#feel free to buy something from said store if u want more art

[krn-art]

Now that my store is restocked I can go back to drawing the hand scene from Tarzan, a notoriously easy scene to draw since hands are JUST SO notoriously easy to draw. #feel free to buy something from said store if you want more art

[kimbap-r0ll]

Hey! I hope you’re doing well, mentally and physically. I know classes started back up now. Don’t forget to eat and drink water.

I’m not sure how this can be set up but u can do with the idea how you like. But a First date? Scenerio or something Or like first kiss after the second/third date thing? With Feitan. If you don’t mind could u make the s/o Tall tall? Sorry for any typos💜

Hi, I'm doing better but still under some stress ;-;. Here's a scenario, thank you for the ask!

Feitan x tall!reader: First kiss

Feitan started to date you after you worked your courage to ask him. Of course, at first he blatantly said no, but this was because he was afraid you would get hurt when around him. You were from Meteor City, so while you could stay in the city's boundaries forever, the mafia could still come and attack. Feitan didn't want to lose anymore people, especially one that could be his potential love. However, you were able to prove to him that you could fend off yourself and that you really meant it when you said "I love you" to him. So, that was how the relationship started.

He was visiting one day after a major troupe mission. He was back with Phinks and Shalnark, who returned to sort out some negotiations between elders and the troupe. Chrollo wanted to come back, but he was too busy raiding a mafia building. Feitan was left out of the negotiations because the last time he was there he kicked one of the elders off of the stairs. So he decided to spend some time with you instead.

"Welcome back!" You said, hugging him. It looked a little funny in his opinion because you almost picked him up. The difference in your heights was...immense. Feitan felt as though he was almost half your height and it didn't help that you were completely ignorant to how funny it looked when you lifted him from the ground. Phinks laughed a little too hard once and almost got stabbed. Nonetheless Feitan was quite happy to be back and to see you smile. He would never tell you this in person, but his quiet nod and pat on the back was enough for you to understand.

"What did you want to do? I left the entire day free so I don't have to work at the recycling facility today," you told him, walking over to the makeshift kitchen you had in your apartment. The building was dilapidated, but one of the sturdiest ones in Meteor City with more than five stories.

"No plans, just visiting," Feitan responded. He sat down on a couch you had stolen from the junkyard and lowered his bandana, another thing he refused to do in public.

"Ah, ok, well we can visit the market. I need to buy some stuff for this week anyways, the carrot's are all rotten," you pointed out. There was no official grocery store in Meteor City, but the forest nearby along with the growing agricultural sector in the city helped keep people's stomachs full to some extent. You would barter your way for fresh produce, usually selling some valuable you found at one of the junk piles.

"Sure," Feitan shrugged.

"Is that a date?" you joked. The two of you never officially went on a date before, mainly hanging around your place or his. Feitan paused at that comment.

"Sure," once again he shrugged and lifted his bandana back up.

The marketplace wasn't as busy, likely because it was still around noon and most people came out to buy items at around 3pm. You were looking through some fruits (mainly because he once said he liked strawberries) while Feitan was struggling to reach for a high-stand item. You went to go help and of course he pouted about how it made him feel like you were making fun of his height.

"It wasn't my fault that you just happen to be shorter than me," you replied. He didn't say anything back, he just buried his face more into his bandana and huffed.

Sometimes Feitan wished he could be in a peaceful life with you. Just doing simple tasks like buying groceries or the two of you reading art books together. He was lost in his thoughts for a while until you tapped him on the head (which also got you an annoyed glance) and told him the two of you can head back.

At your home you tried your best at making something fancy with what you had. The best you could do was a fancy looking salad, with some fruits added for the flair. You two caught up on each others' lives, with you finding out about the eighth member of the troupe being killed by a Zoldyck.

"Sometimes, I worry that you might...I don't know, get hurt," you said, holding your cup of tea a little tighter.

"Why? I'm stronger than you, worry for yourself," Feitan retorted, stabbing a strawberry hard with his fork.

"I know," you laughed, you looked at him while he tried his best to avoid eye contact. He was still a bit shy, still the same as ever.

By the time you two were done with food and discussing which art book to read next, Feitan was called by Shalnark to come back for a drink with the rest of the troupe who made it to the city. He said that he would come back tomorrow, likely bringing something he stole with him this time.

"Yeah, I'll just be where I always am," you smiled. You followed him to the doorway, about to wave him goodbye until you had an idea.

"Fei, I was wondering...we've never really kissed before, right?"

He stopped, halfway out the door and slowly turning his head to you. He had a feeling of what you were planning to do next. Should he ask for a kiss? Sure, he did want to kiss you at some point, but what if he was weird for that? Is he weird?

"No, we haven't," he responded, turning his head away from you again. But you took his arm and made him face you.

"Do you want to?" you asked, your eyes connecting with his for a millisecond before he turned to look at the fading wallpaper.

"...sure," he sighed. He didn't expect you to actually kiss him but the next thing he knew he felt your soft lips on his.

"Hey, Feitan what took you so long?" Uvogin asked as Feitan entered the bar. He looked dazed, a little out of it but overall alright.

"Did something happen? With y/n?" Shalnark pointed at Feitan, and everyone now could see the slight tint of red on his cheeks. Feitan glared at them and didn't say a word.

"No, it's fine," he said, sliding into a seat next to Machi.

He wasn't going to tell them that you slightly lifted him up again, an endearing act but also a very, very embarrassing one. Feitan wanted to kiss you longer, maybe many more times. But for now, the first kiss was enough to send his heart racing.

[x0401x]

Jeweler Richard Fanbook Short Story #16

Feel free to message me about possible corrections, and please consider supporting the creators by purchasing digital copies of the official releases: Novel || Manga || Fanbook. In case anyone is feeling generous: Ko-fi | PayPal. ( ╹◡╹)っ’･*

← Previous || Index || Next →

Colombo’s Bookstore

Sri Lanka didn’t have as many bookstores as Japan. It had about three times as many used car shops as in Japan, I believed. But there were few bookstores.

In the first place, be them used car stores or bookstores, the shops were by no means big. This country was a tiny island with a national territory smaller than Japan’s, so lands that had forest reserves of local nature in them and real estate were probably valuable. If anything, I had an affinity for the place. But it was a pity that the bookstores were so few.

I often spent my time alone nowadays, so above all else, I appreciated having anything to read. I wasn’t the bookworm type, but there were just too many book-selling places in Japan. If you were getting off at some notable station in Tokyo, no matter which one it was, there would be at least one bookstore within walking distance. I also had a fresh memory of Saul-san telling me that “Japanese people really like their books”.

A street vendor was selling scissors in front of a bookstore in the sunlit streets of Colombo, the capital of Sri Lanka. Why did he decide to sell scissors by the road? And right before my eyes, a person on a bus riding slowly down the avenue was buying a pair of scissors from him. Did they have some bag that they wanted to cut open no matter what or something? I had no idea, but anyway, this was a world that operated with standards different from Japan’s, in which supply and demand were apparently well-established.

With glass doors, the bookstore had a magnificent structure and felt nice and cold when I stepped in. The study reference books were on the second floor, so I went up the arched stairs that parted to left and right, searching for the shelf that I was aiming for.

There you are.

I took three books from it, and when I went to the checkout, the female clerk, dressed in a sari, asked me, “Is this all?” in English. The official languages ​​of this country were English, Sinhala and Tamil, with English being spoken by both Sinhalese and Tamils. I believed she was Sinhalese. Because the sari was not a Hindu but a Buddhist thing.

“These are volumes 2, 3 and 4. What about volume 1?”

“I bought just volume 1 a while ago. And it was really good, so I also wanted to learn the rest from this book series.”

“So you’re studying Sinhala. That’s rare. Where are you from?”

“I’m Japanese,” I answered.

What I had come to buy was a Sinhala language study reference book. It was a book for people who couldn’t read Sinhala, so it was, of course, written in English. Even so, I had read it a little before traveling. I also found and purchased a Sinhala language study reference book written by a Japanese scholar, which I was able to buy in Japan.

Regardless, it was kind of useless for my range of understanding, so I almost felt like throwing it away before I could learn anything. I told Saul-san about this when asking him for advice, at which he burst into laughter and then bought me a red paperback book.

A Sinhala book written in English.

The letters were very large and there weren’t too many words. As for the quality of the paper, on the bright side, it was straw paper, and on the downside, it was gray and flimsy. But the contents were very easy to understand and the insides were firmly packed.

This reference book taught Sinhala letters first, as well as the meaning and pronunciation of each one. From that point onward, I couldn’t be more thankful for it. Sinhala was a language written with a Sinhalese alphabet, after all. In addition to vowels such as A, I, U, E and O, it jumped on to a variety of consonants and other symbols that stuck one letter to another like joints. It explained each of them carefully so that even people who didn’t know Sinhalese at all could understand them. This book solved a large percentage of the problem that I had stumbled upon, namely “I can’t find the commonalities and differences between letters, so I don’t know how to tell them apart and can’t organize them in my head”. I was grateful for that. There was no need to ask Richard-sensei for a foreign language course via international call all the time anymore.

That being said, there were many letters in Sinhala. Meaning that there were several pronunciations. You’d think that the Japanese syllabary was cute in comparison. Not all of it could be explained in one book, and the lectures were extended over to the second volume, but Saul-san had bought only one book, in case it didn’t suit me. The results were as could be seen. It was the same kind of joy as reading one book from a novel series and then buying all the sequels.

Learning languages was fun. By the looks of it, learning how to link them directly to communication was what worked for me.

“But can’t you live in Sri Lanka while speaking English, even if you don’t understand Sinhala? Are you on a business trip?”

“Something like that, but if possible, I’d like to talk to people using a Sri Lankan language. I’m Japanese, but I’ve had the experience of being a bit happy when someone from a foreign country spoke in Japanese to me, so now I guess it’s my turn.”

“You have so much free time, huh!”

I had no words to reply. The clerk and I burst into laughter without any reserve and finished the checkout. As I went down the arched stairs, I found a space where they were selling festival tools, stationery and picture books. Many of the same books were arranged on two sides.

Or so I thought.

But that was apparently not it. What I thought to be the exact same large-format picture books were the English version and the Sinhala version. You’d miss it if you were distracted because the pictures were the same, but the picture book, which was probably a Sri Lankan version of a “Japanese folktale”-like work, was published in two languages.

“Y’see, the ones who buy these are parents who want their kids to learn English. ‘Cause speaking English comes in handy.”

When I turned around, the clerk who had been at the cash register on the second floor was right behind me. It seemed she had come to see me off. Apparently, the cashier on the first floor called out to her, telling her to go back to work or something like that, to which she replied at length, and the two exchanged laughs. Maybe the people in this bookstore were cheerful, as not all Sri Lankans expressed their emotions so openly.

“This one is the ‘Mean Old Man’. This one is ‘The Perahera Festival’.”

“Can even a small child understand it well?”

“Of course. This book is big so that it’s easy to read to them.”

Indeed, it was a thin picture book of a size larger than A4. In Japan, it wouldn’t be strange for it to have an anime or manga-style art, but the art of this one had an ethnic touch to it, perhaps to match the contents. The colors were rich, the mean old man was drawn in a vile yet comical way, and the blue gradation of the feathers in a bird’s tail looked tasteful.

“Hum, excuse me. Can I buy this too?”

“You’re going to buy it? Do you have children?”

“I’ll read it myself.”

The clerk laughed again, but after a moment, she made a straight face and told me that it certainly might be perfect for studying. I bought the picture book at the cash register on the first floor. Either way, it cost about 500 Sri Lankan rupees, which was about 600 Japanese yen, but in the eyes of this country’s people, that was probably quite a high price. This was a world of 10 rupees for a loaf of bread and 3 rupees for a cup of tea. Thinking like that, I could understand why there weren’t many bookstores and why there were so few people here.

You can’t eat or drink books. They’re not daily necessities either, like clothes, scissors or toothbrushes. Being able to spend money on such things as if it were obvious must be a sign of wealth. My country was all the more disagreeable for having bookstores everywhere. I’d never thought about it that way.

As I took the receipt and said, “Stūtiyi”, which was “thank you” in Sinhala, the black-haired woman smiled, looked at my face and said in Japanese, “Thank you very much. We will be awaiting your return.”

“Amazing!”

“Thanks.”

And so, she told me that her husband had been working with sheet metal in Ibaraki, Japan, for a while. Her pronunciation of the words “Ibaraki” and “sheet metal” was really good. Apparently, her husband had started up a small company with the money he had earned as an immigrant worker and was its president.

With her waving a hand at me and telling me to be careful, I left the store.

Even though it was early spring, the sunlight in Colombo felt like that of midsummer in Japan. But I was growing quite fond of this glare. Everyone walking in the streets was wearing mid-sleeves, and if they were so inclined, beach sandals too, but the humidity wasn’t as high as in Japan, so I could think that, indeed, this was also spring. The white of the temple flowers blooming along the road was refreshing as well. They reminded me just a little bit of cherry blossoms. And from this street, I could clearly see my favorite landmark.

Colombo Tower, a tower that had the lotus flower as its motif.

It was a Tokyo Tower-like landmark, not visible from my base camp, the mountain town of Kandy, and although the shape was grandiose, it was still under construction and nobody could enter it. However, one day – I didn’t know whether that would be while I was still in Sri Lanka or after I had settled somewhere else, but – I definitely wanted to climb that. I would.

May I be a little more proficient in the language of this country than I am now by then, and if possible, may I get to have small talk in the tower.

With a modest goal and a new book, I treaded the way to Saul-san’s office.

[trutimeline]

idislikecispeople, The Most Infamous Dyscourse Blogger: Part 1.0, Rumors

idislikecispeople, also known as many names throughout her time on Tumblr (such as Adele, Kat, Mami, Samantha and Sayaka), was a former Tumblr blogger who became infamous for coining the term "tucute", among many other controversial things she has posted on her blogs. This was supposed to be one, very long masterpost about her, but Tumblr's post editor is a bitch and won't let me do that.

In this post, I'll be debunking or confirming rumors commonly spread about idislikecispeople. The rest of my posts about her will each be dedicated to a specific controversial belief she held or situations she got into. For simplicity's sake, I'll be referring to idislikecispeople as Kat for the rest of this post and future ones.

Rumors

Kat Coined the Terms "Truscum" and "Tucute"

Verdict: Partially True

Kat coined the term tucute, but she did not coin the terms truscum or transmedicalist.

Here's a screenshot of Kat's original definition of a tucute:

Transcript:

What is Tucute?

What does tucute mean?

Tucute is basically just the opposite of truscum, it’s a term and community for trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis individuals created to separate anti-truscum from truscum and to serve as a safe place from truscum and from cis people, where they believe that being trans requires dysphoria, we do not,where they think that being trans is a medical condition, we do not,and where they deny numerous gender identities on the basis that it “discredits the trans community” we do not.

What are the prerequisites to be a part of the tucute community?

You have to be trans, nonbinary, and/or non-cis in general

You have to accept all pronouns and gender identities

You haveto believe that dysphoria is not necessary to be trans

You have to dislike truscum

You cannot side with truscum or believe in their ideology

You cannot misgender anyone no matter how mad they make you

You cannot be an ableist whatsoever

Did you invent the tucute community? Why?

I indeed did coin the tucute term and community and anyone who says otherwise are creeps who are trying to steal it from me and redefine it for their own nefarious doings. I started this community so anti-truscum could separate themselves from truscum and cis people who are a part of the truscum community, it serves as a safe space from both truscum and cis people.

I’m cis, can I be tucute if I believe in your movement and want to help?

No, you can’t be tucute if you’re cis, you can only be a tucute ally, and you need to be sure to never speak for or over a trans person.

I see a lot of tucuties being just as harmful as truscum, what will you do about it?

There isn’t much I can do to them other than ask them to stop aligning with the tucute community, and of course, that doesn’t mean they will. Also be noted that truscum and cis people will pretend to be tucute just to tarnish the name of the tucute community, so tread lightly, you might be talking to a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Spread the word, use the tag #tucute and join the army today!

[A digital drawing of Sayaka Miki from Puella Magi Madoka Magica in her magical girl form, with a banner underneath her reading "Tucute 4 U!"]

(source) (source)

Kat Was a Cisgender Woman Who Lied About Being a Transgender Woman

Verdict: False

This rumor primarily comes from a post on Kat's oldest known Tumblr blog, chromaghost, where she claims that she wasn't MTF and only tagged a selfie as such because she thought that transgender people were "cool".

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: are you a mtf? i seen it tagged on one of your photos.

No lol. I wanted to post it to the tag because transgender people are cool :3

(source) (source) (source)

However, Kat addressed this post and made it clear she very much was a transgender woman multiple times on her later blogs. This claim can also be confirmed with nude photos Kat posted online, which I don't feel comfortable spreading, so you'll just have to trust me on that one. I also don't feel comfortable directly encouraging you to go and dig up those nudes, as most of her nude photos were either taken when she was a minor, spread without her consent and/or were uploaded because people pressured her into posting nudes to "prove" she was a transgender woman.

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: you bound with ace bandage in one of your selfies. i don't know what to think about you anymore. according to some people you're a 27 year old cis woman scamming us, but you say you're a 22 year old trans woman. i want to trust you but i don't know if i can. i'm sorry.

Rest assured I’m not 27 years old lol. What you’re referring to is a less than graceful ~art piece~ we did (”Playing a Boy” or something) on deviantART when we were 16/17 (?) and really ill-informed. I ask you to not take that as how I stand currently – as I have learned so much more since, and I have a penis and I was designated male at birth because of it (feel free to purchase a passcode to our nsfw blog to see for yourself). At the time we were developing breast tissue but still had to appear as a ‘boy.’ Don’t bind with Ace bandages, kids, it can damage your rib cage, something we didn’t know at the time.

(source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of two prescriptions, estradiol and spironolactone, both prescribed to Adele Sheffield.]

grandtran still gonna think I photoshopped it or what

(source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: In other words, you aren't gonna cough up the pics because you know you can't fake that shit because you're actually cis. Cool. BTW why do you keep changing your story about the blog, and if the blog was run by you when you were in denial about being trans because of self hate, why were the pics tagged mtf and you were constantly saying trans people were cool?

Yeah I’m not gonna do something for y’all and get nothing in return except more doubt from you, you see how one sided that kind of request is? Also its technically considered sexual harassment, just because its on the internet, you’re a coward (whats your username btw?), and you think I’m cis and you want me to prove time and time again to you that I’m dmab doesn’t justify sexually soliciting someone when they’re not comfortable in being solicited – for free no less.

At first I genuinely had no memory of that blog, it was only active for all of 2 months and for some reason I moved onto a new email and new tumblr, and I haven’t the foggiest why. As for the whole “me claiming to not be ~mtf~” I don’t have any memories from that time, I can only assume it was a lot of dysphoria fueled self-hatred and wanting to be seen/pass as a cis girl lesbian.

If you’re really gonna solicit nudes from a trans woman (a second time) as they do sex work to try and stay on their feet without offering anything in return just so your transmisogynistic ass can get off to trying to tell me my dick is fake isn’t classy at all. I perish the thought of what you’re parents would think of this behavior from you. But yeah, feel free to send some money to my paypal so I can get the gender markers on my records changed because that’s gonna cost a lot apparently, and I’ll definitely send you the dick pics you want. :)

(source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A picture of a a hospital bracelet on Kat's wrist. The patient's name is Adele Sheffield and her sex is labeled as "M".]

(source)

Kat Lied About Having Diabetes To Get Money From Tumblr Users

Verdict: False

This doesn't need much commentary from me, just view the screenshots below.

Transcript:

To the people who keep harping on me buying a $15 video game for my mental health 7 MONTHS ago “with my donation money,” well, here you go, some proof, links and screenshots provided

So for everyone spreading misinformation about me spending $15 on a video game for my mental health, here’s a full list of reasons why there is no way, shape, or form I spent my paypal money on it:

Yes, I spent $15 of my own money after selling one of my possessions, not denying it:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she shows off a copy of Fall Out: New Vegas, marked with a price of $14.99. The date of the post is marked as July 21, 2014 at 06:28.39 PM.]

Be sure to look at the date, July 21st, 2014 6:28 PM. Now lets look at my first donation post asking for help:

[A screenshot of a Tumblr post by Kat where she asks for donations to be able to afford insulin because she has no insurance. The date of the post is marked as July 20, 2014 at 08:14.00 PM.]

Hmm, one day before the purchase of said game, July 20th 2014 at 8:14 PM. Now, I’ve never heard of a video game store — much less a non-chain video game store accepting payment for video games in the form of virtual Amazon gift cards, have you? Oh, but you’re gonna say, “well you bought the game with your paypal donations anyway!” Well, here’s exhibit C:

[Another screenshot of a separate post made by Kat where she is also asking for donations to be able to afford insulin. The date of the post is marked as July 23, 2014 at 12:27.46 PM.]

Again, looking at the date of this posting which is the original donations post, you can see it was posted on July 23rd, 2014 at 12:27 PM, a full 2 days after I had bought the game. Now, if there’s no way for me to use Amazon gift cards for a real life video game store, then how can I go back in time a minimum of 2 full days to give past me $15 to buy said game, hm? This isn’t even accounting for the fact that I didn’t even have my own bank account associated with it until over a week later, and it surely doesn’t account for the fact that it takes up to 5 days to transfer from paypal to your bank account. All the dates are linked to the original unedited posts so you can see for yourself, and for added measure my first deposit was on August 14th, 2014:

[A screenshot of a deposit made by Kat. The date is marked as 08/14/14.]

Oh but yeah, anti-sjs, truscum, and the like took damniwishidthoughtofabettername’s postthey used to gaslight us with misinformation and you all bought it. Tell me how I could misuse donations that I could not use outside of Amazon and money I didn’t even start receiving until a full two days later, let alone the fact that there’s no way I could have transferred said money and used it two days prior as of the date of the paypal donations post.

I hope some of y’all could reblog this and get the word out, I’m sick and tired of people buying into that misinformation that person did solely to gaslight me as a means to try and disrupt my donations drive.

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

[A selfie of Kat holding up a vial of Novolin to the camera.]

Hey anon, I don’t feel comfy giving you my receipts (because doxxing is a thing) but here you go, a selfie with my most recent insulin purchase. 👽

(source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source) (source)

Transcript:

Anonymous asked: Getting desperate for money again I see. How is your fake diabetes lately. I bet your blood sugar is like 800 this time and you're still able to be alive somehow.

You got me, I’m ~totally faking~

[A selfie of Kat. In the background several items used by diabetics are seen such as insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.]

[A picture that gives us a closer look at the background of the previous selfie.]

[A selfie of Kat holding up two vials, one of Lantus and the other of Humalog.]

Gee, must be one dedicated faker, right? To have hundreds of dollars of insulin equipment and insulin itself. Hmmm… Insulin syringes, glucose tablets, a blood sugar tester and test strips.. oh and insulin, hmmmm….

Oh and because you didn’t learn from last time you don’t die instantly when your blood sugar goes over 600 lol, something anyone who studies endocrinology can tell you, and I would know, being a diabetic, having to be hospitalized numerous times for ketoacidosis where the blood sugar has been too high for too long. Things you clearly do not know and you’re just jumping on the disableist bandwagon. I have an idea of who you are anyway, just doing this for future reference.

(source)

[loviesun]

hanging - [ han jisung ]

pairing: han jisung x reader

genre: angst, slight fluff

a/n: hello! this is one of my drafts that i just made a few hours before my birthday, this is really short tbh and happy birthday to me :] this isn’t really good but anyways i hope u like it and also i’m not sad for my bday i just thought this one would be good so HEHE

fine sunny day, the skies were shining, the sun and it’s rays radiating around the apartment. watching the by the window pane, laying your head in his chest, reading a book to entertain yourself

meanwhile jisung silently sleeps and listen to you humming softly, and he puts his hands on your hair and strokes it softly, your soft hair running through his fingers

just as you were about to finish reading, the sun starts to set and you couldn’t stop looking outside. the sun slowly going down, the sky started showing orange and red. and by the time sets itself your eyes closed in time

he noticed you were already sleeping soundly, admiring your features, he couldn’t even stop thinking how you look good while sleeping. he scooped you up and moved you to your shared bed and set you down slowly not to cause any harm, and he slides himself in the duvet sleeping with you.

the sun started shining around your room again and you were awoken by the sound of your phone getting notifications from your friends, confused as to why they’ve blown up your messages

seeing then greeting you a happy birthday made you realize, you completely forgot that your birthday was today, how you’ve made a such a fool to yourself not remembering it was your birthday, a phone call stopped you from dozing off

“good morning y/n! happy birthday, anyways do you have any plans today?” your bestfriend asked you, you could hear her getting the amount of excitement

“morning, i don’t have plans today i think. maybe i would stay at home and maybe just sleep cause i’m tired” you said still yawning wanting sleep more

“nope i’m not allowing you to sleep today miss, we’re gonna have some fun today and go somewhere, why would you want to sleep all day on your special day” laughing at you because you we’re still dozing off even if you guys were calling

and there you were, preparing yourself for your outing with your bestfriend. she told you she wanted to bring you to this place that can make you feel happy and calm

of course you couldn’t wait for it, so you hurriedly went your way to your meet place. you saw her and waved you hand at her, after how many months of not seeing each other there you were both, you missed her

“anyways you ready to go there?” she questioned you because you looked so happy and so ready to go there because she mentioned it would make you feel calm

“of course i am, i can’t even wait to go there. c’mon let’s go already” you said while dragging her, you couldn’t stop your excitement either

just as you both we’re on your way to the place you stopped by at a store to buy some drinks, and you couldn’t choose anything but buy iced coffee

arriving at the place safe, you were confused as to why it was just a huge studio with no designs in the outside, but you didn’t mind.

“welcome to, the museum art studio y/n! i know this isn’t much but i know how much you love doing art and watching sculptures. your lucky i found this place so you better thank me” she said while acting mad but she isn’t mad at you cause it’s your special day

“i- this is amazing, how did you find this?” you were shocked of course, you expected to be something small and weren’t expecting it would be an art museum

your heart couldn’t stop the excitement, you were overwhelmed, taking pictures here and there, it felt like finally i felt happy. but it ended quickly when the both of you had to seperatw your ways because she had some errands to finish

you were walking around the streets and decided to visit your boyfriend jisung, making your way to the building. the staffs let you in because you’ve been there for a lot of times now, you were excited to see him and hug him telling him what happened today

“baby! hi!” you opened the door to see his head down low balancing it with his hands, you felt something was gonna happen but you didn’t mind

he slowly looks up and see’s you smiling with joy but filled with fear and negative thoughts that can be seen righ through your eyes

“hi baby, i didn’t expect you to come here” he said while standing up hugging you tightly

“we’re you surprised? i’m sure you did hehe” you said while hugging him back tightly resting your chin on his shoulder

you pushed him back and started to doubt if you were gonna ask him if he’s okay or not but you had no choice since you immediately had to open your mouth

“are you okay sung? do you wanna talk about it?” you asked while holding his cold hands

“now’s not the time to talk about it y/n, just don’t mind that okay?” he said while brushing your hands off and sitting back to the desk

“but it looks like it’s something important, you know you can tell me right” you went near him and tried to hold his hands again

“i told you not now! gosh can’t you even understand for once?” he screamed at you, showing you that he wasn’t feeling the mood

you were terrified, lowering your head down and stopped yourself, you didn’t want to ask him again

“okay..i’m sorry, i’ll let you have your time here alone” you said while exiting his studio, you know he wouldn’t

your heart felt heavy, did he forget? did he forget about your birthday? we’re you the reason as to why he got mad? was it all because of you? all of these unanswered questions made you feel anxious

walking home you stopped by to a cafe to buy a cake for yourself, choosing the one you want.

