#fat ugly lazy immature

[rainnbepourin]

i bought a Nintendo switch and my parents made fun of me and now i regret buying it 🙃

[mrfartpowered]

you don’t hate Howard, you hate fatphobic tropes

Here at Mr Fart Powered Dot Com, I’m a long-time hater of the “fat best friend” trope and a long-time lover of jerkass characters, so I think I’m uniquely qualified to comment on this LOL

The biggest critiques I see of Howard are as follows: he’s gross, he’s stupid, he’s selfish, he’s lazy. Below the cut, I deconstruct each of these four criticisms not as faults of Howard, but faults of the writing, largely as a result of fatphobia.

These are all traits associated with the fat idiot trope, popularized by Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin. Think about any other character who possess all of the above characteristics. Far more often than not, they’re a fat character. Plenty of non-fat characters possess any of those traits individually — selfishness, stupidity, laziness, and grossness are not exclusive to fat characters. Nor do they inherently make a character 'bad,' irredeemable, or otherwise unlikeable! But all too often, especially in dated media, we see this flimsy, weak writing apply to the fat villain...or the fat comic relief...or the fat best friend.

Howard falls victim to these ugly, annoying 'fat guy' tropes whenever the writing is in need of a cheap laugh, or when they need to make Randy look extra good. Howard does have unique, interesting traits, but they are painfully underutilized in exchange for role fulfillment as the comic relief.

Stupidity

Contrary to what the show wants us to believe, Howard is not a complete idiot. His intelligence may not be of the academic variety (and even this is debatable), but I would argue he is more clever than Randy. Of the two of them, Howard's got more common sense. Randy misinterprets almost every lesson the Nomicon gives him, while H quickly understands each riddle he gets the chance to know about. (See “a ninja’s choice must be chosen by his own choosing,” “don’t go in someone else’s house,” “when facing an unfamiliar foe, seek an unlikely ally.”)

You could argue against this point in Shloomp! There It Is, where he literally gets to see the lesson as it is presented in the nomicon and doesn’t get it. But I’d argue that this was  purposeful mischaracterization in order to further the plot, a point which will unfortunately recur in this essay. The writers care more about Howard as a tool than as a character, but instead of using the capabilities they build within him, they default to stereotypes.

Where conventional academics are concerned, we have one concrete example of his abilities: Howard is incredible at chess. It’s the iconic nerd game; it requires strategy, careful thinking, and the ability to predict your opponent’s moves. Who cares that he doesn't know the pieces' names? Who cares that he doesn’t abide by typical strategies? He can kick artificially-intelligent ass at the game, not to mention follow someone else's plays the way most people follow a football game.

And he's got street smarts that save Randy's ass on multiple occasions. He's more sociable, a better liar, and a quick thinker in stressful situations. Much of this particular point is pulled from @cunningweiner ‘s brain, who pointed out that Howard is really well-received by crowds (Heidi’s MeCast, the talent show, the Tummynator). Another interesting instance of this is Howard’s time as the Ninja — both the fake monster drill ninja, and the actual Ninja. He may not have accomplished his duties as a hero, but the onlookers Absolutely Ate Up his crowd work. He’s not the most physically willing guy around, but he knows how to appeal to an audience. His major flaw in remaining a well-liked public figure is that his ego gets real damn big, real damn fast. But he’s 15! If you blame a teenager for having empathy and esteem issues, I don’t know what to tell you.

Despite his emotional immaturity, Howard is wise beyond his years as a businessman. Before we move forward, I need to tell you: look at this section purely from a business standpoint. You have to forget morals, you have to forget standards, this is Disney XD meta and we are analyzing a man named Weiner, okay?

Okay. Howard embarks on a total of three business endeavors throughout this show, and each one is highly successful. Ninja Agent, weapon reseller, and McFist-o-plex manager. He embodied “work smarter, not harder” every time. Being an agent takes social skill and smooth talking, and clearly he appealed to a wide range of clients (not to mention earned their trust! What would you say if someone called you up and said “yeah, I manage Superman. Want him to appear in a commercial for you?”). Being a manager requires delegation skills and good memory. Reselling Ninja weapons is honestly just genius and I can’t believe he’s the first guy to do it.

Everyone around Howard, and Big H himself, views him as a dumbass. But time and time again, the episodes show us his mental capabilities! Imagine how much fun the writers could’ve had if they’d leaned on a lazy genius trope instead of a fat idiot.

Grossness

I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t think of a single thin character who relies on gross-out humor. Take, for example, Total Drama, a franchise with a bodily diverse cast and a heavy emphasis on gross-out humor. I mean, there’s an entire episode in the original season where every single character pukes onscreen. TD overall utilizes irreverent humor, but while grossness is a major player, it is not the only source of comedy.

And then you’ve got Owen, the only fat character in the original cast. His whole shtick is being fat, greedy, and nasty. Other characters will fart and burp and overeat — all things that Owen does frequently — but they also have other gags. Maybe they’re bitchy, or they’re geeky, or they’re a literal convict. Owen does not enjoy the luxury of character depth. He is only good for grossing out the audience. (Side tangent: Owen has notably made me laugh out loud a handful of times over the course of the four seasons he featured in. But guess what! Every single one of those laughs was begotten from a rare moment when, instead of farting or burping or eating something he shouldn’t, the writers stepped outside the ‘Owen zone’ and gave him a joke unrelated to his fatness. Fatphobic humor is truly a plague.)

I know I’m being a bit heavy-handed, but I want to emphasize how similar that is to RC9GN! Randy does schnasty shit too sometimes, but he gets to be funny in other ways. Grossness is Howard’s primary mode of comedy. During my first watch-through of the show, I remember being outraged at Howard’s tendency to eat Randy’s food, which, of course, was followed by digestion noises or farts. I was too angry to write down which episodes, but I counted four separate instances where they used that exact convention specifically to get Randy angry at Howard, thus catalyzing the episode’s storyline. (At some point I will have to go back and fact-check that, but we’re 900 words deep at this point and this has been in my drafts for over a month, so we move forward for now okay!!)

 We do get to see flashes of other humor from Howard, especially into Season 2! His cleverness and apathy make for hilarious setups. But even these instances are undercut by something foul. An example that comes to mind is Fear Factor, a perfectly fine episode — one that I love quite a lot — except for the very last gag. Really? Howard gets to be normal-funny the entire episode, until the last minute? The idea that his biggest fear is running out of food literally only works because he is fat. Had this joke been given to any other character, it probably wouldn’t have even made it to storyboards. Even worse, if Howard had not been fat, this joke would never have been conceptualized in the first place. It is almost as if the writers are trying to hit a quota of gross-out jokes for Howard. At a certain point, my anger morphed to pure disappointment. That’s how disheartening it is to see.

Selfishness

Okay, Howard Weinerman is selfish. I'll give you that. But just because he's self-centered does not make him a bad person. May I bring to mind Gumball Watterson, Marcy Wu, Louise Belcher? All are textbook examples of selfish characters, and frequently act in their own best interest, but are ultimately good people. I mention them as proof that characters can have negative defining traits without sacrificing the audience’s sympathy. 

Here's where I really get frustrated with RC9GN’s writing... They want to portray Howard as a jerk with a heart of gold — such as in Debbie Meddle — but they always undercut his few selfless moments with a gross-out gag, or a rude offhand comment, usually directed at Randy. Sometimes, Randy will reciprocate, in which case I give it a pass. There, the grossness or general assholery showcases their friendship, instead of putting Howard down for a stale laugh. 

But like I said, that’s the ‘sometimes.’ The ‘often’ is every time we see him almost embody the ‘heart of gold’ part of his attempted archetype, only to be thrown out the window for a lame gag. A specific example is in “Bro Money Bro Problems,” where Howard has cash to spare for once. He immediately opts to spend it on Randy!….until Randy shloomps into the nomicon, then comes out to find that Howard spent everything he had on the Food Hole’s dinner menu. Sure, this was used to set the rest of the episode in motion. They run out of money, but they need more, so they go out and sell ninja weapons. But here’s the thing: for the rest of the episode, Howard spends his money on both him and Randy, rather than just himself, effectively making that dinner menu joke inconsistent with his characterization.

“Well how else would they set the episode in motion?” They could spend it all on arcade games. Or they spend it all at the boardwalk both times. OR, they are just excitable teenagers who realize, hey, this shit is lucrative! Let’s go get rich! Boom. Fixed your episode, fixed your Howard, fixed your fatphobia.

Laziness

Over and over again, the show tries to tell us that Howard is a lazy piece of shit. Other characters regard him as such, and honestly, so does Howard himself. But I would argue that he is no lazier than your average teenager — not to mention, no lazier than Randy! The difference is that for Howard, the writers intertwine his laziness with his alleged stupidity. They try to convince the audience that Howard is too stupid to care what’s going on.

However, this trait is unique from the other three, because I think this one manages to give him depth. Or at least, in my heart of hearts, it has the potential to do so. This characteristic lends to Howard’s most clever jokes, I think, because ultimately:

Howard is capable, but apathetic.

From the earliest episodes, it is established that he aims for minimum effort, maximum benefit. There’s the bit where Randy asks Howard to come up with the plan for once, and they both laugh at the idea of Howard doing the heavy lifting. Or even all the way into “Mort-al Kombat,” he says people are ‘really handing him the answers today’ when Randy puts in the work to get Howard ungrounded.

But just because Howard prefers not to do any work, doesn’t mean he won’t! And when he does put in effort, the results show that he is damn good at what he does. His time as Le Beret more than proves this point: from his ability to work under the radar, to the plans he forms, to the knowledge he has about Mort’s job & McFist Industries that allows him to get all the cool equipment he uses. We also see his skills and capability in “Debbie Meddle” (the ninja dummy), “Viva El Nomicon” (learning Spanish quickly), “Secret Stache” (commitment to the bit), “The Ninja Identity/Supremacy,” and more.

