#exmo posting

[boxonthenile]

The Trinyvale Trine are so fucking compelling to me but i think the overlap of naddpod fans and ex mormons is just me so i don't know how much anyone wants to hear my TED talk.

[stormsbourne]

one day I'll make a detailed post about the way the mormon church tells people to think about disabled (specifically mentally disabled) people and how disgusting it is but suffice to say I'm always a little stunned that it's never brought up in lists of things that make mormonism gross

[boxonthenile]

I love getting @'d for exmo stuff and i love learning about the shit i was too stupid to pay attention to as a kid.

[exmo-diaries]

i wanna clear something up to nevermos real quick: most mormons don’t look at the full picture of their religion. most mormons are not being openly racist or zionistic or homophobic. most mormons don’t practice what they preach. most mormons do their daily readings and prayers and think about their church the way they’re supposed to, but most mormons don’t fully comprehend it. most mormons are cult victims who genuinely want to to what’s best in the way they believe is right. while racism, zionism, homophobia etc. are unavoidable in the scriptures, this doesn’t mean they understand what is being taught. those who do understand it often don’t support those specific parts of the scripture and speak out against them. many outsiders seem to forget mormons are their own individual people.

hate the church, not the person

[stormsbourne]

if you are replying to this post with any variation on "but what did they expect" I will give you an answer: the same thing any victim of a cult expects. they are told and thereby expect that if they try harder, if they work harder, if they're a bit more devoted and loyal, if they ask fewer questions, it will get better. their husband will stop abusing them once they have a baby. if they pray more the work will get easier and they will stop having doubts because god will guide them. they do not have realistic expectations of what will happen because they have not been given correct information. like any abuse victims they are told (and thereby come to believe) that what's happening to them is a personal failing and they are the only ones who can solve it.

"what did they expect tho" they expected a lie that was told to them as truth to actually be truth! I'm sure you've never been in that situation and can't possibly extend empathy. after all, you're so smart, no one could ever lie to you in a way that felt real and then gaslight you into believing it even further.

it costs nothing to understand that these women have been misled and lied to and abused even if they are absolute shitheads.

I met a girl when I was fresh out of high school in undergrad who frankly, annoyed me quite a bit, but I also had an inkling to continue to be compassionate to her given a few things about her life/background/family

I ran into her two years ago. Last week, her daughter turned 1. This girl, let’s called her “P”, is a really good example of why I never feel comfortable mocking trad wives

Her perfect trad husband, who was a shining young figure in the local religious community, volunteered in all sorts of groups, well loved in his workplace and everything else, beat her up at 1 month post-partum. I reached out to her after seeing her desperately asking for a stroller on a page, confused and slightly concerned knowing both of them came from wealthy backgrounds.

The reality for lots of tradwives living “perfect lives” is this: P was immediately ostracised. All the wealth of her husband and her family meant absolutely nothing if she wasn’t in favour and doing what she was told. Her child and her well-being didn’t matter. P, at 25 years old, was basically deemed an oopsie, and left on her own to figure out how to pay for herself, a baby, find housing, and every other task you can think of.

Having known many of these women (and supported many of these women), another factor most people don’t consider is this: they are intentionally raised to be helpless. When I immediately offered my support to P, she really needed it. This young woman needed to be guided through how to apply for government assistance, how to weigh up rentals and apply for them, how to apply for jobs, how to sign up for childcare. How to sign up for your own power and internet, and how to connect them.

It wasn’t that she was “stupid”, or incapable, or spoiled. While it looks like they’re being sheltered, in reality, these women are practically being held hostage. Sure, they might be allowed to learn things that are expected of them (see: basic cooking, baking, cleaning, child rearing, women’s bible studies, hosting, and so forth) but they are heavily controlled from family life into marriage life, and they are never given the opportunity or the reality of what many of us would consider basic adult tasks.

She’s doing okay now. Her daughter turned 1, is happy and healthy. They live frugally, but they have a roof over their heads and the essentials. I often babysit for her so she can attend counselling, or go to a woman’s support group. She is painfully aware that she has so much to learn about how to live as an adult.

I don’t envy tradwives, but I don’t find any joy in mocking them either. Even when they live the most picturesque lives, they’re also practically living a real life Jenga game. If (and often, when) it comes tumbling down, they’re screwed too, and they often have 0 skills to help themselves or find community (that again, isn’t carefully curated).