“what would you like me to put here?” the staff asked you

“happy birthday to me..please” you couldn’t answer properly, you couldn’t stop yourself from shaking

“okay i’ll get this ready for you then” she smiled at you while decorating the cake for you

you wandered inside the cafe and decided to sit down one of the chairs by the window, looking at the cars pass by, the people laughing smiling. meanwhile you, feeling empty, lost and forgtten

“here you go! oh and here this is on me, happy birthday” she said while handing out the cake with a free drink for you

“thank you” you said while smiling at her and left the cafe

making your way to your own apartment, you didn’t want to go to your shared apartment because you know he’d sleep at the couch again

it’s been awhile since you came back to your apartment, it wasn’t dirty, it was all clean and neat. just the way you left them

you set yourself down on the couch and set down the cake you bought for yourself, hugging your knees lowering your head down

hearing lots and lots of notifications popping up, not until a sudden call went off, looking at the name it was jisung, calming yourself down before answering the call

“hello?” trying your best not to be obvious

“where are you? please tell me” he said, you could hear his heavy breaths

“i’m sorry.” ending the call as tears started flowing out

you stood up and looked for a lighter, went you way back to the living room and as you settle yourself down you see hundreds of messages from jisung and the phone call went off

you didn’t mind it and decided to light the cake up, you were now in 5 missed calls from jisung but you didn’t bother to answer it

as the candle started burning, it lit your dark apartment and started to sing by yourself

“happy birthday to me..happy birthday to me.. happy birthday-“ you stopped singing and started sobbing, tears were now sticking through your soft cheeks

you stopped yourself from crying and started wishing for your birthday.

blowing the light off at the same time the doorbell rang, you closed your eyes and stopped breathing.

[hamburgerhelpersotherhand]

Almost Fate P2

Forty Quinn x Reader

Warnings: Nagging, other stuff probably

Notes: This is a sequel to an earlier writing of mine. I’m currently posting this because the other requests are taking longer for me to proof read. I guess it’s because I’m being pulled in multiple directions by school work? Surprisingly, the Visual Arts department was not built for online classes.

Part One -> https://hamburgerhelpersotherhand.tumblr.com/post/612751263373934592/almost-fate

RING!

What on earth is that noise?

RIIING!

You suddenly bolt off the bed you didn’t realize you were on. “SHUT U—“

Your roommate stands before you, one hand on her hip and the other holding out her phone. She turns off the ringer and stares you in the eye.

“So, now you wake up?” She says sternly. “Where were you last night? You didn’t pick up your phone.”

“It’s a long story.” You reply with attitude laced into your words. You hadn’t noticed it before, but you were now definitely aware of your hangover.

“How did I get in here? I didn’t have my keys last night.”

“I brought you in. You were passed out in front of the door.”

You gasp theatrically. “... Are you going soft on me now?”

“Never mind that, Y/N. Where is your bag? You had absolutely no ID on you. That’s dangerous.” Your roommate is starting to sound like your mother. You won’t admit it, but you kind of appreciate it on a good day. That’s not today. “Besides, you weren’t answering any of my texts or calls and you left the room a mess! I swear, the thought of you being kidnapped crossed my mind.”

“Please stop talking.” You blurt out and point to your head. “Migraine.”

“Then answer me this: Where is your phone and WHY isn’t it on you?”

“My phone?” You’re confused for a moment, but your memories catch up quickly. “MY PHONE! Dammit, I think I left it at the bar.”

“The bar? You were at a bar in the middle of the week nearing finals?” Here we go. “Y/N... I know you’re more responsible than this.”

“Look, I have today off. I can make it all better. I’ll even pick up a new textbook!” You give her a thumbs up, a symbol that everything will be alright.

“Something happened to your textbook?!” Oh okay, now you’ve really stoked the flames.

“While you’re already as pissed off as you’ll ever be, someone also snatched my purse with my dorm keys and wallet inside...” You’re already beginning to change into some clean clothing.

“Y/N, do you not care about your grades here?” Your roommate is looking more concerned than angry now.

“I do care.” You reply with a sigh. “Yesterday was just not my day. Nothing went how it should have and I really wish my closest friend was supporting me rather than nagging me.”

Ouch. She’s thinking over what you said. Honestly? That’s all you could ask for.

Never mind your roommate. You make your way out of your dorm, heading to the Student Services office to report your issue and get yourself a new key.

~

You don’t have a phone, no purse in sight and you definitely don’t have a wallet... but your new key is snuggly sitting in your back pocket and you find yourself with some cash in your secret pocket, given to you by the bar man you met last night.

You... really can’t remember his name, but you knew it was something odd.

While you do remember feeling guilty about the money, you also remember telling yourself to spend it well. Specifically to buy yourself a new textbook before class next week. Whatever is left can go towards your new phone.

Your mind is thinking of how funny it would be to suddenly run into your robber as you walk along the streets of Los Angeles. Would you ever see that hideous yet sentimental purse again?

You left campus a while ago, but didn’t bother getting yourself a cab. It wasn’t worth the little money you had.

Whatever. You need a textbook. Where do you find this exact textbook at this exact time of year?

A bookstore.

And this particular grocery store, which you so happen to find yourself walking by, seems to have one inside, lucky you!

~

You’ve stepped into Anavrin once or twice before.

You’ve never bought anything, though.

None of this appealed to you, but the first time you stepped foot in here, you followed behind your friend as she bought fresh lemons for a school project.

The second time you found yourself wandering Anavrin, you thought they would have a public bathroom. You didn’t bother asking, so if they did have one, you couldn’t find it and concluded that they did not.

Now, you found yourself wandering the rather pathetic excuse for a bookstore. You followed the alphabet and quickly made your way across. Your head was pounding and you felt restless. The faster you got this done, the sooner you could just sleep in a dark room and cry.

“Come here often?” You’re startled by a familiar voice and instantly recognize his stupid looking grin.

“Five.”

“It’s Forty.”

“Right.” For the sake of your own dignity, you hope not to make that mistake again.

“Wait. Let’s do another take.” He puts his hands up and turns around on his heel. “One, two, three...”

He spins back around to face you, a smile crossing his face once again. “Come here often?”

You can’t help but smile back and play along. “Only when I need a new textbook.”

“Oou, you think a grocery store carries college textbooks?” Hes cringing and you slap yourself in the face from a sudden wave of embarrassment.

How could you be so stupid...

“I’m kidding!” He puts his hands on your shoulders and lightly shakes you out of your own head. You definitely still feel that migraine. “They should be in storage and, since I’m feeling so incredibly generous, I’ll get Will to take them out for you.”

“Oh! Thank you!” You exclaim, very much surprised but mostly thankful for narrowly avoiding such an embarrassing scene.

“Hey old sport—“ He lets go of your shoulders and waltzes over to the bookstore clerk with an apron. You’re just out of earshot, but you can tell that this Will guy seems very disinterested in whatever Forty is saying.

While whatever happens over there happens, you begin to drift away and squint around at the rest of the store. You’re not particularly drawn to anything, but your head is killing you and you’re starting to really feel it.

Maybe... just maybe... you should of asked your roommate for a Tylenol or two.

“Are you doing okay?” He asks, a confused smile on his face. “You look like you’re about to burst into tears.”

“Heh, yeah. I think I might have a slight hangover. I’m fine though, really.” You’re smiling at him reassuringly.

His grin widens as he inhales. “I have just the remedy for your hangover!” His hands rest on your shoulders. “It’s called sleeping in.” Very funny. “Now, you probably haven’t heard of it but—“

You swat your hand infront of his face to grab his attention and frown. “I tried that but I have a bossy roommate.”

“Then maybe you should sleep over at my place.” His hands slide down to hug your forearms, his eyes are looking through yours for a reaction and you’re suddenly made aware of his statement.

“That’s—“

Thump!

“Your requested box.” Will huffs out and gestures downward.

You peer down to the large single cardboard box by your feet and immediately spot the familiar cover of the textbook you’re looking for. You reach down and fish it out of the box.

“This is it.” You say.

“Great! Hey, old sport... I’m gonna need you to bring that box back to where you found it.” Forty claps his hands together and Will reluctantly obeys. If only to get Forty out of his hair.

“Thanks for the help.” You say as you double-check the textbook in hand.

“It’s on me, so don’t mention it.” He gives you a charming wink. “Seriously though, don’t mention it because Calvin will have an aneurysm.”

He has quite the way with expressing himself. For the most part, Forty can keep a straight face as he describes the oddest of situations. You believe it’s one of the things that makes him a hoot to converse with.

“Do you have a phone number? I think my broken phone equals no phone number gag has run it’s course.” He states.

You cant help but laugh and nod your head. He hands you his phone and you quickly add yourself as a contact.

“I should get going now, before my roommate thinks I’ve gotten myself killed. Thank you again for the textbook!”

“See you around, Y/N.”

“Later, Five.”

“Forty.”

You did it again.

~

It’s been a couple days since you stepped foot into Anavrin.

The encounter with Forty was surprising and really did catch you off-guard. There’s a possibility that he had mentioned Anavrin by name and that it entered your subconscious when choosing where to go... but you felt that was too far of a stretch to call it your reality.

The equal possibility that you were fated to enter that exact building also crossed your mind, but you shot it down just as fast.

Well, anywho, you’ve gotten yourself a new phone with the same old phone number. Forty still hasn’t tried contacting you, but he may simply not be aware of your phone’s status.

Not that contacting you matters! You two are just acquaintances, right? Drinking buddies at most.

You’re currently sitting at the desk in your room, studying the useful new textbook Forty had given you free of charge.

It was very kind of him, but you really didn’t want this to become a regular occurrence. Not letting you pay and/or paying for you? That felt like a problem waiting to happen. Don’t get yourself wrong, you appreciate the gesture wholly, but you hate to be in a position of owing something to someone.

Like... that kiss.

Oh, look at you now. You’re blushing and you know it.

RING!

That’s... your phone. That’s your phone!

But wait, you’re studying. You really need to get your grades up with this final project if you want to stand a chance to get the hell out of this school.

But...... what good is studying if all you’re really doing is getting lost in your own head? You slam the textbook shut and answer the phone.

“Hello?” You say.

“Good, you gave me the right number. I almost believed you’d play me.”

“Is this Forty?”

“Hey! You got my name right.” He says excitedly. “So,” His voice moves into a whisper. “What are you wearing?”

“Um... sweatpants and a tank top?” You mentally slap yourself when you hear him chuckle and realize what the question implied.

“Hot.” He laughs and you smile embarrassingly. “Anyway, I would hate to cut into your studying but... Can I take you out tonight? I think you’d absolutely adore the place I had in mind.”

You feel you face heat up. “Uh— I finished studying earlier. What did you have in mind?”

“It’s a surprise, silly!” His tone likes to change a lot, as you’ve come to realize in your short time with him. “Wear something special for me, yeah? Okay, I’ll pick you up at 8.”

[southomens]

Day 8 of Ineffable Holiday: Holiday Shopping

Hello! I’m writing my little comment at the beginning this time as this turned out to be a longer fic (~1500 words), maybe ignited by a ridiculous amount of alcohol and some sober editing. 

This is Day 8 of an #IneffableHoliday prompt list. Check the hashtag or follow @soft-angel-aziraphale because there is some lovely art posted :)

As always, you can also find it on Ao3 here. Feel free to leave me a comment, I’m addicted to those :)

“Oh, no. No, no. Bad luck for us would actually mean dreadful luck. It’s not something we should be risking. Big risk fan, me, though. But not today, I think n-” his rant was halted by two warm hands cupping his cheeks. Crowley could feel the blood rushing up his neck as he opened and closed his mouth looking for something to say. He gave up and then relaxed, soothed by the comfort of being held by Aziraphale. Time seemed to slow down as the angel closed the space between them and paused just an inch away from him, hesitating. Crowley could not stand it any longer and grabbed him by the lapels, making Aziraphale gasp, to finally, finally kiss him.

It seemed that the freezing wind could not dissuade people from shopping. Perhaps it was due to how close they were to Christmas Eve, perhaps it was that it was the thing to do that evening. Aziraphale dodged yet another grandma carrying more bags than she should be able to.

“Oh, dear, this is a nightmare!” the angel complained.

“Uh, well, you did say you wanted to go shopping for the holidays so you are having the complete experience,” Crowley answered, shrugging it off.

“I did, but it seems I wasn’t completely aware of what I was saying… This reminds me of Hell, with all the people and the queues and everyone running. Look at them, not even one of them is enjoying themselves!” he was shocked, trying to understand what was going on around him.

“It’s the 23rd, of course nobody is enjoying shopping. They’re desperate! The last ones, those who have slothly postponed over and over again their duties and now they are paying for it. It’s brilliant!” Crowley grinned.

“Brilliant? Wait, Crowley. Was holiday shopping your idea?” Aziraphale stopped walking and a man bumped into him before continuing his way without apologising. 

“Uh, not exactly. I wish it had been, I mean, turning a religious holiday into Hell? It’s genius! They beat me to it, but I got credit. So, if anyone asks, yeah I did come up with the last minute holiday shopping.” 

“Dear fellow, how many more things did you give yourself credit that I don’t know of?” Aziraphale asked, partially amused by it if it weren’t for the constant bumping with people and the general unpleasant ambient.

“That you don’t know of? Plenty. Yeah, many of them. About two per year? It was my job, innit?” 

“My goodness, and did they believe you? That seems like a rather big amount of lies, Crowley.”

“That’s right. You’re talking to the serpent of Eden. The original sin. The first tempter. I’m quite a good liar, you know? Telling people what they want to hear” they had started walking again but now people seemed to diverge their path just to let them pass, in a way that reminded Crowley of Moses.

“How would I know? I mean, if you are such a good liar, as you said, I wouldn’t be able to notice when you lied to me. So I guess not, I don’t really know,” Aziraphale explained. He had always assumed that Crowley, being a demon, wouldn’t always tell him the truth. It was expected of him, it was in his job description.

“Well, I don’t lie to you,” the demon pointed out. “What would be the point? You would probably get so mad at me that we wouldn’t speak for a century or so, which has happened in the past even though when I was telling you the truth, and that’s something I’m not willing to go through again. Not good. Well, the nap was good. But everything else sucked pretty badly. Did you know I woke up in the middle of World War II? Let me tell you, it was not a pleasant surprise.”

“And yet you came to rescue me,” Aziraphale slyly smiled at Crowley.

“Yeah, well. That’s what friends do. Or so I’ve heard,” Crowley shrugged it off and entered the first shop he saw, a decoration store filled with Christmas trees of all shapes, colours and materials, a wide variety of presents, shiny rolls of wrapping paper and intricate ornaments, as well as funny accessories with a consistent holidays pattern. They were surrounded by Santa Clauses, reindeers, snowflakes, trees, presents, bells, mistletoe, stars, red and green imprinted everywhere. A Christmas carol could be heard above the noise all the potential shoppers were making in their frenzied purchases.

“Oh, look at this, Crowley!” Aziraphale said, putting on a headband with reindeer horns. A bunch of tiny bells sewn to it jingled. “It’s adorable!” the demon looked at him, his beaming smile and his blonde curls, and blushed.

“You look ridiculous, angel.” he said, immediately turning around and faking interest on whatever stupid thing was standing on that particular shelf. He fiddled around, willing the blush to disappear.

“You should try those ones over there.” Aziraphale said, peeking over Crowley’s shoulder.

“What? No! These? No, not in a million years, nuh-huh. I’ve got standards. Unlike some people around here.” 

“Whyever not? They’re fun. And you like sunglasses,” Aziraphale insisted, having way too much fun in Crowley’s opinion. The demon sighed, took off the pair he was currently wearing and put on the heart-shaped ones Aziraphale was pointing at. He turned around, defeated.

“Oh! Oh, you look utterly adorable!” the angel jumped on his feet and clapped. “We must buy these.”

“Why? They’re made of plastic, angel. No sense of aesthetics. These - they’re hideous! It’s humiliating,” he whined as Aziraphale took him by the hand and led him to the counter, where there was no queue to wait. “You do realise this can be considered torture, right?”

“Oh, hush. I will wear this headband so you don’t feel ridiculous - not that you look ridiculous. I insist, you look adorable.” Crowley felt like he was about to combust any minute now. Not knowing anything better to do, he tried to bit back.

“How is that supposed to help? I’m not adorable, I shouldn’t look like it. I’m a demon” Crowley moaned as Aziraphale ignored him and paid for both articles. They exited the shop and went on to the next one.

“I love this shop, I love how it smells even from the outside. Marvelous,” Aziraphale briefly sniffed around before opening the door to let Crowley in. Three counters, forming an inverted U, received them. They were filled with a wide variety of sweets, treats and chocolates, each of them more intricate than the other. Aziraphale wiggled in excitement before approaching one of the clerks.

“Hello,” the angel greeted with his usual kindness. “I would like to have the usual, if you please.”

“Right away, Mr. Fell,” the lady answered before going to the backroom.

“They know you here.” Crowley said, not impressed in the least. Aziraphale was probably known in every chocolate shop in the entire United Kingdom. Probably also in Belgium, Switzerland and France. And any other country that may have chocolate shops.

“Oh, yes. It has been one of my top twenty-five chocolate shops in London for quite a while now. I’m surprised I haven’t bring you here before,” Aziraphale answered. 

“I guess we still have things to show the other…” Crowley muttered. 

“Quite right, dear.” the angel smiled shyly. “It keeps things interesting, wouldn’t you say so?”

Once Aziraphale had his box of chocolates, they both agreed they had had enough of the Christmas shopping experience. Crowley led the way to a small winery closeby. It was crowded, but once again, they were lucky enough to not have to wait before having a seat in a small corner. 

The demon was still wearing the hideous glasses while Aziraphale moved his head from time to time just to make the tiny bells on his headband jingle.

“Two red wines for the loveñy couple…” the waitress placed two cups on the small table as Crowley struggled to say something.

“Thank you, dear,” said Aziraphale instead as he tried to hide a smirk behind his glass. “Hm, this is quite nice.” The demon agreed to it even though he hadn’t had a sip yet. He had always enjoyed those moments when Aziraphale would show his most bastard side and it had been nice to openly do it with the freedom they now enjoyed. But there was this smugginess about him today that was disconcerting.

They kept drinking for a couple of hours, idly chatting and discussing about that first time they celebrated the winter solstice and that other time where they got drunk on eggnog and then regretted it. They fell into a comfortable silence. Aziraphale looked around, taking in the surroundings and the people around them when he noticed something hanging from the ceiling. He opened his eyes widely, the epitome of shock.

“Is that… is that mistletoe?” Aziraphale asked, gesturing with his index finger towards it.

“Whuh?” Crowley had been sprawled over the table for a while now, the glasses no longer sitting properly on his nose. He looked to where Aziraphale was pointing. “Huh… I guess it is?” there was no point in denying it.

“Well. We ought to do something about it. Otherwise it’ll be bad luck. I think.” Crowley stood up straight, startled. 

“D- do you mean… Like, uh, that we should…” he trailed off.

“Kiss, yes.” Aziraphale said. “Unless you want to risk the bad luck.”

[hanniiesuckle17]

Human

A/n: Again not requested but I wanted to do it. Requests are open btw!

WARNINGS: swearing, bangchan being freaking swoon worthy

Member: Bangchan ft. Seungmin (and obviously a couple other members)

Summary: Your friend (we are just gonna call her Irene idfk) had this huge crush on your brother's friend, who you didn't really know that well but you were really chill with everyone and you agreed to help her. Over time you slowly inch yourselves into your brothers friend group, but what happens when feelings go different ways.

Genre: student au, school au, dancer reader!au, fluff, angst towards the end.

Get ready. This is about to be long. Part 2?

(Also I honestly should be writing my next chapter for my fic on quotev or doing hw but I'm doing this instead. Love that.)

_________________________________________

"He is just so cool! Why won't you help me?" Your friend Irene pleaded from her spot on your bed. I lay on my bedroom floor with my legs propped up against the wall. Her long hair fell off the side of my bed as I looked over at my bestfriend since fourth grade.

"I don't even know him!" She sighed, clearly distraught. "He's friends with your little brother, right?" I scoffed. My brother Jeongin had immediately befriended the boy whomst our conversation was about. The boy in question was a senior exchange student at our school named Bangchan, but my brother only referred to him as Chan. "How the hell am I supposed to get him to-" "I'll buy you sushi from the corner store every friday."

"Really?" I flipped over to send her an intense stare. "Really." Irene returned the look with a smile. "Every other day." She looked up in thought, probably imagining her wallet screaming. "Deal!" I scooted over and we did our bestfriend handshake.

"YAH! YANG JEONGIN!" I screamed at my little brother, causing Irene to laugh beside me. "WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?" My brother yelled from what what sounded like downstairs. I heard laughter as well which meant he probably had a couple of the boys over. I motioned for Irene to follow downstairs.

Before we could finish descending the staircase, I stopped in my tracks, causing Irene to bump into me. "Y/n what the hell-- Oh." I could practically hear the smirk in her voice. He sat in my living room looking ironically perfect. The boy who I had painstakingly had a crush on since the fourth grade. My brother sat with him and our friend Jisung on the couch. I still don't understand why he affects me this much. I hang out with him, Jisung, my brother, and our friend Felix all the time.

"Oh, hey Y/n!" Kim Seungmin said with a smile that cause his eyes to crinkle on the sides. "Uh- I- Hi!" Something about him caused me to turn from my usual cool character into a lovesick little girl. The worst part was I didn't mind. "Did you want something, noona?" My brother asked, grabbing my attention again.

"Oh. Yeah, are you guys going to practice tonight?" Seungmin, Felix, and his friend Changbin were all on the football team. The boys would go to all the games and practices to support them and occasionally I would come along (for the view). They nodded and told us they were leaving in about ten minutes. "You mind if we tag along?" Jisung quickly agreed with me and said he would drive us.

"Great! We'll be back in a sec!" I quickly shoved Irene back up the stairs and tossed her a pair of my jeans before trading out my sweatpants for another pair of denim pants. "Why are we going to the practice again?" I threw on a crop top and a light oversized jean jacket. "All of the boys go to support the team. Also I would like an excuse to stare at Seungmin without anyone finding out that I think he is hotter than Minho thinks his reflection is." She chuckled and grabbed a crop hoodie from my closet, knowing I was used to her borrowing my clothes.

The two of us rushed downstairs and got into Jisung's jeep, which he and I often went off roading in after a heavy rain. As we got out of the car, Seungmin came to walk beside me. While he had to leave to get changed, we followed the other boys up into the bleachers and to a pair of boys I vaguely recognized sitting in the middle of the risers. While my brother and Jisung sat next to them, Irene and I sat on the riser below them.

"Chan, Woojin you remember my sister." I looked at the boy my brother identified as Chan and immediately realized why Irene was so infatuated by him as he shook my hand. He was obviously older than us, most likely a fourth year, yet he had this youthful glow about him. He had a bright smile with a cute pair of dimples and fluffy dirty blonde hair. "I'm Y/n and this is my friend, Irene." He smiled at me, his dimples showing as he greeted the both of us. The six of talked as we waited for the team to come out.

"That is the worst name you could possibly have in a high school!" Bangchan laughed. "I'm not lying! My Pre-Cal teacher's name actually is Mrs. Head!" I tried to convince them through laughs that I was indeed telling the truth. "No way!" Irene wiped a tear from her cheek, smiling ear to ear. "The worst part about it is that she's a mouth breather too." With that Jisung laughed so hard he fell backwards between the riser and the ground, effectively causing his butt to become stuck. Everyone but my brother couldn't stop laughing. He just look at us in confusion.

"I don't get it." Jisung leant up about to whisper in my brother's ear. "Hey! Let's save some of his innocence." Chan breathed out between laughs. The coach's whistle sounded and the team came out. We all cheered, but the rest of the group soon went back to their conversation. I however was fixated on player number Six, Seungmin.

"Yeah! Go, Seungmin!" I shouted after he caught a pass from Changbin in a scrimmage down field. I thought I felt someone looking at me, but when I turned all I saw was Bangchan who was watching Irene and Woojin talk about choir. Shrugging it off, I went back to watching the practice.

The coach signaled the team to go in about an hour and a half later, and by then we were the only people left in the stands. My friends moved to the back of the bleachers to wait for our other friends, but I stayed and walked to the fence that lead to the field. Immediatley I spotted Seungmin as he ran towards me taking off his helmet, a huge smile across his face. "Hey, Mr. All Star." I said as he reached me, wrapping and arm around me over the waist high fence. "What's up, Twinkle Toes?"

I blushed at his nickname for me. Ever since he found out I studied ballet, he has held the only girly thing about me over my head for the past four years. I looked down as he laughed at my reaction, blush creeping to my cheeks. "Wait for me?" I nodded and he jogged off to the locker rooms.

I couldn't keep the smile off my face as I walked back to my friends. As I rounded the corner I saw Felix and Changbin were already with everyone. As soon as he saw me he screamed, "Y/N!" The blonde boy sprinted towards me, lifting me over his shoulder and spinning me in circles. "FELIX IF YOU DON'T PUT ME DOWN RIGHT FUCKING NOW I WILL SCRATCH OFF EACH OF YOUR FRECKLES WITH THE REMAINDER OF YOUR GAME CONSOLE!" He laughed, placing me with two feet on the ground.

His smile disappeared when he pulled away and saw the scowl still on my face. "Oh shit. Are you really mad at me?" I smacked him upside the head and broke into a smile. "Ehhh! I knew it! Honorary Aussie Activate!" We high fived each other and screamed, "AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE, OI OI OI!"

Everyone except for probably Chan and Woojin ignored the two of us, used to our relationship. Soon Seungmin joined us and we all stood outside the stadium talking. With the night getting later, a cool breeze started to blow and I started to shiver. "Are you cold?" Chan asked. I shook my head no, but felt something being put around my shoulders. I turned to see Seungmin next to me wrapping his Letterman around my shoulders.

