#feel free to use my name btw if u ever happened to talk to me

[gardeninthevoid]

it's incredible how much gender euphoria i get from being addressed by my chosen name. even if the person then doesn't use my preferred pronouns, the joy outweighs it. i chose this piece of my identity, it's within my control, and that's what most people know me as these days. shit rules

[woaaahh-itz-caam]

You people need to start TAKING MY WARNINGS SERIOUSLY!!! This is what happens when u let me yap!!

Anyways drops a shit ton of headcanons + random stuff and runs away :3

I actually think they fit the “fell first, fell harder” trope pretty well!! Nm’s first meeting with Error was probably just him sensing a lot of negativity from an au Error was wrecking and when bro walked in and saw that dude covered in dust and laughing like a maniac,,, yea he was into it.

Error DEFINITELY took his sweeeeeet time tho! I don’t blame him though, from his pov a random ass dude he didn’t gaf abt just randomly started stalking him and asking him to “make an alliance” with him out of the blue!! It was only when Nightmare stopped pestering him and just hanged out (crashing into error’s void ink and fresh style) that he actually started crushing <33

Very fun fact tho ERROR HAD LIKE ZERO IDEA HE WAS CRUSHING AT FIRST LMAO— Like man just thought he just REALLY liked being friend’s with Nm until he told geno and swap abt it and they just looked at him weird. Dudes had to SIT DOWN and break down the fact he MIGHT have a silly lil crush. Oh and btw error fucking crashed after that lmao

If u were to somehow manage to roll up one of Nightmare’s sleeves, UR GONNA FIND A FRIEND BRACELET!! (Blue string tied around his wrist in a very shitty and cheap looking way) 

This “”””””””bracelet”””””””” is actually Nm’s way of letting Error know shit’s going down!! I personally hc that, since error can see through the eyes of the people he strings, he could prob feel through em when people pull em n stuff!! (LIKE SPIDERS!! SPIDER ERROR REAL!!!!)

So yea whenever Nm’s in DEEP shit, he just tugs tf out of his bracelet n uses his scary dog privileges LMAOO

They learned they both speak spanish by accident actually!! Nm was prob talking shit abt someone and a random “Maldito pendejo” slipped out and Error had to DOUBLE TAKE

They soooo gossip in spanish ALL THE TIMEEEE (Nm acts like he doesn’t care but he’s a gossiper on the inside im sure of it)

Nightmare prob has a whole ass wardrobe for all of the clothes and items Error has knitted him. Hats, scarves, sweaters, gloves, tiny little dolls of his peers and himself??? u name it, he has it!!

Error meanwhile, has a special place in his string web?? nest?? Big blue scramble thing- Where he keeps all of the wrappers of all the chocolates Nm has gifted him (gay people istg smh)

Nm’s sweater (the one he wears underneath that ugly ass hoodie lmao) is AAAALLL PATCHED UP BY OUR LORD AND SAVIOR ERROR!! Whenever he sees any of the bad sanses clothes laying around with a brand new rip or hole, he’ll just snatch it and returned it fixed. He swears he does it so that “the abominations don’t look like hobos” (funny for him to say that) but they all know its cuz he cares.. a lil.. just a tiny bit..

These bitches r SOOOOO DAMN CORNY!! not in public tho. They would rather die before even daring to SMILE at each other in front of other people.

Not gonna write more cuz i feel like alladat is enough Cam Yapping™️ for u guys today. i DO have more, as these two homosexuals live rent free in my head basically all day long, but ion wanna bother y’all further

Anyways yea moral of the story do NOT let cam yap. Like ever.

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

WHAT TERRIBLE THINGS ARE YOU DOING TO MY BUG [mallrad] [i saw ur repost of nhw mal lmao]

I NEEEEED INFROMATION RN PLEASE FEEL FREE TO INFODUMP AS MUCH AS YOU WANT PLEASE

HI KOI!!!!!!!!!! sorry this has taken me forever to answer ive had a busy work week ouagh. but its MAL TIME NOW. well. technically amity time bc im gonna talk about the setting in general because i love it. whatever go my scarab!

IM GOING TO ANSWER THIS ASSUMING U KNOW WHAT NHW IS. IF YOU DONT IM SO SORRY but also the masterpost is HERE which has basically all the context u need i think.

awesome place to start is reading This Post because it basically lays out the essentials for amity in general and gives you a good idea of their whole deal (theres also this one. which is a joke. but its my favorite ever and i think you will appreciate the clarence)

since i mostly ran thru the basics of their plot timeline super quick in that post i can get into details in this one :] putting a lot of it under the cut so its not 12 miles long hehe

i really like leaving a lot of the amity stuff to be mystery partially because it will literally NEVER come up in the "canon timeline" or whatever since it all happened x number of years ago and partially because giving it an air of mystery makes it seem more myth/legend than anything concrete. which!! since its supposed to be the nhw equivalent of the spirit world i love the idea that its vague and mysterious and hard to comprehend that the Chaos Zone (colloquial name for the quarantine area around the city where they keep the trickster trapped) used to be like. a relatively peaceful idyllic city with only a small handful of capes and not a lot of action. that being said i do in fact have clam flavored brain worms which means i cannot help thinking about clarence and mal in so much detail that is SO unnecessary to the rest of the story other than serving to make what happened to them more tragic.

ANYWAY. all that being said that is my excuse for not having any solid ideas on mals trigger event. ive kind of played around with the idea that he's a case 53 (cauldron dropped him into the city mid-ghoul transformation and full of amnesia so he had. basically no identity before then and no idea where or who or what he was so he just kind of started breaking things) but honestly i havent thought abt it all that much bc its just not that important. either way. he started out as an unaffiliated rogue/villain. as ghoul, he was in his brute form like 90% of the time and behaved pretty much like a less cannibalistic venom. just kind of like. causing damage just because he can. really the ONLY two capes in amity at the time were Whisperer (clarence) and Afterlife (duck) (<< first duck mention btw!). Afterlife is a lot more apathetic to things like this (hes old. hes tired. hes survived WELL past the cape life expectancy but theres no real protocol for capes retiring because usually they just. die. so hes still here) and he really only responds to things he deems an emergency, and some rando causing property damage isnt enough to put ghoul on his radar. so that left Whisperer to deal with him. his powers are very nonviolent non-confrontational so his way of dealing with villains is to use his. basically tranquilizer powers to get them to stop doing whatever theyre doing (its a good thing amity is peaceful. this is NOT a. super great awesome offensive power and he can get very easily overwhelmed against more than one target). so he does this to Ghoul and since his he's a new cape and is not fully under control of his changer powers yet, his brute form drops as soon as hes calm and hes just. some sad disheveled looking guy.

so clarence sees this guy who is just. so incredibly lost. whether thats because of case 53 amnesia or like. post-trigger, post-changer state disorientation, hes just. like. pathetic. hes not being a villain because hes evil hes just doing things because he doesnt know what else to do. so clarence, who is way too kindhearted for his own good, offers to help him. and mal, who has probably never given this sort of softness in his life. just immediately fucking melts into it. of course he accepts that offer he has nothing else to do! he doesnt really care about being a hero or a villain or anything like that (having a morality crisis is boring and a waste of time) but this man is literally glowing and offering him a hand to hold and a purpose and something other than just mindless destruction

so mal drops the name Ghoul and gets his changer powers better under control and properly develops his master powers instead of his brute powers and becomes what essentially ends up being Whisperer's sidekick under the new name Purgatory (which. i really made on a whim at the time but now that i have had time to think about it really has a lot of significance to his character and state of mind and it makes me SICK)

mal has a sort of hero worship crush on clarence like. thats His Hero. thats the guy who picked him up off the ground and helped him stand out of the kindness of his heart and they know each other out of costume now and even in his civilian life clarence is funny and laid back and so easy to talk to and. mal is not those things. god he is so down bad. relationship wise i will point to this convo which i still stand by

but i think like. both in and out of costume theyre kind of inseparable. mal is like. suuuper super protective over clarence to the point where its kind of an intimidation factor to other people. scary dog privilege or whatever. i like to refer to it as like... if clarence was a prince mal would be his loyal knight. if mal was an animal he would be a falcon (fast, sharp, dangerous, always returns to its master etc etc etc).

its also really important to me that clarence DOES NOT see their relationship like this at all he is so. oblivious. or if hes not oblivious he just doesnt do anything about it or puts it out of his mind or whatever. i think one of clarences big flaws is that hes almost too laid back about certain things that he maybe should care about a little more? big "itll be fine" in situations where things . PROBABLY will not be fine if he doesnt do something about it. so while he doesnt really purposefully encourage mals weird hero worship with him he also doesnt really do anything to dissuade it either. so thats how we get to. where we get to. with them. ouhghhh boy.

i already talked abt this pretty in depth in the other post but trickster appears, kills clarence in front of mal, and it just BREAKS something fundamental in him. once the trickster throws him out of the city i think the prt has to drag him away kicking and screaming because theres NO way he would willingly walk away from that (ESPECIALLY because... clarence's body is still there. he never got a proper funeral or burial or anything hes just.... there on the street or on the roof of a building like hes nothing). they probably put him in some kind of custody which he inevitably breaks out of and goes out on his own. i think he tries to go back to the city only to find the walls already in place and no way to get in without fighting a LOT of soldiers and ripping through a lot of anti-cape measures. which he is emotionally willing to do, but hes not stupid. he knows he needs backup. so he seeks out the worlds most dangerous most awful notorious capes ever. and thats how he ends up with the slaughterhouse 9! his eventual goal with them is to manipulate them into helping him get back into amity and kill the trickster. which is OBVIOUSLY not how things turn out, but thats his motivation at least.

when wraith ends up in the public eye with the new haven wards and his costume is sooooo so eerily close to the whisperer, mal kind of Leaves the s9 for a bit? hes still a member and everything, he doesnt actively quit or betray them or anything bc thats like asking to get killed, but he stops travelling with them in order to. whats the nicest way i can say this. research? the wards. specifically wraith. that little unhinged piece of his mind that snapped when clarence was killed gives him this horrible idea that wraith is just.. clarence reincarnated. its probably been close to 20ish years since the amity incident at this point, so the timing even lines up close enough for him to be convinced. so that starts his weird obsession with william, which eventually involves him nominating william as a potential candidate to join the s9 in the trials (william has a Complex about this) and other fucked up things like the tide fridge (<< our loving name for when mal kidnaps tide and keeps him in jars or whatever in the spirit world in canon etc)

hes my favorite fucked up little guy!!!!!!! i hate him so much i want to hit him with hammers but also ive had a specific stained glass art piece depicting the biblical purgatory that i really want to draw as him and clarence so like. take that as you will. im obsessed with them i think abt them so much even though clarence has like no bearing on the actual plot of nhw since the whole "william is the next whisperer" thing is nonexistent. i got distracted writing this a FEW times so i maybe forgot some things so if theres anything else u want to know about them... hmu. i love 2 talk abt them so much <3

[istherewifiinhell]

okayyyy also. tagged by @joelletwo for 5 topics i could talk about for an hour with no prep.

now. two things. 1. i have infernal podcast dude energy and could say a lot about nothing. weird trait to have if u dont like talking to people? hard to say. 2. GESTURES AT BLOG. im ALREADY. talking at length abt my beloved shit. so im just ruling out turtles, alien robots, trek, etcetcetc all the shit thats been a main blog topic for the last past. 4 years?

I'm gonna say.... western voice actors? not that i could really. Give a lecture so much as. I'm way more familiar with them that than I am live action actors. And I'm kinda just CONSTANTLY like. Oh you know so and so from every cartoon youve ever fucking seen? And FEEL a real. gap. with people when they dont have a same reference point. probably like how ppl feel with me when i dont know their acting guys jhadbgjfga. Like u can name 5 VAs from ur childhood cartoons/animated movies right? And personal interest like, hey btw u know like the entire cast of tng was in disneys gargoyles? U know keith david can SING? And diego luna? Hey you know about Canadian actors who are in all the dubs and video games and yeah cheap shit? You know Scott McNeil right? You know Ian James Corlett? You know. THE IAN. of being Ian. Hello. is this thing still on?

I really like and care about the topics of education, children's rights and pedagogy? Not academically so much as, personal interest. What seeing very clearly that there was a lot of arbitrary rules that involved things like. The Government. and Systems. as a child does to a motherfucker I guess? I'm always INTERESTED in a discussion about it, is how i mean I guess. Like focuses of multiple intelligence and "applied knowledge" (and short comings there of). I mean long and short of it. Kids are full human beings and until u can grapple with that their feelings and opinions um. Actually matter. I hate you? jdhbgjhdb. And Naturally the world being good for kids has the prerequisite of it not sucking ass for adults too....

UHhhh guh. User design/civil engineering? You'll hear it from me until the day I die, crushed under the tires of a ford f1 giga truck with the LED 20million watt bulbs. PROTECTED BIKE LANES. for the love of god. I just know a lot of designers I guess and like engineering, conceptually. But like, u know that famous bridge everyone crashes into. If theres 80million warning signs and people are still crashing... maybe theres. other factors. Or you know ofc like, traffic planning, vehicle accidents, structural disasters. A lot of them are not just. Things happening. Tragedies. There's politics there. Usually a lot of Money stuff. and structural racism. The real reason your fridge is full is that there's a bunch of half empty condiment jars hiding all your forgotten left overs. And widening the roads isnt gonna do shit for traffic.

