#feels like some kind of spasm idk

[caruskiekk]

Bored as always

The day haven't started yet I'm already wanna finish it...

[quaintii]

How would Miguel react if the reader called him "whore".

Miguel-imagine 

Miguel’s reaction to you calling him a whore.

Content warnings: dirty-talk, teasing, spanking, choking, etc idk. fem!reader.

~

You look up and down at Miguel’s tall figure, damn you sometimes get jealous of that ass of his.

“Miguel, why do you wear such tight clothes? I mean your ass is begging to come out.” You exclaim with laughter. 

“Why are you even looking there to begin with??” Miguel grunted. “I mean you kind of look like a whore, dressed up like that. Your suit looks like those skin-tight leather suits.” 

Miguel moves his body, facing you while giving you a disapproving look with his arms on his waist. “Did you just call me a whore?” “Yea, who wouldn���t think that?” You laugh off. “Anyways I’m going to go get some food, I’m famished.” Miguel gives you a smug look, grabbing your wrists as you walk to the door. “And..where do you think you’re going? You think you can just call me a ‘whore’ and proceed to leave?” He chuckles. Your face flames up a bit, sometimes you do become a bit too brave towards him. “You know I just meant it as a small joke right..c’mon Miguel seriously-” 

You were cut off as you were slammed onto a table, your chest against the cold surface. “Miguel, w-what are you doing?” You try squirming your way out of his grasp but it doesn’t budge. 

“Seriously, I’m done with you trying to play these little games, you think I can’t smell you? You dare come into my office looking like that..I would say you’re the whore here.” He whispers close to your ears. 

His hot breath against your neck makes you shiver and makes blood rush to your core. Your hips reluctantly arched against his chest, making your skirt run upward. You were stunned by your sudden movement, but Miguel was right. His features always were so captivated by you, you would constantly wonder how his hands would feel, running along your curves, spreading and breaking you into pieces. 

Alone with your thoughts, it made you melt into goo when Miguel placed his bulge on your hips. You let out a small whimper. “Why do you dress like a dirty slut, walking around like you own the place by strutting your hips to the side…with that fucking ass.” He gruffly says as he spanks your ass, making you jolt. “Mhmf..please..” You mumble. “Are you that desperate for me..” He nibbles a bit on your ear, licking your neck down.

Again, he thrusts his clothed bulge against your clothed cunt. You feel yourself melt like ice cream to the simple touch of his hands gripping ever so lightly on your hips. “Look how wet you already are.” He slides your skirt up to your waist, revealing your lace panties. Your cunt begging to be touched and rubbed. He lightly taps on your cunt which makes you twitch. “Enumfg..Miguel.. please touch me..” You slur out. 

“Is this what you really want? You’re going to have to ask nicely for that.." His thick hands, wrapping around your inner thighs, spreading you for a better view, he palms himself as his erection begins to hurt. 

Miguel quickly turns your body towards him. Your cunt spasming and clenching around nothing as his low hooded lustful eyes pierce into yours. HE grabs onto your throat and spanks your pussy. You yell out a mewl.”You’re such a dirty whore, only good girls get their rewards.” He presses his thumb directly on your clit, making you jerk. You wanted more. 

“But you’re a whore…a slut. Only good girls get what they ask for.” He stands up and distances himself from you, still palming his erection. You let out a long sigh of huge disappointment, you were left needy. 

~

You walk along the line, grabbing a burger and some fries and sit near your friends. “Ey mate, somethings up?” Hobie points out. “Ya keep poking ‘round your food, something wrong eh?” the others look at you, waiting for a response. “No, it’s nothing..I just got scolded by the boss, that's all.” “Well you’ll get used to that, he’s an a-hole.” Gwen states. You nod and you both laugh it off. You eat a couple fries and look around the cafeteria to take your mind off what just happened earlier. You almost choke on your food when you see Miguel looking directly at you, your way. Your cunt starts pulsing again so you press your thighs together. 

Miguel licks one of his fangs and struts off. He knew how he kept you needy, but you’ve had him like ever since you walked through the door so it was simply fair if he left you wanting for more. He craved you every second after all.

a/n: if u guys enjoyed this i could make a part 2! :33

Edit: I finished part 2, check it out <33

[purrplegyuu]

That do you think are the top 3 kink's of treasure??😶‍🌫️

Aye! Sorry for taking this long😭, i’ve been a little busy but here i am. Also, i think i should warn you guys ‘cause i’m not actually very informed about kinks and kinks’ names, so you’ll find some made up ones, sorry.

Hyunsuk’s might be praising kink as number one. This little man would love to listen to you tell him how much you like the way he touches you, the way he looks, how talented he is with his fingers. I think it’s kind of over-used for the producer and leader of every single kpop group but cock warming while he’s working. And finally, love kink (i dont think thats a real kink but idc), my man is just too sweet and too in love, so he would be down for everything if it’s with his loved one. (Such a softie, ik)

Jihoon is a lot into pain kink, like he would go crazy either slapping your pussy or your ass or biting your neck. Strength kink because he is strong—man he is totally the type to manhandle you in thousands of ways just to show you just how stronger he is and just how helpless you are. And finally, size kink. The fact that he’s able to cover your body completely under his… man i’m done🫠. Plus, he would go rock hard the next day after having sex when he sees you struggling to getting up because your legs are weak and your womb hurts, because, again, pain kink. (Yeah yeah, i already said that in the last one post, sorry!)

Junkyu is pretty weird because while some people see him as a sweet cutie pookie little angel, this man is a freak. To begin with, he would be A LOT into bdsm (specially bondage), so there will always be a rope or a pair of handcuffs hanging on the nightstand for him to keepyour hands still (and whenever it’s not, don’t worry, he’ll just use his tie). And never ask him not to cum inside of you because this will only lead on him cumming at least three times more in your womb because here comes his second kink: Junkyu’s breeding kink is crazy. And whenever he cums inside of you, he will hold your neck strongly and choke you just a little— he likes to see the way your body spasms under his, and then goes weak slowly. But hey, you started this! He always tell you not to retain your breath whenever you come.

Yoshi is a little bit weird to me because I sometimes can totally see him as a dom, but then i just feel he’s just a soft subbie, so let me figure it out… degrading AND praising. Likes to listen to you saying you love him, and the way he looks right after licking you whole, and the way he makes you feel, but will also go crazy when you tell him he can’t satisfy you enough and that you might need to look for another pretty boy to fuck instead. And the switch dynamic come back when we talk about his breeding kink—his soft subbie self (the normal one actually) would just love the idea of you carrying his children in between you arms, while his other side would just love the way you look all pregnant, the way your boobs would grow up and the way you ask him to fuck you because you’re feeling needy after two months without sex. (Oh no, i might have gone a little too far with that one🌚)

Jaehyuk is another one i think everyone is getting confused with since shining solo because he looked so submissive, but hear me out. We have another freak. He is also very into bdsm, and sometimes he might have gone a little too far before, so you had to decide a safe word because you never mean it when you ask him to stop. He just overwhelms you too much by edging you with you ping vibrator (‘cause edging is his second kink) and makes you loose yourself with every slap he gives to your pussy. And I shouldn’t say this, but I saw recently an animated porn video (im so much of a loser, sorry) in which a girl is trapped on the hole of a wall and a guy (who ends up being her boyfriend) fucks her for hours, until he cums inside of her and then… he pees… inside of her. Idk, it just screamed Jaehyuk to me so pissing kink. We’ll never mention that again, ok? Hehe

Asahi is the unkinkiest member among all treasure members imo. Sex with him is very vainilla, so I can’t actually come up with anything hot, sorry.

Doyoung is that kind of gentleman who would never admit any of his perversions, but once he actually trusts you, man, it’s gonna be a long night. Would go down on you, taking one of you legs and putting in your shoulder while your other try to hold your whole body up, and would lick you pussy for hours, even after you came twice and ask him endlessly to stop because you’re already too overstimulated. This is his first kink, and asking you to pee in his mouth when you tell him you really need to go to the bathroom is his second kink. And making you squirt would be his third (again, is that a kink?).

