#excruciating emotional pain is not fun so i'd rather just not

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

oh boy... i'm never gonna be able to trust anybody because if i start wanting things from someone and putting faith in them i will literally kill myself if they leave... the only thing i can do is try to make myself as independent as possible and never rely on anything so i never feel like i will crumble into dust if someone i love and rely on disappears from my life

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

The way substance abuse has been handled on the show thus far genuinely upsets me and reeks of writers who either 1.) don't understand the subject matter they're presenting and haven't done even the bare minimum to research it or, worse, 2.) simply don't care.

Apologies for the slight rant incoming, your comment about how it has been mostly "handled" off-screen got me going because that's 100% true and in that truth is such a missed opportunity for the show. The way it has been handled winds up feeling incredibly shallow and juvenile at the end of the day, especially for a piece of media that is attempting to present itself as "adult" and navigate multiple incredibly sensitive topics. I'll try not to get into my own personal experiences and will speak broadly, but the show uses substance abuse more as a cheap character flaw to poke fun at or something to magically handwave away when it is inconvenient, rather than the life-altering, debilitating illness that it is.

Nothing about Angel's use is ever meaningfully explored. It's so (apparently) unimportant to his arc and development that one rude comment from Husk (a character who ALSO has a problem with gambling and alcohol that is never addressed) is all it takes for him to suddenly "resist temptation" and be shown as "recovered" (unless I'm misremembering). Or was he suddenly going to counseling off-screen too and its just another thing that will be told to us rather than shown? And how does Charlie even handle that at the Hotel (I'd be really interested in this as a moment for her character to have to grow/change too)? Does she even understand substance abuse and the many unaddressed systemic factors that can influence it? Or is the entire recovery process just shame based (because that works so well /s) combined with some more corny trust exercises? Why is this incredibly serious topic relegated to the background as if it's unimportant?

Recovery is hard. It is emotional and exhausting. Withdrawal (depending on what you're coming off of) can sometimes mean excruciating, unimaginable pain and in some cases people literally die. It is not a funny "ha-ha I take drugs because I'm chaotic and wild" quirk to be adored or glorified and it definitely should not be presented as something that can be wrapped up in a month or two off-screen without any development whatsoever. That's just insulting.

When you approach a topic like substance abuse and recovery, I personally feel you need to take in all sides of it. All the missteps that come with it (two steps forward one step back - mistakes are expected and okay), the self-loathing, the guilt and shame, the joy, the sense of freedom, the loss, and the best part of all: the incredibly difficult but liberating journey that is rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself and your body again, once you've chosen to be free and to live life.

Mad props to anyone who has ever battled this disease. You are strong, you are worth it and you are valued. Lol I am so sorry for going off here but I so appreciate you calling out the lack of exploration on this topic in the show. I guess I didn't even realize how annoyed and upset it was making me feel (praying this is coherent...).

This was absolutely coherent don’t worry!! Im really glad to see other people talking about this. I myself have not struggled with drug addiction but I have struggled with other kinds and as someone that studies a bunch of medical junk, I’d say I’m decently knowledgeable.

I’m mainly going to focus on Angel for this since he’s the main character I write for, but I assure you other characters addictions are also handled in my rewrite.

During the actual canon show, we don’t see Angel actually abusing substances that often; there’s a few times, most notably in episode 4, but from the rest of the show onward we hardly see anything. Yes in episode 6 they mentioned relapsing, which, mind you, was done horribly, but I digress. They touch on relapsing; Angel relapses, and then… what..??? What happened from that? I don’t feel upset or second hand guilt of any kind from this scene because we haven’t seen Angel’s attempts to stay sobre and off drugs.

His name is fucking Angel Dust. You don’t, I dunno, think that’d entail a higher dependency on drugs? Why do you think he named himself that?

