is the leading investigator on this case and surely would have gone out to Hometree before though unsuccessful. So how is it that the Na'vi people are unfamiliar with her? Surely, she would have encountered one before? Or was Jake really the first person to establish any form of communication with them.

Lastly and perhaps most importantly, the entire grounds on which the movie is made don't really make sense to me. Supposedly, the whole operation is due to the military wanting to obtain some minerals that are only grown below the area where the Na'vi people live including Hometree. Isn't it possible for them to start smaller extraction sites at the extremes and slowly move their way in, extracting the minerals as they go as opposed to driving the whole population out of their home? It's not as if the Na'vi people are relying on the minerals for anything (or at least it wasn't stated). I'm sure that they would have been much more diplomatic if they understand what humans needed as opposed to just forcing them to abandon their home.

[earthpodd]

I think the time for me to do a face reveal has finally come.

Brace yourselves, and careful not to shatter your screens.

[happybird16]

(Kinda tmi?? Idk)

Hm...after reading what you and that anon talked about (I was thinking about it for a while too), I'm getting way more convinced I'm aroace... it's weird to say it actually... I never felt any interest in anyone (sexual or romantic), I do recognize when someone's attractive though; I'm considered an attractive person too, but every single time someone shows they're interested in me i feel so weird. I feel kinda bad in a way because I'm always rejecting, but because i feel nothing towards them I also don't care??? It's weird, I just don't feel anything; meybe some hyper-fixation for a couple of days and if the person is annoying just some hours lmao

I don't ever want to marry and don't really wan't a relationship; can't see myself in one even though i know aroace people can, and some want to, be in one.

I do love thinking about sex, masturbating, etc, but I only feel this need when thinking about fictional people and very rarely people i couldn't ever have like a celebrity (rarely because I'm not attracted to any of them, I was once for this one artists but meh idk real people might be the problem)

Idk what to do.... Levi, specially Levi, is the only fictional character that made me feel free with being sexual and fantasize about romance without feeling weird. It makes me happy, but again, kinda weird because idk what to do irl. I'm okay being alone, it's just confusing thinking about being aroace when I was convinced I was pansexual just bcs I find anyone attractive

Let me know if your uncomfortable with me posting this response publicly, I’ll delete it immediately.

It’s sort of exactly the same for me. I’ve always had the hardest time even telling when someone is hitting on me, but once I realize it it’s immediately an ‘oh god no’ feeling. I feel hot and itchy and uncomfortable and just want out. Even back in high school. Heck, probably even middle school.

I’ve always sort of felt bad too. Like they’re interested in me, why can’t I respond in kind. Everyone else is always obsessed with pairing off like it’s the end all be all, but I just can’t. Like I almost feel like I should be obligated to respond. I also can not tell what flirting is or isn’t, so I feel like I might accidentally lead people on all the time. :(

I’ve never really found an irl person attractive, or even cute. Tbh most people sort of look the same to me. There’s only like a handful of basic facial features and they all sort of blur together. Maybe I have face blindness?? Idk. Anyways, I can find individual features attractive, i’m sure my obsession with muscles is apparent, but never the whole person, ya know? Abs, nice. Arms, nice. Whole thing, ew. Not just for men either, I often find individual features of women nice to look at as well.

Also the whole fact that that’s a bother person, a whole human with their own thoughts and desires, really stresses me out. Like I’m never sure exactly what they want from me, what they think of me and what they expect.

I think anytime I’ve ever shown any interest in someone is because I more or less felt obligated to. Either by society or their interest. There was no actual sexual or romantic intent on my part.

I’m not an expert, and it’s a spectrum so we’re not doubt very different, but don’t be afraid of labeling yourself as something and changing your mind later. It’s your life. You do what you need and if anyone says anything that’s their problem.

I’m not even 100% on the label of aroace for myself, partially because of the comments I’ve gotten from people I know about it. That if I’m asexual I shouldn’t feel any desire ever. No thirsty thoughts and no masturbation. That if I’m Aromantic, how can I watch and enjoy romance movies/shows? Like people don’t understand basic human empathy is what makes us enjoy those things. I’m not emotionless, I’m just a little different.

In the end, you don’t even have to pick a label, just do what makes you feel comfortable. Enjoy being alone and fantasizing about Levi just like me, lol. Ive basically just decided not to stress about it, and just focus on myself since I have no desire to pair off anyways.

(Though I have been contemplating ‘coming out’ on my Facebook next month and urg)

[devinescribe]

Liars

Chapter 13 of '100 Promises'

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

I am... very... very... sorry for not updating this. I've been trying to write for this, got started, halfway through I got bored of the concept, deleted it, and started over. It's still... meh, if I'm being completely honest, but I hope you enjoy

Warnings: talks and mentions of rape, talks and mentions of abuse, swearing, mentions of blood, mentions of bullying. I think that's all, but as always let me know if I missed any.

Finally a hearts game!

You were excited, and so was Niragi. It was low ranking so you weren't worried in the least.

There were a couple others playing with you, and you smiled. There was people to sacrifice if needed. "How fun!" You cheered. Niragi laughed, shaking his head. "You're a crazy bitch you know?" You heard someone say. You turned to face them, and smiled. Your smile looked so innocent, so pure. "Hopefully the craziest bitch you've ever met."

"Game: Maze Of Reflection (can I name things? No.)

Rules: Everyone will be partnered up. You will be asked questions that you can only answer truthfully. The questions will all have relate to you and your life. Your partner will get the questions they must ask you through the headsets on the table.  If you do lie, the headsets send a wave of the worst pain you've ever felt in your life. Once you've lied a total of 3 times, the headsets explode. There is no time limit. If your partner dies before you reach the end, you've basically won. You just find your way through the maze.

Clear condition: Make it to the end of the maze without lying to your partner 3 times.

The headsets will tell you who you're partnered up with. Game commences in two minutes.''

You skipped to the table, grabbing a headset. You noticed everyone except Niragi, Chishiya, and Last Boss, hesitating to grab one. "Well, come on now! You'll die of you don't grab one," you said. So cheerful. So excited. And for what? To watch the people in this room die? Maybe.

You put the headset on, and watched the screen load.

Partner: Player 59725

Below the number was a picture of Niragi. "Oh this is going to be so fucking easy!" Niragi exclaimed. You high-fived him. "Promise number two really saved our asses, hm?" You teased, remembering him saying something about keeping so many promises being dumb.

'Game start.'

You grabbed Niragi's hand, dragging him with you. "First question... oh, OK. What did your best friend promise to do if you were 28 and still single?" You asked. "That we'd get married," he answered. You heard his head set chime. "This is gonna be a bit too easy for my liking," you muttered.

"What cartoon characters did you idolize growing up and why?" Niragi asked. You bumped into a mirror and cursed. "Fuck... um... it was.... L Lawliet for his skills in solving things as well as his cleverness, Light Yagami for his twisted sense of justice, and Misa Amane for my fashion inspiration?" You said, trying to remember correctly. Your head set chimed.

This kept going on for a couple minutes, where you would ask each other a question, and the truth was told.  Then the mirrors lit up.

'Players 11037 and 59725 switch. Your new partners are player 25718 and 617834.'

''So I go with Chishiya, and you go with that guy?" You asked. He nodded with a groan. "Well, I was getting rather bored, weren't you?" You asked him. He looked at you confused. "What do you mean?" Niragi asked. "Well, we know all there is to know about each other. There's nothing new or interesting being found out right now," you explained.

Were you really bored of him? No, not of him. You would never be bored of him. You just wanted a fun and interesting game. You would never get bored of him. Niragi hoped you wouldn't. He didn't want to be alone.

"So, did you bore the game master somehow?" Chishiya teased when you got to him. "I guess you could say that. We have nothing to hide from eachother, so it was getting boring for me too," you explained.

"Who in all actuality took your first time?" Chishiya read off the screen. He looked at you, waiting for your answer. "Easy, it was Niragi," you answered. Then you felt a pain in the bottom of of your stomach as your headset beeped. A voice on the headset called you a liar, as the pain worsened, and you  screamed, falling to your knees. It hurt. Tears built up in your eyes as you tried to deal with the pain. "Are you lying?" Chishiya asked. "No, read the question again please? Just so I can figure out why I got it wrong. I know I'm not. I really did give him my first," you said, holding your stomach. It really was the worst pain you'd ever felt. It made you shudder. How did they know what was the worst pain?

"Who in all actuality took your first time?" He asked again. You thought for a minute.

'I gave Niragi my 'first'. The question is asking who took my first.'

You looked away. "It... it was taken... stolen... by... by a bully from school. One of the guys that tortured me," you stated. You had never admitted that out loud. You hadn't even told Niragi. You heard your head set chime, and looked at the mirrors. They were projecting you.

All of them. In the whole maze. You gasped, scooting back until your back was against the mirror behind you. You stared in horror as it replayed the words you had said. The thing you didn't want anyone to know had now been broadcasted to at least 14 people. The screen changed to Niragi.