Haruto kinda gives me the vibes of a slightly perv guy who feels guilty over his “forbidden desires” so just hides them since he thinks he’s too dirty. However, they are not that dark—not only sexually, but in all the ways, he likes physically smaller girls, so size kink, and that would also lead to the second kink: bulge kink. And keeping your hands still by tying them with his tie is the third.

Jeongwoo is a little darker than everyone else. He’s the kind of guy who watches and repeats on his dreams. The first would be overstimulation (guess y’all already know what it is), the second would be hate kink (don’t know if it exists either but like having sex with someone he genuinely hates) and cervix penetration (which is not penetration actually, but like being so far deep inside your pussy, that he can hit your cervix over and over again).

Junghwan is also strong, so even if i know it is a little obvious and basic to day so, strength kink. Same with his size kink. And this one might take some by surprise but… praising kink. He’s just so cute and little and cute and lovely. Would become from the hardest dom to the sweetest subbie whenever he hears some barely sweet words coming out of your pretty mouth.

[befuddled-calico-whump]

Im having a pretty bad pain day today, can I request some Cingerglass caretaking? Maybe Lex has a bad pain day too, with phantom pains and Sarah being there for him. Idk just he doesn’t have to go through that alone anymore

cw: phantom pain, referenced captivity

He woke to shooting pain in his hands.

It felt like his fingers were overextended and cramping, the muscles in his palms spasming, and Lex wondered dully how he'd managed to hold them open like that as he'd slept. He curled his hands into fists, but was only met with the sound of metal on metal as his cybernetics obeyed the signal. His cybernetics, that he couldn't feel.

He sat up, moving his arms into his lap, the stretching, straining, imaginary pain still there, getting worse, crawling up the forearms he didn't fucking have anymore. He breathed through clenched teeth, trying not to let panic rise in his chest.

(Nest, best, crest)

This had happened before. He knew it was... normal, kind of, but he didn't know how to stop it. In the Tower, he'd just curled up on his cot until it got to be too much and he was biting back screams. With Uriah, all of his energy went into trying to conceal it, trying not to let it become another moment Fox could exploit. Here... fuck. He was free, but it was early morning, and he didn't want to wake anyone up.

He forced himself out of bed, trying to shake off the feeling by shaking his cybernetic arms, but it did nothing. He stared at his hands, willed the ghostly ones to relax and close with the metal ones, but the fingers stubbornly refused, stretching and stretching until it felt like the joints would sever from each other.

(Brother, another)

He needed to go out. Go for a walk or something, try to distract himself, ride it out. He winced as he grabbed the handle of the door to his room and threw it open, tried to keep his breathing even as he moved down the stairs, stumbled towards the door--

"Lex?"

Sarah was already awake. His metal fingers curled into tight fists, but the sound of it only seemed to drive the phantom hands to be spiteful, a flash of pain running up his arms with such intensity that Lex had to choke back a gasp.

"I--I'm going out," he said, forming the words carefully, trying not to let any pain leech into his voice, but the words were coming out too sharp. Clipped. "Be back later." (Hater, crater)

"Are you okay?"

"Fine." Even as he said it, his body sought to prove him a liar, non-existent forearms clenching with enough force that it felt like the muscle fibres were splitting. Lex winced audibly, metal hands coming up to wrap around him before he could stop himself.

Through blurring vision, he could see Sarah getting up, coming to stand a few feet away from him.

"Uh... we might have different definitions of what 'fine' is," she said in a careful voice.

(Brine, sign)

"It-- I can't do anything about it," Lex said. Fuck, he didn't want to explain this right now, didn't want to fuck up her morning, he just wanted to leave so he could scream in peace. "Phantom pain," he said shortly, and hoped that was enough.

Her eyes widened. "Oh shit, hold on, I can grab you some Tylenol."

Lex's brows pulled down further. He kept forgetting that was something that was available, after he'd gone so long without it as an option. "Yeah," he gasped out. "Please."

"Okay, here. Sit down." She held out her hands, and he moved to meet them, allowing her to guide him to the couch.

"I'll be right back."

He hunched forwards, trying to breathe through the next bout of spasms. The moment seemed to drag out forever, but eventually Sarah came back with water and pills, and he took both eagerly.

"I'm not sure how much it'll help---"

"S'okay. It's enough," he said. Miles better than what he'd had access to in the past. His forearms twisted tighter, and he turned away from her, clenching his jaw until the muscle there began to burn. Despite his best efforts, a whimper managed to slip out.

He felt the couch shift as Sarah sat beside him. "Do you want me here?" she said softly. "I can go upstairs if you'd rather be alone."

Did he? He was used to being alone, especially for this, but... he didn't want her to go. Even if it didn't do much for the pain, something in him was drawn to her like a magnet, and he just... felt better when she was nearby.

"Stay," he said, and she smiled in return.

"Okay. I can put on some cartoons? It might help distract you from it."

He nodded, eyes squeezing shut against another wave of pain. Better than nothing, better than staring at the wall and waiting for it to end.

"You... Uh, you can sit closer if you want," Sarah said. "I mean, you don't have to, but if you think it'll help..."

He wasn't sure it would, but because it would be a distraction, because it was Sarah, he inched closer to her, breathing shakily as he lowered his head onto her shoulder, felt her arm rest light on his waist.

It didn't help the pain, not directly.

But it sure felt good to have something to hold on to.

וו×

@whumpacabra @enteredin2eternity @kixngiggles @whumpsday @kiichu @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump @shywhumpauthor @distinctlywhumpthing , @bloodinkandashes , @fleur-alise , @whumpy-daydreams , @whumpwillow , @honeycollectswhump , @snakebites-and-ink

[packedandstrapped]

Heya, idk if you respond to asks like this but figured I’d give it a shot. I’m currently exploring my masc/butch identity and wanted to ask, does having somebody suck on your strap or give you a handjob actually provide sexual pleasure? Does it have to be a specific kind of strap/packer? I’ve been thinking of trying it out but I’m not sure exactly how it works and you seem fairly experienced with it, no pressure to respond though

I thought I could talk about getting hand jobs and blow jobs all damn day but now I'm suddenly shy about it. 😅

I don't feel like it's a super complicated process, but I can identify a few things that stood in the way before I could enjoy it with the intensity that I do now.

Firstly, I don't know if this has come up for you but let me be super clear when I say that getting your dick sucked does not mean:

you're doing anything wrong

your sexual orientation is anything other than the one you identify with

your partner's sexual orientation is anything other than the one they identify with

you're appropriating a trans experience

you're trying to replicate a hetero experience

I came up as a baby butch in a bit of a different time and faced a lot of judgment over this in my close group of friends so sometimes I'm still surprised when folks want to hear about this.

I'm stone so keep in mind that I don't receive sexual touch in any other way than this and it's profoundly gratifying.

does having somebody suck on your strap or give you a handjob actually provide sexual pleasure?

Yes. It provides deep, intense, all-consuming sexual pleasure for me. Specifically (god this is where I get shy), I can cum from getting head in under two minutes and there are so many things that really add to the experience. Like the intense and verbalized desire of my partner to do this for me and the anticipation of the devotion I'm about to receive. For me, the journey to cumming in a femme's mouth starts from the moment I look at her. It's the flirting beforehand and the way she looks down at my lower half. It's the sheen on her lips and the sassiness that rolls off of them. It's the first electric touch that conveys she wants to make me feel good but won't quite say it. It's the soft moan that comes out when she feels my bulge over denim. And the lightest amount of pressure I can feel traveling through my dick and up against my pelvic bone when she drags a nail up to trace my shaft. It's the way she unzips my pants and marvels at the bulge in soft boxer briefs. It's the feeling of my lap being the voluntary place of worship for a femme.

From the moment she releases my cock the visual piece is what I have to battle to not cum instantly. The way she looks at my cock before she makes it hers. Her pretty nails wrapped around my shaft. How she looks up at me when she licks the tip playfully. Seeing her flattened tongue move up and down while she holds my cock carefully in one open hand. The way she works so hard to take as much as she can. The sounds of her small moans and her lips popping as they suck and release just the tip. The hand placement- hers on my legs and mine in her hair. The motion of her head taking my cock in and out of her mouth over and over. Her response to my grunts and groans as I start to unravel. Her hand moving to my lower abdomen to feel the muscle spasms start and finish.