About his name before anything else, the show has so much potential later on to talk about Angel picking out his drag name and why he chose that specifically. So much potential to explore how he views drugs and himself. He sees them as an escape and something “fun” to take his mind off of his actual life. When you die in a fucking coma and wake up in hell as a spider you’re going to want an escape. You will want to ignore reality. I am fully convinced Angel picked his name once he started performing because thats what he needed at the time. He needs to be like that to survive in hell. Angel is an incredibly mentally ill, troubled, traumatised, and unstable person, and being surrounded by so much intense negative influence only amplifies his current problems. I don’t mean to drag Vox in here but in my last redesign post I mentioned how very mildly bad people can become even worse people in hell because of the environment and this is no different for Angel. He’s been surrounded by crime and drugs his entire life and unable to live comfortably because of his sexuality. He has very likely been struggling with substances since he was a teen. Possibly even younger. He is not going to suddenly get over his addiction because of something like this. It could pave the way to him looking into dealing with it, but things like this can take years. I don’t remember when my addiction started; I’ve been clean for 2 1/2 years now I think, but the amount of relapsing and anguish I experienced while working towards that isn’t something that can be done in a few days or months. I still struggle with feeling like I deserve to say I’m recovering.

I’m hoping they tactfully handle this as they should, but my hopes are low. It’s okay to show a character relapsing. It’s okay to show a character feeling guilty. What matters is that the struggle is there to signify they’re trying. For a character with a song called “Addict” you really don’t see much of it. Drug and alcohol addiction is not a silly thing to just twiddle your fingers with and be like “well I guess thats over!” It’s incredibly insensitive to do so.

Whenever I write about Angel’s struggles with addictions, I focus on how small they can feel until you realise what’s actually happening. Just me talking about my rewrite again, but to get my ideas out here: Angel smokes often. He smokes at the studio when he’s stressed, he smokes at the hotel when he’s stressed, he smokes at in alleyways when he’s bored, there’s almost no location he won’t, but sometimes he tries to smoke less. His lungs aren’t the same as humans and technically he has 2 pairs of lungs, but smoking causes him to cough. This is painful in general and especially painful for Angel since he has barbs going down the back of his throat. Imagine choking on sandpaper, kind of like that. It’s painful, he doesn’t like the sound, Fat Nuggets REALLY doesn’t like the sound, and it’s an overall inconvenience, so he tries to stop smoking as much. Periods like this usually go fine for him until the stress returns or he starts to feel the withdrawal. Withdrawal from any sort of addiction is terrible, and in Angel’s case, just from not smoking it worsens his mental state further. He becomes irritable and stressed and that stress leads to wanting to smoke again to calm down. He may resist a few times and those times should be praised, but he gives in eventually. One cigarette to calm down becomes two, then three, and before he can process himself getting carried away, the entire pack is gone. It’s things like this that make addiction horrible. It’s something that deeply scared me when I was struggling. When I was struggling I was still in the mindset of “I can stop when I want to” and then being so suddenly hit in the face with the realisation that I’m not longer in control of this is terrifying. I could not stop when I wanted to. There were even points where I didn’t want to stop. Even just getting the smallest glimpse of this in an incredibly serious manner with Angel Dust would surprise me. To think the bar is this low on a show that seemingly prides itself on tackling such sensitive topics like you said is appalling. Your show shouldn’t have to be told how to write itself.

[jerzwriter]

Hi, Elsa! Could you please answer: 🍲🍥 and🍡? I wish you a great week! 🌹

Hello Dear Dani! (From This List)

I've answered this one:

🍲 When did you start writing and why? and this one 🍡 Which of your fics was the most emotionally difficult to write? Here.

But... I did leave out WTD on the second question. Since it was an OH fandom friend asking, my head was just there. But in WTD land, A Mother's Journal has been excruciating at times. As we've discussed, being mothers ourselves and having traversed some minefields in recent years, a lot of the material hits close to home. Being a parent doesn't come with an instruction book for the best of times, never mind the worst. Then we find when we're struggling the most ourselves, but still want to protect our children and give them the best we can in every possible way... oofh... those are emotions that we just never prepare for. Writing this series, I could feel Florence's pain. Sometimes being a parent means having to make a decision when both decisions suck, and it means facing your darkest fears and still having to smile for the sake of your child. For all these reasons, this series will always be close to my heart, even though it's wrecked it at times. lol

Coming Up Blank was also very challenging to write at times. It was just the unfairness of it all. Now, granted, we are not battling zombies in real life (just people with the brain capacity of zombies, which isn't fun either 😊) but there was a lot to relate to and empathize with here. Coming of age stories always get me, but showing these children coming of age in such a tragic time was really difficult to do at times.