I blushed and pulled the fabric closer to my body. Far too soon, it was getting close to Jisung's curfew and he was our ride, therefore we all went our separate ways and headed home. When we dropped her off, Irene pulled me aside and said, "Do you think you could maybe hang out with Bangchan a little more and get some info for me?" I shrugged. He seemed like a pretty cool guy anyway. She smiled and kissed my cheek telling me to text her tomorrow morning.

I got back in my spot up front with Jisung and he drove us back to our house. Before I could get out of the car, Jisung stopped me. I turned to find him tapping his turned cheek. "I want a goodbye like Irene!" He whined. "You want to know how a girl kisses?" His eyes went wide for a second and then the sophomore vigorously nodded. I could see my brother shift in the backseat. I grabbed his cheek and gave it a long wet lick. "EWWWW Y/N!" He wiped his cheek with his sleeve as Jeongin and I laughed.

"Bye, Jisung!" I called back as we entered the house. Going up to my room, I changed into pjs and got ready for bed. Before I could get under the covers, my phone dinged with a notification. Picking up the device from my night stand, I opened Messenger.

UNKNOWN: hiii🙂 umm it's Chan! Ur brother gave me ur number

Y/n: Um Heyy! Why did you need my number?

Channie: Well u see I have this project for my musical composition class that deals with mixing two art forms that dont normally mix. And Jeongin told me u do ballet. I was wondering if u could help me?😅🙏

He was literally making free sushi the easiest thing ever. He would finish his project, Irene could get her info. It was a Win, Win, and Free Sushi for Y/n!

Y/n: Yeah! Sure! When do you want to meet?

Channie: Is tomorrow during eighth too soon😅

Y/n: nope! I can do that!

Channie: great! U r a life saver!

I smiled thinking this was going to be easier than I thought. I climbed into bed and looked at the Letterman on my desk. After hesitation, I got up and slipped the jacket on before climbing back into bed, and I honestly was not ashamed that I slept in that shit.

_________________________________________

At the beginning of eighth period the next day, I went to the room Chan texted me with my shoes in hand not knowing what to expect. To my surprise he had just asked me to meet in the choir room. Bangchan sat at the piano with a laptop sitting atop the instrument. He played a few chords and then jotted something down on a notepad next to him. "Knock, knock?" He turned at my voice and smiled, his dimples appearing in a cute way. "Look at you coming prepared, shoes and everything!" I laughed and sat next to him when he motioned me to.

"So, I kind of told you what this was about last night." The boy with messy blonde hair and headphones around his neck said. "For my senior project I wanted to try and mix a rap/hip hop/EDM track with ballet choreography. I thought that might make a really cool visual representation on what the project is about." I nodded as I followed along with the older boy's thought process.

"The problem is I am just terrible at classical music, I mean I've had classical training and I took a few ballet classes when I was young, but I just know the bare minimum and that I absolutely cannot do the splits." My mind pictured Chan in one of my classes, my instructor telling him to push his long ass legs down into the splits and I couldn't help but laugh. "Anyway, I was just hoping you could help me adjust the music so it would be easier to choreograph for ballet and maybe dance to it as well....hopefully. You want to listen?" I nodded and he took the headphones around his neck and placed them over my ears, chuckling when they fell down a little too low.

His long fingers reached over and pressed play on the laptop and a soft electronic beat filled my ears. My eyes closed as I listened to the track. It wasn't what I expected it to be based on how he described his idea. It was incredibly complex, but nonetheless pleasant to the ear. My fingers tapped out the beat on my leg and I could kind of see where he was going to add in lyrics or where he might add a bass drop, or switch to the underbelly track. When the song ended, I removed the headphones and looked at the boy next to me.

He smiled and asked if I wanted to listen to it again. I nodded and went to put on my shoes while he switched out the headphones for a wireless headset. Moving to a clear space in the room, Chan started his track again and I just let my feet do what was natural and remembered the beats that could be changed. I kept my movements small so not to go full out in the tiny space. I marked places where I thought maybe a saut de chat or lift might work. As the second bass dropped I tried doing a fuete keeping my feet en pointe and straight. I could feel Chan's eyes on me, but I focused on marking the rest of the song.

Coming down from my toes, I slid the headset from my ears and went to stand in front of the fourth year boy. "I think I can help you." He beamed up at me excited for the project ahead.

A few months had passed and I had spent most of my time with Bangchan working on his project. Most days I could be found in the choir room with him, or at his house in his makeshift recording studio (i.e. his mother's basement). I spent most of my free time with Bangchan whether we were working or not. Usually Chan and I spent free nights on his bedroom floor watching some show he found or hanging out with Jisung and Felix at the diner near my house. I hadn't heard from Irene in weeks. And to be honest, I hadn't noticed she didn't call.

Chan slowly began to replace her as my bestfriend. Nights in with her became afternoons out with him. Morning calls from Irene turned into late night calls from Chan waiting for the sun to come up. He even became my new source for Kim Seungmin problems and how to solve them.

Although, I hadn't heard from Seungmin lately either. It wasn't unusual. This time of the year he usually hid away and focused on his studies so he could still play on the team. I almost forgot what my life was like before I saw Chan every day after school.

It was the friday before the last away game for our school and I arrived early to the choir room to meet Bangchan. He texted me saying that he had almost finished the lyrics for the track so, I decided to come early and set his things up for him. His laptop was set on the piano and both our notebooks were on the bench. I rolled up the hem of my jeans and took off my sneakers. All of a sudden the door burst open and the room was filled with the sound of giggling and hushed whispers. My head shot towards the door and I froze at the sight.

"Y/n?" Seungmin pushed away the girl whose lips were attacking his neck. His cheeks were flushed and his lips were swollen. My brain screamed for me to run, but my muscles wouldn't move. I tried to keep from bursting into tears at the sight of him with someone else. The girl turned and seeing her face felt like a thousand blows to the stomach. "Oh. Hi, Y/n." Irene.

I wanted to say something. I wanted to scream. My eyes burned as I tried to keep back the tears. Seungmin just stared at me jaw slack. Silent. I couldn't hide the pain on my face and Irene scoffed. "Please, you know he never liked you." Something about her small smile didn't allow me to turn away. "It's only fair."

I couldn't take it anymore. My bare feet pushed myself away from the room. If I didn't leave now I would be stuck there; a prisoner of my own heart and mind. I ran down the hall tears finally spilling over and clouding my vision. My body collided with someone's chest and the force sent my already shaky legs tumbling to the floor. "Y/n?" I hid my face and scrambled to my feet. Can't I just get out of here? "Wait! Y/n!" The person yelled after me.

I let my feet carry me as fast as they could, not caring where. My hands reached for the nearest door and finally found a place of solitude. I placed my hands on the wall and tried to brace my shaking hands and legs. Crying wasn't something I was ashamed of. I was just hurt and embarrassed. My chest started to feel tight and there was a pain in my forehead. I tried to focus through the tears to see I was in the empty boys locker room. With shaking hands I placed a hand on my chest as the room started to tilt and spin.

I couldn't breathe.

I stumbled through the locker room and my head started to spin. My hands found a metal knob and I desperately turned it feeling the tiniest bit of relief when the ice cold water hit my skin. The tile wall was the only thing holding me up as the freezing water drenched my hair and clothes. I couldn't stop thinking about them. What she said. How she was right. How I didn't understand. My legs finally gave out and I collapsed onto the floor trying to take deep breaths through the sobs. I clutched my head trying to relieve the pain I felt there. I wanted to scream. I wanted to keep crying but it hurt to do so. My head slowly lowered itself to my knees and I tried to make myself as small as possible. The harsh feel of the water left red marks on my skin as I tried to stifle my cries.

A pair of arms tried to wrap themselves around me, but I struggled against them shouting to leave me be. After awhile, I felt nothing. I looked up to see Bangchan sitting in front of me, letting the cold water fall onto him. His hair and shirt had already drowned in the water. He just looked at me with almost recognition through his wet blonde locks.

"Don't look at me." I managed to say through broken sobs. "Why?"He cocked his head trying to find a way to make contact with my E/c eyes. My mind struggled to find an answer that made sense.

"I-I don't want you to see me break." "Bullshit." His harsh words shocked me and made me jump back a little. He could see his outburst wasn't the right thing to do. "Y/n did you expect him to run in here and apologize for breaking your heart?"

"No, but-"

"This is what heartbreak feels like. It is a literal and figurative battle in every sense of the word. The thing is....." He struggled to find the right words, he himself knowing he could accidentally set me off in my fragile state. My body had started to shiver from the water, but my face still felt the hot tears rolling down my cheeks.

"It's not glorious. It's not beautiful, and it's definitely not heroic because we can't even save ourselves from how we feel. The thing is you are going to get your heart broken again and again and again. I can promise you that. It is the one sure thing in life. It's going to happen until you look like this."

Drops of water fell onto his skin, as he held my gaze. "One day it isn't going to hurt anymore and you will be able to wear your battles proudly on your sleeve. And it won't be because some guy came and rescued you."

He paused a moment letting me process what he said. The sound of the water hitting the tile echoed throughout the room.

"Heartbreak just means we are human."

After a couple minutes of silence I realized he was done speaking and looked up at him. All he did was gently wrap an arm around my waist and pull me into his chest. His fingers tangled themselves in my wet hair and he held me against his body, which felt safe and warm. He traced soothing patterns into the skin on my side to calm my sobs.

Bangchan didn't try to get up. He knew I wasn't ready. He simply let me sit in his arms and be human for a fleeting moment.

Part 2

Masterlist

[raiswriting]

muse

request: art major!reader w law major!doyoung pls :cc bullet note format if u can!!!

a/n: he’s a year older than you but it doesn’t matter that much

warning: a few swear words oopsie

genre: fluffy college!au

pairing: doyoung x reader

summary: ummm basically just how you and doyoung meet and get to know each other

word count: 5.1k (oops)

lets GOOOOOOOO

okay so basically college has been a JOURNEY

people ALWAYS had some shit to say as soon as they found out you were an art major

it was usually “what are you going to do with that” “do you know how unsteady that career path is”

liKE I GET IT

do they really think they’re telling you something new????

oh I’m sorry your majoring in business Susan™ and you decide to throw away your passions just because some high school counselor told you that you wouldn’t be able to support yourself but IM going to make my passion a career

lol sorry I have a lot of feelings

now onto how you met your mans doyoung

your freshman and sophomore years, you had only seen him in passing

tbh you barely recognized him when you saw him more than once

you knew him as “that one dude that i always see in the dining hall wearing suits”

then junior year you got a job at the convenience store on campus (lets get this BREAD)

pls tell me it isn’t some weird niche thing that only my school has

aNyWHO he started coming in around 2 am right before closing

and ALWAYS picked up 3 coffees all of which had double shots of espresso

this happened about 2 or 3 times a week

(which is very unhealthy guys gals and nonbinary pals pls try to drink cold water instead, it helps wake me up or green tea)

so despite seeing him so often at work, he began to appear less and less everywhere else

were you lowkey kinda sad about it???

mAYhaPS

that was until winter quarter started

you needed an elective class, SO you figured ‘eh why not take philosophy’ you had heard around that the professor is really chill and overall the class wasn’t supposed to be that bad

WELL GUESS AGAIN

 because that really nice professor that everyone loved isn’t the one teaching the class this quarter

but hey you figured let’s go into this with an open mind and hope for the best

well on day one of this class (which is a 9 am by the way) guess who struts through the door

mister “that one guy i’d always see wearing a suit” who became mister “that one dude who always buys too much coffee at 3 am”

the man… the myth…… the legend………….MISTER KIM DOYOUNG

yep and ya boi decided to sit 2 seats down from you, it was too far to say hi or anything (esp bc you had never really spoken to him before) but like he was also just close enough for it to be awkward

so class went by normally you found out that the new professor wasn’t THAT bad but there was definitely gonna be a lot of work involved

so yeah life carries on as normal

you still see him all the time at the convenience store

one night it had been a particularly rough shift

your alarm didn’t go off, so you were running late, it had started to rain on your walk to work, and when you finally got there your manager apparently had someone piss in his cheerios because he had S U C H an attitude because you were

 TWO

MINUTES

LATE

you were sat behind the counter after what felt like hours of sweeping and mopping the floors

that’s when he walked in

you didn’t even lift your head to greet him as “hi, welcome” crawled itself out of your mouth

you did however notice when he sat his 3 cans of coffee in front of you

“hey your y/n right?”

 “that’s what it says on my nametag”

“haha yeah it does. i think i have you in my philosophy class”

when you finally met his eyes, you felt a little bad

you had kinda been giving him the cold shoulder for something that wasn’t his fault

 you gave him a little smile

“yeah i am. doyoung right?”

he nodded slightly

the air was a little awkward and silent as you scanned his coffees

as you handed him the receipt he asked “hey do you maybe want to study together sometime. i mean our test is in like two weeks and it’s a quarter of our grade so like if you were free we could hang out and get some work done?”

dUDE you froze

here he was standing right in front of you; messy hair, sweatpants, a sweatshirt repping your school logo and looking very nervous (but very attractive lmao)

i guess your reply took a little too long because he quickly started to back peddle

“i mean if you prefer to study alone that’s cool. i just always see you during lecture and you look like you understand the material and sometimes i get a little lost in terminology but if you don’t want to that’s fine too.”

you quickly snapped out of your haze

 “no, no. i would love to study with you. here let me give you my number so we can meet up. most of my classes are in the morning so any time after like noon should be fine.”

 you grabbed his receipt back and quickly scribbled your number on it before handing it back

“just text me when you want to get together”

 okay honestly you had never been one to give out your phone number just like that and you didn’t really like studying with people

but something about him made it so hard to say no

you just had this urge to get to know him

so when he texted you a few days later asking if you were free to study that night

of course you said yes

and it went pretty smoothly

he has a much better understanding of the material than he let on at first

he even ended up helping you understand a few things

you got together w few times over the next couple of weeks

each time you met you got to know each other more and more

yall quickly became friends

well yall became friends after the first night studying because lets be real it was awKWARD

like neither of you felt particularly comfortable yet because this was the first time you had actually hung out with each other despite knowing of each other’s existence for two years

oh yeah that’s something you found out after getting to know one another

 he had always seen you around campus and wanted to get to know you but never did because he thought it’d freak you out having a random stranger coming up to you like

‘hey I know you don’t know me but I see you all the time. let’s be friends.’

which isn’t THAT crazy but to each their own

okay but let’s jump to the time 2 days before your exam

you guys agreed to meet up at the library and the plan was to study for A WHILE just to make sure you were prepared ya know?

so like you get there and he was already sitting in a room waiting

 when you open the door he gets up to hug you

which he hasn’t ever done before

and like tbh he was really warm and smelled really nice like it his cologne wasn’t too strong, and it smelt sweet but also very inviting which isn’t really a scent but like do you get me? and he gave a really tight hug like the type that you didn’t want to let go of it felt as though you could stay there forever (this is also where you lowkey start having feelings for him but shhh because you don’t realize it yet)

so back the point

obvi you start studying and besides the hug nothing was really that different

you got through the material, quizzed each other, talked a bit

ya know the usual

time flew by and the next thing you know it’s 12:30 am and the library would be closing at 1 so you decide to wrap it up

“alright doyoung i’ll see you in class. get some rest before the test okay?”

 “yeah yeah i will” he rolled his eyes a little bit

 “seriously dude. i know you. go straight to sleep when you get back to your place”

he worried you sometimes. He really wanted to do well and the applications for law school were opening up soon, so he’s been kinda stressed no matter how much he tried to hide it and this test coming up isn’t helping

“i will. i promise.”

he walked you out of the library and you two would usually part ways and walk alone to your apartments

before you could turn and say goodbye doyoung was already speaking

“hey it’s a lot darker out here than usual”

you looked up at the pitch-black sky

“yeah I guess it is, oh well at least I have my pep-“

 “what? you have your pepper spray right?”

“no i forgot that i let my roommate borrow it. she’s going to a sorority thing and won’t be back until like 3 or 4. it’s fine though my apartment is only like a 10-minute walk. goodnight do”

“wait y/n. i’ll walk you back. it’s way too late and too dark for you to go home”

“no i couldn’t ask you to do that. you’re law and society class is at 8 am tomorrow so you need to get some sleep.”

 “well i won’t be able to sleep anyway if I’m staying up worried about you. so lead the way.”

despite the cold fall air, your face felt hot

like you know that it’s normal for friends to be worried about each other but that didn’t make doyoung saying it any less charming

the walk back was nerve wracking

you guys normally don’t hang out outside of the context of studying

so like this was weird, nice but weird

and once you go to your door there was a cast of silence

doyoung was just looking at you

normally it would make you kinda uncomfy/insecure but right now you were calm

there was something about looking into his eyes

the brown was so warm and inviting

after a few seconds of the comfortable silence, he finally looked away

and I awkwardly cleared my throat “thank you for walking me home doyoung”

 “of course, i’m just gald to know you got here safely”

“so um, i was gonna wish you luck just in case we don’t see each other before the test but i mean judging from our study session you won’t need it though.”

he giggled and i swear someone could have mopped up your heart because it was in a puddle on the floor

“shut up y/n. thank you though. i always appreciate your kind words. do you want to meet for lunch after the exam? i usually have a lab afterwards but it got cancelled so if you’re free we should meet up.” asjdjjklcbclkNCKDLSNCOS

“yeah i am free. i guess i’ll see you then.”

 he took a few steps back “yeah i guess you will. goodnight y/n”

“goodnight doyoung. actually get some sleep tonight, yeah?”

you could see his shoulders shake with laughter as he walked down the steps

to say you were smitten would be an UNDERSTATEMENT

the smile that showed up didn’t leave even after you fell asleep

when you get to class on that friday morning, doyoung is already sitting in his usual seat

the bags that usually take their place beneath his eyes are barely visible today

hopefully he took your advice and actually went to sleep

after the test you both got some burgers for lunch and just talked it had nothing to do with the test which was nice

i guess y’all make a great pair because once the scores came out, both of you got A’s

after that studying together became a routine

every tuesday, thursday and saturday leading up to the next test,  you guys would review or sometimes just hang out

it was a mutual decision to help each other study

even if you didn’t share the class, one would be there to quiz and make sure the other focused (most of the time it worked, other times you’d be the reason they got distracted and vice versa)

the two of you would go out for lunch on those days instead

as the quarter drew to a close and the break got nearer and nearer as did finals week

you and doyoung tried to keep up with your study schedule but it was getting harder

you had artwork due

you were particularly stressed over a sculpture that was assigned

your teacher gave you those choice of clay or marbleas a medium and clearly you chose clay

you were going to do marble but then you remembered the other 3 tests you need to prepare for and a portfolio that had to fit the theme of mythology

so basically you had a lot of art to produce and NO INSPIRATION like none, zero, zip, zilch, nada

you sat in the room you had reserved in the arts building

a pile of clay sat atop a slab of rock, a blank page of a sketchbook sat next to that

scrolling through pinterest had stopped working long ago and at this point you were losing hope

ring, ring, ring

doyoung’s name popped up on your screen

it was odd because you two usually texted for everything

“hey, do what’s up?”

“hi y/n i was just wondering if you wanted to grab some fro-yo. i just got out of another test and could use some company”

“ahh, doyoung i’m sorry but i’m stuck doing work. do you remember that mythology sculpture i told you about? well, it’s due next Wednesday and i haven’t even started on it yet”

his voice sounded so concerned “is everything okay? how are you doing?”

“i’m doing okay, just tired. i’ve been trying so hard but can’t find any inspiration” you sighed into the phone, looking out the window of your room

“what room are you in?”

“room 247 in building B. why?”

“just sit tight.”

the call ended before you could ask any more questions

okay when i tell yall it was less than five minutes and he was walking through the door just know that what i really mean is he rAN FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF CAMPUS TO COME COMFORT YOU

so yeah, he got there huffin and puffin, ready to blow your house down (with love)

“doyoung, what are you doing here?”

“well you were upset.” his tone was so matter-of-fact, and his eyes were so wide and innocent

honestly he looked so cute but like you were still very confused

what was he doing there?????

yeah you were upset but you also didn’t want to worry him

he casually walked over to a seat beside a window and pulled something out of his backpack

as he got closer and reached his hand out for you to take it, you noticed it was a sandwich

“it’s ham and cheese. light mayo, no lettuce or tomato”

when your eyes looked up at him he wouldn’t make eye contact

“you said this is the only way you take your sandwiches”

yALL 

you only told him this once in passing because he was eating a sandwich with mayo

but pls tell you are putting the pieces together

he stopped to get you food and made it across campus in 5 minutes

the walk alONE SHOULD HAVE TAKEN 10 MINUTES

HE STOPPED AND GOT YOU FOOD TO MAKE SURE YOU WEREN’T SKIPPING ANY MEALS

MARRY THID MANFSJDLFG

alrighty anywho

obviously you took the sandwich and spent 5 minutes thanking him for getting it for you

he sat back down in his seat near the window as you guys chatted for a bit

the conversation slowed slightly and you were able to just look at him

the light was bouncing off his face perfectly

his eyes looked like freshly brewed coffee. they were warm and inviting

his smile somehow managed to outshine the light pouring in

there he was

in all of his glory

your muse

your inspiration

his expression shifted to one of confusion

“y/n, why are you looking at me like that”

he could be your subject for not only the sculpture but also the portfolio as well

“okay this may be an odd favor and you can feel free to say no”

your leg couldn’t stop bouncing up and down and you thought your hands might catch a cramp from all the wringing they were doing

“don’t be silly. what is it?”

“well, i was thinking maybe you could be the model for my sculpture.”

 “of course i will but i thought it was supposed to be about mythology and i’m no greek god”

he chuckled a little bit

“shut up do. are you kidding me? your shoulders are like a mile wide. you have a great jawline and that smile? you’d have all the mortal girls falling for you i mean i did. that sounds like god-material to me”

he threw his head back laughing

mostly to hide the huge blush creeping up his cheeks

“okay, okay. i’ll pose for you. what do i have to do?”

“just sit still so that i can take some measurements of your face and then i’ll take some photos for reference afterwards.”

doyoung did as he was told for the most part

he sat there patiently

he kept peeking at your sketchbook as you laid out the rough ideas for a few of your other pieces

tbh you hadn’t even noticed

you were in the ZONE, you hadn’t been this inspired in a while and you wanted to take full advantage of it

you also hadn’t noticed the ,,,, um,,,, lack of space,,,,,, between the two of you

well doyoung had, to say the least

he sat there desperately hoping and praying that you wouldn’t notice how sharply he would breathe in everytime your hands touched his face to move its position

or that you couldn’t notice how much his hands were shaking and how he was constantly wiping them on his pants because they were very sweaty

finally, you had all the information you needed

as you stepped back and over to your chair in front of the clay, doyoung could finally breath

“doyoung, do you have any other classes today? i don’t want to keep you here if you have plans. you can go i can work off of the reference pictures”

he very vigorously shook his head

“no no, i’m free for the day.”

“okay. you should probably go get something to eat while get this started. this will probably be a long process.”

“yeah sure. do you want me to grab you anything while I’m gone?”

“nope i’m good. i already had the sandwich you brought me.”

“okay then i’ll be right back”

after he left it easy to feel the emptiness of the room

even though you were enveloped in your work it was still noticeable

the absence of his presence was palpable

the lack of it was almost suffocating

while you were worked on getting the basic shape and structure you found yourself unsettled

unable to get back into the ‘zone’ you found yourself in before

still, you pushed through the weird shift in the air, but it wasn’t long before doyoung came back with a bag of food

“hey doyoung.”

he glanced over at your pile of clay

“whoa. you made a lot of progress. okay i know you said that you didn’t want anything to eat but i brought burgers and some chips and stuff just in case.

“doyoung, you really didn’t have to. i would have been fine.”

he rolled his eyes but didn’t reply. he simply sat back in his chair and ate some of the fries that came with his burger

the hours seemed to fly by once doyoung returned

it also helped that you played music on the speaker that you brought

before you knew it, it was 5 pm and the sun was setting

you leaned back from your chair to stretch before standing and taking a good look at the sculpture

after about 4 hours of work, you were almost done

of course there were still things that needed to be touched up, like the hair and the eyes

you had decided on a pose of doyoung looking up and off into the distance

you turned and washed your hands in the sink at the back of the room

“here’s your burger if you want it. it might be a little cold, but it doesn’t have any mustard, lettuce, tomato, or pickle. that’s how you like it right?”

YALL HE DID IT AGAIN

HE REALLY JUST OUT HERE BEIN A WHOLE SWEETHEART

“yeah, how’d you know?”

“remember we met up for dinner before a study session a few weeks ago? that’s how you ordered your burger and you told me about how dill pickles were the bane of your existence”

 “which they are” you chuckled “but i can’t believe you remembered that”

“of course, i did. i remember everything you tell me”

your heart melted for like the fiFTH TIME TODAY

you smiled and blushed before grabbing the wrapped burger from his hands

you guys sat and ate in comfortable silence

once you had finished you turned to him

“if you’re ready to leave you can. i just have a few things to add but it’ll be okay if you aren’t here. i’m just about out of daylight anyway.”

he playfully cocked his head to the side and crossed his arms

“y/n. i have a feeling you’re trying to get rid of me”

“maybe i am doyoung. whatcha gonna do about it?”

“cry.”

you both busted up laughing

once you had calmed down you looked at him

“seriously do. if you wanna go study or sleep or something go ahead”

he stood up and began to walk closer to you

“oh stop that. y/n it isn’t a burden for me to stay here with you. i’m honored that you would choose me to be the subject of your work and i love spending my time with you”

at this point he was standing right in front of you. looking down into your eyes.

there was no hiding the redness flushing your skin

after a few moments of silence, you looked back down at your hands

he speaks again as if you two hadn’t spent the past minute just staring into each other’s eyes

“so what next? are you gonna keep sculpting me or are you gonna draw and paint a bit?”

“ummm ,,, i kinda want to just finish the sculpture so that i don’t have to worry about it ya know?”

“yeah. where is the light switch?”

“right by the corner near the door”

as he flipped on the switch and light once again flooded the room

you were able to get a good look at the sculpture

despite it not being finished, you were still incredibly happy and proud of it

you sat back down in front of it ready to finish the work

it only took another hour or two to finish once you really got back into it

you spent the bulk of the time adding in all the little details

and you also decided last minute to add a wreath atop his head and the top of a toga

you took a final step back before sighing in relief

you were finished

you almost wanted to cry

while you were staring at the piece doyoung got up to stand behind you and look at it as well

“wow y/n. it’s beautiful.”

“well it’s you so i hope it is.”

