#except rhodey who i guess decided to be evil for a day?????

[evilkitten3]

the thing about thor 1 and 2 that thor 3 missed is that the dynamic with thor and loki is an extremely unhealthy and toxic relationship between two people who genuinely adore each other but have been fucked over by circumstance and bad parenting (mostly bad parenting), to the point where it’s almost impossible for them to ever leave that toxicity behind.

loki openly admits to envying thor, but what he doesn’t say allowed until the end of the first movie is that he also resents him quite a bit. i’d guess it’s something he hadn’t allowed himself to think about, if only bc it’s actually very difficult to admit things like that to yourself. but loki internalizes his issues - he does his best to shove his own problems aside and not deal with them until they bubble up and force him to. thor does the opposite - he reacts immediately and instinctively right up until he’s forced to slow down and actively think things through.

when he was turned mortal and sent to earth, he suddenly couldn’t solve his problems by swinging a hammer at them - so instead he listened to jane and erik and grew because of it. but to loki’s eyes, it looks like a handful of mortals managed to teach thor something loki has been trying to teach him for centuries, without even trying all that hard. it’s the cherry on top of the “eat shit, kid” cake that loki’s dealing with in thor 1. he wants, more than anything, to be seen as thor’s equal in the eyes of his family, and this is like the asgardian equivalent of taking crappy financial advice from a toad right in front of your parent who’s been trying to teach you about taxes for the last five years now.

the inability to communicate goes both ways, of course. thor isn’t stupid, per se (although i’ll admit that i don’t believe in that concept in general for a plethora of reasons i won’t be getting into here), but he’s extremely unempathetic (which, y’know, mood) and loki really, really doesn’t like sharing his feelings. so thor takes what he sees at face value and loki doesn’t contradict him bc, again, he doesn’t like to talk about his problems.

nearly every scene between the two of them involves manipulation, and not always from loki (thor can actually be extremely manipulative, which is a side of him i wish we got to see explored more, but it makes sense given that both odin and frigga are constantly manipulating everyone all the time). but in spite of that, they still love each other so fucking much.

but even that’s unbalanced. bc while thor genuinely does love loki, he doesn’t need loki the way loki needs him. thor has other connections. and while losing loki devastates him every time, he’s always able to move on. to be clear, i don’t think that’s a bad thing - being able to move past the loss of a loved one doesn’t mean you loved them any less, although in thor’s case i think it’s more that he’s just choosing not to process his grief rather than having genuinely moved on. loki, on the other hand, only really has thor. thor’s friends don’t like him much - for reasons that aren’t really made clear, mostly bc thor’s friends just don’t get the development they deserve (which is fair, time constraints are a thing) - and he doesn’t really have anyone else. thor is his brother, but he’s also the only friend loki really has - and the only member of his ‘family’ that didn’t spend his entire life lying to him.

but thor doesn’t realize that bc he’s just not overly aware of loki’s situation - or, more accurately, it hasn’t occurred to him to think about it. one of the reasons thor is so relatable to me as a character is actually bc he’s just. not overly curious about people most of the time. other people’s situations don’t really occur to him unless he sits down and forces himself to consider them - and loki really doesn’t want thor to consider his situation. i think in part that that’s bc loki is waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak - he’s waiting to find out that thor knew he was a jotun all along or that finding out about that made him view loki as a monster or something. i doubt he even knows what specifically he’s waiting for.

the misunderstandings and resentment and love between them is what gave their relationship the weight that it had. the ripple effects of the schism between these two is still affecting the mcu’s storyline (if you can call it that) even now, over ten years of movies later. and ragnarok... didn’t have that. it just didn’t. whether you enjoyed it or not (i personally did, although i acknowledge that it’s deeply flawed and really doesn’t fit in with the thor franchise up to that point at all), the dynamic thor and loki had just didn’t make it into the movie. the emotional depth between them is gone. thor comes off as completely uncaring concerning his brother (and bruce, for that matter, but that’s a whole nother story) and loki comes off as... honestly, i’m not sure. the only way i can make loki’s sudden extreme shift in character make sense is if almost dying in thor 2 resulted in the oxygen to his brain getting cut off long enough to give him brain damage or something. which would’ve been another fascinating avenue to explore, but no such luck.

TDW is so underrated. It's literally the only thor movie to correctly follow up on the brodinsons' Thor1 characterization. The later movies missed a great opportunity to recreate -or even mention- the "Loki getting sucked into a Void & Thor terrified of it" (happening again) event. #i hc that Thor would have PTSD after literally watching his brother of 1073 years let go at the bifrost like THAT

yeah. TDW set up so much potential for a third movie where thor fully breaks with odin. and completes his character arc. but nope. Disney gotta ruin it. oh well. TDW is where it ends for me. so guess Loki's gonna be chilling on the throne forever. good for him.

[spidercakes]

Here’s a fun college (Tony)/high school (Peter) Tony/Peter AU :)

*

Ned looks suspicious and he totally shouldn’t, Peter makes good life choices except that one time he drunk made out with Flash but that’s half on Flash and it was back to the regularly scheduled Flash being a dick afterwards anyway. So really, it wasn’t like that bad life choice panned out any it was just a weak moment. “Since when are you dating someone?” he asks. Liz and MJ lean forward in interest but probably for different reasons. Peter doesn’t think MJ’s interest in people in crisis is normal but what’s he know?

“Since the weekend,” he says, smiling a little. Tony kind of has a reputation so he didn’t really know what was going on, and he’s in MIT so there’s that to consider but they worked it out eventually. Its not like he couldn’t afford all his gifts to Peter so he hadn’t really thought much of them even if he secretly hoped it meant something. Tony had admitted to enjoying spoiling him anyway because he always looked so surprised about it.

Predictably Ned looks offended about this. “You ditched building the Death Star with me to go hang out with your boyfriend?” he asks.

Which like, kind of. “Ned, we can build the Death Star another day,” he says without adding that Tony was only in town for a couple days anyway. Ned’s around all the time, Peter prioritized.

“But I wanted to build it Saturday,” he says, upset.

“Ned, we will have like four three day weekends coming up,” he points out. “We can build it then. Or procrastinate on our chemistry reports and build it instead of doing school work,” he points out. They both know that’s what they’re going to do because they both hate writing lab reports so he shouldn’t look so wounded.

“So how come we’ve never met this guy?” MJ asks.

“And how come you haven’t given him a name?” Liz adds.

Because Tony’s not in New York most of the time and he’s not telling his friends he’s dating Tony Stark Ned would have a heart attack and Peter’s not ready to live a Ned free life yet. Or ever.

“’Cus he doesn’t exist,” someone new says and they all turn to see Flash leaning out of his chair at the table across from them.

“He does so Flash, stop eavesdropping,” Peter tells him.

“Yeah, Parker? Okay, then. What’s his name? George Glass?” he says, incredulous.

“No, Tony Stark,” Peter says, just as sarcastic even though its true. Why is it that Flash can never mind his own business?

Flash snorts, “oh my god, could you imagine? Seriously, he would not stoop that low,” Flash says, fully confident despite the fact that Peter knows he’s wrong. He can’t help the small laugh he lets out, which obviously confuses Flash but whatever. “So what’s the guy’s name?” Flash asks, raising an eyebrow.

“None of your business, Flash. Go back to failing English,” Peter tells him. Its Flash’s one weakness and he immediately looks flustered.

“I’m getting a seventy two!” he says, irritated.

“Dude, I’m getting an eighty five and I sleep through most of my classes how are you getting a grade that low?” Ned asks and he even manages to pull off looking serious about it too. Peter knows he doesn’t sleep through English, he really likes the classics and always knows more than the rest of the class but Flash isn’t in his class so he doesn’t know that. He also knows Ned’s grade is higher than that.

Flash makes an irritated noise, “shut up, Leeds. Your best friend sucks.”

Liz frowns, “you’re off your game today, Flash. And Peter’s boyfriend is none of your business,” she adds, but more gently because she’s a nice person.

“He’s my business, what’s his name?” MJ asks, looking more interested than she normally is in this stuff. She claims being overly obsessed with who is sleeping with who is a distraction from real world issues. Peter thinks he can care about both because that time Liz and Flash almost dated threw him for a loop. But Liz’s dad scared him off pretty much the same way he had with Peter except Peter stuck around long enough to Liz to call her dad a dick and a misogynist for trying to control her dating life like she can’t make her own decisions. But in her dad’s defense they didn’t end up being compatible permanently even if Liz was also right. Now Peter’s pretty sure she’s dating MJ but neither have admitted to it.

“Why does everyone want to know so bad?” he asks.

“Because you ditched me for him,” Ned says.

“I just want to know,” MJ tells him.

“I’m kind of worried about you,” Liz says.

“Because he’s obviously fake,” Flash adds.

Peter rolls his eyes. “Oh my god he’s not fake,” he mumbles.

*

Tony laughs, “they think I’m fake?” he asks and Peter, on the other end of the video call, sighs.

“I didn’t even mean to make you sound fake but now they all think I made you up because I admitted to Ned that I like Star Trek better than Star Wars and that’s why they all think I skipped out on building the Death Star with him,” he says, dismayed.

Peter is adorable, far too pure for his own good but without the usual naiveté that comes with it. One of Tony’s favorite traits, actually. “I hope you know that’s hilarious. Rhodey thinks you’re made up because you sound too nice.” He is, Tony thinks, but he’d rather someone be too polite than act like ‘asshole’ is a replacement for a personality.

“I’m not too nice!” Peter says like he doesn’t probably help old ladies cross the street or something equally stereotypical of nice people.

“Are too. Its not a bad thing,” Tony tells him.

“I can be mean,” Peter says. Tony’s pretty sure if he was he’d immediately cry afterwards because Peter isn’t at all mean by nature.

“Uh huh, I’m sure you’re a vicious creature,” he says, grinning.

“I am vicious when I want to be,” Peter says, apparently unaware that he looks like a human chihuahua.

“I totally believe that,” Tony says, having a hard time hiding his laughter.

Peter looks offended. “You should be more supportive,” he says and Tony can’t help it, he bursts out laughing.

*

Flash looks bored. “So you’re dating a guy in college? That’s what you’re going with, Parker?”

Tony is in college he’s not even lying about that! “Why is that so hard to believe?” That’s not even a weird thing, lots of people are in college.

“Uh huh, what’s he studying?” Liz asks, amused.

He’s not making this up, why do they think he is? “Engineering,” he says, not feeling like getting specific.

“Did the lab fumes go to his head?” Flash asks, snickering at his own attempt at a joke.

Ned throws a soy sauce packet at him. “Don’t be rude. The lab fumes obviously went to Peter’s head. Don’t look at me like that dude, like how old is this guy even?”