"(Y/N) they did what?! And you- you didn't tell me?!" He shouted. "S-suguru, 'm sorry don't be mad at me," you squeaked, hiding behind your hands, as if he were in front of you. As if he would hurt you. "We'll be talking about this later," he said. Then the mirrors went back to being mirrors. Tears rolled down your cheeks. From the pain in your stomach and the embarrassment. The fear of the one person who you looked for approval of might leave you.

You stood up, and read Chishiya's question. "Who's the person you hate most?" You asked, wiping the tears away, holding your stomach. "Hm? Hate is such a strong word. I don't hate anyone-" Chishiya started, before holding his left hand. His eyes widened and he cursed, holding onto it. His headset beeped, and called him a liar. You guessed the pain worsened as he let out a groan of pain, followed by a small yelp when he tried to soothe the b pain. You went over to him looking at his hand in concern. "Are you ok?" You asked, grabbing his hand softly, your fingers barely ghosting over the skin. He hissed in pain, grabbing it back. "Fine. I hate my father. And my mother. I hate my parents," he answered. His headset chimed, and you looked a him in shock. You would've never guessed that was his trauma. "What? Little miss perfect grew up with a perfect family, didn't she? Got everything she wanted, the attention of people she loved?" He spat. You flinched. "Oh, look here's your question now. Who and what do you fear the most?" He asked. "My father and Suguru's father. And I fear being alone, getting hurt by people, as well as disappointing those I love and them leaving me," you answered. Your headset chimed, and you looked over at Chishiya. "Am I still little miss perfect with a perfect family?"

You two finally found your way through the maze, question after question. You didn't want to tell him some things, but it was better than dying.

'Last question is for both players. Tell the truth or you will be executed whether or not it was your third time lying.'

'Why is that the worst pain you've felt in your life?'

"Because... I was left handed. My parents might not have cared about me or anything having to do with me, but they sure as hell cared that I wrote with my left hand. They broke it once. Never wrote with it again," Chishiya answered. You grabbed his hand softly once more, and gave him a look of understanding.

"Mine has a few reasons. When... well when my first was stolen, it hurt. A lot. And when my father found out I gave my first to Niragi... he hurt my stomach. And the kids at school... the ones that tortured Niragi and I... they used to hurt me in similar ways to both reasons I said before," you said. Chishiya gave you a look that you couldn't read. Was it sympathy? Pity?

The screen chimed as well as phones a 'game complete message' across them both, and your headsets dropped to the floor. You grabbed his hand, pulling him out.

Outside, Kuina, Last Boss and another guy was out there. "My partner had a lot of secrets I guess," Last Boss muttered, wiping some of the blood from his arm. "Dude no way! He exploded on you?" You asked. He nodded, very annoyed at the fact they had. "Like, number 1, ew. Number 2, however,  that's pretty fucking cool. What did they have to hide they didn't want to tell?" You wondered. "So... about your maze fiasco? Why did it only broadcast yours? And you and Niragi were the only two who got separated," Kuina asked. "I don't know... but if the game master is going to be a dick, I'm going to start hating these games," you said. "Hey... (Y/N), can I talk to you?" Chishiya whispered, pulling on your arm. You nodded, letting him lead you out of earshot of the others.

"I'm... I didn't know about your family situation. I shouldn't have said you were little miss perfect and assumed," he said, looking off to the side. "I accept your apology," you smiled. "I-i didn't apologize," he stammered. "Can I hug you?" You asked. He looked around, before nodding. You pulled him into a hug, leaning down, and whispering in his ear, "I know that was your way of apologizing. Thank you for telling me the truth... I'm glad I know you a bit better."

"Everything you heard, you say nothing about, got it?" Niragi threatened his partner. They nodded, terrified of him. They left, and Niragi immediately looked for you. He saw you sitting in the backseat of the car. He gave you a look, and you lowered your gaze. Kuina glared at him, sitting besides you in the back. He went over, and sat in the driver's seat. He purposely sat far from you. Last Boss got in the back, Chishiya finally getting into the front seat.

Niragi didn't say a word. He didn't respond to you, Chishiya's taunting. Nothing. You tapped his shoulder, and tried talking to him. "(Y/N), I'm driving. We will talk later," he stated. Was he really that mad?

You rushed into the hotel, rushing into your room. You didn't want to talk to him anymore. He was being mean.

You took a shower, changing into your pajamas, and sitting on your bed. You knew that Niragi would barge in at any second. You knew he would. Even if you didn't want to talk to him, he would.

You heard the door creek open, and got ready. Would he yell at you? Call you names? These were things that you had never thought about when thinking about Niragi.

You didn't look up as he sat on the bed besides you. "We're going to talk about it. I know you don't want to, but we have to," Niragi said. You looked up at him. "Are you mad?" You asked, playing with the fabric of your shirt. "Kind of. Why... first, let me ask, when did this happen?" He questioned. "Mmm... last year of high school... about two months before I gave you my first," you responded. "It wasn't really your fi-"

"To me it was. I didn't give him my first Suguru. He stole it. Why the fuck do you think I was so nervous the whole time?"

"Yeah but it wasn't-"

"It was! I-i... it was to me. Think about it, if your car gets stolen, it's still your car, no? You didn't give it to them... Then... if they stole my first... I still... I didn count as my first. You were. I counted you as my first."

You bit your tongue to stop the tears. You didn't want to cry and seem weak. "I... I'm sorry I didn't tell you... I'm sorry you had to find out about it that way..." you whispered. "I know. It just... makes me a bit upset that you're the one who made promise 9 and you broke it. I wish... you had told me back then, so that I could've helped you," he stated. "You did. You helped me back then. Even without knowing," you said, reaching your hand out to touch his. He pulled back. "How!? I-i- You cried when I- is that why? How could I have helped you if I didn't even know about it?" He asked, raising his voice. You grabbed his hand softly. "Because you showed me that... when it's wanted, when it's with you someone you trust, and when it's with someone you love... sex is a positive thing. It's not something I should be scared of. You gave me a positive image of what it should be like," you explained. He looked at you in shock. He didn't think you had actually felt that way back then, and even now. But it made sense about why you made promise 40 after.

You lay next to him, catching your breath, your hands holding onto him. Every inch of your skin was pressed against his, as if he'd disappear the second you would let go. He held you just as tight.

"Sugu... let's make a promise, yeah?"

"What is it?"

"That if by the time we're 28, and still single, we'll marry each other."

"I'd like that."

"Promise 40, we promise that if by the time we're 28 and still single, we'll get married."

It made so much more sense to him now.

"If you say so..." he muttered. You pulled him into bed with you, getting under the covers. "Sleep in here tonight. Please?" You pleaded, having a pillow and a space for him on the other side of the bed. "Alright," was all he said before getting under the sheets with you. You hugged him, burying your face into his neck. "I hope you know all the neck and back pain I have endured from hugging and sleeping with your short ass," you whispered. He decided to let your comment slide. He'd would just let you relax from the game. Tomorrow was another day.

You hoped you didn't have nightmare again.

[highsocietyhq]

the messages respondents left for the whole group + xee’s proposition and how we’ll be implementing it !

i mean, i just love it here! before hshq i never really stuck around in an rp and never felt like i could get my characters involved, and tbh i usually joined rps expecting to ghost in like 2 weeks. 4+ years later, here i am! i’m not sure how many times this has been said but you guys are a great group of writers: u guys are creative, keep things exciting, and are just great to interact with. i mean it’s just fun to write with people who have developed characters and muses like this group. i’m not sure what else to say, other than y’all r so great.

hi!! i say this all the time on my random sappy posts that i like to make but i LOVE hshq. it's my favorite place and i adore it and even though it's not perfect i do think it's more than worth it to be a member long term here

The caliber of writing in this group is phenomenal and it goes to show just how creative and witty every member is.

i love all of my plots so much and i’m so glad to be in the group !!!! but i wish people did quality over quantity even when doing threads who don’t interact usually. it’s ok not to have 50 threads. a handful of fun exciting and unexpected threads do so much more for the group than numerous threads where nothing happens

we have an excellent group of writers and it's soooo exciting to see what you do but it'd be more amazing to have the chance to expand and part taken outside comfort zones and I want to my part in help this because sometimes we take things for granted and this place has survived this long and there's so many more stories to tell

the only frustrating part about hshq is how it’s impossible to write with every character !

