#felt like a parallel to how disabled children are often told to hide their disabilities

[youling-the-ghost]

After Johnny's future dreams being an allegory for mental health we have: Peter Steven's height being an allegory for physical disabilities.

Peter wasn't chosen to be born tall, he had no control over it. And yet he has to walk on his knees and pretend like he's normal just because his mum is embarrassed of him. He's sorry he was born this way, but why does he have to suffer because of it? Why is he being punished for something out of his control and why is he being forced to hide an integral part of who he is? Is there something wrong with him? There must be something wrong with him, why else would mum look at him with shame in her eyes? The guilt is suffocating, but Peter did nothing wrong. He was just born with something out of his control.

[queerforscience]

Both queer people and disabled people have been pushed to hide their deviations from the norm from the rest of society by being subjected to so called "therapies." Psychiatry has often been used as a tool of enforcement of dominant social norms. This is especially true for queer and disabled people given that our very existence has often been conceived as something to be corrected by psychiatry. An oft cited example of this is the parallels between Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA), a form of "therapy" often used on autistic children, and "conversion therapy" intended to make children straight, cisgender, and gender conforming. Both of these forms of therapy are purported to help the "patient" by allowing them to fit in better with society, however, both are harmful to the patient.

Underlining the parallels between these is the key involvement of one clinician in the development of both in the late 1970s. O. Ivar Lovaas was one of the first to suggest applying behavior therapy techniques to both autistic children and queer children. In papers on both techniques, the focus is on reinforcing socially acceptable "normal" behavior and "extinguishing" non normative behaviors. In the case of gender nonconforming children, a portion of the paper was dedicated to justifying this approach, saying "professional intervention for these children is appropriate because the early identification and prevention of male homosexual conflict, transvestism,... and transsexualism… is preferable to all other clinical options." In the case of autistic children, however, no such justification was given, presumably because the idea that autistic children should be made to behave more like neurotypical children was seen as obvious and inarguable; claiming that "school personnel describe[d] these children as indistinguishable from their normal friends" is presented as clear evidence of success without any exploration of whether appearing normal is desirable. In addition, the papers on both topics use expressed behaviors as the primary endpoint and do not measure or discuss the internal experiences of the children being "treated," showing that these therapies have the goal of forcing conformity without regard for the wellbeing of the "patients."

Perhaps the most striking evidence for the parallels between regulation of autistic people through ABA and the regulation of queer people through conversion therapy is accounts from those who have undergone these "treatments." Survivors of both ABA and conversion therapy frequently recount being made to feel that who they are is wrong through the constant policing of their self expression. While justifications for ABA and conversion therapy often claim that the behaviors they are trying to change are separate from the person exhibiting them, this is not the message that patients receive. One ABA survivor wrote "I started to think autism was bad because I heard other people say I was bad. I started to internalize the shame of being autistic." Many conversion therapy survivors have also recounted how they were made to feel that they were wrong because they found themselves unable to simply stop feeling attraction as their "therapists" said they should.

Both conversion therapy and ABA survivors also talk about how they felt they were being taught compliance at the expense of  actual emotional health. This aligns with the criticisms of psychiatry in general voiced by many people labelled with a variety of mental illnesses in the psychiatric consumer/survivor/ex patient movement, such as Judi Chamberlin who said "Emotionally healthy people are supposed to be strong and assertive… yet compliance is often a high value in professionals’ assessments of how well we are doing. Being a good patient becomes more important than getting well." When talking about her own experience in hospitals, Chamberlin said "I tried hard to be a good patient… I gritted my teeth and told the staff what they wanted to hear." In hir work Stone Butch Blues, which is fictional but draws heavily from the author's life, Leslie Feinberg describes the main character's experience with being hospitalized following being discovered wearing her father's clothes in a similar way: "I already sensed that giving the staff a hard time might man never getting out of there, so I took the pills… My mind was focused on escape." These accounts show that psychiatry is a framework through which power can be wielded to enforce compliance and regulate marginalized groups.