He very much operates under the mindset of ‘work smarter, not harder.’ He’ll get the job done if he has to. He’ll excel at the job if it benefits him. This is a really interesting character mechanic that would have been so much fun to explore. Like I said so many times above, though, the writers most often choose to undercut his abilities in favor of comedic expense.

Conclusion

Howard, in comparison to Randy, is obviously a lot harder to root for. Overall, Randy is a more conventional character with conventional flaws. Like most duos in media, the sidekick juxtaposes the hero — I would even argue that Howard, in some ways, is Randy in reverse. Randy is highly moral, but still has a lot of learning to do skill-wise; Howard is already extremely capable, but also very amoral. Because of this, the narrative places Randy at a higher value than Howard — which, yknow, fair enough! He is the protag, and that’s a great setup for a protagonist. But simply by virtue of being fat, Howard is not treated with the same level of respect as other sidekick/best friend characters.

For all his quirks and flaws, Howard is not a supremely unique character. His basic core aligns with so many other characters. But because the writers lean on his fatness, instead of leaning into his potential and his complexities, it is much harder to root for him — and it strips him of originality. I love this show with all my heart, but I would be lying if I said I didn’t mind the way it treated Howard. He had so much potential, even as the show was airing, and I will forever be upset that the crew squandered it on fatphobic tropes.

[fallen-angel-with-broken-halo]

I can't help but notice more and more that women are always one of the extremes.

Too smart or too stupid. Too mature or too immature. Too modest or too slutty. Too pretty or too ugly. Too emotional or too empty. Too interested or too disinterested. Too experienced or too inexperienced. Too caring or too uncaring. Too thin or too fat. Too overworking or too lazy.

For fucks sake, there are many more I could probably add.

Sometimes I can't help but think I don't want to be treated as a woman but as a person.

[ghtsyumz]

i am so hurt. I am so lonely. I am so broken. I am so sad. I am so upset. I am so angry. I am so alone. I am so stupid. I am so selfish. I am so suicidal. I am so depressed. I am so scared. I am so confused. I am so defenseless. I am so stressed. I am so dumb. I am so irritated. I am so ruined. I am so terrified. I am so terrible. I am so rude. I am so horrible. I am so lazy. I am so frustrated. I am so bitter. I am so torn. I am so boring. I am so friendless. I am so dry. I am so unfunny. I am so detached. I am so exhausted. I am so unlikeable. I am so careless. I am so aggressive. I am so different. I am so uninterested. I am so sensitive. I am so bossy. I am so cruel. I am so weak. I am so heartless. I am so mean. I so hypocritical. I am so ignorant. I am so numb. I am so homicidal. I am so useless. I am so miserable. I am so helpless. I am so annoying. I am so worried. I am so difficult. I am so dishonest. I am so nervous. I am so withdrawn. I am so isolated. I am so ugly. I am so fat. I am so jealous. I am so stuck. I am so anxious. I am so fake. I am so incapable. I am so inconsistent. I am do indecisive. I am intolerant. I am irresponsible. I am so lacking. I am so nasty. I am so petty. I am so psychotic. I am so resentful. I am so secretive. I am so thoughtless. I am so troublesome. I am so unmotivated. I am so bad. I am so hopeless. I am so heartbroken. I am so hung. I am so disappointed/ing. I am so desperate. I am so disgusting. I am so immature. I am so dramatic. I am so addicted. I am so foolish. I am so forgetful. I am so replaceable. I am so harsh. I am so unresponsive. I am so greedy. I am so narcissistic. I am so evil. I am so drained. I am so untrustworthy. I am so deceitful. I am so invisible. I am so quiet. I am so dead. I am so lost. I am so unhappy. I am so tired. I am so done. I'm so done. I am done. I'm done.

[starryninelives]

reasons you’re not good enough:

You’re too mouthy and cause too many problems when you should just listen to everything he says and nurture him instead of speaking up

You are too fucking fat and ugly like why can’t you just care about the way he wants you to look? Why can’t you atleast try and have a nice body and sense of fashion

Your boobs are not big enough and they do not compare to anything remotely that he wants

You talk too much

You are lazy and messy and you sleep too much and never have enough energy for him

You’re just not who or what he wants like why not just be who he wants

Your interests are childish and you are immature

You cry ugly

you don’t process and you don’t think

You waste his time when he could be with someone 100% better

None of your clothes fit you because your weight is unpredictable and fluctuates so why can’t you just fucking starve yourself so things like this wouldn’t happenover and over and over again with everyone you meet

You exist outside of him and have too many interactions with other people because you’re disloyal

You don’t do anything he wants sexually just because of your low sex drive, why can’t you just put that behind you? Just fucking force yourself because otherwise he’s only going to go and find someone else

[theorist-influencer-untitled]

5.8.23 Monday

8am

Uncle Jun went out already 30 minutes ago, going to the forest of Georgia'z gang... Another flatness for me and bitterness...I feel hurt that i lost chance in life to be on a "runway"... These windblow people wanted to simply fade me, perhaps... I feel ugly and fat and I feel irritated...

People must be responsible behind the stage for what they did to me since 2007...

Don't decide for someone, respect a friend...

8:32 am

Uncle DD is calling me...My phone socket is kinda loose, it is on and off... He is trying to look for his vacuum cover a circular shape colour beige...

I'm not trusting him and the nozzle of my baby John's blower is missing in the box...

Everytime he visited here for some task to check people here, there is sometimes a missing item...Who would do that angels?

8:55 am

I have a windblow trap... I feel lazy to move....I feel frustrated... Crazy life here so tight and unfulfilled.... I feel bad...I wanna buy starbucks everyday....This is not my ideal life...

Irresponsible people in the bathroom as well....

9:18 am

I feel heavy,probably coz of menses but I feel panicky will be 42 angels... I frustrated and bitter...

9:30 am

My nana got a left eye bloodshot coz she accidentally bumped her eye on the kitchen rack 2 days ago...

Thank God I have here my DX Eyedrops.. I always need to have eyedrops with me, to refresh my eyes....DX eyedrops it is a japanese brand it is very effective to relive itchy, red eyes/bloodshot or if you feel something is inside your eyes... For my tired eyes as well due to stress of this windblow trap...

9:38 am

I feel bitter... I wanna leave the hometown and I feel hurt... I feel very jealous... I lost attention and I lost being great, I mean the chance of being great...

12:18 noon

I have the windblow trap... I wanna leave the hometown... I feel bitter... I feel irritated here not my ideal life...

Uncle Jun is here just to eat his lunch and for sure will go back to the forest.

I feel self-pity for 16 years... I can't exist....I choose friends not ugly and not overlapping my presence... I don't like ugly people as well... But I hate a barbie look who will overlap my presence...

3:06 pm

Realization this afternoon not all people are real in Lazadah angels, be careful...

Someone wants to damage the skin of the people coz they have Queen here in Cavite, supposed to be me!!!

Avoid buying stuff from these following store:

PH1892official store of Philip, Sunshine Boy, GREAT LOVE...

Great Love Store--they are selling Dove shampoo but can damage your entire head.

As well as the Sunshine Boy--- they are selling Milk Johnson and Johnson but same liquid they put inside the bottle of Dove Shampoo.

☆☆♡♡☆☆

I'm a Biology graduate angels... We had enough money before... Way back I could make everything but due to immaturity I wasn't able to grow as mature person... But God knew my heart.. If given a chance to have money again as in be rich enough, I wanna make my own shampoo, soap, lotion as an alternative if people are on their tight budgeting phase of their lives...

I mean people are mixed angels... Some wanted to damage your skin coz they envious of you and I hate coz they have their Queens...

My chemistry score was good enough... But I'm stuck here in the phase of a big question mark!

4:09 pm

I still have the windblow trap and I feel fat and ugly... I wanna leave the hometown...

I'm thinking of money and self-fulfillment... I feel bitterish here... They just made me their supporter....I feel intimidated on people here in Cavite, I should be in the middle-class and upper....I feel insulted and offended...

I hate being ugly and I feel that way...

4:43 pm

I wanna leave the hometown... I feel irritated...I hate bad monkey'Z! They made me fat and ugly angels... I feel bitter... I wanna buy starbucks everyday....They took away my life... They stole my stage these some bad wild animals in Cavite... I have a windblow trap and I don't want them to be my friends if they are fakers like the Georgia'Z gang...

I need money and self-fulfillment... I wanna do collagen shots on my feet... I hate it when some bad monkey's are on perfection and wanting to be my friend... I don't like them...

If they are ugly I don't like them! If they are smoother I don't like them as well...

I choose my friends and I can't see them and some new friends who will pull me up, most specially men...

I can't find a mutual partnership these days... There is none, all are just acquaintance now... Nice and fair acquaintance...

9:06 pm

I have the windblow angels and I feel bitter... I wanna find friends but I don't know I have complex... I wanna be special... I have complex since this windblow came for 16 years I feel self-pity...

I can't exist, I feel bitter....I'm a college graduate but the Philippinea damage my entire being angels... I lost men's attention on my rightful category... Before I was special and I can get whoever I want... Now, I have complex... I feel fat and ugly...

I need to be seen... I feel hurt even my Barbie image took away from me....I need money... I need a future with someone... I can't find new bf coz of my windblow trap...

A bad monkey wanted me... I mean A filipiNo is trapping me unfairly for 16 years... I wanna a foreigner... I feel bad, I have dildo gift by my classmate in Nightingale then if I'm gonna use that forever it is frustrating but I have complex... Now, that I'm not fixing....I wasn't able to go back to my original life... But I was thinking what was the moan of an american man? What is appearance of an Arab penis? I'm thinking this way coz I feel ugly for 16 years... I'm losing my self-esteem now...