I literally love you guy so much and this group means so much to me

make obi chat daddy again

i wish things could be explored more organically sometimes. it sometimes feels like people have plotted out years in advance at which point there's no reason for characters to interact with each other because you already know the outcome.

you're all beautiful writers and i'm having so much fun writing with everyone

I think you don't need to be afraid to reach out to people and also admins and try to get involved in plots. Being active and offering ideas is always a good thing to feel more included! And also picking up a new character to expend your horizon and give you a chance to interact with more people

i wish people stopped contacting me for plots and then expecting me to do the plotting😢 idm doing a plot with someone when asked but i mind being asked to come up with a plot when i barely have time to develop my current ones

Thanks for what you do!

flashbacks to my hshq defense post years ago ajksdf but i think everyone is a lovely writer and each brings something different to the group! everyone gets so in depth with their chara development and it's amazing to watch charas grow and even watch people develop as writers. we all start somewhere but we're all in this (not so) lil group together just world-building and causing chaos. what more could u ask for?? idrk what else to say atm more head empty jaksdf ily all

i love it here and all of you and i'm sorry my activity sucks sometimes bc i love writing with yall and reading what yall write and come up with and just interacting in general and teaching each other about people

as for xee’s suggestion:

idk if this would be considered mini event or what but what if there were little activities “scheduled in the program” for the royals to take part in if they choose? i’m trying to make this make sense

say at the beginning of the month, a post is made about events/classes/tours in the city they’re in for the royals and participation is optional (no major dash interruption by pausing regular threads). the timeframe would just be “available any time this month” or however long u wish.

say, for instance, we’re in tokyo: a class could be sushi making or an attraction could be a go kart tour through the city. if members want to have their chara attend, they could have an open starter stating it’s taking place at xyz, which might open up opportunities for threads between charas who might not interact normally?

less mini event more so list of potential starter topics ig??? the more i try to flesh it out, the more i’m meh which is why i deleted it at first ok bye

so we were thinking that we’d have BIMONTHLY activities, posted every other monday as long as you guys send us suggestions. we thought it was a fun and easy way to inspire organic threads but we thought it was a bit too much work for us to do research for your threads when everyone who cares can do it themselves too skgdjgkdsn. so starting TOMORROW, we’ll start posting those lists of activities. pls send us ideas !

[lovemesomesurveys]

How old were you the year your favorite movie came out? I have several favorites. 

Whose birthday is coming up soon? One of my cousins has a birthday coming up later this month.

What’s your favorite place to get sushi? I don’t like sushi.

What’s your favorite Paul Rudd movie? I Love You, Man.

Have you ever been involved in Direct Sales Marketing and if so, what company? Nope.

Do you know anyone who lives in Hawaii? No.

When was the last time you applied lotion? A few days ago.

What’s your favorite way to eat a potato, ex.: chips, fries, baked, etc.? All the ways, basically. I love potatoes. 

Do you delete people from Facebook if their views are vastly different than yours? It depends on what we differ on and how they go about it. And who the person was. I might just mute them or something.

Are you planning on having kids? Does that question annoy you to no end? No I don’t and yes it does. It comes up too many times in surveys. 

Have you eaten your favorite food in the past seven days? Some of them.

What was the last phone conversation you had about? I don’t remember.

Do you have a Snapchat and do you just add things to your story or do you send snaps to individual people? I just add stuff to my story. I very rarely send individual snaps.

What’s the closest thing to you with someone’s handwriting on it? There isn’t anything.

What’s your favorite thing to put on bagels? Cream cheese. 

What’s the most important key on your key ring? I only have one key. I have a shit ton of keychains, though haha.

Do you have Spotify and if so, what’s the last song you listened to on it? I don’t remember.

What was the last argument you got in about and who was it with? Meh.

How many social media outlets do you have and which ones? All the main ones. 

At what age did you start picking out your own outfits? *shrug* Maybe 3rd grade?

Have you ever been to a Rocky Horror Picture Show Shadowcast where people act out the movie while it’s playing and the audience yells things callbacks? Yeah, a few times actually. They’re fun.

How spicy do you like your food? I can’t have spicy food anymore. :(

Do you have a scented-wax warmer? Well, my mom does.

Who’s your favorite director? Hmm.

When was the last time you walked through your front door? This past Friday. 

What would you do if you accidentally got pregnant? That can’t happen.

Are you going to or did you see the new Star Wars? I’ve seen them all.

What’s your favorite Netflix show? I have a few.

What was the last really intense pain you felt? One of the health things I had was causing me a lot of pain a few months ago.

[oveliagirlhaditright]

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33251170

Eri had felt somewhat left out, when Shiki had a new group of friends... who clearly all knew some inside thing that she didn't. And Beat ended up telling Eri this thing (though not out of selfish reasons. It was when the world was threatened once more, and they thought they might need her Imagination), and sometimes... all it takes is one voice to make you feel needed and alight your Soul. BeatEri. Oneshot. Post Neo. Way in the future fic. I don't think there are any Neo spoilers here... But still maybe don't read, unless you've finished Neo, just to be safe.

I See You

Eri had had a crush on Beat for a long time.

And she knew how cliché that was: that the pretty, popular girl would have feelings for such a handsome man (though he was a skater boy, and she had never said "see you later, boy").

But what could she say? There had just been something endearing about him that Eri could easily see, when Shiki would go from hanging out with her, to spending time with him. Especially after the guy Shiki had loved, Neku, had vanished, and it had seemed like Beat was one of the few people who could who make Shiki feel better in the slightest after that—and Eri was eternally grateful to him for that.

And the times she'd seen him with his little sister, Rhyme, also scored big points for Beat in Eri's book, since anyone who cared about their sibling was someone who should be cherished, in her eyes. Eri had lost a little brother when she was young, and she still wasn't over it, thank you very much. She probably never would be.

But more than anything, Eri appreciated that Beat actually explained the Reapers' Game stuff to her, so she wouldn't be left out...

Though he probably shouldn't have, because Joshua--who sometimes still gave her the chills—had looked like he was going to kill her or Beat for that when he had... but since nothing had happened since then, Eri now saw it as a blessing that she was no longer out of the loop.

And to Beat's credit... he hadn't told her about the Game willy-nilly or selfishly, but when Shibuya was threatened a third time, she guessed, and everyone had decided they could use all the help they could get. Apparently, they'd thought about bringing Eri into the UG, in thinking her Imagination must be pretty high, for being the lead designer for Gatto Nero.

That hadn't happened, in the end. But when Eri had heard her city—and possibly other regions beyond it—was in danger, she'd been willing to kill herself to end up in the Game, to help the Players and Game Masters out.

But for now, she just carried a badge on her in case she was finally needed, if destruction was threatened a fourth time for Shibuya... since it was sadly trendy at this point?

Anyway, it was for all of these reasons that Eri liked Beat... but she didn't think he'd ever feel the same way about her. He was a living legend as much as Shiki, Neku, Rindo, Joshua, and the Wicked Twisters of old and new were. And who was she in comparison to that?

But the reason Eri had started thinking about Beat right now, was because she was a normal maiden who wanted a mate and those sorts of things, she supposed.

...But also, because she saw Jupiter of the Monkey was having a contest right now, where you were paired up with someone, to see which team could come up with the best new pin design... and thinking of the Reapers' Game—the Reapers' Game of old, that she had never been a part of; now they used badges instead of the old pins, apparently—Eri found that she really wanted to do this. With Beat in particular. But she doubted that he would ever be game for it. Or that any of the Hachiko Group, Wicked Twisters, or Blindfold would be, really.

But it was just as she was having that self-deprecating thought, that Beat just happened to come from Tokyu Hands to Cat Street, and saw her there. And Eri couldn't help beaming the moment that he did approach her.

"Yo-yickity-yo-yo-yo, Eri. What's crackin'? You thinkin' about buyin' some pins here? Man, does the thought of ‘em bring back memories."

"Actually, Beat," Eri corrected, a smile even wider on her face somehow, as she crept closer to him, "I'm thinking of entering the contest here, to try and make a winning design for a pin. I make clothes... but I've never tried my hand at this sort of art before. I think it might be a fun hobby. Wanna join me?"

And it took all that Eri had within her, not to stand on her tiptoes and kiss Beat, as a sort of drunk on happiness feeling overtook her. Perhaps someday: if she was fortunate to win all the gods above’s favor, in order to make him love her, but not now…

"Yo! That right there sounds like all kindsa fun. I'm ona break from the Olympics, so I could dig doin' tha' right now. Just give me the detes on where's you want ta meet up and I'll be there!"

And Eri did just that, thinking that maybe fortune was perhaps smiling on her again, after all.

And she and Beat began the vigorous task of making a pink pin—something that Beat had not been on board with at all at first, but eventually Eri convinced him of it with a neat black background that looked like space—that was somewhat reminiscent of the ones you'd get in America's "Hot Topic", before they stopped selling them, but that was also completely original. Eri knew, because she’d lived in America for a few years, before moving back to Japan and meeting Shiki…

When Beat and Eri were done, they had what looked like a pink sun setting across the solar system—looking striking as it did so--and Eri couldn’t have been more pleased with it if she could try. And she could tell that Beat felt the same way, too.

"I don't care if we win or not, yo. This pin is sick, and I'mma wear it when I go back to work, and maybe see if I can make pins in again. But why'd ya wanna make it so badly, Eri?"

