#failing a bit at this little challenge I've set for myself

[limegreenbunny]

Love this still so I had to draw it.

[adventuringblind]

Hold Me

LandOscar x reader

Genre: Fluff

Summary: Reader endures the death of a family member, Lando and Oscar are there to help her grieve

Dialouge prompt: "Hold me, I just want to relax in your arms."

Warnings: Death and grief, whoever you're grieving in this is left gender neutral so you can imagine whoever you want

Notes: to be perfectly honest, I've never personally experienced this. I'm not close wit majority of my extended family. I used this to challenge myself so I hope you like it! :)

This is part of my 1000 follower celebration! Requests are still open if you would like to participate!

Masterlist

Loss and grief are a finicky thing. Mourning comes in many different forms, and one can grieve the loss of anything.

This is more stereotypical. Or - that how she feels at the moment. Not being able to get out of bed in the morning, not being able to sleep. Eating has even become a difficult task for her as she tries to reason with herself that this is not what they would've wanted for her. That is, if they were still here.

She wants nothing more than to pull herself together, but her mind and body are not on the same terms. It's been a week since the funeral. Why can't she just make herself move forward?

There is a cold spot on the bed on one side and an arm around her waist from the other. Lando is up and about somewhere as usual. Oscar has always loved to sleep in.

The door opens softly, and Lando slides back under the covers. "You feeling up to coming down for breakfast? Or should we stay in bed?" So gentle. So reassuring. Never pushing.

"I want to go go downstairs, but -" She huffs in frustration. "- My body won't move."

Lando hums and attempts to pry her out of Oscar's grip without waking him. He fails, and Oscar only grips harder. "I was going to suggest I take you downstairs myself so that your body doesn't have to cooperate... but I think Osc has other plans." He chuckles a little bit at the sight.

It pulls a quick half smile out of her. And Lando absolutely beams at it.

The Brit tries again to pull her away from Oscar. The Aussie wakes this time and groans. "No."

This time, she manages a small chuckle. Oscar turns over with her in tow, and Lando whines. "Could you let go for like five minutes so we can go eat?"

"Tired."

"Food."

A brief pause. "What kind of food?"

"Whatever kind you want if you come downstairs with us."

Oscar groans for an ungodly amount of time before agreeing. She can't help herself and laughs. Something about this morning encounter, the way her lovers are bantering, how the sun is spilling into the room, and illuminating their skin.

"It's nice to hear your laugh."

"Good thing we can listen to it every time you make stupid decisions."

"Rude!"

All three of them fall in a fit of giggles. Oscar relents and turns them back over so she's facing Lando.

"Can you both hold me - I just want to relax in your arms for a bit." She mumbles out. Two sets of arms wrap around her. Her body relaxs in their hold. Something about her tears this time is a mix of all her feelings. Everything is overwhelming.

But it's okay. She knows she's looked out for. It may not feel okay now, and she is grieving, but Lando and Oscar are here.

She thanks the person now watching over her for this moment.

[isfjmel-phleg]

August 2024 Books

Little Women by Louisa May Alcott (reread)

Reread in preparation for a visit to Orchard House.

Finch House by Ciera Burch

I read this one in its entirety on the plane. An atmospheric and heartfelt example of the middle-grade spooky-mysterious-house subgenre that I find myself drawn to over and over, but I was left with some unanswered questions in the end that could have been more thoroughly resolved.

The War That Saved My Life by Kimberly Brubraker Bradley

I wanted to like this one more than I did, but there were some content concerns for me. Similar thematically in some ways to Good Night, Mr. Tom, but takes the POV of the evacuee child rather than that of the adult who takes them in.

The Pinballs by Betsy Byars

A slight book but featured the development of a very genuine bond among three mismatched foster children with a variety of painful histories, which made it memorable.

Louisa May Alcott: A Personal Biography by Susan Cheever

Found among my library's collection and read as part of my pre-Orchard House research. Cheever tends to get a bit too swept up in setting the broader historical scene to get too close to her subject, which felt unfocused to me.

Fox Farm by Eileen Dunlop

Ostensibly about caring for an abandoned young fox but in fact about a boy with abandonment issues learning to bond with his foster family. Dunlop (in other works as well as this one) writes complex family dynamics well, and I enjoyed this one.

The Treasure Bird by Peni R. Griffin

Clever middle-grade mystery set around San Antonio (an area I've visited a lot, which made it extra fun for me).

The Lion of Lark-Hayes Manor by Aubrey Hartman

Middle-grade intrusive fantasy. I'm trying to remember why it didn't do much for me. It was probably characters or themes.

Final Word by Janet Sumner Johnson

I enjoyed this one more than I expected to. The mystery and spelling bee aspects were fun, but I really liked the exploration of the family dynamics and how the protagonists' assumptions about the rich relatives who have been absent from her struggling family's life (including her late father) are challenged and complicated. Also lots of Jane Austen references. The father and his siblings are all named for Austen characters, etc.

Drowned Amnet by Diana Wynne Jones

I'm not completely sure how I feel about the Dalemark series so far, but Jones as ever has a gift for striking characters and worldbuilding and Twists.

Marmee and Louisa: The Untold Story of Louisa May Alcott and Her Mother by Eve LaPlante

A descendant of Abigail May Alcott's family writes with an emphasis on Abigail's background, character, and accomplishments, and I came away with a new appreciation for her and her impact on her daughters (and, indirectly, through her inspiring one of the most beloved mother figures in literature).

Eden's Outcasts: The Story of Louisa May Alcott and Her Father by John Matteson

On the other hand, I would like to go back in time and fist-fight Bronson Alcott, but he would probably just lecture me on my moral failings.

The Curious Vanishing of Beatrice Willoughby by G. Z. Schmidt

Interesting premise but I didn't warm up to the execution.

Ivy Larkin by Mary Stolz

I didn't warm up to this but can't remember why.

Comics

Wayne Family Adventures Volume 4

Read originally in webcomic form but reread in the print edition.

[togglesbloggle]

I was tagged by @wellmetmat in @perdvivly's ask meme that's going around- thanks for the interest! A few questions, they shall be answered. I won't tag anyone else for now, but anyone who sees this should absolutely respond if they're so inclined.