Andy was weird, this is just a story now... I met him in Tagged saw his penis hahaha bumping a vagina... That was weird and what was the point? I think I saw his penis... He wouldn't believe me that I was 38 that time, probably he thought I was 15... A good beautiful penis of a canadian man...

I'm just short 5'2" but my biological father is around 6 footer and my biological mother is 5'6"... Unluckily I got my height on my old ancestors those chinese link on both of my biological parent's, they are petite like me...

This is a real trivia believe or not, I'm taller than my Aunt Karen but she looks taller than me... People will say, I'm shorter...

[starlightomatic]

if i'm told that i'm lazy, ugly, unattractive, slovenly, and wasteful because i'm fat. if i'm told that i'm lazy, inconsiderate, rude, slovenly, and gross because i have adhd. if i'm told that i'm rude, cold, and immature because i'm autistic.

then i might start to believe i'm lazy, ugly, unattractive, slovenly, wasteful, inconsiderate, rude, gross, cold and immature!!!!

giving myself affirmations in the mirror won't be effective and won't be enough. why should i believe myself over the world? it's not convincing. and even if i do succeed in convincing myself, i'll be subjected to the barrage again as soon as i step out the door.

we need to stop situating the issue in whether i'm giving myself affirmations in the mirror, and situate it in the ableism, fatphobia, etc that i and so many others are subjected to.

hey. why do we blame people for having low self-esteem. why do we assume people just woke up one day and decided to hate themselves and not that they were taught to hate themselves by peers, parents, teachers, bosses, and other authority figures

[delllamortes]

my 34 year old brother wrote a mean note about me on the drywall downstairs, how will i ever recover 🤔

[1kook]

commercial break: twelve

this is part of my netflix & chill series a prelude to part 10 <3

SUMMARY Anyway, if it was up to Jungkook, Kim Doyeon would not be a member of the Engagement Ring Committee.  WARNING none !! we r safe MISC jk and doyeon mortal enemies, nearly everyone is mentioned, thank u namjoon, jk loves oc, the end <3 jimin makes his first appearance O_O WC 1.4k

NOTES we just having fun with it!!! jk’s friendship with everyone else <3

Doyeon says you have fat fingers, and Jungkook takes great offense at that. “Who cares about the size— __ has pretty hands, idiot,” he mutters, and almost wants to feel bad about being so childish in the middle of this jewelry store. But Kim Doyeon is a pest— a fly who just won’t stop buzzing by his ear with each ring they look at, and she has the audacity to look disgusted with him now. Jungkook very much regrets inviting her along. She exudes very similar energy to the popular girls he used to go to high school, the ones that would only talk to him because he was friends with Namjoon and wanted Jungkook to help them into his pants. Lo and behold, Kim Doyeon is very acquainted with whatever’s inside Namjoon’s pants. She hits the mark perfectly. 

“Oh, definitely get her a rock. Like, one of those obnoxiously bing and shiny rings, maybe?” And she never stops talking. 

Jungkook hasn’t had to spend this much time with her in months, the last time being Namjoon’s birthday when you had tasked the two of them to go pick up the cake together. Not only was Doyeon adamant on passenger-seat driving — “Turn here,” she says a moment too late, “no wait, here — but she had been an absolute heathen outside in the bakery parking lot. 

(“Okay, now take a picture of me by this wall,” she says, artfully holding up the box of cake in two hands, dark hair flipped over her shoulder. Jungkook doesn’t know how to tell her that there is no significant difference between this brick wall and the brick wall they just took a picture by two minutes before.)

Anyway, if it was up to Jungkook, Kim Doyeon would not be a member of the Engagement Ring Committee. It would be him and Namjoon, and maybe Namjoon’s blunt roommate Jimin if he was feeling down for it, but that was pretty much it. Even Taehyung, a very close and dearly cherished friend, had not made the cut. He was too lazy, didn’t offer much concrete advice other than the occasional, “that one looks cool” comment. 

The great thing about Namjoon is that he’s highly educated on just about every aspect of life; he knows the best hairstylists — “You can always ask Hobi,” Namjoon offers, “he’s married.” — and the best lawyers — “Oh, and Yoongi can help with your prenup.” — for no reason other than the fact he is Namjoon. 

The bad thing about Namjoon is that he’s dead set on including Doyeon. “Doyeon is ___’s best friend,” he says calmly one night after dinner. You’re at your friend’s house this weekend, something about a midnight revenge plot against a shitty ex-boyfriend. He isn’t too clear on the details. “You have to let her in on it.” It’s been decades since Jungkook last stomped his foot in annoyance, but the urge wells up strongly in him now. 

Jimin is on the couch. “Oooh, you don’t like her?” he asks, flipping his platinum hair away from his eyes. Jungkook doesn’t answer, only because it would be rude to confirm it in front of Namjoon. Jimin presses on. “Is she, like, an evil best friend?”

“Yes,” Jungkook says at the same time Namjoon says, “no.” Jimin’s got this highly intrigued smirk on his face, and Jungkook hates how similar it is to your own mischievous grins. He’s glad you haven’t met Jimin, mostly because he knows you have your mean moments and meeting Park Jimin would only exacerbate them. Namjoon frowns anyway. 

Jimin says, “oh, you guys should duel. Like, whoever knows __ the best gets to keep her.” 

Namjoon jumps to stop that thought. “No— they’re not gonna duel, Jimin. ___ isn’t an object to win,” he scolds, and Jungkook nods along agreeingly, pretends he hadn’t seriously considered Jimin’s idea for a solid ten seconds. 

Long story short, Doyeon has tagged along to this jeweler and the past two jewelers to make sure Jungkook doesn’t give you “an ugly ring,” as she claims. 

“Wait, what if you get her this one,” she says, on the other side of the store. Jungkook sighs, but hurries over anyway. Hey, he’s here to see some rings, okay? 

Doyeon is looking at the most ugly ring Jungkook has ever seen, a mix of a braid and a snake, that is just too… not you. “This is hideous,” he says, disregarding all and any notions of being polite because at this point, she had to be pulling his leg. “___ would hate this.” 

At his side, Doyeon huffs. “Oh, ‘cause you know ___ sooo well, don’t you?” she snarks. 

Jungkook levels her with a glare. “I do, actually,” he says, “that’s literally what made me want to marry her.” And because Kim Doyeon sparks a very immature flame within him, he feels the need to add, “I probably know ___ better than you,” to top it off. 

Doyeon scoffs. “No, you don’t— you will never know her like I do, you overgrown fungus,” she spits. “Me and ___ have exceeded any level of trust you could ever hope to have, a friendship forged on the grounds of love and equal values. A nerd like you can’t even begin to fathom the absolutely crazy shit we’ve shared with each other.” 

If he was eight years younger, Jungkook is certain he would have gone home and cried. Mid-twenties Jungkook, on the other hand, has had one too many rodeos with mean girls — he’s dating a retired high school cheerleader, for goodness sake, an apex predator if he’s ever seen one — and will not stand for it. Besides, Jungkook has received your blessing to check Doyeon into place if ever she crosses the line. 

(“Sometimes you just gotta knock her down, maybe call her a dumbass if necessary,” you had said one night after Doyeon had unceremoniously barged into your apartment to monopolize your evening plans with Jungkook. Now it’s nearing midnight and as much as Jungkook wants to spend time with you, he’s deathly tired. “Just tell her off.” 

Jungkook frowns, snuggles closer until he’s so tightly pressed against your body that he can’t tell whose heartbeat is whose. He likes it like that.

There’s just something about your annoying best friend that activates this feeling in Jungkook’s chest. If anything, Jungkook imagines it is similar to that of having a bratty little sister. But Doyeon as his sister? He rolls his eyes so far back he swears he sees his own brain. 

It’s childish and petty and unlike Jungkook — or at least, unlike the Jungkook he knows you think he is. Which is flattering, to be thought of so highly, but sometimes Jungkook wonders where on earth you got that idea from. Because whenever he’s around you, Jungkook becomes increasingly immature, grows so greedy and needy, desperate for anything you have to give him. 

And because he’s so immature, he settles on tattling to you instead, “she called me a sweaty meat bag,” to which you snort in amusement.) 

For now, he calls on the spirit of the most mature person he knows (Namjoon). Jungkook takes one last look at his millionth silver band of the day before turning to address the Wicked Witch of the West. “I might not know ___ like you do, but that’s fine,” he says calmly. “We’re gonna spend the rest of our lives together anyway.” 

In front of him, Doyeon’s eye twitches and Jungkook senses he has won. For now. See, the thing is, Jungkook knows that using Namjoon-level logic against her is foolproof. For one, Namjoon’s logic is always solid. But also, as much as Jungkook despises Kim Doyeon with nearly every fiber in his being… ultimately, they share a common interest: cherishing you. 

Had it not been for your existence in their lives, Jungkook doubts he would have ever spent his Saturday morning at a jeweler with the likes of Kim Doyeon, especially not after she had spent ten minutes in the Starbucks drive-thru ordering the most bizarrely complicated drink. But deep in his heart Jungkook knows that she loves you, though not as much as him, and he respects the fact she is willing to accompany him in the name of buying you a beautiful engagement ring. It’s a friendship solidarity he admires, and for that he stomps down his childish pride to answer in a way that would impress, well, you. 

(Even when you’re not here, Jungkook always wants to impress you.)

At his side, Doyeon huffs. “I should’ve never taken ___ to that party.”

Copyright © 2021, 1kook on tumblr

[aphrodisiacal-nyx]

Sexism in One Piece

I have been following the story of One Piece till today and while I love the series and its plot; the sexism has not missed my eye.

1. Drawing styles.

Oda has two categories of women that he draws:

Pretty and with a perfect hourglass figure and an unrealistically large chest.

Unusually drawn and fat.

Oda himself admitted to using 3 circles and an X to draw all his women. He also added that this would rile up women, but you have to stay strong and dedicated. To him, women’s opinions on his manga do not seem to matter.

