#except that weird smut for a fanfic gift exchange

[estellamiraiauthor]

The Stars May Rise and Fall: The Annotated Re-read (Chapter 14)

So here we are. Chapter 14, aka the one I literally drank an entire bottle of wine just trying to get the first horrible draft on paper. And no, for the record, I am not one of those people who just drinks an entire bottle of wine with dinner on a regular basis. The first draft was an incomprehensible mess, and this therefore has the honor of being one of the few chapters that has just about NOTHING left of the original version.

As always, spoilers under the cut, including spoilers for chapters beyond this one.

Chapters 14 and 15 were both horrible to write, but for very different reasons. 15 was bad because I had to get into some uncomfortable character headspace to do it. 14 was more uncomfortable because it was the closest to a sex scene I had ever written, and while I’m not sex repulsed, I’m also just… not good at titillation? I don’t like reading sex scenes unless they also contribute to plot or characterization, and I really can’t write them at all.

Lucky for me, I guess, that this isn’t a sex scene?

Teru and Rei both THINK it’s going to be, though, because why else would they end their date with a long, painful walk to a love hotel? The place is called “Rakuen”, which means “Paradise”, and yes, that’s exactly a nod to what you think it is. Unlike the live houses and CD shops, this isn’t modelled on any one specific real-life place, but is definitely based on on a couple of real-life love hotels I’ve visited.

Love hotels tend to be simultaneously both really nice and really tacky. If you’re OK with all the lights being tinted pink and the bathtub being made of gold glitter, you’ll get a bigger and more comfortable hotel room for less money than you would at a “legitimate” hotel. I tried to sort of convey that in the description here. The place is shaped like an amusement park castle, but inside it actually is kind of nice?

The actual process of selecting a room varies from place to place, and is probably more high-tech these days, but the system they use here—lighted photos of each room that go dark when someone is using them—is something I actually saw being used around the time the story is set. This particular hotel's reception is unmanned, and Teru mentally comments that a fully-staffed love hotel wouldn’t let two men enter together. I’m not actually sure if that’s true. It’s something I was told, ages ago, that they only allowed two people, one man and one woman, to enter together, so if you wanted to use one for queer sex or just to sleep alone if you missed the last train, you needed to find one that had an automated check-in. I’m not actually sure if that was true, and I hope if it ever was, it’s better now… but even if it wasn’t 100% true, we’re in Teru’s point of view and we can just assume that someone told him the same thing?

There are a couple of little things here that show how Teru is learning HOW he can help Rei without pissing him off. The room key drops into a slot that Teru has to bend down to reach—something that would be more difficult for Rei, but rather than OFFERING to help, Teru just bends down and gets it. That’s something he starts to do a lot over the next few chapters… if he ASKS, Rei will say no, but if he just DOES stuff, it seems to go over better.

They get to the room, and there’s a moment here that I really like where we look at the difference between their goth-y boots. Rei’s are ridiculously complicated, requiring the loosening of multiple buckles to get off, while Teru’s have elastic on the sides that let him slip them off easily. I think you can read this two ways: Either Rei’s boots are something he’s owned for a long time and isn’t willing to give up, or… maybe he bought them BECAUSE they’re difficult. He’s so worried that people are going to think that he does a certain thing BECAUSE of his disabilities that he goes in the opposite direction—choosing difficult things BECAUSE they are difficult, so no one ever gets the chance to think of him as anything other than perfectly capable.

As a possibly unintended benefit, though, leather buckles that can be tightened to fit probably also kind of help those boots function as imperfect ankle braces of a sort, which will kind of come up again later but isn’t really important here.

Even before they get in the room, Teru starts to hesitate. It feels ominous and final when he sees the light above the door turn from blue to red, to show that the room is occupied, and then it feels really final again when Rei asks him to sit down on the bed.

And then we get into the undressing. I actually… am somewhat proud of this scene, in the version that ultimately went into print. I think there’s a lot going on here… it does sort of read as a lead-up to a sex scene that never happens, but I think there are a couple different layers to this, and a lot of “Can I do this? Is this ok?” between the two of them. I think that’s partly “Are you comfortable with this in an intimate sense?” but also, “Does this hurt you?” and a bit of “Can I touch your probably expensive medical orthotics that I have no idea how to use and am afraid I might break?”

(One thing that I do wish I had made more explicit on the page: Teru has probably never really met a young (i.e. not elderly) person with a disability before... in Japan, even disabled kids whose disabilities are purely physical and don’t interfere with their ability to learn at all generally go to “special needs” schools, and job opportunities and things were VERY limited until recently... he literally has no fucking clue what he’s doing, no one’s ever taught him what is and isn’t polite to ask, etc.)

Teru does tell Rei directly to let him know if anything he does hurts, and Rei’s answer was originally supposed to be the tagline for the whole thing: “It hurts when you touch me, but it hurts even more when you don’t.”