[greesngrass-archive-blog]

DOMINIC GREENGRASS is NEUTRAL in the war, even though HIS official job is as A MEMBER OF THE WIZENGAMOT. the TWENTY EIGHT year old PUREBLOOD is known to be DILIGENT and ASTUTE but also PRUDENT and DELIBERATELY IGNORANT. some might label them as THE JUDICIOUS fc: charlie cox

dominic tiberius greengrass is the youngest of three waaaaay too rich children

his mother, brigid, was an herbologist better known for her best selling books. the estate’s gardens and greenhouse are her life’s work and joy, and all three greengrass boys share fond memories of spending time with her in them, learning about it all even when they didn’t care, being forced to nurture pots of plants in hopes to turn them into responsible people. she still has a small army of handpicked herbologists and gardeners working for her, making her greenhouse and gardens a true paradise and place of research, and focuses on that mostly nowadays

roland greengrass, his father, left his position as chief warlock of the wizengamot three years ago, and has been working on a book ever since, yet to be finished. he’s been considering looking for a high position in some wizarding school, maybe ilvermorny, but has not made up his mind yet. he truly instilled in his children a sense of hard work, strict planning and following the law. oh, and he’s got an order of merlin, first class. quite the legacy to live up to.

the elder brother, sebastian, is a diplomat. the middle child, nathaniel, a well traveled herbologist, who owns his own research center. they are all very busy, and the oldest two already well married, with a few children. the three try to keep in touch, reuniting monthly at the main family estate for a weekend or so, and they also send each other letters?? cute

he’s so proud to be a greengrass all the time tbh like yeS I AM slightly better than u i am a greengrass pls

the greengrass family doesn’t have a history of joining extremist groups, but they are well integrated into pureblood high society, and a part of the sacred 28. they’ve always held positions of power and rivers of money, and are especially skilled in the art of arranged marriages, something that has made their ties to the rest of the wizarding society so much stronger. marrying a greengrass or into the greengrasses means a life of family protection, luscious estates and travels, a name of power and a spot in the lovely grey area between blood purists and blood traitor families, appeasing both sides just enough

it came as no surprise for him when, a couple of years ago, they started looking for someone. it’s been a long process, dom usually only involved when they needed a final yes or no, and he said lots of no’s until jacqueline showed up. a quick conversation, a dinner the next day, and the choice felt pretty easy. after all, worked for generations, why wouldn’t it work on him? so he’s now betrothed to jacqueline nott !!!!

so far it’s been A Gift honestly?? he?? has so much in common with her and it’s been so fun and niCE it’s something so calming and certain?? the future doesn’t seem as scary anymore??? help

he was always told to not get in the way of blood purists, but to not shun them away, and he still lives by that. ignores the war away, and never encourages the D.E.s (extremists are never a good thing). the only thing he follows is the law, as closely as possible 

he was sorted into slytherin but honestly the hat took a few extra minutes because it was almost a tie between that and hufflepuff. 

has retinitis pigmentosa, which pretty much means that he started losing some sight as a child, like the ability to adjust to different lighting or walking around at night, and tunnel vision, and gradually has been losing more and more of it (he was officially diagnosed when he was 12). as of right now, he barely has any left, so he’s legally blind (mostly just notices light, it’s reflections, flames). doesn’t talk about it. ignore ur problems awaaay

he truly is a fan of ignoring everything that’s serious when it comes to him. things are never really dealt with but shh

hogwarts is not the most disability-friendly school, although it’s improving but also, it was the 60s, so as his eyesight diminished the school’s measures weren’t really enough. he BROKE his right leg in 6th year in a moving staircase and the greengrasses immediately SUED the school, forcing it to rush improvement. his disability could never be a stop on his path, the greengrasses always made sure of it. 

but also, even if it’s the 60s and wizard society is very separated from muggle technology, there needs to be some stuff available for visually impaired people so i'm just gonna fill in all the gaps canon left - there is a spell that turns any writing into braille, another that turns braille typing into writing. both are very very advanced spells, and don’t always work 100%. 

uses muggle things like braille typewriters (they were still super nosy in the 60s-80s so his was charmed to not make a lot of it) and talking calculators. his parents got him a mobility instructor as soon as his diagnostic was made and his lack of vision was enough to justify it, aka someone who taught him how to adapt, how to move without crashing into things, how to properly use a cane. that greengrass money also paid for the best braille tutors possible, which he started learning right after his diagnostic since they knew it would only get worse. a braille tutor followed him to hogwarts during the school months too, coming in for a bit every day to keep helping him with braille and later on just to print over his work, made in braille, so that teachers could read it and mark it. eventually the tutor stopped coming, as he perfected the spell that turned his work into regular writing.

doesn’t care for the war. he greengrass especially are a family of rich well connected people who don’t engage in the most extreme views of the rest, so he was never raised with a specific hatred

ppl at school couldn’t make him develop that view either. he nodded along in order to not start shit and tried to dissuade them from the more intense stuff

never starts shit. so self aware of his words and what they’ll do

the Wise and Responsible friend

doesn’t let loose enough

dom’s great at charms?? his best subject tbh. 

