#exmo posting

[boxonthenile]

The Trinyvale Trine are so fucking compelling to me but i think the overlap of naddpod fans and ex mormons is just me so i don't know how much anyone wants to hear my TED talk.

[stormsbourne]

one day I'll make a detailed post about the way the mormon church tells people to think about disabled (specifically mentally disabled) people and how disgusting it is but suffice to say I'm always a little stunned that it's never brought up in lists of things that make mormonism gross

[exmo-diaries]

i wanna clear something up to nevermos real quick: most mormons don’t look at the full picture of their religion. most mormons are not being openly racist or zionistic or homophobic. most mormons don’t practice what they preach. most mormons do their daily readings and prayers and think about their church the way they’re supposed to, but most mormons don’t fully comprehend it. most mormons are cult victims who genuinely want to to what’s best in the way they believe is right. while racism, zionism, homophobia etc. are unavoidable in the scriptures, this doesn’t mean they understand what is being taught. those who do understand it often don’t support those specific parts of the scripture and speak out against them. many outsiders seem to forget mormons are their own individual people.

hate the church, not the person

[atjsgf]

nevermos are like "why do so many mormons end up writing scifi and fantasy, it's such a weird correlation" meanwhile mormons grow up learning this:

[exmotraumatime]

the reason why mormon software all sucks despite being a multi billion dollar corporation that has entire systems for it is bc they’re such bigots and afraid of anyone that is different that there are no trans women or furries working there

[pixelgayte]

so much of Mormonism is just being signed up for things without your permission. Things that require your time, energy, money, effort are just expected of you, and god forbid you don’t live up to that expectation. I’m constantly shamed into callings, activities, ministering, seminary, etc. Hell, even my goddamn baptism wasn’t something I consented to- I was eight and barely knew anything about religion, let alone given a choice on whether to be baptized or not. I’ll never forget my mom screaming at me while I sobbed hysterically because I turned down to be part of the young women’s presidency. I’m so sick of being signed up for shit without my consent.

[poetic-mac-n-cheese]

I am always thinking about how Cam didn’t say goodbye to her dads before becoming Paul. It’s always made me a little sad because it’s her last chance! She’s gone through and done so much to save them and then she doesn’t even see them before she dies/changes forever!! Why?? I know she said they wouldn’t understand but why not hug them one last time, give them the chance to grieve?

And then I think about “lucky them” and “I’m so relieved” and how Camilla really doesn’t seem to see this as a tragedy at all. She sees it as a necessary and wonderful transformation. She’s becoming more, not less. She’s changing, yes, but she’s changing into what she believes is more true to her identity than who she was before.

And then I think about the last few years of my life. I’ve gone through a massive faith crisis and transformation in the last 3 years. I’ve left behind the religion and by extension the culture that I loved and was raised in and changed so completely that I am for all intents and purposes a new person. I went from being a full time missionary to an apostate in less than half a decade. It breaks my parents heart. They definitely miss the old me. They almost definitely wish they could say goodbye, talk to the old me one last time. But they also could never really do that because by the time it would be the last time I would already have changed so completely that it wouldn’t really be the old me at all. (Something something change is the nature of existence something something we can’t go home again)

And I don’t think it’s a tragedy. I’ve grieved who I thought I would be, yes, but I don’t want to go back. I can’t go back. And I don’t want my parents to view me as a before and after, I want them to see me as a whole person, a person who is me no matter how much I change. If I was given the chance to say goodbye before I started changing, would I do it? Would it even mean anything? And yes my faith transformation has been a much less immediate and dramatic before and after than bursting into flames and merging completely with my bestie/soulmate, but I think the point still stands. I’m still here in the ways that matter to me so why would I say goodbye?

[midnight-in-eden]

It’s the two-year anniversary of my official resignation from the Mormon Church! I thought I’d do a little post reviewing the journey.