Truly, it is all of those pieces that come together that create the experience for me. If we're just talking about physically, it's the base of the cock pressing up against my pubic bone and the related motions that create the sensation. I think there are some folks that can strap up with any kind of dick and feel good about oral action, but for me, it's like a religious experience with a femme and I love being in tune with every single piece of it.

Does it have to be a specific kind of strap/packer?

I think there's probably a specific combination of things that works for everyone. I have one packer that works for this but most are dual-density cocks with balls and specifically no huge suction cup on the back. I like dicks from the Axolom pack-n-play series for getting head because they aren't rock-hard silicone jabbing units just jamming your partner in the mouth. They're soft, pliable dicks with moving outer skin so the experience feels quite realistic. I think for this part it's important to find what feels good in your hand and what feels like it's a direct extension of your body- that's really the key component.

So that got a bit long-winded but I guess I'm just really passionate about getting head. I can't wait to talk about this kind of stuff with y'all on the stone butch discord server.

[willowandlily]

ok so I haven’t written any fanfic in a while, but I was scrolling back through my docs (I have one for each pairing I write) and honestly so much space is taken up by just random brain thoughts:

par exemple:

“Ace is very much like ‘YEAH DUH I KNEW IT’ (but in a nice way). And then idk what happens…”

“(poor Tegan tho lol)”

“…internalised homophobia, intrusive thoughts and self-doubt (happy happy happy /j)”

“and we get a happy ending (maybe they move in together?? Pretty pleeeaseeee?)”

“(hint they’re GAY GAY GAY)”

“LET’S GET THESE GAYS TOGETHERRRRRRR (Title TBD lol)”

“making Tegan feel not good (wow descriptive innit?)”

“(ALL MY SHIPS BUT MAKE IT CANON COMPLIANT OML LOOPHOLE)”

“(YAZZIEEE)”

“IS LASARTI IN THIS OR DID HE FUCK OFF OR WHAT?”

“(is it still slow burn if they are like these two are icl?)”

“they talk, and GET TOGETHER (not like that, maybe like that??)”

“Tegan panic bc lesbian thoughts”

“(just fluff and angst and Nyssa getting some TLC cos that girl NEEDS it lol)”

…

“If left untreated, muscle spasms and choking to death :)”

“(she is not very conscious)”

“(wibbly-wobbly, timey wimey)”

“(she carries her bc GAY)”

…

“(ouch :/)”

“Anxiously and self-depreciatingly (Tech.-style)”

“(OWWW)”

“(kind of like a panic attack sitch)”

“find places to add in little gay bits”

“just generally making it gayer”

“Xoxo scratch that I have a different Tyssa idea!”

“(INTROSPECTION BEBE)”

[overheaven]

i know i have a lot of things i could be doing better (stretching more, not getting lost in hyperfocus, trying to remember to feed myself) but gotdang i should not be in this much pain always!! anyways gonna journal about that here

it is wacky to have that HUH? THIS ISN’T NORMAL? moment but legit within the last like. two weeks only i have realized my body hurting all the time is not just me being 31 or having bad ergonomics because i realized my partner has the same type of lifestyle and yes she absolutely gets pain flare ups too! but not like this, not all over, and usually improved with minimal changes. & i’m having like “i need physical therapy repair” levels of pain consistently for the last few years, all over in varying different places, and wow yeah like. that really isn’t normal huh.

and maybe i don’t exercise regularly enough but i DO try to be aware of my posture and do at least some end of day before bed decompression and stretching… i know for a fact there are people my age who do even less than that (for whatever reason) who aren’t in this much pain like. is it my bed? am i just sleeping on really shitty mattresses? is it just me doing art or playing video games for too long and getting RSIs? is it a vitamin deficiency?

like i shouldn’t have to be going to the orthopedic walk-in with a different swollen limb or a new pain every month. this is beyond just “agh i got tennis elbow from overexertion” this is “i got tennis elbow from sitting with my arm on the sofa wrong” this isn’t just “my back hurts cause i have an office job” this is “my back hurts when i sneeze, cough, and breathe” this is “i got a muscle spasm so deep i had to go to the ER because i couldn’t unbend my hip without wailing”

then there’s these other elements like, my mouth ulcers have been acting up a lot these past few months, and in recent years i’ve started getting tonsil stones, i developed acne (2-3 years after starting T!) that needed to be treated with accutane even tho that doesn’t run in my family at all, my ongoing habit cough and other respiratory issues… idk i might just be clinging onto the hope that there will be one compact answer to all of this but i wonder if it’s all connected.

it kind of just feels like everything in/on my body flares up or breaks out on the regular. it’s like it’s fighting itself lmao. and idk where to start trying to repair it because each thing is compensating for something else.

i do wonder if this is some sort of long covid thing which i mean i don’t doubt having caught it exacerbated or accelerated issues, but a lot of these have been present beforehand so like. yeah i guess i’m hoping this won’t be written off as “just covid” shit like. bone and joint issues run in my family REALLY bad, as do thyroid issues… idk i wonder if i’m finally getting that shit too lol. got my mom’s side’s shitty eyesight early, might as well get the rest too now ://////

[lucysweatslove]

I’m in a weird kind of mood… and I don’t really know what it is.

Last night my back was hurting for some reason. Probably sitting too long, but it never went full on spasm mode, just some standard annoying pain that wasn’t enough to be concerning but enough to keep me awake. So I was scrolling through Reddit, maybe the medicalschool sub. I can’t really contribute much. But anyway, I saw this eval somebody posted where an intern (first year resident) gave feedback that was essentially:

Lower than average situational awareness affected interactions with team and patients. Usually needed to be told or instructed in simple tasks 2-3 more times than the average student. It’s his first rotation but general disorganization, clear lack of interest in learning technical skills, nervous energy, and inappropriately timed questions made it difficult to trust him as a reliable team members

If reading this you thought “holy fuck that sounds like he might be autistic” then we are on the same page.

Obvs I’m not diagnosing, and the eval could be projections etc. But there were no specific instances cited and the general complaints are both normal when a) somebody is super anxious because it’s their first ever time doing medicine and it’s GENERAL SURGERY one of the top most difficult clerkships, and b) somebody is autistic??

What’s the student supposed to do? Especially over the subjective things. “Clear lack of interest” could have been an introvert being quiet and unsure how to insert themselves. Maybe last time they inserted themselves, they got a weird vibe- maybe it was inappropriate timing but they couldn’t piece together when it would’ve been more appropriate because, idk, autism? Or general lack of communication because how tf are you supposed to know??

Or maybe the “lack of interest” was a blank facial expression when they’re focusing on learning those “simple” technical skills. And then getting annoyed when they ask for help on these skills so they don’t fuck it up? What the fuck?

ANYWAY obvs I’m annoyed and the eval is non-actionable, (2/5, has mastery of English as a language but does not appear to know how to apply this mastery in a constructive, actionable manner. Does not give any specifics when asked for specifics). But, that isn’t really the point. Not is the point anything to do with the annoying details about how med Ed can be toxic and generally unsupportive.

Nah this morning I was scrolling through YouTube shorts and Jessie Paege came up. Idk much about her as a person tbh but the one off videos I see here and there make them seem like a person I’d probably like to be around. She’s recovered from anorexia (fuck yeah), and the video I saw of them was basically a before and after which I think was mostly about showing off their confidence and happiness etc. And they do look more confident and happier both after recovery and coming out / living more authentically herself.

I like her aesthetics and see a lot of myself in her in many ways. Which makes seeing those videos more difficult for me. When I see enough of my own traits in somebody who has had a similar experience, I start to compare myself to them a little more- and not really them but the presented version of them.