This is another “not entirely true” thing of course, but the worst of Rei’s pain doesn’t really depend on touch—it’s chronic pain from nerve damage, and while there are probably things that Teru COULD do to really hurt him if he wanted to, it’s not likely that his careful touch here would harm anything, and “it hurts even more when you don’t” is clearly a reference to emotional, rather than physical, pain. Poor Rei hasn’t really been touched in an intimate or even friendly way by anyone but Teru in five and a half years… he’s definitely very touch starved.

So Teru undresses Rei first. One thing I do remember adding in a fairly late draft was when he touches Rei’s bad arm and asks if he can feel it. Rei doesn’t really answer, but he says “Would it repulse you if I said no?” I think that’s a really important moment for Teru… first of all because it DOES clearly mean no, he can’t feel anything, but I think it’s also a little shocking because while Teru does see that as SAD, he definitely doesn’t see it as REPULSIVE, and the fact that Rei actually expects repulsion (and is possibly repulsed by the idea himself... Rei is 1000% the most ableist character in this story) makes him even sadder.

ANYWAY, Teru undresses Rei down to his underwear (plus the mask and wig) and then Rei does the same to Teru… and this is where they both start to hesitate.

It’s very mutual, I think, when they decide to stop, to not force SEX per se, but to turn first to other forms of intimacy. For Teru, I think it’s PARTLY still the idea that Gay Sex Is Scary, but beyond that, I really think he just HASN’T had sex with anyone he really cared about before. This is new, and the stakes are just a lot higher than with the girls he pretty much slept with because he felt like he should. (Please see Jim Steinman’s lovely Safe Sex for inspiration.) And I think it’s actually a relief for Rei to realise that, because it’s a huge step for him too, and neither of them are ready. When Teru says “I am [ready]. I want to be.”, Rei immediately goes cold and distant. I never really explain why on the page, but I think something about when Teru said there reminds him of Saki, of something Saki (who was also younger and less experienced) said at some point in the past, and lets him know that he isn’t ready for this step, either.

So they kiss instead, and lie down together to just talk and be together… which seems like a good thing to do before having sex, if it’s someone you really want more than just a physical relationship with, and Teru asks Rei to let him see his face.

And Rei says yes, because this has to be consensual, even though he definitely doesn’t seem excited about it.

And then we have the chapter break, because who’s NOT going to say “Just one more chapter” at midnight for that? (Yes, I’m evil. Sorrynotsorry?)

[almaasi]

Here’s a handy post with ALL 15 of the Destiel fics I posted this year!! (Total word count for the year: 366,181.)

2017 has been a year of drama, demisexual Cas, and dogs. (Seriously, a LOT of dogs.) Wow, I did awesome - and I think my personal health journey is well-reflected in the topics, from depression recovery and weirdness in January to fluff and smut in the last months of the year.

I hope you enjoy reading these even more than I enjoyed writing them ♥

✦ Mostly In Silence · 4k · G · hurt-comfort + depression recovery

Dean returns home to the bunker, only to find Castiel is lost in a deep depression. Taking their cues from the night sky (perhaps holding hands, perhaps sharing their first kiss), Dean helps Castiel rediscover a small but shining sense of hope.

✦ Lucid Nightmare · 10k · T · basically weird meta about fanfic AUs

there’s fire in this city // sirens, ghosts, and earthquakes // one night, you protect me // and we run until dawn breaks //

Or:

A spooky, fluffy, mind-warping existential-themed half-fic half-poem, in which Dean saves siren!Cas from a real-life waking nightmare and drives him to Bobby’s house for safety. But as Cas reveals more about himself and his past, Dean comes to realise he has to let his new winged friend enter his mind and dreamwalk, or else Cas will die.

✦ A Place and a Feeling · 24k · NC-17 · fluffy drama + domesticity + smut

Human AU. Dean Winchester still hasn’t found the perfect little house in the suburbs he’s always dreamed of. On the off-chance that another meeting with his totally adorkable realtor could finally change everything, Dean keeps going back to Castiel’s agency. Like Cas always says, home is both a place and a feeling. But what if the place Dean’s looking for is Castiel’s house, and the feeling is Castiel himself? Sometimes the most unprofessional choices lead to the most enjoyable personal consequences. This is one of those times.

✦ Our Garden Home · 36k · G · cute overload fairy AU

Flower fairy Dean has caught a thief in his trap. As it turns out, it wasn’t a mouse stealing his food. It was Castiel: a hissy, bitey bat sprite with one wing and a forlorn, lonely heart. Dean offers a warm space in his nest, where Castiel can stay until Springtime comes around again. However, Castiel becomes more than just a guest. With a little effort, he helps make Dean’s nest a home.

✦ Night Exhibition · 27k · NC-17 · friends to lovers + smut (rimming!)

Welcome to the world’s most generic museum. In the café, you’ll find Dean, putting dinosaur cut-outs on his award-winning apple pies. In the gift shop, you’ll find his snarky yet devastatingly handsome friend Castiel, folding t-shirts for a living. But Castiel has a second job as a night watchman, patrolling the marble halls and protecting the museum exhibits after dark. One night, Dean asks to tag along. He could never resist a crisp blue uniform, and he’ll take any opportunity to have his friend show it off. It might take all night, one dance, and a playful sex act (or five) in a few unusual places around the museum before either of them realise… maybe Dean’s interest was never about the uniform. And maybe their friendship was already something else.