(Fun fact: A great majority of his readers are women)

Not only the lazy style, but there is a pattern to be seen in One Piece. The pretty women are good, while the unattractive ones are evil. In short, unattractiveness is synonymous with evil. And in places where the villain is actually pretty, Oda finds a way to redeem them somehow. He just has to turn them into a goody-two shoes or sympathetic in some way (Example: Pudding, Baby 5).

Doesn't that all seem a little too convenient?

It seems to me that Oda cannot bear the idea of a pretty woman having malice in her, and being the epitome of evil. And he also cannot imagine any other women than the ones I mentioned.

A reference picture:

2. Women, the weakest.

The females are capable and powerful, but it so happens that they are always the weakest in the crew or group. Examples: Nami, Kalifa, Big Mom (she is considered as the weakest yonko), Reiju, etc.

The list doesn't end.

Whenever there is a woman, and she is poweful indeed, Oda goes and makes her the weakest

The women who are actually very poweful, like Big Mom. are joked on because of their appearances and body shape. They are reduced down to their ugly looks.

3. Their powers reduced.

The powerful female characters, like Nico Robin, who show so much promise, are reduced down to nothing as the story proceeds.

Don't tell me that the woman who hid herself from the government for 20 years, and was the right hand of a Shichubaki, has not sprung in any fighting action after the Albasta arc. Just don't.

She doesn't need protection, and yet, there is always a male coming up at her protection in a fight. Like why?

The one time she has fought post-leap is in the Wano Arc. And that is about all. Nami, too, has gotten Zeus in the arc, but they still remain underrepresented.

4. Pretty bad women.

Oda makes sure that if the bad women don’t turn puppy-eyes, then they are bad women as fanservice.

Example: Sadi-chan. While she is a villain, and her fights are not meant to be taken seriously, look no further. I will make sure people jack off to her, and her face will be hidden with her hair, so the focus stays on the body.

5. The clothes women wear.

All the women, literally all of them, are in revealing clothes.

They are wearing clothes that don’t fit the occasion. Rebecca, a 16-year-old gladiator, wears the clothes unfit for a fight and so does every other woman. If anyone has ever worn a dress, they would know how uncomfortable it is to fight in one. Oda has not. So we get a lot of women fighting in clothes that aren’t practical.

But okay, it’s for fan service and the male gaze. Practicality doesn’t matter to men when it comes down to women.

6. Women’s consent is ignored.

Tashigi was the only one who didn’t wear any revealing clothes in One Piece. However, Oda found a scene to give fan service as well.

In Punk Hazard, he makes sure that Smoker, who is in Tashigi's body, unties the shirt buttons, and even when Tashigi asks him to button it up, he doesn't. That genuinely ticked me off + Sanji touching Nami's body for no good reason even when she told him not to.

It's like their opinions are discarded for no f*cking reason, even when it's literally their own body. Their consent does not matter. And it is brushed aside.

Note: Revealing dresses are not a problem itself, but when everyone in the world wears the same kind of dresses (that too, for the male gaze), then it is not diversification but over-sexualization.

8. A gender-reverse would be good.

There are some extremely off-putting scenes, and if you reverse the gender, you'd find it is not the same case when a male is there instead of a female.

For instance, Kyros asks Rebecca to not use a sword and how it has been a great regret for him to teach her how to fight. Tell me something, is that what he would say to his son when his life was in danger? No, he won't.

Because that is immature.

***

With that being said, there are a lot of other things about the manga that are sexist. Especially Sanji’s character.

And no, just because Sanji is a great multi-dimensional character, it won’t excuse his dismissal of women’s consent and perverted nature. It won’t excuse his misbehavior. It won’t excuse his desires to spy on naked women even if it makes them uncomfortable and is immoral.

P.S. Not fighting women doesn’t show his respect for women. It’s just a part of his chivalry, which is an example of benevolent sexism. Stop equating that with respect.

You’re allowed to like One Piece but you cannot excuse its problematic aspects just because of your ‘feelings.’ I love One Piece and its plot and cast too, but you don’t see me denying sexism doesn’t exist because it does.

Remember, acknowledging the wrong things in something you like doesn’t make the thing bad. It’s only opening up good, healthy discussion.

[fatesdeepdive]

Entry 50: Oops! All Supports Volume #8

The portal babies are going to be weird. Most of their Supports are going to come from the OAS entries. Add it onto the pile of close to thirty Birthright Supports I didn’t get to. Also, because this is Entry 50 and I hate myself, I’m doing twenty different Supports today instead of ten. God help me. I’m already a few days behind and this won’t help.

Support: Mana/Sophie

C: Kana manages to befriend Sophie's horse Avel, despite Avel normally being horrible.

B: Kana and Sophie see a burning building and Avel happily allows Sophie to ride him so she can save people.

A: Kana and Sophie discuss how Avel is loyal to Sophie, despite his assholeness, and will follow only her into battle.

S: Kana gets friendzoned.

Review: Not bad. Avel being a good horse when the chips are down is great. Also, this is the second time Kana’s been friendzoned. Poor kid.

Support: Corrin/Hinata 

C: Corrin finds Hinata training. Corrin is surprised, because they heard Hinata was lazy.

B: Hinata beats Corrin in a duel, so Corrin runs laps to get stronger.

A: Hinata reveals that he trains so hard because he lost a fight to Takumi once and wants to beat him.

S: Hinata does the promise to protect blah blah blah I like you blah blah thing.

Review: Not necessarily awful, but very generic and lacking any spark to make it stand out.

Support: Mitama/Shiro

C: Shiro finds Mitama sleeping outside. He wakes her and she heads to her room so she can take another nap.

B: Shiro explains that falling asleep on a battlefield is dangerous, Mitama explains that she's ensuring she's fully rested for battle.

A: Shiro takes a nap outside. Mitama agrees to stop sleeping outside as much.

S: Shiro asks Mitama to be his girlfriend.

Review: Very shallow. Mitama is somewhat amusing, but other than that this is completely forgettable.

Support: Dwyer/Selkie

C: Dwyer is woken up by Selkie chasing a bird.

B: Selkie gurts herself climbing a tree. Dwyer, not wanting to ignore a not-ugly lady in distress, tends her wounds.

A: Dwyer tries to convince Selkie to stop hurting herself. Selkie drags him off to go frolic.

S: Dwyer decides to tend to Selkie's wounds for the rest of his life. Selkie decides they should get married and claims she planned this from the beginning.

Review: A fun, cute fluff Support.

Support: Azura/Saizo

C: Saizo tells Azura that she doesn't trust her because she's from Nohr.

B: Saizo injures himself protecting Azura. Azura tends to his wounds. Saizo notices a scar on Azura and Azura explains that some noble children beat the shit out of her when she was a kid. Again, who the fuck thought it was a good idea to bully the violent sadistic king's stepdaughter?

A: Saizo apologizes for forcing Azura to relive painful memories. Azura says he only has to say thank you and that she wants him to be her ally.

S: Saizo offers Azura a magic salve that can heal any scar. He doesn't use it because his scar is important and also HE'S A MANY MAN AND NOT A DELICATE LADY. Azura says she loves him despite the sexism.

Review: A very good Support that gives good characterization to both Azura and Saizo.

Support: Felicia/Takumi

C: Felicia runs into Takumi while carrying the laundry. Literally. Takumi grumpily helps her clean it up.

B: Takumi tries to yell at Felicia to be careful, she ignores him and talks about her hometown. Takumi insinuates there's a problem with how Felicia was raised and apologizes when she calls him out.

A: Takumi keeps an eye on Felicia to keep her from messing everything up. Felicia cries. Takumi praises her for being a hard worker.

S: Takumi asks Felicia to tell him about her village, because he likes her and she cares about it.

Review: Not bad, but could have had a bit more lore about Felicia’s village or had Takumi play a more active role.

Support: Kaden/Mozu

C: Kaden has a fatty piece of meat, which he doesn't want to eat because it's unhealthy. Mozu offers to cook the fat off. Kaden offers to split it.

B: Mozu makes a really good soup. She compares Kaden to a little kid for being impatient.

A: Kaden guts a fish, which makes Mozu think he's wise and mature. Sure, why not. Mozu says he's like a brother to her, because this game didn't have enough pseudo-sibling fucking.

S: Mozu says Kaden is everything she wants in a man.

Review: Overall, a fairly mediocre Support lacking a consistent throughline.

Support: Kagero/Setsuna

C: Setsuna is tasked with delivering important messages during a battle and forgets them, so Kagero is ordered to help Setsuna become a better messenger.

B: Kagero gives Setsuna sentences to repeat back to her. Setsuna forgets them immediately because she has the memory of a goldfish.

A: Kagero comes up with a better solution: babysitting Setsuna to make sure she doesn't fuck up.

Review: An overall decent Support. Although it raises one big question: who the hell thought it was a good idea to make Setsuna a messenger? They’re the real idiot in this army.

Support: Azama/Subaki

C: People have begun saying Azama and Subaki are training together. This angers Azama, who hates Subaki for pretending to be perfect. Subaki doesn't mind.

B: Azama goes on a hike and finds Subaki training alone so other people won't see him get tired.

A: Azama explains that the difference between them is that Subaki cares what other people think about him and Azama just doesn't give a shit.

Review: Overall a bit bland. Also how did the training rumors start? Part of me feels like this is an “oh my god they were roommates” scenario.

Support: Hinoka/Jakob

C: Jakob finds Hinoka training and praises her courage and fighting skill. Hinoka says she used to be trained in formal princess behavior, but through all that away to spend more time training. B: Jakob offers to train Hinoka in etiquette again. Hinoka ends up remembering everything anyway. A: Jakob explains that war is more than battle and courtly training is just as important. S: Jakob says he loves Hinoka. Hinoka points out how sudden this is, and Jakob offers to leave and come back later. They get together.