Jackass entry: Themes and motifs of anyyytthing ive watched with another person or saw, and like they also know it. I realllly like, visual theming and narrative shorthands. Anything that breaks like, maybe people in this setting dont have the same customs, but their gonna do something so you the audience can recognize it. Non literal/accurate use of colour and lighting, for mood and clarity. Breaking the physical shape and scale of things so they can appear and be readable on screen. COSTUMING COSTUMING COSTUMING. A well styled character can do soooo much for your understanding of a work, especially with large casts, and a poorly styled one can take me right out. Well. anyway. yes i love animation u all knew that.

uhhhhh Thatgamecompany/giantsquids studio. im giving myself a free space. lol technically I DO. blog about this. the music. at least. BUT beloved. games. Me and everyone else I guess. Hey speaking of u know its laura bailey and troy baker as the voices in the pathless? And you know how a lot of the games have themes of coming into being/growing/rebirth. And LOTS of environmentalism. And implied cultural world building, and wordless stories. and beautiful metaphor rich otherworldly visuals. and gameplay styles that really connect with the emotional story their going for. and ofc, the music. oh the leit motifs. well. there u go. sword of the sea when?

tagginggg. uh did anyone get @deadgrantaires or @army-of-bee-assassins yet? anyone elseeee who wants to regale me with things they knowww about. id love to know.

[swanimagines]

can you talk about meeting freddy??? so cool that u did omg!!!

Haha of course! I'm still buzzing about it 🥰

Ok so, I'll go day by day. Below read more we go:

After the opening ceremony, there was a meet & greet for Gold ticket holders (including me). At Starfury, meet & greet means we're in these large rooms with round tables, and the guests/cast come to our tables one by one and talk with us for a few minutes.

Well, after the first guest left our table (Amita, who was an angel btw 😭❤️), I changed seats at our table to sit with my friends.

Well then Freddy comes and sits right next to me. And I'm like 😳

Well, he asked how are we. I looked at my feet and noticed I left my bag next to my old chair, so I said I'm gonna get it and Freddy apologised for it for some reason?? I just said "no no it's fine".

I listened to the conversation with my other ear while fetching my bag so I could dive right back into the conversation, but I thought I heard one of my friends saying their name.

So, because Amita began with asking our names, I assumed Freddy does too.

So when I sit back down, I smile at Freddy and say "Jenni".

He leans closer and says "sorry?"

And I thought he doesn't hear me so I lean closer too and SHOUT "MY NAME IS JENNI!!!!!!!!"

He looks at me confused and I'm just thinking "why is he confused, he asked our names?? Oh his eyes are so blue..."

Then he repeated my name after me, he got it right the second time and I'm like "oh you pronounced it pretty good!" (No one who's not Finnish ever gets it, so it was really weird to hear Freddy saying it correctly 😂)

And then

He turns to others and asks for their names.......

So I had just screamed my name at his face unprompted and without anyone asking 😊

I was silent after that and don't remember what he talked about for the rest of the time of him sitting there 😭

Saturday. The day began with Photo OPs and I was nervous af. Which resulted into me looking like a potato in all my pictures and I forgot to smile with my teeth 😭 But the hug was good. He first wrapped only one arm around me and I hugged him from the side but then turned to me fully and wrapped the other arm around me too and my brains went ASDJLDÖLNHDBLDBJKDHLGFDEJNLDL. I look so dazed in that pic 😂

At the autograph table, I told him about my gift which contained a letter and two Finnish chocolate bars (Fazer) because the other is for Caroline. He told me I'm sweet for thinking about her too asdfghjkl😭

And the last thing happened on Sunday, at the second round of autographs. We got a group photo of them for free and we could get them to sign it again. So this time, I wanted to clarify that the letter may read as trauma-dumpy but I'm not trying to make him feel sad, and told him to just read it. He promised to read it, and I proceeded telling him as a short version of what the letter contains. (Him inspiring me back into photography and it helping me cope when my dad died the following summer)

He said "oh, I'm so sorry" and then "so, have you been taking photos here?" and I said "yeah" and he said "let's see them?"....

AHNSLBGDÖ_;KKÖLDSL;*ÄJOLNDÖKÄDPLÖBHNOMÖGHFRDIOIGOUHRUKBJGREKVHIUYJBGRIHBNOLGUYBIIGNHKLOSVHNIBJKLUORGVBINKLJHUOIHNKLOGBVBHNIUGPKGVBUOISDEGBHNUORSGBUOHBNUJOGLTFRDHNUGJIKOLFVHNUBIJOGFHUJNOLBTDJHBKLNUGTFJKHBMN,LTJKULH,BNGFTL 😭

(I had my camera hanging around my neck) So there we were with out heads nearly pressed together looking through my pics for about 10 seconds 😭❤️ The autograph did a flap flap flap noise in my hand while we did it, and my hand shook for a few minutes after I walked away)

That's it. But I'll meet him one more time, he'll probably bring me his therapy bill for shouting at him so kinda obliged to 🤷🏻‍♀️

(And at the closing ceremony, I got the best seat to take photos and people think I was one of the hired professional photographers there because of those + Sunday panels photos 😂 My photos are constantly shared around the internet now. Which is cool, but the less cool thing is that they go around without credits because people think I was hired there = I don't need credits)

[flailingangel]

I'm slowly beginning to understand why dream fucking stormed out of the pub after hob said they're friends (excluding the fact that he's more than a god and hob is just some guy™). Like imagine you go to a club and start hooking up with a guy.

U barely know each other and u don't even know his name but u both know you'll be there every month on that same exact day because you both have busy lives but sometimes y'all need to let your hair down and that just so happened to be the day ur both free. And then one day this guy(who's barely a friend with benefits btw) asks "so we're dating right" and the AUDACITY. Sure you like to go out of the club so you can actually hear each other talk. Sure you walk home together and get snacks and eat together. Sure maybe you even hang out at each other's houses waiting to use the shower or just having tea. Maybe he's even protected you from some street thugs that one time and you saved his ass in the end. BUT HOW DARE HE SUGGEST YOU'RE DATING?! You told him from the start this was just a hookup.

It's not like you made heart eyes whenever he would go on rants about how much he hates Shakespeare even though you love him. Nevermind the fact that you feel butterflies in your chest whenever he talks about the most mundane shit "omg they've added Fanta to the menu" "we can vape inside now!" "What will they think of next" or how you feel alive when he talks about how shit a day he's had "my girlfriend broke up with me" "you have a girlfriend?" but still wants to continue working at his shitty 9-5 job and live in his shitty shoebox apartment BC "life is rich" and "I have so much to live for".

Nevermind all that. You're just a stranger in the club and he's just some guy you're on slightly good terms with. You're not dating. You don't need intimacy thank you very much. Too messy. You live in a studio because housemates always gossip. You're single bc you love your work. You're alone because you like the privacy. You're only hooking up bc your sister mentioned it once and it intruiged you. What need do you have of a relationship? And then you miss the meeting. Not because you don't think you're friends as the guy says but because you're being held for ransom as your older sister is actually a member of parliament as are your parents. But it's your sister they want.

As you're kidnapped you have a lot of time to think about your past relationships. That one didn't work out because you were a dick. Plain and simple. You really should let her out of prison but old wounds still haven't healed. The next one was because she had started seeing that other guy. What was his name? You don't remember. The other one seemed to be going well. You courted her right, no missing son, no fights. But she still left you. Why? You can't understand. You just went to her one day and she said she couldn't keep doing this. But you brought her creations no one else could make. Showed her beauty beyond the two of you. What was it then? What did she say? You struggle to remember, to find the puzzle pieces and put them in the right place at first. But you're stuck for a while. Your parents don't come-you're an adult after all- nor do your siblings who mind their own business. Time passes ever so slowly. You come up with ways to torment your captors when you escape. Maybe kidnap the man's son so he knows what it's like. Or his husband. Maybe burn the place to the ground. Or kill them and dump their bodies in the ocean. You have the money from your work as a glass artist to buy a boat in their name. How would you get out? Would you real your thumbs to get the cuffs off? Or would you be saved by the guy from the club?

What would you say to him? You'd definitely call him a friend. You'd hang out more than once a month. You'd go shopping and get clothes. How you missed clothes. Even the feel of denim chafing your skin would be welcome right now. You'd hang out the morning after. Make breakfast. Burn it. You'd tell him he was right and you were dating. You'd tell him you were in love. Then you'd mess it up and he'd leave you. Just like all the others did. What had she said? What did you do to drive her away? You always visited her when he had time. When the work wasn't too much and he remembered the day. Sure that meant sometimes he had to miss out a date or two but you always told her. Better than how you left things with Hob. Abrupt and without warning. Then you remembered how you'd tell her. Only an hour before the date. She had made a reservation and had been looking forward to it for days. Sure you had let her know but only barely in advanced. And there was that one time you didn't even keep track of the time. Let alone the date and you'd missed a weekly date. She'd brushed it off but now you can see the resignation in her eyes as she said it was fine. And that was it wasn't it? That was the final nail in the coffin.

Not with him. Not with Hob. You'd tell him. You'd break out of this godforsaken hellhole and tell him everything. It didn't matter anymore. Fuck pride. Fuck privacy. Fuck mess and tidiness. You would tell him, the once a month hookup. You'd admit he was right and you were wrong and you loved him and you were dating. Just as soon as you got out of these cuffs.

[comfortbucky]

I asked for the doctor!bucky andd you don't have to write but I forgot to ask... He is like a really busy doctor and it surprises the female reader that he is going to do her stitches... Wanda is his assistant. He has to give you a pain numbing shot in your cut and he comforts you when you scream and writh in pain... Thanks xxx

𝗻𝘂𝗺𝗯 ⋆｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚☽˚｡⋆ ｡˚ ☁︎ ˚｡⋆｡˚ ⋆ ⋆｡˚

pairing: doctor!bucky x fem!reader

warnings: descriptions of bloody injuries, medical settings, stitches, needles

A/N: omg i’ve never written for doctor!bucky before so i’m excited hehe :) thank u for ur request! // i changed around who was administering the numbing agent and doing the stitches btw i hope u don't mind, just made more sense in my head for bucky to be able to comfort her if his hands are free!

hope u enjoy! <3 sorry if this isn't that good asjdfhaldf

Y/L/N = your last name

also let me just indulge myself and sprinkle some of my own experiences in this bc a couple months ago i literally slammed my head into a wall and cut my eyelid😃nothing bad enough to get stitches but i do have a scar💗

word count: 2k

my masterlist!

completed requests!

“Y/N! Come quick!”

Y/N was digging through her dresser for a sweater when her roommate, Darcy, called out for her. She lifted her head up and spun it without thinking, completely forgetting that her dresser was situated in the corner of her room, slamming her head into the wall.

Her ears started to ring and she bent over in laughter, her natural response to pain, as tears threatened to fall down her face.

“Y/N?” Darcy was met by silence, Y/N struggling to respond, her body overcome with laughter so hard she was inaudible. Concerned that Y/N had knocked herself out cold, Darcy peeked her head around the corner of Y/N’s doorway, to find her hurled over, a hand over her left eye, drops of crimson blood on the ground.

“Holy shit, are you okay?” Y/N lifted her head, calming down from her fit of laughter, and nodded.

“Yeah, of course, this would happen to me,” she replied chuckling, taking a tissue from Darcy to put pressure on her cut.

Carefully making her way to a mirror, Y/N grabbed her phone on the way. She stared at her reflection and slowly removed the tissue from her face to examine the extent of her injury. It was steadily bleeding, most likely a bad sign. Y/N placed her tissue back over her cut and reached for her phone and Facetimed her friend Matt, an EMT.

“Hello- What the fuck happened to you?”

“Hi Matt,” she replied, shooting him a grin through the screen. “Slammed my head against the wall, by accident.”

“I would hope so,” he sighed. “Let me guess, you’re wondering whether you should go to the ER or not?”

“You know me so well, Matty.”

“Has it stopped bleeding?” Y/N removed the tissue and felt a warm liquid trail down the side of her face.

“No.”

“Go to the ER, please.” She groaned.

If there was one place in the world she despised, it was a hospital. But Y/N knew she wouldn’t be able to convince either of her friends otherwise, and dragged her feet as she reluctantly followed Darcy to her car.

It was a normal night in the ER, which meant a fury of organized chaos. Bucky found himself needed in 6 places, all at the same time. But this was an environment that he had become accustomed to, almost finding comfort in the madness of it all. Although the ER was bustling with patients, there weren’t any injuries that were very severe, mostly just broken bones and lacerations. Simple enough to the point where Bucky felt like he was operating on autopilot mode. Going through the motions of whatever task he needed to do, but not anything more than that. He felt numb. For the last several years of his life, the hospital was all that he knew. Bucky kept himself busy with work, leaving him with only a small social circle and his cat, Alpine. It was enough for him, but he never really felt complete. Which is why he threw himself into his work, drowning out his inner thoughts about a missing piece he never thought he’d find.

“Dr. Barnes, paging Dr. Barnes to bed 25.”

Bucky took a quick sip of his coffee and sighed before heading off to see his next patient. Wanda appeared from around the corner and started walking with him.

“This one’s a simple laceration, just might need stitches.” Bucky nodded in response to her, keeping his eyes straight ahead.

She was one of the select few who he considered a friend. Which was a little odd considering he was an attending and she was only a resident. But she was a good student, a fast learner, and one of the only residents he was ever willing to work with. He took her under his wing, fostering a friendship by spending time together in his office, reviewing various medical cases and files.

“Alright, you up to do them?”

Wanda came to a halt, Bucky taking a couple steps before looking back at her, tilting his head, waiting for a response.

“Y-Yeah, yes!” She stammered. “T-thank you, Dr. Barnes.” He nodded his head and turned back around to continue walking, Wanda close behind.

Y/N was sat on the edge of the bed, one hand holding a blood-soaked tissue over her left eye. Her leg was bouncing, a nervous tic she had developed from a young age. The adrenaline had worn off, forcing her to feel a throbbing pain, her eyes brimming with tears. She avoided crying in front of people whenever possible, so as soon as Darcy left to grab some coffee and snacks from the cafeteria, she let the floodgates open. The sound of footsteps approaching made her freeze and she used her sleeves to sloppily wipe away the tears that were streaming down her face.

