#eyeofi

[eyeofi]

"What you want also wants you. But it can't find you if you're hiding in the shadows, giving away your power, wearing a disguise to conceal your true self. It can't find you if you're pretending to be something you're not. Abundance can't find you if you're hiding behind scarcity. Love can't find you if you're hiding behind self-loathing. Peace can't find you if you're hiding behind worry. You're dreams can't find you if you're dimming your own light. It's time for you to step out of the shadows. To release everything that doesn't belong to you: lack, worry, unworthiness, stress, fear, self-criticism, that feeling of never being enough. You are more than worthy. More than enough. More than you've every allowed yourself to believe. So step forward. Shine your light. Allow everything you've been seeking to find you."

-Zanna Keithley (@moonomens)

[thinkibetterfollowyouaround]

James Brandon Lewis Trio live at the Casbah. 2/22/23 @jamesbrandonlewis #jamesbrandonlewis #jamesbrandonlewistrio #eyeofi @antirecords #anti #antirecords #concert #concertphotography @casbahsandiego #casbahsd #casbahsandiego #casbahpresents #itibfya #ithinkibetterfollowyouaround (at Casbah San Diego) https://www.instagram.com/p/CpwiNYQOVcb/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[ninehexthrice]

And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.”  #macro #d3400 #nikon #dslr #dslrphotography #eye #eyeam #eyeofi #igers #igersomaha #dvcaptures #therealdarkwing #spiraloflife #macrophotography (at Omaha, Nebraska)

[eyeofi]

one hour (part 4)

your time is so precious. where is the benefit to wasting it? whether it is something that plagues your mind conastantly or not, the clock stops for no one. it stops for nothing. it doesnt only tick when you’re eyes are focused on it, so why don’t you understand the severity of wasting it? why do you think a quarter of your day being spent completeing non-life altering tasks isn’t an issue? what part of your day do you not pay attention to? every day you got Jah work on my mind. what parts of your day could be replaced where you could instead focus it on your work? you don’t have to feel guilty or be upset with yourself for letting corruption consume the hours you are meant to be working. the past is the past. what has been done cannot be undone. you have work to do. why are you hesitant on completing it? on even starting it? on even finishing it? with great power comes great responsibilty, you cannot be scared to take the necessary steps to do your work. the work you were put on this earth to complete in the first place. you were not put on this earth to party with friends, nor bake cookies from scratch in the middle of the night. you were not put on this earth to paint the mona lisa, or star in a movie. those are the luxuries of life. those are things you could accomplish DUE to having been given this life, but those are not your life’s purpose. you are blessed to already know what it is. others struggle and fall simply beacuse they spend their time trying to find the purpose of their life. the meaning and purpose of life are completely different things. do not set one in the others corner. your time is more precious than you realize, and you are not promised an entire life time to actually do the work you were put on this earth to do. you were not promised an able body that could perfectly execute said job for an entire lifetime. you were not promised the all of the equipment necessary to complete said job. you cannot take the state you are in for granted and use the time you have already been given on filler. you have the time, and the knowledge, use it.

you have the knowledge. what would you do if you didnt have the knowledge? what would you do if you didn’t know your purpose? you would dream of it for all of your days. you would dream of having the power you already possess. you would dream of the stage. you would dream of the responsibility that you already have. and it would completely destroy you, the possibility of it never realizing. but you have everything you need. you know what you know. you are who you are. you are whose you are. what stands in your way? your legs hurt. you won’t want to move on. you don’t know how, and you aren’t sure of what next steps to take to move on. a healing is needed. bring forth healing, to heal and accept that this part of your life is over the part you cling to with a firm grasp. heal from your past. elt it rolls off of you. it is no longer what maks up your internal ring. it is not what makes up any of your rings. your trauma does not protect you, it will no longer hold its purpose as something that tethers you to this life. what doee it mean to heal from all you know? what does it mean to let go of everythig you know. of all you are? and why would you expect there to be nothing left to build from? if your foundation fell in, would you cry in the rubble or would you turn your back and start anew? what makes you think it would be difficult to begin again? how many times in the past have you fallen and kept on? this time, however has to be different. to heal, you need to accept, and let it roll off of you. fix your face immediately. don’t hold it. don’t let it hold nor consume you. there is nothing left on this side of life that you want more than whatever if on the side of life that God has for you. the land flowing with milk and honey is within reach, you just think it’s not within reach in thsi lifetime. you are ready when you believe you are but there is more to it than simply just believing it. you must pray. you must fast. and you must meditate. let it roll off of you. don’t be hesitant in when moving. and don’t feel guilty if you notice you are moving faster than everyone else. do not let your empathy slow you down. do not let the uneasiness of coming in first place stop you. although you are not used to the feeling, if it is to be, it shall be. do not slow down because others become upset with you for going at your own speed which might be differnt from theirs. do not let the past dictate your future. your rings protect you from everything that tries to penetrate their barrier. and have faith.