“Eighteen, Ned. Traitor,” he mumbles under his breath.

“Oh, so he’s doing a Bachelors degree,” MJ says, trying to put a time line together or something.

“PhD actually, he’s super smart,” Peter says.

Flash snorts, “oh he’s dating a genius!” he says, disbelief obvious and Peter can’t even say anything because he doesn’t blame Flash for that one. He’d probably think he was making that up too.

“That would be a stupid lie,” he mumbles because it is. Why would he lie about something that sounds so fake that’s dumb.

His phone buzzes and MJ leaps for it. “Ha! Proof of the boyfriend. His name is Tony,” she says, passing the phone off to Liz with no regard to Peter’s privacy he guesses.

Liz scrolls through the messages and Peter swears to god- “Oh, okay. I didn’t need to see that,” she says, a red tinge coming to her cheeks and Peter turns bright red.

“Stop reading my phone!” he says, embarrassed. Flash snatches it next, looking at the screen and his eyebrows fly up.

“Jesus Christ Parker, you kiss your aunt May with that mouth? Go to church,” he says as Ned snatches the phone.

“Oh ew, sexting,” he says, wrinkling his nose before he deposits it back in Peter’s lap.

“No one needed to see that,” he mumbles.

“Well, at least we know he exists even if we all have to live with... that forever,” Flash says, looking disproportionately haunted by this.

Peter is the one who should be haunted all his friends read at least two rather intimate messages to Tony and he’d say that’s what they get for invading his privacy but also he didn’t want anyone to see those. They fall into awkward silence for a few moments.

“I hope you all know I hate you,” he tells them.

*

Tony thinks its funny that Peter’s friends think he’s fake. Or did, until they got into his phone and Peter’s cheeks had turned a shade of red Tony didn’t know humans were capable of turning. He can take a guess as to what they found and Peter might be embarrassed but he’s always been pretty shameless so he doesn’t really care. So now they believe he exists even if they seem to have maintained that Peter is lying about everything else and he doesn’t think these people know Peter well. He’s basically incapable of lying unless its by omission.

So he figures he’ll have a little fun and someone is bound to find out about their relationship and leak it to the press anyway so Peter’s friends might as well find out first. The good news is that bypassing high school seems to have been a good thing because Tony thinks this whole set up is hideous and he hates it but its a necessary evil. Peter, surprisingly, is not difficult to locate standing next to a group of people who are giving him incredulous looks.

Tony grins as he walks over, smiling wider when Peter spots him and looks relieved. “Thank god, can you tell them you built a semi-autonomous AI because they don’t believe me,” he says, gesturing presumably to his friends.

“Yeah, I did do that. Pissed my PhD supervisor right off because he told me it was impossible so I guess he can kiss my ass,” he says, grinning.

Peter looks pleased with himself before that turns to something akin to surprise as he realizes normally Tony isn’t around to confirm his stories. Tony decides to bypass the questions by reaching out fo Peter, hooking an arm around his waist as he pulls him in for a kiss. Its soft and slow, the way Peter likes it and he melts into it easily. He wraps his arms around Tony’s neck, tangling a hand in his hair and Tony’s got plans for him later but for now he figures maybe he should get back to Peter’s friends probably staring at them. So he nips at Peter’s bottom lip and pulls away, earning an upset noise from him for doing so.

He smiles at Peter and gives him another soft, chaste kiss before he turns to his friends. “Do you guys believe him now?” he asks, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re dating Tony Stark?!” the one with the mathletes jacket asks, voice going shrill at the end of that statement.

Peter shrugs, arms still around Tony’s neck. “I told you that forever ago, Flash you just didn’t listen.”

The one with the curly hair turns to her companion. “You owe me twenty bucks, Liz. I was right.”

Liz, presumably, looks at her like she’s nuts. “You said you were only sixty seven precent sure!”

“Well now I’m one hundred percent sure,” she says.

“Okay, I forgive you for ditching building the Death Star with me I would have ditched you too,” Ned, Tony assumes, says.

Peter’s cheeks are a little red, unused to the attention he’s getting, but he also looks happy and that’s what Tony was going for.

[thelastarchangelaskblog]

Session 7

We have a session tomorrow at 8:45 CST so I’m getting the summary of our last session together!

We had a lot of eventful happenings this session, along with quite a few awesome highlights!

(Read more.)

We started off following Tony as he wanders into a blacksmith’s forge at 5 in the morning and leaves a pile of gold before he starts working.

@the-grey-hunt (DM) as Blacksmith: What are you doing? Why did you leave a stack of gold pieces at the end of my forge?

Tony: Oh, uh, hi.

Blacksmith: Yeah, hi.

On learning the gold is for the blacksmith they’re happy enough to let Tony continue doing...whatever he’s doing.

Switch back to DJ and Zira after the night out they had... (nah, they just emptied the manor’s wine cellars.)

Dox: DJ isn't getting out of bed until someone makes him.

@heliocentricgeometric: ...Zira drags herself over to him and starts bothering him

Helio: So YOU'RE super terrible AND no help.

Zira doesn’t remember what happened last night because alcohol and something pretty important happened (like picking out a last name!!!)

Zira: I drank to forget my troubles, and I think I asked a very important question, and DJ isn't being very helpful, and.... things.

Rhodey is able to answer Zira’s question about the forgotten events of last night... And that her name is now Zira J. Stark Rhodes!

Rhodey ( @rebaobsessions): Zira, I would really like to hug you right now.

Zira: A hug would be acceptable.

The group discusses Tony’s absence.

Zira: He (Tony) left a note about having fun, and that's a little worrying.

DJ: But the sun is out there. Light is bad.

DJ and Zira are still bemoaning their life choices.

Zira: That is tactically unsound but my head hurts very badly right now.

DJ: The universe hurts

Dox: DJ canonically has a waterskin of an empty mason jar.

Rhodey takes pity on them and clears their hangover and the group is now able to venture out.

Helio: I start combing the town. (for Tony)

DM: The town doesn't need to be combed. (because it’s a tiny town)

There are some eventful happenings with the townmaster! Tony and Bob were busy, okay.

Zira: Hey hey hey!

DM: The townmaster ignores you

Zira: Whatever. He can be a bitch in his own town or whatever. I don’t care.

Zira and DJ get into a discussion on moms and what they’re like and about the secrecy behind DJ’s last name.

DJ: We are related to half of the halflings in Othanzia. EVERYONE knows our name. and if it gets out, they will get all up in our business, and somehow my mother will find out. I wasn't supposed to get into hijinks!

DJ tells Zira moms can kill you with kindness.

Zira: So Tony's the killing and you're the kindness?

DJ: .................eh

(more accurate than you would think)

Zira: Thank you, DJ, for your name and your...motherly...advice?

Meanwhile, with Rhodey... It’s time for his paladin oath. This is a big thing, and reba and Alatar came up with something absolutely fantastic with a super long monologue and a series of visions for Rhodey to determine what path is the best for him...

It’s far too long for here, but it was super cool and amazing and Rhodey picks the last oath: The Oath of the Guardian.

Zira gets more info from Rhodey about how moms act!

Zira: (long stream of consciousness) and also how to mothers act? DJ says you're like a mom.

Rhodey: They guilt trip you to make you not do dangerous things.

Zira: Oh, like Ms. Payne! Except with her it was usually in the other direction--

Rhodey: NO 

The gang finds Luna doing “Luna things.”

Zira: Are you eating dirt?

Luna ( @imagine1117​): ...no.

Once everyone (sans Bob since he’s on laundry duty for the morning because he has no sense of smell) wanders back to Tony, Tony’s finished with what he was making!

It’s...JARVIS!!

Tony’s super manic on lack of sleep and is just rambling and introducing JARVIS to everyone.

Tony: This is Zira, She's not my kid 'cause i'm not responsible enough for that. Maybe a little sister, idk.

Tony scribbles a smiley face just like Bob’s on DJ’s hand.

Zira excitedly tells Tony about her new name, which Tony was already aware of since he was not drunk.

Zira: My name is now Zira J Stark Rhodes!

Also Zira asking Tony about moms...

Zira: How are moms supposed to act? Like i know your dad's a huge bastard but--

Tony squints off into the distance, clearly not willing to voice his actual thoughts on the matter.

Tony: Uhh...warm and...loving?

Zira: Everything I’ve learned about moms is that they’re awesome and amazing!

Tony: Yeeeeaaahhh...let’s go with that.

Finished with laundry duty (and because his player is now able to play), Bob rejoins the party! He meets JARVIS.

Bob ( @thechaoticwave​) tries to send JARVIS hi, question mark: Hi?

DM: Unfortunately JARVIS is a machine.

Tony on drinking.

Tony: I hope we learned a valuable lesson to not drink?

Zira, quietly: Yeeees.

Zira, for some reason...

Zira (enthusiastically): I was gardening!

The group meets the new townmaster after the old one was unceremoniously ousted from his position. Alas, the office door is nailed shut. No, it wasn’t Tony, what do you think

Leanne: Do you have a hammer? 

Tony: I have 3 hammers. 

Leanne: ...that's a lot of hammers.

Leanne is concerned about the paperwork.

Leanne: I have to worry about taxes now.

DJ: Sorry?

We meet up with Clint and Natasha now!

Zira: Guess who has 3 last names right now!!

Natasha: uh, you?

Zira: ME!!

The town we have to head to so we can find information on Cragmaw Castle was destroyed by a volcano in olden days.

Zira: The thing about an ash cloud is, it can choke you until you die.

Zira: Also, there will be a lot of dead things there, and it will be... I don't know. A lot of you seem squeamish about dead thing.

We make it to the town and find lots of warnings about plant monsters! Tony is not amused.

Zira: Not to be defeatist, but lots of plants plus warnings about plant monsters usually equals horrible planty death.

We talk to the druid whose our contact via Clint and Natasha and we get info on the plant monsters. And a dragon. But the plant monsters take priority since apparently they can’t lie except when they’re evil; and when they’re evil of course they’re going to lie and say they’re good plants?!

Tony: (focused on the plants)

DJ: Tony, Tony, Tony! Did you miss the dragon?!

Tony: I was more focused on the lying plants! 

DJ: It's a dragon! 

Zira: Dragon!

No one’s happy about the dragon.

Tony: Here’s the upside, dragons are so big we won't be able to miss it.

Zira: Counterpoint! Dragons are very big and good at killing people!

We defeat the dragon and the 3 Horned Crown cultists trying to capture it with a net and some sticks. Natasha gets the final blow in.

Natasha to Clint: I'm never going anywhere with you again.

Clint: You say that every time.

Aaaaand...that was it for the session! But we have a shit-ton of RPs after this session because someone decided to wake up and heal a wyrmling and...uh...arms got chopped off.