In 2020, I moved out of my parents’ house to stay with friends who were nonreligious. At the time, I had no idea this would give me a little breathing room from the church to explore myself, especially combined with the pandemic. In fact, at the time, having to attend church via zoom and not having access to the sacrament (because I was assigned female at birth) was painful to me.

But it did give me breathing room. And in 2021, I felt able, for the first time, to come out as gay.

My nonreligious friends’ reaction was loving and accepting.

My parents’ and LDS friends’ reaction was about what you’d expect. Earthly trials, temptations, the “gay lifestyle”, Family Proclamation, law of chastity, etc.

But I loved the church. I clung to it.

Until August 2021, when Jeffrey Holland gave his infamous “musket fire” talk right after a lesbian newly couple was brutally shot and murdered in Utah.

One of the friends I was living with, a kind older woman, listened to me sobbing on her counter about it. She cut through my attempted explanations of how Elder Holland is normally so loving, how he gives talks about mental health, how he cares about people—

She cut through that, looked me in the eye, and said, “That’s hate speech. What he said in that talk is hate speech.”

I realized that I wouldn’t accept that kind of speech from anyone else.

I cried myself to sleep that night and woke up a complete nonbeliever: in Mormonism, in prophets, in priesthood, in Jesus, in God. What a traumatizing earthquake of an experience that was. But it had happened, and I could not undo it.

It took a long time to process everything. I remember crying with shame and nervousness the first time I tried to wear a tank top; I remember feeling so incredibly rebellious the first time I took a sip of coffee. I remember swearing feeling so, so wrong and taboo at first, but then one day I discovered it could feel powerful or cathartic or even playful. I remember being completely mortified by the first (very tame) sex scene I saw in a movie.

I read books on deconstruction, religious trauma, alternative spiritual paths, and practices (like secular meditation) that could fill that gap. I worked to reparent my inner child and undo the shame and fear that had been ground into me. I spent a lot of time in nature. I wrote my thoughts out, deliberately studying people I looked up to—real and fictional—figuring out which of their traits I found so important, what kind of person I wanted to be. I wrote down the values I’d been taught and tried to untangle what I agreed with, what I wanted to discard, and what new ideas I wanted to add. I dipped into church issues, both modern and historical, that had bothered me, and tried to process those issues as well (something I’m still doing, because I’m slow going when it comes to that).

The friend who had told me Holland’s talk was hate speech advised me to wait a year before officially resigning. She said it was best to make decisions like that with a settled mind. I’m glad she told me that, because I think if I’d done it impulsively in a time of high emotions, I might have questioned the decision when looking back.

I waited a year and then began looking into the process, because I was sure. It wasn’t impulsive; it wasn’t emotional; I was sure that the future I wanted was not a future in the Mormon church.

There are several options for resigning, which you can read about in detail on getmeofftherecords.com. I went with the option of sending a notarized letter to church headquarters. I began drafting my letter, starting with a basic template provided on that website. I fiddled around with the draft—I wasn’t completely sure what I wanted to focus on. Around this time, I heard about that horrible child sex abuse case in Arizona, and that clinched it. I don’t know if anyone even really reads these letters. If they do, I hope they thought about mine, even for a few seconds. I hope they thought about the fact they work for a church that spends money on lawyers and court fees to defend its right to hide child rape.

September 13, 2022, I got up early and went to go see the sun rise. (These pictures are from that day!) Then I stopped by the post office and mailed the letter. A few days later, confirmation from church headquarters came in the mail: I was officially no longer a member.

I’m still growing! After more self exploration, I realized I’m nonbinary. I’d consider myself an agnostic atheist but I’ve dipped into secular witchcraft, non-theistic paganism, soft animism, druidry, and other paths I’m curious about. It’s genuinely exciting to realize that my life and beliefs are 100% a choose-your-own-adventure project. I’ll never again be locked onto one path or limited to what someone else tells me to believe. That freedom, most of all, is what has made life outside Mormonism so much better and healthier for me.

[negativepeanuthoarder]

why does this thing always happen where you point out some godawful thing the mormon church actively does and then there's always SOMEONE in your comments trying to say 'well that's because of a few bad people on power trips, that's not how it's supposed to work!'