[eyeofi]

one hour (part 3)

don’t force it. what is your obsession with being desired? why does the idea of someone wanting you make you feel complete? would you deem yourself worthy of your own love if someone were to look at you? if someone were to desire you? is it validation? are you looking for a sense of permission to care about and take care of yourself? it is not vain to take care of yourself. you deserve to give yourself what you would offer others. can you, for one moment, imagine what life would be like if you ended up being the love of your life? would you sit and wait to take care of yourself until someone came along only to leave you with yourself again? or in the spare months in which lovers come and go, would you take that time to truly pour into yourself in the ways you would expect a romantic interest to do? there is no love in the world better than the love you experience within your bones. you will crumble at the touch of a man. the only way you could ever put yourself back together is if you learn to love the feeling of your own touch. this is the most difficult think piece i’ve written in a while. all i….hands. what is it with hands? what do they do? why do they catch my attention more than anything else? is it because i want to be held? cradled? supported. to hold something is to support it, it’s entire being safe in your grasp. the only negative is you decide when it is no longer safe. the only negative is they decide when their hold on you is no longer safe and they have the choice of whether or not to tell you. i want to be supported. i want to feel support. i want to be seen without the fear of being judged. i want to be touched without the feeling of disgust clouding my brain because there is an insane amount of trust between us. i want to share a space with someone and not feel like i take up too much of it. i want to compromise. i want to forgive and forgive again and again and again and i don’t want the pain of letting someone go. i want to be held and have someone not want to let go. what is this feeling? i want to not feel ashamed of my bedhead on day 5. i want to talk. i want to talk. i want to talk and talk and talk and dammit i want to listen too. i want to listen. i want to listen and listen and listen and learn from listening. and i want so much more than that. why cant you find that person within yourself? why do you assume that person is out there? why wouldn’t your first belief be that the person you are looking for could come from you? what if your being creates this person? what if you don’t immediately shift your position on the couch to seem smaller and take up the entire couch when you’re the only one sitting there? what if you made as many servings of your favorite food as you wish, and stored them so you could enjoy them in the future? what if you didn’t mind your bedhead on day 6? not 5, but 6. what if you take up the entire fucking bed and let your limbs relax and stretch as far as they would like to? what if you loved yourself first? would that be so bad?

here is the answer. no, it wouldn’t be. you just wish you didn’t have to do it. write down all the behavior you exhibit that you wished a lover would and find comfort in simply being the lover. be your own lover. don’t feel ashamed. don’t judge yourself. don’t look at yourself from another point of view, just be, and love yourself in the act of being. you’re sitting with your legs wide open? okay! great! someone would say that sitting with your legs open isnt ladylike, but it’s about how you care for yourself. it’s about how you hold yourself, how you cradle yourself, how you support yourself. when you are comfortable being you, you should start to realize that being in your own company is good enough. and most likely better. i still don’t know why hands catch your eye. thank god it’s not muscles. there is something that you lack that you will soon find out no one else possesses or can possess. it’s self-acceptance. it’s self-acceptance. it’s accepting yourself in all of your voluptuous beauty. you take up space, you will always take up space. even when God is no longer breathing life into your body, it will take up space. how long will it take you to get over it? how long will you let the denial of this all-knowing fact dictate your entire existence? it is nothing you can control. you will take up space for as long as you are you. you will look for self-acceptance in every man you meet and never find it. you will look for self-acceptance in every man you meet and only find it in yourself. why not linger in bed for an extra hour instead of getting up to do the dishes? why not plan and take yourself on a date once in a while? why not grow out your pubic hair? no one will accept that you’re a grown woman until you do. where is the harm in it? why not listen to the music you like loudly instead of lowering the volume in the world-ending case that someone hears it and hates it. have you ever taken the opportunity to explore your own body? not in the sexual sense, but rather figuring out where all your beauty spots are. count all of your scars. find all of the sensitive points on your body. learn yourself in the ways you wished someone else would. that’s the answer. there it is right there. learn yourself in the ways you would wish someone else would. love yourself in the ways you would wish someone else would. maybe then, you’ll feel complete. you’ll feel that sense of support. you’ll get that sense of security. you’ll feel safe in your being. there is nothing in this world that should mean more to you than you. self-acceptance. here is your answer. it’s okay. hey, it’s okay. that’s your answer.