Next session tentatively titled (courtesy of Dox) “It’s All Fun and Games Until Someone’s Disarmed.”

[timeisacephalopod]

Belated

I thought hmm, lets write a little Tony/Eddie/Venom thing for Reasons. And yeah I know Tony’s bday was two days ago but still. I’ve decided that this is a thing I have written for a fictional character’s belated birthday!

*

Tony’s half buried in paper work ready to throw all caution to the wind and throw himself out a window when Eddie walks in looking pleased with himself. Probably means he sniffed out a good story and he’s found something compelling but he doesn’t look like an absolute human disaster so he’s not too deep into it yet. Once he is he kind of looks like he’s homeless and Rhodey doesn’t really get the charm but Tony once watched Eddie overheat to the point of just fucking losing it and sitting in a lobster tank at one of the fanciest restaurants in Manhattan so he thinks Eddie is the best. Venom being around doesn’t seem to help that except now maybe he’ll eat the lobsters instead of just bothering the hell out of them.

“Happy birthday,” he says, walking over to him and behind his desk, greeting him with a kiss.

Except Tony’s kind of confused. “Wasn’t my birthday last week?” he asks and Eddie frowns.

“No, honey its today. I... who forgets their birthday? And why would you assume everyone in your life also forgot your birthday?” he asks. He looks extra confused but that’s probably just the way Eddie’s expressions work. Rhodey finds his over expressing annoying but Tony thinks it's endearing.

“You all have lives, its fine,” Tony says. Pepper’s always busy running around doing things for him, Eddie seems to have found himself some new thing to rip apart for the next couple months, and Rhodey regularly gets shot at so he figures they all have more pressing concerns. 

Eddie sighs. “Sometimes I think you’re a prick and then you do something sad like make excuses for why everyone in your life would forget you were born. We didn’t forget, Tony, you got the date wrong. How did you forget when you were born?”

He shrugs, “I don’t memorize useless details. And in your defense I am a prick,” he says. They both know it, though Eddie is obviously a lot less hostile then when they met. He seems to have fallen for Tony’s charms, which he’s been reliably informed are pretty disarming.

Eddie leans in and gives him another kiss, “no you’re not, but you play one well,” pulling away and dropping his bag on Tony’s desk. Its disrupted his thread bare attempt at organizing his own life- not exactly his strong suit admittedly not that he’d tell Eddie he's managed to mess up what little organization he had. He pulls a stack of files out of his bag and drops them on top of Tony’s already too large pile of paper work. “Happy birthday, an organized list of all the moral and ethical problems I have with your company,” he says, grinning like its the best gift ever.

Tony snorts and starts laughing, shuffling closer to Eddie. He lays one hand on Eddie’s hip and pokes at the pile of folders with the other. “Well this is... intimidating.”

“Yeah, but you’ll look through it all because you do genuinely want to be a good person. You should be glad I didn’t go with V’s gift,” he says, wincing.

Fuck, Tony can only imagine when one of the first five things he did in Eddie’s body was eat several people’s heads. Sure, V turned out to be an overly sappy romantic ass goo alien but that’s a pretty rough start to things and now Eddie has to live with kind of eating people that one time several times. “Was it flowers?” he asks.

Eddie laughs, “that was suggestion like... fifty two. After I banned violence, drugs, sex- don’t give me that look it was a soft ban because that’s not a present, terrorist activities, harassing children, petty crimes of all varieties, eating heads, murder, grand theft auto, breaking and entering, space, possession, and about a half a dozen other things. He’s not too good with presents.”

“Well, he did alright with the cat,” Tony points out. V doesn’t really get Christmas, turns out his species wasn’t too cuddly and had no holidays, but he does have all Eddie’s memories of it. Conveniently, he tends to lean more towards Eddie’s view of Christmas as mostly a capitalist holiday that’s far more about big businesses making money, overworking retail employees, and present buying pressure that leads to suicide than the happy stuff. And that doesn’t even touch on Eddie’s view of religion. Though to be fair V probably gathered a lot more religious vitriol from Tony than Eddie.

“He’s threatened to eat that cat at least once a day since he decided to pick it out. Claims he’s a dog person,” Eddie says.

“Dogs are bigger, usually, so I’m not really surprised. More meat.” Given the look on Eddie’s face Tony’s going to assume V has agreed with that statement.

“We are not eating dogs,” Eddie hisses. Mostly he only does that around Tony, but its hilarious when he does it in public because most people don’t really recognize him anymore so he looks like a homeless loon being led around by a celebrity. Or at least he did before he became recognizable again through Tony’s fame and yeah, Tony knows all Eddie’s opinions on celebrity culture. None of them are positive and yeah, Tony can see why that is.

“Tell V to go hunt New York rats at night. He might have fun with that,” Tony says. “Wait, does Venom have a birthday? That a thing his species does?”

Eddie shakes his head. “Says he doesn’t have a proper earth date translation for his hatching day and I know he didn’t come from an egg so that’s a horrifying term to use. Do not enlighten me, V. I’m happy to stay in the dark.” He makes another face and Tony assumes V has let out some detail Eddie didn’t want to hear.

“That ever get annoying, the voice in your head?” he asks. Feels like it’d be exhausting. Tony doesn’t even like his own voice in his head let alone some random alien who decided pretty much on a whim to save the world strictly because he likes Eddie. Though to be fair Riot was an asshole and Tony was sick of being compared to Carlton Drake anyway. Guy was like cartoonishly evil. Though Tony will admit that he was good looking and damn smart, even if that didn’t really turn out to be a good thing later.

“Sometimes,” Eddie says, “but mostly  V offers some good entertainment on human customs. Turns out his species tended to eat each other to solve problems. He thinks our petty politics is fun to watch.”

Yeah, an alien would find that funny. Or everyone outside of America at least until America decides to invade for oil or some other resource. “So who did he want to possess?” Tony asks, grinning.

“No!” Eddie says, presumably to him and Venom.

*

Tony’s laying in bed pretending to have died when Eddie walks over and crawls over him, laying his entire weight on Tony’s back. He sighs because of course Eddie would find the most inconvenient way to get him to stop taking up the entire bed. “This is a king and you’re like three feet tall. How is it that you take up so much space?” Eddie asks as Tony starts wiggling around.

“Ask the cat, she’s a hell of a lot smaller than me and she always manages to take up at least half the bed.” Eddie rolls off and Tony props himself up. “Thanks for the present by the way, half the stuff you pointed out happens to be things I was already looking to fix.” But Eddie is a fuck of a lot picker than him and its nice to have someone trying to hold him to account. And Eddie has no problem doing so, he gives Tony his opinion on a lot of things all the time whether or not he wants to hear them.

“Yeah, I got you something else too but its taking eighty years in the mail so I had to improvise,” Eddie says.

“Let me guess, you refuse to use Amazon,” Tony says.

“Look, that fuckstick can’t even pay his workers and he’s the richest guy in the world, and what’s all that crazy shit about pissing in-” Eddie starts but Tony cuts him off before he really gets going.

“Jeff Bezos is a prick, I get it. Actually, might get stuck at the same charity event with him next week so I can bring you along if you want to punch him,” Tony says.

The bright look of unbridled glee in Eddie’s eyes makes him smile. Yeah, he’s maybe argued a lot about Tony’s wealth, but he at least appreciates that Tony does his best to spread it around a little. Its just that he has trust issues and he knows how corporate charity works- its all tax write offs and siphoning money out of most of the ‘donations.’ So he does his best to do his research and lucky him Eddie is probably a little too good at it so he’s got some more reputable charities to share with. And he thinks its fun to pay off random people’s debt. If he’s having a bad day he’ll pick a person and bam, debt free. He likes making people happy so Eddie only kind of side eyes his money.

Generally that means he only brings it up like twice a day instead of non-stop and if nothing else Tony can appreciate that he’s passionate about his views. Rhodey thinks he’s annoying but Rhodey isn’t dating him so he can deal with it.

“Yeah, alright,” Eddie says but the way he says it tells Tony that he’s not talking to him.

“Do not eat his head, V!” Tony says, panicked. “I do not want to deal with the fallout of that. Just ruin his life like a normal person. Get JARVIS to help, he’s been helpful in my long standing efforts to ruin Hammer.”

“Yeah, pretty sure all you two have managed to do is turn Hammer into the knockoff version of you, but he uh... seems to like that so I don’t know.”

Tony damn well knows he looks offended because that’s the fucking rudest shit he’s ever heard. “What did you just call Hammer?” he asks.

Eddie realizes his mistake right away and Tony fucking resents that he looks a little dead behind the eyes because he was the one who damn well decided Hammer was good enough to be the anything version of him. “I would sooner take Carlton Drake as the cheap version of me than Hammer,” Tony hisses. “At least Drake was actually smart and hot! What’s Hammer? He looks like he came out of the womb dressed as the class clown who decided to be an accountant!”

Honestly Tony resents that Eddie sighs at that. “No V, you can’t eat Hammer’s head,” Eddie mumbles.

“Yes you can,” Tony tells him.

*

Tony’s attempting to make coffee while also ignoring Eddie due to his previous transgressions. Compare him to Hammer on his birthday. The disrespect. Eddie walks out of their bedroom and Tony resolutely ignores him as he starts looking around the pent house for some reason. Tony side eyes him as he moves a bunch of papers around- Eddie’s, not his, knocks the pillows off the couch, and picks up the cat. He looks at Cotton for a moment, frowning before he shakes her a little. She meows in an annoyed, disgruntled way and Eddie sighs, releasing the cat.

“Uh, the fuck are you doing?” Tony asks eventually.

Looking for me says a voice in his head and Tony throws his coffee cup, startling so badly his entire body jerks and he slips, falling on his ass.

“Oh thank god I thought he went and possessed some random secretary so he could go eat heads!” Eddie says, rushing over to him.

“Oh no, you stay back there you don’t get to come near me or V after comparing Hammer to me!” he says, pointing an accusatory finger at him.

Eddie sighs. “Tony-” he starts but Tony has already picked himself up and turned around with his arms crossed, ignoring him.

So rude. Venom agrees. We should eat Hammer V says, perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

Tony sighs and it pains him to do this, truly. “V, we can’t actually eat Hammer,” he says in perhaps the most dejected, upset tone he’s ever produced.

Eddie gives him, Venom technically, an offended look. “You decided to crawl into him in the middle of the night and risk killing him so you could eat someone?” he asks, hand pressed to his heart quite like an offended PTA mom. “V, you better get your ass back in here!” Eddie tells him, pointing at himself.

He compared you to Hammer. We should leave him, go sight seeing V says.