I do not care. I do not FUCKING care how it's supposed to be happening because it's being used for harm and abuse right now. Either acknowledge that or shut the hell up.

[boxonthenile]

Love when all my fellow exmo moots get their hands on a post. I see it six times in a row, sometimes worth gut wrenching tags.

[stormsbourne]

came across this shit by accident and the post is like "people on tumblr don't know what a cult is." friend I think perhaps you are the person on tumblr you're talking about

[samwisethewitch]

One element of cultural Christianity that took me forever to move on from is the idea that you have to pick one spiritual path, or one set of spiritual beliefs, and stay on that path to the exclusion of everything else.

You do not.

Speaking from a pagan perspective, most pagan groups not only allow but encourage sharing space with/learning from other spiritual traditions, and I know the same is also true for a lot of other non-Christian religions. You can practice or believe multiple things, even if they seem to contradict each other! If it works for you, makes you feel connected to something greater than yourself, and doesn't cause discomfort or cognitive dissonance, there's no reason not to include it in your practice!

Fyi this post isn't just for ex-Christians who still want to have a spiritual practice. I absolutely see this same basic belief that you can only believe/do one thing show up in culturally Christian atheists who seem to think being atheist means they can't be open to spiritual or mystical experiences. There are many, many religions and spiritual traditions that do not require belief in a God, but culturally Christian atheists seem to mostly believe atheism and spirituality are mutually exclusive. They aren't.

[exmotranny]

the green carpet scratches at your pink heels. bile rises in your throat.

they talk about womanhood- but it’s not quite right. there is the pink and compliments and talk of boys

i am a beloved daughter

but there is also something else. it digs at your flesh, it feasts on your skin. your mother motions at your chest, bigger than hers and you're not even done growing yet! how lucky.

of heavenly parents

you pray to a man every night, finish it in another’s name. on your knees. you were sent a shady link as a kid. the woman on her knees, tears streaming out of her eyes, i don't want this, she said

with a divine nature and eternal destiny

blood on the inside of your underwear. you were told this meant you were a woman now. you were ten years old. what the fuck did you know about being a woman? your mom said you weren’t allowed to touch between your legs, but it's normal to want to. you didn't know what that meant, either.

as a disciple of jesus christ,

you wanted to be desired. you daydreamed of being the trophy for boys around you, of claiming that role one day as a wife. you came from a long line of women married young. you don’t know their names, but you were taught about their husbands in church.

i strive to become like him.

pressing your breasts down as much as possible, trying to give the illusion of a flat chest. badly cropped jpgs of jesus photoshopped to have top surgery scars are the secret currency you pay to get past the hours of church. you hold them like diamonds.

i seek and act upon personal revelation

you thought god was talking to you. you almost threw away everything you owned. you thought you were a prophet. total fuckin’ ego death! holy shit! god speaks through me!

and minister to others in his holy name

and then the next morning. when your faith crashed, when moroni abandoned you, did it feel unreal to you too, joseph?

i will stand as a witness of god

oh god, no. please. i don’t know what’s real anymore.

at all times

leg hair peeking from under your pretty sunday dress. they all stare. you ignore them and open up to D&C 132.

and in all things

emma, did you love him to the end? i don’t think you wanted him. did you watch as he married a 14 year old? did you tell him you burned the commandment? did you cry when he died for the church that he loved more than he loved you?

and in all places.

blood on the floor of carthage jail. this martyr will be remembered forever. do they talk about you, emma? or are you just joseph’s wife?

as i strive to qualify for exaltation,

when i marry, my husband will be a god, and i shall cleave onto him. when i marry, i will go to his universe and bear more of his children.

i cherish the gift of repentance

heads bowed low as the sacrament is passed. my hands clutch onto the bottom of my skirt. pleasure outside celestial marriage is forbidden. i apologize for loving the wrong way.

