#except will ofc. he was dying somewhere else lol

[cheemken]

Yeah the concept with all the Champions dying makes more sense if it was apart of the Rebellion AU. Can make it more devastating for Diantha if the Kalos League tells her how she died

But damn, we won’t have the Lance, Clair and Silver reunion :(

But we can have the “Lance finds out his cousin and son were killed because they were important to him” scenario instead >:). Imagine he eventually asks where Clair is, or where Silver is

Also yeah I intended for Hau and Geeta to be killed as well, I just couldn’t think of a way for them to die lol

But Hau is still champion, and I like what you did with Geeta. Having her as the villain for her region. Love me some twist villain characters

We can also go with the other scenario if you like her being the good guy better. Ma’am dipped, left Nemona in charge (a teenager btw), and came back months later with a fucking killer team. Ready to avenge her soulmate and friends with mons she specifically trained to go for the kill

Ouughfhchfhfjdhsn your honour Lance having to find out everyone he loves is dead😭😭 his wife and kids and his cousin man that's gotta fuck him up imagine him finding out that his alt self is still alive in this universe but he's a prisoner of RR, a hollow shell of a man he once was, a man who lost everything, who was powerless to save everyone and ough,,,, OUGH™

Imagine him on the verge of a meltdown too, having to find out how everyone else died, and how he's still alive, still breathing somewhere, aware of the bloodshed happening around him, but was already too broken to do anything, powerless, dead in a way that he was alive yet mourned for not his loved ones but also for himself.

And oughfhfhf villain Geeta my beloved holy shit can you imagine Geeta meeting her alt self, and she's there w RR maybe, or in her office at the league, and this is so so so fucking self indulgent on my part bc I have this lil au abt Geeta and Diantha as well, but like,,,, ough,,,,, imagine Alt Geeta smirking at Geeta tho, telling her how Diantha died, how her angel fell from grace, how her screams echoed within the chambers, how she was killed by a pack of Houndoom. Geeta couldn't fucking believe what she fucking heard man, her own hands were shaking like crazy, the want to punch and go batshit on Alt Geeta fucking flared, and Alt Geeta was there going, "what are you so mad about? If anything, we took her away from that incompetent dragon tamer she calls her husband." Then she mutters under her breath, "unfortunately, even in her final moments she still chose him."

And ofc, Geeta's there telling Alt that Diantha didn't deserve that, she didn't deserve to die, none of them deserves to die. Then Alt Geeta gives her this dark af glare as she stands from her seat, stalking towards Geeta, almost growling, "if I can't have her then no one can."

Your honour they make me so fucking ill I can't hcmxbxmx

Imagine how that mustve been for Diantha tho, hearing from Drasna how her alt self was killed, how it was Geeta who killed her, and it's by a pack of Houndoom, can you imagine how hurt Dia must've been w that tho, how much it'll fuck her up, bc she knows its not her Geeta who did it, it's the one in this universe, but man she knows she just fucking knows she entrusted the same three people about that trauma of hers, about her past: Drasna, Geeta, and Lance. Like chdmxbnd your honour please😭😭

But either way, Geeta's going through it™ lmfao

W Hau tho,,, y'know imagine if he gets killed by an Ultra Beast, maybe Nihilego bc that's the one w Lusamine right?? That or like,, the cockroach looking one, Pheromosa?? I'm so sorry I'm not familiar w the Ultra Beasts except for Guzzlord and Buzzwole (bc this one's in unite lmao). But anyways, idk, like,,, Lusamine maybe killing Hau, bc ofc, he's friends w her children, imagine her killing off Hau infront of Gladion and Lillie tho, to show them what happens if they defy her again and oughchmdhx that's fucked up your honour Gladion would go apeshit too lmfaooo

[theskyexists]

Watched Edge of Tomorrow. I like timetravel stories. I like horrors of war depicted as horrors of war. Confusing pretty horrific. theres poetry to a slimy army recruiter who's tricked millions forced into being a recruit himself sure. But that doesn't excuse the horrific violence of the state. Of course, it's a perfect war: the enemy are all-destructive monsters. It's not clear why they havent blasted through every front already except ofc that it was supposed to echo ww2. Tom cruise surprisingly pretty in a very generic brown haired man kind of way. I might feel that way because he's short. Emily blunt also SURPRISINGLY pretty - idk something about her face. Did this film need a pg rating so they weren't allowed to say 'bitch'? Or was it faux feminism. Either own it as merit or don't use it?

The plot made sense enough within its world. Ofc you can start poking obvious holes like: why wouldn't them aliens recognise him and deliberately NOT attack him if that's what it takes for him to lose the power? Or later it seemed like they wanted his blood so... attack him non-lethally? from the alien point of view they....acrually how DID the alien experience the time resets... For that matter if he lost the power then...couldn't the omega reset the day. I believe the power was exclusive? For some reason. But most importantly: why couldn't Rita simply have said (as the most star soldier in the whole place): I need to be dropped somewhere else - not the beach. Lol

Apparently this film was received as very feminist. Hmmmmmmm. HMMMMM.

There is this moment where they become a perfect killing team and finally make it past the front line and then it turns out that for some stupid reason they never manage to take a helicopter without either one of them dying. But she doesn't care? Or ? That he knows this? She'd rather die in battle apparently and wreck the heli or whatever? Which is the stupidest fucking bottleneck lol. Makes no sense character-wise, and is pretty much slander.. She doesn't care about her life. Ok. So but like - don't you care about the mission. Let's take the damn car.

AND THEN, HES LIKE - OK - ILL DO IT ALONE AND IT ACTUALLY FUCKING WORKS LOL!!!!! Apparently she was never necessary for getting through the front line!!!! He could do it alone!!!!! And he could start the heli alone too!!!! Even though we saw it instantly gets attacked!!! Doesn't even use the car. What the fuck lol. he even still has his power armour instead of it already being out of battery (?). But then the narrative forgets about how it discarded her skills and contributions and their teamwork as essential. And they're a team again. But to be fair is she even necessary? Yeah bc she saves him from being tied up. And they somehow have no problem getting back from the general's base despite him doing crazy shit like: giving them the stuff, then having them shot. But maybe general man did that bc he was trying not to get shot by Rita.

And thennnn. Shes been trying to kill this thing forever and then she's like you go do the bomb thing. Bc the narrative decided that he can't run anymore bc he needed to do the bomb thing. For the heroic moment and the reset from his pov.

Was really hoping for one last bit where she got blooded again by the blue one and she came back around for a better last assault for a nice lil reversal to even the dynamic but that wouldn't have fit either tempo or point of view.

The kiss was good though.

Don't think the relationship will work out however....

[sherlock-is-ace]

Mrs. C and her boys

[kashyyyyk]

i was tagged my the lovely @theleavesoflorien to answer these questions, so here goes :))

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or a blue pen?

blue actually! but idk why

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or in the city?

the country ideally, bc cities are just too noisy, too grey, too many people. but on the other hand, ppl in the country are boring af... so. guess i could live anywhere where i had some peace and quiet and nature on the one hand, and some interesting ppl on the other - one can dream ig, lol

3. If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

any skill would be nice X’D but i guess writing, always. and not being a procrastinator. just being able to focus and actually finish/achieve smth. would be great (if that’s even a “skill”)

4. do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar?

coffee sometimes (aka when it’s bad coffee lol); tea never (tho i’d put in honey sometimes)

5. What was your favourite book as a child?

gosh i have no idea. i remember liking most books by Marc De Bel and Patrick Lagrou (both Flemish writers) and then as a teenager ig it had to be Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban!   