LOOK AT YOU. BEING BOLD. OKAAYYYY

before he could say anything else, you walked back to the sink and while washing your hands, asked his help to put it in another room to dry for a few days before it goes into the kiln

“it’ll take a while to dry so i’m going to leave it here and head to bed”

“okay well i can walk you back to your apartment”

“alrighty”

okay so you grabbed all your stuff (with his help because doyoung is too nice to just walk beside you as you try carry 4 different bags filled with art supplies)

the walk back was kind of uneventful

you invited him in to drop all your things off before he headed out, not until you thanked him for spending the day with you and being your subject

okay so 2 weeks pass

you and doyoung meet up a few times because you need him to model a few poses for your portfolio

but FINALLY you finished your portfolio and sculpture and turned it all in

since then you have been relaxing, getting ready for winter break

well “relaxing” is a loose term

tbh you had been kinda stressed over the scores you were going to get on the artwork

and today, the day before the quarter ends, your professor would be handing back your portfolio & sculpture with a score

you decided to text doyoung after getting dismissed from class

y/n: “hey i get the score for my art project back today. do you want to meet up and we can find out together?”

doyoung: “oh my gosh yes. but are you sure you want me to be there?”

y/n: “of course do. you were such a big part of this, i couldn’t leave you out of it. besides you haven’t seen the finished portfolio”

doyoung: “okay. same art room as last time?”

y/n: “yep. i’ll see you in 20”

you were nervous. as you waited in the room, your legs couldn’t stay still so you decided to pace in hopes of calming yourself down

or at least having something to do

when he walked into the room, your eyes met

there was no hiding the frantic look in them either

“hey y/n. do you have it?”

you pulled a card from inside the front of your portfolio and set it down on the table

doyoung’s voice was soft and calming as he walked up to you

“can i look at it?”

he picked up the large folder

in a large gold print:

PROMETHEUS, he dies everyday but wouldn’t wish for any other way to spend eternity

“you chose me to represent Prometheus? what’s his story”

you began to recount the tale as doyoung slowly flipped through pages of your artwork

·         “well he was the youngest of the titans, which were the creators of greek gods. it was said that he was also the kindest. when he looked upon the earth and saw how the humans were struggling, Prometheus felt pity and decided to give them a gift. he gave them a divine secret of the gods. he gave them fire. he did this despite knowing that Zeus would punish him if he found out. which he did. the other titans and gods were furious, so they tied him to a rock near the sea. every day an eagle would come and rip out prometheus’ liver and he would die. every night it would grow back bringing him back to life. this torturous routine goes on every day and night and according to the myth it continues until this day, as it will forever.”

as you finished the story doyoung closed the folder

all he said was “wow”

it made you nervous. “so ,,,,, do you like it?”

“y/n. this is beyond words. this is amazing. and you chose me?”

“well yeah i mean. you two just seemed to fit each other. you are the kindest person i know. you’re very generous too. so really it wouldn’t have worked if i had chosen anyone else or any other myth.”

he said nothing. just set down your work and hugged you.

you embraced each other. sharing this moment.

“y/n no matter the score on the other side of that car, just know that your work is beyond incredible. not just because it’s of me”

you both laughed before he continued

“seriously. you are an amazing artist. your art moves people. it makes me feel emotions that i haven’t felt in a while. it takes me on a journey.”

he pulled back and gave you one last smile before grabbing the card off of the table

“on 3”

“….1”

“….2”

“….3!”

a 97 was written in bright red marker

“oh my gosh y/n”

you two jumped back into each other’s arms

the smile on your face was ear to ear. there was no way it was going to fade any time soon

“I knew you could do it.”

“not without you i couldn’t have,” you say leaning back slightly, your arms still around his neck

he rolls his eyes at you

“seriously doyoung. if you hadn’t come by that day i don’t know what i would have done. you were my muse”

his arms were wrapped tightly around your waist

your eyes would have met if his weren’t staring at your lips right now

“y/n.” he whispered

“doyoung?”

“can i kiss you?”

“absolutely”

FUCKING FINALLY

ahem sorry I got a little excited for you

it was great. what can i say

it was everything you expected to be

before you thought that the whole “fireworks” thing was just movies overexaggerating

 but NOW you can attest to that

the kiss with doyoung had so much built up tension and caring and passion and just wowza

when you finally pulled apart

both of you were slightly out of breath

doyoung still had this cute, dumb smile plastered on his face

he gave you a few more pecks

which of course made you have a big dumb smile plastered on your face

you actually pulled apart and out of his arms this time and took a look at the score card

beneath your score the professor left a little note

“i hope you don’t mind but i emailed the art gallery about your work. they have a small exhibition open if you’d like to showcase your art. here’s the email: ­­­­­­_______. please consider it. you have serious talent.”

“an art gallery doyoung. an exhibition in an art gallery.”

tears fell down your face

this was an amazing opportunity

a dream came true

“i can come over tonight and we can email them.”

you just nodded your head

tbh you were still in shock

this was a huge opportunity

“so y/n. i know there is a lot going on right now but I can’t wait. will you be my girl/boy-friend?

“doyoung of course. can you help me take this stuff back to my apartment then if you want we can go grab something to eat?”

he nodded happily and grabbed the sculpture

THE END

goodness gracious that took a while

I hope you enjoyed reading this 5 thousand-word trainwreck

I know some of the stuff about creating sculptures isn’t accurate, but I need to make it work with the timeline I had in my head

I hope it didn’t bother anyone too much

but yeah

thanks for reading

also I didn’t proofread this so hopefully there aren’t many mistakes

if there are just message me and I’ll fix them

also also here’s a sequel type thing that doesn’t have to be seen as a sequel umm it isn’t as good as this one but here ya go

·         

[velvetgons]

seunghun as your boyfriend;

seunghun x reader

warnings; hm maybe some swearing but nothing else :) 

word count; 3.2k 

requested; yes :) the junkyu one is already done and is under my writing// tag! 

so what’s seunghun’s vibe i hear u ask? well it’s: ROMANCE

seunghun is the epitome of movie romance boy babey!!

you’d still meet him a very Normal and Generic setting, though

but it would still be super cute and the kind of experience where you think about it later that night and you gotta think ‘did that actually happen??’

i’m thinking a coffee shop because idk i got those chill vibes from seunghun

it’d be this really small niche coffee shop that plays the lo-fi hip-hop radio 24/7 and you only really go there because a. it’s small so there’s not a lot of people and b. the drinks are just so good?? you don’t know what they’re doing to make everything taste five star restaurant worthy but you don’t care!!

and one day you go there just to be chilled out and continue to work your way through the entire menu to test your theory that god himself is making these drinks

but when you’re just sitting and ~chilling~ you hear the door open

n you honestly don’t usually look up because it’ll just be another hipster teenager walking in, which is very valid and you’ve lowkey started to think that hipster fashion is maybe not so bad

(your friends disagree but i mean, who’s actually seeing hipster fashion up close and personal daily??)

but this time ur just like hm wonder who’s coming in today

and oh my god?? you feel like your brain has just short-circuited

there’s this cute ass boy with the softest looking hair wearing an oversized soft jumper walking into the shop with these pretty eyes that are glancing around to observe the space

and your interest is peaked, so you’re paying full attention to him now like godly drink? not important there is the most beautiful man over there and you are about ready to die with how shocked you are  

and then he just. gets his coffee and you think he’s gonna turn and leave so you’re :((

but as he about reached the door he turns his head a little and he sees you and he’s like :O

tbh he’d probably actually gasp like yeah that’s seunghun and he’s shocked!

and he wants to walk over to your table but he doesn’t know if you want company or if you want to be left alone

so he’s 365 so stressed and rushes out of the coffee shop because omg he can’t make someone ((and himself)) nervous that’s too much to do in one day

and so now you’re left wondering like?? was that a good shocked face and run away? because that’s definitely not usually a good sign

but you go back the next day as usual except this time you’re waiting for something ((spoiler: it’s seunghun. you went there to see the Cute Boy.))

and tbh you don’t think he’s gonna come back because i mean who gasps and runs out of a building for a good reason

but he does!! and he’s being ‘sly’ okay seunghun trying to check to see if you’re there that day and when he sees you sat there like yesterday he’s so excited

he’s been getting prepped all throughout yesterday and mostly through the night because he didn’t sleep properly

but now he’s ready to go ask if he can sit with you and make nice polite pleasant conversation

forgive him he’s only on phase one of his long-term plan to marry the cute person he saw at the coffee shop

so he gets his coffee and he walks over to you and says in the uwu small text “hello! does anybody sit here or is this seat free?”

and i mean first of all it’s completely unnecessary for him to sit with you like there’s so many free seats

but lowkey yeah you’ve been thinking about him too so you’d say yes

even if there is the slight worry that he might be a serial killer you decide to Take The Chance this one time

and omg as soon as you said yes seunghun could swear his heart did a keyboard smash and then stopped beating for a whole minute

but he takes his seat! and then completely freezes

he just doesn’t know what to say at first :(( he’s worried he’ll say something weird or not say enough to impress you so he just sits quietly and drinks his coffee

but then he sees that you’re wearing this cute lil necklace so he’s like “wowie!! that necklace is super cute :))”

and of course you’d say “omg!! thank you so much!!”

and like tbh. he gets so much confidence from them on. he just takes that one small comments and creates a whole conversation from

he asks where you got the necklace, if you shop there often, if you shop overall often, what other things you like to shop for, what other things you like in general

when it gets to a time that either one of you have to leave, seunghun genuinely wouldn’t want to, and if he had plans he’d check to see if he could cancel them without feeling guilty to spend time with you

but if you had to leave or if he couldn’t cancel his plans he’s gonna be a sad boy

you honestly just feel like you’ve been on a date tbh

so you’d honestly forget the inhibition and be like “aw :(( well it’s okay just give me your number so we can do this again!”

and you only realise when he does the same face he did yesterday that oh whoops maybe you didn’t fully realise that you were saying that

he just makes you feel really comfortable so you honestly forget about things that would’ve made you nervous with other people

but once he recovers from the shock he’d just be like “:] yeah okay that sounds fine with me”

and he just wants to talk to you 24/7!! but he refrains from texting you all the time because he doesn’t want you to end up finding him annoying :-)

tbh though he’d respond to your texts pretty quickly all the time either way? if he’d been talking to you all day, then his responses would take like ten seconds while he typed them out. but if you hadn’t been talking to him at all, his responses would probably still only take fifteen minutes max unless he was busy with something

on that note, he’d tell you whenever he was busy with things so you didn’t ever think he was purposefully ignoring you

and he’d take you out to different coffee shops in an attempt to prove or disprove your theory about the niche lil one you go to

and if you had hobbies like visiting museums or shopping? he’d totally come along with you!!

brings you along on little trips he takes too!! if he’s going to buy something from a store he doesn’t usually go to? guess who he’s inviting!!

tries to make you push him around in the cart to see how long you can go until a staff member tells him to get out (your current record is an hour and twenty-one minutes)

tbh everyone around you would probably think you were dating?? like your friends just assume you’ve told him that you like him already and now you’re just dating

and seunghun’s probably told his friends that he was In Love with you the day he met you, because he firmly believes in soulmates even if he friends don’t

after being close friends with you for like six months you’d probably think it was time to give him a big speech about how you like him as more than just a friend

so you sit him down and give him this whole lengthy rehearsed statement like “first of all, seunghun, i really don’t want to ruin this friendship…”

and by the time you’re done rambling about how much you think he’s amazing and perfect in every way he’s like

“well, i’m really touched, seriously, i’m tearing up a little…” and you’re like :(( he’s trying to let me down gently at least, but then he just goes, “but i thought we were already dating???”

and, first of all, you’re kinda just like ok damn that was seriously unnecessary then huh. but second of all, that’s definitely not bad news!!

so you kinda just laugh n say, “we never agreed that !”

and he’d say “well you know i kinda just assumed :( my bad”

and then you become the meme (you know the one where the guy’s like “that ain’t no problem, that ain’t no problem!” that one)

but anyway! now you have a big babey as your boyfriend so you struck out there

and like. nothing changes? you’d have thought that at least something would change but now he just gets to kiss you!! and that’s about it

seunghun is a hand holding enthusiast, first of all

he loves making you really do really obscure odd things with him that if anyone else asked you to do you’d be like ‘no wtf’

but with seunghun it’s like: go find the strangest most ugly painting in an art store and take a picture of you imitating them mood it portrays? sure that sounds fun! even more fun when you actually buy it!

or maybe he wants to make a scarecrow entirely out of pictures of himself? and you’re just like, “sure, yeah, that sounds like a fun activity”

idk if this is just an english thing or if it’s world-wide but you know like pub knowledge quizzes? he’d make you go to things like that on subjects neither of you have no idea about at all

but he’d also do really cute things with you or for you sometimes :(

like, he’ll buy cards with pretty art or cute cartoons on the front and write you lil short paragraphs about a different aspect of you that he loves

or he’ll get a collection of different flower bouquets and put them all together for you

and he’s not scared to admit it either!! if you bring it up in front of other people’s he doesn’t get embarrassed because that’s his mfing baby!!

gives you about a thousand kisses every day but his favourite kind of kiss is when you give him lil pecks or pepper his cheeks with kisses :)) they make him feel all warm n cuddly n safe

all of his kisses are very sweet and soft for the most part though

and tbh he doesn’t really kiss you for any other reason than a. he knows you like being kissed omg and b. it’s such a cute lil way of showing affection

he also adores having the classic late night conversations

okay but: seunghun loves going outside late at night, he doesn’t care really whether it’s cold or warm but summer nights after a long day are his favourites, and lying or sitting on a blanket with you and having you both go off on different tangents about a thousand different things you’ve been thinking of or that you have an opinion on

for example, his fixation with soulmates

you ask him one of the many times you’re sat outside looking at the stars with him why he’s so obsessed with the concept of soulmates

and he’d kinda just shrug at you and be like “i just really do think they’re real. i really, really believe in them. that’s about it.” and he’s got these big cute eyes that are reflecting the stars and you’re two seconds away from giving him a smooch

but he’s not done!! he’d go on to be like, “well i mean. i did think they were real, but now i know they’re real because i’ve met mine.”

you might cry a lil bit at that. that’s understandable.

but he’s smiling so softly and his eyes are so starry and pretty and he’s like “can i give you a kiss :-)”

and you’re just like :(( yeah, yes pls

you’d realise a while into your relationship that he’d gotten a necklace that matched the one he’d complimented when he first met you too

and when you’d ask him why he’d tell you it was because he wanted a reminder of you and meeting you with him always

if you came to watch him practice or expressed an overt interest in his debut or anything to do with his passion he’d be so happy!! he’d love to explain things to you, or show you new choreographies and songs he was working on

i feel like seunghun’s the type to wanna have lil conversations before bed

he already knows how your day’s been because if he hasn’t been keeping in regular contact with you throughout the day, he’s definitely asked you the second he sees you

he just wants to have another run-down over it so he can comment on stuff more in depth if he hadn’t had the chance before

tells you about his day and discusses how he’s felt about things so he can hear your opinion on them too

omg but you two would definitely spill tea together i mean, if there’s drama in your day? guess who’s getting a text w a tea emoji so he knows you have something to tell him about when you see him in person

and if he sees some stuff go down? he’d probably straight up call you in a bathroom to start telling you the story before he had to rush off to make sure he didn’t miss anything

you two just gossip. you both know everything about everyone. that one girl from your class who sits in the second row and always has to borrow a pencil from someone and you think it’s because she likes someone in the class? he knows about that. he has a theory on that.

we all also know seunghun’s kinda loud right?

because if he’s hyping you up, he’s Hyping You Up

you go out shopping with him and some friends? they’re like “wow that’s a cute shirt!!” but seunghun’s like “you are the most beautiful human being on this planet” (bass boosted)

has two different reactions when you compliment him:

either it’s “omg not here i’m gonna blush and that will so embarrassing for the both of us!!!”

or it’s “thank you for saying my shoes are nice i would die for you :-*”

either way, you’re just like :] of course any-time buddy

onto another topic, seunghun has a range of different pet-names for you

in private it’s like “my angel !! my baby !! my princess !! my lil love-bug cuddle-bug uwu machine wife !!”

but in public it’s like your full name. or maybe ‘babe’ if he’s feeling bold.

he just doesn’t want his friends to tease him because he Knows they would never let him live it down if they heard his nicknames for you

also seunghun seems like the type to leave you audio messages instead of just texting you? especially if he was gonna say something cute because now there can’t be any screenshots

(if u two have tea to spill and have to be apart, you best believe you’re sending each other audio of you laughing or commenting or at the very least giving a dramatic rendition of how arguments happened)

but his normal audio messages are usually just him telling you that he loves you a lot :) and he hopes you have a good day :) and reminders to eat and drink regularly :) and if you ever show this to anyone he’ll fight you >:)

just so you know, play-fighting doesn’t exist with seunghun because the concept is dumb to him

so either you’re wwe fighting or you’re not qualified to fight him

saying that, if you try and tickle him, it’s over. just don’t do it. he will not accept that sort of treachery in his home

funny how he says that and then would also spend a couple of hours cuddling you while you’re wrapped up in blanket so you can ‘feel like you would on a cloud’

the duality!

still makes you do dumb stuff after you start dating though that’s not going away

you wanna go for a walk as soon as the sun starts to rise so you can see the sky change colours and look really pretty? how can you say no to that offer!

he’d do that but then get genuinely concerned when you say you’re tired before at the very least after 5pm

he just doesn’t like the idea of you not being healthy and happy

on this topic, i really don’t think seunghun’s the type to argue? about anything?

he just. he just doesn’t get angry very often tbh. maybe he’d get annoyed with you occasionally but if he has an issue with something you’re doing he’ll just tell you bro he’s not pressed about it

and he really expects you to do the same if it’s something that you seriously don’t like because he won’t be offended by it

he’s a firm believe that you’re both best friends!! you can tell each other anything and nothing comes with negatives if it’s something you need to address with one another!!

like, getting jealous? yeah, he does!! but he’s rational and he knows he can trust you so what’s there to get seriously mad about

and if you get jealous? that’s fine, as long as you know too that he’s serious about how you two are supposed to be able to fully trust one another so you don’t need to be worried about anything

he doesn’t get snappy when he’s tired, he just wants to take a nap and maybe get a cuddle while he does :))) as long as you’re fine with that, he’s not bothered

he’d get quite upset if you snapped at him though, and he’d make sure to tell you whenever you calmed down from your mood that you can just tell him if you’re not in a good place or if you’re tired and he’ll give you your space

he always seems like a person who’s so quick to bounce back from things? and i think he’d like to be able to just rant at you sometimes about how he’s really feeling before he has to rationalise it just so he isn’t bottling anything up

gives you genuine heart eyes when you remind him that it’s okay for him to have normal human emotional reactions to things like everybody else does

tbh seunghun would give you heart eyes all the time :///

i feel like this one’s been shorter than others but i just. i just honestly think dating seunghun would be a really nice pleasant experience?

he’s just such a genuinely good person and has so much he wants to do with you

(he’d probably make a lil bucket list hhhhh)

would probably conclude that he’s definitely gonna marry you from the very moment he first started talking to you tbh

like he would constantly remind you, he firmly believes that you two are actual soulmates, so no problem is too big for the both of you to face in his eyes :((

[idedicatethisblogtodestiel]

150 for the hella cute questions?

Who was the last person you held hands with?2. Are you outgoing or shy?

shy man i hate people3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

JOJO SIWA4. Are you easy to get along with?

depends. im noice but i choose not to hang with people? if that makes sense5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

no one lmao6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

anyone thats not me but also democrat 7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

nah8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

ryan my friend9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Y E P10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

probably my sister11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

me too lmao 12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

idk i dont listen to new songs?????? AAAAAAH 

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

yes unless but not if its in my face14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

LMAO LUCK IS REAL HOW DO YOU THINK DUMB PEOPLE GET FAMOUS?15. What good thing happened this summer?

i dont remember 16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

lmao no fuck them17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

UH YEAH...OBVIOUS18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

idek who it was19. Do you like bubble baths?

yes but they are bad for you vag so i dont do it20. Do you like your neighbors?

ew no. 21. What are you bad habits?

i have OCD so i guess my compulsions22. Where would you like to travel?

israel, UK, Poland, Canada, Austrailia23. Do you have trust issues?

YUP24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

coffee25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

stomach then boobs then arms and then pretty much everything else26. What do you do when you wake up?

eat breakfast while watching youtube

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

im ok with it now?28. Who are you most comfortable around?

my parents/siblings29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

yeah lmao30. Do you ever want to get married?

that’s gonna be a no from me dog31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

ya32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

team free will, chris’ (evans, pratt, pine)33. Spell your name with your chin.

no.34. Do you play sports? What sports?

i used to play volleyball 35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

music. WATCH MUSIC ON THE TV.36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

all the damn time.37. What do you say during awkward silences?

nothing.38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

OKOKOKOKOKOKOKOKO....

black curly hair, pun and meme connoisseur, loves dogs, loves horror movies

my aesthetic boy type is: people who look like kurtis conner basically39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

American Eagle, Bath and Body Works, Victoria Secret. But i go into forever 21 to just hate on everything then leave without buying stuff.40. What do you want to do after high school?

im in college now and im majoring in anthropology41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

depends on the severity of the sin/crime42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

im seriously traumatized and have shut down.43. Do you smile at strangers?

yeah i feel bad if i dont 44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

outerspace45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

the fact it costs money to live so i have to get up if i want money46. What are you paranoid about?

nothing much anymore I have meds for paranoia now47. Have you ever been high?

no i got asthma48. Have you ever been drunk?

yeah its fun49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

no im an average person i dont do weird things50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

green!51. Ever wished you were someone else?

YEAH WTF DOESNT EVERYONE?52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

how i look53. Favourite makeup brand?

tarte or benfit54. Favourite store?

starbucks55. Favourite blog?

animatedtext56. Favourite colour?

GREEEEEEN I ONLY WEAR GREEN AND BLACK57. Favourite food? 

sushi 58. Last thing you ate?

ice cream59. First thing you ate this morning?

i think cereal60. Ever won a competition? For what?

volleyball and county art contest61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

i got expelled for not wearing sleeves when i had self harm scars62. Been arrested? For what?

no63. Ever been in love? 

ya :/64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

too long but it wasnt awkward and it was on the harbor with an emo guy65. Are you hungry right now?

nah im constipated66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

i dont have tumblr friends :////////////67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter 68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr69. Are you watching tv right now?

no youtube70. Names of your bestfriends? 

Abbey Mell Nikki71. Craving something? What?

to shit tbh72. What colour are your towels?

white and purple and blue72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

373. Do you sleep with stuffed animals? 

embarassing but ya74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

idk i have several stored so im guessing 40-45?75. Favourite animal?

piggies raccoons dogs 76. What colour is your underwear?

white and black77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

chocolate78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

cinnamon, blueberry, bubblegum, chocolate covered strawberries, oreo79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

green80. What colour pants?

black81. Favourite tv show?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

82. Favourite movie?

lots final destination and heathers83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

karen smith86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

dont like finding nemo so idk87. First person you talked to today?

my parents88. Last person you talked to today?

my parents SORRY IM LAME89. Name a person you hate?

trump, rosie, loren, danielle, jacob, pence, so many more90. Name a person you love?

my dog remington91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

always92. In a fight with someone?

no93. How many sweatpants do you have?

394. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

10????95. Last movie you watched?

greta- not very good96. Favourite actress?

winon ryder97. Favourite actor?

all the chris’ and all of supernatural actors change my fucking mind.98. Do you tan a lot?

never99. Have any pets?

1 dog100. How are you feeling?

sad :/101. Do you type fast?

yep102. Do you regret anything from your past?

MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE103. Can you spell well?

???? like grammar or spell the word well104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

always105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

no ive never been invited anywhere i was bullied a lot106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

yeah felt really bad, i rejected someone’s homecoming invite107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah as a baby108. What should you be doing?

homework109. Is something irritating you right now?

everything110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

have you seen my account?111. Do you have trust issues?

yup112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

my parents113. What was your childhood nickname?

mosh, moshi, mashalala114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yep to oregon washington hawaii and colorado and poland and germany115. Do you play the Wii?

used to116. Are you listening to music right now?

no117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

ye118. Do you like Chinese food?

YE119. Favourite book?

probably beastly i read that so many times and how to ruin your boyfriends reputations120. Are you afraid of the dark?

nah121. Are you mean?

idk122. Is cheating ever okay?

I’d say no123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

NOPE124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

haha no.125. Do you believe in true love?

doubt it but it’s possible126. Are you currently bored?

no127. What makes you happy?

S U P E R N A T U R A L

128. Would you change your name?

probably 129. What your zodiac sign?

gemini130. Do you like subway?

it’s aight131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

i wouldnt date a friend132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

sister133. Favourite lyrics right now?

hey hey mama just the way you move gonna make you sweat gon make you move134. Can you count to one million?

i refuse135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

i cant my blood hurts136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed137. How tall are you?

5′7″-5′8″138. Curly or Straight hair?

wavy139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette orange140. Summer or Winter?

summer141. Night or Day?

night142. Favourite month?

october143. Are you a vegetarian?

no144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark145. Tea or Coffee?

both!146. Was today a good day?

it’s aigh147. Mars or Snickers?

snickers148. What’s your favourite quote?

“they may forget what you did or what you said but never how you made them feel”149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yup150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? 

im too lazy(via itsgracesdrunkmametown)

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: bouquet garni

Next up, @skadventuretime, @guacamoletrash and @jamesfalt (Souly on Discord) stopped by to chat about their Resbang, bouquet garni! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: Madi, how did you come up with everyone's characters, like Harvar being a gaming streamer and Tsu and Liz being farmers etc. etc. because I thought those were all really unique and interesting!

madi: Ahaha let's see, I started planning this back last... May? and talking with the beta crew, as one does. And naturally marsh [ @marshofsleep ] , enabler that she is, just put it out there.

madi: And I was just playing a bunch of overwatch at the time and thought he'd be a good gamer nerd, and also I had decided to make this Extra self-indulgent, so I was like “my city now”. I basically poured all of my friend feels into [Harvar] and Anya in particular. The past couple years have been rougher for me, but I've had some really spectacular friends, and I decided Maka and Soul needed them, too.

Q: The part with the sword and stuff, I just…

madi: OH THAT ahahahaha. Okay yeah that was end of Resbang crunch time and me being extra 'fuck it.'

madi: That was what the team thought about that.

Q: Artist-chans, what programs do you use and how does your arting process go? And how is guac so good at playlisting??

Souly: I use paint tool SAI :0 I might still have some of my progress pics, lemme look.

guac: Lol. I don't think I'm super good at it but I do enjoy music a lot and like to make playlists so maybe that's it!

Souly: Yeah here we go. Mid lining.

I did it a lil differently than I normally do. I normally line everything and then do flats but I was actually super behind bc of life stuff so I just started doing flats per character after their lines were done. This is a sample of what the layers look like:

madi: Man how do u keep track of ur layers? Or is it like, a sixth sense?

Souly: I go off of the little layer previews and hope the layer has what I'm looking for.

madi: LOL that sounds like me.

Souly: I also like... tend to set up layers for characters a specific way so I can normally find those?

guac: BRUH THAT'S SO MANY LAYERS.

