#example two. why change it from the truth to despair.

[samdyke]

we can rehash the same things forever because they never make any more sense and we have yet to learn anything that makes it clear For example why did jensen ackles record the confession on his phone And then let everyone in the world know he had done this. for what purpose.

[jon-sedai]

I do think it’s quite interesting how GRRM’s ideals of a good king are confronted and challenged in Jon’s storyline.

Jon is undoubtedly a good person. And he has the capability to be a good king. But being a good person in the world of ASOIAF is not always rewarded. And being a good king is easier said than done.

“They say the king gives justice and protects the weak.” She started to climb off the rock, awkwardly, but the ice had made it slippery and her foot went out from under her. Jon caught her before she could fall, and helped her safely down. The woman knelt on the icy ground. “M’lord, I beg you—”

“Don’t beg me anything. Go back to your hall, you shouldn’t be here. We were commanded not to speak to Craster’s women.”

“You don’t have to speak with me, m’lord. Just take me with you, when you go, that’s all I ask.”

All she asks, he thought. As if that were nothing.

“I’ll … I’ll be your wife, if you like. My father, he’s got nineteen now, one less won’t hurt him none.”

(Jon III, ACOK)

The situation with Gilly at Craster’s Keep is a perfect example of how difficult it is to give the king’s justice in certain situations. Jon wants to help Gilly, he even feels guilty and horrible for choosing not to, but he cannot so easily offer his help because he is a man of the Night’s Watch.

What’s interesting about this conversation is that Gilly addresses and appeals to Jon as she would a king. She places herself as the weak party and Jon as the king who is expected to protect the weak. She kneels to him, as one kneels to a king, and addresses him as “M’lord”; ironic because Jon is just a bastard, who is now a member of the Night’s Watch. Much has been said about this exchange, and fandom often gives Jon a lot less empathy than he deserves. The truth is that he is in a very terrible situation, notwithstanding the character development that is to come regarding his perception of the wildlings.

But I’m looking back at GRRM’s quote about how being king gives one wealth and power and ability to do something, anything. This is something that Jon absolutely lacks in this situation. He may have been symbolically positioned as the rightful king by the narrative, but that doesn’t mean he has any actual power to enact change within the narrative itself. If Jon were nearly as callous about this whole situation as this fandom wants us to believe, he wouldn’t feel so guilty about refusing to help Gilly as he does later on. P.S: I also want to note that Sam is often lauded for being the one to help the girl, “unlike Jon”…except, Sam only does so when the chaos that follows the mutiny and Craster’s death gives Gilly the opportunity to flee. Sam understood that he had no power to help Gilly early in ACOK and that’s why he sent her to Jon. But he also overestimated just how much Jon would be able to do at that moment. Jon may have been the Lord Commander’s steward, but that didn’t give him the ability to go against Mormont (especially when the LC himself was turning a blind eye to Craster’s vices).

It’s then interesting how this situation of a young girl trying to flee a precarious situation is repeated later on in ADWD and this time, Jon manages to help her. Except the difference is that Jon is the Lord Commander now, not just the LC’s steward. What he couldn’t do for Gilly in ACOK, he can do for Alys even though that too places him in a tough situation.

“Why not the king? Karhold declared for Stannis.”

“My uncle declared for Stannis, in hopes it might provoke the Lannisters to take poor Harry’s head. Should my brother die, Karhold should pass to me, but my uncles want my birthright for their own. Once Cregan gets a child by me they won’t need me anymore. He’s buried two wives already.” She rubbed away a tear angrily, the way Arya might have done it. “Will you help me?”

“Marriages and inheritance are matters for the king, my lady. I will write to Stannis on your behalf, but—”

Alys Karstark laughed, but it was the laughter of despair. “Write, but do not look for a reply. Stannis will be dead before he gets your message. My uncle will see to that.”

“What do you mean?”

“Arnolf is rushing to Winterfell, ’tis true, but only so he might put his dagger in your king’s back. He cast his lot with Roose Bolton long ago … for gold, the promise of a pardon, and poor Harry’s head. Lord Stannis is marching to a slaughter. So he cannot help me, and would not even if he could.” Alys knelt before him, clutching the black cloak. “You are my only hope, Lord Snow. In your father’s name, I beg you. Protect me.”

(Jon IX, ADWD)

We’re seeing a repeat of Gilly and Jon here. Alys is now the weak and helpless maid and Jon, who is still a brother of the Night’s Watch, is once again made to play the role of a king.

Obviously the narrative, as it was with Gilly’s situation in ACOK, is saying that Jon is the king because while Alys could’ve pinned her hopes on Stannis Baratheon (who is actually titled), she chose to flee north to Jon the bastard. And what’s interesting this time is that Jon actually helps Alys in whatever way he can. He uses his status as Lord Commander and his dealings with the Thenns to secure Alys’ marriage. He oversteps his bounds as Lord Commander, and the irony is that he starts to act more as a king would.

So it’s interesting to see how the character often marked as the true king by GRRM’s narrative handles the moral obligations that come with kingship. And GRRM is putting Jon through these tests when he doesn’t even have a crown of his own. GRRM often makes Jon prove his worth as a king despite thinking of himself only as a bastard. We see this best when Stannis comes to the Wall.

Surprisingly, Stannis smiled at that. “You’re bold enough to be a Stark. Yes, I should have come sooner. If not for my Hand, I might not have come at all. Lord Seaworth is a man of humble birth, but he reminded me of my duty, when all I could think of was my rights. I had the cart before the horse, Davos said. I was trying to win the throne to save the kingdom, when I should have been trying to save the kingdom to win the throne.” Stannis pointed north. “There is where I’ll find the foe that I was born to fight.”

(Jon XI, ASOS)

It is true that Jon and Stannis are in very different situations. Stannis is aware that he is the rightful king (as Robert’s heir), and he has also heard from Melisandre that he is the prophesied prince. Jon, on the other hand, is a bastard boy completely unaware of his royal birth or his magical destiny. Yet it’s so interesting that it’s Jon the bastard who was actually doing his duty as the king (without even knowing it) whereas Stannis had to be reminded of it. So despite his failings every now and then, Jon does live up to the author’s ideal of a great king.

[starlightscarsyt]

Why I Adore Charuko - A Ramble/Essay from the Charuko CEO

In this...ramble...essay, I want to break down one of my biggest OTPs I've ever had in a fandom. And that pairing? Teruko Tawaki x Charles Cuevas from Danganronpa: Despair. Commonly known as either Charuko or Lucky Chemistry. It's time I talk about why I love them & what makes them click for me!

Before I get into this, I want to remind everyone that the purpose of this is not to try and convince people to like the ship or to belittle another ship. It's purely me wanting to connect with fellow Charuko fans & have fun as I just gush about this pairing. That being said, I would appreciate if you guys please be respectful & not send hate towards this post, myself, or any other people who like Charuko. This post isn't an excuse for you to be hateful.

With that being said, let's get onto why I personally love Charuko / Lucky Chemistry!

Dynamic & Current Relationship

The dynamic between Teruko & Charles is one that I find the most fun, regardless if it's in a platonic or romantic view. I'll be skimming over the prologue since it doesn't say a whole lot about their dynamic in the beginning, and I'll dive into Ch1. In Ch1 Episode 1, Teruko is assigned to explore with Charles as a means of safety, and right off the bat, there's a few scenes that give us as viewers an idea of their dynamic. And that dynamic is blunt x snark. They make constant jabs at eachother, but also sort of think alike in some areas. Neither of them wants to be with the other, but they both know that they have no choice but to tag along eachother. Shown in the screen shots below is just a few examples of their dynamic from the episode.

Ch1 Episode 1 really sets down the dynamic. Two individuals who are completely honest to eachother & have no problem taking jabs, but can easily come to agreements when it comes down to it. This is essentially their dynamic for most of Ch1, but there's a few more things to add that I hadn't mentioned yet.

• Teruko finds Charles fun to tease due to his flustered reactions. She refers to him as "cactus lover" and even makes a few witty marks at him that cause him to get embarrassed.

• Charles, while thinking Teruko is quite dumb, does acknowledge that she does have few bits of smartness in her, just not in the way that he does.

Moving on, their dynamic changes quite a bit in Ch2, which makes sense considering that in this point of time, Teruko closes herself off from everyone in order to not trust anyone again. Ch2 Episode ends off like this. Charles asks Teruko if she's heading to the second floor, following that if she needs a partner to explore with, then he'd do it, which she soon rejects.

This is later explored when Whit tells Teruko that Charles wants to talk to her in the infirmary. Teruko, while hesitant at first, does decide to go & see what he wants out of pure curiousity. When she arrives, she immediately gives herself a bad papercut from a book. Once Charles shows up, Teruko quickly hides her hand because of his fear of blood. While talking, Teruko drops a bit of her life story to Charles, telling him about how difficult her life has been up until this point, and Charles stands there and listens quite intently.

Moving on, Charles explains that he wanted give the secret he recieved from the secrets motive to her. He explains that this is because he acknowledges that Teruko is the type to reveal the truth when necessary. He knows she'd say something when it's called for. Teruko grabs the secret from Charles, and before she leaves, we get this:

CHARLES. WITH A BLUSH ON HIS FACE. STATES THAT HE LIKES TALKING TO TERUKO & TELLS HER NOT TO TAKE IT THE WRONG WAY.

While he explains that it's because she doesn't pity him like everyone else, there is still some genuine feelings about what he said.

He straights points on their dynamic, with A GODDAMN SMILE ON HIS FACE. Charles may not be the type to be all mushy with his emotions, but the fact that he smiles while thinking of his dynamic with Teruko is very sweet. After this whole ordeal, Teruko leaves with Charles going after her due to him trying to call her out on how her behavior right now is only going to hurt her like it hurt him, with it leading to beautiful gem of MonoTV pouncing on Charles.

As the chapter progresses, there isn't too much to say about Charles & Teruko's relationship until the trial. In Ch2 Episode 11, during Teruko's fight with David, she finds herself knocked in a corner. Charles notices this, and immediately slashes down David's words.

While we don't know what was discovered due to the hiatus & the rest of Ch2 being worked on, it can be said that Charles noticed something Teruko didn't, and thinks they'll be in for a big mess.

So, what is their current relationship? Overall, it's a mixture of two snarks who are always being snide to eachother, but also individuals who are foils, thinking similarly in more ways than one.

Aesthetics & Cuteness

On top of me jusy adoring their dynamic, I'm also in love with the aesthetic & overall cuteness this ship brings.

The color palettes.

I'M A SUCKER FOR PURPLE & GREEN COLOR PALETTES, SO THESE TWO HAVING THOSE PALETTES IS SO LOVELY TO ME! Their palettes together can make for some beautiful art, especially if it's themed around nature. On top of that, you could put them in eachother's signature color, and it'd look really pretty! It's so aesthetically pleasing, and it gets me all giddy!

Also, they really are just so cute together! I adore ships where the pairing feels like an old married couple, and they def feel like it! Just a pairing who make fun of eachother & are just kinda silly!

THEY ARE ALSO SOSOSOSO AESTHETIC OUTSIDE OF THEIR COLORS! Like, I could put them in settings like a cottage or a forest, and they'd look so pleasing together! It'd just be so beautiful, EEEEE!

Headcanons + Conclusion

To end off this lil' ramble / essay, I'mma just drop a buncha Charuko hcs! I hope you had fun reading this! NOW ENJOY THE HEADCANONS, WEEE!

• They usually go on picnic dates, indoor dates, or baking dates!

• Charles loves to style Teruko's hair in different ways. He thinks almost any style would look pretty on her.

• Teruko tries to get into things Charles likes, such as gardening or reading. She'd just want to try and connect with him more!

• On their shopping dates, Teruko always asks Charles for his opinion on any outfit she chooses to buy / wear. He gives his honest opinions, but also reminds her that he thinks anything could look good on her.

• They're very much touch-starved, so they cuddle a lot when nobody's looking.

• GIRLFAILBOSS X MALEWIFE VIBES!

• Cottagecore softies on a nice day...Let Teruko be more girly & Charles embrace a softer side.../pos

[silurisanguine]

Dragon Age the Veilguard review

Spoilers spoilers spoilers spoilers!!!!!!! I cannot emphasise enough how many spoilers are below.

You have been warned. Putting below the cut so as to NOT spoil you. If you click on it, that's on you as I will be talking about the end game as well as points within...as well as this man's romance.

THE GOOD

The world building - The lore, omg the lore. Finding out that the original Elves were spirits that made their bodies and became real - and that Mythal begged Solas to do it even though he didn't want to - That was why he didn't like Cole wanting to be human. He was projecting his regret onto another spirit!

It's insane to realise that Solas's regret is made of so many actions that have formed the world of Thedas as it is at that moment! That him waking up and seeing the world as it is, because of his actions drove him to despair. No wonder he was hellbent on changing things back!

Now I know some people are pissed at the new lore in the game, that it contradicts previous, well I'm sorry, but that's bullshit. Every past game and book/comic until recently, the lore has been told through unreliable narration. Told by characters who didn't have the full picture, who were going off what they had been told or learnt through past generations.

As someone whose read, played everything DA, what we get now is accurate and fits perfectly as the hints were there from the start and I love how the dots are connected now.

The Dalish for example got so much wrong, because after the wars, their people scattered to the winds, taking what they could and rebuilding. They lost so much and what was left they patch-worked together into a broken mirror of their actual history. Because they were so separated, those cultures even had different views on things like magic, where one clan would embrace their mages, whilst others feared them.

In fact pretty much every big religion or faith in Thedas is built upon lies and half truths. The dwarves Stone, the Chantry's Andraste and the Maker, Tevinter's old gods.

What we are finding out in this game is the actual truth of the past. Yes we are told it through one or two people, but they were there and we physically see the results of those actions confirmed as having happened. Much of the truth Solas tried to hide because it hurt too much, but we find it out anyway, so that is not misinformation, but the actual history.

I think some people's issues are because their headcanons are being disproved and they don't like it. It's like, how often would a historian be pleased if someone from the ancient past time travelled and told them everything they thought about a culture was wrong? Some may love the chance to talk with someone from that time, but as I've seen as a fan of ancient history, many baulk against their ideas being refuted and lash out at anyone who tries to think of a different theory.

On another point with the lore I also actually love how it's a blank slate by the end of the game. The final blight ended with the Blight destroyed, Elven gods dead or gone. Thedas will be something new next time around and that isn't a bad thing. In a way Solas did change everything once more and we as the player are living through it rather than finding out about it from past knowledge.

The writing - I was utterly blown away by the story. It is in general so well written. The way the main theme of the game is regret. Each character we meet has regrets of some kind, some at the start of their journey, others as they go. Even the Rook by the end, but they all work past it and if you do everything right, you can help Solas work past his too.

I was worried when I heard about a moment at the end of the game feeling cheap. But it works. It's heartbreaking, and as I mentioned below limiting in choice, But the way it's done. it's meaningful. That noble sacrifice, that no matter what theme, that if they don't no one will be left. It's a gut punch but good and not unknown to Dragon Age games.