6. Do you prefer baths or showers?

i like both, but maybe baths, which have that additional element of “i’ve got time to relax rn” which is always great

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would you be?

werewolf :’) or smth that lives in the ocean (not a mermaid tho, i’m not 12) like a giant turtle or smth, or some big cat (i don’t know my mythology wow), or a dragon :33333

8. Paper or electronic books?

paper! ♥ which goes against my eco principles but i just loooove books and can’t get myself to read on a screen

9. What is your favourite item of clothing?

my mom jeans :’) 

10. Do you like your name? Would you like to change it?

i don’t like it at all D: if money wasn’t a factor, i probably would’ve changed it already, sorry @ my parents but yes

11. Who is a mentor to you?

George Harrison :’)

12. Would you like to be famous? If so, what for?

writing fantasy/scifi books or shows/movies pls and thanks ♥

13. Are you a restless sleeper?

i sleep like a log, which ig is why i wake up feeling like one XD

14. Do you consider yourself to be a romantic person?

lol. i used to... guess deep down i still am, even tho i’ve completely embraced ace/aro life for now. would never go for any of that sappy stuff tho, but some epic kind of soulmates love, i’m one of the idiots who believes in that shit :’)

15. Which element best represents you?

water ♥ and i guess air to a certain extent

16. Who do you want to be closer to?

lmao @theleavesoflorien, Henry Cavill, HARD SAME :’))) or Dhani Harrison for that matter :3 ~the 2 Main Platonic Baes~ but in all realness, i’d just wish i had any rl friends that i vibed with on a soul level /rip

17. Do you miss someone at the moment?

my brother i guess, always ♥

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory.

re-enacting The Lion King with my brother XD and generally just making up stories with him - @theleavesoflorien, we did the radio shows/quizzes too! brilliant XD

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

fermented shark, in Iceland. i highkey would not recommend 

20. What are you most thankful for?

still being alive i suppose :’) tho sometimes these days i wish i wasn’t. also, great music, books, tv shows, movies ♥ and whatever unspoiled nature we still have

21. Do you like spicy food?

sure! tho not like really spicy ig

22. Have you ever met someone famous?

i met Michael Palin in 2018 at a book signing ♥_♥ after a talk he did. and i said i’d liked the talk and he said thanks :’))))) also met Terry Gilliam last year and we talked for 2 secs ♥ and ig there were others but i can’t remember right now. oh yeah, talked to Finn Jones at a con one time :’)

23. Do you keep a diary or journal?

lol yeah like about 5 of them XD all for different aspects of my life i suppose. i have the worst memory in the world, so i need this to literally remember things

24. Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

pen

25. What is your star sign?

cancer sun / leo moon / scorpio rising 

26. Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

oh my fuck who would like soggy cereal o_____O

27. What would you want your legacy to be?

idk, just generally being remembered at all would be nice. would be great to have contributed something noticeable, but having made people happy in some way at all would do ig

28. Do you like reading? What was the last book you read?

LMAO yes :’) i’m reading a few dozen atm, but the last one i finished was Sign of Chaos by Roger Zelazny, part of the Amber series i’ve read about 6 times now instead of reading new things

29. How do you show someone you love them?

no idea :’)) just be there for them ig. giving them some of my time must mean i love them bc i loooovvvveee my time :’)

30. Do you like ice in your drinks?

not really actually. if it needs to be cold i’d rather just have it chilled than have ice in it

31. What are you afraid of?

dying without really having lived :’) /harsh truths hour

32. What is your favourite scent?

peaches, basil, privet, monoï, ....

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname?

gosh, depends on the situation. i guess i’d say sir or madam (without the surname tho) and i mean older as in at least 20y older

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

not working for anyone else another day in my life. except if i found something i really want to get behind and put some effort in. hopefully write for pleasure tho, which would hopefully come easier since i wouldn’t be stressed at all times. i’d like to live near the ocean and the jungle, surrounded by a only few but likeminded people ♥

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean?

love ♥ the ocean, tho i also scares me lol. would say a natural pool or a lake without too many weeds in it :’)

36. What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

take it ofc

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

oh yes! i always make a wish :) and the same one each time too

38. What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

that they’re okay, that of course growth is important, but that they’re enough as they are, and only have to change if they want it, not for anyone else. i’d try to teach them empathy and respect for all beings and the earth we live on

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

got three already, but i’m contemplating George Harrison’s squiggly sun drawing from his Here Comes the Sun manuscript, maybe on my ankle? still considering Tolkien’s dragon drawing too. an ॐ somewhere definitely, maybe combined with some lotus thing, idk yet..

40. What can you hear right now?

Pink Floyd - The Great Gig in the Sky (Live, from Pulse)

41. Where do you feel the safest?

in my flat. or in nature when there’s no one around. in fact i feel safe most places where there’s not too many people around

42. What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

my procrastination

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be?

ooof, difficult choice. maybe just super far back to hunter-gatherer times tbh XD like okay, not that intellectually or spiritually developed, but still in touch with the actual earth we live on as simply another species, before assuming we were anything “more” or w/e, before any money or power or religion came into play ♥

44. What is your most used emoji?

i’m on the computer now so, hmmmm but: ok hand, and the crying emoji, and the two hearts, and ofc the “this is fine” content smiling one XD sorry idk how to describe it

45. Describe yourself using one word.

idiot

46. What do you regret the most?

not having taken my life into my own hands in my 20s... but i honestly try not to regret much anymore. i guess my 20s couldn’t have gone much different all things considered, and i did learn from them

47. Last movie you saw?

Mortal Kombat X’D

48. Last tv show you watched?

Red Dwarf ♥♥♥

49. Invent a word and its meaning

this is too difficult :’)))))

as usual i’m lazy and tag anyone who feels like doing this! ~♥

[fen--harel]

50 Interesting OC Asks

TW: Kal & Victor are just terrible so things they say might be disturbing

1. What is a rumor people tell about them? 

For Asiel and Alaina it’s definitely how many people they slept with or who they slept with. For Erasmus it’s that he’s a virgin. They’re wrong but they’re also not wrong. I think Stephane would have weird rumors ?? Where people assume scary things about him like he has a sex slave dungeon or something or that he’s so immune to all types of drugs that nothing can get him high anymore and that’s why he’s a fucking savage. But in reality Stephane sits in his room and eats ice cream. 

2. How long would they last in the zombie apocalypse? 

If there was no one watching Alaina - not long. I think she would be able to sneak by but that could only last for so long. Erasmus would be fucking dead in an instant if there was no one. Asiel, Stephane, Eskandar, and Ruben are def the top contenders. Kal too !! VICTOR WOULD WANT TO FUCK THE ZOMBIES AND I AM UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THAT THOUGHT. 

 3. If they’re about to get in a fight, what song plays in their head as their ‘hype song’? 

Alaina: 7/11 - Beyonce (I love to think this is both hers and Asiel’s hype song and when this comes on they dance like a bunch of dumbasses)

Stephane: Don’t Stop - Innerpartysystem

Asiel: Everybody - Don Broco OR War Child - Hollywood Undead

Ruben: Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand 

Kal: Backmask - Mindless Self Indulgence (GOD THIS SONG IS JUST HIM)

Cesaire: I Bet You Look Good On The Dancefloor - Arctic Monkeys

4. How important is family to them? 

To Alaina it’s important but it’s more like...the whole idea of family ? Since she doesn’t have her own ? Like she considers the Demonios her family so they are important to her. For Stephane he didn’t give a single FUCK about family until he and Alaina had theirs, but before he despised the whole idea of family and thought it was fake. The same thing for Asiel. For Cesaire I feel like family would be a difficult and uncomfortable topic. He hated his dad and was basically forced to hate his twin brother but he got the better end of it ? I think he would be confused on what like...constitutes a good family. 

5. If they had a theme song, what would it be? 

Letha: Stripper by Sohodolls & Future Nostalgia - Dua Lipa

Ophelia: Portrait of a Female by Cruel Youth & Violence by Grimes 

Kal: House of Wolves by My Chemical Romance

Victor: The Dismemberment Song by Blue Kid (THIS IS MY ABSOLUTE FAV)

6. What’s a movie they can quote from start to finish? 

Asiel can quote dumb humor movies like Idiocracy or something and Letha can also...quote those.

Asiel: Please speak your name!

Letha: Well, i’m not sure that-

Asiel: You have entered the name, NOT SURE. Is NOT SURE correct ?

Letha: No it’s not correct-

Asiel: Thank you! NOT is correct ! Is SURE correct?