“Ms. Y/L/N?”

A firm, but somehow also gentle, voice called out to her before the curtain was pulled open to reveal a tall man with dark brown hair, a stubbly beard, and stunningly blue eyes standing next to a woman with blazing red hair and contrasting green eyes. Y/N’s gaze was immediately fixated on the man’s eyes, unable to look away for a moment, before she realized she was staring. She quickly looked down and cleared her throat.

“Y/N, you can just call me Y/N.”

The man nodded and set down his clipboard at the end of the bed before speaking.

“I’m Dr. Barnes and this is Dr. Maximoff.” The woman gave a slight wave as she began charting on a computer. “Can I take a look at your eye?”

Y/N nodded, feeling her anxiety rise as the doctor pulled some gloves on and approached her.

He pulled over a stool to sit on and carefully removed the tissue that Y/N had been holding in place to assess the injury. While Bucky looked at her cut, he stole a glance to study the rest of her face. He couldn't help but take note of the pained look on her face, her eyes still watery and her button nose red from crying. It was the first time in a long time that he felt a twinge of pain while looking at someone's injury, that he felt practically anything at all during a shift. She felt his warm breaths on her face for a moment before he pulled away and replaced her bloody tissue with some gauze.

“Do you mind if she takes a look as well?” Y/N nodded again. Bucky got up from the stool, allowing Wanda to take his spot and assess her eye.

“So it looks like you just need 2 or 3 stitches, very simple procedure.”

Y/N felt her entire body tense up at Wanda's conclusion. She could barely stand sitting in a hospital bed alone and now she was about to get poked and prodded with needles. Bucky noticed and attempted to ease her worries.

"We'll administer a numbing agent, so you won't feel any pain, just pressure at the site."

She looked up at Bucky, who had a kind, tired expression on his face. It looked like he was having a long night and she didn't want to make his job any more difficult than it probably already was. Y/N gave him a small nod and Wanda started to gather the necessary supplies.

She laid back in bed with Wanda and Bucky sitting next to each other on her left. Her hands were folded on her stomach, eyes shut.

"You're gonna feel a slight pinch, okay?" She nodded and bit her lip to try and distract herself.

Wanda proceeded to administer the numbing shot and Y/N squeezed her hands tight, whimpering in pain. Bucky observed the pained expression on her face and placed a hand on her forearm, reflexively rubbing his thumb in small circles. When Wanda pulled the needle out, Y/N slowly fluttered her eyes open and was greeted by Bucky's warm smile. A blush crept to her cheeks and she turned her attention to the ceiling. Immediately, Bucky realized how unprofessional his action was and removed his hand. He had no idea what had come over him, but he'd never felt so drawn to someone like this before.

"Now I'm going to do the stitches, okay? You should just feel a slight pressure." Just as before, Y/N shut her eyes after Wanda spoke and gripped her hands tight. She felt the pressure that Wanda was talking about and couldn't help but squirm at the feeling. Another wave of anxiety rushed over her and she felt herself start to hyperventilate.

Wanda removed the needle and quickly turned to Bucky, a panicked look on her face. He gave her a reassuring look before speaking softly.

"Y/N? Do you think you could hold still for just a little longer?" She opened her eyes, brimming with tears.

"Sorry, I just, I hate needles." Y/N fiddled with her hands as she kept her gaze up, trying to avoid the tears from escaping. Bucky felt his heart sink in his chest at the sight.

"What do you think would help you relax?"

Thoughts ran through her head as she tried to find a solution to relieve her anxiety. Y/N thought back to when she was young and chuckled, remembering a stuffed whale that she got at an aquarium, that went everywhere with her.

"This is stupid but, when I was a kid, I would carry around this stuffed animal around and it helped to hold it whenever I had to get shots."

Bucky thought for a moment and ran a hand through his hair, wondering if he was going to regret the words about to leave his mouth.

"You could hold my hand."

Y/N and Wanda both looked at him with surprised expressions, regret instantly hitting him.

"If you're comfortable with it," he quickly clarified. Y/N felt the corner of her mouth curve into a smile as she nodded.

She laid back down and Bucky took her hand in his. The instant transfer of heat soothed Y/N and she shut her eyes to allow Wanda to get to work.

When she felt the pressure on her eye again, her hand automatically gripped Bucky's tighter, and he squeezed it back to help calm her. Y/N focused on the callousness of his hands, how his hand seemed to fit into hers perfectly. Suddenly, she was thinking about his eyes again, those glimmering blue eyes. Blue was always a calming color for her, reminiscent of her trip to the aquarium where she got her beloved stuffed whale. As she felt Bucky's thumb gently rub the top of her hand, she realized that her whale could never provide as much comfort as he did.

Bucky felt a sense of pride as he watched the tension in Y/N's face disappear. Suddenly, he found his eyes wandering, looking at the loose strands of hair on the right side of her face, the rosiness of her cheeks, how she glowed. His heart started to palpate and Bucky realized a flame had kindled inside him. He was feeling again.

"All done!" Wanda chirped, stepping aside to let Bucky check her work. He smiled at her patted her on the back with his free hand.

"You did good." Wanda beamed and thanked him, walking away to complete her charting.

Y/N's eyes fluttered open, still feeling the warmth of Bucky's hand in hers. He greeted her with a tender smile and slowly helped her up, placing his other hand on the small of her back.

"See? Wasn't that bad after all," he grinned, releasing her hand. Y/N's smile faltered, missing his touch, and nodded.

"Thank you, Dr. Barnes."

"Bucky," he stated. She raised an eyebrow. "Call me Bucky."

The pair stared at each other in silence, enjoying each other's presence before the PA system snapped them both out of their trance.

"Dr. Barnes, paging Dr. Barnes to bed 16."

Bucky sighed, slowly getting up from his seat.

"Well, it was a pleasure meeting you, Y/N."

"You too, Bucky."

He turned around and was about to pull the curtain open when he paused, turning back around to face Y/N, scratching the back of his head. It took one look at her face and Bucky knew he didn't want to let her go just yet.

"Would you like to get coffee sometime?" She beamed up at him and Bucky felt his knees go weak.

"I would like that very much." He chuckled in disbelief and smiled.

Bucky had finally found his missing piece.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey i really love your blog!!! I just plucked the courage to actually send u an ask fhdjhd but GOSH i love your video edits and your gifs and your meta article posts, you're so articulate and you can explain/describe moments in a way that makes me go "oh wow, i cant believe i haven't seen it that way before!!" Haha ANYWAYS i'm just here to say that i completely agree with what all u said, Free creators might do a lil fanservice here and there for the 25 ships that exists within the fandom's circle, but rinharu's storyline is clearly the most romantic one! And i'd argue it's the one closest to being canon esp after part 1, i mean the fact that they put such an explosive emotional outburst right at the end of the second to the last movie means a lot. It's like reinforcing the fact that this series has always been about them, and everything that has happened only happened either because they met or they grew appart and miss eachother. I kinda feel like maybe.. juust maayyybe there's a chance KA wants to make the ship canon, since it's the last movie and they want to end it on a highnote maybe (bcs honestly i think the only reason they've been holding back is purely bcs of the merch sales, since they don't have a problem showing a wholesome lesbian love story in kobayashi maid dragon) butt i could be wrong, maybe i'm just overly optimistic and delusional, they could somehow ruin it and give an ending that panders to all the ships again 😅🥲, but at least there's a clear-cut guarantee that part 2 would dedicate a large portion of it fixing rin and haru's fight!!! Oohh how can i wait another 6 months now!!😭😭 (sorry for the long ask btw!! 🙏🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️)

OMG thank you so so much!! For watching my vids too! ❤️❤️❤️ It really means a lot to me! Ahhhh wow, thats the longest ask I've ever recieved! 😍 I'm trying to explain myself so hard lol I'm glad its appreciated, bc sometimes I'm like "I don't fucking know how to say this" xD

Well, you know me, I only care for one ship, which is the only one with confirmed info that they're both actually gay and have mutual feelings for each other. There are some other ships in free! I'm fine with (those do not include Rin or Haru in them xD), but I just mostly don't care, bc after reading all the stuff, you can see that in some of those to one the other one is actually like his second option, which I just do not like. Others I just don't even see, bc again to me who witnessed great close male friendships and having two sisters who I'm very close to, I just do not see anything romantic in that.

It's not just Free! tbh, it's like any sports anime these days. They see two guys walking together, it's a ship. And like no one cares if they're just bros. Like I'd get i they did some fanservice fanservice, but like I never saw anyone in Free! crossing the line the way rinharu do. I can without thinking much name you 10 rh moments that no matter how hard you think can't be explain as being bros, but can't name one when it comes to others. I just find some ppl shipping everyone with everyone weird sometimes. It's like western fans see like some eastern actors or singers slap each other ass lovingly and they're like "oh they're fucking" I'm like "yeah, ofc all 500 of them, you're absolutely right". And Free! doesn't do anything even like that, I just do not get sometimes like what moment even brought on some ships. I'm genuinely confused. Albert and Haru? You fucking fell from a sakura tree or smth? I'm...

I'm especially confused when it comes to guys, whose character type is who I call "I only want this one and if I can't have it, then I'm ok" xD. It just always surprised me, when they try to pair up them with someone else, it's like a complete ooc.

I'm also not into this whole "well, if there are gays in this anime, than everyone there is gay". I'm like... huh. It's like with KNB and MDZS I had same feeling. It's like you have already couples there who are canon/borderline canon, why do you need another 10 who don't even interact or just don't even go there? I'm always so confused in those situations. Or like wangxian is married and some are like "no, I actually don't like it, let me write a fic when they're with other ppl". Lan Zhan... being in love or having sex with someone else? Yeah, that's not Lan Zhan, dude, you're writing about someone else. Might as well change the name at this point.

But last time I went to twitter someone had a thread about how if they make s4 of Free! they should mainly explore there Momo's angst (and no, it wasn't a joke), so I'm already like, I'm just.. nothing will surprise me no more. But I'm forever gonna be confused.

Yeah, I eel you about "going there". I mean seeing part of it, it just kinda cemented my confusion, bc I do not get how it can be considered platonic. We were just discussing since yesterday with @freeseafirefly how I now even more perplexed and do not understand how they will resolve it without going into relationship territory. It's just our point here is that like... no one forced them to go there (I mean its not like this whole fandom has some wild expectations or anything already), we were waiting or our usual friendship and swimming and maybe tiny conflict about struggles of pro-careers and some usual rh implications (maybe all the rh gay in dramas as always). Not some pure fanfiction coming to life here haha.

Like why I'm laughing is bc I twice used in my "fics" bringing up him leaving Haru as a force to push the confession, bc there's no way if he adresses this it won't lead to this. And now we not only have this (bc Haru just basically layed it out there), but an actual scene of him playing on their feelings for each other and a literal image of Rin leaving and "taking Haru's heart with him" to the point when he's for the first time in his life openly crying on the ground. And it's not like this scene can be interpreted as anything else, the whole fandom talks same, bc the whole fight was just about them, what Haru said was just about them, there's a literal boom of his heart getting out of his chest, before he falls and now he's heartless.

So our question is like... why go there?

It's like some say that they might still resolve it with "they're special to each other" and swimming, but still like we already knew that, there was no reason to go that far is what I'm saying. And to think that it was planned since forever giving the clues is like... ???

The whole spoon theme also throw me on the loop because like, lets be honest, it's wedding themed. And that part of the interview about part 2 there also made me go...?????? Because I mean, huh?

This is just all in all very interesting turn of events to say the least. I do not see the point of all of this if its not what I think it is, esp after seeing tweets like "even I see a rh wedding and I'm mh T_T". It's just all very unsubtle, that's why we're confused.

Like who knows, maybe we'll really by some magic turn of events get lucky and they really decided that since its the ending, it's okay to go for it. But I also don't wanna to hype myself much, I'm already really happy with it, just bc again, this scene already proves all of my points.

And yeah, I'm sure they'll pander to everyone, bc it's the end and etc and we have to handle everything on the good note and there's a whole line of ppl who's obsessed with us, esp with Haru xD, but like bromance pandering and romance pandering are different things, you know *wiggles eyebrows* and u know who always gets the second one.

[akatsuki-shin]

I... I don’t often call out anyone specifically using social media before, but... I saw this among the reblogs in my first post about MXTX novels English release announcement and I feel that this is just too much...

I’m not going to tag this with the fandom tags because this is literally just my personal rant, and I don’t want unpleasant things to appear when people are happily browsing the tags.

I also censored the person’s blog name. It’s not like I want people to mass attack them.

But I do have some things I want to say about this kind of mindset.

And this is gonna be a long post, so I’ll cut it with "Read More” later below as not to disturb anyone’s browsing experience.

Why do they have to split the books into multiple volumes?

First, you do realize that the original Chinese version and other languages versions are also in multiple volumes that don’t always be published on the same date, right?

SVSSS has 3 volumes, MDZS has 4 volumes, TGCF has 5 volumes.

With the English release, both SVSSS and MDZS get +1 volume while TGCF gets +3 volumes.

Why you ask?

Have you ever considered how long a single Chinese word would be if written in alphabets?

The word “人” in Chinese only needs 1 (one) character, while in English it would translate to “P E O P L E” = 5 (five) characters.

The word “知己” in Chinese only needs 2 (two) characters, while in English it would translate to “C O N F I D A N T E” = 10 characters, or “S O U L M A T E” = 8 characters.

Now apply this to an entire novel. FYI, TGCF has more than 1 million word count in Chinese, so you can do the math by yourself.

I mean, just go watch the donghua or live action in YouTube. One single sentence in the Chinese sub is often translated to two or more lines in the English subtitle.

And have I mentioned that the English release will have:

Glossary

Footnotes

Character Guides

And I’m going to repeat this once again: In China and other countries that already get their official releases, it is also NOT always all released on the same date as a single set/box.