Then there is the other utter heartbreaking moment…Varric. I was gobsmacked but like the Rook, I knew deep down he was dead all along. I saw that stab to the chest at the start and knew then no one can survive that, but I wanted him to be alive. But I don't think he was truly just a projection of Solas. No projection would have helped Rook escape the fade prison Solas put them in. He was there for her..one last time. (when I play it again, seeing the telltale signs will be bittersweet)

Each character has such distinct personalities and I love how they are written. Each feel alive and you want to get to know them. Some are acerbic to start but they have reasons to be. Others are scary by reputation, but absolute kittens in reality -once -you -get- to- know- them. Their side missions are meaningful, not wasteful to the story. As I found with all the side missions. I didn't find a single side mission to be boring or time wasting as they just added to the story rather than be filler. I love how each character reacts to how the player presents themselves too. For example I've learnt Lucanis loves if the Rook is cheeky in most responses to him personally, but Emmerich likes the soft (thumbs up) responses.

The romances- For me there was only one choice to start with and it will be my canon romance and that dear readers is Lucanis Dellamorte. So I only know the full romance playthrough for him as I write this, but it spoke to me on so many levels.

Once he knows himself, is secure with what's happened to him, he gives his all to the romance. It's slow burn, romantic, caring and dangerous and that final romance scene...be still my beating heart. the way he kneels before Rook, the look of sheer utter devotion and love he has for them. Holy shit...and then the wings. Fuuuuu. Spite is such an interesting character too and the writer has confirmed he loves Rook in his own way too by the end of it. The Rook helped him and he trusts them.

I fell for Lucanis the moment I saw his concept art, but it was confirmed the moment I saw him on screen that he was the one I would pursue and I don't regret picking him in the slightest.

But, I have watched all the final romance scenes and they fit each character so well. Some are delightfully sweet - (Bellara, Harding,) some deeply romantic and knee shakingly endearing- (Lucanis, Emmerich) and others passionate and intense - (Neve, Taash and Davrin), just like their characters. They fit each one well. So there is something for everyone. (My next new character I make will romance Emmerich because my goth heart loves they make love on a tomb and in a coffin!) Yes the love scenes are not explicit as some Bioware games, but I don't need to see everything on screen and sometimes find when they are too explicit they get cringy and sometimes don't age well.

In a romance I want the chemistry, I want the emotion, the intention and scene to fit the character's personality and these do perfectly…and again I have fanfic and art to fill in the blanks 😉

The graphics- My god Thedas is breathtaking. I have taken so many photos in game! The environments are truly alive. Seeing new places like Treviso (my favourite, I could live there), Rivain's coast, The Grand Necropolis and Arlathan come to life is an utter joy. Then places like Minrathous, the Hossburg wetlands, just made even more beautiful than their architecture style was in Inquisition (and DA2 as I definitely saw some Kirkwall ambience in Docktown), but keeping the same themes as we saw there, was a joy and felt connected.

I do like that they created hubs rather than massive open worlds. each area felt rich with things to do…rather than massive open expanses with nothing in between. Even if part of me would have liked to have gone…over there to a place we couldn't get to 🤣But I had that in Inquisition as I always want to see more! I'd love to have seen more of Rivain for example as they have such an interesting culture, but it is what it is and what is there is gorgeous.

As for the graphics of the characters, I have quickly grown to love it, practically within the first few minutes of playing. The expressiveness of the characters is second to none. I have made such a beautiful Rook, I love the way she expresses herself and they feel alive even if they have a stylisation to them. The character creator is expansive and the hair..oh god the hair is gorgeous. Yaay long hair!

I see complaints that it's such a different style, but then each Dragon Age game has different stylisation! See these handy images for a refresher! -

Look at them- ALL different!

Varric for example has changed each game, yet he's still Varric! That nose, those eyes, that hairline....that...ahem ring pendant and expansive chest.

Morrigan too, is different, because especially in Veilguard, much has changed for her. She's gone from a naive hedgewitch, to a royal court advisor to....vessel of a god's memories.

A perfect example though is Isabela. She has appeared in some form in every game so this gives an even better example of how a character has changed, but is still the same character.

Plus people age, so they are going to look different! Isabela looks over a decade older than how she appeared in DA2 yet still smokin hot.

The music- They got Hans Zimmer to do the theme! He is a genius when it comes to emotionally charged, powerful music, so I adore the theme so much. Lorne Balfe then knocked it out the park with a ost that I have been listening to constantly. Each track feels like a finished piece rather than just ambient sound, like some of the previous OST tracks. Not to say I didn't like some of the previous- Inquisition/Trespasser is one of my favourites too and some of the earlier tracks are also beautiful, but I cant listen to those whole OSTs like I can with this.

The polish- I have had very very few bugs with this game which is a breath of fresh air. I play on PS5 and it's been smooth as butter for 99% of the gameplay. Crashing once and with only one all be it hilarious visual bug of a man in just underpants floating in mid air whilst a scene played between Rook and Harding! Other than that I've experienced no lag, no constant crashing or jarring graphic issues. Now I think those who play on PC have been getting more bugs, but I cannot speak for them, only myself. Now onto the things i had issue with in the game -

THE BAD

combat mechanics- I had to turn the difficulty down in order to play the game, which is fine, thankfully there is a difficulty changer than doesn't effect achievements. I do like to play games on normal difficulty to get the full experience, but due to the style of combat they brought in here that was impossible for me.

I think it's the constant barrage of magic/effects colours and light during combat and the reliance on blocking/dodging God of War style combat that my eyes and brainfog cant cope with. (I had a similar experience with that game.)

I played as a rogue, with full intention to be mostly archery, but due to how the enemies all zero in on you unless you have found the deflect rune, it is pretty impossible to maintain distance, so I went all in on dual wield. The dodge function was a lot easier to remember so I became a master of that by the end of it, using the bow when I had enough range to start. I'm sure the more I play it, the more comfortable I'll be with the combat but I don't play Dragon Age games for the combat, I play for the story, the characters and the lore. So if I needed to play on the second easiest setting, so be it. companion comment handholding This is minor and it eases off after a while, but at the start the companion commentary to do things before you've even looked at the area was a bit much. I get offering suggestions, but do it once a player has not done the objective after a while. I get explaining new mechanics too, especially to new comers to the game, but there should be a slider to turn off suggestion commentary, especially once you've played it more than once.

Past game decisions- Now I don't have a problem with decisions the Warden or Hawke made having much consequence so further into the future as much of what they did was expanded upon in Inquisition anyway. But the Inquisition and Inquisitor? Someone who is directly linked to what is occurring now? I'd expect more than just - did they like Solas and who did they romance having some mention in this game. (though it seems the latter doesn't matter as my Inquisitor never mentioned their romance so must have only mattered if it was Solas or Dorian).

But it wouldn't have been hard to have mentioned who was running Orlais during their letters to the Rook. Also, in dialogue, would have been nice if they had said who was Divine, how the mages/Templars are helping or that if you asked the Wardens to help they weren't so angry with the Inquisitor but had bigger issues to deal with.

Also with other characters that appear, would it have been hard for Morrigan to at least once mention Kieren as well if she had him? Or if she drank from the Well of Sorrows? (considering she is carrying the memories of Mythal and Flemeth inside her, having drunk from the Well would have meant so much more.)

Or Isabela to mention Hawke if romanced? Dorian I believe does at least make comments if he romanced the Inquisitor, mentioning his Amatus. I guess they wanted them as surprises in game, but I wouldn't have minded a world state slider in the creation menu as that wouldn't have given anything away.

So yeah I think that is a misstep on Bioware's part and the only flaw in the writing for me. (Apart from knowing Flemeth was dead dead, but that's because I love Kate Mulgrew and would have been awesome for Flemeth to have had words with Elgar'nan and Ghilan'nain. But her words ' as the music plays we dance', suggests Flemeth knew then her time was up and why she passed what she could through the Eluvian to Morrigan.)

The sacrifice - I don't hate that a character dies at the end. It fits the 'what ever it takes' fight against the insurmountable and I do like a bit of angst in my stories.

But the choice of just two characters I feel, is limiting. Also, the fact is the choice isn't just two people, If you choose Davrin: Assan dies as well. If it was just Davrin, I could pick him to nobly sacrifice himself and Rook would look after Assan. But it's not and I cant bare to loose that griffon. Not when they have only just come back to the world. So Sorry Harding.

Part of me would have loved the ME2 option of doing everything right means everyone survives, but again the theme is regret and doing what ever it takes, even if that means someone willingly sacrifices themselves to save the rest.

So I get it and it was emotional to witness but it meant something. Personally I'd like to think Harding returns to the Stone, that because her body wasn't found, then the Stone took her.

The attack choice- I don't hate the fact you need to choose to go to Minrathous or Treviso. That is a great moment, like choosing mages or Templars. What I don't like is the fact Minrathous loses SO many more points than Treviso - 250 compared to 100 for Treviso.

It should be the same!

In fact Minrathous should be less and Treviso more considering what we are told beforehand:

-Minrathous has a standing army, which has been at war for ages so is honed to repel attacks. Full of war mages who could use very powerful magic to repel a dragon attack. -Treviso is under occupation by the Antaam and has NO army. The Crows are not an army and don't have the infrastructure to be one. They would be sitting ducks compared.

Yet they don't suffer as much from a Dragon Attack and subsequent take over by the Antaam? That makes no sense and once some people know, they wont play the game for the story, they will play tactically...especially knowing the ending fight.

That is probably my biggest grievance with the game and needs to be fixed. Because I'm a Lucanis romancer first and foremost so will always pick Treviso! (I will do one playthrough choosing the opposite eventually🤣just not soon.)

So yeah, those are my issues with the game. Certainly nothing like what some people have been complaining about, which frankly have been bullshit. in all I would give Veilguard an 8 out 10. It's up there in my top games for sure. I can see past the minor flaws to what is still a fantastic game and will play again and again!

[timeskip]

I FINISHED UMINEKO!!!!!!!!

In answer arcs I have 83.5 hours (this includes time idling, which I did more of than I'd have liked. I also played with a voice acting mod, so I spent more time listening to the voices than someone would spend simply reading it) which added to the question arcs playtime means I spent 172.4 hours with it over the past 3 months and 19 days ^-^

Mostly spoiler free overall thoughts:

I feel like Umineko is exactly the kind of story it's trying to be. Any criticism I throw at it is meaningless in that it's not TRYING to be what I want. And that's beautiful. It's a story about mysteries, what it means to create one and what it means to hide the truth. It's about family, how family hurts and helps you, about hope for the future and staying alive for it. It's about how without love the truth cannot be seen. There's a lotttt of things that Umineko is about, and I think overall it hits the mark really well in what it wants to do. And I admire it deeply. It takes some HUGE swings.

However, I feel like it didn't hit me as much as I wanted it to. But!!!! Certain parts (episodes 6 and 3, in particular) I felt were SO INCREDIBLY PEAK, and I enjoyed it the whole way through. It was consistently engaging even when it was confusing, but I feel like I, someone who struggles to create in depth theories on mysteries, am not the target audience for a story like this. And that's fine!! But even though I have theories, it does mean that the ambiguity keeps me from understanding "the truth," which is so vital to understanding the reasons for the game, and for the mystery. But then again, the point is that it's ambiguous. I respect that a lot, even though sometimes it felt like it was unclear in a way that didn't suit what I want from stories.

I also loved the characters, Erika was my favorite because there's something deeply wrong with her, but in general I just LOVE LOVE LOVE the amount of fucked up women in the game. I'll put a spoilery tierlist under the cut ^^

Ultimately I think where it suffers most is that it's unfocused. It's so long and winding, and in a way that fits with what it is, but I feel like there's just so many characters and plot points that the themes end up shifting and changing too much over the course of the story. Episode 1 is a completely different story from episodes 5-8, which is both good and bad. I don't dislike unfocused stories btw (Hunter x Hunter is a favorite of mine and that's really unfocused) but Umineko tries to do SO MUCH, especially with Beatrice, that I can't get a hold on what it's trying to say. Some characters I feel didn't have full clear arcs despite being initially presented as major characters, for example. It's just something that happens, though. I don't hate it for that by any means.

(It's really hard to explain why Umineko didn't hit me as hard as I wanted it to but hopefully you understand my vague feelings...!!)

tl;dr: It's a really good story, an amazing feat that it even exists in the way it does, and while certain things didn't work for me, it was an amazing experience.

---

Spoilery thoughts, especially on the very end of episode 8:

First, the promised tier list: (I have to split it into two images sorry lol)

Not ordered at all within tiers 🫶 I hope my taste isn't too bad (whether Erika being my favorite is good or bad taste... is up to you)

AS FOR EPISODE 8... I really loved Ange's development. I mentioned in a previous post that it's not really the kind of story I want to read about suicide, and that is still true, I feel like the way it SHOWS her dying and only THEN do we get her choosing to live is... odd? Anyways this is all in that past post. I really loved Ange's arc at the end, her hope and her despair both. The fact that the story was ABOUT HER all the time, that she wanted to break into the catbox... oughhh what an amazing twist on the story. So good.

When I say that Umineko can feel unfocused, it ALLOWS for something like that. We thought the story was about Battler, but it's ACTUALLY about Ange, and about her love for Battler, and it's about Battler's love for Beatrice... it's all really good. I wish it was focused more on that, it would've made it hit harder for me, but whatever. It's exactly the story it needs to be.

And the Tohya thing. Augh. Omg. Battler surviving even as he dies. He's able to live on the same way, even if "Ushiromiya Battler" was unable to leave Rokkenjima. Him not being able to be Battler anymore is kind of perfect for him, and becoming Tohya... yeah... really good... I love the mystery author thing, and I love that Ange is trying to give hopes to people the same way Battler gave hope to her. It's a good ending! It's so completely unrelated to the start, and yet it works. It IS what episode 8 was leading to.

Also all the Erika stuff was such a treat. She and Ange are the same for so long until Ange is able to break out of being a Witch of Truth, and their parallels make both of their characters stronger. And Bernkastel and Lambdadelta were such interesting characters at the end too!!! I loved seeing their fight, and their weird witchy love for each other. So fun.

The catbox itself is such a perfect story. It's a mystery that can be replicated, a tragedy that both exists and does not exist. Without an observer, the truth is hidden. This is what Beatrice wanted, as tragic as she was ;-; It's a good story!!

As for the mystery... I feel like I still can't fully understand the implications of Kanon *not existing*... But it's fine. I'll either figure it out or I won't. Unrelated to the mystery, I also feel like some of the incest/child abuse is brushed over a bit too fast, but that's.......... I don't even know what to feel about that. I don't understand why Shannon (assuming she's Yasu...) didn't tell George about the incest thing, unless. I mean. she WAS planning to create a tragedy on Rokkenjima, wasn't she??? I don't understand it, and I hope I can figure out what it means when I think deeper on it (+ read other people's thoughts + Confession...)