[eyeofi]

one hour (part 2)

you’re struggling to make the change because the old behavior still meets a need. instead of shaming yourself, identify the deeper need and allow it to exist. then get curious about a new way to meet it. what are you running from? what aspects are you trying to control? what area of your life do you feel inferior? is it necessary to rise above the foundation that lays at the base of the area or does your ego play the main counterpart in your actions? do you take pleasure in knowing your ego is the driver, and does it make the ride more pleasant? is it because you get to control the music? it is because you get to control the music. that was the answer. you get to control something. SOMETHING. in the part of your life where you feel out of control, you let your ego run the show and you get to choose the soundtrack. you aid in aesthetics. you have no tether to reality. you don’t run shit. regret comes in idle droves because you didn’t control the outcome of the situation, your ego did. there was no reason as to why you couldn’t drive that girl to the store last night. your ego had run of the situation and it decided that your misery would have company, by God. so what is the need? what do you need? you want control, but what do you need? is there something below the surface or is it in plain sight? it’s not the ability to make decisions, you hate making decisions. you want authority. you want something to boss around, to make feel beneath you. what an ego. will that satisfy you? will that make you content with where you are in life? to know that there is someone in the world whose entire existence isnt burdened by being told what to do in their every waking moment? would that make you a god? would that make you god? is that what you want? you are not bound to prophecies and scriptures, you choose this path. every day you choose this path. if you stumble across an obstacle or come across a fork in the road and get upset, that is your ego. why do you let it control you? why does it seem comfortable with its hand on the wheel? when did it suggest taking over? what steps would you have to take to gain control of the vehicle once again? are you even willing to take those steps? to feel powerless and disordered to gain back what you lost? are you willing to lead an unmanageable present for the betterment of your future? can you let go?

imagine. you’re in the vehicle. you don’t like where you’re headed. you’re not certain of the destination. you’re been asleep for quite some time. there is no food, no water. no rest stops or gas stations to stop for snacks. you havent seen a soul for miles. you are not driving. you are sitting passenger. your ego is sitting driver seat. rose colored glasses cloud your vision. you take them off. you finally see the state of the vehicle. trash is every where. there are holes in the ceiling. cracks in the windshield. rips in the leather of the seats. there are no mirrors attached to any part of the vehicle. the windows do not let down. the air conditioning does not turn on. the seatbelts were cut. one tire is popped. the car shakes, as does the steering wheel. the vehicle is swerving from lane to lane. your ego hands you your rose colored glasses, and tells you that everythings okay. “we’ll be there soon” it says. the sun has gone down, the headlights don’t work. it’s pitch black, you cant see a thing. you have no idea where you are going. neither does your ego. why are you letting it drive? too much responsibility. regardless of whether or not you know where you’re going, you’re headed in that direction nonetheless. there is nothing that can stop this vehicle. you will make it there when the time is right. look around you. look at the state of your vehicle. look at the state of your reality. what makes you think you’re ego is to blame for the mess that surrounds you? another tire blows. you don’t want to hold accountability for your actions, you want someone else to blame. you think that if none of it is your fault, that it doesnt affect you however you are still in the vehicle. it is in your name. you hold the title. you got it registered. if anything were to happen to yo- the vehicle, you would be held accountable. there is no one else to blame for the misery you have put yourself in. why is your ego still in the front seat? you still have time to take control. you don’t want control. it scares you. you don’t want responsibility. you want authority with no commitment, no accountability, you WANT to sit passenger. mmhmm, and what has sitting shotgun ever gotten you? well, for starters, it has gotten you holes in your roof, cracks in your windshield, 2 blown tires, no means of reflection, no sustenance, no absolutes, no security, no vision, no one to talk to and STILL after all these years of trying to make your space feel entirely yours, you’re still uncomfortable. but hey, at least you got some good music right? if you don’t want to drive, let God do it but you better take those fucking shades off.