Q: Did you have a favorite character to write? 8)

madi: I just love writing Star being balls to the walls ridiculous. The saxophone thing came about because I saw this video and was like oh my god it's Black Star in the flesh: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMyqasy2Lco . But I also really liked writing Maka being sort of the one with issues, too.

Q: Which character in your fic did you most identify with? And was it purposeful or accidental?

madi: Iiiiiiii'd have to say I identified with [Maka] the most this fic, for once. Usually it's soul, but I ended up pouring a lot of myself into her, and it was both purposeful and accidental how it all worked out.

Q: I’m surprised, because there were a lot of things I noticed about Soul that I know are you-things!

madi: Yeah!!! I definitely can't help that with him, they both got a lot of me.

Q: I know you said this fic was super personal and self-indulgent so was it generally pretty easy to write because of that, or did you have trouble?

madi: Hmmmm yeah I definitely had some trouble. About 20k in, I sort of lost the emotional thread of it, and whined a lot to Bones [ @adulterclavis ] about what I could do to fix it, and it turned out that I just needed to talk to someone about it to find where I wanted to go again, and then it got easier. I still struggled for sure not having a traditional Big Antagonist plotline thing, it was more personal and then Maka's mom… Bones let me cry in her inbox about writing.

Q: What brought about your characterization of Mama Albarn (who i still hate btw >: ((( )?

madi: You are not the only one...

guac: I'm always ready to fight her.

madi: Okay so, basically Mama Albarn came about just from how I used to (and still sometimes do) talk to myself. It's that internalized idea you always have to be perfect, and if you aren't given everything you've been given and have, then you're weak and a fuckup and how dare you not be the best? DEFINITELY a toxic mindset, and Bad. And this fic was sort of exorcising that, a little. This was an external abusive deal, but you can absolutely develop abusive thought patterns towards yourself, and you can also free yourself from them, like Maka was ultimately able to.

Q: Was there a scene in particular you really enjoyed?

madi: I heckin’ loved the butt lamp scene. It honestly kept me going, knowing I'd be able to write that monstrosity. And also drunk Kid, who marsh aptly named Five Drink Amy. AND THEN GUAC skl;dfkld. So there was this, right, and then guac

madi: Which linked to THIS PIC:

madi: And we all could not stop laughing.

Q: What was the hardest part to write?

madi: I got stuck at the end of chapter 3, and I ultimately added another section on to it to make it work, but I think deciding how I wanted to transition from her debauched night out into a Soul POV chapter given what I wanted each person to sort of be faced with was probably the hardest thing for me. This whole deal was largely driven by me groping in the dark at what felt right.

Q: PS I loved the debauched night out. And Patty's drinks.

madi: I loved patty in this!! Bones wanted to marry her, so I know it Worked Out. She was another fun one to write, as were her drinks ahaha.

Q: What was your favorite thing about this Resbang in particular?

madi: Oh jeez, hm. I think my favorite thing was doing a better job fleshing out the side characters in Harv and Anya and Kid and Star. That was something I regret not doing better in my older work, so I'm happy I got to try my hand at giving people other than Soul/Maka some personality.

guac: They became such a cute little chosen family.

Q: Why a food-themed story specifically? What about that appealed to you? (For everyone!)

madi: (Apeeled).

Souly: I fucking love SoMa. [And] the cooking aspect really drew me in... idk why but I've always had a thing for those kinds of things with anime I'm into?

guac: My current relationship started with them teaching me how to cook real food cause I used to eat like a garbage can, so I was like ‘welp this is gonna be hella cute, count me in.’

madi: Omg, I didn't know that, that's ADORABLE.

guac: Shhhhh. I don't talk about my feelings very much. But yeah. I was like ‘a SoMa AU about my life!!!’

Souly: Honestly yeah same, I feel like I also like... connected with Maka about being poor and just buying shit to eat.

madi: Let's see, I had a prompt sitting in my inbox FOREVER that was like 'I’m obsessed with a food blogger who writes about cheap ways to be gourmet in your 20s and I flirt with them over comments but they never post pictures of their face and ALSO there’s a really cute grocery bagger at the store down the street who teases me and always asks to join me for dinner and I definitely want to say yes AU' that I was initially gonna go with, and originally it was a little closer to this deal. My first blush ideas for this sort of had the drama in not knowing who was whom, and the big reveal being the climax, or something like Maka thinking Soul was taken because she thought he was involved with the comment girl and then that whole drama. But then I thought that that sorta thing had been done before, and I wanted this to be less about the drama of the reveal and more about the process of them growing closer, I guess. And I also looooooove cooking and baking, so that definitely bled through.

Q: I thought it was a neat shake up how you didn’t make the reveal the crux of the whole thing.

madi: Ahahaha yeah, I definitely thought about it, but ultimately wanted this to be less 'gasp, it's YOU!' because the reader knows, and if I wanted to make the reader invested, I'd have to keep them apart and do the kinda drama I wasn't feeling for this fic. The insta bit came about because I spend some time looking at food pics before I go to sleep, and that provided a lot of insp for that section. Half of my degree is in nutrition, so I like to see the recipes people come up with, and also roll my eyes at some of the bougie stuff, because insta is definitely a Platform for that, depending on where you end up haha. Also like, I definitely took some things I've experienced flat out and added them in, like Harv shoving Maka electrolyte packets. Last year when I was deep in the sad pit, my diet was terrible, and I knew it, but I wasn't doing much about it. And then one day I was talking to Bones and my leg muscle kept spasming, and she was like dude when was the last time you've gotten minerals and I was like .....oh. So she sent me a link for those packets to hold me over on days I wasn’t getting them from my diet ahaha. Bones is also where some of Kid came from, and bits of Anya.

Q: Where did you get your recipes? I want a cookbook based on this fic p...please.

modi: Okay okay let me find some of the recipes that inspired things:

https://showmetheyummy.com/crockpot-mexican-chicken-recipe/ https://www.instagram.com/p/BfWNxv9HuHg/?hl=en&taken-by=thefeedfeed.

[Bones] was also the steak recipe insp!

madi: The kitchn, thefeedfeed, showmetheyummy, minimalistbaker were all feeds that I was inspired by, and then I just improv’d from there, because I have cooked all or most of the things I described in there. AND IT'S WHERE MAKA'S CUPCAKE GAZING CAME FROM. LOOK AT THE GLORIOUS MOUNTAIN OF ICING https://www.instagram.com/p/BaRGvjGDBpr/?hl=en&taken-by=thescranline

Q: Did you feel like your writing has changed at all during writing this?

madi: Yeah, for sure! I thought that this year I got better at characterizing people, adding some personality to them that was a little more nuanced than I'd done before. I think I absorbed some of Bones's longer sentence style, which I personally tend to like even though I am still getting a handle on it, and I think I got better at describing things in general. Next step is being better with plot and tightening up the language a little more >:) Most of the changes, I think, were sentence style and how I handled dialogue, which is usually harder for me.

Q: Artists: did you learn any new techniques that you plan to practice or improve on any you've been trying to learn?

Souly: Oh yeah, I learned doing flats as I go with lines actually speeds up the process slightly... I practiced a different lighting technique that I never did end up going with but I kinda figured out what I need to do to make it work. It sadly just didn't work with how I set up this pic.

madi: Oooo nice, linework is Intimidating but you made it look easy.

guac: I am just glad to force myself to make stuff. Glad to be here. Thought my drawing of bodies got better (thanks Black Star).

madi: Y'all don't understand the sound I made when I saw guac drew the apron.

Souly: That Blackstar pic is my fave.

Q: WHAT'S NEXT, everybody? ;D

madi: >;) well, I have a secret project that I thought of last year that I am not yet sure will be a Resbang or a chaptered dealio, so I want to pick at that. Then I have a chaptered Star vs the Forces of Evil fic I need to update, and I owe Pip [ @paperypiper ] like two or three Noragami fluff pieces, and SILLY’S BDAY SMUT. Which will proabbly be like a whole year late but whatever I’m sorry, I will try to make it extra spicy.

Souly: I'm signing up for a few zines! I'm currently waiting for them to open apps but I'm looking at an Enstars zine, FMA tarot project, and some YOI zines. I was also recently in the Soul Eater reversal zine that just closed preorders the other day so I'm waiting to be able to post my piece :0

guac: I'm arting for the BNHA big bang and mostly consumed by school. Who knows what will happen next! There's a little pop punk lyrics + anime project I'm working on so maybe I'll show it to the world someday soon. We will see.

madi: OH YEAH I’m writing for that bang too! AND GUAC GOT ME AS AN ARTIST. It's the ultimate resonance.

[boo1a4]

11 question tag!

Hey guys so I was tagged by 5 of my fav gals to do the 11 questions tag (THATS 55 QUESTIONS WHY ARE YALL LIKE THIS) but anyway I was tagged by @s-lay-ing @sambashua @achuu-nice @indiepoptime and @yongpal-i (this tag is fucking eternal help me)

Cloud’s Questions!

Do you know a ksong by heart? (bc I don’t :x I can hum a trillion tho)

Blackpink’s As If Its Your Last, Heize’s Star, Day6 I loved you and You Were Beautiful, most of seventeens title tracks and most of their ballads, lastly  Pristin’s Aloha! I'm sure my pronunciation is way off but those are tho the ones that I've taken the time to actually sit down and learn!

When it comes to friendships, are you low or high maintenance? (As in your friends gotta talk everyday with you or you’ll feel like the friendship is dying OR if you can spend days without talking to them yet you still remain close)  

Ummmm I think it depends on the friendship? also I think I can tend to be a bit of both (cause I'm an insecure ass binch), tho I don't ever feel like my friendships are dying lmao

Do you have a secret that you will take to the grave? (Ofc I’m not asking you to reveal it)

not that I can think of?? like I'm sitting here thinking if there is anything and like honestly no????

Recommend me 5 songs (not necessarily kpop songs)

Dracula Teeth - The Last Shadow Puppets(honestly cloud just listen to all of their music is so great) Daydream In Blue - I Monster (this is honestly one of my all time fav songs I love it too much) No Way Down - The Shins (you know I can't go 2 mins without mentioning them, some great lyrics right here tho also give September a listen in beautiful) Beechwood Park - The Zombies (I'm assuming you know the zombies cloud but on the off chance that you don't BINCH THEY ARE MY ACTUAL FAVORITE well beside cream and zeppelin but they are up there) Kimbra - Miracle (kinda of a random one but this song just never seems to leave me!) Big Bird -Hyukoh (oh that was 6 BUT THIS SONG IS SO GREAT also listen to wing wing!!)

What do you prefer?: first, second or third gen kpop songs?

I generally prefer second generation??? I think????? I like a bit of all of them tho. but like there is no definitive answer to when each of the generations start and end so like I don't even know??? but most of my fav groups as far as music goes are older around 2nd gen but a fair amount of them are gen 3, I have a really strong love for kpop that was released between 2009-2014.

What’s the cheeeeeeeeeesiest thing you’ve done? (one time a former friend of mine was telling me about a problem she had and at the end of our convo I kissed her in the forehead bYE)

girl idk just my whole fucking life tbh, but my family members and irl friends will all tell you I do this thing where I yell sing songs and change the lyrics to their names this includes badly sung kpop songs IM SCREAMING THO CLOUD WHO ARE YOU AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA

If you were asked to participate in a variety show, which one of the following would you pick and why? (Pick two!): problematic men, master key, hello counselor, weekly idol, one fine day, law of the jungle

um probs ofd?? id say weekly idol also but damn the hosts would literally be like who is this weird binch!

Your top 10 kpop songs of 2017?

In no order but 1. Would U - Red Velvet 2. Let’s Hang Out - SF9 3. Night Rather Than Day - EXID 4. Aloha - Pristin 5. Missing You - BTOB 6. I Loved You - Day6 7. Teenager - Got7 8. Habit - Seventeen 9. As If It’s Your Last - Blackpink 10. You, Clouds, Rain - Heize

Would you rather live in a huge mansion or a compact studio house?  

Im a real messy binch so definitely compact studio

Tell me a fun childhood story (I’ll start! One time an aunt gave me money to buy ‘papas’ (potatoes) at the grocery store so bc I’m obedient af I went and asked the counter lady how many of em could I buy with the money I had so she went ‘uhh, not many tbh’ so i ended up getting like two and when I returned to my aunt’s house she laughed her ass off and said: I meant ‘papas fritas’ (potato chips) Not those! - and uh yeah this is funnier in Spanish but it proves that I’m such an innocent angel I mean wow)

ok so I spent a lot of time at my aunt Lori’s house when I was a kid (like summers, and after school) and my cousin was the BUG queen so she hand made leashes for her pet toads (that she caught) and we walked them around on leashes for like a week but I was always so afraid of them and also hurting them so I WAS NOT ABOUT THAT ahahaha dumb story but it makes me laugh alsoalsoalsdo they had this bench swing in their back yard and my cousin my sister and I would swing on it together for hours at a time and one time we were swinging real hard (REAL HARD) and the links?? or whatever that held it to the ceiling it was hanging from snapped and the three of us of us flew off of it and we all collectively blacked out??? it was so weird but I woke up to my cousin stuggling to get me off of her and then there lays my sister underneath the bench just blacked out chilling (she was fine) then my aunt came running out cause she had just heard the loudest crash ahsdfasdf not long after my uncle put stronger links on it and that bench is still there! From time to time when the three of us get together this story gets brought up its still the most hilarious thing ( ALSO CLOUD YOU ARE SO PURE I LOVE)

If you were offered to start a band, would you accept?

yeah I love music so much why not! not sure I would be able to contribute much  lmao

Mir’s Questions!

If you could travel anywhere, but were completely by yourself, where would you go?

hmmmmm do you mean like I wouldn't be visiting anyone and just traveling alone?? or like going someplace where I know no one?? ok cause for the first I would book it straight to az TO SEE YOU MIR!! AND SISTER!! but for the second I would love to go to Japan (my cousin lives there tho so that also doesn't technically count lmao)

What inspires you?

Music, books, and tv shows! Also really well written characters or just interesting people I guess! but on like a ??spiritual?? level my mom?? she's just that binch you know ( like seriously Ive never met anyone kinder or more driven and hard working in my life she's wild)

How many pets would you have in your ideal future? Any specific names or types in mind?

47 KITS, no realistically I want 2 kittos and they will be named Bellamy and Murphy cause I got too also lowkey want to name a cat rami or Elliot or also kaz or Inej damn all the good names wow. Also the name Calloway is my fav name of all time and I WANT SOMETHING WITH THIS NAME

What are you opinions on fedoras

um eww?? what other opinions are there?? what is this question mir I'm???? but like ngl when worn in a none cringe manner then can look nice!

how many spoons can you balance on your face at once (picture or video proof preferred (i’m trying to get someone to do it pls anyone))

girl I've done my time (lowkey did you put this on her cause I told you about my gravy spoon today???)

What is your favorite type of tree?

I like Birch trees!

If you could convince one person to like kpop who would you convert?

damn MY MOM cause then she might listen to something other than bruno mars once in a while

What are three things you are normally associated with and/or what are three things you want to be associated with?

art, sleeping, reading and um idk?? tbh??? like maybe not being shitty and being funny??? idk??? like I don't know????

If you were in a kpop group what position would you hold (ie. leader, main vocal, moodmaker, etc) feel free to tag your mutuals and who they would be!

um hm im a moody binch bonch so probably moodmaker?? mir is main dancer cause yes duh ivy is leader cause she's the only sane one kennedy I feel would be a great rapper like she got that chic thing going she could do it I feel??? and cloud would be our talent tbh??? nom would be the maknae cause she's small I feel! Jeddy would be my happy virus bud cause she's a fun and funny gal ( I love) Jamie ALSO ONE OF OUR TALENTS wow yes I feel a main vocal here she’d go solo and be singing ballads left and right! JESS WOULD BE THE SWEET MOTHER MEMBER THAT EVERYONE LOVES AND IS JUST THE SOFTEST,,,A SUNSHINE GAL.

If you could have any wild animal as a tame pet what would it be?? (i’m ocelot loyal all the way)

damn idk I'm like horrible at taking care of things (including myself) so like honest id just stick to the kit kats

What is your opinion on mint chocolate chip ice cream? (for maj)

The best ice cream (tho I can't eat it anymore and its very cursed)

Nom’s Questions!

how are you? :D

I’m good Nom thanks for asking!

sad ballads or happy upbeat songs?

Im a ballad ho these days they are honestly all I listen to anymore, but I do love me an good upbeat song I'm just slightly more picky about them!

fave anime movie?

ok tie between Whisper of the Heart and Howl’s Movie Castle, I honestly need to see more that arent Ghibli!

dogs or cats?

Cats! (my dog is practically a cat tbh)

do you keep stuffed animals in your room?

I have one! its a portal companion cube! its not technically an animal BUT I LOVE IT ANYWAY ITS ALL IVE GOT!!!! also if you count tsum tsums I've got a few big hero 6 ones!

someone you miss?

My dad, its been especially hard lately.

describe your phone case?

its like rainbow watercolor! I have a pop socket that matches

favorite lore/myths?

Not technically myth or lore but Beowolf! I've seen the movie at least 40 times and I've read the epic! generally I find northern european mythology/literature to be more interesting than southern. but if we’re going for like ubran myths tbh not really my thing ahahaha.

eardbuds or headphones?

both for different things! but when I first listen to an album I like to listen with my headphones!

can I steal your heart?

you already have ~~~~~~~

favorite thing about your ult bias?

His sensitivity and kind heart! I love a sweet boy! Also I'm really here for Boo’s cheeks!

Jamie’s Questions!

If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life what would it be and why?

ohhh there are a few songs that I really really love, Heize’s Star is a song that I listen to daily and I feel like I could listen to it for the rest of my life! also September by The Shins! Miracle Aligner by The Last Shadow Puppets also. Idk man I just really love songs with a mystical quality to them.

If you were in a kpop group what would your group be called and what would your fandom name be?

BINCH AND OUR FANDOM NAME WOULD BE BONCHES

If you could acquire mastery over ONE skill instantly, what would you pick and why?

Singing!! its just about the only kind of musical talent I think I’d be any good at! Im a vocalist ho I just want to be like my favessssss

First reaction if you spotted your favorite celebrity on the street?

I would literally hide so fast omg

First reaction if your favorite celebrity followed you on your favorite social media site?

SCREAMING ALL THE LOVE FOR BOO SEUNGKWAN 24/7 and literally only doing art of him and nonstop posting it

Snap your fingers and you get to steal your favorite outfit off of a kpop idol. What outfit do you pick, off of whom, and why?

OK literally all of Soonyoungs airport looks cause damn that boy does not get enough credit for his fashion (he's the best dressed in the group fite me)

If you were to get a painless tattoo that you could remove with the press of a button, what would you get and where would you get it?

umm probably something really pretty? and colorful? I'm not sure what put I like  arm tattoos!

What is your most prized possession?

probably my laptop?? also my collection of sketchbooks!

What’s a YouTube/online challenge that you have always wanted to try?

Im always interested to try those youtube art challenges, I've done the three marker challenge before and the draw this again challenge also!

You get a guarantee that your favorite celebrity will see your social media post but you only get 100 characters. What do you say to them?

I would literally just send my art to them! I feel like it says more than 100 characters can!

You wake up in your dream room. What does it look like?

LITERALLY A LIBRARY AND LIKE NICE AND DARK AND WARM BUT NOT TOO WARM LOTS OF BLANKETS

Kennedy’s Questions!

Make a 10-song playlist for your current mood.

it is here

What vine do you quote the most?

what is that?? who you fighting?

What do you value most in a friend?

I like people who are good listeners! but also people can keep a conversation going! But really tho just genuine kindness and openness.

If you could learn any kpop choreography instantly, what would you learn?

DAMN THIS IS HARD, so many great ones that I love a lot but probably Red Flavor?

If you go to your Tumblr activity page, who does it say is your “number one fan?”

damn Idk them so I'm not gonna like tag them or something lol

What is your ideal clothing style?

I like simple dark clothing that is comfortable.

What is your favorite Snapchat filter?

I really like the ugly ones tbh I don't use them enough

What subject would you like to study, but wouldn’t necessarily want to make a career out of? (for example: I really want to learn about botany!)

psychology, I really love learning about how people work.

Would you rather be constantly half an hour early to everything, or constantly 15 minutes late?

early of course, I hate being late

Would you rather have a single day to spend with your top bias or a week to spend with your number 2 bias?

damn neither??? ahahah no a day with boo would be very blessed!

If you could bring back any disbanded OR inactive group, who would you bring back?

F(X) BINCH I NEED MORE MUSIC

My Questions!

if you had to chose one kpop stage outfit to wear for the rest of your life which would you choose?

favorite music video aesthetic?

Group you are most excited for in 2018?

Recommend me some underrated kpop songs/groups?

If you could join any group other than your bias group who would you join and why?

Favorite soloist? and some song recs?

Childhood Story? (thanks Cloud)

Were you in any fandoms before you got into kpop, if so what were they?

Favorite Comeback/debut of 2017?

astrological sign? Myers Briggs type? Hogwarts House (I'm a Gemini, infp, and Gryffindor)

Random question but what are your favorite names?

Tagging : @s-lay-ing @sambashua @achuu-nice @indiepoptime @yongpal-i (y'all can do mine if you feel like it!) @forgetjunnot @babybyuny @kae-popx @kiheehyunie @jeonwoooo @trbldean130 @howcaniwait @joshhjs @maetaamong and if you’ve already done this you don't have to do it again ahahahaha I feel like everyone has done it already lol

ok thats it do it if you want!

[octannibal-blake]

Sad Songs for Dirty Lovers 2/4

By: bellamysdelinquent (ao3:theoneinquisitor)

Rating: mature

Word count: 14,951

Part: 2/4

part ii. never tell the one you love that you do

Read on ao3

part i. 

July 2013

When Clarke was six years old, she got into her first fight. She had been out on the playground, minding her own business, when she saw a group of guys pinning someone to the chainlink fence and reaching into his pocket for, what she presumed, was money. Wells Jaha was a politician’s son, someone they others knew to be rich and privileged and their jealousy constantly made him an easy target. When Clarke had stomped over to the fence and shoved one of the kids to the ground, they quickly scattered, afraid of the tiny blonde with fire in her eyes. Her and Wells stuck together after that, living in their own little bubble in the world. It was good.

She tries to remember the last good moment they had together, tries to cling to it like a lifeforce. They had been eating lunch together and he had been telling her about some science project gone wrong in class. He laughed so hard soda nearly came out of his nose. That’s how she wants to remember him -- all bright smiles and expressive eyes. He was a shining star in the night sky, the kind that draws your attention from all the others. The one that all the other stars want to be.

It’s easy to conjure that vision of him during the day. When something reminds her of him and draws as smile from her lips. The kit-kats at the checkout counter of the corner store, TIME magazine sitting on the newsstand. When she sees Halle Berry on her TV. There are memories of him wrapped in the universe but when she closes her eyes those don’t exist. In the dark shadows of the night, the only thing she can see is the way he looked at her just before the accident. She had been all tears and snot in the passenger's seat, her drunken rage vibrating the entire vehicle. His free hand rubbed circles into her shoulders while his other gripped the wheel firmly. At the red light, he had pulled her into a hug and allowed her to wipe her face into his shoulder.

“He doesn’t deserve you,” was what he said and it was with such conviction, so much that she actually believed him. The light turned green and she’s giving him a watery smile. Then she’s waking up in hospital a week later feeling numb to the world, feeling detached from her own body. And Wells was gone. Just like that.

Nightmares were constant for the first few months. Every night she would wake up screaming his name, reliving that moment over and over. Sometimes it’s like she is watching the accident from above, watching her own body get tossed through the window as the truck crushes the driver’s side. She’d crawl into bed with her dad on those nights and sob into his chest. The thoughts were always the same. It’s not fair. It’s not fair. It should have been me.

She wasn’t alone in her loathing. Thelonius Jaha visited her exactly one time while she was in the hospital recovering, a month long process. He walked in and like a coward, she pretended to be asleep.

“I wish it were you,” he spoke his peace, spoke what she had told herself over and over, and as his footsteps disappeared down the hallway, she felt herself fall apart.

She hasn’t seen him again. From what limited information her dad would give her, he finished his mayoral term in December and then retired somewhere to mourn the loss of his son. She doesn’t blame him. She got out of the hospital and did physical therapy to get the strength in her legs back. Like some sick joke, she made a full recovery with only the scars lining her back left as a reminder of what she did.

The nightmares come less frequently. She never knows when, but even when they do they’re less vivid. Sometimes she’s trapped in a bright room and Wells stands in front of her and asks her to help him. Help me. Help me. He says nothing else.

That’s how she wakes up on this particular day. His voice is still echoing in her head when she sits up in bed and glances at the clock. Seven a.m. She clicks on the desk lamp and pulls out her sketchpad, willing herself to draw him the way she wants to remember him. Her biggest fear is that she’ll forget his smile. She’ll forget his laugh. It terrifies her.

As she concentrates on the lines of his face, she can’t help but wonder what he would think about her choices. He had always accepted her for who she was, logical, sometimes too serious. When she wanted to date girls and boys. He never judged her. But what would he say about her now?

“You can’t fuck the guilt away, Clarke,” she imagines him crossing his arms in frustration when she tells him about Bellamy. He would ask her to think about it and tell her to be careful. He wouldn't judge her or insist that she stop -- he always understood that about her. Clarke has never been great at following direction and, admittedly, is as stubborn as they come.

“I just want you to be happy.” He would say. She would give anything to hear him say it.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing with Bellamy. Maybe she is still trying to free herself from the guilt. Maybe she’s trying to heal the only way she knows how. She finds solace in his sheets, a peaceful calm and perhaps she’s using him for that. But does it matter if she’s being used to?

Despite the bluster and cocky confidence he seems to exude, she knows there is more to him than meets the eye. She’s seen the way sometimes he’ll have a distant look in his eyes, like even though he’s in the middle of a bar or surrounded by friends, he’s somewhere completely different. She notices the way his smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes, the way some days he’ll fuck her without even saying a word like he’s trying to find a release from it all. She knows that’s what it is because she’s doing it too.

It’s become a frequent occurrence. Most nights they spend together end back in his room, tangled up in one another and acting out their dirtiest thoughts while keeping their dirtiest secrets. She still hasn't shown the scars on her back. To his credit, he's not once even hinted at asking about the way she flinches when his hand gets too close. She's also very good at hiding them -- sex in his bedroom happens in the dark and they're usually in his bedroom. A few instances have included dingy bar restrooms but those never really involve clothes removal. He seems to know better than to ask and for that, she’s grateful.

During the day, nothing has changed. They put books away in the library and sometimes bicker among the stacks when they don’t agree on something. She continues to attend weekly outings at the Ark and she loves them, she laughs and it’s natural. They make her laugh. They make her feel like she’s moving forward instead of back. It's strange to her how easy she's adjusted here. In the small amount of time she's found people she clicks with, a routine that she enjoys.