will try to fix everything all the time???? always has. whenever a problem arises, he’s there, trying to make sure you don’t even need to think about it

he’s?? kind. he’s a kind person. he was always The Softer Friend, the one who gave silent hugs when all others did was act stoic, the one who never got any of the jokes and laughed for minutes after they were explained to him, the slightly socially awkward kind friend who had everyone’s backs but also gave them shit about their snobbier attitudes and mocked their speech patterns and was the jokingly asshole-ish slytherin friend you’d expect

has been rising the ranks inside of the ministry, usually in the offices nearer to the minister. just got a job at the wizengamot, being one of the youngest there !!

likes his job? quite a bit? he liked the administrative stuff before, and then the powerful political roles, but he finds the law much more interesting, and is very open about much needed reforms in the british magical judiciary system. he’s so far from the revolutionary type, he just wants,,,, soft changes. pls fix this broken system.

he’s also good at it?? homeboi gives Good Speeches when he needs to convince his fellow wizengamot ppl, and he always pays so much attention and notices tiny details and logic flaws, plotholes - u can’t escape dominic justice. 

people suspect he only has it because of his family’s influence, which kinda fucks him up mentally because he questions himself and his work and position in the world a lot. 

he loves music so much?? any type of music. muggle, wizard, british, international, even when he can’t understand the words. can often be seen dancing. it’s like awkward dad dancing but?? endearing. if he’s in a good mood, there’s loud music playing in his house and he’s grooving around

dom definitely enjoys the lavish lifestyle his family money and his own now can provide him. wears the best clothes, lives in an expensive but small house, enjoys his vacations in Style™, like my man has that greengrass trademark money and knows how to spend it

loves buying people gifts??? takes a long time picking them too

he’s the kind of person that would take in his friends in danger into his house and hide them, but have a serious lecture ready for them the next day. probably tell them they need to find somewhere else to stay since they’re there bc shady stuff. BUT HE’LL TAKE THEM IN

he’s alecto and amycus’s cousin?? how fun?? also somewhat related to the blacks and lestranges bc pureblood families?? all related lbr

parallels: randall pearson (this is us), george o'malley (grey’s anatomy), leo fitz (agents of shield), chloe decker (lucifer), simon lewis (shadowhunters), ravi chakrabarti (izombie)

[cnroth]

On the Borg

Throughout the years, there have been many suggestions and arguments made about what the Borg could represent. The most common one I have seen is to compare the collective to communism. Certainly, there are parallels, but I have other thoughts.

In Star Trek, analogies are often held loosely, and shows are written to be intentionally vague. The nature of postmodern art is that the meaning is supposed to be left up to the viewer. What is true for you, is simply true. If the Borg speak of communism to you, then that is what they represent. Simultaneously, the Borg may speak to others of consumerism, or of colonialism, and that is equally true. They do not have to mean one universal thing to everyone.

Of course, when it came to writing my Voyager fanfiction, I had to make a decision about the Borg. I researched what others had to say. I do not like to make arbitrary judgements all on my own; I wanted to listen to what the Borg meant to the fandom before I decided on how to write them. Only then did I go back and rewatch Borg-focused episodes and features, with the goal of choosing for myself what I thought they could represent. What follows is my own interpretation, so take it for what it's worth.

The initial concept behind the Borg was to create an impossible adversary. “The Borg are the ultimate user,” Q told the Enterprise-D’s senior staff in the episode Q Who. “They’re unlike any threat your Federation has ever faced. They’re not interested in political conquest, wealth, or power as you know it. They’re simply interested in your ship, its technology. They’ve identified it as something they can consume” (TNG 2x16). They did not respond to the usual tactics. Discussion and diplomacy were useless. They did not listen, did not care to listen or reason with you. There was no reason; there was only consumption. They took what they wanted and felt no remorse.

The great irony of the episode is that it showed how much Q and Picard mirrored one another—and, by extension, the continuum and the Federation. Picard accuses Q of being egocentric and proud, and says that the Q wrongfully believe they have the right to judge so-called lesser species simply because of their superior abilities. Yet, Starfleet is just as haughty. Picard believes that they are prepared to face anything they find in the final frontier of space, because humanity has evolved and learned how to handle conflict. In the end, Picard is forced to face their very real frailty in the face of the Borg.