Review: Wow that romance came out of nowhere. They even point it out! Aside from that, this Support is very lackluster. It avoids all conflict by having Hinoka not have anything to learn and leaves Jakob without any development.

Support: Hisame/Kiragi

C: Hisame acts subservient and loyal to Kiragi. Kiragi asks him to treat him like a friend, similar to how Takumi and Hinata act. Hisame rejects this, saying Hinata should treat his betters with respect. Also they mention that Takumi and Hinata bathe together, which is interesting.

B: Kiragi says that they don't have to be master/servant just because their fathers are. Hisame suggests that they play shogi to become friends.

A: The two of them have fun playing shogi. Hisame acknowledges they're friends now.

Review: This one is interesting, analyzing that Hinata doesn’t really act like the retainer of a prince. Kiragi just wanting to be friends with Hisame is nice, and Hisame acting like an actual medieval person is interesting. I do wish this Support, and the game as a whole, had more analysis of class divides, though.

Support: Setsuna/Silas

C: Silas is attacked by an enemy archer. By an enemy archer, I mean Setsuna, who fell into a pit and fired arrows out to get his attention.

B: Setsuna does it again, almost injuring her fellow soldiers. Setsuna blushes while talking to Silas for...some reason.

A: Setsuna falls in a pit and accidentally kills a bunch of enemies while firing arrows.

S: Silas proposes. Halfway through the proposal, Setsuna falls into a pit. Silas rescues her and she immediately does it again.

Review: This is a fun Support. Setsuna being more willing to shoot Silas than ask for help is relatable. Setsuna taking out enemies by accident and wandering off in the middle of a confession is hilarious. Also, between this and the Kagero Support, I’m starting to think Setsuna is a liability.

Support: Midori/Shigure

C: Midori shows Shigure her herb garden. In the middle of it is a pretty flower bub that Midori likes.

B: Shigure helps Midori garden.

A: The flower blooms; Midori says it's a rare flower that is a symbol of happiness.

S: Shigure tells Midori to stay out of battle because he can't bear to see her hurt. When Midori refuses, Shigure instead vows to protect her throughout the war and after.

Review: This one had a surprisingly good S-Rank. I like the idea of Shigure being paranoid about his loved ones getting hurt because he’s already lost his entire village. Unfortunately, other than that, this Support is fairly bland.

Support: Asugi/Dwyer

C: Dwyer somehow manages to beat Asugi in a fight. Asugi challenges him to a rematch and Dwyer leaves to take a nap.

B: Asugi spies on Dwyer all day to find out how he trains. Dwyer does nothing but nap. Dwyer reveals that Jakob beat fighting skills into him as a kid so he doesn't have to train anymore.

A: Asugi challenges Dwyer to a baking contest. Dwyer forfeits before it even begins.

Review: Not bad. Dwyer completely shutting Asugi down out of laziness is fun.

Support: Hinata/Rinkah

C: Rinkah watches Hinata fight. She tells him it's a miracle he isn't dead, considering how sloppy he fights.

B: The two of them spar. Hinata is surprisingly powerful, but Rinkah matches him hit for hit. Rinkah decides to mix Hinata's moves into her one fighting style. A: Hinata and Rinkah fight again, drawing.

S: Hinata asks Runkah to take him to the Flame Tribe...as her husband.

Review: Fairly mediocre. I’ve seen a dozen sparring Supports already and this one lacks anything new.

Support: Jakob/Takumi

C: Takumi asks Jakob to help him train in secret. Jakob says no.

B: Corrin orders Jakob to help Takumi. Takumi snipes arrows off Jakob's head like William Tell.

A: Jakob tells Takumi that his need for others to recognize his skill is immaturity.

Review: Goddamn, Takumi. There are better ways to train than accidentally killing your sister’s retainer! Other than that this is mediocre; Jakob calling out Takumi’s immaturity is nice, but it isn’t built up properly.

Support: Caeldori/Hisame

C: Caeldori and Hisame are tasked with cleaning a shed together because they're the only competent soldiers. Caeldori brings up her respect for her father and Hisame changes the conversation.

B: Hisame explains that he doesn't respect Hinata because Hinata is a moron. Caeldori is disgusted by the idea of not respecting her father.

A: Caeldori apologizes for being forceful. Hisame says that he actually hates Hinata because he's jealous of Hinata's laid-back attitude.

S: Caeldori and Hisame get together because they're smarter than everyone else.

Review: Contrasting their differing views towards their fathers is nice, but the idea that Hisame is jealous of Hinata is ridiculous.

Support: Kiragi/Selkie

C: Kiragi and Selkie race through the woods and notice a group of suspicious men hanging around.

B: Kiragi saves Selkie from the men, who are poachers.

A: Selkie criticizes herself for being too trusting. Kiragi it wasn't her fault and that her kindness is one of her best traits.

S: Kiragi apologizes for allowing Selkie to be captured in the first place and asks Selkie to date him so he can protect her.

Review: Look, follow up to Selkie’s Paralogue! Kiragi being heroic is nice, but Selkie is a bit of a damsel in distress in this one.

Support: Fana/Midori

C: Kana has a sore throat. Midori's medicine doesn't work.

B: Midori tries new medicine. It still doesn't work.

A: Midori realizes Kana needs dragon medicine.

Review: That was a bunch of nothing. I think this is the shortest Support line I’ve read, and damn is it forgettable.

Support: Corrin/Hana

C: Hana is mean to Corrin because Corrin made Sakura sad by being kidnapped. Sakura isn't very smart.

B: Corrin asks about Hana's family, who are also Samurai, and says they apreciate Hana's ambition because they didn't have any when isolated. Hana mentions that her inspiration is her father, a samurai who prerished honorably protecting Sumeragi. Corrin says that dying in and of itself shouldn't be respected. Hana gets mad and storms off.

A: Corrin explains that Hana shouldn't throw her life away because it would make Sakura sad.

S: Corrin says he actually wants Hana to keep living because he has feelings for her. Protect eachother yada yada yada.

Review: I’m torn on this one. It gives backstory for Hana and at least tries to say something meaningful about dying in battle, but the C-Rank has Hana act ridiculous.

[dontkillcoyotes]

-I woke him up, went to change my shirt. “Don’t fucking touch my white shirt you’ll make it filthy.” Puts down the white shirt and grabs a black one. “Why can’t you wear your own clothes???? Fuck sakes” can’t wear my own clothes, because joeys ONLY CHORE is to do laundry. And he hasn’t in forever. “How’s it MY fault the washer broke? Maybe if you got yours out of your apartment I could actually do laundry” my driveway is currently covered with snow. Some plow pushed it all into my driveway. I can’t shovel it, it’s basically frozen ice. “Well I never met a woman who was too lazy to call the town and get it cleared” I don’t have a phone number set up, he wouldn’t let me pay off the bill. He said he was going to call about it, never did. I spit in his face, and then he spits back at me and calls me a “fat, stupid, ugly bitch who’s disgusting and gross.”

-all our problems are caused by me drinking. No matter what. Quit drinking. Still all arguments are blamed on me drinking. Still don’t understand this one.

-I’m immature because I yell. But Joey isn’t immature for cutting me off, interrupting me, or making me feel like I need to yell for another reason, usually he isn’t listening to me at all and only responds when I yell.

-the names. Constant name calling. I’m a bitch. I’m dirty and gross, I’m fat, I’m stupid, I’m a slut, I’m a whore.

-went to my friend Danielle’s one night. We washed our hair to put it in cute up styles. We put on dresses and had a few drinks. Came home to drop off my clothes. “Why is your hair wet? Why are you wearing different clothes? Clearly you’re trying to impress SOMEONE! Fucking WHORE.” I never hung out with friends again after. (This was before I quit drinking. This situation was used for me to quit drinking because I apparently put myself in situations that don’t look good).

-before I went to Danielle’s I went out to the bar with my friend Morgan. I had a curfew. I couldn’t stay out past 11pm or 12 I can’t remember which. “I can’t trust you when you’re out with your friends. Your friends have reputations. How do I know you’re not just a bunch of whores trying to cheat and cover it up together?” Came home. Was pissy for about a week about this. Questioned me on everything that happened. Would get extremely upset and point out anything. “We had some drinks and I danced” versus “we had some drinks and we went out for a smoke and came back in and danced” apparently they both are different things and because I didn’t mention we went out to smoke before dancing, my words can’t be trusted.

-shot up a bunch of times in front of me during our relationship but still continues to tell people he’s sober. Apparently that’s okay, but the few times I slipped and drank when I quit means I didn’t quit and can’t say I quit.

-gaslighting. Constantly. Over the dumbest shit. “I’ve been awake for hours Libbi I’m just laying here.” He wasn’t awake. I was in the room barely 5 minutes before. When I point this out, I’m clearly a liar, manipulative, and just want to start arguments. Makes me questions all the time if what I said what actually what I said. Makes me doubt whether he said anything horrible at all.

-claims I only want to leave because I have backup men waiting for me. I only want to be a whore if I don’t want to be with him, because he can’t comprehend that I don’t want to be here because he’s abusing me.

-threw my coat on the railing where he left a full mug of congealed chocolate milk. I’m “disgusting, never met a woman so dirty, just destroying everything and making everyone miserable.” Even though when I moved in here, he had a house full of trash. Literal trash he pulled out of peoples spring clean up piles. Did not clean the floor once since he moved in. Dog hair everywhere. Dishes were barely rinsed before being put back in the cupboard. The fridge was broken and food was constantly spoiling. He still ate it.

-went into the store because he complained about going in all the time for me. Almost got into the store when he said “don’t be surprised if I’m not out here when your done. Maybe you can walk home.”

-threatened to kill my cat when I tried to leave the last time. I tried to walk to my old apartment. He followed me all the way there til I was so exhausted trying to get away from his truck by walking in knee deep snow I started throwing up. He picked me up, threw me in the truck and brought me back to his house.