So it goes, normalcy can't keep for long. When she finishes her sketch and resigns herself to being up, she shuffles into the kitchen to start a pot of coffee. She finds herself greeted by an already steaming pot and her mom sipping from her own mug in the kitchen. She's home from work, but the work never really ends..

“There’s a benefit, tonight,” she says after a particularly stilted conversation about the weather, “I thought we could go together.”

By no means does Clarke believe this to be some attempt at mother-daughter bonding. It's a chance for her to tell everyone what a great doctor she will be someday. That her daughter got into Northwestern and how proud she is. She wants to tell her NO way. That she has more exciting plans to attend to. But instead she chokes down her coffee and nods her head and the day is consumed by dress shopping and hair appointments.

Very rarely has she truly felt the benefits of having money. Her dad is an environmentalist, having spent years working in D.C for the EPA. For the last few years, he's been teaching at Ark U. He's no stranger to wealth, but he never cared about affording the nicest or newest material things. He prefers modest living and Clarke has to say she agrees.

After taking her out to buy a dress for the occasion (and shoes, because matching is important), she then finds herself at a salon having someone professionally tame her curls and pluck her overgrown eyebrows. She somehow manages to text Bellamy in between these events

Clarke: won't be able to do your job for you today, hope you can keep up.

Bellamy: guess I'll have to convince someone else to do it for me. Research shows there's a correlation between mansplaining art and people offering to help.

She has to bite her lip to suppress her laughter.

Clarke: research is inconclusive. I'll be more impressed when your sample size is >1.

Her mom calls for a driver to pick them up and it feels so freakishly Hollywood to her. Even more so when they arrive and are helped from the vehicle on the outside of some regal building. She thinks back to Bellamy insinuating that she's royalty. He'd sure get a kick out of it now.

The night is as tedious as she expects. It's all firm handshakes and impressive whistles when her mom delicately places her hands on Clarke's shoulders and informs them of her aspirations. Networking, is how her mom classified it. Professional ass kissing seems like a better term.

The most interesting person of the night catches her eye for unexpected reasons. Marcus Kane slips a comfortable arm around her mother and introduces himself as the co-founder of the non-profit benefiting from the event. She watches the way her mom's cheeks flush and she slides from his grasp clearing her throat. She excuses herself to the restroom and it's all very inconspicuous.

“So,” Marcus seems unfazed by the awkward encounter, “Your mom said you're going to school to be doctor?”

She's done well at saying yes thus far but she's beginning to feel exhausted by the constant question and she accidentally says the first thing that comes to mind.

“Apparently,” she says, less than enthused by the prospect. She expects him to seem astounded or at least somewhat surprised by he answer. Instead he gives small chuckle.

“Well, word of advice,” he leans in like he's ready to extend the secrets of the universe, “Don't do anything you aren't passionate about.”

That sticks with her the rest of the night as she listens to people rattle off their accomplishments with little excitement. She notices how some of them, despite their impressive record, seem more sad. The way they drink the champagne a little too fast and offer fake laughter and shitty jokes. Could this be her? Would she be that person ten years from now, with the long winded introduction as the highlight of her Life?

The thought alone gives her anxiety. Half way through the third speaker, she leans over to her mom and tells her she needs to leave. While unknowing to the full extent of her daughter's trauma, she doesn't argue. She assumes, like most would, that she's been triggered by something and needs to get the hell out. It's not a completely inaccurate assumption. The trigger just isn't what she thought it would be.

She doesn't go home. Instead she climbs in the Uber and it takes her to the familiar house on the outskirts of Boston, the red door and quiet neighborhood offering a comfort she doesn't think she'd get at the condo. She didn't even text Bellamy to see if he's home. Her phone died a couple of hours ago.

She sees a light peaking through the front blind and knocks on the door before she can second guess it. Even if it’s Miller, she'll be happy. He has a way of diffusing tension with his subtle humor. She has learned to appreciate it.

She still feels a small relief when Miller isn’t the one to answer the door.

Bellamy’s jaw opens slightly, his eyes sliding down her body and the outfit adorning it. He gains his composure fairly quickly, “To what do I owe the pleasure, Princess?”

When she doesn't crack a smile it seems to register that something isn’t quite right, “Clarke?”

Despite the breeze of the cool summer night and being outside, she feels like things are closing in on her. What if she's been working her entire life for something she doesn't want? What if she won't be happy? What if she doesn't deserve to be happy?

Determined to quiet her mind she surges forward and pulls him into her. His lips dry and rough, hers fierce and determined. He hesitates for a brief moment, like he wants to ask her what's wrong, but he wraps his arms around her waist instead and pulls her into the house.

“Miller is at Bryan’s,” he mumbles in between kisses. She pulls off his t-shirt in response. They fumble down the hall and she reaches behind her to pull the zipper of her dress but he stops her.

“Keep it on,” he growls and before she can react, he hikes the fabric up to her waist and covers her with his hand, palming her over her underwear. She hooks on of her legs on his hip to grant him better access. She kisses his neck, sucking on the spot between his neck and shoulder that she knows gets him hot.

When he feels she's good and wet, he sinks to his knees and delicately removes her underwear and begins to lick at her. She's never been with someone who enjoys going down on her so much. He does it nearly time they're together and he is really fucking good at it. One of her thighs rests on his shoulder and a hand tangles itself into his hair. Her free hand keeps the dress well above her waist.

He doesn't stay down there long, just enough to have her teetering on the edge. When he stands up, he places his hands firmly under ass and lifts her into the wall, pinning her there with his body. He doesn't even bother to take his shorts off. He pulls them down enough to free his cock before entering her with a hard thrust.

He fucks her against the wall in rough strokes while her heels dig into his ass. He tells her how hot she is, how good she feels, and he repeats her name like a prayer. She comes undone with his name on her lips, her body trembling against his. He let's her down gently and she wastes no time sinking to her knees to take him in her mouth. She can taste herself on his cock as she swirls her tongue around the head before taking him in. He gathers her curls into his hand as she goes and he cums deep in her throat with a guttural moan.

She stands and he moves away, grabbing a towel from the nearby kitchen for her to wipe her mouth. She takes it gratefully and follow him into the kitchen. He reaches into the fridge to grab something and hands her a bottle of water.

She slides onto the countertop and kicks off her heels before taking a swig.

“You want to talk about it?” he asks finally, drumming his hands on the counter. She wants to tell him it's nothing, to thank him for the water and be on her way. But she wouldn't still be here if that's what she really wanted. She wouldn't have come at all.

“I don't want to be a doctor,” she whispers, picking at the label on the bottle, “Not even a little bit.”

He still thinks she's already in school. She never corrected him on that. It hasn't really come up again and she thinks maybe she should tell him. But she can't quite get it out.

“Then don't.” he offers the solution like it's the most simple thing in the world. Sure, she could go home tonight and tell her mom that she isn't doing it. But come fall, somehow she'll find herself enrolled in more Bio courses than needed. It's not that easy.

“You don't get it,” she blurts out. It's a mistake. The natural progression of a statement like that is continuing to explain why. Explaining why means revealing something deeply personal. Against the rules.

“Then explain it,” he says before sliding onto the countertop next to and kicking his feet for good measure. He's all ears.

She stares at him for a moment. He's a mess, still shirtless with tousled hair and flushed cheeks. But his eyes, he's watching her with genuine interest, like despite their agreement he truly wants to know these things about her.

Instead she sighs, “My mom is a surgeon.”

She should stop there. Leave it with a simple statement and let him fill in the blanks. However, once she opens her mouth and it's like a dam breaks. She tells him about her mom, how she works herself to the bone. How she put work before her family and how that is the last thing Clarke ever wants to do. In her heart, she doesn't feel anything. She reads the books she's supposed to read, she memorized what she's supposed to know. But it's missing something.

“You don't have passion for it,” he concludes for her when she fumbles on the words she's looking for.

“I really don't.”

Bellamy slides a hand onto her leg and gives it a reassuring squeeze. His fingers warm through the thin fabric of her dress.

“What would you do?” he asks after a moment of comfortable silence, “If you were to pick something else?”

The answer slides off her tongue easier than she anticipates, “Art.”

He doesn't seem surprised by this, he only chuckles lightly, “Of course.”

“What do you mean?”

He just shakes his head with a small grin, “You know Puvis de Chavannes. And don't think I haven't seen the sketch book buried beneath those shitty anatomy books.”

She can't help but smile a little, “Always the observer aren't You?”

He shrugs, “Believe it or not I am actually interested in being friends. And I like knowing things about friends.”

She takes a long drink of her water to process. It’s not that she doesn't want to be friends with Bellamy, but it's so much more complicated than that. Clarke has a tendency to cling to people once she lets them in. Wells. Raven. She doesn't want to cling to him, partially because she has to leave and she knows it will hurt like hell to build up a relationship, even a friendship, just for it to fall apart. The second thing is, and it's only been a fleeting thought but frightening all the same, she doesn't want to replace Wells. It's stupid because it's not what's happening at all but she still feels guilt. She isn't sure that guilt will ever go away.

“Hey,” Bellamy places a hand on her arm and shakes gently, “You okay? You zoned out for a second.”

His friendship wouldn't be the worst thing in the world. She can be friends with him without letting him in. They can talk movies and frustration. They have the added benefit of sex and she feels good around him. Lighter somehow. She doesn't want to push that away.

She hops off the counter a little to enthusiastically, “Okay, friend. Any chance I can borrow some sweatpants and hang out for a while. We can watch one of your stupid documentaries.”

He gasps in faux hurt, “They aren't stupid. They’re educational.”

She actually laughs at that, “God, you are such a nerd.”

He flips her off before going to his room. He comes back with a t shirt and pajama pants for her to put on, “You want a beer or something?”

She doesn't bother going to the bathroom. Just skips the pants on underneath her dress and reaches behind her to pull the zipper, “I'm good.”

When he turns to reach in the fridge she quickly pulls on the t-shirt. She slides the dress of and lays it delicately over the counter before joining him on the couch.

“You looked nice, by the way.”

“Why the past tense? Are you saying I don't look nice now?”

When he gives a small gesture of his hand as if to say so-so, she launches the throw pillow at his head. After a moment of wrestling over it, she finally gives in and just settles into his side. He gives her a victorious grin before pressing play on the docuseries about the Cold War.

It's nearly two a.m when she decides it's time to head home. Part of her is tempted just sleep on his couch because it's so fucking late and she's exhausted. But staying the night is off the table and even if she's tired she isn't going to break it. Her Uber arrives and she grabs her dress from the counter. Bellamy walks her to the door and gives her a quick hug.

“Let me know when you get home.”

She waves goodbye and slides into the backseat. She can do friendship. Definitely.

*

Friendship is just as problematic as she hoped it wouldn't be. With any normal person it would be easy, but it's Bellamy and he's far from normal (which, knowing that is a problem in itself). He's too good a friend. A great friend, really. Supportive. Affectionate. Caring to the point of being a tad bit overbearing, but worst of all, he's observant. And now that they've crossed some metaphorical threshold into an actual friendship, he's much more vocal about the things he notices.

They’re at trivia night the following Wednesday, post friendship declaration, and the typical pitchers of beer adorn their table. It's during the intermission, Miller steps out to smoke while Harper and Gina run to the bathroom. He's running a thumb over her bare knee and she's staring off into space when he catches her off guard.

“How come you don't drink?” He muses and her eyes snap to his. She shouldn't be that surprised, it's not like she makes a show of pretending any more. It's probably quite obvious (it isn't, actually, only someone who genuinely cared to know would notice but she's not ready to admit that).

She tries to shrug it off, “Not a fan of alcohol.”

He sips his beer thoughtfully, “So you use your cleavage to have people buy you a water?”

“Or to pretend I bought the drink for someone else,” she counters with a playful nudge. This is safe, she thinks.

“Ah, so you let someone buy you a drink and then use the free drink to pick up someone else?”

She laughs, “Exactly.”

He watches her for a brief a moment, like she's a riddle he can't quite figure out. Like he knows she's only telling half-truths and avoiding the rest. Which, she is. And it's scary that he's already able to read that.

He let’s it go, thankfully, and they continue on to win trivia -- they are reigning champs three weeks in a row. She doesn't want to brag, but she is definitely a large part of that. She and Wells played trivial pursuit fairly often with her Dad. Her head is full of random facts.

She doesn't begin to worry until he asks her about her back. They’re making out on his couch, per usual, and his hand slides up her hip and move inward. That's something he hasn't done, not since the first time they hooked up and she flinches away. The reaction is very much the same, she jerks away uncomfortably and effectively ruins the moment.

“Is your back okay?” he pulls away, brow furrowed in concern. She slides from his lap and shrinks into the corner. Even in all the times they've fucked, he's never seen it. He's never seen the long, dark scar contrasting her pale skin.

“It's fine,” she whispers and she hates how pathetic she sounds. He places a light touch to her wrist -- she hadn't realized she had closed herself in on the couch, wrapped herself in a tight ball like she's cowering from something.

“Hey,” he murmurs, “You can talk to me, you know.”

She hates the way her heart flutters at that, how her body instinctively relaxes at the sound of his voice, calm and caring. That's too much. She leaves him that night with a kiss on the cheek, a “thank you but I can't” sort of gesture. He gets it, or seems to, because he doesn't push. Just reminds her to let him know she got home safe. It's clear as day, how fucked up things have gotten, but she refuses to see it. Friends, that's all it is. He really cares about his friends. * Things go from fucked to royally fucked almost three weeks into the initial arrangement. She skips the library that Wednesday to hang out with her mom who, shockingly, managed to get a day off. They go to breakfast and shop around town. She’s strangely attentive, asking if she’s nervous for school and how she can help her prepare. They even buy some dorm things while they’re out, particularly a really nice bedspread (she’s into that shit, okay?). She finds that it isn’t a terrible experience and it feels almost like they have a normal relationship. They don’t talk about med school or her mom’s job even once. She supposes it’s her mom’s way of making up for her sudden departure. According to her, some conference popped up and she has to be there. She doesn’t ask for the details, except when she’ll be back. She has the rest of the week to herself, which she isn’t complaining. Not like she’s there much anymore, anyway..

After dropping her things back at the apartment and sending her mom off in a cab with the reassurance that she would definitely not trash the apartment, she changes into the dress she had bought, a blue and white striped cotton dress with an A-neckline and heads out for the night. She picked it because the weather had been miserably hot and she couldn’t stand to keep wearing jeans when she was sweating her ass off. Also, it may or may not have made her boobs look amazing and lately, well, she just enjoys dressing up a little more.

She gets to the Ark around six and greets the familiar group as she slides into the booth. Gina pats her on the back and Miller tips his beer towards her. It isn’t until trivia begins that she realizes Bellamy hasn’t shown up yet. He normally rolls in right before it starts but no one seems to be expecting him and come to think of it, they haven’t spoken at all today. She’d been tied up and he had been working, though even then he usually sends a text or two to tell her about what she’s missing.

“Is Bellamy not coming?” she asks and she’s met with apprehensive stares. Harper looks at her drink like it’s the most interesting thing in the world while the others glance at Miller.

“What happened?” she feels herself start to panic for a moment. Surely if something bad happened to him, they wouldn’t all be at fucking trivia.

“He’s fine,” Miller reassures her and takes a long sip. He’s stalling. She knows because she’s the queen of stalling.

“What don’t I know?”

“I’m gonna grab a drink,” Gina comments and Harper follows suit, leaving her and Miller alone in the booth.

“Miller…”she eggs him on. Clearly there’s something but he doesn’t want her to know what.

“If he wanted you to know, he would have told you, okay?”

It’s not an answer she expects and it isn’t like he says it harshly, but it seems to give her whiplash all the same. She understands what he’s saying, though. It’s personal and the whole point of them is to not get personal. Miller has definitely been made aware of their...arrangement. She doesn’t mean to be loud when he’s home, but Bellamy really knows how to work her and sometimes she can’t help it.

“Okay.” and that’s all she can say really. She won’t push it any further because she has no right. She knows he’s alive and healthy and that’s all that matters. She finishes trivia with them and they come in fourth. None of them were particularly into it this week and. It's about time someone else won. They’re about to head back to Harper’s for their pizza and beer Netflix marathon but she decides to head out. She’s not much in the mood for pizza and admittedly, it would feel weird to be there without Bellamy. It shouldn't, she considers them all friends, but she knows it would. They don’t push her and she calls an Uber to take her back to the apartment. For the first time in almost two months she finds herself going home by nine p.m.

The apartment is eerily quiet, especially knowing her mom won’t be there for the next five days. It feels empty. She turns on the big screen for some noise, throwing on reruns of the Office to try and perk up the place. She heats up some leftover lasagna that her mom made earlier in the week and plops onto the couch. Still not feeling quite satisfied and frankly, a bit lonely, she calls her Dad. When he answers, she immediately feels bad because he sounds exhausted and she had probably woke him up. She just tells him she misses him and loves him, letting him get back to sleep. He doesn’t protest that. She shoots a text to Raven to see if she’s busy. When she says she's available, Clarke opts for FaceTime.

“Hello, stranger,” Raven says cheerily from her end of the phone. She looks like she’s just rolled out of bed, hair sticking out at awkward angles and eyes squinting to adjust to the light she had turned on.

“Did I wake you up, Grandma?” she retorts and Raven rolls her eyes dramatically.

“Says the girl who spends free time at the library.”

She snorts, “Yeah, but that was so I could get laid.”

Raven’s eyes widen at that, “Tell me everything!”

She does. She tells her all about Bellamy and their, er, friendship.. She thought it would feel strange to talk about it, especially as the girl who had broke up Raven’s last relationship (unintentional, but still). But Raven listens intently, even smiling when Clarke tells her all about how good it is.

“He's good in bed, huh?” she asks with a grin.

“Definitely,” She confirms. And he really is. Attentive and selfless, always making sure she gets off at least once but goes the extra mile to make it twice. He also tends to talk nasty with her which has become one of her favorite things.

As if on cue, her phone buzzes in her hand. A text drops down from the top and Bellamy’s name pops up.

“Hang on,” she tells her friend and opens the text. It’s short and to the point.

Bellamy: you home?

She types a quick reply before switching back to FaceTime.

Clarke: yep

“So friends with benefits, huh?” Raven muses aloud before turning serious, “Are you okay with that?”

“Absolutely,” She answers automatically, “He's cool and I like hanging out with him. He's also great in bed. But at the end of the day he doesn't have to know anything about me I don't want him to.”

Raven sighs, “And this doesn't have anything to do with Finn?”

“Raven,” She warns but the girl cuts her off.

“Just hear me out. I know we haven't talked about it much but I know you cared about him and he broke your heart. I know it takes a lot for you to trust someone and you're afraid to do that again…”

Her phone vibrates and interrupts Ravens totally inappropriate (though somewhat accurate) monologue about her fear of dating.

Bellamy: i need you

As far as texts go, it’s the most candid he’s ever been with her. Normally they don’t text each other for booty calls late at night, or really in general. They’re together quite a bit and they usually end up back at his place on those days. Yet, his text his pretty straightforward. He’s bootycalling her and she isn’t opposed, except this time they don’t have to worry about making Miller’s ears bleed.

                          Clarke: mom’s gone for a couple of days if you want a change of scenery.

She doesn’t even get to close her messages before he replies.

                                                                                          Bellamy: be there in 10.

“Wow, thanks for ignoring me. I'm trying to have a serious conversation here.”

“I'm sorry,” she gives her an apologetic smile, “I hear what you're saying and you're right, I'm still reluctant to trust other people. But Raven, you know it's more than that.”

It's not wanting to depend on other people. It's still dealing with the grief of losing her best friend. Of reconciling her guilt. It's her inevitable move to a different city, a place to start over. She's in limbo right now. The best thing she can offer in the way of emotional attachments extends to Raven and her Dad.

“I know.”

She and Raven continue to talk, mostly about her job at the shop and how much she hates her boss. She's sticking it through because the experience will look good on her resume but she is definitely ready for a new job.

She almost forgets she's expecting someone until the doorbell rings.

“Isn’t it like almost ten up there?” Raven asks squinting into the camera, “Who the hell is out this late?”

She just grins at the camera and Raven rolls her eyes, “Ugh. Go get laid or whatever. I'll talk to you tomorrow.”

She beams, “Love you, Reyes.”

“Yeah, you too, Griffin.”

She opens the door as she hangs up, the blanket drooping from her shoulders. She barely gets a good look at him before his hands are on her face and he’s pushing her back with a ferocious kiss. She manages to kick the door shut as they stumble back into the wall. His hands are everywhere. Her ass, her waist, her hair. She doesn’t mind. She likes when he’s a bit rough (a kink they discovered not long into their sexual relationship). He pins her hands to the wall and runs his tongue along her throat and collarbone.

“Bellamy,” she groans as he presses into her, his want for her already very much obvious. Her hip hits the foyer table and she has to throw her hand out to catch the vase that began to tilt.

“As much as I’d love to be taken against the wall, I don’t feel like explaining to my mom why her vases are broken,” she manages to get out as his hand grazes her through her underwear, very much under the dress she's been wearing.

He lets her move away from the wall and she takes his hand, guiding him to the guest bedroom. While she’d be fine against the wall or even on the couch, it feels weird to do it on her mom’s furniture. At least she can change the sheets on the bed. When she pulls him into the bedroom, he’s on her again before she can react. She allows him to yank the dress over her head before they fall onto the bed, a flurry of limbs and lips. He shucks his own clothes rather quickly, making sure to grab the condom from his wallet before tossing it all to the side. Even in the rough quiet of it all, he still throws a leg over his shoulder and goes down on her. His mouth is forceful, burying into her like can’t get close enough and it’s fierce enough to bring one of the most intense orgasms of her life. He doesn’t even wait for her to finish before he flips on her on her stomach and enters her from behind. It’s one of her favorite positions and he knows it. The angle hits all of her best spots and gives him the best leverage to go as deep as possible.

“Fuck, yes!” she moans into the darkness and he grips her ass tightly as he pounds into her. He slides one hand into her hair and tugs on it, not forcefully but just hard enough to cause her to cry out in pleasure.Within minutes she’s screaming his name a second time. Part of what makes being with Bellamy addicting is that somehow, he gets her off quicker and more times than anyone. It’s not uncommon for her to cum twice and three times on a good day. He’s fucking talented.

Tonight is a good night for her. Though it’s the least vocal he’s ever been, the bedroom absent of his normal expletives and dirty talk, he still lets out low moans and it’s enough for her at this point. She’s on the cusp of cumming for a third time when she finally feels him pick up pace and stiffen inside her. As if knowing she had almost reached the third peak, he pulls out but reaches around her and rubs at the nub between her legs. Her entire body begins to tremble under his hand, but with the magic touch he’s able to push her over the edge one more time.

They collapse next to each other, their breaths ragged and the intensity of the moment hanging in the air. By the time her lust filled haze is gone, she realizes he hasn’t spoken a single word and that bothers her. More than that, it worries her.

“Bellamy?” she questions softly and she feels him stiffen in the bed. She moves a hand over carefully, grazing his wrist with her fingertips as a semblance of comfort. Something is wrong. She can feel it.

“Talk to me,” her voice is gentle. She doesn’t want to push him. She doesn’t want to force him in revealing parts of himself he doesn’t want to. They set boundaries and she, of all people, should respect them.

“I’m okay,” his voice is broken, not in a sad way but like it’s hoarse from lack of use. It’s not a believable statement by any means.

“You can talk to me, you know?” she’s mirroring his same sentiments when she had showed up at his house unannounced to unload her personal baggage in a moment of weakness. It's opening the floor up for something dangerous, she knows, but if they’re going to be friends, she has to offer support of some kind. It seems big, bigger than something sex can fix.

He turns his palm over, where her fingers had been idly moving and grips them in his hand. His voice is softer when he speaks. Vulnerable, “I know.”

He knows. He isn’t ready, at least, not right now. So instead of pressing, she moves over and nuzzles her head into the crook of his neck. Instinctively, his arm moves behind her. They lay there, just like that. Naked. Together.

And that’s how they manage to break two rules in one night.

*

When she wakes up the following morning she becomes acutely aware of two things. She is still very much naked and there is a heavy arm currently weighing down on her waist. She should feel guilty for letting him stay and crossing one of the few boundaries they had, but he had made the choice to stay. As long as they’re on the same page about things, she thinks, then they have nothing to worry about.

She grabs her phone off the nightstand to check the time and at first it doesn’t register how late it is, but then as she’s scrolling through Facebook, she realizes that it’s a weekday. Ten a.m on a weekday.

She places a hand on his shoulder, gripping the muscle gently, and shakes, “Bellamy?”

He stirs, eyes twitching but not opening.

She shakes a little harder this time, “Bell?”

He grunts in response, “That’s what my sister calls me. It’s weird.”

So he has a sister. That’s interesting, she thinks. She’s curious, but keeps her thoughts to herself.

“You have a really exhausting name to say,” she replies instead.

He opens his eyes and she gives him a guilty smile, “You realize you’re late for work?”

If he cares at all, he doesn’t show it. He slides his arm down her side and onto her thigh, giving it a quick squeeze before closing his eyes again.

“Unless you just said fuck their books and quit?” she questions and he shakes his head.

“I have the rest of the week off.”

“Lucky you,” she says innocently and his eyes open again, a strange emotion flickering across. He quickly composes himself.

“Seriously,” concern creeping into her otherwise neutral voice, “Are you okay?”

He sighs, like he would really like her to stop asking but she can’t help it. Something is clearly off with him. It doesn’t take a genius to know that.

“You really wanna know?”

She shrugs, not wanting to push him,“That’s up to you. Do you really wanna tell me?”

He doesn’t hesitate this time, “I think so.”

They're lying face to face, and she brushes a curl from his eye before letting her hand fall to rest on his cheek, stroking at the newly formed stubble. He takes a deep breath, trying to allow her touch to soothe him.

“My mom died,” he tells her and she freezes, “I mean, yesterday was the anniversary. It’s been four years.”

There’s never a right thing to say in these moments, so she decides to keep it simple, “I’m sorry, Bellamy.”

He shakes his head, “It still hits me, even now. She had gone out to the grocery to grab some stuff and it was raining. I guess on the way home she lost control of the car...:”

She lets him take as long as he needs to fill the silence, stroking his arms with her nails, offering comfort in the best way she can, “I just feel guilty about it. She had gone to get stuff for me, to celebrate going to school and what not.”

“It’s not your fault,” she whispers stupidly. She’s sure he knows that but it still feels necessary to say.

“I know,” he gives her a half-smile, “But after she died, I told my sister I would take care of her. My sister, my responsibility. She’s younger than me and she needed me.”

She stays quiet, knowing it’s not reassurance he’s looking for but someone to listen. She can give him that.

“And instead I chose to go off to college while she had to stay with a family friend.”

She can hear the guilt in his voice, the way it seems to weigh heavy on him, “Is she happy there?”