So yes, (not) surprise! For the Chinese release and official releases in other countries, you also often need to purchase multiple times, pay shipping fee multiple times, and wait for certain period of times until all volumes are released.

It doesn’t only happen to MXTX novels, it happens to almost all novels, be it danmei or not.

Why don’t they just wait for translations to finish and release it all at the same time/as a box set? Why the span of two years?

On my part, I already say above that in China and other countries that already get their official release, it’s also not always published all on the same date.

Other than that, I’m not an expert at book publishing, much less when the publisher is not from my own country. But maybe consider the following:

They’re releasing 3 (three) hugely popular IPs all at the same time. Maybe the preparations take more time and effort to ensure everything is flawless?

Since it is very rare (or maybe never, cmiiw) for danmei novels to be published in English, maybe the publisher is testing the market first? Because if they already release them as a huge bundle from the start and it somehow flops, the loss would be very big. If it works well, then good! Maybe for future danmei release, they will consider making a box set or releasing them within shorter timeframe. 

In terms of marketing, if they wait another 2 years to release it all at once, will the momentum still be there? You can say “so in the end it’s all about money”, but if not sales number and money, what else should the publisher expect to receive for their work? They’re already putting a lot of effort buying all three IPs from the Chinese publishers, proofread or even translate some from scratch, pay translators, editors, illustrators, printing companies, etc. If it’s not selling well simply because they release it at the wrong time, aren’t all these efforts going to be wasted? And you can bet there will be no more danmei published in English if their first try already flops merely because of losing the momentum.

Are there any other rules or regulations they need to comply that prevents them from releasing everything in one go? But once again, even in China and other countries, it is also not always all released in one go, so this argument is already invalid from the start.

But they make it so expensive like this!

I’m sorry to break it to you, but I’ve compared the prices to MDZS Japanese release + TGCF Thai release and... The price isn’t really that much different.

Btw, I’m using Google’s currency converter, in case anyone wants to know where does my calculation comes from.

Okay, so here’s MDZS Japanese version from CD Japan:

One volume of MDZS Regular ver. cost 1760 yen. This is 15,96 USD before shipping. There’s only like $4 difference.

There’s also the Exclusive ver. that cost 3660 yen (32,92 USD) but we’re not gonna talk about that because they’re basically making you pay for the bonus, which is some acrylic panels and illustration cards.

Now here’s TGCF Thai version from Sense Book:

Translation using Google Chrome page translate:

One volume of TGCF costs 360 baht. This is 10.77 USD before shipping. So there’s about $9.22 difference.

Again, notice the difference of word/sentence length in the Thai words and English alphabet.

"But there’s still difference in price and other releases usually gets merchandise!” - Correct me if I’m wrong, but the US is probably one of the most expensive countries in the world. Do you think the materials, printings, and manpower cost is the same with other countries? Especially compared to one in Southeast Asia.

“But it’s xxxx times more expensive than the original Chinese version!” - Excuse me, the original Chinese version doesn’t need to pay for translators, proofreaders and editors with multilingual skills, and purchase the IPs? If you think it’s more worth buying the Chinese version, then by all means go ahead.

------------

Some last words...

I’m not looking down on those in difficult financial situation, but hey, I’m not filthy rich either? I come from a third world country and even if I’m a working adult, I’m still in working middle class + I got my parents to take care of. My country’s currency is literally just a tiny 0.000069 USD per 1 Indonesian Rupiah.

Every single fandom merchandise that you see me bought, either I’ve saved up for that or I sacrificed other things to buy that. I just don’t show the struggle to you guys because why should I? I’m just here to have fun about the fandom I love, not to flex my struggling financial condition.

These official English release of MXTX novels? All 17 books are going to cost me almost HALF of my monthly salary. But hey, I think it’s a good thing that they didn’t release it all at once, so that I can save up between months to purchase them all and plan my spending better.

If you feel the price is expensive, especially if you have to ship from outside North America, consider the following:

Book Depository provide free worldwide shipping

The books’ ISBN numbers are all available in the publisher’s website, just show it to you local bookstore and ask if they can order it for you

Plus, there are already hundreds of generous fans doing free giveaways in Twitter, even the publishers are helping to signal boost this. You can go and try your luck if you’re really desperate.

Lastly, I know how much love we all have for our favorite fandoms, but remember that fandom merchandise is NOT your primary needs.

You are NOT obliged to purchase any fandom merchandise if you can’t afford it and you should ALWAYS prioritize your primary needs.

Also, if you still want to read the fan-translations that are still available, alright go ahead. But remember that the translators themselves already said fan translations in English are now illegal. You can read it. We all consume pirated contents at one point. But don’t flex about it and diss the official release just because you can’t afford it.

I don’t know if the person who made that reblog tags are going to come at me or not, but even if they do, I literally don’t care. I’m not gonna waste my time arguing with someone with that kind of mindset and will block them right on the spot.

Also Idgaf if they call me out or talk behind my back, I literally don’t know them, so I don’t care.

End of rant.

[thisdreamplace]

ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

[spicynamericano]

guide you home. - rj huang

prompt: after skipping last year's tradition due to a complicated breakup, you vow yourself you aren't missing the eta aquarids this year. ecstatic as ever, everything goes as planned until you see a familiar figure at your usual camping spot—renjun huang, your ex.

genre: angst, fluff, exes to lovers!au, renjun x reader, jaemin x reader, slight mark x reader's friend, etc.

prologue word count: 700+

a/n: this is an ongoing socmed au on twitter written in eng/fil but i also feel like writing this in full english since most of my narrations are written that way! i'll probably be posting this once i finish my socmed au! i'm posting the prologue below so you can have a glimpse of the story! ;)

btw if you wanna read the ongoing socmed version in taglish, you can find it here.

One year ago:

You never celebrated your birthdays grandly. But somehow, Renjun managed to convince you. It’s your 20th birthday, after all. It’s something worth celebrating, even if it means missing this month’s meteor shower.

On nights like this, you’d rather join your hike team and go stargazing. And it just so happens that the Eta Aquarids meteor shower peaks on the night of your birthday, May 5th. It has been a tradition you started at fifteen, after your dad left to work for NASA the year before. Feeling lonely without your father’s presence, he promised that you could join his group’s stargazing events if you wanted to. Of course, you definitely agreed. Just staring under the same sky with him even if they’re miles apart is a moment you’ll always treasure dearly.

A beach party, wow.

You had quite a number of visitors. Well, your father came home just this morning to surprise his loving daughter. Big names from science and tech companies are here, congratulating your dad for the work he’s contributed over the last six years. Of course, everyone would want to hear his experiences firsthand.

Standing by his side proudly, you can’t help but look for Renjun in the crowd.

I guess he’s entertaining the guests?

You look down on the ground, playing with the sand on your feet. Your sandals were stuck underneath and you're trying to get them out discreetly, trying not to distract your father’s guests.

You receive a text from Renjun.

renjun: love, i have a surprise for u ;)

you: huh?

you: where are you?

you: i can't see you

renjun: i prepared something

renjun: already texted ur dad if i could spend time with u for a bit

The lines on your forehead increased as your glared at your smirking father.

“Go. Renjun’s waiting,” he says, letting out a chuckle.

You excused yourself from the guests surrounding you and dashed off to the location Renjun sent you. From afar, your figure shrinks and the smile on your father’s face starts to disappear.

“I just hope she’s okay.”

you: im here. where are you

renjun: there's someone waiting for u inside the car

you: huh? who?

renjun: you'll find out

renjun: i'm still at the cafe, i'm getting some drinks for us

you: i'll just get in the car??

you: if something happens to me istg 😃🔪

renjun: don't worry, love. you'll be fine :)

From a nearby cafe, Renjun bought three drinks. He knows you aren't the type to hold your liquor so getting your favorite matcha drink is a must.

I guess this is okay, he thinks to himself. This is enough to sober us up.

They had quite a few drinks at your beach party. He wasn’t expecting the cocktails to hit that much but it apparently did. He was also quite happy with how the party turned out since he’s never seen you with the biggest smile across your face. He knew how much your dad meant to you and convincing him to come home was quite a struggle. But still, he managed to pull through.

There’s still one more surprise though. I hope she likes it.

But she didn’t.

Renjun was almost nearing the parking lot when you bumped into him—smudged makeup on your face and your hair disheveled. He manages to hold you by the shoulders as you cry heavily on his chest, wanting to get out of his embrace.

“Love, what happened? Why are you crying?” Your purse your lips and wipe the tears from your swollen face.

You break free from his arms and run once again, but Renjun grips your right wrist tightly before you gets away.

“(Y/N). What happened?” Renjun asks, utterly confused with how the events turned out.

“Renjun, stop. Please.”

“Love, tell me—”

“FUCK! Can you please stop? Don't add to my frustration anymore!”

“But (Y/N)…”

“Leave me the fuck alone!”

You finally break away from his embrace, running away as fast as you could. He is left on the side of the road, with three spilled drinks beside him.

One hour later, he texts you.

renjun: (y/n)

you: what?

renjun: can we talk?

you: no

renjun: (y/n), please.

you: i said NO.

you: can't you understand that?

you: NO. FUCKING NO.

renjun: (y/n)...

you: you know, don't contact me ever again

you: please

you: leave me alone

renjun: (y/n), i'm sorry

you: but you are not forgiven

you: so get the fuck out of my life

bonus: kayak scene. read it after this prompt.

[cwtchhawk]

Talking about ep.10 before it’s out

Alright, ep. 10 is out in two days and i’m loosing my mind. The official account have posted some frames (I don’t really know how they are called sorry for that!) and I just wanted to make a little analysis 

[Disclaimer: English is not my mother tongue and I can make awful mistakes, don’t doubt to point those out to me :)]

So, here we have our favourite witty boy!! I’ve gone mad seeing again all the episodes to make sure this wasn’t a clip already posted, but I’m confident enough to say this is definitly ep. 10! On my personal opinion, I think that because of the blurry background he is in the middle of a beef, probably the one with Snake (if I’m not wrong, as Shadow, Harry [btw who on earth is this man??], Snow, Joe, Cherry and Adam have already compete, these two are the only ones left) What’s clear is that Miya looks terrified, I can’t say if it is because some weird movement from Snake or beacuse of... Adam (from his reaction after he saw Snake in “S” I can’t help feeling that these two are having a beef at any moment, so maybe Adam gets so angry that he jumps into Miya and Snake’s beef and I dunno, does something dangerous).

Keeping on, we have some images from young Adam and Tadashi that were shown in ep.8. I guess that, as many of you have already pointed out, we are gonna see more about their relationship. 

Now is when things start to go highly hypothetical (as if thy weren’t yet...), because the next image is: SUNSHINE BOY!

Now, from my perspective, I can tell he is looking down. this may be an stupid observation, but I really feel that someone as bubbly as Reki would be always looking up, not down. However, as so many people have realised, he has his bandana back which make us all super happy! I really hope that this means  that he and Langa make up in this ep. Like... this is one of the last scenes, where Reki goes out to meet Langa as usual... Anyways, I don’t want to get exited about something that may no happen :)

A few people have also mentioned that this is an old frame from ep.7, but, and I have tried to watch it meticulousl,  it is never shown. There is this frame that looks similiar though. It appears seconds before reki’s mum calls him to get his bentou. 

Also, maybe it is me but I feel that the colours are poorer, like, darker. Maybe is the effect of the sky, maybe is the fact that the door is open and the sunlight causes more shadows, maybe is and indicator that Reki is still off or maybe it’s just me overanalysing a clip :) [however if you compare both images, Reki’s hair is darker and so is the bright green of the backpack]

Now! One of the most intriguing images I’ve ever seen it’s the next one, which runs free in my mind the hole time. 

I’m gona say it. What the actual f*ck. 

I don’t understand. That is definitely Reki’s arm. But WHERE IS HE?!? WHERE?!! Ar first I thoght that the wine-coloured background (okay I have no idea what colour it is, I would say is wine but honestly I dont’ know if there is a more specific name) could be at “S” in a moment that is illuminated with colourful light but I see quite unlikely that Reki would come back to S just an episode after he quitted and in his school uniform. The fact that he is wearing the uniform seems important to me. I have revised the backgrounds and no one has that super smoothy background, you can’t tell the texture, is that a floor? a wall?. However, I think that it’s at night (all the colours have a cold subtone) and there is some weird light up in the left corner. I think it comes from somewhere in the back and it’s higher than Reki. 

I can’t come up with anything solid enough to justify why Reki is in an unkonown place at night and with his uniform (u can tell it bothers me a lot). I have a few options in mind but they are pretty... let’s say poor: 

1) Dope Sketch

Dope Skecht has vibrant colours and maybe with the right light and the right time the walls can get... emm closer to a wine colour? The workshop doesn’t look like an option neither, but both places have more or less smooth walls, hehehe

I don’t know, Langa could go to Dope Sketch, find Reki there and well, have a talk? But I don’t see the wine colour anywhere

2) Skateparks 

Even though the floor is a bright orange, in the clip they posted as a premise of ep. 10 seems to me a bit darker (or maybe it’s just me that wants to see stuff where there is none) Also, there is this big spotlight that could explain the light in the left of the picture (?) and we can’t forget that IT appears in the premise so it MIGHT be related to this (or at all).  There is a different skate park (the one where Langa is) which walls also look pretty smooth, but they are concrete and I wouldn’t use a warm colour as wine to create shadow in that material. 