Picard’s words to Guinan at the end are, I think, the crux of the entire episode. “Maybe Q did the right thing for the wrong reasons…. Perhaps what we most needed was a kick in our complacency to prepare us for what lies ahead.” At the climax of the show, and in his reflective dialogue with Guinan, Picard begins to realize that the Federation has become too proud, just as he accused Q of being. Picard acknowledges his shortcomings, his weakness, and he admits to Q that he needs the entity’s help. The Borg cannot be defeated by Federation ingenuity alone, and attempting to do so would likely lead to their own downfall.

From there, the Borg developed a great deal more depth and complexity, often in controversial ways. Initially, they could be seen as an other creature, an alien. They were not anything like us. They were beyond anything we could comprehend. As they developed, however, they became too much like us, and that upset a lot of fans. For some, that took away from the fear factor; for me, it deepened it.

In fact, I see the Borg as being a projection, or a warning, of what humanity has the possibility to become. It is uncomfortable because it shows us the dark side of that which makes us human—the drive to be more, better, than what we are.

The quest for perfection is explicitly stated as the central goal of the Borg, and yet it is our own goal, as well. 'Anything you can do, I can do better.' This is the very thing that makes us grow as a species. Competition drives self-improvement. It inspires us to achieve higher and higher goals. When we see someone accomplish the improbable, we idolize them. Yet, the moment something great is accomplished, someone else immediately begins to work out how to push that accomplishment even further. We hunger and thirst to overcome challenges. We are constantly raising the bar higher. This is the essence of our species.

This, of course, is obvious. Still, many resist seeing themselves within the Borg. At least, they insist, we do not have to assimilate others to better ourselves like the Borg do.

Don’t we?

We colonize. We steal land and assets, and we exploit or slaughter those from whom we took it.

We appropriate what we like from other cultures without bothering to understand or appreciate the meaning of what we took within its rightful context. We are not interested in the culture itself, or the people who created those cultures. We simply consume them, assimilating their work into our own structure, divorcing it from the culture that gave it birth and life and meaning, and claiming it as our own.

We force or coerce minority populations to assimilate into majority culture. We do not hate you, we insist. We wish to make you better. Why would anyone resist? Everyone should want to be like us. Many times, this attitude can hide under a guise of tolerance; it is perfectly fine to be black, or Latinx, or Jewish, or female, or LGBTQIA+, or disabled, or old, or mentally ill, or poor—but only if you can think and act like the rest of us. Thus, we erase the other, and commit cultural genocide.

This is precisely what the Borg do, and they succeed because of it. It has made them a juggernaut, an unbeatable opponent, and it is easy to struggle with the fear that it is useless to fight back. “Resistance is futile,” they say, and more often than not, they are right.

Yet, something in you resists anyway, something that frustrates the Borg because they cannot understand it. Why would anyone resist an opportunity to be the best?

The cost of perfection is too great. Uniqueness and diversity are absolutely worth preserving; this is the lesson we learn as we watch the Borg. We cheer for the Enterprise, and for Voyager. We fall for Hugh, Seven of Nine, and One. We are incensed on behalf of the Borg children who never had a chance to be individuals or to make their own choices at all, until Seven gave them that chance. In this, we begin to understand why everyone must be free to be uniquely themselves, why we must respect and preserve diversity rather than appropriating and destroying others for selfish gain. In this, we come to understand that homogeny is death.

Then, along comes the spider—the Borg queen. Who, or what, is she? What does she represent?

The queen was left, as is the tendency, incredibly vague at her inception. This opened up a great deal of discourse about her. “I am the Borg,” she tells Data (Star Trek: First Contact). She is the personification of the collective consciousness, the one who is many. She is a paradox—an individual who is not truly an individual, but rather the composite of billions of individuals linked together to think as one mind.

She is the mob mentality.

She is internalized oppression that has been turned against others, oppressing them in the very same way she has been oppressed.

She is the authoritarian who insists that she acts with the will of the people, but who is blinded to the reality of her oppressive power over them. She does not fully comprehend that because of her power and privilege, she is merely bending them to her will.

She believes in what she is doing. She, like Q and Picard, believes her actions are for the greater good. Individuals are children, or second-class people. They are inferior and stupid, and they need someone to force them to become that which they have the potential to be but stubbornly resist. She may appreciate a few unique flourishes that they can add to the collective, and may appropriate some of their ideas and innovations for her own culture. Still, it will not change the fact that all others are inferior and must be assimilated for their own good, and the good of the collective.

It is a basic truth that power corrupts. We do not know how the queens came to be, but clearly they have begun to lose sight of the ideals that used to drive the Borg. The more we see the queens, and the more humans come into conflict with them directly, the more twisted and corrupt they become. In time, they almost seem to be human themselves.