1. What virtue do you most often see in other people that you feel comparatively deficient in?

Easy one for me: diligence. Consistency, commitment, patient sustained focus on moderate challenges. Being there not on day 1 but on day 1000.

It's a skill I greatly admire in others, and I'm often drawn to those who can practice it successfully and consistently. The virtue of diligence has a way of making the world around oneself a dramatically better place, so being attracted to such people really works out well for me in the long run. Good parenting is perhaps one of the ur-examples here; the stakes of consistency get about as high as they reasonably can, and the rewards are just as clear. I've heard parents say that it's a time of very long days and very short years, and I often strive to give my days and my years the same quality- with not as much success as I'd like.

2. Show us an object in your daily life that you have an emotional attachment to - tell us a little bit about it if you want! (a favourite mug perhaps? socks with a cute pattern? dealers choice)

I actually live more-or-less surrounded by little curios that meet this description, so I had a lot to choose from. It's a lifestyle, or at least a method of interior decorating, that makes me really happy. I grabbed these three more or less at random. From left to right:

Every geologist has a collection of boring-looking rocks with cool science attached; this is the star of my collection. It's a microbialite, meaning roughly that it's a 'fossil' of an ancient microbial mat. This one is from the Buck Reef Chert in South Africa, basically a piece of flint. It's 3.42 billion years old, from the Paleoarchean. It's nearly seven times older than multicellular life, and even predates oxygenic photosynthesis (which is the pattern where plants or green algae uptake CO2 and release oxygen); the organisms that created this fossil breathed iron instead. So it's the sort of organism that was common in the shallower waters of Earth's oceans back in the most primordial ecosystems we have a record of. A relic from an alien world, older than a full third of the stars in the Milky Way galaxy. I find it very beautiful to be biologically related to it, and to be part of the same uninterrupted organic chemical reaction.

In the middle is my orchestrator badge for a university class which conducts an elaborate simulation of the papal election of 1492 and its aftermath, run by a professor in the history department- this is last year's. You may recognize 1492 in the Italian peninsula as 'interesting times'. It's taken for class credit, but the heart of it is a LARP that plays out over the course of about two and a half weeks, with full costuming and set-dressing. Every student is assigned a particular period character; most are voting cardinals, some are monarchs ruling over France or Spain and trying to get a favorable pope for themselves, a few are invented minor roles like vote counters that wouldn't have been recorded by history (so that clever cardinals can bribe them, among other things; we have rules for how much the vote-takers can cheat). After suitable prep, we let them loose, and watch the poor bastards chase incentive gradients far enough to burn Europe to the ground. I myself pretend to be a mere orchestrator for the first three days of the simulation, and act mostly as a custodian for the monarchs, but then I dramatically reveal myself to actually be Sultan Bayezid II, of the Ottoman Empire, and then proceed to menace Europe with my impossible wealth, vast armies, and advanced technologies. It is, without fail, a delight.

The right is a watch given to me as a birthday gift some years ago by my dear sister, one of the marvelous transparent ones where you can see finely made gears and springs all working. It's effective for being taken seriously in Europe; combined with brown leather shoes and a thoughtful choice of shirt, it's enough to elevate you above the 'slobby American tourist' first impressions. The watch's finest hour was when I wore it to the front row of the Penn and Teller production of Shakespeare's Tempest. The show was full of stage magic to supplement the play itself, because of course it was, and this watch was irresistible to them during the audience-participation bits. Ariel the wind spirit made a great show of stealing it off my wrist, and of disappearing it and so on multiple times.

3. If you could choose, what level of fame would you want? How many people would you want to recognise you?

There's a level of demifame that I think is just right: enough respect within a widely-spread subculture to earn a comfortable income from fans, and relative anonymity outside it. Jo Walton is at about that sweet spot, for a concrete example. In practice, I think this translates to a few tens of thousands of people around the world that would recognize you, but the key is that they're not randomly selected: they're the people that you share that subculture with, so there's a baseline of mutual regard and shared values even when you're greeted out of nowhere by a stranger in a strange city.

4. Where do you feel language is least adequate to capture, communicate, or express your experience?

What a mean question to ask by text! Ha.

There's a set of experiences you can reach, which I happened to find both through scientific literacy and mindfulness meditation, involving the conditionality and contingencies of personal identity. You may have felt it a little bit when I was talking about my favorite rock, just now; you might not have. I have a powerful and sustained sense of myself as an expression of natural processes, or perhaps of the role of consciousness in illuminating the full depth of that process. It's quite comforting, I suppose, though even that's not a particularly apt description really. I think I called it being 'deep okay' a while back, though I don't recall where; I don’t think I came up with that label myself though. It was here!

5. If you had to come up with a question with the following criteria:

a) it should disuade knee-jerk reaction answers (i.e. it shouldn't be something people are likely to have spent a lot of time considering before)

b) it shouldn't be too specialised (the audience should be general, don't ask about people's top 3 byzantine spice merchants opperating between 754AD-816AD)

c) it shouldn't be needlessly emotionally charged or divisive

d) it should be a question you expect people to have lots of varied opinions about

What would your question be?

What are the kinds of magic you most wish for, or the laws of reality that you most wish could be overcome? What would this allow you to become?

---

Actually I lied I'm tagging @ritterum @femmenietzsche @eka-mark if they haven't been already.

[mupfinsmiley]

January 1st, 2024 - Log/100 Days of Productivity

Damn, I have not been on tumblr in a long time. But the urge to jump back on here has been growing stronger recently. So here I am, blogging once more.

I remember doing regular 100 Days of Productivity Challenges on here. I think I should pick that back up. I've been in a slump for a while and reconnecting with a community could help.

So here's my first log for Januar 1st 2024.

Not much has happened today. I am still feeling a little hungover and foggy from New Years Eve. I did not celebrate. I am not big on that holiday in particularly. I remember when I was younger I used to really enjoy it but now it seems so unnecessary. Just a day before a day and a day.