3) Hospital 

Okay, this is one is pure fantasy because the walls clearly have a greeenish/blueish subtone, but maybe a hospital room has another colours??? I don’t know, the more I look the first picture, the more cofused I get. It looks so smoothy that I hardly believe it could be a wall!! I came up with the hospital idea because Miya could ended there if he has a beef with Snake and Adam takes part of it  (which is something that I DON’T wish to happen, but it would definitely make Reki angry)

4) Joe’s restaurant 

Joe’s restaurant is fully wood but who knows maybe he has wine wallpaper in the bathrooms I don’t know I’m desperate. Since Joe has been a role model to Reki he could go to this place to talk to him (maybe after Langa’s talk??)

5) S

(okay, just look how Reki is hugging Miya...  Just... give me a second)

Before I’ve said that it seems very unlikely to me that Reki would go in his school uniform to S, but it is true that in ep.4, when Adam makes his first appearance in the crowds, everything has this kind of purple/wine coloured light.  It doesn’t explain the smoothenes of the background but you know, it’s a possibility. 

6) This one freaks me out but... Adam’s house 

i CAN’T explain how, but look at the background, look at the bakground and tell me that the colour of the corridor doesn’t match the one of the other shoot. Look at me and tell me that the courtains, if they where closed (I dont know if that is the correct verb) wouldn’t look like the background we are looking for. 

Now, how does Reki end up in Adam’s office??? Ha, no idea. 

And that is all I wanted to say. I know I  have rambled too much and get obsessed with stuff that may not be as important as I think, but Reki being in what looks like an unknown location when there is only three episodes left gives me creeps. 

I would love to hear your theoris though! Keep in mind I basically made up all of this and just tried to convince myself of it!

Again, apologies for my english :)

[springday-aus]

Hockey Player!AU with Mark

moodboard link

Group: NCT

Member: Mark Lee 

Genre: fluff, romance 

Additionally: college!au

Type: Bulletpoint AU

Word Count: approx. 2.3k 

→ Inspired by NCT U’s 90s Love! 

I’m gonna be completely honest: I don’t know shit about hockey so apologizes in advance

Mark is a left-winger for the team

he plays for his university’s team and they’re actually pretty good

within the three-ish years that he’s been on the team, they’ve won a couple of championships

it’s not really hard considering that Mark takes everything too seriously

(at least that’s what Donghyuk says during practice all the time)

Johnny somewhere: “okay Mark”

Yuta: “let’s not overreact Mark”

Taeyong: “leave my son alone”

Mark: “I’m a grown adult…”

Taeyong: “shhh”

since he used to play for his team back in hometown, he naturally joined the university’s team

he was a natural and everyone easily took a liking to him

especially since now they have someone to make fun of constantly

by they, I literally mean just Donghyuk

I’m just kidding—it’s all in good fun because it just shows how close they are

Mark is just that one college kid that’s still cute even when he’s not a freshman anymore

the other team members still treat him like the youngest even though YangYang and Sungchan are like

👁👄👁 hello ?

speaking of which, their teamwork is incredible and it shows through their games

and, on the rare occasions that they don’t win, they still have dinner together afterwards

well, it’s less of dinner and more of drinks and strategizing what went wrong—which are kind of depressing but it’s fine

at least that’s what Sicheng says as captain, but it sounds like denial

anyways, even though Ten is the co-captain, they all work to make their play plan together

they all contribute ideas, especially since they’ve been in the positions they’ve been in for, like, ever

anyways

again, Mark is like really good

so you know he got that bombass scholarship

and that’s what really pushes him to do well bc let’s be real, college is e x p e n s i v e

he also likes ice skating in general because the cold reminds him of home

so he’s one of those hockey players that also likes figures skaters and it’s funny because he gets so many weird looks from the others

(altho, Jeno goes with him sometimes bc he’s nice)

back to what I was saying tho: Mark is really good

despite his personality, he’s a bit more aggressive on the ice—considering he’s a forward

Donghyuk, the right-winger: he makes sense

there’s the passive aggressive-ness

Mark? who knew he had some strength to him when it’s actually applied

seriously, have you seen his thighs?

speaking of which, the team serves a lot of looks

which means a lot of speculators that show up to the games

which means lots of fans

people typically come for the looks, but then stay for the games bc the team is very underrated

they actually win games and everything but like

advertising for the team? nonexistent

@stupid college funding distributions that focus on mediocre sports like football

so, where do you fall into the mix? you’re an og stan

you’ve been in the stands since you entered university

it didn’t even have anything to do with the members (altho, it is nice to have some eye-candy)

you just……… like hockey

even if you don’t understand much about it

it’s just… interesting to watch

so, whenever the season rolls around, you go to the games

but to say over the years that you didn’t develop a particular attachment to our boy Mark…… is an absolute lie

so, do you have a crush on Mark?

yes

but also like

who doesn’t have a crush on Mark

this man is literally so talented and nice and adorable and he just makes you want to take care of him all the time and ugh

one of your friends went to a game with you and literally was just like “oh he’s cute”

You: “we know”

he’s def one of those guys who everyone has or has had a crush on at some point

and you are no different

the thing is that you are fine with not ever confessing because you’re happy with just being on the sidelines because you’ve. literally. just been on the sidelines…

the idea of confessing feels ridiculous bc realistically, what would you mean to some guy that literally e v e r y person has a crush on?

the thing is though is that Mark knows you

at least, he knows of your presence

if he didn’t, it would be embarrassing considering that you come to every game - he’s got loyalty unless some people

Ten: “who?”

Mark: “dude”

Donghyuk: “is this another one of your imaginary friends?”

Mark: “I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE”

jkjk , they all kind of know you, considering you’re one of the more consistent faces since they’ve been playing in these games (primarily the home ones bc free tickets for students but still)

you also don’t paint your face or anything—you just show up in your university sweatshirt with a couple of those foam light up sticks or something

again, not that wild like signs with his face or anything

you’re just…. a spectator

but yeah, Mark knows of you as a loyal fan ?

who also is kind of cute when you’re cheering for them

I want to emphasize that you have gone to, like, nearly every game, but the main ones you’ve *always* have gone to are the home games bc they’re more convenient

or the final games bc hello

they’re the finals, why the fuck would you miss the finals

I emphasize this because, when you’ve suddenly gone down with the flu, you literally cannot make it to the finals championship game

you thought: no one was gonna notice your absence anyways

haha, you thought

anyways

your friends figured you were sick from the beginning and were like, my friend, it’s flu season, stay away from me and pls stay at home

(wash your hands kids, it’s still covid season)

so you didn’t go and stayed in and binged watched iCarly or something

meanwhile, during the game, Mark was like

where... where are you???

so homeboy is highkey distracted and lowkey worried bc did you die???

(you were dying bc of your clogged nostrils, but otherwise, no)

they somehow managed to win by a couple of points so it was kind of fine

but the teasing was increased by all of Mark’s friends

i.e. Johnny, Donghyuk, Jaehyun, and everyone else

come on, it’s so easy to make fun of him

but like he doesn’t care about any of it bc he was worried about you

which got him thinking

why is he worried about someone whose name he doesn’t even know? is there something more? why is there something more? he literally doesn’t know you? except that you come to the games and you’re really cute cheering him on? what is this?

you know, ✨just Mark things✨

this bothered him for quite a bit more than he liked to admit

and it’s about a couple of days later

things are normal and you don’t feel like everything is dripping out of your nose

until you’re walking through campus from your class

and there’s some footsteps running from behind you that makes you coil up into a semi-standing ball bc you thought a bunch of frat boys were just excited or some shit

but then the footsteps stop at you and you’re standing there, wide-eyed

in front of an out of breath Mark

he was walking out of his class with Jaemin and he spotted you from across the quad

and immediately ran to you

Jaemin: I was talking but okay

this isn’t about you Jaemin

anyways

Mark is in front of you, panting and you’re just like sir?

You: “how are you out of breath? aren’t you an athlete?”

Mark: “oh my God, you’re just like Donghyuk”

you give him a bit of time (and some water bc he seemed like he needed it)

and once he’s caught his breath, he stands up and blurts it out

Mark: “what happened to you during the championship?”

You: “....................... what?”

seeing you blink at him confused, he can feel his ears reddening when he’s realized the situation he’s put himself into

Mark: “um, I just”

Mark: “I noticed that you weren’t at the game”

You: still confused bc how does he know about you

You: “huh?”

Mark: oh my God this is the wrong person, want to die

Mark: “you know what, I have the wrong person, I’m just gonna bounce I am so sorry—”

he starts backing up, but you aren’t letting him escape

You: “whoawhoawhoawhoawhoa, hold up hold up”

You: “I didn’t even know that you knew that I knew you”

You: “wait, did you run here just to ask me that?”

Mark is full on flushed at this point bc of all the questions and realizations and it’s all crashing down on him all too soon

and now you have this mischievous look in your eyes that remind him of Ten when he’s clowning Doyoung and he feels like he’s made a mistake

a good mistake but still a mistake

You: “is it?”

Mark: “well, you like, show up to all of our games and you didn’t go to the finals so I didn’t know if anything happened”

You: “oh, I got sick and I figured I shouldn’t be going into giant crowds while having my insides die internally”

You: “but, I did hear from my friends, congrats btw”

Mark: “thanks”

Mark: “are you feeling better tho?”

You: “yeah, but like, my throat is still kind of shitty”

Mark: “oh, if you want, I have a couple of friends who might be able to cook something up for your throat”

Mark: “I’d offer to make something, but Kun doesn’t let me in the kitchen anymore after finding out about the egg incident”

You: “the egg incident?”

Mark: “I can’t cook, like. at all.”

You: “I think I’m good, I was just gonna go get some tea to make it less scratchy or something”

Mark: “I can walk you?”

You: “sure”

so you two go to a cafe or something for you to get some warm tea and you two end up talking and you get to know each other a bit

and then you end up trading numbers and you make some time together

since Mark doesn’t have to go to practice until the next season, his time has opened up considerably

sometimes you study together

other times, you go check out some other places nearby campus

(eventually, you did get to try Taeyong, Jaehyun, and Kun’s food, to which there was no turning back at that point bc they make the best kind of food—free)

you’re basically dating at this point and his friends know you as his significant other so

Chenle: “is (Y/N) gonna be here?”

Mark: “no? it’s our movie night”

Donghyuk: “aren’t you dating tho?”

Mark: “what”

he told you he took it casually and cool, but considering how red his ears were getting when he told you………………. cute

Mark: “c-can you believe they thought we were dating?”

You: “is that not what we’re doing?”

Mark: “what?”

you both established your relationship after that and Mark got a lot more shy and it’s super adorable bc it makes you wanna take care of him and ugh

he’s precious okay

also cut to him trying to ask the other guys for advice, but then he gets embarrassed as Johnny and Ten tries to educate him about love

or how Lucas gives him cheesy lines to use on you

these boys are having a field day and Xiaojun and Doyoung have never felt more at peace

anyways

def the nervous type that he can’t even hold your hand and keeps asking if it’s okay

so you’re the top of this relationship bc he’s a shy lil boy

after a bit tho, he gets more comfortable and it’s great

he’ll get teased often right? when it happens in front of you, he just runs to you with a whine of your name and buries his face into your neck

and you end up yelling at someone

it’s cute tho

bc they def see you both as an adorable couple

when the hockey season starts rolling around again, you def spend more time at the practices—whether you’re there to watch, do your homework, or just help motivate him to play better

you started dressing up more too, especially since he gave you his jersey so you started wearing them to the games (and also face paint bc Jungwoo had some extra for an unknown reason)

and you make Mark Lee signs and it’s super cute

Sicheng also invites you to the afterparty dinners bc why not

also, remember that thing I said about watching figure skaters?

you two watch the Olympics for that and it’s like tradition now for you two to settle in front of the tv with snacks and watch them skate

so, since he’s an athlete, he has to be careful with his body bc then like scholarship will go poof

that means some of your dates might be physically limited

like he’ll go mini-golfing with you, but he can’t go to like self-defense classes with you

he’ll go to support you but if his foot gets busted, his coach and the rest of the team will be on his ass and he feels a bit bad about it but like you understand

considering that you absolutely refuse to get on the ice bc hockey is hard people

speaking of hockey, you told Mark he’s hot when he plays and he was FLUSHED

bc like the look in his eyes and the way he carries himself…. reminds you of when you’re doing some more………...steamy activities

anyways, stan Mark Lee

he’s a sweetheart who works so hard and you’re there to provide him with lots of love

[maiverie]

surprise, i lived. LMAO im back to reply to this !

i’m super glad it made you feel happy to hear how much your fic gave me that final push i needed <3 honestly ¿? wattpad is cool and all but it’s definitely more casual. of course, i still get a lot of interaction with my writings but it’s definitely not the same as tumblr. i’d say tumblr is a lot of friendly and people really like to voice themselves more freely and open, which i really enjoy !! hearing what others think about my fics are really important to me as a writer, so i’ve def been enjoying it here ♥︎

ALSO WE RLY ARE OPPOSITES but i vibe with it 🤕 i loveee writing horror and angst since it tends to invoke large reactions, but i’m actually planning on posting up a romcom smau soon centering around jake & heesung !! so i’m hoping that goes well because if it flops that’ll be embarrassing 🧎

aside from that, please feel free to shoot me a message whenever because i would literally love to have you as a friend !! u seem so sweet and ur energy is super positive :) i have a discord as well if it makes it easier chatting there <3 btw my name is fraser but you can 100% use any nickname too ! xo

FRASER!!! I LOVE UR NAME AAAA

omg i can totally see that happening??? i've always wanted to check out wattpad but it seems so... OVERWHELMING? but omg welcome to tumblr <33 i really like it here too! i love how the engene community is particularly super nice and friendly? everyone i've met thus far has been so so so nice ;-; interaction is super duper important but i totally agree that tumblr feels a lot more casual and open — plus i love how the reblogging and tags functions work 😩 SO. FUCKING. GOOD.