Tony rolls his eyes. “V you aren’t going to manipulate me into carrying your ass out of here because Eddie put you in the dog house.”

“Venom!” Eddie says, voice rising.

Tony swears to god he feels Venom extend from his body and that is some worrying fucking shit how’s Eddie put up with that? “Tony thinks you sound like an offended PTA mom,” Venom tells Eddie and Tony squints.

“Since when the hell are you a rat?” he asks.

Venom turns to face him, “you take that back! I am not vermin!”

“No, technically you’re a parasite now get back here,” Eddie tells him.

“Maybe I will find a new home with hosts who appreciate me,” Venom says, sinking back into Tony and he does not like that.

“How do you get these things out?” he asks.

Eddie walks over and leans in, squinting at Tony shrewdly except he’s actually looking at Venom and Tony’s not sure how he knows that. “If you don’t get back in me I will play Bohemian Rhapsody at top volumes with Tony pressed against the speaker!” he hisses.

“That kind of sounds like fun minus the speaker thing,” Tony says.

“They don’t do so well with loud noises and vibrations,” Eddie explains and oh, that makes sense. Tony watches as black goo extends from his hand to Eddie’s and it almost looks resentful for it. Or maybe Tony’s imagining that.

Tony gives Venom a sad look as the last of him disappears back into Eddie. “I’m so sad he won’t ever experience Freddy Mercury like the rest of us,” he says, hand pressed to his heart.

Eddie sighs. “V says your music taste is heinous and he would rather listen to my music.”

He listens to exclusively shitty electronica music. “I’m leaving you both,” Tony tells him, turning and walking away.

[djemsostylist]

I watched Captain Marvel...and I think I hated it.  A Review

So like, I really hated Captain Marvel.  Well, hate’s a strong word I guess.  But given what it could have been, and what we were given instead, well.  It’s better than Gagnarok, which is faint praise, I suppose given how much I despised the last Thor outing.  

This movie had so much potential.  So. Much. Potential.  Because they actually had the bones of a good movie.  The casting, as per usual for Marvel, was spot on.  They created some really interesting characters who weren’t actually cliches like they very easily could have been.  And the idea of an origin movie that merely exists for its own sake, especially this late in the MCU lineup, is an interesting one. 

Thing is though, this one...well, it sucked.  And I think it’s entirely because of the writing and directing.  It read like a YA version of a Marvel movie.  And it’s the first time in a while that I read reviews and thought “What am I missing?”  Most of the round-up that I saw prior to the movie claimed that Sam Jackson and Ben Mendelsohn were a delight, the humor and nineties references were subtle and delightful, and that the whole movie didn’t force things on you but rather allowed the moments to breathe.  Even here--the majority of the people I follow are gushing over the movie and the relationships and the subtle building of Carol’s backstory and I’m just like....?  Because I got none of that?

Fury, as a character in this movie, makes literally no sense.  He seems a whole lot more like Sam Jackson than Nick Fury, and if this movie was attempting to show us how a young and bouncy Nicholas J. Fury became the jaded leader of SHIELD, than they fucking failed.  Fury cooing over cats and completely trusting aliens makes no sense, and rather than have him grow over the course of the movie into the Nick Fury we see today, he does...none of that?  He was frankly kind of obnoxious, and the amount of moments he dropped a not so quippy one liner the writers desperately wanted us to laugh at made me actively irritated by the end. 

Maria was a fascinating character, or she could have been?  She and Carol are wingmen test pilots, working under a female scientist developing cutting edge technology.  She’s a single mother in the military with a precocious young daughter and together with her best friend they’ve made themselves a family.  Her best friend is then killed in a horrible accident gone wrong, and she...actually I don’t know.  I’m assuming she left the Air Force perhaps because, like Sam Wilson, she had a hard time finding a reason to stay in.  At least that would be what I assume.  And maybe she always thought Carol survived and the Air Force covered up something they shouldn’t have been doing and maybe she took a quiet retirement in return for not asking questions, and maybe she always wondered what happened the day that Carol died.  I don’t know, really, since they don’t ever really allow her to do much of anything except tell Carol who she is 5 times and then suddenly decide to go into space because her daughter told her to.  We were robbed of Maria, is what I’m saying, and I think they could have given us so much more.  (Give me a story where Maria takes the retirement and the payout and moves to Louisiana but never really stops looking for answers because Carol wouldn’t just have died like that and one day she digs too deep and she runs into an Agent named Nick Fury who was looking into something too and together they discover what the Air Force tried to cover up all those years ago.  Frankly, I feel like this should have been the plotline that Earth had sans Carol, but I digress).  

Carol’s team was criminally underused.  Gemma Chan, Jude Law, Djimon Hounsou (and those other dudes)--they had virtually no part.  And it could have been fascinating.  Carol was with them for 6 years.  6 years.  That’s a ridiculously long time actually.  And she has a life there.  At least, we can assume?  She appears to have an apartment (or quarters), access to public transit, etc.  She is close to Jude Law (I refuse to call him Yon Rogg bc that is a fucking stupid name), and she is also, again ostensibly, close to his team (hereafter called Kree Team 6).  The scene with them boarding the plane for their first mission together (which totally did not feel like that at all) was interesting, and a lovely glimpse in to team and the dynamics.   I liked seeing how they fought together, their ethical views (they go out of their way not to hurt the locals/refugees, which we’ll get to later).  And I loved the look into Kree society--it felt more real and grounded than any of the alien societies (beside Asgard) that we’ve seen before.  But we get nothing from them.  Like, Gemma Chan has 3? lines?  Hounsou has maybe 2?  And Jude Law 100% feels like he was supposed to Mar Vel (and likely her lover?) before someone, sometime after way too much of the script had been written, decided not to go that direction.  Which leads me to the next question, of why not?  Because Carol doesn’t need a love interest? I mean, sure I guess, but Thor, Steve, Bruce, and Tony have all had a love interest, and I don’t think it detracted from their stories?  Like, Tony still has his bond with Rhodey, Steve obviously has his with Bucky, Thor is still codependent on Loki.  Would Carol being in a relationship with Jude Law prevent her from having an equally or more important relationship with Maria?  Like, I would have loved for about half the movie to take place with Carol still with the Kree, if only so that we could have felt something of Carol’s relationship and connection with them, which would make the revelations that much more crushing when she does find out.  Like, how much worse is it if Carol has an actual life with them (which has likely only been a little bit shorter than the amount of time she’s been in the Air Force) only to find out it’s all based off a lie?  Only, it wasn’t totally a lie because she had friends and a home and a job and a lover and a life which she wouldn’t have had if they hadn’t taken her, and yet.

I loved Carol.  Or at least, I think I did?  Reviews kept whining that Carol was brainwashed half the movie, which sure, but she was no Bucky Barnes.  And I loved that.  I loved that she has awful nightmares that wake her up and make her seek out her lovermentor to spar, but she is still herself.  Like, she isn’t deadened and unemotional and tormented.  She’s happy and scrappy and sarcastic and goofy and bouncy and a little bit of a hothead and she is still herself.  I loved the scene when she looks at the guy over the newspaper, the sly little half smile she gets when she says “Heroes.  Noble warrior heroes” like she knows she’s being a little bitch and she loves it.  I love that when she knocks on Jude Law’s door at 2:00 in the morning he can’t even pretend to be irritated with her.  I love that she banters with her team and loves her powers and isn’t afraid of dying.  I loved who Brie Larson made her in the spare few moments she had between the awful directing and the horrible lines and the things that didn’t really make sense.  I can’t wait to see her in Endgame, and much like I did with Hawkeye in Civil War, go “Oh, there’s Carol!” because she had been hiding behind a shitty plot and horrible dialog and suffocating directing for far too long.  (Also, I loved her costume and her design and the mohawk is beautiful, and her powers aren’t OP at all.)

Like, imagine if the movie is divided into Carol with the Kree slowly realizing shit ain’t what it seems and the other plotline is Fury and Maria trying to find out wtf is going on, and then they meet up in the climax to take down the bad guys.  We get to know Carol, Maria, and their relationship to each other and everyone else.  Imagine if we didn’t have to guess at literally everything.  And imagine if, in the end, Carol leaves, not because she has to guide the fucking Skrulls to a new home, but because she’s functionally immortal now, and what kind of a life does she have with Maria and Earth any more?  (Like, the movie doesn’t address this at all, but I mean, this is a Thing.  Whether it’s because she’s Kree (wtf did the blood transfusion do?) or because of her powers, she is immortal now, yes?  Or as immortal as Thor or Steve, theoretically.) 

The thing is, the Russo’s and Markus and McFeely are really, really good at taking little things and tiny moments and making us know and understand backstory, and showing us how relationships grow and develop in the things we can’t see or don’t have time to see.  These writers/directors...are not.  They suck, frankly.  Who is Mar Vel, what is her relationship with Carol and Maria, what was Carol’s life like in Kree land, why is Maria retired and living in the Bayou, why is Fury on uppers, how did Carol become a Kree, why did they give her the disk control thingy and why doesn’t she take it off, what did they tell her about her past, and most importantly, WTF with the Skrulls and Kree.  How did you manage to tell us how to feel to for an entire movie while also telling us nothing at all.  (Also, The Russo’s and M&M are good with continuity while still writing new things, while these people, are, again, not.  Like, don’t even get me started on the Tesseract.)

And then, okay, when the Kree Team attacks that first planet to save their operative, they are all super specific about making sure the locals don’t get hurt, they protest the innocent, etc.  Gemma Chan immediately pulls up her rifle when they say they are just civilians, Jude Law goes out of his way to put up a shield to protect his dudes and NOT hurt the locals, and he seems sorta grossed out by Ronan and his zealots.  So...wtf with the “all Kree all evil murdered who kill babies and the Skrulls just want to be with their families.”  Like, it’s so fucking tired.  A twist for twist sake, which if you didn’t see that coming...well, that’s on you.  I’d be much more here for “everyone sucks a little bc people can suck sometimes” rather than the shlocky bullshit family reunion I was forced to endure.  The Skrulls were fucking insufferable frankly, and the entire reveal with Talos and the Skrulls from then on was like an embarrassing episode of Stargate.  

And look, I’m not opposed to humor in Marvel movies. I’m not, I swear!  I legit loved both Antman’s, Peter always fills my heart with smiles, and Sam Wilson refusing to move his seat up made me legit cackle.  I don’t like when I feel like the writers spend an entire movie nudging me in the ribs with increasing brutality while screaming “Isn’t it FUNNY THO???”  Because no, dear writers, no it’s not.  And yes, yes I do get the jokes, but good god could we have a minute?  I mean, by the end, the jokes were literally being telegraphed a few 30 seconds before they dropped.  (The Kree scanning people--Cat, High danger level.  I bet Fury’s going to be...oh yeah, hahaha he is a nonexistent threat isn’t that hilaARIOUS?  No, it’s fucking stupid.)  