Anyways yay yippee what a fun story!!! I'll be thinking thoughts about it for a while I think!!! I spent a lot of time with it and I'm glad I took the leap to start this 1 million+ word long VN ^-^

[goshdangronpa]

In my previous post about "I DISAGREE: An Ibuki Mioda SDR2 Protag Swap AU," I gave a timeline of the first two-and-change days. That write-up went beat by beat from Ibuki’s ill-fated arrival at Hope’s Peak to the onset of Despair Disease. This time, we’re looking less at events and more at specific characters’ reactions to them - especially the five people who volunteer to care for the infected. This’ll be important.

Every Single Symptom Brings Us Closer: Group Bonding in the Time of Despair Disease

The answer seems obvious: Nagito, Kazuichi, Chiaki, and Peko are cracking under the stress of their new situation. With so many upheavals to their lives in such a short time, it’s not unusual for them to react with paranoia, recklessness, combativeness, and giving up. But as Fuyuhiko and Hajime carry Peko into the Hotel Mirai’s restaurant, they note that she seems weirdly warm. With just a touch to the other three’s foreheads, Mikan can confirm just from her nursing experience that they all have high fevers.

That’s when Monokuma pops up with the truth: they’re sick, alright, and he’s the reason. The only cure is sacrifice. Someone must commit a murder, or the infected will only get worse. One life for four sounds like a fair trade … but then, the goal is for the murderer to get away with their crime and condemn everyone else to death. As for why everyone’s acting out in such different ways, on top of being physically ill? “For a bunch of smarties, you sure want a lot of hand-holding.” The bear leaves it to the others to figure things out.

Right before leaving, Monokuma adds, “Oh, did I forget to mention it’s contagious?” That’s what really changes everything. Communal breakfast ends before it can become routine. The group itself splits: the infected and their caregivers move into rooms within the Hotel Mirai building for quarantine, while the rest keep their cottages and free rein over the islands. Curiously, some divisions are resolved: Hiyoko Saionji, who’d started bullying Mikan practically since they met, is now more than willing to follow and carry out the nurse’s orders due to a potent nosophobia.

Mikan doesn’t accept Monokuma’s fatal terms. The Ultimate Nurse will prove her worth and take care of everyone. However, treating four distinct sets of symptoms and investigating their cause isn’t something she can do alone. She’ll need volunteers. It’s a big ask, but she gets some:

Teruteru Hanamura volunteers, but somehow isn’t trusted around prone and defenseless patients. Besides, access to the restaurant, where meals are mysteriously prepared before anyone arrives, is now severely restricted. The uninfected must count on Teruteru to whip up meals out of supermarket goods. That can be his opportunity to show his more nurturing side.

On that note, Fuyuhiko immediately signs up. Just yesterday, he was shirking all company and boasting about his capacity for killing: “I could do it, ya know.” Now, his demeanor’s changed so drastically that Mikan also checks him for symptoms. Mikan and the rest accept him largely because, as Hiyoko observes, he’s already made close contact with one of the infected this morning. Not wanting to spend his quarantine idle, he insists on helping. It’s his idea, for example, to barricade the doors with chairs from the lobby so the patients can’t exit freely.

However, Mikan and the other volunteers trust him around vulnerable people just as much as Teruteru. The head nurse assigns Hajime to monitor him. He’s in quarantine as well, having helped Fuyuhiko with Peko, and he lacks any medical skills. His initial reluctance with the assignment gives way to a fast friendship, as Fuyuhiko has no choice but to open up with his supervisor. Hajime soon attests to the gangster’s good character and unconditional dedication.

While the first two volunteers are conscripted, Byakuya is the first to volunteer by choice. He swore that none would die on his watch. That means splitting his leadership role with the reluctant Sonia Nevermind, who’ll watch over the uninfected (Mahiru: “You don’t have to do anything. No one asked for a leader anyway …”), and keeping watch over the disease’s victims. For all his upper-class pretense, he proves down-to-earth and genuine in his protectiveness. Despite his self-appointed power, he’s not above performing the most menial tasks.

Ibuki is the protagonist, so she has to be here, right? She has her reasons: a sense of control over the situation, being near Byakuya and Mikan, and general altruism. The levity she brings to the grim situation proves welcome. Once the patients are asleep, Ibuki invites the rest of the staff to her room for games and chitchat. Their boredom from the long hours overcomes their weariness, and this nightly ritual buoys their spirits and brings them all closer. (She only wishes they could unwind at the hotel’s swimming pool too, but that’s off-limits for them.)

She especially grows closer with Mikan. She was already fond of her after hanging out so much on the killing game’s first day, trying to make her laugh with the goal of lowering her guard. Then the Ultimate Nurse’s timidity takes a backseat in this crisis as she taps into reservoirs of strength and empathy, and that fondness becomes a serious admiration. They bond: Ibuki bolsters Mikan’s confidence as they traverse uncharted medical territory, and Mikan helps to make Ibuki feel like a useful member of the team. They share secrets. They share scream therapy sessions (for some reason, the hotel rooms are all soundproof). On the third morning of quarantine, they find (to everyone’s chagrin and discomfort) that they even unconsciously shared a bed.

Unfortunately, this isn’t all fun and games and me being tsumioda shipper trash. The Despair Disease is dangerous after all. More on that, plus the first victim of the killing game, in the next installment.

PREV: The AU Narrative's Chaotic First Three Mornings

NEXT: The Killing Game's First Victim

[xtruss]

Why Public Trust In Politicians Hits Spectacular Low In The UK

— Mark Blacklock | March 06, 2024

Illustration: Chen Xia/Global Times

Nobody who has watched British civic life in recent years will have been in the least bit surprised that a recent study by the Country's Office for National Statistics (ONS) has found only 12 percent of the public trust their politicians, a spectacular low.

People feel increasingly alienated from those who are supposed to have been elected to represent their interests. Worse, they feel unable to influence the heedless parliamentary apparatus which seems to be being used to serving the politicians more than it serves the people.

The job of the ONS is to gather, process and analyze data about the United Kingdom's economy, society and population, and is widely regarded as a professional and impartial authority. This makes the findings of its annual Trust in Government survey so striking.

The collapse in trust in political parties is an unimpressive 12 percent this year, which is down from an already lamentable 20 percent in the previous analysis. The proportion of adults trusting the government itself also fell - from 35 percent to 27 percent - and trust in parliament, the institution where the politicians operate, plummeted from 34 percent to 24 percent. These figures echo a study from a market research company last year, which said only 9 percent of people trusted their politicians to tell the truth (the lowest level in 40 years). The inevitable conclusion to be drawn is that most Britons think that the political class that has the power to make decisions that control their lives are liars.

One reason the UK public is so disillusioned with their politics is the prevailing doctrine which favors political centrism. Party leaders are reluctant to appear too leftist or rightist for fear of driving support away, so they gravitate toward the center. These are not the politics of conviction or ideology, but of opportunity for self-serving individuals who are willing to change their policies and even opinions to give themselves the best chance of winning.

A general election is expected in Britain this year, in a country that has essentially been a two-party system for generations. The Conservative and Labour parties are electorally dominant and regularly alternate in government, largely because of the country's outdated, unfair and anti-democratic first-past-the-post electoral system, which works to marginalize and exclude voices outside of the center. This makes it difficult for other relevant parties, such as the Greens and especially smaller groups such as communists, to be represented in Westminster.

This feeling of alienation from the process of government is exacerbated by the closeness of the two main parties. At the election, there will be little to choose between the main party's candidates in important aspects of policy. In fact, Rishi Sunak's Tories and Keir Starmer's Labour have recently accused each of stealing the other's policies and mimicking standpoints. Neither of them spoke out against the war in Gaza, for example, until it had been raging for months. Both parties have declared support for rules that prevent families from receiving a state benefit for more than two children - something that affects many low-income households.

At the other extreme, both parties are prepared to lift a cap on bankers' bonuses - something which was devised to discourage reckless investment behavior - and allow them to make unlimited payments. Both parties have also declared the need to continue with austerity-style policies which are blamed for the declining nature of Britain's economy. Both parties favor cracking down on illegal immigration, and approve of higher defense spending, keeping the Trident nuclear deterrent (despite a recent failed test-firing of one of the ￡17m missiles) and continued support for Ukraine.

If the people, despairing at the lack of choice among those who seek to govern them, should dare to speak out and protest, the establishment has been devoting a lot of time and effort into devising laws aimed at discouraging and restricting demonstrations. The temperature has been further raised by the politicians themselves complaining that the strength of dissent has put them in danger. They call protest marches "hate marches." If there is one that the people hate, it is being lied to and not being served by those whose job it is to serve them. And that is why so few people trust or believe them.

— The Author is a Journalist and lecturer living in Britain.

[robertreich]

Staying hopeful in turbulent times

Friends,

The reason I write is not just to inform (and occasionally amuse) you, but also to arm you with the truth so you can fight more effectively for the common good.

The forces undermining our democracy, polluting our planet, and stoking hatred and inequality have many weapons at their disposal — lobbyists, media megaphones, and money to bribe lawmakers. But their most powerful weapon is cynicism. They’re betting that if they can get us to feel like we can’t make a difference, we will give up — and then they can declare total victory.

Which is why we have to keep up the fight even when feeling deeply discouraged.

I’m not going to pretend. There’s a lot to be discouraged about right now — from Manchin’s torpedoing of “Build Back Better” to the surging Omicron variant of COVID-19 and the politicization of public health, from the Republicans’ assault on voting rights to environmental disasters all over the world. My message to any of you who feel overwhelmed, disappointed, or ready to drop out: I get it.

I’ve been in the trenches for five decades and sometimes I despair as well. Again and again over the years I’ve seen hard-fought dreams go up in smoke. Or been sidelined. Or ridiculed. Or I’ve watched them succumb to bribery and corruption. Two of the leaders I counted on most in my lifetime were assassinated.

But notwithstanding all this, we are better today than we were fifty years ago, twenty years ago, even a year ago. 

I can point out so many examples in our own country, or all across the world, where movements that were once small and stacked against seemingly impossible odds, ended up winning and making America and our earth a better place to live. From Martin Luther King, Jr., to Mahatma Gandhi, to more recent examples like Stacey Abrams and Greta Thunberg, people have repeatedly changed the course of history by refusing to believe that they couldn’t make a difference.

It’s not only the famous leaders who are agents of change. Movements are fueled by individuals giving their time, energy, and hope. Small actions and victories lead to bigger ones, and the improbable becomes possible.

Nothing strikes fear in the hearts of those who want to prevent progress more than a resistance that is undeterred.

This fight, this struggle, all these big problems, can be exhausting. No one can go all in, all the time. That’s why we need to build communities and movements for action, where people can give what effort they can, and can be buoyed in solidarity with others. Strengthening our resolve. Sharing information and analyses. Fortifying ourselves.

Over the next few years the fight will become even more intense. We are even battling for the way we tell the story of America. There are those who want to go back to a simplistic and inaccurate narrative, where we were basically perfect from our founding, where we don’t need to tell the unpleasant truths about slavery, racism, sexism, homophobia, xenophobia, and all the other injustices.

But there is another story of America, one of imperfection but progress. In this story, which is far more accurate, reformers have changed this nation many, many times for the better. We got labor rights, civil rights, women's rights, and LGBTQ rights. We got clean water laws and clean air laws, and health insurance for most Americans. We’ve torn down Confederate statues and expanded clean energy. We’ve got a new generation of young, progressive politicians determined to make the nation better. The list goes on and on.

The outcome of the fight ahead will not be determined by force, fear, or violence. It will be decided on the basis of commitment, tenacity, and unvarnished truth.

Here’s my deal. I’ll continue to give you the facts and arguments, even sprinkle in drawings and videos. I’ll do whatever I can to help strengthen your understanding and your resolve. Please use the facts, arguments, drawings and videos to continue the fight. To fight harder. To enlist others.

If at any time you feel helpless or despairing, remember that the struggle is long, that progress is often hard to see in the short term, and that for every step forward regressive forces are determined to push us backwards. Also remind yourself that the fights for democracy, social justice, and a sustainable planet are necessary and noble, that the stakes could not be greater or more important, and that we will — we must — win.

I wish you a restful, enjoyable, and restorative holiday.

Robert Reich

PS: If you’d like to join me on a (nearly) daily basis, please subscribe at https://robertreich.substack.com/

[danganronpasurvivoraskblog]

💋 - I wanna hear these pregame headcanons

//Alright fine, I'll summarize them as quickly as I can.

//However, these are CANON to the blog, so I might have to cut anything spoilery. Plus, some of them are pretty heavy, so keep that in mind

Kaede and her twin sister Kaori cut all ties with their birth parents because they did not agree with their life choices. Though they stuck together for a long while to carry each other through life, Kaori ran with a bad crowd, which caused her and Kaede to drift apart. Eventually, Kaori died in an accident, forcing Kaede into despair and taking away all faith she had in humanity.

Pregame Shuichi, much like V3 Shuichi, lived with his uncle thanks to his parents having a "hands-off" way of raising him. When he was in 5th grade, he solved a case of stolen lunch money at his school completely by chance; which resulted in a constant array of bullying from the friends of the thief who got expelled. This led Shuichi to question whether it was safe to reveal the truth or not, hence the inspiration for his Killing Game attitude initially.

Kokichi was raised by an abusive mother who lashed his neck and shoulders with a belt (which is why he wears the scarf.) The reason he joined Danganronpa is that the one thing that kept him going through his rough childhood was watching the goofy cartoon villains on children's TV shows.

Kaito's mother died from childbirth, and after becoming depressed as a result, his father drank himself to death, causing Kaito to be raised by his grandparents from a young age. Due to being a troublemaker who constantly got into fights with people, including his school teachers, great stress was put on the two old-timers. The reason why Kaito entered Dangarnonpa to achieve fame and fortune is because he wanted to stop being a burden to them and make life a little easier.

Maki pre-V3, much like post-V3 Maki, was raised as an orphan. With the help of an unknown best friend, she got a shady job (the inspiration for her talent and backstory in V3) and joined Danganronpa on a mission to find her real parents, hoping they would recognize her.

Tsumugi initially joined Danganronpa 52 to become more confident in herself, and to be someone else that she could truly be proud of. She stayed on Team DR who allowed her to write the 53rd season.

Keebo, originally a human before turned into the Ultimate Robot, was Tsumugi's childhood friend who she allowed to be incorporated as an additional cast member in the Killing Game narrative (this was based on a comic by chibigaia)

Rantaro first participated in the 52nd Killing Game to make money and support his very large family, but became trapped in the Killing Game cycle and was forced to participate as the Ultimate Survivor at the end of the game.

Miu was a gyaru through and through, being as much of a bitchqueen in real life as she is in the Killing Game, while also being a surprisingly studious and intelligent girl, but her attitude changed a lot after she suffered in a car crash (just like in V3's universe) which left her with some nasty body scars that she's embarrassed by.