✦ What We Ache For · 93k · NC-17 · hurt-comfort + domesticity

Working as a prostitute (that’s ‘sex worker’ to the decent folks), Castiel has heard more than his fair share of odd requests. When he’s paid to spend a night with Dean Winchester (handsome, dork of all dorks, has a nice car… secretly a cop), the last thing Castiel expects to hear are the words “I wanna make love.” That’s the one thing he’s never done before – so Dean is going to show him how to do it. But then, barely a month after that night is over, Castiel finds himself in a difficult situation, and Dean is mistakenly summoned to help. They begin to share again: Dean’s apartment, the spare bed, their deepest secrets. Over time, with the support of Dean’s brother Sam, a mystery dog, and lots of cuddles, kisses, comfort, and tea, maybe Cas can finally be loved the way he deserves.

✦ Purple Horse in a Coffee Shop · 8k · G · fun & silly office romance

Nobody expects to see a purple horse at a Pride parade. So, naturally, Dean Winchester is surprised to meet his office co-worker and long-term crush, Castiel, riding atop a magnificent steed - and dressed in full wizard regalia, no less. Somehow, Cas thinks he (and his decked-out horse) are wearing grey. They visit a coffee shop with their friends and family, trying to get to the bottom of this mix-up - and apparently the purple horse is coming too.

“One medium black coffee with two sugars; one macchiato; three small soy lattes; one large decaf with a caramel shot - and ten apples, please.”

✦ Unconditional · 2k · T · hurt-comfort + meta about Dean & John Winchester

Over the years, Dean’s learned a lot about himself, and the way he loves those around him. Now Cas is back from the dead, and he came back human - and hurt. As Dean soothes Cas’ wounds in the front seat of the Impala, an ache in his heart drives him to find words to explain.

✦ The Wireless · 58k · NC-17 · solar punk + the most holy-shit thing I have ever written imo

Cas Novak hosts a popular radio show, entertaining hunters with his psychic powers. But, in a world where monster-hunting is commonplace, he harbours a powerful secret: he’s not human, but an angel, surviving in a society unsympathetic to his kind. For six years, Cas has read out news stories describing a particularly impressive man: Dean Winchester, distinguished hunter and accidental prophet of God. Not by chance, Cas meets Dean at a sunny autumn carnival, where Dean’s taken a job at a kissing booth. One kiss - perhaps two - and they’re already old friends, sharing fairground food, a carousel ride, another kiss on the ferris wheel… Finally, safe in the tent Dean shares with his brother, Castiel feels comfortable enough to reveal those unknown pieces of himself. But come morning, bigger events separate the trio: an ancient beast is waking up, and a fearful world desperately needs to be united. Now Castiel has a reason to confess his true nature, broadcasting live on Hunter Radio. Of course, Dean is listening. And it’s only a matter of time before he replies.

✦ Marshmalloween · 33k · T · lighthearted “teenagers vs. a haunted swamp” adventure

In an attempt to be the world’s coolest guardian, Dean takes his seventeen-year old brother Sam and all his friends to a ‘haunted’ swamp for Halloween night. Even if the ghost stories are a load of baloney, at least the alligators are real. Dean is unexpectedly reunited with his childhood friend (and crush) Castiel, kickstarting a fun night of Halloween antics - marshmallow toasting, bottle spinning, kiss exchanging, and spooky storytelling around the campfire. But when Sam and his dog both go missing, Dean realises the stories his mother once told him are all true. Monsters are real. And unless Dean, Cas, and all of Sam’s friends can figure out how to bring Sam back, he might be lost forever.

✦ Restaurant Revelations · 4k · G · fluffy relationship reveal

Dean and Cas have something important to tell Sam. They don their cheap rental tuxes, and Cas takes out dinner reservations at an exclusive restaurant just for the occasion. Sam is surprised enough when he and Cas make it through the door. But Dean shows up five minutes late, and the restaurant’s security protocols surely make it impossible for him to join them. The secret password is “fiancé”. And somehow Dean knows without being told.

✦ Stumble and Fall · 20k · G · dog adventures + cuddles

Dog AU. Ever since Dean was a puppy, training to be the world’s best sniffer dog, he hasn’t been able to sleep alone. His newest mission takes him well out of his comfort zone: he’s teamed up with a search-and-rescue mutt named Castiel (who, presumably, still has the vet’s thermometer stuck up his ass). But Dean was never built for snowy mountains – and only by snuggling up tight will he and Castiel share enough heat to make it through the night. Except, once Dean is home safe, he finds himself pining for his canine friend…

✦ Pretty Panties and the Pool Shark · 6k · G · kid fic

Castiel is beginning to understand how deceitful his fellow ten-year-olds can be. All the other boys in his swim class keep trying to convince him that there’s a live shark in the pool. And now Dean’s claiming that the panties in his bag belong to his sister, when Castiel knows for a fact that Dean doesn’t have a sister. Castiel is sick of being lied to. But, once Dean reveals a few truths, perhaps they can find a way to make sure the other kids’ teasing comes back to bite them - so to speak.