How many times have we watched this happen? We put someone with great promise on a pedestal, hoping that maybe they can bring us closer to perfection. Then, they turn on us, and use us for their selfish gain instead. How do you fight back when, by the time you realize what has happened, the person in power has the ability to control you in every possible way?

That is the question.

[cinephiled-com]

New Post has been published on Cinephiled

New Post has been published on http://www.cinephiled.com/rodney-evans-stunning-vision-portraits-shows-artists-deal-sight-loss/

Rodney Evans' Stunning 'Vision Portraits' Shows How He and Other Artists Deal with Sight Loss

Vision Portraits is a deeply personal documentary by award-winning filmmaker Rodney Evans (Brother to Brother) as he explores how his loss of vision may impact his creative future, and what it means to be a blind or visually impaired creative artist. It’s a celebration of the possibilities of art created by a Manhattan photographer (John Dugdale), a Bronx-based dancer (Kayla Hamilton), a Canadian writer (Ryan Knighton), and the filmmaker himself, each of whom experience varying degrees of visual impairment. Using archival material along with new illuminating interviews and observational footage of the artists at work, Evans has created a tantalizing meditation on blindness and creativity, a sensual work that opens our minds to new possibilities.

I sat down with Rodney Evans to discuss this remarkable documentary, which has been winning awards at film festivals all over the country including the Outstanding Documentary Award from the 2019 Frameline San Francisco LGBTQ Film Festival and a Special Award for Artistic Achievement from Outfest Los Angeles.

Danny Miller: This is such a moving film, it was fascinating to watch you and these three incredible artists at work. Let’s get one big cliché out of the way — what do you think about the idea that when one sense is impaired in some way, the other senses become way more attuned?

Rodney Evans

Rodney Evans: I mean, I do think that’s true to a certain degree. I think my hearing is much more acute due to my visual impairments and I think being visually impaired often leads artists to want to explore their other senses. You see it with all the artists profiled in the film.

Even as I ask that question, though, I worry that it partly stems from my subconscious desire to hear people in your position to say that losing some of your vision was a “gift.” Do you feel that some people watch a film like this needing to find a way to make it all “okay?”

Yes, I do think some people are looking for what I would call “inspiration porn!” I’m very aware of the parameters of that genre and I worked hard to not fall into it.

Kayla Hamilton

I think the way you avoid that is to show multidimensional characters and all shades of gray — let’s celebrate the triumphs but let’s also see some of the devastating episodes that occur when someone loses their vision and has to navigate the New York City subway system via muscle memory. Believe me, there are experiences that people with visual impairments go through that can be very difficult. I think I’m very real about that in the film but I also wanted to show how such experiences can become a catalyst for making art. Look at Kayla Hamilton in the film. She’s a very multidimensional character and a brilliant artist and she wasn’t afraid of taking about how she contemplated taking her own life at one point. But then she went on to use that experience to make a very powerful singular piece of work.

I love her dance piece so much, I’d love to see the whole thing. How did you choose the artists to profile in the film, was it about wanting to represent different art forms and show people with different creative responses to their visual impairment?

Ryan Knighton

I think it was a combination of those things. In the case of Ryan Knighton, I was already friends with him. He wrote this very powerful memoir called Cockeyed that just blew me away. We first met after he adapted it into a screenplay and was looking for a director.  We ended up sharing our work with each other and we stayed in touch. So when I thought of making this film, he was probably the first person I reached out to. And I was very interested in his experience because he has the same condition that I have, retinitis pigmentosa.

What first put the idea in your head of making a documentary about artists dealing with vision loss?

It had been brewing for a long time. Around the end of 2014, I started to think about what I’d do if my vision continued to deteriorate. I had noticed some deterioration between my first and second features and my fears were looming about how I’d continue to make films if things got much worse. I think my M.O. as an artist is to always move towards things that scare the crap out of me, frankly. I didn’t want to keep it hidden so I just decided to address it and try to conquer the fear. I started looking for other artists creating work in that situation, I wanted to know what their artistic practice was like. In addition to Ryan, I had a friend who knew John Dugdale. I had always loved John’s photographs — I thought they were really beautiful.

His photographs are amazing, and he seems like such a fascinating guy.

John Dugdale

He is. And I know it was very painful for him to have to go back through all of those memories of being in St. Vincent’s at the height of the AIDS epidemic. He was there for a year and a half and lost his vision as a result. John had a series of AIDS-related strokes, and as he says in the film, a lot of times when you had AIDS, vision loss was one of the last symptoms. But John lost his vision early on. St. Vincent’s was the epicenter of the AIDS epidemic at that time, so many people were dying all around him. That period obviously had a huge impact on his work.