And, damnit. Beat was giving Eri the puppy dog pout—in her room no less—and so she felt all her walls crumbling down, and her mouth moving to tell him the truth, despite itself.

"...I don't know. I guess because it represents something I feel I can never reach with you guys: Your first Reapers' Games. But Beat... you tried to include me in all that… so I guess I can touch it a bit more through you, than I could have otherwise. And I- I like you for that. So- so thank you."

And Eri couldn't believe that she'd just admitted that she liked Beat, so out of the blue, when she was certain he wouldn't feel the same way. And so matter-of-factly, too.

But fortunately, he seemed to realize what she meant right away, Eri guessed (that she liked-liked him, to sound like a fourteen-year-old again, and not just as a friend), as he suddenly knelt in front of her and held her hands in his own. Was he preparing to just soften the blow, or-

"Eri, you're on our level. Ai'ight? Don't even think otherwise! You was ready to throw down wit us. And might have to in the future, sadly… Oy. And if it weren't for you, Shiki would have done no designin', and might not have had her Mr. Mew psych to save Phones in the first Game. And then we all woulda been wrecked. So, be like Shiki and 'ppreciate yourself now, yo. Or I'll have to do it all for you...

"And, to be frank, I wouldn' mind havin' ta learn ta do that. Jus' give me a lil’ time here, ta be able to recipr'cate your feelings."

And Eri laughed. And then pulled away from Beat some, and put her hand over her heart like a girl getting everything she ever could have asked for from a marriage proposal from a worthy man. To her, it was as good as that.

And Eri leaned down and kissed Beat's forehead.

It was the nice start of something new. And something sweet, since they didn't win the pin contest, but Eri wouldn't complain. It was her first rodeo with that kind of thing, after all.

And Beat wearing it as he snowboarded on TV was really all she'd ever need.

Author’s Note: I wrote this to try and figure out Eri’s character again—because I used to write her a little, back in the day—for another fic, maybe. And because I wanted to write Beat.

So, the two things combined, and we have Beat/Eri… which I used to ship, though I don’t know if I do anymore.

So, I wrote this for my younger self, so to speak… Especially since I deleted the one Beat/Eri fic I wrote, back in the day. And this one’s much better.

The Hot Topic line, was because I was trying to show that pins had really become unpopular in recent years! Like, they were once all the rage there, as well. But now they weren’t. But now it sort of seems like an unnecessary line, meh.

And Beat swapped his skateboard for a snowboard:)

[oliviastan17]

Just a dream (1/7)

Summary: You are the prop manager working on the set of FATWS and that means you are in charge of putting the Winter Soldier arm on Sebastian Stan. Feelings develop (for one of you) and the pair’s mutual friend Chris Evans steps in to be a wingman.

Warnings: 18+, language, fluff, smut, drinking

Length: 3.5k (ish)

A/N: So this was a dream and I dream in stories…like they pick up again where they left off every couple of days (it’s weird I know). I already had dream #2 but I’m probably not going to post it unless someone asks for it. Also I have never written anything before so be nice…or don’t…whatever. Feel free to reblog. DO NOT POST TO ANY OTHER WEBSITE! And thank you @sinner-as-saint for helping me!

Even outside the trailer you could hear the laughter. One you recognized.

Knock knock knock.

Sebastian answered the door.

“Hey, I need to get you in your arm,” you said.

The words took no more than 3 seconds to say but he was immediately fascinated with you.

“No fucking way! Y/n?!”

You watched Chris as he walked out of Sebastian’s trailer and down the stairs to give you a hug.

“Oh God, what are you doing here? Are you just following me around now?” you responded.

“Ha ha,” he said sarcastically wrapping you up in a hug. “Just came to see some friends. I’m working across the lot. How have you been?” he asked crossing his arms.

“I was great and then you showed up,” you said smiling casually while holding a winter soldier arm in your hands.

“Seb, Y/n here is the best prop manager there is. I mean her personality is kinda “meh” but she’s great at her job!” he said laughing as he dodged your kick

“Evans, go away or I will very happily show your friend here those pictures I only told you I deleted.”

He threw his arms up. “Okay, I’m gonna go find Mackie. Watch out for this one,” he said pointing at you to Sebastian. “She’s nothing but trouble.”

“God, he’s like that annoying brother you can’t get away from,” you said laughing. “Arm please,” you said shaking a bottle of lube.

“Best part of the day,” Sebastian sarcastically said.

He took his jacket off, pulled his arm out of the sleeve of his shirt and held it out while you poured lube from his elbow down to his fingers and began to spread it around to cover his entire muscular forearm. His eyes were immediately drawn to the diamond ring you wore on your left ring finger. Damn, she’s taken.

You didn’t see when Chris turned around and started walking back towards you. Your back was to him and he took the opportunity.

He snuck up behind you and screamed “Y/N!”

Your scream made several crew members turn their heads.

“I fucking hate you so much,” you said as he laughed hysterically.

“I forgot to ask you…I’m producing this project coming up and we need a prop manager and I think you would be perfect for…”

“No!” you cut him off. “I am never working with you again. Ever!”

“Sounds great! I’ll call you! Thanks Y/n!” he said as he walked away ignoring your rejection. You didn’t really mean it anyway.

“I swear I’m going to release those photos,” you said to Sebastian. “And you better warn me if you see him coming back over here.”

“I will, I promise. What kind of photo’s are they?”

“Let’s just say he may or may not have passed out after a wrap party and I may or may not have taken some compromising pictures.” Your smile almost took the breath out of him.

“Okay, you have to show me now…”

 “I’m going to keep holding them over his head for now. Especially if he’s going to keep hanging out over here.”

Your walkie talkie made a beep and an assistant radioed asking which gun they were using for Falcon today.

With the metal arm successfully in place you wiped her hands on a towel and took the walkie out of your back pocket and radioed that you would be there in a minute.

“Okay, how’s that feel? You can move and everything?”

“Yeah it feels great,” Sebastian said while wiggling his hand around.

The walkie went off again and you excused yourself to go deal with your next task. As he watched you walk away he mumbled to himself, “God I’m in trouble.”

 *****************************************************************************************

He had never enjoyed going to work so much. He always liked going to work but not as much as he did now. Going meant he got to see you. You fascinated him. You were funny, a tad mysterious and absolutely gorgeous.

Over the past few months he had grown to like you even more and he wasn’t sure how that was possible. But for the last week he couldn’t help but notice you weren’t your normal happy self…and your ring was missing. It was an cruel symbol staring him in the face every time you were handing him some prop for a scene or putting the arm on which, lucky for him, was every day this week.

“What happened to your ring?” he asked as you were pouring the KY on his arm.

“Oh…um… I tend to take off jewelry given to me when the person that gave it to me cheats.” You took a deep breath and avoided making eye contact.

“I’m sorry.”

That was all he could think to say. He could tell you didn’t want to talk about it so he didn’t press anymore.

Your walkie beeped-“Y/n, I can’t find the phones we need for today. Or the knives. Or the shield.”

With an annoyed expression on your face you looked down at your hands which were covered in lube and you had (of course) forgotten the towel. Your walkie was in the normal place, in your back pocket.

“Can you help me out?” you asked turning around signaling you wanted him to take the walkie out of your pocket. He did and held the button down so you could speak.

“I was just in the prop room 5 minutes ago and laid everything out. It’s all there. Look harder,” you said as you rolled your eyes and continued to help Sebastian into the arm.

A minute later there’s another beep- “Y/n I still can’t find ‘em.”

“You’ve gotta fucking be kidding me,” you said under your breath.

Nodding at Sebastian to push the button on the walkie you replied “Yeah, ok I’ll be right there.”

You were finished putting the arm on but still had no towel to wipe your hands. You turned around again to have Sebastian put the walkie back in your pocket. He did so being careful not to take advantage of the situation even though he very much wanted to. As you walked away he felt his chest ache. Who the fuck would cheat on you? He also felt a little guilty for being so happy that you were now single.

*******************************************************************************************

 It was maybe a month later when he finally started to notice you were getting back to smiling, laughing, and generally being the woman he was first so attracted to. Filming was on a break for a week for Thanksgiving and he was missing going to work. In fact, he was counting down the days until everyone was back on set. Deciding distraction was the way to go he went out to get a start on Christmas shopping. Wandering aimlessly through a store he stopped dead in his tracks when he heard your voice and looked up.

You were walking towards him with bags in one hand and the hand of a small child in your other. Running your fingers through your hair you stopped to look at some toys sitting on the end of the aisle and he could hear you asking the child to choose between 2 toys.

“Which one should we get for Noah?”

She pointed at one after some thought and then went to grab the other one.

“This one is for me.”

“Hmmm…Well maybe Santa will bring that one for you for Christmas. But we’re not getting it today.”

She didn’t like that answer and proceeded to argue with you and eventually started to fake cry and throw a fit.