I’m going to update this every now and then. When Joey starts to act out when I leave I need to keep this so I don’t doubt my own memories.

[aloysiamoonlight]

So, my mother just came to talk to me because I bought cookies. She yelled at me for constantly eating junk food (the last time I went to a fast food restaurant was 6 months ago and I haven’t bought cookies or cake in 4 months). Then, she very seriously told me that I must have some psychiatric problem because it’s not normal for someone to be fat, prefering to stay inside and have only a few friends. Plus the fact that I am not thin will prevent me from finding a job and just show that I don’t take care of myself.

So sorry to break it to you mom, but being introverted doesn’t just means that I am calm and shy, it means that having to constantly interact with people is tiring, which is the reason why I prefer to spend time alone or with my friends. Unfortunately, my friends are currently all six hours away from here, so it will be a little complicated for me to go out with them. Also, the reason why I spend all my time in my room is because I can spend more than a hour with you before you start criticizing something about me. And the reason why I was more “mature” from 8 to 15 years old was because I wasn’t allowed to do anything without your approval or get out. Plus the fact that I was bullied from 4th to 10th grade didn’t helped me. So what you call being “immature” and “careless” is just me discovering that I am allowed to do what I want, even if you don’t like it (and yes, that includes treating myself with cakes once every 3 months). Oh, and about “not taking care of myself” because I’m not under 55kg. Well, yes, I am overweight, but I still take time to style my hair, take care of my skin, and I like to put make up on. So yeah, I don’t know what you mean about “looking like a homeless girl”. 

Finally, sorry to be so “disguting and lazy” because I’m fine with being overweighted (though not really comfortable with it because you keep reminding me that I should be ashamed of it). And yes, I still don’t want to be a lawyer and I’m still determined to study languages instead of law. I don’t care I it’s not prestigious enough for you but that is what I want to do. And I won’t hide the fact that I gave up on law school to the rest of our family, cause I never wanted to do it. And if they are not okay with it and laugh at me because I’m not a lawyer or an engineer or a vet or a doctor, well I don’t care, and neither you should because if you really were a good mother like you always claim to be, the only thing you would worry about is if I’m happy, not if I am good enough compared to my cousins or uncles and aunts. Cause last time I checked, you studied the exact same thing than I did. But the fact that you failed doesn’t mean that I am going to fail. I know that this is what I want to do. And if it was easier to live with me before I left for college, it’s because for once in my life, there wasn’t someone to criticize my every move and destroy every little bit of self confidence I could find. I found real friends who support me and who don’t think there’s something wrong with me because I don’t want to find a boyfriend and get married (not that I would be able to, since according to you no one would want me anyway). 

And if despite all that you still think that I have a problem, I will go and stay from you because to this day, I spend most of my life with people telling me that I was ugly, stupid, that they hated me, and so much more things. I am an adult, and I don’t give a damn about the fact that you’re my parents cause the last time I checked, I don’t have to stay with someone who’s toxic, even if these people are my parents. 

[dammitadolfnomorecake]