And I really don’t know how I feel because I can’t find words that adequately describe it. But it’s like, little things like how obvious my autism is to most people but I didn’t really didn’t pick it up (over a few short videos??) from her. Or like, comparing “recovered” bodies wondering why, even before I recovered into my size, my overall shape is just. Not socially the norm. Whereas their overall shape is pretty normative for the current social climate (which is also kind of fucked up because why is there a normative body anyway? Obviously fatphobia and the like but like why a normative shape??)

And that often spirals a little. I’m not saying she doesn’t get any hate (if you’re an online personality you’re getting hate; if you’re even a little bit fem at least some of that hate will be about your body). But I am saying that if somebody with MY body size and shape, even if posted the same kind of body-focused stuff, there would be far fewer positive comments.It just is.

And I wouldn’t take any of the positivity away from Jessie, not at all. Again I don’t really follow her or know her super well, idk if she’s ever done anything problematic, and I don’t know her heart. But they seems genuinely to be a good person who deserves love and kindness and to be celebrated for their achievements and resiliency. Just gotta be VERY clear on that.

I don’t really know what it is, but to be these two things - comparing myself / how I experience divergency to somebody else’s divergent experiences AND seeing how divergences are treated in medical education - seem linked to me. Maybe it’s because any form of *showing* divergence is pretty harshly judged in med ed, and then in main culture you can be divergent and show the divergence, but only in specific ways.

Dunno if I’m marking any sense at all.

[marshmallow-biscuit-blog]

I'm gonna ramble about my scoliosis diagnosis just because scoliosis isn't ever taken seriously. Also, possible warnings of malpractice? Idk even?? It just seems really miscolored to me.

I was lucky to get diagnosed really early in life with scoliosis because my mom actually fucking listens to me when it comes to medical things. She may have never had a medical degree, but she did work at a hospital as a secretary and had to do a lot of hands on things with patients at many points, and had to know her shit or it could literally kill patients, so she was medically wise. I had always mildly complained about my back, but for awhile it had been hurting ridiculously bad. So she had taken me to my nurse practitioner to get it checked out. She had told be to bend down and try to touch my toes and she kind of pulled my shirt up some and felt and look at my back. She flat out went "Oh yeah- that's definitely a moderate case of scoliosis. No wonder your back's been aching, kid." She gave me an appointment to the hospital to get the plates in my hand scanned to see if I was done growing (I was only like 10 or 11 so very probable I wasn't done growing) We went there, got the plate figured out, they all reached or whatever which meant I was done growing. We made it to the orthopedic surgeon (which is who we were told to go to) and- listen. I know he was busy or whatever- but I was his only patient that day apparently in the hospital- and that's why he was so fucking crossed with a 10-11 year old girl I guess, because he had to do his job. Anyways, he literally took one look at me, and said "Oh geez, it's JUST a moderate case. It's not even severe, why are you guys even here?" Like those were his exact fucking words out of his mouth. So being an emotional little 10 year old, I was already on the verge of tears feeling like I was wasting his time- giving him his work for his job? I did as I was told and got on the mat thing- and I don't know if this is normal procedure or not, but he balled his hand in a fist, and didn't punch obviously, but literally grinded his fist into my shoulder blades, which did make me cry out in pain because- that's not where my scoliosis is? At all? This was apparently to 'reform my spine.' He never once touched my spine. He even called me a "baby" for crying about it, and after that my mom said "don't touch her again" and we both left. We told my nurse practitioner what happened and she was in disbelief about it, but said she was so sorry about that. She ended up prescribing me with both pain meds and muscle relaxants (since my muscles are constantly trying to realign my spine, so much so sometimes I get spasms so bad that my legs buckle under me and I fall down) This guy was at the Springfield Cox hospital in Missouri btw if anyone can give further information? I have no fucking clue, but I do--- not recommend him.

Hot tip for parents both present and future: When your kid tells you something is wrong, listen to them!

Sorry for not posting much lately, I’ve been busy with work and personal stuff, including an upcoming spinal x-ray I’ve been waiting over a decade for and the angriest doctor I’ve ever met in my life

[peepingcreek]

incedent

Today I was at my dads old university library and I saw some students sitting near us kind of motion towards him giggling and whispering. Although my fam is all ADHD/neurodivergent, not fitting in has been something that I have been profoundly bothered by my whole life.

I don't know for certain that they were talking about my dad (for context he is a highly functioning autistic) but it really hurt me. I love my dad alot, and although he goes into what I call his "autistic spasms" a lot, picks fights and is weirdly dogmatic, he is one of the most sincere, hardworking people that I know, and worked really hard to make a life for himself in higher academia.

I remember a number of years ago he was worried about a faction of faculty members who just "didn't like the way that he was" and was in serious danger of losing his job, maybe under some sort of review? Idk how colleges work. He said that a few people that he really trusts stuck up for him and because of that he could keep his job.

Afterwards, I remember he made a serious effort to dress better, approach people more and mask more in conversations.

As someone who has traits like his because he is... my dad. I have dealt with this same exclusion as long as I can remember, but it hits different seeing it happen to someone you love.

"Hey did you guys see an old man sitting here earlier?" "oh yea" "did you see where he went?" "No sorry" "that was my dad, I feel like I am constantly losing track of him haha"

[julien5-malfunction]

25082024

Other than obsessions;

Last month was really good. Unbelieveably so. I honestly thought this eternal depression was finally over and things were going to snap into place and there wouln'd be more suffering.

I was wrong and i knew it was too good to be real.

It's like i was lifted high up into the air, only to be thrown on the ground with more force.

Everything is falling apart. Everything tht goes wrong, goes wrong.

Yesterday, i cried in bed till 5pm and cried some more after that. I didn't do much else than cry and wish that i had the courage to end it. Today is a little better but i had some sort of nightmare and it kinda freaked me out. I don't really have dreams that often in general, nightmares; even less. Some kind of creepy black and white image jumpscared me and i felt a spasm in my throat. I don't know if the spasming out part was real or not, it felt real...

My mother must be some kind of stalker. Apparently she knows where i live and as i guestion who the 🦆 told my address, ahe said that she 'just so happen to see where i was going one day'.

Consider this: I live on the very 🦆ing opposite side of town, there is nothing worth visiting here, only the grave yard. In case she did accidentally figure is out, she must have been visiting the grave yard, and when is that? Most likely christmas or easter or something like that. I don't really leave my home durning holidays like that. So what are the chances? I'd say pretty low. I'd day the bitch followed me home.

I don't feel safe anymore.

I told everyone to inform me before knocking on my door, or i'll be standing there like an american defening their yard, so to say.

My sleep got fucked up.

Oddly enough, when i removed the knifes from the wall near my bed, my sleep started to improve. I don't know if witch craft or any of that is real or had something to do with that, or if it happen to line up with whatever neuro chemical imbalances are happening in my body.

Physical health deteriorated.

I've been so tired. This is a major anti-boner since it's mushroom season and i want to go outside and wonder around the woods and collect sticks and things, now that the bloodsucking bugs are gone too. But i'm. so. tired. Idk if it's that i'm bled out whatever little hemoglobin i had and it's rendering me half dead or something like that. Last month i was taking daily walks and lifting a little and had less pain, just felt like how i imagine normal healthy people feel like all the time, just to have it ripped away from me.

I'll be curious to see if my blood work is even more fucked than last time. Half a year ago they just told me to take suppliments and control tests after 6months. I'll have to save money for a private doctor to get me the infusion thing if the public healthcare ppl won't do shit about it. The suppliments don't seem to work... I'll see about that next month, if i don't suddenly die of oxygen deprevation in the brain before that.

I'll try to remain alive. I still have some faith in somethings. I just need to get better to be able to go for them. I just need to get better in general and putting the rest in order will be the easy part.

And i can't go, haven't had my revenge yet.

[nathank77]

8/13/24

7:41 p.m Added to significantly

It took me awhile to answer that anon, who I do wonder who they are. It took me a while to compose what I wanted to say bc I have anxiety but it also prompted a thought I've been thinking for a while:

Why when typical antipsychotics are so dangerous aren't there other drugs being made to try to help people who have hallucinations?

I'd love to try something that doesn't cause movement disorders and turn some people like my uncle into a zombie.

