#except for when the gyno had me induce periods

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Horrific news. My period might have returned.

[colorstormx]

anyway uh. yeah this has been fucking with me more than I'd like to admit the past couple of days and I think I just need to talk about it for a bit

warning for a few things under the cut - menstruation, medical stuff, disordered eating

so. my last period started at the end of April, and didn't really stop until the end of July. technically I'm still spotting a bit but it's not the absolute bloodfest that it was earlier.

I got a gyno appointment because of said bloodfest and they ended up giving me an ultrasound and sending me in for blood work. the ultrasound showed ovarian cysts, and the blood work was normal except for high insulin. technically they tested my testosterone level too, but that result still isn't in yet. apparently it takes them forever to get it so. shrugs.

they basically diagnosed me with polycystic ovarian syndrome, although they need that testosterone result to really confirm it since I don't have a lot of the other common PCOS symptoms. my period was pretty regular up until this year and isn't usually super painful, and I don't really have extra hair in unusual spots.

my gyno pointed out the high insulin though, and said that PCOS is associated with insulin resistance and prescribed metformin. she also said that diet changes can help, and gave me a handout about it. apparently being at a higher weight can make symptoms worse.

and all of this is coming at a time when I had finally started to accept my body and feel more comfortable eating the way I want to. :')

I've had some rough experiences with body image and restrictive eating over the years, although I guess it was never technically a full-blown ED, just... really bad habits and a lot of excess guilt over everything I allowed myself to eat. and I thought I'd finally gotten past that, but seeing this handout just feels like it validates every harsh thought, every bit of guilt I ever felt about eating stuff that wasn't like. raw vegetables and bland chicken.

and I know that it's not actually advocating for anything super extreme, just moderation, but there's an obsessive streak in me that makes everything feel way more black and white than it actually is. like if I don't follow the stupid "sample diet" listed there I'm gonna get a bad grade in PCOS management. god it's so stupid but at the same time my mental state has just absolutely tanked over this, I'm overanalyzing everything and super self conscious of my body again and I'm just so tired of everything about it

I miss the blissful ignorance, I guess.

everything is just still new and weird to me right now. it's gonna take a while to process everything and I know I'll be fine in the end, I just hate having to get there.

anyway at least we're moving apartments in less than 2 months now. I can't wait to get out of this shithole. god I swear I'm gonna make an official commissions post bc it would really be nice to have some extra funds on hand for the move, and my hours at work are already starting to dip as summer ends. augh. anyway if you want me to draw something just ask and we can figure things out <3

so uh. yeah. good job on reading this far if you made it. I'm... horrible at reaching out to specific people to talk about stuff like this, so having it all out there in a semi public environment for people to reply to if they happen to see it is? a little less stress inducing, I guess. I just hate feeling like I'm bothering people with stuff. that all being said... please at least like this post if you read it all the way through? replies would be nice too, I just. want to be heard I guess.

[noonslullabies]

Fuck allergies

((noon complains loudly while not getting read more on this fucking app))

...

Mine decided to show up the one week i forgot the nasal spray.

My top teeth, while being severely effected by the chronic pain, act the fuck up whenever the Earth sneezes into the next season.

Ok, more gums, but it still counts if the tooth acts up.

I am going to get some drastic dental work soon, but this couldve all been avoided if any medical professional question why the 10 year old suddenly has numerous abscessed teeth and in need of root canals.

But no. It was my fault, all my fault.

Because how was I supposed to know I was in so much pain that it caused my top row of teeth to rot, but no, I was lazy. Stop complaining, you don't know what real pain is like. When the body has badshit going down, the teeth react as means of warning, so HA I AM NOT A FUCKING LIAR.

*slams head against wall*

If i dont reply back, my mouth hurts, and my government thinks I shouldnt have my pain medicine because I am drug addict. *facepalm*

God or the univeral consciousness of message bottles, make pot legal or allow us chronically ill to have some for reasonable price because reality sucks when you can't move. Much less think, hold a normal conversation, try to meet people with common interests, tell your friends youve avoided for two years the reason why you left, or having a fucking future & not having to deal with ptsd induced flashbacks because i am not 10 anymore ....

Well, if I feel this shitty, my period is coming, it only felt like a few days break from hell... oh wait, it was.

((I have a primary doc who diagnosed the illness yet cannot confirm because she cant order for the tests, just the specialist I saw several years ago, so unofficial endowarrior. Except ma couldve had it, but her gyno doc, who pray never sees me again or i will claw her eyes out because shes half the reason I dont remember 2012, didnt do her job & my ma's sister has it, so guess all the cousins are carriers while others unknowingly have it thinking they are just weak for being in fucking never ending hell pain. ...if that family wasnt so toxic, I could help, but I am prolly the winner that has it while the rest get to carry whatever the fuck gene is that causes this fucking never ending nightmare))

*curls up into ball w cat* Roo is rootiful.