I honestly do not like how people celebrate here either. Fireworks are widely available and are being bought up by idiots to then be as noisy as possible. To make the air unbreathable. Pregnant with the pungent smell of smoke and sulfur. As if they were trying too hard to make themselves noticeable. This one day they think, is their day. The one were they let lose ...

Unless... That is obviously not true. People look for any way and any excuse to "let lose". To not feel responsible for their actions.

And honestly I can see why. Sometimes I wish I were the kind of person who could just let go and see where that leads me.

I can't say that i have set any New Year's resolutions ... Honestly, I don't believe in them. I'd like to think that you can improve your life any day. But I don't judge those who do. You do you. I guess I want to write more. Take care of myself more. Do things I love more. Be more active. But those are barely New Years resolutions. Just things I have not done in a long time.

So what did I actually do today? Not a lot. I cleaned a bit, unpacked my suitcase. Took a shower way to late in the day. I tried to get up early but failed. That bothers me. It seemed a lot easier a longer time ago. I tried to sleep early, too, yet the fireworks kept me up. I guess I can add better sleep to the list of Non New Years resolutions.

I edited some videos for work and I crocheted my first square for my temperature blanket. I made a post where I shared that. And I think I'll share a more general post on what that is and what I'll do with mine.

But that's pretty much it. Still a lot of drowsy procrastination. But I guess, we all start somewhere.

[becoming--nobody]

5.9.2024

(I felt a bit of judgement recently that I've allowed to linger with me. As always, I wrote this for myself, to put away the remainder of those lingering thoughts.)

Many times since I've ended up alone after receiving that terminal health prognosis so long ago, I've seen the same thing in the eyes of others. The common thought people arrive at is I must have been quite an asshole to have been abandoned by friends and family, to die alone, struggling to care for myself. Don't get me wrong in this, a few people reached out, tried to help in their own ways, then moved on. The abandoned I speak of is that nobody ever committed to seeing this challenge of life and death through with me.  It ended my marriage and eventually all of my relationships. That's the kindest way it can be explained.

I know this is the common conclusion (that I must have been unloveable), because I've been told this a few times after someone listens to me share the details of my story. You see, to someone who can't imagine what I have survived and grown through, I sound arrogant and prideful when I write or discuss how I no longer tolerate any unasked for critique from others.

Most people could not understand my day to day existence, and when "quality of life" is discussed, I smile and won't even participate in such talk usually. I've learned that we are capable of joy, sometimes, even in what once seemed unimaginable challenge. What most of us would consider the basics for some quality of living is far, far above what is necessary.

Part of my truth is that I still experience days of such dark despondance it would crush most other people. This is no brag of some natural strength, that is laughable!  I've suffered months and years that have broken me completely. I have lost my sanity, sobbed uncontrollably for days, screamed in the midst of some madness, and once even set out to end this life. Creation intervened, then gave me a new persepctive during the 2 weeks following my interupted effort.

All of this continues to prove a kind of gymnasium where a strength I can not really describe, continues to build upon the suffering.

I know, at least in part, some of the negative traits family, friends, some of those I've met during these years, I'm aware of some of the failings assigned to me by these people. Some of it is kind of accurate, if they know me well, but much of it is either who I was decades ago or things they've chosen to believe to avoid looking at their own unwillingness to love freely. (Some of the beautiful people I've met during these tough years owed nothing to my life, yet provided more than they will ever know.)

There are moments I allow myself to feel the weight of all that garbage, things cast on my shoulders by others. It's heavy, and really isn't mine to carry, so I'm able to breathe, pray, remember the beautiful things I love in each of these people, and genuinely ask our Creator to comfort them in good health and contentment in all of their days.

Love. 

Always it is love that saves my ass from bitter hopelessness; always love that saves my ass from riding my motorcycle off the side of a mountain; 

always love that brings back joy and causes me to lift my face to the Sun as I often write of, and smile from the depths of my being.

My heart sincerely breaks when I read or hear of others sufferings.  We all suffer.

I understand suffering. 

It's a little late, but I'm tired and will likely sleep well. I hope that for you too, rest that restores.

The Earth is still spinning, so the Sun will be out again tomorrow. Even if it's cloudy or stormy where you are, there will be day light, I hope you find reason to enjoy your waking hours in the light.

It'll be sunny here and I already feel a bit of a grin, just thinking of that bright, warm Sun on my face.

I love you,

Stan

[celinamarniss]

Year in Review

In 2023 I posted 4 fics at 58,153 words.

Previous years:

2022: 4 fics at 45,096 words.

2021: 3 fics posted, 55,788 words.

2020: 7 or 10 fics posted, 125,738 words.

2019: 7 fics posted, 72,149 words.

2018: 7 fics posted, 87,752 words

2016: 9 fics posted, 51,643 words

2017: 9 fics posted, 115,336 words

2016: 9 fics posted, 51,653 words

In total, 49 fics posted to Ao3.

We Can't Keep Meeting Like This

34,355 words, gen, Din/Luke/Mara

The Din/Luke/Mara fic I told myself I wasn't going to write! As these things tend to do, it expanded into a much longer fic than I expected. The "five things (plus one)" structure helped to keep it from spiraling even further, but those individual chapters ended up being much longer than I expected and took much longer to write. At first, I serialized the first couple of chapters in smaller excerpts for WIP Weds on tumblr. It was fun to get a little feedback and the weekly deadline compelled me to write those chapters quickly. But when engagement dropped to basically nothing I stopped posting updates and waited to post each chapter to ao3 when it was done. My progress slowed down considerably, but the chapters got longer. I had fun, most of the time.

The Girl Who Traveled the Ways Between the Walls

4,938 words, gen, Animalis verse

Written for the 5k AU fic challenge. Luminous Creatures begins with Mara and Luke's daemons settling, and I regretted never writing a story with an unsettled daemon character. I wanted to write a fic with a fairy-tale vibe and I wanted to explore the weirdness of the Imperial Palace. The Palace becomes a fairy tale wood, and Mara sets off on a quest in which she encounters strange people who aid her or demand aid. Does she learn the right lesson in the end? Perhaps not.