Did making this film help you feel less fear about your condition as you hoped it would?

Yes, I definitely feel less fear now and I feel less shame. I just feel free and empowered.

Were you actively trying to hide your vision loss before you made this documentary?

I felt very hidden within the film industry and I was even told by certain producers that I should never say that I was visually impaired in a pitch meeting. Better no one should know.

Oy, not exactly a prescription for getting rid of any internal shame you were feeling. That anecdote you tell in the film about needing a cane and your mother getting you a walking cane instead of one for visually impaired people was so poignant. Did you find a lot of similarities to when you came out as gay?

Oh yes, there were many parallels.

Like, “I love and support you, but please don’t make a spectacle of yourself, no one needs to know!”

Exactly. I mean, I do understand where my mother was coming from. Parents want the best for their kids and they don’t want their kids to have to come up against homophobia or ableism of this world. They know that’s going to make their children’s lives harder and they don’t want them to have a hard life. That’s why my parents moved from Jamaica to the U.S. so that I would have better opportunities. So on that level, I understand the protective parental instinct: “Holy shit, you’re black, you’re gay, and now have this disability? Your life is going to be so fucking hard! Why does everyone need to know?” I get it, but it just doesn’t work.

You sound like you have a lot of compassion for your parents.

I understood the culture that they come from which is not LGBT friendly and had different attitudes about people with disabilities. There’s this universal immigrant fantasy that my parents subscribed to. Come to this country, be successful, keep up with the Joneses, build your successful business, put your kids through college, and have them be as successful as possible. And while doing that, they should try to blend in and assimilate as much as they can and never do anything that might prevent them from getting the highest paying job.

It would be great if all parents of kids with any vision loss could see this documentary.

I do hear from parents who are very appreciative. But I mostly hear from low vision adults who are very grateful to see themselves reflected on screen for the first time. Some of them come up after screenings and hug me for a long time. They are so grateful for the authentic representation of what their lives are like. Some people told me they’d been waiting their whole life for this movie, that it fills a hunger they’ve had to feel seen and to feel whole and that their experience is valid and valuable.

I’m sure this film is giving people dealing with vision loss a lot of hope.

When you first receive such a diagnosis, many people think it means that their life is over and that they are doomed to a very sheltered existence with a caretaker. I think the film debunks this stereotype because it shows these fiercely independent artists out in the world making very powerful work. I’m thrilled to be able to turn this experience into something that’s healing and transformative both for me and for audiences.

Vision Portraits is playing in New York and Los Angeles and will be opening in other cities in the coming weeks.

[naeomee-blog1]

Two Years on Oestrogen

On this day, two years ago, I started on oestrogen hormone therapy.  Getting to that point has been an epic quest of its own, bringing new challenges to light in the process.

This is my story, a tale of my perceptions and my struggles through life from the perspective of gender - I will write more about my disabilities, and how they affected my life, at a later point in time.

Please excuse any clunky language… It may be two years into my journey, but sadly I don’t always have the right wording or language to fully express myself.  I’m doing my best, and that’s what counts... Right?

In the beginning…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve never really understood the point of gender, and it’s supposed crucial role in society.  The idea that there were products, colours, etc that were “boys’” or “girls’” confounded me.  It seemed unnecessarily silly, and pointless - they were just objects, colours, etc.  There was nothing intrinsically gendered about them.  For example, pink being a “girls’” colour - it is merely a colour, a combination of red and white (or yellow). It is a wonderful colour, but it isn’t owned; doesn’t possess a gender. It’s just a colour.

My hobbies were more neutral than anything. I liked to read - every day I would go to my local library after school. On Friday’s I would attend model club - my models of choice were usually World War I & II, and Star Trek related.  When I got along with my sisters, we would play make believe. I secretly had a fascination of ballet, which I didn’t express.

I had these concepts of gender foisted upon me, what was or was not considered for boys or for girls. To some limited form, I allowed these to be pushed on me.  I wore “male” clothing, I was gendered a boy, I was referred to as he/him, etc.  I hid some of my interests because they were deemed for girls only.

I’m under no illusion that my parents would have accepted me, if I expressed concerns about how I was perceived, about being a boy, etc.  The fact that Mummy accepts me now is proof of this.  However, at the time I didn’t know how to express what I felt - a lack of gender.  The complete lack of understand of why things were considered for boys, or girls.  I didn’t have the words.  Instead, I sought solitude, and the company of books - they allowed me escape from a world I didn’t really understand.  The irony, of course, is the books naturally all used very gendered language, and expressed concepts of manliness and femininity - but that I could ignore… For there were worlds in these books, fascinating places of culture, and mystery.