Squatting down to be on her level you calmly said “Hey you need to calm down. Do I need to call Santa and tell him you’re not behaving?” She shook her head no and then found a ball to play with.

“That’s what I thought,” you said with a laugh. As you stood up you saw Sebastian walking towards you with that ridiculously handsome smile.

 “I didn’t know you had a little girl.”

“She’s my niece.”

He nodded in understanding.

“Harper, this is my friend Sebastian. Can you say hi?” you said to the three year old now hugging your leg.

Sebastian knelt down. “It’s nice to meet you Harper,” he said as he held his hand out for a handshake. She shook her head no and hid behind your legs.

“How about a high five?” he asked. She shook her head no again.

“What about knuckles?” you suggested and Harper smiled and extended her fist to pound into his.

Sebastian and you talked about nothing in particular for 5 minutes while Harper continued to play with the ball she was still holding and then (of course) decided to start acting up again.

“Oh man, where’s my phone to call Santa?” you said while you looked through your purse and pulled out your phone.  Harper once again settled down and got distracted by pushing buttons on a different toy.

“Wow that works really well,” Sebastian said with a laugh.

“Yeah except for the time I was talking to “Santa” and she ripped the phone away from my ear and realized there was no one there.”

“Well we can’t have that.” He grabbed the phone out of your hand. “I’m putting my number in your phone so when you call “Santa” that won’t happen again.”

“Oh you don’t have…”

“Done.” He handed the phone back to her with his signature grin.

Before you could argue with him more you felt someone tug on your sweater.

“Auntie I have to go potty.”

“Alright let’s go. Say goodbye to Sebastian.”

Harper shyly waved goodbye.

“Bye Harper. Make sure to tell your Aunt you want to talk to Santa later. I’m sure he’s just waiting for your call to hear about your day.”

 Later that night….

“So it’s getting kinda late and Santa hasn’t heard from you (sad face emoji)”

You looked through your texts and saw that he had texted himself from your phone. Sneaky.

“Well she doesn’t live with me and I thought it might be a little weird to have my brother call you lol”

“OK I guess that would be a little strange. Are you planning on stopping by James’ tonight?”

“I wasn’t planning on it.”

“Could I change your mind on that?”

“I don’t know. Give it your best shot.”

He took a picture of himself pouting and sent it.

“Please?”

“I’m not convinced…”

He took a more dramatic crying photo and sent it.

“What about now?”

“Nope. Gonna have to try harder.”

He had someone take a photo of him with his head in his hands. Chris was sitting next to him pointing at Sebastian while making the gesture of a tear falling down his cheek. You laughed at the picture.

“I guess I could use a drink…” 

You could hear Mackie’s booming laughter as you walked into the bar. He and Sebastian were playing darts and arguing about the rules while others were playing pool. It was a dive bar, low key and relaxed environment. Just the kind you liked.

“Anthony enough with the thighs! What do your thighs have to do with you sucking at darts?” Sebastian yelled.

Anthony laughed and saw you walking towards them.

“Hey, Y/n come watch me teach Seb a lesson!” he said as he threw the dart at the target and completely missed.

“I’m gonna get a drink first Hawkeye,” you laughed.

Sebastian watched you as you walked away. After ordering you leaned against the bar resting your elbow on it. You were laughing at something someone said as you reached for your drink when Chris spotted you. He snuck up on you while your back was turned and grabbed your shoulders.

“Y/N!”

“Oh my god!” you yelled while you brought your hand up to your racing heart. “Why are you always doing that?”

“You’re just too easy to scare. I can’t help it. I’m sorry!”

“No, you’re not!”

“Yeah, I know I’m an asshole,” he said laughing. “But you know who’s not an asshole? Sebastian.”

He saw the genuine confusion on your face. “I think he’s into you so I’m just here to put in a good word for him.”

He sensed your hesitation. “Look, he really wanted you here tonight and he hasn’t stopped looking for you since you said you were coming. I know you just got out of your last relationship…and I told you I never liked that guy…but I just want you to know that Seb’s one of the good guys okay? Just keep an open mind.”

You nodded and took a deep breath.

“Now, let’s get you drunk,” he said as he handed you a shot which you downed and chased with a beer. After one more shot courtesy of Chris and a refilled beer you began to feel the effects before you had even finished walking over to the tables the rest of the crew were at by the dart boards.

Sebastian gave you hug as you walked up. “So am I always going to need Chris here to help me convince you to come out?”

“Actually you had me convinced with the first photo. I was just curious to see what else you would come up with,” you laughed.

“I like a challenge,“ he said with a mischievous grin.

The night was full of laughter, stolen looks, and many, many drinks thanks to a drinking game you and Sebastian created.

“Take a shot every time Chris laughs and grabs his chest,” you whispered to Sebastian.

He laughed. “We’re going to get alcohol poisoning.”

Five shots into the night Chris had figured out what the two of you were doing so the game was called off. It was a little before 2 am and by that point most members of the group had either left or started to arrange for rides home.

When your Uber was less than 5 minutes away Sebastian walked outside with you to wait for both of your rides. It was cold outside and you stood with your arms crossed, shifting your weight and taking small steps to try and warm up.

“Come here,” Sebastian said as he put his arms around you in a hug.

“You smell like whiskey and ceder wood,” you said laughing. 

“Is that a good thing?” he laughed.

“Yes, you smell good.”

You lifted your head up and made eye contact, your faces only inches apart. You both starred into each other’s eyes for a good 10 seconds before your phone chimed and you broke the stare grabbing your phone to check where the car was.

“Ugh! Dumb ass is nowhere near here. He’s just driving in a circle 2 blocks away.”

Sebastian’s Uber pulled up right then and he opened the door.

“We can share mine.”

You got in the car on the passenger side as he held the door and scooted over to the driver’s side to make room for him. After giving the driver your address you relaxed in your seat leaning your head back on the headrest. 

“Ah I needed this so much tonight.”

“I think the words you are looking for are ‘thank you Seb for getting me to come out tonight.’”

“Thank you Seb.” As you said the words the most breath taking smile took over his face. Why it took Chris saying what he said to open your eyes to the absolute beauty sitting next to you, you’ll never understand.

The rest of the ride is filled with flirts and teasing.

"Well this is me. Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you later,” you said as you gave him a hug.

“Not if I see you first.” He dropped his head and brought his hand up to rub his forehead as he realized what he said was completely cheesy.

“Very smooth.” Laughing you stepped out of the car and Sebastian watched you walk up to your door. He couldn’t believe someone as stunning, kind, and incredible as you existed. 

As the Uber drove away he was lost in his thoughts. You made him nervous and he said that stupid “not if I see you first” line. What was he thinking?

He only lived about 15 minutes from you but he felt like the ride only lasted 30 seconds. Time flew when he thought about you. When he arrived at his house he opened the door to get out of the car when a light caught his eye. It was a cell phone left on the seat. It was your cell phone.

“Turn around,” he told the driver with a smile on his face. Thank God someone decided to text you at the exact right time.

The driver pulled up to the house and Sebastian walked up to your front door and rang the doorbell. He told himself to actually be smooth this time.

You answered the door in pajamas (black leggings and an off the shoulder red sweatshirt). Hair up in a messy bun and makeup off you were still the most beautiful person he had ever seen.

“Hey, what’s up?”

“You forgot something,” he said holding up your phone.

“Oh my god, thank you,” you said as you let out a sigh of relief. “I thought I left it at the bar or something.”

“I forgot something too.” He walked towards you until his lips were less than an inch from your face. His hand cupped the back of your neck while the other wrapped around your waist with his eyes never leaving yours. He waited for any sign of rejection and when you gave none he pressed his lips to yours. It was soft at first and you wrapped your arms around his neck. As he deepened the kiss you pushed the door shut and the two of you walked further into your house while your lips never left each other.

He had you pinned against the wall kissing your neck while his grip around your waist tightened. Picking you up so that your legs wrapped around his waist he carried you to the bedroom where he sat down on the bed as you straddled his thighs. You smiled against his lips and he broke the kiss to stare at you while tucking a few stray hairs behind your ear.

You pulled his face closer to yours and kissed him while taking off his jacket. He removed his shirt and then slipped his hands up and under your shirt to remove it. As his hands caressed your back you began to move your hips to grind on him. He let out a soft moan as he grabbed you to place your back on the bed and climbed on top of you.

He kissed you with unbelievable passion as his hands felt every inch of you they could. He slipped his hand down the front of your leggings just as he slipped his tongue into your mouth. You moaned as he rubbed your clit. Your back arched as he kissed his way down from your neck to your breasts to your stomach. He watched you bite your lip as he peeled your pants off and licked his lips before crashing them back onto yours. He had his fingers curling while pumping in and out of you while his mouth moved perfectly with yours. Sebastian was somehow able to touch you in every single right spot at the right time and soon he felt your walls clamp down on his fingers while you moaned in release.