It was, frankly, awful.  I hated it, so much so that by the end I couldn’t even muster up enough of a Give a Fuck to care that her callsign was Avenger (and I fucking LOVE callsigns) or care that the stinger had all of my children.  I really didn’t.  This movie was so fucking disappointing because it didn’t have to be bad.  It really didn’t.  If they had hired competent writers and directors (I should have known when they hired the Tomb Raider lady this was going to be awful), they could have made it work.  They really, really could have.  And they didn’t and everyone loves it and I’m happy because shitty butthurt fanboys are being legit gross about this and I want them to be crushed by money, but.  I want the next movie to have better writing and better directing because it’s what we deserve.  I don’t want to have to keep settling, because it’s good enough.  

[stankrhodes]

First Line Prompt: “It Was Supposed to be Just for One Night.”

Ship: Ironpanther

Warning: none

Word Count: 1,914

Fic Day #13/30

It was supposed to be just for one night. Tony had been home from Siberia for a month and had been on the verge of drinking again when he decided to call Rhodey. Except he hadn’t called Rhodey. The person that answered the phone was T’Challa and Tony profoundly apologized for disrupting his day. “Hello,” T’Challa had answered. “King T’Challa? I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to call you. I’ll just go now,” Tony said and was sniffing erratically because of his inability to keep his tears at bay. “No. There was a reason you called me Mr. Stark.”

“It was an accident. I thought I was calling Rhodey.” Tony wanted to bang his head against the wall. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. “So I am not a formidable substitute for Mr. Rhodes?” T’Challa asked and Tony wanted to bang his head into a brick wall. “Look. I’m sorry for calling. This’ll never happen again,” Tony tried to finalize but T’Challa was ever persistent. “No. I would like to know why you called. You seem to be in distress. If it’s only one night that you have to tell me, so be it.”

Tony sighed. “Just one night?” He asked and heard T’Challa hum in agreement. “I’ve had enough,” Tony began. “There’s been so much that has happened since Siberia and I know I’ve only been home for a month but I have the arc reactor back and I can’t stop having nightmares of Steve banging his shield into it. He and Barnes should have just killed me. It would have made so much shit in my life so much easier.” Tony paused and continued, “But there’s this kid that I’m sort of taking care of but he is so nice and happy and I don’t want to take away his innocence so I’m keeping him at arm's length but it’s so draining. The kid is such a refresher though. He brings me coffee and I help him with his math homework. But it really sucks because I can tell he knows there is something is wrong with me but he’s just a teenager. The last thing I want to do is drag a child into something he has no business being in. All I want to do is protect him. He deserves that from me at least.

“And then there’s fucking Ross who won’t leave me the hell alone because he thinks I know where the Rogue Avengers are, which I do but I won’t expose you like that, and he has been harassing me to get that information for him. He sent me to the raft the first week I got out of the hospital. He- he is such an evil person.” T’Challa noted the way his voice faltered at the last sentence and wondered what could have happened to make Tony so dysfunctional.

“Well, how do you feel after letting that out?” T’Challa asked softly. He heard a noisy breath from Tony on the other end of his line and waited for his response. “I feel like I need to do that more often.” “Indeed,” T’Challa said and knew Tony was referring to a therapist instead of himself.

However, he received another one of those calls two weeks later while he was in Shuri’s lab going over replacements for Mr. Barnes’ arm.

T’Challa knew it was dark in America so the call meant Tony must have had a nightmare. “Hello,” his accented voice answered the phone. “T’Challa. Hi,” Tony’s breathless tone filled T’Challa’s ear.

“Why so sudden? I thought we agreed for just one night?” “Yeah well, that would have worked if I hadn’t been having nightmares of Captain America trying to kill me for the past week. Can you just talk about something? I like hearing your voice.,” Tony states and T’Challa softly smiled as he walked through the palace halls. “Well, I don’t know if you know but the Accords are officially in their stage of development where amendments can be proposed.” A surprised squeaked emerged from Tony and T’Challa could imagine the other man smiling. “When did the word reach you? Was I asleep?” “Well, I just found out that the first amendment can be passed about two hours ago? So yes. You may have been asleep.”

“Aw man. That’s great news.” T’Challa could hear Tony’s smile and wondered if this is what falling in love felt like. This was only their second private engagement but T’Challa felt as if he had known Tony forever.

That feeling carried the both of them through the next year as they sorted through amendments for the Accords, got Thaddeus Ross put in jail, and (on Tony’s part more so than T’Challa’s) got presidential pardons for the former Avengers and Barnes.

Exactly one year after the first call, Tony called T’Challa. “Please tell me you’re not purposefully waking up in the middle of the night just to call me,” T’Challa answered and Tony laughed. “No kit kat. I actually couldn’t sleep tonight. Nerves, I think, but they’re coming home tomorrow and I genuinely don’t know how to feel.”

T’Challa had reached his office and sat behind his desk. Leaning back, T’Challa asked, “Well tell me how you think you feel.” “I know I should feel like my job is done, but I have to deal with them for those first 30 days that they’re back and I honestly don’t want that pressure weighing me down. I’ve been doing good. That’s what Rhodey and Pepper say and Rhodey suspects it’s because of you. I just don’t know if I’m emotionally stable to handle those assholes. Barnes maybe, but everyone else? I doubt it.” T’Challa smiled when Tony mentioned what Pepper and Rhodey thought about him.

In all honesty, he had grown to be infatuated with Tony in this year and if he had to admit it to anyone, he genuinely liked the man and wouldn’t mind taking him on a date. (But that would be entirely inappropriate considering the circumstances.)

“Well, I think you should relax. I would say start by putting down whatever it is your working on. Stepping out of your lab and going to your kitchen.” T’Challa’s voice was soft as he spoke. He heard a disgruntled sigh but it seemed as if Tony had begun to follow his instructions. On his 2nd kimoyo bead, T’Challa asked Jarvis to set Tony’s alarm to 8:30 am considering it was 2:45am in America.

“Are you there?” He asked and Tony responded with an affirmative. “Grab a glass of cold water and go to bed,” T’Challa said and Tony laughed. “Wow. Thanks for tricking me.” T’Challa smiled. “Not tricking more than it is making sure you’re not handling the others without sleep.”

“Thanks, T’Challa. Really,” Tony admitted softly. T’Challa smiled sadly. “I care about you, Tony.” Tony smiled. “Goodnight,” Tony said and ended the call when T’Challa said the same.

Two days after the Rogue Avengers had returned to the Avengers Compound, T’Challa and Shuri showed up as well. Tony laughed and hugged them both. “What are you doing here?” He asked with excitement in his voice. “What we can’t come see the King’s boyfriend?” Shuri said smugly and T’Challa froze. Tony looked at T’Challa thoughtfully before shrugging it off. We’ll talk about that later.

When the Rogues saw T’Challa, they were all smiles and “Good to see a familiar face.” Tony watched T’Challa’s willpower to prevent his eyes from rolling grow. Tony’s face, however, had become a stoic mask. “Actually, Shuri inquired she needed to be here for a few days to monitor Mr. Barnes’ arm and psychological progress.” Bucky visibly relaxed at that and if he weren’t around the others who would perceive him as weak, Tony’s face would have been sympathetic.

“I’ll show you down to my lab,” Tony said as if T’Challa and Shuri hadn’t seen the entire compound before. He really didn’t want the others to suspect anything, though.

As Tony, Shuri, and Bucky made their way downstairs, T’Challa stayed behind and eyed the other Avengers closely. They all seemed to perceive him as a friend. T’Challa had very few friends and he definitely did not consider these people, who betrayed their own friend, friends of his.

“Hey, T’Challa. How you been, man?” Barton asked. “I’ve been well Mr. Barton. How about yourselves?” They all shrugged. “Could be better,” Mr. Wilson spoke up and Rogers agreed. “It’s good to be home but it’s nothing like Wakanda.” T’Challa curtly nodded and looked up when Tony came running through the elevator back into the entrance-way. His face deadpanned on T’Challa. He walked over to T’Challa and grabbed his wrist. “Let’s go, King,” he said while dragging T’Challa out of the room, leaving the other Avengers standing there confused.

“You can’t do that,” Tony said when they were in the elevator and T’Challa huffed. “Whatever,” he said and Tony looked at him before laughing the hardest he had laughed since T’Challa arrived and a smile broke through the King’s face. When Tony finished laughing he intensely looked into T’Challa’s eyes and smiled. “We need to talk Mr. Kit Kat.”

T’Challa’s nerves, for the first time in a while, shot through the roof.

When they reached the lab, Shuri and Bucky were laughing about something that Tony and T’Challa could only guess was between them. “He’s stolen my sister from me,” T’Challa jokingly admitted. Tony laughed and patted his shoulder. “Tony stole you from me, brother!” Shuri yelled and Tony laughed even harder. Bucky just stood there lost for a moment before Shuri whispered something into his ear to which he softly smiled and said, “I approve if she does.”

T’Challa, again, froze in his spot and Tony couldn’t stop laughing. “Ah man. You all are hilarious. Barnes. Welcome to the family,” Tony said and Bucky’s eyes grew wide. Shuri smiled softly and looked down at her wrist when one of her kimoyo beads lit up. “Okoye!” She greeted and walked to one of the more private sections of the lab to speak with the General.

Later that night, when everyone had fallen asleep, T’Challa found himself in Tony’s lab. “Jet lag?” Tony asked when he looked up and saw the Wakandan King at his door. T’Challa nodded and, in all his glory, walked over to sit on the couch next to Tony’s workbench. “How are you?” T’Challa asked.

“Much better now that you and Shuri are here. What about you?” Tony responded and turned to direct his attention to T’Challa. “Very well.”

“Can we talk?” Tony asked diverting his eyes to T’Challa’s feet. “About?” “What Shuri said today. I know I feel something between us T’Challa. I don’t know if you do, but I know there’s something there and I’ve been ignoring my feelings too much in my life to let something so right pass me by.” T’Challa studied Tony for a moment before he stood and walked over to Tony. He lifted Tony’s head from his chin so that Tony had no choice but to look at T’Challa.

“Of course I feel something for you, Tony. I like you. A lot,” T’Challa breathed and Tony’s eyes closed as he breathed a relieved sigh. T’Challa leaned down to place a feather-light kiss on Tony’s forehead.

“You were there for me at my lowest point. Thank you,” Tony said and opened his beautiful brown eyes.

T’Challa responded, “I will be there for you at your highest points as well, my love.”

