#familygettogethers

[joybreathingdragon]

Handling Holiday Gatherings while You are Grieving

In my last post, I talked about finding something good in every day. I also said some folks need to quit expecting their family members to grieve the same way they do. 

Almost every year for the last seven or more years that I have addressed grief and surviving the holiday, someone has reached out to tell me about a family member who expects "everyone to be fine, and I'm not."

In every situation, this meant that the person reaching out was still very sad and saw the holiday as a point of grief or yet another day to remind them of the person who had passed, and someone else wanted to find joy in the day.

I have mostly seen this happen with siblings who have lost a parent or a wife/mom and her children.

For example, a few years ago a woman I knew lost her husband of 50 years, and for the most part, she seemed to not slow down at all. She kept up with her social outings and friends. She did her volunteer work. She talked about her late husband some but with fondness of memory. All was good. Until Christmas. When one of her daughters did not make the usual cookies. The one her daddy always liked. Now, from what I gathered between the outraged yelling and sobbing, no one else liked those cookies but the dad, who had died. When I spoke to the daughter, she said she didn't like making the cookies but made them because of her dad. However, with her dad gone, she didn't have to make them, so she didn't. To Mom, though, this was a betrayal to her husband of the most sacrilegious kind. Daughter knew he loved those cookies. How could she not keep that tradition for her dad?  It was...ugly. As I talked to the mom, she also mentioned how no one wanted to watch the football game, which her husband had done every Christmas since football was on Christmas Day, because they wanted to play games. And then came the question: "How could they just forget their daddy that way?"

Well, here is the thing. They didn't forget their daddy. They just didn't see a reason to keep doing things they didn't want to do if he wasn't there. The wife/mom wanted it exactly as it had been when he was alive, and the kids saw it as a chance to do something new that everyone enjoyed. 

It is tempting to think one is right and one is wrong, but really, neither is, and I'm not sure either is really unhealthy. I mean, 50 years with someone is a lot of creating routine, and when you've lost the person you have spent your life with, holiday traditions can be the one place you can still hold them. I don't think anything is wrong with that, and it is certainly understandable the first few years. However, not everyone needs or wants that experience, and that doesn't make them wrong either. 

I mentioned siblings who have lost a parent. Very often there is one sibling who was very close to the parent or is clinging to a time when they felt joy or wholeness within the family and wants to keep their parent alive through traditions while the other siblings are ready to let go and do something new. Neither are wrong. They are just different. It could be due to different temperaments or different experiences, different directions their lives have taken, even different feelings of fulfillment with their lives now.

Honestly, a lot of the emotionally upheaval could be handled with communication and compromise. Keep some traditions and change others. It really isn't that complicated, but for some, it can be really hard to think past the emotions of the grief.

For our family, we did a lot of talking about what we all needed and wanted. For instance, I am not a fan of turkey, so when my parents and husband were gone, I said no more turkey on holidays. That lasted a few years until my kids wanted turkey drumsticks for Thanksgiving, which I did. For a few years we did no gifts or tree, but we kept our tradition of driving and looking at Christmas lights. This year my kids were gone Thanksgiving and won't be home Christmas due to jobs and relationships, which I am fine with. Instead, we are "doing Christmas" the first week of January and celebrating my birthday at the same time. 

Granted, it has been 14 years since my mom died and 13 since my husband died, so we have had some time to work through, but even in the beginning, we all worked together to do what was good for all of us. The first Christmas, I couldn't make my mom's dressing without crying, so even though it is a family favorite, I didn't make it, and no one complained. 

Holidays can be so hard, and everyone wants them to feel good.

The thing is for some folks, especially widows it seems, holding onto what was and how things were gives them a feeling of staying connected to their husband or loved one, and as painful as missing them is, being connected feels good. It gives a small touch of feeling whole and belonging. 

For others feeling good is not having to go to that family gathering or party or eating that nasty food or... 

For some feeling good is finally doing what they want to do and not having to give in to others all the time.

For others feeling good is doing new or different things, adding new foods, going skiing, running a race, sleeping in.

All of those are the right way to handle the holiday.

What do you do when those who want nothing to change and those who are excited for change collide?

Well, you can talk and compromise, or you set boundaries for what you are willing to give. The fact is you don't have to go to a gathering. If you know Sister BonnieJo is going to be utterly miserable and cry in the candied yams again like she did at Thanksgiving and talk about how Momma liked this or that and nothing tastes right because Momma didn't make it or Momma would do the perfect napkins and the very thought of listening to her again makes your vein on your neck pop, don't go. Just don't. I give you permission not to go.

If you are upset because your kids aren't as sad as you are or aren't as committed to the traditions as you are, then my suggest is find a way to enjoy your kids in one gathering and find a way to honor the traditions in your own way. Is there something you and your spouse did that you can still do? Did you watch a special movie, eat a favorite restaurant, make cookies? You can always do those things yourself, and yes, it will likely be sad, but it might also offer some comfort because you had a relationship that is worth remembering, and you shared amazing times, and those memories may bring laughter and thankfulness for that time you did have.

And if you are a child of a parent who has lost their beloved, spouse or partner, please understand your parent isn't just holding onto some tradition. They are holding onto the place they felt belonging and to the person they used to be, the one they knew how to be, during the holidays. They aren't just missing their partner. They are missing who they were with that person, and this may be their clear moment when they can feel that again and can be that person even the slightest bit again through the traditions they've had. Give grace. It is inexpressibly hard to not know who you are anymore and to grieve the person who died and the you that you lost with them. 

Y'all, be kind to each other. Love each other gently. Give each other room. Take responsibility for yourself, but walk through this together. Find comfort in the memories you've made, and give yourself freedom to enjoy the moments you want as memories in the future.

Blessings and wishes for a beautiful holiday,

Jerri Kelley

[bluemountainofarkansas]

Our Friends, Antagonists, Family Members... It is National Cousins Day.

Some cousins are our friends, our antagonists, we grow up with them through the years, but most of all they are our family members. Cousins made family get-togethers fun – or maybe more tolerable and less awkward – at least when we were kids.

Whether you are close with your cousins or distant from your cousins, if they are your friends or foes, those of us who are lucky to still have cousins around, please take the time to celebrate them during National Cousins Day.

[michaeldagaymerx]

I had such a great time yesterday, seeing family, cousins, my aunt and uncle on my mom’s side of the family. I got to go swimming, go in a splash pad, had some pizza for lunch and just having a really great time with family 👨‍👩‍👧‍👦🏊‍♂️🍕

[raindropsresorts-blog]

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[vipsweden]

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[joearf]

2023.03.19: ‘There’ll be cake!’ - Ardsley, NY #cake #birthdaycake #familygettogether #ardsleyny (at Ardsley, New York) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cp_ee5wusmd/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[kongarmor]

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[honeychildoz]

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[froggy1003]

Holiday shopping tip! #Thanksgiving #holidayhumor #saveonchristmasgifts #familyandpolitics #tistheseason #familygettogethers #happyholidays #Froggy1003 (at Froggy 100.3) https://www.instagram.com/p/B5TFFmknF-O/?igshid=bo9406fept2w

[agexplorers]

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[fireisland2468]

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[themooseeventcenter]

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[zipzaizen]

Christmas this year reminded me of the time my sassy, EIGHT year old cousin, gave my sister and me major depression.

Kids these days.

[raindropsresorts-blog]

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[vipsweden]

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