✦ Whoa There Cowboy · 5k · NC-17 · cowboy kink smut

If you’re gonna jerk off, watch something you find sexy, Dean said. There’s a dirty cowboy movie on TV, and that suits him perfectly. But he never expected that Cas would want to watch him.

✦ The Emporium of Christmas Enchantments · 28k · G · Christmas magic + cute overload

Every night when the clock strikes twelve, all the toys in the toymaker’s workshop come to life. Dean is a little wooden soldier, so easily distracted by the pretty dolls. However, in the nights leading up to Christmas, he feels drawn to a very different kind of toy: Castiel, a kindhearted cowboy displayed on the other side of the store. Dean and Castiel spend all their time together, spreading joy and festive cheer throughout their miniature community. But once the Christmas rush comes around, will fate allow them to stay together? (Perhaps… with a little sprinkling of Christmas magic, even the wishes of simple toys can come true.)

[jonryatrash]

Gifting of Needle Meta

So even though Jon II is scheduled for next week’s reread, I couldn’t help myself. This scene is so damn important for Jonrya, and it deserves its own meta treatment outside of the other events of Jon II and Arya II. 

I’m just going to dive into this chronologically rather than thematically this time around and offer comments as I go. 

“I have one more farewell to make,” Jon told [Robb].

Look, Jon saves his final goodbye for Arya. Jon subjects himself Catelyn’s wrath to say goodbye to Bran--and we know he dreaded this goodbye because Catelyn would be there--before he’s willing to say goodbye to Arya. It’s important to him that she’s last. Guys, it’s important that she’s the last memory he’ll have of Winterfell and his childhood.

Nymeria was helping...But when she smelled Ghost, she sat down on her haunches and yelped at them.

Arya glanced behind her, saw Jon, and jumpted to her feet. She threw her skinny arms tight around his neck.

In my Jon I and Arya I meta I talked about how they interact with one another like they do with their wolves (ruffling hair/fur, etc.), but their wolves also interact with each other in ways that Arya and Jon do. This is the second instance (Arya I the first) where Nym happily follows Ghost or stops what she’s doing to interact with Ghost. Much like Nym, Arya stops packing, sees Jon, and immediately jumps into his arms. 

“I was afraid you were gone,” she said, her breath catching in her throat. “They wouldn’t let me out to say good-bye.” 

So Arya is desperate to say goodbye to Jon (remember, he’s meant to have left an hour before Jon II begins), and she’s outright refused. This instills a fear in her and distresses her so much that she nearly cries when she finds out that Jon hadn’t left without telling her goodbye. 

“...I have something for you to take with you, and it has to be packed very carefully.”

Her face lit up. “A present?”

“You could call it that. Close the door.” 

Wary but excited, Arya checked the hall.

The privacy that the exchange demands is the first of a few telling things about this scene. “Close the door” and “wary, but excited”--without context, those two bits of writing are easily read as sexual. Even with context though, it speaks to the thrilling, intimate nature of what’s about to happen. 

By then Jon had pulled off the rags he’d wrapped it in. He held it out to her.

Arya’s eyes went wide. Dark eyes, like his. “A sword,” she said in a small, hushed breath.

So Jon and Arya have the Stark eyes, which are gray. I’ve never heard them described as dark eyes though? Except for here. (Maybe I’ll discover I’m wrong during the reread). The point being that we have dark or darkening eyes, which is a common enough trope in smut fanfic for anyone to read into the line. Eyes dark because of what’s seen is desirable--in this case, the sword. 

The scabbard was soft grey leather, supple as sin. Jon drew out the blade slowly...” 

Look, at this point you don’t even have to read into the sexual connotations. They’re right there. Phallic object being gifted, soft to the touch and supple as “sin.” Sin, people. Word choice. So soft as to be forbidden by the gods, yet too damn pleasurable for words. Sin. 

She giggled at him. “It’s so skinny.”

“So are you,” Jon told her.

Jon drawing attention to the shape of her body. Obviously Arya knows she’s skinny, so it seems like a rather pointless thing to say. Should we read that Jon’s had a blade made in her image, with her in mind? Again, there’s nothing platonic about what’s meant to be going down. 

“...it can poke him full of holes if you’re fast enough.” 

Penetrative imagery. 

He put the sword in her hands, showed her how to hold it, and stepped back. “How does it feel? Do you like the balance?”

I can imagine them front to back as Jon tries to position her arm and hand properly. Why else put in the bit about stepping back?

“First lesson,” Jon said. “Stick them with the pointy end.” 

Arya gave him a whap on the arm with the flat of her blade. The blow stung, but Jon found himself grinning like an idiot.

I have to leave Jon’s line here because it’s too iconic not to mention it. That she then hits him and hurts him and Jon kinda digs it? Well, I’ll leave that bit to the fic writers out there. 