Echo, Revenant, Targeter, Phoenix

15,431 words, gen, Winter Retrac character study

I wrote this one for the Star Wars Big Bang, an experience that ended up being so stressful that I dropped out. I still finished the fic on time and posted it. The fic attracted a modest number of readers (unsurprising given Winter has been basically forgotten these days), but their enthusiasm was very gratifying. I've always liked Winter and I wanted to give her a chance to shine.

However, while I love the worldbuilding and individual scenes and images in this fic, as a whole I don't think it's very gracefully written and I've never been very happy with it.

Cascade

3,429 words, mature, Luke/Mara

I wanted to include A Non-Zero-Sum Game in Vol II of my printed fic collection, but the series felt unfinished without the fourth and final story that I planned to write after Tether. So five years later, I finally wrote it. It was interesting to go back to those old fics and try to write a story that fit the series. I wanted to post it before the new year broke so that I could count it in the 2023 list, and I rushed to get it out. It could probably still use some work.

As the year went on, I failed to meet a lot of the arbitrary deadlines I set myself, and that made writing frustrating and unfulfilling. I don't want it to be like that! I want fic to be fun.

However, I have a lot of non-fandom projects coming up in 2024, and I'm going to have to shift my focus away from fic, at least a little bit.

GOALS FOR 2024

(almost exactly the same as the goals for 2023)

Triumvirate Finale! (explicit, very) The big finale of the Triumvirate series, in which the trio returns to Coruscant to face the Emperor. Doesn’t have a proper title yet. Progress so far: three chapters drafted, 15,410 words.

A Smuggler’s Guide to Joining the Rebellion (gen) The sequel to The Things You Find on Tatooine. Progress: the first chapter finished, 2,241 words.

Lando Calrissian and the Jewel of Andara (gen) The Lando and Mara heist romcom I’ve been promising forever. Progress: three chapters drafted, but in need of heavy revision, 6757 words.

Other fics on the backburner:

Courtship remix

Experiments

Daughter of the Rain and Snow

More daemon fic! 

[bumbleknightsblog]

An Engineus Journey in 2024

Hey everyone,

This post isn't your typical opinion piece or how-to guide. It's more of a journey through different engines and technologies, aimed at sharing insights and providing context for my choices. I usually add some bee-related puns on Twitter (yes, Twitter, it's not "X"), but this is more of a tech discussion, so apologies in advance for less of that!

Let's start at the top. I'm bumble_knight, the current lead developer at Beehive Games, an indie studio that's been steadily growing over the last 5+ years. We're a small team driven by passion, juggling game development alongside full-time jobs and life's other demands. I understand the challenges; committing fully to indie game development isn't easy when bills and responsibilities are buzzing around, especially in an industry that's not exactly in perfect health at the moment.

Personally, I've immersed myself in game development for a while, tackling various projects across different technologies and platforms. Now fully embracing the indie life, each game I've worked on has brought its own set of challenges and rewards.

Recently, we launched our latest project, "Getting There," available on Steam, Epic, and itch, developed using Unity. Since the beginning, Unity has been our go-to engine. I've optimized Unity projects of varying scales to ensure smooth performance. However, discussions around Unity's runtime fee initially left a sour note. While Unity has made adjustments, the fee poses challenges for larger studios with higher burn rates and the future of the engine is still a bit uncertain.

To be frank, this incident reminded us that decisions were being made by individuals possibly disconnected from their consumers, potentially jeopardizing stability. Though the situation has evolved, it was a stark reality at the outset.

I embarked on a two-week technology investigation for our upcoming turn-based RPG, "Gaol Story." Initially exploring Unreal Engine, I hesitated due to the daunting task of migrating from C++ and concerns over Unreal's tendency towards bloat.

With a background in XNA, I considered returning to my roots and turned to MonoGame. However, the lack of robust editor support compared to Unity posed challenges. Originally planning extensive game customization, we utilized Dear ImGui, with Unity as our renderer. Transitioning to MonoGame's Dear ImGui implementation proved beneficial, yet grappling with its content pipeline became a hindrance, exacerbating my "engineitus" — the desire to build a perfect system without the constraints of a pre-built engine. So I moved on.

Experimenting with Godot in the past left me unimpressed with GDScript, but a team member's positive experience with it on another prototype prompted another look, in particular the C# branch. While Godot's node-based approach appealed to some, it didn't align with my workflow preferences.

Eventually, we returned to Unity for "Gaol Story," while eyeing Unreal Engine for future projects.

Reflecting on these experiences, I realized it's easy to be swayed by social media trends. However, players generally care little about the engine used; skill and execution determine a game's quality.

That's about it. I'm not entirely sure of the exact purpose of this post anymore, but if you found it useful, that's fantastic! Through this process, I set a time limit and embraced a fail-fast mentality, proving invaluable.

[lilytii]

I was thinking about writing a fanfic scene between my Tav Estelle and Astarion, and then I had all these little headcanons and I felt I just wanted to post this! It starts in Astarion's POV, though there are a few in her POV as well.

The Way We Love

Astarion POV

"Our love, my dear, is like the wild unpredictability of the night. Chaotic, fierce, unyielding, unapologetically honest, and simply maddening. It's a reflection of the world we've known, and I wouldn't dream of it being any different."

"It's in the way you stifle a laugh after one of my jokes, even the lamest ones. Your quiet, knowing pause speaks volumes."

"Your quick-witted sarcasm always keeps me on my toes, and I wouldn't have it any other way."

"Your determination and the unwavering assurance in your eyes when you speak up - people believe in you, and I've found myself among them."

"The adrenaline coursing through your veins as you rush into battle, your fiery fighting style – it thrills me, especially when you wear that cheeky smirk covered in the blood of your enemies."

"You've had my back from the beginning, even when you had every reason not to. You trusted me and treated me like anyone else."

"The moments when you lean me into your neck as I feed from you are both intimate and strangely comforting."

"Our ability to push each other's buttons and engage in our little banter, with that wicked grin of yours, is something I've come to cherish."

"Our more questionable antics may raise eyebrows, but they've brought us closer in their own unique way."