He nods and she gives him a reassuring squeeze, “I bet she’s so happy to see you doing something for yourself.”

“She is. At least, that’s what she tells me. But I still feel guilty, you know?”

“Yeah,” she answers truthfully, “I know.”

He doesn’t say anything else and for a moment she thinks he fell back asleep. But the he reaches up and runs his thumb along her cheek, “I’m sorry about last night.”

“You have nothing to apologize for,” she responds immediately. And he doesn’t. She’s glad she could help, even if was just being an outlet for his emotion.

“I was rough,” he moves his thumb down to her wrist were a small, faint bruise has appeared. She’s comfortable with it. She is a consenting adult and she, admittedly, likes it a bit rough.

“You know I like it that way,” she smiles and she feels the tension start to slowly dissipate.

“True,” he responds. They lie together and she thinks about bringing up the fact that staying the night was violation of boundaries but he interrupts her.

“Does your mom keep food here or does she survive on take-out like you?”

She laughs, “She’s probably got something. But you’re cooking. Unless toast is enough for you. I’m a shit cook.”

They get dressed and wander into the kitchen. She sits on the counter as he cooks and they talk idly about his best memories of his mom and she tells him a bit about her own family. It’s strange because she still doesn’t even know his last name. Doesn’t know his birthday, but she knows some of his deepest secrets. She’s seen him at his most vulnerable.

She can feel the third rule withering away, cracking beneath everything they’ve done, beneath the weight of their longing stares, damage from every touch they share. She doesn't know it yet, but they're creating a perfect storm and perfect storms have to make landfall eventually.

*

She should put a stop to it. She should send him home that afternoon if only to keep their boundaries firmly in place. Letting him stay the night was a fluke, something she did because he is her friend and he needed comfort. It won’t happen again, she tells herself.

They go out that night for their weekly karaoke get together and things are relatively normal. She joins Miller for their amazing rendition Tango Maureen from Rent. Bellamy sings his usual (a dramatic interpretation of Losing my Religion), and when Harper shows up with Roma, she introduces Clarke as a friend. Everyone’s friend. But when the night ends, and they go their separate ways, she finds herself asking if he wants to walk her home. He agrees and they wake up the next morning the same way they did the day before.

They spend the entire five days like that. Every day she wakes up and reminds herself that she can’t get used to this, that she needs to be careful. But then she stumbles into the kitchen and he’s got a fresh pot of coffee ready and is sitting at the counter reading the newspaper and it’s like she can’t breathe. She can’t do anything because his glasses are sliding down his nose and his forehead is creased in concentration and he’s filling in the crossword puzzle. She blows him just like that, in the middle of the kitchen, and he tells her he needs a shower and once again they’re tangled up in one another and the day is half over before they’re even ready to leave the apartment. They start finding excuses not to.

It rains on Saturday so they spend their time indoors on the couch, binging Netflix documentaries while he rattles off interesting facts about the time period or becomes so engaged that he doesn’t say a word throughout the entire thing. She never knows how it’s going to go, but she finds herself enjoying it either way. He manages to find something for them to eat, cooking a random assortment of ingredients left around the house and making them a meal. It’s probably the first time she’s had three consecutive meals since she was younger.

“Where did you learn to cook?” she can’t help but ask, curious to know how he manages to come up with a dish with a random assortment of items.

He’s stirring a pot of noodles while she sits on the counter next to him. He squeezes her leg affectionately, “My mom wasn’t around much growing up. I was usually in charge of making sure my sister ate.”

It’s another clip of who he is, some other piece of the puzzle she’s been collecting over time. He never reveals much, the most he’s ever told her had been the first night, the anniversary of his mom's death. But she catches small tidbits -- his sister is four years younger than him and he cares about her more than anyone in the world, sometimes he feels guilty about going off to college and leaving her in their hometown. Much of him is still a mystery and she’s glad to keep it that way. What she’s afraid of is that if he reveals to much of himself, she won’t be ready to walk away. What she’s more afraid of is that she might already be there.

That same night, in the midst of their documentary marathon, they end up watching one about the porn industry and find themselves arguing about the pros and cons of porn.

“It gives unrealistic expectations!” she is saying over the movie as a younger woman with a very large, and evidently fake, chest is speaking, “That’s not what sex is like in real life!”

“I think you’re having sex with the wrong people,” he challenges and he gives her mischievous smile.

“So you’re telling me that this is usually what sex is like for you?” she asks, gesturing to the current scene flashing across the screen. It’s a clip of one of the dramatic pornos, the kind that start with shitty dialogue and contain overly compensating moans. The girl on the screen is cleaning floors in a maids outfit, the kind of outfit seen often on Halloween in an effort to get laid. The guy comes in and starts beating it right in front of her and tells her to “clean it”. It’s fucking weird and she has no idea how people get off to this.

“You’ve never had sexual fantasies before?”

They never finish the documentary. She mentions her fantasy of being dominant, tying someone up and just wrecking their body. He volunteers to be her test subject very quickly. She’s hesitant at first, suddenly feeling self-conscious about what she does and how she does it. But then he whispers how much he wants her in her ear, sending shiver of anticipation down her spine and she can’t control it. They make due with what’s lying around the house (mostly belts she packed in her suitcase) and she doesn’t think she’ll ever experience anything like it again. She taunts him, hovering over his mouth so he can smell her and almost graze his tongue along her dripping cunt and he is begging for her by the time she gives it to him. She cums to the sound of him pleading her name as she rides him, her ass smacking against his thighs. It's the closest thing to heaven she thinks she'll ever get.

For him, he tells her his fantasy always involves a beach. They leave the apartment that night, backpacks filled with flashlights and blankets and make their way to Carson Beach. It's empty and he takes her to his favorite spot, one he says he comes to when he needs to clear his head because it has the best view of the galaxy. The sand is still wet from the afternoon storm, but the sky is filled with a million shining stars and he fucks her, slow and gentle, and they sink into the sand together.

He tells her about his favorite constellations. To her, they're abstract stars-- balls of gas suspended in space and time. But he rattles off their names, telling her the history behind each one. Some hold deep meaning, she learns. Deriving from Greek mythology and Latin history. Others are simple. She finds her favorite one he tells her about is the one whose name means swan. She isn’t sure how long they spend like that, but it's late when they shuffle home and finally fall into bed together to sleep.

He goes quickly, his soft breathing turned to gentle snores almost as soon as he hits the pillow. She lies awake, wondering just how much longer she'll be able to pretend she hasn't already broken rule three.

It's a restless sleep and she gives up once she sees sunlight begins to peek in between her blinds. Bellamy remains fast asleep, his arms pillows under his head and the muscles of his bare back flexing with every breath.

She slips out from next to him, pulling on the sweatshirts draped around the chair. She moves to sit in the desk next to them, pulling her sketchpad from its forgotten place in the drawer. She wants to remember him like this, she decides, all sharp edges and beautiful angles. He really is something to behold, beautiful on the outside and on the inside.

She draws him as he is, lying on his stomach with the covers falling off his hips but covering the more delicate parts of him. She works the charcoal onto the page, sketching each detail as best as she can, trying to get everything right. His curls, each defined line of his body, even the small dimples that grace his lower back. She’s still working diligently when she hears him stir.

“Don’t move,” she tells him, eyes remaining glued to her paper as she tries to get his hair perfected.

“Should I be worried?” he asks warily. She glances up to see him starting to push himself up. She flips the sketch around to show him.

“I’m almost finished,” she huffs, “Don’t move.”

He settles into his previous position as demanded, “So demanding.”

She responds with a simple hum, scratching into the paper with precision and concentration like never before. Another ten minutes pass before she tosses her charcoal down with finality. She’s quite proud of her finished product and shows it to him. He grabs the sketchpad from her hands and examines it, his thumb brushing over the portrait reverently.

“It’s amazing, Clarke,” he compliments her quietly and she nearly blushes. She’s never been great at receiving compliments on her art, maybe because it's always been so personal to her.

“Can I?”he asks, moving the page for permission to look. Perhaps it's her pre-coffee fog, or maybe something more, but she nods without thinking.

“Seriously,” he says when he comes across a landscape of the park she had done. She spent the entire morning on it when she drew it, “These are really good. Why aren’t you doing it professionally or something?”

She scoffs, “They aren’t that good.”

He sits up at that, completely comfortable being naked in front of her, having her sketchpad the only thing covering his lower region. It’s a funny sight, but the laughter dies in her throat. He’s looking at her like she holds the sky and the moon and it’s fucking terrifying.

“I told you, they're amazing. You’re amazing.”

She feels heat rise in her cheeks and has to look away, the intensity of it all making her slightly uncomfortable. She knows she's good but it's still strange to hear people say it. She's still not looking at him when his breath hitches.

“Wow, this one is really good.” He breathes and when she sees which one he's talking about, she feels like she might throw up. It's one closer to the front of the sketch pad, one she drew not long after Wells’ death. It's him at the wheel of his car, his soft smile and kind eyes.

“Who is he?” Bellamy asks and there is nothing but genuine curiosity. He has no idea, maybe thinks it's a former boyfriend or something. Just wonders who one of her subjects was. He flips the page and there is another. And another. She can't breathe.

“Clarke?” He asks and she hadn't even realized she had begun gasping for air. Fuck. Fuck. It's been so long since she's had one of these.

She shakes her head at him but he lays the sketch pad down and crawls over to her. She lets him pull her to his chest and stroke her hair, “It's okay, you're okay.”

She's trying to take deep breaths but they're shallow and raspy.

“Breathe with me,” he commands and begins taking long, deep breaths. She listens, tries to follow. His hand is stroking her hair softly and she tries to focus. She's here with Bellamy, he just asked a question. Just an innocent question. Get a grip, Griffin.

It takes a couple of minutes but she feels her heartbeat slow down, her breathing even out. He's patient with her, holding her close even though she knows this position can't be comfortable for him. When she pulls away, she finds it hard to look at him. She's embarrassed because her entire facade had been wrecked. Now he's seen her, seen her greatest weakness. Seem her vulnerability.

“Sorry about that,” she whispers, scooting to the edge of the bed, “I...just...sorry.”

“Hey,” he plays a hand in between her shoulder blades and rubs soothingly, “I've been there, don't worry about it. I'm sorry I asked,”

“You shouldn't be,” she says without thinking. She pauses for a moment. She never wanted to cross this line with him. With anyone, really. But she just had a fucking panic attack in front of him. He probably thinks she's crazy, especially knowing that it was because of a sketch. And at this point, maybe this is what she needs. Maybe she needs to talk about it because lord knows keeping it pent up isn't exactly healthy.

“You don't have to talk about it,” he tells her firmly, “Don't feel like you do.”

She takes a shaky breath, “I want to, I think.”

She grabs the sketch pad from the bed and runs her fingertips along the portrait. This could be therapeutic. She trusts him.

“He was my best friend,” she says softly. She doesn't want to look at him, it's easier not to. Just like talking into an empty space and he just so happens to be listening, “He died this past year. He died and it was my fault.”

She tells him the entire sob story. About the party, about walking in on Finn and Raven. She leaves out most of the grueling details of the accident, but she tells him of survivors guilt. She knows he gets it in a twisted way.

“They thought I wouldn't be able to walk again,” she scoffs at that, “It feels fucked up. Like not only did I live but made a full recovery. At least if I hadn't recovered, it would feel like I was punished in some way.”

To his credit, he listened to the entire story without interruption. He kept his hand on her back as he did, but this time he responds quickly, “It's not your fault, Clarke.”

She almost smiles at that, especially knowing his own guilt often weighs him down, “I know that. Most days.”

He's thoughtful for a moment, “Is that why you don't drink?”

Pointless to lie about it now, isn't it? She nods, “I can't drink the pain away. Believe me I've tried.”

“We all cope in our own ways,” he replies, “But for what it's worth, I'm happy you don't use alcohol to do it.”

No. She uses people. It brings a whole new guilt to the equation. But they're having an intimate conversation now, might as well clear the table.

“But you're happy I used you?”

It's quiet for a moment, almost too quiet. She thinks maybe she overstepped, revealed too much and now he's going to take off on her. But suddenly he laughs, soft and she turns to face him.

“I can't exactly be mad at that,” he tells her when she gives him a confused look, “I was doing the same thing.”

It's not a shocking revelation, yet she's surprised to hear it all the same. But then she actually cracks a smile as well, “We’re just two peas in a fucking pod aren't we?”

They fall into a comfortable silence. She feels lighter now, somehow. Talking about everything was hard but cathartic. Needed. For the first time she thinks someone might get it, and Bellamy does. He knows pain and loss. He knows guilt, but most of all, he doesn't judge her for any of it. It feels good.

“Thank you,” she says, finally turning to him with a soft smile.

He picks the sketch pad up and flips through it some more, “Anytime, and seriously, these are all amazing. Your friend would be proud of you.”

She takes the sketchpad from him and climbs into his lap, giving him a deep kiss. His hands wrap around her instinctively, “I appreciate you saying that.”

He smiles, “And you can draw me like one of your french girls anytime.”

“Nice,” she giggles into his neck grateful for the natural change into their usual banter, “Quoting one of your least favorite movies.”

“All I said is that it wasn’t entirely accurate in how it sank,” he sighs, clearly perturbed by the way James Cameron chose to wreck the boat. The funny thing is, he really does get upset about it sometimes.

“I seriously can’t stand you,” she tells him with a shake of her head and he laughs, sliding his hand up the back of her shirt to rest on her back. She doesn't flinch this time.

“Don’t lie, Princess,” the old nickname falling easily off his tongue, a teasing lilt to it. She leans up and kisses him, pressing herself into him.

“I hate you,” she sighs when he begins to run his lips over her exposed neck, “You’re the worst.”

“Mmmm,” he mumbles, pulling his shirt off her, leaving her fully exposed once more. His hands travel over her slowly, like they’re trying to memorize every inch of her. She threads her fingers into his hair, raking her fingernails over his neck, something she knows drives him crazy.

“I hate you, too,” he states before pulling her into a slow kiss.

It’s a strange exchange, and somewhere deep in her mind she knows they don’t mean it. In fact, it’s like they’re trying to tell each other something without saying it. They weren’t supposed to fall in love, but she's never been one to follow rules.

*

Clarke can’t shake the feeling that something is off. Her mom returns home and seems tired, but more than that she seems sad. She takes the rest of the week off to spend time with Clarke, leaving her ability to do much else limited. She wants to see Bellamy, but she tells herself they need a break. He needs a break, though he makes no indication of it. He texts her more frequently, even asking how her day is going with her mom. He doesn't know much, but knows their relationship is strained and awkward at best.

But her mom is putting in an effort. She's offered to take her to a baseball game, knowing Clarke had always been a fan and they actually have fun together. Turns out her mom isn't completely clueless when it comes to sports. She even helps order her textbooks online with no mention of her course schedule and it's lack of biology classes. She's happy that they're trying to build some semblance of a relationship but her gut is telling her it isn't right. She tries to ask if she's okay, and she pulls out her Dr. GRIFFIN voice and explains she's simply exhausted.

She manages to sneak away at the end of the week and finds herself at Bellamy's house. He pulls her into a hug when he opens the door and she knows exactly what he's saying. He missed her. Miller hangs out for awhile before drifting off to bed, requesting they keep it down that night. She blushes and curls into Bellamy’s side, fixing her attention on the move they're watching.

“I can't tonight,” she buries her face in his shoulder once Miller leaves the room.

“Hmm?” his attention is focused on the big budget fight scene. Marvel is his guilty pleasure, she's discovered.

“Sex…” she says sheepishly, “It's..I’m on my period.”

He finally turns to focus on her and rolls his eyes, playfully poking her in the ribs, “That's it. Get out. How dare you?”

She presses her hand against his forehead and gives it a small push with a laugh, feeling instantly less embarrassed about the whole thing.

“There was a time where we used to hang out without the sex, Clarke,” he pulls her into his lap and she finds her favorite crook in neck to rest. Her body relaxes instantly.

“I don't recall,” she mumbles. Her eyes fall closed listening to the sound of his heartbeat. His hand is tracing idle circles on her back and it feels like everything is right in the world.

*

It doesn't take long for reality to hit her like a bucket of cold water. She’s eating breakfast with her mom when he sends her a text about an art contest and tells her she should enter. He even offers to be her model. She sends him back something snarky, complete with the eye roll emoji. He responds instantly. Bellamy: Just encouraging you to follow your dreams, Princess.

It's like the winds is knocked out of her when she Reads it.

She fucking loves him.

She doesn’t come to the conclusion on her own. It comes to her in flashes but when she finally meets up with Harper for their neglected coffee and walk meet up, she finally realizes the extent of it all. They’re talking about her and Roma, who she’s been dating since their hookup on Gina’s birthday.

“I’m just not cut out for one night stands,” Harper concludes.

“They aren’t for everyone,” she consoles the girl on this and they laugh about it. It’s when Harper asks about Bellamy that things become serious.

“I know you guys are hooking up,” she chooses her words carefully, “But...I don’t know, Clarke, it seems like a lot more than you all are making it out to be.”

Her heart thuds in her chest, “What do you mean?”

You know what she means, a small voice tells her. It’s the same one she’s been trying to ignore for weeks now.

“I’ve never seen Bellamy this way with anyone,” she admits, watching Clarke warily, “I mean, the way he acts around you. He’s hooked up with plenty of people before, but nothing like this.”

“Like this?” she echoes.

“He’s...I don't know,” she says, frustration evident in her voice, “Just be careful, okay? I know you all are just supposed to be having fun or whatever, but it feels like more than that.”

She doesn’t say anything, instead picking at the coffee cup in her hands and doing her best to keep her breathing even. It doesn’t surprise her. In fact, she knows Harper is right. IT does feel like more than that and it has for a long time. The lust aspect had been their primary driving force in the beginning. They pleasured each other and were comfortable enough to continue doing it. But then it got personal, on both sides. She wants to know more about him and she wants him to know more about her. She can’t pinpoint the exact moment her feelings changed. Maybe they’ve been there all along, buried deep in denial and her want to just let loose for the summer. This wasn’t the plan. And yet it happened.

“Thanks, Harper,” she tells the girl, hoping she sounds neutral. While Harper might be right, she definitely doesn’t want her to know that. It’s a conversation she needs to have with Bellamy. She’s going to tell him how she feels because it’s the right thing to do. They’re supposed to end it because she got feelings, but she’s hoping maybe they can change that. Maybe he feels the same and they won’t have to end it at all. Maybe they can start a new beginning.

Now, all she has to do is figure out the right time.

August 2013

The right time never comes. He ends up going to visit his sister the last week of July and she’s actually happy about it. It gives her time to figure out what to say, how to approach the subject in the best way she can. She knows she’s probably overthinking it, it’s what she does, but she has to tell him. She knows the first thing she should do is lay out all the basic stuff first.

“I’m Clarke Griffin, I’m 18, and I have an irrational fear of getting attached to people but I got attached to you.”

That’s what she wants to say but she knows there has to be a better way to phrase it, though he tends to be more personable when she’s up front with him. She didn’t intend to come to Boston and meet someone like him, but fate had other plans. Fate is a stone cold bitch.

She feels like she finally has it figured out by the time he returns and asks him to meet her in front of the library that Monday night when he returns. SHe’s hoping if she tells him in public, he’ll be less liable to freak out. Rejection is easier to handle in public than private, in her opinion. She’s less likely to let her emotions get the best of her in public, that is.

She never makes it to the library that night. As she’s getting ready in her room, she hears her mom come through the front door. It’s a strange time for her to be getting home from work, normally working a solid 12 hour shift, at least. It’s only now coming up on her usual eighth hour. She walks into the living room and freezes. Standing in the foyer is none other than Jake Griffin.

“Dad?”

He gives her a tired smile and holds out his arms. She runs into them, feeling overwhelmed by how much she really did miss him. She knows he’s been working a lot lately and hasn’t been able to talk to him as much.

“What are you doing here?” she asks, her voice muffled by his shoulder. It feels a little bonier than she remembers.

“Came to see you,” he tells her as he pulls back, “I missed you, kiddo.”

She should have realized something was wrong, the way her mom watched the exchange with tears in her eyes, the way Jake Griffin, former elite soccer player and college wrestler, seemed so fragile. Their reunion is short lived.

“We need to talk, Clarke,” he tells her softly when she notices her mom standing at the door. She follows them into the living room and sits down. Her dad keeps her hand firmly in his, rubbing soothing circles into her knuckles.

“Is everything okay?” she questions when they sit down, worry lacing every inch of her voice. She feels like she’s on the edge of something, a ledge or a cliff, and is close to being dropped off. Her head is swimming.

“I’m sick, baby.”

Things become hazy after that. He tells her something about having headaches and finally going to the doctor after she left for Boston in May. He was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor. Inoperable. The doctors gave him six months to live, and that’s with treatment.

“They’re wrong,” she cries, refusing to believe that he could possibly be so close to the end, “There has to be something they can do.”

Her mom finally speaks, “There isn’t. We’ve gotten multiple opinions.”

She feels anger start to swell within her, a fire ready to burn everything in its wake, “You knew?”

Jake sighs, “She came to visit me a couple of weeks ago. Took me to some fancy specialists she knew. They confirmed it.”

She stands from the couch, her entire body beginning to shake, “You can’t...this can’t.”

“Clarke,” he stands, his voice cracking with her name, “Look at me.”

Her frantic eyes find his own, her own blue irises staring back at her, “I need you.”

He holds her in his arms as she cries, and it feels like the ground is slowly cracking beneath her. Her father is dying and there isn’t anything anyone can do. She can’t be sure how long they sit like that, him cradling her to his chest like a child, her mom sitting next to her, a hand firmly on her knee. It’s the first time they’ve been together as a family in five years and it’s because one of them is dying.

When the tears no longer fall, when her brain feels numb and he body exhausted, she leans up.

“I want to stay with you,” she tells him, her mind already made up, “Every step of the way.”

She tells him she’ll defer school for a year, so she can go to every appointment and take him wherever he needs to go. She wants to spend as much time as possible with him because on day, he won’t be there anymore. Her parents try to talk her out of it, try to tell her school will be the best thing for her but she won’t listen.

“I won’t be able to concentrate on fucking anatomy while you lay at home withering away,” she says bluntly and they don’t argue anymore. It’s late when she finally shuffles into her room and climbs into bed. Her mom is planning on taking him to a few more doctors tomorrow, just to confirm there are no treatment options available for him to at least give him more time. Even despite their divorce, she can tell her mom still cares for him deeply and she is just as distraught about his death as she is.

His death. It’s inevitable for everyone, it’s part of living. But it hurts all the same. How is she supposed to move on with life knowing the most important person in it won’t be there? She can’t fathom it.

*

She has four missed calls and seventeen text messages when she wakes up. She had turned her phone on silent before passing out last night, reluctant to talk to anyone or even hear her phone go off. All of the missed calls are from Bellamy, no doubt worried she got kidnapped on the way to the library. They always joke about it, though it’s a pretty fucked up thing to joke about. The texts are from a flurry of people. Raven drunk texting about her stupid boss. The others are from Bellamy and his friends. Even Miller all just asking if she’s okay, probably in the hopes that she’ll respond to one of them and they can conclude she simply ditched Bellamy and is still alive. She doesn’t feel alive.

She opens the texts to get rid of the notification. Miller asking if she's good. Harper asking her to call her. Bellamy freaking out in his typical fashion.

5:45pm: I’m here. You close? 5:57 pm: Tried to call you. You okay? 6:15pm: seriously clarke, you’re never this late at least let me know you’re alive 7 pm: if you don’t answer me i’m coming by your house 7:03pm: Miller said that’s really creepy and I shouldn’t so I won’t. But please answer me so I can stop thinking you're dead. We joked one too many times about the kidnapping thing. 9pm: i’m worried. Please be okay. Please.

She doesn’t answer him. She gets out of bed and wanders out into the living room. Her parents are awake, chatting over a cup of coffee like it’s just another normal day. It isn’t. There won’t be a normal day ever again.

* It's an appropriately gloomy day in Boston, rain constantly coming down as morning fades into afternoon. They're sitting in the waiting room of her mom's hospital. Her dad is being looked over, no doubt being told the same thing he's been told four different times. Her hopes aren't high and she feels strangely empty. Notifications continue to pop up on her phone and she turns it on silent. She's almost ready to launch it out the window.

She isn't sure how long she stays there but it's dinner time when they shuffle into the apartment. Her parents ask her what she wants for dinner. She just goes to bed. Her phone is off and things are so quiet.

She cries herself to sleep wondering how, when things seem to be getting better, they could possibly get worse? * They book the earliest flight home, which isn't until tomorrow evening, it feels so far away. They talk with her mom about care and the woman desperately tries to convince her ex-husband to get treatment. Clarke listens for approximately a half hour before she stands abruptly from the table.

“Clarke?” Her mom calls. Without thinking she slips on her shoes, grabs her bag, and heads out the door.

It's crazy to her how normal things felt for the last few weeks, how life seemed to be on track and the grief began to feel natural rather than suffocating. It's not fair, not to her. Not to her father. Not to Bellamy. Especially not to him.

She's at his house before she even realizes where she's going. It feels fucked up to show up after almost four days of radio silence. He probably thought she was dead, or ghosting him. He didn't deserve it but she didn't know what else to do. Doesn't know what else to do. He deserves more than some girl who fucks her way through grief. Who can't give him anything more. The saddest part is that she could have. She was so willing. But now? Everything is different now.

Before she can think anymore, she knocks softly. She probably should have at least texted first to make sure he's home. It's late evening and he's typically off work by now, but he doesn't always come home after work. She wouldn't blame him for not answering either. But she can't leave without saying goodbye, no matter how terrible a goodbye it may be.

She knocks one more time and is about to call it when the door opens. He looks a mess, hair sticking up wildly and eyes red. The bags under them tell her he hasn't been sleeping and she's prays it wasn't because of her. She thought he might be angry. Not...distraught.

He looks her up and down like he's trying to assess her well being. He runs a hand through his hair nervously, “I called the hospital to find you, thinking you were hurt or something and then I realized I don't even know your last name. Or your birthday…”

She doesn't respond, tries to ignore the way her hurt thuds painfully in her chest. She forces a wall in place and he laughs bitterly,

“I'm happy you're okay,” he says stiffly and then let's out a bitter laugh, “I just wished you would have told me something. Even if it was ‘hey Bellamy, I don't want to see you any more.’”

She didn't want to hurt him. Never was that her intention, hell, she made a list of rules to prevent this from happening, but it did anyway. Fuck, she wants nothing more than to crumble in his arms and have him tell her everything will be okay. But it's not fair, to either of them. Not fair to him that he have to spend his time trying to fix something, someone that's broken or to invest himself who can't fully reciprocate. Not when she has to worry about everything else.

So she holds it all in.

“I'm leaving,” she tells him flatly. It scares her, how her voice sounds so hollow. Like the flame within her has been extinguished. In a way, it feels like it has.