🍥 What's your favorite fic you've written?

This is SUCH a hard question, because these stories are our babies, and we love them for different reasons. I have a very long list of personal favorites on my masterlist - it's long - and it's probably not up to date. Sometimes I no longer consider a work a favorite, but it could be back again one day - it's all subjective.

But off the top of my head I'd have to say Delaying the Inevitable. It was a huge endeavor and really a labor of love. I adore the story because it's not a simple love triangle, it's about love in all forms. It's about the ghosts from the past that haunt us and hold us prisoner until we set ourselves free, and its about forgiveness, redemption, and finding happiness again. Nothing else I've written compares to it, so it's really in a class of it's own.

But there are others that are very special to me and I consider them favorites as well. Some more dramatic fare would be Forever (OH, Ethan/MC), ...and I needed you to know (OH, Tobias Carrick), and Things Unsaid (Tobias/Casey). All are about the downside of love, which is pain. I was listening to a podcast with the TLOU creators and he had a line I'll never forget. Once you chose to love in any way, it ensures 100% that you will experience heart wrenching pain. It's true, their is no escaping it, and even in the pain, there is beauty, and I love exploring that. (Which is why A Mother's Journal above is on this list too.)

But there are lighter/happier things that are amongst my favorites too. Rather than ramble longer, I'll put my Personal Favorites list here, but a quick glance and, yeah, I need to update it! lol

Thanks so much for the asks, Dani! And have a lovely week as well!

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #093

(taken december 24th last year; uploading surveys taken while gone)

Would you rather have another job? I wish I had *A* job. It's gotten so deep under my fuckin skin but I just don't know of any position I could handle.

Did you ever live in a house with more than one story? No.

What room of your home do you spend most time in? The spare room where I keep my laptop at a desk.

Is your second toe longer than your big toe? They're really the same length, I think.

Have you ever given yourself a tattoo? No, and I wouldn't. I'm leaving that to professionals.

Do you own any clothes you wouldn’t wear in front of your mother? No. I don't/can't buy my own clothes anyway, she literally buys everything I wear.

Do you have health insurance? I have Medicaid, even though I'm technically too old for it while being under my parents' names. My mom went through fucking hell to keep me on it.

What are some medical issues you’re currently dealing with? My weight and the extreme weakness in my legs, above all. Then there's loads of mental/emotional stuff, mostly centering around my sub-zero amount of self-worth and how it's affecting various areas of my life.

Why did you last take pain medication? I had a bad headache.

What physical traits have you inherited from your father? Uh... I don't know. I have a habit of pacing like he does (or at least, I did when standing wasn't excruciating), but idk if that counts.

How about your mother? Her height, kinda her hair, and our metabolism is very similar. As I've gotten older I also think my skin is coming to look more like hers, especially my arms, full of little dots and stuff.

What personality traits do you wish your children would inherit from you? In that hypothetical world, I'd most of all want them to have big hearts that care a lot about people like I very genuinely do. I know I'd also be HORRIBLY disappointed if they didn't like animals, but I would absofuckinglutely raise my kids from literal infancy to enjoy and respect the presence of all animals. I'd also want them to be resilient and able to bounce back and just keep going no matter what, which I honestly feel is a very strong trait among my family members.

What parts of the world are your ancestors from? Germany, Ireland, and Poland that we know of. I don't think any of us really know Dad's heritage.

Have you ever had a strange pet, outside of the normal animals people keep? I mean, I've had a good number of reptiles, but I think they're pretty accepted as rather "normal" these days.

Do you believe in astrology? Absolutely not.