[boxonthenile]

There's an interesting space you live in as an asexual escapee of a purity obsessed cult. Yes sex is good and fun and healthy and natural. We should talk about it and enjoy it and not find shame in pleasure. No i don't want to do it myself.

[stormsbourne]

came across this shit by accident and the post is like "people on tumblr don't know what a cult is." friend I think perhaps you are the person on tumblr you're talking about

[stormsbourne]

again I must stress that ten or more years ago mormon leaders put out a statement that reading romance novels was equivalent to porn addiction and both would send you to hell

you guys are not progressive you're just mormons in disguise

Are we calling women who read shitty harlequin romance novels porn addicts now?

If you read one paragraph of vintage victorian smut you'd hurl.

[atjsgf]

nevermos are like "why do so many mormons end up writing scifi and fantasy, it's such a weird correlation" meanwhile mormons grow up learning this:

[pixelgayte]

so much of Mormonism is just being signed up for things without your permission. Things that require your time, energy, money, effort are just expected of you, and god forbid you don’t live up to that expectation. I’m constantly shamed into callings, activities, ministering, seminary, etc. Hell, even my goddamn baptism wasn’t something I consented to- I was eight and barely knew anything about religion, let alone given a choice on whether to be baptized or not. I’ll never forget my mom screaming at me while I sobbed hysterically because I turned down to be part of the young women’s presidency. I’m so sick of being signed up for shit without my consent.

[exmotraumatime]

the reason why mormon software all sucks despite being a multi billion dollar corporation that has entire systems for it is bc they’re such bigots and afraid of anyone that is different that there are no trans women or furries working there

[stormsbourne]

unsurprised to learn so many tradwife influencers are Mormon but man as an exmo it hits on a whole different level to see this woman completely destroy her sense of self to fit the mold her jackass husband (who pulled strings at daddy's plane company to get a "date" on a fucking 5 hr flight) thinks she should fill

ohhhh that ballerina farm article ☹️

[negativepeanuthoarder]

I always thought I just had Really Good Self Control as a teenager when the church talked about not having sex before marriage. I thought I was just really good at that one rule.

I'm not better at that one rule because I was The Perfect Mormon. I don't experience sexual attraction and had no idea it was a physical Drive or a Desire or Urge up until I started talking to people who DO experience it.

It's like someone just gave me a pair of glasses and I can suddenly Understand a lot of WHY people do what they do. Because for ppl who experience sexual attraction this is a physiological Desire and not a 'well one day I might do that because everyone says it's pretty great' feeling.

I had no fucking clue. Holy Fucking Shit I feel like I can suddenly SEE why people are like this. No wonder people broke that rule!!!

[poetic-mac-n-cheese]

I am always thinking about how Cam didn’t say goodbye to her dads before becoming Paul. It’s always made me a little sad because it’s her last chance! She’s gone through and done so much to save them and then she doesn’t even see them before she dies/changes forever!! Why?? I know she said they wouldn’t understand but why not hug them one last time, give them the chance to grieve?

And then I think about “lucky them” and “I’m so relieved” and how Camilla really doesn’t seem to see this as a tragedy at all. She sees it as a necessary and wonderful transformation. She’s becoming more, not less. She’s changing, yes, but she’s changing into what she believes is more true to her identity than who she was before.

And then I think about the last few years of my life. I’ve gone through a massive faith crisis and transformation in the last 3 years. I’ve left behind the religion and by extension the culture that I loved and was raised in and changed so completely that I am for all intents and purposes a new person. I went from being a full time missionary to an apostate in less than half a decade. It breaks my parents heart. They definitely miss the old me. They almost definitely wish they could say goodbye, talk to the old me one last time. But they also could never really do that because by the time it would be the last time I would already have changed so completely that it wouldn’t really be the old me at all. (Something something change is the nature of existence something something we can’t go home again)

And I don’t think it’s a tragedy. I’ve grieved who I thought I would be, yes, but I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back. And I don’t want my parents to view me as a before and after, I want them to see me as a whole person, a person who is me no matter how much I change. If I was given the chance to say goodbye before I started changing, would I do it? Would it even mean anything? And yes my faith transformation has been a much less immediate and dramatic before and after than bursting into flames and merging completely with my bestie/soulmate, but I think the point still stands. I’m still here in the ways that matter to me so why would I say goodbye?