[eyeofi]

one hour (part 1)

why are you trying to get back to her? what did she have that you now so seemingly do not possess? is it the openness? is it the absence of self-deprecation? is it the hope for the future? is it the doubt laced between your fingertips that makes it hard to grasp the things you want with a firm hand? who is this girl you keep trying to run back to? did she light up a room? did she know anything about anything? did she even know who she was? there is nothing about her that stands out in the ways you do. she was a child, an innocent, pure-hearted child. what does she have that you lack? her quick-wittedness? her ability to adapt without feeling the smallest bit of anger. that is a statement. that is an answer. why does anger find you? why does it shelter itself in your bones like it belongs there? the better question is, why do you let it stay and get comfortable? is the feeling an armor? is anger an armor? what are you shielding yourself from? feeling anything else but. did she ever get angry? did she ever yell and scream and make a fuss about anything? you don’t even remember, do you? all you remember is the feeling of the sun shining through the trees and warming your skin. would you like to feel that again? there is nothing on the other side of anger. there is everything on the other side of anger. why do you fear feeling? why do you fear feeling? finish something. why do you fear feeling? why do you only allow yourself to feel negative emotions? there’s so much shame surrounding your entire being. it hinders you from being. what are you ashamed of? being. that was a statement. that was an answer. who made you feel ashamed of being? is that something you want to hold onto moving forward? is that something you want to allow to find shelter in your bones? then let it go. there is no point trying to get back to the girl you once were; she doesn’t exist anymore. you’re wasting time trying to be someone you can never be again. what are you looking for? are you looking for acceptance? are you looking to be desired? is there any part of you that has become the way you are to spite the people who have wronged you? have you benefitted from this in any way? it is not something that can be fixed overnight. it is not something that can be overruled during a late evening shower. just as it wasnt developed in one night, it cannot be undone in one night. there are levels to this. this is not a project, this is your life. do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling ashamed that you’re alive? that you take up space? do you know the grace that lies in your path? do you know how good it feels to live without feeling ashamed or angry or unsatisfied? would you like to find out?

there is self doubt. why? because there are people who can do what i do better than me. there will always be people who do what you do better than you. that does not make you any less talented than them. they are not you, you are not them. they do not have the same heart as you, talent isnt everything. high notes arent everything. why do you let it stop you? they will get more attention. if what you seek out of your career is attention, then it will not prosper. why do you want attention? because i never had it. what makes you think that’s a bad thing? i want someone to care. people care about you. what made you think they didnt. let me ask you this. if someone were to look at you right now and see you in all of your misshapen glory, what would they say? okay, let me ask you this. if someone were to look at you right now and see you in your truest form, what would you think they thought about you? so is it you or them that is the one making you feel ashamed? it’s okay to cry. it’s okay. i just want to matter. you matter. who told you that you didnt? there is nothing wrong with you. do you know what i see? i see a strong, confident, beautiful, powerful, talented young lady who has sentenced herself to the void of unworthiness. you are worthy of love, but it has to come from you first. there can’t be an ounce of non-belief, you have to hold that belief in your heart. you don’t have to prove anything to anyone. you don’t have to prove to people that you are worthy of their love, of their attention, nor their time. it is not something you can demand from anyone. do not burden yourself with the task of proving your self-worth to people who do not care for you. you cannot force anybody to care for you. yes, feel that disappointment, then let it go. don’t let it sit and fester; don’t become one with it as you have done with anger. not all attention is good, not all who cross your path are meant to accompany you on yours. learn to accept that. there is beautiful life waiting for you on the other side of this mountain you’ve created. you have a personal vendetta against yourself. why? what does it get you? how can you expect someone to care for you if you don’t care for you. sunday night bath rituals are not self care. that is surface level. not listening to the self-deprecating ideologies you follow is self care. to be brave it to first feel afraid. to be loved is to be known. the sun shines on the other side of this mountain. the rays shine through the trees here, and it warms your skin just right. you would love the feeling.