Jon messed up her hair. “I will miss you, little sister.”

Suddenly she looked like she was going to cry. “I wish you were coming with us.” 

“Different roads sometimes lead to the same castle. Who knows?”

...

Arya ran to him for a last hug...She set [the sword] aside almost shyly and showered him with kisses.” 

More touching with the addition of kisses this time. They’re certainly very physical with one another even though it’s purely platonic at this point. The foreshadowing is there. Also, Arya is threatening to cry for the second time this chapter. What’s painful is that she loves and wants Jon to be with her so badly, and she’s likely the only person in the world who cares that much about Jon. 

“All the best swords have names.” 

...

“Does this sword have a name? Oh, tell me.”

“Can’t you guess?” Jon teased. “Your very favorite thing.”

Arya seemed puzzled after first. Then it came to her. She was that quick. They said it together: 

“Needle!”

Again, another icon line at the top. What I love about ASOIAF is that Jon names Arya’s sword. It’ll be a remarkable sword because of the girl who wields it, a notable sword as famous as Ice. What’s more, by naming it Needle, it’s as if Jon’s gifting her a kind of femininity that Septa Mordane, Catelyn, and Sansa & co. denied her in Arya I. She will be proficient in needlework. Needlework and dancing became covers for her swordplay, and it’s Jon that allows her to appeal to these womanly arts. It’s meaningful. 

The memory of her laughter warmed him on the long ride north.

As one of the ladies in Jonrya chat brought up a few days ago, it’s kinda weird for the memory of your sister’s laughter to keep you “warm” on a long ride through some frigid terrain. And if we substitute “laughter” for “kiss”--more narratively appropriate, though not quite age appropriate for them at the moment--the sentence still retains its meaning. 

So basically this scene amounts to about twenty different levels of foreplay for Jonrya and GRRM’s readers. 

If you’ve read this entire meta and think that Needle is anything other than Jon Snow’s dick, well, I can’t help you at that point. The writing is on the wall. 

Needle was Jon Snow’s dick. - Arya II, AFFC, probably. 

[lethesomething]

A writer tag thing

I was tagged by @tottwritesfanfic and it’s an excuse to talk about fanfic. Let's do this!

1. How did you come up with your username and what does it mean?

Uh. Um. Since I am an Old, this username has existed since forever, and acquiring it involved a goth themed IRC chat room and some virtual naked table dancing. The Lethe refers to the River of Oblivion in ancient Greek Underworld mythology, because again, I was Very Goth at the time. I'd… I'ma leave it at that.

2. Which fanfic of yours has the most feedback? (bookmarks/subscriptions/hits/kudos).

That'll be Chocolate Hearts. It's not the one with the most hits, because it's not porn, but it's getting there, considering it was only posted in August. That whole fic was such an incredible experience, because I was getting daily feedback from people as I was writing publishing it.

3. What is your AO3 profile icon, and why did you choose it?

It's Shimizu Kiyoko, because I still mostly write Haikyuu, and because she's awesome (and I, too, wish to be awesome).

Let’s put a cut here because this is Long.

4. Do you have any regular/favourite commenters?

I'd rather not name names, but I met at least one of my friends through AO3 comments. There's also a commenter whose style I liked so much that I started copying it for comments on other people's work. I absolutely notice when people drop by regularly, and I love every one of those people. I try to follow them back. There are few feelings more rewarding to me as a writer than seeing someone like one of my stories, and then go through the other ones I wrote for that fandom.

 5. Is there a fanfic that you keep going back to read again and again?

I don't regularly re-read fics, because I have enough trouble keeping up with fiction I feel like I *should* be reading. In that sense, the ones I keep going back to are the long ones I'm subscribed to. Bell, book and candle is my go-to plane fic for when I'm travelling, for instance. It's a 1k page pdf on my phone and I try to go back and comment on the chapters I finished when I get to a computer (or like three months later, most likely).

6. How many stories are you subscribed to? How many do you have bookmarked?

*Opens statistics page* I don't so much subscribe to stories, as I do to people. And I'm apparently subscribed to 22 people. I have 33 bookmarks, but that's mostly because sometimes I'll go back through my history and bookmarks stuff that I still like a few months later.

7. Which AU do you find yourself writing the most?

Urban fantasy. That seems to be the AU where my mind goes into every single direction and comes back with 60k worth of words every time. Also, a disproportionate amount of characters in my fics end up being bakers or baristas. So, uh, make of that what you will.

8. How many people are subscribed and bookmarked to you in total? (you can view this on the stats page)

Um, I have 36 user subscriptions. 299 bookmarks. And 117 subscriptions to various fics.

9. Is there something you’d like to write about but are afraid of people judging you for it? (Feeling brave? If so, share it!)

Well, there's always stuff you come up with that maybe shouldn't be put to paper. When it comes to very self-indulgent, or very smutty, I try to stay my hand. I struggled a long time with whether or not I should publish any smut at all, because I don't want like… my colleagues to find it. What I ended up with, was several fail safes, and the promise to myself that I would only write… acceptable smut (so no werewolf orgies for you! not that I, uh, would write them otherwise).