YESSSSSSSS when you mentioned "we write opposite genres" i was like oh yeah sure maybe they just write angst AND THEN I GO INTO UR BLOG AND IT'S LITERALLY HORROR AND ANGST AND MAYBE EVEN SOME GORE??? STOP. THAT IS SO FREAKING COOL. and omg bff wtf are we the same people bc while i've always been more of a ’written’ series writer, i rlly rlly want to try write an smau! but tbh.... im not funny enough for that wtf 💀 but if u happen to find out what apps people with ios use, pls let me know 💔 AND HELL NO IT WILL NOT FLOP I WILL NOT ALLOW THAT TO HAPPENNNNN i literally love reading smaus so much these days so im so freaking excited for urs!! PLEASE TAG ME IN IT WHEN U RELEASE ITTTTT i have a reading blog that i'll be sure to leave lots of feedback/comments on :>> i'm a talkative reader so i tend to assault authors’ notifs by writing really lengthy thoughts hahaha ;-;

of course!!! don't ever hesitate in reaching out too <33 im so honoured u chose to leave a message so thank u sm for taking the initiative ! so glad we met :> and YESSS PLEASE DM ME UR DISC HEHE I'LL ADD U!!!

[blackjacktheboss]

20 pls p.s. been following u for five years!! ty for bringing so much to the fandom u singlehandedly brought my love for pjo back to life

by 20 i meant angst 20 btw but ill be thankful for anything lmao

It is one in the morning when Annabeth’s phone begins to buzz incessantly on her night stand. With her face still buried in her pillow she blindly reaches for it, feeling around the small table until her hand grabs hold of it. She groans as she turns just enough for one eye to break free of her pillow, opening it half way as the harsh blue light from her phone shines in her face.

Luke flashes across the screen and Annabeth’s heart jumps in her chest. She shoots up out of bed, wincing as she turns to look over her shoulder, hoping she hasn’t disturbed her boyfriend’s sleep. His breathing is still slow and steady, so she carefully gets up and walks to the bathroom, closing the door behind her and turning on the lights.

“Hello?” she says into the phone as her eyes adjust to the harsh brightness. She sits on the side of the tub and speaks again. “Luke, are you there?”

“Annabeth, you answered,” he says, his words coming through a little slurred.

“You’re drunk,” she says, as she tries to rub the sleep from her eyes.

“I need you.”

Annabeth looks up at the ceiling, begging for strength from any benevolent force that may exist. “What happened?”

“I got… I got a little drunk and things got out of hand.”

“Out of hand how?”

“I’m sitting with the police outside of Dakota’s downtown. They say they’ll let me go with a warning if you can come pick me up right now.”

She sighs and stands. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“You’re the best, Annabeth. Love you,” he says.

And before she can respond, the line goes dead. She opens the door, nearly jumping out of her skin as she sees Percy sitting up in bed.

“Fuck, you scared me.”

“Sorry,” he says, his voice flat. “Who was on the phone?”

Annabeth bites her bottom lip nervously but answers. “It was Luke. He got into some trouble and needs me to go pick him up.”

“Doesn’t he have any other friends he can call?”

“I guess not,” she says as she walks towards the dresser.

“He’s using you, Annabeth,” Percy says with a measured anger. “How long is it gonna take you to see that?”

“That’s not fair,” she says as she grabs jeans and begins to pull them on. “You don’t know what he was like before. He’s just going through a hard time.”

“Everyone’s twenties are a hard time, Annabeth. That’s hardly a reason to treat you the way he does. Don’t go.”

Annabeth pulls a shirt over her head, avoiding eye contact with Percy. “You don’t get to tell me what to do.”

“No, that’s Luke’s job, right?”

Annabeth looks at him then, completely taken aback. “You’re being an asshole.”

“I’m the asshole?” he asks, incredulous. “Luke is the one who can call at any hour of the night, tell you to jump and all you have to say to him is how high, but I’m the asshole?”

“Right now, yes,” she says, her adrenaline pumping through her veins.

Percy sits down on the edge of the bed, defeated, as he watches Annabeth pull on a pair of socks. “I can’t do this anymore,” he says, his head bowed.

“I know, fighting sucks, but we can talk about this more tomorrow.”

He looks up at her. “No, Annabeth, I mean I can’t do this anymore.”

Annabeth’s heart stops. “Percy-”

“I love you. More than I ever thought I could love another person but I… I can’t be your second choice. I thought I could, but… I can’t. I won’t.”

“You’re not,” she says as her heart begins to break. She sits sideways on the bed next to him, the desperation in her voice obvious. “Percy, please look at me. You are not my second choice.”

“Then don’t go,” he says barely louder than a whisper. “Stay here with me.”

Annabeth’s breath stutters. “I can’t just leave him,” she says, surprising even herself.

Percy looks down at his hands and nods to himself slowly. “I was afraid you’d say that.”

Annabeth puts her hands on his, but he doesn’t grab them back. “Percy, please, let’s just talk about this tomorrow. Please.”

“There’s no point,” he says, his voice cracking. “I deserve someone who can pick me without hesitating, and it took me until just now to realize that as bad as I want you to be, you’re not that person.”

“Percy,” she says, her lungs giving out on her.

Percy can’t look at her. “I wanna build a life with you, Annabeth. I wanna marry you and I want you to be the mother of my kids. I want you to design us the perfect house. I want it all. But we can’t have that if you’re always chasing after Luke’s ghost. Whoever he was to you is gone, and all that’s left is a shell of a person who only knows how to take. So I’ll ask you one more time: Please don’t go.”

Her phone buzzes in her pocket and just as a reflex, she pulls her hands from Percy’s to take it out to look at.

Luke: you’re my best frend i love yo so mch

A second later, the phone buzzes again in her hand.

Luke: if you hurry we can do shot togethr!!

“Percy, I’m all he has,” she says sadly as she stares at the screen.

“Then at least you’ll have each other.”

“Don’t do this,” she says, her voice full of raw emotion.

“I’m done. We’re done.”

Annabeth can only shake her head as tears begin to fall down her cheeks. “P- Please,” she stutters.

“You’d better get going,” he says, standing from the edge of the bed. “I’d hate for you to keep him waiting.”

Shakily, Annabeth stands and pulls a sweatshirt on before gathering her keys and wallet. Percy simply stands with his arms crossed, looking down at his feet as she moves about the room. She’s not sure how she’s moving, since it feels as though the world is crumbling around her, but she does it. Without another word, she walks past Percy, out of the apartment and down to the street where she catches a cab. It’s only a fifteen minute ride but she feels every piece of her broken heart clattering around her chest as they go.

“I’m sorry but can you take me back to where you picked me up?” she asks.

Annabeth looks at the bar front, the truth of Percy’s words settling in. She quickly spots Luke through a window, who is cheersing with some stranger and throwing back a shot.

“But we just got here,” the cab driver says.

There are no cops anywhere, and she wonders if there ever had been.

“I know, but I realized this isn’t where I should be.”

“Whatever, lady,” the driver scoffs as he pulls back into the road.

She pulls out her phone again and opens up Luke’s contact. She stares at the name, reminisces on the years they have been in each other’s lives, and under the red light of a traffic stop, Annabeth realizes that all she and Luke have is the past. It has dragged them down like a weight, keeping them tied to each other without any true benefit. But Annabeth wants more than a bundle of memories. She wants a future, and the only person she can have that with is Percy.

The image of Percy’s face is in her mind as she blocks Luke’s number. The thought of how he seems to always smell of a fresh ocean breeze is what she thinks of as she pays the cab driver and stares up at the apartment building. It’s the dream of both his physical and emotional warmth that pulls her towards the front door and into the dark apartment.

“Percy?” she says into the darkness.

But there is no answer, just deafening silence and shadows that watch Annabeth crawl back into bed alone, wishing she had had the courage to stay.

[maybeimamuppet]

the second first date

this week on ezzy can’t title: this. quick tw for brief discussion of self harm and a mentioned suicide attempt, but this is 99.9999% cute fluff.

-

Cady had a tendency to talk in her sleep, as Janis had learned during several sleepovers. Most of the time it didn't make sense to Janis (or Cady the next morning) but wasn't particularly concerning. Things like:

"Janis. I hate oranges." Good to know. Or, "Janis, the birds are back." Mildly alarming, but they she didn't seem bothered by them. Or, "Janis, why do we have eyebrows?" A valid question.

Occasionally it was cute little things, like:

"Janis, you're my favorite." Janis had to fight to contain a squeal. Or, "You're so pretty." Janis just blushed violently and continued listening. Or, "I need more snuggles." Obviously, Janis pulled her closer and kissed her forehead.

And every once in a while it was something particularly ominous that kept Janis lying awake after, like:

"When did I die?" Huh? Past tense? Or, "How does it know?" How does what know? Or, "Don't mess with me, I know lions." A genuine threat, thankfully not aimed at Janis (she hopes).

Which is why Janis is more than a little concerned when Cady suddenly sits bolt upright in the middle of the night, Janis bracing herself for whatever strange things will come out of Cady's sleep addled mind next. But then Cady turns to her, and she's awake.

"I never got to take you on a surprise date. Our first date was your turn, I never got my turn," She says blearily, eyes full of genuine concern.

"Shh, baby. You can start planning your surprise date in the morning. Go back to sleep, it's late, Princess," Janis croons, pulling Cady back into her embrace.

"Mmkay," Cady hums, seeming content with that as she tucks herself into Janis' neck and falls back asleep almost immediately.

-

When Janis wakes up the next morning, Cady is already at her desk, scribbling away in a notebook. "Why are you all the way over there?" Janis whines sleepily, reaching for her.

"Because you pushed me out of bed and stole all the blankets, you loon. I figured I might as well get started planning," Cady giggles, coming back over for their morning cuddles.

"What do you have so far?" Janis asks, her voice still rough with sleep.

"The whole point is that it's a surprise, Jay. You'll find out when it happens," Cady answers, pulling Janis into her lap.

"Fine," Janis grumbles. She likes knowing things. "When is it happening?"

"Saturday?"

Janis checks her calendar on her phone, sometimes her mom makes her watch her sister on Saturdays. "Works for me, baby," She answers when nothing appears.

"Good," Cady answers. She's has about a week to prepare now, which she needs. She only came up with half an idea.

-

One Janis goes home, Cady immediately pulls out her phone and sends a text to her group chat with the former Plastics.

africabytoto: Guys, I'm taking Janis on a date Saturday and I only came up with an idea for part of it, can you help me????

Gretchen, as always, answers first.

fetchen: You could just take her to dinner or something?? That's always nice

It does sound nice, but not quite right. Janis' ideas were both perfect, Cady wants to do even better for her.

ofmiceandkaren: Gretch took me to a bookstor on our first date!! I picked a storie and she red it to me by the pond! 📷‍📷️‍📷‍📷📷📷📷📷

africabytoto: Aww, that's so cute! Nice name btw

ofmiceandkaren: thanks !! I picked Of Mice and Men but spoylers, ❌📷 it is not even about mice. Gretchie sayd I shuld make it my name anyway 📷📷

That idea is much more Janis, she loves to read, but it still doesn't feel quite right. Maybe they'd do it on another date. Ironically, Regina comes up with the best idea.

bowdownbitches: the fair just opened for the year, you could take her there. Janis loves roller coasters and stuff. or she used to, anyway.

africabytoto: Gina that's perfect!!!! Thanks guys, I'll see you at lunch tomorrow 📷📷

Cady's only seen fairs in movies and has always wanted to go to one, so it's a slightly selfish endeavor, but she does remember hearing Janis rave about them.

——-

When Saturday finally rolls around, Janis is slightly panicked. Cady only told her to wear good walking shoes and dress "decent but not fancy", as if Janis had any idea what that meant. Damian was out of town for the weekend, so she can't ask him to dress her like she normally does.

Then she remembers that she has a baby sister who is actually very good with fashion for her age, so she goes to the top of the stairs to call for her.

"Juju!"

"What?"

"Can you come pick my outfit for my date tonight?"

And suddenly her sister is barreling up the stairs top speed, nearly plowing her down. Apparently she's excited. Janis leads her to her bedroom, opening her closet and dresser drawers for Juliana to dig through.

"Gimme your phone," Julie says once she enters.

"Why?" Janis asks suspiciously, but unlocking and handing it over anyway.

"So I can ask Cady where she's taking you, duh," Julie answers.

Julie taps into her messages, scowling a little at the Cady Girl 📷📷 contact name. Gross.

Jellybean: hey it's julie, janny asked me to pick out her clothes, can u tell me where ur taking her?? i'll delete the messages so she doesn't see

Caddy Cakes: Haha I believe it, but prove it's really you first. Janis is sneaky like that.

Juliana snaps a selfie of herself making a peace sign, showing Janis laying face down on her bed in the background.

Jellybean: Sent a picture: crisis mode Janis feat. me

Caddy Cakes: Aww poor thing D:

Caddy Cakes: I'm taking her to that pottery painting place and then to the fair.

Jellybean: god you two are so sappy. thanks, cady

Caddy Cakes: Not a problem, just make sure to delete these!! Love ya kiddo 📷️

Though she's loathe to admit it, that does get a grin out of her as she deletes the messages and passes the phone back to her sister.

Juliana goes to root through the drawers first, pulling out Janis' favorite swirly tights and a white long sleeved shirt with black roses painted onto it. She lays them on the bed and goes to the closet next, pulling out a plain black skirt, Janis' doc martens, and one of her painted denim jackets.

"Go put this on and then I'll do your hair and stuff," Julie demands, shoving the pile at her sister.

"Yes, ma'am," Janis says, immediately heading into the bathroom and putting everything on. Julie did very well, as she always does.

Once she comes back, her sister sits her on the ground to do her hair, pulling it to the side opposite her shave and braiding it loosely over her shoulder as she tells Janis what makeup to do. It's almost exactly what she normally does, but with black lipstick instead of her usual purple.