Do you drive an electric car? No, we could absolutely never afford that.

What are your opinions on global warming? It is a major fucking issue people NEED to take more seriously, because otherwise we ARE going to make this planet inhabitable.

Do you like facial hair on guys or do you prefer the clean shaven look? I'm entirely capable of liking either. It depends on the guy.

Who was your first celebrity crush? Jesse McCartney, lol.

Are you good with kids? It's funny, I NEVER think I am, I feel like I'm so super awkward around them, but historically kids have really liked me. Mom thinks it's because I'm more of a "fun" adult that is just able to connect with kids' interests and desires more than most. I'm so far from a "serious" adult.

Are you usually late, early, or right on time? Right on time or early. My mom takes me everywhere, so it's really up to her.

Are you good at applying makeup? NO. My tremors make it very difficult, and plus my vision is just so bad that even with a close-up mirror, without my glasses on? It's a struggle to see everything as clearly as I need.

Do you like pastel colored hair? FUCKING YES and I wish my goddamn hair would TAKE COLOR PROPERLY so I could do it, ugh.

What do you think about the most? Probably Girt, honestly.

Do you like to see it snowing outside? YES!! Ugh I hope we get some this year.

Do you have your national flag hanging up anywhere outside your house? No. This reminds me that I still wanna get an LGBTQ+ flag to hang in my room like at the head of my bed or something.

Have you ever been in a choir? When I was a kid going to a Catholic church/school, my sisters and I were in the choir for a while. I was also in chorus during elementary school.

Do you look older or younger than you actually are? People always think I'm younger.

When is the next time you’ll be up on stage? Probably never, really.

Where did you spend your last birthday at? My house as well as The Cheesecake Factory with my mom, boyfriend, and two sisters.

What was the last show that you watched a full episode of? Girt and I have resumed our Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives bingeing. 🥴 That show always makes us hungry as fuck lmao.

Is there anything you need to work on doing soon? I'm probably going to finish my nature photography class later today. I gotta read a bit and then do the final exam and I should be done.

Were you ever a boy or girl scout? As a child, yes.

Do you take your medications in the morning or at night? I have meds that I have to take at both times.

Have you ever bought a YouTuber’s merch? Well I have two Cloak shirts, which is Markiplier and jacksepticeye's business. There are YTers whose merch I do want though.

What is the best type of donut? It depends on what I'm up for, really. Sometimes I like chocolate frosted, sometimes glazed, sometimes cake/plain...

Do you like thrift stores? YES. We haven't been to one in many years, but you can find the coolest, most niche stuff.

What is your town known for? Crime, literally. I'm not kidding at all, it's infamous for it. Hearing there was a shooting somewhere will barely make you bat an eye after you live here long enough.

Have you ever used a fake name at Starbucks? No, I don't even go there, though.

What color is your lava lamp? I don't have one, but I wish I did. I'd totally get a pink one.

Who is your favorite Lisa Frank character? I liked the angel kitty, lol. Sometimes I think I might get a Lisa Frank-styled tattoo.

What’s your favorite movie that you remember seeing in the theater? Uh, Logan was really good. Idk if it's been my favorite, but that's one that comes to mind.

Do you know anyone who has ten cats? I can absolutely promise you that my sister's mother-in-law has well past ten. Their yard is littered with cats and even have some inside that have entirely destroyed the upstairs/made it inhabitable. I try so hard to be understanding because growing up MY house was infested with outdoor cats I was so attached to that just kept breeding and breeding, but it's so problematic in multiple ways. Something needs to be done about it.

Have you ever had a cat? ^ Grew up with them, had them most of my life. There was quite a span where we didn't have one until we adopted Roman. <3

Have you ever had a dog? Yeah, a good number.

Have you ever any other kind of animal? Jesus, let's see. Guinea pigs, a Chinese water dragon, briefly an iguana, my sister had a rabbit at one point, rats, mice, gerbils, hamsters, ball pythons, some fish... Maybe more but I don't think so? We've just had a whole lot.

Have you ever had a pet rock? Uh I don't think so.