I'm on white mulberries for a reason. Idk what they'll do to me long term and it scares me but- they can treat Parkinson as shown in a research study on Google scholar. They aren't known to cause it. They can also lower blood sugar levels and make a pre diabetic like myself, have lower levels.

Although they don't have long term studies showing the effects they have on everything which is what scares me about them.

I think it's really depressing bc like cancer we have chemotherapy. Nothing else really other than surgery. Chemotherapy causes all kinds of awful side effects but it's this or die to cancer or if you're lucky maybe you can avoid both with surgery like my sister who had half her thyroid removed...

But antipsychotics need to be phased out. There needs to be a new typical antipsychotics with years of research backing it with less risks. Just like there needs to be options for cancer beyond chemotherapy.

Psychosis/schizophrenia is very much like cancer. You're dying from the inside out and your only treatment option is something that can be severely detrimental to your health.

I'd never take antipsychotics. Even if it did get worse. I'd rather die. Why?

When I was having muscle spasms unfortunately due to the statin (I wish I didn't get that side effect and I could have stayed on it bc I'd like to lower my cholesterol) but when I was having them I had dreams of me losing control of my facial muscles and me grimacing.....

I had nightmares of my facial muscles having a mind of their own... and that's the sad part about psychosis and schizophrenia.

When someone takes these drugs and it actually starts happening to them, not only are they scared and don't know what else to do, the voice laughs at them. It taunts them. It says I ruined your face and I'm still here.

It's fucking disgusting. Psychosis and schizophrenia are disgusting. While I panicked about my muscle spasms. I had those nightmares and if I had taken antipsychotics I'd have had those nightmares everyday from the moment I started taking them. The mental pictures as well. And when it started happening to me, the voice would have laughed at me.

It laughs at me sometimes. It mocks me sometimes. It would have had a field day if those side effects happened to me. It would have a field day if it was still as intelligent and creative as it once was.

Now it's a broken record of happy birthday and so on. But sometimes when I have anxiety it laughs at me. And if I had taken those drugs and got those side effects all my mental pictures and dreams would have been my face grimacing and I'd hear a mocking laughing chant, "I did this to you. I ruined your face"

And that's why I say fuck you to psychosis, you won't ruin my face. You won't make me a zombie. You didn't take my body to weight gain from Methimazole. You lost. You're losing every single day. You can laugh at what you did to my internal monolgue but it's almost normal now. You can laugh about what you did to my mental pictures but they are actually very normal now.

I'm winning, I'm beating you.

It still laughs about making me microsleep while it says it feels bad that it made me microsleep....

I didn't and won't take antipsychotics bc I won't allow it to give me those mental pictures while I freak about it happening to me. I won't let it give me those nightmares while I am on a drug that can actually cause it.

I won't let it laugh at me and mock me and say, "I did this to you."

All it's going to be able to say is, "I made you microsleep." And it has said that. And that's enough trauma for a life time. I can't even tell you how traumatized I am from it. I want to cry just writting about it right now. I'll never get over it.

But I'll never let it say, "you can't even control your facial muscles or your body, and I'm still here look at yourself. Look at what I did to you."

It already took enough. Closing my eyes will give me anxiety until the day I die.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary154

2/15-16/2024

thursday - friday

tomrrow , the end of my weekend.

strange how all my time feels a bit like a countdown, right now, but it's not so bad, it's not so awful, i guess. today i feel a lot better, still obviously sick, i sound like terrible, right now, my voice is crazy but i feel completely fine otherwise, or not completely, my nose too, but it's crazy how bad i sound, i sound like one of the red scare women, which i really hate, but at least the irritating voice will only last for so long, just hopefully before i start work. maybe even by tomorrow. i want to try recording tomorrow, i'm deciding a song has some vocal issues and i want to get them fixed, but in order to do that my voice needs to sound good and also i need to scream kinda, maybe, i dunno. it's hard to get that kind of thing right, just in every way, it's hard to get the screams right, it's hard to know if i can / should do it, it's hard to know if it'll even work and if it's even what i want the song to sound like. but i think it is, in parts, what the song needs. it's just very difficult to get the more hardcore songs right, idk what about it is so hard, some of them aren't fucked up really, but this one is, kinda, i guess.

in order to figure out what to do, i'm listening to combatwoundedveteran, they always give me good ideas, they're like one of the best pv bands ever, to me. it really articulates some kind of fucked up feeling inside, not like, about how bad i feel, but a fucked up thing that happened to excitement, where i just have to feel it like that, where it's like violent, and crazy, spastic and doing whatever, spasming on the floor.

i think getting the synth louder in this song is gonna help a lot, or like, not louder, but more present, i made the rare decision to cut out this one hardly audible synth, which was 'audible' in that it kind of super interfered with the main guitar thing, in a weird way, leading to the song sounding kind of panned, in a weird way. which maybe there's a good idea, double track the main guitar, also? idk. could be wayyy too much, if i'm doing that w/ the synth i don't know if the guitar needs that.

i'll try it, i can try anything, tee bee eytch. it's just good for the vocals to have stuff panned, and maybe even farther than i am used to. it's just so weird sounding to me, to have anything hard panned in my music, but maybe that would be good, or idk, i doubt cwv's always totally hard panned, it sounds like it kinda close but maybe not as much, i think the guitars probably share some stuff in the middle on some productions on the comp, and electric youth crew def has some stuff that's a bit more centered, and i like how fucked that split sounds on their side, super heavy in a weird way, where it doesn't lose/sacrifice the scrapey weirdo guitar bullshit, it just amplifies the mess it all makes. it sounds honestly perfectly listening now. something crazy, is the drums are panned left, there, insane to me, to even do that.

panning wider on the song seems like a good idea. it's going well, it's making me think about doing the splits/spreading my legs. strange thing to think about while mixing a song.

while waiting i've also been doing pixel art guts, which is something i'm used to drawing, idk why but i always would draw distended organs, whenever i drew, when i was like, motivated normally, and when i was studying a lot, i'd do hands, but i think hands would be really difficult to do in 64x64 res + i like doing things like deforming them. it's fun to do but i am not a very great artist, i think, but maybe i could try getting a drawing done like that, and then using it as a ref layer or something, and then doing,,, something, with it, i guess.

the song sounds really good now i think except i need to do something to the vocal mix, i think i should just try redoing it entirely but that's not a bad thing honestly, like, with everything set up, it should be easy to just like, do the fx chain, cuz i know it well now, and get things where they need to be, really i think i cut too much in weird places and just need a clean slate to try and get it right, and just cut at the start and the end, and maybe boost in this rack fx-simulator, so i can get some more highs out of it after the multiband compressor.

otherwise, i did do another song today, and that one sounds just good, this new idea i had abt doing saturation for the instrumental and then vocal separate is probably very dumb in a lot of ways but it's seeming to sound quite good, especially when i have some light saturation at the very end anyways to smash it all together kinda.

tomorrow i'll probably do what i did today, cuz i really dunno abt recording, as much as i want want want to, getting on with one song, solving issues w/ this bigger problem song, but everything is really falling into place on it, feels less like i'm thrashing around pointlessly and more like i'm on the right path. which makes me feel good.

i also dealt with a friend really bothering me today, w/ her weird stuff about another friend, i had to go and talk to others about it, she was basically humiliating him and airing stuff out that didn't need to come out. i feel like, weird, i guess, about defending my friend without telling him i did it, but he's been away all day, i guess. the humiliation wasn't anything especially bad, just like, fucking up a move, it sucks for him and her other friend who he was trying to live with, especially since my friend was not perfect, but i can't go into detail here. at the end of the day it just wasn't going to work, it seems like. the two of them did not mix especially well. i just hate seeing this one friend be like, i don't want to say a bully because she just doesn't know. she thinks making people ashamed will make them better. that's just how you push people into being bigger fuckups, i know because of my gf's brother, i know this because of my stepdad, i know this because of like, so many people in my life, my stepmother, my gf's mom, being told you should be ashamed and how wrong you were, like a dog that pissed in carpet, just grows resentment. this is really all i can say because people i'm talking about come off as petty and freakish to me and i don't really want them prying or looking. if they find this i hope they know it's them and whatever. this is a problem with a public diary, i want to say how i feel about people, but some people you have to anticipate being weird and stuff, specifically certain kinds of people in your life.

my gf sometimes looks at the diary and as it was starting i was like, embarrassed, i told her not to look, but now i don't really care. i mean, beyond not caring, i'm completely fine with it if she wants to. now that it's a regular ritual for me, it's like, not less meaningful, but now i'm in the routine of putting everything regular down, articulating the minute parts of every day, and those new feelings or whatever, or even just like, diagnostic information for mixing music.

it's crazy how badly that first 'oh my god this sounds awful in other environments' thing hit me and made me want to die like crazy. i felt like such a failure. i guess the album is better for this though.

anyway i need to sleep soon so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thelostdisaster82]

So once again ……

It all makes sense! From the white sand in my bed and only my side of the bed sheets comforter and mattress and pillows all wet the water next to the bed every time I get up in the middle of the night. My neighbor who knows a bunch of useless knowledge or at least pretends he does,. To me when they get talking I tone them out but for some reason there are few things my brain remembers….