Letha: No, it’s not-

Asiel: We already confirmed your first name is NOT 

8. If they were given 1000 acres of land with no strings attached, what would they do with it? 

ALAINA WOULD HAVE A FARM !!! SHE WOULD HAVE A FARM AND SHE WOULD BE SOOOO HAPPY !! And Stephane would join her and he would’t really do anything except cheer his wife on and Alaina accepts that 

13. How did they find out Santa isn’t real?

Erasmus: Well, I was around eight or so. I thought the idea of Santa, this magical person who appeared from our chimneys who ate our cookies and delivered our gifts was absolutely absurd. There is about 7.5 billion people in the world and you expect me to believe this single man could visit all the children in a single night and do all of that? No. Impossible. I confronted my parents and they finally told me it was them.

Alaina, Asiel, Stephane, Eskandar, Kal, Letha, LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE WHO DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A CHILDHOOD @ ERASMUS: .....

14. What’s a personality trait they wish they had? 

Alaina wishes she was smarter.

Asiel wishes he was able to feel empathy. 

Erasmus (secretly and in denial) wishes he was funny. 

16. If they were arrested with no explanation, what would their friends and family think they had done? 

Alaina: Asiel got arrested ?! I told him he wasn’t allowed in that donut shop anymore !!! :’(

Asiel: Lanes is in jail ??? GOOD FOR HER !! Finally someone punched her ‘jail card’. So what was it for? Public intoxication or indecency?

Erasmus: I told Letha nudes weren’t allowed on twitter !!!!

Ophelia: Kal ?? In jail ?? You’re fucking with me. Kal never gets caught. You’re just trying to trick me into leaving so he’d be able to go “SURPRISE!” and break my other leg.

17. In 40 years, what will they be the most nostalgic about? 

Victor: Do you remember the night we all went to the strip club together? And I saw that beautiful girl, with the smoothest skin. Candi, I believe her name was, with an ‘i’. Her body was almost perfectly preserved without the help of my chemicals for almost a week! A week with that smooth skin underneath my fingertips. I wanted to cut them off after, afraid that if I didn’t nothing was ever going to feel as good underneath my skin like that ever again. She looked just like she was before I killed her. It was the best sex I've ever had, what I would give to relive that week.

Ophelia:  😟

Kal: *Zzzzzzz* 

18. How would they describe their family? 

Kal would describe his family as “boring” which would be the reason why he killed them 

I’d like to imagine that Victor’s famiy died in a v traumatic way ? Where he had to see their corpses or something which was why he turned out the way he is - so fascinated with the dead but i’ll get back to that later 

I’m kind of torn on how Asiel would react to questions about his family, since he resents them so much I don’t think he would outwardly express that because that’s Asiel’s thing, you can’t find out WHY he hates the world but I feel like he’d be too upset to lie about it so he would dodge the question but in a v sneaky way so you wouldn’t see he was bothered by the question 

20. Do they have any pets? If so, what are they? 

ALAINA HAS TWO (2) PETS !! A German Shepherd named Orpheus and a Green Anaconda named No Feet or Nofie for short

23. What’s the most important object they own? 

I’d like to think that somewhere Stephane has a picture of his family (with Ciro’s face cut out) and he even couldn’t bring himself to cut Cesaire out and he occasionally looks over it fondly when he’s feeling a certain type of way \

I feel like Asiel would have something from Natalie, his sister (I should ?? Change her name LOL) that reminds him of her, lately I have been thinking of killing her off LOL to increase Asiel’s angst and bitterness towards the world so an item that would remind him of her would be so so important to him 

24. What event in their life would make a good movie? 

EVERYONE’S LIFE IS A FUCKING MOVIE THEY’RE ALL IN THE MAFIA 

27. What makes a person beautiful to them? 

Alaina thinks everyone is beautiful in their own way and they have certain specific things about them that makes them beautiful 

Stephane would find genuine kindness beautiful, just being kind not for any other reason than you genuine want to help and you genuinely care (tbh just Alaina in generally, if you’re anything like her you’re all set) 

Erasmus is the same way with genuine kindness, but I feel like he’s moreso people being happy ? Because he’s kind of sad and grumpy and seeing people being happy and enjoying their life he finds very attractive (NOT ASIEL ENJOYING HIS LIFE THOUGH) 

Victor thinks people going into rigor mortis is beautiful so...there’s...that 

Asiel would also be attractive to genuineness but not kindness specifically, just people actually being themselves and not afraid of being themselves - but also Asiel finds everyone hot ?? so 

I think Kal is incapable of finding people beautiful or attractive because he’s so fucking egotistical but I think what would peak his interest is people who are interesting - like if you can make him think you’re worth keeping alive he might fuck you or smthing or at least not kill you so that’s a plus 

28. If they turned into their crush/significant other for a day, what would they do? 

ALAINA WOULD BE SO EXCITED TO BE STEPHANE FOR SOME REASON like I feel like she’d take it as an opportunity to understand him better and she would just be excited to view the world from his “tall perspective” 

Stephane would flip the fuck out for the first solid five minutes but then use the opportunity to take more pictures of Alaina in outfits or underwear he’d always want her to wear (with her permission ofc) god and I feel like he would love the opportunity to be mean to people while in her body just to see people’s faces of Alaina cussing them out but then he knew she’d cry so he would refrain from doing that 

36. Do they believe things happen for a reason? 

CESAIRE BELIEVES IN FATE SO FUCKING MUCH like he believes in zodiac signs and things that are written in the stars, if something is meant to happen then it would have happened is definitely his motto but he would definitely work hard to make things happen as well 

42. Do they drink/smoke/do drugs? 

Alaina is an alcoholic in Arc 1 because she believes that since her life is better now she shouldn’t be feeling sad and thinking that she has problems because her life could be so much worse so she drinks to “cope” with her problems and eventually Etienne gets her into drugs as well but after she breaks up with Etienne, Asiel helps her become sober 

Asiel used to drink and do drugs like in an excessive amount but when he ODed and scared Natalie by almost dying he quit that 

Stephane, Kal, Ruben, and Eskandar smoke but it’s all casual 

46. What is something silly they’ve been tricked into believing? 

Alaina would believe anything you tell her from fucking anyone she’s so fucking dumb and I love her so fucking much for it she’s so cute 

50. What topic could they give a 20 minute presentation on with no preparation?

Asiel: Anyways, and that’s why the Ninja Turtles are better than the Avengers, any questions ? 

Erasmus: THIS IS A PROFESSIONAL MEETING !!!!!!

[moonsdancer]

okay, but now that i’ve gotten this first taste of glorious angst, i’m getting greedy so, would love people to really dig deep with all the possible AUs, like:

the one where either jon or dany has to become the night king/queen, and spend the next thousand years in hibernation waiting for the day they can rise again and bring some kind of climate extinction apocalypse. BONUS: if this involves reincarnation, so the one who had to keep living ends up dying, but finds them again a thousand years later. BONUS BONUS: if at the end of the one who kept living’s life, they make a trek to the lands of always winter, where they can die in the arms of their beloved or finally be turned into a walker to live by their side forever.

the one where dany finds out she’s pregnant but doesn’t tell jon. and when they finally win, she disappears across the narrow sea with the remnants of her khalasar and the unsullied who wish to return to essos, and instead of reinstating herself as queen in mereen or wherever, she makes herself disappear (by planting a story that she died in the chaos around king’s landing or something), settling in some tiny village in a cottage with a red door and a couple lemon trees, where she raises her kids, twins btw, by herself. AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT SHE THOUGHT. because one morning her kids wake up and outside there’s a green-scaled dragon and on that dragon is a haggard man in armour, he’s bleeding out and clearly on the edge of death with days old wounds, and the first thing he utters when he sees a little girl with moon-pale hair and his eyes is “dany...?”

remix of the above where dany hoped to disappear and never have to deal with westeros again and just live her life with her babies in peace. but jon refused to believe that she’d died because her body was never found,and she should have been next to drogon’s body if she’d died. but she wasn’t. so he leaves the kingdom in someone else’s hands and goes on a months long quest to find the love of his life. 