"You've never judged me; you've accepted me, flaws and all. Your understanding means the world to me."

"Your confidence in me, even in my weakest moments, has made me view myself differently. You've helped me see my own strengths."

"Your support for my choices, and the knowledge that you're behind me every step of the way, gives me a sense of security I've never had before."

"When you feel safe in my arms, resting your head on my shoulder, it's an honor I never expected."

"When you fall into my arms, I feel like I'm home, like I'm safe."

"The feel of your lips on my skin sets my blood on fire, igniting something deep within my soul."

"Your submission to my touch, the soft cries of my name, they're more captivating than any siren's song."

"Your willingness to understand and meet my needs speaks of your devotion."

"Your joy for life and boundless enthusiasm, even in the mundane, infects me with your zest for living."

"We always manage to infuse a bit of chaos into the most ordinary moments, making them extraordinary."

"You see me as a person, not just a broken one. You helped me find the strength to break my chains, even when our methods don't always align."

"Our journey together is a thrilling dance of chaos and challenge, and I wouldn't trade this for anythibg else. I choose this dance with you."

Estelle's POV

"Our love is a turbulent clash, akin to fire and ice, forging a powerful connection that leaves a trail of smoldering emotions in its wake. I've come to know tranquility, faced heartache, and found the missing piece of my soul."

"The way you look at me with love in your eyes, even when I'm being ridiculous."

"The way you have accepted my scars, without judgment. You see me, the real me and not the twisted beast that torture has turned me into."

"The way we can argue but still come back to each other at the end of the day."

"In the way you enjoy life and all it has to offer."

"I love the chaotic laugh when you're bathed in blood."

"It's in the way you talk of our future, together. You see me at your side when speaking of your dreams."

"It's in the way you hold me in our embrace, making me feel safe."

"It's in the way that you try to hide your jealousy when another seems smitten with me, even if you're failing terribly."

"In the way you leave your mark upon my flesh for any and all to see- and your proud little grin at the fact."

"In the way your fingers trail across my back when we're alone."

"Its in the way you whisper my name. Saying it as a prayer."

"It's in the way you do everything to protect me. Woe to any of the foes who dare lay a hand against me."

"It's in the way we've discovered our own intimacy, reclaiming what had been taken from us."

"It's the way others sneer when they see us together, because they don't understand us."

"It's the way you leave, making me long for your return."

"It's your cheesy and poetic way of speaking."

"It's in the way you see me as your partner, your equal, your lover."

"Our love, perhaps not everyone's cup of tea, is a beautiful chaos. Untamed and unrestrained, passionately intense, and, most importantly, it's genuine and exclusively ours."

[experi-sketches]

I get so excited for whumpy slavefics in modern settings. Is there anything specific that inspired you to want to try writing in a setting like this? What's been particularly challenging about it?

Hi, thank you for the question! For Beyond the Endless Day I had three goals in mind: one, to write something that was completely self-indulgent. I enjoy slavefic as a genre so that one was easy lol. Two, to be kind to myself while writing it. (No self-imposed goals for time or quality that would stress me out if I failed to meet them.) And three, to write something in a completely different setting than An Iron Blood Tale! I've been working on AIBT since 2021 and I love writing a fantasy world, but I really needed to give myself a breather after 3 years. Before AIBT most of the stuff I wrote was modern or sci-fi, so I wanted to go back to my roots. AIBT is still my primary project, but BTED is my happy little side project that lets me stretch my writing legs!

I think the most challenging part has been finding the right tone for this modern city they're living in. When I first visualized the world, I imagined something more futuristic/sci-fi, but once I started writing that felt a bit off. I re-adjusted the setting to be more modern day (tablets, phones, etc, but no floating cars, forcefields, or lasers) with touches of futuristic elements, and it felt better. Their society would need to have *some* robust technology to make their world habitable for large cities, but I didn't want tech to solve all their problems.

BTED is set on a tidally locked planet, so there's no night/day cycle. Cultures that live closer to the sun-facing side of the planet need to protect themselves from constant solar heat/light, while cultures closer to the dark side need to find ways to keep themselves warm and lit. When the setting was super futuristic the story felt too small. Tech solved most of their environmental conflicts (why even set the story on a weird planet, at that point?) and the characters only had their interpersonal drama to deal with. Once I turned the clock back a bit and put them in a world where the environment was still hostile, it gave the story some external conflict and made the world feel a bit more grounded/larger. I'm still kind of figuring out the tone, honestly, but I'm enjoying the work!

Thanks for the question! I really enjoyed getting to ramble about some setting/world building 😁

[pandor-pandorkful]

The folly of being multifaceted strikes again.

I think maybe I just gotta stop trying to make art streams work for me, at least until I'm an Affiliate and/or can get some better internet...

So if you don't know, twitch has a timed achievement system that tracks your various stats from your streams. The requirements for the Affiliate achievement, which allows you to apply to get paid, are as follows:

Get 50 followers

Stream for 8 hours

Stream on 7 different days

Have an average of 3 viewers

That's it. Sounds so easy right?

Welllll... no....

Gaining followers is a very, very slow process. (I get it, I was incredibly choosy about who I follow on twitch at first, too.) It's maddening, but it's also the one statistic that doesn't "drain" over time, assuming people STAY followed.

8 hours streamed is probably the easiest requirement to hit. But you can lose it if you don't keep streaming, twitch only counts the most recent 30 days of activity.

7 days is the same deal as hours.

3 average viewers is the one that's got me worried about doing art streams, however. My game streams are the only reason I'm coasting by on an average of 3.5... every low turnout art stream I do chips away at that average.

I've had two good art streams so far in the past 30 days: one on a Wednesday afternoon/evening where I was making sticker designs and @shiftythrifting raided me with their audience (💜🧡💜🧡💜), and last Saturday/Day 2 of Frankentober, where I was doing a prompt randomization drawing challenge (of my own weird design) and had basically bribed people to watch with promises of giveaways. ^^;;;

Those streams still had lower passive view counts than my game streams, but they were over 3 at least. The rest of my art streams have been trending worse than that.

Why?