1.“dry drowning.”

(When this airway closure happens and no water goes into your lungs, that’s technically dry drowning, explains Dr. Milk. “The injury happens from a lack of air and asphyxiation.”)

2. reflex called a laryngeal spasm.

3. Pulmonary edema

(causes you to have trouble breathing or experience frightening sensations like shortness of breath and chest tightness. “Liquid, or fluid, is actually in your airway,” he continues. “You’re kind of drowning in your own fluid, even though you’re not in the water.”)

4. Heavy, persistent coughing.

Shortness of breath or trouble breathing.

Fever

Dry mouth or foaming at mouth

Skin discoloration

So my neighbor old roommate was at his house grant u we haven’t seen her in few months since we had falling out bcuz I’m pretty sure she was screwing my husband . I called her out on it and she quit coming around or speaking to us. Or me at least I thought.

When we went over there she pops off with

Drowning would be a shitty way to die. I mean u just can’t breathe screw that. … i mean the cops done took my truck spray it down looking for blood on it couldn’t pin shit on us anyhow so fuck it!

My husband like ya hahaha

My neighbor says right then …

My neighbor starts going on about pulmonary edema Heavy, persistent coughing. Shortness of breath… their lungs fill up and they just quit breathing. Your lungs stop functioning correctly.

Idk wth the whole conversation ever came from bout drowning or anything and I was just completely flabbergasted.

And it hit me like a ton of bricks today.

My husband always telling me he gonna kill me and make it look like accident.

This would be exactly that. Im not a smoker yet when I walk from bedroom to bathroom im outta breathe my skin color has been off kinda grayish white and I feel like I’ve got something stuck in my throat all the time and I can’t seem to drink enough and Always have extremely dry mouth. Fevers on and off and the absolutely worst headache of my life and my legs and stomach and face are swollen.

The sad part is I just don’t fucking understand why someone who has done absolutely everything I could possibly do for him and yet he would want to hurt me like that? Craziness! It breaks my whole heart. Why would he do that to me? I know the other two people are fucked up sick twisted mf who I still ain’t scared of. Any man that has to sleep with pistol on his chest has some pretty fucked up demons and he says he shoots when they run well coward if ur gonna shoot me ur gonna look at me when u do it cuz I am not afraid to die….do me a favor but knowing the person u love would devise a plan like that? And as far as the fat bitch….I thought u was my friend but all u are is left overs has beens …with bleached out crotch panties….leave that shit at ur own house oh that’s right ……u don’t have one u lost it! I used to feel sorry for u but now I know why ur best friend friend fucked ur bf it’s called karma for doing the same to someone who didn’t even know ur ass yet I made ur bf look like bitch n took ur truck back left him on side of gas station looking like Edna bcuz u had to move out and he had taken ur truck. But it’s all good ! U will always be third wheel in ur threesomes…mf laugh at u bout ur sad notes u wrote them bout being third wheel … but my own husband to stoop down to this is beyond me. Gag is up Check mate mfs u lose….I’ll always be smarter than u! Not to mention I am Not a Holy person but I’m perfectly protected by my God! So kick rocks and eat fish heads…if something happens to me they know where to go!

[not-souleaterpost]

This posts brings up a good point, but even though I had some joke thoughts in the notes already, I think I got a brainblast big enough to try to be a contrarian again.

I wont go into the manga here so no worries for anybody who thinks Im just gonna use this as an opportunity to spoil and shit on it lol

Also I may look like I'm white knighting the anime too much even for my standards, so lets start with saying that it is a mostly solid and good criticism of it, because it brings up a problem with a pivotal part of it all, and not just whines about stupid lore inconsitencies or powerups like the crictisms I actually dismiss.

So anyways, I first remembered how ironically peeps that like Maka and Soul as a couple used the fact Soul was so unbothered by getting sliced as a trait that made him both appealing and a good match for Maka - somebody who even outwardly is crass and abrasive but in things that matter to her supports her unconditionally - even if it would totally be expected for him to be bothered by it.

But this lead me to rethink the situation - in a way Soul is supposed to be determined to place his live on the line, he escapes from his old identity by being totally into the role of the "cool" weapon that does the job of the DWMA and more importantly of his Meister without question. And this is shown many times, even with the conflict evolving into Soul feeling useless when alone.

Anyways, maybe my thoughts are to scattered to make clear what I mean - but lets look at it this way - Soul and Maka both are like soldiers putting their lives on the line (yeah yeah, its a whole other topic with the child soldier angel), its a kill or be killed world literally, and they commence the execution of Crona - a weirdo kid that even then clearly is fucked in some way - this leads to the famous near fatal wound - which also Soul choce to get, twisting the dynamic into a self sacrifice thing and even kind of removing Crona from the strong negative emotions they both feel about it - well later because at first Makas whole Modus Oporandi is to kill Crona, even if that already gets twisted from revenge to an inner battle of insecurities.

Anyways, the point Im getting to, that by the time the whole sappy Crona beach scene happens, it already gets implied that nobody is really blaming Crona as some malicious actor (even if one could arguee that its clunky, especially with the death of those thugs at the church and other things, but I guess even the fact that at the boat all the souls were allready killed was a way for the story to try to soften the evil of the actions, even if kinda dishonest to do it that way but idk)

So this is the situation - Maka and Soul and the whole DWMA forgives Crona for being part of a plot to resurect the devil, for all other killings and evil shit, so then maybe the whole "well shit you got nearly killed by being cut up man" thing in a twisted way doesnt really matter to Soul - like holding over some scissor incident over the weird kid who turns out had some unexpected muscle spasm attack and you getting injured while trying to get the scissors from hurting somebody (lol ok maybe one of my worst analogies, but still get what I mean?)

Idk, at the end one can say its unrealistic that Soul even if he has some logical reason to not feel this resentment would still feel unconsious anger and antipathy towards Crona or Maka's increased interest in the psycho kid but eh, dunno in the end its a conceit of the story - even as a kid I thought it was kinda emotioanlly unrealistic that atleast some kids arent scared of Crona or think that the DWMA is crazy for lettting a murderer just walk around, but I think thats įust missing the forrest for the trees of stories - in the end it is a way to show and communicate metaphors, in this case the integration of an outcast by a supportive community - even having therapists would ruin it and turn it into something else and go against the whole point of bonds being what brings us back from the abyss of fear cause nobody aint bonding with some grumpy bored theraphist who is only checking of a list without even understanding how human connections work lol (think this anonymous ask I used to request an image that actually kinda blew up illustrates it best, damn should have been public with it, so much clouth lost...:

Art credit to @slimeel (Hope it had enough reblogs to not go.against etiquette)

((reading this shit gave me a bigger ego boost and feeling of euphoria than a lot of things lol))

Anyway, did I just write everything to go on a tangent to try to claim a post I cant prove I made?

Yeah...Sorry- Nah wait, back to the point.