the one where dany doesn’t get pregnant. but she does stay behind and offer to help jon rule and stabilise the kingdom. she decides that in order to continue her house, she must break things with jon and she does. and he can’t fight her on this bc when dany’s stubborn, she can be STUBBORN. so basically a reverse-cinderella AU where a few years after the war, in order to boost morale, they announce that the king is searching for a wife and all the remaining noble women of westeros should come to the capital so he can choose a fitting bride. but dany’s all he wants, and jon decides the best way to make her see that is to make her jealous. CUE: shenanigans and chicklit humour with a dash of smut. (this is decidedly NOT-angsty but it could be, whatever)

the one where jon never reconciles with dany because he’s still freaking out about the incest factor and he’s generally too awkward/fearful of taking what he wants, because he’s spent his whole life never taking. so she does the same as the second one above where she fakes her own death. and takes herself and her child somewhere warm and quiet. soon, things start to get unstable in the slowly-recovering westeros because jon doesn’t have a spouse or an heir and he quite obviously HATES almost everything to do with being king (except when he gets to deal with some of the war orphans and regular people). someone attempts to assassinate him in his quarters but Ghost manages to get them, not before they can whisper something about going to get “his children and that dragon bitch.” around the same time, someone attempts to murder dany and the kid, but this woman didn’t survive her entire early and adolescent life running from assassins to die like this in peacetime. both of them, on opposite ends of the narrow sea, start to investigate and realise that someone is trying to snuff out house targaryen for good. and ofc jon is even more angsty because he realises she’s alive. dany comes to westeros all on her own with the child because she needs to make sure the kid is safe. CUE: ANGST, DRAMA, FAMILY TIES, and that attraction.

the one where the war leaves dany or jon irreparably damaged and fucked up. this could go in many directions. i’d be here for mad!king and mad!queen fucking shit up, but that might be mad depressing. or else, maybe it’s physical damage, scars (I LOVE SCARS, the more grotesque the better), OR something even more painful like losing a limb or an eye. also give me all the PTSD and these two (and all the other characters) grappling with it, obviously in a way that makes sense for the time they’re in lol - like obviously they don’t have the language for it but would kill for a meaningful exploration of the trauma of all of this on all of these people. because this is some deep shit they’re going through.

perhaps part of the above, the one where everyone and everything is broken in westeros. jon doesn’t want anything to do with leadership or kingdoms and disappears. and dany realises there’s not much of anything left for her to save so she takes off for essos. but even in a land far away, these two seem to find each other.

I could probably go all day. But, all I’m saying is, I need every iteration of this pairing long after the show has ended. Please and thank you!

[villa-kulla]

so I saw Avengers Endgame last night, and honestly.....

I actually frickin’ LOVED it haha, I haven’t genuinely enjoyed one of the Avengers ensemble movies that much since the first one. Granted I’m still very sleep-deprived and on a slightly giddy high from how much it exceeded my expectations haha, and once I’ve thought more about it I’m sure I’ll find things to nitpick. But for the time being, I’m still pretty much swooning.

FULL INCOHERENT THOUGHTS/REACTIONS TO SPECIFIC THINGS BELOW THE CUT, AND OFC, ***SPOILERS*****

ONCE AGAIN: ******SPOILERS********

these are just my rambling Emotions about different moments, ostensibly in the order they occurred in the movie, but actually in the order I remember them:

The opening scene: that moment when Clint turned away from his daughter, and then turned back to see just a few remaining ashes floating slowly where she’d been was beautifully shot. Also beautiful: the soft gasp that went around the theatre right when it happened haha

Killing Thanos within the first 10 minutes and breaking the expected formula and thereby thrusting the movie out into unknown waters? lmao WELL PLAYED, ENDGAME <3

Steve picking up Sam’s mantle and running a support group for survivors? flawless move. My heart couldn’t take it

Okay first thing I genuinely didn’t like: “fat Thor” as a punchline. It was so cringey. My friends and I were discussing how that actually COULD have been so great had they explored Thor’s breakdown and PTSD in a meaningful way, and I mean who wouldn’t adore thicc Thor? But instead we got comedic zooms on his beer belly, and yeah. Kudos to Hemsworth for being a gem and making it work but yeah. Nothing wrong with Thor going to seed physically as well as mentally, just wish it hadn’t been played for laughs is all

Tony basically ripping his heart out and putting it in Steve’s hand? I knew my Vintage™ Stony feels were going to resurface and oh boy did they ever haha

Honestly their whole dynamic in the movies works very well if you imagine that they had angsty hate sex that wasn’t actually hate sex at all, and there was the possibility of real feelings there, but for whatever reason they just couldn’t. quite. make. it. work.

That moment with Antman and Hulk’s fans was so genuinely awkward and I could not stop laughing. Paul Rudd is a gift

It only took them 7 years to realize that all fans ever wanted was the Avengers lounging around in hoodies and eating takeout, but it felt all the more earned for it haha

this is silly but it was nice to have a return to Nat’s red hair...sort of lol

TIME HEIST! TIME HEIST! TIME HEIST! TIME HEIST!!

^^^ That was around when I really started settling in like ‘oh this is gonna be good’

the only spoiler I was exposed to was the ‘Steve’s ass finally gets the recognition it deserves’ post, and did it ever

got as close as we’ll get to canonically bi steve rogers and imma take it haha. Checking out your own ass? Legends only (in fact in our post-movie debrief over drinks, our first toast was ‘here’s to bisexual disaster steve rogers’ he time heisted my heart all over again)

and honestly props to them for going the cute nostalgic route by revisiting all the old movies like that, and not trying to be overly ‘dark and gritty’ for the whole thing. It was lovely how they did it, and very appropriate

The ‘Come and get your love’ credits from GotG is like the only concrete thing I even remember from that movie lol, and I was so giddy when it resurfaced

I’ll be honest, I’m so over aliens and space lol, any time one of these movies goes to space I’m basically yawning instantly, I’M JUST NOT INTO IT FOR THESE MOVIES SORRY. So I’m glad the space stuff was kept to a minimum in this haha. The way they do alien civilizations just never really packs a punch for me, with the single exception of...

......NEBULA MY LOVE <3 She was always the most intriguing and raw of any of the characters in those movies for me. Karen Gillan gives her an amazing presence, so I was glad to see her get a good showcase in this one

Oh hi Robert Redford, I definitely wasn’t reading Butch and Sundance fan fiction on the bus to work 12 hours before this movie asdjhgf haha that was a fun surprise

“Hail Hydra” ajshgd FUCKING EPIC OH MY GOD. I couldn’t breathe. That was amazing.

On a much less lighthearted note.......Natasha. Oh god. I really didn’t think they were going to go there with any of the original six but they did. Natasha was my original fave at the tender of 18, I was completely in awe of how Scarlett portrayed her, immediately cut my hair and dyed it red in tribute haha, and claimed her as my OG fave. I adored her, and still adore her. And honestly, I would have been so much more upset about her fate if...it hadn’t been so completely right for her. As much as I hate to say it, what she did was very character-appropriate for her, and really brought her full circle. And sneaky/unexpected to the end omg. That’s my girl.  I’m a diehard Black Widow fan, and I think it’s safe to say she definitely wiped out the red in her ledger, if there ever was any left <3

.....that being said, really, no lingering zoom on a photo of her somewhere at the avengers compound? Nothing? The reaction immediately afterwards was well done, but it was kind of awks that it never came back with even a mention lol 

Loved the way they did the ‘Guys...I think it worked’ emphasized only by the sound of birdsong. This movie killed it with the quieter moments

And now for something absolutely not quiet:

STEVE!!!

CAUGHT!!!!

THOR’S!!!!

HAMMER!!!!

I HAVE NEVER HEARD A THEATRE COLLECTIVELY LOSE THEIR SHIT LIKE THAT IN MY LIFE

I may have screamed. So. fucking. aces.

Between ‘Hail Hydra’, ‘That is America’s ass’, and lifting the hammer, Steve really owned this movie didn’t he lol

that’s my boy <3

they may have turned steve’s last movie into an avengers movie, but man alive this avengers movie was pretty much steve’s show and he killed every second of it

I’m giddy just thinking about it 

And speaking of giddy, everyone’s return.....normally the big final climactic battle scene tends to pale in comparison to nimbler action sequences that happened earlier, but I said giddy and I meant it. They really pulled out all the crown-pleasing stops in it, and it was impossible to nitpick, I had the biggest fucking smile on my face the whole time

AND OH MAN THAT ONE LITTLE MOMENT WITH DR. STRANGE. HOLDING UP ONE FINGER. WHAT A MOMENT. INCREDIBLE. JAW-DROPPING. VISIONARY. TRANSCENDAENT. UPLIFTING. MY HEART SOARED.