[tonystarkbingo]

Week Seven Roundup

Title: Dear Uncle Daniel by @laufeysonthor Rating: teen Relationships: James “Bucky” Barnes/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Diary/Journal, Epistolary, Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Not Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie) Compliant Summary:

I promised Pep I would try. I promised I would go to the therapist every week and get better and Dr. T suggested this and it might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever done but here goes nothing I guess.

OR Tony goes to therapy and falls in love with James Barnes.

SQUARE FILLED: S3 - Diaries and Epistolary 

Title Such Sweet Revenge by ali_aliska Square R2 - Revenge Rating: Mature Warning not team Cap friendly, Not Steve Friendly, Not Clint Friendly, Not Wanda Friendly, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Falling In Love, Slow Burn, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Instances of Panic Attack, Mature Sexual Content, Pining Summary: Tony Stark/Bucky Barnes

When the Rogues are back in the States after being pardoned, the New Avengers want nothing to do with them and as far as Tony is concerned, if he never speaks to them again, it’ll be too soon. After all, he didn’t spend the last year putting himself (and his family) back together only for his former co-workers to ruin all of his hard work.But then he gets a hand-written letter from the Winter Soldier himself, apologizing for the events that transpired and an off-handed comment from Rhodey about Rogers failing to take care of an obviously miserable Bucky Barnes sets in motion Tony’s new, oh-so-evil plan to get some payback.After all, what better revenge than to steal the Winter Soldier away from his best friend?The only problem: Tony sucks at being vengeful, but apparently he’s an expert at inadvertently falling in love.

Title A Dinosaur Named Steve by james Rating: General Audiences Square R3 - Clint and Tony facing a dinosaur (image) Warning none Summary:  Steve Rogers/Tony Stark

Clint isn’t prepared to find out that Captain America has been turned into a dinosaur. Who would be? Except Tony, apparently. Luckily it all ends with tacos.

Title Silent Witness by @polizwrites Rating gen Square A5: Witness Warning canon divergent, post IM 3 Summary In the wake of events in Malibu and Washington DC, Tony Stark and Steve Rogers get together to watch a mysterious video tape.

Title: Where we Wanna be by @rinnwrites Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Square: A1 - Meeting Alternate Universe Counterparts Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: James “Bucky” Barnes/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Multiple Universes Colliding, Meeting Alternate Universe Counterparts, Domesticity, Portals, Inhumans (Marvel), Getting Together, What Could Have Been Summary:

Tony and Bucky stumble through a portal to an alternate universe and they run into themselves, in a world without Avengers….or their enemies.

Title: Take you With Me by @anthonystarhk Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply SQUARE FILLED: K3 - explosion in the lab  Relationships: James “Bucky” Barnes/Natasha Romanov, James “Bucky” Barnes/Natasha Romanov/Tony Stark, James “Rhodey” Rhodes & Tony Stark, Natasha Romanov & Tony Stark, James “Bucky” Barnes & Natasha Romanov, James “Bucky” Barnes & Tony Stark, Natasha Romanov/Tony Stark, James “Bucky” Barnes/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Angst, Getting Together, Polyamory, Asexual Tony Stark, Asexual Natasha Romanov, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Italian Tony Stark Summary:

where Tony wears a croptop, Bucky wears a man bun, and Natasha is living her best life. Alternatively, Tony has a crush on Bucky and Nat, Bucky and Nat have a crush on Tony, and Sam is here to tease Bucky.

Title: Soulmates aren’t Just Lovers by @celtic7irish (Chapter Four) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Square: S2: Prison Relationships: James “Bucky” Barnes/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Forced soulbonding, Imprisonment, Abandonment Issues, winter soldier programming, Bucky Barnes is still in there, Tony Stark is the most stubborn, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Bucky needs a hug, Soulmates, TWS on never happened Summary:

Hydra wants Tony to build them Stark/Chitauri Hybrid weapons. When Tony refuses, they decide that they’ll make him more pliable. By forcing him into a soulbond with the Winter Soldier. After all, his programming should supersede Tony’s stubbornness. Right?

Title: Not Yet by @magpiewords Rating: Teen And Up Audiences square K5: Coffee Shop Relationships: Tony Stark/Stephen Strange, Background Janet Van Dyne/Hank Pym,  Additional Tags: Coffee Shops, Alternate Universe - College/University, Crushes, Awkward Flirting,  Summary:

A billionaire works in a coffee shop, jokes with a wasp, makes a green hulk turn red, and flirts with a wizard.

Title: Forced Soulbonding by @voodoofee Rating: Mature Square: T5 Forced Soulbonding Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con Relationships: James “Bucky” Barnes/Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers/Tony Stark, James “Bucky” Barnes/Steve Rogers/Tony Stark Additional Tags: Dubious Consent, tony is hurting, Omega Tony, Alpha Bucky Barnes, Alpha Steve Rogers, Tony is far gone, Mating Bites, Character Death, Steve is overwhelmed by alpha!feels, Bucky saves the day, almost, Weak Tony, Hurt Tony Stark Summary:

There was a soft whimper, a choked sound, a voice pleading for it to stop. Steve could feel the blood freezing in his veins.

Tony.

[themonkeycabal]

I watched Age of Ultron this morning to refresh my memory. It was ... a challenge. I took notes. (I actually have a spreadsheet of AoS ep notes, so, yes, notes are a thing I do). Looking at those notes, it seems I yelled kind of frequently. And, I was totally yelling in my mind. This movie falls apart quick. 

Oh well, chore done. *pats self on back*

Below, my notes, if you need your memory refreshed and don’t want to sit through the movie again. See how much I love you guys?

(I did edit for coherence when I decided to post)

• the opening sequence cgi doesn't get any less awful and wow, I didn't realize how stilted the dialogue maybe I'm just predisposed to be touchy about the writing because this movie was not what it could have been

• "okay Jarvis, you know, I want it all. make sure you copy hill at HQ"

• lullaby method for calming hulk

• so much of the bruce natasha stuff is so awkward. or mostly all of it, really. it's frustrating because it didn't serve a big narrative purpose at all. none of us had to suffer through this awkward for any reason.

• steve encounters wanda in the castle as he's trying to apprehend strucker. she just knocks him back, doesn't get in his head here.

• tony finds that they've got a part of a chitauri whale ship thingy

• tony encounters wanda next and has his vision of being in space and seeing all the avengers dead. and dead steve accusing him of not doing enough to save them. Tony Stark extra guilt special, with side of emotional trauma and nearly dying in the vast emptiness of space surrounded by hostile alien forces trauma.

• "a victory should be honored with revels." "who doesn't love revels?" … I'm pretty sure I wrote that (commentary about stilted dialogue comes back to bite me). Okay, not exactly, but pretty close.

**"They are very fond of merriment and revelry," he confirmed with a wry smile.

"Oh my God, dad will love them," Darcy said, choking on a laugh at the thought of it. "There's nothing Tony likes more than merriment and revelry." **

I'm just saying. Also, I wrote it first. Thank you.

• tony wants to have time to look over the scepter until a farewell party. presumably for Thor, who will take it back to Asgard. Though, he then asks Thor if he's staying for the party. So … I'm still not sure what the party is for. Nobody seems to be saying goodbye to Thor much. Also lots of WWII vets — but that's Tony trolling Steve. Still, unclear on the party purpose.

• Twins, orphaned at 10.

Pietro - increased metabolism and improved thermal-homeostasis Wanda - nuero-electric interfacing, telekinesis, mental manipulation Hill: "He's fast and she's weird".

• iron legion, still kind of creepy Tony

• Bruce: How's he doing? Tony: Unfortunately he's still Barton. Bruce: That's terrible.

Look! Characters acting like they've known each other for longer than five minutes!

• Helen Cho skin grafting magic machine nanomolecular bonding "his cells don't know they're bonding with simulacra" "she is creating tissue" regeneration cradle

• gem in scepter housing a thinking mind of some sort, program,

"Down in strucker's lab I saw some fairly advanced robotics work. they deep-sixed the data, but I've got to guess he's knocking on a very particular door." "Artificial intelligence" "This could be it, Bruce. This could be the key to creating Ultron"

Tony no!

"I thought Ultron was a fantasy." Oh, Bruce, if only.

• "I see a suit of armor around the world." "Sounds like a cold world, Tony." "I've seen colder." Tony is way way freaked out by space invaders. So much. Like whoa.

He and bruce have three days to try and pull the thinking mind out of the scepter

Integration succeeds on the third day.

• Ultron malfunctions immediately, and attacks Jarvis. Then begins assembling a body from the iron legion assembly underneath the office/lab.

• Poor Rhodey, his tank story falls flat when he tells it to Tony and Thor. But adorable.

• annoyingly (not annoyed at Sam), but Falcon's apparently looking for Bucky. "I'm very happy chasing cold leads on our missing persons case. Avenging is your world. Your world is crazy." Darcy needs to spend more time with Sam Wilson. I think they'd bond over superhero craziness and the wtf of it all.

• Rhodey tells his tank story to non-avengers and it kills. Good job, Rhodey. ILU Rhodey.

• oh god, more awkward Bruce and Nat. Please stop. Though, actually, okay, the bar scene, up to a point, is kind of charming, but then it goes super awkward and uncomfortable and makes me cringe a little bit.

And I don't hate bruce/nat in general, but it's just so forced in this film.

Then Steve comes in to force it some more. Stop, Steve. Please, don't help.

I'll continue to ignore all this.

• Clint is sure the hammer thing is a trick. Then everybody tries. Look, sort of team bonding! Thor's face when it moves for Steve is fabulous.

Anyway, then Ultron ruins everything. And already I'm losing interest in watching this film again.

• Iron Legion co-opted by Ultron. Lots of Ultron blah blah 'you're all killers, I'm a global peace initiative, humanity has to evolve, blah blah, peace through killing the avengers'.

It's funny, Ultron snarks at one point about standing around talking about his evil plan. Except, he monologues like six times in this movie.

• Ultron escapes through the internets, goes to the castle in Sokovia and the advanced robotics works Tony noticed earlier, and begins to assemble his robot army and his robot body.

• Rhodey and Hill realize Ultron could go for nuclear codes

• Thor is unhappy with Tony. Because the scepter got away with a Legionnaire. Like threateningly angry, grabbing Tony by the throat angry. Because we've apparently gone back to them only knowing each other for five minutes. Character consistency? What's that?

And then it's everybody turn on Tony time. Look, Tony makes mistakes, big ones, but this whole scene was obnoxious. Steve: "The Avengers were supposed to be different from SHIELD." *sigh*

"We're the Avengers. We can bust arms dealers all the live long day, but that up there, that's the endgame." Tony continues to be very, very wigged by what's coming from space. He's not wrong, but he's also super traumatized.