Himiko was born (and in Survivor canon, does still have) autism, and as a child, was constantly depressed and out, like nothing she ever did really mattered.

Tenko was diagnosed with ADHD at a young age, and while she's not as violently misandrous as she is in the Killing Game, she has terrible androphobia, which she joins the Killing Game in hopes of overcoming.

Angie is an outcast due to being a religious foreigner, and living as a true example of a third-culture girl. Trying to let people know she only wants to make friends and is completely normal is the reason she signs on V3.

Kiyo had a sister IRL who was also very sickly, that he was very close with, however, not to the extent that he is in V3. He tries to get a well paying job to support her, and joins Danganronpa because it's her favourite show, and he wishes to rekindle her faith in life by being on it (with the results being completely out of his control)

Despite her capabilities, Kirumi gained a rep as a "useless tall girl" amongst her peers, even though she acts mature and is still a workaholic. She doesn't have many friends, and joins the Killing Game because "she wants to be useful to others." She also STILL doesn't know how to cut Konjac.

While I never really put my finger on what exactly his case would be, I pictured Ryoma being a man with many regrets in life, having lost many relationships due to his nature and actions, and feels innately guilty because of his past. He joins Danganronpa because he believes the suffering he recieves will redeem him of his past actions.

Much like his backstory within V3, Gonta was much bigger than most kids, leaving many of them to be afraid of him. Not only that, but because he lived in a wealthy family, everyone else thought he believed he was too good for them. His only friend growing up was a husky dog, which inspired the aspect of his backstory where he was raised by wolves.

-Mod

[delimeful]

the shapes in the silence (13)

warning: illness, mild emetophobia, arguing, panic attack, dissociation, altered mental state, guilt 

-

They had very little time to process, after Puff-- Anxiety-- their rescuer collapsed limply to the ground.

Roman and Patton each burst into their own hysterics, but Logan was utterly silent. He was frozen, mind racing and connecting a thousand little dots, like realizing a constellation had been right in front of you, you’d just somehow missed the brightest star.

The form of Anxiety was sprawled out undeniably in front of them, struck down by the attack that had been levied against Puff, because he was Puff. He’d wondered why Anxiety wasn’t prone to their shrinking dilemma, but he’d been dealing with it the longest. Anxiety’s withdrawal and Puff’s strange behavior were causation and correlation.

Anxiety lay before them, but whatever he had done to change his form, to protect them against attack, it had changed him. Small purple scales curled over his cheekbones, two curved, deer-like ears lay limp on the sides of his head, and even a tail where there had been none before.

If there had ever been any way to refute his connection to Puff, his appearance now countered it single-handedly.

In the end, it was the doubts that snapped them all out of it.

Sinuous, shifting forms that changed with every blink, they crawled up from their blind spots, appearing in the corners of their vision.

Roman snapped his sword hand back up reflexively, frowning, but Logan could easily read the confusion scrawled across his posture. He’d complained at length about the creatures, their persistent aggression and the way that they always heralded Anxiety’s appearance in this realm, like the world’s creepiest minions.

But Anxiety lay prone at their feet, in no state to control anything, and furthermore, the glittering eyes of the doubts seemed almost… locked on him, glinting with malice.

More questions, and the only one who could answer them was unconscious and quickly gaining a sickly tint to his skin. The doubts were creatures of despair, and if they reached Patton or Anxiety-- the more emotion-driven pair out of the four of them-- the results could be disastrous. They needed out, now.

Logan firmed his shoulders, moving to cut through the panicked back-and-forth his companions were doing.

“Roman,” he called, taking reference from every instructor that Thomas had ever respected to insert authority into his tone, “pick Anxiety up.”

The creative side jerked, his eyes drawn down to Anxiety for a second before flickering away. “And give up my stalwart defense? We’ll be overcome before we reach anything resembling an exit!”

“You need to pick up Anxiety,” Logan repeated, and took a deep breath, shedding all the dirt and gore that he had accumulated while trekking through the Imagination. “I’m bringing the exit to us.”

Applying his function to a space that wasn’t real tended to... destabilize it. It was a last resort, the sort of thing that they’d figured out early on should be avoided. Roman demonstrably put his heart and soul into his work, after all, and fracturing it hurt Creativity as much as the realm itself. Even something as small as Logan breaking his own immersion made Roman twitch, let alone what he was about to pull.

Roman’s eyes went wide with understanding, and then grim determination. He sheathed his sword back into nothing and knelt down at the fallen Side’s side, only hesitating for the barest moment before sliding his arms under his shoulders and knees and lifting him into the air.

The motion seemed to jar Anxiety, and he let out a pained whine that wouldn’t have sounded out of place coming from Puff. Lifted up like this, they could see the singed gouge that tore through the back of his hoodie, the smoking, rotting injury lined up on his spine in the exact same place it had hit Puff.

“It looks bad,” Patton whispered, his eyes wet and his hands half-pressed over his mouth. The doubts were closer now, circling like wolves. They couldn’t be allowed to worsen Anxiety’s condition.

“We will handle it,” Logan said, not allowing even the slightest tremor in his voice as he held his hands out. He met Roman’s eyes, one last warning, before closing his own and focusing all his attention on dismantling the environment around him.

It was all illusory, from the faint scent of ozone lingering in the air to the cold stone around them. None of it was real, not the magic or the monsters, not when one thought about them logically. The Imagination was a limitless space, shaped and crafted by Creativity, and so any distance between them and the placement of an ‘exit’ was simply imaginary.

There was no logical reason to traverse an imaginary path, and so with one yank, Logan pulled and then folded the space between them and the exit, like crumpling a piece of paper to make two ends meet.

The landscape crinkled around them, bricks shattering and environments crashing together with discordant scraping. Roman would be feeling the effects of the hole in his work for a while, but there was a doorway ahead of them and the doubts were scattered and caught in the folds and tears Logic had created.

“Move,” Logan said through gritted teeth, and Roman staggered through the exit, Patton hot on his tail. He stepped through as well, the door slamming shut on its own behind him. His presence wouldn’t be tolerated in the realm for a good long while after this.

He beckoned Roman over, shoving away the guilt he felt at the other Side’s pained grimace. If his power had just held long enough for the Imagination’s effects to be wiped from Anxiety as well--

The wound pulsed once, as though to announce its stubborn survival. It was glowing a painful violet, the injury resembling nothing more than a slowly expanding Lichtenburg figure.

Logan’s knuckles went white as he looked down at it. He hadn’t even managed to make the injury into something real, something more manageable to treat.

He reached out, grasping again for that sense of unreality, of rejection, and Roman pulled away, backing up.

“No more,” he said firmly, his voice a sharp contrast to the shaking of his arms. Logan felt that familiar guilt threaten to flood for a moment, before-- “Specs, you’re about to pass out. You used too much.”

He blinked, glancing down at his hand. It was shaking, too. He’d overtaxed himself, been too involved in the previous daydream to shut it down without any backlash.

Logic shouldn’t have been too involved in anything. He clenched his fist, abruptly furious with himself.

“Whatever that witch’s calamitous curse caused, it’s spreading slowly for now,” Roman announced, still seeming almost skittish with Anxiety in his arms. “We have yet time to uncover the truth.”

Patton pressed the back of his hand against Anxiety’s forehead, hissing sympathetically. “He’s burning up. I don’t know about curing curses, but-- we can at least help with this.”

They all had memories of Thomas’s parents coaxing him through fevers and flus, but Patton was the best at actually following that example. He directed Roman to the couch, flitted back and forth between the kitchen and the living room with all the classic illness aids.

“This is a spell-based sickness. There’s no reason to believe that this illness will function similarly to Thomas’s past experiences,” Logan started, and then was promptly cut off by Anxiety jerking halfway up off the couch, twisting, and vomiting into the small trash can Patton had just brought out. “... I stand corrected.”

His voice seemed to drag Anxiety’s attention from his retching, his head bobbing up to look around.

He stared out at them with bleary eyes for a heartbeat, all of them quiet and frozen and waiting, and then he slumped back down into both the couch cushions and unconsciousness. A mutual breath of relief went around the room.

“So, are we… going to talk about it?” Patton asked, as though half-dreading the answer.

“Talk about what?” Roman snapped sarcastically, crossing his arms. “The fact that apparently our dear draconic companion has been none other than Anxiety, the scourge on our home, the blight on our fields, the bane of Thomas’s existence, this entire time?”

“We don’t own any fields,” Logan interjected.

“Well, if we did, the guy would probably blight them! He’s a-- a blighter!” Roman replied, increasingly higher in pitch. “This is probably some kind of trick, a foul villainous plot for some greater purpose we don’t understand yet. Anxiety can’t possibly be— have been—!”

“Talking shit?” A familiar drawl rang out, a dark figure appearing on the stairs between one blink and the next and making them all jump. “I thought I heard someone say-- Anxiety?”

There was a moment of stunned silence as everyone looked between the two identical figures in the room.

“Well,” the Anxiety that was clearly actually Deceit said, glancing over the three of them, “I don’t suppose I could convince you that he’s the fake one? … No? What a shame.”

He lifted his shoulders from Virgil’s perpetual slouch easily, shedding his disguise in favor of his usual attire. Several more puzzle pieces clicked into place.

“You were the one who appeared when we introduced Puff to Thomas,” Logan said, cutting off the startled exclamations from the others. “And just now-- you returned from appearing to Thomas, didn’t you? As Anxiety, not yourself.”

Deceit rolled his eyes, adjusting his cufflinks absently. “Yes, well, someone had to do his job while he was… preoccupied. Or were you all so remiss as to not notice the decline that comes with a complete absence of Anxiety?”

They all bristled in unison. “All we’ve been doing as of late is trying to figure out why Thomas has been struggling recently,” Logan replied stiffly. “We cannot jump to conclusions based on the seemingly random reticence of one Side.”

“Oh, but now you know it’s not random at all, don’t you?” Deceit purred, stepping down the stairs one by one. “After all, Occam’s Razor has never proved to be true before.”

“You’re the one who’s slithering around impersonating other Sides!” Roman cut in with a sharp accusation. “How do we know you’re not the reason dear Thomas has been acting off?”

Deceit’s lip curled, displaying a curved fang. “I haven’t been the only reason Thomas hasn’t fallen apart entirely! But if you’d really like to cast blame, I’m happy to inform all three of you that this is your fault.”

“Our fault?” Roman and Patton’s voices overlapped, one outraged and the other alarmed. Logan frowned, smoothing down his tie absently.

“Are you speaking under false pretenses again? Only moments ago, you were claiming that Anxiety’s… disappearance was the source of Thomas’s recent struggle.”

Deceit’s gloves crinkled with the force of his grip on the banister. “You three are the ones who drove Anxiety to believe that he was superfluous, to the point that he decided somehow trapping himself in the form of a— a pet was better than spending another moment as himself in your presence,” he spat, each word furious and bitter.

There was a tense pause, and Deceit visibly reeled in his anger with a deep breath. “I refuse to spend any longer debating sins with you. If you’ll hand over Anxiety—,”

“No!” Logan startled himself with the sharp response, but Roman and Patton alike had echoed it. They exchanged looks, all of them struggling for a moment to put it to words.

Finally, Patton turned to where Deceit was staring at them with narrowed eyes.

“I don’t know why Anxiety chose to— chose this, but I do know that he got hurt trying to protect us. And if it really is our fault-- ...Well, it wouldn’t be right either way, making you or him deal with this alone.”

“And that’s assuming you even have the tools to deal with it,” Logan added, earning himself an irritated glare from the Dark Side. “That was not a slight against you. To elaborate on my meaning, Roman’s experience with the realm and the perpetrator behind the injury could be invaluable in treating it. It would be remiss for us to not offer aid.”

There was a beat, and Roman looked up belatedly from Anxiety, his face pale and eyes distant. “Right,” he said, and then stronger, “Right. We’ll help Anxiety overcome this curse, and then speak with him ourselves on the matter of blame.”

Deceit looked between the three of them assessingly, gaze occasionally flickering down to where Anxiety lay. “I could handle this perfectly well,” he snapped, “but fine. However. If you worsen his condition and force me to continue this ridiculous charade… you will all certainly enjoy the consequences.”

He let the threat sit in the air ominously. Logan thought his forced disdain was a rather strange way to express protectiveness over Anxiety’s well-being, but to be frank, Deceit’s motives could be difficult for him to parse on a good day.

“Deceit,” Patton called before the other Side could sink out. “You’re welcome to come check on Anxiety whenever you’d like. I… I just wanted you to know.”

Deceit cast a glance back at Anxiety, unreadable, and sank out without another word.

—-

Half an hour after Deceit’s revelations, Anxiety woke up.

They hadn’t noticed at first. Patton had been in the kitchen, making enough soup to feed a small army, and Logan and Roman had been preoccupied with bickering, trying to piece together a timeline.

“—can’t be certain that any of the appearances prior to Puff’s introduction to Thomas were Deceit. Anxiety did not withdraw entirely until after that event,” Logan was saying, sharpening his tone to keep Roman from interrupting for the sixth time.

“But the things he said, it has to have been Deceit,” Roman retorted again. “Perhaps this has been going on for months, all part of a plot to replace Anxiety!”

“And do what? Thomas actively ignores Anxiety as often as possible,” Logan stated, the fact making something in his stomach twist oddly. “It would be pointless for Deceit to replace someone with little to no influence.”

“Who knows how the minds of Dark Sides work?” Roman scoffed, and then glanced over Logan’s shoulder and stood. Logan turned to watch him adjust the blankets that had shuffled part ways off of Anxiety.

Roman paused, and then leaned in slightly. “The curse mark—,” he started, and then was cut off by two and a half blankets being tossed directly at his face.

Anxiety scrambled off of the couch with surprising speed for someone who clearly could barely feel any of their limbs. His eyes were wide with unmistakable terror, pupils slit, and Logan lifted his hands non-aggressively.

“Anxiety, calm down,” he started, and Anxiety shot off towards the stairs with frantic and unsteady steps. From this angle, Logan could see the way the wound left from the curse was pulsing and expanding, and felt his own jolt of fear.

Patton rushed out of the kitchen just in time to see Anxiety overshoot and slam into the wall beside the stairs, bouncing off without a sound and struggling to regain his momentum like an animal mindlessly fleeing for its life.

“Patton, grab him before he hurts himself even further!” Logan called, and Patton hurriedly half-tackled the Side, pinning his arms and lifting him up.

Anxiety keened, voice warping into that double tone, and then kicked out against the wall, nearly toppling the both of them. By now, Roman had freed himself, and he jumped to Patton’s side to lend a steadying arm.

Logan hurried forward, careful to stay out of range of Anxiety’s still-kicking legs.