It's harder to vamp when you're actively trying to work on a drawing. That's the main reason speed draws are the norm on youtube-artists dub over the footage after they're done. Drawfee's an outlier, managing to vamp to live drawings by being a multi person team. (So 1 person draws and the other 3 vamp.)

Games are easy because even if you're failing to be entertaining at least the game itself is entertainment.

I'm not completely used to drawing for an audience yet, so generally I tend to come off as overly nervous or low energy. The more art streams I do, the better I get at them... but....

My internet connection is terrible. I can only stream crunchy, 480p video. Which doesn't do my art any favors. (A chatter said on Saturday, upon winning a sticker sheet of my Merfolk: "OH!! You're a GOOD artist!!!" Which made me laugh! ...and despair, a little bit. ^^;;;;;;; I am a trained and practiced artist, but fuck if my crunchy streams aren't doing their damnedest to obscure that.)

So. What to do.

I could switch to making speed draws on youtube, and just game on twitch. But there are several reasons why I really, REALLY wanted art streaming to work out for me:

Having a set work schedule really helps my ADHD, and having an audience helps me focus better

When I manage to get some active chatters it's REALLY fun!!

I was hoping I could use the vods to make shorter vids for youtube... but due to the low settings I'm forced to stream at, it's pointless.

I don't have much disk place on my pc for recording videos, and it's been 7 years or so since I last did any video editing and I'm not looking forward to looking uo tutorials to try reminding myself how to work a video editing suite. >_<

So idk. I wish I felt confident I could afford better internet, cuz that's the big linchpin here.

But random ideas I could try:

Try streaming art at a bunch of different times on a bunch of different days and see if that helps... (tedious, and more likely to hurt my view average even more.)

Give up on 2d art streams for awhile and embrace the mad science angle: stream trying to learn Blender instead.

Also I still haven't tried setting up the webcam to do needle felting yet. If I can find an angle where my boobs stay out of shot, that could be something? (Difficult, there's a reason I want them chopped off. They get in the way for everything. )

Set up a Discord server for my patrons and ko-fi supporters and do work streams of my 2d art there, so that in theory I can still get some of that precious audience-created focus my adhd-addled brain needs so badly

Stop streaming art on twitch and try art-focused streaming site Picarto instead

Ahhhhhh it's all just... maddening. Idk.

[stormboundscholar]

A good start

October 18th, Day 2/100 of Productivity

Hi everyone, welcome back to my blog! I wanted to start this challenge off with a good amount of work, and I got some news at school that I want to share. That means we have a lot to talk about, so let's get started.

I had already talked about what happened at school yesterday, so I don't have much to talk about. I started studying with some philosophy, as I had to finish an assignment. That didn't take too long, only about 1 hour.

I continued with chemistry, and it took way more time. I was putting off a large amount of homework so I had a lot to do. Thankfully it was mostly easy material so the only thing I had to do was to put in the time. It took 7 hours, needless to say I went straight to bed after that. Very productive day though.

Today was also pretty nice. The class schedule was a little busier so I couldn't work as much as yesterday, but I studied a fair amount. I started with biology, some stuff about the digestive system. It only took one hour, and I moved to another assignment.

I continued with geography. It was mostly stuff about the climate, and I also revised my maps. That took around 3 hours.

After I got home I decided to do my physics homework. It was mostly Optics, mirrors and light. I must admit that I may have forgotten some stuff about the topic but after 2 hours of studying, I was done. That also meant that I had studied for 6 hours which was a little higher than my goal!

That's all I did on the studying front, let's chat a little.

Well, today we got the papers of a test that we had at school last Friday. Weirdly enough, they didn't give us the results yet(I heard that several schools entered the exam so that might be why) Still, after comparing my papers with my friends' I am pretty sure that I at least have 90 percent, maybe even more. I hope that I can get more concrete results tomorrow.

I don't usually include this in my posts but I have also been trying to practice some self care. I sadly turn into a gremlin if i neglect it for one second soooo... Yeah! I also need to include a bit of stress management there though, I have sadly been failing to manage a good work-life balance which has been throwing me off a little, and I've been worrying about stuff a lot more than usual lately. I hope that it will all be ok, I just need to set myself straight.

That's all for now. Good night everyone, and good luck!

[doinbetter]

have you been struggling with loneliness back in your hometown. i feel like i have no friends and i’m about to graduate and move back in the fall and all my highschool and childhood friends are still at school. my college friends are all over. i just worry i’m gonna be lonely and need to make friends in my hometown

a little bit honestly but it's not as bad as I thought it'd be? I genuinely have 0 friends in town other than my boyfriend (who definitely makes it easier, but he also works full time and I'm unemployed rn so weekdays are pretty empty. plus i'm not thrilled that my only local friend is my boyfriend lol). meeting new people is one of my main goals for building my life here at home, because I do plan to stay here long term.

I'm trying to view it positively though! I'm treating it like a little challenge for myself to put myself out there and try new things. For example I'm signing up for a climbing gym, which is a notoriously social place with lots of twenty somethings, so I hope to meet some people there (and worst case I just have a fun new activity to fill my time). I've never tried climbing before, but getting out of my comfort zone hasn't failed me yet!!

I also randomly ran into a guy I barely remember from 6th grade while I was at the dispensary with my boyfriend the other night, and now we have plans to go to a comedy club together on monday. He was giving off really friendly fun vibes but I hesitated getting his contact info bc it's been so long. Then I figured I had nothing to lose and it might end up being a good friendship, so I did it anyways!

My point is- I'm actively taking opportunities for socialization here, even if I think it might be weird in the moment.

I've also just been focusing personal growth via daily habits-- this helps a lot. Having a set list of things that I NEED to do every day occupies my time and leaves less room for feeling lonely and bored. Reading, running, playing the guitar, exploring the city (like trying new coffee shops, breweries, restaurants, parks)... all things to do :)

It doesn't feel too personal not really having a social life here right now, because I know my college friends are still here for me if I need them! I'm making sure to maintain those friendships. It sounds like you have plenty of friends in your life, even if they're not in your hometown. Hopefully you can remember that not having a super active social life when you get back isn't a reflection of the kind of person you are! I also hope that you can lean on the friends you've made over the years.

it's definitely harder to meet people now than ever, but being patient and knowing that it may take some effort to meet people I want to be friends with is making it bearable.