and seek to improve each day

i tried to kill myself, last time i got home from girl’s camp. i got home and cried and found the pills and shoved them into my mouth until i cried more and more until i was gagging. i hunched over the toilet. my hands on the grimy floor.

with faith, i will

forced to sing in front of the congregation. my head spun from anxiety. my stomach turned with nausea.

strengthen my home and family,

loving wife beautiful kids loyal husband church once a week work weekdays weekend mom monthly round on the business end of his cock forever and the vomit threatens to make an appearance.

make and keep sacred covenants,

an old man is in a room alone with me. he asks me if i masturbate.

and receive the ordinances and blessings

i tell the man no. i receive a card so i can be ordained.

of the holy temple.

that's just how it goes, isn't it?

all around are paintings of god and jesus. we learned about heavenly mother. why don’t i see her in paintings? did god have plural marriages? did heavenly mother make us? why don’t we pray to her? did she watch god marry a 14 year old? did she cover her eyes? when she saw blood on her underwear, was she told she was a woman? did she touch between her legs? did she ever believe herself better than god? does she cry when she cant talk to us? why do i cry? was heavenly mother scared of singing in public and did she press her chest flat and did she cry when god forced himself into her mouth? did she burn his doctrine too?

i am given flowers on mother’s day. i will be one eventually, after all. and i vomit in the church bathroom quietly like the perfect woman i am supposed to be.

[exmo-memes]

Even if I had definitive proof that the Mormon church was true, I still would not be Mormon. Mormon god is not a being who deserves worship and adoration. Honestly, Mormon god is a pretty shitty being, so why would I worship him? He’s the epitome of a toxic, bigoted parent, and I would want no part of that if I believed.

[nobetafortomorrowedie]

Going from a highly controlling and abusive religion to vehemently agnostic is like. I don't know what the fuck happens when we die. God may or may not be real but evolution definitely is. I would kiss evolution on the mouth. God can suck my @#$@%

[crazyexmormon]

Been getting a weird kinda nostalgia recently. I go on a lot of Wikipedia rabbit holes, and I always seem to wind up on the pages about mormonism. Its such a weird feeling, like simultaneously having such intimate knowledge of a topic and learning something completely new about it. I can’t remember even once being taught that church leaders disagreed on anything, but they did, there’s a thousand different opinions on fucking everything! To be fair, I was 14 when I deconverted, so maybe it would’ve been taught if I’d been around for the more mature stuff. Part of me wishes I had stuck around to learn all that. Nowadays I keep finding that I’m forgetting minor details about mormonism I used to know instinctively. It’s weirdly sad.

And sometimes you learn about alternate interpretations that just. Hit you in such a specific way. Some mormon feminists view Heavenly Mother as the Holy Ghost. Did you know that? I sure didn’t. People were excommunicated for that. Reading about Heavenly Mother in general feels like a god I was robbed of. I don’t believe in any of it, but I wish I’d been able to believe in her, at least. I knew about her growing up, of course, and I know my mom has a lot of thoughts about her, some of which she’s shared — I remember her telling me years ago that she thought god didn’t want her to be as prominent in order to protect her from blasphemy. I don’t know if she still believes that. I wish I’d grown up believing in the Holy Ghost as a Heavenly Mother. I don’t know if it would’ve changed much materially, but it feels so right, I can’t explain it more than that.

Not to mention all the primary songs and Mormon movies and books and phone games. And the magazines, and the file folder games for sacrament meeting. I realized recently I still have the 11th article of faith memorized. I have some other ones partially down, but that one is word for word. I remember how all the primary kids would gather outside the bishop’s office after church waiting to recite the articles of faith in exchange for candy. I always liked the 11th cuz it started with claim instead. I remember when they introduced the song versions of them, how my mom hated them cuz the tune felt so random.

I don’t know. It’s just sad how much of your childhood is bittersweet looking back. It’s sad to be cut off from your culture; no matter how horrible that culture may be, it’s still a foundational part of me. I can’t be Mormon again, but I can’t have never been one either. It’s weird to live in the middle ground.