Until......THAT MOMENT

“I am Iron Man”

TONY

Oh god

Everyone speculated it would happen, but I didn’t actually think it would. IDK MAYBE I’M JUST NAIVE LOL.

I was actually kind of numb there for a while and I stayed numb until....

“Your dad liked cheeseburgers too”

Yeah there was no recovering after that lol, I was basically a wreck until the end from that moment on

Man...Tony Stark actually died....

As powerful as it was, I don’t really think they had to go there in order to bring the pathos? Idk I have mixed feelings about that choice lol, his big moment was epic but you know what else is epic? Going back to your log cabin to live with your family in peace lol. Idk I’m still not sure how I feel about their choice with that, but maybe it just hasn’t fully hit me yet

Sam as the new Captain America?? A-fucking-men

And this brings us to the ending

the controversial ending which is already causing its own civil war based on what I’ve seen so far haha. And for what my two cents are worth....

I loved it. That was a bold move and I really have to give them props for choosing something risky and unexpected as a conclusion. 

That last shot was absolutely beautiful. The moment ‘It’s Been A Long, Long Time’ kicked in I think my breath caught. And that slow zoom in on the window to see Steve and Peggy dancing 11 years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe to a close, and sealing it with a kiss? Gorgeous.

I’m honestly choked up again just thinking about it lol.

And although it’s a small thing, no end credits sequence?? That’s what we call true closure lol, and I think that was what really hammered in the fact that it’s really all over, folks <3

Yes there were some nit-pickable things, some things that could have been better, or came too little too late, and I can’t even BEGIN to wrap my head around the time-travel implications in the conclusion (and I’m not sure we’re supposed to haha). But they took approximately 9000 storylines and characters and managed to represent them in what was actually a genuinely emotional, thoughtful, and entertaining movie that managed to smash the expected formula and the gently pick it back up again to piece together a satisfying, crowd-pleasing, and soaring resolution. Yeah a good deal of the emotional-payoff was already built in what with audiences bringing their own 10-year journeys with these movies to the theatre, and part of my excitement about this movie is definitely tied into the overall pop culture phenomenon itself. But as a movie it exceeded all my expectations, and I’m very satisfied. Thanks, Marvel. It’s been a good run <3

[galimatios]

t/a rambles 1

back on my bullshit part 1

... should look into the tactics ogre games for novel inspo bc my novel is also a political drama ... UNINTENTIONALLY actually id call it a coming of age story in rhe new adult genre since mc is probably 23-25 i have so many feelings about the novel ugh i love my ocs so much and i put them all om opposing sides for this novel the most complex relationship i have in it i think is alex and his mother or rather prince kreutzer in this au queen elaine and her son prince kreutzer .. god its so fucked up bc kreutzer loves his mother- he was largely isolated as a child and his mother was always so loving and sweet and they were so so close but the prince never knew of the shit his mother did as queen she is a tyrant she must have lost a child once. a princess, i think probably to the king who she may have ... overthrew or usurped maybe but regardless of that shes in power now and because she lost a child she became overly protective of kreu and consolidated her power heard of a plot to infiltrate her kingdom and assassinate the son of the previous tyrant king (?) and she just fucking ruled with an iron fist because she has so little trust in the goodness of people that she thinks the only way to achieve good is to force it and as a result she kills anyone who steps out of line thus making the people resent her deeply but to kreutzer shes his mother his loving and doting mother who does all she can to protect him the novel actually starts um after the queen is assassinated h a its not her story but shes a big part of it even after her death bc a big portion of the theme is like coming to terms with the complexity of individuals no one is all good or all bad and kreu starts out unable to understand this he has a very black and white view of moralitt like his mother at the beginning on his coronation day theres an assassination attempt made on him but he gets whisked away by the court jester after that a coup is staged and rebels take over the country and the prince is forced to hide with a traveling circus that the jester brings him to where every performer... is a fugitive or criminal! and thats where his personal growth really begins bc he learns abt these people and realizes his world view was wrong people are complex people do bad things... for just reasons and vice versa esp Keith who makes a major appearance in the novel his entire bg story takes place outside the novel as well hahaha but its a lot after a raid on his village, hes orphaned along w his little sister who is ill so to make ends meet / buy medicine he does literally every fucking crime under the sun starting off with petty theft and scaling up to murder literally sacrificing every last shred of innocence he has for the sake of his ailing sister who... dies anyway! and im thinking, tbh, its a fantine/cosette/thenardiers type sitch where this quack doctor is basically scamming him except instead of fantine dying cosette does anyway thats where he fucking hits rock bottom he could handle things as long as he had someone to fight for you know he was alright with it bc his sister was there, his saving grace but when she dies hes all alone thats probably when lydia finds him i imagine he would he on the verge of suicide or at the very least dying of self imposed starvation and neglect but honestly probably suicide julie's death on top of the crushinf weight of all the crimes hes committed the innocence he lost, the lives he took its just way too much and hes just a naive kid lydia finds him and takes him back to the circus takes care of him gives him food and water and shelter and slowly tries to reach him slowly teaching him that there is still life to be lived that he is so young, and it is far too soon for him to lay down and die that he should live for his dead family, because that is what they would want to keep their memory alive in his heart and he begins to come around slowly starts doing chores for the troup then he finally sees one of their performances acrobats and the trapeze and the glitz and the glamor its the first time in years where he ... wasnt thinking about his dead sister or his trauma he asks lydia to teach him how to "do that" he says while pointing at the stage and so she does and ever since then hes taken up performing full time as a .. daredevil type act doing outrageously dangerous things for the thrill of it it excites him, the risk he loves to see how close to the edge of death he can walk without falling and it fuels him makes him enjoy being alive again and he's.. happy god by the time you meet keith in the novel he's just this happy go lucky teen with this smugness about him a kind of dangerousness belying a sweet exterior he's all jokes and laughs at this point and you'd never be able to tell what he went thru at first glance or at all really bc honestly, at this point he honest to god is okay lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 6:00 AM he... doesnt need anyone's pity. he doesn't need anything but the feeling of being alive now and one of the major points of the novel is prince kreu's relationship with him... bc at first they really clash and kreu is just... he's a fucking criminal and all of then deserve to hang keith plays this off w jokes at first but kreu keeps being antagonistic bc he just cant believe a criminal like him is getting away without punishment but then one day keith snaps at him knife to the prince's throat dangerous, cat like eyes, the usual smile on his face no where to be found you're right. i'm a thief. a liar. a criminal. a murderer. i'm all those things. but i'll tell you one thing, prince: i'm not worthless. he pulls the knife away and walks off leaving the prince stunned after this lydia talks to kreu explaining that maybe he shouldn't judge keith so quickly hinting that the circumstances of his life were... not ideal when i first found him, he was already half dead. perhaps not physically, but in the eyes. you could see the reaper in them. hhmgmgn i need to think more abt the circumstances around this scene ah keith must have been looking for a good place to die

the music from the circus reminded him of better days, when he played songs with his family. i imagine him.. outside the tent, somewhere obscured and there's music flowing from its interior... he's tired. he sits down against a barrel and he's been starving, exhausted... letting sleep take him away on the songs from the circus back to a time he used to be happy...

lydia fines him and shakes him but his eyes look glassy and he's unresponsive

he's taken poison must have been something from his former days working as an assassin something he saved for himself just in case and that's when lydia takes him in and nurses him back to health she's a water mage w healing capabilities so she's able to do it and i imagine at first keith is hurt, angry why am i still alive? i im fucking myself up in the feels i hate this THIS ISNT EBEN IN THE FUCKINF BOOK IT ALL HAPPENS BEFORE IT KEITJS NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER HERE BUT IM SO FUCKED UP ugh after kreutzer learns a bit abt keiiths origins he actually thinks a lot. and tries to make amends. apologizes to keith who doesnt say anything much he's sitting, eyes away from the prince, fiddling with the knives he uses for his performances

"a raid took my parents away. illness took away my sister."

"i did a lot of things for money. most of it i'm not proud of. but i would have done anything to save her... you know?"

