#fellonblackswan

[kscheibles]

I love how you wrote about that need to look a certain way to be desirable. When the true desire is to feel loved and wanted just as we are.

thank you, you're exactly right! I just read Communion and have been very inspired by bell hooks: she has a whole chapter in the book about how loving our bodies is the first step to being loved by someone else, and that includes dismantling fatphobia in our own minds. Something I struggle with a lot is trying to commit myself to these ideals I believe in (women’s liberation, fat liberation, bisexual visibility) but applying their tenets to my own experience and life. For example, I want to dismantle patriarchal thinking in my own mind but I also still have a desire to make myself conform to conventional standards of beauty because I know that offers a different kind of experience in society. Patriarchy rewards us for conforming in ways that allow us to feel good but not to be liberated. Besides, none of us wants to fall in love with someone we can’t be ourselves with. What would be the point then?

hooks argues that the way we learn to love is through loving ourselves. That often, because of the way we are socialized as women (to be homemakers, mothers etc), we assume that we are loving. However, she says, "[n]othing belies the assumption that women are more loving than men as much as the negative feelings most females hold about our bodies."

She continues in the excerpt below:

"In her amazing memoir, Appetites, Geneen Roth confesses, 'Being thin was the magic that was supposed to heal the damage at the core of me, the damage symbolized by fat. If I lost the weight, I'd lose the damaged core.' Roth understands intimately the connection between the female search for love and our obsession with being thin. She writes that 'our fantasy of what will happen when we turn a final corner and find the love, respect, visibility, and abundance that's eluded us for a lifetime. . .is the adult version of the childhood longing to be seen and loved. When as children we understand that we are going to get that love, we make up stories, create a fantasy life, try to be someone else. And when we believe that love will be waiting around the corner if only we could transform ourselves into different people, we spend our lives trying to turn that corner.' This is self-hatred in action. Female self-love begins with self-acceptance."

Personally, when I have a crush I can tell I start to criticize myself more and be more cognizant that my appearance conforms to standard beauty conventions. I think there’s a part of me that thinks it’s logical: statistically, being conventionally attractive is what would give me the highest chance of them liking me back, therefore I’m kind of happy to play into these things because I desire to be loved so fervently. But I think this evades the real question of love. Love is not vain. I don't think it can exist within an inauthentic person.

But ultimately, there’s a sense of wanting to be good enough for them. Even if my crush is just some guy who’s a teacher in a small city somewhere— not like a rockstar or Nobel laureate or something. I need to recognize that as a feeling of not enoughness in myself. I use my “deficiencies” (esp physical) to justify to myself why they weren’t interested and to flagellate myself even further.

Anyways this was a bit of a ramble. TLDR: I let myself feel this way and I think it's important to recognize it and try to push back against it. Also read Communion by bell hooks!

[shurisneakers]

I just re-read Typos and I love it just as much the 3rd time around, if not more. You are funny, clever, and extremely talented. I hope you never stop writing.

thank you so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 the fact that you've re-read it so much is just !!!!

[wkemeup]

Crawl Home to Her was so beautiful! Thank you for sharing this with us Kas.

thank you for reading!! 🥰❤️

[moonbeambucky]

Tara, thank you so much for taking the time to write and share Hey Neighbor with all of us. I’m sure writing such a lengthy story adds up to a lot of hours in front of a computer. Please know it’s not lost on us that you worked diligently and explored your creativity to give us something so well-written.

Ohh thank you so much this was such a sweet message! 🥰 Yes it took me about 9 months in total to write Hey Neighbor so it’s definitely my baby. I’m so happy to able to share it with you! ☺️💗

[bionic-buckyb]

What’s your favorite nut butter?

i took this very wrong at first. but i love me some almond butter 😂

[avengerofyourheart]

Hi Anika! It’s been a long time since I stopped by. I hope you’re well!

Oh my goodness, Patti!! It’s so good to hear from you! So sorry it took me a bit to respond. You’re so lovely to check it. I’m doing alright! Considering. Still working, which I’m grateful for but it’s stressful. How are you, love? 

[3ndoftheline]

"Will you stay?"was fantastic!

aw thank you!!!

[poealsobucky]

Tagged by the kind and beautiful @bidianaprinxe !

1) Nicknames: Mich, Mishy, Meeps, Mimi, and mushroom haha

2) Gender: Female

3) Star Sign: Libra

4) Height: 5'7

5) Time: 9:56 pm

6) Birthday: October 7th

7) Favorite Band: I don’t really know.

8) Favorite Solo Artist: Ummmm

9) A song stuck in my head: Be the One by Dua Lipa

10) Last movie I watched: Thor: Ragnarok

11) Last show I watched: Brooklyn Nine-Nine

12) When did I created this blog: Last August?