What were you voted in the senior class polls? I wasn't.

Who was your favorite teacher in high school? Coach Collie, Mrs. Stancil, Mrs. Cruz (who, fun fact, inspired my handwriting lmao, I was in love with hers), and Mrs. Williams.

Do you want to give your kids common names or unique names? Absolutely more towards the unique side, but I'm not against "established" names, either, so long as they're not obnoxiously common.

What collection are you thinking of starting? Rammstein merch laskdjflkajwelr

What are five of your favorite stores at the mall? Hot Topic, Spencer's, uh... maybe rue 21, anddddd... yeah idk.

Do you organize your clothes by color? No.

What do you want to name your first child? I've become pretty confident if I ever have kids and it's a girl, so long as Girt's the dad, it would be Miquella Lynn because I think it goes better with his last name than Alessandra Rose. If I ever have a son, I'd want to name him Damien Vance.

List ten favorite girls names. Alessandra, Evangeline, Justine, Jacqueline, Miquella (okay yeah it's a male's name in Elden Ring but I really like a way that it's mispronounced and to me sounds way more feminine), Chloe, Journee, Evelyn, Day, and uh OH I really like the sound of Amberdene, though it's a name I just made up for a future role-play character.

List ten favorite boys names. Damien, Severin, Vincent, Luther, Victor, Nikolai, Jaxson, uh... I'm out of ideas lol. There are plenty more male names I really like, I'm sure, I'm just blanking right now.

What season do you want to get married in? Autumn.

Is your Pinterest cluttered? Eh, it's relatively orderly. My "fandom" board has become a fuckin disaster though between all the shit I love, lol.

What is your favorite insect? Luna moths are number one, but I in general really love butterflies and moths.

What bugs scare you? FUCKING STAG BEELTES lkajsdkljawer like don't get me wrong, I think they're VERY cool-looking, but I am steering the fuck clear of them. I also don't like hornets and wasps at all. Centipedes are another big no, like I am IMMENSELY thankful big, truly dangerous ones don't live here. Another animal that looks cool as hell, but their bites are the stuff of legends.

Who picked your name, your mom or your dad? Pretty certain my mom.

What are your siblings’ names? Ashley, Nicole, Katie, Bobby, Misty, and Tiffany if you wanna count her.

Have you ever fallen asleep in a significant other's arms? Do you find that you fall asleep faster when accompanied by a significant other? Yes to both. At least, I'm pretty sure yes for the second question.

Do you have a television in your room? If you do, is it one of the old school big ones? Or is it a new flat screen? Nah, I don't watch TV so it would just be excess clutter.

What was your favorite cartoon or television show as a child? What about movie? I was absolutely, utterly obsessed with Pokemon. My favorite movie was The Lion King.

Did you have sleepovers at your friends' houses a lot as a child? Or did your friends come over to your house more often? It was more likely that my friends would sleep at my house because for a good chunk of my childhood, I had terrible separation anxiety from my mom and would end up waking up my friends' moms in the middle of the night to call my mom to come get me, lmao. I eventually got over it though.

Do you have any significantly older siblings? Did they ever treat you as if you were their child? Well yeah, my half-siblings, but they never treated me like a child, never mind theirs.

When opening presents on Christmas or birthdays, do you first try to guess what is in the package? Do you tear the wrap off slowly, or just rip it to shreds? Are you polite no matter what the gift, and say you love it anyways? Nah, I don't guess anymore, and I think I open presents... normally? Idk. And of course I'm polite about it, because it's very generous to get me ANYthing, so I am thankful no matter what.

What happened last time you got drunk? I've never been drunk, just tipsy.

What are you listening to? "Lügen" by Rammstein.

Which parent do you feel the most affection for? My mom, honestly.

How do you feel about God? "If there is a God, He will have to beg for my forgiveness." A quote that reached fame by being found carved in a concentration camp wall. And I will forever agree with it, violently so.

Which platform do you use to listen to music on the most? YouTube.

Who do you care about the most? Honestly probably Girt.