"you've got someone you love too, don't you?" kreutzer thinks of his mother. the surrogate brother who disappeared on him and never returned "i do." "then, you get it." after this they start to really bond almost as siblings.. which is really funny bc kreutzer doesnt need to be protective of keith keith can MORE THAN take care of himself but its new for kreutzer to feel.. responsibility for someone else like this he was always the one protected before keith laughs at this a lot what're you trying to do? be my big bro? but secretly he ...really likes having family again as idiotic as kreutzer is ofc lydia has always been there for him but as a surrogate mother an older sib is new and.. kind of nice in canon modern au they really are basically bros LOL actually cousins via mothers but alex/kreu goes to live w keiths family after his mom (lain) dies so they essentially grow up like brothers i didn't even get started w the fucking mess that is alan and kreutzer alan goes by calisto also and he hes the court jester but he was trained from a young age as a snake in the kings court he was supposed to kill the prince when the time was right but alan and his dumb fucking gay ass FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM INSTEAD spoiler alert: its unrequited btwn alex and alan is NEVER requited in ALL aus its because alan ... doesnt love himself at all. he has no sense of... purpose or identity alex can never love someone like that but either way he becomes the prince's personal servant and entertainer and this idiot falls for him the naivete he displays, the timid stateliness, the unfitting title of prince bestowed on his shoulders- kreutzer is far too soft to be the leader of this kingdom and alan increasingly has the desire to protect him even as kreu grows older and more skilled in his studies there is always the anxious trepidation they also grow up together from around ages 11-present at the time of the novels start god alan loves him so much it hurts me but its so one sided alex loves cyrus in modern au ): alan could never be more than just a phase tbh poor guy alan and his low self esteem and depression the worst part of this thougg is that because alan feels aimless and without purpose when he falls for kreutzer he ... finally has his OWN cause to fight for and he takes it to the extreme betraying everyone that trusted him to do his job for the sake of a man who wont ever love him it bites him in the ass too bc i kill him off as a catalyst for other stuff h ahahahhahahahahahahaha not just kill him off but horribly because HE FUCKING BETRAYED HIS ENTIRE SIDE THEY ARE, UNDERSTANDABLY, PISSED Alan is so fuckong flawed hes a fuckinf mess and i love it ugh im thinkijg of another scene in the novel once kreutzer gets captured bt the coup rebels he actuallt submits himself voluntarily bc keith gets kidnapped and used as ransom keith tells him hes a fucking idiot keiths life doesnt matter dont fucking come for me! but kreu doesnt listen obviously and they torture kreutzer bc i love suffering and after that they make him listen in a mock trial to the testimonials of all the people hurt by his mother death to the queen! death to elaine of koel! all the horrible stories of lives unjustly cut short because of his mother it breaks him because he loves his mother so much but she's done all these horrible things he doesn't know what to do how to make amends the damage was done and he takes their wrath their scorn and anguish and i'm sorry as if sorry could ever fix anything but it is his burden to carry, his punishment to suffer in place of the queen ironically this makes lilya have a change of heart she was infiltrating the queens court just as alan did and she is directly responsible for her death her assassination, i think or the king's? either way shes part of the rebel forces and she DESPISES the queen good fucking riddance as far as she's concerned that woman made her life hell(edited) so she can rot in it for all lilya cares for but seeing kreutzer there bloodied tortured sobbing broken and taking the punishment doled out to him without so much as a word of protest(edited) she thinks... this... isnt right this is wrong. because kreutzer was not responsible for the sins of his mother as much as people want to blame him, take out their anger on him lilya was at first all gung ho about ending the royal bloodline lies and dirt - Last Thursday at 7:02 AM but she reconsiders this moment feels something tugging at her this isnt right

she remembers her sister back at the circus— lydia. who she always loved dearly but clashed with, leading to her abandoning the circus and joining the rebellion.

retribution is deserved, but should it be served? what then makes us different from our oppressors?

or sth like that so she rescues kreutzer takes him back to the circus. and reunites with her sister after so many years after that ik not entirely sure what to do w the novel LOL bc i know there has to he a big battle bc the rebellion forces begin to quell opposition like how the communist regime in other countries started in ernest bc people felt oppressed but then they went too far and started culling the middle class so then kreutzer leads his own rebellion force against them to take back the country then once he wins he uses his kinghood to dissolve the monarchy and embrace democracy instead asking lydia to lead hes much too tired to lead, and she is much better suited for it but hm inhabe to think more about that entire segment after this he takes over lydias spot in the circus as its owner and organizer and with keith he spends the rest of his days helping people just like keith also they properly mourn alans death it takes forever for kreu to come to terms w his mothers assassination and crimes he probably never truly works it out but he begins to be able to recognize that she is both the tyrant queen and his loving mother that they do not cancel eachother out, that they are not mutually exclusive they are one in the same UGH IM SO UPSET I WISH ID FUCKING WRITE THIS BC I WANT TO FUCKING READ IT the message i wanna convey is like people.. are complex, imperfect, and the systems they create are also subjected to that but everyone does things for a reason. no matter what that reason is and i want lydia to address this too when she becomes the new prime minister of koel a democracy is not perfect, because man is not perfect. there will be hardship, mistakes made along the way. but together we can grow, improve, and learn about one another— and better our society for it. and i believe anywhere injustice goes, justice will always follow(edited) sth like that ig

[thattheressuchathingastoobig]

The answer of Evan Matthew Cohen, in all his small-time glory.

Start: Do you ever wonder just how often everybody else feels like they should be doing more and that their life is whittling away because they aren’t?

Evan:

       hey

Kayleigh:

       Hey what’s up

Evan:

       guess what feeling is back

Kayleigh:

       Better fucking be the feeling you’re made of granite

Evan:

       i’m trying

       i’m listening to green light

       it’s working a bit

       i just posted this onto my tumblr

       do you ever wonder just how often everybody else feels like they should be doing more and that their life is whittling away because they aren’t

       and i’m deleting it now and putting the video of lorde dancing on snl on instead

Kayleigh:

       Listen, I know that you want to do more with your life, but no matter what happens, it is your life to live. You need to stop thinking about the lives that others are living because those aren’t yours. Your life is infinitely different from the next person’s. So you need to keep doing what you need for your life, despite what it could be

Evan:

       why is it so hard for me to accept that

       i know why

       i’m just dragging this out

       i know you’re right

       i hate it

       i hate it cause i want the could

       but i don’t act like i do

       i just give up

       i want the could cause

       cause the idea of it, when i’m caught up in it, when i find something shiny and new and brilliant, and i take it and put it on a pedestal, and i pretend like i’m up there with it- nothing makes me feel more fucking alive

       i give up cause it’s hard

Kayleigh:

       Then you need a way to stop using things and others make you feel alive and find a way to do it yourself

Evan:

       how do i do that

       jesus christ

       i’m just like shiro from fate/

       no wonder i like it so much

Kayleigh:

       You give up because it’s impossible. You can’t be lorde because you aren’t her. You didn’t live the same life. You aren’t giving up in the fact that you could feel like her. You’re giving up on the fact that you can be her. You can still go after the could, but you need to do it as you.