[photosynthefish-12]

I had a fun dream - it's weirdly freeing to act like I'm not a person.

I'm not entirely sure how/why I was on the train (that previous part of the dream is fairly blurry - something to do with superhero fights?), but I had definitely snuck aboard.

I hid from the officials for a time, strolling casually through the nearly empty train. But this train, and the land beneath it, were the property of a certain [company? nation?]. The same which owned the dormant biotech transformation within me. (Again, I'm not sure how it got there - just that I'd carried it so long I'd forgotten it existed.)

Something ancient unlocked, allowing the transformation to begin. (It's one I've dreamed a lot about, loosely inspired by warframe.) This time, it woke from within me needing nothing else. Metal spreading over skin, organs rearranging. Human teeth replaced by rows of tiny needle-sharp fructivore teeth. As always, this was highly contagious - a modified pathogen the agent of transformation.

I found the hazardous waste bin in one of the rear cars (empty of people, and I knew where to look) and climbed in. A small bag with a biohazard seal contained my shed blood, and my teeth I held in a hand. I waited, loosely curled up to take up less space, head softly between my knees as eyes of course turned to sensory band, and the train eventually reached its last stop. (This new, familiar shape wrapped slowly, softly around me like a fresh skin.)

Checking the train, officials opened the hazardous waste bin to find me: an antique biotech, half-made, clutching a handful of teeth. I'm sure no one expected this at the start of the journey. They didn't entirely know what to do with me - my design was old and inherently dangerous (both in the lack of new safety features, its purpose, and the unpredictability of tech whose records had eroded).

So I was added to the program for testing new mechs, collared as only those who had proven dangerous were. (I had not and would not do such things. I did not merit this watching and control.) (It looked a bit like those drawings of someone wearing an overlarge spiked crown, set between solid rings.) If they would not treat me like a person, I decided in the tired haze of transformation, I would not act like one. From here, I did not speak - only occasional noises and hisses as a cat might. My actions and my bearing carried any message. (This, too, is common to my dreams.)

I was the very model of well-behaved biotech, yet I was so closely watched that any hint of disobedience or malfunction was met with a shock from the collar. Like a soft reset, they sent me sprawling limply across the floor.

The others seemed more human (deliberate, by design), and no one doubted they kept their minds. (They may even have been volunteers. Still, something within the tech set them apart from ordinary people. And mine set me apart from them.)

At last, we came to the final test (this resembled, vaguely, the process of selecting immune cells). A set of rooms holding challenges, a bit like those kid-mazes that reach toward the ceiling (or challenge courses for adults). Each could only be used once, for a single candidate. They were all different, marked with little color-coded cards. I searched for one, but they were all already taken (complete and abandoned with a marker on the card, or someone already climbing through, or someone in line the last who could use a test in that room, and once someone dropped down from the depths of the rafters to tell me they had claimed it). I would fail by default.

I wandered through the halls and rooms searching, and found a little glass door that overlooked a cliff. I debated stepping through, and letting the drop take me. The collar activated as I had one foot near the door - out of bounds. I peeled myself off the floor and headed inward again.

There was nothing for me now, but to watch. Crossing a room, I was tangled in the loose rope of a challenge-in-progress. It coiled around my foot, rapidly going taut as the candidate crossed above. I hastily began uncoiling it from my ankle, but the force hauled me up across the floor. I reached through the dream just a tiny bit, limb going soft and slipping through the ropes. Now I had to release them at the appropriate velocity or the candidate would fall (and fail). I did, needing no thought, a small part of me reveling in the strength of my arms which my waking self cannot match.

And somehow in failing I passed - proving myself to be controlled. Polite to a fault, able to work with others. Were I anyone else, the collar would be removed.

But proving myself was not enough. I was assigned a special berth - secluded, sharing a room with an engineer (of a train).

[2dkapsddr]

August 30th, 2024 - Arcaea, IIDX 31, DDR World, PIU Phoenix

WAHOOOOOO!!!! MASSIVE DAY TODAY!!!!! I was gonna get my new Nike Frees today finally, I was gonna go test them out at Round 1 Bowling & Amusement, and most sudden yet amazing of all... A BOBA SHOP NEAR ME WAS HAVING A P3R COLLAB!!!! ASSFDSJFJSDKLFJSDJFLSKDJLKF I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS TO HAPPEN NEAR ME SINCE FOREVER!!! AND IT ACTUALLY JUST HAPPENED TODAY!!!!!!!!!!

so of course, i went there and posted a few pics :] but while i was there and drinking a collab drink, i got a few plays in of the new Rotaeno DLC -- featuring hit new awesome scores including Dual Doom Deathmatch (FTR-8+, MAX-20) and Waltz for Lorelei (FTR-8+, MAX-15) as FTR PMs #169 and #170 respectively!!! ohyeah, and also some really good attempts on Inverted World (FTR-9, so close to a sightread PM...) and Dual Doom Deathmatch (ETR-10, could maybe be a PM soon enough?)

like i said, however!!! i was gonna go to Round 1 to test out my new Nike Frees as soon as they arrived, and arrive they did!!! they felt like MONSTERS oh my god i have no idea how they got them to be so lightweight... but it's beautiful and i wasn't gonna let a Day 1 opportunity like this go to waste!!! so, full of Nastea and a dream, i carried my way over to the Round 1 to get some games in... but first!! a word from our warmup sponsor, IIDX!!! where i recently decreased my green number from 325 to 300 to 305 to potentially acc better...

and by god, would you look at that upscore on Show [SPA-9] despite being on random!!! i got that original AA with nonran!!! and now i can surpass it just because of a simple speed change!!! oh right, and a few other score shoutouts: Be OK and EURO-ROMANCE (both SPA-10) E-Clears, Cinderella [SPA-10] so close to hard clearing... maybe next time... but in the meantime, AO-1 [SPH-10] AS 10 HC #2 OF MINE!!!! BEAUTIFUL SONG BEAUTIFUL CHART BEAUTIFUL SCORE!!! also a long-awaited E-Clear on Megalara Garuda [SPH-10] as formerly attempted by little ol' me!!! (nadeshiko SPA-10 still a dogshit chart)

...and now, for the moment you've all been waiting for!!! after all the hand games and warmers i had before even thinking about coming here, you've got some real nerve... but it's okay beca- wait wait wait no way . nooo way . what in the god damn... on my first score pic of the day and essentially second set, first try of the song... i got FIRESTORM [ESP-16, 42p] AS 16 PFC #2!!!! JOINING FORCES WITH OUT OF FOCUS CSP-16!!!! WOOHOOOOO WE'RE LEGIT GAMING HERE!!!!!

additionally including some of my other scores, of course (sorry i just had to boost myself on my own post), i also got some banger new Flare EX scores, including but not limited to...