Watching him take his pants off and bite his lip was the sexiest thing you had ever seen. No words were needed. He somehow knew what you wanted and performed expertly. He moved in and out of you at the perfect rhythm. It did not take long for you to come completely undone as he brought you to a shaking orgasm. Watching you completely lose control made him come soon after.

As you both laid there recovering he brought his right hand up in the air with his palm facing you. You slapped it with the palm of your left hand and you both laughed at the after sex high five. It was something that would be repeated 2 other times that night.

Next Part

[hannaswritingblog]

haha, okay, so here I go! Only 5 questions from me! 🌸 Asks for book meme:

3. A book you found overhyped, and why

5. Which genre(s) don’t you read? Why not?

6. If you read in more than one language, is there a difference between the experience of reading in your native language(s) and reading in other languages?

10. The book(s) you bought because the cover was pretty, and whether it was worth it

15. The book that you reread over and over again and get new things from every time

After some turbulences, here come book meme answers! haha (I swear I'm not gonna delete those ask games so soon again)

Also, next time you don't have to send the whole questions, you can just give me numbers and I'll copy them myself. Only if I ever happen to reblog two or more of those at the same time, please be specific which one they are for. :)

3. A book you found overhyped, and why

The first title to appear in my head was All The Bright Places by Jennifer Niven. I don't know if I can fully say it's overhyped but it has surprisingly good ratings on all those book pages (as in goodreads and lubimyczytać) and I remember at the point I read it, it felt really mediocre and definitely not as good as I expected. It wasn't too bad, but I read better books around that time, and I don't even have the urge to come back to it and check if my opinion would change.

5. Which genre(s) don't you read? Why not?

Apparently in last, like, 10 years I haven't read a single horror book. I'd love to say it's because I don't like the scary vibe, but on the other hand, I've watched a couple of horror movies in my life that I liked and I'm a huge fan of creepypastas, but I consume them in audio forms or in those short bits on forums and stuff. I guess getting the same thing in a form of a whole book just isn't tempting.

6. If you read in more than one language, is there a difference between the experience of reading in your native language(s) and reading in other languages?

My native language is Polish, but I'm also fluent in English and I read in both those languages. I feel like when I read in English it's harder for me to get the emotional load that specific scenes are supposed to have. I can get very emotional while reading in Polish, but with English I still need to focus a little more on understaning the direct meaning of the words and as much as I can still imagine how the scenes go this way, filtering the words makes it harder for me to understand this emotional layer that isn't always conveyed directly with words. So yeah, there is a difference, it might be getting better with time but I still feel it.

10. The book(s) you bought because the cover was pretty, and whether it was worth it

It was really hard to answer this one because I am a visualiser when it comes to buying books. The cover is usually a deciding factor for me and I can say oh, the cover is pretty about the majority of books I own. But I decided to pick three that stood out to me the most when I scanned my bookshelves.

I bought Girl Online mainly because of its contents but the cover is the aesthetic and it was a deciding factor when I bought it.

The second book (Dziewczyna o kruchym sercu) is my main example for buying a book because the cover was pretty. When I was roaming around the book store one time I found it and five minutes later I owned it.

The last cover (Przepowiednia dla Romanowów) isn't pretty per se but I spotted it in the bookstore when I was in the middle on my Russian history interest and that photo of Rasputin literally haunted me for months until I bought it.

Was it worth it? I'd say yes. None of those books ended up being my all time favourite but I enjoyed them and I might even reread all of them one day unlike All The Bright Places lol.

15. The book that you reread over and over again and get new things from every time

I don't really have any books that I would reread over and over again. I mean, I reread some books recently but mainly because I didn't actually remember anything and what I got from them was either ooh, I like them more than I thought or meh, I thought it was better.

Thanks for asking! 💜

[ravens-words]

Alex Manes Week 2020

Day 2: AU

Here, with you, I'm finally home

When Alex was eight years old, his father took him with him to work. Young Alex had been excited, thinking his father wanted to spend some time with him, alone, but that excitement had died down when he'd left him in an office with strict instructions to not leave the room.

Alex, like any eight year old in his position, didn't listen.

He snuck out of the office and did his best to go unseen. On the other end of the hallway, a couple of men in uniform were coming down the stairs and Alex realized that in a few minutes, he would be caught if he didn't hide. He was lucky enough on that moment to find a room with its door wide open, and he understood seconds later why it was. Two men wheeled in what looked like a cage inside the big room and Alex followed after them, a sence of morbid fascination driving him close rather than away.

Inside the cage was an old woman. 

She looked tired, her hands wrapped around the metal bars of the cage she was trapped in. Her blonde hair was dirty and her eyes were sad. Alex, too young, too innocent, had felt the need to help her. He rose up from his crouched position behind some crates, but before he could get anywhere near the cage, four other people came into the room and the woman was pulled out of the cage.

She tried to fight, but stopped when one of the men holding her slapped her. Alex flinched and tried not to remember his father doing the same thing to his mother. He watched as she was strapped down to a chair, and he saw a woman, wearing a white coat like his doctor's, inject her with something. He winced in sympathy as the woman screamed; he hated needles, too. 

Everyone in the room gathered around her, all quiet and serious and waiting for something. So Alex waited too, and when things in the room started to rattle and fall off shelves, he panicked and crawled back, huddling into the corner of the room. Everyone in the room seemed scared, but none more so than the woman herself. She kept screaming, and try as he might, Alex couldn't understand a word she was saying.

With his determination to help her renewed, Alex did his best to quietly move towards her as everyone seemed to move away. An alarm sounded in the distance and the next thing he knew, her eyes were locked with his. He moved one step closer and everything seemed to stop. He froze, and when he was able to move, he saw that everyone was watching him.

The doctor was looking at him funny, and when he smiled, it sent shivers down Alex's spine. "Get Staff Sergeant Manes in here. Now."

Alex swallowed, hard. He chanced a look at the woman, only to find her watching him, eyes wide and scread, her mouth open in a soundless scream.

He wondered if the look on her face meant she was scared of him now, and he wondered why she would be.

.................. Continue On AO3 .................

AN: I was so excited to post this fic, but now that I've finished it, it feels like, meh... I honestly wa this close to deleting the whole thing, but I really wanted to stick to my plan of writing for every day of Alex week. Hopefully it doesn't suck too much???

[usedtobeyours]

try hard dick energy: a fairytale

try hard dick energy got his nickname after almost 3 months of me seeing him

he used to be soft dick energy first. 

we met through friends, as i usually like it to go. 

on a regular thursday, we started chatting and we kind of fit. his music seemed to be a perfect match to my favorites. i listened to his playlist that whole week. 

a week later we met at said friends’ home, on the day before a holiday. 

my first impression was meh. but than again, it had been over 5 months since i even kissed another guy. 

conversation went on, and my thinking was: wow, i can actually be friends with this dude

then we got drunk and he ended up waiting for when my friend went to the bathroom to kiss me. again, a meh kinda kiss. but again, 5 months. it still felt nice, butterflies and all. 

i was on my period, maybe day four of it. after my friend went to sleep, we started drunkenly making out and he tried taking my clothes off. i was like no, no way, i have my period. and he said he didn’t mind. i wasnt sure i did. 

then, a call that was just the best to get. friend #2 coming home from a date. we chatted on the dining room and i tried keeping her there for as long as i could before she started bobbing her head. to this day, he swears i was making faces at her for her to leave. that’s certainly not how i remember that. 

she went to bed, we made out for a while, i took my menstrual cup out and we fucked. and we slept just as we were. i don’t remember much, but i do remember him saying: “was it too fast?” and like a good girl, i said it didnt matter. that’s how he got his soft dick energy nickname as i retold that story on the day after.

oh, the day after. we slept at around 6, and he was out of the apartment as i was still sleeping. my friends and i wanted to go to the beach, but that part of the story doesn’t matter much for this tale. we talked. and talked.

on thursday, two days later, i was headed to my guy best friend’s house bringing my other best friend - #1 from the first story. he picked us up from her place - his place was closest to my guy best friends house, but he did it anyway. we sat, and we got high, and drunk. we made out whenever everybody wasn’t around. i had to teach him that people don’t smoke inside people’s homes without asking - and in the window. duh.  

he then left for a weekend away with his friends. it was the first time i missed him, and i spiraled into a weird depression mood from lack of attention. that’s how needy i was. am. 

from then on we didn’t see each other for two whole weeks. he traveled, then i traveled, and weekdays were never his thing. we still talked everyday, and kept up with each others lives. we shared stickers, and said we missed each other. just the weird 16 year-old romance i yearned for. 

we met again three weeks later. he really wanted to go to my girl best friend’s house, but she didn’t really want him there. we went for a beer on the beach - which turned into 6 really quick. by 10 pm, he forced his way into my girlfriends’ house, even though she didnt want him there. we made out a bit, and he left. i was so in love.