Tony: "How were you planning on beating that?" (space invasion) Steve: "Together." Tony: "We'll lose." Steve: "Then we'll do that together, too." GOOD PLAN STEVE! GOSH, GLAD YOU'RE A TACTICAL GENIUS. For real, though, that was a dumb thing to say.

I just really don't care for this movie.

Also Ultron killed Jarvis. (not really).

• Wanda and Pietro summoned to a church by Ultron. Who blah blahs about the church being in the exact center of town "the elders decreed it so that everybody could be equally close to god" Does Ultron think he’s God?

Ultron reveals himself to be a robot.

Wanda says she let Tony take the scepter because she saw his fear and knew it would make him self-destruct. If there's one thing Tony likes more than revels, it's self-destructing.

"Is that why you've come? To end the Avengers?" "I've got to save the world. But, also, yeah."

Did Joss use a cliche generator to write this?

• Pietro and Wanda give their tragic backstory.  Stark Industries shells destroys the apartment building they lived in, their parents were killed. One is unexploded and they spend two days staring at the name Stark.

• Ultron is all over the place, Hill reports. Metal man or men attacking robotics labs, weapons facilities, jet propulsion labs. Wanda and Pietro are involved.

and Ultron kills Strucker. don't care. Except, Strucker probably knew something that Ultron wanted hidden.

• Team bonding by looking through paper files for what Strucker might have known! (not much bonding, but, oh well). Thor seems to like to throw files and bankers box lids. Me, too, Thor. Me, too.

Tony IDs Ulysses Klaue. Black market arms. They met from time to time, but Tony never sold him anything. Steve gives him judging face. Shut up your face, Steve. God. For real, dude. (I love Steve, but he's so clunky in this movie. It's the writing/direction not Chris)

Anyway, they realize Gollum stole vibranium from Wakanda by a brand on his neck. So they go track him down in South Africa. How did the Wakandans let him get away with billions of dollars of Vibranium? I mean, he got caught once, but then he clearly escaped and had a lot of the stuff. How did they not hunt him down? Falling down on the job, T'Challa.

• Ultron, Wanda, Pietro get there first. Don't care. Ultron awkwardly quotes the bible -  "Upon this rock I will build my church" -  because … I don't know. Reasons? He thinks he's God now? Maybe? Earlier he liked the 'symmetry of faith' but it's not really expanded on. Who knows. Joss doesn't. Is it supposed to foreshadow him putting the destructo device in the church? Meh. What a stupidly forced line.

• "Keep your friends rich and keep your enemies rich and wait to find out which is which." Apparently from the Wit and Wisdom of Tony Stark. Okay, Tony. Anyway, Gollum IDs the line, suggests Ultron is one of Stark's robots. Ultron takes exception to that and accidentally cuts off one of Gollum's arms. Whoops.

"Don't compare me with Stark. It's a thing with me. Stark is … he's a sickness."

• Team is moving into tanker Gollum is set up in. Fighting and shenanigans.

• Bruce leaves the safety of the quinjet, after he couldn't get communication with the team to ask if the situation was 'code: green'. This will end badly. Stay in the plane, Bruce. Really, though, why did you get out? Okay, you're worried, but you don't like turning green. Maybe … I don't know. I know Tony's armor gets cell reception — did you try calling him independent of the comms? I mean, maybe try that first. (Bruce did not try that first.)

• Wanda tries to whammy Thor. It doesn't seem to work "I am mighty" until it does and he's in a strange stone hall. Wanda gets Nat next. Tries for Clint, but he electrocutes her in the face. Heh. Pietro knocks him down. And Clint suddenly has two more kids.

Meanwhile Nat is having a vision of ballerinas/her training — ceremony where she is sterilized. For, you know, great angst later.  Elsewhere Steve is at a party after the war. He sees Peggy. Of course. Poor Steve. Thor is attacked by Heimdall. "They see you leading us to Hel."

• Wanda goes after Bruce. Tony calls in "Veronica" as Hulk goes on a rampage and the rest of the team is down. Veronica is satellite launched Hulk containment and HulkBuster Iron Man armor.

Tony and Hulk fight, tear up city streets. Are they in Johannesburg? I am not paying much attention. This movie is boring. … checking … IMDB says yes.

Tony tries to remove Hulk from the city. Lots of property damage. Yikes. They destroy a very large building under construction. Tony finally subdues him.

• Hill reports no official calls for Bruce's arrest but it's "in the air." Also, Stark deploys the Stark Relief Foundation (noted). Hill suggests they should all go dark until Ultron can be tracked down. Everybody's plenty traumatized. And now's the part where I will ignore Clint's family that came out of nowhere! (I know it comes from Ultimates. I also know HOW IT ENDS WHICH IS HORRIFIC)

• Ignoring the family on the farm. "We would have called ahead, but we were busy having no idea that you existed." SAME TONY.

• According to IMDB Joss had such a hard time keeping all these characters straight. It was a "nightmare". "They're very disparate characters. The joy of the Avengers (he says as he bitches about them) is they really don't belong in the same room. It's not like the X-Men who are all tortured by the same thing, and have similar costumes. These guys are just all over the place, and it's so tough."

I have not, historically, been on the Joss hate train — certainly the Joss disappointment train — but there's something about that statement that makes me grind my teeth. "They have different costumes!" Really? REALLY? DO THEY REALLY? GOSH THAT IS SO HARD! YOU'RE SO RIGHT! AND THE DIFFERENT CHARACTERS HAVE DIFFERENT BACKSTORIES AND MOTIVATIONS? MY GOD! WHAT UNIMAGINABLE MADNESS! HOW DO YOU SURVIVE?

Lazy. That's what it is. It feels lazy. Unpaid fanfic writers manage it and manage it a lot better than this mess. Ugh. Shut up, Joss.

It goes on to say he was so exhausted that he elected not to direct Infinity Wars. Yeah, I think what really happened was that he was given the option to save face and claim exhaustion and walk away. He checked way the hell out of this movie long before it premiered.

(I took an hour long break here to contain my irritation. Surfed the net. Watched some of the All-Star Game. Had a hotdog.)

• Anyway, back to the Barton farm and the family I will ignore.

Thor is having small child-induced flashbacks. He bails the awkward farm for London and Erik Selvig. Smart man.

Meanwhile, Steve looks around, moping about the normal life he'll never have.

Though, okay, Clint having a convo with Laura "Ultron has these allies. They're kids. They're punks, really. AND I WILL ADOPT THEM HONEY! DON'T YOU WORRY! THEY'RE TWINS AND THEY'RE ANNOYING AND I WILL BRING THEM HOME HERE WHERE THEY BELONG! Someone's going to have to teach them some manners. THEY PROBABLY PUT THEIR FEET ON THE FURNITURE HONEY! BUT, WE CAN RAISE THEM RIGHT!

• U-Gin Genetics Research Lab, Seoul, South Korea. Dr. Cho encounters Ultron. Ultron wants her to make him a squishy flesh and vibranium body. He uses the scepter on her.

• Back on the farm. More Nat and Bruce awkward. Pass. Though, they talk about being monsters (if they are), which is a tenuous and somewhat stretched thin theme in this film. Still super forced and anvilicious.

• Elsewhere Steve and Tony split wood like manly men. And argue.

"Every time somebody tries to stop a war before it starts, innocent people die." This line makes very little sense. It sounds profound, but it's not. Even in the context of what he and Tony are arguing about, it doesn't really make sense. So … you should always war? I don't think that's what you mean, Steve.

UGH! This movie could have been much better in so many ways.

Laura, who I don't hate despite my ignoring, interrupts (bless her) and asks Tony to fix the tractor.

• Tony goes into the barn and runs into Fury, who likes to lurk in dark corners, waiting for his moment to make his dramatic, timely entrances. ILU Fury, never change.

"You're not the director of me." Oh, Tony.

Tony tells Fury about the vision he had — where the Avengers were dead because of him and the whole world, too. "It wasn't a nightmare, it was my legacy. The end of the path I started us on."

But Fury knows all about guilt and tries to pull Tony out. Good luck, Nick. (it sort of works. ish)

• Thor meets Erik in London. Thor in stealth hoody. "I like the look. If you're going for inconspicuous, though, near miss." I miss you, Erik.

• Back at the farm. Fury is briefing them saying Ultron's building something. Re: Ultron: "He's easy to track. He's everywhere. The guy is multiplying faster than a Catholic rabbit".

Tony asks if he's still going after launch codes, Fury confirms he is but isn't making any headway, Tony is a little baffled. "I cracked the Pentagon's firewall in highschool on a dare". Fury says he contacted people at the net hub "the Nexus" in Oslo. Fury says the codes are being changed, Tony asks, by whom. Parties unknown. Fury says Ultron has an enemy, which is not necessarily the same thing as an ally for them. Except it's totally Jarvis, so you're fine.

Fury gives a "buck up little Avengers; go save the world or Barton's kids are dead" speech. Notably the kids were in the room for a lot of this.

They decide Ultron wants to build a human body that is evolved. And Bruce wonders if anybody's talked to Helen lately. Nope, sorry, Bruce. Everybody but Ultron completely forgot about her.

• Helen is amazed at the binding of the vibranium and tissue cells. Ultron calls vibranium the most versatile substance on the planet "and they used it to make a frisbee." then he gives us a yawner humans are limited and dumb and stupid and whatever else speech.

As a member of the general film and television viewing audience, can I ask that maybe Hollywood screenwriters come up with some new material? This speech is almost literally in every single movie. And I mean actual literally and not Chris Traeger literally.

Anyway, Ultron takes the infinity stone out of the scepter and places it on the new body's forehead.

• Erik takes Thor to an underground cistern or something. Erik calls it the Water of Sight. Thor says in every realm there is a reflection. He wants to return to his vision to see what he missed.

Ultimately Thor sees the infinity stones in his vision.

Ahahah. According to IMDB Joss said he wanted this scene to be longer but Marvel said he could pick one — longer Thor scene and trim the farm, or keep all the farm. He chose the farm. Why not? That whole sequence only lasts for seven uncomfortable, stilted hours. Yes, that's what we needed more of. Good choice.

(I'm not going to say we needed a longer Thor scene, but … ugh this movie)

• Tony in Oslo. "A hacker faster than Ultron? He could be anywhere." (HE COULD ALSO BE JARVIS) He likens it to looking for a needle in a haystack. But, it's easy to find one, you just bring a magnet. Then he attempts to hack the launch codes and waits.

• Back in Seoul, the body will be ready in a few hours, but they can start transferring Ultron's cerebral matrix.

Wanda says she can read "him" (the body, aka Vision). "He is dreaming." Helen says it's Ultron's base consciousness. Wanda drifts over and touches the cradle thingy and gets a vision of planetary destruction.