“Anxiety. Anxiety, can you hear me? You need to breathe deeply now, please follow this pattern,” he tried to count steadily, even as Anxiety stared right through him and made awful, gut-wrenching whimpers. His eyeshadow was streaked down the sides of his face like inky tear tracks. “3, 4, 5– Please, Anxiety, we’re not trying to hurt you.”

“It feels like it’s growing,” Patton whispered, Anxiety’s back still pressed to him. Roman pushed the neckline of the other Side’s hoodie aside, and swore at the dark, angular tendrils that were creeping up to his shoulder blades.

“We need him to calm down,” Logan said, but there wasn’t a single soothing method that would work if the person was too far gone to even sense him. “I don’t—,”

“Okay. Okay, I’m— I’m going to calm him down,” Patton said firmly, and then stepped back from the other two and maneuvered Anxiety so he was facing Patton. Logan recognized what Patton was attempting only a moment before Anxiety was pulled into a firm, encircling hug.

Patton’s ability to share positive emotions through physical contact— once jokingly dubbed a ‘drug hug’ by Roman— hadn’t been used frequently since they were all significantly younger. Nowadays, with Logic clearly not needing emotions and Creativity too prideful to ask for one, Patton mostly only used the ability accidentally— slipping up when he was hugging someone while too excited or happy.

Since switching over to this half of the Mindscape, Anxiety had never been exposed to this particular ability. The other Side twitched in Patton’s grasp for a moment, tail thrashing, holding out far longer than Logan expected before slowly melting into the embrace. When Patton finally pulled away, Anxiety was blinking dazedly but seemed considerably more aware of his surroundings.

“His back,” Logan started, and then stopped short.

The wound’s unnatural spread had stopped, the previous panicked pulsing of it reduced to a slow, muted metronome.

“His— Is it based on his heart rate?” Logan asked, bewildered and hating it. “It can’t be consciousness, he’s conscious now and the growth has stopped entirely, but it hadn’t receded at all earlier—,”

“Fear,” Roman said, his mouth set grimly. “A curse for Anxiety that feeds on fear. That’s exactly the kind of cruel irony that the Dragonwitch loves.”

Patton tightened his grip on Anxiety’s hand, his face wrinkled with worry. After a moment, Anxiety squeezed his hand back, still seeming a little distant from the actual conversation.

Logan knew from experience that getting one of those hugs at full power could feel like the emotional equivalent of being dropped into cold water unexpectedly-- it was a shock to the system, one that took a while to adjust to. He wouldn’t be surprised if Anxiety’s nonverbal state lingered for a while longer.

“Then… how do we fix it?” Patton asked. “Do we need him to… stop being afraid for real? Can we do that?”

Logan was quiet, thinking about how fearful Anxiety had looked for the brief moments he was fully aware around them. Roman looked away, and then shook his head.

“I need to return to the Imagination to check on something,” he announced, gaze distant. “I should… probably begin restructuring it, as well.”

Logan hid a wince. “I apologize for being so rough on the realm,” he said, remembering the way Roman had shaken with strain.

Roman waved it off. “You did what you had to, to get us all out. More useful than… well, consider yourself magnanimously forgiven.”

With a smile that seemed a pale facsimile of his normal one, he departed.

Logan turned to Patton, who looked a little wobbly at the knees. “We will be able to help him eventually, we just need more time to investigate,” he said as gently as he could, leading them both back to the couch. “Until then, we can take shifts to look after him.”

Patton curled his free hand around Logan’s, searching his gaze as though seeking some kind of solution. “We’ll figure this out together, right?”

“Right.”

[wonhosbuttflower]

Hurts Like Hell

Pairing: Demon Chan x Human Reader (fem)

Genre: Demon AU; Fluff; Light Angst; starts as Suggestive and ends with Smut; “Fuckbuddies/Friends with benefits to lovers”.

Words: 6,1k

Summary:  You (human) and Chan (demon) are “friends with benefits"/”fuck buddies” and you both have other casual sexual partners, but you only have a true emotional bond with each other. Admitting to it is a different story though...

Warnings/Details: open relationship (context/mention); promiscuity (mention); cursing/offensive language; possessiveness; dry humping and choking (blink and you’ll miss it); unprotected sex (please wrap it up, guys, this is NOT a good example, practice safe sex, use a condom); lots and lots of ‘I love you’; cringey moments.

Note: Chan is an incubus, a sex demon blessed with lust, one of the seven deadly sins. The reader is human, but she has been blessed by a demon at birth, in this case, Lucifer. He blessed her with pride, another deadly sin, corrupting her soul with it but making her stronger than “normal” humans. Unlike humans, demons don’t have souls, but they have “auras”, which are their demonic personal essences.

Y/N – your name / Y/M/N – your middle name (if you have one) / Y/L/N – your last name

..................................................................................

He sits comfortably on the black armchair in the bedroom while you're on top of him, sitting facing him with your legs swinging over the edge. The make out session had started out hot and heavy, but it was turning into a softer and tamer one as time went by. What had started passionate and impatient had turned into an intimate moment of pure affection between you two. Eventually, you rest your face on his shoulder, taking in his scent as he holds you firmly in a warm hug. You both close your eyes and enjoy the feeling of simply being together. After about a minute, which seems like hours, he breaks the silence in the room.

'Can we just stay like this forever?', he asks in a low voice as he plants a playful kiss on your nose, which makes you scrunch before showing him a smile.

'Hmm, excuse me, who are you and have you done to Chan?', you let out jokingly without opening your eyes.

'What? This is nice.', he defends himself. You look up at him.

'Oh, don’t get me wrong, I love doing fun things with you, baby… It’s my favorite activity.’, he smirks. ‘But we always do that… I’m just saying, it’s nice to have a moment like this every now and then, to relax and just… I don’t know, to just be with you, doing absolutely nothing.’, he adds, grabbing your hand that was touching him and intertwining his fingers with yours.

'Yeah, it is, actually. But wouldn't you rather do other things forever? Like, fun things… Because I can think of a few things for us to do.’, you say, suggestively, slipping your hand under the fabric of his t-shirt to feel his abs.

‘Okay, now I’m officially worried. Since when would you choose to “do absolutely nothing” rather than having sex with the hottest girl in town?’, you joke.

‘Well, I get to be with you either way, so I win.’, he smiles and gives you a soft kiss. ‘What’s wrong with just staying like this for a while? You like it too, don’t even try to deny it.’

‘Sure, I like it… But you’re acting weird today. Actually, scratch that… You’ve been acting weird lately. So, what’s that about, what’s going on?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘Well, I don’t know, we just… You’ve just been really… hmm, nice, I guess. Like, you’ve been… sweet.’, you explain, making him chuckle.

‘Isn’t that a good thing? Why do you sound like you’re complaining? Do you not like it when I’m nice?’

‘I don’t know… I mean, I do, but it’s weird. I feel like something’s changing, and I don’t understand it. Sometimes I think you’re avoiding me or something. And now you’re passing on sex for a cute hug? You have to admit that’s kind of suspicious. Like, it’s fine, if you don’t want to do this, we…’

‘It’s not that, princess, I promise you.’, he cuts you off before you can finish.

‘Then, what’s the problem?’, you ask, letting go of his hand and rising up from where you laid against his chest to face him, hooking your arms around his neck for support.

‘I just… I have to be more cautious around you. You’re dangerous.’

‘What? What are you talking about? You’re a demon, for fuck’s sake. And I'm the dangerous one?’, you let out confused. He smiles, amused.

‘It’s too addicting… It’s like my own personal drug. And if I’m not careful, I might actually physically get hooked on it… I might get hooked on you.’, he says as he kisses your shoulder, then your neck, and finally, your lips. ‘Hell, I’m not entirely sure I am not already addicted. This is getting out of control, I’m starting to crave you… In a very literal way. And if this goes on much longer, that’s it, I’ll always keep coming back for more… and more… I won’t be able to stop myself. You won’t be able stop me.’, he finishes, looking at you with a mix of intense desire and deep fondness.

‘Your voice…’, he softly grabs your neck.

‘Your taste…’, he rubs his thumb through your lips, and you can’t help but gently suck on it for half a second before he continues.

‘Your scent…’, he leans forward to breathe in against your collar bone.

‘Your body…’, his hands travel from your shoulder blades down your back and stop to slap your ass playfully before resting on your hips.

You drink in his words as if you need them to survive. You have never felt so wanted, so adored, so… loved. You want to tell him you wouldn’t stop him, because the truth is that you’re already gone… You are already hooked on him, you need him. But the growing stinging inside you quickly lets you know you can’t simply say that, so you default to flirting to try distracting him.

‘You’re assuming I would want to stop you. But why would I want to do that? I’m fucking an incubus, I’m having way too much fun to end it.’, you tell him with a smirk but a pinch in your chest for not being able to tell him what he means to you.

‘I’m serious.’, he tells you, half confused, half frustrated.

‘So am I.’, you lie.

‘No, Y/N, I mean it. I feel like I’m going crazy, I don’t know what to do anymore… Or what to think. I never know what you feel, what you want.’, his eyes pleading.

‘You do know. You just want to hear it out loud.’, you say as you get off the armchair, feeling uneasy with the conversation.

‘Then why won’t you say it?’, he questions, his voice getting higher, letting his impatience and irritation show.

‘I can’t.’, you simply tell him, walking away from him and towards the bed.

‘Of course you can! You just don’t want to.’, he shoots, getting up himself and walking behind you.

‘That’s not it. I just… I can’t say it, Chan… Not yet.’, you turn to face him. ‘But you’re not an idiot, you know exactly how I feel about you.’

‘Why don’t you just admit it, then?’, he almost begs, grabbing your arms anxiously.

‘Because I’m scared! Okay?’, you shout nervously, getting out of his hold and taking a step back. ‘Because the thought of telling you how I truly feel only to have you play with my emotions is terrifying. Because you have way too much power over me, and I’ve never…’, you take a short pause, as is you’re trying to fight your own thoughts. ‘I’ve never felt so powerless in my life. So, I keep convincing myself that if I don’t actually say the words, then it isn’t real… As if it isn’t real, then it can’t hurt me.’, you stop again, looking visibly uncomfortable as you reach to touch the crook of your neck in a soothing way. ‘Because I don’t think I could take getting hurt by you, I think I’d feel… undone.’, you pause once more.

You reach down to your chest, then your stomach, then your chest again, your face scrunched up as if you’re in pain. Chan doesn’t know it yet, but you are actually hurting… He assumes you’re just being dramatic because you don’t want to look weak by being vulnerable with him, but the truth is you are in an ever-growing agony. You take a deep breath before continuing.

‘And mostly because you’re a demon of lust and sexual desire. So, what reason do I have to believe that this…’, you gesture with your hand between the two of you. ‘Us…’, a distressed groan escapes your lips at the mention of the word, but you press on. ‘That this is anything more than… argh… than your many… usual… conquests?’, you let out between gasps, holding your neck again, as if you’re having trouble breathing in the midst of a panic attack. But this is something else entirely, it’s not panic… it’s deeper and more intense, it’s despair.

‘And by the way, I know I’m not a demon, but I was still blessed by one… You seem to forget that.’, you add, a bit more composed now. ‘I am a literal embodiment of pride… So, admitting all of this shit I just said?… Yeah, this feels like literal torture to me.’, you genuinely explain, even though he assumes you mean the word “literal” as a figure of speech. You did not. Still, he has so much he wants to say.

‘Y/N… I could never hurt you like that.’, he lets out in almost a whisper, as if he’s disappointed that you would think he could do that to you.

He reaches for your hand and makes you let go of your own neck, which he notices is already marked by how desperately you tugged at the skin. Your hands drop down and because you don’t know what to do with them, you just start fidgeting around with your fingers and staring at them to avoid looking him in the eye. He keeps talking though, this time in a normal volume.

‘It’s just… You’re not the only one that’s scared, you know? This is all new to me. You said it yourself, I’m a lust demon, an incubus, all I’ve ever known is that… it’s desire and passion, fantasy and sex… It’s lust and infatuation. That’s what all of my relationships have ever been, it’s all I’ve ever felt.’, he explains. His hand moves to your jaw and he makes you look up at him. ‘But that changed when I met you.’, he tells you softly but with a serious expression. He gently let’s go of your face before he proceeds talking. ‘I think it’s different this time, you're different. You make me feel different. You’ve never been just another conquest, you’re so much more than that. This…Us…’, he takes one of your hands and presses it against his chest. ‘This is real… It’s very real. And it’s more than just sex, it’s more than infatuation. I actually care about you and that’s new to me.’, he softly kisses the back of your hand before letting go of it and taking a step back.

You miss the contact as he moves away. You miss the heat radiating from his body and you miss his sweet scent around you.

‘But seriously, I just tried to tell you how I feel, I opened myself up and you just teased me about it. So, like, can you really blame me for being hesitant?’, he asks. Your mouth opens slightly as if you’re about to say something, but no sound comes out, so he keeps going instead. Your mind is racing with everything you want to tell him. ‘I’m more afraid of losing you than anything else in this world, and that makes me feel powerless too. I’ve never felt like this and that’s scary. I… I think you like me too, but how can I not be insecure if I’m the only one confessing?’, he protests, growing exasperated.

He’s right, and you know he’s right. You want to speak but the raging sting in your chest warns you against it.

‘You keep refusing to tell me how you feel, so how should I feel confident to admit it myself? I need to know I’m not alone in this, because… I don’t think I can keep doing this if you don’t feel the same. It’s too much.’, he adds, his voice going lower than ever, as if all the torment in the world is dragging it down.

All you want is to respond to his plea, to tell him how much you want him, how much he means to you… But you can’t.

‘Please don’t do this right now.’, it’s your time to plead now, your voice nothing but a faint ghost as you look down at the ground to try to distract yourself from the pain. ‘Chan, please… Please don’t make me say it first.’, you beg, one hand moving to scratch your chest while the other carelessly tugs at the hair behind your ear. Your discomfort is too apparent, but his anger takes the best of him in the moment.

‘Why is it so hard for you to say it?!’, he shouts, frustrated. ‘I know you’re proud, but fuck, it’s not like it’s going to kill you to admit it! It’s hard for me to admit too, you know? But I’m still trying! I just need to hear it. I just need to know you feel the same. If you just admit it, then…’, he says, but you cut him off halfway as your own rage takes over.

‘You think I don't want to?!’, you yell angrily. Your eyes start tearing up as the pain inside grows exponentially stronger. ‘I want to, believe me! But I…’, your sentence gets cuts off by an uncomfortable groan. ‘It fucking hurts.’, you say, crouching slightly over yourself as you grab your stomach, clearly struggling with the pain. ‘I do- argh!… I like you!’, you manage to say before you reach for your own neck and almost try to claw your way inside the flesh, trying to get some kind of relief. It feels like you’re burning from the inside out.

‘Wha- What’s going on?’, he lets out in shock at the scene.