Given how I understood the world to work - unfortunately, thanks to my father (as well as that side of the family), who had a more traditional perception of family, I felt scared to express my distress at being labelled a boy - for being a boy meant being the “stronger” of the genders, the workers, the breadwinners.  Being a girl was considered lesser - to be the one to stay home, to cook, to wash, to clean, to bear children.  I felt that I would have been considered a freak if I expressed that I wanted nothing to do with gender; more of an abomination than if I knew I were a girl.

That’s the world of sexism I was exposed to - the awful credo of women being terrible drivers, stay at home mums, etc.  I’m not going to lie, I have said terribly sexist things in the past myself - in the misguided attempts to fit in.  It felt wrong saying such things, more so than hearing sexist statements spouted out by others.  To this day, father makes these awful declarations and jokes - which makes me extremely hesitant to be around him.  I feel deeply ashamed that I was brought up in a world where this kind of behaviour was deemed not only acceptable, but expected.

Reaching puberty…

My teenage years were the worst part of my life.  I was severely bullied for being a freak, gay, and many other things.  I was sexually assaulted by a girl at the age of 14 - something nobody should ever have to experience, let alone at that age.  I lost my dear Grandpa to cancer.  I was at my lowest, and to add to this I felt even more distanced from myself and the changes my body was forcing upon me.

I wanted nothing to do with puberty, I didn’t welcome the changes - I didn’t even want the genitals that I had.  But I had no recourse but to bite my tongue and deal with it - I didn’t feel I could express myself without being told I was being silly, that it was a phase, etc.  No doubt I would have suffered even more bullying too.

All the while I felt confusion and anger at myself - I had a diagnosis of Asperger Syndrome, which was kept off the record due to being at a stage of my life that was apparently “critical”, with GCSE exams upcoming in a year or two.  I found myself lashing out more, I was angry all the time, I rebelled at everything I could - including myself.  I fell behind in coursework, refused to take part in Physical Education (in fairness, it was often just playing football - an utterly stupid ‘sport’ that I loathe beyond words).  I wouldn’t participate in Religious Education either - I felt whatever G-d there might be had forsaken me, robbed me of someone I considered a role model and a guiding force in my life.

I found solitude in my school library, and in the ICT Department, hiding away reading books and repairing computers - two things that gave me relief from life, and a repetitive structure that I found myself liking (as well as learning about electronics).  Eventually, I was placed on antidepressants at the age of 15, because I simply couldn’t cope with everything I faced - it was too much for me, and I started shutting down.  The medication I was placed on (initially citalopram, then escitalopram, followed by fluoxetine/Prozac) kept me barely functioning.  I felt like a zombie - well, more of a robot, I guess. It was better than facing my depression, but left me devoid of passion for anything.  I merely woke up, did what was required on that day, read my books to escape, then went to bed again in the evening.

Headed in to adulthood…

My adulthood has been very mixed, involving many name changes, as my discomfort with myself grew.  Initially I thought perhaps it was the wrong name, so I tried alternatives - including even more male-aligned names to try and throw myself into sharp relief with the sex I was born with, to see if I could suppress this extreme distaste of myself.  To make matters worse for me, I experienced sexual assault for a second time at age 18, at my first trip to an LGBT+ nightclub.  This time a guy was responsible.

Around this time I found myself looking into transgender related topics very much in-depth, and I found a lot of parallels to my own life.  Whilst a lot of people come out at an early age, I discovered that there are people who came out later in life.  I discovered the term dysphoria, and felt relief that there was a description for how I felt.

At this time I had a boyfriend, who was himself transgender.  Unfortunately, I found myself too scared to express how I felt about myself, and that sexual activities with him were almost expressly for his enjoyment (when they weren’t doomed to failure) - my dysphoria caused me significant issues with performance, even with the help of medication such as Sildenafil - and a high dosage of 100mg at that.  I worried it would cause relationship issues, upset and possibly even angry outbursts and invalidation.  This proved not to be a worry, as in the end we split up, and I moved to Folkestone with father.

Acceptance and transitioning...

Eventually I realised I couldn’t escape who I was, or suppress it - and having moved away from Medway, I felt safer being more expressive.  It was at this point I thought about neutral names, and I spoke to a friend about non-binary gender identities - after having done extensive research.  He was incredibly supportive, and I felt more compelled to seek out what I knew I wanted, and needed: A neutral or feminine name, and to be referred to a Gender Identity Clinic to get hormone therapy.