It's a rather monochrome look other than the jacket, but Janis decides she's into it as she looks in the mirror. She goes over to ruffle her sister's hair in thanks, barely getting to before the doorbell rings.

Julie rushes past her to get the door before Janis can, throwing the door open and wrapping her arms around Cady's waist. It had taken her a long time to forgive Cady for what she had done to her sister, but once they started dating Cady had tried very hard to form a bond with her. It had worked.

"Oof," Cady grunts as an eleven year old that's roughly the same size as she is suddenly collides with her. "Hey, mini Jay. How are you?"

"Good. Janis is losing it." Julie answers as she lets her go, hiding behind her to avoid Janis' wrath as she yells "Watch it, kid!" from the top of the stairs on her way down.

"Hi, lovey," Cady coos from where she stands in the doorway, instantly melting away Janis' tough facade and earning her a small scowl from Juliana. "You did good, Jules. These are for you, by the way." She says, handing the little one a small bouquet of pink roses.

"You look cute," Janis says once her sister runs away to find a vase with a happy squeal. She really does, Cady's in a grey jumpsuit with a pink leather jacket on top and her white high tops, and her hair is styled in the same way it was when they first met. Janis always loved that little braid crown.

"So do you. Juju really did a good job," Cady purrs, cupping her cheek with her free hand to finally kiss her. "Is your mom home? These are for her," She says, brandishing a larger bunch of tulips.

"I think she's in the kitchen. Mama!" Janis calls, her mother appearing down the hall. Janis just gestures to the flowers.

"Yes? Oh, hi Cady. Ooh, these are beautiful, thank you, hon," She says, taking them and hugging her gently.

"You're welcome, Ms. Sarkisian," Cady answers, returning her embrace. She's also had to work pretty hard to get Janis' moms trust back. She's incredibly thankful Ms. Sarkisian was so forgiving.

"I've told you to call me Ettie, doll. Ms. Sarkisian just makes me feel old," She tuts, Cady knowing there's no way in hell she'll ever be able to refer to her girlfriend's mother by her first name, and especially not a nickname. "Janis, can I expect you home tonight?"

Janis looks at Cady, who shakes her head. "No, I'm gonna spend the night at her house if that's okay," She answers.

"Of course it is. Just be safe and responsible, you know my boring rules," Ms. Sarkisian responds, handing over her always-ready sleepover bag. "I love you, baby girl. Have fun, ladies. Call if you need anything." She pushes them towards the door after Janis hugs her goodbye tightly.

"Your mom is the best," Cady says once they're alone on the porch. "Anyway, theeeeese are for you." She hums as she grabs a bundle of something from the bench next to them.

Janis had been a little confused as to why her mom and sister had gotten flowers and not her, but it makes a bit more sense when she looks to see the bouquet of... paintbrushes?

"You remembered what brand of brushes I use?" Janis asks, almost in awe. The brushes are tied together with a little purple ribbon, the bow a little sloppy. A personal Cady touch.

"Kind of. I remembered what they looked like from watching you paint all the time and then just wandered around some craft stores for, like, two hours until I found ones that matched," her girlfriend answers.

Janis is touched. "I- thank you, baby. I've been needing new ones," she mumbles, touching the soft end of one gently before leaning down to kiss her. She's a little worried, those brushes are kind of expensive.

"You're welcome, darling. Now let's go, we're gonna have fun!" Cady cheers, dragging her towards her little car by the hand and opening the door for her.

Cady is going into her maps app as Janis buckles her seatbelt, tapping a few times to get directions to the first destination. Suddenly, the loud, robotic voice of Siri reverberates through the car, saying, "Starting route to You're Kilning Me! Pottery House," and making them both jump.

Janis starts practically cackling as Cady frantically tries to stop Siri ruining the surprise, yelling "SHUCK!" over the voice. "It was supposed to be a surprise," she pouts once the phone finally goes quiet.

"Oh, baby, it's okay. I still don't know the second part," Janis offers, as Cady genuinely looks distressed. "And I've never been there before, so it's still kind of a surprise."

"Fine," Cady grumbles. "Do you actually want to go here? We can go do something else if you think it's lame."

"No! Baby, this sounds fun," Janis comforts, pulling her into a hug across the center console. "I'm always down to paint, you picked this because you knew I would like it. Let's go decorate some cute little trinkets." She pecks Cady on the nose gently before letting her go.

"Thanks, Jayjay. Now stop being so nice, tonight's about you," Cady demands, taking her hand as they pull out of the driveway.

"As you wish, Peanut," Janis giggles.

——

The place isn't totally Janis' vibe, but she does have to admit it's very cute. The walls are a lime green and covered in various colored handprints, and there's shelves with hundreds of white figurines ready to be decorated.

"So... I thought we could pick and decorate something for each other? If you want," Cady says shyly, squeezing Janis' hand gently.

"Of course I want, Princess. That sounds adorable. Now close your eyes, it should be a surprise," Janis says, letting Cady go to browse the shelves. "No peeking."

Cady covers her eyes with a giggle. "Okay, Jay, I won't."

Janis looks for a minute, nearly picking a little lion piggy bank before remembering Cady already has so many lion things. She finds a butterfly figurine, looking as if it's about to take off, tucked away on one of the lower shelves. Butterfly is her personal favorite nickname for Cady. It's perfect.

She tucks it into her jacket so Cady can't see it before going and pulling her hands off her eyes. "Your turn, Peanut," she says, finding a table that has a divider in so they can paint their things without the other seeing.

Cady comes to find her a few minutes later, resting her jacket over the back of her seat and plopping herself down. Janis hears a little clink as Cady rests whatever ceramic thing she's picked on the table.

An overly cheerful employee comes over to give them their palettes and bottles of glaze, as well as a little chart explaining how many layers to apply for different results. Janis immediately goes for magenta, purple and dark blue, deciding to paint one of the wings of her butterfly as the bi flag. Cady's been wanting more pride stuff.

Cady watches Janis work for a second before remembering she also has something to decorate. She found a coffee mug with a matching coaster in the shape of a paint palette, which is very Janis. She loves coffee.

One by one Cady works her way through the colors of the rainbow, painting little heart-shaped paint splotches on the coaster and colorful drips down the side of the mug. Janis looks a little confused as to what she could be doing with all those colors, but doesn't question it. Cady decides to take a break once she finishes her first layers, watching Janis who is working intently and chattering away at the same time.

"What are you looking at?" Janis asks once she notices her, switching to grab some yellow glaze.

"My beautiful girlfriend," Cady flirts, laughing when Janis flushes with a slightly embarrassed squeak.

"You're not so bad yourself, babe," She manages once she's recovered.

"Thank you, Jay. So what do you think of this place? Be honest," Cady says, grabbing a thin brush and some black glaze to continue decorating the mug.

"It's cute! I'm having fun, we should come back here sometime," Janis answers as she starts sketching some little in-jokes about their relationship on the butterfly's other wing. She's kind of regretting painting it yellow; the colors don't really go together, but yellow is Cady's favorite.

"Good," Cady hums. "But I'm more excited for the next part."

"Where are we going next?" Janis coaxes.

"Nice try. One part of this date is going to be a surprise or so help me," Cady grumbles as she very carefully brushes 'I love you' on the very bottom of the inside of the mug.

"Fine," Janis fake-pouts, moving now to paint the legs and antennae of the butterfly.

-

Once they finish putting the final layers of glaze on, they carefully bring up their beautiful creations (one at a time to maintain the surprise) to the front desk to be fired. Cady would pick them up once they were done in about a week.

Cady makes Janis wait outside the car as she puts in the GPS information to keep the location a surprise, and starts digging through her bag for something as Janis is finally allowed to slide into her seat.

Eventually she finds what she was looking for, brandishing a bandana to be used as a blindfold.

"Kinky," Janis teases as she begrudgingly takes it and ties it around her eyes.

"Get your mind out of the gutter, you loser," Cady huffs, reaching out to tickle Janis to make sure she can't see anything. She apparently can't, because she shrieks with laughter as Cady's hand wiggles over her ribcage before grabbing it to hold, lacing their fingers together.

Cady reaches to turn the radio on to keep Janis entertained, giving her hand a squeeze before unfortunately letting go to drive safely.

——

Cady hops out first once she parks, going around to Janis' side and helping her out before spinning her around and untying the blindfold.

Janis blinks a few times, letting her eyes adjust to the light before letting out an excited gasp at what she sees. They have about half an hour before the sun starts to go down, and they're surrounded by neon lights, loud noises, and delicious smells. It's beautiful.

"The fair?!"

"Yeah! Um, I couldn't come up with anything other than the pottery place and Regina said you liked roller coasters." Cady says, almost nervously.

"I do! This is tits, let's go in, come on!" Janis pecks her cheeks a few times excitedly before grabbing her hand and hurrying towards the gates. Cady realizes distantly that she left her jacket in the car. Oh well. It's May now, and it's a warm evening. She'll probably be fine.

Cady buys their entry wristbands, getting the kind that allow them to go on as many rides as they want. She fumbles with hers for a minute before Janis tenderly takes her hand, fastening the paper bracelet around her wrist and pressing a kiss to her palm.

"Thanks, love. Where do you want to go first?" Cady asks, lacing their fingers together and swinging their arms back and forth.

"Can we ride that?" Janis asks, pointing to the single largest coaster present. Cady's never been on a roller coaster before, but how bad could it be?

"Sure," Cady hums, looking up at the massive metal structure. "Let's go."

Janis makes Cady stand by the height measurement sign as a joke, taking a picture as Cady pouts. "I'm not that small," She huffs.

"Baby, you're barely a foot over the height requirement. You're always gonna be my little Peanut," Janis hums, squishing her in a tight hug as they stand in line.

"I like being Peanut, I guess," Cady sighs jokingly. She actually kind of likes being small, it has its uses. Like for cuddles.

Janis chooses the very front seats, wiggling excitedly as they get harnessed in.

Once they reach the top of the first hill, Cady decides she does not like roller coasters as much as she thought she would. This thought continues as they hurtle around the track, going much faster than Cady appreciates. She thinks they go upside down at one point, but by that time her eyes are so tightly shut that she's not totally sure.

"That was tits!" Janis cheers as they finally come to a blessed stop, helping Cady out of the cart.

"Uhhuh," Cady mumbles, trying to stop her hands shaking. Janis turns to look at her once they're a ways away, surprised to find her much more pale than normal and her clear blue eyes wide and frightened.

"Oh, baby," She hums, pulling Cady into a tight hug. "You didn't like it?" Cady shakes her head frantically and buries her face into Janis' chest. "Shh, it's okay. We won't go on any more. You pick what we do next."

"No, this is your date. You get to pick everything," Cady says, calming in Janis' tight embrace.

"I pick we do something you want. You look miserable," Janis says, pulling her back gently to kiss a few freckles.

"Thanks," Cady says sarcastically. "Can we go check out the game thingies?"

"Sure, angel. I bet I'll win you a stuffed animal first," Janis says, taking her hand and leading them towards the stalls.

Cady winds up winning first, her muscle memory from Africa helping her win the dart toss. She picks a sloth with velcro paws, taking it and wrapping the arms around Janis in a little hug. Janis wins the water shooting one, picking a big alpaca shaped thing with yellow fur. Cady takes it excitedly, squeezing it tightly. It's very squishy and soft.

Cady's recovered enough by that point to go on a few tamer rides, so Janis leads them over to something called the Scrambler. It looks sort of like some kind of sea monster, with multicolored carts that spin around and are also orbiting a central structure. She holds Janis' hand as well as the bar holding them in, still nervous from her encounter with the coaster.

But once they get going, Cady loves it. Feeling the wind hitting her face reminds her of being on the Jeeps in Africa, and the motion makes her stomach flip in a way she enjoys this time. Janis is just watching her as they go around, smiling widely as Cady laughs freely the whole time.  Gradually, they come to a stop, Cady cheering "Again! Again!" once they finally come to a complete standstill. Janis obliges, taking her hand to get them back in the short line. The Scrambler is one of her favorites, too.

Janis asks if she'd like to try going on some massive slides, Cady looking up at them curiously. They're about as high up as the roller coasters, but people seem to be moving much more slowly down them, so she agrees to try them at least once. They get in line, Janis grabbing a rug for them to go on together. They start climbing the many, many stairs to the top, both of them puffing slightly by the time they're led over to their slide.

Janis lays their mat down, holding it down for Cady to get on before following after her. She pulls Cady closer to her, pressing her chest against her back and holding her around the waist. Cady holds onto the handles of the mat and the worker gives them a gentle push to get them finally going. Cady giggles the whole way down, which was Janis' goal. They're going so quickly they nearly crash into the wall at the bottom, Cady barely managing to stick her feet out at the last second. The force knocks Janis down flat on her back, Cady following and tipping her head upside down to grin widely at her.

"That was fun!" Cady cheers, standing and holding her hand out to help Janis up.

"Do you want to go again?" Janis asks, knowing the look in her eyes well by this point. Cady nods shyly, Janis just taking her hand and leading them back to the end of the line. She's noticed Cady only seems to have an issue with height and speed at the same time, one or the other is okay.

Once they've gone on everything at least once, they decide to finally get some dinner. As they walk over to the food stalls, Cady tucks her alpaca under one arm and holds out the other to Janis. "Hey, can you hold this for me?"

Janis turns from a few paces ahead, thinking she's talking about the stuffed animal until she looks down. "Your hand?"

"Yeah," Cady nods seriously. Janis takes it with a chuckle.

"You're such a dork, I love you."

"I love you too, but I'm very hungry, let's go," Cady begs, tugging on Janis' hand.

"Okay, okay, slow down," Janis laughs.

Cady really wants to try a funnel cake, so she buys one for them to share while Janis gets a bucket of macaroni and cheese and some fried Oreos.