‘It hurts! It hurts!’, you cry out, feeling like your whole body is on fire, like your blood is literally boiling inside you, trying to burn its way out. You’re scratching yourself so hard that blood starts showing up all around your neck and chest and shoulders, making Chan finally understand you were serious when you said it felt like torture. He jumps to grab your hands, trying to stop you from clawing your way into your skin.

‘Stop! Y/N, please… What are you doing?! You’ll hurt yourself! Just stop!’, he begs as he tries to control your movements. After a few moments, you seem to calm down enough for him to loosen his grip around your hands, and you takes the opportunity to rub his cheek with your thumb. He leans into the touch.

‘Chan…’, you whisper, managing to show him a smile between the tears running freely down your face. ‘Chan, I lo- AAH!’, your confession gets cut off by a chilling scream and you collapse in his arms.

‘NO!’, he cries out immediately. ‘Y/N, please!’, he begs. Your eyes open after about half a minute and you try to regain your posture, but he quickly makes you sit down on the bed, worried that you’ll faint again.

‘I’m fine… I’m fine, it’s okay.’, you assure him. He stands in front of you as he holds you close, your legs on each side of him.

‘I’m sorry! I’m so sorry, babygirl! Just stop, okay? You don’t have to say anything.’, he tells you, letting go to look at your face. You just now notice the tears in his eyes. ‘I’m sorry, I know… I know how you feel. You don’t have to say it.’, he continues. You get up to clean away a single tear on his cheek with a soft kiss and then rest your forehead against his.

‘No… I’m sorry. You should get to hear it. I’m sorry I can’t say it.’, he shakes his head slightly as if he’s disagreeing with you, as if he’s saying you shouldn’t be apologizing, but you just ignore it and continue on. ‘I… I want to. I really do. I just… I can’t do it. It hurts too much.’, you confess.

‘Stop, don’t say anything… Don’t say it!’, he begs, kissing your forehead before resting his on it again. ‘Please, I just can’t stand to see you like this… I can’t see you in pain, I can’t take it.’, he declares.

‘I’m fine now, Chan. I promise.’, you smile and kiss his lips gently, without any urgency or passion, just with pure affection. You then take his hands in yours and kiss them too, before deciding to hook your arms around his neck while he comfortably does the same around your waist. ‘It only hurts when I try to tell you how I feel. It’s one of the downsides of Lucifer’s blessing… I can’t say it before you do, because it quite literally hurts my pride.’, you explain, almost entertained with how ridiculous the situation seems.

‘I… I didn’t realize it caused you that much pain. I thought it felt similar to what I feel when I want to sleep with someone but don’t… Like, it’s uncomfortable, it’s kind of this stingy feeling, but it’s nothing like what you seemed to experience. I mean, I know other demons who have been blessed by Lucifer, and they’ve also said that they feel some kind of discomfort, or even some pain when they’re ashamed or something like that… But I’ve never seen them hurting as much as you just did. I… I had no idea, I’m so sorry.’, he lets out, terrified by the idea that he’s the one that caused your suffering with his persistence.

‘Don’t be, it’s not your fault.’, you assure him, as if you can read his mind. ‘You couldn’t possibly know, I mean, even I didn’t know… I’d never experienced that before.’, you say, trying to make him feel better. It seems to work, as you can feel his muscles relaxing up a bit. ‘But yeah, I suppose it’s a bit worse for me because I’m not a demon. I’m human, and my soul is obviously more sensitive to the strain of the demonic burden than your auras are. But I’ve gotten used to it, I can handle it pretty well. And it’s not usually like this… It’s like you’re saying, the ache is usually more of an annoyance than an actual problem.’, you take a small pause to let him take in the information before proceeding.

‘But I guess the pain is proportional to how vulnerable my pride is in the situation. And… You know… I don’t think I’ve ever been in a position where the risk is quite so high. It’s just… It’s too important, it means too much. If I said it and you didn’t said it back, it would destroy my pride completely. It just comes down to that, I guess.’, you shrug your shoulders slightly, trying to look unbothered.

‘I… I never thought about that.’, he lets out, looking up as if he’s lost in his own thoughts. ‘But now that you’re saying it, I’ve never felt quite as terrible as I did the days after I first met you… Before that night when you came to my room… I felt like I was sick.’, he describes, referring to your first sexual encounter. ‘But now it makes sense… It’s because I wanted you, I wanted to take you right then and there, but couldn’t.’, he takes a small pause before looking down and gracing you with a lighthearted smile. ‘You’re crazy though.’, he adds.

‘Arguably true. I mean, at least partially.’, you joke, smiling back. ‘But why do you say that exactly?’

‘How could you ever think I would not say it back?’, he questions, planting a kiss on your lips, then your cheek and finally, your neck. ‘I told you, I can’t get enough of you, princess … I want you all the time, I hate to be away from you… When you leave to go somewhere, I count the hours until I can see you again, touch you again. You’re the first thing I think about when I wake up and I feel like a silly, weak, little teenage human girl when I’m around you, it’s embarrassing!’, he lets out happily, as if he’s mocking himself.

‘Oh, shut up.’, you tell him with a dry chuckle, amused, taking it as a joke.

‘I’m serious!’, he protests.

‘Sure, you are.’

‘Y/N, I mean it. I mean every word.’, he tells you, suddenly very serious.

‘You… Hmm, you’re actually serious right now?’, you wonder.

‘I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life. And I’ve never been more sure about anyone before.’

‘Chan, stop… You don’t have to say this just because…’, you start, but he cuts you off.

‘No, I want to say it. I’ve had a lot of lovers over the years, but I’ve never been in love, Y/N. I always thought love was just an excuse humans invented to make themselves feel better over the guilt they have about their carnal sins. Hell, I was sure that shit was a myth…’, he takes a small pause as he rests his head against yours once more and closes his eyes, breathing in your scent. He keeps talking with his eyes still shut.

‘But then you came into my life and made me question everything I thought I knew. You made me believe in the myth. You made me feel… new, and excited, and just… happy. Happy like I’ve never felt before.’, he says, rolling his head a little before opening his eyes to look straight into yours, forehead still glued together. The knot in your stomach clenches more and more at every word coming out of his mouth. You just want to tell him he made you believe in love too. He’s the one still speaking though. ‘You’re my drug, and I can never stay away. Nor do I want to.’, he says.

‘Then don't…’, you let out in a whisper without even realizing you just spoke aloud. He moves his head back to take you all in and gives you the biggest, brightest smile you have ever seen on him, looking so warm, so beautiful, so… perfect.

‘I can’t believe I’m saying this, but… Y/N Y/M/N Y/L/N…’, you start laughing at the use of all the names, but deep down it’s just a nervous laugh.

‘Oh no, please don’t call me that ever again.’, you joke, trying to hide your excitement. He moves one hand from your hip to cup your face and rub your cheek before continuing. Your heart beats so fast that it feels like it’s about to burst out of your chest.

‘Y/N… I love you. I am desperately in love with you.’, he lets out just before pressing his soft, plump lips against yours. You kiss him back as if your life depended on it, your pain finally almost completely gone as a wave of relief crashes down on your whole being. ‘And I’m not even ashamed to shout it out from the rooftops for everyone to hear!’, he teases as your mouths break away, the happiest silly smile plastered on his face. You let out a snorted chuckle at the comment before holding him closer, until your noses are touching. You look up at him fervently.

‘Well, if I’m your drug, then you’re my medicine. I feel like I’m constantly burning from the inside and the only thing that stops the flames from taking over is… well, you. I only feel whole when I’m with you. You, Chan, as much as it hurts my pride to say it…’

‘Oh no, stop. Are you okay?’, he cuts you off, clearly worried that you might be in pain again, despite you showing no signs of it. You laugh fondly at his reaction as you cups his cheek.

‘I’m okay, don’t worry. You already said it, so it’s fine. It’s just a tiny little sting now, it doesn’t hurt, I promise… Because I know how you feel now.’, you explain.

‘Are you sure?’, he insists.

‘I’m sure!’, you reassure him. ‘You wanted to hear it so badly before and now you won’t let me say it?’, you tease him.

‘I’m sorry, I was just worried about you.’, he confesses, planting a quick kiss on your neck, just over one of the marks you gave yourself earlier.

‘Okay, now that you know I’m fine, will you just shut up and let me speak?’, you ask, poking fun at him. He nods eagerly with a shy smile. ‘Thank you. As I was saying, before you so rudely interrupted me… You, Chan, are the cure to my affliction. And I never thought I’d say this, but… I love you too.’, you finally admit with a warm smile.

It feels like a terrible weight that was crushing you down has lifted from your chest. You love him, and you can finally say it. And he loves you. Nothing has ever felt quite so in place. And now it’s his turn to kiss you passionately and ardently and yet, still tenderly. He’s the happiest he’s ever been hearing the words coming out of your mouth.

‘I’m pretty sure a part of me has always loved you, ever since we first met… I just couldn’t stop thinking about you.’, you say when the instant passes. ‘At first, I thought it was just sexual attraction, you know? But the more I was with you, the more I realized it was more than that.’, you tell him. A moan of pure bliss escapes him as he closes his eyes, enjoying the moment.

‘Hmm, say it again…’, he shamelessly begs. ‘I want to remember the way the words sound in your voice, it feels like music, it’s so beautiful.’, he adds without ever opening his eyes. You smile at the sight.

‘I really do.’, you say, rubbing your nose on his to make him open his eyes and look at you. ‘I love you, Chan.’, you let out on more time and he drinks it in.

‘I…’, you kiss his left cheek.

‘Love…’, you kiss his right cheek.

‘You…’, you softly kiss his lips. He’s still in his own world, taking in every small detail of what you’re saying.

‘I love you so much, baby.’, he lets out and kisses your neck, just where he knows you like it. ‘You’re never getting rid of me now, and I’m not even sorry.’, he teases as he comes back.

‘You won’t hear me complaining about that.’, you smirk, taking his hand and leading him to switch places with you before making him sit down on the bed with you standing between his legs. You take off your top, revealing the bra underneath and he kisses the skin between your breasts, and then your stomach. But then a stray thought pops up on his mind and he suddenly feels the urge to ask something.

‘Wait… so, are you like… my girlfriend, now?’, he lets out with an excited smile. You can’t help but laugh at his expression, thinking he looks like a kid waiting to receive a present on Christmas. ‘Are you?’, he repeats, sounding a little too eager.

‘No.’, with just one word, his smile quickly turns into a pout. It’s like taking candy from a baby.

‘Why not?’

‘Because I hate that word.’, you simply state, moving your legs around to sit on his lap, facing him while resting your own knees on the mattress with your feet under your thighs.

‘I don’t.’, he says with a playful smirk. ‘I never had a girlfriend, I’d like to see what all the fuss is about.’, he adds before licking the skin from your collarbone up to your ear. You close your eyes, enjoying the feeling of his tongue on your body. ‘See? You like me way too much not to be my girlfriend. Come on, just say “yes”…’, he whispers before naughtily biting your ear, teasing you.

‘Do you really care about that?’, you ask genuinely, making him look up at you. He shrugs his shoulders slightly, trying to look not too concerned.

‘I mean, I didn’t think I would, but now that you said “no”, I have to admit, it kind of sucks. I don’t know, it’s not like I’m expecting us to just magically stop fucking other people, I’m just saying… It’d be nice to let them know that, even if they are fucking you, at the end it doesn’t matter, because you’re still mine, and only mine.’, he confesses, his possessiveness coming through in his words. A satisfied smirk comes up to your face as you can tell by his speech and general demeanor that he’s becoming more sexually charged. You take the opportunity to taunt him.

‘So, you just want to claim me… Is that it? Because you don’t need to call me your “girlfriend” to do that, you know? Your dick has done that for you a long time ago, with a little help from your lips, and tongue, and hands too.’, you tease. He seems to not find it too funny though, so you try to be sweeter with your next words. You move a bit, grinding against his evident bulge, and getting closer to him to whisper to his ear. ‘Don’t you see? No matter who I fuck, I always end up coming back to you.’, you say before kissing his cheek softly. ‘You’ve already marked me, already claimed me.’, you add, now kissing his lips with a bit more passion and urgency. You, too, are getting excited.

‘Okay, that’s good and all, but…’, he starts before taking a long pause.

‘But what?’

‘Well, I want to claim your… urgh, I can’t believe I’m saying this, and I will deny it if you ever tell anyone! But… Oh, I hate myself… I want to claim your heart, not just your pussy.’, he lets out shyly. You can’t help yourself and you start laughing vigorously at his comment, so much so that you drop to the side, laying on the bed next to him, clutching your stomach. He turns to you, pouting.

‘Hey! Stop mocking me!’, he demands dramatically as he starts tickling you as revenge. You can barely breathe over his vicious attack.

‘Okay! Okay! I’m sorry! Stop! Please, stop!’, you let out between laughs, finally giving in.

‘Yeah, that’s what I thought, princess.’, he says, smugly, as you both sit back up on the bed.

‘Alright, so how about this: instead of “girlfriend”, you could just call me “your girl”…? What do you think?’

‘Oh, please!... Look at your face, you love it!’, you mock him, amused.

‘Wow, I really love my girl.’, he tries it out with a big smile.

‘Yeah, I guess that works.’, he tries to look unbothered.

‘Fine! You can call me whatever you want, just stop being a baby about it.’, you give up.

‘I like “girlfriend” too.’, he argues.

‘Hey, you punks better watch your mouth, that’s my girlfriend you’re talking about!’, he lets out as an example. You roll your eyes at him overdramatically.

‘Oh, shut up, you love it too!’, he mocks you right back, grabbing your by the waist and bringing you close to him to kiss your neck playfully. You grab his hair, enjoying the moment. Your excitement soon becomes your main focus as you tug at it to make him look at you.

‘Okay, great. So, now that you’re done… (impersonating him) “claiming my heart”…’, you mock him, landing a slap on your butt as punishment, which you enjoy, as does he, feeling it up nicely afterwards. ‘Can we end all this emotional mush for now, and can you please come and claim my pussy?’, you tease, pulling yourself up to sit with your clothed core just over his ever-growing bulge and moving slightly to give him some satisfaction. The friction causes him to let out a moan and you take the opportunity to sensually bite his lower lip.

‘Hmm, you’re waking up the beast.’, he warns, making you smirk.

‘I’m counting on it.’, you respond, moving your hips back and forth as you pull his shirt off.

You take a second to take in the view. He’s so beautiful with his perfect body… his hands, his arms, his pecks, his abs, all his muscles tensing up with gratification as you ride him. His head tilts back as he enjoys the release your movement grants him, lewd sounds escaping him. You drink them all in as you carefully examine his stunning features, eyes closed and mouth agape with pleasure.

‘Just say it… Say it one more time.’, he lets out, finally opening his eyes to look fondly at you as you move steadily. His voice sounds low and intimidating, but you still welcome it. There is no pleading or begging in it… it’s not a request, it’s a clear and simple command.

‘Don't stop.’, he says, making you realize you had inadvertently slowed down the pace as you got lost drinking him in. ‘Just say it.’, he repeats as he takes off your bra and watches your boobs bouncing with the movement.