10. Is there anything you would like to be better at? Writing certain scenes or genres, replying to comments, updating better, etc.

So, uh, the very specific reason I started writing smut at all, was because that is the hardest thing to do. For me. Sex is, a lot of the time, awkward and funny and feely and there's a lot of emotions and actions going on, and I very specifically do not want to write lifeless mechanical porn sex. Because that's not what I'm here for. But that's difficult. I write to have the kind of stuff I want to Read, and I'm very friggin picky when it comes to smut, so it takes me longer to write 1k of smut than it does to write 20k of teen rated fluff. I wish I was better on that front.

11. Do you write rarepairs or popular ships more often?

It's a mixed bag. I'm pretty sure me and @leeva-art  are the pioneers of all ShinToko content. And I did that whole SugaTen one. Looking through the list, I actually did a fair amount of rarepair shorts. I kinda like writing rarepairs because there's a lot more of the dynamic for me to explore.  But I'm currently writing a series full of popular ships (YamaYachi, DaiSuga, KageHina, IwaOi), because sometimes, those are popular for a reason. To be honest, I think the ship I write most is 'x reader', and I'm fairly certain that's an under-reported popular ship.

12. How many stories have you posted on AO3 to this day (finished and unfinished)?

I have 21 works on AO3 in total. All of those are finished one-shots or multichapters, except the one I'm currently working on. Yes, I'm proud of this :P.

13. How many stories do you have saved in/with your writing program?

Oh god. So apart from the current multichapter one I have… one longish romance story that's been gathering dust for two years (The Aomine. I swear I will finish it one day), and… about four smut shorts in various states of unfinished-ness. And an Aizawa short that is like smut in the sense that it's a lot of action and feels and I'm Struggling.

14. Do you write down story ideas, or just keep them in your head?

I do both. I'm a bit of a daydreamer, so I like to play ideas and scenarios in my head for a while, and then I jot them down when they've grown enough. But I'm also a talker, and anyone who has chatted with me for any length of time probably knows that an Idea can take root in a convo and I basically talk it out and two months later there's a massive fic brewing. My brain is an overexcited puppy.

15. Have you ever co-authored a story?

Nope. It's not that I don't want to, I'm just not sure how that would work practically.

16. How did you discover AO3?

It's all Rin's fault. I pretty much only got into fanfic after watching Free! and discovering the joys of tumblr. Fairly certain I discovered AO3 while looking for Quality SouRin.

17. Do you consider yourself to be a popular or famous author in your fandom(s) on AO3?

Ahahahaha…no.

18. Do you have a nickname or fandom name for your readers?

That would be weird? I'm not Lady Gaga.

19. Was there an author who inspired or encouraged you to write?

I've been writing since I was a little girl. So the first stories I wrote were probably inspired by that one teacher I had when I was eight, that kept saying I was good at this. But I remember in my teens, wanting to write like Anthony Horowitz, and later like Terry Prattchett, or Douglas Adams. As for writing fanfic, that is the fault of Aleramicci and A Shadow so Great. That was the first time I saw someone take that level of world building and lore creation and character development, and spin it into this… epic tale. Because I have always imagined scenarios and characters in my day dreams, I was creating alternate endings for the Three Musketeers at 13, but I didn't think anyone else was willing to read them. I thought fanfic was, well, smut. And she showed me that you can create worlds out of nearly nothing (please remember that 2014 League of Legends Lore was total shit), and do it Well, and write it well, and… ugh.

20. What writing advice would you give to a beginning author?

Ok, where's that meme. I think the main thing is… just do it. You've got stories, you write them. But know that it is work. Like every hobby, it takes time, it takes energy and effort. You need to Make that Time. Very few people can sit down and just have the words flow out of their fingers. For most, it's Work. Once you know that, and you make the conscious decision to do the work, you can get shit done.

21. Do you plot out your stories, or do you just figure it out as you go?

I try to plot up to a certain level but I leave room for a lot of improv. Like especially for longer fics, I'll have a vague idea of where the characters end up and what needs to happen for the finale to… happen. The actual scenes aren't plotted though. I write better when I just let the scene take me where it wants to go. I've learned a lot from the Lock, the Key and the Sacrifice, in that it was my first Very Long multichaptered fic and it was Mostly Improvised. This meant that some character development got lost, and that I had to write myself out of some weird situations but also, some of the best scenes in that fic are complete bursts of random inspiration. Since then, I've gotten a bit more organized. I use OneNote to jot down 'spur of the moment' scenes to slot into stories later, and to make time lines and character profiles and all that. The actual fic is still me opening the Word doc and going 'ok, it's day six in this story, what should happen today'.

22. Have you ever gotten a bad comment on a story? If so, what did you do?

I don't think so? AO3 readers are very nice and disciplined, I think. Either that or I've been very lucky. All I've gotten were a few comments that left me flustered, mostly along the lines of 'when are you updating', when I keep a very tight schedule. That sort of thing. I just leave those be.