Golden Arrow [ESP-16] 995k, 46-4-0-1!!!

C-C-C-N-N-N [CSP-17] 988k Sightread!!!! Area record baybee!!!! (for like only an hour lol)

Ishtar [CSP-16] Flare EX baybee :] 995k again wahoo

Double Tornard [EDP-15]... it's actually not that bad!! rly fun chart even if i can't really keep up with it speed-wise :[

...then, for just a little bit, i switched over to pump to complete some challenge song recommendations from people on twitter dot com and potentially get some other songs in. but honestly? i don't know if it was the bright ass lights from the smx cab, the normal mode failing you out on 2nd and 3rd stage, or just my general exhaustion, but i was Pissed at the game and kinda sick of it, wanting to give up despite not having played any of the challenge songs yet...

it was seemingly no more than a passing thought, however, as i ended up getting a sick new AAA clear on DO or DIE S20 right after ranting!!! and then i got to play the rest of the recommendations in the same set!!!!

switching back over to DDR, i heard about this tournament that was closing its submissions that weekend...! with no other real goals in mind (besides potentially some more Flare Skill from 16s and whatnot), i agreed to give it a go and grind out the qualifier charts for the challenge: those being Tribe, Hyper Bomb, and Elemental Creation!

Tribe was a bit tricky yet doable, seeing as I got a 56p PFC in three attempts, and then Hyper Bomb was a bit of its own struggle MA wise (though i got a 2g FC anyways!)... but perhaps the most surprising result for me was my Elemental Creation!! Nearly an AAA on the ESP-17 at first since i was too scared to try the Challenge, but then a sightread 980k when i DID try the challenge chart...! Incredible!!! What's more, I gave Tribe a few more tries on this other slightly more consistent cab given I wasn't really satisfied with the perfects on my PFC... and after a few attempts on That, I managed to sneak away and end off the session/qualifiers with a 35P PFC BAYBEE!!!!!! YOOOOOOOOOOO

[coleas97]

Friday, the 5th of July

Despite all challenges, I am amazed at the amount of change I can produce in short time. I am incredibly self-destructive at times but ultimately I push through and that has saved me. Therapy has been a lovely experience for me. I learn so many things and it has overall made me a calmer person. The drugs are down, the alcohol is down, the need to be vengeful is no longer there. It's me and my son now. Truly all I need. I am meant to speak of aspirations in July. I only have one, just that my son survives this horrible place and dodges all the -pain that may come along from being the son of a guy like me. His mental, physical, emotional safety is all I pray for. Speaking of, I was granted a 6 month long non-molestation order. My situation could have granted me a year-long order but I admittedly watered everything down quite a bit. 6 months without her is torture enough, I cannot imagine what a year would do to me. She is currently unable to contact me or see me. I think about her often. What she's doing, mostly. I feel a tremendous amount of guilt as if I've failed as a partner by not sticking it out and being with her. I've heard she plans on fighting the court order. There is a part of me that wants her to. Man, I worry the 6 months will come and she'll be over it. No text, no nothing. Moved on from me. I sit for hours thinking of her face. I mean it. Hours. My family says I am a victim of domestic abuse and that it will take a while for my brain to separate the infatuation from the reality. I agree that I encountered such abuse but it's the victim title that makes me want to vomit. Maybe it will take time. But I know what I am like. I've never felt so strongly about someone in my entire life and that scares me. It's as if I grew more and more attached to her the more she pulled away. That scares me as well.

Anyway, aspirations. So many random little things that I am passionate about. I have become a simple person these days, maybe after the pandemic. I aspire to be less self-deprecating. Putting myself down has always been me but I am realizing how shitty it is to be around and how unhealthy the example I'm setting is. My ex used to pinch at her waist and call herself the most horrid of names and then move on with her day like it was normal. I've witnessed her mother do the same. Insecurities and self-hatred can be taught, I've learned.

I used to aspire for much more. Now all I really care for is my son, healing, and creating positive memories. I believe I deserve that for myself. Love is very important to me. It may be horrible to say, but I want to be able to prove to myself that I am capable of giving and receiving love. Aside from the many things that come along with being in a loving monogamous relationship, I would like a success story. Perhaps that is the wrong mindset to have. The vulnerability that comes with relationships is good for me. Sid introduced me to this girl who is a friend of his cousins and is visiting for a few months from America. We've been on four dates now. I feel that I'm moving on too fast and it fucking sucks for her. She's constantly telling me it's okay, that she is alright with me being in the midst of complicated situation, that we can take it slow. However we are doing quite the opposite of "slow," speaking every day, getting grilled by her brother, and on our last date she stayed overnight.. which meant meeting Axel and leaving my cabinet full of her toiletries. I do not want a relationship at this time. It simply would not be fair. I'm not quite sure what I'm doing. But I am honest about that and she knows where my head is at. I just know I'll fuck this up somehow. Or she'll get bored of me. Either way.

I've not a lot to say on aspirations quite honestly. For a long time I had none, then had too many, and now they are just basic things. I think of all the good people I've had the pleasure of knowing in my life and I aspire to be like them. Or, at the very least, have their kindness rub off on me in some way. Less cynical, more proactive, less self-sabotage, more openness. I am learning these things.