‘I love you, babe.’, you say in a seductive tone as you start moving faster, feeling how close he is.

‘Say my name.’, he orders before firmly planting his mouth on one of your nipples and sucking slightly, causing you to moan now.

‘Oh, Chan…’, another indecent sound comes out of your mouth as he licks your other nipple before sucking it. ‘Kiss me.’, you ask him as he pauses to take in a deep breath when you stop your hips. He obliges, giving you a wet and messy long kiss filled with desire and urgency. ‘Chan, I love you.’, you let out in almost a whisper as the two of you break apart, resting your forehead against his. ‘And I want you… I want you so badly right now, I need you inside me.’, you blatantly plead. He stares at you adoringly, as if he’s admiring a piece of fine art.

‘I love you, babygirl. And I can’t believe you’re mine. You’re so beautiful, so perfect, and you’re all mine.’, he lets out, his possessiveness coming out in his words, his tone, his demeanor. All of it just makes you more excited though, so you play into it.

‘You better believe it because I am. I’m yours, Chan, I’m all yours. You can do whatever you want with me, baby.’

‘I want to fuck you so hard you won’t be able to walk for a week, princess.’, he lets out seriously, his eyes glowing with a spark of pure lust.

‘Do it! Tie me up and fuck me like there’s no tomorrow.’, you let out a little too eagerly.

He roughly pushes you onto the bed, your back resting on the mattress as he gets on top of you, his instinct taking over, guided by the flames of desire. In a matter of seconds, he has already gotten you out of your shoes, jeans and underwear, and has stripped down himself to be completely naked. You both enjoy looking at each other for a moment before resuming the activity.

‘No one will ever touch you as delightfully as I do…’, he says as his hand trails from your thigh to your pussy, slightly rubbing over your clit before he moves on to your stomach, your breasts, chest, and finally, your neck, where he gently chokes you for a moment, sending a jolt of electricity down your body.

'No one will ever…’, he continues as he pushes his dick inside you without much care as it easily slipped in with how wet you already were. ‘…fill you up as wonderfully as I do…’, he finishes as he bottoms out with your walls clenching against his member, pressing on the large vein that runs under it, with moans coming out of both of your mouths when you’re not busy taking in each other’s lips.

‘No one… will ever… pleasure… you… as perfectly… as I do.’, he lets out between hard thrusts that make your orgasm dangerously close as he hits your g-spot just right. ‘Hmm, I’m so close, babygirl… Cum with me, cum with me.’, he half begs, half orders.

‘Oh, Chan… Chan!’, you shout, and in a matter of seconds you’re both riding your high together.

‘I’m gonna fucking ruin you for everyone else in this world.’, he says as he keeps pounding into your now oversensitive core just for some extra pleasure. You grab the back of his neck, making him look straight into your eyes. You stare at each other lovingly for a second when he stops moving before you speak, his dick still inside you.

‘You already have.’, you simply say, genuinely, before planting an adoring kiss on his already abused lips. He smiles into the kiss, feeling happy and fulfilled. ‘I always come back to you, babe. I will always come back to you… Because we belong together. No matter how many people we sleep with, it will always be the two of us in the end.’, you tell him. His eyes shine bright listening to your words. You reach down to cup his face with your hand and he kisses the palm softly. ‘Because you’re the only one who really knows me... All of me. Because you're perfect, Chan… You're perfect for me.’, you finish, leaving him feeling as if his heart is about to blow up, in the best possible way.

[thenon-fictiondays]

more opinions on DGS2 that no one asked for

ok actually there are a few things that bothered me about DGS2, the biggest thing being the inconsistencies in Kazuma's characterization. It feels wrong to me that he decided to continue being a prosecutor when his passion was always for being a defense attorney. First of all, if prosecuting van Zieks in England was always his goal, why study as a defense attorney in the first place? It's possible that that was the only way he was going to be able to study abroad...but based on the fact that he only found out about the program when he was already a student, that doesn't hold up. Besides, bringing about systemic change to allow those who are being wrongly punished by the justice system to be defended is something he's undeniably passionate about. He scorns the govt for persecuting innocent people just to further their own agenda; not only that, thanks to his best friend being falsely accused and charged (twice, if you count the DGS2 DLC), he understands better than anyone how often innocent people suffer from the corruption of the justice system and has a personal stake in wanting to reform it. I'm not gonna add examples from 1-1 bc it'd be, like, 30 screenshots and I'm assuming everyone reading this remembers that case well enough to know what I'm talking about. But even in the DLC case, they bring it up again, just to hammer the point home:

There's no way this is just a means to an end to him. And I think that last screenshot is especially important: he has nothing but disdain for prosecutors that use the law as a tool to harm others. AND YET. He STILL prosecutes Barok with the sole motivation of exacting revenge on the Reaper. He ends up doing the exact same thing he despised others for doing. And then, Ryuunosuke opens his eyes to his mistakes, how he almost condemned an innocent man due to his clouded judgement. And we're to expect that that didn't shake him enough to walk away from the Prosecutor's office for good? Yeah, I don't buy it. And of course, there's the fact that England's judicial system is every bit as corrupt as Japan's, and his own father being one of the victims of the law being used unjustly as a means to further a political agenda. He has no respect for this kind of system, so why would he want to play into it?

Second of all, his claim that he wants to "devote his life to fighting those whose demons have gotten the better of them"...it doesn't make the least bit of sense to me. I don't see that as the logical takeaway from the final case. He himself almost succumbed to his own demons, but what ultimately stopped him were his own morals and Ryuunosuke's determination to bring the truth to light. Like, again, he knows better than anyone just how important it is to stand by even those who seem to have fallen to the depths of despair, because more often than not there's more sides to the truth than what one can see from the Prosecutor's bench.

Besides, and this is I feel most important, he already knows how close he came to taking the law into his own hands, by almost murdering Gregson. He already knows how close he came to acting as the Reaper himself, cutting down someone unjustly because of his own grievances. He could very easily become corrupted by the burdens of the job the same way Klint did and end up taking matters into his own hands; in fact I'd say he's far more likely to end up that way than Barok. Seeing how this case turned out, being confronted with this possible future path, with the knowledge of how easy it is for even those with a strong moral compass and belief in the law to become corrupt...it doesn't make any sense at all that he'd deliberately choose to walk this path. It doesn't make sense for him to want to devote himself to confronting the darkness in other people instead of protecting the good. It definitely doesn't make sense to stay apart from everyone he has left that cares about him, especially from the two that already steered him off the path of corruption and back to the truth.

I get that the writers wanted him to be Ryuunosuke's foil in every way, but I honestly feel like the way his storyline wrapped up damaged his characterization. Or, if not that, that if this story were to continue, there would be a lot more struggles for Kazuma in the future :/

[digitalriyasaga]

I really love this game.

When I started, I wasn’t sure. The first few hours are rough.....Just fight after fight and they all play the same way. Nothing to show off the cooler abilities or interesting options you can get with the paradigm system. Constantly shifting from group to group as they all converge on Serah. It wasn’t very fun. I wasn’t sure about continuing, but I wanted to see what happened next, so I pushed on.

But then.....The plot really started to kick in. And it was so good. The characters in this game as so well done. I love all of them. They’re so multifaceted.

Lightning, who’s spent so long being the tough big sister she thought she had to be that she doesn’t have anything else. Wanting to push everyone away, but at the same time, unable to bring herself to let everything go. Wanting to hope, but unable. Not even able to give a false one to others; even at times a toxic influence, dragging them down dark paths. A hero losing her way.

Snow, so determined to be a hero, but grappling with the reality of what that actually means. Slapped in the face brutally by what a “hero” really is, desperate not to admit that Serah was gone, lost when he finds out what he thought he was meant to do was the complete opposite, not knowing what to do or why. And yes, as the gifs show, two of my favourite moments are Lightning decking him. He was so unsufferable at the start, but developed so well!

Fang, so strong and cool, hell bent on protecting Vanille, but harbouring a lot of bitterness and spite for Cocoon and its people, pessimistic, almost unable to really believe that there’s anything they could do but slavishly obey their Focus. How does she really feel about her amnesia?

Hope, disliking his dad, losing his mum. Viewing Light as a mentor in violence, wanting to learn from her so he can become strong enough to kill Snow, even though he knows it won’t change anything.

Sazh, a devoted father, stuck in an impossible situation. His son taken from him and, because of the Pulse fal’Cie, now his enemy, and tasked with destroying his son’s whole world, at that. His previous stress turning to desperation enough to put himself on the Purge train, then suicidal despair. Protective of kids, even when he should hate them; so much so, he can’t even bring himself to take revenge on the one responsible for Dajh’s condition.

Vanille, most of all, outwardly cheerful and energetic, but holding so, so much darkness inside. Haunted by the things she and her partner must have done during the war, and guilt at not having been the one to do the most terrible things, feeling like she just stood aside. Seeming to be carefree, but burdened by so much fear, too, to the point that she’s less afraid to die than for the truth to come out. Implictly suicidal, but....Not faking her happiness, either. Someone who can enjoy the little things while they’re there.....While expecting, and planning, not to have them for very long.

All of these characters are so good! Seeing the way they were gradually built up, giving their conflict much more meaning.....I get, now, why they focused so much on those 13 days. Letting us get to spend time with the characters and slowly discover how their stories all intersected gave it so much more weight as the truth came out.

It would be so easy and cheap to just have the reveal of Vanille’s origin, or relation to Sazh’s backstory be some shock reveal that’s instantly dealt with, for example. But it didn’t. Throughout, Vanille’s melancholy narration contrasted with her cheerful attitude. Moments where her despair showed, or hints in dialogue of her origin, built it up slowly.

Meanwhile, Lightning didn’t just get turned instantly around to liking Hope. Being her and Hope, fighting together with them, gave it that feeling of taking time for them to bond, and together with the spread out, smaller cutscenes, helped it feel organic. Not some forced thing where they spend one afternoon together and suddenly they’re family.

Not to mention the way the world was built. There are a lot of details I wish were shown in the game, rather than just in the datalog. A lot of things just aren’t explained if you don’t go looking for it, and that’s a problem. But even so, Cocoon is very well developed, I think. The nature of that world, the society, the way the people are, showed themselves very well. And because of that, it absolutely sold things, like Hope’s despair at being turned into a Pulse l’Cie and thinking his life was over, or how Fang thought Cocoon had it coming. Honestly, for most of the game, I would’ve been on her side there.....I often thought that the people of Cocoon didn’t deserve their life, too. Because they were racist, xenophobic bastards. But, getting to know the characters, learning about Dajh, Serah.....I couldn’t wish for it to be destroyed when it was their home. Or when it was the place that Light, Snow, Sazh and Hope came from.

[kaiserkeller]

More information regarding Alfred Lennon

(A lot of the information I have gathered about Alf and his relationship with John when they reconnected has been taken from the wonderful johnandcynthialennon blog — so big thank you to them!)

I wanted to outline exactly why John and his father, despite reconnecting when The Beatles became successful, became estranged again, particularly after John divorced Cynthia and married Yoko.

As detailed in the quote post from Pauline Lennon Stone’s book, ‘Daddy Come Home: True Story of John Lennon and His Father’ (1990), it appears that when Alfred came back into his son’s life in 1964, John was yearning for that closeness; that real father/son bond that families are ‘supposed’ to have. Pauline states that it was relatively easy for Alfred to move into Kenwood (albeit very temporarily) because of Cynthia’s kind nature and eagerness to see if the two could salvage any sort of relationship and that John appeared hesitant yet relatively happy to have him in the house, even though his busy days and frequent lie-ins meant that the two barely saw each other. However, she writes that Alfred did not enjoy life at Kenwood as one would expect, describing him as “restless”, something which was pointed out plainly to him by Lillian Powell on a visit to the house. 

How this unfolded is interesting. Pauline states that Alfred, although apparently not happy living with his son, was uneasy about telling him he wanted to move out and find a place of his own. According to her, Alfred was very concerned about John’s feelings and especially hurting him (although this seems a stark character change from what we already know about him). However, apparently Lillian was very proactive with her idea and took it upon herself to relay the news to John of his father’s departure (again). John, not uncharacteristically, tried to present himself as uninterested by the developments and did not allow the others to see distinctly that they had hurt him:

“However, this restoration of freedom was marred by John’s disappointment at his leaving. Freddie had detected a look of dismay on his face as Cynthia informed him of the arrangements that had been made. But it was clear from his withdrawn attitude that he had not expected this turn of events. And Freddie learned later from John Francis, the part-time chauffeur, that John had been ‘very upset indeed’ about his father’s departure. Nevertheless he gave orders to Dot to ensure that Freddie was given a couple weeks’ supply of food, and Cynthia went to great trouble to provide him with a carpet, a TV and some bedding for the new flat.”

Freddie moved out, and the only meeting of note next was the following year, when he came to introduce Pauline (or Polly, as he called her) to John and Cynthia. I’ve already mentioned in a previous post that the motive behind the meeting was really to ask the couple to give Pauline a job, as she was no longer studying at University. Pauline was hired at Kenwood for a short while as secretary and occasional nanny, but Cynthia would later recall that it was a “nightmare. She was constantly in tears and arguing with her mother over Alf. She slept in the attic and we’d hear her screaming down the phone and sobbing up there.” The couple eventually moved to Brighton together after marrying in Gretna Green.

Here’s where things between John and Alfred get more complicated, though. I have no reason to believe that Pauline has a particular motive with her story telling, and she appears to be relatively honest about Alfred and the way he acted, even if it puts him in a bad light. However, he was her husband, and considering he didn’t gain anything at all really from being John’s father, I believe she genuinely loved him. Therefore, there are elements of her recollection that I have to take with a pinch of salt, for example: her complete brushing off of the possibility that Alfred tried to seduce Cynthia.

“However, it was the question Cynthia's evenings out with the girls which brought about a rift between John and Freddie and led John blowing his top with his father for the first but not the last time. During one of my weekend visits to Freddie in Kew we bumped into Cynthia in a nightclub one Saturday evening. Whether it was due to an excess of alcohol or simply the prompting of old-fashioned values I'm not sure, but Freddie was deeply shocked to find John's wife clubbing without a suitable escort and he treated her to a lecture on the subject of wifely duties. It was one of the few occasions when I was really mad with Freddie. I knew he had a terrible habit of saying the most outrageous things under the influence of whisky, but I was furious with him for offending Cynthia. I realized with despair that he had gone much too far, but what I did not realize was that certain members of John's entourage who were also present in the club would report his words to John in a totally contorted form. In fact several different versions of the truth reached John's ears - the most ridiculous of which being that Freddie had attempted to seduce his daughter-in-law! The accusations were nevertheless sufficient to enrage John, and without waiting to verify their validity he paid an impromptu visit to Kew the next morning, en route for London in his Rolls.”