So yeah, in the end I think it still is a good question, and I think I'll need to rewatch the anime to figure out if Soul really was as sidelined as he really was - or if it was the point - that Soul is a great partner because in the end he trusts his Meister, even if they both may not allways show it.

(Also maybe this is part of Souls real struggle of fearing abandoment once people see him for who he is and why Maka accepts him and opens the box - the fact he supported her even if it lead to being thirdwheeled is prove enough he is a person worthy of unconditional respect, no matter what ugly or lame side he may hide🤷‍♂️)

And also to get really pretentious - maybe it was a flaw of the whole conceit of including the Emine inspired Crona Maka stuff in a story that has the partner theme so ingrained with the Meister Weapon relationship - it just formally causes many situations where charachters feel neglected or even forgotten about because its hard to write somebody bonding with a new person who used to be an enemy while jugglijg the whole aspect of the Maka and Soul relationship - ofcourse more time or maybe a different story could handle it, like maybe making Crona just a weapon and the conflict resolving with Maka dual weilding while making sure that Maka assures Soul that she isnt abandoning him for a new toy and making Soul appreciate Crona and actually forgive the black dress stick figure after actually being saved by Crona directly or Crona doing something only for Soul and not for Maka by proxy ((also one reason Soul could be cool with Crona in the end is because Crona protected Maka by jumping into the attack so if Soul values that the most it kinda comes full circle, yaknowwhatImean?) So yeah idk maybe writting a situation about a friendship not breaking even after adding another part to it would actually be interesting and an aspect of life that isnt often discussed in media. But who knows.

Anyways I think I missed the point again but still guess I should have just saved it all for the iceberg lol.

"now the anime i felt diminished Soul's character in the second half... that's another topic though, haha."

What do you mean, his character was diminished?

Hello! Sorry it took me so long to answer!! Spoilers ahead for anyone who hasn't seen the whole show.

Let me approach this a different way... We know the running joke about Tsubaki, that after the Masamune arc she gets no character development. Her lines are just screaming Black Star's name, and that's about it for her.

That's how it feels for Soul after Crona shows up. Except with him it's just...silent brooding and watching his meister put all her focus onto someone else. The meister/weapon relationship that seems like it's kinda supposed to be the whole point of the show...? We don't get much of that for Soul and Maka anymore until the finale. And then it feels just kinda...forced in at the last moment, since we haven't gotten much of that.

He's not the only one whose arc gets skewed, and a good lot of that is due to the anime ending so abruptly and not getting to tell a fuller story. It needed at least ten more episodes in my opinion, whether it followed the manga or not... It just ended too fast.

But Soul specifically got supplanted by Crona, and it makes no sense to me. To have his relationship with Maka just...set aside entirely. Or rather, the issue is that they tried to pretend it wasn't. They tried to pretend all was well, and then bring it back at the very end as if things have been fine the entire time. But no.....no they haven't been.

For some idk like fifteen episodes or so? The only glimpses of Soul are him brooding, pining, trying to be himself toward Maka, being a good friend and weapon, but Maka only has eyes for Crona. Even at their apartment her only thoughts are for Crona, even telling Soul to leave her alone one time. She puts this wall between them and doesn't even know she's doing it, and Soul... His devotion to her never changes.

And... He never gets resolution with Crona for himself. So Maka just...forgave Crona I guess for almost killing Soul? Remember that huge giant plot point that started back in episode 7? That started the entire black blood thing? We never see or hear them talk about it but I guess Maka just....let it go, after purifying Crona? Which makes NO sense but okay I guess. But what about Soul... So since Maka decided to forget about Crona almost killing him, Soul is supposed to just forget too? Since his meister has decided to obsess over this poor mixed up kid who desperately needs professional help NOT a friendship that's doomed to unhealthiness due to the kid's issues, and Soul's supposed to just...be cool with it?

I was really glad that Kid brought it up that one time at the courts, even if it was just for a moment. At least somebody remembered what Soul went through. But it should have been his meister.

So yeah it's just...messed up. In summary.... Soul gets ignored second half of the show till a last-minute dramatic thing in the finale, but it feels out of place since Maka has ignored him for who knows how many episodes except to tell him to leave her alone. Soul has remained devoted and loyal. Soul's devotion to her has him repeatedly use the black blood for the sake of all of them, risking himself. And Maka just forgot I guess about her "new project" or whatever almost killing her weapon. And Soul just gotta deal with....all of that. Deal with what looks like the slow losing of his meister.

Yeah. That's what I meant by Soul being diminished... Everything about him was just kinda forgotten except what he could do for the rest of them.

Gonna take a left-turn here and compare Maka to her father again... Wonder if this is what Stein felt like watching his weapon go off with someone else, slowly losing him to some new, interesting person for whatever reason...

Yeah Maka, your weapon deserved better from you.

All that said? Oh I still ship it. I can be annoyed as heck with canon and still use it, lol.

[astupidweeb69]

Unrequited (Yandere! Ticci Toby x Reader)

Second Chapter is here: Part 2 

The Other Chapters: Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9

Author’s Note: This is literally the first thing I’ve written in over 7 years? Possibly longer than 7? I don’t know. The point is, it’s been a long ass time so don’t judge too hard on my writing skills. I’m so out of practice lol.

I just had Toby on the brain and wrote this on a whim. I don’t know if it’s a one-shot or if I’ll write multiple parts. I guess I’ll figure it out later.

I first got into the fandom back in 2013 and kind of watched the fandom die and then come back again in recent years. And now I’m back in my creepypasta phase and I’m writing fanfiction. Whatever, cringe culture is dead. Here’s my writing I guess.

Cross-posted on my Ao3 account, which I update more frequently.

Warnings: Swearing. Some mentions of murder in passing I guess? The reader likes watching horror movies idk. Written in Toby’s perspective. (2,385 words).

******************

He honestly didn’t think it would go this far.

It started off as an innocent glance towards your face. Sure, Toby has seen plenty of people over the years he was attracted to, he was a person made of flesh and blood after all. He tried not to act on these needs though, and if he did, he would at least try to find others in his “line of work” who wouldn’t pry too much into his personal life and wouldn’t judge him (or run screaming) when they got to know him.

But you were different. You weren’t a killer or some kind of monster. You were just a person. A good-looking one, but a person, nonetheless. You were in no way a part of his world and for this reason, were out of Toby’s reach.

However, despite these complications Toby couldn’t bring himself to stay away. The rush he felt every time you so much as entered a mile radius of him was too much for him to handle. He was addicted to the euphoric feeling, the way his body burned and ached to touch yours, how his heartbeat pounded like a drum, and his breathing became heavy with desire. Even his tics would become more noticeable, his muscle spasms and cracking bones gaining the attention of anyone who happened to be around him. Usually it would bother him, even give him a reason to return to whatever shitty rundown place he was calling “home” that week. But he had become accustomed to the cold, monotonous, and unforgiving world that surrounded being a proxy. And he wanted that to change. He wanted you. From the first moment you two had met.

And he could still remember every detail of that day.

*****************

Toby had been out on a supply run at a gas station close to the proxy’s current base. He’d been looking in the chip aisle when the unmistakable sound of a bell chiming alerted the employee behind the register of a new customer.

Toby’s tired eyes briefly shot up to see who had entered. He was met with a cute little thing absolutely drenched from the rain, slightly out of breath from trying to find a dry place as quickly as possible. Unfortunately for you, it didn’t matter how fast you had run, your clothes were already soaked. And fortunately for Toby, you’d decided on wearing a simple white t-shirt that day. It clung to your skin and was practically see through now. You were fumbling with the hem of your shirt trying to get it to stop sticking, trying to shrink yourself down to not catch any unwanted attention. But it was too late, Toby was already focused on you.

Watching you nervously look around for something, his dark eyes followed your every movement as you started to walk in his direction.

Wait, why were you walking towards him? Your eyes were definitely looking his way.

Were you going to talk to him? He felt his heart rate speed up as his mind starting reeling at the possibilities. What if you hit on him? He couldn’t remember the last time a pretty girl spoke to him. Or even gave him the time of day. When was the last time he even showered? Shit. He’d covered up the gash on the side of his face, right?

“Uh, excuse me?”