Evan:

       then the question i’m really asking

       that i have been.. skipping over

       is who am i

       fuck

       kayleigh

       i’ve been shortcutting on borrowed dreams

       and it doesn’t work

       ofc it doesn’t work

       they’re not mine

Kayleigh:

       That’s what you need to start thinking about. You’ve spent so much time analyzing everyone and everything except for yourself

       Do the same thing with yourself that you do to the rest of the world

       Break yourself down

       Piece by piece

       Figure out what your core needs are

       And idolize you most inner self instead of someone you can’t be

Evan:

       we work well together

       thank you kayleigh

       don’t mistake the lack of me making some philosophical comment as this not impacting me

       it’s the opposite

       it’s impacting me so hard and so loudly theres nothing that i can say to add to it

Kayleigh:

       I know Evan, I know you pretty well, I knew this would hit you hard, and I knew you needed it

Evan:

       when did you figure this out

       was it just now when i gave you the opportunity to put it into words you hadn’t formed yet?

       or was it earlier somehow

Kayleigh:

       It was all building up to this. It’s only in moments like this that you let your true doubts show themselves

Evan:

       i have no idea what i want or who i am

       do i want to be a therapist

       how do i even find the answer to questions like that

Kayleigh:

       I personally believe that you do

Evan:

       the only things i know of that make me happy are my pedestals. are they invalid because i use them to shortcut? or do they still matter

       they still matter

       they still mean a lot to me

       no that first bit isn’t true

       they make me feel alive not happy

       what the fuck is happiness

Kayleigh:

       Happiness is only temporary

Evan:

       everything is temporary

       okay

       what can i do with that

Kayleigh:

       Contentness is what you want

Evan:

       you know

       i think i have somewhat of an answer

       i just hope it’s not everything

       i guess if it is that’d be nice actually

       easy

       i know i want to be a dad

       i know it sounds kind of weird but thats something i feel so strongly

       maybe thats why i like psychology

       i don’t think what i want is to understand everything

Kayleigh:

       Then you just admitted to one of your desires

Evan:

       that’s impossible

       like you said

       i think i just want to find people who i can make happy and who make me happy in return

       thats what therapy is about for me

Kayleigh:

       Exactly

Evan:

       that seems kind of backwards doesn’t it

Kayleigh:

       No

Evan:

       maybe thats why i didn’t want to say that

       all this time

Kayleigh:

       Some people are happy when those around them are happy

       It makes sense

Evan:

       doesn’t that go against the whole do it for you thing

       or have i been imaging that

       all this time

Kayleigh:

       But you are doing it for you

Evan:

       so weird

       i’ve never understood this

       do i have to? maybe one day i will

       why

       why is that what i want

Kayleigh:

       But you don’t need to understand why it makes you feel a certain way if it works

Evan:

       thats true

       thats very true

       reminds me of native americans

Kayleigh:

       You may understand one day, but the understanding won’t make you happy, the act will

Evan:

       content with mystery as long as the joy of life is sucked out of it

       you’re right

       jesus you’re so right

       how are you doing this

Kayleigh:

       You’ve taught me well

Evan:

       huh

       so this is what i do with other people?

       this is what it feels like on the receiving end?

Kayleigh:

       The thing about me is that I never cared enough about the why, and you’ve always cared too much about it

Evan:

       am i really that good?

       yeah

       i have

Kayleigh:

       You’ve taught me to question the why enough

Evan:

       lol

Kayleigh:

       Enough to help me and others, but not enough to consume me

Evan:

       the first thing my mind just did after reading that was go “why do i question the why”

       i laughed out loud

       okay

       fuck the why for a bit then

       i still need to address the feeling alive bit

       i’m never going to give that up

       i don’t know if it makes me happy or content or not yet

       but it feels too

       what is it

       is it a bad thing?

Kayleigh:

       No, it’s not bad as long as you don’t lose yourself in that

Evan:

       right

       lose yourself

       so

       wow

       does that mean

       i’ll eventually have something better than the pedestals

       like.. this is hard

       okay

       so when i lose myself in things like lorde, like that day at nicks house

       you couldn’t have worded it better: “lost myself”

       cause theres no me there

       and what i’m doing now is trying to figure out what that me is

       so when i, not FIND something, but BUILD something, from scratch, from deep inside me and only me, like what i’m trying to figure out now

       will i not even need the pedestals? will i look upon them and not lose myself in them because

       how do i word this next part

       do you see what i’m saying

       idk

       i don’t have an answer right now

Kayleigh:

       You’ll look upon them and not lose houses because you’ll have a self

Evan:

       So it’s not even an issue

       losing that feeling

       cause i’ll feel it all the time just by existing

       or whatever that feeling ends up turning into

       by having a self

       or whatever

       idk if you’re busy if you aren’t i need you rn

       this is big

       yuge

       the biggliest

Kayleigh:

       I wasn’t answering because it felt like you still needed to say something

Evan:

       lol fair

Kayleigh:

       Like you were still making your way to a conclusion

Evan:

       no i was waiting for you

       well let me think was i

       i trust you more than me on what i’m doing rn lol

       i think that was the conclusion

       losing the way that i do when i’m in my pedestals, that feeling alive feeling

       isn’t an issue

Kayleigh:

       That you’ll always feel alive because you’ll know who you are?

Evan:

       yeah

       or however i’ll feel

       whatever that is, thats whats important

       i’m only saying it like that because idk if it’s gonna be the same thing

       right now i think that feeling alive thing i get is so intense because i feel so empty

       it fills me

       if i’m already filled its gonna be the solution obviously, but it’s not gonna be the same

       remember the end of the last star? what happened to cassie?

       i think that’s what i’ve been trying to do

Kayleigh:

       I didn’t read the last star

Evan:

       WHAT

       DUDEEEEEE

Kayleigh:

       I will I promise

Evan:

       It’s exactly what we’re talking about and I CANT SAY IT

       lol it’s okay

       i think i get it

       i think i get why i feel so lost and bored and hopeless all the time when i don’t have any sufficient distractions

       i’m not doing anything with my life cause i don’t know what i want to do

       cause i thought that whatever that would be wouldn’t hold a candle to my pedestals

Kayleigh:

       Wait is sasuke fucking dying??

Evan:

       HAHAHA

Kayleigh:

       Why are you fucking laughing, it’s not even halfway through the first fucking season

Evan:

       oh i know where you are

       just keep watching

       wait no i don’t that seems kind of early for what i’m thinking of

       okay wait let me finish first ill get to sasuke haha

Kayleigh:

       Does he die multiple times wtf

       Wait what?

       Wtf

       Naruto turned into series finale aang

       Sorry, this is getting good

Evan:

       it’s not that i don’t know what i want to do, that was the wrong way to put it- it’s that i haven’t cared. that’s where i was going with the holding a candle to the pedestals thing

Kayleigh:

       Keep going, sorry for the interruption

Evan:

       (it’s fine lol, i’m glad you’re liking it❤️)

       i know what i want somewhere in there

Kayleigh:

       Do you mean that you haven’t cared enough to find yourself?

Evan:

       i thought such a better way to feeling content, fulfilled, alive, whatever you want to call it, whatever it’s gonna feel like at the end of the road to becoming and living myself- the better way

       jesus am i really about to say this

       is this really what i’ve been doing

Kayleigh:

       You were typing something are you still typing?

Evan:

       the better way was to follow the footsteps of the pedestals i admire so much. if i feel this fantastic just breathing their air in, imagine how it would feel to BE them? if i just followed their footsteps, i’d get there right? it must feel even more amazing to PLAY the piano music that makes me feel so good the way she does. it must feel even more amazing to LOOK like and get attention like he does. jesus i sound like a fucking child: it must feel even more amazing to fucking FLY like a bird does, not just watch them do it. that’s what i sound like.

       idk

       maybe that’s the truth of being human

       maybe that’s all we’ve been doing

       trying to fly without wings

       is that so wrong? feeling alive off of accomplishing borrowed dreams?

Kayleigh:

       It’s not wrong

       But it’s also not truth

Evan:

       thats what lorde did. her freaking NAME is a reference to shiny tales of royalty she put on a pedestal

       “let me live that fantasy”

       what the fuck is truth then

Kayleigh:

       You don’t sound like a child. You sound like you’re desperate to be

Evan:

       is it really so simple and plain as being a dad? quite literally the most commonplace thing in the world?

Kayleigh:

       But it’s your dream

       That is what will make you happy

Evan:

       as being just another human

       wow it’s all coming out today

Kayleigh:

       Think of what Annie said

Evan:

       i’ve never told anyone that

       gonna just make sure the theme of that is addressed real quick

       i think that i’ve thought being a normal human is worthless. i’ve been trying to be better than an individual human, than living a single self made dream, by consuming other peoples dreams and living them all

       i think i find humans small time

       how disgusting is that

       i am one

       no wonder i have such an inferiority complex

       no wonder i put so little stake into who i am

Kayleigh:

       But you need to accept it

       Accept that you are human and that your dreams are valid too

Evan:

       are the realest, truest, happiest people really that simple then

       i know the answer

       it’s yes

       i’ve known that for a while

       i didn’t want to accept it

       i think i still don’t but i’m definitely starting to

       how long is this gonna take

       this is a literal 180

       and i know it’s the right way to go but

       i’ve been doing this so long, and the whole way lying to myself

       what if i decide i wont accept it

Kayleigh:

       Then you don’t accept yourself

       You now know that this is who you are

       If you don’t allow yourself your own dreams, then you will always be an empty shell looking to be filled

Evan:

       can i have both? greatness and uniqueness and my own dreams?

       or can i not cause i’m just evan

       …is lorde unhappy and empty underneath it all?