Getting a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic was no walk in the park, I got turned away by the first GP I saw, being told that “they wouldn’t want to see you, as you’re neither boy or girl - they won’t be able to help you”.  The second GP just outright refused because they didn’t understand, and even after clarifying I was told they still wouldn’t refer me anyway.  The third GP I saw thankfully had dealt with gender identity before at a previous clinic/surgery, and told me she would refer me without hesitation or “roadblocks” to Charing Cross.  It was an absolute relief to feel like progress was being made - it took me weeks to get to this point.  In between each refusal I had spent time furthering my research and making notes for myself of how I might make more progress.

With my referral underway, I realised I didn’t think I could handle waiting so long to receive hormone therapy - sure, I was 30 and by that logic I should be able to wait a year or two more… But this brought the realisation that I could be 40 before I had any surgeries, and the thought of that horrified me.  I needed hormones, I needed to start my transition and to get well underway with my social transitioning too - there’s a minimum requirement of two years of hormone therapy and social transition before surgical consultation will be considered.

I looked for alternatives… DIY hormone therapy looking too terrifying and complex, and GenderCare was simply too expensive.  I stumbled across a few posts on Reddit discussing a new-ish service from Dr Webberley, aimed at providing hormones to those who needed it, at significantly less cost than with GenderCare - and was all online.  This sounded perfect to me, so I made some enquiries, which quickly resulting in paying the appropriate fees, undergoing a consultation and a week later, I received my first batch of hormones: EVOREL Oestradiol patches (one per week), and Finasteride (5mg daily).

My hormone therapy started on the 14th May, 2016 - my best friend at the time wanted to “slap the first patch on my arse” as it was described, to my amusement… And that was exactly what happened at his flatwarming party.The patches lasted no time - unfortunately they fell off too often, so I was quickly switched to Climaval tablets.  I was also prescribed Vaniqa, a cream to reduce facial hair - unfortunately this proved to be an unsuccessful treatment for me.

I found my mood improving (despite the monthly wobbles I developed around my marker day - a term I use to indicate the day I started hormone therapy).  I felt more liberated, I started looking for clothes I felt more comfortable in.  My friend started referring to me as she/her and I adored it - it felt so right.

In August 2016 I decided to make the move to DIY hormone therapy, in an attempt to reduce costs, and to understand the process more intimately (having to assess my own blood test results, and gauge the levels to adjust my regime accordingly) - the medication I took was Spironolactone and Progynova.  This lasted until October 2016, when I went back with Dr Webberley’s GenderGP.co.uk service for a month (back on Finasteride and now prescribed Sandrena gel), before transferring onto a bridging prescription with my GP.  This resulted in a prescription change to Cyproterone Acetate and Sandrena gel.

Around November 2017 I started going swimming in Brighton at events held specifically for transgender people, enabling them a safe space to swim, without fear of judgement, misgendering, etc.  I decided to change my name to Naeomee, a name I feel completely at home with.  I’ve found myself describing myself predominantly as non-binary/demigirl, though on occasion for simplicity I do sometimes use transgirl/MtF.  I feel a lot more comfortable with these descriptions.  I’m planning to undergo surgeries, hopefully having my first surgical opinion in June 2018.

I had my first appointment at Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic in March 2017 - I received a call a day before, offering me a short notice appointment the next day.  I jumped at this, naturally - I had to replan my day, as I was due to go to Brighton for Trans Swimming in the afternoon, which I pushed back to early evening.  The appointment was pretty intense, with a lot of personal questions to establish how I felt, how I identified, what I was looking for, etc.  I won’t lie, it was quite overwhelming and emotional.

My second appointment was in September 2017, again a pretty intense appointment, but at the end I signed a Shared Care document to be sent to my GP meaning that my hormone therapy would be officially handled by the GIC from then on.  My prescription was change to Decapeptyl GnRH (injection) and to remain on Sandrena gel.

It’s now two years since I started on hormones.  Whilst I still have a lot of dysphoria, and often struggle to see the changes I’ve undergone, I get constant daily reminders that I’m slowly passing more - I get compliments from people, comments that they would never have guessed I wasn’t born female, etc.  It’s quite validating for me to hear this.  Yes, I still get misgendered a lot too, especially on days where it’s more difficult to keep up my voice and find myself speaking in my older, bassier voice.

Mostly I feel good, I have decent and supportive friends, I have a wonderful boyfriend (also transgender).  I’m living with him, in our own flat - it’s nice to have a place of our own and to be no longer living under parents.