23. Is there a certain type of scene that you have a hard time writing? (action, smut, etc..)

See above: smut.

24. What story(s) are you working on now?

Currently, My Girlfriend is a Goddess?!, which is a fantasy exchange gift that ballooned into a very long, multichapter and possibly trilogy book type thing.

25. Do you plan your next project(s) before you finish your current ongoing story(s)?

The Plan is to finish book one of My Girlfriend is a Goddess?! (the YamaYachi, aka the actual exchange gift), then take a break for some one-shots and whatnot, and then continue to book two (the DaiSuga one). So yes, I do try to stay somewhat disciplined. This isn't to say that inspiration can't strike like a vengeful god and I have to rearrange the whole thing. Chocolate Hearts happened while I was trying to work on the TenSuga, and it got written in like a month of furious typing. Shit just happens, man.

26. Do you have a daily writing goal set for yourself?

No. I have a very unstable work schedule, and sometimes I'm just tired. I try to get certain chapters finished on a weekly basis though. I learned with NaNo that when I try to write too much in one go, the output is also not that great. I need to write, and then do a whole bunch of editing, and then write again.

27. Do you think you’ve improved as a writer since you first started?

Things are certainly going smoother now than they did two years ago. It's a certain… confidence? I think? A rhythm you get into. I got wordier, too. Not sure if that's a good thing.

28. What is your favorite story that you’ve written?

This is hard. That is a hard question. For the longest time, my fave story was Balance. But if I read it now, it does show its age. So I'm going to say The lock, the key and the sacrifice. I will always be super proud of that, because that's my first and currently only 'book' and I worked a year and a half on it. Not every part of it is amazing, but there's some Pretty Good Parts and I just felt such an immense relief and… satisfaction on finishing it.

29. What is your least favorite story that you’ve written?

One of the first things I published was an Iwaizumi smut short. It's… ok, but it has some issues that I would iron out if I were to write it again.

30. Where do you see yourself (as a writer) in 5 years?

When I was little I had this Plan to write a bestseller and sell it to Hollywood and then buy a castle in Scotland and basically be JK Rowling, but I sincerely doubt that's going to happen. Goals, tho.

31. What is the easiest thing about writing?

Coming up with random shit that blossoms into big, huge ideas and worlds and complicated plot lines. Like… that happens without me trying.

32. What is the hardest thing about writing?

The bit where you sit down to write through a part you've been struggling with. Those few paragraphs that you need to connect scene A and scene B, for it to make logical sense.

33. Why do you write?

Because I like it. Because I enjoy building worlds and scenes and characters, and sharing them. Because like all kinds of creative work, it has gained me relationships and connections to people I resonate with. Also, ngl, for the kudos and the comments. I get a lot of joy from seeing people enjoying my work.

 The tagging part. Um, I dunno if @skittidyne has done this one yet.  Also the usual suspects: @bsinoranges, @haruhi02 and @thekuroiookami   Consider it a subtle nudge if anyone else wants to do this.

[thebarsondaily]

Secret Santa Exchange Participants (2017)

Tumblr: khughes830 (x) Favorite Episode: Lessons Learned or December solstice Favorite Barson Moment: Liv and the Barba’s Favorite Barson Trope: Forst kiss in an office What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): I’m not picky Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: the more Barson material that is out there the happier I am.

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Tumblr: the--beautiful--monster (x) Favorite Episode: Wednesdays Child Favorite Barson Moment: When Rafael got upset with Olivia in Undercover Mother, protective Barba. Favorite Barson Trope: I don’t really have one, but I love the fics I read when they’re a family. What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): (please note: this was left blank so I’m assuming this participant will take whatever you want to make)

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Tumblr: roseinutopia  (x) Favourite Episode: Hard question. But in the end, Barson-wise I guess it’s Twenty-Five Acts. Favourite Barson Moment: *starts crying in distress* there are so many… every time she called him Rafael or Rafa so far. When Liv told him about Sheila Porter and he jumped into action assuring her that nobody could take Noah away and tries to build her up though he doesn’t know about parenting. All the nods in the courtroom… every time they told each other that they can do something. Favourite Barson Trope: I guess everyone likes when their OTP is being trapped somewhere together for laughs and pushing them together, right 🤗 only me? Okay. Also I love everything Barson family, including the whole Barba family 😊 and maybe the squad as family too. What is your desired present: Fanfic or drabble collection, please 😊 Anything else you’d like your secret santa to know: Hey there. I love fluff and humour, so I would be over the moon if it were something like this. Also if you write family - I love Jesse and Noah being cute. Anyway, I’m looking forward to seeing what you’ll do in the end!