Pauline’s account is plausible and does make sense, however the owner of johnandcynthialennon.blogspot.com makes a good point in commenting that it presents an angle on Cynthia that we’re not too familiar with. Her account of seeing Cynthia at a nightclub without John is not the ‘mumsy’ homebody we’re usually presented with, giving the impression that perhaps Cynthia had much more of a social life than she typically let on? Or maybe a story made up by Pauline to avoid making her relationship with the man already widely viewed by many as untrustworthy seem weak?

It’s possible that the story, like a game of Chinese Whispers, was highly exaggerated by John’s close circle to give him a sound reason to cut off the man they assumed to be gold-digging off his now-rich-and-famous son. But I would just like to point out that this particular story of attempted seduction was supported by John’s close friend from childhood, Pete Shotton, in his book ‘John Lennon in My Life’ (1983):

“Eventually, however, Freddie exhausted the limits of even John's tolerance when he attempted to seduce his daughter-in-law. Cyn was so distraught that John threw his father out of the house, and refused ever to see him again.”

This makes a lot more sense knowing that this really was the end of their relationship, as when Alfred took his baby son David to see his half-brother and his new wife Yoko in 1969, John explicitly let him know that he couldn’t care less. I doubt that he would have been so angry with his father if Cynthia had outlined that the worst he did was a meaningless misogynistic lecture on female roles. John did very briefly reconnect with his father in 1976 when Alfred was ill with cancer, and later offered to pay for the funeral, but Pauline refused. Despite everything, at the end John still cared about his father, but the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, though poison it may be.

[oswinsdolma]

Yes, it's nearly 2.00am (because that's apparently the only time I have inspiration to write essays) but I've been thinking a lot about this lately and wanted to get it off my chest, so here you go:

The main goal of Merlin becomes disturbingly fractured along the way, which opens up the gaps for the prophecy to seep through instead of following the expected channels, but it can essentially be boiled down to three key elements 1) build albion; 2) decriminalise magic and 3) save Arthur, but when all is said and done, we never really see any of those objectives achieved.

Now, there are a few reasons for this, both from a writing perspective and a plot perspective. The first, and one of the most obvious, is that this show loves irony. I won't go into a lot of detail here because I've already written a whole ass essay in this very subject, but in a nutshell, you can look at this from two perspectives: firstly, it's important to establish that this technique is purely about the angst: it's the writers' way of provoking a reaction from an anguished audience, but it's foreshadowed just enough to make it more painful than it is shocking. Alternatively, there is the more plot motivated irony in that it genuinely makes a good story. Irony is a technique that has been used for thousands of years, not just because it provokes a reaction from the audience, but because it allows you to explore your characters in greater detail than before, riddling them with hidden juxtapositions and internal conflicts that are never resolved quite in the way you expect. The irony in Merlin is the epitome of this, with the whole motif of Arthur needing to die for his reign to begin. It is a classic example of the simultaneous despair and hope that mocks you from the shadows.

Following this, there is another force at play that deals with half truths and seemingly imperfect contradictions, and that's prophecy. It's not really a secret that I have very strong feelings about prophecy and its effects on all the characters, Merlin in particular, and the fact that fate and destiny are such key themes in Merlin both makes perfect sense and wants me to smash my head into a brick wall. Prophecies are another common trope that often go hand in hand with irony (think Oedipus Rex, Macbeth, The Iliad, all that doomed hero shit that I inexplicably adore), the key to their influence over the plot often lying in how they usually come true in the most unexpected of ways. This links back to that initial theme of irony, but this isn't what makes me angry: what is infuriating is that prophecies tend to come true, no matter what, and most of the characters seem not only to know this, but to let it take their autonomy over their respective fates, driving them to disaster.

Let me elaborate: especially in season five (I'm assuming just for the added fall at the end), Merlin talks a lot about how "one day, things will be different". He tells sorcerers that one day they won't have to hide. That one day, they won't have to live in fear of who they are and what others think of them. And Merlin is right: while it is not explicitly stated, it's generally established that this is one of the things Merlin should actively be working towards. But here's the kick: except for a few specific circumstances, when has Merlin ever actively tried to change Arthur's mind about magic? Yes, he has taken a few opportunities, like with Dragoon saving Uther's life, or with the Dolma's final request, where he has encouraged Arthur to rethink his choices, but otherwise, his support has been lukewarm at best. Instead, his primary concern was always saving Arthur, so he can become the king the magical world hoped he'd be, but he left out a crucial part, trusting in the prophecy to fill in the gaps. He knew it would come true, but it was, almost predictably, in the one way he never dared to expect.

And in a twisted way, there's that thread of irony again: Merlin thought he was saving Arthur so he could one day become the king who would see magic as a force for good, but instead, he created someone who was merely a survivor. It was Kilgharrah who said it first, and he who would mention it last: they are two sides of the same coin. But as willing as Merlin was to give his life for Arthur, and vice versa, he was never really ready to give him his mind.

Another interesting thing to note is Merlin's fixation on the "Saving Arthur" lens of the prophecy over the "Restoring Magic" part. Now, there are a ton of ways you can look at this, depending on how far along the scale of Queer Analysis you are, so I'm going to try and address a couple. At one end of the scale, you have the fairly simple and very believable "merthur" take. This basically boils down to the fact that Merlin and Arthur may or may not be deeply in love with one another, and that drowns out any voice of reason that may unfold. This is actually fairly canon compliant, particularly looking at incidents such as the Disir, when Merlin chooses Arthur over his and his people's freedom, though that choice was clearly, in hindsight, misadvised.

At the other end of the spectrum, there is the idea that it is the work of Kilgharrah, Gaius and other responsible figures in Merlin's life when he was new to his role in destiny, who reiterated at every occasion that Arthur must be protected at all costs. This may have ingrained into Merlin's thoughts and influenced his decisions from here on out.

Between those two points, there is a grey area, and I am of the personal opinion that neither extreme entirely satisfies the situation. For me, I think the characters in question are far too complex to have such simple motivations, and that the true reason lies somewhere between the two: Merlin undoubtedly cares for Arthur, and while at the start, his actions in protacting Arthur may have been driven by other (largely superficial) motives, over time, their mutual affection blossomed to the point where certainly the more personal quests were motivated not by need, but by love. However, there is a divide here, and while the line in the sand smudges from time to time, it never really disappears: a lot of instances in which Merlin is trying to help Arthur are entirely overshadowed by destiny, and in time, Merlin comes to accept that Arthur and Destiny are, in fact, one and the same, and this is where that ever-present tragedy lies. For all he truth in here, Merlin doesn't get everything quite right: he sees Arthur as a balance that needs to be protected, without fully realising that he doesn't just have to keep the sides of his equation in equilibrium, but he actually has to start solving them if he wants them to endure.

Having just said all that, sometimes I decide to fuck over complexity for a few hours purely because I am a shameless merthur hoe.

Also, can you take a moment to please note that this last section is highly subjective and it is completely up to you as to what you decide!! This is just my opinion and you're welcome to agree or disagree at any point.

So, aside from the Angst Factor™ and twisted character development, why was the main goal never fulfilled? Unfortunately, that is a question far cleverer people than me can only speculate, as the writers alone know the answers, but I'm going to give my opinion a shot. Honestly, there is something beautifullly poetic about something that never ends, or ends when there could be something more. Humanity has struggled with endings-and beginnings- since it learned truly how to think, because that kind of finality, that inkling that there might have been nothing before and after something else is incomprehensible. In leaving Merlin in a place where the next point was uncertain, the writers left the story open for us. In depriving us of that catharsis, they effectively made sure that the story would never be over, not until we want it to be. And yes, it was painful. I can't think of an ending that was more heartbreaking than that curious mixture of closures and openings all at the same time (hell, I could write a whole essay based on this concept alone!), but it was also a gift, ironically like that of the prophecy itself in that we can choose what we want to do with it, safe in the knowledge that there will be a happy ending again, one day.

In summary, we might not be left with catharsis in the way we wanted. We might not have got the happy ending that could also have stretched on and on indefinitely. But we were left with something else, something equally beautiful as closure, but in the complete opposite way. Amongst the remains of allwe had hoped to build, Merlin left us hope.

[luxshine]

Y yo a ti, Cas -segunda parte. Because of course Mexican Cas pulled us out of despair and can throw us back in.

Ok, so the last 24 hours have been a bit of a rollercoaster and now I have another post to write about how dubbing is made. Because I love Misha a lot, and I respect him but… the whole rouge translator thing just doesn’t jive with reality.

Now, first of all I want to make a disclaimer: I do not believe that there’s a conspiracy to keep Dean closeted and away from Castiel. That makes absolutely no sense, no matter how you slice it. Among other things, conspiracy implies intent, and I really doubt the CW, Warner Bros and everyone involved in the marketing choices cares that much. At most, I think that there was a misunderstanding of marketing/PR and now people are doubling down on trying to pretend it didn’t happen. But a conspiracy? Nope. This isn’t THAT important, and it would require a LOT of people involved to make things work.

Which is precisely why the rouge translator thing doesn’t work. Because you would need a conspiracy to MAKE Destiel canon in order for it to be real.

Second: As I write this, I still don’t have an answer from the voice actors. But rest assured, WHEN they reply (or we can organize a panel so YOU guys can ask directly), I will tell you the absolute truth. If I am wrong with my assumptions, and it WAS a rouge translator, I will let you know, and I will admit I was wrong. And if it was from the audio (say, a Jensen adlib) or the actual script? I will also let you know.

Third: I don’t doubt that Misha REALLY believes the rogue translator thing, if it was told to him by TPTB. There’s no reason to believe he knows how dubbing works in Mexico, nor how many people check the final product. Or that he even watched the episode, instead of believing it was a fan clip. Also, I respect him immensely and I don’t want any hate send his way.

That said, let’s go into how dubbing works, again.

For the sake of argument, I will start with the idea that yes, there was a “Rogue translator” who decided that THIS was the perfect moment to make Destiel canon. Not, say, Season 8 when he could have translated an “I need you” from Dean into an “I love you” when the god tablet thing happened, not in season 12, or during the purgatory prayers. No, the best moment was two episodes before the finale, when he had to know that Cas was not coming back. 

And yes, the translator knew Cas was not coming back because when we translate series, we get them in packages of 5 episodes or more at the time. So they must have had 15x16 to 15x21 (The interview special) all together. So they knew that this was Cas’s exit from the series.

Now, in my previous post I said how in the old times, we used vhs tapes and paper copies of the shooting scripts (when they were available that was not always). Now a days, we get the video file and a word document (if we’re lucky. If not, we make the word file). Translate everything. Go through it AGAIN to make sure the lip sync matches and that we don’t have huge speeches when there’s a small window of time to say the speech because of the language differences. Check that we didn’t accidentally used a slang word that only Mexico would understand. If the show is not PG-13, make sure our swearwords are not too bad or too localized. THEN we send it to the studio, which prints about four copies of the script and hands it,and the video, to the Dub director.

The dub director then goes and re-watches every episode, while checking the script. Some directors don’t speak the language, so they’re just checking cadence, time, and the damned lip sync. (And if you, as a translator, don’t match the lip sync? You are either back to training or out of a word if you get too many strikes). So sure, you could slip a change of line there, IF the director doesn’t speak German, or Japanese, or Hindi.

But almost every single dub director speaks English. So a change from “Don’t do this, Cas” to “And I, you, Cas” would be noticed then and there, and changed to the right line. Which means that, for the rogue translator thing to work, we’d have to add also a rogue dub director.

And honestly, do you see a professional dub director with more than 15 years of experience (because you don’t give a series to a newbie, and Supernatural had the same dub director for all it’s run) risking his job for ONE line?

Anyway, in the times before the plague dub actors were called in groups to the study to record, in order to save audio tracks. So, for example, all the Inner Senshi would record together when doing Sailor Moon, and I assume in Supernatural, Sam and Dean’s lines would also be recorded together, while Dean and Cas might have been or not. Depending on times and so on. So you’d had at least 3 people in the studio: Dean’s VA, the dub director and the sound technician. ALL of them checking what was being said, what was in the script, and listening to the original audio.

Some actors would also make corrections to the script there, making some lines easier to read, and, again, checking those damn lip letters (Can you tell I HATE the lip letter thing?) . I remember fondly the VA for Sailor Jupiter, Araceli de Leon (RIP), who was known as “The Corrector”, since she would go through ALL the scripts for everyone with a red pen. The day I handed a script she didn’t find any corrections, I was jumping out of joy. So if 15x18 was recorded AT the dubbing studio? Someone who knew English could’ve caught the difference between the “Don’t do this” and the “And I you”, making it harder for our rogue translator to go unnoticed.

But let’s say it was recorded post-quarantine, when voice actors work alone at home, in their own private sound studios. I have no idea if they would have the director at hand through zoom, but I assume so. In any case, the VA would STILL have the original audio to know how the lines were said, and after 4 years of dubbing Dean Winchester, I will assume that the VA knows at the very least a little bit of English so if his script said “And I, you Cas” but he heard Jensen say “Don’t do it, Cas”, he would’ve made a correction there.

That’s now two people who would have to ignore the rouge translator’s actions, and even help them, in order for this theory to work.

And then the audio goes back to the director, who checks it again, makes sure it is lip synced and well acted, and sent to the audio technician who mixes it all, and now we have a THIRD person who could’ve said “Hey… uhm… this line? Is not what it says in the original” and by this time, we’d have to have a conspiracy to keep that “And I, you, Cas” in the final product.

Which brings me to person number four: Once the dubbing is done? It’s reviewed by the client (In this case, WB Latam), who gives the final say and CAN ask for redubs if necessary.

Story time. When I was doing this for a living, I got a series that had the WEIRDEST line ever. A line that made me triple check I was hearing things right (because it was a damn adlib that I couldn’t check with the script)

It was: “I’ve been listening to jazz even since I was a sperm swimming in my father’s testicles”.

So yeah.

I was a pro, so I didn’t censor it or change it and send it as it was to the director. Who OF COURSE called me and asked “Are you 100% sure that’s the line?” (This was in Japanese, and he didn’t speak Japanese. He trusted me). And I said “yeah, but if you need to change it, we can find another way to say “I’ve been a Jazz fan since before I was born”. “ He, Jack bless him, said “Nah. If that’s the original, let’s keep the original”.

The client was NOT amused and we had to change it in the final product.

Now, this was a throw away line by a secondary character that never appeared again in the series, in a small scene that probably only I remember. And the client still said “Nope, change that”. I’d like to believe that a line that changes the relationship between two main characters would have the same, if not more, scrutiny from TPTB.

Which makes now four people who would have had to either ignore the actions of the rogue translator, or actively participate in a conspiracy to make Destiel Latam canon.

Which, I dunno about you, sounds like way too much effort for something that was going to last for exactly one second before Cas got sucked into the Empty.

Someone made a mistake? Probably. But I am more willing to bet it was whoever sent the master video file to the studio than the dub studio, if that line wasn’t supposed to be there.