Caramel Skin Under A Purple Rain prt 27 full draft

Napping was all Lance’s body wanted to do. His mind wanted to finish sorting baby clothes with Keith, but his yawns wouldn’t stop. The last two days had been lazy days. They’d taken Kosmo up to see the cave where the Blue Lion had slept for so long. His busted knee hated every moment of it. Kosmo acting like a Shepard as he herded him away from everything he deemed dangerous with a gentle fanged mouth around his hand. Melancholy tugging on his heart as he stared at the blue markings from the ancient race who’d seen blue land. He’d always thought the Paladin’s of the past as those who’d left the markings for those of the future. Lance thought it’d bring him some kind of peace of mind, yet it only brought his time as a Paladin crashing back. His mind flooded with feelings of isolation and loneliness. Things were better now. He honestly didn’t know how they’d survived what they had. They’d all be so young. So young and so insecure. He’d been so stupid. His stupid flirting and desperate need to be acknowledged... He wanted to die of embarrassment when he thought of himself. No wonder Keith had brushed him off upon his return. Kuron had been right. Kuron had been every time he’d lorded over him. Every time he’d rubbed his incompetence in his face. Every harder than necessary blow during training. Every scoff... He wasn’t as over it as he’d thought. Shiro was Shiro again... And if Shiro had remembered any of what had happened, he’d thankfully kept it to himself. They’d spent a few long moments both reflecting on their Voltron adventures before leaving, Lance knew he wasn’t doing a very good job hiding his struggle from Keith. Keith simply wrapping his arm around his waist, silently being there without pushing for which Lance was extremely grateful. After returning from visiting Blue’s resting place, Keith had left him alone for a bit. Lance not wanting to shackle him down, accepted he too might need space after what had happened. For his husband it’d technically been a decade since they hurtled off on their adventure. Keith had matured so much, he was practically a different person. His clinging baby fat had morphed into long lean lines. He no longer carried himself with the air of isolation and loneliness. He was now taller and broader than ever. His body carrying far too many scary scars, yet each scar was proof that he’d survived. His long black hair no longer a mullet, though that name would never get old. The immaturity of youth had been thoroughly scrubbed away as they were all forced to grow up far too fast. Maybe that was why now that they had found some kind of peace, things like “adulting” went out the window. They had the time to the things young lovers did. They had the time to play hooky, to shirk responsibilities and obligations. It may because they were both recovering, but Lance hated the moments they spent apart due to his depression or need for sleep. He hated the hours spent throwing his guts up, when he’d rather be on the move, doing and seeing new things with Keith. With Keith’s father’s clothes to go through, he’d started taking things from the packing boxes slowly and carefully. The residual scents of washing powder and dust hung to the garments, then again, after 19 years or so he shouldn’t have been expecting to find any traces of his father-in-law’s scent. He supposed it was a little creepy to be trying to trace his scent. Lance was simply curious if his husband smelt more of his mother than father. Lance was still sorting clothes when Keith had walked in with a shit eating grin on his face. Placing the box he had in his hold on the floor, Keith ruined all Lance’s carefully sorted piles, before dropping them all back into the box they come from. Ignoring his spluttered complaints, Keith took his knife from his belt, cutting through the top tape of the box he’d brought in. Grabbing something out the top, he stuffed it in his pockets, then carried it over and upended it. Smug as hell as Lance took several long moments to realise his husband had brought him maternity clothes. Plain. Simple. Non-frilly. Non-flowery. Maternity clothes. Ugly crying, he couldn’t even thank his husband. He was way too happy, and way too shocked to remember Spanish, let alone English. This is what lead to then doing what must have been a dozen washes, of his clothes, and then the baby clothes and blankets. Yeah. He’d gotten completely carried away with all the washing, but the ideal of jeans that didn’t cut into his belly was to tempting. Folding the tiny onesie in his hold, Lance yawned again. Keith taking the onesie from his hold and carefully placing it in the bag with the others. Despite Daehra and Lucteal both knowing of his pregnancy, it still felt a little awkward. He wasn’t coping with the changes his body was going through, and though they meant well, he didn’t look forward to Daehra hovering over him as she knew he would. Plus, Marco didn’t know he was pregnant, so everything was being repacked to be unpacked without his older brother around. The secret of his pregnancy had been spreading, Lance missing the closeness of only he, Keith and Shiro knowing. Medical staff didn’t count. Soon he’d have no choice but to tell Krolia, who’d tell Kolivan. Curtis, because he and Shiro were a package deal. His papi... then his siblings. Each time he thought of how many people were left to judge him, he felt sick to his stomach. Keith was still adjusting to the idea of being a father... He’d need to tell his team... His team that Lance was still to face... Then there was Hunk, Shay and Pidge... He just knew it wasn’t going to go well. He was medical oddity. A freak of nature “Babe, you ok?” “Yeah” “Tired again?” “A bit” Leaning into Keith, his husband felt warm. Frowning at the unexpected warmth, Lance brought his palm to Keith’s forehead “What are you doing?” “You’re hot” Taking his hand, Keith snorted “Thanks. So are you” If he hadn’t been concerned, Lance would have rolled his eyes “I think you have a fever. Do you feel sick?” There was a tick long pause “Maybe a little hot...” Groaning, Lance sat up, taking the opportunity to really stare at his husband. Keith looked sick. He couldn’t pick up anything in his scent, but he’d spent Vargas staring at Keith’s face. He knew when he was in pain. He knew when he was sick “You’re sick. Come on, let’s get you to bed and settled” Keith growled softly “I’m not sick” “And I’m not pregnant. You’re sick, buster. Let me check your foot. I bet your infection’s got worse again” Sass was his defence. He was scared. He’d missed the symptoms. He should have been paying more attention of Keith’s needs “It’s nothing” “Keith. If you don’t get up and march your arse to bed right now, I will knock you out and carry you there myself. Why didn’t you tell me you were sick!?” “I don’t know... I didn’t really notice it until you pointed it out” “What kind of excuse is that!? Come on, we’re going to bed” Grabbing Keith’s hand, he didn’t care that he was scattering baby clothes as he pulled Keith to his feet “Well someone’s eager” That one earned the eye roll “Yes. I’m eager to make sure you’re not getting sick because we haven’t been monitoring your foot like we have. I’m so fucking stupid. Of course it wasn’t healed. It’s not like your neck. No. That healed... you had a whole fucking branch in your foot. Stupid, Lance... stupid. You have one fucking job...” “Babe...” Keith tried to calm him, Lance ignoring it in favour of limping as fast as he could with Keith in tow. Peeling off his husband’s sock, Keith’s foot was definitely infected. A small lump having formed under the tiny pinprick sized remaining scab, while red lines ran from the site “It’s infected” Wriggling his toes, Keith tried to peer down at the bottom of his foot, which was impossible. His foot was in Lance’s hold “Are you sure?” “Keith. I’m going to hit you. Why didn’t you tell me that it hurt!?” “It didn’t? I mean, it felt a little weird this morning...” “This morning!” Screeching at Keith, it was now afternoon, nearly evening. It’d been that bad for that long?! “Dios. Don’t go yelling like that. I’m fine. I’ll take a nap...” Who’d taught this el estúpido ,Spanish? “Why didn’t you tell me? Kosmo, make sure he doesn’t move. Or I’ll castrate both of you” Retrieving the med kit, the pain pills in the pack seemed to stare at him. His heart starting to race the longer he stared at them. Growling at himself, he shook two pills out the pack, before limping to the kitchen to retrieve a water pack for Keith. Returning to their room, his husband had started sweating, his hands slightly shaky as he took the pills and swallowed them down without protest. Keith must have been feeling like quiznak to be so obliging. Catching his arm as Lance placed down the water pack, Keith gave him a smile “It’s not that bad. You’re not an idiot. I didn’t notice” “I should have... You’re my husband and I didn’t...” Shaking his head, he didn’t want to have this conversation. He was stupid. He was. Moving to sit down by the first aid kit, he sighed at himself. He was stupid. Whether Keith admitted it or not “I’m going to look at your foot. It might hurt a bit, but hopefully anything that’s been in there will drain out” “Babe. It’s fine. It’s not even that sore” “You took both pills without me asking! You wouldn’t do that if it was nothing!” “I would when I knew you’d be upset. I was too wrapped up in thinking about our twins in these tiny little clothes to think about much else... babies are small, aren’t they?” “Some are. Twins are usually smaller because there’s only so much space they can take up” “That’s so weird” Lance might be the rambler when he was sleepy, but he was now enjoying listening to Keith’s sleepy rambles. He felt sick to the very bottom of his stomach that he’d missed all the signs “Tell me about it. Actually, tell me about it. It’ll keep you distracted” “You’re like growing two people in you. What if they’re dickheads? Or like weird food... or brussel sprouts? What if they can’t pilot? What if they get air-sick?” Grabbing what he needed from the first aid kit, Lance slathered the bump with antibiotic cream “No child of yours would dare get air-sick” “That tickles” “Good, because it’s about to get painful. What else have to you discovered about twins?” Taking the scalpel, this was probably an awful idea. He nearly forgot to put the gauze underneath Keith’s foot to catch anything that came out. What came out had him gagging. There was a small sliver of plant matter that finally oozed out once the initial rush of blood and gunk passed. It reeked. Keith needed to be on antibiotics, and he didn’t have any. Five days into their precious holiday, and now they were going to have to leave early. Working out what he could, Keith didn’t take it well. He kept trying to free his foot and hit him in the nose more than once as Lance wrestled with him. For a big bad Blade’s operative, Keith was being a woose “Are you done yet?” Folding up the dirty gauze he’d been wiping over the wound, Lance sighed at his husband. He knew he was terrible at this sort of thing, but he was sure he was doing better than Keith. His knee still felt as if it was stuffed full of razor blades, yet he’d kept most of his grumblings to himself “You’re not going to like this. Either we do a hospital trip over to Garrison city, or we’re heading to the outpost two days early” Crossing his arms, Keith looked like an angry toddler as he huffed “I’m sure it’s not that bad” “It’s literally a piece of bramble from the planet that sent you all crazy. The whole planet was anti-Galra and your human side didn’t help at all. Yes, it is that bad. Now make your mind up. The hospital or Daehra” Keith glared at him for a long moment “Are you sure I need to go?” Unfolding the piece of dirty gauze in his hold, Keith wrinkled his nose. Lance dry heaving as he rushed to scrunch it back up “Yeah. It stinks. I don’t know how the fuck they missed it, but I’m not fucking happy. And I’m not letting you off that easy. An infection can easily turn to blood poisoning or sepsis. Do you want to lose your arms and legs? Because sometimes that’s the only way to save someone!” “Alright. Ok. We’ll go to the hospital” “Thank you. Let me clean this all up, then we’ll go. No poking at it while I’m gone. I want to let it drain a little more before I cover it up” Kosmo wasn’t keen on being left behind, and Keith wasn’t keen on letting him pilot his ship. Reminding his husband that “idiots who didn’t pay attention to their infections were made to sit in the passenger seats where they were expected to remain quiet”, didn’t sit well with him at all. Keith trying to be covert as he began picking at the tape holding the non-stick wound pad on. Pulling his knife from his boot, Lance threw it at the dash beside Keith’s booted “good foot”, causing his husband to yelp in shock. Given he wasn’t sorry, Lance didn’t apologise. As he piloted the ship to the designated landing area on the outskirts of the city, he played back everything that had happened. All he could think of was in the rocky terrain where Blue’s cave had been, Keith must have irritated and dislodged the fragment. His foot had been getting better. The wound shrinking every day... because he’d made sure to check when he remembered. He’d stopped verbally asking as Keith would get annoyed. Now he was kicking himself. Catching a hover-taxi to the hospital, Lance nearly forgot his crutches, and his wallet in his rush to get Keith into the hands of someone more professional than he was. He’d cleaned the wound out with a saline wash from the first aid kit. Bits of red looking gunk dribbling out as he did. It took three rinses for him to be happy. Keith, on the other hand, certainly wasn’t happy. Not that Lance was thrilled over their current predicament. He hated hospitals. He hated the smell of the disinfectant. He felt like he was being judged as a junky, despite them having no knowledge of his condition. Talking first with the triage nurse, then with the registrar, they were asked to wait in the relatively empty waiting room. Being Paladins meant they had free healthcare, as did their families. His heart ached over the fact the same couldn’t be said for everyone. It felt like a totally dick move to charge people thousands of dollars when everyone had a basic right to all the same services. They hadn’t fought in a galactic war just to line the pockets of the greedy. He’d never tell Keith, yet if he was faced with some of the rich that blamed the poor for being poor, he wasn’t sure he wouldn’t shoot them. With Keith feeling so poorly, Lance held his hand tightly, rubbing his cheek against his husbands upper arm in an effort to comfort him. Keith had his fair share of bad memories when it came to hospitals. He’d expected him to opt for Daehra, but Keith wasn’t ready to return to space. The incident having carved a deep and ugly scar inside, where his love couldn’t magically make it all better. When Keith was called through, Lance explained what had happened as his husband was sulking with the biggest pout he’d ever seen on his lips. Examining the wound, Keith behaved himself as he was prodded at.. before being offered the use of a pod to heal the minor injury. They’d have to head over to the garrison if they took the offer. Selfishly torn, Lance prayed Keith wouldn’t take the offer. He wanted Keith safe, well, and in one piece. He also feared Keith going into a pod and never coming out again. Realising his working himself into a panic attack over the idea of Keith being trapped behind that thin pane of glass forever, he wrapped his arms around himself in a self hug. Breathe in. Hold. Release. Patience yields focus. Breathe in. Hold. Release. As Lance worked his way back out of the sprouting panic attack, Keith accepted the offer of antibiotics instead, as they’d be staying with a medical professional in a few days anyway. Recleaning and dressing Keith’s foot, his husband was given crutches to keep him off it. It wasn’t until Keith started getting huffy over accelerated Galra healing that Lance felt he could breathe again. They made a fine pair. Both of them on crutches, both of them wanting to hold the door open for the other. Keith’s pride getting in the way when he limped forward, growling at the slow pace. Both of them quiznakking idiots who couldn’t follow doctors orders. Keith had tried to get him in trouble by mentioning how Lance was still in quite a bit of pain from his sprained knee. Which was ignored. The doctor simply raising an eyebrow, before getting back to explaining how Keith needed to take one tablet three times a day with meals. * With Keith off his feet, Lance was determined to be the perfect husband. The fact that his anxieties wouldn’t give him a moments rest, nor the nausea that left him with a crippling headache as he cooked for them, didn’t stop him. Sleeping off his fever, Lance went on a preparation spree. He cooked up all the food that was left in the shack, making enough meals that they’d be taking some back to the outpost. He swept the wood floors, then ran the mop over them. Cleaned up the baby clothes that he been scattered, tears rolling down his face because of how tiny and precious they all were. Their two tiny miracles... That he still hadn’t decided on where he’d be giving birth. Altea had all his medical records, but his counsellor was on Erathus... Dios knew he could use a long talk with them... He wasn’t recovered from what had happened on the training mission. Keith’s words would echo in his ears. The way they snapped at him would come flooding back without want. He was trying to be ok, because when it was just the two of them, Keith made everything better by being at his side. He felt stronger with him. Not so useless and cowardly... and not quite so out of control. The temptation to swallow down half a dozen painkillers had only been killed by Keith’s need of them. He’d thought his knee would heal faster than it had been. Two movements on crutches and it was still tender, despite icing and elevating it. The Cuban had the suspicion that his sister sitting on his leg had worsened the damage, but he didn’t want to appear a cry baby over a sore knee. Not when Keith was actually ill. He’d cried pathetically over missing the signs and symptoms as he changed the cold compress across Keith’s forehead. His husband treated him like he was the most precious treasure in existence, yet he’d let him down by not paying enough attention. And... and it scared him. It scared him so badly that Keith could be so sick and he’d missed it. He never asked if he still felt pain from having that bone sample taken from his wrist, or where Lance had accidentally electrocuted him. Hearing Keith scream his name, Lance flew into a blind panic, bumping into the walls of the shack as he rushed. Thrashing on the bed, Keith was mid-nightmare. Lunging forward, his stupid knee twisted, Lance letting out his own pained cry as he clutched his knee. The brace was off because wearing it was bulky and uncomfortable. Now he regretted it. Holding his knee, he hobbled to the bed before sitting on the edge and taking Keith’s shoulders into his hands “Keith. Babe... Babe, you need to wake up for me” Keith fought his hold, Lance afraid he was going to have to slap him, when his husband’s eyes suddenly shot open. Disorientated, it took Keith a few moments to meet his eyes. When he did, his husband crumpled. Gathering him up, Lance rubbed his back as he hushed him softly “You’re ok, mullet. You’re ok... it was just a dream” Nodding, Keith still clung to him tightly “Sorry” “It’s alright. As long as you’re alright... I’ve got you” “I had a nightmare” Mumbled into his shoulder, Keith continued to shake “I noticed. Do you want to tell me?” “It’s stupid” Trust his husband to call anything he couldn’t handle “stupid” “It’s not stupid. We both have nightmares, babe. We can’t help it...” “But it is...” “Were you chased by giant ducks?” Keith snorted wetly, Lance nuzzling his hair “No. No. Allura came back and she and Lotor killed you... I couldn’t stop them. They cut... they... she...” “Ok. Ok. Deep breaths for me. I’m here” Knowing it was Allura hurt. She’d done this to his body in the first place, and he’d been blissfully free of her hauntings for a small while now. He made an educated guess that they’d done something about the twins in his nightmare, by the way Keith shook harder when he got to “they cut...” “It was awful” “I know, babe. But she’s gone. They’re both gone. And we’re all safe... We’re all safe... I’m safe” “I can’t lose you... or the twins... I can’t be left behind again” “Shhhh... I’m not leaving. You’re my husband... two halves of the same idiot” “I’m sorry. I can’t believe I’m crying over a stupid dream” “Babe, it’s not the first time and I know it sucks, but I’m here. Being home must have brought back up so much for you... but I’m ok. Your babies are ok... we’re ok” “It felt...” “It felt way too real?” Keith nodded. Lance knew exactly what he meant. He’d seen Keith killed in front of him more than he liked to admit, or think about “Here, lay back down so I can hold you properly. You can rub the belly as much as you want” Sniffling, Keith leaned back. His husband’s eyes red rimmed and face a total mess. Smiling softly, Lance leaned in to kiss him, wishing he could kiss the pain away “Sorry...” “Don’t even think about apologising again. You’re my husband, Keith. The father of our twins. And one hell of a bad arse with his share of scars. We’ve been through some really really scary things, but we’re safe here in the shack. Just the two... three... five of us...?” Yeah. 5. Them. Their fur son and their twins. 5... His drawn out math drawing a smile from Keith, Keith returning the kiss with a soft nuzzle “Our family’s really getting bigger” “Yep. I think I’ve popped further... but I’d have to check the photos...” “You’ve been taking photos?” “I know I’ve gotten bigger since we got here... I took some... I... wanted to want this too, but it’s hard seeing my body growing bigger” Nuzzling harder, Keith’s kiss was more ”sexual” than ”comforting”. Keith’s wrists moving to rub at his neck “You’re beautiful. You’re so fucking beautiful...” “And you’re a mess. Now lay down so you can have cuddles” It took a good hour of pampering attention on Lance’s stomach for Keith to settle. Lance was barely conscious, the feel of Keith’s slightly rough fingertips lulling him like the world’s sweetest lullaby into a feeling of safety and security that his anxieties hadn’t allowed. Growing babies took so much out of him. He’d found a new respect for every working pregnant woman. His body wanted sleep. He wanted sleep. His bladder wanted freedom. Keith needed him awake. Keith was more important to him than his own rest and needs. His husband wasn’t able to “lay still”, he wouldn’t stop rubbing at the taunt skin as he kissed and nuzzled the swell... after forcing Lance to pull his shirt off so he could double check that Lance hadn’t been gutted for their twins. Crawling back up to rest with his head on Lance’s arm, Keith snuggled into his chest “Feeling better?” “Yeah. I’ve calmed down... My instincts got the better of me. That dream... I could feel your blood on my hands as I tried to keep your organs from falling out. Lotor, he was holding our twins. Allura...” “They’re gone. Allura and Lotor are gone. You don’t need to keep thinking about it” “I know” “Then you’ll be ok with taking a nap? I’m pretty beat” “I don’t think I can. Not yet” “Then do that creepy thing you do when you watch me sleep” “It’s not creepy. It’s the only time you’re quiet” Keith was joking. He was joking and he knew it... Yet it stung “My bad. I’ve cleaned through the shack and did the meal prep. It just needs to be popped in the microwave when you get hungry. You can go ahead and eat when you feel like it, but don’t forget to take your meds when you do, and don’t forget you need to use your crutches” Keith picked up on his hurt. His husband frowning “Did I say something wrong?” Forcing a smile for Keith’s sake, Lance squashed his pain down “Nah. I’m just tired from growing your babies. Nothing that a nap won’t fix” “Alright... you were yawning constantly” “Because it’s hard work... I feel like I could sleep for a year” “Then you should have come to bed. You’re supposed to stay off your knee” “I didn’t want to disturb you. You had a long day” “That’s not excuse. You’re not supposed to be doing the housework in my shack. You’re my husband” “And you’re my husband. Is it so crazy that I might want to be there for you too” “But it’s my job to take care of you...” Job... It was a job to take care of him... No. He wasn’t going to cry. Keith was right. He was a job. A whole lot of hard work that his husband didn’t need.