then the chat continued slower than before. carnaval went by, he didn’t want to join us for it. i moved, he didn’t want to come by. we seemed to chat, but it always revolved around him. he took up 3 weeks of my therapy sessions, but i kept chatting. it was good. it filled up my neediness - and my time. it was like a long distance relationship. weekends were lonely and kind of sad. my luck is that bracco was in rio, and i was getting to know noemi. they kept me busy. 

he moved into a new apartment. it was around his birthday. i think it 15 days that we didnt see each other, but it felt like a month. that day it was all SO clear to me. 

you invited me over to your place. i hadnt seen you in forever, but you said i shouldnt bring anything. i drank a beer on my way there, out of nervousness. i also brought you m&ms. your roommate was wearing a bra in the living room. she was nice, we drank beer, smoked, and chatted. it felt weird. and then, she came up with the whole depressed comment.

let me explain: we were talking about her sabbatical, she wanted to go away for a year once she was 27. i was sharing resources and a bit of my miami experience. she then said: “oh, miami. thats where you got depression”. as if depression was something you catch. as if i told her about it. as if you told her about it and she felt we had a relationship where she could just bring that up?! not sure. i was weirded out for the rest of the night. at some point, you brought me into your room and kissed me. i couldnt really get into it. you said: “we dont have to do anything”, but you kept kissing and groping me. it’s not like you backed off and said: “whats going on?”

so i caved, and we fucked. and it was mechanical. and short. and plain out boring. i left 20 minutes after, and you seemed to be happy i did. 

my brain was a mix of feelings. i was in love, but then everything about that night was so fucking weird. being with you felt weird. the next day, you were weird too... i tried calling, but you called me back right when it was bbb time. 

and i was talking to noemi in the balcony, and it was a whole thing about not being available for people who dont show themselves available. we didnt talk again until saturday, and i decided to cut you off for good. i unfollowed you on social, unfollowed myself from your page, deleted your number. it wasnt until wednesday that you realized and reached out. 

you were all: we havent talked to each other in a week, and im also to blame for that... and so i told you i was upset about more than one thing that happened on wednesday, you exposed me to your roommate and i felt invaded. so i decided to pull myself away from this relationship. you apologized, but took no responsability for the rest of non caring. and thats what i wanted. so i cut you off. 

it was two weeks, and two therapy sessions in which my therapist said i should have talked to you before cutting you off. and turning you off was good: i started focusing on shit that mattered to me. 

but then i rethought it all. and i said, maybe we should have a grown up conversation. so i followed you, and opened up the conversation again. you said you were happy - you never thought you’d hear from me again. 

but you did. and i told you i was open for talking, and for getting things back as they were. you said you were too, but then you disappeared for two other weeks. 

and i felt done. over it. truly with no intent to see it moving. conversation was off and on. until last week it took on again. and we chatted for two days before you suggested a visit to my place. i was okay with it, cause then again, quarantine neediness is always present. and - for the first time ever - you were here on friday. you brought wine and condensed milk.

we chatted for two hours and it was boring as fuck. i hoped my roomies would join us. they did. and so did our friends. we drank and smoked and talked until 2, once again. but you decided to stay over, they went home, and it was just the two of us. 

i wanted to sleep. everything felt so fucking awkward. i pretended to fall asleep while you cuddled me. so fucking odd. i just wanted to me alone and starfish my bed while hovering all my pillows. and then you noticed i wasn’t up for sex, or making out for that matter.

you asked: are you still upset over my roommate?

i said no. why would i be? we talked it over and it’s over. do you want to talk about this still?

you said no. but you still felt something wrong.

and i said, yes. something is wrong. sex has never been good with you. i need you to have something we call pegada.

and you made an excuse once or twice. but somehow we hooked up again and you had pegada.

we fucked, and it was good, for once. better than “huh, i guess i had sex”

i fell asleep, feeling it was so weird to have you here.

i woke up to my alarm, got ready, and you wouldnt budge. i said i had to go, and you said you wanted to sleep in. i said i would be back in an hour, and i went to work.

you texted at work. you used my computer and god knows what you digged up off it. 

and then i came back, we had breakfast, and you didnt want to leave. we cuddled and watched a show. you tried kissing me but position was all weird. yet, it was good having you around.

you had a whole 2 hour meeting in my bedroom, in my computer. shivers. the whole time i was telling my roommate: the affection is nice, but oh no, im done.

and after your meeting we fucked gooood good. you got a promotion on your soft dick title. and fuck, i fell into it as well.

you left right after, as if you knew you got me hooked again. and again, chatting daily, you dont feel there. but we made plans for saturday.

mafe, mafe. why again. this boy definetly doesnt want you the same way you want him. yet you;re still there, as available as ever... i thought writing this might give me clarity. nope. 

[nattikay]

.

Just trying to sort out some thoughts, came here cuz not sure where else to do it. Might delete later.

So we’ve had Maisie for almost a week now an honestly, it’s...caused me a lot more stress than I’d expected it to. Don’t get me wrong, I like her, and I don’t plan to give her back to the shelter or anything, good gracious, no--but tbh I feel a little guilty for not being ~euphoric~ over the whole scenario, and I’m just trying to work out why.

Don’t worry she is being well taken care of! This is an emotional issue, not an ability-to-care-for issue.

I think some of it may have its roots in our old cat, Harry Pawter. We got Harry when I was around 9 years old and I loved him. However, being a child when we got him, I was never really super good at taking care of him; most of the animal care wound up falling on my parents. 

Harry, for the most part, was a pretty good cat most of his life, but he started developing health problems around his last two years or so. By this point I was in high school, and for all intents and purposes should’ve been old enough and responsible enough to step in and help take proper care of him. But by that point, I hadn’t really formed those habits and...I never really did. Not as much as I should have. And looking back...tbh I feel really bad about it, and wonder if I didn’t love him as much as I should have, or as much as I thought I did. My dad would certainly imply at much when he got frustrated with the cat, and that...kinda sunk its way into my brain, I guess.

I’ve mentioned before that we lost Harry my freshman year of college, my very first semester. But I haven’t told the whole story, because well...I feel really bad about it. But maybe it’ll be good to get it off my chest.

See, Harry’s health had been declining for a while at that point (he was now 9 years old btw). He was struggling to keep himself clean and having more and more accidents outside the litterbox. My dad took him to the vet, and the vet suspected he may have had a brain tumor. All this was happening recently after I started my first semester of college, so I wasn’t home at the time, only getting this info via phone calls. 

My dad didn’t want to pay for expensive tests and surgeries for a cat, so was considering putting him down. I was obviously not in favor of that idea, so we decided that we’d wait until I came home for Christmas and then discuss what to do about the Harry situation.

But we never got the chance. Around November, there was some sort of leak under the fridge or something (I don’t remember the details; again I wasn’t home at the time) and we had to get a lot of work done in there to fix it, which included having all the tiles completely removed and huge fans placed in the kitchen to blow away the ensuing dust. In order to keep Harry out of the way of the construction, we wound up regulating him to the screened-in back patio (and for further context: Harry had always been an indoor-only cat, and never showed much interest in going outside). Needless to say, on top of his health concerns, this construction and jarring change in environment was probably really stressful for him. One day, he found his way out of the patio...and never came back. 

We...don’t really know for sure what happened to him after that. I like to say that he passed away rather than ran away, partly because he didn’t really have great survival skills and between that and his already-present health issues, well...I don’t think he would’ve survived long as a stray, and I prefer to imagine that his suffering ended as quickly and painlessly as possible. Even if he did manage to survive for a while then, he’s almost certainly gone now, given that he’d be nearly 15 by this point...but I digress.

All that said...idk, I guess I never really got any proper closure with Harry. And the more I learn about how to properly care for a cat, especially doing all the research I’ve been doing for Maisie...well, the worse I feel for him.

It’s not that we were bad owners, per se, and we certainly weren’t malicious in any way...but man, we could’ve done so much better. Harry was definitely overfed and undergroomed and we didn’t really know how to deal with his issues later in life...again, we weren’t malicious, but I think we were ignorant. I can’t really blame myself in the early years given that I was a literal child but by the time I reached high school and the like...idk I just feel like I could have and should have done so much better. I wonder how many issues could’ve been resolved if we’d been more attentive, more vigilant. Had been willing to put in more effort than just “meh fill up his food bowl twice a day and have Dad change the litter once in a while”.

And with all that considered, well...let’s just say I have doubts as to my prowess as a cat guardian. I want to make sure what went wrong with Harry goes right with Maisie and I just...idk. It’s just been a lot more emotional pressure than I expected it to be, even more so considering I haven’t yet quite formed the emotional bond with Maisie that I felt with Harry (not that I necessarily should have expected to at this point, given that we’ve only had Maisie for less than a week whereas we had Harry for nine years). But still.