[eyeofi]

entries from my 20's

i was thinking of making column with the entries from a journal i've had for 2yrs now.

they're very personal, but i feel i am slowly turning into a different person, so to hold on to them in a child-like manner would be like holding onto the person i was when i wrote them.

the writer in me has had this idea for quite some time, i've just been going through changes and haven't had the time to let the idea realize.

maybe i could start making video diaries with the same concept.

i'll think on it some more.

[eyeofi]

I am weary at the realization that I am doomed to experience the inevitable. I will grow. I will change. I will forget songs and people and it will ruin me. Am I to grieve who I once was forever?

I will never be 17 again.

[eyeofi]

i think about myself way too much.

i think the only reason as to why i haven't done anything in my life is because there is so much to do and i can't do it all. and i don't know of all i want to do, so instead of doing anything, i sit with the feelings of stagnancy that consumes me when i realize i can't do everything.

for example, if anyone were to ask my what i want to do, not specifically WITH my life, just IN my life, i wouldn't even be able to give a sure answer.

"i want to change the world."

okay, HOW? how do i want to change the world? do i want to contribute by becoming an activist and speaking on worldly issues? do i want to be a fashion designer and completely alter how people view fashion? do i want to be a performer? one who sells out arenas and makes music so striking that my name is remembered for all of time? or do i want to be a mother? one who doesn't deny their children growth and has a garden and teaches their children integrity which allows them to spread kindness in a world so baren of it? i don't want kids.

do i want to try my hand at culinary school. i am an excellent cook but does that mean i should seek the title of chef? would that make me happy?

im a writer. ive written many book in my youth. none of them have seen the light of day. is it because i think them too boring? i need to broaden my vocabulary.

i want to see egypt. italy. i want to move to brazil for a couple of months. but in doing so there are things that i have to leave behind like my mother, and my dog, and my entire sense of comfortability.

i want to learn how to rollerblade. i can only crochet a straight chain. i hate the food i cook. no one treats me my age. i need a routine or something idly close. i fear i am doomed to fall in love with people whom will never love me in the same way. every night i tell myself that it'll be all over in the morning, but the next day breeds the same problems.

i i i. girl, go take a shower.

[eyeofi]

one thing at a time. one step at a time. that's how you'll make it.

[eyeofi]

uncomfortable

i always wondered why i felt so uncomfortable at all times. no matter where i went, i was always uncomfortable. my room, though a safe space, would be rearranged every month. my position in my seat would change every minute. legs crossed one moment. leaning forward the next. i could never seem to find a sense of comfort in any aspect of life.

but i do not wish to carry this burden any longer.

i want to belong to something and be so certain of it, it pains others. i want my mind to be unchanging and vigorously so. i want to be so sure and deeply content with everything i am and everything i do.

to know myself- to be myself is significant. to be comfortable being myself is even more so.

[eyeofi]

being an indecisive girl is gonna be the death of me.

[eyeofi]

evolve or repeat

lately, ive been noticing patterns. both negative and positive. those moments of realization render me hopeless and feelings of regret plague me entirely and i am left with a question. evolve or repeat? there is hardship in both. there is suffering in whichever path you take. how does one prepare for that?

my past isnt something im proud of but how is one to feel when it goes on to become their present? can you blame me for fearing the future?

life for me is currently at a standstill. i have chosen to view it as a transition period. one in which i am neither here nor there, i am tethered to nothing. i am boundless. in my eyes, that is a blessing for i dont have to go backwards to go forward. i just have to decide which way im going to go.

in question to myself, how much longer are you going to be this person? answer with action. evolve or repeat.

[eyeofi]

subside

there is no sense in preserving past emotions.

i'm becoming more aware of just how much i let my past affect my present. i let the negative feelings of yesterday sit and fester and dictate my today. i've already ruined a perfectly good day. it's self deprication reimagined. there's a sense of helplessness in it, like i have no control over anything. the day's are long and everchanging, as are my emotions. the concept of letting go is foreign to me. it's a notion designed for growth.

nothing is binding me to the past. why should i want to stay there? the negative will subside.

[eyeofi]

the beginning of the end

I used to write like my life depended on it. I used to dance like everyone was watching and I had something to prove. I used to read until the sun came up. Used to laugh loudly and unapologetically and sing like I was being paid to do it. I used to do puzzles and play cards with my family. I don't know why I stopped. I've let my suffering define my character for so long that i've forgotten myself.

I'm so tired of writing about my pain. It has become insignificant.

I want to live. I want to feel alive again.