He seems taken aback by this, his arms fall to his side and he stands a little straighter,

“When?”

“Tomorrow.”

He probably thinks she's known this all along, that's she's springing it on him because she doesn't care. It's best to let him think this way. Any chance they may have had is gone now. She has to be with her dad, she can't let herself worry about relationships especially one that wouldn't work out anyway. Distance never works.

“Jesus, Clarke,” he sighs, running his hand over his face, “You disappear for a week and show up at my door to tell me that?”

She says nothing.

“You don't even care, do you? He laughs bitterly and this is what she expected. He has a right to be angry and she deserves to hear it.

She cares. More than she ever wanted to. More than she should. But she can't tell him that. It'll only make it hurt worse.

“Tell me then,” he says and he grabs a her shoulder forcing her toward him, his hand is gently tilting her chin so she's looking at him, “Tell me you don't care and you can walk away right now. I won't chase you.”

“I don't care.” She tries but even to her she sounds pathetic. Small and unconvincing. Her wall is too transparent.

He leans in and presses his forehead against hers, “I don't believe you.”

He captures her lips in a searing kiss. She doesn't respond at first, willing herself to pull away and stop making things more painful than they already are. But then he wraps his arms around her, cradling her to his chest and she feels safe. She sags into him, twining her arms around his neck.

It all comes back to the idea that she shouldn't do this with him, but she finds herself out of control. With one kiss, he manages to help her forget for a moment. Forget that the next six months will be the hardest of her life. Forget that she's being faced with impossible choices and awful results. And that's what she needs, she decides. She needs to forget and if it means getting to bask in that feeling she had before all this, she'll do it.

He makes love to her that night. She knows it. It's in the way he takes his time feeling her, attentive to every inch of skin, delicate in movement. The way he tries to memorize her, the planes of her back, the dip of her hips, the curve of her ass. He runs his fingertips along the scar on her back bravely, eye locking into hers.

“You’re perfect,” he whispers, “Every fucking inch of you.”

It's powerful and it makes her want to break down because she doesn't deserve him and she is just going to break his heart. He deserves the moon and the stars and she can never give it to him.

He tells her how good she feels, how beautiful and amazing and perfect she is. He tells her how much he wants her, he doesn't think about anyone else. Anything else. He tells her how much he cares about her in so many ways and yet avoids telling her that directly so as to protect whatever is left of their initial agreement, thought they both know the agreement has been meaningless for sometime. He's still trying to respect her choices while simultaneously telling her how fucked he is.

She leaves after he's well asleep, after enjoying the last few moments with him. In another life maybe this could have worked. Maybe they could have made the distance happen, maybe they would have failed. She won't know because life is funny sometimes. The timing is wrong, reality is wrong. She's happy to have spent time this bubble with him.

“I love you,” she whispers into the night, happy to get it out there just once even if he can't hear her. It's better that he doesn't.

She doesn't have it in her to cry herself to sleep that night. There are too many battles to come for her to exhaust herself so early. She'll hold on to the feeling, the memories Bellamy has given her for the rest of her life, or at least, when things become overwhelming. She hopes he finds the happiness he so deserves,

She turns her phone off before going to bed,

*

She's on a plane the following day, holding her Father's hand and flying into what will, undoubtedly, be the hardest months of her short life.

[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine one-shot - “The Gourd You Give” (Rated PG)

It’s just another day at work for Kurt when a handsome man bursts through the door and begs Kurt for a pumpkin. (1577 words)

A/N: This is a re-write. Warning for mention of illness. Meet cute.

Read on AO3.

“Help me! Quick! I need a pumpkin!”

The words fire out so quickly from the man’s mouth that his request is finished before the bells over the door stop jingling. Kurt looks up from the issue of Vogue open on the counter he’s sitting behind and straight into the eyes of the most desperate man he’s ever seen – harried for certain, curls that have been gelled down within an inch of their life breaking free around his hairline, hazel eyes shimmering from the cold, his cheeks flushed from running (Kurt assumes, since he’s panting like a tired dog). Plus, the door has a brand new dent from where the man slammed into it before he realized it was a pull door and not a push.

“Uh … okay.” Kurt puts a worn business card into the binding of his magazine to mark his spot, then closes it to handle his manic customer. “You do realize you’ve just entered a costume shop, though. Not a supermarket.”

“I know.” The man nods vigorously, taking a deep breath. “I need a pumpkin costume.”

Kurt sits up straighter, intrigued by this man’s request, as well as his adorable, slightly antiquated clothing choices - a sweater vest, a button-down, a bowtie, and a vintage U. S. Navy peacoat. Paired with his dapper good looks, the man pulls it together nicely. Kurt’s eyes zero in on his brightly-colored shoes and go wide. Where on earth did he find a pair of Moods of Norway suede wingtips in pink? They’re sold out everywhere! Kurt has to find a way to ask.

Kurt also can’t help but notice the pride flag pin fixed to the collar of his coat - the new version with the brown and black stripes. Kurt grins.

His recent string of dull afternoons might finally be looking up.

“A pumpkin costume for yourself?” Kurt asks.

“No.” The man shakes his head, a bashful smile splitting his lips. “For my little man, Andy.”

“Oh,” Kurt says, only minorly disappointed at the mention of a son. But children have never been a deal breaker for Kurt. He loves children.

“He’s six,” the man explains, “and when his mom asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween, he said he wanted to be a pumpkin.”

Okay, wife is definitely a deal breaker, Kurt thinks, but he chuckles at the thought of a little boy, who Kurt imagines looks somewhat like this man – raven hair, possibly the same hazel eyes, and olive complexion, waddling around the streets of New York dressed as a giant, gap toothed Jack-O-Lantern.

“He doesn’t even want to be a Jack-O-Lantern,” the man grouses, stunning Kurt into wondering if he hadn’t voiced that thought out loud. “A Jack-O-Lantern costume I can find. He wants to be a regular, boring old pumpkin.”

“How adorable,” Kurt says, giving the man a flirty smile when he knows he shouldn’t. He can’t seem to help himself. Something about the way this man is freaking out over trying to find his little boy a pumpkin costume is too endearing.

“I tried to talk him out of it. For weeks actually. I’ve bought him every costume under the sun that I thought he might like – Iron Man, Captain America, Thor, Fluttershy …”

“Fluttershy?”

The man chuckles, but waves the topic off. “That’s a whole other story entirely.”

Maybe for another time? The words almost make their way out of Kurt’s mouth before he mentally slaps himself in the face.

Married. With a kid married. Gear down, Hummel.

“Anyway, he won’t budge. And his mom, she’s a really awesome seamstress, but she’s been sick …” He pauses and swallows after the word sick, and Kurt feels his heart double thump. He’s using the same inflection Kurt remembers his father using when he would tell people that Kurt’s mother was sick. It leads Kurt to believe that ‘sick’ might be a vague reference to something more devastating than the flu that’s been going around.

“Oh,” Kurt says. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

The man nods, pinching his lips between his teeth to keep from going into it. “It’s been kind of a tough time for the little guy. So I thought, you know, if he wants to be a pumpkin so badly, let him be a pumpkin. Only, I can’t sew to save my life.”

“Did you try papier mache?”

“Unfortunately, yes.” The man looks subconsciously at his hands. Kurt peeks and sees bits of dried plaster embedded underneath his nails. “But I thought that a professional costume shop might have something like a really kick-ass pumpkin. I’ve checked online, but I’ve had no luck. I even tried calling some of the performing arts schools, but nobody has one. I guess nobody ever plays a vegetable in a school play anymore.”

“I guess not,” Kurt says sympathetically. He looks at the distraught man and sighs. Kurt feels for him. He really does. He seems like a nice guy – sweet, kind, and caring to a fault, racing around New York City, trying to fulfill a little boy’s wish. Even with his bittersweet story, he’s a nice change from the customers this shop usually gets – cosplayers, Ren Faire folk, and, during Halloween, teenagers looking for whatever sexy comic book character they can get their hands on. In the close to four years since Kurt’s been part-timing here, it’s been a while since he’s had anyone come in asking for a child’s costume. They did outfit the Atlantic Children’s Playhouse performance of Cinderella a year back, but the pumpkin from that performance was six feet tall, and got trampled in the last act.

“I’m sorry,” Kurt says, “but we don’t have any pumpkin costumes here.”

The man stares at him blankly, lips parting an inch as if he’s about to argue, unwilling to accept what Kurt is saying.

“How about a squash?” he asks sadly.

Kurt’s heart breaks a sliver. “We don’t have any fruits or vegetables … or food costumes in general. I’m so sorry.”

The man sighs, looking about a foot shorter when he’s done.

“Well, this was the last store on the list. I can’t believe in all of New York City …” The man taps the counter with his hand, like putting a period at the end of his sentence, stopping himself before he unloads his grief at this situation on Kurt. “Thank you, anyway.” He smiles weakly, then turns to go out the way he barreled in.

Kurt watches him leave and knows he can’t let him. So, maybe the most compassionate (and probably the most handsome) man Kurt’s met in ages is married, but that’s not the issue, dammit! His kid still deserves to be a pumpkin!

“Wait,” Kurt calls out before the man’s hand reaches the door. “You know, I’m majoring in Musical Theater at NYADA …” The man turns back slowly, that hopeful look returning to his face. “I make a lot of my own costumes. Maybe I can help you.”

“Do you … do you really think so?” he asks, walking back to the counter.

“Yes! If I can make a Joan of Arc suit of armor in a day, I’m sure I can whip up a pumpkin. I mean, how difficult can it really be?”

“Oh my God!” The man jumps up and down, doing a tiny dance. “Are you serious?” Kurt nods, chuckling at the man’s ridiculous jig. “You’re a life saver! That would be … that would be incredible!” But then he stops dancing, and his face falls again. “Oh, but I’m afraid I probably can’t pay you what you’re worth.”

Kurt bites his lower lip. What he’s worth. He’s been so jaded by fair-weather friends since he’s moved to New York, he didn’t know there were people out there who worried about things like that anymore.

“Meh,” Kurt says. “I’ll take a ton of pictures and put them in my portfolio for school. Chalk it up as work experience. Just pay for the material, and the labor’s on me.”

“Oh, I couldn’t.” The man shakes his head to decline Kurt’s generosity, but with the widest smile growing on his face. “That’s too much.”

“I insist. I need the extra credit points,” Kurt lies. “You’d be doing me a favor.”

That seems to sit okay with the man because he stops shaking his head.

“Well, can I at least buy you dinner while you’re toiling over construction of this gourd?”

“Absolutely,” Kurt says without thinking. Then his mind skids to a stop. “Uh, will your … wife be joining us?” Oh, please don’t be a cheater, he prays in his head. I’ll lose all faith in humanity if you turn out to be a cheater.

“My … wife?” The man’s brow wrinkles, and he looks as confused as Kurt feels. “Oh no! No no no! Andy’s mom is my sister-in-law, not my wife. Andy is my nephew.”

“Oh!”

“No, no. I’m single.” The man emphasizes the word single. “My boyfriend and I separated over a year ago. I’ve been on my own ever since.”

“Oh. Well, in that case, my name’s Kurt.” He sticks out his hand, and the man takes it.

“Blaine.” He holds Kurt’s hand for a moment after he shakes it, giving it a gentle squeeze that makes Kurt’s toes tingle. “So, can we consider tonight a date then?”

“Absolutely. Meet me here tonight at seven,” Kurt says, “and we’ll turn your nephew into a pumpkin.”

[beatsfortheillperth]

Words with Sadiva

Photography by Kim Summer

SADIVA is the premise of our following words, a female beatsmith hailing from Melbourne, Australia, the soul of female comradeship, and the essence of Australian Boom Bap - SADIVA, is inspiring fellow female creatives and is not only sewing but intertwining creative relationships between both male and female. 

This only seems to inspire beat-makers to continue to arise in confidence and support all over the globe and SADIVA is continually pushing this atmosphere, something we here at beatsfortheill completely embrace.

Curating over the years, some of the best musical treats with the release of her Compilations "Women of the World" Volumes 1 and 2. With appreciation, these releases mean, 

SADIVA allows anyone to have a master's ear. 

It also must be said that this Melbourne local can have all heads bopping to samples that linger for days, with soothed souls and a conscious understanding -  SADIVAS' WoW compilations have helped a lot of women in need, which brings with it, a certain sense of honesty,  something SADIVA'S personal catalog, in all its calming abilities captures minute by minute.

Developing her craft at home and beyond, whilst establishing a name for herself through her time stilling numbers on Lethal Chops back in 2017. This girl shares, with her music, art nothing short of a beachside sunset or a wine on the riverside.

SADIVA is a chillers delight, and with that, I am glad to announce words with the beat-making wonder and "When U Cared" creative brainchild.

Much Love.

Hey, SADIVA thanks for taking the time to share words.

Let's start with some quick general questions to get things flowing.

Last song you listened to: 

 10% - Kaytranada 

Favourite Beverage:

Beer haha (Brooklyn or Moon Dog)

Favourite Food:

TACOS 

Views on Time Travel:

I wish I could travel at the speed of sound. 

Futurama makes me believe. 

A childhood memory in regards to music:

Buying my first CD “Around the world” by Draft Punk and singing it to the store clerk so I got the right CD, 

Also, my dad used to take me to all the free concerts at highpoint and I got to meet Blue, who was my favourite when I was younger, they sang into my yakti yak and it made my childhood lifetime haha. 

Favourite Place to chill:

Dandenong Ranges with my dog 

A track to chill to:

Fall in love – J Dilla 

A track to break it down to:

Galvanize – Chemical Brothers

Just - Bicep 

A childhood role model and why you looked up to said person:

My Dad has always been my role model cause he just taught me to be myself no matter what.

Favourite Location/ Why:

New York, it's my home away from home and has always inspired me throughout my journey 

Any Hobbies away from music:

Hanging with my boy and my Lil floof - Toast

 Putting on local events/workshops.

 I love cooking.

Going out in nature and to art galleries (when not on lockdown)

 Favourite thing to do when you have down-time:

Go for a walk with the pup, watch trash tv, have a bath with a glass of wine

All Time Favourite Album:

 Bicep - Bicep

J Dilla – Donuts 

Gangstarr – Moments of truth 

Underoath – They’re only chasing safety 

Artwork work by Jasmine Ioppolo @iops on Instagram

Thanks for that, so I'd like to start by asking, what got you into producing music in the first place? Was it a solo finding or were you encouraged by others to give it a go?

I feel deeply in love with classic Hip-Hop when I started working at a shoe store and, this was where I discovered J Dilla and his story which blew my mind and inspired the shit out of me. 

I was also hanging out with some friends who had tried the art of beat-making so I got intrigued, to say the least. 

Why the name SADIVA? And what does it mean to you?

SADIVA just clicked for me. I was smoking weed in my room whilst making beats and, I was like,

 “okay, I have to come up with some sort of name for this project”

 and I love the strain SATIVA so I thought I’d just wordplay it with diva. 

How long have you been producing? Also, what is some of the attributes you find producing helps you strengthen within yourself that you find other avenues don't cover?

I have been producing for about 5 years now, I have been very unmotivated lately just due to my own reason.

I always like to have a smoke and a session to find my samples and then I like to sit and get down to the nitty-gritty. 

Lately, I’ve been experimenting with a lot of different samplers and sythn’s just to get an idea of expanding my sound, it’s so interesting.

There’s so much I really don’t cover but DJing is helping me to understand a lot of genres of music that I thought I hated but I love them, which is making me expand more.

What inspires you to continue making beats?

I just love making music, its therapy for me.

Being able to go around the world and meet the scene too has been a

truly special molding for my 20’s and I’m blessed I’ve had these experiences, 

I’d be silly to stop cause I’m really living my dream and that’s what keeps me going.

Let us go back to 2017 and discuss what's responsible for the creation of Lethal Chops? What pictures were you trying to paint with the tracklist? And also what was it like putting Lethal Chops together?

At this point I had been writing solidly for 2 years with only a few beats on compilations and SoundCloud, I had always wanted to put an album out cause I was proud of my work and after my trip to NYC in 2015/16 

I met Soul Journal (one of my best friends) and he pushed for me to release something and did the masters and truly helped me with the whole process of the tracklist so he deserves a huge shout out cause without him who knows if I would have released anything.

Lethal Chops by Sadiva, Artwork by - Kitchen Wizards

Not much over a year later you released "Minutes" on Vinyl, through Inner Ocean Records.

A masterpiece of works that let everyone know you are here to stay. Somewhat like another Melbourne producer - Amin Payne, who nearly went on hiatus, but I believe he was someone like yourself who was drawn in by a mutual love to create, perpetuating goodness and works of art. 

Thanks for this, Minutes is something you want to listen to for prolonged hours so again thank you.

What were the major differences between putting together Lethal Chops and Minutes? Also, how do you feel you had grown as an artist when releasing Minutes? Finally, what atmosphere were you trying to put together for your listeners with this second album release?

Thank you so much for saying that, I couldn’t be happier knowing that’s how you feel about a piece of my work. The major difference I guess was I had a bit of an idea of how I pictured Minutes and it had a bit more time and meaning go into the project.

With lethal chops, I just wanted to release something as I had been making so many beats at that point in time. 

Minutes was very break up heavy also, I was heartbroken when finishing minutes, and a lot of last-minute tracks got added cause they just felt so much for me. 

Plus, I just wanted to put something together that I was proud of and that people would find interesting, I wanted to make it like watching a film with your ears if that makes sense? 

"Minutes" as said before, was made available on vinyl as previously Lethal Chops on Cassette. What is it about putting together and releasing physicals that you love most? Also, did Inner Ocean Record impact your appreciation for physical releases?

Physicals have always been really important to me, I’ve always collected cassettes, CDs, vinyl since I was young so to have something that was my own on vinyl was insane for me, I cried the day it arrived cause it was such a great achievement for me.  

Do you have a close relationship with the artists that create your cover art and videos?

If so what allows that relationship to stay solid?

Ps, blessed stuff by the way.

Zomkashwak, STLNDRMS, and Lily.ingram (EN:recent name change) know what is up!

I have definitely got some amazing connections with the artists I work with, Lily was my housemate for a few years and we became close friends through that and I couldn’t have been anymore over the moon than to have her amazing work featured as apart of the WOW series, plus she’s an incredible woman I look up to.

As for Zomkashwak and STLMDRMS we became friends through artist nature and sharing the same love and passion’s, Zom did that album cover for Minutes and it was like he saw what was going on in my brain.

When I met STLNDRMS in Atlanta he hosted me for Controllerise and just showed me the most wholesome hospitality, I was stoked to be able to work with him on the video for “WIT U” and also do a live set on his channel beats and chill, he’s a huge inspiration not only to me but everyone in this community and to give back as he does is incredible, STLNDRMS is gonna be huge and he deserves it more than anyone in the scene. 

I also have many close connections with a lot of the people I work with and I’m blessed to have that network of people. 

You work closely with the collective and platform Inner Ocean Records based in Calgary, Alberta, Canada a fair distance from Melbourne, Australia.

What inspired this long-distance relationship between yourself and Inner Ocean and how do you guys keep present?

When I started making beats they were one of the first labels I looked up to, it was a goal of mine to release something with them, I just loved what they were doing for the culture.

I got my first self-released tape manufactured through them and after that, we worked on WOW and Minutes together and Cory and I just had a great bond, I feel honoured to have worked with them so closely for a few years. 

Inner Ocean Records, being inspired by their surroundings, (In their own words Calgary "is a city surrounded by hundreds of kilometers of prairies, mountains, and forest") did that connect with you when you decided to link up for projects like "Minutes"?

Also, how do you feel your surroundings in Melbourne impact and inspire the beats you create?

I’d say Minutes was most inspired in New York and Melbourne.

Melbourne and New York both have a gritty feeling with all the graffiti and live music going on everywhere and every time I go to NYC I start writing so much. 

I was also going through some heartbreak at the time and a lot of what I was listening to was sampled in the album, a lot of the lyrics just spoke to me and It was curing me. 

Minutes by Sadiva, Artwork by Zom Kashwak

What environmental factors in your home life bring out the best in your music?

When I’m at home I sit down with a joint, put some nice lighting on and I have a lot of plants in my studio, I need to have a chill environment to start writing and since minutes I’ve moved to a new room in the house, I have been writing so many different genres and it's crazy how a new environment can start sparking something different. 

I also wanted to bring up something new to myself [lofi.family] a collective via Facebook and Soundcloud that is dedicated to positive interaction between artists and listeners within the lofi community.

You released two tracks for [lofi.family] "When U Cared" and "Substance" both truly well received. How did this interaction come about and what was it like for you making both these tracks?

Check [lofi.family] out here - 

Soundcloud -  https://soundcloud.com/lofifamily 

Facebook - https://www.facebook.com/lofi.family/

I have been friends with Griff since he started lofi.fam, I was one of the first members in the group and Griff has always just greeted me with open arms,

He asked me for a couple of beats and of course, I had to support what he was doing because he supports everyone, I cant wait to meet that man.

Does either of them hold any personal meaning? As sound-wise, I feel the tracks seem to pull you in opposite directions if you get what I mean? Mellow chords opposed to boom-bap head nods.

Was this intentional?

When I made “When you cared” it was actually a flip I originally did for a 21 savage song, just a bit of fun and then the lofi.fam wanted a track so  I sent that over 

And with substance, I said to myself ill make a really lofi sounding song instead of boom-bap and I thought that suited the vibe for Lofi fam ps: LOVE YOU GRRIFF!

I guess it was intentional for lofi.fam but when I made them I didn’t really have a concept.

Photography by Kim Summer

We have to discuss WoW Volumes 1 and 2 your "Women Of The World" compilations released on cassette followed by vinyl that ever so sweetly showcases over 30 Female Beat-Smiths world-wide, much love.

This creative pursuit was put together to also raise awareness and funds for organizations dedicated to helping re-home and comfort homeless women (due to various circumstances) in America and Australia.

So much respect for your innovation on this continuing project.

With these releases, you have raised over $8000 for charity and with that, have inspired so many to stay true to the gift of giving, thank you.

What inspired you to branch out and curate WoW? How did you go about making this idea a reality? And what is the overall message you are trying to get across with "Women Of The World" an all-female Tracklist?

I was sick of seeing shady comments about the rise of women in the community, I’m thankful our Lofi community is so open to everyone but not all beat communities are and it was bothering me.

I see women as very powerful people and I love all women pursuing their craft for them and no one else.

I wanted to share these incredible women’s tracks with the world and our beautiful community and give something back through that. 

It’s important to make everyone in community shine and I wanted something for the ladies as it was around International Women’s Day and that inspired me to just push forward, and I thought this is something I really want to push and I could not have expected to go as well as it did, it has been incredible. 

Finally on the subject, what do you feel WoW's creation tries to inspire most in both males and females creating and listening within the beat scene?

I just hope WOW inspired women to put their stuff out there and for men to be accepting and support that,

I feel like that was successful, I saw so many people just bigging up each other when wow was released and creating that sense of community and safety is so important to me. 

Volumes 1 and 2 featured artists like handycat, Yourself, Eevee, India On Da Track, and Seneca B, all artists that show lofi and production, in general, allow so many opportunities to be diverse.

I saw recently that you are taking in submissions for Volume 3 which I am sure will encourage head bops world-wide.

Can you give us a sneak-peek into the curator's mind as to what we can expect with Volume 3? What feels and approaches will you be going for with this release?

I’m not going to lie, This year has fucked me uup with WOW, 

I just couldn’t focus on it, I have a lot going on with my own career, and its really taking away from my time with WOW which I’m really upset about but I need to take one thing at a time.

I have to give a huge shout out to Emy Zulazna for helping me with everything this year. 

I am feeling way more motivated now I’m getting used to the lockdowns but I’m not even sure I’ll get VOL.3 out this year, but I hope I get to. 

Just remember that when you're focusing on a project you can get caught up so hard in other people, you need to remember to take some time out for yourself when focusing on these projects cause it can get quite overwhelming.

Going back to 2016 I have to mention your [Episode 2] Ride With It Set. Along with Amin Payne and ohwell's sets, yours is often bouncing through my speakers so thank you for doing Australia justice with your sensei ways <3

How did that opportunity come about and what was it like performing for an online audience, in a moving car opposed to a live set on stage?

Thank you so much, ride with it was so much fun, but it was the day after I had been to a grand final that Western Bulldogs won so I was very dusty in the car that day. 

The opportunity arose as I knew the guys who started it prior to them doing it and they approached me and asked if I’d be keen and I was already there haha.

It was super strange being in a car doing beats, people in other cars wondering what you're doing and not being able to see the SP buttons cause of the light was a little struggle to, I wish ride with it was still around! RIP RIDE WITH IT!

Ride with it Episode 2 - SADIVA - 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cC1cICa4cUc&t=2s

You've performed in venues all over the world now, and with each performance, I am sure you learn something new about not only yourself but also your environments.

Can you share what it is like being on stage and also how you keep your nerves in check when you're tweaking those buttons?

Being on stage for me is like another persona, I go to another planet, it’s like when Usagi/Serena turns into sailor moon. 

When I'm Djing or playing beats live I become one with the music and its more than a show to me, this is me representing my feelings on stage.

Each city I play also is like learning something new about the culture, 

I am so lucky with the opportunities I have. 

What environments do you like to create through your live shows?

And also what has been your favourite show to date and why?

I like to create a safe environment where anyone can feel like we can chat after the show, when people come out to see me I am so grateful and it always turns into a bit of a party towards the end of the shows.

I’ve had so many amazing shows but up to date, I’d say when I played in Turin, Italy with my good friend Siccarone beats, that was life-changing. 

It was an illegal warehouse party and it was packed, I couldn’t believe the show and it was just so much fun I can’t wait to go back after all of this is over 

Musical Recommendations?

At the moment I’m really just feeling a lot of different stuff, I have a few playlists made on Spotify which is probably best to see what I’m really into cause holy dang it’s a big ol mix bag.

Recommendations Away From Music?

Look after your loved ones, your animals, and please look after each other.

The world is in a crazy place so let’s make everyone feel safe in these crazy times.

Any New Releases or Shows coming up that we should keep an ear and eye out for?

Look, since corona, all my big announcements have kind of been put on pause which is a real shame because I was really looking forward to this year. 

However, I do have some really big news coming and I am not allowed to say much more than that. I hope this new thing I’m working on really helps our community shine, even more, I wanna talk so much more about it but I can’t, so stay tuned!!!

If so can you share a few details?

My lips are sealed but I’ll be able to announce soon.

Any Last Words?

Chicken butt.. 

Music Video for WIT U from “Minutes” by - STLNDRMS

Support SADIVA here:

Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/artist/4N5uaLp0vHh7627UsS9GoG

Soundcloud - https://soundcloud.com/sadiva

Bandcamp - https://sadiva.bandcamp.com/

Youtube - https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCYamcq0cmp62-pxY2XHmnkg

Instagram - https://www.instagram.com/sadivaa/?hl=en