And I mean, it’s not like taking care of Maisie has been difficult from an objective standpoint. It boils down to just feeding her (and making sure it’s the right amount of food), cleaning her litterbox, and playing with her, all of which are pretty simple and straightforward (well actually trying to figure out the right amount of food for her age and size has been a bit of a chore but I digress). 

Again, it’s not the tasks themselves that are an issue...it’s, I guess, the emotional baggage, or something. Knowing that as my cat the responsibility rests squarely on my shoulders (as opposed to having Harry where my parents took up most of the tasks) probably contributes as well.

Probably doesn’t help that this was a rather sudden development as well. It was only a week ago that we even seriously entertained the possibility of getting a new cat, and now here we are. It all happened so fast, it...almost doesn’t seem real.

Then again, not much has been feeling “real” to me lately. But that’s a separate issue and one for my therapist. :P

I also, despite all objective evidence to the contrary, feel almost like I’m being a burden my bringing Maisie into the house. I know that I shouldn’t...it wasn’t even my idea. My brother made the suggestion, my mom endorsed it, my dad ultimately agreed. The whole family seems to like her, even my dad who is by far the least of a cat-person out of all of us has pet her and talked soft to her (I expected him to mostly ignore her).

But...well, ok, another (shorter) storytime. My parents, while they don’t dislike pets, have had enough of them to last their lives, especially after Harry’s troubled final years, which we kids (regrettably) did not do much to help with despite being older by then. About a year or two after we lost Harry, a family in our church was giving away a bunny for adoption after their two dogs didn’t take well to it. My sister, who has always loved bunnies, begged and begged and begged to adopt it, and after promising and promising to take care of it, my parents finally relented. Alas, the bunny did not wind up being as friendly and cuddly as my sister expected, and after a few weeks she lost interest in it, leaving the bulk of the care responsibilities to our youngest brother (who, to his credit, did pretty well...honestly he’s just pretty good with animals in general, of all types...dogs are his top preference but he’ll happily work with just about anything). Not long later, the poor bunny injured itself, and upon doing some research my parents found that bunnies rarely heal properly from that type of injury (I forget what it was exactly, again I was away in college at the time so don’t recall all the details) and that the most humane option was to put it down. We only had that bunny for a few months.

After that, my dad was (understandably) hesitant to bring another pet into the house, however hard we promise to care for it, cuz last time he relented he got burned and a poor bunny had to suffer. When he agreed to let us get a new cat, he included the (reasonable) stipulation that if it ever seems like we’re not taking proper care of kitty, he’s allowed to make the call to give her up back to the shelter.

Now, I have absolutely zero intentions of pulling a sister-and-the-bunny on Maisie, and I very much plan to take as good care of her as possible. But...you can see how there’s some emotional pressure there, yeah? ^^; 

I feel like I have to be an absolutely flawless owner else I’ve let everyone down and proven that my promises to care for her were just talk. I’m afraid people will get mad at Maisie for doing Cat Things and I’ll take the fall and it’ll be assumed I’m not taking proper care of her because I can’t train her well enough. I’m afraid any inconvenience that naturally comes from owning and animal will by default get pinned on me, that I’ll be at fault because I’m the one who technically owns her, I brought her into the house, were it not for me we wouldn’t be dealing with Animal Inconvenience. 

And yes I know that’s irrational...I know my brain is exaggerating and none of them really expect an 8 month old kitten to have flawless behavior or blame me for it and as long as I’m keeping her happy and healthy it’s fine...and yet...

I don't know.

Pressure, I guess. A big life change that happened pretty suddenly and it’s gonna take a little while for it to become the new normal...I’ve just gotta hang on until it does, I guess...

anyways...

R.I.P. Harry Pawter, 2005-2014

(last picture we ever got of him)

Maisie, I will do my best ;_;

(first picture I ever got of her...which, I am just now realizing, is similar to the last pic of Harry ;n;)

[truthclaimed]

I was happy doing as Meme asked because I respect them. I respect Meme (@eludum) and never had any bad feelings for them. But apparently, they want to open old wounds. I wanted to post publicly about this for a long time, but I didn’t want to start shit. 

Now I do want to add, really quick, that I tell everyone about this once we talk ooc. I tell EVERYONE because I never got to say my side. And if my actions make people uncomfortable with me, then by all means, don’t interact with me. But don’t try to paint me as a villain because YOU both ( Sin and Meme) never actually gave a sit about why I did what I did. Sin, you love to preach about positivity and all that but you are FAKE. I should have screencapped all our convos, but I sure didn’t. Because I try to not be like that. 

komacda

This was my second blog in the fandom. I met Yoly (who rped Chiaki) and quickly befriended her. This is important. She was basically my first friend in the fandom. I was introduced to Sin through her. The three of us became friends, but Sin somehow within one of our first convos had me feeling really crappy. I ended up posting about possibly deleting my Komaeda because she went on and on and ON about canon and the anime (which I hadn’t seen at the time) and I felt like I made him too sympathetic because of how AWFUL Sin made Ko sound. Some anons convinced me to stay. I decided that I was being too sensitive. 

This happened over and over and over. Even though Sin KNEW I was writing Komahina with another Hajime, she still had to shit on people that write it. She was so condescending towards me. Interacting with her was hard because of how she made me feel stupid and not valid. I convinced myself over and over that I was overly sensitive. 

Now along with that, I had a roleplay with sin in which she totally ignored my characters actions and just monologued. She pulled a knife out of Komaeda’s hand while it had been literally stabbed into his hand on the previous reply. Which is meh. Whatever, mistakes happen. But I was afraid to approach her about it because by this time, dealing with Sin was emotionally taxing to me. Not going to say she was TOXIC or ABUSIVE. But she made me feel shitty. Anyway, the discord server. 

Sin ended up getting the role of Hajime in my discord server, in which they were telling people their headcanons were wrong for how the remnants got captured and how ‘it was all izuru’. because sin hyper focuses on canon. which is valid. but do not force others to do it. this resulted in a few members wanting me to kick sin out. I was afraid of going against Sin because they were popular so I deleted the server. 

I ended up joining a discord server from a friend because someone Sin used to be friends with was in there. I got to FINALLY explain how I felt. And I was told a lot of people feel that way. Her friend told me that Sin hated Komaeda and that’s why she had lowkey made me feel shitty. Which was a weird thing to lie about lmao. 

In this server, they had a channel that was dedicated to shit talking. I was asking who toxic people were that were listed there. I made a comment about Meme vague blogging about Yoly a BUNCH. Someone in the group screencapped it and sent it to Meme. I felt AWFUL. I wanted to apologize but got convinced not to. So yeah, I shouldn’t have done that. But I was new in the fandom and stupid. I did later apologize to Meme, who seemed to totally dismiss my apology anyway. 

This stuff all happened in quick succession with each other. So I decided to make my second blog. I made it because I was afraid of Sin and how everyone loved her. I felt like I was crazy for not. 

hopehaunted

So I made this blog and told ALL of my partners. Literally everyone knew. I told them I was hiding from Sin because she made me uncomfortable. I even continued my threads on this account. I didn’t want to trick anyone so I told everyone. The ONLY person I didn’t tell was Meme. I did follow her because I loved her Chiaki and her writing style. We wrote together, started to ship together, and became friends. Now should I have told her? YES. Probably. My issue was that I was afraid of telling her. She didn’t really know me and she sort of loved Sin. So I figured it wouldn’t be a good idea to tell her. I thought the one tiny stupid thing I did before probably didn’t even matter anymore. 

So someone ended up telling her after like 6 months of us being friends. She sent me a long message telling me not to explain myself or contact her. I deleted my blogs because I felt so guilty. I legit was worried I was actually a really bad person. I felt so incredibly bad. I still do. I still feel guilty about it. I wanted to explain myself and apologize. Me not telling her had NOTHING TO DO WITH HER and everything to do with Sin. It might sound unreasonable to be afraid on Sin, but I was. So I left the fandom and tumblr entirely for awhile. 

Sin made me incredibly uncomfortable for a bunch of reasons. I didn’t mean to lie to Meme. I wanted to tell her the truth. I never wanted to trick her. I should have handled this better. I admit that. But bringing it up after all this time is pretty pathetic? 

I should have screencapped in the group chat I was in when Sin told me and Yoly she was done with meme. And ‘she thinks she’s special because her chiaki is fat’. But I didn’t want to be like that. So i honestly don’t care who believes me. But there are two sides to this story, and one isn’t being presented. It’s probably easier for you guys to trust Sin, but it isn’t so simple. All I wanted to do was write. Back then and now, without having someone making me uncomfortable. 

I blocked Meme and Sin. I thought seeing me would make them uncomfortable. But apparently, that isn’t good enough. Apparently you guys just don’t want me here at all. I don’t have anything against Meme. I feel bad about hurting her. It’s one of the things I feel the worst about. But seriously, Sin needs to stay out of this and take a hard fucking look at themself and wonder why someone would go through all of this.