[twistedmija]

To the version of myself that knows better now

What do I expect?

When I pretended not to hear him slurring his grammar

I expect him to be strong enough to get better

When he tells me to get another

I expect him to know his own limits limits

When I wear my yellow sash and wave at the parent’s and teachers I see

I expect them to smile back, and know that someone cares

When I cut and dye my hair

I expect to feel the sweet secular relief of change empowering me and pushing me to go another day

When I just want him to like me

I expect him to understand and respect the boundaries I express

When I ignore that fact that G makes me uncomfortable

I expect him to leave me alone to spend time with my family

When I lied to dad about my girlfriend

I expect him to want me dead if he learns the truth

When I first peel the wallpaper from it’s foundation and saw the led red paint

I don’t expect to feel the amount of release I do, every single time

I don’t expect to feel a weight off of my shoulders when I saw the paint drip

I think the world has a reason.  It has to.

It wouldn’t do this to me for no reason.

When they call me 

Fat       Cunt         Lazy

Worthless                    Immature

              Ugly               Annoying

   Bitch           Crazy

I forgave them

I didn’t think they meant it

When they divorced

I thought they were soulmates and superheros like on tv

I thought I would be different than the ones before me

I expect that I will still have the time to smell flowers even when I get a job

I am innocent

I feel like crying

I can’t stop crying

Did they go through this? 

Why is this okay to them?

I thought I mattered

My feelings are valid

That hurt a lot

Do I deserve this?

I want to feel safe

I can tear the paper

That makes me cry

But it feels better

Don’t make them worry

Why are you mad?

Tear the wallpaper down

The led paint is beautiful

I looks even and symmetrical

Mom says I draw symmetry a lot

Use peroxide so she doesn’t see

That stings, go lighter

You can’t let her see

Maybe this will fix it

Yours, a soul made of milk, honey, and roses.

[kafksaesque]

thoughts on love, being loved, abuse, and healing

i have always had an odd relationship with all types of love. perhaps it was growing up neurodivergent, maybe the specific environment i grew up in, i’m not sure. my love for my family, my relatives, was all conditional, something i never tend to see reflected in my peers. my love for my friends tends to feel more similar to how others describe familiar love rather than just platonic love. i always felt like i loved people faster than normal, stronger than normal. this combined with the environment i grew up in was practically devastating to my young brain. i know i have not recovered from it all.

at first, i fell for my mother’s fake love. she would tell me her slaps were not hard enough to be abuse, that all parents do that, it’s just good parenting, so stop being so dramatic. but i learned soon that her love was not what love ought to be. violence and neglect and manipulation is not what love is supposed to be. maybe i do not know exactly what love is, but i knew what it was not. i was angry. i was angry that i was not loved the way i loved others. i took this out on people. i was immature and destructive and unloving on the outside because that’s how i had been loved. but i regretted it. i still regret how i was back then. at a point, the anger simmered off into a chronic pain. depression and anxiety hit me full force at such a young age and i became self conscious, turned to self harm, locked myself up. i talked to my family about absolutely nothing. i still do. and the abuse didn’t stop, but it reformed itself. i haven’t been hit in years. instead it was comments on my body, pressuring me to lose weight and shaming me for not playing sports, making me count calories, carbs, grams of sugar, protein. i’ve never recovered from that. those mindsets are still with me to this day. and then it was shaming me for academics, being lazy, immature, emotional, dramatic, a procrastinator, avoidant. i was gaslighted into thinking my very real mental illnesses and disorders were simply attitude problems. it was treating my brothers with care, trust, as if they were fragile. you see in my mothers eyes her boys’ struggles were the most important, the most challenging. mine were problems i had to figure out myself.

then, in the fall of 2020, i had a new abuser. typical narcissistic behavior; love bombing, making me feel so loved and cared for, and sudden ghosting. complete abandonment. manipulating me into feeling bad for them. making me feel unlovable. in november i tried to kill myself.

in my eyes, i was unlovable. you see i was dramatic and sensitive and fragile and immature and overly emotional and easily embarrassed and damaged and ugly and fat and annoying and overwhelming and bothersome and stupid and impulsive. all the love i got convinced me of this.

but i realized not long ago, that i am loveable. i am deserving of the same love i give others. i deserve to be loved as hard as i love others. maybe i can be a bit impulsive and emotional, i annoy some people, maybe i’m a bit sensitive, but am i not deserving of love? aren’t i funny and intelligent and caring and creative and don’t i try my best to love people? i have the right to be loved as i love. that overwhelming, encapsulating feeling, the one that makes my chest sparkle and fly; i deserve someone that loves me like that. i know i do. i know what love is not. i know when i am not being loved.

i know i am not fully healed. there is no way to heal in the place i am in. i cannot find solace in the place i am abused. i cannot find comfort in the house i am abused in. but once i am out, i will know how to heal.