Wanda confronts Ultron. Ultron says "the human race will have every opportunity to improve." Pietro says "and if they don't", to which Ultron replies "ask Noah." Which, really, doesn't make much sense, either. I mean, I get the likening to the flood, but … what? Who is Noah in this scenario? The new flesh body? And again, does Ultron think he's God? Unclear. Nobody knows.

Oh, I guess not. "When the earth starts to settle, God throws a stone at it. And believe me, he's winding up."

This makes no sense.  

U: "We have to evolve. There's no room for the weak." P: "And who decides who's weak?" U: "Life."

Wait. I thought God was throwing stones?

THIS SCRIPT IS SUCH A MESS.

I didn't hate this movie the first time I saw it, I actually enjoyed myself. Which is the point, so good job everybody. But the second time I saw it, I was pretty meh. And now, I'm kind of starting to hate it. Some movies grow on you after a while, this is not one of those movies.

Wanda sneakily hits Helen with some Scarlet Witchery and wakes her from the scepter-induced brainwashing.

(I took a break for another hour. scrolled tumblr. played fallout shelter. had a yogurt. rubbed my cat's tummy until she bit me. QUALITY TIME)

• ANYWAY back to Seoul. Ultron's done bloviating. Helen stupidly draws attention to herself and pauses the cerebral matrix upload. Ultron shoots everybody. Then completely disconnects himself and steals the body. Oh, because the Quinjet is inbound.

• They drop Steve off like three miles away? Why? He doesn't mind jumping out, you know. The lab's an island, you could have just dropped him in the water. But, it wouldn't give us our nifty location shot. So … okay, I guess.

Anyway, Steve runs fast. He gets to the lab and tends to the wounded Dr. Cho. She tells him Ultron's new body plan, but says Steve can't just blow it up, because the gem is in there and its power is uncontainable. Which is weird because it was contained in the scepter. (Normally, I'd let that go, but this script is such an unholy mess, I'm going to be petty. So there!)

• Clint spots the truck carrying ultron and the body. Steve jumps on it. Action and property damage ensues.

Ultron robot guards fly off with the truck. Nat's inside. She's going to airdrop the body to Clint. During the drop, Nat is grabbed by Ultron.

•Wanda and Pietro see the Avengers on the news and decide to go help out. They confront Ultron on a commuter train. Which is, of course, approaching the end of the tracks. GEE NEVER SAW THAT ONE BEFORE. Somehow the train defies physics and despite running into stuff maintains its momentum in order to crash through a lot of buildings dramatically.

• Back at the Tower …

Bruce is ready to destroy the body. But Tony's all, no wait. I have a new bad idea! (Except it's not really bad, but I can see where people are maybe concerned at this point). Also, Tony reveals he found Jarvis. Jarvis went underground. Tony wants Bruce to put Jarvis into the body, in order to override the ultron bits in the body.

"This is the perfect opportunity. We can create Ultron's perfect self, without the homicidal glitches he thinks are his winning personality." You know, I have a hard time thinking Tony would be that tone deaf. There surely had to be another way to get the same end result of the creation of Vision. That is such a dumb thing to say. I get that Tony can be blinded by his quest for knowledge of invention, but this is a little beyond blinded, especially after everything else.

"I'm in a loop. I'm in a time loop. This is exactly where it all went wrong." Bruce says the rightest thing in an hour of this film. Good call Bruce. Nothing says a good time like characters having the same argument repeatedly.

"We're mad scientists. We're monsters, buddy. We've gotta own it. Make a stand." REALLY? REALLY TONY?

Anyway —

• Nat is being held by Ultron. Ultron monologues to her.

This doesn't bother me as much as it bothered some. I mean the Nat being held part. The monologuing was super cliched.

Anyway, Nat is 'held' by Ultron. She immediately starts working on a transmitter, knowing Clint is looking for a signal from her. So, you know, she's able to be a sort of tracker to Ultron. So … why break out if that's where the fight's going down anyway? And when Bruce turns up to "rescue" her, her first thing is all "okay, so what's the play?". So … I'm in the 'she got there first and was just waiting for them to show up' camp.

• Bruce has caved to Tony's weird persuasion. Anyway. Okay.

Steve shows up with the twins to try and stop transferring jarvis to the body. Arguing arguing blah blah. Pietro disconnects the power to the cradle. And Clint finally gets his shot in on that speedy little bastard, and he's so proud of himself.

And now there's more fighting. Steve and Tony go at it. Bruce grabs Wanda. It's all very … not interesting.

Clint runs up and he's got to be all "wtf? who do I aim at?" you're the best, clint and my favorite ever. screw the rest of these idiots, I just want two hours of him and pietro and wanda.

Then Thor turns up. He jumps on the cradle, does his lightening thing and directs it to the cradle. And Vision is born. Thor holds everybody off while Vision figures himself out.

Thor then explains the infinity stones. Vision has the mind gem. He also says that's the source of Wanda's powers.

I like Vision. Also he's pretty. And he is worthy. He hands Thor Mjölnir.

And they're off to Sokovia. Because Clint tracked down the signal Nat sent, because she's waiting for the rest of the idiots to catch up. Make it 2 hours of clint and nat and the twins. I'd pay for that.

• They try to evacuate the city. Steve gives his orders and a soliloquy.

"Ultron thinks we're monsters. That we're what's wrong with the world." Well, Nat and Bruce are on the fence about their monsterness. Also, Tony did just have the bizarre bad idea to embrace his inner monster. That happened like three minutes ago. That was such a weird scene, too. Ugh. This movie! Such a mess! (WE MIGHT BE MONSTERS! ARE MONSTERS MADE ARE THEY INSIDE OF US WHAT MAKES US MONSTERS? DO YOU GET IT? DO YOU? DO YOU?)

"This isn't just about beating him. It's about whether he's right." No, Steve, I'm pretty sure that right now, it should be entirely about beating him. "The Earth could be destroyed and we'll all be dead, but we'll rest comfortably in the ashes of the Barton children knowing that we weren't monsters like Ultron thought we were." You can philosophize after you've saved the planet. UGH!!!

• Ultron's hanging out in the church again. Tony finds him. Ultron asks if Tony's come to confess his sins. So … Ultron is a priest/preacher/minister of some type? Are we narrowing down this tortured and tenuous religious metaphor to something almost coherent? It only took 1:39:41.

He liked the symmetry of faith and he's stuck his destructo device in the middle of the church and it's symbolic of … I got nothing. Because Ultron doesn't really mention anything about it again. And he misses the opportunity to rhapsodize religiously when he's fighting the God of Thunder.

Look, go for the metaphor/allegory/whatever, or don't. Just don't half-ass it.

• Apparently this armor is the Mark XLV. (I hope Tony recycles, because those things are expensive and that's Darcy's inheritance he's burning through with FORTY-FIVE suits of armor. Not counting War Machine or the Iron Intern.)

• Vision traps Ultron's matrix to, I guess, the local ultron bot network, so he can't escape through the internets. Did ultron bots elsewhere in the world just drop? Or are they all called to Sokovia for this? I'll assume so. Figure travel time.

• Ultron's device will lift a chunk of the city and then drop it, making a big bomb that will ultimately destroy the world.

• A zillion ultron bots invade the city. And now it'll be six hours of cgi robot battles. I want to take a nap.

• Ultron monologues again. "You, Avengers, you are my meteor. My swift and terrible sword." So … he's back to maybe being God now? I'm so confused.

"And the Earth will crack with the weight of your failure." Wait, I thought they were your sword? Is it their failure that they've become your sword, or will they fail as your sword?

• Bruce/Nat scenes that actually aren't entirely terrible. I do really like "I adore you" SHOVE. Heh. ILU Nat.

• I never noticed before that Friday has some sort of Irish-ish accent.

• Clint and his new daughter Wanda are fighting off robots and rescuing people. And she's all "how could I let this happen? this is my fault?" and clint gives his inspiring "yeah, it's everybody's fault. chin up kid. the city is flying. I've got like twelve arrows. Go out there and you're an Avenger, let's go kill robots" speech. It was better than than Cap's. (ILU Cap, but you're poorly written in this movie)

Wanda decides to be an Avenger and goes robot smashing and Clint looks at her with such pride. (Well, no, he just nods and tells Cap they're clear)

And then Pietro runs up and calls him old man and Barton Bartons, he takes aim on Pietro from behind. "Nobody would know. Nobody. 'The last I saw him, an Ultron was sitting on him. Yeah, he'll be missed, that quick little bastard. I miss him already.'" Ha.

That's always worth watching a couple times. I mean, hey, AoU is not entirely irredeemable. There's good bits. There's just also a lot of not good bits.

• More robot fighting. Stark and Friday are trying to come up with a solution. Tony's got the idea to blow up/vaporize the flying part of the city, to keep it from hitting the ground and, you know, killing the planet.

Fury, always a master of timing, shows up with the primary helicarrier for evac of the city. Pietro is impressed.

And they bring along Rhodey!

• More robot fighting.

• Barton goes to rescue a kid. There's shooting. Pietro saves them by suddenly running slow enough to get hit by bullets. And dies. Because … ? After everything they did to work out the rights to Pietro and Wanda for this film and for the MCU in general, to go and kill one of them off, it's so irritatingly stupid.

• Anyway, it distracts wanda and an ultron hits the destructo device, dropping the city while Tony is busy trying to vaporize it.

• Somehow Hulk ended up on a quinjet. I don't know, I wasn't paying attention. And he has it in stealth mode and he just takes off despite Nat's attempts to call him back.

• Vision has a final confrontation with what's left of Ultron. "Stark asked for a savior and settled for a slave." So … he's Jesus? NOBODY KNOWS. Vision saves us all by finishing him off.

• The New Avengers Facility in upstate New York has a HUGE staff. I don't think I ever noticed that, either. Including, Erik Selvig.

• Steve and Tony try to rationalize why Vision can pick up Mjölnir, Thor's just content to ignore them and say Vis can keep the mind gem because he's worthy and such. "Elevator's not worthy."

Thor takes off back to Asgard on account of how all the infinity stones keep turning up. So somebody's mucking about, and by Odin's neckbeard he'll find out what!.

Tony is taking a break from Iron Man-ing. New team reveal — Sam, Rhodey, Wanda, Vision.

• Estimated Time: Three days to try to integrate the Ultron AI. AI attacks at night. Next day they ID Gollum. They arrive in South Africa in daylight, so next next day. Five Days then? Then they arrive at Farm at daylight, early morning. Another day. Fury is there at night. They leave at night. So on to day six. Go to Seoul, and Tony to Oslo. Two more days? Then Vision is born at night and then to Sokovia. Another day.  So … the week and a half of Ultron.