They feed each other little bites of the mac and cheese, stealing a few kisses every now and again in between. Once that's done, Cady pulls their plate of various fried goodness over and just stares at it. Janis tears off a bit of the funnel cake for her to try, getting her fingers sticky with the powdered sugar.

Cady tries it and her eyes go even wider than they did on the roller coaster. That's delicious. Janis laughs at her reaction, but supposed she should've known. Cady loves sweets.

"That's so good!" Cady squeals, almost shaking as the sugar starts to hit. She immediately tears off another bigger piece.

"It's fried dough and sugar, of course it's good," Janis teases, tearing off a chunk for herself. "Now try one of these."

She hands Cady one of the fried Oreos, Cady taking it and nibbling at it almost nervously. It is also delicious, but almost too sweet for her tastes. She likes the cake better. Janis takes the other one, immediately shoving the whole thing in her mouth.

"Oh, Jesus, I shouldn't have done that," She says once she's swallowed it. "No regrets."

Cady gathers up all the trash once they finish, throwing it in a garbage can nearby before turning to her girlfriend. "You have sugar on your lip, come here."

Janis thinks she's just going to wipe it away, letting out a startled squeak when Cady suddenly pulls her behind a stall, pushing her up against it and kissing her hungrily. Usually Janis is the one initiating this kind of thing, but she's certainly not complaining at Cady taking charge.

They're both panting by the time they break apart, looking more than a little disheveled. Janis had noticed Cady's soft skin was rather cold to the touch, and when they pull back she can see her shivering. "Baby, where's your jacket?" She asks, concerned they lost it somewhere.

"I left it in the car," Cady mutters, leaning into her for warmth. "But if I go get it I won't be able to get back in. I'm fine."

She's clearly not, her teeth are almost chattering. Cady's still not totally used to how cold it can get in Illinois. It's almost totally dark now, and very chilly.

Janis pulls off her jean jacket and wraps it around Cady. She's swimming in it, the oversized fabric practically swallowing her tiny girlfriend. Cady's hands don't even come out the sleeves.

Janis notices Cady's jacket paws moving, she's flapping her hands. That's a stim she only does when she's either very upset or very excited, and judging by the wide, delighted grin splitting her face, it's the latter.

"I love you," Cady suddenly hums, throwing her arms around Janis tightly.

"I love you too, baby. So much," Janis says, squeezing her back and kissing her hair softly. "They're gonna close soon, is there one more thing you want to do before we go?"

"The ferris wheel? I've never been on one," Cady hums, resting her chin on Janis' chest and looking up at her.

Janis really does not like ferris wheels, but she can't resist those big blue eyes blinking up at her. She supposes she can make an exception.

"Fine, but if we get stuck up there you have to cuddle me the whole time, I'm scared of heights," She says, taking her hand and leading them towards the large circle illuminated by colorful lights. It is rather pretty, from the ground anyway.

They get in line just before the cutoff for the night, Cady staring up at the massive structure with wide, curious eyes. Janis is strangely comforted seeing that almost childlike wonder on her face. Cady deserves to experience it at least once, even if she does have to spend it holding Janis the whole time so she doesn't panic.

Janis is further comforted when their cart is purple, which is her favorite color. Unfortunately, any semblance of safe feelings leave the second they start moving, Janis clinging to Cady's arm.

"How did you enjoy that roller coaster and the slides if you're so scared of heights, Jellybean?" Cady asks, holding onto her girlfriend tightly.

"Because the height doesn't last on stuff like that, you're just up there to get going and then it's done," Janis huffs. Cady gets distracted once they hit the very top, gasping excitedly at the view and reaching for her phone to take a picture.

She snaps a few before turning it around to selfie mode, leaning in to cup Janis' cheek with her other hand and kiss her gently as she takes another few photos like that. "Thanks for letting me come up here, Jay. We only have to go around one more time before we can get off."

"It's okay, baby. It's actually really pretty up here. As long as you don't look down," Janis hums, leaning in for one more peck. She breathes a sigh of relief as they approach the ground and gives another sharp exhale as they go up again.

Sure enough, once they reach the tip-top, the ride screeches to a halt, and a voice calls up from the bottom to tell them they're stuck up there indefinitely.

"Ah, fuck," Janis groans. This was exactly what she didn't want to happen.

"Oh no," Cady says, concerned for Janis. "Um... we could play a game? To pass the time?"

That doesn't sound terrible, but they don't have anything to play a game with up here.

"Like what?" Janis asks, trying to keep the tremble from her voice. Focus on Cady.

"Um... we could go back and forth and say something about ourselves that the other one doesn't know yet?" Cady hums anxiously, holding Janis tightly.

That doesn't exactly sound like a game, but it would work well enough to keep Janis' mind off the fact that she's dangling  thirty-odd feet in the air in a heavy cart.

"You go first," Janis says, tucking her face into Cady's neck.

"Okay," Cady chuckles, kissing her head and running her fingers through Janis' hair gently. "Um... Od uoy wonk I nac klat sdrawkcab?"

"What the fuck?" Janis says, pulling back to look at Cady's smug grin.

"I can talk backwards. Any word," Cady says.

"Wh- How do you do that?" Janis asks in awe.

"I dunno. When I was learning how to read I taught myself to do it backwards too. Don't ask, I was an odd kid. I just picture the word in my head and then flip it around," Cady answers.

"Prove it," Janis challenges. "Say... um... what's my name backwards?"

"Sinaj," Cady says immediately.

"I love you."

"I evol uoy."

"Peanut butter."

"Tunaep rettub."

"That's the weirdest thing I've ever heard, that's so cool," Janis squeals.

"Thanks," Cady giggles. "Your turn."

"Oh boy, um... did you know about these?" Janis asks, pulling her two half-heart necklaces from where they're tucked inside her shirt.

"I've seen them but I've never read what they say," Cady says, taking them gingerly to read the charms. One says 'big sis' and the other has been painted to say half of what she can only assume is 'best fucking bitches'. "Who has the other pieces? Julie?"

"No, Damian," Janis answers, which makes Cady burst out laughing.

"That's so cute," She says breathlessly once she's calmed down. "My turn then, um. Do you know how I got my name? Or the spelling of it, anyway.

Janis shakes her head. She loves her Cady with a C and a D and a Y, but it is a little strange.

"This is just what my mom told me so it could be a joke, she likes to mess with me a lot. But she got to name my brother so she let my dad name me, and he was in a band when she was pregnant with me. He wanted to give me a sort of musical name like Harmony or something, so he picked Cadence and my mom said yes as long as it could be Cady on my birth certificate. She thought he'd regret it eventually and wanted me to have a more 'normal' nickname," She says.

Janis tries to imagine Mr. Heron, the dorkiest, kindest, shyest man she knows in a band. Does not compute. "That... kind of makes sense, actually, other than your dad being in a band. Did they ever call you Cadence?"

"Actually, yeah, when I was really little my dad always called me that. And when I got in trouble back in Kenya that's what they called me," Cady says, looking as if the secret to the universe has been revealed to her. The story must be true, then.

"That's wild as hell, Chip Heron in a band," Janis says, also looking a little shell-shocked. They'd have to ask him about it later. "My turn. Did you know Gretchen comes to the gym with me sometimes?"

"No, really? That's so sweet," Cady coos.

"Yeah, she asked me a while ago if she could come with me every once in a while to help her anxiety and stuff. She does more cardio and things like that than I do, but we spot each other when we need to and I started going to a yoga thing she does. It's kind of nice to have a workout buddy."

"Aww," Cady says. "I'm glad you guys are becoming friends again."

"Honestly, I am too. Gretchen really isn't so bad. She gushes about Karen all the time too, so I like getting to hear all the juicy stuff about them," Janis chuckles. "Your turn, Peanut."

"I can't think of anything," Cady whines after thinking for a second. "You think of something you want to know about me."

"Okay, I can do that," Janis hums pensively. "Were you born in Kenya?" She asks after a while. Cady's never mentioned anything before her life in Africa.

"No, we didn't move there until I was three, I was born in Oregon. We've always followed my parents' work," Cady answers. "My parents always said it was very exciting having a toddler who wouldn't talk to anyone running around the tents."

"You must've been so cute," Janis says, wondering if she can con Cady into showing her some baby photos.

"I was," Cady answers as Janis makes the mistake of peeking over the edge, snapping back over with wide, terrified eyes. "Oh, darling, why would you look down? Come here."

Janis thinks she's about to pull her into another hug, surprised when Cady pulls her mouth to hers and kisses her softly. Desperate to forget that they're stuck very high in the air, Janis kisses her back eagerly, her girlfriend responding in kind. Janis has always wanted to make out with someone on a ferris wheel.

One of Cady's hands cradles Janis' jaw, thumb stroking comfortingly over her cheek, and her other arm is wrapped securely around Janis' waist to hold her close and safe. Janis flicks her tongue at the seam of Cady's lips, tangling a hand in her auburn curls as she does. Cady lets her in, nipping softly at her bottom lip to tease. Janis would very much like to continue this when they're on the ground.

She's so lost in her girlfriend she almost managed to forget they were still stuck, until there's a deafening clank and a terrifying sort of metallic grinding sound. She pulls back with a startled squeak as they start moving, lipstick noticeably smeared as she buries her face in her girlfriends shoulder. At least they're almost out.

There's a sort of off-brand Snoopy down by the exit, Janis sinking into a hug with him and just repeating, "Snoopy it was so bad. We were stuck up there, Snoopy." For a while until Cady drags her away. Snoopy waves at them almost sadly as he watches them go.

——-

Once they're in the car on the way back to Cady's house, Janis realizes that Cady told her one more fact than Janis told her. She knows Cady likes things to be even, so she decides to level it out.

"Hey, we stopped the game before we told the same number, do you want to hear one more from me?"

"I always want to know more about you, Jayjay," Cady answers, focusing on the road.

"Okay, have you seen this?" Janis asks once they're at a stoplight, shuffling her left sleeve down to reveal her small semicolon tattoo on her wrist.

"No," Cady says, tracing the little picture tenderly with her finger. "What does it mean?"

Janis rolls her sleeve down further to reveal the faded scars lining her arm, wincing a little at Cady's sad gasp. Janis thought she at least knew about those, but she doesn't wear short sleeves very often and the scars are very faded.

"I started self-harming after everything happened with Regina in middle school. Damian didn't tell you, but I was actually pulled out for the rest of that year because I was recovering in the hospital from a suicide attempt. I tried to overdose on one of my mom's prescriptions," Janis explains.

"Oh god, Janis," Cady says sadly, gently running her finger over her arm before she has to start driving again.

"I got my stomach pumped in the hospital and my wrists stitched up, so my mom found out I had been cutting and I had to go to an inpatient therapy place. That's how I started art therapy, actually. But once I got out my mom let me pick something cool to do to celebrate, and for some reason she let me get a tattoo even though I was fourteen. She has one that matches."

"That's so sweet," Cady says, heart still hurting for her girlfriend. She came so close to losing Janis before she ever even found her. "Why a semicolon, though?"

"Because I was an English nerd," Janis answers with a sardonic chuckle. "Semicolons and periods are usually interchangeable, an author uses one when they could have ended a sentence but chose not to. I decided I was the author of me, and I wasn't ready to end my sentence yet. It helps to look at it when I'm having a rough time."

"That's beautiful, Janis. Do you, um, still...?" Cady asks quietly.

"No, no," Janis rushes out. "Damian and my sister both made me promise to stop. I've come close a couple times, but I've been clean since the end of sophomore year. I haven't even thought about it in almost a year."

"Good," Cady breathes with relief. "I'm really glad you're still here, Jay. I love you so much."

"I'm glad I'm here too. I think a lot about what I would've missed if... if it had worked, and I'm always so glad it didn't. I love you too, Caddy," Janis says, trying not to cry. Too many emotions for one night.

They spend the rest of the drive home in comfortable silence, Janis playing with Cady's fingers contently once Cady gives her her hand as they get into slower streets of the neighborhood.

Cady goes to greet her parents and hug them goodnight once they enter, Janis heading up to Cady's room to get changed into her pjs. She's glad their parents all trust them enough to let them continue to sleep in the same bed at sleepovers, probably because they only get up to anything raunchy when they're sure nobody's around. She would miss the snuggles if they were separated.

Cady changes into her Lion King pajama set, putting Janis' jacket back on over top and crawling into bed after her with her new alpaca. She switches on the nightlight Janis had gotten her for Christmas, looking up at the colorful swirly patterns it paints on the ceiling.

"You gonna sleep in my jacket?" Janis asks, resting her head on Cady's chest gently.

"Mmhmm! It's comfy. Soft. And it smells like you," Cady hums, pulling her closer.

"What do I smell like?" Janis asks, a little worried.

"Vanilla and paint, but your hair smells like apples," Cady answers drowsily, stroking her fingers through Janis' hair. "Mostly you just smell like home. I know I'm safe whenever I can smell you."

Well that's just about the sweetest thing Janis has ever heard. "You're so precious, you know that?" She asks, tilting her head up to kiss at the underside of Cady's jaw.

"So you tell me," Cady jokes weakly, followed by a yawn. "It's your turn to be little spoon, I'm sleepy."

Janis is frankly amazed that Cady made it this late, it's nearly midnight. She leans up to kiss her goodnight before she turns to face the wall, cuddling with her own new sloth stuffie and feeling her small girlfriend press up against her, squishing her cheek against her back and wrapping an arm tightly around her waist to pull her closer.

"G'night, Jay. I love you," Cady yawns.

"Goodnight, Caddy. I love you too," Janis answers, grinning to herself.

A perfect date with my perfect girl, she thinks as they slowly drift off to sleep, dreaming of each other.

-

thanks for reading, please let me know what you thought.

also, disastrously, I am starting to run out of ideas, so please leave any ideas you want to see me write either here, on my wattled, or on my ao3. all are just maybeimamuppet.

lots of love,

ezzy