He was snapped out of his thoughts at the sound of your voice.

Toby blinked. “Y-yeah?” Fuck. His stutter. He tried to compose himself, his face involuntary grimacing and his body twitching despite his efforts. God he can only imagine what you were thinking right now.

“Could you please move so I can grab some (favorite snack)?” You were clearly trying your best to maintain a friendly smile. He could tell you were uncomfortable; he’d been staring far too long. Had you caught him looking at your…? Shit, he hoped you hadn’t noticed. Even though he hadn’t exactly been very subtle.

You cocked an eyebrow. “Or… I could grab a different snack… I guess?” You let out a nervous chuckle, attempting to lighten the mood, getting ready to retreat from the strange guy in front of you.

“No! That’s nuh-not necessary… luh-let me just…” He grabbed one of the bags containing your desired snack, and with a hand getting sweatier by the minute offered it to you.

“Here yuh-you go” He twitched, the corners of his mouth struggling to make any kind of face that would make him appear normal.

Your hand reached out to grab the food, fingers lightly grazing his own.

His whole body shivered with delight at the contact.

You muttered out a “Thank you” and quickly turned on your heels to scurry away towards the register.

You had picked out a (favorite color) umbrella from a bin and set your items on the counter to be scanned.

The cashier was looking you over, with just about the same amount of subtly as Toby. He was about Toby’s age, early to mid-20s, with messy blonde hair, light green eyes and a dusting of freckles across his face. The guy was good-looking, Toby had noted bitterly, and he continued to watch the two of you interact from afar, with an ever-increasing amount of jealousy.

“Did you find everything you were looking for?” The guy asked. There was a slight playfulness in his tone that you clearly picked up on.

“Uh… yeah? I mean yes.” You began stumbling over your words. “I did… I guess.”

Toby kept listening, still pretending to be invested in deciding what food to buy, all while smiling to himself. You may have understood the cashier was interested in you, but boy were you bad at dealing with it.

“Glad to hear it. And are you part of our rewards program….?” He trailed off expectantly. The cashier wanted to know your name, Toby realized, and he wanted to know too.

“(Y/N).” You replied hastily. “And no, I’m not.”

(Y/N). Toby repeated in his head. It suited you.

The cashier lifted his eyebrows and flashed a wide toothy grin. “That’s a pretty name.”

“Thanks, my mom gave it to me.” You blurted out. It was an awkward attempt to flirt back, failing to match the man’s laidback approach to flirting. Luckily for you, the guy didn’t seem to care, laughing at your small quip in spite of the poor delivery. And to Toby, your embarrassing display just made you more charming in his eyes.

He watched as your items were scanned and placed in a plastic bag. As soon as you finished paying you had grabbed your things while stuffing your wallet back in your pocket, obviously eager to leave so you wouldn’t humiliate yourself any further.

Rushing towards the door, the guy called out to you, “Have a nice day!”

Without thinking you answered, “No thank you!” And stopped, still facing the door, blinking at what you just said.

Eyes wide, you ran out the door and Toby watched your retreating form disappear into the rain.

You had even forgot to use the umbrella you just bought.

*******************

Afterwards, he kept replaying in his head that scene of you scrambling to leave the store after fucking up your conversation with the cashier. Toby had to stifle his laughter after he had witnessed it. It definitely brightened his day, something that pretty much never happens.

He wondered if it would be easy for him to get you that flustered, to be the cause of such a cute reaction instead of that jackass guy. To tease you and flirt with you. Were you always so nervous or was what he saw just a one-time thing, maybe you had just been caught off guard? Toby wanted to find out more about you, see if you could be the source of any more entertainment.

Plus, it definitely helped that he found you easy on the eyes. He could always just admire you from afar if you weren’t doing anything particularly interesting that day.

At least that’s what he had told himself at first. A crush that’s all it was, you were just his type. If his life hadn’t turned out the way it did, he probably would’ve ended up with someone like you. But that wasn’t possible now, he would just have to settle for following you around (stalking) for a couple more days, and then he’d get these feelings out of his system. Get bored.

And he kept thinking that. A couple more days, until he gets bored.

Of course, it never ended up being just a couple more days.

By now he knew almost everything about you. At first, he followed you home so he would know where you lived and could find you easily. Then he moved on to figuring out what your basic daily schedule looked like. Nothing too complicated for someone like him. It was standard procedure when a proxy was assigned a specific target.

However, at this point he knew everything from your favorite color to your bra size.

You were anything but another victim for him to eventually hack to death.

His initial assumptions were that you’d be an intensely anxious person, from what he’d gathered from his first impression he got at the convenience store. Although that wasn’t the case. You had a much more layered personality and Toby was dying peel it back like skin to see all the tendons and viscera underneath.

Sure, you were sometimes awkward, mostly when you were put into a social situation you were not expecting or prepared for. Which admittedly, happened more often for you than the average person. You were just more on the introverted side, not necessarily shy or timid.

He’s seen you hang out with a couple close friends, and with them you acted more natural. You definitely liked to be the funny one of the group, always quick with a joke or sarcastic remark.

At one point while catching up with a friend of yours, they had asked you if “you were seeing anybody” And without skipping a beat you responded with, “As in dating or hallucinations?” Before eventually informing your friend that you were not, in fact, in any kind of relationship (much to Toby’s relief).

You had lots of interests that fascinated him. His favorite by far being your love of horror. Watching you and your friends sit down to watch a scary movie at your place, seeing how you jokingly cheer on the killer while your friend playfully rolls their eyes. And how your face lights up with fascination when a scene shows a particularly gruesome amount of gore. It almost makes him feel like you and him have something in common. But he knows liking horror movies was a far cry from being able to stomach what he does on a regular basis.

But what was with your hesitation whenever your friends brought up your family? You said they were doing fine, but clearly you were hiding something. Did you have a difficult home life? If that was the case, you and him definitely had something in common. He’d have to find out more about that eventually. But with how guarded you tended to be, even with close friends, he doubted it’d be easy information to obtain. He’d have to get closer to you.

And eventually he did. Not by outright revealing himself to you. Although the thought had crossed his mind. Romantic scenarios of him ‘accidentally’ bumping into you in the street, maybe dropping a copy of a book or movie you like, and you’d excitedly tell him it was your favorite one. What a coincidence it’s his favorite as well. But no, he wasn’t ready for that yet.

Instead, he started to sneak (break) into your home while you were gone or when he was sure you were fast asleep. The smell of you on your bedsheets when you were away was enough to make his head swim. Using your stuff, like your shower and toothbrush made him feel like he was almost your live-in boyfriend. He’d also started to take small items he thinks you wouldn’t notice go missing (maybe a few pairs of underwear). Anything that reminded him of you. Unfortunately, he did look to see if you kept a journal or diary somewhere, something that could give him an idea of what really went on in that head of yours, but came up empty.

You had a laptop, one you used religiously and was often the cause of you staying up so damn late every night (like he’s one to talk), but you had a password on it, and he wasn’t about to ask BEN for any favors.

But this unrequited love (obsession) of his was going to have change soon.

You weren’t dumb, that much Toby knew, you were beginning to notice things. You were very observant, almost to a point of paranoia, an aspect about you Toby found rather challenging. He wondered where that came from, something to do with your past maybe?

He could tell you were suspecting someone was watching you and tampering with your possessions. You started to close the blinds on your windows, double check to see if everything was locked before you left during the day. He even saw you set up little traps around your home. Using thin, almost translucent wire you had taped them across different cabinets and doors in your home while you were away, checking to see if any had been moved or broken when you returned. A trick you had picked up from one those scary movies you enjoyed so much. And if Toby hadn’t seen you do it, he probably wouldn’t have even noticed the almost invisible strings. God you were smart.

And that was the problem.

He couldn’t stop, that much was for sure. He needed you now. Needed that feeling he got when he saw you, it was like he had gained a dependency on it and he wasn’t about to quit cold turkey.

You were going to have to see him again. This time for real. No awkward stuttering. No running away before he got a chance to introduce himself.

He had decided he was going to become a part of your life now.

Permanently.