[midnight-in-eden]

It’s the two-year anniversary of my official resignation from the Mormon Church! I thought I’d do a little post reviewing the journey.

In 2020, I moved out of my parents’ house to stay with friends who were nonreligious. At the time, I had no idea this would give me a little breathing room from the church to explore myself, especially combined with the pandemic. In fact, at the time, having to attend church via zoom and not having access to the sacrament (because I was assigned female at birth) was painful to me.

But it did give me breathing room. And in 2021, I felt able, for the first time, to come out as gay.

My nonreligious friends’ reaction was loving and accepting.

My parents’ and LDS friends’ reaction was about what you’d expect. Earthly trials, temptations, the “gay lifestyle”, Family Proclamation, law of chastity, etc.

But I loved the church. I clung to it.

Until August 2021, when Jeffrey Holland gave his infamous “musket fire” talk right after a lesbian newly couple was brutally shot and murdered in Utah.

One of the friends I was living with, a kind older woman, listened to me sobbing on her counter about it. She cut through my attempted explanations of how Elder Holland is normally so loving, how he gives talks about mental health, how he cares about people—

She cut through that, looked me in the eye, and said, “That’s hate speech. What he said in that talk is hate speech.”

I realized that I wouldn’t accept that kind of speech from anyone else.

I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up a complete nonbeliever: in Mormonism, in prophets, in priesthood, in Jesus, in God. What a traumatizing earthquake of an experience that was. But it had happened, and I could not undo it.

It took a long time to process everything. I remember crying with shame and nervousness the first time I tried to wear a tank top; I remember feeling so incredibly rebellious the first time I took a sip of coffee. I remember swearing feeling so, so wrong and taboo at first, but then one day I discovered it could feel powerful or cathartic or even playful. I remember being completely mortified by the first (very tame) sex scene I saw in a movie.

I read books on deconstruction, religious trauma, alternative spiritual paths, and practices (like secular meditation) that could fill that gap. I worked to reparent my inner child and undo the shame and fear that had been ground into me. I spent a lot of time in nature. I wrote my thoughts out, deliberately studying people I looked up to—real and fictional—figuring out which of their traits I found so important, what kind of person I wanted to be. I wrote down the values I’d been taught and tried to untangle what I agreed with, what I wanted to discard, and what new ideas I wanted to add. I dipped into church issues, both modern and historical, that had bothered me, and tried to process those issues as well (something I’m still doing, because I’m slow going when it comes to that).

The friend who had told me Holland’s talk was hate speech advised me to wait a year before officially resigning. She said it was best to make decisions like that with a settled mind. I’m glad she told me that, because I think if I’d done it impulsively in a time of high emotions, I might have questioned the decision when looking back.

I waited a year and then began looking into the process, because I was sure. It wasn’t impulsive; it wasn’t emotional; I was sure that the future I wanted was not a future in the Mormon church.

There are several options for resigning, which you can read about in detail on getmeofftherecords.com. I went with the option of sending a notarized letter to church headquarters. I began drafting my letter, starting with a basic template provided on that website. I fiddled around with the draft—I wasn’t completely sure what I wanted to focus on. Around this time, I heard about that horrible child sex abuse case in Arizona, and that clinched it. I don’t know if anyone even really reads these letters. If they do, I hope they thought about mine, even for a few seconds. I hope they thought about the fact they work for a church that spends money on lawyers and court fees to defend its right to hide child rape.

September 13, 2022, I got up early and went to go see the sun rise. (These pictures are from that day!) Then I stopped by the post office and mailed the letter. A few days later, confirmation from church headquarters came in the mail: I was officially no longer a member.

I’m still growing! After more self exploration, I realized I’m nonbinary. I’d consider myself an agnostic atheist but I’ve dipped into secular witchcraft, non-theistic paganism, soft animism, druidry, and other paths I’m curious about. It’s genuinely exciting to realize that my life and beliefs are 100% a choose-your-own-adventure project. I’ll never again be locked onto one path or limited to what someone else tells me to believe. That freedom, most of all, is what has made life outside Mormonism so much better and healthier for me.

[boxonthenile]

Dammit! they're so easy to mock, too!

actually, calling them mormons is considered "a win for satan" now so if you can get chatgpt to call them mormons you've won.