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Tumblr: r-o-s-e-h-i-p-s (x) Favorite Episode: SO MANY, but right now probably “Collateral Damages.” If we’re talking favorite Barson episodes specifically, either Favorite Barson Moment: I have a lot, but currently it’s that moment at the end of “Betrayal’s Climax” – a perp threatens Benson, and Barba is immediately furious and protective but still intimidated, so he directs his response to the perp’s lawyer (“you need to tell your client to shut his mouth”) – meanwhile Benson is cool as a cucumber and actually eggs the perp on a bit. I love when he forgets that she’s the more badass of the two and gets all puffed up on her behalf and meanwhile she’s like “I got this.” And how much he loves that she’s got this but is also infuriated when she puts herself in danger. This is turning into a whole long thing so I’ll stop now, you get the point. Favorite Barson Trope: Best friends to lovers!!!!!!! What is your desired present: Fic Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: I love hurt/comfort and long to see Barba cry. Because I love him. This makes sense.

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Tumblr: barsonaddict Favorite Episode: December Solstice Favorite Barson Moment: “Rafa” Favorite Barson Trope: Reveal of a long-running secret relationship What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): fanfic Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: I love having Noah and Lucia as part of the story, but it’s certainly not necessary.

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Tumblr: barbaxbenson  (x) Favorite Episode: October Surprise Favorite Barson Moment: "Disenchanted?“ from 18x21 Favorite Barson Trope: Deep talks at the bar What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): Anything would be great! But if it helps you with planning this out, I’ll take a fic :) Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: (optional) I picked kind of a fluffy favorite moment, but angst is also great! My other favorite Barson moments are when Rafael finds out about Tucker and when he tells her about Ashtonja.

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Tumblr: raul-e-esparza  (x) Favorite Episode: October Surprise and December Solstice Favorite Barson Moment: the “squabbling with you” moment Favorite Barson Trope: When everyone knows they love eachother except them, or the contrary, when nobody knows and they hide it until someone finds out by accident. What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): I love fics, but anything would be nice for me. Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: I havent seen the new season, and i dont know when i will be able to see it. So if I get a fic or soemthing like that, I would prefer if its set before that season.

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Tumblr: Amagicalshipper  (x) Favorite Episode: Know It All Favorite Barson Moment: The final scene of Know It All Favorite Barson Trope: Barson Family What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): fanfic! Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: I like happy ending ❤️

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Tumblr: FearlessBenson (x) Favorite Episode: Any where they actually have a conversation with each other 😂 Favorite Barson Moment: Barba standing up for nosh & Liv, back with Johnny D & now. When she calls him Rafi Favorite Barson Trope: Established Barson, Daddy Barba & little Noah What is your desired present: FanFic 

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Tumblr: motherbearof03 (x) Favorite Episode: that’s a question? They’re all wonderful. No seriously, I don’t know if I can think of one I don’t like. I am totally taken by these two characters. When I watch reruns, I don’t even pay attention to the plot anymore. I’m too busy watching their expressions, how close they stand to each other, the details in his clothes, the background items in their offices and homes. Well, her home because we’ve never seen his. Ooooooh, there’s an idea! Favorite Barson Moment: um, all of them, but honestly what is stuck in my head recently is when he asks if she’s involved with Tucker and then tells her “We’re done talking”. I feel like she just broke his heart and he wants to lose it on her and will if she doesn’t leave. Sorry, I can’t remember the episode name. Favorite Barson Trope: well I haven’t seen a bed sharing one, so… What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): surprise me! Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: (optional) oh hell idk. I’m totally new to tumblr and sometimes feel like I’m making as ass of myself because my daughters don’t get it (which totally think teenagers should!) my husband certainly doesn’t get it, and my friends IRL don’t get it, but thanks to you all I can do this and not have eyes rolled at me. Oh! You know what I might like to read? Cuz I’d feel a little weird writing myself in a fic, but it would be fun to read one where I met Olivia and we talked mom things. And about Barba of course! We are about the same age, my kids are just way older. (22, 15 and 14)

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Tumblr: notesfrome (x) Favorite Episode: S18E15 Know It All Favorite Barson Moment: The first time Liv called Barba “Rafael” and the hand over heart at the end of Know It All Favorite Barson Trope: Friends becoming lovers :) What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): fanfic, but I’m happy with anything, really. Anything else you’d like your Secret Santa to know: I am not opposed to smut…hahaha

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Tumblr: tribalvipe  (x) Favorite Episode: oh god…anything that makes him emotional or vulnerable Favorite Barson Moment: hand over the heart in Know it All and the nickname thing Favorite Barson Trope: friends to lovers? I’m honestly open to all tropes with this couple. What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): fic if possible but I like all types of Barson goodies

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Tumblr: scintillateworld (x) Favorite Episode: 18x15 Favorite Barson Moment: at the end of episode 18x15 where Olivia holds her hand over her heart and Barba looks back at her. Favorite Barson Trope: the looks they share in the courtroom. What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): fanfic

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Tumblr: cool-veggiesword (x) Favorite Episode: “Legitimate Rape” Favorite Barson Moment: Barba confiding in Benson in “Know It All,” the hand on heart scene Favorite Barson Trope: calling each other by name <3 and Barba touching Liv’s shoulder, (non-canon: blushing Barba) What is your desired present (fanfic, drabble sets, graphics, icons, etc.): fanfic or drabble set

13/14  (x) = gift received