13) What do I post: All of the things

14) Last thing I googled: Fahrenheit to Celsius

15) Do I have any other blog: Yes

16) Do I get asks: Not really

17) Why I chose my url: I wanted people to be clear on the point of my being here lol

18) Following: 234

19) Followers: uh 1.4k here…4.5k on the other

20) Average hours of sleep: 3-4 hrs

21) Lucky number: 7

22) Instruments: oh I can’t even read music

23) What am I wearing: Pajama pants and a T-shirt that says “keep calm I’m the chief bridesmaid”

24) Dream job: Rich philanthropist

25) Dream trip: to see northern lights

26) Favorite food: Pizza, lasagna, burritos

27) Nationality: american

28) Favorite song: I’m not saying cuz yinz will make fun of me 😂

Tagging:

@curiouswildi @kyber-hearts-and-stardust-souls @sunflowermeows @asirenscalling @rotisserierogers @buckys-fossil @sebbytrash @denialanderror @imhereforbvcky @sprinkleofhappinessuniverse @fellonblackswan @jewelsrulz @bionic-buckyb @avengerofyourheart @emcarstairs

[teachingoutsidethebinary]

Tag Game

Tag Game Goal: tag nine people you want to get to know better. I was tagged by @deepnachodelusion Relationship Status: single Favorite Color: neon purple Last Song Listened To: Oh My Soul - Casting Crowns Top Three Shows: Sense8, Yuri on Ice, Westworld Top Three Characters: Bucky Barnes, Peter Parker (Tom Holland), Rey Top Three Ships: Steve/Bucky, Finn/Poe, Kala/Wolfgang Keep it going! @buckyappreciationsociety @theassetseyeliner @bloo-moon-freak @summerbummer2001 @fellonblackswan @animalasaysrauer @4theluvofall @capttainamericaa @fuckkoffcourtney

[justsomebucky]

23!

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing?

Obscure? I have really lived my life as an open book, but..

I was cheated on, as I mentioned previously in an author’s note. My father was an alcoholic who died when I was a teenager, and my best friend took his own life not long ago. I’ve been through my fair share of stuff, and I try to take the lighter fics and make them more realistic, because dating does suck, and people will disappoint you, and you will feel alone.

But you will also find those people who seem to just know you better than you do, and that chosen family that makes you feel wanted and safe, and you’ll find that one person that makes your heart thump harder than you ever thought possible.

So yes, I’ve lived a life, haven’t I? I’m still young, though, and I refuse to let it make me anything less than hopeful.

Holy crap, I totally rambled. Did I even answer the question? Thank you @fellonblackswan for your question and your wonderful support!

[wkemeup]

I’m so glad your pandemic dating is going so well! Remember, you always deserve to be treated well!

aw this is so sweet! thank you love!!

[moonbeambucky]

How are you doing Tara? I hope you and your loved ones are well!

Aww thanks Patti everyone’s doing great including me even though I need a nap 😂 I hope you’re doing just as well

[bionic-buckyb]

I really enjoy the honesty in your dialogue! White Lies is so good! I don't miss Steve the iguana as much. ; )

omg thank you! dialogue is my favorite thing to write. i miss steve the iguana tbh 😂😂😂

[poealsobucky]

tagged by the lovely and talented @sanjariti

zodiac sign: aries | taurus | gemini | cancer | leo | virgo | libra | scorpio |sagittarius | capricorn | aquarius | pisces

myers-briggs: esfp | isfp | estp | istp | estj | istj | esfj | isfj | enfj | infj | enfp | infp|entp | intp | entj | intj

four temperaments: sanguine | melancholic | choleric | phlegmatic

celtic zodiac: birch (the achiever) | rowan (the thinker) | ash (the enchanter) | alder (the trailblazer) | willow (the observer) | hawthrone (the illusionist) | oak (the stabilizer) | holly (the ruler) | hazel (the knower) | vine (the equalizer) | ivy (the survivor) | reed (the inquisitor) | elder (the seeker)

soul type: hunter | caregiver | creator | thinker | helper | educator | performer | leader | spiritualist

hogwarts house: gryffindor | hufflepuff | ravenclaw | slytherin

alignment: lawful good | neutral good | chaotic good | lawful neutral | true neutral | chaotic neutral | lawful evil | neutral evil | chaotic evil

the animal in you: lion | tiger | dolphin | bear | wild cat | fox | weasel | badger | dog | otter | wolf | sea lion | wild dog | walrus | gorilla | deer | rhinoceros | hippo | sable | horse | sheep | mountain goat | warthog | zebra | baboon | elephant | bison | giraffe | cottontail | mole | bat | porcupine | beaver | prairie dog | shrew | mouse | eagle | rooster | owl | swan | peacock | vulture | penguin | crocodile | snake

life path number: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 11 | 22

brain lateralization test: left 52% | right 46%

I tag:

@foreverleia @kyber-hearts-and-stardust-souls @curiouswildi @asirenscalling @carriefish-er @imhereforbvcky @denialanderror @soldatbarnes @oh-nostalgiaa @firefeatherx @mynameisnoelle @sunflowermeows @sprinkleofhappinessuniverse @fellonblackswan @redgillan @realnighttiger​

[wkemeup]

Oh my goodness Kas! Going Backwards was so beautifully written. I feel lighter and happier having read it. Thank you for sharing your gift with us!

aw thank you darling! I really appreciate that! I’m so happy you enjoyed it 🥰

[moonbeambucky]

Dammit Claire or whatever your name is! Don’t jog ok? Don’t just jog by and make comments and ask Bucky questions! Don’t you know jogging by is bad for my health?? 😠

😂😂 Seriously jogging is terrible but if you want to do it don’t jog on the streets where she and Bucky are?? Go run around the park or something, whatever just get out of here! 

Hey Neighbor (Part 20)