Kayleigh:

       Your dreams are great and unique

       Probably

Evan:

       you’re probably right

Kayleigh:

       A lot of people are

Evan:

       yeah

Kayleigh:

       Especially celebrities

Evan:

       life is not that loud and magnificent

       content life

       humans have been entranced by shiny, pretty things for all of history

       what is REALLY shiny, what is REALLY beautiful?

       the things that are to me

       thats what this conversation has led to

       that conclusion

       reality

       real reality

Kayleigh:

       And it is one of the hardest things to see

Evan:

       kayleigh all of the things that i love, all my favorite things

       are about this

       bakemonogatari

       ayn rand

       lorde

       grouplove

       every top notch, top shelf thing has this theme

       “is it more important to be real or grand? is happiness or contentness what make a life special? is the fake realer than the real thing? is reality enough? is MY reality enough? is it wrong to think it’s not? is it right to think it is?”

       and everything in between

       what if what you want isn’t reality? is it a false want? should you not go after it cause it isn’t yours?

       will you not be happy if you do?

       is that even important?

       what is happiness isn’t your goal? does that make you evil? inhuman? wrong?

       what if it is? does that make you boring? does it mean you accept the fact that we are inconsequential stardust? am i really okay with that?

       fuck kayleigh this is it

       it’s all been leading up to this

       everything in my life

       if i asked my grandma this, we know what she’d tell me

       she’s such a realist

       she’s been to hell and back and back again. she’s faced just about every torturous reality a human could possibly face

       maybe she’s too old to remember what this feels like. or maybe she had such a terrible childhood she couldn’t get passed reality and never got to experience things like dreams or grandness

       does that mean she’d be right?

       i’m not her. i haven’t been through all of that

       does that make this any less significant?

       of any less value

       i don’t have an answer

       i can’t blame myself for feeling like this

       it’s the fucking hallmark of humanity

       it’s literally the entire crux of everything

       we reach for the stars and burn up in their splendor

       or we accept ourselves and live the lives we were given

       i don’t know which is better

Kayleigh:

       Each of your experiences have equal value and significance because they are your entire lives. To answer all of your questions above, just because someone doesn’t share your dreams and core needs doesn’t make them wrong or inhuman, it makes them their own person. Just as yours don’t make you insignificant. You are an individual and everyone is different. The way you feel is different than another person even with the same dream. You just need to see the glory and splendor in your own dreams

       You said before “what is REALLY shiny, what is REALLY beautiful?”

Evan:

       that’s what i’m saying

       what if my dreams aren’t reality

Kayleigh:

       What if to you that is your child’s eyes

Evan:

       what if they’re not possible

       what if i don’t want to accept this wingless back

Kayleigh:

       That doesn’t make you less than someone whose answer is gold or music

Evan:

       what if icarus never felt better getting melted alive and falling from the greatest heights he could reach

Kayleigh:

       Why would you not accept yourself

       He felt alive because his dream was freedom

Evan:

       what if THATS the answer i choose

       freedom

       is that it?

       or is freedom accepting the things we can’t change

       or is it forcing the things we can’t change to be changeable

       airplanes, ships, nuclear energy

       the power of the fucking sun

Kayleigh:

       Freedom is following your own path

       Whatever it may be

       But it should be yours

Evan:

       and my path so far apparently doesn’t lead to any of that

Kayleigh:

       Not an imitation

Evan:

       i can’t make it happen

       i haven’t been able to yet

       i have zero proof it’s possible

Kayleigh:

       What if I told you that I have the same dream as you

       Do you look down upon me

       Are my dreams insignificant in the grand scheme of things

Evan:

       No

       I can’t

       You’re your own person

       Why is the only person i can’t accept myself

Kayleigh:

       Do you not believe in them because they could be so much more?

Evan:

       You got me there

       This is so frustrating

       This is most frustrating fucking thing of my entire life

       Probably of everyones

Kayleigh:

       I have come to accept my own dreams despite what they could be and despite what others may think of them

       There’s your proof

Evan:

       No

       That’s YOU’RE answer

       I don’t know what mine is yet

Kayleigh:

       So you’re learning

Evan:

       Yes

       Idk what the sounds in my mind yet are

       They could be all the coulds and shoulds

       but they could also not be

       is that what you’re saying

       they could be loud and grand and they could be small and nice

       so

       its only the wrong choice if you self-contradict?

       holy shit i think i get it

Kayleigh:

       It’s only the wrong choice if it feels wrong. If you still feel empty at the end of the day

Evan:

       Thats it

       That’s fucking it

       That’s what I’ve been trying to say

Kayleigh:

       So use the empty feeling as a guiding system

Evan:

       Oh my god

       Hannah

Kayleigh:

       And don’t scoff upon yourself if it’s not where you thought you’d end up

Evan:

       Kayleigh this is the answer to Hannah too

       I felt completely empty at the very end when she walked away

       And i felt terrible about it after cause it wasn’t were i wanted to end up

       it wasn’t loud and grand like i hoped we’d turn into and when i let that go i accepted that reality

       and i hated that i did

       *it wasn’t fulfilling like I hoped it’d be

       and the moment i accepted that i lose that dream

       jesus fucking christ

       okay

       so now i have a new fear

       which i guess would be the cause of everything all along. isn’t it

       i’m afraid of not finding anything that doesn’t make me feel empty

       i’m so afraid i haven’t wanted to search for myself in my own reality so i’ve stolen others’

       i’m afraid i’ll never be able to search hard enough i’ll find it. not just that it’s too hard to find, but that i’m not good enough to find it

       that MY shiny and dazzling things are out of reach

       i think that fear is the monster that’s swallowed me up my entire life

       that they’re out of reach because I’m not good enough

       it’s back to that then

       it’s back to being controlled by fear or rejection

       fear of rejection*

       and i think with that i’ve solved the why of humanity

       we’ve solved the why of humanity hahaha

       give me some input dude

       am i missing anything?

Kayleigh:

       That’s a question for yourself

Evan:

       what do you mean

Kayleigh:

       Are you missing anything

Evan:

       i don’t think so.

       my hesitation comes from the same fear i was just talking about

       i believe this is a universal thing

       i’m hoping it is

       i’m looking for confirmation that this is resonating with you too

Kayleigh:

       Yes

Evan:

       that you feel or have felt the same way

       okay

       the question is still the same in terms of myself- no. this is the extent of my analytic skills and soul searching with everything that’s been said

       but i value your skill and soul searchy wizardry too

       so i’m asking you if you think i missed anything

       cause idk where the fuck i’d be without your input right now

Kayleigh:

       I think that you are still avoiding the acceptance of yourself, and you probably will for awhile

Evan:

       i think it’s more like i don’t know if the things i am right now are actually who i really am

       cause my whole life has been dancing to the tune of that fear

       there;s some truth in there and i’m going to find it and when i do i’m going to do everything in my power to accept it

       i’m probably going to avoid accepting it for a while, like you said. i hope it doesn’t take too long, but i think this is a good step

       this is a big one

       i need to learn to trust myself really

       to really be in tune with what my soul is telling me

       and don’t dismiss it or not accept it

       that takes trust

       i’m ready to start trying to do that now

Kayleigh:

       Good

Evan:

       even if it’s small

       even if i think other people would think it’s shameful

       i have to push past that fear

       i’m back to square one again: do my job, and make opportunities to find things that make me feel full

Kayleigh:

       And I know that you can do it

Evan:

       And now I have the why

       I know I shouldn’t need it bit

       That’s who i am

       And I don’t envy you

       Cause I’m not you

       I can do it

       We really do make a good team

Kayleigh:

       This is why we’re best friends

Evan:

       ❤️

       Okay

       Time to stop talking about it and start living it